Hot Dogs with Rob Dukes

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly
Episode: Hot Dogs with Rob Dukes
Date: May 6, 2026
Guest: Rob Dukes (Exodus)

---

Overview:

This episode of The Bonfire brings outrageous laughs and classic, unfiltered banter as Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly welcome Rob Dukes, frontman for the metal band Exodus. The guys riff on everything from hot dog hunts gone wrong, the struggles of being recognized vs. unrecognized as comedians, weight loss journeys, and, in true Bonfire fashion, spiral into wild discussions on grooming habits, penis anatomy, and sexual fetishes with no shame or filter. The combination of Jay and Bobby’s self-deprecating honesty and Rob Dukes’ laid-back attitude makes this episode a must for fans of raucous, candid, and hilarious group hangs.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Exodus, Metal Shows & Merch Sizing (01:00–05:00)

• Jay and Bobby poke fun at the type of crowd expected at an Exodus show—more "sweaty Rob Dukes and Bob Kelly's" than scantily-clad groupies.
• The lack of large-size band merch inspires a bit where Bobby jokes about pirating band shirts "because they don't have my size," and theorizes about concert ticket pricing based on attendees’ weight.
• Quote:
  "A 5X is a fucking bed sheet."
  —Big Jay Oakerson (02:43)

2. Weight Loss Journeys & Former Fatness (04:40–06:05)

• The group congratulates Jacob on his 170 lb weight loss, riffing that he "lost more than a Jacob" in weight.
• They reminisce about all being "fat and gross," except for Christine, who’s quick to get a pass.
• Quote:
  "That a real man can lose all of him and still be a man."
  —Big Jay Oakerson (05:18)

3. Bobby’s Rough Day: Recognition & High Heels (09:05–12:47)

• Bobby laments not being recognized as much as Jay, who "naturally peacocks" and is always noticed on the street.
• The group roasts Bobby’s new "height-giving" shoes, which function like high heels and are killing his feet.
• Quote:
  "His feet now, as the day has moved forward, are killing him because inside they are high heels... Bobby is wearing high heels. His feet are killing him."
  —Robert Kelly (11:46)

4. The Hot Dog Fiasco (18:09–22:00)

• Bobby hypes up a hot dog cart based on an influencer’s review, only for the group to waste 20 minutes at the wrong (slow, subpar) Nathan’s location. Hot dogs are substandard, over-priced ($8 instead of $4), and induce later regret.
• Jay and Bobby act out bidding for the worst toppings imaginable after a frustrating wait.
• Quote:
  "We were just standing there waiting for our hot dogs, watching a video about a much better hot dog stand."
  —Robert Kelly (21:37)

5. Grotesque Confessions & Body Talk (22:14–29:10)

• The crew goes deep into body humor—dick hair (color, density, grooming), fat-induced hair loss cloaked as the "Bonfire Theory," and peculiar personal grooming revelations.
• The tone is gleefully gross, but also weirdly earnest, with genuine laughter over embarrassing admissions.
• Quote:
  "I was only 18 when I was doing it." (on rolling nose boogers)
  —Big Jay Oakerson (22:47)
• Banter on grooming:
  "I envy and enjoy looking at the... huge penis of another man, but also a thick patch of dick hair will also make me also go, damn, dude."
  —Robert Kelly (23:40)

6. Penis Holes, Urethral Sounding & Body Weirdness (36:20–47:16)

• The episode crescendos as the group dives (literally) into the topic of varied penis hole sizes, sharing wild urban legends (courtesy of Doug Stanhope) about people "boring out" their urethras for sexual fetish purposes (urethral sounding).
• The crew does live reactions to online videos/pictures of the practice—equal parts horror, curiosity, and comedy.
• Quote:
  "I'd rather get my dick hole [stretched] than be uncircumcised."
  —Robert Kelly (46:54)
• Info drop:
  "Some individuals, including some gay men, engage in a practice known as urethral sounding or pee hole play, which involves inserting tools or rods into the urethra for sexual pleasure."
  —Joe DeRosa (40:20)
• Live reactions:
  "We're looking at what I can only say is an average penis, and they're sticking a wire with a... bigger piece at the end of it down the penis... He's plunging the penis hole all the way down to the balls."
  —Big Jay Oakerson (44:44)

7. Sex, Kinks, & Dominant Women (53:18–56:41)

• Jay and Bobby share stories about dominant partners, dealing with "dom" girls, and comedically disastrous safe words.
• Jay confesses to being uncomfortable with pain or being dommed, but appreciating assertiveness in a partner.
• Quote:
  "I do like aggressive girls. I like a girl who's like, give me that. Put that there."
  —Big Jay Oakerson (56:21)

8. Pop Culture Spin (57:00–58:10)

• The guys riff on new horror movies featuring public domain characters like Popeye and Steamboat Willie, joking about absurd casting choices (Tom Hardy, Val Kilmer, Matthew McConaughey).
• Quote:
  "Popeye became… same public domain… there’s four Popeye horror movies."
  —Robert Kelly (57:00)

9. "Serial Killer in Austin" Runner (58:10–60:02)

• Joking that Joe DeRosa, Tony Hinchcliffe, or Jacob could be the Austin, TX serial killer, all because of their odd habits or unexplained trips.
• Quote:
  "Convince me out of it. Yeah, convince me it's not you. Starting from it's 100% you."
  —Big Jay Oakerson (59:24)

---

Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• "A 5X is a fucking bed sheet." —Big Jay Oakerson (02:43)
• "That a real man can lose all of him and still be a man." —Big Jay Oakerson (05:18)
• "His feet now, as the day has moved forward, are killing him because inside they are high heels... Bobby is wearing high heels. His feet are killing him." —Robert Kelly (11:46)
• "I'd rather get my dick hole [stretched] than be uncircumcised." —Robert Kelly (46:54)
• "Some individuals... engage in a practice known as urethral sounding or pee hole play, which involves inserting tools or rods into the urethra for sexual pleasure." —Joe DeRosa (40:20)
• "We were just standing there waiting for our hot dogs, watching a video about a much better hot dog stand." —Robert Kelly (21:37)
• "My safe word is Mutombo's actual name... Scumbilla Humber." —Robert Kelly (56:09)
• "Convince me out of it. Yeah, convince me it's not you. Starting from it's 100% you." —Big Jay Oakerson (59:24)
• "Popeye became... public domain... there’s four Popeye horror movies." —Robert Kelly (57:00)

---

Memorable Moments & Comic Highpoints

• Hot Dog Stand Debacle: The guys' anticipation for a "top-rated" hot dog leads to a slow Nathan’s experience, debated toppings, and regret—rolled out in a bit that captures their chemistry. (18:09–22:00)
• Live Reaction to “Urethral Sounding” Videos: Real-time, horror-fueled banter as they watch graphic fetish videos for comedic exploration. (44:30–47:44)
• Dick Hair Discourse: An in-depth, mock-scientific back-and-forth on growth patterns, colors, and "the Bonfire theory" about obesity and hair loss. (22:47–29:27)
• Austin Serial Killer Bit: Group playfully pins the blame on each other, especially Jacob, using their own twisted Brand of group logic. (58:10–59:40)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment Topic | Start Time | |--------------------------------------------------------|------------| | Exodus Merch & Fat Guy Jokes | 01:00 | | Weight Loss Journeys | 04:40 | | Bobby’s Bad Day: High-Heel Shoes and Recognition | 09:05 | | The Hot Dog Stand Fiasco | 18:09 | | Confessions: Boogers, Dick Hair, Grooming | 22:14 | | Urethral Sounding Discussion & Videos | 36:20 | | Kinks: Dom Girls, Safe Words, Aggressive Partners | 53:18 | | Pop Culture: Popeye & Public Domain Horror Films | 57:00 | | Austin Serial Killer Bit | 58:10 |

---

Tone & Style

• Unfiltered, raw, and self-deprecating humor, with playful bullying and improvisation.
• Honest, often gross but oddly earnest group dynamic.
• Heavy doses of inside jokes, pop culture, and call-backs to shared experiences.

---

Summary

This episode encapsulates The Bonfire’s signature approach: raucous, boundary-pushing comedy rooted in the hosts’ chemistry and autobiographical candor. Listeners get a wild ride through failed hot dog adventures, reflections on losing (and gaining) weight, the psychology of stand-up fame, and some of the filthiest, funniest body talk ever aired on satellite radio. Long-time fans will love the blend of camaraderie and absurdity, while newcomers should prepare for a no-holds-barred, hilarious descent into the minds of Jay, Bobby, and the Bonfire crew.

Transcript

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you work in university maintenance, Grainger considers you an MVP because your playbook ensures your arena is always ready for tip off. And Grainger is your trusted partner offering the products you need all in one place from H VAC and plumbing supplies to lighting and more. And all delivered with plenty of time left on the clock. So your team always gets the win. Call 1-800-GRAINGER visit grainger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to [e-mail]

[Mint Mobile Announcer]

Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month Required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available fees, extra feeful [e-mail] and now the bonfire

[Robert Kelly]

with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly. I'm auditioning.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you do.

[Robert Kelly]

It has too much Boston in it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Too much. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Suck my.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You have no idea.

[Robert Kelly]

You're listening to the dirtiest of the dozen by Exodus.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're listening to Shock Comedy. Shock Comedy radio.

[Robert Kelly]

Be a part of the madness tomorrow night, the Wellmont Theater. Exodus attack.com spelled just how you think. How Exodus Attack calm. Get tickets to Wellmont Theater. It is going to be a volatile pit. I can only say it's. I've been to the the Wellmont many times there. There are no seats in the front. It's one of them theaters. They don't have seats. It's just open floor.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's a pit.

[Robert Kelly]

Yuck.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. You son of a bitch. I thought you were trying to set me up.

[Jacob]

No, I was gonna tell you. Go down the front row. You'll be fine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

In the front row.

[Jacob]

In the front right about 10, 10ft back from the front.

[Robert Kelly]

You'll be fine. Now I'd love to tell you the fun you're gonna have is touching a bunch of hot girl butts as they coast over your body. But it's next to the show. So it's gonna be just like a bunch of us that you're gonna have to have a hard time carrying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's just us. Just a bunch of sweaty Rob Dukes and Bob Kelly's.

[Robert Kelly]

Absolutely. And I'll tell you what, more than plenty. Big J's running around there.

[Jacob]

Do we have 5x T shirts?

[Robert Kelly]

Suck on that Biohazard onyx, you fucks. I can make my own merch.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A 5X is a fucking bed sheet.

[Robert Kelly]

Hell yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a lot of material, man.

[Robert Kelly]

I know. You should have to make. You know how much better we would all do if we charged? You know, like airplanes do. Like if you're too big, you have to buy two tickets for my concert. If you're four every £200, you have to buy another ticket. It's way at the door.

[Jacob]

26 people in the show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'd only have to sell 50 tickets to show. It's fucking.

[Robert Kelly]

But it's fucking full, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I can play Uncle Vinny's every weekend.

[Robert Kelly]

Damn right, dude. It's gonna look like a fucking mush of play. D'oh. Fuck yeah, man. Dude. Skank fest. If we weren't any more of a hotter place, the whole audience would just catch on fire. Just see through vampire people being exposed to the day. What is this here?

[Jacob]

That's this whole show.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, biohazard. So I'm with you guys tomorrow. Oh, nice. Yeah. Well, let them know I pirated their merch because they don't have my size.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They don't have your size anymore?

[Robert Kelly]

No, that's why I made. I made the Onyx and the Biohazard try to buy both. Try to support both merches. And you know what? I don't know if they had them earlier in the day because their merch people were like this. No, I was like, did you have them? They're like, huh? I'm like, never mind, man. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. Let me take a look at this again real quick. I got it. I'm gonna go have my friend Johnny make that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, I think I'm getting a little sick from that hot dog.

[Robert Kelly]

Come on.

[Jacob]

Oh, come on.

[Robert Kelly]

Come on. Let me introduce our guest.

[Jacob]

Went to the place I went to.

[Robert Kelly]

I gave so much hype. And then. Bobby, Bobby, Bobby Biff. Today pretty hard. It's been a rough day for Bobby. Can we. Can I help you? Let's bring in first of all, our good friend, good friend of the show, everybody. Again, Exodus playing tomorrow night, the Wellmont Theater. It is their singer extraordinaire, the great Rob Dukes. Thanks, Lou.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Barely too. You lost? How much did you lose?

[Jacob]

I don't know. A lot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You don't? Wait, you didn't know?

[Robert Kelly]

115, 180 or something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You lost 180?

[Joe DeRosa]

80.

[Jacob]

170, I think.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You lost 170.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Holy damn.

[Jacob]

That was a fat retard.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, we saw you. We were there. We saw you. We were right. Looking right at you.

[Robert Kelly]

You lost more than a Pretty sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm one of the guys who was. Hey, dude, you gotta do something about that.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Rob, you lost more than a Jacob. Of weight.

[Jacob]

I did?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You lost. It's amazing. And I know that should make you feel bad, but I think it makes Jacob feel like less of a man. Yeah. That a man could lose you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That a real man can lose all of him and still be a man.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Look at you. You looking good, kid.

[Jacob]

Yeah, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You look. We're all. We were all fat.

[Jacob]

We were all fat and gross.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, okay. Yep. Yeah. I mean, Yeah. I mean, the fat part was good.

[Jacob]

No, we were all gross.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay. Yep.

[Robert Kelly]

Lou was never a gross guy. He was all. Am I the third person?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you're the third guy.

[Robert Kelly]

I started talking about Lou and I looked over and I was like, wait a second. I saw a reflection of myself in his glasses and I was like, I think they're talking about me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, we're all three of us fat, gross ones in the studio. At one point.

[Robert Kelly]

I would have gone to Christine again before I went to me on that one, but okay, I guess. I guess the three of us were fat and gross.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All right, well, she looks good, too.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Was she fat and gross before?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She was not fat and gross.

[Robert Kelly]

That was just me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She was not gross.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't think so.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, she was not gross.

[Robert Kelly]

I thought maybe we were just all lumping in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Definitely the. She wasn't the fat fat. She was the phone at.

[Jacob]

Well, we were always the kill on the marry kill list.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Because we got on top of them.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

To them. Killed them.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I them married them and then killed them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, by them.

[Robert Kelly]

Killed. Killed by.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Jacob. Jacob, you never have to worry about killing somebody.

[Robert Kelly]

Kill by. Great song. Write it down. You got your. Here's your harmony work off that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob's never been on top, by the way, either.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God. If you do, do you put your legs over the woman. You should be on top of like that? You should be riding her, but with your penis in her. And I know you're thinking you might not have a long enough penis for that, but you will once we get these fucking knee strap dick extenders that we talked about, all on the pre record.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It's gonna be the new biggest thing in my life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's your dick.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's the new ve. It's my New veneers. Bobby's having a rough day, Rob, I don't know how much you've communicated with him today. I haven't I.

[Jacob]

Not really.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, it started off. And you'll hear about this more on Thursday, because we had to calm Bobby down. He was a little hot on the way here. And here's the thing. Let's just admit, I peacock a little more in the daytime.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Physically, just.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, naturally.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. You peacock at 11am Peacocking at 11. Most people peacock around 9, 30, 10.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me tell you something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jay wakes up peacocking.

[Robert Kelly]

Somehow. I could go sweatpants or whatever, but I can go to a car wash dressed down as hell or the mall, and someone, if they recognize me, it's. They don't. They don't go like, who's that? Why do I know? They go, that's him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Isn't that the guy with his one sweatpant leg pulled up?

[Robert Kelly]

That's the thing. And I'm telling you, they see that and they go, oh, that's funny. People always joke that. Because J. Big J does. Oh, shit, it is Big J.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It is him.

[Robert Kelly]

That's why I say, you follow up any of the things you think of me, a wallet chain. All the dumb shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is that guy, what, Washing his car with mittens on. Oh, that's. That's Big J.

[Robert Kelly]

Only Big J would do some. That is Big J washing his car with mittens. Just sopping wet mittens. I'll tell you what, when I wore the gloves more, there were times where it's like I. I wore the gloves even in a situation where, like, they've gotten wet while you're wearing. But just like, we're already committed to the look, man. I mean, just from simply, like, picking up, like, wet, cold beers and then the gloves just, like, wet, and you're like. I mean, I'm already committed to the look, though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But you've.

[Joe DeRosa]

You've.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You slowly got out of them. I haven't seen you with them on.

[Jacob]

He's wearing pink ones the other day.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. No, I wear them still. It's just like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You wore them every day for a minute.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, wintertime. I wear them every day. Right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay. So it's a winter thing. It is to keep.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, no, I'll do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's to keep your palms warm. Fuck. The fingertips.

[Robert Kelly]

If I'm doing a big show, I'll probably wear them a couple times. Maybe out in la, the old Netflix fest. It's possible.

[Jacob]

Why was he crying this morning?

[Robert Kelly]

He wasn't crying. He was Just in an upset mood because on our walk in again, because I'm statuesque and, you know, the natural peacock that people on the street, a couple people stopped to say they were a big fan of mine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And then Bobby, he calls this giving it an opportunity for them to recognize him. But that starts with, hey, and then the person always is jarred. And then he starts fucking motherfucking them for not recognizing him. That's right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I've earned it. I've earned it. I don't put up with.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not like he's trying to go, hey, do you recognize me too? And then. And then he goes, fuck you for not recognizing me. And even if they do, when they go, okay, no, I do recognize you, but they're also like, I do recognize you, you fucking asshole. Why are you cursing at me? And then Bob's like, fuck you. And then they're in that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, first of all, why should I

[Robert Kelly]

keep it with the anger?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can have it. You gave it to me. It's for you. Fuckface in a suit. How's that?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't have a good argument against that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can. I either take it with me, and then I gotta go to bed with it, and then some guy in a fucking vest is in my head, or I just give it to fuckface, and the guy actually said, nah, dude, I know you, dude. I've seen you like 10 times. Well, fucking mention that.

[Robert Kelly]

We were in tra.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He was coming this way.

[Robert Kelly]

We're going this way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I stopped to yell at this guy's face. I was right there. I did. I stopped in my tracks.

[Robert Kelly]

And Bobby. Yeah, and the reason this is hitting Bobby so hard today that he feels outside he's been jilted. Thank God. The next guy that we passed by asked me for a picture, but Bobby dipped in the Starbucks. Mercifully, yeah. Because this guy was a big fella, and Bobby was going to give him the business. This guy had a lot to go on if you wanted to start tearing him apart. And Bobby would have given him biz.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Then mercifully, while we were getting our hot dogs, somebody stopped by and recognized both of us.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So recognize me first and then recognize Jay.

[Robert Kelly]

I. By the way, I almost wanted to stay turned around, because when he got Bobby first, I was like, I hope he doesn't know who I am.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of course they're gonna know who you are. You're dressed like you just got out of a fucking video.

[Robert Kelly]

Cool video, though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's very cool video.

[Robert Kelly]

Do I think I play keyboards in God. Smash.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That hot dog is fucking coming up.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, so Bobby is feeling a lot of this coming down him today on a day that he thought was gonna be possibly the beginning of the rest of his life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was. It was. It was set out to be a phenomenal day of a. Of a new experience that I haven't experienced in my life today. And when I was walking here, I felt fantastic.

[Robert Kelly]

And it's because Bobby is wearing. And you may have just noticed if you look down at all his hilarious, gigantic height giving shoes that put three inches on his height, but he has been not noticed in them. And he is also. His feet now, as the day has moved forward, are killing him because inside they are high heels. He's wearing high heels. His feet are killing him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I had to walk like Christie Brinkley on the way back from the hot dog place here. I had to switch hips. That's the only way it felt good.

[Robert Kelly]

And by the way, because the heel. Bobby, if you wouldn't mind taking a little stroll for us, what you'll notice is because the heel is completely up to the ankle of the shoe. He's stepping out of them every time he walks. They're too big for him. They're way too big.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I have to switch hip on the way. That's the other way.

[Robert Kelly]

Show Jacob the backs. You're coming out. Your whole foot's out of them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't tie him.

[Joe DeRosa]

Work it, girl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

They are.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Watch this. Come here, Jacob. Stand up. Watch how tall Jacob gets. Put these on Jacob. This is his dream. This is Jacob's dream. Look at this. What the. What the. Yeah, dude, they work.

[Jacob]

They don't work on you, though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, they do work on me. What are you.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob.

[Joe DeRosa]

Don't you eyeball me, Bobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All right, I won't. I'm sorry, Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

If you pushed him, he would come out of the shoes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's the one thing. You can't get into a fight in these.

[Robert Kelly]

What size shoe do you Work I try them on?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, sure.

[Robert Kelly]

What size are they?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Size? I think it's 11.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no, I can't try them on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay. Well, that hurt, too.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm a size 14, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, I get it. You're taller, bigger, fancier, more recognized. Anything else you want to add to it? Oh, I gotta slip by.

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby, Bobby, these days are almost over for you. Being unrecognized because once you start living out loud as Flaming Bob Dandy.

[Jacob]

Well, as I was walking here, a guy came out between two cars and he had.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're a lead Singer talking about he had a.

[Jacob]

He had a bunch of hats in his fan in his hand. A bunch of hats. And he said something to me, and I said, no.

[Joe DeRosa]

And he.

[Jacob]

And I kept walking. He goes, you're gonna do me like that? And Melody goes, he asked you if you like black people, and you said no and kept walking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So you were honest.

[Robert Kelly]

And I.

[Jacob]

And I. I turned around, I go, dude, I'm deaf in my left ear. What did you say? He goes, do you like black people?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I go, yeah, you sure? That wasn't.

[Jacob]

And then. And then he goes, oh, because you look like my boy, Big J. And he was a hat guy outside the building. And I. And well.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, we know that my business partner.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

His business partner and everybody knows that black people. Black people rule, right? Yeah. I mean, as Big J says, I

[Jacob]

thought he asked me. I thought he asked me, do you want to buy a hat?

[Robert Kelly]

Sure.

[Jacob]

And I said, no, I'm already wearing a hat. Like, what the Am I gonna buy half for?

[Robert Kelly]

No, you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's a big.

[Jacob]

But I didn't say that. I just said no. And I kept walking. And he stood there with his, like, mouth.

[Robert Kelly]

But can I be.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I be on his side for a second? Yeah, you do. I know you don't like black people.

[Jacob]

I know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, you look like the poster for I. I don't like blacks. And you don't say black people. You just say.

[Joe DeRosa]

Nothing wrong with that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Jacob, I get you.

[Robert Kelly]

Right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's true.

[Robert Kelly]

That guy is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Jacob]

He's a hustler dude.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. Hey, hey, hey.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't talk about his partner.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know what happened out there one day.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I do. He came to me and I said, go talk to him. And you. Because you don't have bones in your body, and you don't know how to say, beat it. Like, rob, I don't like black people. Take off. You talked to him and became friends with him, you spineless fucking jellyfish.

[Robert Kelly]

I was nice to a guy that seemed like he was trying to do it. He gave me his little rap about the thing, and I'm like, oh, cool, man. And he was like, you work here? And I'm like, yeah, yeah. And we do a thing. And then. No, that was one of the days where the guys here. There for autographs were asking me for. So he was kind of like. He had like, a who are you? Thing. So I'm like, oh, we do a show up here and everything. And then he's like, oh, let Me look you up on Instagram. Okay. So he looks me on Instagram and then starts messaging me on Instagram. And also he's also giving me free hat, free shirt already that I cannot wear because the shirts have the dimensions of like. What was the character in Staying Alive's name who is. You always saw clavicle on the shirt. It's a very swoopy, open thing. So it's not going to be my thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You don't like showing off your clavicle?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You don't have a hot clavicle?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't have hot clavicles. I would not say. I mean it is my spot. It is my erogenous zone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, can I just say something though? Maybe he saw what everybody else sees. You have the man.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, maybe that was the man. Oh, that's what's killing Bobby. We didn't say that part. I'm sorry. The guy in the vest who hates Bobby now. Well, now he does. Cause you almost fought him on the streets. He goes, I saw you ten times. And Bobby goes, and I fucking murdered it every time, didn't. He goes, absolutely, but he's the man. And that Bobby, his toes went up because his heels went further down to the ground. He seesawed backwards.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was about to throwing my high heel sneakers at his head.

[Joe DeRosa]

You sold me. I, I, I was never going to get them. And then you walked in with that height and that confidence and they didn't look bad. And now you're telling me they're crushing your feet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, here's why I haven't. I didn't tie them. I just threw them on.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob.

[Joe DeRosa]

Tie heels, Bobby. Why wouldn't you tie in the shape of a sneaker?

[Jacob]

You're in pain, stupid. Why would you not tie them?

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob, look at the screen. This is what Bobby. This is what Bobby's doing right here.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What are we watching? What is this?

[Robert Kelly]

It's American Dad. He just tells him to look like he has a big dick. He just puts a salami his pants and wears a six times big two big shoes. And that's what you look like walking outside trying to keep your balance.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Minus the big dick. Yeah, minus the important part. These shoes should come with a salami. Yeah, it my dick. It didn't work out.

[Robert Kelly]

My dick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Then we went to a hot dog guy who took 55 minutes.

[Robert Kelly]

And this is why Bobby's also upset. Also, he goes, he's been talking up for since last week. I got a hot dog. Bobby goes. He goes, we gotta go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, because I'm first of all, an influencer, and I follow other influencers, and I follow a hot dog influencer who goes to all the hot dog carts and picks the best ones and the cheapest ones. And there was one on 45th. I watched it. 45th. I didn't know it was Broadway. I thought it was sixth. It's on Broadway. $4 hot dog, a rating, one of the best in the city. So I've been pumping this up, influencer to influencer, to go to my friend Jay to say, hey, hot dog day Wednesday. So today's.

[Jacob]

Today's Wednesday.

[Robert Kelly]

Thursday, Hot dog Day Tuesday, Hot Dog Tuesdays.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Last Wednesday. I'll just fix it on the fly. You're not gonna catch me. Last Wednesday, I. So we. We were all ready to go to the hot. I've been pumping it up. We're going to Hot Dog Tuesday. We're going to the Hot Dog. We went. I didn't know it was on Broadway. We wound up going to the wrong hot dog cart. We went to one we had to go to. Cause we're running out of time. Nathan's. That had an A, but not an A. The person that was working there was

[Robert Kelly]

not an A. Oh, he was at F minus.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

We were the only people there. We got four hot dogs between us and two orders of french fries. And we were there for 20 minutes at this thing, waiting for this guy to. He just was so slow. And he asked you everything up front. And then every time he went back, he would just ask you all over again, like so you. By the way, he wouldn't do that. Do you think where he just guesses it all wrong on purpose because you're gonna say something. He goes, you want pickles, mayonnaise, and a picture of your mother on yours? No, just, like. Just sauerkraut and mustard.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How do you have a picture of my mom?

[Robert Kelly]

What do you want? Mayonnaise and, like, my boogers and me to touch it with my fingers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You want mayonnaise and you want me to come on this?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I just relish.

[Robert Kelly]

Shove it in my asshole and pull it back out. No, I just relish again. Mustard.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's it. Right there. You actually got it right. Okay, I'd love you to say, but the relish again.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know what I thought the hot dog game was all about. Like, two hot dogs, please. And they go, whap. What do you want on it, squirt? Squirt.

[Jacob]

Here, I got one. He had it in my hand before I even had my fucking card on my wallet.

[Robert Kelly]

That's. That's how it's supposed to be.

[Jacob]

That's what happened right there, dude. On the fucking car.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Then the guy bullied us into paying cash.

[Robert Kelly]

Then he stopped making our hot dogs to start cleaning up after himself.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Started cleaning the grill. Christine was like, excuse me, we have to go back to work. Like we work in a fucking company. Like a. Like we work in offices. There's a live show starting. I'm like, we gotta go.

[Robert Kelly]

He has to go back to work. And he goes, oh. And then he goes, I goes, what do you want? Tire and mayonnaise and used underwear? No, I'm gonna go with relish and mustard.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, what do you want to drink? Fresh squeezed orange juice. I have to go get the oranges. Do you want that?

[Robert Kelly]

He goes, and you said you want it again? I think it was ginger ale and piss. No Pellegrino.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you have p. It was then he put the drinks in a bag, which took 38 seconds.

[Robert Kelly]

By the end, he was fucking with us.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he was.

[Robert Kelly]

By the end. The way he started tetrising hot dog boxes in a bag, he's like, put them in and let us leave.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Why are you holding us prisoner?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I feel bad. And then we found out that it was on Broadway. The one I wanted to go was, they flip them in bang, and they're only four bucks. These were eight dollars.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, you should wonder why we were had time to watch it, because we were just standing there waiting for our hot dogs, watching a video about a much better hot dog stand. I thought we were going to.

[Jacob]

I thought we were all gonna have a cigar and hang out before the.

[Robert Kelly]

We all did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We all did.

[Robert Kelly]

We all did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We all did. But this guy, us, I had a nice cigar.

[Jacob]

It was nice. A nice hot dog like that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, well, I have. I have sore feet and indigestion now from that garbage hot dog and the piss drink he gave me. I think he did come in my hot dog.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, he probably came in your hot dog.

[Jacob]

You had boogers and come for sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's my nickname in high school. Boogers and come Kelly. How did you know that?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah, BNC Kelly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was a booger guy, though, back in the day. You know that. You know, I like the boogers. And I was like, you know, you remember that, right?

[Robert Kelly]

Flaming Bob Dandy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I used to love picking my nose and rolling a booger on my upper lip into a perfect sphere and then placing it in back in my nose so it'll be big Enough. Where it stayed.

[Joe DeRosa]

We know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

Why do you tell this to the audience?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You gotta open up to these people, let them know who you are, really are. Flaws and all.

[Robert Kelly]

No, here's the thing. Even if four other people in this room have done the same thing, you're just not the best one you take with you, buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was. I was only 18 when I was doing it.

[Robert Kelly]

That's way too late, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm kidding.

[Robert Kelly]

Too much hair in your dick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't start growing. I didn't hit puberty until 21. Most people don't know that you had

[Robert Kelly]

no dick hair till you were 21.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

21. It just sprouted.

[Robert Kelly]

Bald dick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, of course not. Yeah, bald dick, 21, boom. 22, full picture.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you look a fucking cadaver till you were 21? Your dick hair does fall out as you get older, doesn't it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it does. It goes see through and then it falls out.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, Bob, you might not be able to appreciate this, but mine's always been a little bit see through. But that's because, you know, if you brought it all together, it's a lot of hair. But when you have flesh and fatted it out this way, the hairs separate.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You see? And then it's. It's a bit of see through. I've also. Not only do I envy and enjoy looking at the. Admiring the huge penis of another man, but also a thick patch of dick hair will also make me also go, damn, dude. A big old thick patch.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like a Joe Rogan beard down there. Yes. Yeah. Like a Greek five o' clock shadow.

[Robert Kelly]

Absolute loot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

I think my ball hair looks like this right now. I think it's the same.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Let's see it.

[Robert Kelly]

Texture.

[Jacob]

Well, it used to be I was always a. I like red hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God.

[Jacob]

I was a redhead, but I was a blonde as a kid. And then I had red dick hair and red chest hair like a ginger idiot.

[Robert Kelly]

Just so you know, your wife's frowning and nodding.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Red dick hair. She's like, I'm so glad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm so glad. He's getting old. And it went to another color.

[Jacob]

Now it's going gray.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I don't have to Halloween dick anymore.

[Robert Kelly]

My ball. Ha. My ball hair is, is, is like my face hair grows like that kind of same hair. My ball hair is gone, though. I shaved that off. But my dick hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it's just, it's.

[Robert Kelly]

I wish it wasn't so sparse.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a little sparse, but I think too being heavy For a long time. Like we were. I think hates us and falls out. I think it kills the root. Yeah. I think it's just hate. This is a theory right now I haven't put it to any scientist, scientific tests. I'm going to this year with Mr. Tyson, Dr. Tyson. But I believe that as you with the fwap hanging over that it kills the hair.

[Robert Kelly]

Because I'm with you. No oxygen.

[Jacob]

No oxygen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nope. There we go. No oxygen.

[Robert Kelly]

No oxygen's pocket.

[Jacob]

No sunlight.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's throw that in. No sunlight. And also because it's protruding.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, the rub.

[Robert Kelly]

The rub, the rubs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No oxygen, no sunlight. The rubber.

[Robert Kelly]

What's the steering off.

[Jacob]

And then. And then, you know, the self hatred pulling it out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hang on. He's good at these. One at a time. He's good at these. No.

[Robert Kelly]

Last thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No oxygen. No sunlight.

[Robert Kelly]

The rub. The rub. The tease things up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Switch it around. There's no rub, no oxygen, no sunlight.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm out of it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Come on.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's just pull it together for the fatsos out there.

[Robert Kelly]

It's called the Bonfire theory. What the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What is that?

[Jacob]

Is that a race jacket?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Pull out like all very casually. A fucking full race jacket.

[Joe DeRosa]

You know what?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We have this attention span of cats. You can't just pull yellow shit out in front of us.

[Robert Kelly]

What the fuck is this?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What are you doing? Dude, it's just a coat that fell off my chair. Yeah, but it fell off your chair. And then you held it up like a flag and we all went squirrel.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you wearing that today?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If it gets cold in here, I will put on this racing jacket.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's not just a racing jacket. You all know what it is. So I don't understand.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's the jackets Joey Logano gave us. Thank you.

[Jacob]

Right?

[Robert Kelly]

Or his team gates. It's just really loud.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob stuck up for us like that.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Joe DeRosa]

I have nice. I feel like I have nice dick hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Joe DeRosa]

Mine is nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You really just wanted to get in there.

[Joe DeRosa]

I was waiting for my. My window.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you got? What do you got down there? Let. Let Jay put his hands down your pants.

[Joe DeRosa]

The jacket broke in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let Jay put his hands down your pants. Just to the top of your. Your shaft.

[Robert Kelly]

Full right. It's like Brillo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let him feel it.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, dream about it. You can only guess.

[Jacob]

You can only just pull it out a little bit.

[Joe DeRosa]

Take my word for it.

[Jacob]

Oxygen. No rub.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's no rub. There's oxygen and sunlight because you lie on your roof trying to catch pigeons as friends on the weekend. Naked Right. So it just. He gets vitamin D. Trying to turn

[Robert Kelly]

the pigeons against the rats.

[Joe DeRosa]

Genetics, I guess. But tots have good dick hair.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it. Do you trim it?

[Joe DeRosa]

I trim.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you do.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's gonna be like a sasquatch.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you. What do you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Unlike Jay, I think Jay and I have the exact same groomin routine. No ball hair. And then a nice, nice trim.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What. What. What. What shape is it in? Pyramid. You.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, you don't. A box. I don't make a shape. I don't shape it. I just cut the length back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But you trim the top. Trim the top down. Right.

[Joe DeRosa]

Trim the top down, and then you trim the sides.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right.

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't, like, put. I don't put arrow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, you don't make the arrow.

[Joe DeRosa]

Don't do the arrow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me ask you a question. How. How are girls going to know where to go if you. You don't make an arrow?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I'll tell you how they're gonna know. Because his dick is gonna be stretched out and connected to his knee.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.

[Robert Kelly]

I think you forgot about that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I forgot about that.

[Robert Kelly]

The new most important thing in my entire life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I actually went with a girl once. She had a big, hairy box, but shaped in the shape of a box, so it was really an official box,

[Robert Kelly]

like 3D, you know, she had, like, the cube thing where it's like two squares connected by lines.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was like a. She made it into a square instead

[Robert Kelly]

of, like, a V. Got you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But she let it grow full so it looked like kid and play almost.

[Robert Kelly]

Ew.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was kind of nice.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't mean that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't. Yeah, but I didn't. I. I. It's one of those things where you, like. It's like the girl with the armpit hair. I was like, oh. But then I was like, I kind of like it.

[Robert Kelly]

If you're 69, though, it does lay nice on your chin.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And you can put stuff in it, like pens.

[Robert Kelly]

That's true.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You could put keys.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Or maybe one of those, like, sandwich swords. I'm just thinking out loud. I'm just brainstorming.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I. If I could get my. My full patch back, I would just

[Jacob]

let it grow, like, grow full, like a 70s.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I would just let it go.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I'd let it go.

[Robert Kelly]

I. Jacob, when he said he shaves a little bit of the top, too, that's impre. That's when you don't have to. I have to let the. It looks like the hair comes out from underneath my belly is how it has to go. I can't. If I shave the top of that, that it's too much flesh between belly button and dick.

[Jacob]

How old are you now?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

72.

[Jacob]

How old do you know?

[Robert Kelly]

48.

[Jacob]

Do you have the. The like random hairs that grow out of your dick like an inch or two down?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, an inch. Oh, underneath at the base. Like not on the base.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know how glad I am he didn't say out of the P hole. I was gonna not be his friend.

[Jacob]

The last two. The last two inches is like. I have to trim those back.

[Robert Kelly]

It's growing up. Yeah, it's going toward the head very slightly. That's not what I've. What I have is underneath the head. When I'm shaving, I'll notice like, you know, a dog has a couple just like little three hairs here. I get those like a half inch, three quarters of an inch down from my dickhead. Underneath my dickhead.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like a Chinese grandmother. Yes, yes. You know what I have? I actually.

[Robert Kelly]

They're gone. They're never there because I get rid of them, but if I don't get rid of them, they'll be there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Have you guys ever had a tooth grow out of the pee hole?

[Robert Kelly]

No. Oh, no, I never have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, me neither then.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not opening up to you ever again. Talk about burgers. You fucking shame me.

[Robert Kelly]

No, we've never had that, you freak.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know what I got though? A nice urethra.

[Robert Kelly]

Franklin, what's the word you just said? Urethra.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Urethra.

[Robert Kelly]

There you go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There you go. Oh, you. You know what I meant.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. R E S P too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Found out what it means to me. I have a nice pee hole. I have a nice sized peel. I don't like a penis. All right, someone interrupt this before he gets this. I don't like a penis with a big hole. Back me up, Christine.

[Robert Kelly]

Ever noticed that keeping the same workouts and eating habits doesn't always deliver the same results over time? Especially around energy and body composition. As you get older, many men experience changes in testosterone which influence how the body stores fat and maintains muscle. Mars Men is a natural supplement designed to support healthy testosterone levels and overall wellness. Using ingredients like tongkat, Ali, shilijit, zinc and boron. It's formulated without synthetic hormones and is made in the USA with third party testing. Some users report steadier energy, improved focus and better workout performance when combined with consistent habits. Plus, it comes with a 90 day money back guarantee. For a limited time, our listeners can get 50% off for life plus free shipping and three free gifts@ Mengotomars.com that's Mengotomars.com for 50% off and three free gifts when you check out and it's also available on Amazon. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them that our show sent you you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you're trying to be more intentional about what you wear day to day, Quince can help with that. They've got pieces that feel easy, comfortable and still put together. The fabric feels elevated and the fits are clean. Think 100% European linen shorts and shirts from $34 lightweight, breathable and comfortable. Everything is priced 50 to 80% less than what you would find at similar brands. Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middleman so you're getting premium material without the markup. You know, when we first got quints on I was like I don't know if I'm going to look good in this stuff. I got my Quint's gear, my jacket, my shirts, the pants. They're amazing. They fit great, but most of all they feel great. I love everything I've gotten from quints and you will too. Refresh your everyday with luxury. You'll actually use head to quince.combonfire for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.combonfire for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.combonfire One out of five Americans have learned a new language on their bucket list. If that's you, make 2026 the year you finally check it off with Babbel, the language app that makes grammar fun and is actually worth your time. They understand that people learn differently, so you can dive into a podcast when you don't quite feel like a quick lesson. You can speak out loud to get that practice in and even create your customized review list all within the app. I've been trying to learn Spanish for over a year now and I've tried other things and this babble just seems to work for me. It's so easy to use. I turn the app on, it has reminders. It just keeps me focused. Every day I try a little bit. Sometimes I actually go a little further and I try new functions on the app and sometimes I just learn basic words. It works. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now you get up to 60% off your Babel subscription description at babel.com/bonfire get up to 60 off at babel.com/bonfall spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com/donfire rules and restrictions may apply.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying Big Wireless Way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just 15amonth, of course, if you enjoy overpaying. No judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment anyway. Give it a try. @mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for

[Mint Mobile Announcer]

three month plan equivalent to 15 per month required Intro rate first three months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full [e-mail] looking for the best place to shop this Mother's Day? Go with the brand that makes it easy to send something thoughtful to everyone on your list. 1-800-flowers.com right now at 1-800-flowers. Order one dozen roses and get another dozen free. More flowers mean more smiles, all backed by the quality, attention to detail and trusted delivery experience that make 1-800-flowers my top choice to send something beautiful mom will love. Make mom's day at 1-800-flowers.com sxm that's 1-800-flowers. Com sxm.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Do you have $10,000 or more in credit card debt? Maybe you're even barely getting by making minimum payments. With credit card debt hitting record highs, National Debt Relief offers real debt relief solutions for people struggling to keep up. These options may reduce a large portion of credit card debt for those who qualify. You don't need to declare bankruptcy, and you may be able to pay back less than you owe regardless of your credit. National Debt Relief has already reduced the credit card debt for more than 550,000 consumers. So don't wait if you owe 10, 20, or even hundreds of thousands of dollars in credit card debt debt. You can now take advantage of this financial debt relief as the cost of living increases. To find out how much you could save, Visit National Debt Relief.com that's National Debt Relief.com

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wait, guys have different size PE holes?

[Robert Kelly]

That was. That's what I would have said. Oh yeah, that's the thing I would have said.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, there's, there's guys, I've never noticed the pee holes. I, I was watching the porn the other day. I was. Because I'm into this, you know, friend's wife gives massage thing. She's a real massage therapist.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay weirdo sitting next to your Friend and his wife.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She gives good massages. Jay, I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, whatever, dude. Whatever we do, man. He's the lead singer of Exodus. He doesn't care. He's the one who told me to do it. But we have a drawing if you want to see it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay. He drew us last time we did it. Beautiful. No? Yeah, There was this. So the guy pull, you know, he had the towel on and she's rubbing. Then it flops off and she kind of looks at it like, oh, God, P hole. Huge, big P hole.

[Jacob]

Stanhope told me something about that. That there's a certain part of the gay community that. That boards that hole out so they can fuck the holes in it. No, they can. The holes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What? Yeah. Wait a minute.

[Jacob]

Stanhope told me the story.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, there must be gospel. A guy who lives in a commune compound.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, man, you. No, the gay guys pour their out so they can it.

[Robert Kelly]

A guy who lives. A guy who lives just two people on a compound for a cult.

[Jacob]

Oh, now that I said it out loud.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Doug, stand up said there is aliens. So that's not going to talk about anymore.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, there was five people on the grassy knoll.

[Robert Kelly]

Told me Doug, stand up said that. He said he has pictures somewhere.

[Jacob]

Said it out loud and didn't think of that first.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, they have.

[Robert Kelly]

He said he has pictures somewhere in his house. So fine, find them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like your P hole would be a different size than. My P hole is a different size, I would imagine. Rob has a big P hole.

[Joe DeRosa]

Powerful.

[Jacob]

I don't know. I think it's a. Average people.

[Robert Kelly]

I think my dick holes just regular old.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I got a nice one and it shuts. Hey, some guys pee holes are open.

[Jacob]

Have you ever gone to take a piss and then have it just go sideways because it wasn't open all the way?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of course, when you have sex the night before you masturbate the next day it's sealed shut. So you got to pee that seal open.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Or you put it on a warm compress after sex, like I always do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Treat yourself nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is that what the towel, the face gloves for?

[Robert Kelly]

Little guy worked hard. Son of a. Did what he had to do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When you have sex, do you clean up like fully? Do you shower? Do you make sure everything's off you. All the sex is off. You just go right to bed, right to bed.

[Robert Kelly]

I can go pretty right to bed, right to bed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like to get it off. I like to get it.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, it depends what's happened.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Anal with a guy.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah. I'm gonna rinse that off.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, okay. I'm sorry, Right? I didn't give you guys right there for you.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm in a hot shower. I'm in a hot shower thing. It's one of those things. The shower's going. I'm just hugging my knees and making a face. And then you start seeing that, it starts becoming like pink. Water starts coming out from underneath me, going in the drain.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pink brown.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. I'm just like this. I need to rinse this one off of me and the pinks from the pee hole. Because that's what you. My giant board out pee hole.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Doug Stanhope said so.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And that's what it says in the ste. The steam on the window. It says, Stan Hope was right.

[Jacob]

Lou, can you find out if that's a thing? If Stan Hope is insane, or is that really a thing?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, you don't have to ask that question.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know if you know if that's a thing. Flaming Bob Dandy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Flamingo.

[Robert Kelly]

It's Bobby's new drag character.

[Jacob]

Nice.

[Robert Kelly]

He's pretty much hitting the circuit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, boys, guess who's at Skank Fest this year. Working in the little room, but it's always a big room when I'm here. It's Flaming Bob Dandy. Girl, girl, girl, girl, boy, boy, boy, boy. We're here. We're queer. Flame and dandy. Yeah, Flaming Bob Dandy.

[Robert Kelly]

You are going to make a bazillion dollars with Flaming Bob Dandy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Great song, by the way.

[Robert Kelly]

Absolutely.

[Joe DeRosa]

I researched this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Some individuals, including some gay men, engage in a practice known as urethral sounding or pee hole play, which involves inserting tools or rods into the urethra for sexual pleasure.

[Robert Kelly]

The urethra.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What is it called? What was it?

[Joe DeRosa]

Urethral sounding. That's the name of the term.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's urethral, not urethral.

[Joe DeRosa]

Urethra is.

[Robert Kelly]

No, urethra is the thing.

[Joe DeRosa]

Urethra is the thing. But.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But it's urethral

[Robert Kelly]

urethra.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

10 Hulk was right. Now I'll tell you this, though. You ever masturbate with shampoo and some of it gets in your pee hole and it fucking burns when you take a piss?

[Robert Kelly]

I think I did. I think my trying to jerk off with household fluids were over long with real young kids.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. When I was younger, I jerked off with Brett. Remember Brett?

[Robert Kelly]

I was a prowl guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Well, I went to Pantene. Didn't work. That was a conditioner and shampoo in one.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I'll tell you what, you don't want to get in your dick, Selson blue. Yikes. You might as well just fucking smoke a Newport with your dick hole. I mean, that's gonna fucking hurt. Oh, my God. I made sure I never had dandruff again in my life because of the pain that would cause my skin when it ran off. It's like fire. Yeah, but God damn, I've never had talking about Afrin, which I know is evil, but, like, talk about something that it does the job it's supposed to do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you jerk off with Afrin?

[Robert Kelly]

No, but Selson blue. When I was a kid, at one point, comically, almost like the Breakfast Club girl. Girl. I was able to sit one time. I was, like, doing homework, and I was able, like, from all the dippity Doo. And I put my hair. I had, like, a crust layer on my hair, and it was a problem, and my mom was like, oh, I'll get yourself some blue for. And put it on. And it. I combed. I wet my hair. Combed it, put that on. It felt like hot lava on my head. And I've never had dandruff again a day in my life ever again.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I had to use Sousa blue for a minute, too, I think. I think young boys. I don't know if we watch you

[Robert Kelly]

do a bunch of product, too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's it. We get that dandruff. I was in school one day just scratching my head, and I looked down on my. My desk, and it looked like a snowstorm.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, it got to the point where I was like. I was like, well, I gotta solve this. I know, but that day that I was discovering this, I was like, I'm gonna sit here for the next 45 minutes, though, and pull all. Cause it was, like, very satisfying in, like a glue off your fingers way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I made a snowman.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but, I mean, it was so gross. But that Celson blue motherfuck.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I jerked off with that.

[Joe DeRosa]

It.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I jerked off with shampoo. And if it goes in your pee hole just a little bit, then when you gotta go pee later, it's like somebody stabbing your dick with a knife. So I couldn't imagine boring out your penis and putting another penis in there. Must hurt.

[Robert Kelly]

So. Yeah. Was that all to get to the fact that it would probably hurt to have your penis hole bored out and then feel wonderful?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's kind of like, you know, all that to get to that Jay, you

[Jacob]

know how, like, people stretch their ears Out. It's the same thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like dramatic pauses.

[Joe DeRosa]

Involves using sterile lubricated metal or glass tools.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So you can't use a rusty wrench or something like that?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah, no rusty nails.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Go sterile. Okay, this time we'll go sterile.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So we can't get a bottle off the street and just break it and use that. Is that what you're saying?

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, pour out my dickhole with this fucking rusty nail, please.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You see that dead pigeon claw? Can you hand that to me for a second? I want to bore up my pee hole for Jay.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm trying to. Can we see if we can find a picture or a video of this happening? Because I will set. The idea of this is like. And I'm not. I'm never gonna compliment my own dick. And it's almost a point I'm making. My dick particularly. I don't think a guy. There's a dick out there. That's. Dickhole could get big enough.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's some dick holes.

[Robert Kelly]

Like, you'd have to get the dick hole. Like. You ever try to put your dick in a paper towel roll or a toilet paper roll yesterday? Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It ain't going in. You think it's gonna go in? It seems like it's gonna go in because of toilet paper on you hold. But it's not. It doesn't go in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Mine did. Ah, God damn it.

[Robert Kelly]

Christine, go to video.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Please make this day worse.

[Robert Kelly]

Christine, we have video.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why don't you just take my sneakers off,

[Robert Kelly]

Bob? You need me to hold you from behind so you don't fall forward. Those things. His shoes are launching him with every step.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is awful. Okay. Yeah. All right. What do we. All right, stop, stop, stop, stop. I pulled it away. You guys wanted to see it first of all. Stop, stop. Pause, pause, pause, pause. We're looking at what I can only say is an average penis, and they're sticking a. A, A wire with a bigger. I would say like some type of bigger God damn it. Piece at the end of it down the penis. And you can see the actual. Oh, God. You can see the wire coming up and down the p. It's like he. He's. He's. He's literally plunging the penis hole all the way down to the balls.

[Joe DeRosa]

With the thing in the Matrix when Neo has the. The tracker in his belly, but this one's in his peel. Picture that into somebody.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. This is like when Schwarzenegger tried to pull the tracker out of his nose in Total Recall.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, she's doing it. Okay, stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop. Now this girl. Hang on, hang on. Stop pausing it. Just pause it, pause it. Oh, my God. We have to describe this for Jim.

[Robert Kelly]

Sorry. Jim, listen, please, quickly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, please, Jay, describe it for Jim.

[Robert Kelly]

There's a girl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

X that out.

[Robert Kelly]

I think it's a girl. It's a girl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

All right. It's a girl. And she's plunging like a. I don't know, it's like a blizzard Spoon, straw.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Actually, it looks like Harry Potter's wand.

[Robert Kelly]

It could be Harry. It could be Harry Potter's magical wand. Yeah, or something. I'm thinking maybe something from the Harry Potter gift store or something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's either Slytherin or it's Hufflepuff.

[Robert Kelly]

It's Hufflepuff. We're still here for sure. I don't know. I'm a Muggle, but this

[Jacob]

making me gag.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, but she's cramming this. She's cramming this magical instrument.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Stay in the J.

[Robert Kelly]

She's showing major disrespect for the. For the craft. And she's using it to simply put. Oh, he's got.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's uncircumcised. He's uncircumcised.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that's the grossest part now. Oh, my God. I'd rather get my dick hole than be uncircumcised. Ew,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

it's disgusting.

[Robert Kelly]

Put that on a T shirt. I'd rather get my dick hole than be uncircumcised.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Put that right next to DJ Lou's shirts, please.

[Jacob]

Fucking Stan hope, motherfucker.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

God. Yeah, but.

[Robert Kelly]

So this guy does though, at least have the class to shave his dick hair off so you can identify him?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can.

[Robert Kelly]

By the way, I gotta tell you. I gotta tell you. What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

He's taking it great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How do you know? You can't see his face. He may be screaming in pain the other day.

[Robert Kelly]

His legs are totally still.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but he might have be strapped down.

[Robert Kelly]

No, look, you can see he wasn't strapped down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why don't you see do it with a guy's face in it. Oh, wait a minute. Go to that one. Oh, this one. Actually, they're gonna pull it out. They're gonna pull it out. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

[Joe DeRosa]

That wasn't a pee hole.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's see. She was trying to find it. He might have two pee holes. There's a rare thing. He's magical like a unicorn.

[Robert Kelly]

He doesn't have two peels. It's his extended pee hole. Starts low now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, what if they pull it out and something comes out with it. What if it's a medical procedure? What if he pulls it out and it's a watch?

[Robert Kelly]

What if it's like. Like a cricket? That is like your conscience on the venture, bitch. The cricket. Yeah, it just tells you you're good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, you shouldn't be doing this.

[Robert Kelly]

God hates this.

[Jacob]

Huh?

[Joe DeRosa]

Mischief managed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, God. Dude. Wow.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You know.

[Jacob]

You know, Stanhope told me that and I never thought to go look.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, well, you don't have a radio show. You have to fill in for an hour and 45 every day.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, we do. We're almost through the first hour and all we've done is look at this guy's get cold. Get.

[Jacob]

I can't wait to talk about this tomorrow on stage Page at the Walmart.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Have you guys ever dug up to your dicks? You guys on the left, hold the stick. You guys on the right got your dicks.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait, wait. Now not until I say urethral sounding. Urethral sounding. Your dick. Your. So what? You put that on one of those shirts that. Where John Lennon's wearing that your. You didn't remember? John Lennon wore that. Strawberry Fields.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine. Did you find if P holes are bigger than others? Yeah, it said that they're different. Did you ever find a. Find a big one. Find the biggest pee hole you can find. Find. I think the big ones are ones that have been stretched out with that type of. But no guys are guys.

[Robert Kelly]

Natural.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Natural. Just write in the word natural and you'll find the answer to your question.

[Robert Kelly]

Me, I can hold an Indian Head penny in mind. Jacob will go around the room.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think Jacob could maybe do a Kennedy half dooll.

[Jacob]

Maybe a toothpick. I mean I'm. I might just got a little teeny pee hole.

[Robert Kelly]

Really, Jacob? A Dre stem.

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't think. I don't know.

[Jacob]

Mel is. My pee hole's normal, right? It's tiny.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. You got a tiny peel.

[Robert Kelly]

Why? No, you make little. Yeah, I don't know.

[Jacob]

I said when I pee, so I don't know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Rob. Sounds like a broken sprinkler.

[Robert Kelly]

And somebody I have taken, by the way. Talk about sitting when you pee. I don't sit when I pee, but I will. I've taken to. And I think some people I've admitted this to have been like, you're not supposed to use it like that. But I have now after I go to my full morning bathroom routine, it seems like that's the setting on the thing. I shoot that bidet. I mean, I take a Good pint of it up my asshole.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And kind of like gargle it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And then fire out. Would have been a later on the day shit, I believe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, dude. I. I call it mining the.

[Robert Kelly]

Isn't that what you're supposed to do?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you're supposed to mine it.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

[Robert Kelly]

But I say that people are like, no, it's just for cleaning.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, I. I actually learned to open my asshole like a dolphin hole.

[Robert Kelly]

I found that I have to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can hear my asshole go, yeah, me too.

[Robert Kelly]

But it's like I go. I have to lean forward. I snake. Yeah, this a little bit. And then eventually I finally go, there it is. And I have to be like, little like this. I'm holding a laptop, watching, like, the

[Big Jay Oakerson]

sound goes like this. It goes like this.

[Robert Kelly]

And then you, when it's overflowing, goes,

[Big Jay Oakerson]

yeah, mine goes like this at the end.

[Robert Kelly]

You're an animal. Look at that dick hole.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's gross.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I would say if I opened my hole, it would look like the one on the right over there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That one looks like a turtle mouth.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, my dickhead. If I open the head up, it looks like the little tiny screaming mouths coming out of Freddy's body in that one. You were all my children. Now, remember the little worm and Sesame street that they would go like that with? Remember his little mouth?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Christine, bring it back up. Let me see this. Show me a. Don't show me a. Like a dead person's one. Show me a real guy's pee hole.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Who are you showing cadaver dicks over there?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, those, like, dead gray dicks you bought up. Nobody wants to see that.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, she's desperate to use this new subscription she got. I said, you're never gonna look at cadaver dicks for the rest of your life for 5.99amonth. And she goes, you'll be surprised. Here we go. Now she's trying to push it on us. So we're all. Yeah, take that up with rocket money. That's not my problem.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Come on, extreme monster. Just bring it up.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I. What?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, he's putting a pen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All right. He's putting a sharpie in this dick. Yeah, there you go. Oh, my God. I don't like those.

[Robert Kelly]

Karaoke. You never pee hole karaoke before.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We should do that. We should do that. We should get up. Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

By the way, I love when people are doing and ball torture themselves, but casually doing something. Oh, this guy's like, look, he's like, he's like looking through like a menu at a Chinese restaurant or something over to the right. He's like, no, I'm just strapped up in my ball bag and my own dick hole. He goes. And I'm thinking, my guy Goopan, do you know how hungry I'm gonna treat myself?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know how hungry you get when you, you do cog torture?

[Robert Kelly]

He's like, sorry, my dick is all purple and discombobulated. And also, ooh, the new Architectural Digest

[Big Jay Oakerson]

just came in because his dick's, he's. His dick's wearing a tuxedo right now,

[Robert Kelly]

man. I have no. I'll tell you whatever it is. And I know Lewis is mildly in like, chicks like smacking him around and shit a little bit. Like, he's not into like vicious stuff, but, like, I never understood the can't do it, the torture stuff or the. I don't even. Like, I've had a handful of girls in my life go and think that I want my nips cranked. And I'm like, I know I'm apparently the only white person you've ever had sex with, but I don't like that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hate. We were outside after the regs yesterday, cranking nips. Me and Lewis were out front smoking a cigar and just some kind of hot middle aged woman walks up and she's like, can I ask you a question? And if I, if I was, I'm have a comedy special and I'm going to name it like the Dominatrix Mama, something like that. Do you think that's a good name? And I was like, it was weird. Weird that she just come up, but I guess she knew who you were. And we're like, well, do you do comedy? She's, yeah, I'm a comedian. And I go, you have a special coming out. And she's like, yeah. I go, were you a Dominator? She goes, yeah, I was a dominator. I'll dom you. I go, I'll hit you. I just walked away. I'm not gonna let you fucking dom me.

[Robert Kelly]

I've just never gotten the idea. I'm not into being like. Like, I get for a sec. If you're like tied up for a minute and a girl blew you, like, sure, I get. But like the whole, like having sex and the whole thing, I mean, after about five minutes of all of them, I'm gonna go, like, all right, like, unstrap me. I did fuck regular.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I dated Dom girl back in Boston. She was into it.

[Robert Kelly]

That was a girl named Dom?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, that Was a guy named Dom that turned into a girl. Oh, when we domed named Richard Weird. Yeah, it was weird.

[Robert Kelly]

She made a lot of strange choices.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And he was black.

[Robert Kelly]

Became a girl named Dick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He was a black guy named Richard. Richard Weird. No, but she. She did that. She put me in handcuffs one night, and then she started slapping my face, and I had to kind of manipulate her to get me out of the handcuffs. And then as soon as I got him out, I put her in the handcuffs, and then I left her in my room for an hour.

[Robert Kelly]

I love that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I just walked away. I go now. You sit.

[Robert Kelly]

Now, that whole hour, I assume you were heating up a hanger on the stove to go in there and show her who's. Who's who now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I just used an iron.

[Robert Kelly]

Nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it was quicker.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it is quicker, but you're not going to be able to get the. It's going to be hard to do double Ks with a. With an iron. You know what I mean? Figure the zapper with the fucking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I did make a. Did you have a safe word? I made a butterfly on her back with the iron.

[Jacob]

Did you have a safe word?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it was called. Stop it, bitch. This hurts. Stop slapping me in the face. I was abused as a young boy. This doesn't feel good.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, Bobby has too many words. By the time you get to the end of that, she's already gonna have stuffed her own underwear in your mouth. There is no safe word. You have to pick a smaller word.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I do. I do like dominant. I do like an aggressive girl, though. I don't like being hit or strangled. I really don't like doing that to a girl.

[Robert Kelly]

My safe word is Mutombo's actual name. Yeah. Scumbilla Humber.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I do like aggressive girls. I like a girl who's like, give me that. Put that there.

[Robert Kelly]

Bad voice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I like. Yeah, mumbling. I like mumbling sex. Have you tried that?

[Robert Kelly]

Just come off a fishing boat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, we're gonna need a bigger boat.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, goddamn land lover. You want to come back here, eat my goddamn fishy box?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I actually getting head from Popeye. She sticks a spinach can in my pee hole.

[Robert Kelly]

That's my thing, dude. Popeye became. Remember, he just became same public domain, like kind of recently, and they just started making. There's four Popeye horror movies.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. I just saw that. I flipped out. I'm like. They made a horror movie with Popeye.

[Robert Kelly]

Like three. Yeah. No, less than three.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, there's three.

[Robert Kelly]

It may be more.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It might be more.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Popeye the Slayer, man.

[Robert Kelly]

Popeyes, Revenge and Shiver Me Timbers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's so wild. Who's playing Popeye? Just somebody.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Well, what you think these are theater movies?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not playing.

[Robert Kelly]

I heard Tom Hardy's taking a show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I swear to God, I thought it was Matthew McConaughey playing Popeye.

[Robert Kelly]

I think it was Val Kilmer's final role.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's how he got cancer.

[Robert Kelly]

He got cancer from the prosthetics?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, from talking like this.

[Robert Kelly]

Olive oil.

[Joe DeRosa]

I did the same.

[Robert Kelly]

And then they did a Steamboat Willie. They did Steamboat Willie ones. And DeRose is in the end of the trailer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, is he?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

As what?

[Robert Kelly]

A guy covered in blood going, what? That's really it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's a Friday night for DeRosa.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What happened? Why am I

[Joe DeRosa]

telling you?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How'd I get here?

[Robert Kelly]

They say Tony Hinchcliffe. And now number two in line is Joe DeRosa from Possible Person to be the Austin, Texas serial killer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hope it is Joe.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that. Is that still going on? Right? Yeah, the Austin serial killer. I hope it's Joe, but it's more than likely. Also, they say just drunk gay guys falling down a ravine because they refuse to put. I think they're like, if you gays are gonna wanna walk home, don't get so drunk, you're gonna fall in the ravine. They're not putting up a fence.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They were actually. There was a thing about a lot of gay guys were getting sick. They were getting, like, dysentery or whatever that is. And they were like, oh, my God, somebody was poisoning the gay guys. Then they realized that it's just because they're eating so much ass, they didn't put two in there together. They eat ass and there's poop in there. And they were getting sick from other people's poop. Poop.

[Robert Kelly]

These girls, these guys are being murdered by eating other people's. He goes, no, he got murdered after he happily ate someone else's.

[Joe DeRosa]

I didn't know there was supposedly a serial killer in Austin.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

How many people or.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Well, 11.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's pretty convenient the way he said that, isn't it?

[Robert Kelly]

And just so you know, it's definitely Kurt Mesker, Tony Hinchcliffe, or I think it's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think it might be Jacob. Wasn't Jacob away a couple weeks ago? We should see.

[Robert Kelly]

You do always go to Florida, but there's no evidence you're in Florida.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, we never see him in Florida.

[Robert Kelly]

You never have a tan. You never show me your dick hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, just in a room. Full of dolls. It might be Jacob.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll say. I'll go as far as to say it's more than likely Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I. I would say that.

[Robert Kelly]

Convince me out of it. Yeah, convince me it's not you. Starting from it's 100% you. Now go with no thought or prep. Convince me it's not you. Because in my mind, it's definitely you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I bet you some. I bet you somebody was murdered last week when Jacob was. Was in Florida.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, he loves walking along the river.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, dude, I want you to do a real Law and Order one too. Take a look at this picture. Have you seen this person? I go, no, I've never seen him. He goes, hey, look, it's a six year old girl. And they go. She came in yesterday. She was wearing a flower dress. Something about going to the mall with her family. I don't know beyond. That's all I got.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's every episode I've ever done a Law and Order.

[Robert Kelly]

You didn't know anything two seconds ago. All right. She said her name was this. And her biggest fears were that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's all of them.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, the guy she was with, he looked like he was keep taking a kidnapped. And he had a green car. I wrote down his license plate just in case.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Procedural television. We got to make it happen. We got to take a break.

[Robert Kelly]

What's that, Lou? You want to snap my dick in half? I told you I'm not into that kind of. Oh, where's my dick hole, Bobby? Look at this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow.

[Jacob]

Hang on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me see it. Open it up here.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me clear out the hole.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me see.

[Joe DeRosa]

Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

That's my hammer of the God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Watch this, watch this. Oh, look at that.

[Robert Kelly]

Suck our dicks. Train. Train can cover Zeppelin all day. It's not going to be good with me and Bobby's dick Dickhole covers. We could do a patreon. Dickhole covers of Led Zeppelin songs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Come on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And if you.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, Jacob, just nod your head and don't say you want to produce it and you're out. When that gets bigger than the bonfire, I will walk away from this place and watch it burn.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob has.

[Robert Kelly]

You can have it. LL Cool.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob has gay eyes to kill in Austin. Too busy.

[Robert Kelly]

He's too busy to worry about this. We got right back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, we got Rob Dukes in studio. He's gonna be the Wellmont Theater in Montclair, New Jersey, tomorrow night, April 29th. Tickets go to Exodus attack.com. we'll be right back.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Breathe in. Feel the sense of calm that comes from having up to $300 in overdraft protection with GoToBank now. Did you say $300? Yes. Now back to our breathing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So if I overspend my balance, Goto

[Sponsor Announcer]

bank has my back up to $300. Yes. Can we breathe out now? Less worries, more zen. With over $300 in overdraft protection, tap to open an account today. Eligible direct deposits and opt in required for overdraft protection fees. Terms and conditions apply.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, what's going on? I'm Robert Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

And I'm Big J. Okerson. Do you want to listen to episodes of the Bonfire ad free and a whole week early?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, the Bonfire is a member of SiriusXM's Podcast Plus.

[Robert Kelly]

If you get a Sirius XM Podcast plus subscription, it opens you up to all kinds of benefits on so many SiriusXM shows and podcasts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. So what are you waiting for?

[Robert Kelly]

Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcast plus right now or visit siriusxm.com podcastplus right now.