Getting To Know The Neighbors

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly

Episode: Getting To Know The Neighbors
Date: January 22, 2026
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly
Platform: SiriusXM’s Faction Talk

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Main Theme

This episode is a classic Bonfire dive into the comedy and awkwardness of neighborly relationships, with Big Jay Oakerson sharing a hilariously uncomfortable run-in with his new, extroverted neighbor — who’s eager to blend Jay into the neighborhood social scene, rope him into future diner-based stand-up gigs, and, more broadly, challenge the comedian’s reclusive instincts. Robert Kelly jumps in with his own suburban tales, and together, they dig into the perils and absurdities of adult friendship, unwanted invitations, and suburban etiquette.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Cheesesteak & Protein Debate (Starts ~01:15)

• Jay and Bobby banter about Philly cheesesteaks and the etiquette of bread choices, veering into a food tangent full of warmth, teasing, and some light body-shaming about Jay’s eating and “protein” habits.
• Notable Quote:
  • Big Jay: "When I took that first bite, it made me happy inside. Like I met a girl." (04:40)
  • Bobby: "Are you saying this cheesesteak tastes like a camp kiss?" (05:00)

Tone: Playful, warm, and heavy on food nostalgia.

2. Mr. Beast Game Show Critique (Starts ~06:22)

• Bobby reviews Mr. Beast’s “Beast Games” show, initially impressed but quickly turning sour on the new season’s lackluster games and lack of compelling contestants.
• A brief reflection on how reality TV can change from addictive to background noise ("...that show took a fat shit." - 06:23).

3. Jay’s Neighborly Nightmare: The Summoning (Begins ~07:44)

• Jay recounts a surprise encounter: while working from home, his neighbor knocks and invites his household over for drinks — in the middle of the day (12:30 pm!).
• Turns out, the neighbor and his friends are “watching clips of Jay online” and want him to come hang out for drinks.
• Jay is uncomfortable with being 'summoned' (“A genuine pet peeve of mine... I don’t like being fucking summoned” - 11:13).
• The neighbor pushes hard for a photo and an immediate drink, culminating with a pitch: after the neighbor opens a new diner, would Jay come do five minutes of stand-up? (13:30)

Memorable Sequence:

• Jay: "I gotta work still, man. It's like one o'clock." (12:54)
• Bobby: “How fast you think I can make it not nice?” (15:13)

4. Negotiating “Comedy at the Diner” (14:00–16:00)

• The neighbor proposes Jay come perform at his soon-to-exist diner (which isn’t open yet).
• Jay tries to defer, suggesting there are "young comics in Jersey who'd love that.” The neighbor persists, awkwardly saying, “You're serious in person, though, huh?” (15:52)

Notable Quote:

• Neighbor (as recounted by Jay): “You’re real serious in person, though, huh? I love your stuff, but you’re serious in person.” (15:52)
• Bobby: “Guy’s a fucking dick, man.” (15:55)

5. Robert’s Neighbor Woes and Neighborhood Politics (21:41 and 39:14)

• Bobby relays his own suburban saga: a neighbor complains about his tree and its leaves, deploying maximum passive-aggression and HOA-esque bureaucracy.
• Later, Bobby details the chaos from updating his outdoor trash can "barrel" shed and unwanted involvement from city inspectors, all thanks to tattling neighbors.

Notable Quotes:

• Bobby: “You can’t let [the neighbor] do anything for you because you’re going to owe him. You’re going to owe him.” (17:43)
• Jay: “A bad neighbor can ruin your beautiful home… You’d want to move.” (56:20)

6. Navigating Suburbia, Boundaries, and (Possible) Friendship

• The hosts riff on how easy it is to disappoint people who expect comedians to be “on” 24/7, with Jay painted as a letdown for being quieter in real life (“Everyone does. Hey, you know, Jay, you know, you are? You’re a wet firecracker.” - 57:37).
• Bobby jokes that Jay is on the verge of being pulled into a neighborly male-bonding crew, including softball teams, poker nights, and possibly slotting stand-up nights in a future Greek diner.
• Discussion of suburb etiquette: Halloween protocol, avoiding neighborhood wars, making cookies for neighbors at Christmas to keep the peace, and inventing “quiet booties” for trash can wheels to avoid noise complaints (49:19).

Notable Quotes:

• Bobby: “You’re either going to have an enemy or a new best friend. There’s no middle ground.” (56:38)
• Jay: “No reason for him not to like me.” (57:03)
• Jay: “I am a letdown. I’m such a letdown. People gathering, the Juggalos. How many people go, ‘Dude, I got coke.’ And I go, ‘I don’t do coke.’ And they go, ‘Come on, that’s fucking normal.’” (57:48)

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On Being Summoned:

  • Jay: “I don't like being fucking summoned. Because it happens a lot to me... Jay, get over here right now. My chick is dying for a picture with you." (11:13)

• Jay’s Realization:

  • Jay: “He just goes, ‘Hey, you’re serious in real life, huh?’” (54:36)

• Bobby on Adult Friendship:

  • “The only way out is in.” (51:06)

• On Suburban Schemes:

  • Bobby: “I’d rather have full swap swinger sex with him and his wife than do whatever that thing was.” (17:48)

• The Diner Gig:

  • Jay: “I'm committed heavily to five minutes at a future diner. I'll go his opening show, apparently.” (30:12)

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Timestamps by Segment

• [01:15] — Show opens, riffing on music, cheesesteaks, and protein shakes.
• [06:22] — “Beast Games” Reality TV review.
• [07:44] — Jay begins recounting his neighbor story.
• [12:11] — Jay describes being “summoned” for photos and drinks.
• [13:30] — Diner stand-up pitch from the neighbor.
• [15:52] — “You’re real serious in person, huh?”
• [21:41] — Bobby’s neighbor tale: tree complaints and passive aggression.
• [39:14] — Trash can (“barrel”) shed drama and the city.
• [49:19] — Trash can wheel “booties” innovation idea.
• [54:36] — Jay reflects on neighbor’s letdown.
• [56:38] — “You’re either going to have an enemy or a new best friend.”
• [57:37] — Jay’s self-effacing “wet firecracker” moment.

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Episode Takeaways

• Being a comedian off-stage: Jay and Bobby peel back the realities — sometimes disappointing — of being low-key offstage and expected to be wild or entertaining at all times.
• The complexities of neighborly overtures: When does friendliness cross into awkwardness? How do you set boundaries without becoming the unfriendly neighbor?
• Suburban (and comic) absurdity: The hosts’ tales spiral from true-life awkwardness into imaginative (and raunchy) potential futures, mocking both themselves and the rituals of suburban men.

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Final Thoughts

Fans of The Bonfire will love this episode’s focus on real-life awkwardness, relatable suburban grind, and the hosts’ signature blend of raw honesty and ribald humor. Their insecurities and haphazard attempts at neighborly relations are on full display, making this episode both hilarious and cathartic for anyone who’s ever wanted to hide from—or join—the neighborhood “crew.”

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For More

• Live callers and more neighborhood tales previewed for the next episode
• For tour dates & social links, check punchup.live (for Bobby) or bigjcomedy.com (for Jay).

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Transcript

[Robert Kelly]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Robert Kelly]

Okerson and Robert Kelly. I forget the world changes when the show starts. I was just in the room singing and enjoying it and then. Oh, and then it's just. I feel like a fool.

[Bobby Kelly]

You fool.

[Robert Kelly]

By myself.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know. We could just sit here and listen to music for two hours. I think legally we can do that.

[Robert Kelly]

I think we got trouble for doing that, didn't we?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I think they all said something about 30 seconds, but that can't. That just had to be a lie to get us to stop doing it. That can't be true. It's SiriusXM.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm two fisted coffee right now. Watch out, watch out, watch out. Dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, dude. Body, brain and regular brain.

[Robert Kelly]

I got body brain, irregular brain. I got protein. Starbucks has protein now.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's weird.

[Robert Kelly]

I love it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why? Bobby, you don't slack protein.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, I do.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I do.

[Bobby Kelly]

You just drink protein. Shit. I need protein bars.

[Robert Kelly]

Why are you gonna go against me? I'm trying to do something healthy.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're not.

[Robert Kelly]

Why?

[Bobby Kelly]

You're eating regular and then having protein things on top of it.

[Robert Kelly]

I am eating. I'm working out and I need.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're treating protein shakes like a handful of peanuts.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

You're treating it like it's like, well, I'm in between. I'm in between meals. He goes, well, I already. I had a burger, so I don't want to do any more meat. Let me just grab a protein shake.

[Robert Kelly]

Here's the problem with it. If I didn't just house a steak.

[Bobby Kelly]

And cheese, drink some of your protein.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll fight you on this. But that's the only reason you got me. The only reason you got me because, you know, I just swallowed one bite of a cheesesteak. It's just in my throat, and it makes me mad that I can't defend my honor.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want more. But we're on the air now.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's so good. I'm done. I'm full. That was perfect.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm full, too. I ate a cookie, so I wouldn't eat any more of that. Now I got the chocolate in my mouth. I don't want cheesesteak anymore. It's stupid. I would totally put cheesesteak on top of that chocolate. I would put a cookie on that cheesesteak.

[Robert Kelly]

That cheesesteak is good. Thank you. Ron Bennington for Bennington show. What a nice thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

So sweet. They sent us over. Well, I guess they had Danny Coops today. And so what it. When they had left over, they gave it to us, and it was awesome.

[Robert Kelly]

Very good. It was sweet.

[Bobby Kelly]

Pretty good. Danny Coops. It's not super Philly official, but it's a good sandwich.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a good goddamn cheesesteak.

[Bobby Kelly]

Good sandwich. I mean, somehow, again, I'm maybe an old man, but, like, the. The seeded bread is now a thing in Philly also. It is, but it was never.

[Robert Kelly]

I love it.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's wrong, though.

[Robert Kelly]

I know it's wrong, but I don't know it's wrong. And I love a seated roll.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought seated on a hoagie, you get a hoagie with a seated roll all day long.

[Robert Kelly]

Isn't that a. What's that? That's a. Is that a hoagie?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's a cheesesteak.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but what are you talking about? A hoag, Like a.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you make, like an Italian hogy sub hero. Whatever.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll take. I'll take a seated roll on everything. It's my favorite. And it's toasted.

[Bobby Kelly]

Little toasty, which is also kind of wrong.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, come on, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's a little wrong. It's delicious. But they didn't, like. They reinvented the wheel a little bit. They didn't have to. They also give you zero options right now, which is probably it's new, but they really, they're probably doing that too. You're like, can I get mushrooms? And they're like, no, it doesn't exist here.

[Robert Kelly]

They're probably doing that just to be that thing, you know, they do that thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

They give you hot peppers. Yeah. It's like a pop up place, basically. But it's, I think they're killing it.

[Robert Kelly]

It's good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's tasty.

[Robert Kelly]

I, I, When I took that first bite, it made me happy inside. Like I met a girl.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think I'm just sick of, I think I'm just sick of Bradley Cooper being like this Philly guy.

[Robert Kelly]

It made me happy. Like when you first love. Yeah. When you meet. No, you know, when you meet a girl and you get her number and you give a little and then you leave and you're like, oh, I'm so happy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you saying this cheesesteak tastes like a camp kiss?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's like a young love kiss camp. Oh, man. God, that felt good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yo, Cooper. Yo. Throw on an apron so we can take some pictures.

[Robert Kelly]

Exactly. That's the only part that bugs me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah. I get my hands dirty like anybody else.

[Robert Kelly]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

I happen to be around the corner filming a movie at the Comedy Cellar. And this is pretty convenient for me.

[Robert Kelly]

I do stand up now. I make cheesesteaks, I act, I get Emmys, I get fucking Oscars.

[Bobby Kelly]

On the Eagles, I think.

[Robert Kelly]

Exactly.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think he's third string safety on the Eagles.

[Robert Kelly]

Why does that annoy me? I should be happy for you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want it. You want it for your teams and city.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I take it for Philly.

[Bobby Kelly]

You want Bobby? You want, you want Bobby? Steak and cheese.

[Robert Kelly]

I'd switch over to the Eagles if they're gonna let me in the fucking owner's box.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yo, Bobby and Dee's Bobby and these steak and cheeses.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that'd be fantastic.

[Bobby Kelly]

You'd love that. Seated rolls confuse the fuck out of everybody.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you know I had a dream, like, not a dream, but I had a plan in my head, you know, every once in a while you're like, what's next? What am I gonna do next? And I was like, I'm gonna open up a steak and cheese truck in New York City and make. What are you laughing at? Why are you laughing at my fucking dreams?

[Bobby Kelly]

Because you have the same dreams as Lewis. You guys want to be food truck?

[Robert Kelly]

We should do that. Steak and cheese body brain.

[Bobby Kelly]

Steak and cheese and coffee.

[Robert Kelly]

Steak and cheese and coffee. That's what everybody loves.

[Bobby Kelly]

We came today a couple Things I wanted to say started Beast Games last night. Watched the three episodes that are out there, and I gotta tell you, that show took a fat shit. That First Beast Games.

[Robert Kelly]

Mr.

[Bobby Kelly]

Beast. Mr. Beast does a thing. $5 million. You compete. We went over it a little bit on the show. You're competing in all these different, like, events, whittling down to one person who gets $5 million. But they try to bribe you during it. They try to make you turn on people. It's. It's a fun concept as a first season. After the first episode, I was like, give me more of this immediately. It's so good now. It's fucking terrible. I don't know. I don't even know.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't know why it's bad.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that the game stick? The games are all pretty shitty.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that the one where they gotta run through a room and not be hit by a laser or some. Or the. The floor things?

[Bobby Kelly]

The floor, yeah, yeah, yeah. The floor one. Yeah. They're playing dodgeball and the floor separates and you kind of run the one. It's like musical chairs. And then whatever side you're on, you start playing dodgeball. That was one of the game. And by the way, there's been one or two games where I've been like, by the end of it, you're like, oh, this is. I wonder if they're going to do it or not. But the man. I don't give a fuck about anybody on it. It's just bad. It's not good this year. So that set me off in a bad mood.

[Robert Kelly]

But didn't the cheesesteak make you happy?

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't sleep last night at all. I slept like four hours last night.

[Robert Kelly]

Why? What were you thinking about?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know. I was in a funky mood. And then, like. And then I woke up, had to do skanks, and I did skanks. And while I'm doing it, I hear the doorbell ring. At one point, Christine answers it. I assume it's a delivery or whatever. I finish Legion of Skanks and I go, Christine goes, you hear the doorbell ring at all? I said, yeah. She said, that was our neighbor from across the street and said, she prefaces, which I will say this a thousand times over. Very nice. He didn't do anything shitty at all. Very, very nice. He came over and asked Christine. She goes, he asked me if, well, you should tell what happened with you.

[Robert Kelly]

I opened the door and he just asked. He invited. He's like, hey, I was just thinking, we haven't really Hung out yet. I want to know if you and Jay wanted to come over and have some drinks. He said hung out?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You haven't hung out?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. That's fucking frightening.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's fine. It was nice.

[Robert Kelly]

And we've seen them, like, nice family, very friendly, and we've seen them, like, in the street, and we've said that we'd come over and have drinks. You know what I mean? It's like we've.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would go over and have drinks. Is the thing is he asked Christine to do this at 12:30 in the morning or, you know, in the afternoon. Yeah. And so she was like, well, he's doing his show down there. He's doing a show in the basement, and I have to get ready for work. Or, you know, I'm. You know, I have an appointment today, so I can't. He's like, ah. He just kind of said, all right.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, he meant it for right then and there, right now, right that moment.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, he wanted you to hang out now? Yes. He said, we're over here, Dre, if you want to come over now. Dude, I'm sorry. Hang out with some friends. And what it was was him. Their friends. Him and his friends were watching clips of Jay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wait, why? It's unreal. I couldn't even pretend to guess why I tell a story and involve Christina in any way. She buries the lead so hard, so heavy, so quickly before we're even anywhere near that part of the story.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that's what he said to me.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know you felt it.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't want. I didn't want to. I'm gonna. I'm trying to. Hang on one second. It's crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's insane. It is storytelling poison. How do you manage to do it? How?

[Robert Kelly]

I thought you wanted me to say.

[Bobby Kelly]

What he said to me.

[Robert Kelly]

I have to use my stress whistle.

[Bobby Kelly]

I get. Okay, hang on. Unblow the whistle. Unblow the whistle.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna have to rewind all of this.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

He says to you.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're over there watching his stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Didn't know that. Apologies, Bobby. Unblow your whistle. Christina, I apologize. There you go. Put that back in there.

[Robert Kelly]

Because he said you're so funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

Absolutely.

[Robert Kelly]

I just spilled coffee all over my brain. Nike tech.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right.

[Robert Kelly]

Damn. This is why I don't wear a cool body.

[Bobby Kelly]

Brain.

[Robert Kelly]

Whatever, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Cool clothes.

[Robert Kelly]

Just the Clorox wipes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think that'll help.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not gonna.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Bleach it, dude. No, no. What are you talking about?

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, I don't know how to read, but I know how to it. I know common sense.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't hurt what's already.

[Bobby Kelly]

So he said, they're all watching my stuff, and they're. And they're hanging out. So she.

[Robert Kelly]

She tells him, Christine just pulled a secret snack out of her bag that we didn't know about.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, she lives with snacks in that bag.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that a cookie? Oh, it's a piece of pumpkin bread from earlier.

[Bobby Kelly]

You took a little bit. You took some later cookie. Weird. So Christine tells me all that, and I was like, oh, wow. I was like, oh, it is nice, I guess. But she says, definitely, he's drunk. He's hammered.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I don't know how he said he's drunk. And definitely the kind. I go, he wouldn't say he was drunk, but I'm 100% sober. So I'm like, yeah, he's drunk.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's definitely drunk. So then I go, I'm gonna go get gas and cigarettes real quick after I'm done the show. So I go, and I pull back into the driveway, and I get out of my truck, and I got stuff in my hands, you know, the stuff I bought and my jacket. And he goes out of his door. Big J. Yo. Big J. Goes, get over here. Get over here, Jake, get over here. And I. Again, I know it's not how he means it. I know it's not. But a genuine pet peeve of mine, very particularly. And I'm sure this isn't a bold statement. I'm sure it's a lot of people. I don't like being fucking summoned. I don't like that because it happens a lot to me. There's a lot of people who do that, just get kind of like a bold thing, whether it be a fan or something. He goes, jay, get the. Over here right now. My chick is dying for a picture with you. And you're like, dude, don't say it like that. I hate that.

[Robert Kelly]

I actually love it. And I run over and I'm like, where?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I don't run over. But it thinks, like, I don't. I know they don't mean it in a kind of a way. And I'm happy to take a picture with all these people. Just some people just ask in a weird way. I think they just don't know what to do. It's just social awkwardness. So he comes out as a. Get over here right now. Which I'm not doing. And I'm just kind of like, standing There like, oh, hey, man. And then he starts walking. I kind of met him in the middle of the street. And I was like, what's up, man? He goes, dude. He goes, I just talked to Christine earlier. She said that you were working or something, whatever. But we're all over here watching your clips dying, man. He goes, come on, Come in right now. You're having a drink with us. And I go, but I didn't brush my teeth yet. I'm in sweatpants and stuff, covered in dog hair.

[Robert Kelly]

This is stressing me out.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm covered in dog hair. I just go, oh. I was like, oh, man. I was like. I. I said, I can't right now. I said, I gotta get ready for work. And he goes, oh, come on, just a shot. Then come in for a shot. And I was like, no, I gotta work still, man. It's like one o'. Clock. I go, I gotta work. It's like one o'. Clock. And he goes, ah, okay. All right, all right. And then I was like, well, you have a good day, man. I go, so I'll come over for a drink soon. I'll come over for a drink with you guys at some point. And he's like, ah. Cause me and my boy. You're funny, man. That's good. And he goes and starts getting back into his house, and I'm almost in my house. And he goes, big J. Whoa. One more second. DJ Lee, you can't post this. He's definitely gonna see it if you post it like this.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't post any of that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

What are you doing? We're hoping he doesn't listen. He got a Sirius XM subscription today.

[Bobby Kelly]

He certainly is watching my clips.

[Robert Kelly]

He's 100% listening to the show right now.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know if he's listening to show, but he's definitely watching, like, the clips online. That's what he said he's doing, watching clips online. And by the way, I will have drinks with. I have no. He was drunk. I can understand. But he comes and then goes. It's just funny. He goes. He goes, jay, wait, whoa. Before you go, one more thing, man. I'm sorry, man. One more thing, one more thing. And I'm like, okay. I'm like. So I go back towards the street. I go. I go, what's up, man? He goes, I'm opening a new diner up. It's being remodeled right now, or on route, whatever. And I go. And I. I know where this is going. And I go, oh, good. I look forward, man. Trying the food. I'm like, is it going to be 24 hours? And he's like, nah. He gives me all, like, the reasons you can't do 24 hours anymore. I'm like, oh. I go, well, that's good luck. I look forward to trying the food. He's like, so I'm thinking, oh, boy, you know, I'll start doing, like, some comedy nights there. You know, you come through and maybe five minutes. I went. I was like, oh. I go, well. He's like, I know you're big. I know you're big. Which is, again, those statements. You're like, I know you're big. And you're like, I'm not saying I'm big. Like, you're putting that on me, like, as a sort of a thing. I'm like, no, it's just that, like, I definitely don't have time to go. Do you got time? And he's like, you go to. Yeah, Bobby, Bobby, you're gonna tell your story in a minute. You can tell your neighbor's story in a minute.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm in.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're gonna tell your story.

[Robert Kelly]

Mine's not giving me side gigs.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I know, but you said you made nice.

[Robert Kelly]

I made nice. I didn't make best friends.

[Bobby Kelly]

How fast you think I can make it? Not nice.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not having drinks with them. I'm not coming over for Thanksgiving.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not either.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, you are.

[Bobby Kelly]

And he goes, no, he asked me the thing. So now there's a lot of young comics. I go, there's a lot of young comics in Jersey that would probably love to have a place they can go do, like, once a week or something. Yeah. Thinking like, once a week or something. Goes, hey, you know, you can come by, like, five minutes. Five minutes. You come by, do five minutes or whatever. I was like, oh, man, look, you know, if I could help you out at all, man, I will. But I don't know, man, at all. And he goes, I got you, man. I got you. And I go, hey, man, you have a great day. And he just goes, you're real serious in person. He goes, I love your stuff, though, man. You're so funny because you're serious in person, though, huh? Oh, I'm like, you want to hear.

[Robert Kelly]

What he wanted back in? Guy's a fucking dick, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't say that.

[Robert Kelly]

He's not fucking cool at all. I didn't want to have a drink. He's not doing five minutes at the fucking diet something.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not the case because Christine left two Minutes after me, he came back out of the house to give her another dose.

[Robert Kelly]

What do you do? What do you do? Well, he told me that his friend had a totally healthy English bulldog. I'm putting Dawkins in the car. I have my arms full. I'm running late for the vet. And I was just like. He told me that his friend's English bulldog, there is nothing wrong with his five years old. She dropped it off at the groomer. Dead. I go, oh, my God, that's my worst fear. I go, are you out of your mind? This guy. Hey, tell.

[Bobby Kelly]

Anyway, tell serious Susan over there I don't need him no more for my fucking diner comedy show. The diner's not done yet. We always laughing. He wants me to agree to his future restaurants comedy show.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't wait till you. There's pictures all over the place of you in front of a pie. A spinning pie wheel.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, I do all the commercials. Is this. This is Boston cream pie real? This is too good.

[Robert Kelly]

Ah, dude, they just had friends over there partying because his wife's two in three weeks. Like, they're.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I feel no. I'm telling you, I feel no. Like, there's no weird thing with him at all. It was just a weird thing, buddy. He was hammered, I'm telling you.

[Robert Kelly]

At one in the afternoon, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know.

[Robert Kelly]

And he wanted you to come in to hang with him and his friends as they're watching clips. Everything about the story is weird. And he wants you to do gigs at a diner that's not open yet. This is nuts. And then he walks up to Christine and goes, yeah, dog's dead. Hey, how you doing?

[Bobby Kelly]

You take a dog to the groomer? I know. I took dog to the groomer. Dog died.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. This is all we. Also, this is the neighbor that saw me shoveling and came over and was like, no, no. And took the shovel out of my hands.

[Bobby Kelly]

Listen, he's a good. He's a good guy.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't let him do it. You can't let him do anything for you because you're going to owe him. You're going to owe him.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would rather have full swap swinger sex with him and his wife then do whatever that thing was.

[Robert Kelly]

This is how every up neighbor movie starts, by the way. Come here.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, right, exactly. I'm not giving enough back. And it's like, you're right. I'm worried that it's going in, you know, you're real serious. In real life. In real life. He said in real life. I'm like, huh?

[Robert Kelly]

Do you ever see Cable Guy?

[Bobby Kelly]

I go, you mean not on the Internet.

[Robert Kelly]

You ever see Cable Guy? This is Cable Guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah. He's gonna start giving me stolen goods in my house. Hey, you want this big tv?

[Robert Kelly]

You cannot accept anything from this guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

No gifts. For sure.

[Robert Kelly]

No gifts.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to go have drinks with them. I. At their house? Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait a minute. Let me ask you one more time. Do you. Is that when you come home?

[Bobby Kelly]

You want to go and ask me?

[Robert Kelly]

Go. Hey, Jay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Come on. I know you just got back from work. Come on over, have a couple of drinks with me. Me and the boys.

[Bobby Kelly]

I could probably do one or five. What's up?

[Robert Kelly]

Jay just becomes a regular guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bobby, I got to run out. I know you got to get down to the fat black pussycat, but I got poker night with the gu.

[Robert Kelly]

Jay's turning into a man. Jay's turning into a man. You're gonna start not painting your fingernails because the guys made fun of you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I take off in the summer because that's when I go for hunting trips with these guys.

[Robert Kelly]

You're gonna start smoking cigars?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll be covered in deer piss and ghillie suits.

[Robert Kelly]

If you come over last night at like 9:30, we probably would have gone over there, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was ready. I would have. I was ready to stab chopsticks through my eyes last night. Tuesday nights are the worst. He should have come last night at 9:30. I would have went over there and gotten obliterated with him.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, maybe you got a new friend, you know?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it was just weird at 12:30 and then 1 o'. Clock.

[Robert Kelly]

What's his name?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know. You know his name. Oh, first of all, dude, I know his name. I'm not going to say it on the radio. Italian fella, I think Greek. He said he's a diner owner. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Did he slap you on the back?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, he didn't slap me on the back at all. No, I like him. I like him very much. It was just funny dealing with somebody who's like a drunk neighbor at that time of day. And I said what it was. They were watching the thing. I don't know where it went. When he went back inside. I hope not bad.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, it's bad.

[Bobby Kelly]

But on the beginning, at the beginning of the beginning of it was there watching, he goes, daddy got his writer. Goes, that guy don't live over there. Go talk to him then. Yeah, well, just go ring his bell. He's your neighbor, right? Everybody said Come drink at noon.

[Robert Kelly]

Everybody in was preparing for Big J to come in. Cuz their leader was going to go get him. You know what I mean? Cuz he's the king of the neighborhood. I d. I got this. Jay, did you hear me? Where is he now? He's. He's got to go to where guys.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are go is what's going on. They had clips queued up for you to go over with him. Jay.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, Jay, when you. What were you thinking when you.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's exactly what happened. I would have went in there. Here's what would have happened. A movie, esque style. Bullying. A bullying situation like you've never seen. It would have been guys standing in a circle around me. They would have told me, the guy in the crew, that. That is funny. This fucking jerk off thinks he's funny over here because I don't think I'm funny. And I don't know. He just says, dude, this guy want to. Dude, fucking roast his ass. Yo, this guy's fucking girlfriend is 10 years younger than him. Roast his ass. Stuff like that. And you sit in there and I sit there with my. With my hands folded between my knees like this, sitting like. Okay, guys.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't wait till Jay comes home and he's in his Jacuzzi. Jay, what's up, buddy? You don't mind, do you?

[Bobby Kelly]

I think you want to come to the Jacuzzi. I think they mentioned about the Jacuzzi once.

[Robert Kelly]

The delivery day.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, delivery day.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, dude, you're part of a neighborhood now, brother.

[Bobby Kelly]

By the way, way better than you know. Lewis is going through a thing about his tree. What has happened with this tree? His neighbor came over, a black Karen, A Blarin, if you will. Or a K apostrophe. Aaron, Karen.

[Robert Kelly]

We got it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Q, Q, U, apostrophe A, R, O.

[Robert Kelly]

N. I don't like that. He looked at me, looked at me and went, karon. You don't know what apostrophe is, Bob. Thank you. I didn't get it.

[Bobby Kelly]

But now I also like the K U apostrophe A, R O, M. Oh, man, what's happening? She came over to him and did like a. I know why this would be annoying too. I'd said, if I was Lewis, I'd have moved for this one. My house would be on the market. She came over and said, hey, nice to meet you. I don't know we officially met yet. My name's blah, blah, blah. And I wonder if we could talk about your tree in the backyard. Lewis kind of had like the leaves go in your yard or something. She goes, yeah, they really do. And I just wonder if we can talk about. And he's like, on a meeting at the same time. So he's like, we could talk about it later. But she's like, I just want to see if we can get rid of it, you know, maybe split the cost of getting rid of it or something. He's like, well, I want to see, like, do I have to get rid of. You know? I was like, you're like. And she's doing the thing. And then as soon as he was again, he looked into it. He was like, I'm not really sure, you know, I got a few more things I got to look at to see if, like, the tree is. Does it need to come down or something. Because she was like, what? He said, he got mad was in that first conversation. She goes, and also, you know, like, if the tree falls down, you see where that's going? Like, that's going right in your house. And it's like, bitch, the tree straight up in the air. You have no fuck. You know, I mean, she's just doing that to kind of get him to be like, oh, geez. And he's just getting. He's like, well, I'm gonna go find out if that's, like, the case. And then right away she's like, I did the nice thing and came over. Like I'm supposed to. So now I guess if you just want to look up the guy that. The guidelines of the borough kind of like that. And like, ah, Christ. So he's in that now.

[Robert Kelly]

That sucks.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's all passive aggression. It's all in the. And I'm like, I can't live. Like. So this, I say, is nothing like that. I.

[Robert Kelly]

This is worse. You have to have a new friend. No, you have to do gigs at diners. You're going from stadiums to diners.

[Bobby Kelly]

You gotta make all your friends happy. Ye. Lewis knows where he stands with that woman this week.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't wait to read your.

[Bobby Kelly]

Your.

[Robert Kelly]

Your dates obituary. Big J's gonna be at the Comedy Works in Denver and then in New Jersey.

[Bobby Kelly]

Catch him at Patchy's Diner.

[Robert Kelly]

Everybody over there on Route 46 at 7:15.

[Bobby Kelly]

7:15. You can catch me on a very loud flyer that's got. That's the theme is Greek coffee cup.

[Robert Kelly]

You can see Bobby every Tuesday night. The fat black postcat and J Night. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Featuring Ponzo the magician and Gemini. Gemini, hosted by Aaron Burke. Let me. Let me throw this back at you.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Switching around like you run into Bradley Cooper, your neighbor, or you run into one of the other very. I live in neighbors you want to run into.

[Robert Kelly]

I live in a rich neighborhood.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, Bob, you're gonna be that psycho?

[Robert Kelly]

Are you gonna be his neighbor? I had no. I had a neighbor problem. Dude, I have a name.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're the neighbor problem to Ryan Reynolds.

[Robert Kelly]

No. No. Well, I don't live in. I live.

[Bobby Kelly]

You want to be.

[Robert Kelly]

I live in the section of Where. My town where you go try to.

[Bobby Kelly]

Watch him buy pastries.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I. I work in a good. I work in a grid. Yeah, and that when I'm trying to bump into him, right? Just to see if he wants to.

[Bobby Kelly]

Have a drink at 12 in the afternoon. Whatever you're asking is going to be a drink at noon to him.

[Robert Kelly]

First of all, I'm not going to ask anything. The first time. The first time. I was going to see if he catches any vibe off me. Dude, does anybody ever told you, I want to see if he goes, hey, do I know you? I'd be like, I know you, Dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was thinking Deadpool. Deadpool should have an alternate uniform. I don't know. I don't know, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

It doesn't matter that I have the. The Action Finger that I had him sign to me, not Max. I'm not gonna have. I don't have that on me. So what? It's just in my jacket. Who cares?

[Bobby Kelly]

My dawn makes the best Hamburger Helper. You got to come over sometime.

[Robert Kelly]

How dare you. How dare you say Hamburger Helper?

[Bobby Kelly]

She makes homemade Hamburger Helper.

[Robert Kelly]

No, she doesn't. She makes.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's it called?

[Robert Kelly]

She doesn't make Hamburger Helper.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's it called? You call it something Chop suey.

[Robert Kelly]

It's called American Chop Suey is Hamburger Helper, dude. It is not. It's American Chop suey.

[Bobby Kelly]

Your wife takes three hours to do what a fucking hand puppet does in 15 minutes.

[Robert Kelly]

You're lashing out at me because you fucking. You have new friends and you don't care about me anymore.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, yeah, I'm fine. These guys would fucking fight. These guys would die for me.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't have to worry about Ryan Reynolds and Chaz Palminteri going, hey, come on.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna run for local office. But let me tell you something. The let. The genuine letdown in his tone when he said that was definitely saying the inside things on the outside. He went, wow, you're real serious in real life, huh? Oh, my God. He said to me. I go, what is he wanting me to do. And I said, I think he's expecting. He's gonna. From he's watching. Not even best friends. He's gonna come over. He goes, come have a. Come hang out and do a shot with me and the guys. Like, what? And watch you queers just suck each other's dicks? So I'm like, I'm good, bro. Get the fuck out of here. And he's like, ah, Jay, you're fucking nuts.

[Robert Kelly]

That's exactly once. Exactly.

[Bobby Kelly]

And what I do is I squeeze my hand between my legs and I go, I have to get ready for work. I just take a shower. I promise. Can I make a bunch of promises for next week? Next week I'm gonna come over for dinner three times.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm telling you right now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, you're serious, huh? Damn. I didn't realize. I thought you were funny.

[Robert Kelly]

That is a nightmare for me to have somebody want me to be their friend in my neighborhood.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you were that nightmare for Ryan Reynolds.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, for Ryan Reynolds. But I told you, I don't live in Reynolds neighborhood. I live in where people work out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Of your way to stalk him.

[Robert Kelly]

The people who work for Ryan Reynolds. That's my neighborhood. Do you understand?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Like, his neighborhood is where Martha Stewart and other rich people live. Is on the other side of town. So you're buying it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Serfs live.

[Robert Kelly]

I live. Yeah, I live.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're in a slave quarter.

[Robert Kelly]

I live. I live. Where.

[Bobby Kelly]

I realize that.

[Robert Kelly]

I live where you know guys who work on the stock exchange, like, lower.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dinner at that place. I know we were in the guitar.

[Robert Kelly]

So he's like the.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's Wayne Manor, Gotham City.

[Robert Kelly]

There's two different parts of my town. There's Katona, and then there's Bedford. It's town of Bedford. But that Bedford is where, like, all the horses are.

[Bobby Kelly]

They don't live near you.

[Robert Kelly]

Rich people live. What's up?

[Bobby Kelly]

Exposed?

[Robert Kelly]

What are you talking about?

[Bobby Kelly]

He's not in your town. He's in Pound Ridge. It's.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, he moved. He just moved to Pound Ridge. He was in Bedford and he moved to Pound, which is the next town over.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, he just. He just moved to town over. To support your narrative.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, guess what? Guess what? Power Ridge doesn't have the element of pea bakery. Once you get hooked on it, you can't leave it.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's gonna go back there, and you're gonna find his ass.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, I'll tell you who Chevy Chase lives in my town. I have so many famous people I can get in touch with.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right? Me. Dude, I'll Be having laughs on a cabinet, big screen tv, watching this guy's high school football highlights. Exactly. Yo, you should have seen me go, dude, I was lightning. Look at that. Look at that hole right there. I hit. Look at that hole I hit right there.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't.

[Bobby Kelly]

We don't see running backs hit holes like that no more. You have football pals now. Yeah, dude, you got.

[Robert Kelly]

You got your crew, you got a pronouns, man. You got bros now. You got bros, bro.

[Bobby Kelly]

Die for me.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they will die.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, all of his boys.

[Robert Kelly]

You're gonna have to loosen up a little bit, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna have to loosen up. That's the problem. That's the. The wall I'm hitting here is like, I'm gonna have to play their game. I'm gonna have to be wild, crazy j for these guys. I'm gonna have to get looser in the neighborhood, I guess. Christine, look at. I'm throwing parties.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude, you for the boys.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yo, go over and hang out with the pregnant lady. The boys are coming over. We're getting a prostitute. We're all splitting her. Hanging out with Jay's animals.

[Robert Kelly]

They're gonna get jerseys.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, dude, Jay's gang. I don't want to be. I want to be this guy's gang.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you're not in.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to be in his game.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't have the personality to be in that gang. It's not your gang. It's his gang.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. And they go. They go, who's the wallflower over there? He goes, it's famous comedian Jay. Oke. Hi. They made me wear this and come here. How close is the nearest bowling alley?

[Robert Kelly]

You're going to be on a softball team.

[Bobby Kelly]

I might say yes to a softball team to not do comedy in a diner.

[Robert Kelly]

You're going to have Jay in left field. Nah, Jay, just stay out there, buddy. You're good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, and it's the diner. It's for the diner. Jay, would you mind performing at the softball team benefit? We're trying to get new shirts this year. Come on, big guy. We're looking for new equipment.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, you know they're going to be calling you for benefits.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, you can't do five minutes.

[Robert Kelly]

The kids.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, do five minutes in my future diner.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't wait. I can't wait till it goes down.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm committed heavily to five minutes at a future diner. I'll go his opening show, apparently. I think I also have to draw the audience, I guess. Or he wants me to do five minutes in front of his Just like one flyer up in the place.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, dude, if they put.

[Bobby Kelly]

Or it's going to be everybody he knows ever will be at the diner that night for my five minutes.

[Robert Kelly]

I hope it's you. And then his sister who sings before you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Me too. Me too. Dude, just Greek shit.

[Robert Kelly]

Just a night of entertainment. Tonight is entertainment now.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is my sister who does puppets with her boobs.

[Robert Kelly]

Enjoy your Musaki.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's gonna make the hair on the. On your back. Stand up, ladies.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, don't get too full this baklava after Jay. Ah. Dude, you're in trouble.

[Bobby Kelly]

You got a belly full of lamb.

[Robert Kelly]

And a fucking face full of laughs, dude. My guy, my neighbor. I love my neighborhood. I'm on a cul de sac so there's no 3 traffic which I've always wanted to live on. And when we moved in, you know the first, the first house we moved into, we had a purple house next door, which I thought was going to be trouble because anybody, anybody who's a maniac, who.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was just Steve Harvey's closet.

[Robert Kelly]

They did. They did that thing with me when I. There was bushes going over to their yard and I wound up ripping them out. I just panicked. I was like, I'll take care of that. And I ripped them out. And she said there was poison oak. It wasn't poison oak. It was just a bush. Yeah, but we don't have any.

[Bobby Kelly]

The tree that fucking whacked our house, that guy was like, I'm having that tree cut. Like he told us he was cutting it down. Yeah, and then they did. It was the most cool experience I've ever seen. It looks so fun. If I can go back in time, I'd have been a logger.

[Robert Kelly]

Now you're just a drop it logger.

[Bobby Kelly]

Good one.

[Robert Kelly]

Thanks, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

You got me. I take poops. More like gas, snacks, tolls.

[Robert Kelly]

This trip is draining my wallet. Yeah, but we'll be with family.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're in a good mood.

[Robert Kelly]

What's your deal?

[Bobby Kelly]

What's my deal? I saved at Metro with no activation fees and I got one line of.

[Robert Kelly]

5G for just $25 per month. Kept the phone I love and a 5 year price guarantee on my top.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tuxt and data detour to Metro.

[Robert Kelly]

Get that more for your money feeling only at Metro by T Mobile.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just bring your number. $30 first month at $25 after with autopay not available if T Mobile in the past 180 days. Guys, you know running a business is complicated. There's dozens of software programs that you need and they're all so expensive, and since they come from different companies, they don't always play nice with one another. But what can you do, right? Odoo that's what Odoo has all the software business owners need. We're talking sales, CRM, manufacturing websites, literally every kind of software and it's all on one platform, so it works together and it's quality software so you're not sacrificing. It's simply a better experience experience than a hodgepodge of programs. You'd expect to pay a premium for it, right? But that's the most amazing part about Odoo. This interconnected suite of business software costs less than the mini mash of disconnected programs you're currently using. So the question is, why spend more on software programs that are less efficient when Odoo's simple software platform can handle everything for a fraction of the price? Discover how Odoo can take your business to the next level by visiting odoo.com, that's o d o-o odoo.com a new.

[Robert Kelly]

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[Bobby Kelly]

You just like Giants fans.

[Robert Kelly]

We know. They're just. He's just a guy's guy. I like him. He's a. They're really great. To the right, they're a little more.

[Bobby Kelly]

Am I looking at your house on this right? Left, or am I looking away?

[Robert Kelly]

You're looking at my house. It's the. They're on the right. Okay. They're great. They're just, you know, they. They're just fun family, you know, I mean, but not too fun, you know, where it's loud and crazy, but, you know, they'll call us. I'd be like, look, their son isn't always in college, and the daughter, he'll be like, hey, they're having a party tonight. Just want.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. You want to get up with me and my wife at noon?

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's not definitely fun, but to the. To the left. If you look at my house, he's the type of guy that during the fall, he just rakes every day.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You can never see a leaf to the point where I'll come home and I feel shitty that there's le. You know, I can't rake every day, Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

But you're aware that, like, it's called fall. The leaves keep falling. If they create a season called fell. You could do this once and we could be done with it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. God named him. Leave. Leave him there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Leave him there.

[Robert Kelly]

One of my first jokes.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was me and Bobby doing a two man production of Bobby's early set when I met him.

[Robert Kelly]

Great joke, by the way. Marshmallow. At least I didn't sing it. Christine.

[Bobby Kelly]

You guys got a nice tape. We couldn't get through two open mic sets of Christine's comedy. What a great time we were having. So we are going to be having part two. Next week's pre record will be the. Christine's other set when she was more seasoned.

[Robert Kelly]

Right before my retirement.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think it's the show. They hung her jersey in the rafters. You did everything.

[Robert Kelly]

So I, I did just. They just did a little. You know, he rakes every day. He's retired. He's like a firefighter or whatever. Nice guy. The wife does the, you know, there's a farm that will, you know, she'll sit in her driveway and people come by and you kind of join this program and you can buy it once a week and get apples and, you know, fruit and stuff and it's from a farm and you pay like 30 bucks or whatever and you can just come by and get your stuff. And you know, I was like a.

[Bobby Kelly]

Membership to a farm.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's like a farm will deliver stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

Deliver.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they deliver assortment, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's pretty cool.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's cool. But it's. Dawn was like, no, it's mostly apples. I don't need that many apples. I'm not paying 30 bucks, whatever to just get apples and whatever. But she's very nice. They're very nice. But not the people over to. The people over to the right are more like me and dawn, you know what I mean? But the people to the left, like at, at 7:30 at night, you can see all the lights are off.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh Christ.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like that at all.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't like that either.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I'll tell my neighborhood deals with. With me. I have to say, just by our schedule, we have a brick driveway and for some reason, I guess our trash can wheels are made out of like whatever makes the most amount of noise against brick because there's no way to do this without it going. And it. Sometimes we go, it's like, oh shit, it's midnight. We forgot we got to take the trash out at night twice. They have to hear. And then I'll walk back and they're like, what the hell was that? And I go, oh, you didn't know? Here's it again. It's so crazy loud. I do feel bad. So I think I'm owed one Drunken accosting in the middle of the street. A month.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, it's not gonna be one. So they.

[Bobby Kelly]

The first time in a year that we have. We.

[Robert Kelly]

We've done work on the house, whatever, but, you know, some of the stuff. Whatever. We did it. And then it's like one of the last things we're gonna do is they have a. We have a shed on the side of the house that is to put stuff in, and the oil tank is in there, but there's a lot of room to sit.

[Bobby Kelly]

But the neighborhood children.

[Robert Kelly]

It was made for. It was made for the barrels, but the barrels in the last 10 years became bigger, Right? The city. The trash company will give you barrels, but they're bigger now. My barrels don't fit in it. So I had to leave my barrels in front of the garage, which I didn't like. I. I thought it was kind of cheesy. And, you know, everybody kind of takes their barrels in somewhere. I don't know where they take them, but they take them in. So I'm like, I'm gonna just raise it up, make it higher so my barrels will fit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just for the record, you're hammering home barrels, like, at me, right?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

And then so I.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's making me less irate now that I know that was all for me, because I'm like, no one says barrels as much. No one says, you're hammering.

[Robert Kelly]

The barrels didn't fit, so I needed a place to put the new barrels.

[Bobby Kelly]

New barrel sizes for your barrel holder. You weren't even calling it a shed anymore. You're going in the barrel holes for the barrels.

[Robert Kelly]

So I have my guy. You know what I mean? Fabian. He comes over. I go, hey, how much to do this? And great. He comes over and he. They just come over. It's a day's work. It's a day's work. They're just. I'm not moving it. I'm not making it bigger. I'm just making it higher. It's still in the same footprint print. It's just. There's nothing to it. And tall barrels. All of a sudden, the. The city inspector is there, and I'm like, yeah, city inspector. And they don't snitch, they don't around. I'm like, so I gotta go out and he.

[Bobby Kelly]

Part of an hoa. No, just a city inspector.

[Robert Kelly]

You in this town, my old town, you could do whatever you want.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. They didn't really give a. Ryan Reynolds didn't live there. There. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

This town, it's.

[Bobby Kelly]

You gotta Protect Blake Lively.

[Robert Kelly]

You gotta get everything through the city.

[Bobby Kelly]

Or those gay football dads will get you.

[Robert Kelly]

Bear. Bear. So I love those guys.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wish that guy would come out in the middle of the street and ask me to hang out. You gotta come over. Oh, my God. We have a dance studio in the basement. I go, shut the fuck up. I'll come hang out. Dance studio.

[Robert Kelly]

It's my gayest dad's birthday. You have to go over and be a guy. Guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, girl. I know. I know, exactly. They're gonna be like, dude, did you ever fix the. They're gonna go, the guy who lived there before was such a queen. They ever go in there and finally fix that thing? He didn't do it. Go, what?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Jay's gonna slowly take his mittens off under the table.

[Bobby Kelly]

That guy didn't even know how to caulk a tub. I go, what a fucking loser. I'm glad he's gone and I'm here now.

[Robert Kelly]

So. So the guy came, and he was a total. I think he was drunk, by the way. He was this little tiny dude drunk. And he's like, yeah, dude, one of your neighbors. I'm like, somebody called you? And he's like, yeah. I go, who? He goes, I can't tell you. But he just looked at that house. So he's like, you gotta. And he had the thing, the. The piece of paper with this city thing on.

[Bobby Kelly]

That guy didn't give a fuck if you killed your neighbor. No, he didn't care if you did that because that's. That's giving any advice. You don't know what that could lead to. That starts neighborhood wars.

[Robert Kelly]

Why? Well, I was like, well, what do I got to do? He goes, you got to go down to the city hall. You got to file for a permit. You got to give him drawings. You got to let them know what you're doing. And I was like, you kidding me, right? I'm not doing anything. He's like, it doesn't matter, because he's getting paid. This is his job. So I go down to city hall, wherever the fuck it is, whatever. I go up to the top floor, and I say to the lady and the guy. I go, is there the guy here? He comes out. I go, hey, what's up, bro? Listen, I'm just doing this. I'm making it taller. I'm not moving it. I'm not staying in the same foot. I'm just trying to put my barrels in the sorry. Barrels. Trash cans. Is that better?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm looking at that cheese Steak.

[Robert Kelly]

So I go, I've just made it taller. He goes, yeah, you can do that. You can do that. And I was like, I can do it. He goes, oh, did he already file the thing now? I'm sorry, it's already filed. You can't now, But I wish you just came here first. I would have just let you do it, but now you can't. Thousand, thousand dollars to get this done. I had to pay a fine and I had to pay for the permit to get this done. Then. So work is stopped. The only thing left that they had to do was put the doors on hinges and we're done. That's it. And I had to go back. I was so mad. I had to go back to the house. Everything shut down. And I wait for them. And he goes, it's gonna take a while because I got a lot of stuff, a lot of these things I have to go through. So I'm like, well, how long? He goes, I don't know. Weeks. I was like, weeks. I go, I'm just gonna put the doors on, bro. He's like, look, I'll try to fast track it, but blah, blah, blah. So I go back and the neighbors are coming down and I had the thing in my hand, the stop work order that I had, I had to put on my thing. And I just look old. Bobby would have been like, you know, what the fuck? Why you couldn't have called me? You couldn't, you know, blah, blah, blah. I just said, hey, just to let you know. I went down. We. We had a, you know, get the permit and blah, blah, blah. And she was like, what? Oh, no, I didn't call them on you. I called them because we're. We were going to put a fence in. I ca. I called them to come down and just look at our. See if we could put a fence in, what it would be. And I was just like, right, bitch. I was just grinding my teeth. But it's not.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not.

[Robert Kelly]

Here's the thing. It's not worth. In my brain, I'm like, if I start a war with them, I'm. Everything I do right?

[Bobby Kelly]

You're already in it.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're in it. You don't even know it.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm out.

[Bobby Kelly]

They're plotting.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm out.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, they went. They, they. They are not aggressive. So they took your passive aggressive and went home and got behind your back. Aggressive. Trust me, there's hatred for you in that household.

[Robert Kelly]

Nope.

[Bobby Kelly]

You think there's not, but they are.

[Robert Kelly]

Nope. I had don make them cookies for Christmas.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Keep your enemies close, dude. That's how it works.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what I think it stemmed from? From. From Halloween. We didn't go to their house.

[Bobby Kelly]

You didn't go by their house?

[Robert Kelly]

Max went to every other house except that house, but their lights are off.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are they giving out toothbrushes or something?

[Robert Kelly]

No, their lights are off.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't think anyone doesn't like a neighbor kid. Because they don't come to their house for Halloween.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, she said it.

[Bobby Kelly]

She said, we noticed you didn't come.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, it was right near Halloween. And I was like, yeah. You know, she's like, oh, you guys, I. I went down to the thing. She goes, why didn't you guys combine? Hi. I go, all your lights are off. You guys were. I didn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thought you guys were, like, spooky, right?

[Robert Kelly]

She goes. She goes, that deserve way more.

[Bobby Kelly]

You lights were all off.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Halloween, spooky.

[Robert Kelly]

She goes, no, we were up. We had candy. I guess nobody went to the house, which is kind of sad.

[Bobby Kelly]

Everybody hates them.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you gotta have the lights on. If I don't see a TV playing in the window, I'm not. Not going. Like, I'm not sending Max out.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't go to rats for candy.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, here's the thing is, she's. How am I supposed to. She was like. She said. She said to me, we were called for the fence. What if he did come over to look at the fence, but then saw them working on something? I can't prove that. And I can't go to war. You can't have a. You.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't have a kind of relationship with BJ and the boys. That's what we call ourselves, Big J and the Boys. You're not the leader, huh?

[Robert Kelly]

You're not that. You were. You were going to be the leader.

[Bobby Kelly]

If I would have been. If I would have been three seconds of funny for this guy outside on the street, I would have been the leader.

[Robert Kelly]

All you have to do is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now he knows I got you. You're uncomfortable with me.

[Robert Kelly]

All you do is stick the head in the. Fellas, what's up? I'm on my way to work, but hey, have fun. Is that me? What the fuck? All right, I'll send you some more clips later. Have my guy do that thing I said it over. I'm gonna be at the diner and whenever it opens up, so I expect all you guys to buy tickets, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

You guys better be there for my diner show. You guys all gonna be there for the diner Show.

[Robert Kelly]

That happened to me with my cigar lounge, though. When I first joined, one guy told another guy, and all of a sudden it's like, why don't you do a show here? I did a show at Ridgefield and they tried to get me to do a show there. I didn't do it. I did a show to RIDGEFIELD and all 50 guys from the cigar lounge showed up. But you remember my first glasses? I got the black, fat rim, black glasses. They all showed up wearing those glasses in the crowd.

[Bobby Kelly]

Weird. I was like, are all of them old bookies?

[Robert Kelly]

No, they just showed up. They thought it was guy one of guy. We'll fun if we all have the same glasses as that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, oh, the shtick. I thought you said everyone just had old man glasses.

[Robert Kelly]

No, they just did it as a stick.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's so funny.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but you get used to it because you'll be doing a lot of sticks in the future.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's fine.

[Robert Kelly]

At least I don't have to talk to my neighbor.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's fine. I know, because they're rats.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they are.

[Bobby Kelly]

They rat you out. They can't wait to turn you in. Maybe not this guy.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm so nervous to do anything now. Like, I'm so nervous to even be. It's so uncomfortable when your neighbor isn't cool because now you can. I can't. I'm afraid to be loud. And I'm like, I smoke cigars on the back, and it's like I have to muster up courage and be like, it. This is my house. I'm smoking a cigar because I'm waiting for the. The her to come over and go, could you not smoke cigars?

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine, could you absolve my guilt and see if there. If not, by the way, we should hit shark tank with this. Some kind of a booty you can put over your trash can. Wheels that make it not make noise when you walk them out. If not, that's something we should invent immediately. Immediately. A tire booty for your loud plastic trash can tires. It should be a thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Why don't you just get a. Like, almost like a red carpet that goes down your thing so it doesn't make noise.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's trashy. I thought about that. I know you were kidding, but I thought about doing a cardboard, like, thing.

[Robert Kelly]

But no, get a red carpet and put stanchions up. It's almost like it's an event when you put the garbage out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Or maybe a step and repeat.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And have a little light going back and forth like a Hollywood premiere.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, nice. Hey, everybody. Welcome to me taking the trash out.

[Robert Kelly]

James. Yeah, you're fucking nuts. I saw your stanchions last night, kid.

[Bobby Kelly]

With quiet wheel replacements. No, it doesn't need.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's. He has a cobblestone driveway.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not cobblestone, it's brick. But, like, it's just something about when it rides over.

[Robert Kelly]

Cobblestone is brick.

[Bobby Kelly]

It is, sure.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now, I'll tell you, there's a simple solution for this. There's booties you could put over these things.

[Robert Kelly]

You're not going to get fucking wheel booties. Maybe don't get wheel booties. There's no such. There's no such thing as a wheel boot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, thank God you're not Mr. Wonderful or Lori Greiner.

[Robert Kelly]

First of all, you get wheel booties. Gonna have to be uggs. They're gonna have to be like designer wheel booties.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe we could talk about. We could talk about a collab or a partnership.

[Robert Kelly]

We got Louis Vuitton wheel booties.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's very possible. I bought corn brand dog clothes for Dawkins.

[Robert Kelly]

Does. Does this guy. He must follow you, right? Has he hit you up in your DMs? Has he slid into your DMs yet?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

You sure?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't wait till that happens.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna lean in hard. I'm gonna be part of this. I'm gonna become part of this crew.

[Robert Kelly]

You should.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It's the only way out is in.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I said I gotta say what I'm just. I guess when I'm just at home, dude, I'm like, lost. Like, I want to kill myself. So I gotta find something to do. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You got friends now?

[Bobby Kelly]

Now I have friends across the street.

[Robert Kelly]

Go play cards.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine. I'll be back when I'm back. When the boys are done.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm getting you. I'm getting you a brand new mahjong. Upset.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's up, guys? Y' all ready to have a good time? Laughing with not serious J. Yo, remember? You guys thought I was serious. You lunkheads. Get over you guys. I'm giving y' all a bunch of punches. This guy over here is opening a diner. Am I right?

[Robert Kelly]

I hope he never talks to you again. Because of the first. Because of your first encounter. He's like, him, my guts. Oh, they probably hate you right now. As soon as he walked in, it was like, this guy's a dick, man. How was he?

[Bobby Kelly]

Night.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you know how excited they were when he was going to get big JJ. They watch TV.

[Bobby Kelly]

Two times he came to get me. Yeah. One time he had me on the hook. I shook free. I'm becoming best friends with this guy.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you should, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you show him your truck lights?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

You gotta. Yo, dude, check this out.

[Bobby Kelly]

During the day, bro, that's fire. You know, he's a 50 year old guy who says fire? Still, that's fire.

[Robert Kelly]

But you got to be careful though, because. What?

[Bobby Kelly]

You.

[Robert Kelly]

You should test it out because what if he is a great guy?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I already think he's a great guy.

[Robert Kelly]

What if.

[Bobby Kelly]

You think.

[Robert Kelly]

What if he becomes like your new best friend like you? You don't have a straight friend. You need a square friend.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I don't.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you do.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not even a one.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you do. You need a square friend. Do you need a regular guy friend?

[Bobby Kelly]

Nope.

[Robert Kelly]

Yep.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, you do. I don't.

[Robert Kelly]

You knew. You need. You got to stop. Hey, you only hang out with. With comics and people in the business. You need a regular guy in your life.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You need a bro.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, I need a boyfriend.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you're right, Bobby. I need a boyfriend.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. You and Christine get in a fight, you need somewhere to go. Dude, she did it again. I told you, man. You just gotta let her go through these things. My wife's going through it now.

[Bobby Kelly]

I might try going gay, spice things up.

[Robert Kelly]

You have to go gay full. You can just go, bro. You know what I mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know. I think I'd rather have gay sex with this guy and all of his friends than do whatever it is he wanted me to do when I went over there.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't wait till Jay comes home.

[Bobby Kelly]

Before I'd rather perform. I would have rather taken all of them individually as they use my holes like a slut.

[Robert Kelly]

My favorite part is free use.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay. They're gonna call me when Jay.

[Robert Kelly]

Jay comes home tired after a show, excited, and he just says, ding dong.

[Bobby Kelly]

Get your fucking ass in fucking Cassidy. Tim.

[Robert Kelly]

That's the worst sound ever. When you're in your house and your doorbell rings.

[Bobby Kelly]

I saw you come home and thought you'd want to be both. Maybe we could do walkie talkies from the window. I'll do a walkie talkie system with this guy. I'm telling you, we're gonna become besties.

[Robert Kelly]

Jay, you up? Over.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm telling you, we're the weirdos.

[Robert Kelly]

Jay, are you up? Over.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm. I'm completely content to believe that we are the weirdos. We are the one that is. I'm sure in many ways, especially you see somebody who's home during the day. The times that we're home during the day, he's being a fantastic. That's why I said. I said it outside. But I was like, I got a funny storyteller. But I go, but the guy's not. Not because Christine was even like, well, oh, what if he listens? I go, oh, he could. It's nothing. Listen, I'll be happy to say at a time when I see him sober, I was like, yo, you guys were celebrating, huh? Over there. Like, I could talk to him like that, I think, but it's just like. It's just more that what it was in the moment and this and the end of that caught me so hard when he just goes, hey, you're serious in real life, huh? Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You're not a fun guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

So let down by that, he goes, thought you were gonna call me a noodle head or something. He thinks I should. I should say, I thought you were gonna call me a stad.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, he had such high expectations.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know?

[Robert Kelly]

He was looking out the window too. Oh, yeah, he was waiting to catch Jay.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's like, yo, guys, set up a game, Monopoly. I'm get him over here to play with us. I bet he has a full game of Monopoly.

[Robert Kelly]

When you go over his house, you're gonna see binoculars in the windowsill. Hey, what are these for? Oh, nothing. I just, you know, bird watch.

[Bobby Kelly]

They have a baby due, like, any minute, right?

[Robert Kelly]

Three weeks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Three weeks away. A baby do. Yeah, he needs watching.

[Robert Kelly]

He needs something.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay, I didn't know you were leaving. Leaving just now?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I didn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

My new goal.

[Robert Kelly]

I've been watching you all morning through these binoculars.

[Bobby Kelly]

Guys, here's my new goal. I'm gonna become this new baby's godfather.

[Robert Kelly]

If you're listening, Jay wants to be the godfather.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you're listening, I will go through all the process of becoming the godfather's child. And then if anything should happen to you, I will raise your child in the Catholic or Christian faith, whatever it is, whichever one it is. I won't muck up the waters with any of my Jewish bullshit.

[Robert Kelly]

I just. I just. I just.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just look like I was Jewish. She goes, I know what's weird, because I feel like I'm the only Jew in this neighborhood. And you go, what?

[Robert Kelly]

I just pray.

[Bobby Kelly]

Big J's a what?

[Robert Kelly]

I just pray that this relationship just. I really pray that this guy does not give up after this first. Oh, yeah, I pray.

[Bobby Kelly]

I pray that you don't try to change anything on your lawn before your stooly ass neighbors tell on you.

[Robert Kelly]

I. Well, you know, that's fine. At least they're not going to ring my doorbell to come over parties at work.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, they're going to have the cops ring your doorbell to have Max taken out because they're just going to say they heard you yelling once and think you're abusive. Know what's worse? I think I would go. I'd rather have Bobby's neighbors.

[Robert Kelly]

Of course you would.

[Bobby Kelly]

What? Yeah, I mean, a bad neighbor can ruin your. Your beautiful home like it ruin you. You would want to move. But now you have best friends that you have to. I don't have best friends. You have a crew. I got a crew.

[Robert Kelly]

You have a crew.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's different. Your rider dies.

[Robert Kelly]

You. You're either going to have an enemy. This is the problem. You're either going to have an enemy or a new best friend friend. There's no middle ground.

[Bobby Kelly]

Of course, there's a whole bunch of other possibilities to this. There's the I could end up his wife in some kind of a Lifetime movie twisted thing, and then he kidnaps and kills Christine and then all kinds of stuff. That sounds fun.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's an enemy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You're either. You're either gonna. He's either gonna not like you or he's gonna love.

[Bobby Kelly]

No reason for him not to like me.

[Robert Kelly]

Yep. Well, there is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Today there isn't.

[Robert Kelly]

He walked in, he goes, not what I expect.

[Bobby Kelly]

I gave him a lot of engagement.

[Robert Kelly]

You gave him nothing.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was very matter of fact and serious. You didn't.

[Robert Kelly]

You met him. You didn't even go. You didn't even go to his house. You met him halfway in the street.

[Bobby Kelly]

He summoned me over. Because you're his pal, you do it, huh? Bobby, I would have ran over. Get here, boy. Don't sit the down.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll do whatever you want. I want to be friends, man. He really thought you were more of a party than you are.

[Bobby Kelly]

Everyone does.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, you know, Jay, you know, you are. You're a dude, a wet firecracker. He went back and he went, j Big the dud J. That's what he is. Loud trash can.

[Bobby Kelly]

I am a letdown. I'm such a let down. People gathering, the Juggalos. How many people go, goes, dude, I got coke. And I go, I don't do coke. And they go, come on, that's fucking normal.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, I know they don't believe it. They can't believe the Thing what? Isabelle, Isabella's the best because Isabella, like, goes like all our friends. Because all my friends when I was growing up would be like, they go, your dad. You know what your dad does? And the thing. And they see me smoking pot. Because you probably been smoking weed with your dad since you were 17 years old. And she was like, what? She's like, have you met this guy? No, they have not. I would never. I'd be so wigged out. But I'm still wigged out by.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what's gonna be so fun is when he's doing tummy time over that guy's house.

[Bobby Kelly]

That'll be fun. I go, dude, if you could set up a tummy time area, I would hang more.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, man, do you know who Joe Mataris is?

[Bobby Kelly]

Come over here. Jump on the bed. Get over here.

[Robert Kelly]

This is how me and Bobby became friends.

[Bobby Kelly]

You want to watch a docu series? It's gonna blow your mind. This guy keeps going, jay, I set.

[Robert Kelly]

Up a separate bed downstairs for me and you to do tummy time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, what if after I'm there for an hour, he goes, yeah, this ain't working out like I thought. I thought you were gonna be funnier.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm telling you right now. It's either. He's gonna.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is this your bed stuff?

[Robert Kelly]

He's gonna not like you or fucking love you.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's no reason to not like me.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, if you don't fucking do what he. If you don't live up to his expectations of you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Listen, all right, I gotta become the godfather of this child and do one 5 minute set a week at this guy's diner.

[Robert Kelly]

Don't forget, hang out. You gotta go over there in the afternoon and get fucked up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I subliminally said it's Tuesday because that's the one day I'm off normally at night. So now I need to fill it with a diner show. Say you don't wanna be home without saying it, Christine. I have to do this diner show or we're gonna have a weird thing with the neighbors.

[Robert Kelly]

When we, me and Don were picking this house, we looked at one house that was way out. No neighbors. Was way out. South Salem. But in my head, because I had neighbors so close at that old house, I was like, this would be nice to just go out in the backyard. I could be naked. I could scream. I could do whatever I want and not have to worry about anybody else. Which is great, Great. But it is. It's a little. It would be a little. It would be too lonely for Max, it's eerie. Also, I love that, though. I love being out in the woods, have nobody around you.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I think on a daily life, I think dawn, that's going a lot.

[Robert Kelly]

It would be. Well, she was the one who said, I can't. I'm not. I'm not going to be out here in the middle of the night and, you know, just me and Max. That's too creepy. Because. Because the problem is if you see headlights coming up, you're dead. Like someone's coming to kill you. But. Yeah, well, I hope this. I hope this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that was someone's. That was somebody's neighbor in Costa Rica trying to get a spider off a wall.

[Robert Kelly]

I just. I just had.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you're wondering what the correlation was.

[Robert Kelly]

I just had the surf guy, we did surfing. They hit me up on instant messenger trying to get my bank information today.

[Bobby Kelly]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. He was like, hey, man. And I don't. He didn't do it in accent, but I would just read it next.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, man, mondo time hanging out.

[Robert Kelly]

We need your bank information. I go, yo, Bright, paid you in cash. And then he goes, all right, bro. Hey, man, don't be scared of spiders. They're not that big.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not what he said.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he did.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, don't be spared spiders, you weirdo.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Well, Jay, this is gonna be. This is gonna be great. I can't wait for the next episode of.

[Bobby Kelly]

Of BJ and the Boys.

[Robert Kelly]

BJ and the Boys.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, dude, for sure.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. You're gonna have to go over there soon.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, yeah, we gotta take a crew picture. We gotta take a crew picture. I think I'm gonna start wearing a lot more short sleeve button down shirts. I feel like that's the. That's the look I'm gonna bring into this crew.

[Robert Kelly]

You gonna get a bowling shirt?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, like a bowling shirt. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Jay's gonna start new Big J.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then I'm gonna start having weird tan lines on the back of my neck because I wear my sunglasses backwards. My neck. Yes. Do you know there's still Oakley stores? They still sell Oakley's? I'm about to find out.

[Robert Kelly]

This is gonna be great. We should have the callers call in with weird neighbor, terrible neighbor situations.

[Bobby Kelly]

Black Lou had something funny to tell us too, when he. When we come back about his neighbors thing. So we'll get into that and then. Yeah, call up everybody. 866-969. 1969. It's the last live show of the week. We got a pre record for you tomorrow, but I mean, call in today and talk to us guys. Talk to me. I promise you, I'm much funnier. In real life, Jay's a dud. In real life, wet match dude, he was so, like. It was so real. I still. I don't know if he, like. I don't know if he was sober if he would have said it out loud. He goes, hey, he real serious. In real life. Real life. In real life, you're watching me at a. You're watching clips of me at a comedy show on the Internet.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, I just got the high hat from that silly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's not the guy from tires. What does that say? Can I read that? Oh, yeah, go back to that. Captain D, our old friend Captain D says, jay, I gotta admit, I avoided my neighbors for years and years. This past year, I finally got friendly with the dude across the street. It's been awesome. Hanging out and smoking, helping out with anything. Oh, no, no. That's what I hope to have with this guy. Genuinely. It was just today. He was drunk. I was not. It was noon. That's the whole story of today. And it was just like.

[Robert Kelly]

But don't forget, he beckoned you.

[Bobby Kelly]

He also. I didn't love the summoning.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he summoned you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do not like being summoned.

[Robert Kelly]

He summoned you and then called you a dud to your face.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then he employed me. And then he employed me. He also did say out loud, I'll pay you in food. Which was weird. He did say, goes. He goes, I'll pay you in food, then I'll feed you. I'm like, yeah. What? I'd hope so. At very least. I am doing your show. I'm doing five minutes a week at your show for free. Big J's Comedy Hour at the Old Future Diner. Bobby. Kelly. Kelly. Where's he gonna be? I'll tell you where. McCurdy's Comedy Theater in Sarasota. He's leaving there tomorrow, right? You're going tomorrow?

[Robert Kelly]

Friday and Saturday, I'll be there. I'm leaving to go to tomorrow? Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're leaving tomorrow?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You like to go in early and get a little. Little friend time with an old counter?

[Robert Kelly]

Little count of time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Try to get him to walk and yell at him and scream at him to walk like he's a Awakenings character. Get up and walk. That's this Friday and Saturday. Is Kalta coming to hang out? The show shows.

[Robert Kelly]

Cal, just come. Yeah, we. He's coming down Sarasota. We're hanging out. Lynn Coppolit's on Friday. Night Middlin. She's actually. What? Yeah, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

She lives down there, right?

[Robert Kelly]

She lives down in Florida. But she's. I think she's headlining Thursday and Sunday and she's gonna middle for me. Oh. Feature for me on Friday.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nice. Yeah. Ask you that or they just assigned that?

[Robert Kelly]

No, she called me and asked me if that'd be okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

So nice. That's awesome.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it should be.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's awesome. I miss Lynn.

[Robert Kelly]

I love her.

[Bobby Kelly]

We did a TV show together for two years.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, she's the best.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bobby's gonna be, of course. Soda this weekend. Friday, Saturday after that, Poughkeepsie comedy work south in Colorado and Batavia, Illinois. For tickets and all their tour dates go to punch up dot Live Robert Kelly and check out his YouTube page at robert Kelly Comedy. And every Tuesday night the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge at the Comedy Sewer.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a comedy club.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's comedy club.

[Robert Kelly]

That's an actual comedy club. And Big J is. He's going to be at Good nights in Raleigh this weekend.

[Bobby Kelly]

I might do. I might add a diner show to that. I might add a diner show to all my runs so I can get ready this weekend.

[Robert Kelly]

Tickets still limited. Tickets still available. Chicago Improv the 22nd through the 24th. Then he's gonna be in West Nyack and Dania beach and then Fort Worth, Nashville. For tickets and other tour dates please go to Big J comedy.com and he's going to be working the Baklava diner out in Jersey. YouTube.com epic jokers for his live show.

[Bobby Kelly]

And a special live streaming tomorrow night.

[Robert Kelly]

We'll be back shortly. It's the bonfire calling all daydreamers and date nighters. Come immerse yourself in the rich culture of Texas and dig into our mouth watering barbecue. Trailblazers can explore our natural wonders.

[Bobby Kelly]

And.

[Robert Kelly]

Beach lovers will wonder why they've never felt so relaxed before. Before you're invited to discover experiences you can only find in Texas. Visit traveltexas.com and plan your trip today. Let's Texas.

[Bobby Kelly]

America. America, you used to be so fun but now you go to bed at night scrolling on your phone. Well listen up America. Carnival is here. There's comedy and snorkeling and dining like everything from the sea to shining sea.

[Robert Kelly]

Find your fun again today. Carnival is calling.

[Bobby Kelly]

Save up to 40% off your cruise.

[Robert Kelly]

Vacation offer Plastic cruise fair only restrict and supply.

[Bobby Kelly]

Visit carnival.com for details. Ships registry the Bahamas and Panama.