Good Life Metallica

Summary

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The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: "Good Life Metallica" | April 7, 2026 | SiriusXM Faction Talk

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Episode Overview

This episode captures Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly in classic Bonfire form—returning to their favorite territory: roasting musicians past their prime, reflecting on the comedy and music scenes, and winding their way through wild stories with regulars like Rich Voss and Christine. The main threads: a satirical riff about how successful rock bands lose their creative "dark edge," a hilarious detour into Ari Shaffir’s cursed guinea pig story, comedy business gripes, and some honest (and graphic) confessions about bodily accidents.

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Key Topics & Discussion Points

1. Rock Stars Past Their Prime: "Good Life" Metallica

• [01:21-04:18] Jay and Bobby riff on Marilyn Manson’s fall from edgy grace and poke fun at Metallica and other veteran bands for no longer being able to replicate their youthful angst.

• Observation: Artists who "make it" lose the desperation that drove their best work, leading to songs about domestic luxury rather than emotional turmoil.

  “That’s the point; young music-making seems so much better than when they’re seasoned and have an actual story to tell… you can’t have a ‘Fade to Black’ when your lyrics are about your reflecting pool or petting your horse.”
  – Robert Kelly (02:24)

• They improvise "Good Life Metallica" lyrics, imagining songs about privilege: "I’ve got 90 Porsches and an…", "Vacationing in Fiji," "Finally had to switch my maid, making my own lemonade" (02:52–03:51).

• Jay: “When you get a certain amount of happiness, dude, it kills all creativity.” (03:51)

2. Musician Mortality & Legacy

• [05:10–07:23] The comics shift to talk of musicians who died young vs. those who lived long enough for their careers to cool. They blend dark humor with conspiracy jokes about the deaths of Chris Cornell and Anthony Bourdain, mock "27 Club" lore, and discuss how dying at the peak freezes your legacy.

  "If you die while people are still actively hyped on your new music, legend forever."
  – Robert Kelly (06:16)

• Jay, deadpan: “He [Chris Cornell] was killed by the government. Hillary Clinton allegedly killed him. They knew too much. Do your research, bro.” (05:24–05:38)

3. Biggie Smalls’ Daughter’s Steakhouse

• [08:07–09:39] Bobby and Jay joke about "Big Papas," a new steakhouse allegedly opened by Biggie’s daughter. They razz the concept and the notion of burning Biggie’s likeness into burger buns.

  "They burn a picture of Biggie Smalls into the top of the buns… That looks like a plate of bullshit."
  – Robert Kelly (08:09–08:50)

4. Ari Shaffir’s South America, Guinea Pig Curse Story

• [11:13–14:44] Jay recounts a long, map-based hang with Ari Shaffir, who told tale after tale from his eight-month road trip (but left out the infamous "curse removal via guinea pig" story). The crew pieces together from secondhand info the bizarre account, featuring folk rituals in rural South America, dead guinea pigs, and supposed curses on Ari’s feet.

  "Three hours in my truck and you didn’t say a fucking word about a curse."
  – Big Jay Oakerson (15:00)

• Christine (14:46): “The native people… saw white people, tourists coming a mile away and tricked him.”

• Robert: “They said they had to get a guinea pig, wave it over his whole body, put it over his foot, and it died. Then they cut it open and the curse came out, like, weird green something.” (17:31)

5. Heroics & Comedy Community Legends

• [21:34–23:39] The guys joke about “heroics” in the standup community after learning about Yamanika Saunders confronting an arsonist in a Harlem playground bathroom, and Christine unplugging a space heater at home.

  "She’s not going to be in the Justice League. Like, she’ll get invited to the mixer, but she’s not gonna fight in the battle…"
  – Big Jay Oakerson on Christine’s "hero" status (23:13)

6. Comedy Biz & Piracy

• [29:05–34:39] Jay and Bobby gripe about old "What's Your F*cking Deal" specials being pirated and uploaded to YouTube by a channel ("the Wits"), racking up subscribers and views without their knowledge. They compare YouTube numbers and discuss content theft in a tone that fluctuates between indignation and resignation.

  "They just took your whole special, dude. Put up a cease and desist!"
  – Big Jay Oakerson (32:23)

• Christine: “I literally have those files on a hard drive at our house. Did they film it and you didn’t know?” (32:01)

7. Fashion Detours: The 'Inside Out' Muppet Shirt

• [35:39–38:41] The comics roast an old shirt Robert wore onstage—an inside-out Animal-from-the-Muppets tee—and the odd fashion outcomes of big-and-tall comedian wardrobes.

  "It was one of them. It’s a good brown shirt. That night in jail."
  – Robert Kelly (38:40)

8. Bathroom Confessions

• [47:12–49:30] In full Bonfire overshare fashion, the crew admits to accidental "pants incidents," swapping numbers and stories, with Jay and others tallying their adult mishaps for a solid five minutes of laughter.

  "I think I have like three, maybe, in my adult life."
  – Robert Kelly (48:08)

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On faded glory:
  "Life ain’t what it used to be – vacationing in Fiji."
  – Robert Kelly, joking as ‘Good Life Metallica’ (03:23)

• On “Good Life” songwriting subjects:
  "Seven houses and my little tiny dog who I love."
  – Big Jay Oakerson (03:19)

• On dying young as a rock star:
  "If you die while people are still actively hyped on your new music, legend forever."
  – Robert Kelly (06:16)

• On the Ari guinea pig story:
  "Over Ari’s foot… Well, dude… a lot of animals would take their last breath over that bird foot."
  – Big Jay Oakerson (17:55)

• On comedy community 'heroes':
  "She’ll get invited to the mixer… but she’s not gonna fight in the battle."
  – Big Jay Oakerson on Christine (23:35)

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|---------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:21 | Start of “Good Life Metallica” riff | | 02:52 | Improvised “good life” Metallica lyrics | | 05:24 | Dark humor about Chris Cornell, Bourdain, and musician stardom | | 08:07 | Biggie Smalls steakhouse discussion | | 11:13 | Ari Shaffir’s South America travel stories begin | | 14:46 | Christine on “curse scam” with indigenous rituals | | 17:31 | Details from the guinea pig curse story | | 21:34 | Eskimo/Alaska whaling and odd regional details | | 23:13 | Comedy heroes/not-really-a-hero debate with Christine | | 29:05 | Pirated specials on YouTube (“Wits” channel) | | 35:39 | Muppet shirt/inside-out fashion and show taping stories | | 47:12 | Crew’s confessions of adult “pants incidents” |

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Overall Tone & Style

Irreverent, loose, barbed without being mean, the tone throughout is the Bonfire’s classic brand of free-association ball-busting, deep cuts from the comedy world, and self-deprecating confessions. No one is safe, including themselves—especially on topics (and bodily mishaps) most would avoid.

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For New Listeners

If you want an unfiltered hang with two of New York's sharpest and rawest comics, this episode is a prime cut: funny, a little gross, and always relatable—whether they’re making fun of rock star lifestyles, roast-battling the stand-up community, or just swapping stories about shitting their pants.

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Subscribe to The Bonfire for more madness every week on SiriusXM!

Transcript

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I have great news.

[Malcolm in the Middle Promo Announcer]

Malcolm in the Middle is back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My life is fantastic now in a four part event.

[Christine]

All I had to do is stay

[Big Jay Oakerson]

completely away from my family. Your biggest problem is that we exist.

[Malcolm in the Middle Promo Announcer]

Everyone's invited to the Can't Miss reunion of the year.

[Christine]

This family's behavior is toxic to me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We'll just take turns fighting and creating disasters.

[Christine]

That's what families do.

[Malcolm in the Middle Promo Announcer]

Malcolm in the Middle Life's still unfair premieres Friday, April 10th on Hulu and Hulu on Disney. For bundle subscribers. Terms apply.

[Jacob]

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[Robert Kelly]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly. Man, I miss Young Manson. Before the drugs got a hold of him. When he was using them. Not addicted to them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When he was using them, they weren't using him.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, exactly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Weird.

[Robert Kelly]

Before they were using him, when he was using them. Yeah, Making cool songs like this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Looking very bisexual.

[Robert Kelly]

He just won't have another song like this ever. His new songs are always going to be just like a rock song from a rock. Same thing Metallica does now when they make a song, it's like I just made a rock and roll song like a high school band.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, at least they're not going to go Bon Jovi's way where they go into full country.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that what they're doing now? I'll turn this up, Lou. This is the part. This is. This is what he can't do anymore.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Great Scott. Why can't he do that anymore, Jay? He'd hurt his hip.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. I don't know what happens to them. I don't know what happens though. Why can't Metallica sit down and write something as good as Fade to black now you don't have to talked about it a bunch.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why can't I sit down and write a marshmallows hop a Choppalopolis?

[Robert Kelly]

No, you can. You've gotten away from that. That's the point is like the young music making seems so much better than when they're like seasoned and have an actual story to tell. The problem is if they hit it young, their Story to tell, like, is you can't have a fade to black in the lyrics. You're like, sitting by my reflecting pool. I'm going to go over and pet my horse. Nothing really makes me sad. Everything is pretty good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've got 90 Porsches and an.

[Robert Kelly]

I lost my woman, but I got another. My kids are in good schools and they're fine. Sometimes I take a walk on my land. Which house?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Seven houses and my little tiny dog who I love.

[Robert Kelly]

Life ain't what it used to be. Vacationing in Fiji.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Skank, skank, skank. That's exactly what it is, is they're just enjoying their lives.

[Robert Kelly]

Finally, I just had to switch my maid. Making my own lemonade.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's true. When you get a certain amount of happiness, dude, it kills all creativity. That's what you're afraid of. You're afraid of being too happy out in the burbs. You want to live in a shitty apartment, cold street, walking the dog, back in the garage.

[Robert Kelly]

Where it all started. Making shirts for my routines. Yeah, Making funny shirts for my. For my stage sticks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You wanna. You missed the days going, mom, where's your tights? I have a show.

[Robert Kelly]

I have a show. Did you wear them?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, I need them on show nights now. You can just buy tights. Sticks.

[Robert Kelly]

Fucking good life. Metallica is so funny.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Good life. Any band?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. You get successful? What are you writing about?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, just write about really good things in your life. Yeah, I've been sober for 18 years.

[Rich Voss]

Evil's been pretty good to Marilyn Manson.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah, Great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now he's got his shit together and

[Robert Kelly]

now he's been great and it's just like he's got his together. So he sounds good and he looks good, but God damn. It's just. I said, it just hits me with the nostalgia of like, it's not his fault. It will never be how it was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, not with him.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, it's almost the shame. Chester Bennington and what's his name, the other guys who whacked off to death. Soundgarden. Chris Cornell. Did he both whacked off to death.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He was killed by the government. Hillary Clinton allegedly killed him.

[Robert Kelly]

Chris Cornell.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

By making him jerk off hanging from a fucking door.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Knew too much, dude. Him and Anthony Bonnet Bourdain, they knew too much. They were both killed by the same.

[Robert Kelly]

In the same Gordon.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They were both. They were both killed in the same way. They knew about Hillary and the Clintons and they just got taken out, dude, do your research, bro.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, however they got taken out, they were slapping their wieners while they were hanging from a doorknob. Don't ruin that for me. I have a product line I'm launching based off of it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, sorry.

[Robert Kelly]

Don't forget my release. My quick release belt thing that hangs you from a doorknob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right.

[Robert Kelly]

That will never let you down. Spotter.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I forgot about that. It wasn't political.

[Jacob]

The guy just liked to whack off.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, man, it's not political. It's all political.

[Robert Kelly]

But they can. You almost are. How old were they when he died?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was the Jews.

[Robert Kelly]

Look how old Chester Bennington and Chris Cornell were when they died. I don't think they're in either of the clubs. And those are kind of the clubs you have to die in that remain cool forever. Do you know what I mean? Chris Cornell definitely, like, got to a point where, like, no one was really giving a shit about new music. Do you know what I mean? If you die while people are still actively hyped on your new music, legend forever, you know, I mean, like, Nirvana fucking died right after he. What do you make in utero, right? That was the last thing. And they just fucking died. So they had two mainstream albums, Stone Temple Pilots.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did he. He died maybe too late, right?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he died way too late. Yeah. Chester banking, 41. That's not a cool age to die. You were already starting to not be the guy that was jumping around on stage already, you know?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, you already couldn't wear the clothes.

[Robert Kelly]

He probably could wear the clothes. It's just that. Here's what. He can't wear. The same hairlines. It doesn't exist. His neck veins and all that screaming has fucking aged his face. And, like, just no matter what, he's just. And he can't jump around like. He's not a kid jumping around the stage anymore.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can't jump.

[Robert Kelly]

So if you. I mean, the real good. The good one's, the 27.

[Rich Voss]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

If you could pop. If you could pop. Young enough in your early 20s that you get that good seven years.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If I could have died just after just the tip, oh, I'd be a legend.

[Robert Kelly]

It'd be. This guy invented DVDs of CDs. Yeah. Fucking Scott Weiland. Was my age the end.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. 48. He was 48.

[Robert Kelly]

He was already. His kids were older.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He was already dressing like an old Englishman.

[Robert Kelly]

You gotta die with no kid. Too young for kids. Or your kids are young and then they grow up. Okay, what should we call it? Biggie Smalls Daughter. I heard just, like, opened, didn't you open a steakhouse in New York, it's like Caribbean. Caribbean infused steakhouse.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Big Papas chain restaurants. It's done.

[Robert Kelly]

I swear to you. I think they burn a picture of Biggie Smalls into the top of the buns. Into the bread, I think.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Booyah, Big Papas.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Welcome.

[Robert Kelly]

Biggie Smalls Steakhouse.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sounds gross.

[Robert Kelly]

Big. They do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They do. They burn a. They burn an image of Biggie Smalls on the hamburgers. Take that, take that. Does look good, though. Does look good.

[Robert Kelly]

Smash Burger. Smalls looks good. Wait, is that Biggie Smalls? That actually might be. Could that be the Big J Okerson's Greatest Yapper Alive tour promo? It's hard to tell on a bunch of. Oh, God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

God damn. It's too many.

[Robert Kelly]

That's like a plate of bullshit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it looks like a buffet.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Why does it look so fancy on the outside? And the food looks like something should come in.

[Rich Voss]

Styrofoam looks good to me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That looks good. Go back, go back, go back. That looks good to you, right? Not there.

[Robert Kelly]

That looks great for everybody.

[Jacob]

That looks great.

[Robert Kelly]

Of course.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Go again. Go again. Right there.

[Rich Voss]

Describe what we're.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll tell you what we're looking at. It looks like a fucking. Someone cut a shrimp in half with a sword and then threw some shit on it. Then crack the fucking loose egg over a fucking. Some greens. Yeah, there's a. Some piece of tomato, a half of burnt corn, a pile of fucking Mac and cheese, I guess two little slices of sweet potato maybe on top of a pile of shit of rice and shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then.

[Rich Voss]

Yeah, it's a busy place.

[Robert Kelly]

It's my fit. It's my dish. It's called Rice and Shit. That's going to be my restaurant, Rice and Shit. In fact, make sure we get this out there in the. Bella. When I die, open up a restaurant called Rice and. And, and,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

and you get.

[Robert Kelly]

You get the. You just got isolated, Jamie. Oh, dude.

[Jacob]

That's the best friend in the world.

[Robert Kelly]

Everybody ready to laugh now?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. You get a extra side of fucking fries. Fuck it. Fuck it.

[Robert Kelly]

Shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yo. You want fucking fries with your.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, great news, dude. Famous DJ Avicii, Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell and Bourdain were not working on a child sex trafficking documentary and did in fact take their own lives while masturbating. It doesn't say that part.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, Christine can look up anything she wants because she knows she's a left wing Hollywood person. Why don't you look up my question and then find all that info that they were about to release a documentary.

[Robert Kelly]

But this is a fact check.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, that's her fact check, which I don't agree.

[Robert Kelly]

It's Reuters.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Reuters is not.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, you could have played that out, because I don't know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know either. I'm just.

[Robert Kelly]

I think I've heard it before, but I just almost guessed because I think that's what that spells, because I've heard of it before. I don't know if I've ever seen it. I would have guessed there was a Y in there somewhere.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, look at. I was just on Dan St. Germain and Chris O'. Donnell. I'm full of conspiracies today.

[Robert Kelly]

Sean Donnelly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sean Donnelly.

[Robert Kelly]

Chris o'. Donnelly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Chris o'. Donnell. Chris o'. Donnell. Actually hung himself too. Jerking off.

[Robert Kelly]

Good jump. Good jump, Sean. Call him Chris o'. Donnelly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sean Donnelly. So funny you do that show. It's like doing a show with fucking captains. The same beard.

[Robert Kelly]

Sea captains. Yeah. You're waiting for Jaws to attack while you guys are hanging out. DJ Avicii. Yeah. Linkin park and Chris Cornell.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, boy.

[Robert Kelly]

Not doing that. No, not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I. I had the best time with Ari Shafir this weekend. Me. Ari came down to the Cellar Friday night. Came in looking ridiculous. I mean, just trim it up a little bit.

[Robert Kelly]

It looks nuts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It looks nuts.

[Robert Kelly]

Out of control.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Out of control. But he came in and we were hanging out, blah, blah, blah. And then we're like, oh, we're gonna go smoke cigars. Shoot the. Down at the Soho Cigar Lounge. And last minute, he's like, oh, it's kind. It's cold. It was kind of far. And we were like, I don't know what you want to do. Can we find a. I was like, listen, this is what we do. My car is parked in front of Washington Square. Park my truck. We go in my truck, roll down the windows, we light up bats, and we hang out in my truck, have the heat on, have the windows down, make it a little cigar lounge. And we went into my truck.

[Robert Kelly]

It's gonna look like one of you is a gay prostitute.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not me. I definitely look like. I'm not gonna.

[Robert Kelly]

Ari does look. A guy who might have to blow you for some cash.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. It's not 100%. Not me. Ari looks like a guy who does it. He doesn't even need the cash.

[Robert Kelly]

He just blows guys for cash.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's almost art for him. We sat in the truck and he went on my. You know the maps we have in our cars, the vertical. Sure, it's the big long vertical screen. He went from the top of the continent where he started in Atlas, Alaska and went through his whole fucking trip just going to the place, zooming in, telling me about the city, all the way down to the bottom of South America and every single city he went to, every place he went to. Around two and a half hours, three hours.

[Robert Kelly]

How do you get it on your screen?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because it's that big long screen on the Google Maps. So he just went in, we did Google Maps and he just went in and zoomed in and it's a touchscreen. And he went through his whole eight month trip in my car and told me every story about every city in the fucking guinea pigs on his whole trip. Guinea pigs? The last time, no. Did he have him this time again?

[Robert Kelly]

That was just this time?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I didn't. Tell me about the fuck. I got to do it again.

[Christine]

I mean, he's going around. It's amazing that he's believing what he believes about this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

About what? The guinea pigs?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Well, no, I think he knows it was a scam, but it's pretty crazy still.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What, the guinea pigs?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's wrong with the guinea pigs?

[Rich Voss]

What's the story?

[Robert Kelly]

What's the story that they. That he had a curse on him that they had to remove from guinea pig.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He didn't tell. What the fuck? He just told me the good parts. He didn't tell me the guinea pig's curse. What is that?

[Robert Kelly]

They told somebody else that was on the trip that someone you're hanging out with has a curse and they didn't take it that seriously. He didn't take it that seriously. And then in a different place, they told him they couldn't read his like fortune or whatever because like something there, it's overwhelming them that he's got a pretty bad curse.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He didn't mention any of this shit to me.

[Robert Kelly]

And then they, I mean, it's his story to tell. I don't want to ruin the story, but it's pretty crazy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, apparently he's not going to tell it to me. I was three hours in my truck and you didn't say a fucking word about a curse.

[Christine]

He's going to come on again. We should tell him to call because it's ridiculous.

[Robert Kelly]

You gotta hear me.

[Christine]

He needs to be set straight.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He thinks he got cursed in South America. Somebody else got cursed?

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, it's, it's, it would be him that would be cursed, but he's not cursed anymore.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What is the gate? So he had to eat a guinea Pig to get the curse undone.

[Robert Kelly]

Nope.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He had to kill a guinea pig to get the curse. He had.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He had. Have sex with a guinea. Why is he. Where's the guinea pig? Come in.

[Robert Kelly]

They said to him that he had to. They. In order to remove the curse, they need a guinea pig. And so they had to go. They had to get a guinea pig, have him come back the next day for the ceremony.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are you. Fuck. He had to go get a guinea pig and bring it.

[Robert Kelly]

Lion.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Live guinea pig.

[Robert Kelly]

A living guinea pig.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then they had to kill it.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not my story, dude.

[Rich Voss]

I feel like we might have mentioned it.

[Robert Kelly]

Huh?

[Rich Voss]

I feel like we mentioned it.

[Robert Kelly]

I feel like you told me initially this story to some degree.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I did not. I don't know anything about it. I was in three hours in my. I thought it was the greatest hang. One of the greatest hangs in my life.

[Robert Kelly]

Went through his whole three hours.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You were there three hours in the car.

[Robert Kelly]

It's like a Rogan.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Eight. It was like a Rogan. It was like eight out. I mean, just eight months of place to place to play. Then we went here, and then we came back over here, and then I went to El Salvador. They wouldn't let me in, so I had to go back.

[Robert Kelly]

And then you didn't mention the guinea pig.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Didn't mention anything about the guinea pig. It was all great stories.

[Robert Kelly]

This is a great story. Guinea pig. Pretty crazy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know about the guinea pig. Did he get the curse off with the guinea pig?

[Robert Kelly]

If you believe in curses and the removal of curses.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I do.

[Robert Kelly]

The curse should be lifted. Christine, you're here. Voted most likely to believe in curses. Cackle. Where do you chime in on all this?

[Christine]

Well, without telling the story, I think that my whole idea of what happened with Ari is that the native people to the land saw white people, tourists coming a mile away and tricked him. And they poison animals. So that's what I think is going on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But wait a minute. Animals? There's animals? Like, plural?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm sure this isn't the first go around. I'm sure Ari's not the first Jewish boob to wander through their jungle. Or maybe he is.

[Christine]

Told it on site. You told, like, your mom's house or something? He tells it with such humility. I'm like, are you seriously, like, telling the story like it's real?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, he told it already? Yeah, he did tell him.

[Christine]

He told it somewhere, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, well, then. Doesn't matter.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tell me.

[Robert Kelly]

They said they had the.

[Christine]

I was trying to find It.

[Robert Kelly]

They held.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tell me, like, the guy who tells stories on SiriusXM.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I gave up that career, by the way.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, all right.

[Rich Voss]

So like witch doctors.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they got the guinea pig and they. Apparently they waved it over his whole body put over his one foot, they said, and it was fine. And then they go, it's not that one. Then they put it over his other foot and it died.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The foot died? No, the guinea pig died over the guy's foot.

[Robert Kelly]

Over Ari's foot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, dude. I mean. And you ever seen Ari's foot? A lot of animals will fucking take their last breath over that fucking. That fucking bird foot.

[Robert Kelly]

And then apparently they cut it open and like, curse came out, like, weird. He said it was some kind of weird, like, green something. Listen, listen. Say it. If he told you she heard from

[Big Jay Oakerson]

him, why didn't he tell me this story?

[Christine]

Everything's wigging out right now.

[Robert Kelly]

Because he didn't want to bore you with that super exciting wild thing that's very unique and strange. And he just figured he'd show you his map route.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He didn't tell me anything. We went here. We went here.

[Robert Kelly]

He just kept pointing while Lindsey Buckingham's Holiday Road was playing in the background the whole time. Holiday Road.

[Christine]

Like they were poisoning the animals.

[Robert Kelly]

Nothing already says.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They just snapped it.

[Robert Kelly]

Nothing already says makes sense to this. But every time I look at him, I feel like he's telling such hard stories.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, there was no epic stories. It was just.

[Robert Kelly]

I went here and here.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Went here.

[Robert Kelly]

Did this thing about the food. No, he didn't say about the food.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What was the food?

[Robert Kelly]

The was the three hours. Then if he's just giving you roots, then we walked here and we walked there. No, we walked everywhere. We walked near.

[Unknown Advertiser/Announcer]

He walked far.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He went a lot of places. Well, he told me about, like, being up in a Alaska. At the most northern point in Alaska, you talking about the town. And there's only.

[Robert Kelly]

What's the most northern point?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I forget. It's all these Waka Wiggle Kakawaka names. And he came during Waka. Wakakuga. Yucky.

[Robert Kelly]

What's the northernmost point?

[Christine]

Point.

[Rich Voss]

Borrow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, borrow.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not very Wakamaka. Hockey.

[Christine]

Well, that's its non. Waka hockey name.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's Nuvuk. Yeah, there you go. And they. They were. It was whale season, so they were actually got to hunt whales that were coming in.

[Robert Kelly]

Hunt?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, they. They hunt them or kill them. That. You know, the natives get to kill whales up there because that's their culture.

[Robert Kelly]

They're Just allowed to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, they eat whale, dude. They. They. They just kill a whale and eat its fat. It's blubber. That's how they survive up in that hole.

[Robert Kelly]

Because DJ Lou's wearing glasses, he started nodding in agreement with you, like, you know it's true.

[Jacob]

I know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it's true.

[Jacob]

It's common knowledge.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I follow a guy on common knowledge that it's common knowledge.

[Robert Kelly]

The Eskimos hunt bears, whales, whales.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, he saw. He saw. Told me about a polar bear came into town, which was cr. He saw a live polar bear. Wild polar bear came into the town. Well, yeah, it was coming in off the ice glacier.

[Robert Kelly]

He said, I'm here to see a better girl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, he actually just wanted a Coke.

[Robert Kelly]

Eskimo Whaling Commission, the Marine Mammal Protection act, regulates the hunts, allowing them to take whales for food, clothing and crafts. Oh, they're talking about real savages who need it for, like, they need to line their fucking igloos with it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, they don't have.

[Robert Kelly]

This isn't like a neighborhood place you're going to. This is, like, people really living. Like, they talk like Klingons and shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Talk to. Yeah, exactly. It's tuck. Tuck to it. But they. Yeah, that's part of their culture, so they can't lose their culture. They get to kill a couple of whales.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but one whale's got to take care of all. There's like 11 people.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Have you seen the size of those people up there?

[Robert Kelly]

They're big. Fucking awful. Crazy Eskimos.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. There's the whales. They kill the huge whales.

[Robert Kelly]

Inuits, yeah, they.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They slice them right up on the beach.

[Robert Kelly]

Nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you. Everybody gets a hunk of whale. Fatou. That's it right there. You see the whale fat? You cut that up and you.

[Rich Voss]

Ari saw this and ate it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't think. Look at that.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, tuk tuk, too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I don't know. He didn't tell me that he ate it. I mean, he didn't tell me any of the food, really. He just told me about the place.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you know, there was a place.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he told me. He told me about his dancing and Sao Paulo. He told me about.

[Robert Kelly]

But not the death of a guinea pig.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He didn't tell me any exciting stuff. There was no.

[Robert Kelly]

Wasn't there also, didn't he, like, save somebody on the roadside? There was a bad accident and then he had to drive them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, he didn't tell me that.

[Christine]

I don't know that full story.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know the full story. I think he had to save somebody. We have another hero in our midst, believe it or not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you mean, he saved somebody?

[Robert Kelly]

I think he had to stop driving. There was a terrible car accident. He picked up people and drove them to the hospital.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He didn't tell me any of this.

[Robert Kelly]

He was a hero.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He didn't tell me any fucking.

[Christine]

He probably didn't want to, like, outshine your heroics.

[Robert Kelly]

You probably don't want to outshine your heroes. Number one, two, he probably knows you wouldn't be able to say the name of the place because you said Wakahaka Hooey.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

For a place called Barrow, it's Naka Cooley. I was very.

[Robert Kelly]

It was New Vuk.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

New Vuk. First of all, I want to say that I. I am proud that I've started something that I think is taking over the comedy community, because not only do we have you as a hero, Kim Condit is a hero. Yamaneka Saunders is apparently, over the weekend, is another comedian hero.

[Robert Kelly]

What's her heroics? What did she do? Let's not forget Christine, by the way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine's a hero.

[Christine]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't remember. She. She went and unplugged the space heater.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's true. I forgot about that. Christine.

[Christine]

I saved our house.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You saved the house.

[Robert Kelly]

Preemptive hero. Still a hero, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's. It's a. Not a full hero because her life wasn't in danger.

[Robert Kelly]

What was the movie with future crimes?

[Rich Voss]

Minority.

[Robert Kelly]

Minority Report. She is Minority Report hero.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I would say minority. She's not a full hero. I mean, she's not going to be in the Justice League. Like, you know, she's going to get

[Robert Kelly]

invited to the mixer, though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She'll get invited to the mixer. She'll be there if we need extra hands.

[Robert Kelly]

Sure, sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, we need. Well, hey, man, this job is too big. We could invite, you know. Hey, Christine, can you come?

[Robert Kelly]

Another act of heroics could get her fully.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Anything needs to be unplugged or something. You see some, you know, some. Some danger around, you could do it, but, you know, she's not gonna fight in the battle.

[Robert Kelly]

Why are you wearing pizza merch?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude? This is that pizza place.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, this is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is the best pizza in the world.

[Robert Kelly]

So they say they'll give it to you for free.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They gave it to me for free.

[Robert Kelly]

So you wear the shirt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't. I don't accept the pizza for free. I told him that. He wants to, but I won't do it because I like it so much. I don't want to show up and be like, hey, I'm here. And he oh, this is here again. So I was like, dude, I'm paying

[Robert Kelly]

you go once a year.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nah, I want to be able to go when I want and I don't want to have him be like, oh, back.

[Robert Kelly]

Isn't it way out of your way to possibly go there?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but I, I roll through there once in a while. That part. Once in a while I'll roll through that part and I want to be able to. I'd actually drive there with dawn, like go get that pizza with, with Dee and Max one night if I, if I was maybe go see Voss or some shit. He lives like 10 minutes away.

[Malcolm in the Middle Promo Announcer]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Unknown Advertiser/Announcer]

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[Robert Kelly]

boss doesn't eat pizza, though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he does. He went last time.

[Robert Kelly]

Did he?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he went. Of course he did. He found I was going. He said, I. I thought he lives

[Robert Kelly]

life all whey protein and.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, he's a. He's a vegetarian when Bonnie's around.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, really? Yeah, he's behind her back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Behind her back. He'll throw some shit.

[Robert Kelly]

She doesn't pot. She's a pothead behind his back. And he's a food addict behind her back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's a lot of things behind his back.

[Robert Kelly]

What else? No way. You think she dykes around, spread that rumor? Bonnie McFarlane dikes it out with every female comic you've heard of.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If she doesn't, she should.

[Robert Kelly]

Even fucking Jing Jing Summers and Bowl Cut Lee, they got a little taste.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You got to dress it. You might as well do it.

[Christine]

She posted this today.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is one year into my marriage to Rich Foss.

[Robert Kelly]

Fresh face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you see what she did at the dojo a couple of weeks ago? She was there and he was just going on and on on stage. And then he went, bring Bonnie up. I wanted to do this bit. And she went on stage and she just went, guys, thank you so much. Rich Foss, everybody. Give it up for Rich Voss. Amazing comic. Thank you for coming out. Thank you for. And everybody was like, woo. And they just ended the show on him.

[Robert Kelly]

How long was he on for?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He was off for 45 minutes. She was like, I want to go home. She just ended the show. She is one of the funniest. That fudgeing jacket is nuts, though.

[Robert Kelly]

That.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That bottom elastic is too much.

[Christine]

That same jacket pretty much stinks.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Christine loves. Christine also enjoyed a giant cuff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hate a cuff. A big cuff.

[Robert Kelly]

I like a cuff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not a big.

[Robert Kelly]

Not a big cuff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not a big.

[Robert Kelly]

That's too much cuff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's too much cuff. And the cuff goes around the waist. You want a waist cuff.

[Robert Kelly]

That's the more upsetting cuff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, the waist cuff, that would just make me feel like.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, well, it was like cinching. She has a better body than us.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She does.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, look. All the girls chime in and Giannis Papas, one of the girls, goes too far out of the city.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I saw him today.

[Robert Kelly]

Huh?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Saw him today. Where they. They film at the Stan's podcast studio or whatever. Him and Chrissy.

[Robert Kelly]

Chrissy D. What are we doing there?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was doing. I told you the. The. The. The podcast with dancing.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, they do it in the same place. I didn't know that. Is it on the Stans network?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Stan's network?

[Robert Kelly]

What is that a wix? Is it the Wits?

[Christine]

Wits.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wits. Is it wits?

[Robert Kelly]

Is that functioning?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, no, it's actually. I. What's his name? Took me around. Don't give me the luck, dude. What's his name? Chris Italia. Bobby. I want to take you. Let me show you the studio.

[Robert Kelly]

It's nothing. Well, they're making money for sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They're making a lot of money.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know about that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, the company that they're.

[Robert Kelly]

Where they're making money is because they're actually. It's a place to do ADR in New York. So they have been able to say they've done What?

[Christine]

What's your fucking deal? Full comedy special uploaded.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is that wits?

[Robert Kelly]

That's pretty fucking crazy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What is that?

[Robert Kelly]

What is this? This was like, not. This is like during COVID or so. Oh, this is the. This is Ari. The one Ari we did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Rich Voss is in it.

[Robert Kelly]

This is the one we did ourselves. How'd they get this up?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Joe Derosa. I don't know.

[Christine]

I have this. I literally have these files on a hard drive at our house. That's crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

They just put it up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They're pirating your dude.

[Christine]

Yeah, I don't know if Ari. Maybe Ari figured they didn't.

[Robert Kelly]

They didn't produce this dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Send a cease and desist.

[Christine]

No, Ari produced it and we did it during. COVID it. Stressed. This is so weird.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They took your. They took your whole special. The Wits dude put send a cease and desist right now. Complain about it. You look good, though. A little. Instead of wearing a mask, you wear a bandana like Def Leppard on your neck.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, go. Cool.

[Christine]

That's so funny. I was like, wait, Shane did. What's your deal? I'm like, oh, it's a little later.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's Derosa doing the job I did.

[Robert Kelly]

I got audience. Mike.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Three and a half hours of. Well, you were taking every. Every 10 minutes. Having a pot break and a cigarette. Shooting the making connections. I was just working the tables with the waitresses.

[Robert Kelly]

It was not fair. Terrible. It was not fair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's actually set my comedy career back five years.

[Robert Kelly]

Wasn't handled in a fair way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was not.

[Christine]

What? Nashville.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nashville.

[Christine]

We don't do the show anymore.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. You know who doesn't do the show either. Me, nobody. Christ.

[Christine]

It's over. After that,

[Robert Kelly]

we did this gang fest. Two more. That's it. No more. No mas.

[Christine]

Too much. This was done at a time when crowd work wasn't all anyone was putting out on the Internet.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's like ridiculous. Now do a crowd work show. Like, enough. I'll do crowd work. Everybody else do your thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So. So is this. Is this your. You own this, Ari?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't even know Ari. Me. I mean, like, it's.

[Christine]

I remember who shot it. I'm like, did. Did they shoot it?

[Unknown Advertiser/Announcer]

They must have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They just shot it. I literally thought, this is on a hard drive in my house. Did they film it and not tell that you knew that it was being filmed?

[Christine]

Yes, but it wasn't them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was somebody.

[Christine]

It was Ari.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ari.

[Christine]

It was actually Ari. Yeah, I thought he.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And they got a hold of it.

[Christine]

Is this like from the.

[Robert Kelly]

They have half. They have almost half a million subscribers now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They do? From your content?

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's more. It's 655, 000 subscribers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How many. How many views on this?

[Robert Kelly]

They have like five videos up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hope it's all your specials.

[Robert Kelly]

Go back, go to their page. Oh, no, I guess I got a bunch of stuff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's your deal?

[Robert Kelly]

No, wait a second. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's something. Something's up here.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Robert Kelly]

655,000 subscribers. 3,000 views. 24,000 views. 2,000 views. Keep going down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did they just.

[Robert Kelly]

Pete Davidson presents. 141,000 views. 44,043. 29. That's crazy. These are popular videos. There's some. And what are funny business going on there?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hi, Jinks.

[Robert Kelly]

That's major hijinks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You think they bought those? Those people?

[Robert Kelly]

How else could you possibly make that happen?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Christine]

How do you buy a one minute clip of Patrice?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't think you buy it. I think you just upload it.

[Robert Kelly]

Steal it from Showtime?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you just take it and put it on your thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my Christ almighty.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How many views does your. What? Your fucking deal have?

[Christine]

44,000. It went up two weeks ago. No promotion. Because nobody told us it was going up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, you can't promote it because then you'll be caught red handed stealing people's content.

[Robert Kelly]

That's wild.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is nuts.

[Robert Kelly]

That's wild.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

[Christine]

Well, first I'm gonna tell Ari.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You sure? He's.

[Robert Kelly]

Christine's gonna tattle first.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're gonna tattle?

[Christine]

I tattle. Why don't you Just next thing, I call people outside of me to deal with this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you're going to. You're going to have lawyers or something.

[Christine]

I just don't. I just don't even understand how this is a thing that happened. It's weird finding it out in, like, real time while looking for something else.

[Robert Kelly]

But like I said, I wanted to because the whole thing is we wanted to bring. I want to put the episodes. Not that that was the thing we did during COVID but the actual, like, two seasons.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You own it.

[Robert Kelly]

I own the name. What's your fucking deal? And I'm an executive producer on. I'm one of them. I own it with those guys, I guess, technically. But I just want to put it up for free on YouTube and they're holding it hostage.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Too late. Too late.

[Robert Kelly]

No, this is. That's not. That's just the one thing we did during COVID and.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But who did. Who did this? Is this Ari? Who did this?

[Robert Kelly]

It was, like, Ari behind it for sure. He was, like, producing it, ultimately.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did he produce it with them?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think so.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Was it at the stand?

[Christine]

Is that the stress factory? I'm honestly, like, I'm not remembering, like, Becky was working for Ari at the time, and I thought she was doing some production on it.

[Robert Kelly]

It's stress factory for sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you want to promote, Jacob?

[Rich Voss]

Our YouTube.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yes, that's true.

[Robert Kelly]

We should promote. Let's get our YouTube channel.

[Rich Voss]

We're competing with the Wits now.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's get our YouTube channel. Let's get a plaque over on our YouTube channel. Everybody on this one, because I'm telling you, you're not going to see anything funnier. I'd have to assume on the Internet anytime soon other than Bobby, Dan and Ari. I mean, going to work on everyone's messaging too, and they're saying, like, that's def. Remember I told you I had a shirt that was animal from the Muppets on it? And everyone's saying, like, that's definitely the inside out shirt. Muppet. They could see the outline. They're following it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They can see it.

[Robert Kelly]

It's definitely the fucking Muppet shirt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I. I want to see it again.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God, it's so upsetting.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's so not. Oh, look at that.

[Robert Kelly]

It's been out for a day now. I'll tell you, if we were on the Wits, we'd now be their second highest viewed video of all time. And that's with zero promotion. So let's get that fucking way up. And please, everybody go to our YouTube and subscribe to it. Because the more evidence we could also show serious that there's a value in fucking the video. Maybe they will hopefully get behind it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, maybe we'll get a meeting about turning the cameras on.

[Robert Kelly]

It's very possible. Have a turn the cameras on meeting.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

At least we could have another turn the cameras on meeting. We've already had one.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, man. How awkward was that in the sales meeting. That's so funny. Poor Jim had to put the kibosh so quick. That made me laugh so hard. They were like, and we see you guys have a video element. While you guys are doing video. We can get ad sales in there. And that really beefs up things that he was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Move on.

[Robert Kelly]

Big Jim had to be like, that series doesn't necessarily support the video.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. We were like, we have to hire a Filipino boy to do it ourselves.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, man.

[Jacob]

So the video is entitled Black people rule, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Rich Voss]

They do the bonfire SXM page before it shows up on the wits.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Which will be shortly before this is sliced apart and fucking chopped up in the wits in one minute increments.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I did see it in one of the studios being edited up.

[Robert Kelly]

Being chopped up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't know what it was. Now I'm.

[Robert Kelly]

It's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now it's.

[Robert Kelly]

They had people doing ADR for it over me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, God. Dude, I didn't. I didn't know you were wearing that shirt. I didn't understand. I want to see that shirt. Can I see it? Just go to his shirt. I want to see his little animal shirt. His little Sesame street inside out shirt.

[Christine]

Wait, I'm sorry. Where? Jay?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could almost go to the video of just my comedy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, here, apparently.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I mean, like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Comedy's probably.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Apparently. I didn't know that.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That you were wearing an inside out shirt.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I told you that. I was like, the shirts I had were like, few and far between. I said my shirts were right graphic tees from Big and Tall. So I said it would be like, you know, Guns N Roses and then Animal from the Muppets. And everyone was like, that was Animal from the Muppets. I go, oh, yeah, that makes sense. I like that shirt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You sure? Wasn't a backup bit.

[Robert Kelly]

Tell you how bad. Told you how bad cameras are, though, back then. That's a brown shirt then for sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Go. When he first came up. Christine, before he does his big opener.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, this shirt. Yeah. Right?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That might be Kermit the frog or. No, it's animal. There's hair for sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why was it inside out? Oh my God. It's so. That's one of the things where you see it. You don't see it.

[Robert Kelly]

A magic eye.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. It's wild.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, it's funny at the point. I don't know if it's inside out. I think it might just be like, you know, washed and getting faded.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You wore as your favorite shirt.

[Robert Kelly]

It was one of them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a good brown shirt. That night in jail.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hang on, hang on. Oh, look at the way he perfectly. Fat guy.

[Robert Kelly]

He was getting museus. Okay, all right, all right.

[Jacob]

Gotta hear the one guy go, oh

[Robert Kelly]

A, you knew who was getting up the ass that night in jail.

[Jacob]

Oh. Ah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was real A, that was real concern.

[Jacob]

He didn't care for that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was who? Nobody. Oh.

[Jacob]

Oh. This night.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was not white girl support. That was black guy. Oh. All.

[Jacob]

Sounds like she's riding a roller coaster.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She is the roller coaster of funny. Oh my God. Woo hoo. Oh shit. You have such clean audio because nobody else was saying anything. And she recorded it.

[Robert Kelly]

Nobody else was saying a word. She's right next to the microphone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How? Oh man, you really killed her.

[Robert Kelly]

And has Yamanika a hero? We never got to that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She apparently I sent the video in the chat. Christine, fellow hero. She was at a park and I guess somebody was some crazy guy.

[Robert Kelly]

I saw the video. I couldn't tell what's going on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I guess she. Some crazy guy was squirting some type of flammable fluid all over the bathroom or you know, all inside. It says it right here.

[Robert Kelly]

I see. If you see something, say something. But I didn't see anything.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, she actually confronted the guy and then called the cops and they came or security came and dealt with it. So she was again. But I would say that's a hero. That's a.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, I would say for sure hero. I just saying like from what I saw, I can't see what she's doing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Re. I think you can read it. Go ahead, play it. This is the go to hero song. But there she is. There's the fire department. She called the fire department and she's telling them that some crazy guy was in there.

[Robert Kelly]

But he's gone now. Yeah, I think because that fireman would be doing a terrible job. He's let Yamanika walk in first with a psycho. He's right in here. Follow me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think they told her to beat it. She's walking out now. Yeah, it's in the description. What she did.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, run it down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There you go.

[Robert Kelly]

Nikki Sunshine writes, thank you, Yamanika, for doing your best to protect the kids and the parents of the Langston Hughes playground in Harlem. Someone doused the bathrooms with gasoline. And you didn't hesitate to alert the authorities and resolve the issue? If you see something, say something. It's our responsibility to keep each other safe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's right.

[Robert Kelly]

That is. That's heroic. That is if she's the only person who did anything. What if.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What if the person went in there and threw. Just threw a match and lit all a bunch of kids on fire and she doesn't have kids. She doesn't care.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you have to be someone. I tell you what. If you're taking a fucking shit and can't get out of a flaming public bathroom, you probably are embracing it. You're like, oh, this makes sense is how it's supposed to go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Besides, I have a curse.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm taking a. In a park bed in a park bathroom.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've shit in park bathrooms.

[Robert Kelly]

You have?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Why you always have to. After you come. Every time a fucking. Every time some gigolo blows you, you have the fucking somebody that knocks the crap loose.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, I threw that up in the air and I'm looking at your face waiting for you to take a swing, and you waited right till it was over the plate and just hit it out of the park. Yeah, I've shit in a public resting like a. One of those. No, I. I remember when Times Square got the first like bathroom and it was almost like a. Like a little like a spaceship. Like you went in and there was a toilet in the door. Like it was like a round thing.

[Robert Kelly]

It was outside.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was outside. I don't know if it's still there, but it was back when Bloomberg was making Times Square nice. There was a bathroom in Times Square and it kind of opened up and you went in and it shut and

[Robert Kelly]

you could just a one person toilet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

One person toilet. You could take a piss or do

[Robert Kelly]

you took a in it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I took a in it.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was like the first week, I think you know what I mean?

[Robert Kelly]

It wasn't what you want to break it in?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know, just to say you.

[Robert Kelly]

You saved up a duke to go up there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, I almost my pants coming here today.

[Robert Kelly]

Why?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I barely made it up to the 36th floor. I went and pooped in the bathroom today.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not what Facebook told me. The person that was going to shit themselves today, they said it would be me or maybe Jacob. I'VE now fallen. I don't know. And my algorithm has gotten into me. To the. The initial I'm gonna write is. Have you seen any of these? The initial I'm gonna write this initial will. I mean everything from like fall in love with you, hate you, to their pants to not be able to sleep tonight. And they just do an initial. It's just random initial. But the initial I saw about themselves today was J. Me or Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm confused. Are you. Am I not getting this? Are you getting this?

[Robert Kelly]

So let me see a pen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is anybody getting this?

[Rich Voss]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

If you're not getting it, I'll explain it better. Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's all right. Look, I'm stupid, so I gotta.

[Robert Kelly]

Sometimes I have an algorithm thing, okay. That keeps popping up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

My social.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Stuff. And it goes. It'll say on the screen, this person is gonna fall. This.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The.

[Robert Kelly]

The person with this initial. A person with this initial is going to fall in love with you. A person with this initial is going to their pants.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right.

[Robert Kelly]

A person with this initial is going to do whatever. And then it does like a drawing. It's always like a heart. And then it'll be like, you know, it'll be like a B for Bobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby's. Just be Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Love Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

Could be Bobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Could be Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

It could also. Nope. Just be Bobby. In this room I had one that says, this person's gonna shark themselves tomorrow. I think it even said tomorrow yesterday. J tomorrow. But it was the letter J.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So it says, this person gonna shit themselves with the letter J. And that person, because it's J or Jacob, is might shit themselves tomorrow.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, it would have been today.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

As an influencer, I've never heard of this. Oh, God, I'm a throw up. Don't do it. Last plop.

[Robert Kelly]

The initial things. Have you ever gotten one of those? You've never seen one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't do the plop.

[Jacob]

I want it, though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've never seen it either.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, it's stupid. It doesn't mean anything, but it's like. It feels like, you know, a fortune telling ship. It's like this person will.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a science.

[Robert Kelly]

Slip and fall.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's the science. It is wild. How many heroes are in this community?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean real heroes. I know, it's wild. It's like I opened up a Pandora's box with this. Like, we're obligated now.

[Robert Kelly]

I feel like mine gets glazed over a bit much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I hear yours again? Because I forgot it.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm sorry.

[Robert Kelly]

I made a weird face at a mentally challenged boy, right? Maybe, man. And then I looked to have a good laugh about his behavior, not knowing he was mentally handicapped. And I did a thing where I looked over at what I found out was to be his people with a face of like, this fucking homeless piece of shit, right? And then he sat down with them and they were like, good boy, adult, whatever his name is. And then I felt terrible. And then I paid for everyone at his table's meal.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it gets me every time.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I guess it's these kind of things.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Gets me every time. Right at the end. It's just that. You know what I mean? I'm just. Right at the end, I'm like, yeah,

[Robert Kelly]

it's kind of the ones I see. It's like they're actually drawing it as it's like written on the screen, but it's these initials.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, these stupid things. Recaption.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, this one's got like a whole.

[Christine]

I thought she was gonna draw.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no. This the thing I see. It's just a piece of paper. It's just like a. It's like. It almost seems like an ad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hope both you. Your pants tomorrow.

[Rich Voss]

Can I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, then we're gonna have to get like some type of. Some type of stupid muskrat to hang. Put in your shirt to get the hex off you.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think I. I can't remember.

[Rich Voss]

I don't think I ever.

[Robert Kelly]

My pants. You could use. You could use a Kakui treatment.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, a nice hot Kakui. You've never. Your pants ever. You did at one point. As a child. As an adult. You've never.

[Robert Kelly]

Not even. Dude, totally trained out of the gates.

[Rich Voss]

I don't think I did ever. I don't think. I don't think I have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lou, have you ever.

[Robert Kelly]

Your pants twice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I love the once in high school, after a Mexican night of that and milk and cereal the next day. Nice. And then I was sick and I thought I was just farting, but I wasn't just. Oh, that's a nice one.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, everyone's caught one of those.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice one. What about you, Lou? How many you Your pants?

[Jacob]

I mean, I drank for 34 years, so.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

34,000 times.

[Jacob]

10 times.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

10 times. I'd say. I'd say more, but yeah, I mean,

[Jacob]

that I can recall.

[Robert Kelly]

Sure. Yeah, I've got a limited amount, but they're there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I got them too. I got.

[Robert Kelly]

I think I have like three. Maybe I have my adult life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Four. Two epic ones before. Not full. Like, not. I'm saying full like a. Well, it's like full like a. Like a little. A little. Little Snickers coming out.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe once or twice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I think too. Christine, how many times you. Your pants never shut up full. Well, how many times? For a woman, A little bit is a full. We don't expect you.

[Robert Kelly]

A little is a lot for a

[Big Jay Oakerson]

woman when it comes to. Yeah. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

When it comes to the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'd say yeah, a little is a lot. A little bit never happened. Stop it. You don't have to admit it. I know what you're doing right now. You're being a lady. You've never ever had a little squeaky come out.

[Christine]

Not once.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you think Dawn's blasted in her pants before? I don't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't even see her, which is wild. She sneak shits, which I love, but no, I don't think she. Her pants.

[Robert Kelly]

Why are you having such a hard time with Christine?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, Christine was a. She was, you know, drinking and partying. Don's never. Don's never drank and went nuts partying.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that what she tells you?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, not that I know of. She's never been into like. I mean, she might have when I. Before I met her. Just been in Everett, just hanging out at the pack and. Hey, Kathy, I just. My pants.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe celebrate good times. Come on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh. Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

We take a break.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We have to take a break. Oh, we got all these ads, man. Where's the ads?

[Jacob]

I lost them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So unprofessional.

[Robert Kelly]

Pop and Pride. Find him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We'll try to find him before we get back. Right, Jacob, that's not professional. It's unbelievable. Didn't we have just a big fucking crazy ad meeting?

[Rich Voss]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I think we did bad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We killed dude that day.

[Robert Kelly]

I fucked up. I said the first guy's name wrong.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You shouldn't have fucking assumed. It was a hard name.

[Robert Kelly]

It was a hard name name.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What was it again? Bruce. But it was two U's.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it was like one U S and U Rusa. I said Gruss.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you said grass. You read it phonetically.

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby wasn't there. Bobby forgot about the meetings. He wasn't there yet. We forgot to hit the time wrong.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I had to. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And he wasn't there yet. And I just. I panic and I start just going in like, kind of like. I'm like, oh, I'll talk to him like I've known him forever. And I mean, like. I mean, Bobby popped on before I was getting ready to say to one of the girls, like, oh, my bitches and he popped on. I was like, bobby wouldn't want me to do that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, what really sucked is that I came out. He goes, I said his name wrong and I just said it right.

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby just go. He goes, dude, it's this. He goes, it's gross. And I was like, yeah, it is. Where were you?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know how hard my heart was pounding when I said it, though?

[Robert Kelly]

I panic. I just started reading everybody's name on the screen. I go, hi. So you, first and last name. Hi. First and last name.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, Gruss.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, hey, hey. Something Gruss. I go, that's. I think I went like this. I go, I think it sounds like a name where people always call you just that, right? People go like grass. And he goes, yeah, or a groose. And I went, I gotta go. And then Bobby popped on. I was like, I can't go. Bobby's here now.

[Jacob]

He's a camper.

[Rich Voss]

Groose.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he was a good. He was a good sport.

[Christine]

He's also more on like. Like, our side.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, he hates me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He loves you.

[Robert Kelly]

Cruise. Classic groose.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Classic gross.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah, Commercial. Bobby Kelly is going to be a comics roadhouse in Connecticut. That's right. At Mohegan Sun, April 17th and 18th. Come for the comedy. Stay for the after show. Mail review. They still do that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's burlesque.

[Robert Kelly]

Burlesque. It's girls and guys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's just guys dressed as guy burlesque. It's guy burlesque.

[Robert Kelly]

Better.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Way better.

[Robert Kelly]

If you're gonna do it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm actually in it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I think if you fuck a trans or drag queen in recycled air, it doesn't count. After that, he's gonna be at Uncle Vinny's in New Jersey. Cleveland, Ohio. Stamford, Connecticut, New Orleans. All on deck. For tickets and all of his tour dates, you visit Punchup Live Robert Kelly and check out his YouTube channel, YouTube.com Robert Kelly Comedy. And of course, every Tuesday night, catch him live. If you're in the New York area. 7pm at the Fat Black Pussy Get Lounge, the Comedy Cellar. It's clockwork. And check out our YouTube page. Fucking subscribe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, subscribe.

[Robert Kelly]

I ate a lot of shit for this. I want to get a plaque.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you will get a plaque. Maybe we'll work up to Witsk. What is it? Wits.

[Robert Kelly]

The wits. Is good. Is close. Is going to be close to their million subscriber plaque. Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Million big jokers is going to be at the helium in St. Louis this weekend. After that, April 3rd and 4th, and then the funny bone in Orlando. April 10th and 11th. Let me hear you. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. After that, he's gonna be in Nashville for Story wars in Kansas City for tickets. And all the tour dates go to Big J comedy.com YouTube YouTube.com Don't forget my company. Punch up.live Big Jokerson. I have a 30 stake in that.

[Robert Kelly]

Of course you do. We'll be right back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's the bonfire.