Hot Zeros

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly – Episode: "Hot Zeros"

Release Date: April 25, 2025

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Introduction

In the "Hot Zeros" episode of The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, listeners are treated to a lively and unfiltered conversation between veteran stand-up comedians Big Jay Oakerson, Robert Kelly, and guest Dan Soder. Hosted live from New York City on SiriusXM’s Faction Talk channel, the episode dives deep into the often humorous and challenging world of voiceover work, acting auditions, and the intricacies of navigating the entertainment industry. With their trademark blunt humor and candid storytelling, Jay and Bobby create an engaging atmosphere that’s both entertaining and insightful.

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Voiceover Work: Trials and Triumphs

The episode kicks off with Robert Kelly sharing his experiences in the voiceover industry, highlighting a memorable audition for the role of "Angry Baby" in a bank commercial. Kelly recounts the pressures of matching timing cues and delivering lines in character, humorously illustrating the stress involved:

Robert Kelly [03:14]: "You just break out."

Dan Soder [03:14]: "I'm gonna fuck this up."

Kelly describes the chaotic environment of the audition room, where the bank representatives closely scrutinize his performance. The tension is palpable as he attempts to embody the character, leading to a comical yet stressful ordeal.

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Dan Soder’s Voiceover Horror Story

Dan Soder takes the spotlight next, recounting his own daunting audition experience for a Jon Stewart cartoon on Comedy Central. Soder details the instant panic he felt when faced with unexpected impression requirements, ultimately leading to a chaotic exit from the audition:

Dan Soder [13:09]: "I walked out, and then I got lost in the hallways, and I couldn't find. And I had to walk by them three more times."

Soder vividly describes the confusion and embarrassment of his failed audition, highlighting the often unpredictable nature of such opportunities in the entertainment industry.

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Acting as Extras: Frustrations and Funny Moments

The conversation shifts to their experiences as extras in various projects. Robert Kelly shares anecdotes about filming "Real Stories of the Highway Patrol," where he narrowly escaped a near-accident during a reenactment:

Robert Kelly [18:55]: "They would just film those without any permits. And they just gave, like, they got a shit box that barely ran. And I had to get chased by the highway patrol. Almost snapped our spines."

Meanwhile, Dan Soder discusses his stint as an extra in "Finding Forrester," where he played a minor role as a car in a traffic scene, only to be guided by a younger extra who taught him the ropes:

Lou [26:22]: "I was an extra who was in his car. Like, I was one of the traffic. So you see one of the car I'm in."

These stories shed light on the often overlooked and challenging aspects of being an extra, blending humor with relatable frustrations.

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Commercial Misadventures: Earnings and Embarrassments

Kelly and Soder delve into their less-than-glamorous experiences with commercials that never saw the light of day. Kelly humorously recalls his brief role in a Halls commercial that resulted in an accidental message:

Dan Soder [16:28]: "They gave me $300 for a Halls commercial that was supposed. Everyone was telling me how much I was going to make all year. And this commercial never came out."

Soder adds his own misfortune with a similar failed commercial, emphasizing the unpredictable and often unrewarding nature of such gigs in the industry.

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Brainstorming "Hot Zeros": A Parody of "Hot Ones"

The episode takes an inventive turn as Jay, Bobby, and Soder brainstorm the concept for their own show, tentatively titled "Hot Zeros." Inspired by the popular "Hot Ones" format, where guests are interviewed while eating progressively spicier wings, "Hot Zeros" aims to parody this by featuring comedians who consider themselves "zeros" in the industry:

Dan Soder [51:38]: "We take our group of friends, whoever we want, okay? And we have people sit down and eat progressively hot food... and see how long they can take it while we interview them, we'll call it Hot Zeros."

This segment highlights their creative synergy and willingness to poke fun at themselves and the conventions of the entertainment world.

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Comedic Improv: The Infamous "Angry Baby" Sketch

Throughout the episode, Kelly and Soder engage in light-hearted improvisational sketches, most notably the recurring "Angry Baby" character. This fictional persona adds a layer of humor as they mimic Joe Pesci, blending real and imagined interactions:

Joe Pesci [04:21]: "Hey, DJ Lou, spinning on the ones and twos."

Dan Soder [07:50]: "He was like my fucking father, Joe."

These playful exchanges showcase their chemistry and ability to create humor through spontaneous dialogue.

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Closing Remarks and Future Plans

As the episode concludes, the hosts reflect on their past experiences and tease future projects. They discuss upcoming comedy shows, festival appearances, and the ongoing development of "Hot Zeros." The camaraderie between Jay, Bobby, and their guests underscores the episode's theme of resilience and humor amidst the challenges of the entertainment industry.

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Notable Quotes

• Robert Kelly [07:50]: "I was too dumb to be a voiceover. Voiceover person. But I did book Angry Baby and that."

• Dan Soder [11:08]: "This entire thing never came out. Just got a sunburn and 300 bucks."

• Robert Kelly [19:46]: "We have that show with what's his name."

• Dan Soder [52:04]: "Hot Zeros. Come on."

• Robert Kelly [57:33]: "You're a comedian, buddy."

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Conclusion

"Hot Zeros" is a quintessential The Bonfire episode, blending personal anecdotes with sharp humor and genuine reflections on the ups and downs of pursuing a career in comedy and acting. Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, alongside Dan Soder, deliver a compelling narrative filled with laughter, relatable struggles, and inventive ideas, making it a must-listen for fans and newcomers alike.

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For more episodes of The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, subscribe to SiriusXM’s Faction Talk channel or visit siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

Transcript

[Robert Kelly]

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[Big J Okerson]

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[Robert Kelly]

And now the Bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Dan Soder]

Welcome back to the Bonfire Faction Talk Series XM103. Big Jilkerson, the great Robert Kelly hanging with you.

[Robert Kelly]

That is a dream gig to get a voiceover work. We just go to a studio near you because they don't even make you go to the studio like in the city. They find one near your house and they just rent it. And there's, there's actually one of the places I went to do that is in, in the town I live now. It's right down the street from my house where I live now.

[Dan Soder]

Ryan Reynoldsville.

[Robert Kelly]

Ryan Reynoldsville slash. Edie Falco Town.

[Dan Soder]

Edie Falco Town.

[Robert Kelly]

No. Chaz Palmateri, baby.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, Chaz Bono wouldn't be a bad neighbor.

[Robert Kelly]

Chaz is great. He is a neighbor. He's right down the street.

[Dan Soder]

No Chaz Bono?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, also yeah. And you call him him.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Dan Soder]

Progressive. You.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. That would be a great gig just to go in and voice all your shit, get to do it and when you fuck up they go, just try it that way.

[Dan Soder]

People that do it for like a living living have shit in their home. Usually they just do it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. There's a guy I follow, he does, he does Schwarzenegger, Ryan Reynolds, he does all that stuff really good. But he has one in his house and then he does. That's all he does. Voiceover work, commercial work, and he makes a ton of cash.

[Dan Soder]

Is there anything more stressful, though, when you do, especially when you have to time ADR is when you're doing voiceover for something you've already done, but the audio wasn't good. So you have to do the audio again. And before they play the line as you did it, and you kind of have to match the timing of that. And then they give you. They go three beeps on what would be the fourth beep, Start the line. And by beep two, the stress level inside my body is at an all time high. Like two, three. It's.

[Robert Kelly]

You just break out.

[Dan Soder]

I'm gonna fuck this up.

[Robert Kelly]

You break out in dots.

[Dan Soder]

My dots. Stress dots.

[Robert Kelly]

It is. It is kind of stressful because it beep, beep, beep.

[Dan Soder]

You're like, I could whiff this immediately.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Like if I just don't start on the fourth beat, I fuck up immediately.

[Robert Kelly]

I booked a. There was a baby. It was called Angry Baby, right? And I booked it for a commercial for a bank. And I had to be an angry baby. And you get in the room, but all the people from the bank are in your ear and they're listening to you do it.

[Dan Soder]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

And they're just. So they would. You'd do it and then there'd be a beat of people talking and you.

[Dan Soder]

Have to go like, wah, wah, wah, wah.

[Robert Kelly]

And then they.

[Dan Soder]

It's Angry Baby.

[Robert Kelly]

Angry babe. You wanna hear it?

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Joe Pesci]

The hell is this thing over my head. This thing's spinning. It's making me dizzy, for Christ's sake. God damn. Hey, I don't want this thing. I'm gonna get sick here.

[Dan Soder]

It's Joe Pesci.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's Angry Baby. It's a little different. Joe Pesci's this.

[Joe Pesci]

What kind of people are they?

[Dan Soder]

No, Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

What? This is Angry Baby. This is a difference. Slight difference. Ready? Angry baby.

[Joe Pesci]

Hey, I need some milk. Get a tit.

[Robert Kelly]

This is Joe Pesci.

[Joe Pesci]

Hey, Henry. What kind of people are they? You think I'm a clown? You think I amused you?

[Robert Kelly]

And then the angry baby.

[Joe Pesci]

I love a clown. I'm lonely in the crib.

[Dan Soder]

Here, listen, I'll turn it over to other people because I will say I may have, like, auditory issues.

[Robert Kelly]

Sure.

[Dan Soder]

I'm hearing the same exact thing again.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna give you Joe Pesci.

[Joe Pesci]

Hey, hey, Henry, come here. What the hell's going on with those kind of people?

[Robert Kelly]

And Then Angry Baby.

[Joe Pesci]

Hey, I'm hungry. What's got. You got any, I don't know, porridge or something?

[Dan Soder]

My favorite part is you are actually trying to make them slightly different.

[Robert Kelly]

First of all, they are very different. It's very. Not slightly. There's a huge difference, bro. I mean, look, if you can't hear, that's not my.

[Dan Soder]

Listen, I'll take the blame.

[Robert Kelly]

Just listen. Listen. You tell me which is which. Ready?

[Joe Pesci]

Hey, I'm lonely down here.

[Robert Kelly]

And ready?

[Joe Pesci]

Hey, get me my goddamn money, you fucking cocksucker.

[Dan Soder]

All right. They're okay. Both Angry Baby.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no. The last one was Joe Pesci. The first one was the baby.

[Dan Soder]

I thought you were trying to trick me.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, just give me anything to say. Give me something to say, and I'll show you. I'll do both. Say, tell me to say something. Go ahead.

[Dan Soder]

DJ Lou, spinning on the ones and twos.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, here you go. Ready? Angry Baby.

[Joe Pesci]

Hey, DJ Lou, spinning on the ones and twos.

[Robert Kelly]

Here's Joe Pesci.

[Joe Pesci]

Hey, DJ Lou, spinning on the ones and twos.

[Dan Soder]

You're making new creative choices for Angry Baby.

[Robert Kelly]

What are you talking about? That's what actors do. It's a cr. You're actually right. Creative choices is what acting is about.

[Dan Soder]

You're taking a lot of creative choices.

[Robert Kelly]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Joe Pesci]

You know what, Jay? Sometimes you fucking piss me off. You know, I used to like when you take me, put me in your arms, and rock me to sleep. And now you're up there fucking judging me. You're like my fucking father, Joe. What do you mean fucking me? Go fuck yourself, you little baby.

[Dan Soder]

Did you get the role of Angry Baby?

[Robert Kelly]

I did. Oh, I did get the role.

[Dan Soder]

In front of the whole bank I got.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I got the role. It was one of the only voiceover auditions I've ever gotten in my life because there was a time where the only thing I was getting sent out was voice auditions. And when you go for voiceover auditions, it's pretty much just actors who got married, had kids, and couldn't do acting auditions anymore. But they can do voiceover auditions because they're very fast and they can, you know, it's just good money. So it's just a bunch of guys with, you know, babies on their front and, you know, weird shit, right? And then me in my prime, by the way, I had hair and I would go in all the time. But I, you know, me, I'm kind of dumb when it comes to reading, buddy.

[Dan Soder]

No, you're not dumb. You panic.

[Robert Kelly]

Here's the thing. Because voiceover editions, regular acting auditions, you get the script at least the night before, so you get to run the lines and I'll spaghetti. I'll read it all night long to where I got it and I don't have to look at it. Voiceover auditions, you get the scripts in the room. You got to go in and just pick it up. And a lot of times, dude, I'd just be in there and they. You could. I would read it and then you could see them looking down and looking at each other and laugh. Like, with no. Because no sound. They'd be like, hey, man, you got to try that again. There's a question mark at the end of that and it's. That's not how you say that word. Let me just give you a line read if you don't mind. Like. Okay, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

All right.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I was too dumb to be a voiceover. Voiceover person. But I did book Angry Baby and that. I mean, dude, it's a big one. Yeah, I wish. I wish you could find it. I used to go, there's.

[Joe Pesci]

What the hell's that? A mobile.

[Dan Soder]

It's a bank commercial.

[Robert Kelly]

I said mobile. It was mobile. I said mobile and it was mobile. It was a bank commercial.

[Dan Soder]

Angry Demon child, by any chance?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I'm not demon child. Angry Baby voiceover.

[Dan Soder]

No, you have to look at the word mobile bank.

[Robert Kelly]

And I was also the dog in the super bowl commercial. I was one of the dogs, which was very similar to Angry Baby.

[Dan Soder]

Christine, you find out the Poker Dogs commercial. Super Bowl.

[Robert Kelly]

It was for the fx. It almost became a TV show. They were going to make it a TV show and I would have been. Oh, my God. My dreams would have came true. Would have just been a dog.

[Joe Pesci]

Hey, listen. What's going on?

[Robert Kelly]

There it is right there. There you go. I think that's. That's not it.

[Dan Soder]

I was gonna say it's 2011. No, sort of two years ago.

[Robert Kelly]

Couple. It was a few years ago.

[Dan Soder]

Was it a godaddy ad?

[Robert Kelly]

No. Super Bowl. Super bowl ad.

[Dan Soder]

Yes. She put in that. She put that in there. Just type in Dogs Playing Poker commercial.

[Joe Pesci]

The she doing Jay. The.

[Robert Kelly]

Is this Angry Baby, by the way.

[Dan Soder]

I'm starting to think that this whole thing never happened. Right there. Add dog poker. Is that it?

[Robert Kelly]

That's it, buddy.

[Christine]

That's nine years ago.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe it was nine years ago.

[Dan Soder]

Maybe instead of two.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe.

[Dan Soder]

Is Gilbert one number three.

[Robert Kelly]

You're an idiot.

[Dan Soder]

Sunday Night Football, 17 weeks.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, I don't appreciate being called an idiot just because you fear technology. That's not my fault.

[Dan Soder]

I've been called a lot of things at this table, but an idiot will.

[Robert Kelly]

Not be one of them. Espn. That's not it.

[Dan Soder]

That was you.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not it.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, it's.

[Robert Kelly]

It's. I think they might have did that one year and then we came back and did it again. Dennis Leary. Type in Dennis Leary. He was in it. And Roy Jones Jr. Is that his name? Roy Woods Jr. Sorry.

[Dan Soder]

Roy Wood.

[Robert Kelly]

Roy Wood Jr. Yeah. Was one of the dogs micro.

[Dan Soder]

More Roy Wood.

[Robert Kelly]

Yep.

[Dan Soder]

Starting things holdings.

[Robert Kelly]

There it is right there.

[Christine]

This.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

I'm telling you, Buffalo's gonna win it all.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. Can you imagine being a Bills fan?

[Big J Okerson]

Going to four street Super Bowls, no rings, and then nothing ever since. And you live in Buffalo.

[Robert Kelly]

I went to four straight Puppy Bowls. That's not possible. You're not happy after your first birthday? Dude, I'm little. Got a baby face. It's a soccer team.

[Dan Soder]

That's right. What?

[Robert Kelly]

Sorry, that was an instinct. I can't control it. In case anybody wonders why we broke up. We don't really. Oh, you're hilarious. Let me tell you something. The only thing the Puppy bowl gets right, no field goals. No field goals, no misfeed. And I don't lose.

[Dan Soder]

You're the best voice and you're underused.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You know they let kickers in the hall of Fame.

[Robert Kelly]

They should be in the shed behind the hall of Fame. Yeah, that's right. What?

[Dan Soder]

Junior, that's.

[Robert Kelly]

That's Roy. Roy Jr. They ixnaded my angry. I came out of the gate with the angry baby voice and they were.

[Dan Soder]

Like, get a grip.

[Robert Kelly]

They ixnayed it.

[Dan Soder]

They were like, you can't just keep doing that voice for every character you come in and do.

[Robert Kelly]

I believe I can.

[Dan Soder]

Well, you know my. You know my. I mean, you know my voiceover horror story.

[Robert Kelly]

What is yours?

[Dan Soder]

I'll tell it again. It's been a while. I went to a. I love.

[Robert Kelly]

I love the Christines cracking up right now at your.

[Dan Soder]

I wasn't okay when I left that day. I was like, fucking whacked out.

[Robert Kelly]

Christine. Did you have to deal with it when he came back?

[Christine]

I came straight here. It's the best.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Soder]

I was shell shocked. I just did it so wrong. They were calling everybody in to read for Jon Stewart's new cartoon he was gonna do on Comedy Central, I think. And it was gonna be a big deal. And everyone. They had everybody come and audition for it. And they wanted you to choose a voice. For the characters they showed you pictures of and read. Just make it. Make a decision and read a line or two in this person's, like, whatever the character voice you're going to.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I ask you a question? Was it with Anne Harris and what's her name? No, it was not with Anne Harris. Okay.

[Dan Soder]

But I went in and I remember and they said they wanted you to do two impressions and a choice and a choice for a voice.

[Robert Kelly]

You had to do impressions.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, Well, I didn't have to. I said I didn't want to do this audition at all. And they go, everybody's going in for it, dude. Everyone's going in for this. You should go. I was like, okay. Then I went. And again, it was funny. They didn't have Dan like I did at the audition. Dan didn't go after.

[Robert Kelly]

Dan doesn't have to audition. They just. They were gonna give him the part.

[Dan Soder]

I don't think he did it. I don't think he had anything to do with it at all. And he's such a perfect person for that. But I. We're sitting in the green in the waiting room, and Sam Morel comes out.

[Robert Kelly]

That's hilarious.

[Dan Soder]

And I go, hey, Sam. I go, how was it? He was like. He's like, yeah, it's tough because it's not my thing at all. And he's like. I was like, but how did it go? He goes, eh, it wasn't. He goes, I just did two impressions in a voice. He was like. It was actually. They were pretty cool about it and, like, made it pretty easy. And I was like, oh, okay. And I went in there, and they put me in a booth, and that booth, you know, was like, deafeningly quiet.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no.

[Dan Soder]

And I'm sitting there, and everybody's out watching behind the glass.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Dan Soder]

And they go, I don't even remember. This part was so. Whatever. It got so much worse that I don't remember the voice I chose. I remember in my head thinking I had a voice chose. And then when I got in the room, I just, like, my mouth didn't work. I don't know what I just did. I was like. I was like, hey, man, it was awful. But that wasn't the worst part at all. Then they go. They go, do you have any impressions? You do? I go, I just said, I don't know why. I said, my friend Dan does a pretty good Dr. Phil.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Dan Soder]

And then I go, he does something. I swear to you.

[Robert Kelly]

You did an impression of an impressionist. What? What?

[Dan Soder]

And I didn't have anything to say? I was like. I was like, oh, hey, Dr. Phil here. And they were like, they go, any impressions that you do? And then I went up. I go. And I think at the time, like, Charlie Sheen. I go, oh, I do Charlie. I do a pretty. I'm trying to think of the ones that Dan complimented me on before. And he goes, my Charlie Sheen was pretty good. He goes, I go, I do Charlie Sheen. They go, great. Do Charlie Sheen. You know, it's all happening in your headphones.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you bring up. Dan said you did a good one? Dan said, I did a good one.

[Dan Soder]

I didn't. I didn't bring up Dan again. They didn't react big the first time. They just said, any impression that you do? And so I said, charlie Sheen. They go, great, Charlie Sheen. Go ahead. And the words I chose to say were from Beetlejuice, which is, by the way, a similar impression. I just went, I'm the ghost with the most, baby. And then I panicked because I was like, that's not a Charlie Sheen line. And then I went, aids. And then I walked out, and they were like. They were like, jj, wait. We just need you to go. I went, no, no. And I left. And then I got lost in the hallways, and I couldn't find. And I had to walk by them three more times.

[Robert Kelly]

You're just walking, bumping into things, going, aids, aids.

[Dan Soder]

I literally. The elevator took nine years to come. I got out, and I walked here from there. It wasn't far, and it was just. I was shell shocked. I was not all right. I think I actually walked from far. I think it was like, in the.

[Christine]

70S, you were, like, stunned, and you told Stern. You were like, you did what?

[Dan Soder]

I walked from, like, the 70s to here.

[Robert Kelly]

Why would you ever go far? Why would you ever go in and do impressions, man?

[Dan Soder]

I didn't want to do it. They said everyone was doing. You have to.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to do it if everybody's doing it.

[Dan Soder]

I know that now.

[Robert Kelly]

Shit. Wow, man.

[Dan Soder]

Aids. They were confused. And when I walked out, they were like, no, no, no, don't leave. And I just left. And then I had to keep walking by them four times at least more. I just goes wrong way completely. And it just kept winding me around back to this door where they're there, and they go. And they were like, sir, it's totally fine. And I'm like, I don't even know what that means. Like, I'm just gonna go.

[Robert Kelly]

They called you sir? Oh, shit, that's great.

[Lou]

Is that the show with the two women on hbo?

[Dan Soder]

No, nothing ever. It never came out.

[Robert Kelly]

That's.

[Lou]

Oh, it never came out.

[Robert Kelly]

Worst part about these humiliating experiences is that most of the shit never comes out. And you just took your afternoon and humiliated yourself and literally set yourself back seven years.

[Dan Soder]

Well, how about the commercial? I'll tell you the commercial I did where I was painting green and I got a sunburn of an S on stomach. They gave me $300 for a Halls commercial that was supposed. Everyone was telling me how much I was going to make all year. And this commercial never came out. Never even came out. Just got a sunburn and 300 bucks.

[Robert Kelly]

And an S on your chest for sucker.

[Dan Soder]

An S on my chest for stupid ass stupid with two O's. Stupid.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. That is a bad thing. I did a. I did a bunch of those things where it never came. Never saw the light of it. I ever do industrials.

[Dan Soder]

I don't even know what that is.

[Robert Kelly]

It's like Dunkin Donuts needs an ad. They need a. They need a, like a corporate video. A corporate video. It's industrial, so they need to. Hey, if somebody robs they what, you got to go in, get the job, watch all these videos and then learn how to, you know, what you have to do if somebody robs the store, you know what I mean? And I've done a bunch of those.

[Dan Soder]

Oh yeah, Reenactments and stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

Reenactments, yeah.

[Christine]

Wait, where are these?

[Robert Kelly]

They're out there. I actually. My mom did one and I did one. I did one years later and it was weird because I had to go in. When I worked at Grossman's Bargain Outlet, which is before Home Depot, you had lumber yards, like Somerville Lumber. It was like, you know, like small town places. But Grossman's was the first chain lumber thing. And then they had the Bargain Outlet, which was the shitty. All the broken shit would go there and you get it cheap. And I worked there like, you know, twisted, bent, two by fours and all that stuff.

[Dan Soder]

I love that. You used to have the acting passion of a queer.

[Robert Kelly]

And I remember I went into.

[Dan Soder]

You really wanted to be in stuff, dude, I was never there. You want to be in a reenactment? I'm like, no.

[Robert Kelly]

I did so many of them. I did so many of them, it's crazy. I did Real Stories of the Highway Patrol. Thank God you can't find it. But I did an episode of Real Stories of the Highway Patrol. They paid me $50. It was all day long. Almost got killed. Almost. Because they just. They would just, you know, film those without any permits. And they just gave, like they got a shit box that barely ran. And I had to get chased by the highway, the highway patrol. Doing like, 60 down a highway. The thing's just shaking. And then take a left and it almost. A car just hit a jump and we almost landed in the fucking woods. And I just. Like, they had no springs. We just almost snapped our spines. It was crazy.

[Dan Soder]

50 bucks, dude. I did. I did a. Was that a Kmart ad? Christine was me. Chuck. Nice. Kareem Green. It was like a full day. We're dressed like elves in his. In some fucking house in. In Jersey or upstate New York somewhere.

[Christine]

That was before my time.

[Dan Soder]

No, absolutely no. I went there from our apartment. Yeah, I wasn't. I was in that pilot. Crazy house. Never went anywhere.

[Christine]

Yeah, that was fun.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm in so many of these little videos. Like, I mean, not even big companies, smaller companies, where I'm just in a suit and they, you know, shaking hands with somebody. Yeah. Just exactly, like, sitting there listening. And then they cut to me, and then I'd. I'd walk up and be like, hey, if I like somebody and I want to ask them out, should I do it at work or should I not do it at all? And then they cut back to the person. You shouldn't ask anybody out at work because it's. You know what I mean?

[Dan Soder]

Did it satisfy your acting bug, Nancy?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, buddy.

[Dan Soder]

Because you have to. You have to give a shit. It's not money. At that point, you give a shit, you're like, oh, yeah, I'm gonna be in things. This is the way, like, up through the ladder. That's why I never gave it. They said when you got here to New York, all kinds of weird, like, dude, you gotta go just be an extra for a day. I'm like, genuinely doesn't matter that much to me.

[Robert Kelly]

I actually. On the movie Oliantha, which is a David Mamet film.

[Dan Soder]

Sure is.

[Robert Kelly]

When I was like, I'll never do this shit again. Because I showed up to this. David Mamet's huge oleanta. They're filming it in Boston. My acting teacher, Peter Kelly, who's the best. Oh, God, he's the best. Oh, my God, he.

[Dan Soder]

You had to talk earnestly to a guy wearing an indoor scarf all the time.

[Robert Kelly]

Nah, dude, he was cool. He used to wear a leather jacket and just bang his students. He was cool.

[Dan Soder]

Is that why you wore a leather jacket?

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, you'd love Pete Kelly. You'd love Pete, man.

[Dan Soder]

But acting is reacting now. Suck this dick. Hey, ladies, how do you react to this present?

[Robert Kelly]

I used to fuck around with every acting partner I had who was a female. Or even this big girl, she was like £300. And I remember we went to a house and she cooked lasagna and eggplant palm. She had a whole dinner waiting for me.

[Dan Soder]

Damn. My scene partner was Gina Brion. And we did the she tells me she's a lesbian scene from Chasing Amy. And then I had to arm wrestle a black guy who said he wanted to fucking kill me before we started. And then he slammed my hand down on the ground.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't like acting class, but I got into that. I got into that thing. I'm in Olanta, I'm an extra. I'm like, okay. And then they put us in a field. I'm in this hot field all day. I'm just sitting there, like, starving. Didn't know what the hell to do. And this is right when the flip phones, remember the cell one phones came out. The flip phone. So I had a flip phone because I'm always in the technology.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And I called the pizza place. I ordered a pizza to this field in this mental institution where they were filming it as a college. And then all of a sudden, the. There was a lady, she was the. In charge of all the extras. She had a headset. Big blonde chick, like. Like, you know, Russian. And she's like, who ordered pizza? And everybody. Everybody, whatever the hell she was, she's.

[Joe Pesci]

Like, who the fuck wanted pizza?

[Dan Soder]

It's Angry Baby. Angry Baby's back.

[Joe Pesci]

Which one of you cocksuckers ordered the fucking pie?

[Dan Soder]

Oh, shit. Angry Baby strikes.

[Joe Pesci]

The fuck's going on? We fucking feed you.

[Robert Kelly]

He lives, buddy. She got so mad. And everybody's looking at me because they know I ordered this pizza. These are the stupid theater rats. And I was like, I ordered the pizza. She's like, we feed you. I was like, when?

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, you're like Spicoli.

[Robert Kelly]

So. And then I remember when they finally fed us, I guess the pizza guy, the delivery guy pulled up in the middle of a scene with David Mamet. And he pulled up and honked his horn of his little Toyota Corolla and was like, yo, I got a pizza for Robert Kelly and ruined the scene. And David got pissed. So then at lunch, they bring us all in. And people don't know this, but when you go to lunch, Crew eats first, then the stars and the extras. Your last.

[Dan Soder]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

Usually in a different area. I just walked in, started feeling my Plate. And I'm sitting there, and I'm in front of the fucking director. I'm in front of Mammoth, and you've.

[Dan Soder]

Already crushed a pizza that.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, well, they didn't give me the pizza. They told him to go home. I didn't get the pie. And then. So.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, shit. They came just to tell you, yeah, sorry, but you can't do that.

[Robert Kelly]

I ruined a scene. So then I grabbed my plate of food and I sat next to David. I said, thanks to David, man. I was like, hey, what's up, man? I was this. I was talking about the food. This food's good. And then someone came over and tapped me on the shoulder. He goes, you're not supposed to eat. You're supposed to wait to eat. I'm like, I'm starving. You told me we get food. And they literally took me out and put me in this, like, circle room that I think they used to just put mental patients in.

[Dan Soder]

Were you screaming, I'm an actor. The whole time. I'm an actor.

[Robert Kelly]

I got in a fight with one of the actresses because I was like, I'm done with this shit. This is bullshit, the way they treat us. And she was like, this is what you have to do. This is how you make it in the business. I go, this is not how you make it in the business. This is. If this how you make it in the business, this is horseshit. I don't want to make it in the shit business. This is how you don't make it. And she's like, we got a big fight. And the rest of the day I.

[Dan Soder]

Was by myself because that woman went on to be Angela Bassett.

[Robert Kelly]

I was this. I remember they. None of them would talk to me after that because they all took her side. And I was just sitting in this.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, listen, if you're out there in that field, you have to believe that this is a step towards your ultimate goal of being the next Brad Pitt or whatever it is. Because it sounds nightmarish to me.

[Robert Kelly]

It was night and they ran out of clothes, so they didn't have college student clothes and they didn't have any more backpacks. So she gave me a bowling bag and a polo shirt that was too tight, so I look like Fred Flintstone.

[Dan Soder]

But a real actor could have made something.

[Robert Kelly]

I wonder if I'm in it. I never watched it, but I wonder if you can see me in the field scene, just in a field, like Fred Flintstone, a bunch of kids.

[Dan Soder]

He goes, hey, hey. It's a little fun fact. If you look in the background, you can see David Mamet yelling at a guy for ordering pizza to the set. One pizza set, please. I. I never caught the itch. I definitely. I definitely loved being on T Pick. Seeing yourself on a TV show or when I went to go see Hustlers. I do love the feeling of being in it. The action of it holds no alert unless they were able to lower me down in a helicopter five seconds before they go rolling.

[Robert Kelly]

That. That incident, though, I never took work again.

[Dan Soder]

Extra work.

[Robert Kelly]

And that led me to when I got Koala Bear Kid. And then I got Last Night at Eddie's. And then I got Four Dogs and a Bone. And then that's my. Well, that's when I quit comedy. When Billy and Dane and Patrice, we all started comedy. But then I got a movie, a small movie, and then the other movie. And then I got off Broadway in Boston and I was in. I was literally went from hanging out with Patrice, Billy and Dane to hanging out with actors like. Like, you know, all these real actors.

[Dan Soder]

There's definitely a video somewhere of Bobby talking to somebody while he's doing bar exercises with his leg up on the thing, doing ballet type stuff. He goes, my whole body's my instrument.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude.

[Dan Soder]

This is a very physically demanding scene.

[Lou]

I was an extra in one movie because, like, you, I thought that everyone said this is how you get your. Your actor's card. I think you need something like 5 minutes total screen time you have to build up, and then you're a member of the union.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, well, no, no, no. You have to pay to be a member. You have to pay or you can't do any more work.

[Lou]

Yeah, you have to, but you have to have a minimum amount of screen time. So if. Even if you're an extra, accounts. So the movie was Finding Forrester. It was like one of the last Sean Connery movies.

[Dan Soder]

What were you, his lighting double?

[Lou]

I was an extra, but I didn't know what I was doing. And it turned out I was an extra who was in his car. Like, I was one of the traffic. So you see one of the car I'm in.

[Robert Kelly]

So the core, the car was more relevant than you in the.

[Lou]

That's all you saw.

[Dan Soder]

I was hoping Jacob was gonna be a person going, guys, over here. I found Forrester.

[Lou]

So I had to line up with like a hundred of the cars and drive down Park Avenue.

[Robert Kelly]

So it was your car?

[Lou]

No, it was my parents car.

[Dan Soder]

Oh.

[Lou]

I don't even remember what I think. The car in the scene, I think it was a Nissan Sentra.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, Oldsmobile.

[Lou]

Don't remember. Mercedes.

[Dan Soder]

Able.

[Lou]

It was one of the most miserable days I've ever had. It was exactly the way you described. Like, I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know where I was supposed to go. But I did get out. I had to park on the street. And I did see Sean Connery walk past me.

[Robert Kelly]

They treat you. They used to treat you worse, but they. They treat background people way better now. But they did the back when I was into it. They treated you like cattle. You just sat. We sat in a field for four hours. I was like, under a tree, like a hippo. Just wait. And then that's when I go to the pizza. I'm like, I. I need to eat. I didn't understand that. They didn't feed you. They went into, like, some. Some meal penalty to get their shot. And then I fucked up the shot with my pizza delivery.

[Lou]

Right?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I didn't understand all the. There's a lot of foggy rules.

[Lou]

But the, The. The. The eating part, when they broke for lunch. Yeah, that's when I really realized I'm. I'm. My part in the movie was car. I played car 59.

[Dan Soder]

Okay. Hey, car.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, car.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

I believe it.

[Lou]

I didn't know what I was doing.

[Joe Pesci]

And I spoke to car 59.

[Dan Soder]

You cocksuckers angry Baby got the part.

[Lou]

But then there was, like, a girl there that was like, 14, and she was a classroom extra. So she was actually, like, responding. And she was on. She was in the scene, like, for a big part of the movie, and she was, like, teaching me the biz talking. And I felt humiliated because I was an adult being told what I'm supposed to do here. And she was telling me how much screen time I needed. And I said, but. But I'm a car. I mean, I'm in the car. She said, well, no, you have to be like, you have to be seen.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, that stuff does happen. It's happened to me a couple times where I was. I was in. I was supposed to have one thing, and I'm out. And because I said, I came up with a line like when the two. Two. I don't know if you remember that show that was on. It was on for one season. It was cbs. It was De Niro, his production company.

[Dan Soder]

Back when that was a real two sentence, backpedal. But it was De Niro production company.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, no, no, De Niro was involved. And his partner, whatever her name is, it's a woman. I forget her name. It Was it's. It was huge. This whole thing was huge. This was CBS when it was the year they didn't cancel one show. CBS had. Every hit on TV was on that network. And then De Niro and his partner stepped in to make this show and they literally just got all hot young people to be cops. And it was the 2. 2. But I was the chubby, you know, joke maker.

[Dan Soder]

Comic relief.

[Robert Kelly]

Comic relief. I was supposed to come in for one. One line and then I'm out. And the. The writer or the director or the. No, the. What do they call it? The showrunner who came up with the show. He saw me at the Cellar and liked me and he. I came in and they were all sitting there and he goes, could somebody. We come in and the guy says it. I need you guys to say stuff. Just say something. I need other business. I need people to say. So I. This guy says this thing about this thing and I was like, all right, enough out of you, wick Wikipedia. And I just say that line and it killed in the room. Not only did I get myself a job for the whole season, I got that dude a job and his name was Wikipedia in the show. So we both got things. But alls we would do would be in the roll call. I would say something funny, he would say something stupid, I would trash him. And then we'd show up at the scene and I would come in and just, you know, put the handcuffs on somebody. But I was too fat. I was too big. Yeah, it sucked. I had to wear all the cop.

[Dan Soder]

Uniform society was behind. I've put a cop uniform on for two things before that I filmed and I hate it every time. A police officer's belt is the stupidest fucking thing in the dumbest. You have to have an ass to be a police officer or that's things not going to stay up.

[Robert Kelly]

I actually hurt. The. The war wardrobe guy was this middle aged gay guy. He was awesome. He loved me. And he went to put my belt on one day, those big leather cop belts and he snapped something in his back.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, I believe it. Those things are heavy as and they just are fault. They're not attached to anything.

[Robert Kelly]

He went. He went like this. Oh God, no, no, no. Fell to the ground. He's going, no, no, no, no. They had to take him away and they're like, what'd you do to him? I'm like, I didn't do nothing. What do you do? I go, he was just putting my belt on. He goes, I snap. I pulled a muscle on my Back. So for the rest of the episodes, I had these two young twinks that would join forces to put my.

[Dan Soder]

But the fact that the belt doesn't sit on loops. It just hangs loose like you're playing bass and rat. Ridiculous. Police uniforms suck. Yeah, I did a. I never put.

[Robert Kelly]

The handcuffs on people, too, because I would always have to. I just couldn't hold. Like when I had to kneel down to get handcuffs on people, I would just lean up and go, hey, dude, hold the cuffs in your hands. Because I couldn't. I'd have to get down.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, you turn purple.

[Robert Kelly]

It was too much. So I would just go down, put the cuffs, hold these, and then put your hands behind your back. And I'd walk over the car. I had to come up with all fat tricks.

[Dan Soder]

That's fucking. I did a. Do you remember Christine? When I went in with Comedy Central? Wasn't it supposed to be just online with Feral? One of the guys who directed Z Rock, the show that I was on, just wanted to keep doing projects with me where he could, I guess. And we pitched or he pitched a show was me as the host of Dating Show. I forget what it was called, but it was me tagging along on first dates with these people they put together. It was conceptually, but it was just like. There was just no plan. You know what I mean? We went. We took a cute, chubby white girl to date a black guy and then back to his hood house with all of his cousins and shit. Okay. I mean, it was.

[Robert Kelly]

Sounds funny.

[Dan Soder]

It's not my thing, but I don't have any vision of it. You know what I mean? I'm like, so anything I've done like that, when I did movies on tap with Patrice and did those interstitial. I've done interstitial stuff for Comedy Central before. I just. It's just. It's so not my thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you ever see my interstitial that I made? Robert Kelly's U Haul show?

[Dan Soder]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Starring Dan Sota.

[Dan Soder]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

The whole concept. Serpico came up with it. I rent a U Haul truck. I go on the road all over the country. I rent a U Haul truck. I go and I get props from places, and then I pull up to, like, Starbucks and I just grab somebody, interview them. Then I go to, like, a band's house, local band, and I'll go interview them. Then they perform, and then I'll get a local comic and I'll meet them at a Dunkin Donuts or whatever, and they'll do a set.

[Dan Soder]

What A nightmare.

[Robert Kelly]

There it is right there. That's my show.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, God, dude, this is it. I'm turning around for this.

[Robert Kelly]

This is a preview of the show.

[Dan Soder]

What do you and Dan hat you're wearing?

[Robert Kelly]

That's. That's. That's my scally cap. It's a scally.

[Dan Soder]

That's a real ball. Do your whole pose.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait for this. We're here live in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot. I have my Dunkin Donuts coffee, and we're about to do a live comedy show right here in the park.

[Dan Soder]

Bobby, pause it.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I say something to you live twice.

[Dan Soder]

Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Dan Soder]

You've tried everything.

[Robert Kelly]

Not everything. Not everything. Because Bobby Kelly's tech show. You don't need it. Is be available very soon.

[Dan Soder]

You've tried all of it, but that's how you get ahead of things. That's why you're early podcasting. It's why you were.

[Robert Kelly]

We came up with this show. I was at the Improv. And. And where is it? On the West Palm Improv. Okay.

[Dan Soder]

Rest in peace.

[Robert Kelly]

West Palm Improv. Supposed to record it to get it to send to somebody. We hire this guy to have with a video camera to come down and record my Thursday night show. The show is so unruly. Nobody's there to see me. They gave tickets out to everybody.

[Dan Soder]

Just riff raff.

[Robert Kelly]

Big groups of Cuban people.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And they were. They were. I. I was. I'd be like. I'd say a joke. Be like, yeah, marriage is tough. And they gotta go. Why is that? They would just ask questions to all my setups.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, God.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm like, I'm gonna tell you that. But just let me get. That's the setup, and then I do the punch. It was so bad. It was the worst thing. One of the worst shows I've ever done to where I. I barely pulled out of it. I barely did 45 minutes. And it was. The club went, hey, we're sorry about that. Like, they knew it was their fault. And Jim was like, you know what? We got all this camera equipment. Why don't we just think of an idea? And he came up with this idea, and we. We came back here, filmed it, and then we pitched it to every network for an interstitial. And I'm here with you.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, I'm here with you. Yeah. The hot. The hot wings guy. Millionaire.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, yeah. You were trying to be. That's what it was. You were trying to be, whatchama call it, on the stoop with what's her face.

[Robert Kelly]

This is. Yeah, this was like when Pete Corelli was doing that show Opposite side or whatever.

[Dan Soder]

This could be maybe in the cabs.

[Robert Kelly]

This could be an interstitial, like the poker thing in between movie night or something like that. Something introduced the comic that you came here to see. He's one of my young. These guys, all that crowd, no idea. They just stopped. Okay, I just stopped. All these people.

[Dan Soder]

Well, let's see who they look like.

[Robert Kelly]

These are people walking by just to get to the bus or get a coffee. And I stopped them to watch this show that's about to happen.

[Dan Soder]

Okay, one black guy. Looks like his forehead curves into his eyes. They both sort of have that same look. Then you got a real skis looking white dude.

[Robert Kelly]

That's Jim Serbico.

[Dan Soder]

No, it's not. No, you're talking about holding the camera.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, little black. Okay.

[Dan Soder]

I'm talking about the guy with the ponytail. Oh, then there's the hat. The. The two hoodie. By the way, it's two types of everything. Two black guys look sort of the same. Two scuds. Dudes, that girl's wearing the same hat as you, Bobby. And then Mike Harrington off to the right. That's everybody. They just stops and they don't know what you're doing.

[Robert Kelly]

They know.

[Dan Soder]

And you, by the way, one thing about you, it's great. You keep going. You are not deterred by this. As soon as two of these people stop, I go, please, guys, could you don't do this.

[Robert Kelly]

Favorite young comics from New York City. He's an up and comer, my friend, Dan Sota. Everybody. Give it up.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Dan Soder]

Thank you, everybody.

[Robert Kelly]

We're here live. Oh, that's it. You don't have the Dan set. I'll tell you what though, you know Dan, he can't fail. He went out and killed.

[Dan Soder]

He did a stand up set.

[Robert Kelly]

Did a stand up set in front of everybody.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, Jesus.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And killed. But then I interview him and we go in the truck after we interview. I interview him in the back of the truck. Yeah. And we just come from a band. We did the Flat Bottom Boys, I think they're called. Yeah. We went to the house, interviewed them and they did a song right on the back of the truck. And that was the whole thing. I would go do a comic, local comic, local band and somebody random at some place and I would do my talk show.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, I just forgot. One of my tattoos I have on the back of my leg is from that dating show.

[Christine]

Pentagram with bat wings.

[Dan Soder]

Pentagram with bat wings. Terrible tattoo. Artist, terrible tattoo.

[Christine]

We actually sat down. I remember after that show, we sat down. I was like, you can't work with every producer that wants to work with you.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, that was the call.

[Christine]

I was like, you have to work with talented producers.

[Robert Kelly]

I remember we walked into TruTV with this, and we were pitching it, and I just remember the. It was all women at that time. Like, you know what I mean? And they were just. They were just, like, looking at us sideways, and I was just. Just enthusiastic. So then. And then.

[Dan Soder]

And then, if history serves correctly with everything, I would assume they were like, look, we're all soaking wet for Dan, but I don't know about this stupid U Haul. And you and your hat. We're all slicking the shorts for Dan.

[Robert Kelly]

Dan is a cutie.

[Dan Soder]

It was a long hair, too. It's a longer hair.

[Robert Kelly]

We killed it. It's on my Patreon, I guess. Right?

[Christine]

I'm trying to get to.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's on my Patreon.

[Dan Soder]

Christine's a patron.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that was cute little. Cute little Dan. That was. I mean, he. Nobody knew who he was.

[Dan Soder]

I know you said a little unknown new guy, Dan Soder.

[Robert Kelly]

Nobody knew who he was. And I was like, I'm gonna. I'm gonna skyrocket this guy to fame.

[Dan Soder]

Watch what I do. Just in fairness, by everything in this conversation we've had, though, he said no one also knew who you were.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, that's true, too. That is a valid point.

[Christine]

I didn't know Patreon had been around as far back as that video would have been.

[Robert Kelly]

I think it's when it first came out.

[Christine]

It must have been.

[Robert Kelly]

It was when it first came out. I had that for.

[Dan Soder]

You're always ahead of the curve.

[Robert Kelly]

I was always ahead of the curve. Yeah. I was always too far ahead of the curve.

[Dan Soder]

I was before. You get the thing. You get the thing. It's like the prototype that goes away, too.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Bobby's the first one on. Like, that. You'd get things where you're like, well, this is defunct now.

[Robert Kelly]

Yep. I always come in.

[Dan Soder]

Did you have a Zoom? Did you get a Zune?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

You got a Zoom.

[Robert Kelly]

If you see me at your festival and I'm headlining your festival is about to be closed. We have Bob Kelly. Yeah, what's up?

[Lou]

Just remember the punctuation for the Finding Forrester I made. I think it was a total of 13 hours with all getting there and. But it was one of the longest days. I was miserable. I asked them twice, can I leave?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Because we seem to be Doing nothing. And they said no. And I made a total of $85 for the day. And then the. The agent who. I don't remember how I knew this, but I think somebody else put me as. She's a extra agent called me and said I have to bring her the $15 from that cut. And then I think it took me $20 in tolls and traffic to get there.

[Robert Kelly]

Buddy is the worst.

[Lou]

That's how much I made.

[Robert Kelly]

That's why comedy camp. When I was first on the call sheet, I was so happy because I've never been, you know. Because you always had the call sheet thing where you're, you know, sixth or seventh or eighth.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, but to be like. To look down at the call sheet and see first I was like, oh my God.

[Dan Soder]

I.

[Robert Kelly]

Then the whole thing fell apart. We have to take a break. We need to take a break. But we will be back very shortly. It's the bonfire.

[Dan Soder]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Joe Pesci]

Busu uso wenga.

[Robert Kelly]

That means kiss my face. Let's get more of you talking in a new language. Babbel is gifting our listeners 60% off [e-mail] Bonfire get up to 60% [e-mail] BonFire spelled B-A B-B-E-L.com Bonfire Babbel.com. bonfire rules and restrictions may apply.

[Dan Soder]

Look at Bobby. This is a moment in time. This picture here. This is. This video I think of, Dan. It's. You were going for, like, you know what? I like eating food, but I'm gonna cool. I'm gonna be a cool, chubby guy, you know?

[Robert Kelly]

This was when I was going for. I was 100% going for food Network Travel Channel show. I was going to be that guy.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, a fucking fat guy trying to be cool. The worst. I spent my whole life being a fat guy trying to be Richie Guy Fieri.

[Robert Kelly]

Before Guy Fieri, I had a meeting with the head of Travel Channel when they did man versus Food, Right.

[Dan Soder]

Was it you and Sherrod or something?

[Robert Kelly]

Me and Shahrod did Men versus Food.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

After that, I was like, I need. I want this. I want one of these travel shows. And we met with her, and at one point, she looked at me. We were pitching this. I think we were pitching her this. And at one point, she goes, would you ever host man versus Food? Because Adam had just left because all the shit that went on with him and she was. Would you have a whole.

[Dan Soder]

What's wrong with him?

[Robert Kelly]

Because he couldn't do it because the food was killing him.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, Adam Richmond was actually.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he was. It was just too much. He was all that eating that much food.

[Dan Soder]

I don't know if it's on anymore.

[Robert Kelly]

It's. It is on. They went back to it. They had another guy already.

[Dan Soder]

Well, no, Casey.

[Robert Kelly]

Casey was on it.

[Dan Soder]

What was his name? We, like. I like.

[Robert Kelly]

But so she asked me to do, like. Literally was like. She looked at me like, would you do it? And I just had to go, yes. I. There was that. You know what I mean? There was that vibe in the room. Like, Yeah, I would do it right now. She would be like, okay. And I went, well, I don't want to kill myself. You know, I don't want to. I'd have to. We'd have to work it out because, you know, I don't want to be too gluttonous. And she just shut down. She goes, all right, I gotta go. I'll see that. And she walked out.

[Dan Soder]

I don't want to be gluttonous.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Is it still on?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

The show? Because. I don't know. I haven't seen a new. I used to DVR them. I don't have cable now, though.

[Christine]

It says it's still going.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. Well, when. Oh, it streams on Max. Thanks, God. Thank God.

[Christine]

I like him much more than the original guy.

[Dan Soder]

Me. Too.

[Christine]

The original guy's kind of smarmy.

[Dan Soder]

I like this guy much better. But you were getting ready to be the other guy.

[Robert Kelly]

I, I. There was a point where you're gonna.

[Dan Soder]

Wear leather jackets and try to cool guy while you shove a pineapple pizza in your face.

[Robert Kelly]

Gorgeous. When I did the show.

[Dan Soder]

Look at my jacket, huh? Now give me the biggest pizza that anyone's ever seen.

[Robert Kelly]

I was so meant to do that show when me and, when me and Sherrod did it. Men versus Food, which was a different concept. Basically, we go to a restaurant and we keep eating until somebody taps out. Yeah, right. He tapped out at noon.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I had to eat his tater, left without tipping, but I didn't eat his tater.

[Dan Soder]

And you got me money. Right.

[Robert Kelly]

We went to Cleveland, and he, he, he couldn't eat any of his food. So for the rest of it, we had to go to at least seven or eight restaurants to make the show. So we just had to go to restaurants, and they would just be like, can you eat the rest of shoats? So I was such a fat tub of shit, I ate the other half of his Cuban sandwich. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Casey Webb's good case. He's got a better personality for it.

[Robert Kelly]

He does. The other guys, he. I actually follow him on Twitter. Adam Richmond, I think it is. Yeah, he's. He's, He's.

[Dan Soder]

He's a little dildo.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, well, him and Bert are real good friends, I guess, but he's very sure. He is smart. He's like an actor. He comes from Yale. He went to Yale. Acting. Yeah. He was supposed to be a big actor. That was his whole thing.

[Dan Soder]

His man. Here's the thing.

[Robert Kelly]

He still lives in New York.

[Dan Soder]

Does he? I don't know. His personality on the show was so bad to me, I never liked it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's actory. It's like, you know, fake. This guy's.

[Dan Soder]

No, it was like, it was trying to be cool guy. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Christine]

This guy's dorky.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. You like dorky?

[Dan Soder]

This guy, what he's doing. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

He comes in, he goes in life.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. You want to see, like, that Chris Farley, like, me likey giant donut.

[Robert Kelly]

Your guy you're dating has bangs coming out of his hat.

[Dan Soder]

I don't. That's why I've never been. I've never been driven as much as, you know, fire away at the jokes that deserve more. Well, Guy Fieri. All the jokes in the world by Guy Fieri. His approach to food stuff is annoying.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

That he had cool guys That. I mean, American dad made fun of it so good. He's going in for the hunch. He has to hunch and eat something. He's going in for a hunch. He's hunching.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

He goes. He's like, the flavors are exploding. Garlic's everywhere.

[Robert Kelly]

He. Yeah, he is a douche.

[Dan Soder]

He's like. He's talking about fucking hot rods or something. Oh, oh, man. You get those flex those flex of sesame.

[Robert Kelly]

My mouth is literally in space right now.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, he's better than that. He just eats and he goes like. It's so good and salty. Yeah, more.

[Robert Kelly]

You see his neck getting red?

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, he turns bright red.

[Robert Kelly]

It turns bright red. You see him dying.

[Dan Soder]

He really feels like when he doesn't complete the challenge that he's letting everyone down.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, because he is.

[Dan Soder]

He's like, I gave it everything I had, man. It was so hot. I like to. For me, it's not the amount stuff I like on the show. It's the, can you take it? Like hot stuff. That's what's always impressive when they get that shit down.

[Robert Kelly]

I had a great show that I wanted to do with another comedian, two other comedians. So it'd be like, me, you, Louis, right? Called Breakfast, lunch and dinner. So we go do our comedy shows, we do tours. But our thing is we have to. You have to find breakfast, I have to find lunch, and he has to find dinner.

[Dan Soder]

Okay?

[Robert Kelly]

So we go to these towns, we walk around the towns. We have to find. We got to find places to go. And then we'll go in, we'll go to the best breakfast place, then we go to the best lunch place, and then we go to the best dinner place. And then we'll go do our shows and then we. We talk about the. We meet all the people and they'll come to our show. Stuff like that.

[Dan Soder]

How about this?

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Dan Soder]

While we're spitballing here.

[Robert Kelly]

I love spitballing. Let's do it. Let me turn toward you.

[Dan Soder]

Hear me out. We take our group of friends, whoever we want, okay? And we have people sit down and eat progressively hot food. Could be chicken wings, could be anything. And to see if. How long they can take it while we interview them, we'll call it Hot Zeros. Come on.

[Robert Kelly]

It's genius.

[Dan Soder]

There's already hot ones.

[Robert Kelly]

I like it.

[Dan Soder]

We're saying Hot Z, like these are hot wings with a couple of fucking nobodies. We're just zero. It's self deprecating. It makes people enjoy it. We get to do. It's the show's already built. We just get to do the exact same thing as they do on Hot Ones. With.

[Robert Kelly]

No, with zeros.

[Dan Soder]

But didn't completely stone. But we say we're a bunch of zeros.

[Robert Kelly]

But isn't that how that show started?

[Dan Soder]

What? Hot Zeros?

[Robert Kelly]

No, Hot Ones.

[Dan Soder]

Right.

[Robert Kelly]

It started with nobodies.

[Dan Soder]

Right. But they were still bold enough to call themselves Hot Ones. Right. We don't do that. Hot Zeros. The hot is the spice.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I do it?

[Dan Soder]

But we're zeros.

[Robert Kelly]

I say we do it with people who have been burned.

[Dan Soder]

Burn victims.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Dan Soder]

All right, now we're thinking outside the box.

[Robert Kelly]

I think we do it with people who've been burned and see how much they can take and see how much they remember.

[Dan Soder]

And it doesn't have to always be face. Right.

[Robert Kelly]

What if it triggers something?

[Dan Soder]

It shouldn't always be face, though. Sometimes it's arms.

[Robert Kelly]

Could be hands.

[Dan Soder]

It could be feet.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

But some part of you has to be Freddy Krueger. Black. Lou, you have an idea? How about Hot Tens, where we only.

[Robert Kelly]

Interview the hottest of hot models and people of the world.

[Dan Soder]

I'm worried that it's been done already. Christine, look up hot Tens. If not, please buy the domain immediately. Great job, Lou. That's spitballing. That's spitball right there. Hot tension we're making.

[Robert Kelly]

How about this?

[Dan Soder]

We make naked sluts eat hot shit. Oh, I hope they don't touch their pussies.

[Robert Kelly]

How about this?

[Dan Soder]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Hot tards.

[Dan Soder]

I mean, another fantastic.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

How about Hot Ten Tards? We get the prettiest retarded people.

[Robert Kelly]

We're in.

[Dan Soder]

No. You think? It's not gonna work out, Lou. Okay, okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Why? It'd be funny.

[Dan Soder]

No, no. He liked it. He liked it. Yeah, he liked it. Yeah, it's. It's mostly just going to be that one. Victoria's Secret models. We found out that as we all found out that AI can fool you to believe that a Down syndrome girl is a complete sexual knockout. And we all fell for that.

[Robert Kelly]

We none of us did. You sucked us into your weird world.

[Dan Soder]

We did feel stupid as. Christine, why are you looking up the 10 most beautiful teenage girls in the world? And why is it already in purple? Why is it clicked already?

[Christine]

Because I click. Look, I googled Hot tens in parentheses. Beautiful people. It auto corrected to hot teens.

[Dan Soder]

But you checked it out anyway.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

The 10 most beautiful teenage girls in the world. You don't want to see.

[Dan Soder]

No, no.

[Robert Kelly]

Not unless they're retarded, because that's Our show.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, I'll be honestly, they're probably retarded anyways. That's how retards laugh.

[Robert Kelly]

That's how. Anyways, we should watch Dan doing a little stand up. I would love to see how he does. I forget.

[Dan Soder]

Pop it on.

[Robert Kelly]

Here we go. Geez, I look like a fat taxi driver.

[Dan Soder]

Wrap up soon.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's the bottom. Fat bottom boys. A flat bottom boys. They're really good. They're huge now.

[Ryan Reynolds]

And I could see them slipping through.

[Robert Kelly]

Almost feel them slipping through the palms of my sweaty hands. This guy's a big.

[Lou]

I move slow.

[Dan Soder]

Just slow enough to make you uncomfortable.

[Robert Kelly]

City. He's an upand comer killed friend. Dan Soda, everybody. Give it up for Dan Soda.

[Dan Soder]

Thank you. Thank you, everybody.

[Ryan Reynolds]

This is a lot. It's good to be on the Robert Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

See the UPS truck. That's another. That's a rival scoff. That's a rival show. Just drove behind us. Go ahead.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Let you guys know about me. I just. Just turned 28. 28. You and your fun friends stop drinking and start having addictions. That's what they call it. Can't get cocked on a Tuesday like you used to. I'm dealing with that now. I'm dealing with things that in my early 20s used to make me cool. Now at 28, make people nervous. Like I used to get drunk.

[Dan Soder]

Turn. This is embarrassing for me. I don't know.

[Robert Kelly]

He's killing. He just. He made two African dudes in suits laugh.

[Dan Soder]

He's doing the best you can do. It's still weird to have five guys on the street.

[Robert Kelly]

Come on, let's let him finish.

[Dan Soder]

All right, let him finish.

[Robert Kelly]

Let him finish.

[Dan Soder]

U haul show.

[Robert Kelly]

But Robert Kelly's U haul show, it does on the stickers.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Like, this guy's awesome. He's hammered before. Intro to Roman lit. Now at 28, if I get drunk before work, everyone's like, hey, are you cool?

[Robert Kelly]

Is everything all right?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, I'm still awesome. No. No, you're not. You're almost homeless. That's what you are. I was the product of a single parent, which obviously means single mom. Because I was raised by a single mom. I had to be alone with my thoughts. I listen to music. I love music because music makes me reflect on my life. First song that ever made me do that.

[Dan Soder]

You did a mean thing to Dan.

[Robert Kelly]

You can see Dan making hair with the back of his hair. Go back to that little. You can see him just pulling stuff from the back and praying it wasn't windy out. I got it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Jackson's man in the Mirror, which is a great song. Problem is, first time I heard that song, I was five years old. It's a weird age to be reflective. Just sitting in the backyard watching the sun go.

[Dan Soder]

The guy with the ponytail, I guess he went. He closed his eyes and just went.

[Robert Kelly]

He's killing.

[Dan Soder]

Sure, Bobby. I'm not upset with Dan. I'm not embarrassed. You put him in this position, Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

This show is going to be a hit.

[Dan Soder]

You didn't do stand up.

[Robert Kelly]

He was on the.

[Dan Soder]

You didn't do stand up because it was.

[Robert Kelly]

I did. I put the star up.

[Dan Soder]

You didn't do stand up.

[Robert Kelly]

Of course I didn't. I actually opened.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, you went out there and you just said the things you had to say. And then you gave all of the fear and danger. You put all the fear and danger on the young Dan Soder, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't do music either, asshole.

[Dan Soder]

Right.

[Robert Kelly]

I was not a musician.

[Dan Soder]

You're a comedian, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm the host of the show.

[Dan Soder]

Right.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm introducing you to the next new big stars on the U haul show.

[Dan Soder]

You didn't even put yourself in a position of possible like fuck up. You didn't say anything funny.

[Robert Kelly]

You're crazy.

[Dan Soder]

You just intro'd.

[Robert Kelly]

You're crazy. I would go out there first. I got the people around, I rallied them up. I did the warm up.

[Dan Soder]

You said those people just stopped.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I stopped them.

[Dan Soder]

Go back on the tape. Why can't we rewind the show?

[Robert Kelly]

There's no tape and there's no rewinding.

[Dan Soder]

The show happens so it I would stop people.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, we're doing a show. Come over.

[Dan Soder]

You said these are the people who just stopped.

[Robert Kelly]

No, they don't just stop. Nobody just stops in fucking New Rochelle or wherever the hell we were.

[Dan Soder]

Then why'd you say it's?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. I say things sometimes to make you happy. So keep the show moving so you fucking don't stop and freak out with your micro corrections.

[Dan Soder]

Okay, now I don't think I freaked out.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you did freak out. You snapping. You want to go back and rewind a show that can't be rewound?

[Dan Soder]

Am I stealing your shining?

[Joe Pesci]

The fuck is wrong with you, you cocksucker. Get your fucking shine, sucker.

[Dan Soder]

Gotta be angry, baby. Motherfucker angry baby. Poor Dan.

[Joe Pesci]

There's a guy, he killed this dude.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't know. One of those guys was the head of NBC development.

[Dan Soder]

Have been walking around New Rochelle and stops for your wacky.

[Robert Kelly]

That black guy in a suit, huh? Head of NBC development after this. That's when he got his name.

[Dan Soder]

Jamil NBC.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, I'm telling you, that's when he got. That's when he got that show with what's his name.

[Lou]

Did you pick up on the guy when Dan says some. Something about 28, you're awesome. And he goes awesome. At the same time, he mimics Dan saying awesome.

[Robert Kelly]

We do an interview at the end. Skip to the interview. I mean. I mean, let's hear him too. Sure, let's hear him. Harry's saying goodbye right now.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You're half a decade old. Can't go to sleep without a nightlight. You don't even know your own goddamn address. My mom walks in the backyard, she's like, dan, what are you doing? What am I doing? What are we doing, Trish?

[Dan Soder]

Huh?

[Ryan Reynolds]

You're renting. Why don't you pull your shit together? All right, thank you guys very much.

[Dan Soder]

Enjoy the rest of the Ronald Kelly Show.

[Robert Kelly]

Robert Kelly Show. What's up, man? Soda, man, you killed it.

[Dan Soder]

You couldn't believe he just came through for you on something you were afraid to do yourself.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm the host. Jay. I know you.

[Dan Soder]

I know this move.

[Robert Kelly]

I know you have a. I know this move. First of all, if I didn't do this then right know this, he probably still would have been here right now. So maybe I up. Is that why you're getting mad?

[Dan Soder]

You gave him a lot. You gave him a lot of self confidence.

[Robert Kelly]

I gave him too much self confidence. I didn't give him so much self. He would be trying to do a. An animation series from his couch right now.

[Dan Soder]

Christine, the interview, please.

[Robert Kelly]

Come on in the back. This is the whole show right here.

[Dan Soder]

Do the people come around and watch the interview?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Parking lot of people.

[Robert Kelly]

We're in the back of a U Haul truck. You're on my show. You're the first comic guest and you killed huge honor.

[Dan Soder]

Did any part of the show or anybody involved think about the. The fact that it was going to sound super hollow and terrible talking to a microphone inside of a U Haul.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you know, we thought that through. We thought that we should. Yeah. No, you asshole. I got a U Haul truck and did a show out of it. Poor Dan Soda was still slinging guacamole at the time. We were just trying to fucking not be scumbags. All right? That clown that actually from Florida. We got that.

[Dan Soder]

I don't mind the clown.

[Robert Kelly]

Of course you don't.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm not gonna lie. I really thought I was gonna eat a big dick.

[Robert Kelly]

How Long you been doing comedy?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Seven years.

[Robert Kelly]

I heard you just quit your day job.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Just quit the. The day job.

[Robert Kelly]

Where did you work?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Was a taco waiter.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you like it?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Hated it.

[Robert Kelly]

Hate it every day.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Hated it every day.

[Robert Kelly]

And now you're done. Comedian.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Professional stand up comedian.

[Robert Kelly]

Now how long?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Probably six months. Cafe season comes back around, see if they're rehiring you believe back on the.

[Robert Kelly]

Six months, he still didn't know he. You know what I mean? He still didn't know how funny he was.

[Christine]

It was a Guinness deal. It must have been 2011 when I.

[Robert Kelly]

Saw him for the first time on W when Derosa brought him to my show and he jumped on. You guys see this kid? Whatever. And he just went into, you know, gator and all that. I was laughing hysterically when he walked out of the house. I told my. I told Don, I go, that kid is awesome. Because Derosa was like, all right with.

[Joe Pesci]

Your voices, you know?

[Robert Kelly]

And I was like, dude, he's fucking great.

[Joe Pesci]

Hey, you do. That's Derosa. This is different. Derosa's like, why J, everybody?

[Dan Soder]

I have so much to learn. The world's full. So many beautiful things.

[Joe Pesci]

You know what, though? Sometimes we gotta end the show.

[Dan Soder]

You Fat Bobby Kelly and Angry baby are gonna be. And Joe Pesci and Dan are all gonna be at the Comedy Zone.

[Joe Pesci]

Yeah, we're all gonna be there. Me, baby. Hey, what's going on? That was baby Dan, Joey.

[Dan Soder]

April 24th through the 26th. Check him out. Comedy Zone, Charlotte, North Carolina. Then Mic Drop Comedy in San Diego, May 9th and 10th for tickets. And all tour dates go to. Punch up that live.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna be at the Mothership this week. Oh, I'm sold out. Forget it. Go ahead. Do you think?

[Dan Soder]

Well, if you were gonna go see Bobby the Mothership, just know you could definitely get into one of my shows. And Bobby special live from the Village Underground. Now streaming on Punch Up Dot Live. You can catch Bobby every Tuesday night, 7pm The Fat Black Pussycat Lounge, the comedy seller. And make sure you check out Bobby's new YouTube channel, YouTube.comobert KellyComedy.

[Joe Pesci]

Listen, guys, this weekend, Big J Okerson, he's gonna be at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival in Austin. Let me tell you something. There's tickets all over the fucking place for this thing. He. He couldn't sell a ticket if he was showing his tits. Listen, go down there and help this cocksucker out. April 17th through the 19th. After that, he's gonna be in Tulsa. We don't know how tickets are there yet. Denver is gonna do great, Long island is gonna do great cuz all those fucking guinea whops love them out there. And then for tickets and all the tour dates go to bigjaycomedy.com them is out now on YouTube at Big J Gokus and then go they is premiering 4:20 which is weed day. Make sure you check that out and.

[Dan Soder]

We will check you guys out. Thank you angry baby.

[Joe Pesci]

You're welcome.

[Dan Soder]

We'll catch you guys Monday. Enjoy your weekends until then.

[Ryan Reynolds]

This is an ad for Roundup for Lawns. It kills weeds down to the root.

[Robert Kelly]

Without harming your lawn. It works on crabgrass, dandelions, clover.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It works on weeds with names you can't even pronounce.

[Robert Kelly]

It's Roundup for Lawns. When used as directed, always read and follow pesticide label directions to realize the future America needs. We understand what's needed from us to face each threat head on. We've earned our place in the fight for our nation's future. We are Marines. We were made for this.