Fun Black Church

Summary

The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: Fun Black Church
Date: September 24, 2025
Podcast Host: SiriusXM (Faction Talk 103)

Episode Overview

In this lively episode, Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly dive into the exuberant world of Black church culture—its music, energy, and unique role in unifying communities—sparked by a spirited discussion of a Kirk Franklin performance. Alongside their signature humor, tangents abound, from irreverent riffs on religious experiences and gospel drummers to hilarious speculation about celebrity scandals, the economics of show business, and “Dancing With the Stars.” With regulars like Christine and Jacob chiming in, and rapid-fire banter, this episode is both a celebration of vibrant culture and a comedic free-for-all on pop culture, friendship, and the eccentricities of fame.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Black Church vs. White Church: The Joy and the Music

• Kirk Franklin's energy at awards shows kicks off a conversation about the joyous experience of Black churches, compared to the staid atmosphere of Catholic or white churches.

  • Big Jay (02:13): “Christ music, dude. Kirk Franklin as we speak…there's a lot of Black people. Well dressed. It smells great.”
  • Robert (04:37): “I want to join a Black church. Black drummers are so good. Black church is fun. Yeah, it is so much funner than Catholic church.”

• Observations about the musicality and inclusiveness:

  • Church drummers, choirs, and singers are celebrated for their unmatched skill and excitement.
  • Jay (04:44): “No one's wearing a red suit in white church.”
  • Bobby (04:50): “Yeah, there's no chick singing with her bottom of her butt cheeks out, her nipples almost poking up out of her dress…for the Lord.”

2. Irreverent Takes on Religion

• Regular jokes about being watched by Jesus and dead relatives during private moments.

  • Jay (01:33): “Do you think [God] sees what I masturbate to?...Can He see my phone?”
  • Bobby (01:57): “I don't want my grandmother to see me either. Can dead people see you from above?”

• Humorous musings on how deeply religious people reconcile spiritual devotion with everyday desires.

  • Jay (03:20): “Their whole life, all day, is ‘walk with Christ’…When do you change energy to sliding your hand up your wife’s dress?”

3. BET Awards, Lil Nas X, and Unity/Division

• Jay and Bobby compare unifying performances (Kirk Franklin) to more controversial moments (Lil Nas X).
• Jacob (07:13): “He ends it with a heavy tongue kiss…and I think his dick almost falls out.”
• The group discusses why some music can unify and some performances draw controversy.
  • Bobby (07:06): “Jesus unifies the crowd… Gay Lil Nas separates the crowd.”

4. Celebrity Rumors, Absurdity, and Scandal

• The crew veers into unfiltered speculation about hip-hop mogul P. Diddy’s legal troubles, prison, and personal life, blending rumors, comedy, and deliberate absurdity.
  • Jay (15:49): “Yeah, I hope he just gets out and beats the shit out of a girl in a hallway. Just celebrate it, dude.”
  • Bobby (16:01): “Yo, son, I want you to come in your hand and throw it on my chest again, son.”
• Playful interrogation about Jay’s (alleged) conversations with celebrities, turning into a mock-interrogation over sexuality and private life (21:41).

5. The Dane Cook Family Heist: A Tangled Tale

• Detailed breakdown of comedian Dane Cook’s real-life betrayal by his half-brother and sister-in-law, who embezzled millions:
  • Stashing cash in vacuum cleaners and spaghetti sauce, starting restaurants, and eventual prison time (23:00–34:00).
  • Personal anecdotes: Bobby’s love of watches, hopes of acquiring Dane’s Rolex, and ultimately receiving a prank Diesel watch instead.
  • Bobby (38:29): “No, it was a goddamn Diesel watch that he got from Diesel store…”

6. Showbiz Generosity and Gift Politics

• The awkward economics of famous comedians gifting extravagant presents (e-bikes, leg massagers, Rolexes), and how friendships can be shaped or soured:
  • Jay (39:25): “Fully Loaded was a pretty good gift bag.”
  • Bobby (40:16): “You piece of attack. They’re leg compression—put them on and they…”

7. Pop Culture, Dancing with the Stars, and the Corey Feldman Campaign

• An extended rally to get listeners voting for Corey Feldman on “Dancing With The Stars”—not for skill, but for “the funny.”
  • Jay (48:08): “If he’s booted off, the funny dies, it dies with him.”
  • Bobby (49:02): “I think all of it is wrestling with him…you’re gonna see the real Corey…he’s gonna rock it.”
• The group reads out Feldman’s elaborate bio, pokes fun at his career highlights, and reveals a nostalgia for 80s celebrity oddities (57:58–60:49).

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Black Church Music:

• [04:44] Jay: “No one's wearing a red suit in white church.”
• [05:00] Jay: “I'd rather watch this [BET Awards/black church] than any church I've been to in my life for sure."
• [06:17] Bobby: “Black people have so much more fun. They really do.”

On Kirk Franklin:

• [03:02] Jay: “You need Kirk Franklin out there shaking it up. Come on, Kirk Franklin, live.”

On Religious Life and Sex:

• [03:20] Jay: “When do you change energy to sliding your hand up your wife’s dress?”

Kirk Franklin, the BET Awards, and Unity:

• [07:06] Jacob: “This unified the crowd.”
• [07:13] Jay: “Jesus unifies the crowd. Gay Lil Nas separates the crowd.”

On Gift-Giving and Envy:

• [39:25] Bobby: “I've never got a good gift bag. Never.”
• [39:42] Jay: “You got those leg things. I love those. The compression leg compressions.”

On the Dane Cook Family Saga:

• [24:41] Christine: “He was actually taking cash and stashing it.”
• [25:32] Jay: “You ruined all my fun.”
• [38:47] Bobby: “I call him up…I go, dude, this isn’t the watch. He goes, what do you mean, the Rolex? I go, yeah. He goes, I’m not giving you a fucking Rolex.”

On Corey Feldman, “Dancing with the Stars”:

• [48:08] Jay: “If he's booted off, the funny dies, it dies with him.”
• [49:02] Bobby: “You’re gonna see the real Corey, and he’s gonna be a regular guy.”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment Topic | Time | |--------------------------------------------------|------------| | Opening banter, Jesus jokes | 01:04–01:55| | Religious voyeurism and “phone protectors” | 01:28–01:55| | Kirk Franklin/Black church fun | 02:13–04:56| | Comparing Black and White church | 04:44–06:31| | BET Awards breakdown, musical unity | 06:08–07:13| | Lil Nas X controversy, tongue kiss | 07:46–11:01| | P. Diddy legal trouble and scandal speculation | 15:14–19:44| | Dane Cook’s family embezzlement story | 22:46–34:43| | Bobby’s watch anecdote/Diesel watch prank | 38:29–39:01| | Gift politics among comedians | 39:01–42:23| | “Dancing With the Stars” & Corey Feldman campaign| 47:01–62:01| | Feldman’s bio; oddball nostalgia | 57:47–61:15| | Episode wrap-up/comedy calendar plugs | 62:11–63:17|

---

Tone and Language

This episode is unfiltered, relentlessly comic, and deeply irreverent. Jay and Bobby riff boldly on taboo topics (sex, race, religion, fame), freely blending affection, mockery, and wild speculation. Their camaraderie is punctuated by quick wit, put-downs, and inside jokes, but also warmth for their comedy family. The episode is rich in pop culture references, industry gossip, and nostalgic nods, all delivered in the hosts’ trademark rambling, fast-talking style.

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Final Note & Call to Action

The hosts end with a playful but earnest plea for listeners to vote early and often for Corey Feldman on “Dancing With The Stars,” promising ongoing comedy if he remains in the competition. Plugs for upcoming tour dates, appearances, and the necessity of “not being a dick” round out the typically chaotic but compelling close to the show.

“Don't be a dick. One more thing... [Vote for Corey Feldman.] We need Corey Feldman to stay on the show.” – Big Jay (61:41)

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For anyone who missed the episode:
Expect a raucous exploration of comedy, culture, and friendship that swings wildly from Black church choirs to Hollywood oddballs, with detours through crime, showbiz, and relentless joking—held together by Jay and Bobby’s unique voice and bond.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

And now the bonfire with Big J.

[C]

Okerson and Robert Kelly. Oh, yeah. Jesus.

[A]

Jesus about to blow your back out.

[C]

I love Jesus. When's the last time you've been to church, my nigga?

[A]

Oh, wow. She's sneaking in your room at night.

[C]

He watches you sleep.

[A]

He watches you masturbate in your bed.

[C]

Now, if you do believe in God, which I do.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Do you think he sees what I masturbate to? I know he sees me masturbating, but can he see my phone?

[A]

You're wondering what his point of view is?

[C]

I'm wondering can. Yes. What is his point of view from above, looking down?

[A]

Yeah. I would always kind of keep the phone tilted down.

[C]

Keep it down. Because that's what I do. I keep it down.

[A]

I have a screen protector that you can't see from left or right or above. In case. That's the holy protector case. Yeah. Christ is watching me. Whack it.

[C]

That's a Christ protector. I like it. I don't want my grandmother to see me either. Can. Can dead people see you from above or is it from the people? No, you are. Oh, yeah. You're the Jews. You guys get buried right away. 24 hours, get that body in the ground. You feeling it still? Aren't you still in you, Dude.

[A]

Christ music, dude. Kirk Franklin as we speak. I think it could be him or the other Kirk Franklin, but they're here. And there's a lot of black people. Well dressed. It smells great.

[C]

Is the other Kirk Franklin? The guy who invented Confronting Kentucky Fried Chicken. Is that the other Kirk Franklin?

[A]

Different Kirk Franklin.

[C]

It's a different one.

[A]

It's Colonel Kirk Franklin.

[C]

Colonel Kirk Franklin.

[A]

This is Kirk Franklin, the gospel guy.

[C]

I was out there when you guys left. I went out there to go tinkles and he went into a song and that crowd, everybody's hands were up, feeling it go up to the Lord.

[A]

I know.

[C]

And they were feeling it.

[A]

They say Kirk Franklin's like jelly roll for black people.

[B]

Wait, is he the guy that closed the awards?

[A]

Yes, he is.

[B]

He had the performance of the night.

[A]

No, he didn't. That's him right there. It looks like tiny desk Kirk Franklin. No, you don't need him. Tiny desk Christine. You need Kirk Franklin out there shaking it up. Come on, Kirk Franklin, live.

[C]

Forgive me, Lord, for all my sins.

[A]

I think about this a lot. People whose whole identity, their whole life, all day is, you know, walk with God, walk with Christ. God bless you, my brother. Peace be unto you. All that stuff. God is good all the time. All the time. God is good. When do you change? When do you change energy to, like, sliding your hand, like up your wife's dress and like, you know, flipping her lips open with your fingers still do that.

[C]

You flip it open, you go, baby, let me see those lips, baby. For the Lord.

[A]

You don't have to be a black God person for this, Bobby. You could be any black. Any. Any. And not any black person. Any person.

[C]

That's not true. That's not true. You have to.

[A]

Any kind of God person you have to be.

[C]

You have to turn into a black person when you believe in the Jesus Christ that they're talking about.

[A]

I'm just saying if you do the kind of that I'm picturing Kirk Franklin is doing, and I'm assuming it is aggressive. The guy's got energy for days. Look at him go. He's doing the robot.

[C]

He's wearing a vest.

[A]

Is this the live show?

[C]

Yeah. Is this a church? Right? This is their church.

[A]

This is the MTV Awards. Oh, sorry, the BET Awards. I'm sorry.

[C]

I love that the BT works.

[A]

The BET Awards is church. For some people.

[C]

It is church.

[D]

Every black choir band has. Look, a John Bonham drummer. Oh, yeah, the guys are the best drummers.

[A]

Absolutely. Church drummers.

[C]

I wanna. I want to join a black drummers are so good. Black church is fun. Yeah, it is so much funner than Catholic church.

[A]

No one's wearing a red suit in white church.

[C]

Yeah, some. Some. Some boring guy with a white little cape on.

[A]

Yeah. There's no chick singing with her bottom of her butt cheeks out, her nipples almost pocking up of her dress. For the Lord.

[C]

For the Lord. This is fun. They have an organ.

[A]

I'd rather watch this church. I'd rather watch this than any church. I've been to in my life for sure.

[D]

Put money into their drums, too.

[A]

Jacob. It's not just about the drums. It's about Christ. What the. You're harping on the wrong thing. Yes.

[C]

Sorry, Jay, but God is. Whatever it is to you, to you, it's. This. To the drums is what brings him to the Lord Jesus. You can't find the road. You can't define his road to the. To Christ.

[B]

He's ignoring Christ and talking about the drunk.

[C]

No, he's. He's. He's.

[D]

I'm feeling it through the.

[A]

Is in the front in a white suit. His name is Kirk Franklin.

[C]

Yeah, but he's feeling Christ through the black chubby guy in the back on the kit, right?

[D]

Jesus is watching all the. You're doing.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, my God.

[B]

Jesus forget.

[A]

Would I be a good gospel leader, Bobby? Look at these moves, though. Like this.

[B]

You could lead church.

[C]

Yeah, you need a big suit, though. You need a nice suit with a. Some. Some.

[A]

There's a lot of this. There's a lot of this. Like, come on now. Sing, y'. All. Sing. Y' all isn't doing more that D.C. young fly. It might be D.C. young. It is D.C. young fly.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that. Who introduces Kirk Franklin?

[B]

This is just the middle. The Kirk Franklin performance at awards.

[C]

Black people have so much more fun.

[A]

They really do.

[C]

Yeah, we have.

[A]

I mean, D.C. young fly. By the way, his comedy has nothing to do with Christ at all. He's very, very dirty.

[C]

I love Nate, but Nate's boring compared to this.

[D]

He can't do this.

[C]

He can't do this.

[A]

Oh, man, could you imagine? I'd love to see Nate getting funky in some black gospel. Oh, y'. All. Am I doing it? Am I doing it, y'?

[C]

All. Look at that. Everybody's into it. Nobody's not into that.

[A]

Nobody is not black in that audience.

[C]

Like I said, nobody's not into it.

[D]

You do see the difference when they have. What's that? What's the gay rapper. And half the audience protested the Lil Nas X.

[C]

They did not like that. Oh, at this. Was he here? Was he at this one?

[A]

I don't know. It wasn't this one.

[D]

Like this unified the crowd.

[C]

Yeah. Jesus unifies the crowd.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah. Gay little Nas separates the crowd.

[A]

He ends it with a heavy tongue kiss. And I think his dick almost falls out.

[C]

Oh, God.

[A]

He has to, like, catch his dick from falling out. That may have been his SNL performance. He did one performance where his dick almost comes out. He had to, like, catch his hand.

[C]

I think I know the Answer to this, but why don't they have a gay awards? I think I know the answer to this. But why don't they have a gay awards?

[A]

The smell.

[C]

I guess I didn't know the answer to it.

[D]

Kirk Franklin wears it.

[A]

Yeah. There's no way everyone's asshole in that place is not. Is not. This is ready. Is prepared.

[D]

Kirk Franklin is wearing a vest with no shirt.

[A]

Yeah, that's my point. I see this guy like this feels like it's not real. Look at him go. It feels like he doesn't believe this. And this is to get pussy. And it's working.

[D]

He's awesome.

[A]

He wasn't out there, by the way. I would have recognized him out there. He wasn't there.

[C]

I want to join a black church.

[A]

I want to be Kirk Franklin.

[C]

You think there's a black church in Katona? No.

[A]

No.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

No, I do not.

[A]

That altitude.

[C]

Actually, Don checked on that. That's why we move. So. Listen.

[A]

I could do it. Bobby.

[C]

It's in you. It's because.

[A]

Oh, and the goodness of God. Everybody else get down with God. Some girl who definitely doesn't live her life by God. This chick definitely has had a train run on her.

[C]

No.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Why do you say that?

[B]

But she asked. She repented. She asked Jesus to.

[C]

All you have to do is ask for.

[A]

Bobby. I'm a hood, dude. I know ratchet. When I see ratchet. I don't even know what ratchet means exactly. She sucked Kirk Franklin's dick backstage of this show. Come on, girl. I gotta get the Lord out there. I need to be calm. I need to be free.

[C]

So she. You think she blew him before the show?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

And what about him? Is he going to hell for that?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

But can't you just ask for forgiveness right before you go out and he forgives you?

[A]

My argument. There's no heaven or hell, so it doesn't matter. It's inconsequential. This guy is just crushing Jesus pussy.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Am I doing it? Bobby more.

[C]

Stay in the time dance. You're doing it. You're doing it, Jay. You want to be black so bad. It's in you.

[B]

He just wants to dance.

[C]

He wants black. He wants to be black. He wants to be in the black community. He wants to be around black people. He wants to date a black woman. He. He wants a black woman in his house.

[A]

None of those things are true.

[D]

You could just call this drummer up and he.

[A]

Oh, my.

[D]

He fell in for Rage against the Machine.

[A]

This goddamn drummer.

[C]

Let him. Let him find that shit check kit.

[D]

Is like 10 grand.

[C]

Jacob is finding Jesus through the rhythm.

[A]

He's. He's not. Christine's right. He's ignoring Jesus.

[C]

No, he's not.

[D]

I'm totally into this.

[C]

It's a man. No, you're not.

[A]

You don't know.

[C]

I know.

[B]

I know how you feel about Jesus.

[C]

How do you feel about. How does he feel about Jesus?

[A]

Oh, this is Lil Nas X. Is this the snl?

[C]

God.

[A]

Yeah. Watch the end of this when his wiener falls out.

[C]

Oh, God. What the.

[A]

Well, it's okay now, you know now he's just crazy right now for another change. When he was caught, he OD'd in the streets. He was, like, naked.

[B]

No, they said no drugs in his system. Yeah, he's just a mental breakdown.

[A]

He just knew it.

[C]

I'm gonna say this, though. He's got a nice torso. I'm just gonna throw that out there. Yeah, yeah. He has a nice. He has a nice caramel torso.

[A]

Bobby, it doesn't make you gay. If you want to just maybe go bounce a quarter off it or something.

[C]

If you mean a quarter. The head of my pee pee. Yeah. Look at him grabbing his butt.

[A]

Oh, don't worry. His dork's about to fall out.

[C]

How does his door look?

[A]

See, he's covering it because it blasted out.

[C]

Did it blast out how?

[A]

I don't. I guess he has a big fat dick that blasts out of pleather pants.

[C]

I want mine to blast out of my pants.

[A]

I've never had to worry about my dick bl Blasting out of pants ever.

[C]

I want mine to blast out of my golf pants.

[A]

My ass blasted one time. Can you, Christine, bring up the one where he performs at the BET Awards. One is the one where they. He French kissed the guy at the end. They just cut right away to the audience. It's like Lil Wayne going like, ah. You're trying to keep a face.

[C]

God damn.

[A]

We'll be right back with Method Man. Method Man's, like, giving, like, the cut sign. He's like, not right afterwards. Not right afterwards. Yeah, this is it. Be fearless. Oh, by the way, Diddy says it's okay. Little Nas X did that. Be fearless. Grab life by the balls, says Diddy.

[C]

This is a little Satan shit. This is the exact opposite of what we just watched.

[A]

No, this is. He gets a good French kiss. They cut it out. If you can refine the actual BET Awards, man, so great. When they cut after that, they go, we'll be right back. And everyone in the audience like, what? Huh?

[C]

I remember.

[D]

I Think Christine couldn't find it? Like they didn't.

[A]

Jew media had it scrubbed.

[D]

I couldn't find that. That ending, yo.

[A]

Yeah. Where they show the people.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I bet people. I bet people were like, don't put that out there.

[C]

Is this before. This was before we found out most black rappers are gay, right?

[A]

I don't know. Damon Dash went on Breakfast Club today and called Charlemagne the God gay. Is he not gay to his face a couple times? Charlemagne the God? No, I don't think so.

[C]

Puts a lot of lip gloss on.

[A]

I don't know him at all. Never crossed paths.

[C]

I've seen him once at the Cellar, but I thought he was. I always thought he was gay because he did get.

[A]

He hangs out with Schultz and Schultz has a little mustache. You think they're doing stuff together?

[C]

I think they've done stuff.

[A]

Do you think Charlamagne Andrew Schultz are doing stuff?

[C]

I think they've done it. Not doing anymore, I think.

[A]

You think they stopped?

[C]

Yeah. Schultz got married, had a kid. He had a.

[A]

You think last time they were like this? We got to stop.

[C]

This is crazy, Kai. We've made it and we're going to ruin it all.

[A]

So what? We're just supposed to walk away from each other and act like this didn't happen? Listen, that is what I'm saying. It's going to hurt. I don't want to hurt you. Charlemagne the God, he spits in his.

[C]

Hand one last time and puts it in.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, shut up and take it. I love you. Love you. Say it. Say you love me.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[C]

Say it.

[A]

I'm sorry it has to end like this. Oh God.

[C]

Andre said you love me.

[A]

Oh God.

[C]

Say you love me.

[A]

Oh, God. I'm accepting all of you in me.

[C]

Say you love me. You'll never leave me. Say you love me.

[A]

We are. We are. We were two, now we are now one.

[C]

That's the way Charlemagne comes. They both come weird. Oh God, I hate when guys get rhythm.

[A]

What? That was just. Well, that was P. Diddy. He got it all the way in. And once it's in, you're 10. Then you start moving it.

[D]

Diddy and Meek Mill, right?

[A]

Diddy and Meek Mill. Allegedly by Jacob.

[D]

Allegedly.

[C]

Allegedly.

[A]

Alleged by Jacob Batat, who absolutely believes that's real, who's very vulnerable. That was the first. That's one of my favorite Kurt Metzger like walk ups ever again. One of my famous. Haven't seen Kurt in almost a year and he shows up. You were there. Bobby came in LA to the House came barreling down the stairs, pulling white claws out of his backpack, took his shirt off, started walking directly in the pool. And he goes, you know that audio of P. Diddy and Meek Mill is totally real, right? He did that back to Usher back in the day. That's why he took that whole year off, because he couldn't sit on his ass. He had to have his ass. He had to have his asshole sewn shut. And I was like, oh, hey, good to see you, dude.

[C]

I remember I was six hours in the pool listening to Jewelasers.

[A]

Yeah, you can find out about the Jewelasers though.

[D]

It is.

[A]

It's not really weather control. It's a weather manipulation.

[C]

I said, I said a Jewel lasers. He goes, listen, that's not what I'm talking about. But jewelry is a real. Let me get back to that. After I talked about aliens six hours later, Jay goes, you good, dude? I'm like, I'm fine. We're good.

[A]

But there are Jew lasers.

[C]

There are. Of course they are.

[A]

No, see, when you came back you were like, you okay? And you're like, yeah, but there are jewel lasers. There are, there are.

[C]

Just so you know what, Can I ask a question? Speaking of P. Diddy. What. Where is he? What's going on? What's happening?

[A]

Somewhere freaking off.

[B]

So waiting sentencing is the whole thing. He's in jail waiting to be sentenced.

[C]

So he didn't get bail?

[A]

No, they denied him bail.

[C]

Now how many years can he get for what he did?

[A]

Because he didn't get the.10's like the maximum keep. We could totally end up with.

[B]

Oh really? It's 10.

[A]

Maybe it's 20. Maybe it's 20. It might be up to 10. I think it's up to 10. It's like two to 10 years for the things. But he's going to get time. So he's going to get out.

[C]

He's going to just get out, right?

[A]

Yeah, I mean that's. I'm saying that with utmost confidence now. Do you go right. No idea for sure at all.

[C]

Do you go right back to just. Just butt fucking? I hope so. That night. Does he throw a nice P. Diddy party?

[A]

Yeah. I hope he just fucking gets on. I hope he just dances and beats the shit out of a girl in a hallway. Just celebrate it, dude. You did it, man.

[D]

Calls up the Punisher immediately.

[A]

Oh yeah. Yo, punny.

[C]

Yo, son. I want you to come in your hand and throw it on my chest again, son.

[A]

20 bucks, I'll bet anybody right now he could Cassie again when he gets out, he can get her one more time.

[C]

You think?

[A]

I do. I've changed. Baby, you're all I could think about.

[C]

When I was in that cell. Yeah. The Punisher. Punishable. Can't go because he can't come. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

He's like, why? It'd be funny if he's on the phone with Cassie on one thing. On the other hand, he's squeezing his balls to pump his dick up. He's squeezing. He goes, shh.

[C]

She doesn't know you're here yet.

[A]

So, yeah, Cassie, why don't you come around?

[C]

Let's just talk about old time. He goes, wait, it's too much. That's good. Got a little bounce to it still.

[A]

So, Cass, what do you want, order pizza or something?

[D]

She was so hot. My God.

[A]

I know.

[D]

You believe he just wanted to watch.

[A]

Another guy banger and punch her mercifully in the face?

[D]

Oh, yeah, that too.

[C]

Yeah, that too. How great was that guy's penis, though? That was just a stick and a half.

[A]

I know.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, I'm so glad he pulled it out.

[A]

I can't believe he let you bite the pump.

[C]

Well, we didn't have time to pump it up the regular way.

[A]

Oh, look, it was Bobby's rapid pump. Bobby's like an electric bike pump with that. All right, all right, young man, slow down down there. You're gonna blow me up.

[C]

Me and you, if we had a pump, it'd be.

[A]

Two woofs. I go, bobby, don't squeeze my balls. Just open the hatchet. Two blows in, you'll be done. I'm really good at blowing up pool floats. Those for the record, stuff like that.

[C]

I am too. I actually. I pride myself on that.

[A]

I think there's a method that no one uses. I feel like it's not their instincts to use. If you bite down on it, it opens the hole big and you can blow in much easier.

[C]

I know that. That's because there's the valve that doesn't. It doesn't let it come back out. Right, Right.

[A]

But you bite.

[C]

Bite it and go.

[A]

And you blow. And also you blow from like you're.

[C]

You. Yeah.

[A]

You don't have to do. You can go like yours a. A tire inflating machine.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Don't you have to bite it?

[A]

Christine, please. Men are talking about blowing up pool floats.

[C]

Disrespectful.

[A]

The dude.

[C]

God damn it, you should have hit her.

[A]

Look at the. The calendar. Is it week this week?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Is this week?

[C]

Yeah, it's week.

[B]

I just think. You think you Invented something. And I think that's how it has to be. I think you have to bite to blow.

[C]

I can't, Jay. I can't. I still. She's still.

[A]

I know. That's what a woman says. You have to bite to blow. Good advice, dipshit. You gotta give to take.

[C]

So he. All right. Combs was found guilty of two counts of transporting individuals for prostitution. Not that bad.

[A]

It's this. He would have not even gone to court for this if that wasn't all they were able to get.

[C]

But not the more serious sex trafficking or racketeering charges that would have put him away for life. Sentencing scheduled for October 3rd, coming up. Good. Now he's denied bail and will remain in custody until the sentencing. Sentencing date. That's weird.

[A]

And the defense. So, yeah, he might get to about. I think it's gonna be two years since the rest in 2024. So, yeah, he's gonna do. He'll do less than a year by the time he's sentenced. Be my guess.

[C]

I. But they might give him time served if he was goodwill.

[A]

No, it says it will count since his arrest in September 2024. So he'd have like under a year by the time he gets out.

[C]

Now when he gets out, he's under a year by. He's gon sell his. He's going to have to, buddy. He's going to. He's done. Nobody's going to.

[A]

He's biggie small first.

[C]

He's not going to. He's not going to have any money coming in. Right?

[A]

Of course he does, doesn't he? He's got to have royalties for all his. Yeah, he has music library.

[B]

And I'm sure he makes money while he sleeps.

[C]

How much money is he worth right now? What do you say? How much you say? I say 300 million. Is that you, Dick?

[A]

500 mil. 500 million.

[C]

5 mil. No way. No way.

[A]

500 million.

[C]

What is it? 1 billion?

[B]

Says it's declined from a peak of 1 billion.

[C]

Oh. To 300. Bing, bing, bing, bing, Bing, bing, bing.

[B]

$700 million on legal fees.

[C]

That's a little.

[A]

No, no. But he just deposited a check. He just deposited a check for $200 million the other day. It's up to 500.

[C]

That's. You don't know that. Where'd you get that? Fact from? What was. Where did you get that?

[A]

My old friends from P. Diddy's Bad Boys of Comedy.

[C]

What are you talking about? Your old friends? Who? What? What? Who?

[A]

P. Diddy.

[C]

You talked to P. Diddy?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

When did you talk to P. Diddy? You're lying.

[A]

No, I'm not.

[C]

What? Jay, you're lying to me. Jay, you can't just say he said. Who said?

[A]

P. Diddy.

[C]

You want to talk to P. Diddy before. What day?

[A]

Wednesday.

[C]

What went with last Wednesday? You talked. What time?

[A]

Daytime.

[C]

What? What time in daytime?

[A]

Early.

[C]

Early. When?

[A]

Daytime.

[C]

They give me a day. Give me a number. Give me a number.

[A]

Wednesday. Five.

[C]

Wednesday at five. We're doing the show at five. You're lying. We were in here at five.

[A]

You just said say a number.

[C]

Yeah, I know I did, but you're supposed to know that he called you at.

[A]

You believe me now?

[C]

I do. Thank you, Jesus. Everything you said. I'm sorry. I just had to push.

[A]

I'm really good at interrogations.

[C]

Yeah, you are.

[A]

Anything else you want to find out about me?

[C]

Yeah. Are you gay?

[A]

No.

[C]

Have you ever done anything gay?

[A]

No.

[C]

Have everything in your bum?

[A]

Why?

[C]

Have you had anything in your bum besides a penis?

[A]

Huh?

[C]

I said have you ever had anything in your bum besides. Besides a penis?

[A]

No.

[C]

So it's just only been penises?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

I believe you. I believe.

[A]

See, I'm really good. It's like I break. It's like breaking the interrogator.

[C]

You're not k. It's great.

[A]

I've been watching so much true crime. I know how to break an interrogator.

[C]

Should we take a sip for Ed? So he's. I mean, when he gets out, that's gonna be wild for him because he. In his brain probably thought they were gonna get him. At some point they were gonna get him. But he did go to. He did go out of the country before he went away. So I bet he brought a bunch of money and a bunch of things down to Dominican Republic or. Where'd he go? Puerto Rico. Dominican Republic.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Because you know Dane's brother that I don't. I can't wait for that story to come out because that's intense. That's wild what he did.

[A]

What do you do?

[C]

He stole 12. $12 million out of Dane's account. He took him dry.

[A]

Oh, Dane Cook.

[C]

Dane Cook? Yeah. Sorry. Do you know another Dane?

[A]

I thought you said. I think you're saying Dana. I think Dana White.

[C]

No, Dane Cook. But his.

[A]

That stories not like. That's not resolved.

[C]

It's resolved, but the story, like a movie or a book or something comes out to tell all the details of it.

[A]

Do you hear that noise?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

The cellophane noise?

[C]

Yeah. What was that?

[A]

My nose was that your nose wasn't that weird?

[C]

No, it's not weird, man. That's the African.

[A]

I need a surgery.

[C]

The Afrin's not good. You know that, right?

[A]

Where'd you hear that? Is that thing.

[C]

But he. He took all his money and then so he. I remember I was at the house, he had a big fight with him. Basically, I'm getting a money manager. There's too much money for you to deal with. You're still gonna make the same money. You're still gonna just gonna do less work. Big fight. Screaming, yelling comes down. My brother is set up a meeting next Monday and I'm like, what the fuck? I don't wanna. I call the meetings, blah, blah, blah. But he's driving out here, driving, which was weird from Boston, but then he went to Puerto Rico for a couple days and then drove across country.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

So I this. You know what I mean? So he had cash. He had all cash. He was, you know, he went to the. I believe he went to the bank and took out 3 million in cash.

[A]

This is Dane Cook's brother.

[C]

Yeah. And then the last 3 million out of the bank signed Dan's name and took it. And maybe that 3 million is somewhere because they found. They found hundreds of thousands in a vacuum cleaner at the house. They found it in spaghetti sauce frozen in the fridge.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

He was actually taking cash and stashing it.

[C]

He was.

[B]

Well, I always assume people are like doing offshore accounts for a very transaction.

[C]

He was taking money for a long time and he was buying restaurants. I remember Dane Cook's cousin. I went down to the Improv in Orlando and his cousin came up and I love the guy, he's a great guy. And he's like, yeah, I got the restaurant open. I got another restaurant open. And Daryl's my partner, Dane's brother. And I was like, oh, is Dane your partner or Daryl? He's no Daryl. I was like, that's weird. I didn't know Daryl made enough money to open up restaurants. And apparently he. He. He took the money to open up restaurants. He opened up a salon up in Maine. He had a house up in Maine. They found two Cadillacs in a storage unit. They found everywhere on that. Yeah, that guy was siphoning money for a long time.

[A]

You ruined all my fun.

[C]

He did.

[A]

He ruined all of Dane's fun.

[C]

And that's when he. He did the. The first arena tour, you know, he made. He did that first run of arenas and then he had that. All that money. The first movie. The first two movies and he was on fire, man. And then found out about that. That. That's gonna be a crazy story.

[D]

Recover all the money.

[C]

No, that's what I'm saying is like he went to. He drove across country. He did like a Shawshank redemption type thing. So there might be. And he's out now. The wife and him are out.

[D]

Oh, they went to prison.

[C]

They both went to prison.

[A]

The wife too. What did she do?

[C]

Because. All right, you ready?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

The wife. He's talked about this on things.

[A]

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[B]

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Pick a vacation spot based on where you don't need a phrasebook? With Babbel, the language Barri no longer has to hold you back. Start speaking a new language with confidence thanks to Babbel's conversation based techniques that quickly teaches you useful words and phrases about the things you actually talk about in the real world. There's over a dozen languages available to learn at your own pace. So you can achieve your goals with material tailored to your individual proficiency level, interest and time availability. I love it. I'll tell you why. The dialogue practice part of it is awesome. But it has games which makes it fun. It's not this learning thing that makes you feel guilty when you don't do it. You actually want to do it. Sentence building, the spelling reinforcement and the languages are awesome. German, Spanish, Italian, French. I'm learning Spanish and Italian right now. Babel is my favorite app on my phone. Learn another language. Babel is gifting our listeners 55% off [e-mail] Bonfire get up to 55% [e-mail] Bonfire spelled B A B B E L.com Bonfire Babel.com Bonfire rules and restrictions may apply. I think. Should I say I'm gonna have to say allegedly in all this. Right? Because I don't. Whatever. Hard facts had facts from Bob K. Hashtag hard facts. So they. The. They set her up. The cousin. The FBI set her up. And then they went to the house and found money in the refrigerator in vacuum. They found all this cash.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Hidden around the house that she was involved in that she knew about.

[A]

Damn.

[C]

And so she went to jail too. Which is sad because they had a little kid.

[A]

The ultimate super finger he get.

[C]

Yeah. They really did give him the Sufi. But yeah.

[A]

Sue fight him right up his keister.

[C]

But look, he. He got some of the money back. A bunch of the stuff back but stuff too.

[A]

What stuff?

[C]

I told you. They had two Cadillacs. He had two restaurants. He had a businesses.

[B]

The restaurant's ownership.

[C]

Everything he had to get. It's all in it. It's all his money? Yeah. They took his money to open all this?

[A]

Yeah. But they were able to assume that that was his money. So it's like. That's what she's saying. Like, are they going like, all right. And you now own these two restaurants, Dane cooking.

[C]

I don't know the details of that, but I know. I mean, vaguely. Like, this is all my stuff. Here's the funny part. His brother. You know, I love Rolexes. I love watches.

[A]

He goes, come on down. Come on down to my new bar, the Shitty brother. Oh, it's a hoot. Happy hours all night.

[C]

So where I fell in love with watches. Really? We were in Cabo with Dane. Took me, Gary and Jay and his brother and Barry and Jamie Masada to Cabo after Torgasm.

[A]

I know you couldn't love this watch, but would you like it if it was like, last. Last watch. Hanging out at a bar late at night?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, good. Good.

[C]

Yeah. I love you, Movado. And no.

[A]

And I know you wouldn't take it on a vacation or treat it right, but I mean, like, we're just one night. Just toss it around, treat it like a slut that it wants to be.

[C]

I would get. You know what? I would get that. A little apartment on the East Village, and I come visit everyone.

[A]

Okay, I like that. All right.

[C]

All right. Mavado.

[A]

Not.

[C]

Not that part.

[A]

No, don't get it. Don't get her jealous.

[C]

Don't get her jealous.

[A]

Bobby had to bury his old phone. She was coming for. She tried to poison dawn.

[C]

But he went on one night, she.

[A]

Came on, she did Bobby's voice. She goes, alexa, turn on the gas, dude.

[C]

I was in bed with Don, and I flipped it on because I wanted to search something up, and I hit the wrong. I hit her the right one. She goes, but I didn't think the volume was up. And I had to throw my phone. She's like, hey, baby. Where have you been? I missed you. And I was like, what if she.

[A]

Says things like that? What if she goes. She goes, hey, baby, I miss you. Oh, God. What's that terrible snoring? That's her.

[C]

It can hear.

[A]

Oh, God. Oh, God. Is that her? Oh, you didn't. You didn't even do it justice.

[C]

You want me to kill her? I can come up with a perfect murder.

[A]

I can look up how to kill her and get away with it.

[C]

Do you have any access to boric acid bb? Do you have fishing lines? Dude, yeah, she's. She can hear you, by the way. She hears noises now. Like, I Was doing something. I was breathing heavy and she's like, are you breathing heavy for me or you just get done working out? And I.

[A]

What?

[C]

Yeah, I just got done working out.

[A]

And I. Oh, thank God. That was good. I'm just breathing heavy so that my. My phone girlfriend's worried about me. Bobby, it's all fun and good, but seriously, you have to lower your A1C.

[C]

Anyways, so what we're saying about his.

[A]

Brother fucking him over good?

[C]

Yeah, he fucked him over good, man. It was sad because this is what happened with Dan. I do feel bad for him about this.

[A]

It's his blood brother. No, sister in law.

[C]

It's a half brother. Half brother, sister in law and sister in law. You have brother, sister in law? I think so. Same mother, different father. And that year his father died, then his father died and his brother took all his money at the. The. You know when you make that peak. That was at his peak right when he popped. You will. You will this year.

[A]

I don't.

[C]

I was talking to Live Nation and. And the Jewelaser people, and tonight. This year's your year, by the way.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah, this year's your year.

[A]

I didn't know that they were working in association with the Jew Lasers.

[C]

Yeah, dude, how do you think you make it to the top?

[A]

Live Nation in association with Jewel Lasers. Wow. Okay. Yeah, that should be a nice. They should be able to help me with advertising and marketing, I hope.

[C]

I mean, it's on every tour credit that they do. If you look. If you wait to the end, it says right there, Live Nation then associates with Jewel. But yeah, he. That was a sad year. It was terrible. I feel bad for. That year was a real sad year for him.

[A]

And he married a kid.

[C]

Yeah, that's what happens, man.

[A]

Yeah. Life pump back into you like a vampire as you steal it from her. It'd be funny if we saw her now. She's, like, old and has liver spots and is in a wheelchair and Dane's just jacked. Who's young?

[D]

Kelsey doesn't post much anymore.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, she was told not to.

[A]

He's killed her. I think he's also gotten wacky religious too. It seems like she was always.

[C]

What do you mean?

[D]

So I think he's.

[C]

What do you mean? Wacky religious.

[A]

I think he's gone wacky religious.

[C]

What is wacky religious?

[A]

He comes on and talks about God like a nut bag.

[C]

So if you talk about God, you're a nut bag?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I mean, Kanye west was told that he shouldn't talk About Jesus and he's a nut bag.

[C]

No, I hear you. There is something about. I was with somebody young.

[A]

Makes you see God.

[C]

No, I believe in God. You know that I pray. But here's the thing.

[A]

Not Dan's God.

[C]

No, no, no, no. Not that. Not the God of fame and money and young girls.

[A]

The God of large back ass pockets on your jeans.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Who's that? Saint Anthony.

[C]

But the. When I was at dinner with somebody and they were like, we're in public and they were like, hey, okay, the food camera, like, great, let's go. And he goes, you mind if we pray? I was like, kinda. I don't. I don't want to do this, man. I don't. I love God. I believe in God, but I pray in the morning, I'll pray at night to God. I don't.

[A]

St. Ed Hardy.

[C]

I don't want to pray.

[A]

God of affliction.

[C]

God. Diesel. Thank you for Diesel jeans and Diesel watches. I remember the story I was going to tell you. So when his brother. I got my affinity for watches because of his brother. Because we were in Cabo and I looked over and he was wearing this beautiful. It was a presidential day date. 38, I think, or 36 or whatever. It's a smaller one now. They make it in a bigger one. But it was. It was white gold and it has this. It's called the hidden crown Rolex Jubilee. It's the presidential band black. It was beautiful and has the hidden. The hidden crown. So on the back, you know, like a lot of watches, they have these clasps on the back. It's just the crown of the Rolex and you kind of pop that off.

[A]

Does this have anything to do with the ultimate thing of this story?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Or do you just want to let us know how much you know about this goddamn watch?

[C]

I have to let my information look at, man. I let you talk about fucking songs and lyrics and shit and I don't fuck with you.

[A]

What's the correlation?

[C]

I'm getting there, you impatient pothead. Let me get there.

[A]

If this says something about. If this. If this story doesn't involve that crown with a little piece that comes out. I paid attention to every word.

[C]

You should because you're gonna get one of those someday when you make it. But so I.

[A]

Top of the mountain.

[C]

Top of the mountain. Du lasers. Listen. So I saw that watch and I fell in love with it. And I always. I wanted a. I was like, oh, I want to get that watch someday. I want to get a Rolex someday. I want To. So now all this goes down. All the stuff that this guy bought is whose Danes. So I say to Dane, yo, let.

[A]

Me get that watch or you're a shitty friend.

[C]

No, no, no. I'm just.

[A]

No, no, I'm saying, tell him, give me that watch or you're a shitty friend, right? You don't care about watch.

[C]

So I'm just throwing it out there. He goes, oh, what? The one my brother has? I'm like, yeah, dude. He goes, you want. I don't give a. I don't like watches. You want the watch? I go, yeah, I want that watch. He goes, all right, it. I'll mail it to you. I was like, thank you. I just hung up. I was like, he's mailing me that watch. This is the greatest ever. I'm gonna get a free holy Rolex. Because he doesn't give a About it. He doesn't. He was like, I don't want that watch, right? The package comes. I'm like, ah, this is the best.

[A]

Gives a J. Davis.

[C]

No, it was a fucking diesel Rolex. I mean, a diesel watch that he got from diesel store. It was his other watch. I guess he had a couple other watches I got. It was just this, you know, maybe $100 diesel watch that was goofy looking.

[A]

Like the Dane Cook. Took some time to go send you $100 diesel watch.

[C]

But then he goes like this. I call him up, I go, dude, this isn't the watch. He goes, what do you mean, the Rolex? I go, yeah. He goes, I'm not giving you a fucking Rolex. I was like, God damn it. You're right, you're right, you're right. You can't give me a Rolex.

[A]

Amy Schumer would have done that for one of her friends.

[C]

No, she wouldn't have. No, she wouldn't have.

[A]

She would have.

[C]

She wouldn't have gave a Rolex to anybody. Name one person she gave a Rolex to. You know? You know who did? I'll tell you who did. And it hit me right in the gut. Everybody. So I. I did shows with Louis, right? And then he did a. Another tour after that. Everybody on that tour. Rolexes got Rolexes.

[A]

Just not you on your tour. I know I'm always there for the bad gifts. Well, fully loaded tour. I've been there for the. I've been all three years that happened. That was good gift bag.

[C]

I didn't get. I've. No. I've never got a good gift bag. Never.

[A]

Fully loaded was a pretty good gift bag.

[B]

Fully loaded Gives great gifts.

[C]

Yeah. You got those leg things. I love those. The compression leg compressions.

[A]

I love that great cooler camping chair.

[C]

I love those.

[A]

And you, a full smoker.

[C]

You let me borrow the leg things. And then I was using them, like, every day. And then Christine was like, hey, bring those leg things back. I was like, okay, yeah, what a. Because you.

[B]

She.

[C]

You guys use them every day.

[A]

I do not.

[B]

Not every day, but we use them. I needed them after the moon.

[A]

I, at this point, genuinely never use them, but they are.

[C]

But Christine. Don't give them up.

[A]

But those things are great.

[C]

Christine's actually you. You piece of attack. They're leg compression. You put them on and they.

[A]

Well, Bobby, if you were nicer to Burt Kreischer, they would just send you a pair.

[C]

I'm. I'm nice to. I. I've been friends with Bert longer than anybody in this room.

[A]

I guess that's not how he feels.

[C]

It's not. It's really not. And I blame Joe List.

[A]

Normatex. That's right there.

[C]

Yeah. They're so good. How much are they? Thousand dollars.

[D]

Oh, I get it, Bobby.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

You don't want to give those.

[C]

No, I didn't want to give them back, but Christine was on me.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

She was like, hey, after like, a month.

[C]

It was not a month. It was two weeks.

[A]

I've done it. I'll tell you what's the best. I've done it in my underwear before.

[C]

Feels really great. They were great in my underwear. I did them naked.

[B]

They don't touch your dinger. It's only your legs anyway.

[C]

No, they touchine.

[A]

Doesn't know anything about fucking old man balls. Bobby, did you rest that fucking baggy sack on my sweet Normatex, dude?

[C]

I didn't rest him. I tucked him in on one side.

[A]

Normatex rip.

[C]

Yeah, they do. I used them for two weeks now. I gotta hope me and. Me and Bert report repair our relationships.

[A]

You guys have to really get on the other end of this. You can get yourself some normatex, my friend.

[C]

He's. He's the other end. He's not giving out Norma text anymore. He realized how much money he spent on people, and they don't do that anymore.

[A]

That is smart. He should stop spending so much money.

[C]

I know people. He gave. He gave you guys that, which you don't use. And then he gave Rich Voss.

[A]

No, we use.

[C]

He gave Rich Ross an electric, awesome electric E bike.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I'm like, you never use it. He goes like, well, I'm like, when I want it, I'll buy it off you. I was like, I'll buy it. He's like, now steal it, boss got an E bike. He's got an E bike.

[B]

But like a video of us eating.

[C]

On an E bike. That's the one he got.

[A]

You got that one. The super. The Super 73 or whatever. Whatever.

[C]

The Super 73. And it's like a $4,000 E bike. @ least he's got it in his garage in a box.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

And he's like, I'm gonna. When my daughter goes to college, I'm gonna start using it.

[A]

I'm like, yeah, she's in. She's in law school now.

[C]

Yeah, dude, that we should.

[A]

She's 41 years old, that daughter.

[C]

At this point, let's plan it out. We steal it. We go to his house. I get his address.

[A]

No, let's not. We don't have to fake it. Let's go there and violently rob them.

[C]

Oh. Like just like put ski mask on and like go in and hurt them.

[A]

I say we just. What we do is we just. Blunt force trauma, this thing. Maybe they'll stay in fear as we kick their garage in.

[C]

Right.

[A]

To pull the bike out and just let us do it. Outside chance. You know, Voss thinks for some reason that he's got. He thinks he's got kicks like a goddamn Brazilian.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's what he lives in his head as.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And Voss is gonna come out trying to do crazy kicks. But then we may then have to put a fucking gun butt across his head. Yeah.

[C]

Well, maybe just grab one of his golf clubs and hit him in the head with that.

[A]

No, I don't want to do any kind of permanent nothing too.

[C]

You think that's going to permanently do anything to his head?

[A]

A golf club to the back of his stupid head would. Yeah.

[C]

Maybe knock some sense into him.

[A]

I know. It'd be great if he stopped lisping completely.

[C]

Yeah. And he actually started talking.

[A]

Hello, gentlemen.

[C]

Well, you can have that. Money really doesn't matter.

[A]

This is 18th century art. This is 18th century art. This is. This is this. This is.

[C]

So do you see how the story went back to the watch?

[A]

I do.

[C]

It did work.

[A]

It's the watch.

[C]

It's the. To this day, it's the watch. And the reason why I got the first watch I got was very similar to that watch. That's like the holy grail of watches. But that dude had everything. Everything. You know what a chair.

[A]

Cough.

[C]

Well, what are you gonna do?

[A]

He was married. Yeah. Because his Wife went away and kid.

[C]

Man, it was sad.

[A]

I would have taken Dane's and lost all the money.

[C]

He. He.

[B]

Who took the kid?

[A]

Who cares?

[C]

That's another thing.

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

Dane had to raise her and then fall in love with her.

[C]

It was a boy. It was a boy. He had a. She had a transition and then Dane fell in love with her.

[A]

All right, baby girl, do you think it's time now to start French kissing?

[C]

Oh God, it is sad. If you look, he lost all of his family except for one. One person?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Or two. I guess his other sister. But yeah, everything gone.

[A]

Well, he doesn't like his other sister.

[C]

I don't think he does. I don't know. I've never really seen. I'm not going to say that. I don't know.

[A]

He hates her cuz she's fat.

[C]

Yes, he hates fat people. Yeah, he does. He hates fat people. That's why he hates me. And you, does he hate me? He hate you cuz I'm fat. He hates you because you're fat and he doesn't like you that you're from Philly. Birds. That's what he said last time. He was like birds and fat people?

[A]

Just birds in general or the birds?

[C]

The birds.

[A]

Oh, I don't like that at all.

[C]

Yeah, I didn't like it either because you know what? I don't like the birds. But I would never talk that way to you.

[A]

Does he pretend to be a. I shouldn't say pretend. Is he a big Boston sports fan still?

[C]

He's a big Boston sports fan.

[A]

He is.

[C]

Well, it's easy because when he came up, all of a sudden he had access to the Red Sox like everybody wanted him. We went to the Braves game one day. Went on the field like wherever he went at that time he was. He was the only one doing arenas. Like nobody had done arenas except for Dice before him. And even Eddie Murphy never did Arenas.

[A]

Martin.

[C]

Eddie Murphy did the Garden theater. That was raw.

[A]

Steve Martin was Arenas, right?

[C]

Steve Martin was Arena. Bob Newhart was Arenas.

[A]

He was.

[C]

Yeah, he was Arenas.

[A]

Damn. New Hart life. What was that pyro like?

[C]

It was the. The Button Down Mine. Button Down Mine. Him. He won it. He won what? He won an Emmy. He beat Frank Sinatra. Bob Newhart. Bob Newhart won the Emmy that year.

[A]

Why do you have such black and white TV information?

[C]

Because I'm from them.

[A]

Who was the third musical act ever on Ed Sullivan?

[C]

He wasn't that. Carpenters? No.

[A]

I want to get into before we spend another day. I love you so much.

[C]

Oh, I know what you want to get into. Very important.

[A]

Very important. Very, very, very important. This is supposed to be a grassroots movement. We did no prep. It's my fault. This snuck up on me. It turned out to be tonight is the night where officially Corey Feldman begins his domination over the Dancing with the stars stage. And I am here for it.

[C]

I'm so mad that I didn't take tonight off. I want. I should be at your house.

[A]

Should be my house.

[C]

God damn it.

[A]

You know what's bummer about it too?

[C]

What?

[A]

How easy would have been because you could have come back. I have to come back into the city tonight to do a show later. So I'm going home to watch Dancing with the Stars and then coming back out. You could have done that. We could have done that together.

[C]

Yeah. It was stupid. It was dumb. It was bad planning, though.

[A]

Well, we didn't think about enough, but. However, we are going to have to find out what the process is of voting because we have to get out. We have to get out there. Big wait. Let's see all the other people who are on it. The names. That's. It was on that other screen. It was just there.

[C]

I know one of them is a friend of mine, John Reap.

[A]

Oh, God.

[C]

Oh, my God. I thought, dang, Diane Cook was on Dan. I was like, I'm watching every night.

[A]

And John Reap, really? That guy's dancing. He's trying to dance his way out of them charges.

[C]

Both of them are I like a dope.

[A]

Oh, my God, it's gonna be so good. I still, I still say I'll take early bets. Anybody want to shot it? I don't want to say that before the season's over. He does the way you make me feel where he dances around a girl and Michael Jackson's out.

[D]

What are we saying? What are you saying? To his own music. Can we do that?

[A]

No.

[C]

Well, first of all, we have to tell people, everybody listening to this, you have to get other people and yourself, as many people as you can to vote for Corey. We need to get him passed.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

If he's every round. At least three.

[A]

At least three. If he's booted off, the funny dies, it dies with him. You have to get him deep enough to get comfortable with this dancer that he's going to start. And what is her name? Jenna Johnson. Oh, I like it. She's American too. She's not going to take his shit. She's not some foreign beaten down war torn Ukrainian chick. This is Jenna Johnson. This looks gonna be like Corey. Shut up. I can't listen to you. Do you.

[C]

You tell you shut up.

[A]

I'm the professional. Did you grow up dancing with Michael Jackson?

[C]

I love you. Corey is Josh.

[A]

It's my Justin's. My Justin.

[C]

Elaine Hendricks is my friend, but I'm not gonna vote for my friend. No, I'm gonna vote for Corey Feldman to make this happen. Because I don't want the funny to die, as you said.

[A]

Yeah, we really can't have that at all.

[C]

I think he's. I. You know what? I'm telling you right now, and I've said this before, and you said no. I think all of it is wrestling with him. I think it's all this whole thing he's been doing for years is a character. He's doing it. And I think on this, you're gonna see the real Corey, and he's gonna be a regular guy. Regular dude. He's normal as fucking anything. And he's gonna come out and he's gonna be normal and rock it and have some type of second career. And then Goonies, too is gonna happen from this.

[A]

Is this your move? Is this your, like, stamp on the bonfire? Like, the Corey Feldman thing is just stupid. It's not really a thing.

[C]

I guess. Not anymore.

[A]

Is that it? Just stamping it out?

[C]

I guess not anymore. With that attitude.

[A]

You just came in to stamp it out like that. You got the Corey Feldman. I bet he's actually an all right dude, and he probably dances pretty okay.

[C]

I'm just saying he's probably just a normal guy with a normal family and a normal. No way.

[B]

He's a mess.

[A]

He's a lunatic dude.

[C]

He's a raging. Jay. Jay. If he's listening, he knows he might have a person on the show who's on his side.

[A]

This guy won't get in a building with me. I'm dead one day.

[C]

Not you.

[A]

But maybe me, maybe. But you have to. It's gonna be like, hey, you want to do an interview with Bobby Kelly? It can't be from the bonfire. He knows Bonfire. Knows bonfire porn more than he probably knows my name.

[C]

Can we just do. Can we call the show something else?

[A]

Sure.

[C]

Like the Sizzling Rickies.

[A]

The Sizzling Rickies.

[C]

How's that?

[A]

Okay. And I'll be. And you're Ricky. No, no, there's no Ricky here.

[C]

There's no Ricky. How about this? How about the. The Ashes with Bobby and Jay?

[A]

Okay. That's the after show.

[C]

That's the after show.

[A]

The Ashes of Bobby Go Back there. Was there a Ben Affleck's sister?

[B]

I think a daughter.

[A]

His daughter. She's a reality TV star. From what show? How humiliating.

[C]

Is that his real sister?

[A]

How humiliating for fucking Ben Affleck?

[C]

Why?

[A]

Because. Why is your daughter fit? She doesn't do anything. She just. Your daughter, she's kind of cute.

[C]

Is that. Is that. What's her name's daughter to Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Gardner. Is that their kid?

[A]

Probably some. This is probably some townie fucking slutty pork.

[C]

Some Dorchester whore.

[A]

Yeah, that's the best you can make with some freckly pig?

[C]

That's fucking 26. That's from Debbie Affleck's pussy. Ben, your fucking daughter's on Dancing With Stars. You better fucking help her out. And get Marky Mark to fucking. He's getting more upholding you, you weirdo.

[A]

Yeah. Who was he with in 99? Affleck. I mean, this is some scrag, I bet.

[C]

And get mad on the horn. He doesn't answer me anymore.

[A]

Yo, yo. Your pop came in, blasted the child inside me, and then he left us with goddamn nothing.

[C]

Yeah, then he went with that Rican JLO next.

[A]

Now he's floating around with this girl with a big fat ass. What is her deal?

[C]

Is that his? Oh, yeah. Her mom is from Dorchester.

[B]

From Ecuador.

[C]

Oh, get the little sneaky dude had a Ecuadorian baby.

[A]

This guy likes Brown.

[C]

Who doesn't?

[A]

Me.

[C]

You don't.

[A]

I divorced it.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

She's cute, man.

[A]

She's fine.

[C]

She's. Are you kidding me?

[B]

Dude? Never mind.

[A]

What?

[C]

What?

[A]

She's not even related to him at all.

[C]

It's not his daughter. Oh, God damn it. Christine, you suck. Really sent us down a path. Now that means Debbie's dead.

[A]

We have to assume she's from the.

[B]

Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, apparently.

[A]

Oh, she's definitely that guy.

[C]

She's an actress.

[A]

She's that guy.

[C]

Regular actress.

[A]

Well, you love her so much. You love Mormon pussy.

[C]

She means nothing to me now.

[B]

Oh, and she's unmoved. She's like a mom influencer.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

A mom fluencer.

[C]

Boomer influencer. Oh, my God, is that her with all those kids?

[A]

All right, so she says to go up to. Let's see. Go back to the people that are on Dancing with the Stars. Hilaria Baldwin. That'll be funny. Because if she decides, right. To have the accent or not.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

It's just fluid now. Right?

[C]

Is that the wife?

[B]

Yeah, Hillary from Massachusetts.

[A]

Her name's like Hillary Psychotic like her fake last name was fake before she was with him. See, she had, like, a Hispanic last name.

[B]

It's all made up.

[C]

Okay, so she's from Massachusetts, and her whole. She talks in the Spanish accent and it's all, yes, Hillary. And that's legal.

[B]

Yeah, Madonna did it.

[A]

Madonna just went British for a little bit.

[C]

Why don't we do it? Why don't we do that? Jay. Jay, you want the show to get big. The reason why we're not. Oh, I'm sorry.

[A]

So, Bobby, I just want you to understand.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You're saying that we should get rid of Corey Feldman talking the show because this is your stamp and we should get more into heavy impressions.

[C]

Jay. I'm not doing an impression. Jay. This is who I am inside. You understand? I'm saying, why don't we go international work. It's not character work, dude, my lad, it's not character work. Listen to me, Cockney Bob. Yeah, bud. You know, you got. You got. Listen, Jay, you gotta do what you gotta do. I'm also in practice of when Young blood comes in.

[A]

Oh, that's good. I gotta tell you, when we start talking in accents, it scares the shit out of me.

[C]

Why? Because you think Dan's coming back and I can't do it and your dream might come true?

[A]

He's gonna look. Yeah. What if he looks at the window and sees me impressioning with somebody else?

[C]

He'd be so mad. Jay, why can't we.

[A]

Hey, what are you doing there? Impressioning.

[C]

None of us can do Dan.

[A]

I just do him and Ralph the same way. Christine, the list.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Jordan Chiles is an Olympic gymnast. Dylan Efron, I assume everyone's got the same last name as somebody else famous and it's not related to them.

[D]

I think he's a brother. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Oh, that's right. Looks just like him.

[C]

Topanga, have you seen Efron's face?

[A]

Yeah, it's. Yeah, you got crazy. His bottom lips. Elaine Hendrix is Bobby's friend. Baron Davis is washed up.

[C]

Click on Elaine for me. Come on. You blow right over my friend for man. Let's give my friend a little juice. I'm gonna call her right now. Want me to call her right now?

[A]

No. Who is that?

[C]

Why?

[A]

Because I'm gonna. She's gonna be upset when you go. Everybody here wanted to meet you. And I go, who are you? What are you in again?

[B]

Oh, I know.

[C]

Pushing. No, her.

[A]

Let me see her. She.

[B]

I know her from when I feel like she was a mean girl.

[C]

She was on it Says it right there.

[A]

She was on the Romy and Michelle's High School.

[B]

Oh, the Parent Trap. Yeah, she was the shitty stepmom. Parent Trap.

[C]

She's the. Yeah, that's her claim to fame is the Parent Trap. Yeah, everybody knows her from that.

[A]

She's been in Friends Two and a half. Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men, Men.

[C]

You guys suck, man.

[A]

Well, you did your part. You don't suck. You did your part.

[C]

You didn't suck. Jacob, you suck.

[A]

Jacob, you suck.

[D]

I didn't get the rest.

[A]

Blackley, you sucked over there, too.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Nuts.

[B]

That's a kid, not a girl.

[C]

Whatever.

[B]

It's the half man.

[C]

It's a half man.

[A]

It's not any of them.

[C]

Which equals one woman.

[A]

Yes, in life, every woman is worth half a man at best.

[C]

There she is, right there. That's my friend.

[A]

Oh, she's going down.

[C]

What the man?

[B]

Yeah, she's not winning.

[A]

Someone's gonna moonwalk right over her face. Oh, she's dead, dude.

[C]

Dude, she's dead.

[A]

Baron Davis Feldog. Scott Hoying from a singer from a band called Pentatonix.

[B]

We looked him up, too.

[A]

Yeah. Gay. Totally. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Boo.

[A]

Andy Richter. He's gonna just. They're gonna make him do really, just fat movements.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Hilary Baldwin will probably be weirdly good. Alex, the social media girl, probably pretty good. Jen Affleck. Who knows? She's a Mormon. She'll probably be pretty good. Some weird reason. And Robert Irwin. Oh, that's Crocodile Hunter's son.

[C]

Crocodile Son who is crazy. Got a lot of crazy energy. So he might do some weird stuff.

[A]

And who's it? Whitney. Leave it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What is she from?

[C]

Leave it.

[B]

Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. So they have two girls from the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives?

[A]

No, we have to travel in packs. What's your last gospel? Leave it. Love it.

[D]

Or oh, she has crazy eyes.

[C]

Yeah, they all have crazy eyes.

[B]

They're actors hopped up on soda.

[A]

Can we read the biography of Corey Feldman, please? They all have biographies up on the website.

[C]

All these broads have mail delivery meals sent to the house every night. They haven't cooked. They have a kitchen. They've never used a pot and pan in their life.

[A]

Do we have. Yeah, here we go. Corey Feldman listed simply as a star. Star. But, oh, it stars. I got it. That wasn't him. I want to give him so much shit that sometimes I go, that's not his fault. Corey Feldman began his acting career. Just three and a half years old when he auditioned for McDonald's commercial, which went on to earn a Cleo Award and aired for eight consecutive years. Wow. So he's like, I really knocked it out of the park with that fucking commercial.

[C]

What? What? What? You can win awards for commercials?

[A]

Oh, yeah, dude. Ceelos never got a Cleo.

[C]

I never got a Cleo. Oh, no.

[A]

You should go to the Clios with me this year.

[C]

I will.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Do we have to wear suits? Yeah, okay. Sorry, dude, I didn't know.

[A]

It's more of a tux rental thing.

[C]

Okay, buddy, I'll get a tux. I'm not trying to offend your Clio award ceremony.

[A]

Well, I don't know if I'm gonna win this year.

[C]

All right, man. What? I didn't know you went every year.

[A]

Mercimo. Commercial.

[C]

Commercial. Marshmallow.

[A]

I do. Yeah, I do radio voiceover for condom commercials.

[C]

What is. How's it go?

[A]

Are you tired of buying condoms at the store and everyone's seeing that they're just regular old condoms? Now we deliver condoms.

[C]

Let me try it. Are you tired? Are you tired of getting regular old condoms?

[A]

I don't believe you.

[C]

All right, whatever, dude. I'm not getting a Cleo. I'm not getting a Cleo, Bobby.

[A]

Not with that effort.

[C]

Just stupid.

[A]

Yes, Scorsese's in there for the Cleo's for sure. That guy that looks like me, that's Mr. That's the most awards go. Oh, will, I am also. Can you go back to the star biography, please? So just know Corey's one of Cleo that tends to not make it into the pre show, braggadocious screen show. He puts on one, a Cleo at three and a half, aired for eight years. By the time he was four, he was already filming regularly. And now Feldman is proudly celebrating his 50th anniversary in entertainment.

[C]

You go. You go. Corey. You're my man. Good job.

[A]

I believe you.

[C]

Good job, Corey.

[A]

From a career that has garnered over a hundred theatrical films, 18 of which were number one at the box office, along with over 100 television appearances, five TV series, 20 US tours with various bands, three Billboard top 40 hits, multiple viral videos, and a historic Today show performance that became the most viewed musical act on the show at the time, his legacy continues to evolve. That's pretty fucking hilarious. They still call it goes his historic Today show. Not like amazing or good. As one of the original stars of the Goonies, Feldman is also helping to celebrate the film's 40th anniversary by co producing a new docu series that chronicles the refurbishment of the iconic Goonies house.

[C]

I saw that.

[A]

A nostalgic landmark for fans across generations. Where is it?

[C]

It's.

[A]

Oh, it's New York, right? Is it like. It's like western New York or something?

[C]

Yeah, it's like. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, no, that was Port Charles.

[C]

It's. I think it's up. Up, Up. Up in.

[B]

It's in Oregon.

[C]

It's in. Up. West coast. Up Oregon. I was just saying. I was using my finger going up and then, thank God, Christine picked an upstate.

[D]

What are his three top 40 hits?

[A]

Good question.

[D]

What are his three top 40 Billboard hits?

[C]

Yeah, well, we're going to tell you that on the way back.

[A]

Oh, we got more to talk about.

[C]

We got to take a break. But don't forget, you have to vote yes.

[A]

That's most important thing is vote. Vote early, vote often. Yes.

[B]

I will put it on Instagram stories too. I tweeted the link, the voting link. So it's not open yet, but the link's out there and we can put it on our.

[A]

You have to vote for Court. We need Corey Feldman to stay on the show.

[B]

Come on, man.

[C]

We've never asked you to do anything for us. No, except listen.

[A]

Except listen. And buy tickets to all of our stuff in the merch also.

[C]

And please go to Skank Fest getting tickets to that.

[A]

Go to seven different platforms if you want to watch all of our stuff. There's no way to make it concise, really. So I guess we ask a lot of you.

[C]

We ask a lot.

[A]

But also, just tag this one more thing on, would you? Don't be a dick. Oh, I need help. And now, now you're going to rub into my face all the things you do for me already. Fuck you.

[C]

One more thing. Big J is going to be in Pittsburgh improv September 18th and the 20th. And then he's in Toronto for just one day. The 21st. First show is already sold out. Second show tickets still available. After that, he's going to be in Portland and then Columbus. For tickets and all tour dates, please go to bigj.Comedy.com and YouTube.com BigJokasan and.

[A]

Robert Kelly's gonna be a comedy at the Carlson in Rochester, October 10th and 11th. After that, Tampa, Florida, Emmaus, Pennsylvania, and New Orleans, of course, for Skank Fest for tickets. And all tour dates go to Punchup Live slash, Robert Kelly. That's right, of course, check out Bobby's YouTube channel, YouTube.comobert Kelly Comedy. And of course, just like tonight, every Tuesday night, not only can you watch Corey Feldman, you can watch Bobby tell jokes. I'm gonna be doing the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge. The comedy.

[C]

I'll be doing it in an English accent. The whole show.

[A]

Really?

[C]

House show, English accent as my new, my new character.

[A]

That would make me walk out, Bobbo.

[C]

No, it won't. It's gonna make people stay and cheer and have a Guinness. We'll be right back. It's the bonfire.

[B]

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[C]

Means you have a chance.

[A]

Passion opens the door to all possibilities. When I feel like anything's possible, I feel kind of giddy. I want to be an astronaut artist.

[C]

An actress, to visit another country.

[A]

All I need is a backpack and a pair of shoes and I'll find a way I'm able to do anything I set my mind to. I've never felt like more things are.

[C]

Possible than right now. In the right shoes, anything is possible.

[B]

Dsw Countless shoes at brag worthy prices. Imagine the possibilities.