Gasms with Jim Norton

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly – Episode: Gasms with Jim Norton

Introduction

In the episode titled "Gasms with Jim Norton," aired on January 31, 2025, Robert Kelly welcomes comedian Jim Norton as a special guest host on The Bonfire, SiriusXM’s flagship show on Faction Talk, Channel 103. The episode is a blend of nostalgic reminiscences, personal anecdotes, and candid discussions, characteristic of the show's blunt and humorous style.

Revisiting the Radio Days

Jim Norton opens up about his return to the SiriusXM studios, sharing memories from his two-decade tenure.

Jim Norton [02:16]: "I feel fine. It feels like just like it always felt."

Robert Kelly [02:37]: "It was kind of sad that you had to check in though."

The hosts reminisce about the old XM studios on 57th Street, discussing former security personnel and the dynamics of their early radio days.

Robert Kelly [04:10]: "I love those studios."

Jim Norton [04:19]: "He was such a part of the early show."

Alias and Anonymity in Comedy

A significant portion of the conversation delves into Jim Norton’s use of an alias to protect his identity amid receiving numerous death threats during his radio career.

Jim Norton [06:31]: "I did that because I was getting death threats, early in the radio."

Robert Kelly [06:02]: "But now everybody has a fucking alias."

Jim explains the necessity of adopting the name "Keith" to maintain personal safety and avoid harassment from upset listeners.

Personal Relationships and Life on the Road

The duo transitions to discussing their personal lives, particularly focusing on relationships and family dynamics while on tour.

Robert Kelly [23:22]: "It's the only time I can masturbate. I am going to make love to myself Friday."

Jim Norton [26:49]: "Being on the road is nice. Having that time alone in the hotel is really nice."

They humorously share experiences about maintaining intimacy and dealing with relationship challenges while constantly traveling for shows.

Technology and Entertainment

Jim Norton and Robert Kelly explore their interactions with technology, particularly focusing on gadgets that enhance their entertainment experiences on the road.

Robert Kelly [34:03]: "I have a mini projector. Little tiny projector. It's like this big."

Jim Norton [35:22]: "I bought it. I just don't use it."

They discuss the practicality and occasional frustrations with modern tech, such as VR devices and projectors, highlighting their personal preferences and humorous mishaps.

Autograph Stories and Fan Interactions

The hosts recall memorable moments involving fan interactions and autograph collections from various events.

Robert Kelly [57:03]: "We remember you. UFC 100. And you. You saw some."

Jim Norton [58:14]: "I didn't ask you to say all that. I didn't give you a list of things to say."

Jim shares tales of his obsession with collecting signed gloves from UFC fighters, illustrating his unique approach to memorabilia and fan engagement.

Reflections on Past Shows and Future Endeavors

As the episode progresses, Jim Norton reflects on the end of his tenure with Opie and Anthony's show, expressing acceptance and contentment with moving forward.

Jim Norton [20:47]: "Things are great. They fall apart. I'm lucky we got that much time out of it."

Robert Kelly [21:07]: "Jim Norton can't save you. It's a little advice show podcast."

Jim introduces his new podcast, “Jim Norton Can Save You,” an advice show where he offers guidance to listeners, marking his evolution in the media landscape.

Personal Life and Reflections

The conversation shifts to more intimate topics, including pets, marital bliss, and personal growth.

Jim Norton [37:25]: "I enjoy it."

Robert Kelly [37:45]: "I love having a dog."

They discuss the joys and responsibilities of having pets, highlighting Jim’s Yorkie and Robert’s experiences with dog ownership, embedding humor into their heartfelt narratives.

Humorous Anecdotes and Banter

Throughout the episode, the hosts engage in lighthearted banter, sharing amusing stories and playful jabs at each other’s quirks.

Robert Kelly [41:03]: "I hope you are rushing to an accident."

Jim Norton [42:50]: "It's terrible."

Their dynamic is filled with laughter and spontaneous humor, maintaining the show's engaging and entertaining atmosphere.

Conclusion and Upcoming Projects

As the episode nears its end, Jim Norton promotes his upcoming shows and new podcast, while Robert Kelly highlights future dates and encourages listeners to tune in.

Robert Kelly [61:11]: "Make sure you check out Jim Norton. He's gonna be all over the place."

Jim concludes with gratitude towards fans and a recap of his personal and professional milestones, setting the stage for future collaborations and episodes.

Notable Quotes

• Jim Norton [06:31]: "I did that because I was getting death threats, early in the radio."

• Robert Kelly [35:22]: "I have a mini projector. Little tiny projector. It's like this big."

• Jim Norton [20:47]: "Things are great. They fall apart. I'm lucky we got that much time out of it."

Final Thoughts

"Gasms with Jim Norton" offers a blend of nostalgia, humor, and personal insights, providing listeners with an authentic glimpse into the lives of two seasoned comedians. The episode masterfully balances entertaining stories with genuine reflections, embodying the essence of The Bonfire as a space for candid and engaging conversations.

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This summary encapsulates the key discussions and memorable moments from the "Gasms with Jim Norton" episode of The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly. Whether you're a longtime listener or new to the show, this episode promises a rich blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and heartfelt reflections.

Transcript

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[Jim Norton]

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[Jim Norton]

To realize the future America needs. We understand what's needed from us to.

[Robert Kelly]

Face each threat head on. We've earned our place in the fight for our nation's future. We are marines.

[Jim Norton]

We were made for this. And now the Bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

What's up, everybody? We're back. We're back. It's the Bonfire. I'm Robert Kelly. The great big Jay Okerson is on some cruise I don't think he wants to be on right now.

[Jim Norton]

You're doing it all wrong.

[Robert Kelly]

Soaring through the.

[Jim Norton]

You're doing it wrong.

[Robert Kelly]

But I do have a very special, very special guest host back in the SiriusXM studios on faction Talk once again.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

The great James Norton is in the house.

[Jim Norton]

First of all, I don't like that you played nine minutes of that song that we've all heard 10,000 times. As I sit here languishing and you're starting the show wrong. You gotta start. Welcome to the bonfire.

[Robert Kelly]

Here you're there.

[Jim Norton]

Coming at you live. When you serious him die.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm sorry. You know what? Let's start it over. Play a little song. Here we go.

[Jim Norton]

All right, let's start over. Change back on.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me learn from the expert. 20 year pro. Go ahead.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. Hey, welcome to Bonfire. Coming at you live.

[Robert Kelly]

We're here, you're there on your serious.

[Jim Norton]

XM D.

[Robert Kelly]

Jim Norton, man.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, Bobbo.

[Robert Kelly]

What's up, buddy?

[Jim Norton]

I'm great.

[Robert Kelly]

How does it feel to be back?

[Jim Norton]

You know, it's funny, you asked me to do this and I. At first I was like, nah, I don't feel like going back to the building this soon. And then I realized like 10 minutes later, I'm like, I have no feelings about going back to the building. I'm like, yeah, I'll do it and it's fine.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Like, I didn't know if I'd be annoyed being here, like, but I'm not. I feel. I feel fine. It Feels like. Just like it always felt.

[Robert Kelly]

It was kind of sad that you had to check in though.

[Jim Norton]

What do you mean?

[Robert Kelly]

You had to check in with a lady.

[Jim Norton]

With a lady? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Up at the front. Like you've. You've walked in with your badge for what, 20 years now.

[Jim Norton]

I know. I imagine they've deactivated it as they usually do when people are not with the company. But. Yeah, that's the only minor inconvenience. But it was easier today than it has been at times where I was working here and forgot my badge. So this lady just seems to know what she's doing.

[Robert Kelly]

Forgetting your badge. There's something about forgetting your badge and having to go to the front desk.

[Jim Norton]

It's humiliating.

[Robert Kelly]

It's. You know what they did to me? They took my ID and gave it to another woman.

[Jim Norton]

I remember I was here that day.

[Robert Kelly]

Were you here that day?

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. The whole saga where he had to. You had to go and, and. And get the. To the, to the hotel. And the lady was a real about it.

[Robert Kelly]

She denied it. She denied it. And then I was in my head with conspiracies that she's going to sell it and then she's going to plan a terrorist attack with my ID and I'm going to get frames for something cuz she was working at the un.

[Jim Norton]

What are you afraid of? Bomb's going to go off in a comedy club? Come on.

[Robert Kelly]

No, you're not.

[Jim Norton]

That's what I was saying.

[Robert Kelly]

I know he's talking to you.

[Jim Norton]

You did? I had another line lined up, but.

[Robert Kelly]

I won't do it. Come on, dude, you're a. You're.

[Jim Norton]

I was gonna say. I mean they should. They would hate that. You know, it goes off. There's 30 people killed.

[Robert Kelly]

Aren't you glad you said it?

[Jim Norton]

I am. Yeah. I was. I shouldn't have doubted myself. You can do it, Jim.

[Robert Kelly]

But it's. It's crazy. You were here for how long? 20 years.

[Jim Norton]

20 years. Starting with XM, of course. On when we were in the old building on 57th.

[Robert Kelly]

I love those studios.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, me too.

[Robert Kelly]

They were the best. Who's the guy? Who's the. The security guard? There was Kenny. Master Powell, Master Poe. He was a serious guy.

[Jim Norton]

He was. And he was such a part of the early show. And I haven't. I haven't seen him in so many. It's probably been 15 years since I've seen Poe.

[Robert Kelly]

Is he still alive or did he go crazy?

[Jim Norton]

He moved. He's moved. He's doing. I'm sure. He's doing security somewhere.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he was. He was intense.

[Jim Norton]

He was.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he was really intense.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And then Kenny came in. Not so intense.

[Jim Norton]

Well, yeah, you know, I wouldn't consider Kenny a delicate flower.

[Robert Kelly]

He's not a delicate flower, but he's very.

[Jim Norton]

He's not as intense.

[Robert Kelly]

Hello?

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. The XM studios were the shit.

[Jim Norton]

They were. And we were there for. I think we came over here in 06. It was actually, I can tell you, almost. No, it's. Oh, wait, it was when I was getting sued by that lawyer. So I want to say it. Was it 06 or 08? I don't remember. It might. It was one of those. It was. We were there for maybe a year and a half, two years.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, you can sue by the. I thought that was here. I thought you had him here and you got sued.

[Jim Norton]

No, we were actually on the phone. We never had him in studio. It was on the phone, but it was, I believe, at the old studio. I just don't remember. It's been so many years.

[Robert Kelly]

That's when you started, which I. We were talking about this weekend. I hate it. The aliases.

[Jim Norton]

No, it was before that.

[Robert Kelly]

You had alias before because you. Everybody has a fucking alias at the Cellar now. Yeah, but you. But you can't get one unless you're a certain type of fame, like SD would net. So at the club, on the front board, if you look and it says, you know, Jack Wiki, you're like, who the fuck is Jack? It's probably Louie or somebody famous, right? But Jim's the one that started that. And I remember I showed up one day and I looked on the board and the name of my stepfather that used to beat me and physically abuse me.

[Jim Norton]

All right, can you dump that? Can you dump that?

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, sorry. I forgot. And I literally stopped in my tracks. I was like. Yeah. I said, Keith. And I was like, why is he here? What's happening? Because I told the story on Open.

[Jim Norton]

Anthony, and you told me his name, and then that became my fake name at the Cellar, so he had to see it every night when he walked in.

[Robert Kelly]

But now everybody has a fucking alias.

[Jim Norton]

I'll tell you why I did.

[Robert Kelly]

This was before. Except for me. Me, Keith. She won't give us an alias.

[Jim Norton]

No, I mean, if I actually. They think Keith is an alias, they're like, this is a real comic. I did that because I was getting death threats, like, early in the radio, you know, so crazy. You say things and you don't realize how many people are listening or how many people are just hate listening? And I would get enough death threats where I didn't want the club bothered. And I was afraid that people were gonna start bothering the club or like, there was a couple that actually I thought were legit, like, real crazy people. So I was like, I don't want my name on the board being in the same place every night.

[Robert Kelly]

But what were they giving you death threats for?

[Jim Norton]

It was so many. Anything you said about, like, your physical look? No, no, no, no.

[Robert Kelly]

I hate your face.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. No, those are women threatening me.

[Robert Kelly]

You.

[Jim Norton]

My pussy is dry thanks to you. It was over a lot of the Jesse Ventura argument. The amount of fucking babies out there. I still get messages about that. Someone will go, fucking Jesse should have kicked your. First of all. Shut up. You're mad about an argument two guys had 15 years ago. Shut the fuck up. But that's. That's kind of what it was. Oh, there's a lot of that. It was a lot of opinion you had on anything but that somebody hated.

[Robert Kelly]

You for the argument with Jesse. That was so. Because you would just, like, go ahead, hit me, and you would just. If. What if. Were you nervous he was gonna come back?

[Jim Norton]

Very much so. I thought he was gonna throw his water bottle at my face. I really did. I thought he was gonna whip his bottle at my face. But it was like, one of those things where if a guy's gonna alpha you, you have to just go down. You know what I mean? You know, you can't be killed on him. Well, yeah. Well, if it comes down to it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Big Head, just suck his car.

[Jim Norton]

Stop using teet. Yeah. I mean, that was uglier than intended, but whatever.

[Robert Kelly]

Who cares? I say we get Opie and Anthony back together.

[Jim Norton]

I'm seeing Anthony next week.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you really? You got a rally you're going to?

[Jim Norton]

We're having our sheets ironed together.

[Robert Kelly]

We're doing shoulder exercises so you guys can read each other correctly.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. How come they're only high fiving with one hand? It's a long story. No, we're doing. Because I started my own. That's one reason I'm not depressed about being off the air. Like, yeah, I missed the money, but is I started something immediately and got a bunch of episodes banked, and I'm very happy. And he's doing an episode soon, and we're doing Legion of Gangster.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you got a great podcast with your wife, Nikki. Sword fight. Which I did.

[Jim Norton]

Yes. It was fun.

[Robert Kelly]

It was. It was too fast. I felt like it was over before we Got started.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, like an hour.

[Robert Kelly]

And you were like, all right, that's it. And I was like, you know when you're doing something and you're like, oh, we just. You just kind of go. I thought we were just going to go. We can be like, dude, we did three hours. Oh, God. You were like. You looked at the time, went, all right, we got to wrap it up. I was like, oh, this is a good app.

[Jim Norton]

Well, you know what it is? It's because in that studio, I have to rent the studio. So you have. You have a certain amount of time. And it was probably like we were running out of time. Like, we have to be out of there. The next people are coming in. The one I'm doing from home, Jim Norton can't save you. It's just my advice podcast, but I'm bringing a guest in. I do it from home, so we can go as long as we. It's great.

[Robert Kelly]

What type of advice are you giving?

[Jim Norton]

Depends on what they want. Sometimes it's nonsense, other times it's people who are trying to quit, whatever it is. Or sometimes it's just comments. It's not always advice.

[Robert Kelly]

What if I wanted advice on dating a woman?

[Jim Norton]

I would say, look, I've got plenty of friends who could help. Now, what I would say is, honestly, make sure you're compatible and always make sure her cock works first. Don't get bait and switched.

[Robert Kelly]

Great. That's so good.

[Jim Norton]

Don't get bait and switched. Fully functional model. Are you cut?

[Robert Kelly]

No, you're not. Is that. Does that bum you out? If you ever been with a girl who wasn't fully functional? It was just a little. Little pud sitting there.

[Jim Norton]

I've. I've. I've had. I think you're saying, Bob. Jim, have you ever encountered false advertising? It's a great question. Haven't we all? I picture a used car salesman, you know, I thought you said you'd put true coat on. It's limp. Yeah, we've all had that. Yeah. Happy to be out of that life.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Life is so much easier now.

[Robert Kelly]

I was just telling somebody about. Because we lived in the same building together.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, yeah, with Gutfeld. He lived in that building with us, too. Greg Gutfeld.

[Robert Kelly]

Did he?

[Jim Norton]

Yep.

[Robert Kelly]

That was before I knew Gutfeld.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, yeah, I think he was. It was even. I don't know if he was writing for Maxim then or what he was doing, but that might have been. I mean, that was over on 43rd between 10, 11. That was. I think he was starting Red Eye. I think he started that like 2007. So. Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Before then, were you looking for a place to go? And I was like, I moved to this great building.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And I was like, it's got a doorman, it's got a gym, it's got all this stuff.

[Jim Norton]

And then garage in it.

[Robert Kelly]

Garage in it. Imperial Park, Encalos, may I help you?

[Jim Norton]

Imperial park in Carlos. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

10 minutes. 10 minutes. But then you're like, okay. And then I was like, yeah, in the Market Diner with the training bars across the street. Edelweiss. I saw you in the building a week later filling out forms.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. And I was actually at a tape measure from the building to Edelweiss, trying to cut down on how many steps it took to get there. Do you know what's funny? I only went into that place one time or twice in my life, and I was in and out very quickly. I never hung out in that place. And then after I moved in to the building on which we, you know, Kamal from the Jerky Boys live right. Right next door to us.

[Robert Kelly]

He lived. He lived into the. They were like little condos or what were they?

[Jim Norton]

Yes, it was a smaller building.

[Robert Kelly]

Co op. It was a co op building. Yeah. Like lofts. They were loft space.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

He bought that apartment for $60,000.

[Jim Norton]

Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

When the Jerky Boys were hot. And when he. When he was gonna sell it, I think it was like 700,000.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, wow. Yeah. So he made out.

[Robert Kelly]

He made out.

[Jim Norton]

But that bar closed soon after. That whole area changed. Right. I moved in there in 2000. It was like April of 2002. And we got fired August of 02. So I was like five months into a two year lease, panicking.

[Robert Kelly]

I was with you when you got fired.

[Jim Norton]

I know you were.

[Robert Kelly]

We're at the Cleveland Browns.

[Jim Norton]

That was the week. That was the night. It had. No, the Cleveland Browns was. We went back the next day and Sex for Sam happened.

[Robert Kelly]

We were in a limo doing a private gig. I believe it was a Cleveland Browns rookie camp.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. LL Cool J was on. I have pictures from that.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that was the fucking. When they had me go up. And then you go up in front of the defensive line on beanbags. Couldn't see anybody laughing.

[Jim Norton]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

And then.

[Jim Norton]

And then LL went on and did his fucking.

[Robert Kelly]

Then LL went on and did two songs and then murdered. And then they took LL into the weight room because he was shredded. And they took me and you to the shoe room. Remember the two white players, the kicker and one, like, offensive line guy took us in the back room. Where the shoes were. They're like, come back here. And they had, like, a cooler. This is where we hang out. This is where the white boys hang out.

[Jim Norton]

I don't recognize any of those players. I was looking at those pictures recently from that night. That was August of 02. Because I think Sex for Sam was right after that. I know. When I found out they were canceling the show. I was actually with Opie and Anthony. I was with the two of them. We were at Opie's house on the Upper west side. We were walking towards it, I remember. And we were in front of a Starbucks.

[Robert Kelly]

Something happened in the limo. I remember that. We were in the limo going to the airport. And you got a tragic phone call about the show. And maybe you got the phone call about you. Cause you weren't there. You were with me.

[Jim Norton]

No, I was there. I was in studio. When the were you thing. 100%, I remember. Yeah. I just was not out on the street. No. It might have been something else. But I found out I was getting fired when I was actually with both of those guys.

[Robert Kelly]

I was. I went to Edelweiss one time with Pete Corelli.

[Jim Norton]

Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. We were. We used to hang out all the time at the Bag It In. Get It. And he was like, do we gotta go? And one night, he's like, we're going. We went down, took a cab. After all the spots, we walked in, and this girl. I mean, one of the hottest women, quote, unquote, I've ever seen in my life, in a mesh dress, just panties, mesh. You could see her little nips sticking out through the little mesh holes. Walked up to Pete. He was smoking a butt, drinking a beer at the bar. Whispered in his ear. And I was over there, and some dude that looks like Lou was talking to me, and. And then he walks up, he goes, I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm like, why? We just got here. He's like, because I'm going to suck his dick if we don't leave.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Everyone.

[Jim Norton]

You think it's like when you go to an Edelweiss. It's like Matt Dillon said in Crash. You think you know who you are.

[Robert Kelly]

But we really do. Yeah. That club, I remember used to love it because we had Teddy now. Filipino.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, yes. He was one of the door guys. I would always bring my lady friends up.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you know him, Paco? Teddy the door guy. You guys all know each other?

[Jim Norton]

I don't think so.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you sure?

[Jim Norton]

He's such a nice man.

[Robert Kelly]

Hello. Hello. Jim.

[Jim Norton]

Hi, Jim.

[Robert Kelly]

Hi, Jim. Hi, puppy.

[Jim Norton]

And I would bring everybody up because the other guys, like, there's certain girls I wouldn't bring up when they were at the Dorks. It was embarrassing. Exactly. But Teddy didn't give a.

[Robert Kelly]

He was always sleeping.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You'd walk in, he'd just be snoring out. And I remember there was an incident in the front where someone was being attacked. He locked the front doors on the people that were. They were like, let me in. He was like, no, call the police. Yeah, that was a great fucking time. But you. Who else lived in that building? Jay Moore lived on the corner.

[Jim Norton]

That's right.

[Robert Kelly]

He lived on the corner. Lewis Black lived on the other corner.

[Jim Norton]

That's right. Jay lived in that building. Was it on 43rd and 11th?

[Robert Kelly]

43Rd and 11th. And then David Tell lived on the other corner.

[Jim Norton]

Didn't Dave live in the. No. Yeah. Lewis lived on 10th and then Dave lived on the corner of. On 9th and 43rd.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Yep. Fucking great. And Burr lived 47th street with DeRosa. Remember that?

[Jim Norton]

I never went to that place. No, I remember they lived together, but I didn't know it was there.

[Robert Kelly]

I was talking to Steve Byrne the other day about the time me and you. Cause we used to go to Starbucks all the time. I was there when you invented Chip, we'd go to Starbucks and you started. You never did characters. You never did your stupid little things that I hate.

[Jim Norton]

I did, but not to you.

[Robert Kelly]

You did it to yourself in a mirror.

[Jim Norton]

No, no, I was doing them, understand? I was doing them before I. When I was dating this girl. I was 28 and she was my girlfriend at the time. And I was doing all of these. They all became like. Edgar was Little mouth man. Uncle Larry became Uncle Paul. Roger Davis became Chip. Like, they were all different.

[Robert Kelly]

Who was the guy that didn't like lids on his coffee?

[Jim Norton]

Oh, Liddy. I think that was. That was just a fucking yogurt lid that I would annoy. That was just to be annoying.

[Robert Kelly]

We go get Starbucks or anything.

[Jim Norton]

It was just to annoy everyone.

[Robert Kelly]

I got in no lid or something. Some.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, that. I don't remember.

[Robert Kelly]

You did some. Every time we went to Starbucks, you do a character and it infuriated, as it should have. I used to go up and tell Don, I think he's going insane.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Because he won't stop doing this fucking character.

[Jim Norton]

I don't remember the lid guy.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I don't like a lid. I'm no lid. You don't need a lid. And you take a Sip. Because you never had a lid on your coffee, which bugged me, too.

[Jim Norton]

I don't remember.

[Robert Kelly]

Who doesn't have a fucking lid?

[Jim Norton]

I don't like Starbucks lids because they leak. And don't pretend you've never noticed it. They leak out of the front all the time. Starbucks. You get a fucking Dripple down your. Your knuckle.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. You're used to that.

[Jim Norton]

I am. It's usually on my chin.

[Robert Kelly]

You're a professional dribble knuckle guy. Yeah, we. Yeah, we used to go there all the fucking time. You remember the time I had. I gave you. We were hanging out and I was like, dude, I got you a Christmas present.

[Jim Norton]

Yes, the cologne.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Very nice.

[Robert Kelly]

Remember what you told me? You said, thanks, dude. Can you hold on to it? I was probably going, you never picked it up. I still have.

[Jim Norton]

It's probably not good anymore.

[Robert Kelly]

Fourteen years ago, I know. I was so excited to get. Because we never give each other really shit back then. We didn't have money. And I was like, I'm gonna get Norton a gift. You live in the building, you come down and watch fucking TV with us all the time. Used to sit in the recliner with Kelby and Diva. And I was like, I'm gonna get Norton a gift. And Dom was like, okay. And we got you this cologne. I was very excited. I wrapped it myself. And I was like, hey, we. We did something. I don't know, we went somewhere, and I'm walking back, hey, dude, I got this for you. And you're like, ah, thank you so much, man. Hey, can you hold on to it? I'm like, but we live in the same fucking building.

[Jim Norton]

I must have been on my way out to see a lady friend.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you call it a lady?

[Jim Norton]

I don't remember. Yeah, you never knew back then. It could have been anything.

[Robert Kelly]

I remember the time I was coming back from a gig in Jersey, and I was with this. I don't know who he was. Some open mic. It was open for me, and we were in the meat packing Jersey, and all of a sudden he's like. We saw these, you know, trannies coming down. These transsexuals. What do you. I don't know what you call them. Can you say trannies?

[Jim Norton]

I mean, I don't think there's anything wrong. People get angry at you for it, but I have no issue with it.

[Robert Kelly]

And we saw one that looked like Lamont from Sanford and Son walking down. And the guy was like, does Norton really, like, does he really do that? It's Just show for the. Just talking shit on the show. I was like. And I looked to the car, left me. There's a Saturn.

[Jim Norton]

I remember that.

[Robert Kelly]

And you were in it, calling over Lamont.

[Jim Norton]

I probably was asking for directions. I was probably lost.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I went, hey, Norton. And you went. I remember you grabbed the steering wheel and just stepped up like Mario Brothers, and you just took off.

[Jim Norton]

And I probably just didn't want you interfering with my liaisons. I didn't want you interfering with my friendships.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm telling you right now, I say, and the bonfire should be a part of this. Me and Jay can broker a deal between you, Opie, and Anthony. And we get. Let me just finish the thought.

[Jim Norton]

I know.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me finish the thought.

[Jim Norton]

Just the idea of it.

[Robert Kelly]

We get you back on this show. We let you guys take over. Me and. Me and Jay will sit off to the side and see if we can get the magic back. Oh, now, no. You don't think the magic is still there? Come on.

[Jim Norton]

Look, it is what it is. And, like, everything that is. Things are great. They fall apart. I'm lucky we got that much time out of it. It was volatile for years. It lasted way longer than any of us thought it would. It is now. It's just a part of history. Yeah, it's a part of.

[Robert Kelly]

All right. Radio history. Jim and Sam, we get that back together.

[Jim Norton]

You know, those guys are still going. They'll do great.

[Robert Kelly]

What is it called now? Jim and Jim and the Boys.

[Jim Norton]

My. My show. I'll plug my own show. Bob. Jim Norton can't save you. It's a little advice show podcast, and.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, that's good, man. I mean, I love it, that. Do you get to stay home and do your.

[Jim Norton]

No, but I also get to, like, have people. Like, the schedule is kind of open, which is great. Like, someone's like, I can't do it till 4. I'm like, great. I don't have. We found a studio, and because it was the holidays, like, that whole week off or two weeks off, we couldn't get into the studio. But I had people lining up, and I'm like, let's just do it here for an episode or two. He goes, yeah, we'll do that, and then go into the studio. But it actually worked out great. And we're like, let's just fucking stay here and save the money, because you were gonna have to pay for three episodes to tape two.

[Robert Kelly]

It's more comfortable in your house, too.

[Jim Norton]

Fucking great.

[Robert Kelly]

I would love to go to your house and just.

[Jim Norton]

I don't want you to. I mean, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait a minute. I'm trying to get on the fucking show, dude.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, we've only done. There's only three up. There's.

[Robert Kelly]

It must, it must.

[Jim Norton]

TJ and Nick Mullen was great. And Joelist.

[Robert Kelly]

It must have been great though, for the first day that you didn't have to wake up on a Monday and a Tuesday and not get up at whatever time you had to get up to go in, get the thing come in. I mean, was it four or five days a week you had to do that?

[Jim Norton]

It was four days a week. But no, you know, yes and no. I was so used to it and so used to being tired that like, you get up. I'm still getting up. Like, I didn't, I didn't even think of. I'm saving sleep because I'm getting up now Instead of like 7:00 or 6:45, I get up, obviously I get an extra couple hours. I get up at like 9:30 and the first thing I do is go train. Like I just, I go to Jiu jitsu, whatever.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh yeah, worked out. I thought you said Tran.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, no, that's the last thing I do before bed. I don't want to be redundant. So, no, I go to the gym Monday through Thursday after that and then I start. So it's a little bit of extra sleep, which is great. But no, I don't even, I don't know, I don't, I don't miss the routine of it. I thought I would.

[Robert Kelly]

Nikki, like having you home.

[Jim Norton]

I was on the road. One thing is, I've learned to like the road by myself. Like I, I had fun in Austin by myself. Just kind of being in your own space. It's nice, right? You get into a hotel. I would hear married guys say that. And I'm like, yeah, I get it.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't wait. It's the only time I can masturbate. I am going to make love to myself Friday. The only choice I have to make, do I do it before the show, right when I get to the hotel, or do I wait and really take my time after the show on Friday?

[Jim Norton]

I'm, I, I, I totally get that. Like, I am, I literally, I start jerking off the second I get in the car on the way to the airport.

[Robert Kelly]

You start edging just with your thumb.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. I tell the guy, don't look in the mirror. I'm on my phone tweedling my nips.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I can't wait because I got Max in the house too. God forbid he walks in and sees his dad hunched over.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. Yeah. How come you can't When.

[Robert Kelly]

When he goes to school? When he goes. Because she's home and she'd be upset with you. Yeah, because I should be giving it to her. Don't. You know. But you want to. I want to what? I mean, you said on the air you weren't the issue. Well, here's the thing, okay? Friday night, we had a date night. We had date night. Max went to skiing. She made a reservation at a nice place. She went and got her hair blown out. That's usually when she spends money on her nails and hair. Yeah, I'm getting some. I'm getting some Pootie Tang. I'm getting some. You know, I washed everything. I cleaned it twice. I made sure everything was. Yeah, you know, I had it all. I had my shirt, My sex shirt on.

[Jim Norton]

What's your sex shirt?

[Robert Kelly]

Just to hide my stomach so she doesn't throw up. And. And, you know, I mean, we went to dinner. I made sure I didn't eat a lot. I made sure I didn't get any.

[Jim Norton]

Because you don't want your little tummy exploding and having to vomit.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I just don't want to throw a pump in and hear a little toots coming out.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. Garbanzo beans into the toilet.

[Robert Kelly]

Exactly. Made sure she didn't need a lot because I'll leave her if she fought during sex. And so. And I'm, you know, I'm gearing up from my. I'm. I'm getting my, you know, my brain ready to. And I knew it was coming for a week and a half, so I didn't do anything. So I'm ready to go. I'm. I'm horned up. I'm looking at her, I'm checking her, you know, every once in a while. Looking at her. Her. Her, you know, middle aged mom boobs, which I love. I love a nice droopy. It's not droopy. It had a little. You know what I mean? One's bigger than the other. And I was ready to go. And we got back to the play, back to the house. And I'm like, so we gonna. We're gonna get it going. And she's like, yeah, not tonight. I was like, what? She's like, yeah, Max will be home. You gotta go get Max in a little bit. So I'm, you know, maybe, maybe next time. I was like, okay. I mean, my only choice is to like sexually assault her at that point. Like throw her on the. Bribery. Bribery with What? I gave her a house and a Lexus. What else do I have to get her?

[Jim Norton]

I mean, maybe there's something else. She wants a dress or a hat, who knows? But ladies, a woman.

[Robert Kelly]

A woman with a wet vagina that has eat pussy. I was ready to go, dude. I was gonna do all. I mean, I was gonna go on her first. I was going to go down and make sure she's right. I bought a little toy. I had a little pocket rocket I was going to put on the thing. I couldn't find it the last minute. So I was going to get my toothbrush and just put a brush. Yeah, I was gonna put a Ziploc on the end of it. Yeah, the old. The old vibrator and I was ready to go. But she. She shut it down. Shut it down. So, yeah, what am I gonna do?

[Jim Norton]

Being on the road is nice. Having that time alone in the hotel is really nice.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, she's going through a lot of women's stuff right now. She's going through whole, you know, menopause, whatever, prem. I don't know if it's pre or post or. I don't know when she's getting out of this thing where her neck turns red and she wants to kill me. And the last time we had sex when she was on, you know, going through this, it just, you know, she just dried up and I was. I just felt like. Because she's like, I need lube. I'm like, I don't. I don't. I don't know what you want me to do.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, no, I understand.

[Robert Kelly]

I was like, I'll spit on it. She goes. I was like, what are we doing? Why are we together? Just go somebody else. Let me, Let me get hand jobs by middle aged Asian woman's, you know, woman's woman's. I have two at a times.

[Jim Norton]

Get it. Getting. Getting jerky on the road. I was, I was in Austin this week and I do have you. When they, when you did Joe's club, did you do. Did they have the condo for you? No, I don't know if that was up yet. They started leasing a condo? No, no, but it's. It's in the hotel. It's fucking phenomenal.

[Robert Kelly]

The Thomas.

[Jim Norton]

The Thomas.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I fucking love the Thomas.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, it's a two bedroom suite thing.

[Robert Kelly]

You have to share it.

[Jim Norton]

No, it's two bedrooms. It's amazing.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't like going in a condo though, when the last dude's mustard is in the fridge.

[Jim Norton]

No, no, no, this is different.

[Robert Kelly]

This is Like, I don't want condiments from fucking TJ Miller. I don't want his hot sauce hanging out.

[Jim Norton]

No, I wouldn't take a condo from any club but this one. They gave you the option and I just trusted them because everything they do at the club is done well. And it was.

[Robert Kelly]

Is.

[Jim Norton]

It's beautiful. And when you get in, the fridge is packed with, you know, Diet Cokes and sodas and, you know, and like. And so they know what you're like. It's just everything you'd want. And then when you open the drawers, they have, like. It's packed with like, Cheez Its and little goldfish and little cereal. I ate and jerked off manically for seven days.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm there in April.

[Jim Norton]

I was. There's a beautiful kitchen counter, like, with, you know, with stools to sit there and eat. I was on my laptop. I got so much work done. And there's a. It's like a wraparound windows where you're looking directly at the Westin sign. So I had to close the shades.

[Robert Kelly]

Before you jerked off.

[Jim Norton]

100%.

[Robert Kelly]

Sometimes I leave them open and I just give somebody the chance to get a little gander at me. Line up my knees up.

[Jim Norton]

No, I didn't want to punish anyone. No.

[Robert Kelly]

Give somebody a little chuckle. It's. Look at that chubby bald guy wanking it.

[Jim Norton]

No, look at him eating Cheese Nips and then washing his hands and then touching his nipples.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

I would actually blow the load in bed, but I was on the computer out there getting warmed up.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, you got warm. You warm yourself up.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, but then I went into the actual bedroom. But it's so fucking fantastic to have a week alone. Just eat. I eat like a fucking hog. All those little treats I can't resist.

[Robert Kelly]

I do the opposite when I go on the road. I tighten everything up. I eat very clean and I work out every day. But I do masturbate a lot.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And I. I mean a lot. Where it's. It's. You know, when I go back, I feel weird when Max comes up and hugs me at the airport.

[Jim Norton]

Compulsion.

[Robert Kelly]

Just give me. Get away.

[Jim Norton]

They meet you at the airport?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, sometimes. Not all the time. Once in a while, but yeah, it's the best. As soon. It's one of my favorite things in the world. I get off the plane, I get my luggage. I'm heading out. Max is outside the car. And then he runs up, up and hugs me like some fucking cheesy rom com movie.

[Jim Norton]

Like, you're back from the. Like, back from the war.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah like yeah like I just did a tour duty. I was just away for a week and jerking off eating cheeses.

[Jim Norton]

Daddy, why are you wearing an oven mitt for you to just hug me. Welcome to Nada Yada Island. Next on Nadia Yada Island. I knew I deserved so much more so I left. I finally switched to Metro and got what I was looking for.

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[Jim Norton]

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[Jim Norton]

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[Robert Kelly]

We really do have a lot of zones.

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Robert Kelly]

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Commercial Insurance Business owners Meet Progressive Insurance. They make it easy to get discounts on commercial auto insurance and find coverages to grow with your business quote in as little as 7 minutes [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company coverage provided and serviced by affiliated and third party insurers. Discounts and coverage selections not available in all states or situations. You'll say you'll learn a new language each year, but few actually follow through. Babbel makes it easy for you to learn one in less time than you think. Babbel's 10 minute lessons created by over 200 experts helps you start speaking a new language in three weeks or at your own pace with with focus on practical real world conversations. It makes learning to communicate easy and effective. I used Babbel for the last year and it helped me out. When I went to Cuba, I understood I need to know Spanish. And it really bothered me that Ari, when the hurricane came, he knew how to get food. I didn't know anything. And this is what I love about it too. It sends you reminders because if you forget during the day, it will come down with a pop up that will remind you. Hey, why don't you take a couple minutes and learn a new language. The app is easy, fun. Let's get more of you talking in a new language. This year, Babel is gifting our listeners. Check this out. 60% off [e-mail] right now. Get up to 60 off babel.com bonfire spelled B A B-B-E-L.com bonfire babel.com bonfire rules and restrictions may apply. There is something about going away. Cause I love being home. I love hanging out the house. Yeah. But when I get to, I'm going away until I think April now, every weekend. And I'm so excited to get away. And you know, what I did on the road, that really worked because, you know, I'm a tech dude. I've taught you everything you know.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. Which is not a lot.

[Robert Kelly]

Everything you have is me.

[Jim Norton]

I have an iPhone and a laptop. Sex addiction.

[Robert Kelly]

IPad. You didn't want iPhone. You like iPad.

[Jim Norton]

I still don't use my iPad. Stinks.

[Robert Kelly]

I like my BlackBerry. I like the.

[Jim Norton]

I like the keyboard. They lost me when they did the tuk tuk when the whole screen. When those fuckheads at BlackBerry. There was that weird thing they did where they did a touchscreen but the whole screen would click tactile. I wanted to throw it through a fucking window. It's like you guys had it and they just couldn't commit to the touchscreen. They're like, let's just give it the BlackBerry flair. And I hope whoever did that lost their hands in a fucking buzzsaw accident.

[Robert Kelly]

They did. Because they had BlackBerry stock and it fucking tanked.

[Jim Norton]

You better. It did.

[Robert Kelly]

I actually got a mini projector. Little tiny projector. It's like this big. You hook it up to your phone and you can project on any wall, anywhere you want what's on your phone and you can put it on your ceiling. Because I have a hard time. When you're in the hotel room, you got to hold your phone or you got to put your computer by the bed and angle it just right and kind of look to the right. And I had this thing set up so it's shooting on the ceiling. So I'm lying down, just looking straight up in a very natural way at the porno. On the fucking ceiling in a hundred inch fucking television screen. It was the greatest thing. The second greatest thing is when I took Max's VR on the road. I was like, dad's gonna take this for a weekend. And I. Oh, my God, that was insane.

[Jim Norton]

Erase the history quickly.

[Robert Kelly]

I had to go in and figure it out.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. I've tried watching VR porn in my. The Oculus.

[Robert Kelly]

Oculus. Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

And it's funny. I bought it. I just. I don't use it. I just don't give a fuck. It was great during the pandemic when I was doing Chip, but now I just don't care about it. But I tried watching porn I don't want you twice. And it wasn't. It was okay. Like, it wasn't like, I was just like, so what?

[Robert Kelly]

I started talking to the girl because she's right in front of my. You like that, Daddy? I was like, I do. I like it a lot.

[Jim Norton]

Eventually they'll get the respond once AI has it, where she can respond and interact with you in what's a pretty believable way. Yeah, that'll be really nice.

[Robert Kelly]

It will stop making babies in America. Just be single guys with headsets on jerking off, lonely, fat women.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. Every guy looks like he works for air traffic control. Just jerking off in one hand.

[Robert Kelly]

It's. Yeah. Technology's nuts, but the projector was a good one.

[Jim Norton]

That's a. I don't know if I'd enjoy that. Like, I don't mind the laptop. I don't mind getting on the bed with a laptop. I don't know if I would want the projector. Like, looking at the ceiling above me. I just. I couldn't.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but you're with a younger person too. You're. You're. Yeah, I'm with, you know, my. My wife's my age. We're at the same, you know, I mean, you know, what are you gonna do? I wish we bank more when we're younger.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Then we, you know. But it's. It is just the way it is. It just goes away for a little bit.

[Jim Norton]

I guess so. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

But when you're with you, you must have sex a lot.

[Jim Norton]

When I want to, it's there. Yeah, sure.

[Robert Kelly]

Not.

[Jim Norton]

I mean, like, you know, it's just. It's pretty. You know, there's. There's never, like. I feel like I can't.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I do.

[Jim Norton]

I was just happy to see the dog when I came home. I was happy to see my little dog.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a true marriage.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You come home and you're like, hey, ran over. Get out of here. You come here.

[Jim Norton]

So happy to see me.

[Robert Kelly]

You finally got your dog and you got a little kelby.

[Jim Norton]

I did? Yeah. We didn't know that. I thought it was a. I thought it was a cavapoo on the picture.

[Robert Kelly]

A what?

[Jim Norton]

A cavapoo.

[Robert Kelly]

What's a cavapoo?

[Jim Norton]

It's a King Cavalier and a. Some poodle. It's a cute combination.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that. That's a cavapoo right there.

[Jim Norton]

They're adorable.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that what you have?

[Jim Norton]

No, I have a. I have a Yorkie.

[Robert Kelly]

You have the little Yorkie?

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, but it was so small.

[Robert Kelly]

Can you take the Yorkie on the plane?

[Jim Norton]

No, I haven't yet. We still try to house break it, but it does look like a little.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God, Jimbo.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Adorable show. Christine.

[Jim Norton]

It's so cute. Oh, you've seen it? Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

She'd make a pocketbook out of that.

[Jim Norton]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, put it in your pocketbook. Sorry.

[Jim Norton]

Like, what am I, Cruella? Yeah. So it's kind of. It's nice.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

I enjoy it.

[Robert Kelly]

I love having a dog.

[Jim Norton]

I still don't want to be a parent, though. Like, I still realize, like, that's not my name. Like, it's not for me. Like, I can't. I mean, like, I can't do it.

[Robert Kelly]

No, you can't. You would not. You would not. I don't. You cannot be a parent. You cannot be a dad. No, no. You know, I. I could say, Jay could be a great dad.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I think he'd be a great dad. I think you would panic and you would call all of us the first time. It's shit. And you're like, what do I do? How do I.

[Jim Norton]

No, I would know what to do. I would say, how do I get someone else to take care of this? Because I don't want to clean shit. I'm just. It's not.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

I don't have, like, whenever the dog has so much responsibility, just taking care of something, it makes me grateful that I never had kids. I'm like, I knew, like, it wasn't for me that I wouldn't be good at it. And I'm glad that I saw that and didn't do it because people thought I should. You know what I mean? Like, oh, you should have babies. And I was like, no, you're too old now.

[Robert Kelly]

What are you gonna to be around for 10 years? I just. Poor kid's gonna have his father for 10 years.

[Jim Norton]

I'm only 56. I'm not gonna die at 66.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't know that.

[Jim Norton]

Young, right?

[Robert Kelly]

You don't know that. You have no idea.

[Jim Norton]

That is true. I mean, I could die tomorrow.

[Robert Kelly]

Or you could die right now. Yeah. I couldn't see you with a kid. Dude, being. I mean, I'm. I love being a dad. I love every second of it.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I love going out. We went out the snowstorm the other night. He. I just sat down, I had a bowl of lemon rice soup that Don made. I had my show ready to go. I had a blanket on my lap and I hear dad. I'm like, what? He's like, come here. I'm like, no. He's like, dad, just come here. And I walked downstairs, all my stuff ready to go. He's like, let's go. Outside in the snowstorm. It was like 12 at night. And I was like, fuck it, let's go. And we went outside, we ran around in the snow, went up the street, walked around having a fucking blast, doing a snowball fight. It was awesome.

[Jim Norton]

How. How bad were you guys? I didn't. I was. I missed the snow. I was gone.

[Robert Kelly]

It was bad.

[Jim Norton]

It was bad.

[Robert Kelly]

Where I live, it's bad.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, we came from. We were in the city. I saw Gary Gulman's one man show. And then we had to drive back up and as we were going 20 miles an hour on this, on the. On the sawmill, the whole way. It was a nightmare. A nightmare driving on a road. And a Lexus is not a car you want to be on this.

[Jim Norton]

Is that front or rear wheel drive?

[Robert Kelly]

I think it's all wheel drive, which is terrible. And. And is it bad?

[Jim Norton]

Although it'll be better.

[Robert Kelly]

Anti lock brakes are the most terrifying noise. You'll.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And then you're just skidding down the hill.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. But they do keep you a little straighter.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. Not you.

[Jim Norton]

No. Well, it's only. So I'm going in reverse. I'm backing into things. Foot.

[Robert Kelly]

I hate foot.

[Jim Norton]

I hate when I do it. When I do it somewhere. And then whoever's doing subtitles for my Instagram reel spells it F, O, O, T and it's like, no, it's not.

[Robert Kelly]

That's fit. What is foot?

[Jim Norton]

Fff. T, T, T, T, T. Sometimes there's a U in there. All except fit.

[Robert Kelly]

Fit.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Why are you.

[Jim Norton]

It's got like a German thing with an umlaut over it.

[Robert Kelly]

What is foot?

[Jim Norton]

It's just a sound.

[Robert Kelly]

This is what I hate about you. This is what don't stop doing it because.

[Jim Norton]

But you do know I hate it.

[Robert Kelly]

Here's why I hate it. Because later on during the day, at some point, I'll go fit.

[Jim Norton]

You're gonna do it? Yep, yep. You're gonna drop a letter in the mailbox.

[Robert Kelly]

You had Donna. Donna Max doing Chip for like a month. Oh, good. No, not good.

[Jim Norton]

Good.

[Robert Kelly]

I wake up and he'd be like, what's that? What's that?

[Jim Norton]

That's Sawmill Parker. By the way, it's a terrible road. It's a great road.

[Robert Kelly]

You're out of your mind.

[Jim Norton]

No, it's not. Because of. Of how bad it is in the.

[Robert Kelly]

No trucks in the.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, but I mean, it's bad in the bad weather.

[Robert Kelly]

It's. It's bad for a minute, but then they.

[Jim Norton]

Inclement weather, as we say.

[Robert Kelly]

I never said that in my life. I don't even know what it means.

[Jim Norton]

I remember I had a mustache.

[Robert Kelly]

I thought you were gonna say a mustache.

[Jim Norton]

No, never had a mustache. Daddy bought a Stang.

[Robert Kelly]

You had a Mustang.

[Jim Norton]

I had a Mustang in the. My payments were 249amonth or something like that. I remember I was really new at stand up and I was telling my parents had to co sign. It was like 1990. I'm like, I'll be headlining in two. Like I thought. But 249amonth was a lot of money back in those days. And it was rear wheel drive, which I didn't know. So I didn't know how bad that would be in the fucking bad weather. Terrible, terrible. And I was doing this gig in Lancaster, the Italian villa, which was a fun gig to do.

[Robert Kelly]

Boss is there next week.

[Jim Norton]

It closed.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, sorry.

[Jim Norton]

No, no, we're both right. And I remember it was like all in Lancaster. Route 30 is all these fucking hills and treacherous.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

And I was in this. This car and it was so bad, the driving that I was. I was like, I'm not gonna make this gig. So I had to pull over, I think. And my girlfriend at the time, who had a better car, had to come and pick me up.

[Robert Kelly]

What a fucking humiliating.

[Jim Norton]

I know.

[Robert Kelly]

Ugh. I had. Well, here's the problem with when you drive. You have to not give a fuck about the dude behind you when you're driving in snow.

[Jim Norton]

Right. Cause you don't let him rush you.

[Robert Kelly]

And it's hard as a fucking dumb alpha male. You know, I'm driving 25 miles an hour and Dom made me put the hazards on, which was humiliating.

[Jim Norton]

To be the click, click, click, click, go around you. It's a two lane run.

[Robert Kelly]

I know, but it's so hard to fight it. So I'm just doing 25 with my hazards on and the guys behind me. And then he tries to get around and I'm just. I'm just sitting there. She's like, just let him go. Just let. Who cares about him giving me pep talks, right? I know. She's 100% right. Who cares about that guy?

[Jim Norton]

Let him. Where you rushing to? The next accident. That's what I always say.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that what you always say?

[Jim Norton]

Always.

[Robert Kelly]

I hope you are rushing to an accident.

[Jim Norton]

And I said that to old people when they're walking quickly.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

They're about to shit their pants.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but we got home, man. Yep. Boo is right. There's nothing better than getting home in the suburbs. Christine's about to experience this. Getting home in the suburbs, parking a car in the driveway, getting out and not having to lock your doors. I leave my keys in my car. It doesn't fucking matter.

[Jim Norton]

That's where every murder happens. In a place where people don't think they have to lock their doors. Doors. Lock your doors. Don't look at them. Lock your car. Where do you think people go to steal? They go to places like that.

[Robert Kelly]

Not where I live.

[Jim Norton]

Sure they do pot angles. Yes, they do.

[Robert Kelly]

Not where I live. My neighborhood is clean. My neighborhood has a guy that drives around on the sidewalks, that salts the sidewalks. Little machine that comes around and that's nice. That's great.

[Jim Norton]

That's nice for him, though. That's his job.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a great job. State job. Job. Get Medicaid.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, he did. They works for the state. Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Work for the state. That's a. That's my backup plan.

[Jim Norton]

They sought your sidewalks.

[Robert Kelly]

My. My backup plan was always to be a tobolt guy. Then they took that away.

[Jim Norton]

I'm so happy they did. You know how many of those lumps of. I would say, hey, have a nice day. Nothing. No response. In my mind, I'll be like, computers are gonna take your job.

[Robert Kelly]

You're the one who did this.

[Jim Norton]

So happy.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God, I'm so happy.

[Jim Norton]

When I drive through the Holland and I see that there's no tolls. And I think of all those who would put their hands out for the. I'm so happy. They're all starving.

[Robert Kelly]

Don's dad was a Tobles guy. Where? In Boston.

[Jim Norton]

They were actually nice up there.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, cool. Thank you. That was my dream, to always have a state job. When I was doing comedy, I was like, if it doesn't Work out. I'll get a state job. I'll get benefits. I'll get Benny's and I'll just do it for 20. And then I'll retire and then I'll get a part time job. That was my deal, my whole dream.

[Jim Norton]

It's an excellent place to refocus.

[Robert Kelly]

Contracts are up in a fucking market march. It's going to be called the big J and Foya show. I'm going to be at a to somewhere.

[Jim Norton]

No, it was in the negotiations. It was a bloodbath.

[Robert Kelly]

It kind of sucks though that you didn't come back.

[Jim Norton]

No, I'm fine with it. I really am. Like, I didn't, I didn't know if I would be or not or how.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you and Sam leave on good terms? Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. I don't, I, I, I called it it. Literally. I told my wife this and this is the truth.

[Robert Kelly]

You have a big penis.

[Jim Norton]

No. She knows how to write it. Please. That's why she's in this country. Think she doesn't know what her passport should have stamped on it? Picture of that. No, it was. I'm like, they're going to do this. I told, I just literally, I'm not kidding when I tell you it was almost to the dollar amount. They did exactly what I said they were gonna do. So I was very prepared for it. I told my manager, nobody saw it coming. They're like, maybe they'll say, I just, I can't with. Listen, I don't listen to other people when it's something like that. Because I knew. I, I just knew. I'm here every day. I knew so I was ready and so now I'm on my bed. I knew those guys would continue. I said it and they're like, well, we don't like, shut up. I, I knew well that they would continue and they should.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, we want to make you feel at home.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, good.

[Robert Kelly]

So put a dress on. We're all gonna Dr. Dress up like female. And Christine's gonna dress like a male. We want to make you feel at home, bro.

[Jim Norton]

Good.

[Robert Kelly]

So we brought all your stuff.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

All your accoutrements from the Jim and Sam show.

[Jim Norton]

Thank you very much.

[Robert Kelly]

Right there.

[Jim Norton]

Where's the garbage?

[Robert Kelly]

No, don't throw, no, don't throw the boat. We have. Let's open up. Let's see what we got here. We have your fireman's helmet.

[Jim Norton]

Hold on. The fireman's helmet. Oh, this is really nice.

[Robert Kelly]

A little context on what that is.

[Jim Norton]

The fireman's helmet was For Halloween, I think it was last year. Where. I can't find the. It was. I think it was Jeff the fireman. Master of fish. Was my costume spelled G E O F F. And I would wear the hat, and I had a fish because I was the master of fish.

[Robert Kelly]

Why were you the. What is the master? Isn't it aquamarine?

[Jim Norton]

No, it's Jeff the fireman who's the master of fish. Master of fish. Colon, master of fish. Now, this is. This Mashiach energy. This is Modi's hat, which he left. But I don't wear hats. This Gasms is a great Smokey Robinson, arguably the worst song ever done.

[Robert Kelly]

What is that?

[Jim Norton]

Gasms. Gasms. E. Gasms.

[Robert Kelly]

Luke, can we hear a little bit of that?

[Jim Norton]

It's his newest album. And look, Smokey's in his 80s. He's still doing it still looks great. But this is supposed to be a sexy song. Let me hear.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me hear Gasms.

[Jim Norton]

Maybe.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe I can make love to dawn with this. This is right up my alley. Yeah, right here. I'll go in with my sex shirt on. I'll stand in the doorway of the bathroom.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, Lyrically, it's very.

[Robert Kelly]

She'll be in there taking her high socks off.

[Jim Norton]

He really gets in it. Sexy and.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Let me hear it. Ah, I like it so far. Yeah, it's nice. So far.

[Jim Norton]

This Neil Rubenstein is not mine.

[Robert Kelly]

Who is that?

[Jim Norton]

I don't know. Stole that off of Travis's desk by accident.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me hear a little bit of this. Makes me feel better than good. Sounds good. I like it so far. And what I see is you and me together forever. Oh, he's just. He's just saying words. He's not bad. Here we go. Every time a gas. Every time I take a look, you give me.

[Jim Norton]

He says, I has them.

[Robert Kelly]

I has them.

[Jim Norton]

And the people in the background.

[Robert Kelly]

Imagine getting in and getting the. The sheet music for that. What are we singing? Gasms.

[Jim Norton]

Eargasms.

[Robert Kelly]

Eargasms. It's a sexy sound. Christine, check. Someone check Christine. See if she's wet.

[Jim Norton]

You can deliver.

[Robert Kelly]

Any kind of gasm. On the lid it's a list of gasms. The gasms you don't give me. I don't think exist. You give me what's an ear?

[Jim Norton]

Soft and sweet or the kind that's more.

[Robert Kelly]

If I think about you right now. Oh, Smokey, this is the shittiest song ever.

[Jim Norton]

It's terrible.

[Robert Kelly]

I love it, though.

[Jim Norton]

Eyegasm.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna play Next time me and Don have sex, I'm throwing this on. See what she does.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. This is awful. What if this is what makes Douche Chasms?

[Robert Kelly]

All right, what else we got in the bag? That was people who don't know this. Jim. If you ever did the Jim and the Sam show, you really didn't have it during the.

[Jim Norton]

Where we film it in Italy. The Jim and the Sam show.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm on Babel. I don't know. Sponsor of the show, the gym and the sham show. If you ever did their show, you would have all these accoutrements that they had to set up every day.

[Jim Norton]

Well, it just became a thing where I didn't pay attention to, like, this is just hand Purell, which. That was just there.

[Robert Kelly]

That's from the pandemic. You probably had that. Right, right.

[Jim Norton]

This was a heart shaped like, almost like an ashtray or a little holder that somebody gave.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I like that. That's like a. For changing keys when you come in the door.

[Jim Norton]

But when I left, I left like the last show we had. I knew I'd never be back. Just by the way. They were already negotiating, but they waited until the Friday after to go out, you know, so. Oh, these I can actually use.

[Robert Kelly]

Look at these.

[Jim Norton]

These little jokers. A couple of glasses holders.

[Robert Kelly]

Those are bunny.

[Jim Norton]

Bunny eyes.

[Robert Kelly]

Bunny eyes. Which I love, by the way. Great company.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, these are my nuts. These are no good anymore.

[Robert Kelly]

Everything. They actually saved your nuts.

[Jim Norton]

They did, yeah. And this is a simple saline. This is no good. That can be thrown out.

[Robert Kelly]

What is that for?

[Jim Norton]

Say. Oh, this is for the fish. For Jeff Fireman, master of fish.

[Robert Kelly]

Can you put the hat on?

[Jim Norton]

I'd rather not because I have a headphone on. It would hurt me and it brings back too many fun memories. This is bear. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

What was that for? You get headaches a lot on the show?

[Jim Norton]

I do, yes. I said, somebody get me an Addison. Remember that? Addison. Oh, no. Oh, little Sistine eye drops in case daddy's eyes are dry.

[Robert Kelly]

Your eyes get dry a lot.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

This is a lot of stuff that you need every day. This is like.

[Jim Norton]

Sure is.

[Robert Kelly]

It's like an old folks home.

[Jim Norton]

I know. I need that stuff. This. Oh, this is Bucky's.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I love Bucky's.

[Jim Norton]

I know. It's like. Like one of the. The listeners sent it and it's like. It's one of those, like memories from a listener. So you can throw that.

[Robert Kelly]

Just throw it on the ground. There you go.

[Jim Norton]

The Norton. Somebody made this for me, which is really nice.

[Robert Kelly]

It's an. It's A egg.

[Jim Norton]

An eggplant. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Whoa, whoa, hey.

[Jim Norton]

Like a penis. Don't post this. Throw that out. All right.

[Robert Kelly]

You're not gonna throw that out.

[Jim Norton]

I'm gonna throw. Throw all of it out. This is just a tray.

[Robert Kelly]

That's the tray to keep your accoutrements on.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, yeah. I demanded a wood tray in my last contract. They came through.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe that was the catalyst that put you over the top.

[Jim Norton]

It probably was.

[Robert Kelly]

You took that out of your contract, they would gave you what you wanted. I like this. This is.

[Jim Norton]

Natalie Cuomo gave me this. It was like a little. She would make these little.

[Robert Kelly]

We don't bring her name up on the show.

[Jim Norton]

Why?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. I'm kidding. No, I'm kidding. I just. I like to throw that in there.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, okay. That was a little nice thing she gave me when she was on our show.

[Robert Kelly]

What else she give you?

[Jim Norton]

That was it.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. Yeah, There you go.

[Jim Norton]

These are just more eye drops. I guess I would run out and they would get them.

[Robert Kelly]

You have to get them. No, but I mean, was this like every morning? That have to set this up. Right?

[Jim Norton]

Well, that. I didn't need all of it. I think part of it just became a silly. These are all rewetting drops for a man with dry eyes. I'm not going to keep these, though, because I don't know how many. How old they are, and they've been there for a long time. And this was just a. We didn't have a.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a radio bit.

[Jim Norton]

This was just a bell.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, is that when you wanted to talk and Sam wasn't paying attention?

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, but like, autism alert. Autism alert.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I have that?

[Jim Norton]

One, two.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, Jay.

[Jim Norton]

You ought to ring it when someone's talking, you know?

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, I got something.

[Jim Norton]

I love that.

[Robert Kelly]

Finish the story.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, this? Can. Can I keep this?

[Robert Kelly]

It's a straw. That's still intact.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Why do you want to keep that?

[Jim Norton]

I'm kidding.

[Robert Kelly]

I know. I am, too. Can you stop?

[Jim Norton]

I like this shirt. The Edna F. Shirt.

[Robert Kelly]

What is that?

[Jim Norton]

Oh, come on.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't listen to your show. Who's Edna Foust?

[Jim Norton]

How do you know? There was. This was back on the show. I did the. After Anthony vacated, we had an episode where we were watching and it kind of became this thing.

[Robert Kelly]

The Ozzy and Jim show.

[Jim Norton]

It was a Dunkin Donuts commercial.

[Robert Kelly]

What is he, Voldemort?

[Jim Norton]

It was a.

[Robert Kelly]

Just say his name. Just say it. Say it.

[Jim Norton]

I was watching. Yes, that's it. And Edna Faust. We became obsessed with. I'M obsessed with Edna Faust. I've never seen was a part of this Dunkin Donut. It was like a news story about Dunkin, A local Dunkin Donuts shutting down. And Edna Faust. She looks like Brian Dennehy, and she's my favorite person if they don't open up. And a lot of my friends go in there, get the cold coffee, iced coffee, I guess it's called.

[Robert Kelly]

Is it Sunday?

[Jim Norton]

Pause it right there.

[Robert Kelly]

Is she so fat that she's squinting?

[Jim Norton]

That's why she's the best, though, because she says cold coffee, and then she ice iced coffee. I guess it's cold. And she was just such a good guesser that I just became obsessed with her. Like, the fact that she went from cold coffee and in her mind went, what would they call this? And immediately she went, iced coffee. Like, I just thought, like, she's just awesome. Edna, you're love. Edna Faust.

[Robert Kelly]

Where is she from?

[Jim Norton]

Shamokin, Pennsylvania. And no one better. A lot of my friends go in there, get the cold coffee. Iced coffee, I guess it's called.

[Robert Kelly]

People miss their local hang.

[Jim Norton]

Who's better than her? That's it.

[Robert Kelly]

She's a. She looks like a local fire chief.

[Jim Norton]

She's a beauty.

[Robert Kelly]

She's a beauty. All right. Well, there you go.

[Jim Norton]

A couple of pens.

[Robert Kelly]

You got a couple pens, some more straws. What else is in there?

[Jim Norton]

I don't remember.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, a couple of Mark Sharpies to sign autographs maybe.

[Jim Norton]

Case a celebrity came in.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah, you're a big. You're a big autograph guy anymore.

[Jim Norton]

Unless it's something I want.

[Robert Kelly]

Buddy, you fucking freaked me out so bad. When we were at the UFC 100 and we got the VIP.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, it was fine.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, we had such VIP. Why do you have so many straws?

[Jim Norton]

I don't know. I. I just. I'll tell you why.

[Robert Kelly]

Because you yelled at somebody, someday I need a straw.

[Jim Norton]

Well, I probably did.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I got one. You know, you were the star. You should do what you got to do.

[Jim Norton]

That's what I said.

[Robert Kelly]

We remember you. UFC 100. And you. You. You saw some. You're trying to get autographs. We had backstage.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

At this big event. It was fun, but they had a day before, like, almost like a Comic Con fight. And we got back to where the fighters would take a break and have lunch and get drinks and kind of hang out in between signings. We got back there, and we're hanging out in every fighter in the fucking world. The greatest.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Retired and present were coming through.

[Jim Norton]

Yep.

[Robert Kelly]

And Jim was trying to get autographs, but then he saw somebody come in with a glove.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And I've never seen. It was like a coke addiction. He went and bought 35 pairs of gloves. UFC gloves.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And put them in a bag and had me go up and go, hey, this is Jim Norton, he's on Sirius xm. He's a stand up comedian.

[Jim Norton]

I didn't ask you to say all that. I didn't give you a list of things to say. I said, bob, just if I'm gonna.

[Robert Kelly]

Do it, I'm gonna do it right. Okay. That was my own little fucking. I added and I had to go up and say, hey, can you sign his gloves? And you had every fighter in the world sign UFC gloves.

[Jim Norton]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

And then you had two.

[Jim Norton]

Jim though, I don't sell them, I still have them.

[Robert Kelly]

Still have all of them. But why do you. I don't understand.

[Jim Norton]

I, I don't. Because it was fun. I like to display stuff like that. But again, in the last few years I've kind of like, I just don't anymore at all. It was just a. Whatever, I did it. And now the only thing I'll get signed occasionally, if it's somebody I want, if it's a picture of us together, like, I have a great picture with McCartney that I would love to get signed if I ever saw. But like, like, you know, aside from that, I don't.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you love pictures, man.

[Jim Norton]

I do. Those are fun. I'm glad I did it, though. There's a story with most of them.

[Robert Kelly]

I hate it. I hate. I, I feel so uncomfortable. Do you? Yeah, I don't.

[Jim Norton]

It depends on where I am. Like, I won't just do it now unless it's somebody I talk to or if it's somebody that I really like. But I don't. I did now. I've seen so many people in the last X amount of years, just not.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't even like doing. Like when I was at Gary's thing, they do like a red carpet or, or picture taking thing in the front for whatever people who are in the business. And his manager came up to me, I was sitting down. He's like, hey, Bobby, did you get your picture? And I'm like, what? He's like, they're doing the pictures up front for promotion and you should go get your picture. I was like, I'm good. He's like, no, it's good for you and your career to be in. I was like, I'm okay because I'll go out there. He Won't be there. And then I'll be standing there and the lady be like, yes. And I'm like, I'm supposed to get my picture taken. Why?

[Jim Norton]

Red carpets are very embarrassing for that reason. Where like you when you got to take the picture. And they like, there's always a publicist going, jim Norton can me. Like, they'll tell them who you are, but. But again, they take the picture, it's okay.

[Robert Kelly]

I remember when Dane's movie came out, I was in it and I waited. I was with Jay Davis and I said, listen, we're not. We're waiting for the whole line to go through. I want to wait till the end. And it's just me so that I don't have to get my self esteem fucked with.

[Jim Norton]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

So Jay was like, I got you. He was good at that Hollywood shit. We pulled up, nobody's there. The whole, the. All the paparazzi's out front. He's like, hey, guys, this is Robert Kelly. He was in Torgasm. He's in the movie with Jay's Dane's best friend. They all picked the cameras up, started clicking, and then all of a sudden the lady grabbed me. She goes, come on, go, go, go, go, go. And you just heard the place go nuts. Eddie Murphy fucking apparently had the same idea and he came and they pushed me off that red carpet. Yeah, I was dirt.

[Jim Norton]

Did you get to meet Eddie?

[Robert Kelly]

No, they wouldn't let me near anybody.

[Jim Norton]

I've never met Eddie. I would have said like, eddie, I'm in the movie chair.

[Robert Kelly]

No, they just. I remember somebody like, like a football game just pushed me right off, like a Heisman, right into the theater.

[Jim Norton]

Sit tight, folks. We're gonna take a quick break. Be right back. Back. We're here, you're there. Jim Norton hosting his own new podcast, Jim Norton can save you. Advice guests up now. Go to Jim Norton comedy on YouTube or go to. Go to Apple podcast Spotify, where you get your podcast and grab them. And we're gonna take a quick break and be right back.

[Robert Kelly]

And make sure you check out Jim Norton. He's gonna be all over the place. Colonial theater, Laconia on February 7th. Newport, Rhode island on February 8th. After that, he's going to be in Seattle, Vancouver, Allentown and Tampa. For tickets and all other tour dates, visit jimnorton.com and check out his awesome podcast with his lovely wife, Nikki Norton. Sword fight on YouTube.com icky and Jim NYC and his other podcast that just came out, Jim can't save you. YouTube.com JimNorton Comedy. Make sure you check it out. We'll be right back with more clumsies.

[Jim Norton]

To realize the future America needs. We understand what's needed from us to face each threat head on.

[Robert Kelly]

We've earned our place in the fight for our nation's future. We are Marines.

[Jim Norton]

We were made for this.

[Katie Nolan]

Hi, I'm Katie Nolan from the Internet and cable tv. Or as your mom called me, that sports gal from Celebrity Jeopard. I have a new podcast called Casuals. It's a podcast for people who like sports a normal amount. No stats or spreadsheets, nary an X or O to be found, just laid back casual banter about home runs, hockey fights and good old fashioned drama. Casuals is a twice a week hang with me and my friends from across comedy, sports and entertainment where we talk about all the funny, weird, interesting stuff happening in and around the world of sports. Think of it as all the best things about sports with none of the homework. So whether you're a die hard fan or vaguely sports curious, Casuals is the podcast for you. You can find casuals on the SiriusXM app, Pandora or wherever you get your podcasts. And don't forget to smash that follow button. That way you'll never miss an episode. Just try it. You can always un smash it.