Forty Years Sober

Summary

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The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: "Forty Years Sober"
Date: September 11, 2025
Host: SiriusXM’s Faction Talk, Channel 103

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Overview

On this milestone episode, co-host Robert Kelly leads the show while Big Jay Oakerson is delayed in traffic. The centerpiece is Kelly’s candid and moving celebration of forty consecutive years of sobriety, delivered with the show’s trademark blend of brutal honesty and offbeat humor. Alongside regular panel members and friends, including Christine, Lou, and Paco, the crew explores sobriety, the trials of the road, lost “sparkle,” comedy culture, their foibles as homeowners, nostalgia for youth, and plenty of hilarious, meandering sidebars on pop culture, family life, and body horror movies. The atmosphere is both sentimental and irreverent, as insights about personal transformation mix seamlessly with self-deprecating comedy and NSFW banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Jay’s Traffic Nightmare & The Comedic Warm-up

• The show opens with Jay stuck in traffic, leaving Kelly to riff on suburban woes, anxiety about lateness, and his mania for arriving early to events to kill time with cigars and ramen.
• Christine and the crew discuss traffic navigation strategies, the futility and acceptance of being caught up in the uncontrollable.
  • Robert Kelly: “There’s three levels of traffic… and then there’s this sereneness that happens where you just kind of listen to music and you’ve accepted your fate. You’re not gonna make it. This is God’s will.” (03:27)

2. Robert Kelly’s 40th Sobriety Anniversary

• Kelly reveals that exactly 40 years ago, he made the fateful decision as a 15-year-old in Spencerport, NY, to party with friends instead of going home, leading to arrest and a transformative overnight realization in juvie.
  • Robert Kelly: “I woke up in a cell on my knees, praying to God. Please help me. This is bad.” (05:14)
  • The harrowing welcome: “A guy with one eye and one arm woke me up… Screaming in my face: ‘19! That’s your number. When I call your number, you say 19!’” (06:00)
• Kelly’s reflection: He credits this low with propelling him into lifelong sobriety, noting the role of God, fate, and acceptance.
• The room responds with congratulations, jokes about his “party pooper” status, and shared experiences—Lou and Christine recall their own struggles with and distance from partying.
  • Robert Kelly: “When somebody’s done, they’re done. The things they need to be done come into their life, and all they have to do is follow that path.” (09:58)

3. Sobriety, Addiction, and Recovery in Comedy

• Christine and Lou share war stories of past substance use (“I was 12-stepping at 17… but didn’t stay sober”—Christine, (07:28)), questioning alternate lives had they gotten clean early.
• Lou jokes darkly about blackout drinking and missing most Pearl Jam shows: “I’ve been to like 110 Pearl Jam shows. I remember 30 of them.” (11:30)
• Kelly muses about the “cuteness” of legal weed, noting his admiration for dispensary packaging and the “adorable” ritual of modern stoner culture.

4. Losing Your Sparkle: Comedians & Vulnerability

• Kelly shares wistful nostalgia for his younger, more exuberant self (“Spiff”) who owned wedding dance floors, lamenting how the biting camaraderie of comics has sapped his spontaneity.
  • Christine: “Your comedy friends really did a number on you.” (14:15)
• He illustrates the generational culture shift in comedy; younger comics these days are “nice,” not “mean,” which he finds weird and sadly stifling.
  • Robert Kelly: “I don’t know what they talk about… it just looks like there’s no fun anymore. I think comics just aren’t mean to each other.” (15:21)

5. Pop Culture Tangents & Body Horror

• Christine brings up actress Alison Brie’s supposed nudity in a new horror movie, prompting a debate about who’s actually showing what and the hilarity of “body doubles” and “prosthetic titties.”
• Lou and Kelly riff on the “body horror” genre, the disappointment of fake nudity, and their preferences for “real” bodies.
  • Robert Kelly: “I think I like her smaller boobs. I find my wife… adorable right now because she’s got that little stupid Paco ass… like a Filipino boy, which I like.” (18:36)
• The crew veers into a goofy conversation about sex toys, body standards, and the aesthetics of “body horror” cinema.

6. Home Life, DIY Struggles, and Masculinity

• Paco and Kelly swap tales of failed masculinity, particularly around home and car maintenance—hiring “men to be men” for their wives, feeling emasculated yet helpless, their aversion to household labor, and the intimidating nature of home repairs.
• Hilarious debate ensues about installing “rock lights” (LED lights) under a truck, their wiring ineptitude, and their collective lack of “real man” skills.
  • Paco: “I have a respect and fear for electricity. We’re not real men, Bobby.” (46:11)

7. Domestic Humiliation & The Pool Boys

• Christine and Paco recount their pool and landscaping woes, often feeling awkward or emasculated when young, attractive workers come over.
  • Paco: “They just sent over two gorgeous boys… I don’t know if they’ve ever cleaned the pool.” (47:47)
  • Robert Kelly: “I hide in the house. I don’t want to be outside smoking a cigar on YouTube while these guys are just working hard.” (51:16)
• The conversation spirals into the humiliation of asking landscapers dumb questions they don’t understand, failed gardens, and the inability to keep plants alive (“Christine’s murdered every plant”—Paco, (52:41)).

8. Quitting vs. Perseverance: The Comedy Life

• Kelly and Paco discuss their propensity to quit everything in life except standup, noting their accidental persistence in an otherwise quit-prone existence.
  • Paco: “I’m a quitter. Everything except comedy in my life, I’ve walked away from completely… If no one will ever mention it again, I’ll just walk away.” (55:41)
  • Robert Kelly: “What a great answer. Yeah, I’m just quitting.” (56:01)

9. Fatherhood Moments & Awkward Parenting

• Kelly shares an affectionate, funny story about his son Max hosting a girl at the house.
• The panel riffs on awkward conversations about kids dating, sex, and terrible parental advice.
  • Robert Kelly: “If Max is like, I don’t want to go to college, I’d be: good for you, don’t. Go do what you want to do.” (56:33)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Robert Kelly on acceptance and the recovery journey:
  “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Traffic. And the courage to change the things I can.” (03:50)

• Lou on blackouts:
  “I’m really thankful for my blackouts, because I think that’s God’s way of protecting me from my own evil.” (11:13)

• Robert Kelly on the evolution of the comedy scene:
  “The new generation of comedians are so not mean to each other. … It just looks like there’s no fun anymore. … I like that they took the sparkle out of me. Maybe.” (15:21)

• Paco on his lack of handyman skills:
  “I have a respect and fear for electricity. We’re not real men, Bobby. We both have Louis Vuitton purses.” (46:11)

• Robert Kelly on family:
  “You’re my surrogate family. Not you, Paco. Everyone else in this room.” (04:09)

• Christine on faux movie nudity:
  “But it turns out I was watching some janky copy. I should have known something was up when there were Russian subtitles.” (19:48)

• Paco on the futility of homegrown produce:
  “I just want a farmer to handle all that part and then get it to me. … I don’t want to bring a cow home and go cut a steak off this sumbitch.” (55:19)

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Important Timestamps

• 03:24 – 06:44: Kelly’s story of getting arrested at 15 and how it led to 40 years of sobriety.
• 09:58: Reflection on finding the right moment to get sober.
• 12:20 – 14:49: Loss of “spiff”/sparkle after years in standup, changing comedy culture.
• 18:36: Kelly’s candid riff on body preferences post-marriage.
• 34:01 – 36:37: Jay and Paco argue about the best GPS app and share harrowing traffic stories.
• 46:03 – 51:24: Hilarious discourse on hiring “real men” to fix things, feelings of inadequacy.
• 56:01 – 56:54: Admissions of quitting everything but comedy.
• 57:08 – 60:26: Kelly’s parenting stories about Max’s budding love life.

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Style & Tone

Staying true to The Bonfire’s unfiltered spirit, this episode blends raw vulnerability with raunchy, off-the-cuff humor. The crew’s willingness to laugh at themselves and each other, even about deeply personal topics like addiction and self-esteem, makes for a rich, relatable listen. Even as the conversation twists from life-changing moments to car mods, the show’s core is clear: friendship, brutal honesty, and laughter as medicine.

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For New Listeners

This episode is perfect for fans of real, honest storytelling and comedy that’s as compassionate as it is merciless. Whether you’re in recovery, a comic in the trenches, or just mourning your lost “wedding dance floor sparkle,” the banter and honesty in "Forty Years Sober" will make you laugh, wince, and possibly reflect on your own turning points.

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Transcript

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[Paco]

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[Announcer]

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[Robert Kelly]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly. What's up everybody? Welcome. It's the bonfire with Big J Okerson and me. Cutie patootie Robert Kelly. And our lovable leader Jay is dealing with suburb right now. I've done it. I've done it. I've been here. That's why I'm a freak. That's why I leave. That's why I get to the airport three hours early. This is why I leave at 2:30 to get to the city. I'll walk around and go smoke a cigar or do something. Maybe get a bowl of ramen like the fato that I am. Just a pack. You know. You're a fatso and you get a bowl of ramen to pass time. I love ramen. You could probably just get a cup of coffee.

[Christine]

Is this a rock Lights.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, no, no, because Jay's stuck in. He's stuck in traffic right now.

[Christine]

Who knows?

[Robert Kelly]

You think anything? It's disco light action. They're just stopping him.

[Christine]

He just got the. Maybe he's not used to the power of them.

[Robert Kelly]

He's at a park right now just showing a bunch of kids on skateboards. No guys, this is what you do. Look. No, it's on an app. Really. It's funny. He's in traffic. He's on his way, people. Don't you fret. Don't get nervous. He's coming. He's coming. Christina. Christina isn't even paying. She's just like, you know, I thought she'd be like panicking or nervous or sad. She's just like. But relaxed. She's so. I've never seen her this relaxed. I mean, you look so at ease. Yeah. What's going on?

[Announcer]

What can we do?

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, I don't know.

[Announcer]

He's like remapped 18 times. There was a second accident when they already closed the highway down to one lane. Like it's a total fucking nightmare disaster.

[Robert Kelly]

How did you get here? I.

[Announcer]

My GPS took me on a different route around it and I was still in traffic.

[Robert Kelly]

Really? But you're here.

[Announcer]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You may. You made it.

[Announcer]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you call him and say, hey, I'm this tr. This is better go this way.

[Announcer]

No, I thought that he was just going to map it and it was going to come up for him too.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Announcer]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

So you just let him hang out there?

[Announcer]

I know because honestly, the way that it took me, I was, I was on the phone with Rebecca and I was like, I took this weird route to get to work and now I'm further than I should be and I'm still stuck in traffic.

[Robert Kelly]

But you made it.

[Announcer]

So I made it. But I didn't. I wasn't thinking that like what I was doing was the best option even because I was in traffic.

[Robert Kelly]

There's three levels of traffic. There's what the. What a life and everybody. And then you go through it and there's this sereneness that happens where you just kind of listen to music and you've accepted your fate. You're not going to make it. And you know, I want to miss the flight, I want to miss the show and I'm all right with that. This is God's will. That's why I have this. I have this tattoo. Serenity, courage and wisdom. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Traffic encourage you Change the things I can.

[Lou]

And the wisdom to know the difference.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you, Lou. Today. You know what today is?

[Announcer]

40 years today.

[Robert Kelly]

40 years ago today. I haven't posted this, I haven't put it out there to the world, but I'm gonna share it with you guys in this room because you're my, you're my family now. You're my surrogate family. Not you, Paco. Everybody else in this room.

[Announcer]

He works on. He works on two.

[Robert Kelly]

You're a cleaning person, you live in the house, but in the servant's wing. 40 years ago today, little Bobby Kelly, little 15 year old Bobby Kelly was in Spencerport, New York, little suburb of Rochester, New York and he made a decision. Do I hang out with these kids tonight and go drink and party or whatever the fuck they're gonna do up There in the that redneck little town, Spencer Port, New York. Or do I go home to see my family, Maybe go to bed and literally in a fork in the road. And I. They were like, what are you doing? You want to go or not? And I was like, fuck it, let's go. And that night I wound up drinking, going, getting arrested and going to jail in Rochester, New York, one of the worst juvenile prisons I've ever been in. I woke up in a cell. I've said this. Did I tell you this yesterday? I woke up in a cell on my knees, praying to God. Literally praying to God, please help me. This is bad.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

A guy with one eye and one arm woke me up the next day. This black guy with Jheri curls, one army and one eye woke me up the next day and call. He said 19. Screaming in my face, 1990. I was like, what's 19? He's. That's your number. When I call your number, you say 19. You got it? I was like, okay, yes, sir.

[Christine]

What does that mean? 19.

[Robert Kelly]

I was number 19 in the line. We had a line up out in front of our thing to go to breakfast. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19. I screamed it way too loud. I remember that I scared the dude in front of me and he looked at me like he was going to beat the out of me. Yeah, it was terrible. Last drink, last drug today.

[Christine]

Congratulations.

[Robert Kelly]

40 years ago, clean and sober.

[Christine]

That's great.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, that was not really. I mean, I didn't just make a putt on the ninth hole. 40. Yeah. Really? Drug addicts. Christina, Christine, begrudgingly. Is that good for you? You nerd. You party pooper.

[Announcer]

It literally has me.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you have to take over? At least Dan got high. I have to get desserts for you, you fato Bob.

[Announcer]

You know I love the desserts.

[Robert Kelly]

That bento box makes me so happy.

[Announcer]

I was. It has me thinking because I went to. I was 12 stepping for the first time at 17.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Announcer]

But I did not stay sober.

[Robert Kelly]

We know.

[Announcer]

And so it has me that I'm like, wow. Like, what would life have been like if I had actually just stuck to it at that time?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you would way better. I don't.

[Announcer]

I had a lot of fun drinking and drugging in my 20s and 30s.

[Robert Kelly]

You still having them in your late 30s?

[Announcer]

I mean, it didn't always end well.

[Robert Kelly]

But had a lot of fun. Not for any of us. With you crazy phone call and then. And Jay. I literally fell Asleep on the phone while she was talking to me. My wife came in, Bobby. She's still talking.

[Announcer]

Haven't done coke in almost a decade. But I guess I'll go myself.

[Robert Kelly]

That's true. No, I, I, it's probably served you.

[Announcer]

Served you well to make that decision.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, look it, I was a violent drunk at 15. I drank and I got violent, you know what I mean, with that temperament. I was no good. Here's the thing. Weed, because I smoked just weed back then. It wasn't the shit. I go with Christine and Jay after the show sometime when they would live in the city to their weed shop. And it just, it does all my little addiction. The little containers they get it in. I just want those because they have, like, little metal tops and some are red and some are pink and some are blue. And he's going through a menu like, I'll get the, you know, the Howdy Doody and the zippity Doo dah and the fun. Yeah. What is that? What is that?

[Announcer]

Isn't it so cute?

[Robert Kelly]

It's. Dude, weed is adorable.

[Announcer]

Don't you want them in every color?

[Robert Kelly]

I do. I want to, I want to keep my Tums in them.

[Christine]

You two partied?

[Robert Kelly]

They do. They, it, they.

[Christine]

I mean, you partied. Christine parties.

[Robert Kelly]

She still parties, though. You still party.

[Announcer]

I mean, I smoke weed. I had to stop partying. I partied all the way up until like four years ago.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, Lou stopped partying. Thank God, right?

[Lou]

I was going downhill.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, the show was too. We're going to have to. Some dude on the board just. He has. Beep, beep, beep, beep. That's it. Hey, man, that's the only sound effect we'd have for everything. Hey, Jay, what do you think about Christine? Shut the up, Paco. Jay's lane again.

[Christine]

Has had.

[Robert Kelly]

My God, it's, it's here it is, man. It is. When I always say this, when somebody's done, they're done. You know what I mean? And the things that they need to be done come into their life, and all they have to do is follow that path. And, man, does it make me happy that, yeah, he's a little late, but. No, no, no. Don't you mean better late than never?

[Announcer]

I mean, I mean, I, I went to like, 36. I was a little late.

[Robert Kelly]

A little late. We're still waiting for you to get whacked again. We need content. We have Paco here every Wednesday. Every Wednesday, in case you up. Yeah, no, it is great. I mean, dude, let me tell you Something was it. Last gang fest was. I mean, I. It was hilarious to walk with Lou. I mean, Lou was. He told you he loved you a bunch of times, and then he'd say he hate you a couple times, and then he'd be like, I'm kidding. I love you.

[Announcer]

You know, say you hate me.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you hate me. There was a lot of hate and love going on with him. If you took a walk with Lou when he was drinking, he hates you. He hates you. But then he would try to get you to talk about somebody, and he'd be like, well, he's an all right guy. Nah, he's a good. You're right. N. I suck. I suck. He's a great guy.

[Lou]

I'm really thankful for my blackouts because I think that's God's way of protecting me from my own evil.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's true. That is true.

[Announcer]

I wish I blacked out more. I would wake up and just fucking remember it.

[Robert Kelly]

You blacked out a couple of times. You did a different blackout.

[Lou]

I've been like, 110 Pearl Jam shows. I remember 30 of them.

[Robert Kelly]

That's crazy. Yeah. How. Well, it must have been so great to go to them sober. Oh, man. Yeah.

[Lou]

It was a whole new world.

[Robert Kelly]

But did you. Did you. Were you. Did you dance? Did you. Did you still do the same you did when you. Well, you don't know because you're blacked out. But did you still get into it and get goofy?

[Lou]

Yes. Not as much. But then when my girlfriend came, I went to the first one alone, which was frightening, but, you know, I got through it. And then the second one, I was with her, and that's when I really had fun and let go.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, good, good, good, good. Yeah, I wish I. I don't know where my ability to let go went. I had it when I was younger. I used to be the guy at the. My weddings. I had a big Irish Catholic family, right? So we had all these weddings, and I would be the one that would dance, and, you know, I do the little moves, and they. I clear the dance floor and. You know, I told you my nickname was Spiff, right? Did you know that? No, I never told you that. Yeah, my mom used to dress me in suspenders and a bow tie all the time. So my five uncles called me Spiff. Spiffa, because I was always Spiffy, and that was my nickname. And I would. And when they were ever. There was a wedding, they would get Spiff. Get Spiff on the dance floor, and I'd come out and start. I'd clear the floor, spin. I got photos of it, too. Me trying to do splits and shit. And I was like a. I was like a star at weddings.

[Announcer]

And then you became friends with a bunch of comedians and you lost your sparkle. It really happens. They really just take your sparkle. Everything's dumb. Everything's lame.

[Robert Kelly]

That's stupid. Yeah, Paco, leave before your sparkle. I don't want you to lose your sparkle. Yeah, it is true. I don't. I can't. Like, when we did that, we did a wedding this year. I'm not gonna say who because I don't get in trouble. There's so many things I can't say that I. I hate comedy now. I really do. Anyways, whatever. I was at a wedding this year, and I. Everybody's dancing and doing this stuff, and I couldn't. I just couldn't do it. I was so. And here I am sitting there. I had a shirt with tigers on it. I'm like, dude, if anybody should be dancing, it should be you.

[Christine]

Spiff.

[Robert Kelly]

The Spiff was there, but I can't let him out of. I can't get Spiff around.

[Announcer]

To be fair.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, to be fair.

[Announcer]

I like that it was organized, not spontaneous. A little bit of a different situation.

[Robert Kelly]

But there was times where you could have been spontaneous, and I'm not spontaneous. I get so nervous dancing now, like little Spiffers inside me. Like, he wants to come out, but, you know, old Bob is just like, nah, man, you don't wanna. People are looking at you, you know, you don't want to it up.

[Christine]

Your comedy friends really did a number on you.

[Robert Kelly]

I know.

[Announcer]

Yeah, that's what it is.

[Robert Kelly]

It really is true. I walked in the cellar last night and Keith was in the back because he's coming over tomorrow night, going to your house, which I'm excited about. And Keith is going, but I walk back and it's so funny. The new generation of comedians are so not mean to each other. He's sitting there, and there's this girl and this other guy, and I don't know them. I know they're comedians because they're sitting at the table and. And I walk back and, oh, Keith, you're just fucking garbage. He's like, what? I'm like, you're a piece of shit. As a human, you're just garbage. And I. I'm here to let you know that you're in this world, you garbage people. And they were looking at me like, why would you ever say that? I looked right in her Face and go, he's garbage. Don't let him fool you. But Keith's just going, ha. You're right. I am a piece of. It's so not funny at the table, man. It's just. I don't know what the. They talk about. I look from a distance and it just looks like there's no fun anymore. Because I think comics just aren't mean to each other. I don't. I don't. I mean, at least at the Cellar, they're not. They're not mean. Nobody's mean. Everybody's nice. Which I don't like. I don't like it. I like that. I like that they took the sparkle out of me. Maybe. I don't.

[Announcer]

These guys are all probably just, like, dancing and having fun and, you know, experiencing joy.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, just having really awesome friendships. They don't have to go to bed with fucking emotion.

[Announcer]

They don't feel bad about themselves every night they drive home.

[Robert Kelly]

They don't have emotional hangovers on the way home. Talking out loud. You Jim Norton. Yeah, I know. I mean, maybe we did do it wrong. I don't know. Who knows? Anyways, you were talking about this movie before we were coming in. Well, all right. You. This. This is what.

[Christine]

I shouldn't be mad, because if I had done things the right way, I would have.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you talking about in life?

[Christine]

No, just in this case.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, sorry. I thought you were over. I thought. I thought we were breaking you down. My spiff thing broke you up. I shouldn't have moved to New York.

[Christine]

Well, I heard. Yes, I'm a fan of Alison Brie, and I heard she does like Alison Brie is.

[Robert Kelly]

Who? Because I didn't know.

[Christine]

And I'm sure this from Community.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm sure there's a lot of dudes out there who have. No, there's not. There's a lot of alpha males out there that have no idea who you're talking about.

[Christine]

That's her.

[Robert Kelly]

Not that I'm an alpha.

[Christine]

Wow, that's her.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm wrong about that. Everybody should know about her.

[Lou]

She cannot keep her clothes on.

[Robert Kelly]

Who is anything.

[Christine]

She does now, but it took, like, 20 years, and so this was a bigger young tits.

[Lou]

I've seen her old tits.

[Christine]

You haven't seen her young.

[Lou]

I've seen every version of this puss.

[Robert Kelly]

I've seen Dawn's young tits and old tits. She's back to her young tits again. It's so weird to have little titty Don again. She's. She's a member of the. Itty bitty titty committee. My wife has small tits. It's so weird. She had big gazoobas last year, just chug, chugs. And now she has these. Can I be honest with you? I think I'm. I like her smaller tits. I find my wife. Can I say this? She doesn't listen to anything I do. Of course I can. She's. She doesn't know anything I do. I actually said to one day, do you ever listen to the bonfire? She went, no, I don't have time for that. Yeah, I think I like. I like her smaller boobs. I like small titties. She's like, more. I think her tits are what her tits were supposed to be like what God gave her. Yes, I said God. I'm sorry, Paco. I know you don't believe. And Christine, I know it offends you.

[Announcer]

I just don't think it's a man, Christine.

[Robert Kelly]

Me neither. I believe in. I believe in her God. He. She, He, She. Her God. Yeah. I think I like the small titties now.

[Christine]

That's good.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a weird thing because you think that you'd love, you know, these big titties and, you know. Yeah. You know. But I like my wife's. I look at her body now and it fits her. She's like adorable to me right now because she's got that little fucking stupid Paco ass. You know what I mean? She has like an ass like a Filipino boy, which I like, by the way. I'm not. I'm a fan of that. So this girl. I don't know this girl. I thought it was the other girl. I don't know who this girl is. You're attracted to this.

[Christine]

That's.

[Announcer]

She's like Jacob's number one.

[Robert Kelly]

That looks like the girl I. I saw at the Cellar last night.

[Christine]

Well, she's got a bad picture. This is from Glow. There we go.

[Announcer]

A bad picture. I mean, she's like.

[Robert Kelly]

No, she's standing there. It looks like every comic SD has passed over the last three years. Thank you, Paco. I needed a comic to laugh at that joke. A comic that didn't get into the Cellar.

[Christine]

Well, I was just pissed because I heard in the movie Together, the new horror movie, she does like. She's nude.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, but this is hard.

[Christine]

I watched it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

And there was nothing in it.

[Robert Kelly]

No nudity.

[Christine]

No nudity.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm pretty sure you said you ran home.

[Christine]

No, that was from a different. A different show. That was another show.

[Robert Kelly]

I would love it.

[Christine]

That was the first time I Heard you. Hey, man, am I proud of that. No.

[Robert Kelly]

You end up kicking a kid off a skateboard over the bridge, jumping onto an eagle's feet.

[Christine]

But it turns out I was watching some janky copy. I should have known something was up when there were Russian sub. Russian subtitles. Subtitles.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. So you got a. You got us. You got a cam version.

[Christine]

I guess that's what I didn't realize.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you can. They have.

[Christine]

When you cut it.

[Robert Kelly]

When you get a movie before it's out on one of those whatever sites they usually. It's funny because you'll be watching it like something's off with this, and then you see the guy cough and the camera just moves like one of Paco's aunts just recording this in the Philippines.

[Christine]

You cannot trust the movies that on. If you're gonna.

[Robert Kelly]

Just fell off the chair, not pay for them.

[Christine]

You don't know what you're getting.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Now. Now this movie, it's. It doesn't look like a horror movie to me. Dude, it doesn't look like it's scary.

[Christine]

It's. What did you call it?

[Lou]

Body horror.

[Christine]

Body horror.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that what me and Jay, if we did a. A nude movie. That's what they call that, a body. No. Okay. Nice talking to you. All right, Bobby, take off your shirt. Jay, take off your shirt now. Go in the pool at noon on a sunny day. Body horror. Christy, no kidding.

[Announcer]

Girl can't keep her clothes on, right?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. Like, why would you want to. It.

[Announcer]

Really. I don't know why you're so excited about.

[Christine]

Because it didn't happen until she was like, 39.

[Robert Kelly]

Can you. What is that on the screen? What is that? Advertising? What is that?

[Announcer]

What is that called?

[Robert Kelly]

The.

[Announcer]

The fleshlight thing?

[Robert Kelly]

That's not a flashlight. It goes. It's on top of a guy's penis and it goes in his butt.

[Announcer]

Ew.

[Robert Kelly]

What do you mean?

[Announcer]

Oh, this?

[Robert Kelly]

Don't be said. Judgmental.

[Announcer]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, what is that? What is this? What is it called? Just tell me the name of it so I can Google it later. What is it?

[Christine]

Looks like the young alien umbrella alien.

[Robert Kelly]

Came out of a flower. That was a. It was a. It was a mouth attached to a tongue. And the mouth. And the tongue went. I should have. That should have been my merch tongues. What is. What is bot. What is it called again? Body what?

[Lou]

Body horror.

[Robert Kelly]

What is that?

[Christine]

The plotters is that her and her. Her boyfriend literally meld. They start sticking together and they become.

[Robert Kelly]

It's called. You know what I Call that stupid? Why? That's stupid.

[Lou]

It was. And the. The genre means that it's more disgusting and visually gross than. Than like, jump scare, right?

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, so it's. It's not a horror movie. It's not scary. It's just.

[Christine]

No gory. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Like that movie that Demi Moore was in, right? Yeah, that actually was good. I thought that wasn't scary, but it was good. That was creepy good, right?

[Lou]

No, I was done with it by the end. I'm like, all right, I get it. You're grossing me out. I'm grossed out. Bye, jerk offs.

[Robert Kelly]

Really? Yeah.

[Announcer]

The blob thing. I was like, all right. That took a turn. It really was like the end. The last, like, 10 minutes of the movie were like a complete, completely different movie.

[Robert Kelly]

It's so up that. That wasn't her body. Margaret Qualley wasn't her tits. Wasn't her ass.

[Christine]

So upset.

[Robert Kelly]

That makes me so angry. You can't cast somebody that has those tits and ass. Cast this girl. She had those tits and ass. Have her do it. I. I was like, wow, she's smoking hot. And then I found out she's not. Because she was.

[Christine]

She still is.

[Robert Kelly]

She's. She's all right. She's not that hot. She's not a smoking hot. Her body in that movie was ridiculous. Her body's not. She has little tiny titties. Yeah, dude, she's got little baby titty. Like, I. I told you. I like not. Christine. I like.

[Christine]

I don't think they're that.

[Robert Kelly]

I like little titties. I think they're fine on people.

[Announcer]

Fine.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm just saying. No, I'm just saying. Thank you. I'm fine. I think they're beautiful on you. I think. I think. What? Does that sound right? You got nice titties. Christine.

[Announcer]

I'm sure the body double. I mean, they tried to find somebody that's, you know, pretty identical to what she actually is. I'm sure her. Wait, Demi wasn't naked.

[Robert Kelly]

Demi was naked, but Demi.

[Announcer]

Margot Qualley wasn't naked.

[Robert Kelly]

Demi. No, Demi was naked. They're both naked. But it wasn't her body. It was.

[Christine]

I think she had prosthetic.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, prosthetic titties on and prosthetic butt too. Right? Yeah.

[Christine]

Because.

[Robert Kelly]

What's the movie. She was just in. She was just in something and she's not. She's not even that. What the movie was I watching. God, I hate getting old.

[Christine]

I got my Wolverine juice now, watching older movies. I just watched all the Towering Inferno yesterday. Awesome.

[Robert Kelly]

What, the old scene movies?

[Christine]

Yeah. You really watch it again.

[Robert Kelly]

Is it good?

[Christine]

It's that good.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, I'll watch it. Really?

[Christine]

Yeah. O.J. simpson hands Fred Astera a cat at the end.

[Robert Kelly]

What? Why?

[Christine]

Because the girl that Fred is there, the old lady that, that he connected with.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

In the tower.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

She didn't make it. She gets blown out of an elevator at the, like at the promenade level, the top level.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Christine]

And falls to her desk. But O.J. simpson saves her, her cat from the fire.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

And so at the end of the movie, when Fred Astaire is going through all the, the, the people there, they're getting treated. He's calling her name, and then OJ comes up and said, here, and just hands her the cat.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Christine]

You, you, you. You'll fall in love with O.J. simpson in this again. All over again. He's awesome. And he's a great guy in the movie.

[Robert Kelly]

Who said I was not in love with him.

[Christine]

I remember the quote. Paul Newman, because it was, I think, OJ's first role. Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Paul. That was Paul Newman's first role.

[Christine]

No, no, OJ's first role, I believe.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Christine]

And he was upset. It was a little part. And Paul Newman said, and you're an actor, so I want your take on this. He said, don't play. You don't play your billing. You play your character. And he was great in it. And that said OJ straight.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I mean, that's some actor horseshit that you say to some guy. I had a guy say that to me too, on the set. I. I remember all my lines got cut out of something and I was like, dude, what the happened? Hey, man, it's not how many lines you have, it's how you deliver the line you got. I was like, oh, go yourself.

[Christine]

I'm not in the show if you're cashier 5.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I get it. And then he changed his advice. You're still getting paid the same. That makes sense. I'm still getting the same money and I don't have to work as hard. I'm good. That's why I don't like when comics are like, dude, you have to sit around on a set all day and you focus. It's boring. I'm like, dude, I'm getting paid thousands of dollars to take naps and go to a, a table with snacks. What? What? Did you guys ever have a real job in your life? Did you ever. I worked at a, a lumber yard. Flat stack in the whole lumber yard all day. So to Sit at a. Sit in a. A trailer or even. I don't even give a. If it's on the floor. And sleep and then go get snacks and then sleep and then pretend at a high level for an hour and then go back and nap and then have somebody put makeup on your face, which I love. I don't fucking say what? Paco, don't you dare. Let me tell you something right now. If you don't like getting makeup put on your face, having somebody rub your face, brush it, put powder, and you know there's something wrong with you. You were molested as a kid and you haven't gotten over it. You have childhood trauma. Having somebody touch your face is awesome. Oh, my God.

[Christine]

I don't think so.

[Robert Kelly]

You're fucking. You're fucking zesty.

[Christine]

That makes you zesty?

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, it's the opposite. It's the opposite. In my world, I love makeup. Don't you love makeup?

[Announcer]

Yeah, for a long time.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you have makeup put on? Louis? I'm not. I'm not asking you. No.

[Christine]

When I was a thespian, I did for a couple of plays, but I didn't like the process.

[Robert Kelly]

Why not?

[Christine]

I don't know. It felt weird.

[Robert Kelly]

I think it feels great. Look it. If I had to put it on myself, I would say that. Zesty, right? If I was home putting makeup using Dawn's mirror, her little mirror with all her lights around it, I would say that would be zesty. But if you're on a set and they're doing your makeup and, you know, kind of putting the stuff on and the d shine and, you know, I think that's great. Little lip balm at the end.

[Christine]

I love Don to catch you like Ed Wood putting makeup on.

[Robert Kelly]

So would she. She would love to walk in and go, I knew it. I knew it. You orange peel face. She thinks I'm. She thinks I'm. I'm zesty. Anyways, dude, she thinks I'm there.

[Christine]

You know, you said you like the fact that she's not into listening to any of it. You got a normal wife you just go home to.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, My. My wife does not do social media. Has. No.

[Christine]

And she's married to an influencer.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, yes. I don't want to thank.

[Christine]

Be one influencer. Thank you, family.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you. But yes, I am an influencer. I haven't been influenced.

[Announcer]

There he is.

[Robert Kelly]

Speaking of influences.

[Paco]

Good, good. Paco's here today. We got it documented. Mysterious XM does my review. My yearly review. Hi, everyone.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, what's up, buddy?

[Paco]

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[Robert Kelly]

I don't mean to interrupt your meal, but I saw you from across a cafe, and you're the Geico Gecko, right? In the flesh. Oh, my goodness. This is huge. To finally meet you. I love Geico's fast and friendly claim service. Well, that's how Geico gets 97% customer satisfaction. Anyway, that's all. Enjoy the rest of your food. No worries. So are you just gonna watch me eat? Oh, sorry. Just a little starstruck. I'll be on my way. If you're gonna stick around, just pull up a chair. You're the best.

[Paco]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Paco]

It was a wacky adventure.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. How was it? It was so funny that she got here. Fine.

[Paco]

She left 15 minutes before me.

[Robert Kelly]

Really? That's it?

[Paco]

She's. But also her directions took her a different way.

[Robert Kelly]

She didn't call you up and tell you, hey, go this way.

[Paco]

She would have assumed that this that I would have found out. Also from gps.

[Robert Kelly]

What GPS do you use, by the way? Google or Waze?

[Paco]

Whatever's in the truck. Tom.

[Robert Kelly]

Tom, you don't use the truck. You don't use the car. Gps?

[Paco]

Always.

[Robert Kelly]

Never.

[Paco]

Why?

[Robert Kelly]

Because Google and Waze have up to date accident. Because people are plugging it in as you're going.

[Paco]

I know, but Waze gets annoying because it starts telling you. Like he goes, you want to save 35 seconds, make seven turns.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but you here's the thing with Google. Google bought Ways, stole all the cool shit from Ways, and now they do that without doing. You can actually program Google to be the way you want it to be, but so when I'm driving down the street, cops, it will tell you where there's cops, it will tell you where there's accidents, and then it automatically gives you an alternative roof. Dude, you don't want to go this way. Go this way. You're gonna. It's gonna save you 25 minutes. You got to do Google Maps or at least ways. You can't use. You can't. The car gps.

[Paco]

I don't trust the people.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, you got to let that go, bro.

[Paco]

Ways. I don't trust the people at ways.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, people at ways. You don't even know the people that ways.

[Paco]

No, I know they're all over the road, and they say psychotic things like I just said, like. Like backtrack, four blocks, loop around, get back in it. This little jam will be broken up by then. You've kept moving.

[Robert Kelly]

Do me a favor, stop 7 11, get a Gatorade, 0 a Slim Jim, relax for five minutes, and then get back.

[Paco]

And then. Yeah, because then I think by then this will be over. Yeah, said some person on ways.

[Robert Kelly]

But a car gps, correct me if I'm wrong, is the worst.

[Paco]

GPS goes either way. I can. I hear the arguments for both.

[Robert Kelly]

If they don't have up to date, they don't have the people driving. You can actually send that. The information in. So what is that called when they. What is that?

[Paco]

Psychotic? No, that people are sending in information while they're driving.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, you can.

[Paco]

Ah, there's an accident. That's another accident, by the way. So my thing here, I got on. Hit that traffic and the red line, you know the traffic on the map, the red line just starts growing. It just starts getting longer. Like you're watching it because I'm not moving. So you're watching the line just get longer as it's going. And it finally got to a point where it was like debris ahead. A mile ahead at 2, two of the three lanes are shut. So that's clearly what this all is. Then about a half mile up from that, another accident happens in the lane I'm in. And you only know that because you see people start dipping into the other lane. Not even the other lane. The side. What do you call it?

[Robert Kelly]

The median breakdown lane.

[Paco]

The median.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, the. In the middle.

[Paco]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Whoa.

[Paco]

We're all the way to the left. The right lanes are what's gonna close. So we dip over to the. As I'm going around, I took a picture for you guys, we saw it. Also, I sent that of the lady in her schmata out of her car in the middle of a fucking traffic jam already. Why don't you guys sort it out? Out of the traffic jam? I know you can't, but they. So we had to go around them, you know, right into the traffic jam still.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Paco]

And then finally the fucking merge happened. I got here after that. It was like pretty smooth sailing getting here. Except last quarter mile, the two mile Lincoln Tunnel dead stopped.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Paco]

And why the lanes that I had to get in were open. It's because the buses have to be in the left lane in the tunnel.

[Robert Kelly]

To get to the city.

[Paco]

But as soon as they get in the city, they all have to go, right?

[Robert Kelly]

They have to cut across.

[Paco]

So they were just cutting across the traffic?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Paco]

It wasn't the direction I was going. They were just blocking.

[Robert Kelly]

And those guys don't care.

[Paco]

They don't give a fuck.

[Robert Kelly]

They don't. They're professional New York douchebag drivers.

[Paco]

They're adult bus drivers. They feel like shit about where their life has gone. They think it's a fantastic job.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Paco]

It's got benefits and everything that. But it's. It's nothing.

[Robert Kelly]

They wish they were back at the school. They complained about. But now they wish they with the kids again.

[Paco]

Yes, it's a lunch pail job and it fucking sucks. And most of them are molesters, I assume.

[Robert Kelly]

Hopefully.

[Paco]

Let's only hope most of them are pedophile molesters. And people beat them up constantly. And now I know why.

[Robert Kelly]

Allegedly. Allegedly.

[Paco]

Allegedly.

[Robert Kelly]

Allegedly.

[Paco]

I parked. That was fine.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Paco]

And then I walked here. Pretty much all. Everything at that point without a hitch. Even though I'm already 20 minutes late. I get in, I rush, get in the elevator bank, push the floor. What's the elevator?

[Robert Kelly]

B4.

[Paco]

B4. The one that it's just the luck of. That was like now it went without a hitch. I was a spoiler alert. However, just the fact that it's B4. Nobody was in the elevators. No one's here anymore. We work. We're after work hours.

[Robert Kelly]

People that don't know. B4 is the shit elevator that always.

[Paco]

It's always broken down. We've been stuck in it before.

[Christine]

Default elevator. When eight of them are empty.

[Robert Kelly]

Yep.

[Christine]

It's the other eight.

[Paco]

It's crazy. The scariest one. The one that's always a problem.

[Robert Kelly]

You made it here live, dude. You should be grateful that you didn't. Nothing really tragic happened, dude.

[Paco]

Another day in the grind, right?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, man. You did it, kid. Did you see? I. I told him to leave the lights at my. My rock lights on my truck. Did they leave them on?

[Paco]

You don't have rock lights in your truck?

[Robert Kelly]

Goddamn right I don't. I actually.

[Paco]

I'll tell you what.

[Robert Kelly]

Don got my truck detailed yesterday.

[Paco]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It looks brand new.

[Paco]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

The wheels are smoking. And I said, I. You know what I think? I think disco lights will work on this truck.

[Paco]

It would.

[Robert Kelly]

And I said, don, I go, can I get. Can I get disco light? She goes, what's that? And I go, like underneath the truck light? She goes, no.

[Paco]

Why can't you?

[Robert Kelly]

She just laughed in my face. I went, no.

[Paco]

So you can't. Here's the answer. I've already answered this for you.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Paco]

You get them.

[Robert Kelly]

Yep.

[Paco]

And then never let her enjoy them for two seconds. Like, she can't even witness them.

[Robert Kelly]

So just buy them, have them installed, and then never tell her. Never even tell her.

[Paco]

Yes on your phone.

[Robert Kelly]

But never tell her.

[Paco]

Don't even tell her.

[Robert Kelly]

Just let Max enjoy them. Me and Max enjoy them.

[Paco]

No, you know what? There's no fun in that. Inform her that that laughter is the reason that she will never get to enjoy the rock life.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Because she. If I didn't tell her, then she's not going to realize that you're not enjoying it.

[Paco]

Yeah. Is Rock Lights episode tomorrow?

[Christine]

Yes.

[Paco]

Have we discussed it?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Paco]

I'm getting blinky lights under my truck. If anyone's wondering what we're talking about.

[Robert Kelly]

He'S getting disco lights.

[Paco]

Well, they can be disco lights.

[Christine]

They are.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, it's going to be mainly disco.

[Paco]

No, it's gonna be mainly just white lights. Probably because everything else is illegal. But when I pull up, if I pull up, if I stop in front of you and I know you, you're getting the full show.

[Robert Kelly]

What do you have to know? You, though. Well, you gotta send him this song. This song has to be the first song.

[Announcer]

This song's called Cut the Mozzarella.

[Paco]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow.

[Paco]

Cut the mozzarella.

[Robert Kelly]

How much does it cost to get disco lights all in, out the door?

[Paco]

We talked about this already. It's the rock light. This lights are cheap.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. It's the installation.

[Paco]

120 bucks.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe I'm gonna get them.

[Paco]

The installation is the thing I'm gonna Velcro and you'll ever want to hear tomorrow. But Best Buy run around all over on the phone, this person, that person, that. No one knows what's going on. So guess who's getting my work over where I went before, and he's gonna do a fantastic job. You know why? Because I looked at Google reviews of the place. Positive, positive, and Sam mentioned by name a few times. So you guys try to get me to turn on him, but I won't because we didn't.

[Robert Kelly]

He's not treating you right, man.

[Paco]

No, we just have a contentious relationship.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but that's the way he's talking to you is like he's talking down to you and there's no need for it.

[Paco]

Absolutely.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I mean, you are asking him the silliest questions a man ever asked another man.

[Paco]

Can my blinking lights go to music?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Paco]

Is that a silly question?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I think so. I mean, I think. I don't know. Know. I mean, I have a purse, too, so I don't know.

[Christine]

Jay, why don't you invite him to your first hang?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, please, dude. Invite him tomorrow night. Dude, go. Hey, listen, I'm just doing a little.

[Paco]

Thing for the Eagles tomorrow.

[Christine]

No, no, you're.

[Robert Kelly]

Listen, tomorrow. You are getting them in tomorrow, right?

[Paco]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. After he's done, just be like, hey, dude, I don't know what you're doing later, but I'm having a thing at my house down the street. A couple comic friends of mine. Just going to watch the game and have some cheesesteaks. If you want to stop by, it'd be cool. If you want to stop by. I really appreciate what you do. Just see what he says.

[Paco]

He's going to think I'm coming on to him.

[Robert Kelly]

What if he says. What if he goes like this? Yeah, cool, I'll be there.

[Paco]

I don't want him over.

[Robert Kelly]

Why?

[Paco]

Because that's not what our relationship is.

[Robert Kelly]

You are contentious.

[Paco]

We fucking go ahead. We. We touch foreheads and we fucking iron out deals together like baby goats. Yeah. We just get eye to eye and I go. I go, you're gonna install it, right? He goes, if you want installed, I do. And then he's like, well, then I'm gonna install it for this price fair. I won't even haggle that.

[Robert Kelly]

I love that you're on the new version of your story, that you're as can. Like, you're mean like him.

[Paco]

I'm not as mean as him.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no. This is new. This is a new. This is a new. This is a rewrite.

[Paco]

But I mean, I'm not sitting there.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not.

[Paco]

I'm not letting him bowl over me.

[Christine]

I'm just saying, none of this was on the pretty.

[Paco]

I was shook.

[Robert Kelly]

Tomorrow, please. Listen. Tomorrow you'll hear the other version no, that was the.

[Paco]

You're talking about the very beginning when he. When I was shook, when he said, they're called rock lights.

[Robert Kelly]

And I said, yes, you and Sam, little baby goats. You can get lights.

[Paco]

I said, rock lights. And he goes. Or he said, rock lights. I was like, okay, rock lights. And I go, now, do they go different colors? And he went, yeah, they can do all different colors. And I went, all right. Can they get it where. This might be weird, but where can kind of go to music? And he goes, how old are you? And I went, 47, but I didn't have money when I was a teenager. That's what I said to him.

[Robert Kelly]

And he.

[Paco]

And he was like, all right. And he just kind of, like, did the stuff. It was just all just very matter of fact. The guy's got no bedside manner. Yeah, but I think he's gonna do a good job.

[Robert Kelly]

He's gonna do his job. It's not a good job. It's just a job that he does right. He just doesn't want to have silly conversations with other grown men about, you know, hey, does it. Do these go with music?

[Paco]

He wants that money for sure.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, he's getting paid a salary.

[Paco]

Buck 50 an hour. Someone call up and tell me if that's insane and how long it should take to install these rock lights. We definitely have.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm telling you right now, we could do it tomorrow. We do it.

[Paco]

Not a chance.

[Robert Kelly]

I know we could.

[Paco]

You know nothing about wiring, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, ask me any question about wiring.

[Paco]

How do you wire these to a car?

[Robert Kelly]

What you. Do you want to take out the. The. It's called the simulator. Caliber. It's. It. What. What are you looking away for? Look at me.

[Paco]

Oh, I'm sorry, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, I'm in Local 407 in South Boston, buddy.

[Paco]

Simulator.

[Robert Kelly]

Look, it's called what I say.

[Paco]

You don't remember. We took you off track too far, and you forgot what it was.

[Robert Kelly]

That was a good move.

[Paco]

What did I just. What I say it was called. You try to throw back at me. You're not paying attention, are you?

[Robert Kelly]

I should have used one. I used two Big too many words.

[Paco]

Yeah, yeah, the pump fuse, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm telling you, there's directions. All you got to do there is. You need a drill. Do you have a drill?

[Paco]

It's still in the box, but I do. With a whole bunch of different bits and stuff. I got all the bits. I got all the bits.

[Robert Kelly]

All we need. We need a drill, and we need wire cutter, and we're good to Go. That's it. I guarantee I could do this.

[Paco]

Nope.

[Robert Kelly]

If I don't do this. If I don't. If I can't do this for you tomorrow, I will pay for the installation. Dude, that plug right there, that's the caliber switch, dude.

[Paco]

Huh?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude. You plug the caliber switch into the existing boxes, which is the fuse boxes right there with the tag lights.

[Paco]

Those are the lights. Those are the lights.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, those are the fuse box lights. That's what they call. Buddy, I know what you're saying. Lights, but I'm calling them by the technical terms, fuse box lights.

[Paco]

I'm sorry.

[Robert Kelly]

And that goes into the. What you do is you go to the bottom, you got to find. You got to find stable positions to put them on the frame, and then you. What you want to do is you want to drill into the frame, and that's. I mean, we could magnet it, but that. You want to put them in there.

[Paco]

And I like that you choose to do all of this instead of just holding hands of me and saying, hey, it's not our fault. We didn't have good fathers.

[Robert Kelly]

We didn't.

[Paco]

We didn't have good fathers. I don't know what any of this means. And I'm afraid of electricity. I have a respect. I have a respect and fear for electricity.

[Robert Kelly]

We're not real men. We're not real men.

[Paco]

I don't know what this means, Bobby. Imagine how much we both have Louis Vuitton purses. Not only did the guy. Not only did the guy at Advanced Auto Parts not notice my Louis Vuitton purse, not only did the guy at Advanced Auto Parts sell me these lights with the tagline of, like, these are actually really cool, and, like, pretty easy to install. And then everything you look up on them goes super easy installation on this stuff. And then as soon. As soon as you look any of those videos up, it's like, first things first. You have to find the wire pack underneath the car that goes to the. Whatever. I'm like, I'm already. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. It's super easy.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I mean, it probably is pretty easy, but. You need a lift?

[Paco]

You guys have a lift? No. You need a guy.

[Robert Kelly]

You need a man.

[Paco]

You need a guy.

[Robert Kelly]

This is so funny, because I've talked about this before. I. In my house and all my friends, all my comic friends, we have to hire men. Yeah. To be men. Christine for our women.

[Paco]

Christine's on the phone three hours a week with men who have to do stuff around my House, by the way. No, no, today. This was crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Paco]

I'm like, what's going on in this neighborhood? I'm rarely home for this to happen. The pool guys came today and it was like. I mean, they sent two 24. Five year old surfer boys. One of them shirtless, just fucking shredded, just carrying stuff and gave me the little nod. What's up, dude? This motherfucker. Our dog didn't even go up and bark at him. It just wanted to be around him. The dog goes up and barks at everyone. The dog, I go, she's friendly. And he went, yeah. And she just came over and didn't even bark. She was just like. I mean, she just wanted to smell him. Then Christine slid out of her chair. What the fuck's going on? And then I'm like. And I was on the phone, I think, with Met's girl. I was like, they just sent over a couple of handsome fucking pool guys over here. Christine goes, you're talking so loud.

[Robert Kelly]

She has lemonade on a fucking cart. Hey, boys, she has nipple tassels on.

[Paco]

She's 40. She'll go, hey, guys, can you help me with this ingrown toenail? Yeah. They just sent over two gorgeous boys.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow.

[Paco]

They really were. I mean, the one. His floppy curly hair and his wraparound shades, just holding a box of something really heavy. Straining yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

What did. Were they cute? Did you find them cute?

[Announcer]

Yeah, they were cute.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow. She said that fast, huh?

[Announcer]

They're young.

[Robert Kelly]

You like? Would you like. All right, here's the deal.

[Paco]

Tell you what. If you'd appreciate my rock lights.

[Robert Kelly]

They what?

[Paco]

They would appreciate the. On my rock lights.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they would. Because they're 20.

[Paco]

Yeah. My blinky lights. I could those. I could those guys before Christine with my rock lights.

[Robert Kelly]

Christine, if Jay wasn't home and they were there, would you flirt with them at all?

[Christine]

Two twenties make a forty.

[Paco]

No. No. Why?

[Announcer]

I'm not confident like that.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, everybody sad.

[Paco]

Great.

[Robert Kelly]

What do you mean, not confident? What do you mean? You have to be confident about you're. You look great.

[Paco]

If you let a pussy lip hang out, they're gonna look.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. You don't know how guys work. Yeah. Let half an areola you find they.

[Paco]

Can'T believe it's happening.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Did you watch the movies in the 80s?

[Paco]

Actually? These guys can believe it's happening. These guys are definitely cleaning up.

[Announcer]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Paco]

He walked in with a smile, like. Almost like he was happy to see that there was a guy home so they don't have to fuck again. He was like, oh, thank God there's a dude here. It's usually these fucking old bitties. Just pawn at my wang.

[Robert Kelly]

His belt was made of panties from other houses.

[Paco]

These guys are so handsome. And I mean this. These guys are so handsome. I don't know because we've called back several times. I don't know if they've ever cleaned the pool.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you're not even paying attention.

[Paco]

No, Christine said every time we go in, it's right there's like sediment. What do you call it? Just kind of like dirt. It's like dirt and stuff at the bottom of it that they're supposed to get when they clean it. And she goes and goes, we can send them back again during the week. And Christine's like, yeah, that would be great. But no. Yeah, right. They don't do a great job cleaning.

[Robert Kelly]

They just come in and piss in the pool and leave.

[Paco]

They might. I'm telling you, I don't see. I didn't see when they left. They came. They were gorgeous. And the next time I looked over behind me, they weren't there anymore.

[Robert Kelly]

It'd be funny if they're just going through Christine's panty draw. These are nice boys.

[Paco]

Take whatever you want. Just leave the good stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, you got any Pellegrino?

[Paco]

Yeah. No, no, those big ones I need. You know what I'm saying? I need those big ones for a little bit.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. No, the skin colored ones, I need those.

[Paco]

The black ones with the white stuff in the middle. Just leave those. Christ almighty. Gorgeous pool boys.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Paco]

Don't know if they're good.

[Announcer]

They're not always that guy.

[Paco]

I don't know if they're always. It is funny, though. I do like the people that come to do stuff. The landscapers and shit.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Paco]

I am outside a lot when they show up and I don't know what to do. Awkwardly. And just sit there while they. Manual labor. While I sit there and smoke cigarettes.

[Robert Kelly]

I hide in the house.

[Paco]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Because I don't want to be outside smoking a cigar. I'm being on YouTube or Facebook while these guys are just working hard around my yard.

[Paco]

Yeah. But then I go over and I say things like, are you guys able to do anything about the weeds that comes up between the weeds of what? What? And I go, ah, fuck, never mind. And then I go. And I just awkwardly, passive aggressively pick the weeds myself out for what I'm talking about. I go the. These O's and they don't know what the. I'm saying these O's doesn't mean anything.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you doing duolingo?

[Announcer]

I've called Isabella multiple times to translate for me. I just put her on speakerphone and I'm like, isabelle, I need you.

[Paco]

Isabelle, can you talk to my slave for a second? Can you tell him on delay and however you say that, that is how you say it.

[Robert Kelly]

Dawn planted a garden before we left for the summer. She planted like tomatoes, cucumbers, I mean everything in this little garden we have on the side of the house. And then she just left for the summer. And I went in, I. And it just overgrew and never watered it. I'm like, what are you doing? I went in there and I found like three cucumbers that were albino. Like they were white cucumbers. I think they. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. They were just white cube. I thought they were melons because they had that.

[Paco]

Yeah, you call them an albino cucumber. Like you grew something rare, but you mean just a dead cucumber.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know if it's dead. Is that what happens to cucumbers when they grow past their time?

[Paco]

I've never grown anything in my life. Christina's single handedly, literally murdered every plant. This, this. It's like a gallows pole. The. The little thing outside of our house that holds a hanging plant is like a death sentence for plants. It goes up there just so everyone can see what Christine's willing to do to a plant.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh. It says, do not eat white cucumbers. And this is why. Because they're colonizers. We've.

[Announcer]

Fungal disease.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, is it?

[Paco]

We've got plants that people have handed us and been like, it's impossible to kill this. It'll outlive you. In fact, if you try to kill it, it'll fight back. Like evil dead forest. And they are dead. I don't know.

[Robert Kelly]

Actually.

[Announcer]

No, no, no. That was a snake plant and the movers broke it.

[Robert Kelly]

How'd they break a snake plant?

[Announcer]

It was the pot.

[Paco]

Cut the head off the pot.

[Robert Kelly]

You know that.

[Paco]

Come on, bro, familiar rules.

[Announcer]

I'm not great at keeping things alive, but I kept the one alive and then I just got the same one.

[Robert Kelly]

Because I think that's a. Listen. Women can keep a dog alive, a cat alive, anything living alive. A. A baby alive. But when it comes to, like, yard, they. Dawn's the same way. She's murdered. She murdered my grass four times.

[Paco]

Some women have a green thumb.

[Robert Kelly]

Who, Martha Stewart?

[Announcer]

My friends have, like, house plants.

[Paco]

Doesn't Dave's wife doesn't. Dave's wife, like, Dave's wife, I think, has a garden. I think she's like.

[Robert Kelly]

She's Italian.

[Paco]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It's inner.

[Paco]

Yeah, you're right.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what I mean? I got a Pollock. You go to Armenian.

[Paco]

She's growing gabagool in the backyard.

[Announcer]

I mean, I really should. And my uncles have always had a garden in their backyard.

[Robert Kelly]

They had to survive. Survive The. The. The. What was your country? The.

[Announcer]

The genocide.

[Robert Kelly]

The genocide. Whatever those are.

[Paco]

Yeah. What does that even mean? Who cares? I remember being younger. Younger at my dad's house, our neighbor, like, an apple tree, and they were like, like, picked the apples and they were gonna make, like, apple pies or something.

[Robert Kelly]

An apple tree in Philly?

[Paco]

No, this is in Ohio by my dad's.

[Robert Kelly]

All right.

[Paco]

And, like, they would just give me busy work. So the neighbor wants you to pick the apples off their tree for their. You know, put them in a thing and I will say, picking apples. They made a pie out of these apples. And, like, it was just. Didn't seem right.

[Robert Kelly]

Sour.

[Paco]

No. I don't even know. Just like, the fact when you pick, like, stuff out of a garden, like, I'm picky enough that, like, I'll be a pain in the ass with everything. Like, I'd say 89% of those apples I picked, I would have said are not for use at all. Whether there's some sort of a wormhole or a brown spot or something. Just. You know what I mean? Like, it lives outside. Yuck.

[Robert Kelly]

All food does.

[Paco]

No, I know. I just want a farmer to handle all that part and then get it to me. It's the same thing. I don't want to bring a cow home. And every time then I go home, I'm gonna go cut a steak off this some bitch. I just have to figure out, well, somebody else will do it for me, so just. I'll go buy the tomatoes from the fucking tomato.

[Robert Kelly]

Stir, buddy. If the electricity goes out and there's an apocalypse, you're just gonna call it quits?

[Paco]

Yeah. Give up.

[Robert Kelly]

You're done, buddy.

[Paco]

I'm a quitter. Everything except comedy in my life, I've walked away from completely. Families, jobs, abandoned cars. In my life, I'll just fucking walk away. If no one will ever mention it again, I'll just walk away from it.

[Robert Kelly]

What a great answer. Yeah, I'm just quitting.

[Paco]

I'm a complete quitter.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm done.

[Paco]

It's fucking far fetched that I kept doing comedy. Especially how hard it is at points and not making money. I'm like, can't believe I didn't quit. I think because the alternative was like, well, the job's fun and I want to keep doing this job if I'm eventually ever going to get paid for something, you know, I mean, it wasn't like, yeah, I'm not making money, so let me go back to school. I don't know. I'm just gonna. I'll kill myself before I do that. I hate school. When my daughter says, you want to go to college? I was like, I totally get. I know. It sucks so much, right? Sitting there and they teach you stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

It's the worst father advice ever. Yeah, terrible. I feel the same way, though. If Max is like, I don't want to go to college, I'd be good for you. Don't. Yeah, go do what you want to do. Who gives a shit? Life is too short. Four years and then come out with nothing and then still be the same drool in my basement. And casa de Max, buddy, He had a. He had a date this weekend.

[Paco]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I guess.

[Paco]

Who was he?

[Robert Kelly]

It was James.

[Paco]

Hang on, let me do my. Can't play the camera on that. Edit that together.

[Robert Kelly]

Take out the James part.

[Paco]

Take out the James part.

[Robert Kelly]

Doggy, you got to take that out. Dude.

[Paco]

I think he's leading that direction and you're gonna make him uncomfortable.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude, He. He was so. He was adorable, though. He's. He was very classy. Because I told him he got. I guess he had a girlfriend over the summer. And then he. He said, dude, we gotta go home Saturday. And I'm like, why? He goes, because Sunday my girl's gonna come over and we're gonna hang out and watch movies and get some lunch. I'm gonna take her for lunch.

[Paco]

But I take her for lunch where?

[Robert Kelly]

To the pizza stop. She can walk downtown.

[Paco]

They can walk?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they can walk down.

[Paco]

Gotcha.

[Robert Kelly]

And. And sure enough, she came over and he goes, just, dad, make sure if you're coming down, give me a heads up. Don't just run down the stairs. And I'm like, why? He's like, you know, was she hot? She's cute. She's cute, Bobby. No, she's a cutie, little cute girl. I mean, there. She's a little. She's fucking 12. Yeah, I don't know what that is.

[Paco]

I just wanted you to say a 12 year old was hot.

[Robert Kelly]

No, she's cute. She's a cute girl, but she's really.

[Paco]

Dude, is she like slutty?

[Robert Kelly]

And no, no, no, no, no. He's actually a really good kid. Like, he said some dumb stuff and I can hear going, max, don't do that. And he's like, all right. I mean, she's. She's cool. You know what I mean?

[Paco]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And I went down and they were. They were for what?

[Paco]

Did you tell him to give her the Mario toast?

[Robert Kelly]

I told that he did. He dated. He dated a Nigerian guy for a weekend. Natupi.

[Paco]

No, I'm gonna text Max right now. Hang on.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no.

[Paco]

Take this info as you will. If you push a girl's head.

[Robert Kelly]

No, don't.

[Paco]

Between your legs.

[Robert Kelly]

Don't text. No, stop.

[Paco]

And she.

[Robert Kelly]

Stop.

[Paco]

Goes down on your. How do you spell brajol? Anything. I'm gonna do it. Just write pickle phonetically.

[Robert Kelly]

Just write pickle.

[Paco]

The brajol thing, really? B, R, A, G, I.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a C.

[Paco]

Delete. B, R, A, C, I, O, L, E. Brajol.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Paco]

Knowing that that truck driver is watching. She's a pig. Capital P. Hang on one second. Capital piggs.

[Robert Kelly]

That means I'm gonna have to be in the car driving the car.

[Paco]

Correct. Pig.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not letting this happen.

[Paco]

And she can't be trusted. Dash. Uncle J.

[Robert Kelly]

No, he was very cute. And I said to him, I go, you can't listen. He goes, dad, I'm not gonna do anything. I was like, okay.

[Paco]

And then he sucked his two fingers in front of you. He winked. He goes, dad, I'm not gonna do anything. Just saying. Just saying. Not before you come in. You know what I'm saying?

[Robert Kelly]

I think I went, paco.

[Paco]

So hard, he dropped his book. No one loves 12 year old sex. It's the craziest thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Uncircumcised penis popped out of it.

[Paco]

I know, but in the Phil, I think in the Philippines, that's above board.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it is.

[Paco]

Yeah. So you're fine. You're fine. Paco.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, no, he just. I went downstairs at one point and they were just. He was just cuddling, watching a movie, which was cool to see you, dude. You little dude. Yeah. Just hanging with a girl.

[Paco]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And he. He told me later. He goes, we. I go, do. You didn't do anything. He goes, no, I respect her. I like her. And I was like, all right, cool. Good for you.

[Paco]

Yeah. He goes, dude, she didn't suck your. I was occupying your mom upstairs. You don't want to talk to your mom that long upstairs.

[Robert Kelly]

That's. I do not want to. I don't want to deal with that.

[Paco]

But don't you though?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I don't.

[Paco]

We have to take a break, don't we?

[Robert Kelly]

You have to take a break.

[Paco]

Sorry I was late, dude. Sucks.

[Robert Kelly]

It sucks. But you're here now and you're. You come in. I give you credit, dude. I would have been fucking bullshit.

[Paco]

What are you gonna do? So out of my control. You know, I did genuinely listen to yacht rock the whole way to stay calm. This is literally what I did. I just listened to music that I was like, what are you gonna do? Just sit in traffic? I can't do anything about it. Yep, it's a great.

[Robert Kelly]

That's why I love to smoke.

[Paco]

Robert Kelly is going to be at the Comedy Carlson in Rochester October 10th and 11th. Sometimes going out to visit the old farm where he was beaten and raped.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm going to be actually next weekend. I don't know why Christine is not adding.

[Paco]

She doesn't respect it. You're at the port in Baltimore.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think she likes Baltimore.

[Paco]

She does not like Baltimore. She did not enjoy the wire at all and felt held hostage by it over quarantine.

[Robert Kelly]

I apologize. I'm staying at a haunted hotel. Remember where we did the. Where we did the Ouija, but the seance.

[Paco]

Oh my God. You think that same Dorito loving ghost is gonna be back the port this weekend? Baltimore. That's Friday.

[Robert Kelly]

Next weekend. Next week.

[Paco]

Next week.

[Robert Kelly]

13Th and the 14th.

[Paco]

Friday, Saturday.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, sir.

[Paco]

Then Comedy Carlson October 10th and 11th. After that, Tampa, Emmaus, Pennsylvania and of course New Orleans for Skank Fest for tickets. And all his tour dates go to Punch up Live Robert Kelly and Bobby's new YouTube channel, YouTube.combert kellycomedy with a bunch of of new content going up all the time.

[Robert Kelly]

And Mr. Big J Okerson is going to be at the Laugh Shop In Calgary the 11th through the 13th. In Pittsburgh, improv, September 18th through the 20th, Toronto on the 21st. You're doing two shows.

[Paco]

Two shows, one night.

[Robert Kelly]

Two shows, one night for the Just for Laughs Comedy festival. So get your tickets for that because that's going to sell out. Portland, Columbus for tickets and all the dates.

[Paco]

I should drive to Portland so people.

[Robert Kelly]

Can see what's up bigj comedy.com and look for him on the streets in New York. You hear this song?

[Paco]

Oh, you'll see me coming.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Make sure it's. Make sure the sun is setting, the sunset and Jay comes out, dude, I'm coming down.

[Paco]

Mortal Kombat. Do Mortal Kombat when we come back. Mortal Kombat also I'm doing live streams.

[Robert Kelly]

YouTube.com BigJayAnderson live streams. And his two specials are up there. One of the most entertaining influences out there right now.

[Paco]

Stop it.

[Robert Kelly]

I will not. Okay, look at me. Look at me. You're an influencer. Now that you have those lights.

[Paco]

Now I got those monkey lights. You're right. I am coming down. Dude. I'm like Jack Doherty, that little annoying kid who gets punched by people.

[Robert Kelly]

We'll be right back. It's the bonfire.

[Metro Wireless Advertiser]

Prices keep going up. These days it feels like being on an elevator that only goes up.

[Paco]

Going up.

[Metro Wireless Advertiser]

But not at Metro. We're pushing the down button. Going down, we've lowered prices. Get one line of 5G data for $40, period. That's 20% lower. And you get a free Samsung 5G phone when you bring your number. Only at Metro.

[Announcer]

Five year guarantee on eligible plans exclusion supplies. See website for details. Not available at Metro with T Mobile in the past six months. Tax supplies.

[Robert Kelly]

If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken.

[Paco]

Couldn'T get more golden, think Golder.

[Robert Kelly]

Because new sweet and smoky special edition.

[Paco]

Gold sauce is here. Made for your chicken favorites at participating.

[Robert Kelly]

McDonald's for a limited time.