Garbage Plates & Heartbreaks

Summary

The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: Garbage Plates & Heartbreaks
Date: October 21, 2025
Host: SiriusXM – Faction Talk Channel

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bonfire delivers a wild, unfiltered ride through food oddities, comedy club war stories, and a raw, hilarious dive into relationship drama. Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly swap stories about Rochester’s infamous “garbage plate,” bizarre food cultures, and open up about marital misdeeds, forgiveness, and the realities of long-term relationships. The show’s signature blend of quick banter, dark humor, and surprising sincerity shines, weaving food talk and personal confessions into comedy gold.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Kicking Off: AI Music & Intro Debates

[01:22–03:59]

• The show begins with Jay and Bobby riffing on the use of AI-generated music in the intro, poking fun at AI covers of classic rap songs.
  • Jay: “Can we play real music for an intro? Since Bobby’s ready for the robots to take over…” [01:32]
  • Bobby prefers the Motown version of a rap song to its original.
• Quick banter erupts over music tastes: Bobby accuses Jay of liking ‘angry white guy’ music, while Jay returns fire about Motown.

2. Anniversaries Without Pressure

[03:59–04:45]

• The hosts marvel at their relationships where they don’t have to be sexually pressured, joking about stress-free anniversaries.
  • Robert: “It was our anniversary this weekend and nothing happened. So fantastic.” [03:05]

3. Elote & Culinary Curiosities

[04:12–04:57]

• Bobby and Jay swap opinions about “elote” (Mexican street corn), with Christine chiming in to explain.
• They reflect on food discoveries and Duolingo efforts.
  • Bobby: “I’ve been doing Duolingo for 257 days.” [03:25]
  • Jay: “I have a daughter who speaks fluent Spanish who’s half Hispanic.” [03:29]

4. Bobby’s Comedy Road Stories in Rochester

[04:58–12:23]

• Bobby recounts working at a Rochester farm, run by a “big lesbian woman in overalls,” and a staffer’s bizarre behavior with a cat—delivered with dark comic flair.
• Praise for Rochester’s comedy club owner, Mark, whose catchphrase “yabba dabba doo” is divisive.
• The guys roast Rochester’s “garbage plate”—a local dish blending fries, onion rings, burgers, chili, and more in a “pile of crap food”:
  • Jay: “Your self-esteem is so low, your big food is called a garbage plate.” [10:40]
  • Robert: “It’s disgusting. It’s definitely garbage.” [11:51]
• Bobby struggles to buy socks at Walmart—the store locks them up and no one has the key, inspiring a classic urban decay rant.

5. Regional Food Roasting: Loco Moco, Spam Musubi & Ethiopian

[12:23–17:33]

• The hosts riff on food cultures:
  • Jay gripes about Hawaiian food (loco moco, spam musubi), calling Hawaiians “savages” with signature irreverence.
  • Bobby praises loco moco: “My favorite fast food of all. Hamburger with gravy over rice, egg, macaroni salad. Now that’s not bad.” [13:13]
  • Jay and the crew gag at the thought of eating Ethiopian “fist food,” and swap jokes about eating with one’s hands versus utensils.
  • Notable Kermes joke about Ethiopian restaurants: “I thought that was their whole problem, that they don’t have food.” [17:03]

6. Eating with Hands: Culture or Laziness?

[18:13–20:37]

• They debate why some cultures eat with their hands: Ayurveda/tradition, laziness, or dish-washing avoidance? Jay summarily rejects the idea of greater “connection” to food via hands:
  • Jay (mocking): “I already have a weird relationship with my food. I don’t want to fuck it too. I just want to eat it.” [20:31]
  • Bobby: “I wish. I would love to fuck it, you know?” [20:37]

7. Food, Travel, and Dookie – Getting Sick Abroad

[21:04–22:04]

• Jacob mentions a former child star dying from hepatitis A after eating in India, while Bobby shares getting violently ill from food in Guatemala.

8. Indian Cinema & Bollywood Superheroes

[22:12–24:48]

• Bobby raves about Indian action movies (specifically “RRR”), with the gang making fun of Bollywood’s penchant for wild action and exuberant dance sequences.
  • Robert: “You can see up his shorts... there’s no shredded Indians. And they always have to go into a dance.” [23:26]

9. Relationship Confessions: Cheating, Addiction, and Redemption

[31:01–57:00]
This core segment features Bobby’s unflinching, funny, and surprisingly moving tell-all about infidelity, addiction, and forgiveness in his marriage.

Highlights Include:

• Bobby’s and Dawn’s 18-year marriage, going back to New York post-9/11, and the pivotal advice from Patrice O’Neal:
  • Patrice: “Bobby, you gotta leave. You gotta get the fuck back to New York right now.” [32:12]
• Bobby’s “dark days” in LA, compulsive late-night pie-baking (a sure sign of losing touch with stand-up), and moving back to NYC.
• Full, hilarious account of Bobby getting caught cheating: losing his cell phone, girlfriends and managers conspiring, and a wealth of incriminating evidence (“taxes 1996” folder full of videos and photos).
  • Robert: “Her friend… found ‘taxes 1996’ folder. It wasn’t taxes.” [37:36]
• Dawn’s heartbreak, Bobby’s self-confessed sex addiction, and how therapy (and the AA “Big Book”) helped them crawl back from marital meltdown.
  • Jay (laughing at Bobby’s secret photo stash): “You are…is it like all the same, like, you make—is the girl always nervous and harsh white lighting?” [40:06]
  • Robert: “She goes, ‘You are a fucking serial killer, it’s like you’re a serial killer because I had all these trophies.’” [39:42]
• The infamous scene where Dawn dumps out Bobby’s “big book” filled with leftover Polaroids; Bobby’s chagrin and remorse in the face of marital confrontation:
  • Christine: “I mean, you literally could have hid them anywhere else.” [49:05]
• Genuine moments:
  • Robert: “We sat on the kitchen floor and cried. We sat on this kitchen and cried all morning.” [41:12]
  • Jay: “I know it is real and it is also funny.” [41:25]
• Therapy works: Colin Quinn urges Bobby to give therapy and true change eight months before walking away, advice Bobby credits with saving his marriage.
• End result: Bobby learns, laughs, and gives his wife diamonds (“tennis bracelet”) to make up for old wounds.

10. Heartbreak Hilarity: Making Amends, Buying Jewelry, and Getting Roasted

[50:13–56:07]

• Bobby seeks advice (from Christine and Jay) on what diamond jewelry to buy his wife to “make things right,” haggling over size and price on-air.
  • Christine: “I mean, if I deserved one, then she definitely…” [54:51]
• Jay and Christine pile on the mockery as Bobby’s search for redemption becomes an on-air shopping debacle—naturally, all laced with roast jokes.
• Bobby admits: “If only you could suck my dick like her, I wouldn’t have to do this…” [56:44]

11. Reflections on Love, Addiction, and Happiness

[57:29–58:59]

• Bobby makes clear: he loves Dawn, despite (or because of) their rocky past.
• Jay sums up: “At some point you had no idea you were going to be sobbing on a kitchen floor.”
• The group reflect on long-distance drives of shame and the journey from pain to healing.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Rochester’s “garbage plate”:

"Your self-esteem is so low, your big food is called a garbage plate."
— Jay Oakerson [10:40]

On being in a long relationship:

"It was our anniversary this weekend and nothing happened. So fantastic."
— Robert Kelly [03:05]

On breaking up with LA, thanks to Patrice:

"He goes, ‘I haven’t seen you in the clubs... but this is the best chicken I’ve ever had in my life. And I literally moved under two months. I was cooking, dude.'"
— Robert Kelly [32:39]

On getting caught cheating:

“Her friend… found ‘taxes 1996’ folder. It wasn’t taxes.”
— Robert Kelly [37:36]

“You are…is it like all the same, like, you make—is the girl always nervous and harsh white lighting?”
— Jay Oakerson [40:06]

On the pain of marital reckoning:

“We sat on the kitchen floor and cried. We sat on this kitchen and cried all morning.”
— Robert Kelly [41:12]

“I know it is real and it is also funny.”
— Jay Oakerson [41:25]

On relationship advice:

“If you…care about her…give it eight months. And if you can’t change…walk away.”
— Colin Quinn (as paraphrased by Robert Kelly) [45:26]

On therapy, love and atonement:

“If I deserved one, then she definitely…”
— Christine [54:51]

“If only you could suck my dick like her, I wouldn’t have to do this…”
— Robert Kelly [56:44]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• 01:22 – Show intro, AI cover music debate
• 03:05 – Anniversary talk, marital comfort
• 04:12–04:57 – Elote and food favorites
• 04:58–12:23 – Bobby’s Rochester stories, “garbage plates,” Walmart sock security
• 12:23–17:33 – Food stories: Garbage plates to loco moco, Ethiopian food
• 18:13–22:04 – “Eating with hands” debate & food poisoning stories
• 22:12–24:48 – Bollywood superhero movies, RRR
• 31:01–57:00 – Bobby’s saga: infidelity, AA “big book,” relationship therapy, and kitchen floor tears
• 50:13–56:07 – Bobby shops on-air for marital amends (diamond tennis bracelet)
• 57:29–58:59 – Closing thoughts, reflection on love and self-improvement

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Tone & Style

The episode is rapid-fire, darkly humorous, and unfiltered, alternating between absurd food culture commentary and authentic, sometimes raw sharing about relationships and mistakes. The comedians roast themselves and each other, but beneath the laughs is an honest reckoning with personal faults and growth.

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Summary

“Garbage Plates & Heartbreaks” is a masterclass in confessional comedy: the episode’s first half is a rollicking roast of regional food (from Rochester’s “garbage plate” to Hawaiian loco moco and Ethiopian hand meals), while the second devotes itself to Robert Kelly’s candid story of infidelity, regret, and the hard road to redemption. Jay Oakerson needles and comforts in equal measure, providing both comic foil and sympathetic friend. By episode’s end, the laughs are still coming, but so are the lessons—about honesty, forgiveness, and loving (and laughing at) yourself and your past.

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For anyone craving comedy that’s both hilarious and heartfelt, this episode of The Bonfire stands out as a tour-de-force—deeply funny, brutally honest, and never afraid to dig into the messiness beneath the punchlines.

Transcript

[Announcer]

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[Jay Oakerson]

Morning, Zoe.

[Robert Kelly]

Got donuts.

[Announcer]

Jeff Bridges, why are you still living above our garage?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I dig the mattress and I want to be in a T Mobile commercial like you.

[Jay Oakerson]

T teach me.

[Robert Kelly]

So, Dana.

[Announcer]

Oh, no, I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly at t mobile get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.

[Jay Oakerson]

Wow, impressive.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me try. T Mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 Pro because they've got the best network.

[Christine]

Nice.

[Announcer]

Jeffrey, you heard them.

[Robert Kelly]

T Mobile is the best place to get the new iPhone 17 Pro on us with eligible trade in in any condition. So what are we having for lunch?

[Announcer]

Dude, my work here is done.

[Jay Oakerson]

24 monthly bill credit is on experience.

[Robert Kelly]

Beyond for well qualified customers.

[Jay Oakerson]

Plus tax and $35 device connection charge. Credits ended, balance due if you pay off earlier. Cancel Finance agreement. IPhone 17 Pro 256 gigs $1099.99 and new line minimum $100 plus a month plan with auto pay plus taxes and fees required. Best mobile network in the US based.

[Robert Kelly]

On analysis by Oaklove Speed Test Intelligence.

[Jay Oakerson]

Data 182025 Visit T mobile.com and now.

[Robert Kelly]

The bonfire with Big J. Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't like this song in either version.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't like the real version? Play it, Lou. Eminem's the greatest rapper of all time.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now this song stunk like this too.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't like this song?

[Jay Oakerson]

Now can we play real music for. For an intro? Since Bobby's ready for the robots to take over, People should know that the first one.

[Robert Kelly]

The first one was AI.

[Jay Oakerson]

That was AI.

[Robert Kelly]

That's AI. That's not a real human being.

[Jay Oakerson]

Right?

[Robert Kelly]

They're taking rap songs. They took TUPAC, they took 50 Cent, they took Eminem. And they're doing, you know, back in the day songs which. What's that turning into Motown. Yeah, Motown, which I like. I like. I like that song better as Motown than I do the regular song.

[Jay Oakerson]

Just feels wrong.

[Robert Kelly]

Does not feel wrong.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do the intro again, Lou. And now the bonfire with Big J.

[Robert Kelly]

Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then go ahead and thump in the room.

[Robert Kelly]

You're a child.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Robert Kelly]

You're a child. You don't like men music?

[Jay Oakerson]

What do you mean?

[Robert Kelly]

You like Little teenage music you like? Like. You like little rage music? You like angry white guy music?

[Jay Oakerson]

Some. Yeah. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

My life sucks and fucking my heart. Weekend was tough, even though I got so much money. Your life is fine, Jay.

[Jay Oakerson]

You want to listen to your life is fine, listen to Motown versions of Slim Shady.

[Robert Kelly]

We both have girls that we don't have to have sex with that do everything that girls have sex with their men do. Oh, yeah. How great is that? We don't have the negative. What are you doing now? We don't have none of that. Why don't you come in the bedroom? I got something I bought for you. Oh. Nighty. That's sexy.

[Jay Oakerson]

It is nice living without that pressure.

[Robert Kelly]

It was our anniversary this weekend and nothing happened. Nice. So fantastic.

[Jay Oakerson]

I like it.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I took her out to Mexican last night and then we went back.

[Jay Oakerson]

To assure you wouldn't. Honey, you should have some more elote.

[Robert Kelly]

Elote? What's elote?

[Jay Oakerson]

Is that how you say it?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know.

[Christine]

Street corn.

[Jay Oakerson]

The street corn.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that what it's called? Elote?

[Jay Oakerson]

I think so.

[Robert Kelly]

You know more Spanish than me. And I've been doing Duolingo for 257 days.

[Jay Oakerson]

I have a daughter who speaks fluent Spanish who's half Hispanic.

[Robert Kelly]

And that's because you had sex with one.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know. Or near one, even.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's true.

[Jay Oakerson]

All you gotta do is be near one.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I love elote. Elote is my favorite. It's mayonnaise with.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Mayonnaise corn.

[Robert Kelly]

Mayonnaise corn, which you don't think would be good, but those Spagnatos.

[Jay Oakerson]

Mayonnaise corn is weirdly good.

[Robert Kelly]

It's weirdly good. Mayonnaise corn.

[Jay Oakerson]

Mayonnaise butter.

[Robert Kelly]

Corn as butter. Mayonnaise and cheese. And a little spice on it. Yeah, it was really good.

[Jay Oakerson]

Paprik.

[Robert Kelly]

It is one of my favorites.

[Jay Oakerson]

Elote.

[Robert Kelly]

Elote.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think we're saying it right.

[Robert Kelly]

Who cares? How was your weekend, buddy? Dude, I was in a Rochester. I know, and it was great.

[Jay Oakerson]

Emotional. When you saw the old farmer, you got raped.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't get raped there, actually. When I showed up there my first day, I told you I had a big lesbian woman in overalls from my boss.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Robert Kelly]

Really, really nice woman, but very tough. And then she goes, go to the barn. You gotta. You gotta clean all the stalls. And I was in Jordache jeans, nice black wife beater and mirror shades.

[Jay Oakerson]

Those jeans were hugging him. I bet your curves.

[Robert Kelly]

It was so. So. I look so good.

[Jay Oakerson]

Those Jordaches, really, I bet, were coming up underneath that cake they.

[Robert Kelly]

They made you package. Nice. Yeah, but they really weren't for cleaning stalls.

[Jacob]

Oh.

[Robert Kelly]

And I remember I walked up. There was a mentally retarded guy working there.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Robert Kelly]

He was walking up to me, and he had a cat lying in his arms. And the cat was, like, almost, like, folded over, like, sleeping in his arms. And then as I got closer, I realized that he had his finger on the cat's vagina.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh.

[Robert Kelly]

And I went, you're not supposed to do that, dude. And he goes, I'm sorry. I know. I'm sorry. And the cat was like, yo, man, mind your business.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. The cat was like, oh, hello. Who's the new cockblock?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. He was like, mind your business. Who's the new book?

[Jay Oakerson]

How is Rochester?

[Robert Kelly]

That club is great. I love the guy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Mark.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Mark. He says yabba dabba doo a lot, which genuinely. Yeah, he goes, yabba dabba doo. Yeah, he uses it. That's his thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

You know what's crazy? Is that new?

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's all. That's his thing. For years when I first met him, he'd be like, dude, tonight, packed room. Yabba dabba doo. We got it going on.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm not familiar with you. Maybe you got to be inner circle for that.

[Robert Kelly]

He picked me up at the thing. He said, yo, Bobby, good to have you back. We're gonna kill it this weekend. Yabba dabba doo. Let's do it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't like it.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't like yabba dabba do?

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't think you do either.

[Robert Kelly]

I hate it. But I like him so much that I'm like, yeah, but he's great. Yeah, he's great. The other owner is great, too. Oh, I found out something.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, what?

[Robert Kelly]

The other owner is this Indian guy and his beautiful wife. Not Indian. Um, yeah. Yeah, it's. Well, it's pretty crazy up there. Well, here's the thing with that town, which I didn't know until this weekend.

[Jay Oakerson]

Lawless Indians marrying non Indians.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's. It's nice. It's a beautiful town. For three blocks.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And then. And then it gets ruthless. I went to Walmart. I forgot my sauce.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a dump. Their food that they're known for is called a garbage plate. That's true. It is. And ask me what it is. Jacob.

[Jacob]

What is it?

[Jay Oakerson]

All of it. Just a bunch of.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

What do you mean?

[Jay Oakerson]

Just name, name Shitty foods you could have.

[Jacob]

I don't know, fries, Onion rings.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

Yep.

[Jay Oakerson]

Think bigger even.

[Jacob]

I don't know.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you know you're Going to be on a radio show today.

[Jacob]

Yeah, but see, I don't really think about that.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that's true. Ask me.

[Jay Oakerson]

You just fill the spaces with words.

[Robert Kelly]

Ask me. Go ahead. Cheese queso. Yep, that's cheese. Chili?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yep.

[Robert Kelly]

More cheese.

[Jay Oakerson]

A burger. Burger. Yep.

[Robert Kelly]

How about a chicken and some.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

How about chicken fingers?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

How about fried chicken?

[Jacob]

Mozzarella sticks?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes. Dude, it's all of it. They put it on the plate.

[Jay Oakerson]

Burger.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Burger, yeah.

[Jacob]

Hang of it now.

[Robert Kelly]

Onions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's disgusting.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hash browns also yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Egg. It's fucking gross.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's disgusting.

[Jacob]

I have a carb limit.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I went to Walmart to get stocks because dawn forgot to pack my socks. Yes. It's her responsibility because if you say you're gonna do it and you don't do it, then it's still your responsibility. Even though I'm 55 and I should be packing my own stuff.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, you shouldn't let her dress you. She's dressing you for failure out there.

[Robert Kelly]

What do you mean?

[Jay Oakerson]

I mean she's dressing you for success in comedy. They're gonna go, look how silly Bobby looks. And he's doing comedy because he's silly.

[Robert Kelly]

Why do I look silly?

[Jay Oakerson]

Because she's dressing you.

[Robert Kelly]

She's not dressing me.

[Jay Oakerson]

You just said she was.

[Robert Kelly]

No, she packs for me.

[Jay Oakerson]

Right, right. I mean, she's picking the outfits.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I pick the outfit. She packs.

[Jay Oakerson]

Gotcha.

[Robert Kelly]

She folds because I don't know how to fold tight.

[Jay Oakerson]

Gotcha.

[Robert Kelly]

I use packing cubes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Weird.

[Robert Kelly]

My new Louis Vuitton bag.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Got on this long time ago. A couple months ago. Anyways, don't look at me that way. You're a bag slut, too. I hate your. You like Billy Burr, you put it out.

[Jacob]

Or do you say, I'll take this, this, this and this. Get it done.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna say this, I don't do that, but I'm gonna start doing that. I'm gonna start standing in front of my walk in room that. I have the walk. I love it. I'm gonna go, that, that, and then I'm gonna go.

[Jay Oakerson]

You have a personal shopper. I like it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, give me that and that and then I'll make my decision later on that and then what? What? What's wrong with you?

[Jay Oakerson]

Put together your outfits. I like it.

[Robert Kelly]

We've been together for 18 years. I deserve this.

[Jacob]

I want you to do that.

[Robert Kelly]

No, here's the.

[Christine]

I want to get you, like, the computer system and clueless. I can match all your outfits.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I only wear True classic shirts. I wear True classic jeans. True classic underwear. If they made the socks, I'd wear them. It's not that hard to pack for me. Pair of jeans, pair of workout clothes. Sweatpants, two or three true classic black or V, crewneck or V. And then a couple hoodies and a jacket. Or even a shirt jacket.

[Jay Oakerson]

A what?

[Robert Kelly]

A shirt jacket. Okay, it's a shirt, but it's also a jacket, which I love. I love a shirt jacket.

[Jay Oakerson]

And you point she packs.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't do that. But I should have did that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Because when I got there, I didn't have socks.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Which was uncomfortable. So I went to Walmart to buy socks. Sure, Walmart. Best place to buy socks. Not in Rochester, buddy. Locked up. The socks are fucking locked. They have sock jail in fucking Rochester.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

And you notice they don't have it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Rochester, number one thing. Bums will steal.

[Robert Kelly]

It's fucking crazy. You know what they don't have in Rochester at Walmart? Person with a key to the socks. It says push button. All the buttons are fucking broken. The batteries, they didn't just. Whatever they do. So you have to find somebody with a key. I walked up, no joke, to 15 people with vests. Yeah, Walmart vests. And I said, you got a key? And they went, nah. And I was like, do you have a key? Nope. I was like, what about you? Nope. I literally there was five of them behind the electronic couch. I go, hey, I've asked all five. I go, hey, I need a key. I want to get socks. What do you want me to do? They went, I don't know. I go, should I not get the socks? They're like, I wouldn't.

[Jay Oakerson]

Rochester, I want you to hear this and you hear this good. God has forgotten about you. You should migrate somewhere else and just abandon the place. God has forgotten you. He stopped caring. You can't figure it out. Your self esteem is so low. Your big food is called a garbage plate.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't get. You have socks in jail.

[Jay Oakerson]

Your socks are in prison.

[Robert Kelly]

You have sock jail.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby got raped by a lesbian in overalls when he was a boy. It's a bad place. Even the best guy says yabba dabba do throughout conversations.

[Robert Kelly]

Yabba dabba do.

[Jay Oakerson]

And he's the best guy there. Oh my Christ.

[Robert Kelly]

There's a garbage plate right there.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, did you say beans at any point?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no, we didn't say beans. Potato, Matt.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, this one's got a full baked potato.

[Robert Kelly]

They got a macaroni salad.

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't put cold with hot macaroni salad, beans, potatoes, sausages.

[Robert Kelly]

It's disgusting.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then ground beef on top of the sausages with onions.

[Robert Kelly]

I do like that.

[Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

On the potato. Ground beef with onions on top of a baked potato. That sounds.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's not a baked potato. I was wrong. It's sausages.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, sausages. Oh, my God. It is a sausage. Wow. That's disgusting. Yeah, it's.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's.

[Robert Kelly]

It's. It's definitely garbage. I'll tell you what they do have up there, though, which I like. They have hot chicks with no hope.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Hopeless hot chicks.

[Jay Oakerson]

They're just waiting. They just can't wait. They just need to afford a bus ticket up to Syracuse and then find out. That sucks too. You're going the wrong direction, idiot.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you gotta go down. They got hot chicks up there that just like. I think I heard one of them in the line while she was taking a photo. She went, take me with you. I was like, what? Take me with you.

[Jay Oakerson]

I can't eat any more garbage plates. It's killing me outside.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm too hot to be up here. He's a four. Coming 11.

[Jacob]

Take me some of the pictures of the hot. The garbage plates Christine put up. They make it their own. So they have cheese. Look, what do they call that? Processed cheese whiz on top. Just to make it their own little. That's our restaurant's cheese.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you can add each. That's what I said before. I've seen them where there's a burger on it. A burger now a bunned dressed burger now.

[Jacob]

Listening on.

[Robert Kelly]

The Hawaiians have figured it out. A Moco Loco or a Loco Moco.

[Jay Oakerson]

I believe Hawaiians have figured nothing out.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, they have. They've figured out canoeing and flat backs on women.

[Jay Oakerson]

Barely.

[Robert Kelly]

But I love a Hawaiian. Hawaiian Loco Moco, I believe it's called, is my favorite fast food of all. It's a hamburger with. With gravy over rice with a. With an egg on top. Fried egg on top of. With macaroni salad. Now that's not bad.

[Jay Oakerson]

You said the Hawaiians have figured it out.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. As far as cleaning up the garbage plate, I believe that. Oh, look at that. Dude. That looks good. Come on, Jay.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know. I don't. I don't want to eat anything where it's like. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, you know, I don't know if you. How much duolingo you're doing, but that means crazy in there somewhere.

[Robert Kelly]

Loco, loco, loco. Look at that. Dude, look at that.

[Jacob]

You.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you like rice?

[Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you like hamburgers?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you like gravy? Do you like egg?

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't like a runny egg on not breakfast food.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't like a fried egg?

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

You like. Well, how do you like your egg for breakfast? No. First of all, this is their. You can have this for breakfast. Oh, that's why they're big people, dude. There are big people.

[Jay Oakerson]

Wakalaka hahi.

[Robert Kelly]

Walking a lot guy. Dude, I love it. I love. I love that for breakfast. I. Oh. Oh, my God.

[Jay Oakerson]

Your rice breakfast, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

I think it's from.

[Jay Oakerson]

What are you getting Japanese with Jacob over there.

[Jacob]

But where do you get it?

[Robert Kelly]

You get it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Breakfast rice.

[Robert Kelly]

You get. Hawaiian restaurant has it. I. Anytime I go somewhere, I always say.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, she can get breakfast rice.

[Robert Kelly]

Hawaii.

[Jacob]

Where do you get. I've never seen a Hawaiian restaurant.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, just type it in. Yelp. Hawaiian barbecue.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what I won't do anymore. I made a mistake one time, but I think it may have been when Josh poured mole all over my bed. But it was two Hawaiian brothers. It's like a very. It's. Every city now has. It's a good late night or not a good. It's a late night option with Wendy's, Taco Bell, McDonald's and everything. It's called, like, Two Hawaiian Bros and man.

[Robert Kelly]

Sounds good.

[Jay Oakerson]

It just seems awful.

[Robert Kelly]

Sounds great. It's Hawaiian.

[Jay Oakerson]

You know, I ordered it once. It was not good.

[Robert Kelly]

You sure?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And I would. I'm not going back to see what else they have to offer.

[Robert Kelly]

Why was the mole on your bed? What were you two doing? Were you moleing?

[Jay Oakerson]

We were mole. It wasn't this. Because that wouldn't. This wouldn't have mole. That was a Mexican place we went to.

[Robert Kelly]

That is Mole's Mexican.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I go, do me a favor. Just eat over the towel on the bed. And then he took. Pulled the. Josh. Josh. He took the plate to his face and just poured it all over the bed. Poured mole all over the bed and away.

[Robert Kelly]

What'd you do? You didn't dump them after that? No. You've taken this guy back a lot.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Yeah. Here you go.

[Robert Kelly]

That looks good. Is there a moco? A loco moco.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no moco loco there.

[Robert Kelly]

You sure?

[Jay Oakerson]

I've never seen it.

[Robert Kelly]

I love it. I love it. I love all that pork rice. Oh, that. That's gross, though. A macaroni. A macaroni salad with pork and rice is disgusting.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's the same thing. It's just wrapped.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I know, but I don't like it. I like it separate. I like my cold macaroni salad. Ooh. Spam musubi.

[Jay Oakerson]

They're savages, these people.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they were.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hawaiians are goddamn savages.

[Jacob]

Such a comeback.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's not. It's always been a Hawaiian thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's a wine thing.

[Jacob]

I'm seeing pictures of it pop up all over in the city.

[Jay Oakerson]

Because it's chic.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's chic.

[Jacob]

Probably cooking with Spam.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. Well, you also live in a garbage neighborhood.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. You live in a neighborhood. There's a bunch of different cultures smashed.

[Jay Oakerson]

A bunch of pieces of. And rats.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And there you rule as the rat king.

[Robert Kelly]

Everything get in your neighborhood comes with rice. Most of the food you have to eat with your right hand. No utensils. That's the grossest to me, whatever that food is. I follow some people on Instagram.

[Jay Oakerson]

Ethiopian.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. They just take a whole thing of something and flop it on the table. And there's like a fried. There's a. Like a boiled egg and all kind. And it's hot and it's gooey, and they just jam their fists into it. Like. Like four of them just start grabbing fistfuls of food and go.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're supposed to grab it with bread kind of thing, right?

[Jacob]

Yeah. I do like Ethiopian food.

[Robert Kelly]

They do it with. They do it with their fists.

[Jay Oakerson]

You like Ethiopian food?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

What's your favorite? That was my. One of my favorite old Kermes jokes. He goes, I went to an Ethiopian restaurant, which, like, I didn't know what the hell that was. He was like. I thought that was their whole problem is they don't have food. And he goes. And he. He goes. Everyone gets a wooden bowl in front of them, and then you wait for your food to be donated from a more prosperous restaurant.

[Jacob]

I only went to one, and it closed.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Maybe Brunswick.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe it's that. That's why they just throw it on the table and eat with their fists. That's the food that we gave them.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll have a fly on the eye. Soup and chapped lips. I'll have some chapped lipsticks.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, Ethiopian food. I guess that's what it is. It was. It's gross. I could never eat. Yeah. That is gr. I would never want to imagine going out to eat with a girl.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

And you both jamming your fists into a movie. A rice.

[Jay Oakerson]

I wouldn't take a girl to fan to exotic food. First date, especially that'd be hilarious.

[Robert Kelly]

I should take Don.

[Jay Oakerson]

I go fist. I go fist a plate with Christine. But that's 14 years now.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but. But grabbing food with your fist is gross, isn't it?

[Christine]

There was a girl I went to beauty school with that used to eat her lunch out of her container with her hands.

[Jay Oakerson]

What a scum. Did you report her to take her to HR and get her fired?

[Christine]

Older. I think she's an older Indian woman.

[Robert Kelly]

Everybody's hair smelled like paprika.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why didn't you. Why didn't you have her fired for being different?

[Christine]

Fired from beauty school?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Why wouldn't she? Fired from beauty school for being different.

[Robert Kelly]

Every time you're getting your facial done, you're smelling frankincense.

[Jay Oakerson]

I do kind of remember that. Let me tell you something. Yeah. The worst thing to do. Get. When I used to get my eyebrows threaded, which is Indian people. You catch them after. You got to go before lunch. You catch them after lunch because the whole thing is they put it in their mouth and they do a thing where it's like their mouth. So it's like they're right here with their mouth.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, man, I see what they're doing.

[Jacob]

They're making sure. Like, they're clumping it. There's Paco into as tight a clump of food.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they. Yeah, that's the same way. You actually hit a chick's G spot. The way they.

[Jay Oakerson]

You eat with a come hither motion.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, it's gross. You make your hand into a little scooper, but the food's hot. That's what's weird. It comes out so piping hot, and they jam their fingers in and then you hear them go like this. Because it's too hot to eat.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Like, here's the thing, too, right? He's like. He's figured out backwards hats, so he. Forks available, Right?

[Robert Kelly]

The guy has a backwards hat on the video.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's figured out jewelry.

[Robert Kelly]

Why would you teach that to a kid? Just give him a spoon.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Hey, kid, you want to learn how to eat like a fucking bum?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And hey. Shit. Sitting down to stop squatting in the front lawn.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Hey, you want to eat like you live in the fucking jungle?

[Robert Kelly]

What is that from? Why do they eat like that?

[Jay Oakerson]

Laziness. Is that because nobody wants to do dishes?

[Robert Kelly]

But is it because of. Is there a thing? Or is it just they. They just eat the way they ate before. They got spoons. They just eat the same way. Or is it a thing? Like it's better to eat with Your fist.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's not better.

[Christine]

Let's see what Google says.

[Robert Kelly]

I thought Christine was gonna answer me. Like she knew.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's cultural.

[Christine]

I was like, I'm typing. I'm typing.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sensory and traditional beliefs which are deeply rooted in practices like Ayurveda. Eating with hands is thought to create a deeper connection to the food by engagement. That's what I mean. Who needs that? I already have a weird relationship with my food. I don't want to fuck it too. I just want to eat it.

[Robert Kelly]

I wish. I would love to fuck it, you know?

[Jay Oakerson]

It's the best eating bar of Philadelphia cream cheese. We're just picking it up and letting it squish through my knuckles and then licking. And then licking my fists. I become. I'm becoming one with it.

[Jacob]

The tactile.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And then I get between my fingers. Then I. Then I eat out my finger webbing. And then I'm one with it. Like the mighty Indian.

[Jacob]

I remember reading, I. I was going down the road with some. There was some Disney movie, and it was a kid star that you would have recognized. And he made it to about 21 and then died of hepatitis A that he got in. In India.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, nice.

[Robert Kelly]

From eating.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

No. Who?

[Jacob]

I can't remember, but it was like this kid star that every. Everyone would have known it.

[Jay Oakerson]

From. Dookie food.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Dookie food is sucky. I got. I got. I got dookie food in Guatemala. When I went. Yeah, the last night I got violently sick.

[Jay Oakerson]

What kind of dookie food did you get?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know what it was.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's called dookie surprise. You just thought it was a different language. No, it was quite literal. Dookie.

[Christine]

It's the kid from Mary Poppins.

[Jacob]

Yeah. Michael from Mary Poppins died of dookie food.

[Jay Oakerson]

The only thing I feel about that.

[Jacob]

Was that poor kid, man.

[Jay Oakerson]

The only thing I feel about that was when you said, it's a child star. You recognize him? I don't.

[Jacob]

Mary Poppins.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but it's.

[Jay Oakerson]

I mean, I've seen Mary Poppins since I was 4.

[Jacob]

I know.

[Jay Oakerson]

44 years ago.

[Robert Kelly]

Even when you saw it, it wasn't the original. It wasn't like in movies. It was a fucking. It was like the Brady Bunch.

[Jacob]

There's only one Mary Poppins movie.

[Robert Kelly]

No, there's two.

[Jacob]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

I made one myself.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it stars me, Lewis and Bobby.

[Christine]

I got mad. I was like, they remade Mary Poppins. I mean, they're going to.

[Robert Kelly]

Of course they will. It should be Indian. She won't have an umbrella. She have a fucking Plate of food that spins over her head.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I bet it's done in Indian. Yeah, Indian have remade things. For sure.

[Robert Kelly]

That's one with superhero movies. They made Superman. Superman and Superwoman. It's so hilarious. The superhero movies that Indian people make. I actually like Indian movies. Like the action movies they make. Like, Rrr was a pretty.

[Jay Oakerson]

What is that?

[Robert Kelly]

It's a. It's an action movie. Indian action movie. Rrr. Rrr.

[Jay Oakerson]

What is it?

[Robert Kelly]

It's.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't like the way your mouth has to move to say it.

[Robert Kelly]

Rrr.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. You have to lean into it.

[Robert Kelly]

Rrr. Like it's Superman. But it's super. The chat. The. This s on the front of his chest goes over his whole torso in the front. Look it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Super, super, super, super.

[Robert Kelly]

The outfit doesn't fit him, though. You can see up his shorts.

[Jacob]

Here's a belly. A little bit of a belly.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, there's no. There's no shredded Indians. And they always have to go into a dance.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's Bollywood, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Spider girl who does not wear a mask.

[Robert Kelly]

But look how big the chest this s on his chest is.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby. There's licensing issues. You understand? Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

This is RR This. They make good action movies. If you can sit through the subtitles and the dancing.

[Jay Oakerson]

I can't. I won't.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't like the dancing?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, they do.

[Robert Kelly]

Not that much dancing in this.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm going down the list today. I've already denounced Hawaiians, Indians. You're next.

[Robert Kelly]

Watch the. The action in these movies is nuts.

[Jay Oakerson]

We have to describe it.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It's. This is Rrr.

[Jay Oakerson]

India's biggest action drama.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh. Oh. They take the girl.

[Jay Oakerson]

You buy something or you get out of store.

[Robert Kelly]

He's fighting a tiger.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's always a tiger.

[Robert Kelly]

Of course there is. And this is cool because they're all going in, trying to attack the military camp. And one. They send one guy out to fight them all.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Watch. They send one guy with a.

[Jay Oakerson]

Who is running the 7 11.

[Robert Kelly]

A really big. He's shredded, though. He's pretty shredded for a guy who.

[Jay Oakerson]

Runs a 7 11.

[Robert Kelly]

Sure.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know if I believe it. Rrr.

[Robert Kelly]

Rrr.

[Jay Oakerson]

Finally.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's finally an indie movie I can sink my teeth into.

[Jacob]

I did see a good one too. It's called Kill. It's all set on a train. And this guy just has to kill everyone on the train because it was taken over by terrorists.

[Jay Oakerson]

You need a girlfriend. You guys start getting road pussy. That's all I'm hearing right now.

[Jacob]

Yes. And yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you, Jay. We've been waiting for you to say it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Guys, I don't like what I'm hearing out of the both of you. Major life changes coming today.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You ruined a marriage, but you made a friendship better.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll be sleeping in your backyard under your palapa.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's okay. Not today. Today it's soaked. Because there's a nor' easter here, apparently.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I wish I. If there was any place. I think Buffalo and Rochester have the hottest chicks.

[Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

With. With no hope.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what I mean. Which I love.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Because they're cool. It brings you down. You know, when you go down to, like, you go to LA or you go to these, you know, Austin dreams, they. They. They're just like, you know, they're looking. They have. It was called self esteem.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And I'm for sure. And I'm too old to take the time to crush a girl's dreams again.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Or to pick them up and then throw them off a building.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Dump a chick's dream. But in Buffalo, they just.

[Jay Oakerson]

Christine was my last attempt at being able to crush someone's dreams. I'm too old to start that over.

[Robert Kelly]

You succeeded.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And you deserve a medal.

[Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. Absolutely. She moved here to be an actress.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh out loud.

[Christine]

I'm a stage actress.

[Robert Kelly]

Like, I've met a lot of hot chicks in Buffalo. Buffalo is a good one. I think Buffalo's a little better than Rochester.

[Jay Oakerson]

A lot of girls, bigger city.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. A lot of girls were like, wow, man. I'd marry you if I could see.

[Jay Oakerson]

What you look like out of thermal underwear and full body snow suit. It's winter. There's eight months a year. I would marry the shittiest place.

[Robert Kelly]

I would marry you, and then you'd come to New York with me, and.

[Jay Oakerson]

Then you'd Godfrey and leave me that old classic story.

[Robert Kelly]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Mental Health. And being healthy is very important. Not only is it important for yourself, it's important for your relationships. My relationship with family members over the years has gotten so much better, and it makes me happy. My son has a better life because of therapy, because I talk to somebody, because I got the stuff out. He can have a healthier life, too. World Mental Health Day is October this year, and BetterHelp is shining the spotlight on therapists, people who truly make the world a better place. Because the right therapist can change everything. I know this because I got one betterhelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct. They're fully licensed in the US Going to get matched up with a therapist that is right for you and focuses on your therapy goals. And if you're not happy with your match, just switch to a different therapist at any time. This World Mental Health Day, we're celebrating the therapists who' helped millions of people take a step forward. If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can help you start that journey. Our listeners get 10% off their first [e-mail] Bonfire. That's B E T T E R h e l p.com bonfire hey neighbor.

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[Jay Oakerson]

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[Jay Oakerson]

So your weekend was good?

[Robert Kelly]

Weekend was great. Got home yesterday, you know, it was all. All good. Celebrated our anniversary 18 years yesterday. Yeah, it was a long time, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

18 years married.

[Robert Kelly]

We've been. Known each other 30, but we've been married for 18. Wow.

[Jay Oakerson]

It is a long time.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a long time to know a chick.

[Jay Oakerson]

I wouldn't have guessed it was that long.

[Christine]

Been married for 18 years.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Why do you say it like that? I just thought. I thought.

[Christine]

I thought you got married more recently than that. Like, I thought, I guess you had just gotten married when I met you.

[Robert Kelly]

I started loving her recently. Like, I. We're married, right? We got married, yeah. 18 years ago. It's crazy. We were together for a long time. We moved to the city. Well, she. I moved to New York, then she moved to LA. I wound up staying with her in LA in the 90s, and then we moved back to New York in 2001.

[Jay Oakerson]

The roar in 2000?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Right after September 11th. We came back.

[Jay Oakerson]

Disgusting. You knew you were gonna get a good deal because there was just terrorism. Oh, you opportunistic son of a bitch.

[Christine]

He moved here at the same time.

[Jay Oakerson]

I had to.

[Christine]

That was his exact move in date.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I told. I gave it. This is the funny part. I gave Don the option in la. Cause that's when Patrice, he's the one who told me I was in LA for two years and he stayed with me. And he literally was like, bobby, you gotta leave. You gotta get out of la. I was like, why? I was cooking him chicken. I was barbecuing chicken. He goes, you need to get the fuck back to New York right now. I was like, why? He goes, this is the best barbecue chicken I've ever had in my fucking life. You're a cook.

[Jay Oakerson]

You have too much time.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. He goes, I haven't seen you in the clubs. At all since I've been here. But this is the best chicken I've ever had in my life. And I literally moved under two months. I. I was like, he's right. I was cooking, dude. I was watching Food Network and waking up in the middle of the night and making pies.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Middle of the night pies.

[Robert Kelly]

Middle of the night pies, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

For who?

[Robert Kelly]

For me.

[Jay Oakerson]

Was.

[Robert Kelly]

I think.

[Christine]

Was that the first fat?

[Robert Kelly]

No, that was the. That was the fourth fat. That was the fourth or fifth fat.

[Jay Oakerson]

When you were making midnight pie.

[Robert Kelly]

Midnight pies.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby's midnight pies should start a little window.

[Robert Kelly]

It was so bad. That's when the Food Network was starting to, you know, be a thing. I was watching Emerald and I think Rachel Ray and all these other things, and I was just cooking back then. Oh, I would go to the. I would go to the grocery store and get all the fixings and then come back and experiment, and Don hated it because I was a slob and.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, so you'd make it. But everything was everywhere.

[Robert Kelly]

Everything was everywhere. But I would.

[Jay Oakerson]

You were just about. Finished product.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, finished product. Which wasn't that good too, you know, except for my chicken. 5, 5, 4, 4, 3, 3, 2, 2, 1. One on each side. Perfect chicken. Yeah, perfect chicken. Perfect steak. And. Yeah, I moved back. We. And I gave her the option. I go, hey, I'm moving back to New York. I'm out. This fucking town is not for me. I'm going back to.

[Jay Oakerson]

I hate you. Clean this up.

[Jacob]

Bye.

[Robert Kelly]

I was like, listen, you can. You can come with me if you want, or you can go back to Boston and I'll let you know when I find a place and maybe, you know. So the plan was she was going to go back to Boston and live with her parents and then maybe come live with me after I got a spot because it was going to be too hard. But she was like, I'll just go with you. And I was like, all right.

[Jay Oakerson]

Fuck.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know if I was like, fuck, but I think you have a.

[Jay Oakerson]

Few more months to dunk your doodle and some fucking New York strange.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I dunk my doodle for the.

[Jay Oakerson]

Next couple of years and it's New York strange.

[Robert Kelly]

I was a fucking piece of shit. Yeah, that's when I was a piece of shit.

[Jay Oakerson]

Like, but you looked great.

[Robert Kelly]

I look fantastic. God damn it. When I Back. When I came back from la, boy, did you look great. God damn it, did I have a good time. And then she caught me. Oh, that was the worst.

[Jay Oakerson]

What a Snoop.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I agree.

[Jay Oakerson]

It really is Snoop.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it was. It was other girls.

[Jay Oakerson]

Huh?

[Robert Kelly]

It was other girls or girl? Other girls were the ones that fucking ratted me out. Oh, it was Heather from the Cellar. Remember? Remember David Letterman teeth Heather?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

She had the big space between her teeth. She was hot until she smiled.

[Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely.

[Robert Kelly]

And then you heard laser.

[Jay Oakerson]

You could fit a stack of note cards in there.

[Robert Kelly]

And then I left my cell phone at the Cellar. Flip phone. You know, I'm always ahead of the curve. Motorola flip phone with video and photo. First phone. The word first one with video and photo.

[Jay Oakerson]

And you left it.

[Robert Kelly]

And I left my phone, you fool, at the cell to drive these dancers, these Vegas dancers back to Long Island. Not knowing Long Island, I forgot about the word long. I swear to God, I thought Long island was like 20 minutes away. I was like, I'll give you a ride. And I rode them all back to Long island, and one of them lived on the tip. So it took me. It took me. It was so late, dude. And the one. The one I wanted to go with, I should have dropped her off first, but I had to. I had to drop her friend, you know what I mean? It was just the time, it didn't work. So I wound up dropping her off last. But it was so far away, and I had to go down and then back up and then back down. It was a nightmare. And I remember. I remember, I go. At one point, I went, fuck. And she was like, what? I go, I forgot my phone at the Cellar. And I go, give me your phone. And that's before you had a call? Like, yeah, you had to call like, zero. Hey, can I have the number for the comedy seller? And they would give you the number. And I was like, what's the number? And I called and it was Heather, who was the manager. She goes, oh. Oh, what's up? Oh, your girlfriend has it. I go, what? What? She goes, oh, yeah, somebody was calling. It kept ringing, so I answered it. I go, you answered my phone? She goes, yeah. And it was. I guess it was Dawn. And she was like, who's this? She thought you were with me. And I was like, oh, it's the manager of the Cellar. And she goes, where's Bobby? He goes, oh, he left a while ago. Ugh. And Don went, hold that phone. I'll be right there. This bitch did.

[Jay Oakerson]

This isn't password protected phones. This is. Just open your phone.

[Robert Kelly]

There's your old phone. There is no piece of button on that phone. And then this is the worst part. Her friend who Lived upstairs. When she got the phone, she went upstairs to her all up. And then she was like, where's his computer?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, geez.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And they found taxes. Taxes, 1996. Taxes, 1996 folder.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, it wasn't taxes.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I should have known. I should have called it video game file. Something I do. I don't have.

[Jay Oakerson]

T. Was that before people knew, Like, I don't really.

[Robert Kelly]

It's like having Wall Street Journal file.

[Jacob]

What are you.

[Robert Kelly]

That's it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I can't think if I've ever had much, like, math practice file on your computer.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude, I had.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't think I've ever had, like, scary stuff hiding on my computer.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I went to Brazil twice. There was a lot of stuff on there.

[Christine]

Is that like people emailing you pictures and you saved them? Like, it was before it was texting pictures.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it was a lot of things. Yeah, I mean, I was in a couple.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was a lot of things.

[Christine]

Did you save. Do you, like, download, like, AOL chats?

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no, no. It was. No, no. It was just photos and videos. And I remember. It was so. I remember on the. I had an opportunity to just go, look, I gotta go. But I didn't, dude. Because I wanted to get that vj. Let me tell you something. It was worth it. Holy. This girl gave great head in hindsight. And I remember I went home and I was in. I. We always. We were in a doorman building. So we always left our door unlocked. And I would just come in. And I remember I got to the door and it was locked. And I was like. And then I heard it was five in the morning and it was locked. And I'm like. And then I heard ding. Our floor elevator. That ding. And I just saw her with my computer, my other computer and my phone and her tears. And she went, you fucking. And then she said something that really changed my life.

[Jay Oakerson]

She goes, you are too into technology.

[Robert Kelly]

She goes, you did your own taxes.

[Jay Oakerson]

I gotta be a fucking hacker to find you doing anything.

[Robert Kelly]

She did. She goes, you're a fucking. This really affected me. She goes, you're a fucking serial killer. It's like you're a serial killer because I had all these trophies. No, I had a lot of trophies.

[Jay Oakerson]

It still.

[Robert Kelly]

I really did.

[Jay Oakerson]

Wait, wait, wait. Trophies?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I had hair. No, I had a keychain made of piercings.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're talking about pictures. You're talking about pictures.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, trophies, face, trophy.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's not. That's.

[Jacob]

Are.

[Jay Oakerson]

You are. Is it like, all the same? Like, you make Is the girl always, like, nervous and, like, harsh white lighting? I mean, a picture she didn't want to take.

[Robert Kelly]

I made them all dress in blackface.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then you're just talking about a girl. You're talking about a girl letting you take a picture of herself.

[Robert Kelly]

They're all in kabuki makeup and black face.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And lined up and scared.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

They're all in the same position.

[Jay Oakerson]

Harsh lighting.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Like, they're all like this, like. But Bobby, don't call me that. Now, now, now.

[Robert Kelly]

They all had Don's clothes on. I would travel with Don's dresses and shirts.

[Jay Oakerson]

Then you beat them in them. You give them the beatings you can't give Dawn.

[Robert Kelly]

They were all in Dawn's wedding out. No, no. Well, it was, it was.

[Jay Oakerson]

See, I like, in arguments over reactions like that, though, you're like a serial killer. It makes me immediately go from like, oh, no, no. To go like, relax, like, serial killer.

[Robert Kelly]

It broke my heart. My heart crushed. I, I it me up so bad because it was. I'm an addict.

[Jay Oakerson]

You had to go out and kill.

[Robert Kelly]

I had to go. I had to. No, I had to go. No, I, I, he goes left that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Night to go walk around and think. Got some while I was out.

[Robert Kelly]

But we sat on the kitchen floor and cried. We sat on this kitchen and cried all morning.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is that true?

[Robert Kelly]

The sun came up. Yeah. I was sad, man. I love Dawn. I love her. You can laugh. It's all right.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know it is real and it is also funny. We sat on the floor.

[Robert Kelly]

We sat on the. We just sat and we're talking and sat on the kitchen floor and cried. And then I remember, she, you have nobody. You have nothing. And that's why. Because you can't connect to humans. I really do. I hope you die alone with a rat in your house. He will.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's another laugh for another time, Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

And that's the problem when you open up on the bonfire.

[Jay Oakerson]

Go on.

[Robert Kelly]

I will.

[Jay Oakerson]

How are you sitting? What was your floor sit?

[Robert Kelly]

I was, I was, I couldn't sit like her.

[Jay Oakerson]

Was she back against the wall, knees bent so she can keep putting her forehead in her knees cry?

[Robert Kelly]

She was back between, on the wall between the fridge and the stove. I was on the front of the stove.

[Jay Oakerson]

I would be. Jesus Christ. I would be a. I would be a problem in that situation, especially sitting the floor. Like, I have to move. So she'd be getting annoyed when we're having this deep emotional conversation. And then I'd, like, switch and, like, Go like on my side like this for a while.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And you'd be like.

[Jay Oakerson]

And after a while, I'm at the sit Indian style. Then my legs are gonna go to sleep and I go, it's not you. Yeah, it's not you. I just gotta punch my legs a little bit. No, no. I'm actually. I'm taking this very seriously, but it just honestly got my legs dead.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe like this. Hey, can we switch? Can I get in the front of friggin. I'm a little peckish from all this crying.

[Jay Oakerson]

What if I lay on my back and put my legs up against the wall? Okay. I'm gonna be looking at you upside down, but I swear to God, I'm taking this seriously. I swear to God. Okay. What?

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, can you grab me the Wheat Thins? They're right. Right above your crying head.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. No, she didn't mean anything. Why do you think that anyways, babe? Why do you think that?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, here. I never. She never asked me what happened. She knew what happened. But we.

[Jay Oakerson]

She did gave them deep dickens, dude. She said, splitting them in half. She didn't ask.

[Robert Kelly]

At the end, she goes, what? Well, here's. Here's what. Here's the deal. You need to get help. You need to deal with this, and if. And I'll. I'll help you. I'll help you deal with it, and I'll be here for you if you can help it, or it's over. We got to walk away. And I went, let me get two days. Give me a couple days. Because I don't know if I'm. I might. I might just. I don't know if this might just be me. And I went to every single friend, all Norton, Voss, Dane at the time, Patrice. And they all said, let her. Patrice. He's like, bobby, you're a hunk of. Let her go. Just let her go.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's what I would have said.

[Robert Kelly]

She's a good person. I know you would have.

[Jay Oakerson]

You didn't ask me.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't ask you at that time because you were open micro.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'd have been like. She said. She told me.

[Robert Kelly]

Ask him, open mic, what he thinks about relationships.

[Jay Oakerson]

I would have been like this. I'd have been like. I would have been like, wait, she told you. It can be over.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, fat kid dressed like a black guy who does 10 minutes in front of me. What do you think I should do with my relationship?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, man. Let a be a man play. Gonna be a play. That's. Tell her if I was you. I was Being. I was being 1999. Jay. Oh, play it. Come on, man. You know what it is.

[Robert Kelly]

Shut up. I. The only person was Colin. Colin. I asked him and he. He had just gone through this, by the way, because he was married. People know. People know that McCallum was married to another woman. And. And it fell apart same way.

[Jay Oakerson]

And he got his dick sucked by a dancer from Long Island.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no.

[Jay Oakerson]

Dawn caught him.

[Robert Kelly]

Not as good as that.

[Jay Oakerson]

He goes, don caught him on your computer.

[Robert Kelly]

He was wearing Don's dress.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now, I guess he got caught the same way by dawn to know, by Heather.

[Robert Kelly]

Heather ratted him out too. You fucking buck tooth bitch. Oh, what an asshole she is.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, that girl, really. She could have eaten a sandwich through a fence.

[Robert Kelly]

She don't. Anyways, so Don, Colin said, he goes, this is what you do. You try. Go to therapy, find a therapist, try to deal with. This is. This is your addiction. This is. Instead of drinking and drugging right now. You're just doing this because you need to escape. You need to get away and you need. If you. If you care about her. And I was like, I do. I really do. I love her as a human and blah, blah, blah, give it eight months. And if you can't change in eight months, you walk away because you can't. But if you don't do this with.

[Jay Oakerson]

Eight months, it's arbitrary. I don't know, two thirds of a year.

[Robert Kelly]

So give it eight months. You might have been six months to eight months. He said, give it a little time, whatever. And he goes. And in. At least if you do it that way and you're still a piece of. And you're still cheating, you know, it doesn't. It wasn't meant to work out. But if you don't do this and you just leave, you'll regret it for the rest of your life because he just left.

[Jay Oakerson]

And that's when you and he.

[Robert Kelly]

He was like, I regret it. I regret it to this day. I up. I should have tried because he's married now. Well, then he met Jen after that.

[Jay Oakerson]

So he doesn't regret it.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, he doesn't now.

[Jay Oakerson]

Thought he regretted it.

[Robert Kelly]

He doesn't now, but he did regret it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do you think he thinks now that being with this girl currently is the wrong move?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

Does he look at her every day and go, I shouldn't have it up with that other one? No, but I think that would be awful.

[Robert Kelly]

He did for a minute. You know what I mean? And yeah, in hindsight, I guess he, you know, you meant to be with who you meant to be with. But I did it. I went to therapy. We talked and all that shit, and we worked it out. Now, was I flosser to keep her? It's not. It's so funny because it's. I found. I have an AA big book that I have, and I had. I. I got rid of everything. I literally deleted everything in front of her.

[Jay Oakerson]

You have a what book?

[Robert Kelly]

I have. I have a Alcoholics Anonymous big book.

[Jay Oakerson]

What's that mean?

[Robert Kelly]

It's a big book. It's a big book. It's the big book of alcohol, the story of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's a book you read when you get sober. They have the 12 steps in the big book. And so anyways, I had my big book, but in my big book, I kept a couple of the book, the photos, you know what I mean? Just in case old cereal, old Dexter needed to look at some blood samples again. Yeah, right.

[Jay Oakerson]

What are they, Polaroids?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude, I'm old. And.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, dude, this is the 2000s.

[Robert Kelly]

This is up. So we get two years later, maybe three years later, we get into a big fight. Huge fight at the table, something like that. I don't know. The meatloaf was off. And some stupid fight, and I flipped. I was like, what the fuck? And I flipped the meatloaf for some. I'm just being an idiot. We get into a fight. She said something I said, and she goes, oh, yeah, I want to flip.

[Jay Oakerson]

Christine's meatloaf so bad.

[Robert Kelly]

She goes, oh, yeah, you.

[Jay Oakerson]

At least.

[Robert Kelly]

I was fucking with her about. I was fucking with her about some guy that she was. I was just busting her balls. I was busting her balls about some dude she was talking to or something. I guess she went and met somebody, like an old friend for coffee. And I was like, you went for coffee?

[Jay Oakerson]

Let it happen. You can't complain about any of that stuff forever.

[Robert Kelly]

I know, but I did, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

Christine can go out and goes, hey, all of my ex boyfriends and a couple of guys, I want to fuck with me or go to a concert, I'd go, yeah, man. What fucking leg do I have to stand on? I'm like, I hope you have a great night. Call me when it's over. Whatever's over.

[Robert Kelly]

But we got in this big fight and she flipped out. She goes, oh, yeah, you motherfucker. Yeah, at least I don't have. And she went right to the big book. She owned the shelf tucked away, which I thought was safe, and she just dumps out. What's this? You Fucking freak. And it was just all these tits.

[Jay Oakerson]

And shit, and in your head you heard like, dexter.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, shit, dude. Ah, shit, dude. Shit.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no. She knows now.

[Robert Kelly]

Now I'm gonna have to fuck her.

[Jay Oakerson]

Think quick, Bob.

[Robert Kelly]

Think quick. And I just sat there and I was like. I didn't know they were there, but I found so funny.

[Jay Oakerson]

I was born in blood, dude.

[Christine]

The book you read every day.

[Robert Kelly]

I had no idea I was born in blood. The book that keeps me sober.

[Christine]

The one book in your house you read.

[Robert Kelly]

What a piece of.

[Christine]

I mean, you literally could have hid them anywhere else.

[Jay Oakerson]

I just had Christine order me. I sent Christina listing this week for the Allen Iverson book. A book. I haven't opened a book since the day I've met Christine. It would make more sense if I got that. To hide pictures of other women in. She's like, oh, is this another picture? I go, no, I think I want to find out about Allen Anderson's life. No, I'm going to own the book. I want the hard copy, and then I'm going to listen to it on audiobook.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, here's the problem is. Here's the problem is that I found that book today.

[Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I found the book today, and in the book were still three Polaroids of tits.

[Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nice. Who's tits anyone? Fun?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. Yes, you do, buddy. I swear to God, I almost asked.

[Jay Oakerson]

Dawn, a young ingenue, Yamaneika.

[Robert Kelly]

I swear to God, I almost asked.

[Jay Oakerson]

Fresh on the scene Yamaneika when you preyed on her weakness. Her young girl weakness.

[Robert Kelly]

I need to get her. All right, Bobby, I show you these cans. I need to get her something special. I do. Yeah, I gotta get her, you know what?

[Jay Oakerson]

Some Polaroids of some dudes.

[Robert Kelly]

I need to get a diamond bracelet, like a tennis bracelet.

[Jacob]

That worked. Bobby, as you were reading, Christine's already picking out jewelry on the website.

[Robert Kelly]

How much is it? Can you get me one for like a thou? Is there any. For a thou or 15 or 2? How much should I buy? What do you think I should get her? Christine, there's a.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's a piece of. For 500 bucks.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, what do I know? I want to spend like a thousand or two thousand. How much, Christine? Can you raise a eyebrow? I want to hit the number. That's good. Please, I'm.

[Christine]

Look, I'm trying to think because Jay got me one, but I don't know what it is because he picked. He actually picked it out.

[Robert Kelly]

Really? How much was it, Jay?

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't Want to get involved in that?

[Robert Kelly]

Did you get it From I hate stevensinger.com? you did?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

How much is it? How much is that?

[Jay Oakerson]

It was a couple years ago now.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

How much? I'm not doing five grand.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think it's up. Up. I think it's that one right there.

[Jacob]

There's a 10.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think it's that one.

[Robert Kelly]

How much is it? How much is that one? I'll do that one. I'll do that one. That's nice.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's pretty sure it's what I got.

[Robert Kelly]

I gotta get it. I'm gonna get her it.

[Christine]

I think so. Because I do think that mine isn't the same size all across. Yeah, I think it has some.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me get the same size all across. Let me know. Let me not gyp her.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, it's not a jip. It's the shape.

[Robert Kelly]

I know. I just. I just want to make them all those big.

[Jay Oakerson]

You know what?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't want small ones. Too big.

[Jay Oakerson]

I agree.

[Robert Kelly]

All big.

[Jay Oakerson]

I agree. There's one all biggies right there.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, right.

[Christine]

Big.

[Robert Kelly]

How much is that?

[Jay Oakerson]

Crank it up. Six grand.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no, no, no. Let's go a little small.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's fine. No, that's all the same size. Oh, you want them all the same size, but the smaller ones.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. No, the medium. Let's do medium. Let's do medium. Look it. I though I would have gone to that one.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. It's so humiliating. She's lowering the price on the filter. Oh, my God. This humiliating.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, God. She doesn't want you to fall in love with one that costs more. She has no belief and. Oh, my God, this is embarrassing. I hate being a part of this.

[Robert Kelly]

I want a thousand.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you should go lab grown, dude. Go lab grown.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't want lab grown.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're lab grown.

[Robert Kelly]

You're a lab grown. I'm gonna do a lab grown. Christine, get me 3,000. I want a 3,000 and up. Put that back in. Put 3,000 up. Stephen, you listen and cut me a deal.

[Jay Oakerson]

Get rid of the zero.

[Robert Kelly]

Get rid of the zero.

[Jay Oakerson]

Move the zero over to 3,000. So the girl's never filtered anything before.

[Robert Kelly]

There you go. What's that one? What's that one? The first one? Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Robert Kelly]

She's doing it nice.

[Jay Oakerson]

She's doing it wrong, Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

I like that.

[Jay Oakerson]

She didn't search right.

[Robert Kelly]

That's nice right there. I like that one.

[Jay Oakerson]

She's not. Is it.

[Robert Kelly]

How many. What is that? How many carrots?

[Jay Oakerson]

Two.

[Robert Kelly]

Two Carrots. Is that good? You said it's stupid.

[Christine]

Actually really nice.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll get that one. Send it to me. I'm buying it for right now.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's under three grand.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna get that three grand. Look at.

[Jay Oakerson]

Wait, it's got one review. See what the review says.

[Robert Kelly]

It says tit sucks.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a good review. This thing sucks. Push present by me.

[Robert Kelly]

What's a push present?

[Christine]

When one woman gives birth present from the husband.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, she did give birth to our new relationship when she accepted me back after being a piece of serial killer.

[Christine]

And to your son.

[Jay Oakerson]

That was years ago.

[Robert Kelly]

And to my son. That's right. And I had a child.

[Christine]

Did you get her a gift when she pushed out Max?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, a apartment in Manhattan on 47th Street.

[Christine]

That's for the family, not for her.

[Robert Kelly]

Fuck. What do you mean family? She got a house. Didn't have to pay.

[Jay Oakerson]

Home.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's a home.

[Jay Oakerson]

We're at home.

[Robert Kelly]

And then I got her another house, and then another house, and then a small house.

[Jay Oakerson]

So many houses.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna get her. I'll get her that. Send that to me. I'm gonna buy it for. She deserves it. Right? Right. Jay, Jay, Jay.

[Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

Does she deserve it?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Huh?

[Jay Oakerson]

Wait, did you want to fuck this weekend?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, then yeah, she deserves it.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. Oh, if I give it to him, I'm gonna have to fucking.

[Jay Oakerson]

Ooh.

[Robert Kelly]

Ooh.

[Jay Oakerson]

It is a little romantic. You might want to think that through. Yeah, get her period panties, but like a month's worth.

[Christine]

Or your wife.

[Jacob]

Or.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait a second. What are you saying? No, I'm gonna get one of those things. I don't know your wife. I'm gonna get one of those things that gives her better posture.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, get her back brace.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll get her a back brace that posters his shoulders.

[Jay Oakerson]

There you go.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, I did get that for a birthday once.

[Jay Oakerson]

I like that she's still mad at me. Hey, fix your posture.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey. Hey. Hey, you hunched over old fucking broad.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I notice you hold the. I notice that you hold the countertops a lot. So I got you this cane for the house, but just for the house. You don't have to embarrass yourself. And I already cut tennis balls and put them on all the bottoms.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, if you lie on the floor and put your head on this, it will fix that little bump on the back of your neck. Hey, this is. Hey, put this on your forehead. This will fix that high forehead you grabbed.

[Jay Oakerson]

We'll fix that fucking hunch you got there.

[Robert Kelly]

Kiddo yeah, well, I. I'm gonna get her that. You're right. She deserves it. She deserves it, right?

[Christine]

I mean, if I deserved one, then she definitely.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. You let it go down. Ah, God deserves it. She deserves it, right? No, she doesn't. You're saying she did. Jacob, does she deserve it?

[Jacob]

Absolutely. She watched you cry for on the kitchen floor, and she stuck on the.

[Robert Kelly]

Kitchen floor with you when you cried.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby bawling on a kitchen floor when he just got back from getting his.

[Robert Kelly]

Dick sucked so good.

[Jay Oakerson]

Dude, at some point, when you. At some point. At some point when he moved around, his jizz froze to his. From his dickhole to his underwear and he moves around and at one point while you're crying, you went, ah, that little thing stuck.

[Robert Kelly]

Ooh, ooh, sorry.

[Jay Oakerson]

He goes, no, no, babe, don't get mad. That's from the old me.

[Robert Kelly]

What'd you say?

[Jay Oakerson]

That's from the before I cried times.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Christine]

I just don't know how.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm like ball and bob.

[Christine]

You talked to Heather? You knew dawn had your phone?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I should have just went home.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I just don't know how she just stayed along.

[Christine]

I don't know how you're able to, like, get through the blow job without just, like, being in your head.

[Robert Kelly]

It was top three blowjobs of my life.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I knew you didn't know that going in. Oh, you had a feeling.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my Lord, did I have a feeling.

[Jay Oakerson]

Feeling. Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

And she dolevo it was worth this tennis brazen. She was. Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

She was a little sick.

[Robert Kelly]

She was a little stupid. A little crazy. Yeah, she was a dancer in Vegas.

[Jacob]

And then you went, I can't believe I got blown.

[Jay Oakerson]

The whole time I was looking at the top of her head, I was thinking about you, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

I called on dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Always.

[Jacob]

I thought she sucked me off really.

[Robert Kelly]

Good, but I guess not. It was worse.

[Jay Oakerson]

Top three for sure, dude. But your love is number one, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

If only you could suck my dick like her, I wouldn't have to do this. Dude. Dude, well, look now. Now, you know, look, every relationship you. You know, I mean, I love Dawn. I love her so much. You know what I mean?

[Jay Oakerson]

But are you selling on me? You really work the room. And he goes, I love Dawn. Right? You guys see that?

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Comes through, right?

[Robert Kelly]

I wonder. I do wonder. I do wonder if at that time when we were going through all this, you know, because I. Look, it wasn't. It wasn't like. It wasn't a relationship. You know what I mean? It was all Just sex. It was all like. I was paying for sex. I was going to massage. It was an addiction. It was stupid.

[Jay Oakerson]

Driving 2 hours Long island to get your wieners sucked.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a long island, dude. I didn't know it was that long. Very long island, my Lord.

[Jacob]

It's worth it though, wasn't it? Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, son. It was worth the tears, the blood, sweat and jizz.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll tell you what. Knowing that you were driving home to a nightmare, though, also keeps you awake on that ride home. Wow. So you don't have to worry about being middle of the night and like not be. You were wide awake, windows down. You were like, fuck. I bet at some point even put on music and said, fuck it, man. What are you gonna do? Life is life. You had no idea that. You have no idea that later on you were gonna be fucking sobbing in a floor of a kitchen.

[Robert Kelly]

I had no phone too. You know what I mean? If I wanted to call her, it'd have to be like a payphone.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Robert Kelly]

There was no. There was no way to get in touch with her.

[Jay Oakerson]

So just listen to music and enjoy your post. Blowjob mind.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I had to drive home in her car.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jesus.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm kidding. Christine. It was our car. Mostly hers, though. She had the credit.

[Jay Oakerson]

Understood. Understood.

[Christine]

No, but yeah, my car's our car too.

[Robert Kelly]

It was. Look, we all go through what we have to go through.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, if I leave you, Christina, if you know my history. If I leave you, you get a car. So that seems to be my MO.

[Robert Kelly]

More than that.

[Christine]

My car's a lease.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but I'll be covering that lease.

[Robert Kelly]

You're a lease? Jay's leasing Christine lease her. I bought Dawn. But you. You had a crazy weekend.

[Jay Oakerson]

I did.

[Robert Kelly]

You did. Right.

[Jay Oakerson]

Should I start telling it? Six minutes break now.

[Robert Kelly]

We gotta go. We got the second half. Now here's a. I love when Jay calls me, goes, I'll talk to you on Monday.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I texted you.

[Robert Kelly]

He texted me.

[Jay Oakerson]

I just had the weirdest. Yeah, I had a long week last week. Very long week.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then a long weekend also. Well, long weekend.

[Robert Kelly]

This would sucked is opening up on this show just cost me three grand. I should have just kept my fat mouth shut and let you get to your story. God, you love that $3,000.

[Jay Oakerson]

I. All I said was, how was Rochester? Somehow we ended there.

[Robert Kelly]

Because you have a very nice voice and it makes me open up and, you know, soothing. It's ridiculous.

[Jay Oakerson]

I like to soothe you. Bobby Kelly's gonna be bringing his smooth voice to The Basani Comedy Theater in Port Charlotte, Florida this weekend, October 17th and 18th. After that, Tampa, Florida, Emmaus, Pennsylvania. And then of course, New Orleans for Skank Fest. For tickets and all of his tour dates go to punch up.live Robert Kelly. Check out his YouTube ch. YouTube.com/at Robert Kelly Comedy. You can catch him every Tuesday night. The Fat Black Pussycat Lounge, the Comedy Cellar 7pm Show.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Big J's gonna be in D.C. at the Improv this weekend. One of the greatest clubs in the country, I've heard. October 16th and the 18th. After that, he's gonna be in Pasadena, Austin, Tampa, New Orleans for Skank Fest. For tickets and all the tour dates, please go to bigjay comedy.com and then go to YouTube.com bigjokerson and then go get his double Adam. Is it out? You can order it now. Is it pre order, Pre order? Pre order right now. They them is available right now for pre order on vinyl. BigJ. Comedy.com is the place to get it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I have to sign. They sent me today. Yeah, I have to sign. I thought it was wrong. I thought it was like. I don't know why I thought we're doing like 50 limited edition thing. I have to sign 500 of those drawings of that cock holding a gun.

[Robert Kelly]

Hilarious.

[Jay Oakerson]

500.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you find the original?

[Jay Oakerson]

I didn't look.

[Robert Kelly]

You look. Let me have it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll give it to you if I do.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me have it in the album. Signed.

[Jay Oakerson]

I told you Wayne was listening and he said he will not be giving me that.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Jay Oakerson]

Just gangster.

[Robert Kelly]

What a piece of shit.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, but he goes, he goes. It'll be archived in a proper way. That art should be almost like. Sure, man. I know, I know. It's in good hands. Don't do something weird with it.

[Robert Kelly]

Follow us on SORA too. We're all on. Me and Jay are on Sora, the new AI.

[Jay Oakerson]

Am I on it?

[Robert Kelly]

You're on it.

[Jay Oakerson]

What does follow me mean?

[Robert Kelly]

That means follow you so you can. They can you. They can make AI videos of you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, follow me on so many other things before you give a shit about that. Follow me on Instagram and subscribe to my YouTube.

[Robert Kelly]

I hope Instagram and all that stuff dies. And this is the new thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

Just AI video videos of you doing fake stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

We'll be right back.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bonfire.

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[Jay Oakerson]

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