Firestarter with Mike Finoia

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly Episode: Firestarter with Mike Finoia
Release Date: July 9, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of The Bonfire, hosted by veteran stand-up comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly on SiriusXM’s Faction Talk channel, the duo welcomes guest Mike Finoia. Known for their unfiltered humor and candid discussions, Jay and Bobby delve into a variety of topics ranging from personal anecdotes to controversial humor, all delivered with their signature blunt style.

Main Discussion Topics

Adoption and Cultural Stereotypes

One of the central themes of the episode revolves around the idea of adopting children from different cultural backgrounds. The conversation takes a controversial turn as Robert Kelly introduces the topic by expressing a preference for adopting Asian children, specifically Asian girls.

• Robert Kelly (03:00): "Do you want a girl younger than you? Yeah. What if she's confused and frightened in the house..."
• Jacob (02:50): "I want to make sure I can be healthy if it comes."

The discussion touches on racial stereotypes and the complexities of cross-cultural adoption, though it primarily remains within the realm of humor rather than a serious exploration of the subject.

Humor and Offensive Jokes

Throughout the episode, Jay and Bobby, along with their guest Mike, engage in humor that some listeners may find offensive. Topics include exaggerated and stereotypical references to Asian culture and anatomy, which are used in a comedic context.

• Robert Kelly (04:50): "Can you just talk respond to that in Japanese?"
• Jacob (24:07): "That's racist. You guys immediately go to AI."

The comedians navigate these sensitive topics with their trademark irreverence, prompting a mix of laughter and discomfort among the participants.

Imaginary Fire Scenario

A significant portion of the episode features an improvised scenario where the hosts and guest imagine their broadcasting studio catching fire. This segment showcases their quick wit and ability to maintain humor even in the face of crisis.

• Robert Kelly (11:00): "I'll risk the elevator."
• Christine (11:18): "This might be it, guys. Do you guys want to all have sex?"

This playful dramatization serves as a backdrop for the hosts to explore their dynamic and comedic timing.

Personal Anecdotes and Childhood Stories

The conversation shifts towards personal stories, where Jacob shares difficult experiences from his childhood, including issues with his father and struggles with substance abuse.

• Jacob (38:26): "My stepfather used to beat me up. The whole thing's five years."
• Robert Kelly (39:12): "If you freak him out, though, but if you call him on it..."

These moments add depth to the otherwise humor-heavy episode, offering listeners a glimpse into the vulnerabilities of the hosts.

Conclusion

The episode concludes with Jay and Bobby promoting their upcoming shows and encouraging listeners to check out their guests' performances. Despite the tumultuous and often controversial topics discussed, the hosts maintain their engaging and lively rapport throughout the episode.

• Robert Kelly (43:09): "Check out his podcast are we all wherever you get pods and follow at Mike Finoya F I N O I A on all socials."

Notable Quotes

• Big Jay (00:00): "If you could hear love, what would it sound like?"
• Robert Kelly (16:32): "You suck it to me, Okerson."

Final Thoughts

The Bonfire episode featuring Mike Finoia exemplifies the show's commitment to bold and unfiltered conversations. While the humor may push boundaries and tread into sensitive areas, it reflects the hosts' intent to entertain and provoke thought among their audience. Listeners seeking a raw and candid comedic experience will find this episode aligned with the show's established tone.

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Disclaimer: This summary aims to provide an overview of the episode's content while adhering to respectful and non-offensive language. Some topics discussed in the episode involve sensitive and potentially offensive material presented in a comedic context.

Transcript

[Big J]

If you could hear love, what would it sound like?

[Robert Kelly]

Son, can we talk about your drinking? Yeah, Dad, I think we should.

[Big J]

Helping those closest to you think about their excessive drinking.

[Jacob]

Maybe that's what love sounds like.

[Robert Kelly]

[e-mail] An OHA initiative.

[Big J]

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[Christine]

And now the bonfire with Big J.

[Robert Kelly]

Okerson and Robert kelly. Straight like 9, 15, you know? I mean, I love ghetto black chick. I'm a stay that.

[Jacob]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm a stay that. And I like Asian girls who dress like thuggy black chicks from the 90s.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Now, huh?

[Jacob]

Now.

[Robert Kelly]

Sure. I'll take it away. Any generation. I'm just saying. A wigger. A wigger Asian girl is great. Always looks pretty good. Pretty hot. Look. Can't go wrong with that.

[Mike]

I know soy sauce.

[Robert Kelly]

I know you do, Jacob. It doesn't make you Japanese.

[Mike]

I'm Japanese.

[Jacob]

You like a bento box, don't you?

[Mike]

I do.

[Jacob]

Imagine that with dessert.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob is. Now can I tell you why Jacob. Jacob can't be a late Saturday like that, friend? Because Jacob, he. He won't mean to. He won't mean to, but he will. Only what's going to hurt you most. It's not that he's not going to attack that box at all. He's going to allow himself like a piece of pineapple and a strawberry.

[Jacob]

And that's no dip.

[Robert Kelly]

No dip.

[Jacob]

You wouldn't do a dip.

[Robert Kelly]

Not a chance of dip.

[Mike]

Probably not.

[Christine]

Would you want your. Wait. Because you want your own.

[Robert Kelly]

I know this guy.

[Jacob]

Can I ask a question?

[Mike]

When I go to Jay's, like, he'll have the. The board out, and I usually. I'll eat all the celery sticks and carrots.

[Jacob]

Can I ask you a question?

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

What do you.

[Robert Kelly]

Is your dad a rabbit?

[Jacob]

What do you. That's a good question. Not my question, but that's a good question I want to ask you. What are you waiting for?

[Mike]

What do you mean?

[Jacob]

Like, what are you waiting for? Are you. Wait. Is there a moment where You.

[Mike]

There's a reason for all of this.

[Jacob]

You have diabetes.

[Mike]

No.

[Jacob]

What? You got raped by a chocolate maker.

[Mike]

I'm very late starting a family that I want it and I feel like I have to be healthy if it comes.

[Jacob]

So you're waiting. So you are. You are. You're waiting.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

You want to keep as tip top.

[Mike]

Very bad. I didn't do that. So now I'm trying. I'm trying to. To. I don't want to be an. You can be an old dad. You can't be an old sick dad.

[Christine]

And then when you have that kid, you're going to start shotgunning yoos.

[Jacob]

No, that's what I did.

[Robert Kelly]

You're going to have to. You're going have to come inside of a woman.

[Jacob]

We need to.

[Mike]

I want.

[Jacob]

We need to. We need to adopt a kid for him.

[Don]

Just anyone.

[Robert Kelly]

Can you gift. Can you gift. Can you gift a child to somebody?

[Jacob]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Christine]

I think you'd be a great dad. Here's a kid.

[Jacob]

Certain minorities. Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Jacob]

You can't give to white kid. No, no, but you can. There's. There's like a Phil. I'm pretty sure you can get a Filipino kid.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob, you think you can train a future athlete? Don't put in the sports though. Nobody wants to see.

[Christine]

Wait a minute though. Is that like adopting a manatee where like you don't actually adopt it just the money goes to like adopting a highway, right? Yeah, totally.

[Jacob]

Like. No, that's. That's. I adopt. Me and Don own a star. Do we own it?

[Christine]

No, dude, I got that for.

[Robert Kelly]

If you can get to it though, you. You can go to it.

[Jacob]

I can't.

[Christine]

You should put a tiny home on this.

[Jacob]

It's called Marshmallow. We should get him a little Asian baby.

[Robert Kelly]

You want an Asian baby, Jacob? I could probably dark web that for you.

[Don]

Find a nice Japanese girl. Then you can have the Japanese children you always wanted.

[Christine]

Oh, why you want Japanese children?

[Don]

He wants to be Japanese.

[Robert Kelly]

If you have. If you get a Japanese baby, can you name it Sukiyaki Sak Saki Sue. But you just call it sue for short.

[Jacob]

Can you just. Can you talk respond to that in Japanese?

[Christine]

You don't have to.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't have to, but it'd be the world to me. Hey everyone, have you met Sukiyaki Sock Saki Sue? You sock it to me, I sock it to you. And now.

[Jacob]

What do you think? Would you like a Japanese wife or a baby? We can just get you the baby.

[Mike]

Oh, no. I want Both.

[Jacob]

You want the wife first, so you want to make.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you know that their vaginas go the wrong direction?

[Mike]

I wouldn't.

[Jacob]

That's a myth. It is? Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you sure, buddy?

[Jacob]

I swear to God.

[Robert Kelly]

Pretty sure. A lot of people told me that when I was younger.

[Jacob]

It's not Japanese.

[Christine]

I feel like you can like if you.

[Robert Kelly]

So Chinese ones are the other direction. Maybe it's.

[Jacob]

No, it's Korean.

[Christine]

North Korean.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. North Korean vaginas go side to side.

[Christine]

East to west Korean.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, now I got it.

[Christine]

You like the border?

[Jacob]

It's called the dmz. Oh, listen, Jacob. So you want to meet a Japanese.

[Robert Kelly]

Girl with a normal up and down vagina?

[Mike]

You put out Japanese. I'm. I'm open to anything but the Japanese.

[Jacob]

Here's the thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Cambodian.

[Jacob]

If we adopt a Japanese baby for you, it's full Japanese.

[Mike]

That's awesome.

[Jacob]

But if you make a Japanese baby half Jacob, it's gonna be half Jacob.

[Mike]

That's great.

[Jacob]

Yeah, I do want to make more.

[Robert Kelly]

You think a half Asian woman, half Jacob is going to be able to fight Godzilla when it inevitably shows up?

[Mike]

We're talking daughter, huh? Daughter.

[Jacob]

No, we're talking.

[Christine]

Would you want a daughter or a son?

[Mike]

Daughter.

[Jacob]

You want a daughter?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. You're going to have the Asian kid that she must be able to fuck it the do. Yeah. What if you get. What if you get tired of raising? You just want to it. You know what? I've raised you plenty. Now it's time to it. I hope they don't play this on my registry. My registration for adoption.

[Jacob]

I think you can a boy baby and get in less trouble.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe. Oh, maybe you should a hairless boy, Asian.

[Jacob]

Yeah. I think less trouble.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's do that. Let's get you a boy. You could that. See how it goes. If he responds well, get you a girl and then you can kill the boy.

[Christine]

You get the boy's sister to play with.

[Robert Kelly]

They're yours. We got them on the dark web, dude. You do whatever you want with them.

[Jacob]

Yeah, you can have it.

[Christine]

It'll be as though they never exist.

[Robert Kelly]

Like practice dummies shoot them like wooden swords.

[Jacob]

He comes in a really nice antique Japanese basket.

[Robert Kelly]

How about that?

[Mike]

I mean, Asian boy.

[Robert Kelly]

Are we talking ribblery?

[Mike]

It's not as easy as you think it is.

[Christine]

Does a stork deliver that point, baby.

[Jacob]

There you go, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Japan Cupid. We found the site. How is Jacob in Japan in the 70s?

[Jacob]

How old are you, Jacob?

[Mike]

Fuck, too old.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob, do me a favor and remember you're not a Hollywood starlet from the 50s. How old are you?

[Mike]

It's worse.

[Robert Kelly]

Just like, say, your age.

[Mike]

No, I'm saying I'm not ashamed. I'm bummed when I say it because I've aged out.

[Jacob]

What is it?

[Robert Kelly]

No, you haven't. None of these Asians. You think you aged out, but you haven't aged out.

[Jacob]

Sick, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, we'll catch you guys tomorrow in the bonfire.

[Christine]

Until then, spin doctors will be here.

[Jacob]

Hey, dude, check it out.

[Robert Kelly]

Until then, let's get the let out.

[Jacob]

Jacob, we get you a Japanese woman, right? Your age. You want your age or young?

[Robert Kelly]

You want young girl your age?

[Mike]

Unfortunately, I can't have a bead.

[Christine]

She's got to have a bead.

[Jacob]

Japanese.

[Robert Kelly]

That's true. What if she's like 3,000? Would you do that? But ageless, because she's mostly dragon.

[Mike]

Yes. I have to say.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, all right. Christine, is there anything in the settings for that? In the filter? Can you filter for part dragon, half dragon.

[Jacob]

Ageless.

[Robert Kelly]

Ageless, half dragon.

[Christine]

Your child will be the king of an empire that doesn't exist anymore.

[Jacob]

Jacob. So you. You want a girl younger than you?

[Don]

He has to.

[Christine]

Of course you do.

[Mike]

I'm not like. I'm not one of those guys that doesn't like women my age, but I. Women that can bear children. You don't want to kind of.

[Jacob]

You don't want a Japanese.

[Mike]

There's only an age range.

[Jacob]

You can go with a hip problem.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, with a big old Bobby.

[Christine]

It's like. It's like, if you're gonna go get, like, something that expires tomorrow or in a month, you're gonna grab the thing that expires in a month.

[Robert Kelly]

Right?

[Mike]

That's why.

[Jacob]

No, I would rather get. If I was. If I really love Japanese, I'd rather get an older Japanese woman my age.

[Christine]

How come?

[Jacob]

Because we can do the same things together.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll fuck any Japanese if you put teriyaki on it. And I would sell that right to my daughter. Sukiyaki sak saki su yu saki. Sock it to you, Okerson.

[Christine]

Don't bring your friends over.

[Robert Kelly]

Have you got. Oh, my God. We came over to. I can't believe we're gonna meet little sukiyakiyaki. Sock. Socky Sue. You suck it to me, I suck it to you, Okerson.

[Jacob]

What's that?

[Robert Kelly]

Sue's fine.

[Christine]

Sue's fine.

[Jacob]

Here we go. You get it, dude. You can get a baby.

[Don]

Get you an egg. We'll get you a surrogate.

[Mike]

Oh, what to do with this egg.

[Robert Kelly]

By the way, I thought instead of human centered egg, I thought they were showing a nerdy black kid and calling him an egghead. Like, hey, you want to get an egg donation?

[Christine]

Want a smart dork?

[Jacob]

We get a little. A little black dork. Dude, are they going to see the product?

[Robert Kelly]

Are they doing the thing? Is they done a thing yet where they can implant it in the man? The man can carry the child. I'd like to see if we could junior Jacob.

[Jacob]

Jacob could carry a baby.

[Robert Kelly]

That was a documentary in real time, correct?

[Jacob]

We'll stick it right next to his liver.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob's organs are strong, and I believe he could share them with a life.

[Christine]

Is 57 too old for a man to have a baby?

[Jacob]

Jesus. Sorry. Don't. Don't ask that question.

[Robert Kelly]

You think it's gonna take him that long to bed down this age?

[Don]

Grandpa, it's too old.

[Christine]

He's not 57.

[Jacob]

He's 54.

[Mike]

She just.

[Robert Kelly]

My dad wasn't 54. He's 52.

[Christine]

Do you know what's crazy?

[Mike]

Christine's treating me like that. Well, you'll find out on Thursday. Show that Asian woman that dressed down Martin cove.

[Robert Kelly]

Boy, oh, boy. My dad wasn't 54. He was 52, but very close. His girlfriend was 36 when she had a child. I wasn't on board with it at first. I was 24. It felt weird to have a baby brother at that age. He felt more like my nephew because of the age difference. I find it very hard to bond with him. So you don't have to worry about that.

[Jacob]

You know what you got to do.

[Christine]

Pick a date that you want to be a dad, and we'll work backwards from then to today, and we'll set benchmarks. This is where you have to meet.

[Mike]

Like, pick a day. I want to.

[Christine]

What day would you like to meet me?

[Robert Kelly]

If it was you, I would line it up to when the docs bring in the newest batch of human trafficking. What's wrong? Yeah, I smell smoke.

[Jacob]

Oh, that would suck if we die.

[Christine]

Christine, you smell that?

[Mike]

That's smoke.

[Jacob]

Christine, can I make sure that we're not dying? I mean, I don't want to have to burn. First of all, I'm not taking the stairs all the way down this suck.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll risk the elevator.

[Christine]

Whoa, dude, you smell that?

[Robert Kelly]

Sort of, but I smoke.

[Christine]

Smells like burning tires.

[Jacob]

Oh, Jesus.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know if you notice, but I smoke in the building now. I smoke on the show.

[Jacob]

A God. That's not good.

[Christine]

No, I know.

[Jacob]

You smell that?

[Robert Kelly]

That smells like fucking gas.

[Jacob]

Yeah, that's smoke. That's fire. That's fire.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm suing.

[Jacob]

That's a fire, guys.

[Mike]

Yeah, they said there might be a fire in the building, I guess.

[Jacob]

Why is there not an alarm?

[Christine]

Are we gonna be trapped?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that's okay.

[Mike]

I think it works like the cameras.

[Robert Kelly]

It's totally fine because we have to.

[Jacob]

Hire our own fire department.

[Robert Kelly]

DJ Lou is fire retarded.

[Jacob]

Nice.

[Christine]

Paco is also the fire department.

[Robert Kelly]

Absolutely. Yeah. That's fire for.

[Christine]

Yeah, definitely stinks. Smells like burning.

[Jacob]

Hey, maybe. Maybe we're killing it on the show so much. It's on fire.

[Mike]

That alarm over there will go off.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh.

[Christine]

Go down, hopefully together.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, this is July 1st, is what we're gonna call it, that. Where were you guys on July 1st?

[Christine]

We got 7 1.

[Robert Kelly]

Were you guys on 7 1?

[Christine]

All right, let me ask 7 ones.

[Jacob]

We're stuck. We can't get down. Are you jumping out? Are you burning up?

[Robert Kelly]

No, dude. I go up to the roof. I'm telling you. I don't know why everybody didn't do this.

[Christine]

Smoking cigarettes.

[Robert Kelly]

And I ride the rubble down. Silver Surfer style.

[Christine]

Hell, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I take it. And I ride down to the total bottom. Everyone's gonna be blown away. And then when the smoke clears, I walk out like it was nothing. And I go. You go. Another day at work, right?

[Jacob]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christine]

You're C11A on that India flight. That one dude that walked away.

[Jacob]

Did you hear about that jump out?

[Christine]

I don't know, but he walked.

[Jacob]

I think he jumped out. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Spirit of the Owl.

[Christine]

See, that's someone who, like, people should start worshiping. That's like. That's a God, you know? Like, you're the one guy that. You know what I mean? But that's the God you want. Not some guy that.

[Jacob]

He jumped out and then walked away.

[Christine]

Walked away. That's why the plane crashed. Everyone died. He walked away.

[Jacob]

Funny. If you could have. If he really does ride it down like Silver Surfer.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a big. And you see. And they'll bring in. They'll go to pictures, and they have, like. People have to digitally work. Bless you. People have to digitally work the picture, but you'll see, like, through the rubble, you'll see pictures of me, like, really taking it down and handling it good. What's wrong? You see smoke, Jacob?

[Mike]

Not yet. I mean, I'm looking at the lights to see if it gets.

[Jacob]

Yeah, they're a little smoky.

[Christine]

No, we gotta keep going.

[Robert Kelly]

Guys. You want to be part of the Law. There we go. Thank you.

[Mike]

I think Big Tim would want.

[Christine]

Doesn't help that I grew up near.

[Mike]

Camp Lejeune to tough it out.

[Christine]

This is not gonna do good for my.

[Robert Kelly]

They told me I'd be fired if I left under any circumstances.

[Christine]

I hope this doesn't activate my mesothelioma.

[Robert Kelly]

They also told me if I came out on the air as trans, that'd be fired. This company doesn't care about trans people.

[Mike]

Thinking.

[Robert Kelly]

Here.

[Jacob]

My head. My head hurts.

[Christine]

I smell it.

[Jacob]

Nasty.

[Christine]

This is giving me a headache.

[Jacob]

This is.

[Robert Kelly]

This might be it, guys. Do you guys want to all have sex?

[Jacob]

You think this is God saying Jacob can't have a baby?

[Christine]

Right when we started talking about babies.

[Robert Kelly]

And then God strikes you down with fire.

[Mike]

You're depressing me.

[Christine]

Wait, wait.

[Jacob]

Updates.

[Don]

He's going down to. To grab the fire engineer so we can see what's going on.

[Jacob]

He's going down.

[Don]

Serge from the front.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, Jesus. He's our last line of defense. How you say.

[Christine]

You want espresso?

[Robert Kelly]

You want. You say.

[Christine]

I don't care.

[Robert Kelly]

Smoke.

[Jacob]

Why you burn up. We burn up in Russia all the time.

[Christine]

Jacob, if we might be.

[Mike]

So the air conditioning. Something blew out.

[Don]

Something with.

[Mike]

It's probably a dead person.

[Robert Kelly]

Probably. No big deal.

[Christine]

Somebody probably dropped a pot.

[Robert Kelly]

37 is probably in flames. So what?

[Christine]

All right. So we make it through this catastrophe. When do you want to be a dad? Christmas time? Because if we figured years ago. Well, you can't. Unless there's a DeLorean.

[Robert Kelly]

That's spilt milk, buddy. Can't worry about that.

[Jacob]

Jacob. I don't understand why you want the girl.

[Robert Kelly]

That's who he wants to marry.

[Jacob]

Jacob. You want a baby, or you want the girl and the baby or just the girl if you had to choose.

[Mike]

I mean, ultimately I wanted both, but.

[Jacob]

But what if you have to.

[Christine]

You don't want to raise a child alone?

[Mike]

Like, then I'd be happy with somebody.

[Jacob]

Who had just a girl.

[Robert Kelly]

Would you consider being in a sexless gay marriage, raising a child together? But the guy is super into, like, that dandy you like.

[Jacob]

It's actually the guy you like, wants to just be with you.

[Robert Kelly]

Would you raise a child with a guy who. Yeah. For a guy who use. For a guy who applies his shaving cream with a brush.

[Jacob]

Yeah. And he promises that the baby will be in a bow tie.

[Christine]

The round brush.

[Jacob]

When he's born until he's at least 16.

[Christine]

I kind of think that's great.

[Mike]

But he uses a badger. Badger hair brush.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes. For sure.

[Christine]

Is a sex gay marriage a gay marriage or is it just roommates?

[Robert Kelly]

Sure.

[Jacob]

Jacob. Jacob, Can I ask you a question? You said you just want the baby if you had to choose.

[Mike]

No, I didn't.

[Jacob]

You want the girl.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not just roommates.

[Jacob]

You want the girl. If you could only choose the girl. The baby.

[Robert Kelly]

Me and your roommates were never held together. Which ones?

[Christine]

We held hands.

[Jacob]

Which one?

[Mike]

One of. Only one of them.

[Jacob]

That's it? Yes. That's the question. The boy would you rather have. Oh, the baby.

[Mike]

Baby on my own?

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Mike]

Why was it.

[Christine]

You'd have to bring him to work? He'd be sitting right there.

[Mike]

If I was a single father, it'd.

[Robert Kelly]

Have to be older sexy Asian daughter or a sexy Asian son or a sex Asian wife. But you have to tell everybody, have you met my new sexy Asian whatever When you introduce them.

[Mike]

I still think it'd be less weird than introducing my sexy Asian son.

[Robert Kelly]

No, that's less weird.

[Christine]

I think that's like you're proud of him.

[Jacob]

What's the name again?

[Robert Kelly]

Your sexy Asian daughter, Your sexy Asian son.

[Jacob]

But what's the name of the baby again? Suki Suki.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, Sukiyaki sak Saki suk it to me. I sock it to you Bat now Bat. You suck it to me I suck it to you.

[Mike]

This song grabbed me the first time I heard.

[Robert Kelly]

Me too.

[Mike]

Day one. I love this song.

[Robert Kelly]

I just. The fat Asian guy feeling it.

[Christine]

He's like a roller skating anthem.

[Don]

You need to get on the apps. You should be on like three days.

[Mike]

No, I told you. I've. I've told every story of the apps.

[Robert Kelly]

Short queens for short queen kings.

[Christine]

Can you Asian kid do my socials?

[Robert Kelly]

Sure. Thank you.

[Mike]

Once. Once they're established as a baton.

[Robert Kelly]

Is there. Listen. Because Jacob said his big thing as he walks in and people shake their head when he's short. Can you look? Is there a short people dating? There has to be.

[Christine]

If not, let's make lady campers.

[Don]

Who wants to have a baby with Jake?

[Jacob]

He's gonna wind up with a midget. You can't. There's no. You know.

[Christine]

Whoa, whoa.

[Jacob]

Little person. Sorry. Sorry. The way. Sorry.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no. This thing's going to be a. Oh, okay.

[Christine]

All right. Do they have I almost real.

[Robert Kelly]

Listen. Suki aki sock saki su yasaki Bat needs a mom.

[Jacob]

What are you going to say?

[Christine]

Are there Chinese little people?

[Jacob]

Yeah, they're called Chinese.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. No one knows for sure.

[Christine]

That's what I'm wondering.

[Robert Kelly]

Confucius.

[Jacob]

This is an ad by Better Help. Let me tell you something. Work, stress and anxiety is just killer for me. I'm a stand up comedian. I'm in show business. I do podcasts. I work with some of the funniest people in the world. You think it's all fun and games. It's not. I got to deal with egos. I got to deal with insecurities. I got to deal with all kinds of stuff. I don't want to bring that home to my family. I want to have great days. I want to enjoy what I do. BetterHelp helps me actually deal with all the stress. Workplace stress is one of the top causes of declining mental health. We can't just quit because it's stressful, but we can start with small and little. Focus of wellness Therapy is the way you do this. Therapy can help you navigate whatever challenges the workday or any day might have. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It works. It's convenient too. You can do it from anywhere. You can join a session, click a button, bang, you're in. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Our listeners get 10% off their first [e-mail] bonfire. That's B E T T E R h e l p.com Bonfire everybody.

[Robert Kelly]

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[Jacob]

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[Christine]

That's what I'm wondering.

[Jacob]

There's got to be.

[Christine]

There's like one in like the Andes.

[Jacob]

Yeah, one. But it actually works with other thieves in Vegas to rob casinos.

[Robert Kelly]

He's in the.

[Christine]

That's what Vernon.

[Robert Kelly]

In the. There you go.

[Jacob]

Oh, my God. Whoa. How can you tell?

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob. Jacob, you could have any one of these kids, buddy.

[Jacob]

Which one do you could have? That could be your kid and your wife. Look at that.

[Mike]

They're 40, dude.

[Christine]

What a fun place to visit.

[Jacob]

Hello, Jacob. Hello, daddy. Jacob.

[Christine]

Look at that. Look at what she's doing with her hand. Go up, go up. Look it.

[Jacob]

Jacob's penis.

[Mike]

She's laughing. All our friends at brunch.

[Robert Kelly]

I just got an overwhelming wave of depression when I thought about how small an Asian midget penis must be. That's. That's why you don't see a lot of them.

[Christine]

It looks like a half pipe.

[Robert Kelly]

That must be a 10 year old suicide.

[Mike]

Or are they colossal?

[Jacob]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

You think?

[Mike]

No, I heard some of the like extraordinarily big.

[Robert Kelly]

I've never heard of a huge midget dick ever.

[Jacob]

Let me ask a question.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Jacob]

Is there a sighting of a huge Asian penis? Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm sure.

[Jacob]

I've never seen one.

[Robert Kelly]

Christine, look up big, big Asian penises.

[Christine]

Whoa.

[Robert Kelly]

That's more girth.

[Christine]

Didn't expect that.

[Jacob]

That's. That's a black dude by the way. That's it.

[Robert Kelly]

That doesn't count. Yeah.

[Christine]

Weird.

[Jacob]

Even the little ones have big ones. Whoa. Oh God. Oh God. Wow.

[Don]

That's like what you're talking about.

[Robert Kelly]

She likes to party.

[Jacob]

That looks like Dante. Why does that look like Dante? Holy p. Looks like. Look like Dante. Narrow now.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that's got to be fun.

[Mike]

A leprechaun show has introduced me to so much.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Christine]

I know.

[Jacob]

Can you tell?

[Mike]

My life is the first day I've ever seen.

[Jacob]

I can't. I can't. I guess. Yeah, funny. They're so muscly. Hey, can you type in? Yeah. Asian penis. Huge. Let me see this.

[Robert Kelly]

There you go. That's a swinger.

[Jacob]

Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

That's AI.

[Christine]

That's AI.

[Robert Kelly]

That's absolutely.

[Jacob]

That's. Yeah.

[Christine]

Look at the weird like. Look at the weird like cartoon in the middle. Thumbs up.

[Jacob]

That's so racist. You guys immediately go to AI. That's AI.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me see another one. AI.

[Jacob]

AI.

[Robert Kelly]

Look how the same balls, by the way. It's the same dick. Yeah.

[Christine]

He's got 83 year old balls.

[Jacob]

I love the. Christine's like, look at the balls. That's real. No, that's real.

[Robert Kelly]

Also though, these guys are like. I'm saying these guys are like Cambodian. They're more like swampy Asians. I'm talking about Asian Asians.

[Jacob]

Swamp Asians.

[Robert Kelly]

What's wrong with you? I'm talking about your Raiden type of Asians, you know, I mean like they control the electricity.

[Christine]

Sub zero. Dude, you're talking Sub zero.

[Robert Kelly]

Talking Sub zero. I'm not talking about some big finish. Him Some Filipino.

[Jacob]

You don't talk about ones that would deal with cobras and monkeys.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Jacob]

You talking about real Chinese?

[Don]

Well, I type in Chinese now, and it's still.

[Jacob]

There's one right there. What's that one in the middle? This one? Yeah. What's that? Such a big Asian penis.

[Robert Kelly]

I hope the fire.

[Christine]

I hope the fire marshal comes in right now.

[Jacob]

I hope he's Asian.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, the guys. You smell smoke, like. Yeah, we're causing it.

[Jacob]

All right. That's okay.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a pretty big issue.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Anyways, I'm done. I'm out. I'm out.

[Robert Kelly]

Get a good Asian penis, Christine.

[Jacob]

Get it off.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a really good sized Asian piece. Okay.

[Jacob]

All right. Good.

[Robert Kelly]

No, but you guys have to admit.

[Jacob]

I know, I know. It is. It is. Get it off.

[Robert Kelly]

Just, you know, if you guys look at it for more than 10 seconds, you're gay.

[Jacob]

Can you get it all off?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

It's too much.

[Jacob]

Hey, you know what? Real quick, before we get on the. Lou had a song. He has a brand new song we were supposed to listen to a theme song, A bonfire. He has a brand new bonfire theme song. We're supposed to live to. He says, really good.

[Robert Kelly]

Somebody sent to us.

[Jacob]

Somebody sent to us.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Jacob]

And we should take a listen to it and see if it's good.

[Robert Kelly]

Always looking for a theme song for the Friday or the Lost Tapes episode. The Thursday show.

[Jacob]

Yeah. Oh, there.

[Christine]

You're gonna say for Saturday, hang Derek Sellers.

[Jacob]

And he's a real musician. I don't really know that much about him, except he's from the south. And. Let's just listen.

[Robert Kelly]

Hates blacks, all right?

[Jacob]

What? No, I don't think that's true.

[Robert Kelly]

He says he's from the South.

[Jacob]

That doesn't mean he hates blacks.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, Asians.

[Jacob]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, maybe he thinks Asians are little wieners. You should show him. But do me a favor, Lou. Can you email him unsolicited, those pictures we just sent you to prove there are big Asian penises, but don't explain anything.

[Jacob]

All right.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Just like we found your wallet.

[Jacob]

Big J and Bobby slinging comedy Jacob and Christine always laughing who can forgive.

[Christine]

To lose One's black and one's DJ.

[Robert Kelly]

Blue.

[Jacob]

Picking all the logs Screwing all your mind Stand up for the soul it's time for nightmare Gather around the wire Go ahead and light your fire.

[Christine]

Get your ass ready for the bonfire.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow.

[Jacob]

I mean, that was a ripper. Jesus, Craig, I could sing.

[Robert Kelly]

I enjoyed that.

[Jacob]

I enjoyed that a lot. That was. AI. No, that's Not Chinese penis.

[Robert Kelly]

That was like a Chinese penis. That was so good. It was a. I guess it was a Chinese penis.

[Jacob]

That was fantastic. Good job. Yeah. You think that could be the theme song for Thursday Lost Tapes?

[Robert Kelly]

We can give it a run, see what it is.

[Christine]

Congratulations. What's his name? Derek.

[Jacob]

Derek Sellers. Nice.

[Robert Kelly]

Can we ask him also when you congratulate him, can you ask him if he would mind being called Suki? Sukiyuki Sak Saki Sue. You sucked to be a soccer to you.

[Jacob]

I'm sure you wouldn't mind.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you.

[Christine]

How old if you had to adopt a child? How old is too old?

[Robert Kelly]

40.

[Christine]

The child.

[Mike]

I'm a single parent.

[Robert Kelly]

32.

[Mike]

How long. How old is too old?

[Christine]

Yeah. Like if you're gonna adopt a child, do you want like a baby? Do you want like to change diapers? I don't know.

[Mike]

Because I think that's too young.

[Jacob]

He said I don't listen to the show.

[Robert Kelly]

That's why you're saying Jacob wants to get a girl. Jacob wants to get a girl right before she starts her first period. So she's confused and frightened in the house. And Jacob could have a hard time explaining it to her because that's cuz God hates you. That's because you had the sin of being born and you have to suffer that.

[Christine]

I'm here to cleanse you.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm here to cleanse you and then just raise it like Carrie's mom. Just see if you could torture an Asian kid so they have telekinetic. Telekinetic powers and destroy a school or your way.

[Jacob]

I mean, what the.

[Christine]

We're playing B, I guess.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. Or you guys do it your way.

[Jacob]

Why do you want a girl and not a boy?

[Robert Kelly]

Come on.

[Mike]

You know I always wanted a girl. Yeah, plus I thought you talked about that.

[Jacob]

Jay, stop.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Why?

[Mike]

I was a disaster as. As growing up. I. I kept thinking. I don't know what to. I don't know what to tell avoid.

[Robert Kelly]

So you want to finally own something that you can be.

[Jacob]

This is what you tell a boy.

[Robert Kelly]

Ready?

[Jacob]

Don't other boys.

[Mike]

Well, that I. I know what not to do.

[Robert Kelly]

Listen.

[Jacob]

Unless. Unless they're hot. Yes, you can jerk them off. You just don't them.

[Christine]

Dude, you want to go to like recitals and you want to be that.

[Robert Kelly]

Cuz I love my niece.

[Mike]

I adore. I go to. I go and watch my niece ice skate.

[Jacob]

You got that?

[Christine]

You don't have to all the time.

[Mike]

I love it.

[Jacob]

Jacob, you want to take somebody fishing? You want to put this yeah, Get a boy.

[Mike]

You can take a daughter fishing.

[Jacob]

No, she's not going to want to go.

[Robert Kelly]

And she's going to be a lesbian. Then you got your whole other world problem.

[Jacob]

Yeah, now you're gonna have to deal with some angry Puerto Rican girlfriend.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Don]

Domestic violence.

[Robert Kelly]

And she's gonna cut her for sure.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Someone's outside.

[Christine]

Marshall, Fire marshal's outside.

[Jacob]

All right, go check. Christine, go check it out.

[Robert Kelly]

Buildings on fire.

[Jacob]

Are we dying? What's happening?

[Mike]

Not every.

[Jacob]

What? What?

[Mike]

No, I think I could do. I'd be a fun dad.

[Jacob]

You need to.

[Christine]

I think you'd wow the fire.

[Robert Kelly]

Why the fire marshals like a goddamn model.

[Christine]

Yeah, he. He's so hot, the fire puts itself out.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, we can't see him from over here, so. Yeah. If this guy walks around, the building just gets wet.

[Jacob]

Can we talk to him? Why?

[Don]

So they can come in and see.

[Jacob]

Let them come on in.

[Mike]

We can break.

[Jacob]

Just let them come in.

[Don]

I'm not even smelling it right now.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, so it's fine then. Never mind.

[Mike]

Fires out.

[Jacob]

I'm smelling.

[Christine]

He put the fire.

[Jacob]

Let him come in. Hi, guys.

[Christine]

What's up?

[Jacob]

How are you? We're live. We're live. You can come in. We can just talk. We'll just. How you doing? Hi, sir. How are you? Fire marshall. I like the fire marshals.

[Robert Kelly]

Sorry, guys. I take fire seriously. These guys? These clowns?

[Jacob]

Yeah, we're. What's up, buddy? How are you? Yeah, right up in here. It smelled it. Smelled it.

[Christine]

Smelled it bad.

[Jacob]

Smelled it bad. You smell it.

[Robert Kelly]

Guys? Unrelated, do you think Sukiyuki Socks suck you? Sue. You suck it to me. I suck it to you. But taught a good name for an Asian adopted child.

[Jacob]

I mean, it's up to you guys. You don't have to answer.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't have to answer. Yeah, he's like, I'm asking. I'm asking everybody.

[Jacob]

Yeah. Sir, do you have.

[Christine]

Asking for a friend?

[Jacob]

You have children? Do you have children?

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, I do.

[Jacob]

You're a child. Do you have children? No, you don't? You guys, boy or girl? If you had a choice, boy or girl, what would you pick?

[Robert Kelly]

I have two girls already.

[Jacob]

So you'd put a boy? Boy?

[Mike]

No, but he likes his girls.

[Jacob]

Of course he does. He's not gonna say that. I love that.

[Christine]

The building could be totally burning down.

[Robert Kelly]

If the handsome boy on the end doesn't. If the handsome boy on the end doesn't have any father figure, Jacob, maybe you can adopt him.

[Christine]

Do you have a dad in your life? Do you want Another one.

[Jacob]

Sorry. No, he can't be. He's taller than Jacob. That's not gonna work.

[Christine]

Do you want an older. Older brother?

[Don]

If they want a dad.

[Jacob]

All right, let us know if we need to jump out the window or there's some type of parachute system.

[Christine]

We smell like burning rubber.

[Jacob]

He's going to ride the building down from the top. If something happens, he's just going up to the top. But I'd like to parachute down or maybe I don't want to take the stairs. That's all I'm saying.

[Robert Kelly]

You give me a. You give me a parachute, I'm throwing it out the window. I'm rotting the rubble.

[Christine]

If we were going to go down, I'd immediately start smoking all your cigarettes.

[Jacob]

Oh, yeah, I'm drugs, by the way. I'm.

[Christine]

No, I wouldn't let you. You need all your guys.

[Robert Kelly]

I think you just want to smoke cigarettes and do drugs. The building's not on fire.

[Jacob]

Hey, young man, you're doing a good job, buddy. Take care. Thanks, guys, for coming in.

[Mike]

Thank you. See you.

[Jacob]

I mean, what a. What a cool fire marshall. Guys. They're here. I thought they were going to come in. Have all kinds of suit. Yeah. Axes and.

[Christine]

First of all, I don't think that those guys are fire marshals.

[Don]

Two fire engineers.

[Christine]

Two bald dudes with the Proclaimer's glasses.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

And matching khaki shirts.

[Robert Kelly]

First of all, it said fire engineers for the building. Lets me know. What does that mean? They're engineering fire. Isn't that a job in the Matrix?

[Christine]

I think that kids kidnapped.

[Jacob]

They're actually the guys who used to do the video. And then when they did the video they gave.

[Robert Kelly]

They became fire people. Hey, guys, there's fire upstairs goes. Well, I know it ain't the cameras. They're not on.

[Christine]

Last week they were interns that call her Daddy.

[Jacob]

I love that. They came in and went, yeah, we don't smell anything.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, we're good then.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

No, those guys have trained noses. We're just a bunch of idiots smelling smoke and seeing smoke.

[Christine]

That kid was giving the international distress signal with his hand. He's like, can someone help me?

[Jacob]

It's very rude to say his trained noses. They were not that big. They were nice noses.

[Robert Kelly]

No, we have trained noses.

[Christine]

Have you guys put any thought into what you're bringing me on Sunday as a house gift?

[Jacob]

None. Wow, you're doing tifa tat?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I think I was gonna give you a bag of my old porn magazines.

[Jacob]

Oh, thanks.

[Robert Kelly]

But I took out anyone that's got bad bindings or something I got rid of. Thanks. Ye. A full front to back unjizzed on magazines. Bobby? Yes. Your thoughts?

[Jacob]

Give him the. The grill daddy I gave you. You have an extra one?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm sure Mike has a grill daddy. He strikes me as a grill daddy guy.

[Jacob]

Have the grill daddy.

[Christine]

I got a Mrs. Grill Daddy.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you not have a grill daddy?

[Christine]

No. In fact, right now we're grillless because we're shopping for a grill right now.

[Don]

I got to buy you a grill.

[Christine]

Just give me back the plant I gave you.

[Jacob]

Let me ask you a question. You're going to a party without a grill on Sunday?

[Christine]

It's not a party party.

[Jacob]

What is it?

[Christine]

It's a house judging.

[Jacob]

That's what it is.

[Robert Kelly]

Mike. Mike wanted me to come to his house, and he's been completely panicked ever since I said yeah. I was like, yeah, you know what? I'm home this weekend. I'll come up. We'll come up on Sunday.

[Christine]

I've wanted you to see all my houses.

[Jacob]

Jay comes. Why?

[Christine]

If you don't want to?

[Jacob]

Jay comes with a leveler and a monocle and a. And a tape measure.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. He goes, I'm coming over. Yeah. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna see if the house has good bones.

[Christine]

It does have good bones.

[Robert Kelly]

We'll see. I'll be the judge of that. I'm going over every part of your wall with a stud finder. This thing doesn't have enough studs. This thing's gonna fall apart in the winter.

[Christine]

I'm having new mulch delivered. I got a whole bunch of shit I love.

[Robert Kelly]

I love good black mulch.

[Christine]

It's the shit, dude. When it's fluffy.

[Jacob]

Oh, man. I don't like my mulch too dark.

[Robert Kelly]

I do.

[Jacob]

But I do like a nice brown mulch.

[Christine]

A dark cedar mulch, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, the darker the mulch, the thicker the dick.

[Jacob]

Yeah. Beautiful. From Philly. You grew up with a lot of dark mulch.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of mulch in my neighborhood. I think. I think my graduating class, 70% mulch. Did you go to prom with mulch?

[Christine]

I shared a limo.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no. I went to. I turned down a Mexican girl to prom. That was so weird.

[Jacob]

Jesus.

[Robert Kelly]

Maria Guerreros. She was pretty, too.

[Jacob]

She's hot.

[Robert Kelly]

She got a bad haircut late in the game.

[Jacob]

She got bangs.

[Robert Kelly]

She did, like a. She did a weird hair. She had long, great 90s, like, curly top pony thing. Hispanic girl. So she did all the slutty gangster makeup and Shit, she looked great. Cute chick. Very nice girl, too. Didn't really have a lot of friends or anything. And certainly because I was, like, nice to her all the time. She wanted to go to prom with me, but I was already going with the Grateful Dead hippie girl who got molested by her uncle who was having sex with me.

[Christine]

Who took your virginity?

[Robert Kelly]

Took my virginity. She stole it.

[Don]

It's so funny that they allowed a 22 year old adult into high school prom.

[Christine]

Yeah, dude, that's hilarious. And a Deadhead to boot.

[Don]

That's crazy.

[Christine]

She's selling nickel bags to everybody in the parking lot.

[Don]

Like, we're all 16.

[Robert Kelly]

Look at all those teachers. I was like, she's like, I'm gonna suck this boy's dick later.

[Jacob]

My girlfriend was older. My girlfriend was, I think was 20.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Kristen, when you went to prom?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

How old were you?

[Jacob]

19, I think she was 20. Yeah, she graduated 19 two years before me.

[Robert Kelly]

I was kidding.

[Jacob]

Maybe 18, something like that. Yeah. We actually didn't rent a limo. I just, I, I, we, we rented a Mercedes to drive around like a luxury car because I didn't want to rent a limo. And we pulled up and somebody's limo was there, so I go, yo, dude, here's 20 bucks. Drive us around the block. So. Because you get pictures taken in the limo. Yeah. So he drove us around the block and we hung out the top of somebody else's limo. And when they took the pictures of us coming up and we came out and they were snapping photos of us getting defensive.

[Robert Kelly]

My Bobby. Yeah, of my Bobby right here.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

This cunt wasn't happy enough with the Mercedes you rented that she had to have a. Oh, she had nothing to do. You wanted to hang out of the sunroof.

[Jacob]

I wanted to get. You get the. We, we couldn't pull up and get our photos. We needed grift. We wanted the photo. They were doing limo pull up photos. I wanted that. I didn't have that. You couldn't pull up unless you're in a limo.

[Robert Kelly]

And you rented a Mercedes.

[Jacob]

I rented the Mercedes.

[Robert Kelly]

You actually, you weren't here the other day, Bobby. And he's having a hard time dealing with this. It got exposed. Grew up very wealthy.

[Jacob]

I did.

[Robert Kelly]

With two loving parents who took care of him very well. Never been to prison.

[Jacob]

My father was a Vietnam vet.

[Christine]

Is this how he got addicted to drugs? That he was 4.

[Jacob]

My stepfather used to beat me up. The whole thing's five years.

[Robert Kelly]

There's no drugs ever. It's a scam. There's no drugs ever. The guy's. This guy's.

[Jacob]

Mike. Mike James. Jay.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Jay.

[Jacob]

What's going on?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm just talking to Mike.

[Jacob]

Well, what?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I'm trying to fill him in on the story. You know, you told me some stories before, so I just want him to catch up to speed.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

This guy over here.

[Mike]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

So, Bobby, I'm pretty. Pretty sure had a perfect childhood, perfect life.

[Jacob]

Jay, the whole. Jay. Hey, Jay.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Jacob]

Jay.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Jacob]

What's going on? What are you talking about?

[Robert Kelly]

Talking to Mike. Just about your childhood.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, he's very difficult. Your difficult childhood.

[Jacob]

I had a difficulty. I didn't have a dad. My dad was in Vietnam. Even so my second dad was, you know, abusive, physically.

[Robert Kelly]

Died in Vietnam.

[Jacob]

No, he's alive. He came back a drug addict. I never really. I never knew him.

[Robert Kelly]

Are these not true? And these are not true stories. But don't.

[Jacob]

And then I started using drug.

[Robert Kelly]

If you freak him out, though, but if you call him on it. Yeah, it's like. Then he realizes and it. It gets weird.

[Jacob]

I started drinking. I was 10.

[Robert Kelly]

That sucks. That's crazy.

[Christine]

What? Milk.

[Jacob]

What? What did you say? What the. Did you say?

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no.

[Jacob]

What did he say?

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby? You're a bad boy. You're a bad boy.

[Jacob]

I'm not bad anymore.

[Robert Kelly]

No, not anymore. Yeah, dude, you turned. You turned the corner magically. Before we all met you, we all used to have. Could have been killers. That's the funny goes. I used to be a really bad kid. I used to rob stores and I killed a guy once, and I used to carry around a gun. He goes, when did that happen? He goes, when'd you meet me? Two years before that? 1984. Yeah, where'd you meet me? 86.

[Jacob]

Hey, how did you know I killed a guy? Huh?

[Robert Kelly]

What? How do I know you killed a guy?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you kill all of your night? Dude.

[Jacob]

Nice.

[Robert Kelly]

You perform in a kill box. You've killed many guys and some girls.

[Christine]

I heard you killed on Saturday.

[Jacob]

Saturday was good. I did not kill.

[Christine]

Did you go in the pool?

[Robert Kelly]

I do, yeah.

[Jacob]

Saturday, dude.

[Christine]

Hey, did you teach. I know. Did you teach him the pool rodeo game?

[Robert Kelly]

It was pool rodeo.

[Jacob]

Wow, dude. I mean, yeah, pool rodeo was on Saturday when it was invented.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it wasn't Saturday.

[Don]

It was invented a couple years back.

[Robert Kelly]

Or it was a few years.

[Jacob]

Why don't you mind your business?

[Don]

Christine is my business.

[Jacob]

Hey, it is.

[Christine]

She's like. She goes. Pool rodeo was invented when you were at your heaviest.

[Don]

You know what?

[Robert Kelly]

Pool rodeo is my business. And business.

[Jacob]

I didn't see you do any pool rodeo, by the way.

[Robert Kelly]

She doesn't.

[Christine]

No, she's not good at a float. Like a.

[Robert Kelly]

No one's good at it.

[Christine]

Dude, I love Christine. No, like a suburban housewife lady with her hat and her sunglasses.

[Mike]

What is it?

[Christine]

I love it. Oh, my God.

[Robert Kelly]

So you get one of those. You know, those balls that kids have with the handle on it, and you sit on it and you can, like, bounce around like a pogo ball. Well, that thing really fights to stay above water. And if you push it down with friends and get your legs over the handle and then hold the handle with your hand and slowly walk yourself to where your feet aren't going to touch anymore, when you let go, you say, go. You're now taking part in pool rodeo. And somewhere in the next one to five seconds, you are going to be face first smashed into the pool water and flipped upside down by this thing.

[Jacob]

Jay did.

[Robert Kelly]

But how many seconds? I did a 12. 12?

[Jacob]

Was it 12? I thought it was 20.

[Christine]

The most you got on Sunday was what, five?

[Jacob]

I got. I think I got half a second. And then I did a full circle.

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby wouldn't let go.

[Jacob]

Well, I forgot to let go. It all went up my nose.

[Christine]

And then I got, like, my ear.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, all you saw was when Bobby's face goes down and then the things. And then you just see his knees hugging a ball, and then he's going back in.

[Mike]

That sounds like so much fun.

[Christine]

It's so fun.

[Jacob]

So fun.

[Christine]

But if you're over 30, guaranteed, you're sitting on your nuts the whole time. You're.

[Robert Kelly]

You can. If you don't get on it right, you can, in fact, sit on your own ball back. I'll tell you the worst pain I felt with it. I found out I had it. I had it too inflated the first time I tried it. And when I did that, I pushed it down and I tried to get over it, but it was so inflated, fighting to get above the water, that when I put it between my legs still, I would. I couldn't let go of the handle. And the ball through my legs starts firing up to get above the water. And I'm holding the handle still, and it's just wedging myself with thick, thick plastic. It hurts so much. That hurt. That was uncomfortable. I know. We have to say goodbye.

[Jacob]

Today.

[Robert Kelly]

Michael Fenoya is gonna be at Mohegan sun in Chicago. I didn't know there was a Mohegan sun in Chicago.

[Christine]

There's two.

[Robert Kelly]

I know. She fixed it. Mohegan sun in Connecticut. Then after that, Chicago, Bloomington, Indiana all this month for tickets and all dates, Punch up live MikeFenoy Mike, Mike. Also, it's fun thing. Mike's on the road a bunch of dates this year. Ron White just did the first one. He's opening.

[Christine]

The whole second half of the year with Ron.

[Jacob]

That's awesome.

[Robert Kelly]

Very, very exciting show. Thank you. So make sure you look for if you're seeing Ron White, look for Mikey in the city.

[Jacob]

Yeah, go check him out and scream it out. He's hilarious.

[Christine]

I love you.

[Robert Kelly]

Check out his podcast are we all wherever you get pods and follow at Mike Finoya F I N O I A on all socials. And of course go to Punch Up Live Robert Kelly for all Bobby's dates. Empire Comedy club in Portland, Maine, July 25th and 26th for now. After that he's going to be in Rochester, Tampa at Emous, Pennsylvania for tickets and all the tour dates. Visit Punchup Live Robert Kelly and make.

[Jacob]

Sure you check out Big J. He's going to be at the Comedy Zone July 11th and 12th. After that, in Tacoma, Los Angeles, Sacramento. For tickets and all the tour dates. BigJ comedy.com or Punchup Live Big J Okerson. Make sure you check them out. The bonfire tomorrow. We're back tomorrow. Oh, I forgot. What, today? Oh yeah, we got a very special show tomorrow that's going to be fun. Bye.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, Jacob, let's get you a baby on the dark web.

[Don]

DSW's semi annual sale is back. Take 40 off all clearance shoes in stores for a limited time. Literally every single clearance item at your DSW store is on sale right now. Sneakers, sandals, any style. If they're on the clearance racks, they're 40% off.

[Robert Kelly]

So what are you waiting for?

[Don]

Don't sleep on these savings. Get to DSW asap. It's all or nothing, people. Shop the DSW semi annual sale today.