Hummus & Chicken Fingers

Summary

The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: "Hummus & Chicken Fingers"

Date: February 3, 2026
Podcast Host: SiriusXM | Faction Talk, Channel 103

---

Episode Overview

In this lively episode, Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, joined by producers and friends, bring their trademark blunt humor to an unfiltered conversation about the chaos of winter travel, comedy road gigs, why Arby's divides the world, and rubbing elbows with pro athletes. Through tales of snowstorms, marathon drives, green room shenanigans, and sound effect battles, the hosts riff on the realities of their comedian lifestyles—with plenty of roasting and camaraderie.

---

Key Topics & Discussion Points

1. Home Lives & Working Remotely

(00:42 – 04:39)

• Jay and Bobby debate the joys and guilt of working from home compared to the ritual of commuting to a studio.

  • Jay: “There’s something about…driving all the way in, park the car, walk over, go up in the elevator…it makes me feel like I’m doing work.” (01:27)
  • Bobby relishes being snowed in if you have snacks and banana bread; Jay counters with frazzled mornings and household chaos.

• Snow removal woes: Jay has researched installing a heated driveway, while Bobby recounts the battery drama with a snowblower and Christine’s shoveling efforts.

---

2. Epic Travel Fail: Bobby’s 18-Hour Drive

(04:56 – 15:17; 28:59–33:32)

• Bobby narrates his ordeal: driving 18 straight hours from Chicago to NYC because of canceled flights, braving snowstorms and slow traffic, with barely any pee breaks, and his performance companion Dylan glued to his phone over personal issues.

  • “What ended up being 18 hours straight yesterday with two pee breaks.” – Bobby (02:50)
  • “As soon as we get in the car, it’s like a thing that’s going to be his thing all day.” – Bobby on his co-driver (10:09)

• Entertainment for the road: Bobby cycles through standup specials, Howard Stern, and Ron & Fez. He jokes about walking Dylan through every one of his own comedy specials, “joke by joke…a little story behind each one.” (11:01)

• Truck stop temptations and supplies: lumbar pillows, doodads, enduring cold, and Arby’s as the only late-night food option.

---

3. Arby's vs. Real Roast Beef: A Culinary Throwdown

(15:17 – 22:18)

• The hosts enter a heated—and hilarious—debate over the merits (or horrors) of Arby’s roast beef after Bobby’s road meal. Jay is adamant:

  • “Arby’s is garbage…It’s like, you know like Applebee’s steak. It’s steak technically, but…” (16:18)
  • Jay claims Arby’s uses “hydrated roast beef…they wet it and then recook it. It’s gross.” (16:27)
  • Bobby defends: “Whatever it’s made of, dude, they’re roasting it for over three hours, buddy.” (19:14)
  • Christine and Melissa point out Arby’s is in the same tier as other fast food, not the Boston-area icons Jay and Bobby name drop (Mike’s, Kelly’s, Denick’s in Philly).

• Christine looks up the Arby's “basting broth” method, and the crew watches a video, recoiling at the visuals.

---

4. Sound Effect Battles & Remote Studio Follies

(21:14 – 23:02)

• Laughter as Bobby and Melissa duel over DJ horns and applause sounds. Fart noises (mostly inaudible to others) become a running gag.
• Technical mishaps with missing sound effects over Zoom lead to joking frustration and more impersonations.

---

5. Green Room & Arena Comedy: Madison Square Garden Stories

(44:23 – 51:16)

• Jay and the crew praise Bobby’s performance at Madison Square Garden opening for Shane Gillis, describing the thrill of playing a packed arena.

  • Jacob: “Such a pleasure…Seeing you…and the entire arena…just came out and murdered.” (44:36)
  • Bobby humbly avoids boasting on social media because “it’s not my show,” but is proud to share the moment.

• They detail the “simple” green room snacks—hummus and chicken fingers—enjoyed during NYC arena gigs.

  • “Shane’s rider is so…it’s the same everywhere: hummus, chicken fingers.” – Bobby (56:03)

---

6. Awkwardness Among Athletes and Celebrities

(51:16 – 55:00)

• Bobby gets nervous interacting with pro athletes, joking, “You are so millions of miles away, as am I, from professional athletics.” (51:34)
• Jay confesses to favoring athlete’s uncles and high school coaches in green rooms, then realizing he spent ages talking to a non-celebrity.
  • “Wound up talking to somebody’s uncle thinking there’s somebody for 20 minutes…” (50:29)
• Quick bit: Jay on the physical difference between himself and elite athletes: “There’s such a physical difference between an athlete and me…” (52:09)

---

7. Soundbites & Banter: Waking Up, Producer Life, and Friendship

• Bobby and Jay riff on being woken up by their wives with “business tone” anxiety, wishing for warmer energy:
  • “It’s a business decision that has to be made or we’re gonna lose the account.” – Jay (39:53)
• Reminiscences about old apartments and uninvited parties, snack platters, and comedian houseguests.
• The episode is peppered with playful put-downs, fake news segments, and Bobby’s attempts to start a “morning zoo” with sound effects.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On roast beef rivalry:
  "Arby’s is hydrated roast beef. It’s like they wet it and recook it. It’s gross." – Big Jay (16:27) "Dude, they’re roasting it for over three hours, buddy." – Robert Kelly (19:14)

• On the travel odyssey:
  "Eighteen hours straight yesterday with two pee breaks." – Robert Kelly (02:50)

• On comic bonds:
  "Joke by joke. And I explained him like a little…story behind each one." – Robert Kelly, about narrating his stand-up to Dylan (11:01)

• On home studio guilt:
  "This makes me feel guilty…like, you know, I’m not working." – Big Jay (01:47)

• On being out of place around athletes:
  "I don’t know why I get nervous around sports guys... There’s such a physical difference between an athlete and me." – Big Jay (51:16, 52:09)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:42 | Launch: Working from home; snow day rituals | | 02:50 | Bobby’s 18-hour drive home saga begins | | 09:47 | Road trip: Dylan’s distracted co-piloting | | 11:00 | Bobby walks Dylan through his specials; road-trip entertainment | | 13:39 | Truck stops, snacks, and Arby’s gatekeeping | | 15:17 | The Great Arby’s Roast Beef Debate | | 21:14 | Sound effect battles and remote tech woes | | 28:59 | Bobby’s return to NYC—rental chaos and LaGuardia gripes | | 44:32 | Jay and Jacob honor Bobby’s MSG set | | 46:10 | Awkward elevator exchanges with Eagles’ Cooper DeJean | | 49:23 | Bobby “sandbags” his daughter meeting an athlete | | 51:16 | Athletic awe; green room star spotting intimidation | | 56:01 | Simple pleasures: Shane Gillis’s hummus-and-chicken-fingers rider| | 57:03 | Shoutouts to comics and upcoming gigs |

---

Overall Tone & Takeaways

“The Bonfire” lives up to its name: a blend of warmth, sarcasm, and untamed storytelling. Whether riffing on home life, the grind of road gigs, food snobbery, or the oddity of meeting sports legends, Jay and Bobby’s dynamic is fast, self-effacing, and built on years of comedy camaraderie. They share the miserable and the memorable in equal measure, proving that for working comics, laughter (and maybe banana bread, chicken fingers, and a great fart sound) is the best way through winter.

---

Transcript

[Announcer]

Avoiding your unfinished home projects because you're not sure where to start. Thumbtack knows homes, so you don't have to. Don't know the difference between matte paint, finish and satin or what that clunking sound from your dryer is. With thumbtack, you don't have to be a home pro. You just have to hire one. You can hire top rated pros, see price estimates and read reviews all on the app. Download today.

[Sponsor Voice]

She loves it hot, he loves it cold. However you sleep, the pod by eight sleep adapts to you. Personalized temperatures keep you in deep sleep longer, so you wake up refreshed. Learn [e-mail].

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And now the bonfire with Big J. Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I get it. We're home, right?

[Producer Melissa]

Right.

[Robert Kelly]

I think I get it now.

[Producer Melissa]

No, actually, because of your travels is really what I was thinking of.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah. What a nightmare. My body's still not all right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's up? Hi, Jay.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, Bobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is. This is dangerous.

[Robert Kelly]

Why?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Coming from my bed to another room, this is the. This is. It's like what Mike Calder did during the pandemic. Now he just wakes up in crocs and basketball shorts and walks down a flight of stairs and goes to a studio.

[Robert Kelly]

You like it? I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know what? I. I liked it. I like it. I do like it. But I. There's something about. I feel like when I get in my car at 3, 3:15, drive all the way in, park the car, walk over, go up in the elevator, it feel. Makes me feel like I'm doing work. I don't feel guilty. Like, this makes me feel guilty.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like, you know, I'm not working.

[Robert Kelly]

But have you had a good day at home?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've had a. Dude, let me tell you something. When it snows, when you have a house and being just stuck in your house.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is such a great feeling.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I don't know if you have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Enough food and you have enough snacks and your wife knows how to make banana bread out of old bananas. I mean, just lying on the couch, watching stupid tv, taking naps, eating food, going back to. To bed. Oh, it's like from school.

[Robert Kelly]

We have different home lives, you and I. I was frazzled. Awake.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Told that everyone's willing to go into work if we want to go into the studio today. And everybody and Lou and Jacob are already going. So I had to deal with, like, immediately. My first half hour was waking up and figuring out I drove, by the way. Oh, sorry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Context.

[Robert Kelly]

FYI, I drove. What ended up being 18 hours straight yesterday with two pee breaks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's nuts. It's nuts.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah, it was nuts. But I wouldn't. My flight today would have been canceled also.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you would have been stuck in Chicago, which is colder than Antarctica.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. We got to go in tomorrow, though, to make it make sense, or I should have just stayed in Chicago. Yeah. I still have to go do skanks tonight.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, God.

[Robert Kelly]

I have to go and do skanks tonight still. But. Yeah, so I woke up. I guess we figured out we weren't going in the studio. And then the rest of the day was poorly snow blowing and shoveling when the snowblower didn't work. Batteries die.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You bad. Do you have two batteries?

[Robert Kelly]

Three batteries.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You have three batteries, and it died. Oh, because Christine. Did you shovel at all, Christine?

[Christine]

Yes, I shoveled.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, okay.

[Christine]

I did the stairs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jay, you know what you got to get. And I've been doing research for you because you have a nice driveway, but.

[Robert Kelly]

It'S not a better slave than Christine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, a better slave than Christine. You have to get two more slaves.

[Robert Kelly]

You.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You have to. Just when you get the cash. I know. You just spent a lot. Heated driveway.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You go in your garage, you flick a switch, and then that's it. And your driveway is dry. And your driveway is. You don't ever have to shovel again.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you have this?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I can't get it because my driveway is long. I have a long driveway. It would cost.

[Robert Kelly]

Why did you just sell that so hard?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, because you have the perfect sound.

[Robert Kelly]

Like you were sitting in the lap of luxury watching it happen as we speak.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You have a. You have the driveway. That can do it. But I've done a lot of research on it, because I was thinking about it, but they would have to rip up all my blacktop, and my driveway is huge. It's so long. You have a nice. You have a fat, short driveway.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but it's all that brick. You can't do it with the brick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it's easier with the brick. You pull the brick up, and you just put the brick back down, kid.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that all?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you pick the brick up, they put the heated thing underneath, and then you. They put some stuff in between the brick, and you flick a switch. The snow. Oh, snow's coming. Flip. That's it. And then you drive.

[Robert Kelly]

Saying things.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you mean? I'm just saying things. That's what this show's about. You say things.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, but I mean, like, doing. But he's saying it so Factually, I'm pretty sure they don't just lift my bricks and put the thing and then slap the thing and then the in between thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right. Now listen, I didn't see black blue's.

[Robert Kelly]

Face while you were saying it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I always see black loose face while I'm saying stuff. It's the same face all the time.

[Robert Kelly]

W Dabbley.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I'm telling you, I'm telling you right now. It's.

[Robert Kelly]

How was your weekend? Fantastic.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not that I'll pay for it. I'm, I'm going to buy for it. If the Eagles go to the super bowl next year, I'll, I'll pay for your driveway.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah, well, don't worry about that. Oh, yeah. You're also feeling good. Hey. Oh, I know. That drove me nuts, too. Bobby was outside, wasn't even watching when his team went to the Super Bowl. Just doing something else.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Wasn't even paying attention to the game. I know that because I, I called to inform him that they were going to the Super Bowl. It turns out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Here's the thing. This is what, you know, I told you last week I came clean on how I watch the game.

[Robert Kelly]

Fans fan.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm a fan fan. But the way I watch the game is I, I watch it on YouTube TV and when it gets too intense, I pause it and I go do things and then I come back and I watch it slowly. That way it's just better for my anxiety. I watch it slowly. So I, I. At the end of the game, it was very.

[Robert Kelly]

Your anxiety. What? You have zero emotional investment in this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nobody. When we're, when we're going, when we're. You don't know me a fan fan. When you, towards the end of the season, fan fans get very emotionally invested on the team. You understand, right? Yeah, right, right.

[Robert Kelly]

I do understand.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When you have something to lose.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, wait, was that, was that we did when they found out they won? Yeah. Let's go, pets.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, Melissa. That's what I did.

[Robert Kelly]

Can you name, at this point, can you name four players on the Patriots current players?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you mean name four players? Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Don't type anything. Stop typing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not typing.

[Robert Kelly]

Stop typing. I'm watching you. First of all, you have to look at the bottom of your b focals. I saw what you did. You lift your head up so you can look for your bifocals.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What are you talking about?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not accepting your answer now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why, why you saying my answer, dude? Well, first you're even talking.

[Robert Kelly]

You're even talking. Like, the talk. You talk while you're looking for something. You go, I won't even look at my screen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm closing my eyes.

[Robert Kelly]

Drake, you're not closing your eyes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay?

[Christine]

I don't know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I can't. I can't. You know what I mean? Ask me tomorrow. Ask me tomorrow when you. I'm in studio.

[Robert Kelly]

What a born Che.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Listen, you did do.

[Jacob]

I felt them leaving the look when you go like this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was trying to.

[Jacob]

You're really having to focus on the screen.

[Robert Kelly]

I. I had a nice. It was hilarious. So I was in Chicago this week and you were in Sarasota.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, no, I was only in Poughkeepsie, man. I was 48 minutes away from my house.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, right, right, right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

One show Friday.

[Jacob]

Nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I think I have four showers this weekend. No, I had three shows on Saturday this week. I started comedy at 3. 3pm on Saturday.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Was it sold out?

[Robert Kelly]

It was close, yeah. But the. The other ones were. But, yeah, Friday. So I did two Friday, three Saturday. They canceled my flight Saturday afternoon. They had already canceled it. I know they're going to keep canceling flights. O'. Hare. Of course, I was in the worst place for this kind of thing. So I just rented a car and me and Dylan drove back, which seemed, you know, I'm like, that'll be all right. Mapping it. It's 12 hours. You know, we could probably make it in 12 hours if you'd be able to go a little faster. You know, sometimes, minimal breaks. Dylan's good to not take breaks and muscle through with me. Then what happened was the weather there, which was not supposed to be the case, started getting bad immediately. So we were never driving anywhere, even approaching the speed limit. And the second we got in the car, Dylan had to start dealing with some personal issues he had at home. And he was in his phone for the entire 18 hours.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, shit. Oh, God. I would have rather been in the car with my Aunt Peggy.

[Robert Kelly]

And I said, I'm up. You know, it's. Obviously, you had to deal with something, but, like, it's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you gotta listen to it.

[Robert Kelly]

So, you know. No, no, no. All text.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, he's a. Oh, he's. I forgot. He's a young kid. They all text.

[Robert Kelly]

They touch 100 text.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They go through text. They problem text.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it was like a real thing you had to deal with. I'm not like, I had no issue with doing over it. It was just. That was the luck of the draw. As soon as we get in the car, it's like a thing that's going to be his thing all day.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh Jesus Christ. So you didn't have anybody to just go into crazy mode, talk mode, go through the millions.

[Robert Kelly]

And I listened to like four stand ups, three stand up specials. Who hours of Howard Stern, some old Ron and Fez.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Whose stand up special did you listen to? Kill Box?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I did Todd Glass.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's a good one. Then you did Just a Tip by Bob Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

I did a Tony Roberts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tony Roberts is good. Then you went right to live from the Village Underground.

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby K. No, we did. Oh I systematically walked him through all my specials.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh that's cool.

[Robert Kelly]

Joke by joke. And I explained him like a little like you know, a little story behind each one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh that's fun. Behind the scenes with Big Jokerson. But then right after that you went to Robert Kelly live from Houston. Laugh. Stop.

[Robert Kelly]

Now then we had a. We called it. We called it an hour of silence where it was just deafening silence. Completely just the sound of the windshield wipers. Oh, it was a treacherous drive. Crazy. How long? That's 18 hours. I didn't see that coming.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, did you even consider that you're going to be driving through the storm?

[Robert Kelly]

No. I mean I sort of. Yes, sort of.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why would you?

[Robert Kelly]

But when I looked at the trace of the storm like how it was going like it. Everything's going like it's going to be everything these places like 4 inches again. We grew up Bobby. I know you have to remember this in Boston snow. Snowstorms were like 26 inches and shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Was before we ruined the planet.

[Robert Kelly]

I guess that maybe it's what it is and everyone's just used to now it not being like that because I feel like the way everything shuts down now for this my problem yesterday most of the trip and I was driving very safe. Right when it was like the roads were like snow covered and stuff like that. I was going slow, very slow and. And being very careful when the roads were not very bad though. But it's just kind of bad weather out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

People still driving extremely slow. And there's only one lane basically open on these things because you have to get the one that has the tire tracks. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you got to get. You gotta. Did you run into salt trucks which is the worst salt trucks.

[Robert Kelly]

You got to go behind them slow for a little while I think then you know it would be like 70 mile per hour pretty much the speed limit the whole way. And then they made almost every one of those states would have start flashing a sign saying statewide 35 mile an hour speed limit on all roads. No, I didn't do that at all. But I mean it doesn't matter if it says it's going to take you 12 hours at 70 miles per hour the whole way. When your speed is alternating between like 40 something and like 60, you're cutting, you're adding hours upon hours.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, hours. Was there any time where you wanted to quit?

[Robert Kelly]

No. No, didn't want to quit. No, I was actually like, my energy was up on it like the whole time. Like I wasn't like fading at any point or nothing. Like I wasn't like, I gotta get out of this car. Freaking out. We stopped at a truck stop and I got a lower lumbar pillow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh wow.

[Robert Kelly]

What's up? Went to Arby's for a quick lunch at that truck stop and then got back on the road many, many hours later. One in the morning. We started driving at 10am Truck stops. About 9:30 truck stops.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When you're in that, when you're doing a really bad road gig, like it's almost like Disneyland. It's just like you go in and there's so much to just.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh yeah, I almost bought a thousand things. I'm like, oh wow, a car ashtray. I'm like, what do I need that for? I'm not gonna bust out my ass.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You get a CB radio?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. I almost got a super like, like all kinds of doodads on it, seat cushion thing. But then I just ended up going with the, with the ass, the ass padding.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. You buy chicken knuckles?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. And then went, sat down for some Arby's. All these places are pump your own gas. Of course it's, you know, it's anywhere from negative like 11 in places we were at to like 15 degrees. But we went to Arby's. Dylan never had Arby's. Didn't want to try. He didn't. He was turned off to the idea of Arby's. Had it, semi enjoyed it. I wouldn't say he loved it. I think he liked it. 1:00am we're driving around, we're looking, you know, we got to get some fast food again. Burger king clothes, McDonald's closed. Wendy's, that's the best option. Closed. What's the only place open 24 hours in that part of the country? I guess Arby's again. So also had to have Arby's twice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Arby's. I know you love it, but I, I hate it.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't hate it. You're Just being contrary.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hate it. You know, I just was in Florida one of these times and I was like, let me go to Arby's. Let me try this again. Maybe. Maybe I was wrong. You are is gabbage. Look, I came up. I came up on Mike's roast beef. Mike's roast beef compared to Arby's roast beef.

[Robert Kelly]

You didn't grow up on that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I did grow up on it. What are you talking about? I grew up in Boston.

[Robert Kelly]

You and your friends were out there having malts, snapping your fingers outside of your tears.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

First of all, it's not a malt. You fr.

[Robert Kelly]

Fr. What's it called?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Rumblo is between a shake and a malt. Okay, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

What's called a salt. No, a make.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Grew up in Kelly. Kelly's Roast Beef and. And Mike's Roast Beef. The two places you went. And Arby's was garbage. It's not even like meat. It's like. It's like. It's like, you know, like Applebee's steak. It's steak technically, but it's like steak technically.

[Robert Kelly]

It's steak.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not. It. They. They.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not a good cut. It's not a good cut of steak maybe or all that, but it's steak.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Arby's is hydrated roast beef. It's like they wet it and then recook it. It's gross.

[Robert Kelly]

Is there. Is there a way to see a video of the process of Arby's roast beef? I bet. I bet they cook a roast beef and slice it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine is in charge of videos. Whip it up, Christine. We'll talk for the next 30 minutes.

[Robert Kelly]

We'll cut 30 minutes into this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I got. I got all my buttons.

[Producer Melissa]

I would like the listeners to know that those bad drops are from Bobby, not from me. He's just willy nilly with the applause and the DJ horn. What does that mean? Why are you doing that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm applauding you.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, I don't have any of that stuff.

[Producer Melissa]

That is Bandit smoking. The Bandit. You want a DJ battle, Bob? Because I'll battle you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Keep talking.

[Robert Kelly]

I gotta barbecue your ass.

[Jacob]

Take that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Take that. I quit. I quit.

[Robert Kelly]

I quit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't like that you have me. Jay's on the phone. You're dueling.

[Producer Melissa]

Hey, Melissa's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, Melissa. You want hey, Melissa. Hey, Melissa. Mine's better.

[Producer Melissa]

Why? Because it's you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, Melissa. You're the mama bear of the jerk off party. Jay, who are you calling right now?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm doing my sound effects. Yeah, I couldn't think of anything too fast. So I just did some fart sounds.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Fart sounds the best. Oh, it's gross. Look at it. It's like gray. It's.

[Robert Kelly]

Ugh.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Roast beef should be like dark on the edges and then pink in the middle. Pre packed in vacuum sealed bags with basting broth.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's a basting broth?

[Robert Kelly]

It's not pre sliced.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's. It's pre packed.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, like a roast beef you buy in the store.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Basting broth shipped frozen and slow, cooked in the restauran for three to four hours. It's disgusting. It's gross. Look at man. To each his own. You like that? I hate it. I think it's garbage.

[Robert Kelly]

It beef spends long time in the liquid, marinating it, preventing it from drying out, ensuring the flavor gets absorbed deep in the meat. According to several redditors who claim to have worked at Arby's, the beef is a compressed block made from smaller chunks rather than a single cut of steak. The broccoli. The block arrives frozen to outlets in a bag containing the basting liquid when it's first thawed in a cooler before being put into the oven to roast for over three hours.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You shouldn't be based.

[Robert Kelly]

Whatever. Whatever it's made of, dude, they're roasting it for over three hours, buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're not supposed to. You get a roast beef, you put it in the. You put all your stuff on it, you cook it, you eat it. You don't baste it for hours. And it's basting in that for its life. That's like the stuff they put the humans in, mate. The Matrix. It's disgusting.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not what they put the people in the Matrix.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's like it.

[Robert Kelly]

You're just being contrary.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm being. I'm being a contrarian.

[Robert Kelly]

You're being a contrarian. I like that. Congrats on that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

I like that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you.

[Christine]

Whoops.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, boy.

[Jacob]

Jay, 18 hours in the car and eating rose beef. What's the.

[Robert Kelly]

Hang on. I was a little bit late for this for Bobby. Good. I. Oh.

[Producer Melissa]

Come on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nope. You can do it.

[Jacob]

Nothing.

[Producer Melissa]

Nothing.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Jacob]

You.

[Robert Kelly]

Can'T believe you guys didn't hear that fart.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We didn't hear it. Is that a robot farting?

[Christine]

This does sound like a robot fart.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it sounds like a robot fart.

[Robert Kelly]

It's just the same. But you did hear it that time.

[Producer Melissa]

Barely.

[Jacob]

Yeah, it was garbled.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe I'm doing it too close. Maybe I need to keep my farts further from the microphone. That's your auto tuner.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Beat that.

[Jacob]

Oh, wow.

[Producer Melissa]

I don't got one of those.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, I'm certain. I'm certain I have the technology sitting in front of me here to do all these things.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You do.

[Robert Kelly]

I've got all these little things. I don't know. This is a thing. This does something. This. This has little things on it.

[Producer Melissa]

Press them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Push a button.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's see.

[Producer Melissa]

Bobby become a chick.

[Robert Kelly]

Monk.

[Producer Melissa]

Chipmunk.

[Robert Kelly]

A chipmunk. It just put an exclamation point. Like I did something wrong when I pushed it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There we go.

[Sponsor Voice]

Hey, what's going on, everybody?

[Robert Kelly]

Elvin.

[Producer Melissa]

That's fun.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, hang on, Bobby, Vamp for a second, because I want to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

I want to do the only other thing I can do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, you do actually fart into the microphone. You guys, while he's gone. Please raise your hand if you think Arby's is good. Roast beef trash. Just right. It's all right. We got one.

[Christine]

It's good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, Christine. Arby's. I'm gonna ask the question again, so it's going to be easier. Is Arby's good? Roast beef.

[Producer Melissa]

As far as fast food is not bad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's not what I'm asking. That's not what I'm asking. That's a different question.

[Producer Melissa]

Lou, I was raised on Roy Rogers. Remember that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, I'd take that over Arby's roast beef.

[Christine]

No, Arby's is like Arby's, Wendy's, McDonald's, Burger King. It's not Arby's, Mike's or Kelly's or the. Like, the place we went in Philly.

[Sponsor Voice]

That's delicious.

[Christine]

It's like. That's not the category it's in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's always gonna bring up Phil.

[Robert Kelly]

You ready?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Always has to be.

[Christine]

Well, we went to that great place, the Nick's. Great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's pork.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Christine]

No, it's roast beef. You're thinking about Tony. Luke's.

[Robert Kelly]

No, you're thinking about Nick's. Christine, roast beef. And Dennick's is not roast beef.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

Sandwich place. And let me tell you something. Are you guys looking at me?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're all looking here first.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, man. And this is the news.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

First of all, people.

[Robert Kelly]

A lot of people think we're going over to Bobby live on Bobby's. Going live on our action cam. Bobby, what do you got, everybody?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How are you? I'm out here in the Westchester area. We got around two feet of snow. Back to you, Jay in the studio.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, thank you. Bobby. That's Bobby out there. He's out there pounding the pavement doing the hard work while we're sitting back up here in the studios. Okay, now, what else is going on in the news?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, the Patriots won, and they're headed to the super bowl yet again. The 10th time in almost 20 seasons. That's crazy. Jay, let me say something. The other camera is so much cooler. I love that. That other. That other angle is that angle. Yeah, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. But I can't see you guys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you can't see it? You got to put that computer. Get a little monitor over on this side. Little monitor.

[Robert Kelly]

I think my studio might suck.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, your studio is insane. It looks beautiful. That shot with the background.

[Robert Kelly]

But yeah, it's just done wrong. But who cares?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's all right. How great is it? You can.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean. Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow, that's great. You can smoke inside on the show.

[Robert Kelly]

Not cigarettes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is dangerous.

[Robert Kelly]

Not cigarettes. Smoke cigarettes in the show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll let up a bat right in your house. Tells me to put it out. I'm like, I'm gonna hit her live on air.

[Robert Kelly]

Cigar in the house. Good for you. Go. Sorry, Jake. You had a question. 18 hours in the car, you had some questions.

[Jacob]

As a professional, do you stop the duty or do you hold it in the whole time?

[Robert Kelly]

No, no. No bit of duty. No road pooping at all.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A well built wardrobe is about pieces that work together and hold up over time. That's what Quince does best. Premium materials, thoughtful design, and everyday staples that feel easy to wear and easy to rely on even as the weather shifts. Quints has the everyday essentials with quality that lasts. Organic cotton sweaters, polos for every occasion, lighter jackets that keep you warm and changing. The list goes on. Quints works directly with top factories and cuts out the middleman. So you're not paying for brand markup, just quality clothing. When I finally started wearing quints, it just made me look a little more sophisticated and casual at the same time. It was like I was dressed up, but I still look good. And I can wear this stuff anywhere, anytime, any season. And the material is so soft and so comfortable, and you just feel like you're wearing something really, really well made. You know, when you put a T shirt on or a sweater or a pair of pants or a jacket, you know that feeling of quality. Well, Quince has got that. That's why I love it. So refresh your wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.combonfire for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c e.com bonfire free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com bonfire what if I told you.

[Sponsor Voice]

That tossing and turning all night and waking up sore could be the result of sleeping on the wrong pillow Sounds too good to be true. Hear me out Coop sleepgoods pillows are designed for every type of sleeper, side, back, stomach and everything in between. They adjust to how you sleep, keeping you supported and comfortable all night. And right now, customers get 20% off site wide. From new parents navigating sleep schedules to wellness minded sleepers focused on recovery to grandparents exploring new hobbies, Coop helps everyone sleep better and wake up actually feeling refreshed. There's a lot waiting for you tomorrow. Let Coop help you show up feeling rejuvenated and ready to go. Get 20% off your first order and try Coop risk free with a 100 night sleep better guarantee at coopsleepgoods.com comedy that's Coop sleepgoods.com comedy One out of.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Five Americans have learned a language on their bucket list. If that's you, make 2025 the year you finally check it off with Babbel, the language app that makes grammar fun and is actually worth your time. Baba lets you practice real life conversations step by step without the stress. You'll build the confidence to speak up when it matters. From ordering a coffee to chatting with new friends abroad. I use it. And this is the fun part about it. It only takes a few minutes a day. Every day I pops up on my phone and I just start using it and by the end of the day I learn a new word, I learn a new phrase. I learned how to ask for things. And I love going to another country. Nothing's worse than when I went to Cuba and they had a hurricane and I couldn't speak the language. I didn't know how to get coffee. Bread. Say hello. What's going on? I was it was almost like just being helpless in another country. Now with Babel, I'm going back to Cuba with my SO son and I know how to speak the language. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 55% off your Babel subscription at babel.com/bonfire. Get up to 55 off at babel.com/donfire spelled B-A-B-B-E-L.com/donfire rules and restrictions apply.

[Jacob]

18 hours. You're holding it in?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, no, I mean I shipped before I left.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, plus, he's on Manjaro. That thing clogs up your really good. You can do a lot of road gigs on that, I guess maybe just.

[Jacob]

Also the idea of driving that long, you pro. You're probably somewhere inside just says, shut down till I get home.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe I was, like, shaking when I laid down to go to bed last night.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Kelly]

Like, you get that, like. Well, it's like that. You call it tour bus legs when I went on those tours. When your body's moving, when you're moving like that, even though you don't feel like you're moving, if you're moving like that, when you stop, it's like your body's still, like, rattling. It was pretty weird, man.

[Jacob]

That relief when you walked in the house must have been amazing.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, so what I had to do was actually worse than you'd think. So everything got canceled. I went to go get the car so I could leave early the day before, Christine set a reservation for me, and it was in the lobby of the hotel, and the reservation was for 1 o'. Clock. I was down there about, like, 1:15 or so to go get it. Like, you know, pull down the lot or whatever, and they go. They were, like, closed completely. And it said they closed at 1 o', clock, which is when I was told to pick up the car to begin with. So it would have been closed when I went down there if I went down there right on time. So, like, that's frustrating.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then you got to the place and it was just closed.

[Robert Kelly]

It was in the lobby of the hotel. Thank God I didn't know that. I started calling Uber for the address that was sent, and then I was like, oh, it's. I'm at. Was in the hotel. So we went. So, yeah, so, well, I didn't leave or anything, but, I mean, the. The weather was insane. The kind of cold it was. Was first night I was there with windchill, negative 30.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jesus Christ.

[Jacob]

Damn.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, everyone's, like, talking about. It was like a. A thing and everything.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like, did you bring in the hotel? They were like, hey, listen, we're waving everybody. We. We've heard about you. You can. You can do what you got to do. We don't want you to die.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they didn't want me to die, but so I couldn't get the car. So now you have to wait. I can't even leave it, like, you know, seven, eight in the morning if I wanted to, like, get an early jump because they don't open till 9. So anyway, so we get the car, he goes, all right, it's outside there, buried in snow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did they give you a shovel or anything?

[Robert Kelly]

They gave you the. In the car. There's the thing, the snow brush. The little one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The little hand one?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, the hand one. You had a hand one buried. Buried in snow. So me and Billy do it. We both did it. Oh, but, but Dylan's very helpful in that regard also.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I would have made Joe, Russell and Danny just wipe the whole thing off with their stomachs and arms. Get to it.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, we treat people different. I guess I'm not gonna.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not venmoing you your 50 bucks unless you clean this car.

[Robert Kelly]

So and we get going right away. See, right away this car is like just fishtailing, even in four wheel drive a little bit like. But I'm just like in the parking lot things. It's so snowed over. That's how much snow is on the ground. The streets were substantially better, obviously. But we get going. The whole thing is when we get out there, when I drive home, what I have to do now is drive from Chicago past my house in Jersey by a lot. No, to go to LaGuardia Airport. Off site. Off site. So after the 18 hours we drive to the address that it says to return the car at, which is not on site. LaGuardia. So I got to figure I'm going to get over to my car at LaGuardia. They, when they, when we get to the place, it's closed. There's a car blocking the driveway. They won't let in to return the cars in very. Finally, after about 10 minutes, very small writing on a sign says after hour drop offs at this address. The address is really small too. You have to really squint to see it. It's about a half mile away. So we go to this Avis to drop it off. We follow all the signs for car return. We do a full loop around the building. Not one human being to be seen inside or outside in any way. We finally see somebody maybe refueling some of the cars and we go, hey, where's the car return? He goes, go around the other way. There's a guy, there's a guy in a car. Just give him the keys. I did. But also the car return is in the very, very back of the unshoveled or plowed parking lot of the rental car place. So now I got to drag my. I'm wearing sneakers by the way. I got to drag my bag. That's wheels happen to be lower than the snow is This a check in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bag to the big one.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, big bag. And Dylan. Dylan and his big bag. My now obnoxiously heavy and uncomfortable coat. A book bag that I can't wear with the coat because it's too, you know, I mean, like the book bag straps are too small for that big, big coat. And so I'm carrying that stuff's falling in the snow. I tried. My feet are just soaked. The Uber to take me to LaGuardia and doing. Home to meet LaGuardia and do. And then home has to stop in the middle of the street because he can't point. We're dragging the bags through like watery snow and to walk across a highway road almost. It's empty, thank God. So we could. The guy can put our stuff in his car and shit from like the back, you know, from the. Put in the trunk of the car. Then he goes, he takes me to LaGuardia. I get out, I take the elevator up to go to the parking lot. I go, you know what? Just want to go to the bathroom before I head to the parking lot. The bathroom upstairs in LaGuardia Terminal C is completely across the building. I mean, insanely across the building from the parking lot. I'd say a two minute walk. A two minute walk from the. From where. Where I was at by the parking lot. And then a guy. And then I start getting me and this guy ended up being okay, but I was almost looking at this point for a little thing. This guy just goes. I guess he works there. He goes, hey, my man, bag check ins downstairs. And I went, okay. He goes, well, you got your bag? I go like, yeah. I go, I'm going to the bathroom before I go to my car. And he was like, oh, okay. Because I was gonna say, I know the runways are Many started kind of being like nicer and. But like, that was fine. Get in the car.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And that was after all that I got in the car and then had to drive back to Jersey. No, no, no. Dylan stayed in the Uber.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, thank God.

[Robert Kelly]

And when continued on home, that's when.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That sounds like an episode of 1883.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. A few people died in dysentery. We lost a few. Yeah, we lost a few people.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is like a Taylor Sheridan show, man. This how they.

[Robert Kelly]

No, we were like, what's that famous family, the Donner. Is that what it is?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, dude. The. This is. This is the frontier. This is.

[Robert Kelly]

Dylan almost ate each other.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, man. This is. This is nuts. I mean, that was the longest.

[Robert Kelly]

That was the longest. I've ever driven in my life by far.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When she told me, you're driving home, I just know that your old comic brain. Let's just go where we just, you know, you road dogs, just get in the car and hit it. We'll make it.

[Robert Kelly]

It was the right decision. Still.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was the right decision. But you've. You've. You've changed. It's changed you. There's something about it that's not the same. You didn't come in. I mean, you'll be changed forever.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm a little worse for the wear.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You'll be coming to this. Hey, Lou, pick the song. I. I got nothing.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I don't give a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You forgot all music, all your trivia. You don't know anything anymore because you burnt it out on the ride.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, and literally passed out immediately on the couch. And then Christine woke me up to frazzle me about if we were going in or not, when I thought we weren't. And then 20 minutes after that, shoveling until we started. Until literally 20 minutes before we started the show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, I gotta say this. One of the. The first fight I ever got into with dawn and the first time I was, like, annoyed with her is in. In. I don't know why women don't know how to do this. They don't know how to wake people up, right?

[Robert Kelly]

She.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was. I slept over a house she lived with her mom. I was up on. Up in her house on the beanbag.

[Robert Kelly]

Just.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I fell asleep up. She had a beanbag, and I fell asleep, and she woke me up. Hey, you gotta go. You gotta go. You gotta go. And I woke up. My heart jumped out of my chest. That wasn't me. And then.

[Robert Kelly]

But we know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I just. And I go, everybody knows.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, that was you, but, I mean, that wasn't you.

[Jacob]

And.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I. I was just like. I was like, what? I had, like, 20 minutes. Like, she had 20 minutes to get to where I had. I was fine. She's like, hey, hey, you got. You got to get up. And I was like. Woke up. I was like, what the. I don't ever. Wait. I feel bad now. I was like, don't ever wake me up like that again. She's like, you have to go. I was like, yeah, that tone you have now. Use that tone. Don't. Don't. We have to go. Yeah, but that. You should have woke me up. Like, hey, what's going on? Hey, Bobby. Bobby. I just want to be woken up. Hey.

[Christine]

Hey.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If I was waking you up like, Jay. Hey, Jay. Jay. Hi, honey. I know.

[Christine]

I know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You need sleep. I know, I know, I know. Hey, babe. I have some lunch ready for you, and I also have some. I got you coffee from Starbucks. If you want it, it's there. If you don't. I understand, but it's there if you need it. And also, I don't know what's going on, but I'd like to talk to you about the show. They might.

[Jacob]

They.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They definitely will stay home today. Absolutely. Stay home.

[Sponsor Voice]

They will.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Will just do it from home. You can stay home because I know you're tired. I know you're a long time. They'll definitely do. But Lou and they are gonna. They will go in, too, if you wanted to. But I. I was like, no, he's gonna stay home.

[Robert Kelly]

That ain't the energy over here. That's not that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That would have been great.

[Robert Kelly]

It's like. It's like business. It's like she's in producer mode. Hey. And then we've got a. It's like. So everyone just wants to know. Call. Call Bobby, because he wants to know. And everyone's going. Lou is going in, and Jacob is going in, but black Lou's not going in and everything. And then took a couple shots of black Lou being lazy and not going to work.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Kelly]

She didn't do that. That part's not true.

[Christine]

I should have. I said. I should have just made the call.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And not bothered him with it.

[Robert Kelly]

She should have just made the call completely. Yeah, but, like, no, it's never going to be like, hey, it's. It's assistant with a clipboard. Energy on all things.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Wives and. Wives and girlfriends.

[Robert Kelly]

Dinner. What are we doing for dinner? Everything's the same thing. Dinner will be what, what? And what? Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. It's always like, we're. It's a. It's a. A business decision that has to be made or we're going to lose the account.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, we're going to lose the big account.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, we're going to lose the big. Hey, we got to know now because they're going to walk. Hines is going to walk.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. These guys aren't playing around.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, they're not playing around. So we got to know. I mean, just be gentle. Wake us up like you'd wake your girlfriend up. Hey, Rebecca. Rebecca.

[Robert Kelly]

I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, Melissa.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey. Was that Bobby himself?

[Producer Melissa]

Yeah, it's Bobby doing a great job on his own.

[Robert Kelly]

That was pretty goddamn good, Bobby. That's gonna get you one loud wet fart.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you can get on it.

[Robert Kelly]

Hang on. A second.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're gonna get you. We gotta get you a roadcaster.

[Robert Kelly]

No, man. We're good.

[Christine]

Nope.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nothing. Nope. Nothing.

[Jacob]

Nothing.

[Robert Kelly]

Jay, you're not hearing any of these?

[Jacob]

No, none of those.

[Robert Kelly]

Not a one? No. How is that possible?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, but I'll pump everybody up. What's up, everybody? We heard that one. It's the bonfire.

[Robert Kelly]

This one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Go ahead, do it again. No, no.

[Producer Melissa]

It's the way zoom interprets sound.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We got it. We didn't get it.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you hear What? I'm making noises.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, we hear you.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It's louder than me. Right next to me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nope, can't hear it. Here, try it again. Put it right up to the mic. Ready?

[Robert Kelly]

Are you guys kidding?

[Jacob]

No, we're not kidding. We can't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're all doing this so you freak out. We want to make you snap.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you hear me knocking on the table?

[Jacob]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Producer Melissa]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, maybe I have a weird. Good or terrible mic.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's an amazing mic. It's not picking up any of the sounds, so you can fart away, kid.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a good mic. That doesn't pick up sounds.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, it only picks up your voice.

[Robert Kelly]

Is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's all we need.

[Producer Melissa]

It's a zoom setting, and your voice sounds great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you gotta. You gotta get some stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

I gotta change my zoom setting to be able to have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Ambient sound. Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Producer Melissa]

Musicians.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, Bobby wants to do a morning zoo out of his house so bad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I do. I do.

[Robert Kelly]

Go ahead.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Later, everybody. It's Bobby K and Big J. That rhymes. And that's us all the time. Give it up. The snowstorm's over. Well, we're out there in the streets Shoveling's done. Am I jealous of the guys who have the. The old heated driveway? My neighbor. What a guy. Anyways.

[Robert Kelly]

You go. And both kids died in the accident. Now moving on to local news. I. Do you see my local news? Turn there, Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Moving on to local news.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you don't think I'm getting that, I'm. I want that so bad. That looks so good.

[Robert Kelly]

You need a whole other camera.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know. I do. I have three cameras here. I just.

[Robert Kelly]

You get another camera. I'll get my fart noises into the program, and then we'll. We probably never have to leave our basements ever again.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Then we can actually be in cool studio. A really nice studio.

[Robert Kelly]

Look at me. A good studio. And look at us with film right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's nuts. This could go live to YouTube the next day. We could actually get the show popular.

[Robert Kelly]

If we had one more person on the zoom. The equipment at Sirius XM would just start. It's like sparking and exploding. It can't handle. It's overloaded. I just.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, Melissa.

[Robert Kelly]

Smoked half of a cigarette. Only what I could describe as I think are deadly icicles that are gonna fall and kill someone for sure. From my house. Yeah. They're dripping. They keep freezing my trash can shut. It's a treacherous, icy walk right outside the door, and it's just dripping icicles.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you have salt? Did you get salt?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Salt that sucker.

[Jacob]

Jay.

[Robert Kelly]

Gotta throw more salt down. Yeah.

[Jacob]

Can I just. Well, I'm sure everyone.

[Robert Kelly]

How many deaths a year from icicles?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Here we go. Here's his manly advice from Jacob. Go ahead, Jacob.

[Robert Kelly]

Go ahead, Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Someone.

[Jacob]

No advice. A compliment. I wanted to just say that we all saw you perform at Madison Square Garden on Thursday and.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, absolutely.

[Jacob]

Murdered.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, thank you.

[Jacob]

Such a pleasure to. Unbelievable. Seeing you and the entire arena. That whole arena is just packed. Just came out and. And murdered. Everyone was great.

[Robert Kelly]

Y. Oh, yeah. That was fun. What a fun night, man. Shane, really. He took care of everybody this weekend. Put everybody on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you mean? He put everybody who's on the show? Well, I know only one person that's been on the show because he's posting it like he did Madison Square Garden.

[Robert Kelly]

Who?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Rich Voss. I mean, he has like five different shots of him just in front of 20,000 people.

[Robert Kelly]

I think my side posted one reluctantly. I think it went all behind my back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's because you don't want. You don't want it out there because it's not your show, right?

[Robert Kelly]

Not my show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no. I wanted, like, I'm happy to come tell the. I'm so proud of Shane and stuff like that. But I mean, like. Yeah. To keep posting, like, look at me go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I was asked by somebody who can do that. It's not my thing, but what a sweet thing to get to do. I mean. Wow. And more importantly, Bobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes, sir.

[Robert Kelly]

I may have. I may have went a little too far by the end, but I may have unblown it and be acquaintances with Cooper DeJean. Who? Black Lou. You'll get excited for me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Who's that?

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you. He's one of the two Philadelphia Eagles that. If you recall back in Iowa, I told you the story where I gave him the. I kept going and they weren't hearing me, and then they turned away and just kept walking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

But he has since followed me on social media. But I thought that was a little Bit of Dylan, like wizardry. But then when we were going in to the garden, we got an elevator and he was in the elevator with us and he looked at me and went, hey, man. And I was like, okay. I was like, okay, don't. Don't whiff because I swear to you, everything in me wanted. Everything.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Stats and his. Everything.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no. My thing is always like, let me remind you, dude, because I'm like, I want to make him laugh and, and seem normal. So my normal is going like, hey, dude, I'm normal. Remember last time? I didn't know what to say. So I was. I. When you guys were walking out, I was going to tell him the whole story in my mind in a packed elevator, by the way. I didn't do it good. I didn't do it at all. And then when I saw Shane in the green room, I went up to him. I go, dude, I think I may have done good with Cooper De Jean for the first time. And he went, I swear to God. He goes, oh, Coop's here. I went, dude, suck my dick. Yeah, I saw him in the elevator off. Oh, is Bobby De Niro in the house?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Buddy, you should have went up. What's up, Coops?

[Jacob]

I saw the. I saw the interaction take place. In fact, Jay, I didn't know. I watched all the games, but I don't know who he is because he's always wearing the helmet. So I know the player. I just never put the face to it. He looks like he's two years older than Max. He's got such a baby face.

[Robert Kelly]

He is exactly Isabella's age.

[Jacob]

He's so young looking though. And man, he's just to be that talented and that young and he looks like a boy and. But yeah, Jay went up to him and I watched it and.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, so after. Well, that was. Well, that was before the show in the elevator when I saw him and everything. And then when I got off stage, I guess they were going somewhere else to sit and watch the rest of the show. And he walked by the green room, peeked his head back in. He was like, dude, it's a great job, man. And I was like, nice. Then I'm feeling loose. So when everyone's backstage after the show for the few minutes I'm backstage, I go, isabelle, everybody. I'm like, guys want to like, meet Cooper De Jean? He's probably ready to meet everybody in my life now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You called him Coops, though. You go, you guys want me Coops?

[Robert Kelly]

I did not. I went over to him and he goes, Hey, I go, hey, man, I go. Before I leave here, man, I just wanted to. Is it cool if I introduce you as my daughter? And. And Jake, right? Didn't I introduce you, Jacob?

[Jacob]

I didn't want you to lay back. I leaned back.

[Robert Kelly]

Isabella. Christine. Carla should have called Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your agent.

[Robert Kelly]

Isabella's roommate. Isabella's Isabella's roommate. We went over there, and then he turned around and shook hands at everybody. And then we were just in a circle. And now I don't know what exactly to do. And I started to go. I started to go haywire. And I left. I sandbagged Isabella real quick. And then I was like, all right. I gave him a hug and I left. Because I just know what I was like. Isabella. I was telling Isabella. It was funny when we were watching the super bowl and you got the pick six on your 22nd birthday. I'm like, she's also 22. I looked over at her right away like, what have you accomplished at 22 years old? And then we had a little laugh. And when I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. Let's get out of here. And then we left.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You just trashed your daughter.

[Robert Kelly]

It was my daughter. She hasn't done, like you at 20. At your age.

[Christine]

You did excuse yourself, like, at a good time. And then we're still in the room. I was like, we have to get the. Out of this room now. I was like, we need to, like, keep going right now.

[Jacob]

It was perfect amount of time.

[Robert Kelly]

And then Shane was going to call him back over again. I was like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, it's funny because I. When I did the shows with Shane, the. The. The. His green room is dead. It's quiet. It's just the comics. It's. I love it. It's just us. There's a video game thing. There's a few snacks. Chicken fingers. It's very simple. You know, like, after the show, it gets intense, but after the show, it just fills up with.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you could feel the energy from these people that they're somebody.

[Robert Kelly]

Yep. Which you don't know well because they're also strange. Somebody. That's what I'm see, you forget everybody knows the celebrities. You're excited to have the celebrities back there. But there's three celebrities back there, you know, at a big thing, you know, a handful of celebrities. What there's mostly back there is the sports agent for the biggest athletes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's what happens. I wind up picking the. I wound up talking to somebody's uncle, thinking there's somebody for 20 minutes and it's oh, yeah. And I'm like, hey, man. And then I got. What do you do? I'm his uncle. I'm like, oh, I just blew 20 minutes of convo time with Uncle Jeb.

[Robert Kelly]

True to my energy though, and Isabella's, I'm also very proud of her. At one point we were standing in the hallway and Josh Hart from the Knicks and his chick walked by and like kind of gave like a little nod and I just was like. And then he walked by and I was behind him doing this. We don't want to meet no Knicks, dude. Get out of here. Josh Hart. I'm not Shane, dude. I'm not meeting everybody and being nice. I don't have to. I don't want to be the New York Knicks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I, I get so. I don't know why I get nervous around sports guys. I don't get nervous because they're famous.

[Robert Kelly]

Because they're boys and they can kill you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like when we do the Leary thing every year it's packed with Bruins. It's because, you know, obviously it's in Red Sox.

[Robert Kelly]

I think genuinely it's because, like, you don't feel like you're, you know, two yeses and just like a twat hair away from like being an actor that's like. Well, you understand that side of it. You've been in things, you've seen the, you know, what's behind what's being filmed. When something's being filmed, you know, I mean, it doesn't seem that far away from you. You are so millions of miles away, as am I, from professional athletics. I was never close to it. I was never pushing at the edge of it. I was never like, if I just would have done a little more this. There was nothing. I know, like, like possible competitive skill level in a sport outside of street stuff. You know what I mean?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's something physical. There's such a physical difference between an athlete and me.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, just their, their height, their body, just the way they walk.

[Robert Kelly]

It's just dicks.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Announcer]

Big dicks.

[Jacob]

He did kind of look like they're like a, like real life Superman. They're just physically better. You could tell he's just, he's got skills. No, like 1.1% of the population has.

[Robert Kelly]

So it's a chest up confidence that they actually have is what it is. They're very like, they know they're elite, man. There's only, you know, there's a. Billions of people in the world, dude. And there's but you really.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can't.

[Robert Kelly]

Hundreds of football players.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can't be a fan fan either. Like, like Burr, when we do the. The Garden thing together with Larry, he knows all the guys, and he knows how to just go up and hey.

[Robert Kelly]

And just talk because they know him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They. Yeah, dude, they don't.

[Robert Kelly]

That's what hurts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They know him so hard at that.

[Robert Kelly]

Thing, and it doesn't matter.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They want nothing to do with me. Look, I love Cam Neely.

[Robert Kelly]

They give you a good job. They give you, like, a good job, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Good job, good job, good job.

[Robert Kelly]

Now it's never. It's never come to my house.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Kim. Nelly's son, I can talk to. I smoke cigars with him. I'll shoot the. With them.

[Robert Kelly]

But who gives a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think that's it, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Guys, I'll be back on at 11 to describe who gives a. With Robert Kelly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. It's so uncomfortable to be around athletes, man. They're just different humans. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I remember the last one I did with Shane. It filled up with. And it was college athletes and, like, NFL.

[Robert Kelly]

That's even harder. You're like a college.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know anything, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

They're all millionaires now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I wound up talking to one guy for, like, an hour, and I was like, oh, cool. And then he wound up being a coach at a high school, and he was like, dude, man, you know, you're great. You. You should come and talk to my players. And I was like, huh? He's like, dude, you got to come down and you got to motivate my players. I really think you know your story, because I told him my whole life because he had that, you know, I'm a professional athlete guy. And we. We wound up talking, and then he's like. He still calls me. He wants to fly me down and go in the. I can't go. I don't. I don't know what a hook pattern is. I don't. I'm a fan fan.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't. Don't get involved, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'd have to go. I'd have to, like. You have to train like, a Bird's great at that.

[Robert Kelly]

Bert's great at that. Getting in there and friending them right away. Shane's great attitude. I'm so bad at it, dude. They have to, like. They almost have to want a friendship with me. Sal is a good example. John Popper was a good example. Like, they pursued like, hey, I'd like to come hang out at a thing. I was like, oh, you would?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you remember Christine, the first time Sal came over? I was almost, like, mad at her. I'm like, he's gonna think this place is a piece of like, we live in the Village. He's gonna come in here and think our snacks are shitty.

[Christine]

Our snacks are great. We live in the coolest neighborhood in Manhattan.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You do. I'll tell you what you guys do. What you lack in the apartment, you really made up for with snacks and charcuterie, baby. Oh, yeah, you guys, it was my first time in your apartment was great.

[Robert Kelly]

We never made your way to the East Village one, though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I was never invited.

[Christine]

Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nope. Never invited.

[Robert Kelly]

We didn't really do. You couldn't have had.

[Christine]

Yeah, there's like, you have, like, two people there. most.

[Robert Kelly]

It would have been inviting you over to watch television. There's nothing else you could have done.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like television. I was never invited.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, crickets. Bobby wanted to be invited. And then you heard crickets.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was never invited. No. I never got the old invite to old fingerless mittens party.

[Robert Kelly]

The old invite.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nope, never got one.

[Robert Kelly]

I think it's so funny. It's so, like, classy to me also, like, Shane's rider is so. It's. I mean, it's the same everywhere we go. It's like hummus, chicken fingers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Chicken fingers.

[Robert Kelly]

It's hummus and chicken fingers and like, you know, whatever. Like, you know, chips and dips. Like, there's no. They'll do whatever. And then at the end of it, like, you know, some pizzas for the crew and stuff. It's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's simple. I love it. It's.

[Robert Kelly]

No, me too. I think that's great. So you can go back. I mean, he could literally go, like, you know, whatever Steakhouse is sending over stuff, you know, I mean, you can do whatever he wants.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I love that. It's so simple. And there's no pre. Hey, we're gonna meet for a dinner or we're going to this place. Like, we've been invited.

[Robert Kelly]

We can. He'll do what we can. He goes. He goes, hey, I'm gonna go. If anybody wants to run.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. It's like, there's no big invite that you have to go to. There's no you have to do. He's doing it right.

[Robert Kelly]

God bless him, too. He's filming Tire season three and then, yeah, running up here to do three sold out shows. But I'm saying he did hook up, everybody. Santino. My show was Santino.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

McCusker both killed McCusker. Brought me up. I had the odd. It was so awesome. I got to bring up Colin. That's awesome. I don't know if I've done that. I don't know if I've done that since I was in my early twenties at the Cellar. Mid twenties. Yeah. To bring up Colin.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's great.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it was awesome.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Was he busting? It was backstage. Was he.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He doesn't give a.

[Robert Kelly]

What did he say? He said something about me funny when I first got on stage. I forget he called me. I look like something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Santino is one of the funniest guy. I mean, he is hilarious, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He is just laser sharp, man. I love watching Santino sharp.

[Robert Kelly]

Good jokes, great. The story. Tongue is his cadence. His voice is just good too. He's got a great voice for McCusker's. Great. Yeah, dude. The show was like. It was a. It was great. I do like that. I do like that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The 30th and the 31st, I might pop by one of those nights. Probably Saturday night after that. He's going to be in Dania Beach, Fort Worth, Nashville. For tickets and all the tour dates go to bigjay comedy.com YouTube.com@big j okerson and Bobby Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

Sorry. Bobby Kelly's gonna be at Comedy Works south in Colorado February 5th through the 7th. Such a fun club. After that he's going to be in Columbus, Ohio, Batavia, Illinois and the comics Roadhouse in Connecticut. For tickets and all their tour dates, visit Punchup Live. Robert Kelly. It's first one of the first gigs I ever did with you, Bobby was Mohegan. Someone first opened brand new hotel.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's when I got the flu. And you kept the window open on the way home because you had to smoke. You piece of.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I remember it as a good time with. With. With a new friend, but okay. Punch up that live Robert Kelly and Of course his YouTube channel, YouTube.comoberTKellyComedy and every Tuesday night, Fat Black Pussycat lounge comedy. So we'll catch you tomorrow. Back from studio.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think back in the crappy studio.

[Sponsor Voice]

Gas snacks tolls.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This trip is draining my wallet.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but we'll be with family. You're in a good mood.

[Sponsor Voice]

What's your deal?

[Robert Kelly]

What's my deal? I saved at Metro with no activation fees and I got one line of 5G for just $25 per month. Kept the phone I love and a 5 year price guarantee on my top.

[Sponsor Voice]

Text and data detour to Metro. Get that more for your money feeling.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Only at Metro by T Mobile.

[Christine]

Just bring your number. $30 first month at $25 after with autopay not available.

[Robert Kelly]

If with Metro or T Mobile in.

[Christine]

The past 180 days.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, what's going on? I'm Robert Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

And I'm Big J. Okerson. Do you want to listen to episodes of the Bonfire ad free and a whole week early?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, the Bonfire is a member of Sirius XM's Podcast Plus.

[Robert Kelly]

If you get a SiriusXM Podcast plus subscription, it opens you up to all kinds of benefits on so many SiriusXM shows and podcasts.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So what are you waiting for?

[Robert Kelly]

Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcast plus right now or visit SiriusXM. Com podcastplus right now.