Humble Arms

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: “Humble Arms”
Date: May 19, 2026
Platform: SiriusXM Faction Talk, Ch. 103

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Episode Overview

In this riotous and unfiltered episode, Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, alongside their regular Faction Talk crew, dive into the absurdities of modern life, the comedy industry, dating tales, and the nuances of heroism—with Bobby reflecting on his own “humble” acts of bravery. With their signature mix of sarcasm, honesty, and playful mean-spiritedness, the episode centers on Bobby’s story of saving someone on the street, debates on whether comedians seek recognition for heroics, and a running roast of their friend Ralph’s history with dating porn stars. The conversation ricochets between satirical takes on culture, ethnic pride, identity crises, and therapy — all delivered at classic Bonfire volume.

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Key Segments and Themes

1. Opening Banter and Upcoming Guest Plugs

[01:07–04:36]

• Light jabs and playful teasing about Jacob’s energy and the crew’s collective “funny.”
• Promotion for an upcoming live show, “How to Date a Porn Star,” featuring comedy network friend Ralph and Addison Fouche at Stand Up New York.
  • Robert Kelly: “First of all, money—bury your emotions away. Don’t believe in God, no religion whatsoever, and be into watching her with other dudes.” ([04:47])
• The crew jokes about whether they could actually date a porn star, discussing the emotional and practical requirements for the endeavor.

2. The Legend of Ralph’s Porn Star Dating Resume

[05:06–14:36]

• Christine reads out a list of porn stars and influencers Ralph has allegedly dated or hooked up with, much to the group’s mock disgust.
  • Lou: “He likes a girl who’s somewhere answering to an ethnic fellow who’s willing to cut her if she’s late.” ([06:27])
• The guys ridicule Ralph’s choices, poking at the thin difference between ‘dinner’ and actually ‘dating’ a porn star.
• The Penthouse magazine discussion goes into 2000s porn history, bizarre airbrush techniques, and ridiculous magazine editing.
  • Lou: “They were like, the airbrush darken your skin, pink up your pussy, ...it looks like a scalpel incision.” ([11:21])

3. Bobby’s Latest Tale of Heroism (“Humble Arms” Origin)

[15:12–34:04]

Bobby Kelly’s “Hero” Story

• Bobby shares, with oscillating sincerity and bravado, how he helped save a stranger during a medical emergency on 14th St., NYC.
  • Bobby: “...once you are a hero, I guess something emanates off of you...to where when somebody needs somebody to save somebody, they come to you.” ([17:29])
  • The group corrects his use of “emulate” versus “emanate,” spinning the vocabulary into a running gag.
• Bobby details running to call 911, communicating with first responders, and comforting anxious onlookers.
  • Bobby: “I immediately called 911...I said, there’s a man right now...he might be having a seizure or a heart attack.”
  • Jokes abound about whether he helps only minorities or would help white New Yorkers as well. ([20:04–20:50])
• Bobby describes retreating anonymously after help arrives, likening his exit to a superhero vanishing into the night:
  • Bobby: “And when the ambulance came, I just faded into the darkness.” ([24:09])
  • Lou: “Wherever there is injustice or a seizing Mexican, you will find...Bob, man.” ([24:23])
• Bobby’s account is skewered by the crew for attention-seeking (“You’re waiting for us to pay your respects to you...sitting like a godfather right now.” [42:20]) and for embellishing humble intent (“These are my humble arms.” [42:44]).
• Christine and others are pressed to acknowledge Bobby’s heroics; their less-than-enthusiastic validation becomes a comedic highlight.

The Broader Heroism Debate and Comedic Fallout

• Jay and Lou riff on what it means to be a hero, contrasting Bobby’s “humble” acts with their own willingness (or lack thereof) to intervene in similar situations.
  • Jay: “No, I would have walked, Lou.” ([34:41])
  • Lou: “I would’ve pulled that guy’s wallet out, took the cash and put it in his mouth so he didn’t swallow his tongue...here’s my doctor’s fee.” ([35:10])
• Extended joking about “saving” or “poisoning” people for the sake of hero stories, the lack of praise from loved ones, and why women seem unimpressed by male heroics.

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4. Therapy, “Humble Arms,” and Bobby’s Insecurity

[34:02–47:51]

• The gang teases Bobby for wanting affirmation and wrestling with what it means to be humble.
  • Bobby: “These are my humble arms, moms.” ([42:44])
  • Lou: “You’d like us to come pay tribute to you?” ([42:30])
• Bobby shares he’s working on anger issues in therapy, with the group lampooning possible therapeutic exercises and role-play.
  • Bobby: “He actually gives me a mason jar that you can’t open, and then he starts calling me names and he goes, open it, fucking puss whack.” ([47:04])
• Calls out to his wife Dawnie, pondering whether she’ll “give the credit to God” instead of him for his life-saving act.

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5. Italian-American Pride & “Wise Guy” Show Roast

[48:01–62:34]

• Jacob raises a vexed question about Italian-American pride and cultural excess, referencing experiences on the SiriusXM “Wise Guy” show.
  • Jacob: “What is it about the Italian Americans that took it to a unbelievable dildo proportion?” ([49:38])
• The group riffs on ethnic pride, over-the-top displays (flags, accents), and the similarities/differences between Italians, Puerto Ricans, and Jews.
  • Christine: “Well, I think that Jersey Italians are like Hasidic Jews. It’s like the same.” ([50:55])
• Bobby prank-calls his Italian friend Paul G. to test the “over-the-top Italian” stereotype, confirming tongue-in-cheek analysis with Paul’s own take on his clientele.
• Extended roast of the “Wise Guy” show—its bad segments, lame theme songs, and the comically simple solutions the hosts offered for world events. Running gag: “What the hell happened this week?” jingle and judgment on Italian-American media personalities.
• Further playful racial jokes, especially about Italians, Jews (bread, dreidels), and lines that straddle dark humor and satire.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Bobby Kelly on “date a porn star”:
  “Money. Don’t believe in God. Have no belief in God. No religion whatsoever. Be into watching her with other dudes, basically.” ([04:44])
• On heroism:
  “Wherever there is injustice or a seizing Mexican, you will find...Bob, man.” —Lou, ([24:23])
• Humble Brag/Comedic Self-Awareness:
  “These are my humble arms, moms.” —Bobby Kelly ([42:44])
• Lou’s take on Italian-American pride:
  “This guy you’re talking about...he has Italy on his chest...he has a pie with the word ‘pies’ on it.” ([51:10])
• Jacob on the Wise Guy Show:
  “What is it about the Italian Americans that took it to a unbelievable dildo proportion?” ([49:38])

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Timestamped Highlights

• [01:07–04:36] — Stand Up NY show plug, teasing about types and racially charged dating humor
• [05:06–14:36] — Reading the porn star “dating resume,” roasting Ralph and Penthouse airbrush culture
• [17:29–24:09] — Bobby’s hero story and the words “emulate” vs. “emanate”
• [24:09–34:04] — Superhero jokes, Batman impressions, “fading into the darkness”
• [34:02–47:51] — Humble-brag debate, therapy and anger role-play, lack of female appreciation for male heroics
• [48:01–62:34] — Italian-American pride, Wise Guy Show roast, prank call to Paul G., “what the hell happened this week?” segment parody

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Tone, Style, and Takeaways

• Direct, crass, and rapid-fire with no conversational sacred cows.
• Emphasis on self-deprecation, group ribbing, and exaggerated bravado.
• Willingness to riff improvisationally for extended stretches, pivoting between personal stories, pop culture satire, and ethnic stereotypes for comedic effect.
• Underneath the busting chops: a camaraderie and mutual respect, especially seen in the way they celebrate and roast each other's stories.

For fans of “The Bonfire,” this episode is a prime example of their signature blend of sharp, free-associative humor and blunt honesty—equal parts roast, confession, and high-wire riffing, with Bobby’s quest for humble recognition (and the crew’s refusal to let him have it) at the center of the bonfire.

Transcript

[Bobby Kelly]

When you manage procurement for multiple facilities, every order matters. But when it's for a hospital system, they matter even more.

[Christine]

Grainger gets it and knows there's no

[Bobby Kelly]

time for managing multiple suppliers and no room for shipping delays. That's why Grainger offers millions of products

[Christine]

in fast, dependable delivery, so you can keep your facility stocked, safe and running smoothly. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop

[Bobby Kelly]

by Granger for the ones who get it done.

[Liberty Mutual Spokesperson]

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[Jay]

Hey, everyone. Check out this guy and his bird.

[Christine]

What is this, your first date?

[Liberty Mutual Spokesperson]

Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[Jay]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Liberty Mutual Spokesperson]

Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent.

[Jay]

Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Bobby Kelly]

You just saw Jacob's face.

[Lou]

No, I mean, it'll do.

[Bobby Kelly]

Will do it. That's the face he's making. Is.

[Lou]

Yeah, yeah. No, that's what I do. I speak for Jacob's face.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, where's your. And don't forget this.

[Lou]

Pick up the funny, boys. You're losing Grandpa Jakey.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're watching another video.

[Lou]

Shia laboof's old news.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hate armpit hair on women.

[Lou]

There'll be a naked girl in here later. That'll wake him up.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's gonna wake him up.

[Lou]

She's black, which he hates. He'll get past it.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not him.

[Jay]

She's got a beautiful guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I love black women. I'm into black women again.

[Lou]

Again?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I phase in for a minute. Well, you know, you got a type. It's not racist. It's just. I like blackish racist. Got nervous when I said it.

[Lou]

It's not not a racist.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's. I like blondes. I usually like brunettes, but sometimes I'll get into a little blonde action. Sometimes I'm in kind of always into Spanish.

[Lou]

Yeah, well, they liked you because they thought you were Spanish.

[Bobby Kelly]

Puerto Rican. Yeah, I like the Puerto Rican.

[Lou]

It wasn't. You didn't lean into it and shave your mustache right above your lip, though. You leaned right into it, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I did.

[Lou]

You got yourself a don Flamenco.

[Bobby Kelly]

I should have got a sword.

[Jay]

The ones the actress who's coming in. Is that with a penis? She has a Penis or no.

[Bobby Kelly]

Unfortunately, no. Unfortunately, there is no fun surprise, by the way.

[Lou]

Jacob's been begging for this to be a penis. We covered this already. Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've been in his ear. No, I've been in his ear.

[Lou]

We talked about this over and over again. Addis Fouche, who's coming in later. Great last name was the. She was the not trans. Who came in with the three trans gals to talk about the, I guess, trans town hall they were gonna do. I don't remember exactly what the event was.

[Jay]

She was very attractive.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she's what we called boo in the business.

[Lou]

Oh, no, she's. Addison is.

[Jay]

Oh, my God.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm talking the trans business.

[Lou]

I think her.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm talking to the fun business.

[Lou]

And I gotta say, also, I feel like pictures don't do her much justice, quite honestly. Really much prettier than Ada, but she's. I mean, she looks great in pictures, I'm saying. But I think in person she's very, very, like, alluring.

[Jay]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, we're gonna do a great thing with her today, her and Ralph.

[Lou]

Yeah, we have my old work wife Ralph's coming in. Talk about a little event that him and Addison Fouche, amongst others, are doing this week, I believe tomorrow.

[Christine]

Thursday.

[Lou]

Thursday. So if you guys are in town and want to check that out, it's gonna be. It's called how to date a Porn Star. It's some live event they're doing at

[Christine]

Stand Up New York.

[Lou]

Stand Up New York. Where does that exist now?

[Christine]

552-West-38th.

[Lou]

552-West-38. Where the is that?

[Christine]

Rosewood Theater.

[Jay]

Oh, could you do that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you could.

[Jay]

Hypothetically, I'm saying Data at Pornstock. Yeah. You know, your girlfriend is blasted by a giant.

[Lou]

These are when they get in here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Well, I want to pick your brain,

[Lou]

but we're gonna go through it there. We're gonna talk about the things. All about that stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want you pick the brain when they're in here.

[Lou]

Yeah, but we don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

We didn't take the class.

[Lou]

I could. If you're asking if I could. I could.

[Jay]

Before you take the class, I could

[Lou]

date a porn star. Done with porn.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it how to date a porn star or could you date a porn star?

[Lou]

It's how to. It's gonna be Ralph giving you advice on. I guess so.

[Bobby Kelly]

I give. First of all, money.

[Lou]

Yeah. Bury your emotions away.

[Bobby Kelly]

Money. Don't believe in God.

[Lou]

Have no belief in God.

[Bobby Kelly]

No religion whatsoever.

[Lou]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

And, you know, be into watching her other dudes basically.

[Lou]

Follow the path of Satan.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

No, Corinne Fisher's on the show also. Dante Nero knows how to treat a Natalia star. My old pal.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. What does it say?

[Lou]

Robin Schwab.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you make that up? Is that written? Knows how to treat a bitch.

[Lou]

Who, Dante?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Oh, no, I just said that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I thought that was written. That would be great if it was written.

[Lou]

Dante knows how to straighten a bitch out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dante Nero know how to straight a bitch out?

[Lou]

Yeah. How to fucking date a porn star. Tell her what's what. Slap her fucking mouth.

[Christine]

Email that Lainey sent me to give us some insight. And this is the list of Ralph's

[Lou]

porn stars that he took up with.

[Christine]

Yeah. Oh, no, some say date and some say sex, so I assume date just means dinner.

[Lou]

Courtney Taylor. No idea. Is this all of it?

[Christine]

Let me go up.

[Lou]

Yeah, you gotta go to top

[Bobby Kelly]

real quick before you get into his resume. Does he only date porn stars?

[Lou]

Well, he's an idiot.

[Christine]

Hookers?

[Lou]

No, no, he dates. Well, yeah, he likes. He takes. He swings for the fences of porn stars and stuff like that, you know, and like young, dumb, like Internet chicks. He's not into like human beings who live in a neighborhood.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's not into. He's not into a girl with her own brain. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Lou]

He likes a girl who's somewhere answering to an ethnic fellow who's willing to cut her if she's late.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right, Got it.

[Lou]

And then. But I don't know if he can't get hard if it's not that situation,

[Bobby Kelly]

if he reads or she has to

[Lou]

be able to not speak English very well, College education. Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go to high school.

[Lou]

If she was like, hi, my name's Dr. He runs the other way, Right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Lou]

He's like, you're not gonna eat a girl's While I fall asleep at 9pm in the Caribbean. You have self respect. Courtney Taylor. Penthouse pet of the year 2004. That's pretty funny. Long distance dating plus sex when she was in town. Victoria's drock. Who was one of my least favorite fucking SDR shows ever.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why is that?

[Lou]

Because her and her daughter came in and her daughter was an influencer already. She was cute, dippy as fucking shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's the kind of tomb porn star influencer. Right?

[Lou]

Well, her mother brought her on the show because she's trying to convince her that she should be doing pornography. That's disgusting. And then they were the two dumbest people in the world that we played a game against them. Like do a daughter mother Know each other better than me and Ralph. And then me and Ralph, they're so stupid and just staring blankly that me and Ralph just gave each other the answers out loud. And then the other person would go, so I'm gonna say the answer. I'd go, ralph, it's D. And Ralph goes, I'm gonna say D. And then, like, that's correct. And the girls be like, you guys know each other really good. Like, they were. It was a mother and daughter two generation of retard. I was a. What's the guy that used to be here? He worked with Stern, too.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tim Meadows?

[Lou]

No, the one that shit on the. On the wall.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sabian.

[Lou]

Tim Sabian. He called me a long time ago, before I did this show, to ask me about doing a possible, like, pilot or something with her. That's not her daughter, I don't think.

[Christine]

No, this does not.

[Lou]

That's another time she was there. No, that's another time she was there.

[Bobby Kelly]

She came back.

[Lou]

Yeah, go back to Ralph's list, please. So, anyway, long story short, Victoria Zadrock, who calls herself a doctor, by the way, it was pretty funny. The sister of the second owner of Penthouse magazine. When I Stand doesn't mean anything. It means nothing to us. London Keys. No idea. Porn star sex. They had sex. Jaden Lee sex. And dated steadily for six months. Took her to his wedding. Ooh. Jaden Cole. One night, one Stan sex. Bella Knox. Come on, Ralph. One day. And Ralph turned her down when she asked for sex. Okay, good. That's. The girl. Cuts herself. Do you remember Bella Knox? She was the one that, like, the Duke University student. That was big news because she made porn. Was like, so what? Like what A girl can't. You know, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna become a whatever, doctor and some shit, but right now, I'm putting myself through school by doing this. And then. And then all these girls came out to her thing, like, yeah, stop slut shaming. I mean, Corinne Fisher and Christine Hutchins started a whole podcast based off of it. And then we zoomed in real tight so you could see all over her legs. The self cut harm marks she does to herself. I go, yeah, no, she's fine. No, you guys are right. She's doing the right thing. Bella Knox.

[Christine]

Is that her?

[Lou]

Yeah, yeah, bro. Yeah, that's her. I forget what she looks like, but she was a tiny little thing. Yeah, yeah. Kind of nice puss wrapped around that big fat Dorcas.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, Maybe I was looking at that.

[Lou]

Probably. Laura. Desiree is the One Josh would hook up with. She's very pretty. Direnzia. No idea. They dated. Cheyenne Silver, Penthouse Pet. Dated? Oh, she was a porn star back in the day. Tanya Parker, Kendra Sutherland, Penthouse Pet and porn star. They dated. That's not true.

[Christine]

Well, I think dated means that he took them out and they didn't sleep with him.

[Lou]

It's not really. It's not really a list of anything. She took free dinner. Alana, Love, dated and sex. Oh, Ralph, that girl blew a guide in front of us on the show once.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why are we having this piece of

[Lou]

on the show, Ralph?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I'm kidding.

[Lou]

Well, who will talk about us? I know. Really? It's yelling. I'd be listening to it, going like, hey, good for Ralph. I'm like, oh, you fucking dumb dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

But right now, he's steady with somebody, right?

[Lou]

I don't think so.

[Bobby Kelly]

Exactly.

[Lou]

That girl hasn't been born yet.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah.

[Lou]

Ralph's wife hasn't been born yet.

[Bobby Kelly]

She just had the umbilical cord cut.

[Lou]

No, I'm very excited to have Ralph in his dating habits always gross me out. He knows that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Tanya Parker, the Panels and Rock of Love Bus winner. Oh, Eskimo Bros with fucking Bret Michaels. Tanya, see what Tanya Parker looks like. I'm trying to remember.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a list.

[Lou]

I used to watch that show. Yeah, but it is a very. Like, you're. It's dated. Doesn't mean. That means they went to dinner. She's right.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's nice. She's got a nice one.

[Lou]

The problem with Penthouse, though, man, is they talk about editing, man. They were like the airbrush darken your skin, pink up your pussy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Do you remember they started getting in the piss and the piss would be, like, golden yellow? It was like an unnatural color of piss coming at us. I'm like, oh, my God. What did you just have? Fucking electrolytes.

[Bobby Kelly]

They make the vagina look like where Skittles are made.

[Lou]

Yeah, it's like two. Nothing on it. You know what I mean? It looks like. It looks like a scalpel incision.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's too perfect.

[Lou]

But dated insects and then went on a date. But again, Christine's right. This is a dumb list to send. Because he's like, oh, he went to dinner with him. Like, these girls will say yes to whatever. They don't give a shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. So he said this?

[Christine]

No, Lainey did. Oh, I hope he knows.

[Lou]

I mean, he would talk about all of it, but Alana love, he fucked her. God, Ralph.

[Bobby Kelly]

Try Lonnie love.

[Lou]

I'd Rather fuck Lonnie Love. No, Lana loves cute, but it's. She's also like. I don't know, we just, like, watched her, like, public fuck before. All right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, no, there she is. Oh, my God.

[Christine]

So Ralph's coming in to give advice on how to date porn stars.

[Lou]

If you want to fuck this chick, Ralph's going to tell you how at State of New York.

[Bobby Kelly]

Cold hard cash.

[Lou]

You know, we can make fun of this because it sells itself. Dude, if you're out there and you want to learn how to date a porn star, you'll go to this thing. And by the way, Ralph will tell

[Bobby Kelly]

you you need two guys to do a successful podcast and then start a network, and then you two can get the money to a porn star.

[Lou]

Oh, God.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're paying for all this?

[Lou]

Probably. This whole shindig is probably funded by my skanks dollars.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is all coming out of skanks.

[Lou]

Son of a. God bless him, Alana love.

[Christine]

He's only hating that. So that's good.

[Lou]

What?

[Christine]

No Peyton Sinclair, so that's good.

[Bobby Kelly]

How old is Ralph?

[Lou]

He's got to be like 50, 67 years old.

[Bobby Kelly]

Shut the fucking front door.

[Christine]

He's either born 69 or 70.

[Lou]

He died years ago. And then they put a new brain and they waited for the great storm.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did they take old porn star guys body parts to make him? Is that why he could only date these people?

[Lou]

Yeah, he goes coos. No, it's brains. Coos.

[Bobby Kelly]

I walk.

[Christine]

Coos

[Bobby Kelly]

me.

[Lou]

Ralph love coos.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ralph no Monster.

[Lou]

Ralph hurt porn star.

[Bobby Kelly]

He killed. All these girls are dead.

[Lou]

Ralph dated. Defeated by fire. A lot of love, sex. Escaped with her life. Barely

[Bobby Kelly]

electricity storm saved her life.

[Lou]

Shut him down for a couple hours.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, the only can beat Ralph is with Dracula. Good old Ralphie boy.

[Lou]

Get in here. Ralphie boy. He's gonna be here with Addis Fouche for the second hour of the show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Buddy, today

[Lou]

you had a thing. I sent you a video of a handicapped girl singing while her parents were exploiting her. And you said I sent you on the train before you realized that was hilariously funn funny. And then also, again, extremely tragic, as you will find out on Thursday show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Very tragic. But funny.

[Lou]

Very funny. Until it's very tragic and then it gets funny again. Then we'll bring back the funny towards the end.

[Bobby Kelly]

All you have to do is play that one video.

[Lou]

It's fine. It just snaps you right back. But you were saying it, but you saw it at first and just didn't drink it in. As funny yeah. And you were coming off of a rough thing. You were in therapy today, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

It was in between when I got off the train of therapy and you'd

[Lou]

finally told him what you'd done.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's hard for me to say because I want to be humble. Oh, what? What?

[Lou]

Nothing.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to be. I. I want to be humble. And I mean, I want to look at everybody in here because you know me and I. I know you guys. And this is what we do. We have fun.

[Lou]

Is this story going to be why you're so exhausted right now? Are you emotionally drained from something? I think I'm emotionally drained because outside you were Gonski.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, because I ate too much at the buffet. I can't do good at a buffet. And I ate all that sweet chicken and pork and it was too much. And then I had noodles and my blood sugar.

[Lou]

You gotta do what I do, dude. You gotta grab the little container.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know.

[Lou]

You always grab the big container. Then you feel like you got to fill up every part of it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know. And I can't even eat a lot of it, but I ate all the shitty food and then it me up.

[Lou]

You could do what Christine did. Get a little container and heavily load it up until it falls on the floor. Some of it. And then Asian people roll their eyes at her. At me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ridiculous. She literally.

[Lou]

She's her own person. She ain't represent me.

[Bobby Kelly]

She stuffed all kinds, like seven different foods together and made one dish.

[Lou]

It was crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was mushed up.

[Lou]

It looks like one of those milkshakes, but instead it was like avocado, a piece of sushi, grilled veggies, mashed potatoes and salmon.

[Bobby Kelly]

Half avocado, mashed potatoes. And she got. You got macaroni salad. And you mush it against potatoes.

[Christine]

Yeah, I separated it immediately.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was not good because you mushed it into a small container. Small container. And it made it into a whole thing.

[Lou]

You should have got a big container like Bobby.

[Christine]

Not good.

[Bobby Kelly]

It would have been good separated.

[Jay]

You had a five course. One course meal.

[Lou]

It was. Yeah, it was pretty. It was like astronaut food.

[Bobby Kelly]

Didn't fit in the box. Absolutely did not fit in the box.

[Lou]

It looks like that goes into a weird blender. It comes out in a pill. And he goes that. He goes, I've now gotten all the nutrients of that, of that dish.

[Christine]

It fell because I closed the thing, not because it was piling out of the box.

[Bobby Kelly]

It fell onto the floor.

[Lou]

So what happened, Bobby? I'm sorry.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sorry. Always a jig. It Takes time.

[Lou]

This was terrible. I thought you were saying something embarrassing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Humiliating.

[Lou]

Happened. Humiliating. And instead you're saying. I'm trying to be humble, which means I didn't realize you were coming in to tell us another story of heroics.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't know this, Jay. I. I didn't know this either. That once you are a hero. I guess something emulates off of you. Off of my face, maybe. To where when some. Somebody needs somebody to save somebody, they come to you.

[Lou]

Is emulate the right thing there? It emulates off of you?

[Jay]

I don't believe so.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think it means emanates.

[Lou]

Emanates?

[Jay]

Emanates.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I mean emulate.

[Jay]

I don't think so.

[Lou]

So you're saying it was something that's behaving like you is coming off of

[Bobby Kelly]

you in a roundabout way, but then it glows too.

[Lou]

Well, I'm lost in this puzzle anyway. Heroics.

[Bobby Kelly]

Emulate. Read it, Cristine. Don't just look at it.

[Christine]

To emulate off someone means to admire, imitate and strive to equal or surpass their achievements, skills or quality.

[Lou]

Are you saying this. Let me ask you a question. Are you saying this to prove Bobby right? To let him know that he's right?

[Christine]

No, I'm just saying what it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not. Wow, she's not got it that quick.

[Lou]

She goes, no, no, listen, Bobby, It's. It's exactly the opposite of what you said you meant. It's the wrong word.

[Bobby Kelly]

In fact, so happy that she was jumping into dumb bucket with me

[Lou]

head first.

[Christine]

I was just told to read.

[Bobby Kelly]

And what is it again, Lou?

[Lou]

Emanate.

[Bobby Kelly]

Emanate. Emanate. I was. I guess it emanates off of me. Comes off of me. I was walking to therapy today on 14th street in the rain. And all of a sudden, this Spanish woman. Now they're doing work on the street, so they have, like, a little barrier. So the sidewalk is very close together to the buildings on the left side of 14th street between 6th and 5th. Closer to 5th. And a woman runs up to my face, help me. Help me. I need help. Help me.

[Lou]

Can you please emulate a hero?

[Bobby Kelly]

And of course, because of who I am and what I've been through, I ran with her.

[Lou]

And you're wearing a shirt that says, ask me for help.

[Bobby Kelly]

I am not. I ran over and there was a man on the ground who was. I don't know what was happening. Something was bad. His eyes were rolling back in his head. And it was. I think her daughter or somebody was holding him. And she was like, please help.

[Lou]

Did you tell me you'd only help black people.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that's not true.

[Lou]

Oh, all minorities, all minorities. No whites.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do help whites.

[Lou]

It's not your problem when it's whites though.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not my problem.

[Lou]

You self hating.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you know what? Help yourself. You have enough.

[Lou]

You have health care, you have all that privilege. Help yourself if you're having a street heart attack.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I ran over, of course, and I immediately called 91 1.

[Lou]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

91 1. I got on the phone, I said, there's a man right now.

[Lou]

Nuevo uno, uno. Is that what you have to tell her? She goes, kk nueve uno, uno, dude, Where's a dude button?

[Bobby Kelly]

I immediately hit 911. Now there's people walking by, there's people. Nobody's calling 91 1, nobody's. I called 911 immediately. And I'm on the phone like speed

[Lou]

dial, like a lady. Yes, Bob. You called the Bob phone.

[Bobby Kelly]

And she said, yes, diamond may help. I go, there's an emergency, I need an ambulance between 5th and 6th. And I ran and got the number of the closest building, say less. And. I got the number. I said, I said, I, I, so I said, I said the number that. And I said, the man's on the ground, he needs help. I believe he might be having a seizure or a heart attack. He's still awake, he's still coherent, he's still alive, but I don't know how for long, how long? Much longer. He's going to be, I don't know what's happening with him. They said, sir, I'm going to start compressions. They said, sir, you need to give me the address again. I gave it again. And then I said, you need to send somebody immediately.

[Lou]

Listen to me, time is of the essence.

[Bobby Kelly]

So then she said, I need you to stay on the phone with me. So I'm on the phone next to the guy, the girl is holding him up, and she's like, you know, I need you to stay on the phone. Absolutely. Police are on their way. So I'm like, great, la policia en route. So I say, I, I'm relaying this to her. She's panicking. She's like, please, please. And I'm like, the police are on the way. The ambulance on the way, it's coming now.

[Lou]

Porphy four. You mean.

[Bobby Kelly]

So, so

[Lou]

gracias. Get these chickens off my suit. Goddamn cock fight, Man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it hard to be a hero? So, so I, I'm calming her down. I'm like, you gotta calm down. They're on the way. Everything's gonna be all right. I need you to hold his head up. Hold his head up. Keep his head off the ground. Make sure his legs are. Knees are up. Keep his knees up like, you know, off the ground. And I just make sure he doesn't, you know, if he starts to move, try to hold him back. Hold his arms back and. And hold his head to the side. Now immediately cop shows up when the cop shows up.

[Lou]

I stepped over like, Allen Iverson. Dude, that have been awesome. You're like, mup works on here. A hero's job is never done. I'm not the hero you. I'm not the hero you want. I'm the hero you deserve.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I filled the police officer in with all the information he needs. What's happening? And he's like, all right, thank you, sir. Now, I stood there and I waited for the ambulance to come. I was like, the ambulance is on its way. He's like, great. So then I'm on the phone with the 911 waiting. I'm keep the ladies like, are they coming? Are they? And I'm like, they're on their way. You'll hear the sirens when they come. So I waited, waited and waited. And then when the I heard the sirens coming, I go, they're here. And I just faded into the darkness.

[Lou]

They go, mister, how will we ever find you if we need you again? Wherever there is injustice or a seizing Mexican, you will find. Bob, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

So now I'm standing. I'm standing over there.

[Lou]

Please, are there any spiders there? I have to know. There's no spiders there. Don't with me, Batman out.

[Jay]

Batman, how long between.

[Lou]

What seems to be the problem? Spider? Whoa. A joker, A riddler, perhaps, but who? Oh, how big are it? Oh, there it is. I see it. Isaiah. I can see it, dude. My Batman is dangerously loose.

[Bobby Kelly]

So now I'm standing.

[Jay]

How long till the ambulance came?

[Bobby Kelly]

It was a little bit. It was a little bit. It was a little bit day, and it was not muy bagito. It was a little bit. So I had to. You know, I had to be there for a minute. But then you vanished in the darkness. I vanished.

[Lou]

And then did you then reemerge in a full costume?

[Bobby Kelly]

When I was standing across, I standing across the street. Street now. And this young Asian woman came over to me. She goes, I want to thank you, mister, you hero.

[Lou]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Jay]

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[Christine]

What is this your first date?

[Liberty Mutual Spokesperson]

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[Jay]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Jay]

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[Lou]

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[Lou]

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[Liberty Mutual Spokesperson]

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[Lou]

You're a hero. You know you're a hero. She you try to be humber but yo you could be hero because the Ls before the E in Humble. So I'm with Humbra. Oh, you try to be Humber, but he's a very good hero.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I.

[Lou]

Thank you.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I. She said to me, you're you. What you did was amazing that you caught. You called them so fast. And you were there.

[Lou]

And you were in Chinese.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, she was not. She was Chinese, but she was not speaking in a Chinese accent. She was a young girl, probably a student. And then I was like, all right, great. I'm glad he's okay. And then I. I walked a little further around the corner, and another woman came up to me. She's like, that was. Thank you for doing that. And I was like, it's what I do. And I stuck my hand up in the air.

[Lou]

Bob, man out.

[Bobby Kelly]

I stuck my hand up in the air. I did one finger in the air, and I went, it's what I do.

[Lou]

And did one of those women slide down your body until she was laying and hugging your leg?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

While you pointed up.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I just stood there. And then all of a sudden, the ambulance came up and they could hear the sirens. And when they came up, she looked over that way, and I was gone again.

[Lou]

Oh, my God, dude. Twice vanished into the darkness.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have now. I've saved two lives.

[Lou]

What? This was a full life save.

[Jay]

Well, you don't know if he made it.

[Lou]

Why? Oh, yeah, it's true. You don't know if he made it. And those little China ladies could have just been saying wacky. She. You have no idea what they were saying.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you know, I didn't stay until he.

[Lou]

Godzilla.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't stay until that's.

[Lou]

Which is weird because it's Japanese. They kept saying Godzilla, Mothra, but those are Japanese.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, as a hero, you can't. You can't save everyone.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Are you sure she was Chinese and not Japanese? Did you ask her?

[Bobby Kelly]

I said Asian, right?

[Lou]

But I know I said Chinese and you said, yes, she was Chinese, but you know she was Chinese.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know the difference.

[Lou]

She could have been Japanese.

[Bobby Kelly]

She could have been.

[Lou]

Did she have the fear of Godzilla in her heart?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know. I didn't go,

[Lou]

yo, yo. No. All practical effects. Come on. That was. I've heard worse Godzillas. That's the sound. Damn, bobby, When you impress me, you impress the. Out of me. So, I mean, you never cease to amaze.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why, out of all the people on the street, why about all the people walking by one of the busiest intersections in Manhattan, 14th and 5th?

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do they. Does a woman come up to me and My face.

[Lou]

You must know. You must have help you.

[Bobby Kelly]

And ran to me. Ran to me.

[Jay]

It emulates off of you.

[Bobby Kelly]

It emulates. It emulates. And it also was the other one, Lou. Emanate. Emanates. It emanates also that.

[Lou]

I guess. I guess that one.

[Bobby Kelly]

They're close. They're very close.

[Jay]

They are.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I was debating now because of. I guess this is what I do. This is who God or the universe has chosen me to be. What, A hero? A saver of people? Or being there for people when they need somebody. And this is what I do now. Do I just quietly do it. And just maybe next time I will. Maybe next time I won't tell you guys, but I wanted to tell you guys and the people listening in the bonfire because I want to let them know that you could be a hero too. You, Jay, You, Lou. You.

[Jay]

No, I would have walked, Lou.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't. I looked at you. I. I thought about it before I said it. You could. You could. You could be a hero. If I can be a hero, you can be a hero, Jay.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

No, she came over barking that Chinese at me. I'd be like, I don't know you. I don't know you.

[Jay]

I'd say she was Spanish.

[Lou]

So even weirder, she's Spanish speaking, yelling Chinese at me. I don't trust that those are gypsies.

[Jay]

Immediately, I would have thought it was a hustle and left.

[Lou]

Yeah, without a doubt. I went over and I would have pulled that guy's wallet out, took the cash and put it in his mouth so he didn't swallow his tongue. I go, hey, here's my doctor's fee. And then shove his fucking wallet in his mouth and move on and give him a kick in the gut for good measure at the end. I'll go, oh, hey, what's up? My dad was a nom. I go, okay, I think he's going to be fine. Just keep him on his side. Oh, wait, before I do something real quick, put this cigarette in his mouth.

[Bobby Kelly]

You missed, dude.

[Lou]

You could have the cigarette. Tell me. Can keep cigarette when he wakes up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, out of all the people around, they just, you know, they saw it

[Jay]

and I could have gotten some hero.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thank you, guys. Thank you. Well, what was that?

[Lou]

That was a special needs kid.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank you. It's a black lady singing your praises, dude.

[Lou]

Gotham City is open to everyone. It's not just for the abled. It's not just for the able bodied anymore.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. Yeah, so there you go. I mean, number two. Number two.

[Lou]

Why were you down about that?

[Bobby Kelly]

You felt I wasn't down about it. I was humbled, which is. Can't seem. Damn.

[Lou]

You're not humbled. Humbled, Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Humbled is quiet.

[Lou]

I've never seen you sit back, chest out, more telling a story than you did that story right there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Even when you say those black people, because you're worried that story is going to fall apart when word gets back from Costa Rica. Because you know we have no international connection to find out the validity of that story.

[Bobby Kelly]

That story is 100% true.

[Lou]

Well, you put some good facts in it to make it sound true. You could swim better than an entire black family of athletes. Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I mean, that's not a big.

[Lou]

That's not a big stretch at all. Of course not. No. They don't want to get their hair wet. Then they drown.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Oh, they get the hair wet and it pulls them to the bottom.

[Lou]

It absolutely happens. The hair gets wet. It holds up so much water. And then they fucking go top heavy. Sinking right down to the ground. Yes. Jacob, do you have any thoughts on my science there?

[Jay]

No. I don't know one way or the other.

[Lou]

Oh, you've never seen black people get wet? This kind of. Okay, well, sorry, Prince. We didn't all get to fucking swim without black people.

[Jay]

I've laughed four or five times since it was released. The Ali Sadiq video. While you were explaining to Ali how Bobby was a hero and Bobby had humble arms.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Like this. He was very uncomfortable, you telling his hero story.

[Lou]

Oh, because he wanted to tell more. He had more. I got. Bobby was like, you're leaving out. You're like, you're leaving out that unprovoked. I dove headfirst into the water and then almost saved the father, too.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's more.

[Jay]

He had. Uncomfortable.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like.

[Jay]

I don't.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I don't.

[Jay]

It's not about the recognition.

[Bobby Kelly]

About the recognition.

[Lou]

No, it's not. I felt like you were uncomfortable because, you know, Ollie wasn't going to be impressed because he stopped hearing the story when he heard black people trying to swim.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right.

[Lou]

He was like, that's getting at your lane. And then. You shouldn't have done that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, well, I mean, you're not going

[Lou]

to see black Lou's ass out there in the Costa Rican undercurrent because he's black. And if his hair gets wet. Did you not hear me before? It turns into, like, concrete on their heads.

[Bobby Kelly]

It turns into the stuff inside of pillows.

[Lou]

So dead pants. It's like tasty cake. Cake takes so much milk.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just wanted to. I just, you know, I. I. The next time it happens, which he

[Lou]

probably will, I won't tell you, heroics happen in threes.

[Jay]

Oh, you should, because you want to inspire.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to inspire, but I feel like I've inspired, but I don't.

[Lou]

I feel like you poisoned in a Hispanic guy this morning and then went and helped him. I think you're setting up situations for you to stop.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you think? You think that's me doing?

[Lou]

I think you go, hey, homeless guy, I'll give you $20 to rob this deli. And then you're gonna shoot him in his face and actually gonna shoot him in his chest. And he's gonna go, but you told. And you got to shoot him again before he says that you told him to rock so you could be the hero.

[Bobby Kelly]

How am I the hero? Because he was robbing it.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

And you came in and shot him in the face and saved those people.

[Bobby Kelly]

J. I didn't expect you to understand how heroism works.

[Lou]

Damn right. Damn right. I don't understand it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I. I. And I understand that you don't understand it, and it's okay.

[Jay]

You are. You are different than me for. And. And Jay. Like I said, you, not Jay.

[Lou]

I'm closer to him. I don't know if you heard. Are you out of your mind? Dude, I gave my leftover food to a retarded kid in Raleigh, North Carolina. This guy doesn't listen to a story. I. Thank you. This guy's listening to a story. I say, I don't know if you know this, but at first I was weird with a retarded kid, and then I realized he was. And I made nice with him, and then I paid for him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

His retarded friends.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Lou]

And the adults. Food.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

The non retard heroes understand heroes. The non retards got a little too.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he didn't have to do that. That's above and beyond. Hero.

[Jay]

Bobby didn't humiliate his. The hero. The victim.

[Lou]

No. He poisoned the Chinese guy so he could save his life.

[Bobby Kelly]

He was Spanish.

[Lou]

Yeah. Now you can't tell. I'm just saying, someone having a seizure all looks Chinese.

[Bobby Kelly]

I spin into. I do spin into action.

[Jay]

And I would. I would have walked away thinking, this is a spring.

[Lou]

Into action.

[Bobby Kelly]

I actually spun. I twirled all the way over to the guy.

[Lou]

That's what I say. When you. When you finish the turn, you're in costume.

[Bobby Kelly]

My new coat is.

[Lou]

You're like. You're like the little kid Turns into D. Snider in the Twisted Sister video. Bobby has just guessed that we're not going to take it. I want to rock, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, well, you know, it was. It was. I was just gonna bury it. Keep it in. I didn't even tell my therapist.

[Lou]

You. It was after therapy.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was before therapy.

[Lou]

Now the whole thing's a lie. You said it was between.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, you.

[Lou]

The.

[Bobby Kelly]

When you sent me that thing was in between the little clip of the. This, the.

[Lou]

The girl you're laughing at. The handicap girl.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't laugh at it yet. That's why I didn't look at it. I was between me saving lives, and then I. You had that thing, and I didn't look. And then I had to go to therapy, so I didn't really get a chance to look at it because of the weight of the situation that I was in.

[Lou]

Why didn't you tell your therapist again?

[Bobby Kelly]

He. We had other things to deal with.

[Lou]

He wasn't wondering why you were looking out the window the entire time and saying very few words. I don't know, doc. I got a lot on my plate.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did. I did go.

[Lou]

You look out there, you look out that city, and all you see is a fun metropolis.

[Bobby Kelly]

I see problems need solving and people need saving.

[Lou]

I see wrong need writing.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did go in my therapist to look out the window, and it was a straight shot to the two ambulances in the cop car. And I just shook my head up and down like, he's gonna be all right. I done good anyways, anyways, doc, then

[Lou]

you repelled on the side of the building with your grappling hook to the bobcopter.

[Bobby Kelly]

So there you go, buddy. There you go.

[Lou]

I'm proud of you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you, Jacob.

[Lou]

I'm always very proud of you, Christine.

[Christine]

Very proud.

[Lou]

Yeah, no, you could tell by her voice.

[Bobby Kelly]

So what the fuck is that?

[Lou]

Unimpressed?

[Bobby Kelly]

Why are women never impressed with us? Why?

[Lou]

It might be the way your tail. I don't think she's responding well to you being like, go on, pay me my respects.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did. I absolutely. There's no respect done. A hero doesn't get respect.

[Lou]

You've been sitting with your hands folded in front of you, waiting for us to pay your respects to you. Since you started the story, you're sitting like a godfather right now.

[Bobby Kelly]

I, I, I don't agree with that.

[Lou]

You'd like us to come pay tribute to you?

[Bobby Kelly]

I. Not tribute, but maybe that's your Ali Siddiq. Maybe come over hands Right now.

[Lou]

Oh, you have your Ali Siddiq hands

[Jay]

now your folded arms.

[Lou]

Oh, you got uncomfortable around a black person.

[Bobby Kelly]

These are my. These are my humble arms.

[Jay]

This is your humble arm?

[Bobby Kelly]

These are my humble arms. Moms.

[Lou]

Hey, he's mean, baby. You want me to save your Chinese friend over there?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm just saying that, Christine, you know, look, I believe you when you say it. J. I believe you, Jacob, when you say it. And, Black Lou, I believe you, too. I think you're a great hero. Thank you, buddy. Appreciate that.

[Lou]

That's real. You have to save a white person next, even if it's a girl.

[Bobby Kelly]

DJ Lou, I'm searching for the right words to say, come back to me. Okay, I will. That's a non. That's honest. Because you haven't found him yet, Christine.

[Christine]

So you think Jay's more sincere than me?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I do. I do believe that. Because when I look in Jay's little eyes and his eyebrows go up and his little cute eyes are looking at me. Look at that. Look at that.

[Christine]

Yeah, he's good.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's got a little. What? No. I live. Jay, you. You. You. You believe in me.

[Lou]

I do believe in you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I believe him.

[Lou]

You've had two heroics now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Two heroics? Him, one.

[Lou]

And I have a heroic under my belt. That's the. She's doesn't understand. Christina doesn't spring into action.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

She sees a hungry retard, she just lets him starve.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's crazy.

[Jay]

Jay does not need sunglasses when he plays poker.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Lou]

What.

[Bobby Kelly]

What.

[Lou]

What's that supposed to mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

What does that mean?

[Lou]

I don't even know how to play poker.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, even if he is faking it, even if he's doing it enough to where I believe him.

[Lou]

What am I thinking? That I'm proud of you and your heroics. You're too heroics.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're not. I'm saying that for her. Cause I'm saying that. I'm asking you.

[Lou]

Don't let her stir up if you're

[Bobby Kelly]

proud of me and you. And your. Your tone is just ridiculously off.

[Christine]

No, I am proud of you. I think it's very nice you would stop and help a stranger.

[Lou]

Her tone sucks.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's just off. I mean, I believed it, but then at the end, she did that little head nod.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Where like, she approved her own self.

[Lou]

Yeah. She's like. I think she was like, that ought to do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. That's what she did at the end. She had me until the little nod at the end, like, I did it. That's fine.

[Lou]

Sick.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God damn it.

[Lou]

Sick to my goddamn stomach.

[Bobby Kelly]

Does mean they don't fucking appreciate shit. I mean, even heroism, heroics, they don't appreciate it.

[Lou]

Did you tell dawn yet what you've done?

[Bobby Kelly]

Not yet. I'm going to save it for later. I'm going to wake her up in the middle of the night. Hu.

[Lou]

A good move.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna wake her up like Don,

[Lou]

but like, wake her up like a girl. Like, give her like. Like, give her like a back of the leg punch.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna actually kick her in the back of the hamstring.

[Lou]

Charlie Horser. Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

With my knee.

[Lou]

I have her wake up and I'd be like, sorry, babe, I can't sleep.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

And then tell her. It's like, when's it. While I'm. You go. While I'm sleeping. There could be other ethnics dying out there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not where we live. I'd have to go down like 35 minutes.

[Lou]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a drive.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe if I catch one on the way home with Yonker.

[Lou]

You and the two gay guys in the neighborhood could take the mobile down to the. So you could be a. You could be a power trio.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bear, Bear. Bear, Bear and Bobo. Bear, Bear and Bobo. The heroes. Yeah, it is. I will tell it tonight. I will give her, you know, but she'll probably give me the same attitude as, you know, they expect it. Women expect.

[Lou]

She's not gonna give you the credit. She's gonna do that same old where she gives the credit to God.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Lou]

God put you there. And it's like. No. The fact that I have a lot of unworked out mental problems from my childhood and have to go to this particular doctor is why I was there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.

[Lou]

You gotta deal with a lot of stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

And you're working through your weird fascination with. With guys with tits.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that's. No, that's not. We don't work on that.

[Lou]

And that like, stresses you out.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it doesn't stress me out.

[Lou]

It's your main topic of.

[Bobby Kelly]

That is not the main topic.

[Lou]

And it bums you out that you can't get past that at your advanced age.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't even have to get past. I don't. I'm not in it.

[Lou]

You. You're already walking in with that. So she's just gonna like, you know

[Bobby Kelly]

what we're dealing with, which is funny.

[Lou]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

Anger.

[Lou]

Who?

[Bobby Kelly]

Me and your in therapy. We're dealing with my anger issues.

[Lou]

Yeah. What they just insult you and see if you do anything about it. What are you gonna do? Pussy therapy? He goes, stupid, ugly, lazy, retarded, no good asshole.

[Bobby Kelly]

He actually gives me a mason jar that you can't open. And then he starts calling me names and he goes, open it. Fucking puss. Whack.

[Lou]

Oh, I guess I should get it to a man and not a lady.

[Bobby Kelly]

You'll never be nothing, right? Isn't that what your stepdad told you? You're a piece of shit.

[Lou]

He goes, that's what you have to do when dawn comes charging into your therapy session and you're on one of those X crosses and your doctor's kicking you in the balls. And you're like, no, baby, we're working on my anger. I'm definitely not in the gay humiliation.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's how I do open something that's really hard to open. I just go, I will be somebody. I just. I get all my childhood rage.

[Lou]

Not me. I take a butter knife and I take the back of it and go,

[Bobby Kelly]

you have no rage.

[Lou]

And then it opens. No rage. When it comes to opening jars, there's tricks to all of them.

[Jay]

Can I. I wanted to bring up something. I had the sense of rage in me.

[Lou]

Well, hang on.

[Jay]

Go ahead, please.

[Lou]

As heroes, we'll allow it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Speak, Jacob, real quick.

[Lou]

If you're Jay, this is our hall of justice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's put our invisible shield up. Do you think we should let him talk?

[Lou]

Let him go. Let's see what he has to say. All right, we can listen as two heroes. Let's be honest here. If we have to get into tight spaces, we're gonna need a little Jet Li guy to go through the vents.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's true.

[Lou]

Let's hear his idea.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sure he knows how to pick a lock too. I'm sure he does that as often time.

[Lou]

It's probably just Jew.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, exactly.

[Lou]

Probably has some massage training.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, they always know how to pick locks, don't they?

[Lou]

What's your idea?

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Lou]

Ah, he's asleep. We talk too long.

[Jay]

He took a while.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, as heroes, we agree to hear your.

[Lou]

We agreed as heroes to hear your.

[Bobby Kelly]

We agreed to hear your thoughts.

[Lou]

Your thoughts.

[Jay]

Well, as you know, you have one

[Lou]

minute with the Council of Heroes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, we have a lot of hearing to do.

[Jay]

It's something I've never understood. And you know, of course, that I worked on the Wise Guy show as. As did D.J. lewitsky.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jay]

And I think the thing that triggered me the most about that fucking God awful show is that I Mean, it was terrible. They were terrible. But even when I was in high school, I don't know what it is about Italian Americans. Everyone should take pride in their. Their culture, their background. I think that's a good thing. But what is it about the Italian Americans that took it to a unbelievable dildo proportion? Oh, you know what I'm saying?

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

What the.

[Jay]

You can't compete.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go your mother

[Lou]

talk.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, sorry. I'm working in the anger.

[Lou]

You're a hero mode.

[Jay]

They are.

[Lou]

You got to drop that dumb guinea for a second.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, I apologize.

[Jay]

They were by far the biggest fucking jerk off.

[Bobby Kelly]

This cock sucker. What the fuck is up with MJ Scots? This me ball.

[Lou]

You mean the host of the show?

[Jay]

No, I'm talking about, like, high school now. You couldn't walk. They had the Italian flag on the entire hood of the car. They had the. The Italian flag, license plate, border.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you talking about Puerto Ricans or Italians?

[Jay]

Italians. Italians.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Lou]

Can you find my friend Ed Gentilly on Facebook?

[Bobby Kelly]

Puerto Ricans and Italians.

[Jay]

So close, but they were such shitheads about it. Be proud, but don't annoy the hell out of everyone. And then I thought to myself, this has got to be a. I don't think that you'll grow out at all.

[Bobby Kelly]

So Jews don't do that. Like where, like diamond day across the Stars of David tattoos you'll never forget.

[Jay]

What group do you know that ever took. Rich Voss Heritage pride to that Rich Voss.

[Christine]

He's in Brooklyn.

[Jay]

He's not a ground. No, no, no. We're talking about.

[Bobby Kelly]

Try to go. Try to.

[Jay]

People you interact with.

[Christine]

Well, I think that Jersey Italians are like Hasidic Jews. It's like the same.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, exactly. Why don't you go to the. Why don't you go to the Woodbridge, the mall up there on a weekend and see if you get around? Too easy.

[Lou]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, go by the minivans. Trying to get you off the road.

[Lou]

But I. I think Ed Gentilly. It might be gentile, though, like the way it's spelled. But, like, he was my friend growing up, and he was our. This guy you're talking about. About. And to this day, I promise you, you will see him as we speak right now, whatever age. He is wearing bikini bathing suits, European cup bathing suits. He will. He got super into soccer. Italians, you know, I mean, he has it. He has Italy on his chest. Can I do boot? He's got a pie with the word pies on.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I do. Can I do it? I just want to see. I want to do one thing. I want to do a test right now. I have a very Italian friend of mine, Paul G. And I would like to call him and put it to the test to see if you're right. Jacob, I'm going to tell him.

[Jay]

But before I do that, I want to. I want to.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just want to say that's going to be an. I just want to see if you're right about Italians. Hey, Paul G. How you doing? Hey, Paul, you've said it all. One of the guys on my show, one of the producers, says that Italians. What was it again?

[Jay]

I'm over the top.

[Bobby Kelly]

Over the top. Over the top. Pride. Excessive pride.

[Lou]

Did you tell me he's on the radio?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you guys are on the. You're on the radio. Are you okay with that?

[Lou]

Oh, my God.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Okay, well, he said you guys Italians are over the top. Too much pride. You're all a bunch of goomba. Loud gindaloon is the word I would use. I'm with you on that. But there's different degrees of Italian. Yeah, different degrees. What about you?

[Lou]

I'm American.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know that. I'm. I'm Italian descent, but I'm American. Well, he said Italian. All Italians suck. What do you feel about that? Well, let me tell. Let's just put it this way. Without saying anything, I own an Italian restaurant. And when Italians come to book parties, I hide in the office so I

[Lou]

don't have to talk.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right. Thank you, Paul. I appreciate you, buddy. I'll call you later. Bye.

[Jay]

I like him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Apparently Jacob's on or something.

[Jay]

No, but this is my point. So years later, I'm so. It's been years since I'm in high school. I'm on the Wise Guy show. I get stuck with the show. I didn't even know what it was. Yeah, I meet them and I'm. This, the older. This is 40 or 50 years later. It's still in them. Yeah, it never leaves a jerk off. Pride.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at the way he answered the phone. Babo ho.

[Jay]

Exactly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but he.

[Jay]

One of the guys, Cha Cha died. And I. I believe. And I remember thinking to myself, that, like that jerk off Italian pride you have inside, you take it with you.

[Lou]

You.

[Jay]

It goes through. You can go your entire life.

[Bobby Kelly]

You think it's in heaven right now going, hey, St. Peter, like Ghost, like, that's their. I'm gonna steal these gates. They go.

[Jay]

It doesn't fascinate you that you can act like a child like that?

[Bobby Kelly]

I like. I actually like. I've been around Italians I worked in an Italian restaurant. A lot of mob guys. A lot of Italian guys. To me, I have an affinity for it because I love them. But, yes, I agree with you. There's some of them that take it way too far. This is what I hate. When they're not even. They don't even know how to speak Italian. But when they order something, they say it in an Italian. Like, give me the pasta bagioli. Like, if you. If you. If he. If his answer machine picks up, it goes, is Paul G. From Casaletos. It bothers me.

[Jay]

Yes, it should.

[Bobby Kelly]

So much.

[Jay]

That's like the people Italian new. The Spanish newscasters that drop in the. The super Spanish way to pronounce their last name.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jay]

But I think the word we're all looking for is taxing. Yeah, they're taxing.

[Bobby Kelly]

They can be taxing. I find them very fun and interesting characters, but they can be taxing. Yes, I agree with you.

[Jay]

Taxing is the word.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. They're a little over the top and a little. They believe in the. They watch too many movies.

[Lou]

Yes. They all think they're fucking connected. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, they're all good.

[Jay]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

They're like. They're like black people.

[Lou]

Never a made guy, but, you know.

[Jay]

But they watch Goodfellas. So they're connected.

[Lou]

Yeah, they're connected, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. It's like black people. They're all cousins. Can I say that's a weird thing too, right, Lou? Black me up.

[Jay]

I remembered.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. That's my cousin. No, it's not. I get it, but it's not exactly.

[Jay]

You're right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

I remembered, by the way, one of my favorite wise guy moments.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

I have to sing. It goes, what the hell happened this week? Week. What the hell happened this week? Now, you may be asking yourself right now, what is he talking about? That was a segment on the show called what the Hell Happened this Week.

[Lou]

I was gonna get. You should let us guess what the segment was called.

[Jay]

Well, I beat you to it. I should have. And what they did was they covered current events. That was the current events thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll put my invisible shield up. I don't think he knows it with the. Doing a. Like a comedy show.

[Lou]

Sometimes you say that because he sang. He sang twice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

What the hell's going on this week?

[Jay]

It's what the hell happened?

[Lou]

What the hell happened this week? He sang it twice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can he hear through this?

[Lou]

I don't think so.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Lou]

But he said that. And then he goes. And the segment was called what the Hell happened? This week.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

And I said, dude, you should let us guess the title. You're right, because he just sang it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I just sang it.

[Lou]

And I was. It was funnier if he went for himself. He would been like, now this is a segment called whose dog is this? That would have been funny. Because it's not.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not.

[Lou]

What the hell happened this week?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it would have been funny.

[Lou]

It's a theme song is what help this week. But that's not the title of the segment. Hold your hand up.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can hear what the. Oh, my God.

[Lou]

Did he see my face the whole time?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, he. Just for a second. Okay. All right, bring it down.

[Lou]

Hey.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, what's up, dude?

[Jay]

Hey. Well, it was the. The current events. The. Like when they were doing dumb. With their dumb Italian talk.

[Lou]

Of course. Yeah.

[Jay]

They would what? The current events was that dog. Okay. One of the ones I will never forget. This is one that they start that segment to go, so what the hell happened? The jingle would play and then he would go, so what the hell happened this week? And then they would tackle the biggest world events. You know what you went. And they would solve it with their Italian philosophy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

You know what you do with these fucking terrorists? I'll tell you what you do. You take them in the back of the shed and bada bing. You put two in the back of their brain. Oh, you fucking shitheads. And this was. That's how they solved everything with Italian.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, what's that first Italianness.

[Lou]

They figured out a couple. They figured a couple of things, though. Let's do agree right now. This show here.

[Jay]

That's it.

[Lou]

This show could really benefit from some sausage and peppers on the table. Yeah. If we had a nice spread. Spread.

[Bobby Kelly]

We had a nice spread. We'd be. Our energy would be up. We wouldn't have to eat that food next door from the.

[Lou]

Yeah, we're over at a deli eating. Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Muggle gigaka.

[Lou]

Yeah. Bobby's over there looking for his next victim slash person.

[Jay]

He saves this Obama.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh.

[Jay]

Oh, this is it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, hey. Oh, hey.

[Lou]

That sounds like a. It sounds like an exercise in speech. He's taking a brown boy, bought a bag of barabana to the butt of high school.

[Jay]

He has a pie in his mouth. Yeah, an entire pizza pie.

[Lou]

I understand, but it's folded so he could talk.

[Jay]

Cha Cha had a. What's the word I'm looking for? Whenever he heard, he had a Pavlovian reaction to the word Obama.

[Lou]

Oh, really?

[Bobby Kelly]

What was it? It.

[Lou]

What does that mean?

[Jay]

I Can't really say the word Obama.

[Lou]

Oh, why?

[Jay]

Because of the amount of times I hit the dump button. Because he had the. This, this reaction to the word Obama.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, let's guess, let's guess.

[Jay]

Guess.

[Lou]

He went over and pushed a button with his nose and chicken came out. Because the Pavlov, the dog was. Bobby, can I get you over here again?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, what's up?

[Lou]

Pavlov's experiment, because it was. They did the thing and then he would go over and push the button.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought it was great.

[Lou]

And the food would come out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Food would come out. Because it was. Yeah.

[Lou]

So when he says Pavlovian response, you

[Bobby Kelly]

thought that it would be. It's funny.

[Lou]

It'd be funny. If Pavlov, he heard Obama, he would just, like a Manchurian Candidate, just get up from whatever he's doing and go push a button. Chicken come out. Now. I threw in like that was for the black thing. And it was low hanging fruit for sure. I saw black Lou over the shoulder give a little like, you could have done better.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he could have done better.

[Lou]

But I didn't have time to think. I was moving quick.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're doing good.

[Lou]

We work on the fly.

[Bobby Kelly]

We work on the fly. It's all live. We're live.

[Lou]

Everything's live. Can't make mistakes.

[Bobby Kelly]

He doesn't get that.

[Lou]

I don't think he gets it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't think. Okay. Hey, what's up? How you doing?

[Lou]

Hey, bud.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, bud. What's happening?

[Lou]

Hey, chief.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, I'm back.

[Lou]

He said. He said, I'm back.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's back. Wow. Do you listen? Well, I'm back.

[Jay]

Terrorists.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, Obama. That Pavlovian dog.

[Lou]

Pavlovian

[Jay]

show, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Anyway, he's going to do the same thing in 10 years. When we're done doing this.

[Jay]

What was next, Grown men.

[Lou]

What was first Foxhole or that?

[Jay]

That was first foxhole.

[Lou]

Got.

[Jay]

I can't. It came afterward.

[Bobby Kelly]

So what was worse? Foxhole of that?

[Jay]

No.

[Lou]

Depends if he did fox. If he did foxhole first, he would have really enjoyed that goodfellas show more.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

You both did it.

[Lou]

Vauxhall.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, goodfellas the wise.

[Lou]

I did it one time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, one time. Time. And they kept going, this guy's talking. I was. I was joking around going, what the. Kind of. What the. You guys busting my balls? They go, what are you doing? Joe Pesci? You think that's fun? They got offended that they thought I was doing jokes. They were like, that's a friend of ours. Go yourself.

[Lou]

Vincent Pastori's. Face looks like a drawing of a hamburger.

[Bobby Kelly]

It does. He does like the bejewel.

[Lou]

Like, it's like everything's like a layer. It's like a layer of lips and then a layer of nose and for like everything just lays across it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Jay, let me rub you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, let me tell you something. Hey, you get my cookbook? I left it for you on the table. I signed. I'm not going to hand it to you directly because I don't do that.

[Lou]

You as a mo young rub in your daughter.

[Jay]

They had a jingle open for every segment.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, let me.

[Lou]

Let me question what you all them. I can barely talk cuz their own fat necks are squeezing their voice boxes. I need more cream.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, where's the.

[Lou]

Pasta going to get any better cream in this bowl?

[Bobby Kelly]

This drink over here keeps eating salad. We got the york and we get the science. I don't trust the guy.

[Lou]

Then what are you for nook?

[Jay]

You eat.

[Lou]

You see where your friends you. You break bread.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, he's worse than that. He's one of those, you know, those dreidel spinners. You know what I'm saying?

[Lou]

Oh, Christ. With the flat bread and the thing he doesn't believe I like my bread. It's got to be able to sop up the goop. We gotta take a commercial. Bobby Kelly, you know our punch up that live. Robert Kelly, BigJ comedy.com.

[Liberty Mutual Spokesperson]

And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[Jay]

Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird.

[Christine]

What is this, your first date?

[Liberty Mutual Spokesperson]

Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[Jay]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Liberty Mutual Spokesperson]

Anyways, get a [e-mail] or with your local agent.

[Bobby Kelly]

This show is sponsored by Better Help. Everybody has stuff that they're keeping inside. You have these things that are weighing you down. They're giving you anxiety and, you know, waking up. Listen, I've woken up in the middle of the night and just sat there and thought. And it's the worst thing you can do. You need to talk to somebody. You need to get the thoughts in your head and the things that stick in your chest out. And the best way to do that is therapy. And that's how I do it. And I've been doing it for a long time, and it's changed my life. If you've been feeling overwhelmed, stuck, anxious or unsure. That's okay. Those feelings are more common than we think. May is Mental Health Awareness Month. A good reminder you don't have to go through those feelings alone. Having someone with you to listen, to understand and to support you can make all the difference. Whatever is keeping you up at night, Therapy with Better Health can help you check in with yourself and gain support from experienced professionals. BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform. Just take a short questionnaire to identify your needs and Preferences and BetterHelp will handle the initial therapist matching work for you. It's so easy. Feel confident knowing. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US you don't have to be on this journey alone. Alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com bonfire that's better. H E-L-P.com bonfire.