Indian Food & Foot Disease

Summary

The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: Indian Food & Foot Disease
Date: April 8, 2026
Host: SiriusXM Faction Talk, Channel 103

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Episode Overview

In this raucous and unfiltered episode, comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly dive into their classic mix of comedic banter, cultural commentary, and personal stories. The show spins from discussions about interracial dating and Indian food quirks (and misadventures), to the hazards of street food, standup comedy industry inside baseball, and even the peculiar afflictions of comedian feet. As always, the humor is blunt, unguarded, and packed with asides and wild tangents.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Jacob’s Interracial Relationship & Identity Banter

[01:12–07:14]

• The episode kicks off with Jay and Bobby grilling their producer Jacob about his girlfriend’s racial and ethnic background, skating between jokes about black and Indian culture.

• Jacob clarifies, "She's not full [black], she's half Indian," prompting immediate, prolonged riffing on what it means to act or 'be' Indian vs. black in America.

• Running jokes include whether or not people "come from a long line" of any given group, and lampooning stereotypes related to Indian and black American cultures.

  "She acts more black than she does Indian. She took me to New Edition concert, for Christ’s sake." —Jacob ([05:11])

• The crew riff on ethnic stereotypes, poking fun at cultural touchstones (e.g., snake charming) with deliberate absurdity and self-awareness, mocking themselves for their lack of understanding.

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2. Indian Food Riffs & Viral Street Food Videos

[07:14–14:09]

• Jake and Bobby discuss the perils of eating at Indian restaurants and street food in India. They describe viral videos showing unhygienic food preparation, including the infamous “foot bananas” (bananas mashed by foot).

• The group reacts audibly to video descriptions, dramatizing and exaggerating (often with disgust) what they’re seeing — a staple of Bonfire humor.

  "Dude, Indian street food is the grossest shit I’ve ever seen." —Bobby Kelly ([07:31])
  "Foot bananas... and then they flop it in, and then they sprint. But they put, like, 7,000 things on one thing." —Jay Oakerson ([07:56])

• Christine, another show regular, is brought in to comment, especially about Indian food influencers.

• Wild jokes about cross-contamination, “rat dookies”, bacteria, and joking claims that consuming such food prepares your gut (with a nod to Joe Rogan’s hobbyhorse about probiotics).

  “A little rat potato pie!” —Jay ([11:31])

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3. Comics Unleashed & The Comedy Business

[14:23–26:43]

• The Bonfire crew tries to navigate various streaming platforms searching for new episodes of the comedy show “Comics Unleashed,” riffing about Byron Allen’s ownership and business model.

• Jay and Bobby imagine a parody called “Comics Leashed,” where comics are literally on leashes.

  "Let’s do a show called Comics Leashed. Where it’s the same show, but everyone’s on a leash. So they can’t stand up..." —Jay Oakerson ([15:31])

• Extended discussion on standup comedy history: the limited pool of big-name women comics in the '80s and '90s, Kathy Ladman’s career, and their (skeptical) views on comedy coaching.

  "You can’t make anybody funnier." —Jay Oakerson ([23:35]) "Comedy is... you can’t... how do you take advice from somebody? You gotta just go on and do it." —Bobby Kelly ([26:31])

• They recall the roots of their own stage personas and question whether genuine comedic instincts can be taught.

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4. Emotional Moments: Ron Bennington’s Cancer Announcement

[31:49–38:07]

• The tone briefly shifts as the hosts discuss Ron Bennington’s return to radio and announcement of his cancer diagnosis, praising his and his daughter’s resilience and humor in confronting serious news on-air.

  "He was making essentially a cancer announcement and he started the show... the only father daughter radio show in the history of radiation. Seems like timely." —Jay Oakerson ([32:55])

• They share their own imagined reactions to health crises, contrasting Jay’s inclination to withdraw and ruminate versus Bobby’s desire for affection and doting.

  "I want to be bathed, I want to be fed, I want it all." —Bobby Kelly ([37:15])
  "I don’t want to be doted on. I want to go into a hole and just sit and think of all the reasons why God’s taking me." —Jay Oakerson ([36:54])

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5. Living with Comics, Single Life & Leather Jackets

[42:24–46:51]

• The co-hosts reminisce about the chaos and camaraderie of living with other standup comics early in their careers.

• Bobby and Joe DeRosa’s shared adventures in New York — making sandwiches, strolling through the city, and competing in “bad leather jacket” fashion.

  "We used to walk around like we were New Yorkers. We go to one shop to get a loaf of bread, another shop and get meats..." —Bobby Kelly ([45:17])

• The affection for those formative years is palpable, with comedic undercurrent throughout.

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6. Foot Hygiene & Disease: The ‘Foot Disease’ Segment

[47:37–53:12]

• Prompted by Bobby’s confession to moisturizing his feet — “I realized this morning I’m finished when I creamed my feet…” ([47:40]) — the hosts spiral into a discussion of calluses, plantar warts, hotel carpeting, and home foot surgery.

• They describe the peculiar satisfaction of digging out foot calluses, trading stories of at-home “medical” procedures with razors.

  "Dude, my feet are totally creamed right now." —Jay ([48:33])
  "Shaving... the little thing out, and it comes out, it’s awesome." —Bobby Kelly ([51:12])

• The exchange reaches a comic, slightly grotesque peak as Bobby suggests making jewelry from foot calluses.

  "I like the ones you can pull off and like make a jewelry out of it, like an earring." —Bobby Kelly ([52:03])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Indian Street Food:
  "Foot bananas... and then they flop it in, and then they sprint. But they put, like, 7,000 things on one thing." —Jay ([07:56])

• On Comedy Coaching:
  "You can’t make anybody funnier.” —Jay ([23:35])
  "Comedy is... you… how do you take advice from somebody? You gotta just go on and do it.” —Bobby ([26:31])

• On Living with Comics:
  "We used to walk around like we were New Yorkers... ill-fitting leather jackets..." —Jay ([44:45])

• On Foot Hygiene:
  "Dude, my feet are totally creamed right now." —Jay ([48:33])
  "I like the ones you can pull off and make jewelry out of." —Bobby ([52:03])

• On Coping with Illness vs. Stoicism:
  "I want to be doted. I want my back rubbed." —Bobby ([36:54])
  "I want to go into a hole... and think about why God’s taking me." —Jay ([36:54])

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Useful Timestamps

• 01:12–07:14 – Banter about Jacob’s girlfriend, ethnic background, and culture
• 07:14–14:09 – Gross-out discussion of Indian food/street food videos, stereotypes, “foot bananas”
• 14:23–26:43 – Comics Unleashed, the nuts and bolts of standup comedy, comedy coaching
• 31:49–38:07 – Reflections on Ron Bennington’s cancer news and emotional resilience
• 42:24–46:51 – Stories from living with comics, leather jacket misadventures
• 47:37–53:12 – Foot disease, calluses, warts and the joy of at-home gross-out “pedi procedures”

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Tone & Style

• Classic Bonfire: brash, crude, but always sharply self-aware.
• The comedians cross lines deliberately for comedic effect, with regular self-mockery and quick walkbacks.
• Insight into standup behind-the-scenes, but never too earnest for long.
• Frequent, affectionate ball-busting and evocative visual imagery.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

You get a rowdy window into the personal lives and minds of two seasoned comics: gross stories, street food horror, brutal takes on the comedy business, reminiscing about comedic brotherhood, and even the reluctant realities of middle-aged hygiene. True to Bonfire form, if you're a fan of no-holds-barred, quick-banter comedy with as many vivid images as four-letter words, this episode offers a healthy dose — and some tips (or at least warnings) about what not to do with your feet.

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Transcript

[Narrator/Announcer]

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[Host/Interviewer]

And now the bonfire with Big J

[Jay]

Okerson and Robert Kelly, Oscar Award winners. 36 Mafia.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, we just walk by them in the hallway.

[Jay]

Yeah. Three six. Three six mafia out in the park. Not the a, but a 36 mafia was out there and.

[Bobby Kelly]

And a wuang.

[Jay]

And the Fetty Wap. The Fetty Wap is why everyone's here. And I will tell you this. I'll tell you what else is out in that lobby. Fetty Wap and enough horse hair to circle the earth at the equator twice. I'll just say horsehair for the weaves.

[Christine]

Oh, okay.

[Jay]

Damn, dude. No one here understands black culture.

[Jacob]

I do.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nobody except for you and the. Oh, that's it.

[Jacob]

What are you talking about? I have a black girlfriend.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's not full.

[Jacob]

You're right. She told me to tell you she's half Indian.

[Bobby Kelly]

I told you.

[Jay]

You didn't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want a fucking apology from you.

[Jacob]

I didn't think it was important to say it. I knew it, but I just didn't want to offer it up.

[Bobby Kelly]

But you attacked me like I was fucking outrageous.

[Jacob]

I did, and I apologize.

[Jay]

You already got the half Indian.

[Jacob]

Yeah, I knew that.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you lied to me and attacked me at the same time.

[Jacob]

I'm sorry.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me turn more Jewish. You lied to me and attacked me at the same time. How dare you. It's all we're going through right now in the world.

[Jay]

Heavens to Betsy.

[Bobby Kelly]

How dare you?

[Jay]

My heavens.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob. Jump in whenever you feel the need.

[Jay]

That's crazy. He was saying it complimentary from the get go. Yes, you took it as a. Oh, do you come from a long Line of like, yeah, this is America, and you don't fucking trust engines, so it makes you sick. You're sleeping with the enemy. You're dancing with wolves.

[Jacob]

Not Dances with wolves. Indian. It's.in the middle of the forehead Indian.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, it's not.

[Jay]

Oh, the smellier.

[Jacob]

Oh, See? See, this is why black is better than not.

[Bobby Kelly]

Whoa.

[Christine]

Wow.

[Bobby Kelly]

How dare you say they don't smell.

[Jay]

No, it's okay to say that.

[Bobby Kelly]

How dare you say that.

[Jacob]

I don't see race.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you do. You see it. You attack it. You try to date it.

[Jay]

You see when you're. You see when your milky white penis disappears into that sweet brown skin?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's right. You love looking. You love lying in. Be naked and looking over and seeing right down.

[Jay]

You can't even believe how pale you are. You get jealous sometimes. Think she's a ghost and don't realize that your own pale penis.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Such a contrast. I can't believe.

[Bobby Kelly]

It really is.

[Jay]

Yeah. Oh, man, that's got to be so fun to look at.

[Jacob]

It is great.

[Jay]

Yeah. Worse than two pasty people. And it just looks like everyone's sore. Everyone's getting red.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Everyone's getting blotched on their bodies. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

They'll have that red on their chest.

[Jay]

And everywhere, everywhere everyone is grabbed has a handprint on it.

[Bobby Kelly]

They bruise easy. Does she bruise you?

[Jacob]

No, she's very dainty.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow. I can't believe that I was complimenting her and you took it as an insult and you lied to my face because.

[Jacob]

Because Jay said at another time that she wasn't even American. So that's where I was coming from. I'm like, she's black American.

[Jay]

I thought she was a. I thought she was a British Chinese chick.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she's British Chinese.

[Jacob]

Turning Jacob on.

[Jay]

Jacob would love a British Chinese.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hello.

[Jay]

A Chinese lady who likes a gentleman.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah. A lady with an accent that bows.

[Jay]

Yeah. I gotta say, your silk rope, your silk robe game is underappreciated in Astoria, Queens. You have the. You have the clothing of a castle

[Bobby Kelly]

dweller, even though that's the only place you can get those silk roses.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, Queens Boulevard.

[Jay]

They're for drag queens. Oh, that is good.

[Christine]

Good stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, tell her I said hi and thank you for being honest. And she's a beautiful Indian slash black woman.

[Jay]

Tell her I said thank you. Come again. She'll know what it means.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank you.

[Jay]

So I say, have a nice day, my friend. She'll understand. Start and end every sentence with my friend. She'll get where you're coming from?

[Jacob]

She acts more black than she does Indian.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Jay]

My friend, we should go see New Edition.

[Jacob]

My friend, nothing about her is Indian as well.

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you mean she acts more black? What does that. What does that mean?

[Jacob]

She's black culture.

[Bobby Kelly]

What does that mean?

[Jacob]

She took me to New Edition concert, for Christ's sake.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, what else?

[Jay]

We're taking couple snake charming classes. That's Indian, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's Indian.

[Jacob]

She doesn't come with curry. She doesn't do any of that.

[Bobby Kelly]

You guys drink out of puddles? That's Indian.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Oh, my God. She just bought a special straw for the end of the world where you could sip out of puddles.

[Bobby Kelly]

I got two of them. You got it? Yeah, the life straw. It's called the Lifestyle. That's batshit. You know what it is? Yeah, I know exactly what it is.

[Jay]

I think filter straw's a good idea.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have two of them. One for me, one for Max Dawn.

[Jay]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Uptight bitch. You know I drink out of a puddle.

[Jay]

She laughed at you when you were gonna order it. Now. Now she doesn't get to drink water.

[Bobby Kelly]

She literally said we don't need it. Well, we'll find out when the end of the world comes. An old thirsty lips over there.

[Jay]

Yeah. Chapped lips.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Chap lip, honey.

[Jay]

Body shutting off from dehydration.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bobby, can I please get a sip of your straw? Nope.

[Christine]

Sorry.

[Jay]

Last laugh.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, go drink out of that turtle pond.

[Jay]

He who last laughs last.

[Christine]

Lou, how did that match come about? I mean, who was the dad? Her dad was Indian or.

[Jacob]

Yeah, her dad was Indian and her mom was black.

[Jay]

And they met at a beeper store where she was yelling at him over the counter.

[Bobby Kelly]

A beeper?

[Jay]

Holy Beeper Depot.

[Bobby Kelly]

All the young.

[Jay]

I come here because I can't get credit. I'm sorry, miss, you need to do the thing. How about I do a little something for you? How about I let you bust a baby up inside of me? Okay. Okay. Perhaps I could put the baby inside of you.

[Jacob]

She wanted me to correct you guys, and this is what she gets.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now. Let me ask you a question. Does her parents approve of you?

[Jacob]

They're both passed on to whatever gods they believe in.

[Jay]

Two separate ones.

[Bobby Kelly]

Two? One has seven hands.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And the other one is Jesus Christ. Yeah.

[Jay]

The other one's got cornrows.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's black.

[Jay]

Jesus. Yeah, yeah. Hair of wool.

[Jacob]

To answer your question, I don't have

[Bobby Kelly]

to deal with the parents, so you don't have. Thank God you don't have to go to India. That would suck.

[Jay]

My God. Can you imagine Lou in India?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God. Just. Have you seen the Indian street food people? Oh, God, It's. I don't. It's.

[Jay]

All the cars are just Suzuki Jeeps with no tops on them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, Indian street food is the grossest shit I've ever seen.

[Jay]

She took me to an Indian inside food.

[Jacob]

Yeah. She took me to an Indian restaurant, and I didn't make it home without having to shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Of course, now, that's not the. Get the one with the guy, he's in, like, literally just a door. Yeah, there you go. That one.

[Jay]

Ugh.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is that?

[Jay]

Disgusting.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, they use their feet.

[Jay]

Yeah, Foot bananas. Foot bananas.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then they flop it in and then they sprint. But they put, like 7,000 things on one thing.

[Jay]

Booger soup.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at the flies. Flies are everywhere.

[Jay]

Fly potatoes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, there you go. You.

[Christine]

That's not real.

[Jay]

I mean, this isn't real.

[Bobby Kelly]

Some of it is. That one. That one's not. That's enough. That's enough. The guy actually took an egg out of his balls and smashed it on the guy's hair.

[Jay]

One of his balls. Eggs.

[Bobby Kelly]

That guy's real. That's 100% real.

[Jay]

They're just catching a guy scratching himself.

[Bobby Kelly]

Scratching his deep.

[Jay]

Yeah, they're making it where it's like a guy, like, blows a snot rocket as part of the seasoning. It's like. That's not real.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's real. That's 100 real. It's called an Indian snot rocket sandwich.

[Jay]

All right, this guy's cutting up a pepper. He's putting a thing. He's cracking an egg. Okay, hang on. What is this thing? Keeps going by my ear. You guys hear that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Do you see this thing?

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, get some.

[Jay]

I don't know what this is. This fucking burnt pot eggs.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know what it is. It's just. It's like a.

[Jay]

It's just an omelet. Just a bad omelette.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, and then he's just slicing up a piece of bread, cutting all the crust off.

[Jay]

Okay, get some of that crust off. I'll be honest with you. So far, I'm not against this meal.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm just against his hands in the meal.

[Jay]

He's making chai French toast.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's no way he washed his hand. Oh, he's touching everything.

[Jay]

Oh, so now he's just putting a

[Bobby Kelly]

newspaper on it from, like, 19 fucking 72.

[Jay]

And he's chopping it up. Throwing a little bit of the schmutz on it.

[Bobby Kelly]

The hot stu.

[Jay]

Throwing The Shabbats. And then he just gives to a

[Bobby Kelly]

guy and there you go. Instant diarrhea.

[Jay]

That thing's not. That's the best thing that they've possibly done so far.

[Bobby Kelly]

Gross.

[Christine]

One I see the other.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, here you go. This guy right here is real. Okay. There you go. Just scooping. Scooping it out of a thing.

[Jay]

A fucking leaf. It's disgusting.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but look at the ground he's on. Yeah, it's gross.

[Jay]

Absolutely. But they will say the heat that they're cooking it over will burn off all the disgusting.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, most of the bacteria will burn

[Jay]

off from all the disgusting. Gnarly Indian bullshit will just come off.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, this guy's going to eat it. Yeah.

[Jay]

And I could say that because one of my best friends is fucking an Indian.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's right. I could say that, too.

[Jay]

Yeah. One of my close friends is an Indian.

[Bobby Kelly]

One of my inner circle is an Indian.

[Jay]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank you. Thank you, Lou.

[Jay]

That's why he's an inner circle. You did the ceremony where you guys. Whoever lets go of each other's wiener first is gay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's called the elephant. Yeah, it's called the elephant.

[Jay]

Whoever lets go first is gay. Because once you let go, there's just a guy holding your dick.

[Bobby Kelly]

We were both. We were both gay, by the way.

[Jay]

You both let go at the same time.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then we kissed, which made it really gay. Remember that? Remember that, Lou? Remember we made out?

[Jay]

This guy's too American to be eating whatever he's eating.

[Christine]

This other one where I see. Where it's just rats.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, the guy around. The guy's just cooking. He's making these sandwiches. But there's like 700 ingredients. And it just keeps going back to this sloppy sauce. And there's just rats all around him.

[Jay]

How about the strangely cute.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, look right there.

[Jay]

But the strangely cute Indian chick who makes things out in a field with a gigantic, like, walk. And she just makes things in there.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't see her.

[Jay]

She's great.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

How about the guy that throws shit on people's shoes? And the other guy walks up and goes, hey, you got shit on your shoes. There's a guy over there that clean off of people's shoes. And then he goes over and gets his shoes cleaned by the shit shoe guy. But they all work as a team guy. Swear to God. Guy walks around with shit in a cup and flicks it on people's shoes. And then another guy goes, yeah, you get shit on your shoe. And then the other guy cleans it.

[Jay]

Then they take the shit, throw it in the soup.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was thinking about.

[Jay]

Oh, there you go. A little rat potato pie.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God. They're in the fucking. The dish.

[Jay]

Yes. Dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Jay]

That way the shit's fresh, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

True that.

[Jay]

You don't want old dry rat dookies. You want fresh weddies.

[Bobby Kelly]

The old drought. The old dry one is the one that gets you sick. The fresh ones.

[Jay]

Christine, look up. Girl cooking giant wok.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's ratchet, is like a probiotic. A natural probiotic. Am I correct?

[Jay]

I think.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think so. Doesn't Rogan use that?

[Jay]

He said it supports gut health.

[Christine]

This is your girlfriend's heritage.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's smoking.

[Jacob]

I'm okay with it.

[Jay]

Yeah, this is my chick.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's funny. A cobra's gonna bite her from the back, though.

[Jay]

She makes me happy with the things she does. She.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. This is nice and clean, though.

[Christine]

I'm attracted to her.

[Bobby Kelly]

Of course you are. You're attracted to lose girls.

[Jay]

What you're saying, go to another one of these. There's always just a attractive chick cooking in a field with a gigant. A gigantic pot. Yeah, she's great.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's the only one of those in all of India. The pot the only clean cooking.

[Jay]

She's deep frying bananas. Skin on. Jacob. What's she gonna do? I'll tell you what, though, and I mean this. Her hair goes down her inner thighs.

[Christine]

I don't think so.

[Jay]

I think so.

[Christine]

I think she is. She's. She's camera ready.

[Jay]

Yeah. Oh, no.

[Christine]

She's an influencer.

[Jay]

No, they do their faces up for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

They're green bananas, though. They're not even ripe.

[Jay]

Let her finish.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sorry.

[Jay]

God, you hate other cultures.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love other cultures.

[Jay]

Now you have to clean them with dish soap.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Jay]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

This is gross.

[Jay]

No, this is the way it go. Look, she's being cleaner than anything we've seen before. She's not making foot bananas. Remember foot bananas from the place you wanted to go?

[Bobby Kelly]

I do. Like a nice foot banana.

[Jay]

A little foot mash banana.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I love when a little flake from the toenail comes off in it.

[Jay]

Dude, we should all. We should both tell our kids, Bobby. That when they were younger that we. It's like. Yeah. How do you think we mashed up your food? Like for the baby food?

[Bobby Kelly]

Their feet.

[Jay]

No, we didn't want to buy. The jarred stuff has preservatives and stuff in it. So we just wanted to make it ourselves. So you tell what they tell you to do. You mush it with your foot. It's good for the baby.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's good for the baby.

[Jay]

You say, oh, look at this. Now she's shaving. Fucking.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, this is the one.

[Jay]

Deep fried bananas.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is the one. That takes forever to get to the stand. It's never worth it.

[Jay]

Here's what I'm talking about. When he just comes out here and just throws some shit in fucking oil.

[Bobby Kelly]

She throws egg in hot oil and if you it cooks it immediately, then

[Jay]

she swaps it around. Suck a dick, Gordon Ramsay. These are the best eggs I've ever seen.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

All right. Well, they turn. They turn the shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she overcooked.

[Jay]

Okay, hang on. You guys getting that? Are you guys catching that?

[Bobby Kelly]

No. What is it?

[Jay]

You guys aren't getting that? I know it's.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's wrong? See it?

[Jay]

I can get it if it. Hold on. What's happening?

[Bobby Kelly]

Go back to disgusting Indian food.

[Jay]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go back to the majority.

[Jay]

Did you happen to peek and see if new episodes of Comics Unleashed are up?

[Lou]

I did, and when I googled it says that they're on Paramount plus. But then when I try to find it on Paramount plus, nothing shows up. And nothing shows up on Disney.

[Jay]

I would say look on Hulu because,

[Lou]

well, I was on Disney plus, which is the same cbs.

[Jay]

Sure. It was on that.

[Jacob]

It's not on any streaming, I think,

[Bobby Kelly]

just hard to find.

[Lou]

But it says if you say like, where can I find it? If you google that, it says it's streaming on Paramount plus.

[Jay]

Go back to Paramount plus again. Comics Unleashed search.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nope, we couldn't find it.

[Jay]

Might type in Byron Allen.

[Lou]

I did that too.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think he buys that time on the channel.

[Jay]

He does.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think he just buys that hour on the channel.

[Jay]

He'll take the money from some other,

[Bobby Kelly]

but he doesn't allow them to use it on their platform. Like he owns that hour and owns all the commercials.

[Jay]

Go to actual Hulu. I don't know why I feel like it might be different.

[Bobby Kelly]

We should save a half a million dollars and buy an hour of TV time on CBS late night and let's

[Jay]

do a show called Comics Leashed.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jay]

Where it's the same show but everyone's on a leash. So they can't stand up like Bobby so they don't look back on their careers.

[Bobby Kelly]

Every time I try to stand up, you pull me down.

[Jay]

Yeah. Love you. I bounce on the bit. Can you imagine if in the middle of that he went crap cuz he

[Bobby Kelly]

got yanked back and you're like leashed comics.

[Jay]

This comics just been leashed. Oh my Fucking Christ.

[Lou]

There's a problem here, but Disney plus I can access and it's like Hulu is one of the options. So I don't think it would show up differently because this is Hulu right here.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

What we're trying to. We. We've watched comics unleash the old one. Now there's the new one. And we're trying to find out if they've changed the show at all for the better. Is that correct, Jay?

[Jay]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Science.

[Christine]

Tune in Thursday.

[Bobby Kelly]

I say Thursday. Don't tune in. I say Thursday. Take a day off from the show.

[Jay]

There's a show called Surviving Jeffrey Epstein. What did he do?

[Bobby Kelly]

He. You know what? You're gonna have to watch it.

[Jay]

Check that out. Is that good?

[Bobby Kelly]

It was good.

[Jay]

Well, interesting.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. He had a lot of fun.

[Jay]

I think they would say Jeffrey Epsteinic. I used to come to comedy shows a lot. Dude, great. Hang on. What do you think the problem is?

[Lou]

Okay, so something's going on. Even. It's. It's saying that there's viewing restrictions because.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look.

[Lou]

See how this says what I just see? See how this says Paramount plus YouTube, but then you click on this and it says that we can't see it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

What's going on? Let's get to the bottom of this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Come on, Christine, you gotta investigate. Sleuth it.

[Lou]

It's these goddamn computer settings.

[Christine]

Who were the comics in this that are in the new show?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, Paul Verse, he did an episode.

[Jay]

I'm excited to see that.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's a couple people, I think Mike Feeney, some.

[Christine]

Is it tape here in New York?

[Bobby Kelly]

It tapes in Los Angeles where Byron lives.

[Jay]

It's in Los Angeles. The only place in the world where you can take somebody seriously when they give you a transition like he does. Jacob, I understand you like performance. Fleece Bobby, take it away.

[Christine]

Tune in Thursday. Bobby makes his own transition.

[Jay]

Bobby starts transitioning himself.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. Because I learned from the master of transitions, B. Allen, and I transitioned myself into my own jokes because that's where. That's why I do the comics unleashed. The first episode, I got the hang of it. The second episode, I really honed in on the show.

[Jay]

Have you looked desperately on YouTube?

[Bobby Kelly]

It makes me sick that Jay didn't do it. Oh, would it make me so happy just to see Jay doing bits?

[Christine]

I had no idea. I mean, you said this for the pre two, but you did two in one day.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you got to go in and do two in one day.

[Christine]

So you learn transitions in. In one taping.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know what happened. To me, I was on the second tape and I know that I was tired and in a daze. John Witherspoon really tuckers you out.

[Jay]

He is taxing.

[Bobby Kelly]

I feel very taxing. Really tuckered me.

[Jay]

Always be closing, Pops.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. At one point I just following the shark in the background.

[Jay]

Oh, yeah, it's behind Byron. Out. Oh, I would get lost in that fish tank. Yeah, that's for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Which I think the shark represents Byron. And where are the little fish that disappear?

[Jay]

Absolutely. And I would tell you this. At one point, in lieu of laughing at Kathy Ladman's routine about her husband, you were leaning back to look at the shark.

[Bobby Kelly]

Most fascinating shock.

[Jay]

You were looking around her. They showed that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've never seen a shark in captivity, Jay. It was fascinating to me.

[Jay]

And they had to keep you. What they had to do, though, is they had to keep you on the side with her on both episodes. Because if you were on. No, if you were on Gabriel and Glacier's side with your spastic hand gestures, I'm worried you may have caught the side of your hand in what we would call his chin ass.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, people would just be drawn to that heavy side.

[Jay]

Yeah. What was that? It looks. You had it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You had it.

[Lou]

I'm trying to get to the most recent episodes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Vamping. We are vamping. We are vamping. Vamping.

[Jay]

Vamping.

[Christine]

Be great if they reunited the original

[Jay]

panel, got the crew back together.

[Bobby Kelly]

You did it again. Two of us. Two of them are dead, I think.

[Jay]

Is Kathy Ladman dead?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I have. No. I haven't seen her in a long.

[Jay]

Pops is dead for sure. Can't get Pops back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Pops is dead. Coordinate.

[Jay]

Yeah. John Witherspoon's very much dead.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Jay]

Kathy Ladman probably still hanging in there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hanging in there with somebody.

[Jay]

Any late. Any late. Ladman.

[Lou]

Let's find out.

[Christine]

Out.

[Jacob]

Yes, she's alive.

[Jay]

How old?

[Christine]

71, she said. I know that. Cuz she said on the show that she was 51.

[Jacob]

Oh, aren't you the mathematician heads over here?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Oh, my God.

[Jay]

Oh, she did a dry bar. I think it's a terrible name for a comedy thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dry bar. Yeah. Well, not if you're a recovering alcoholic.

[Jay]

Right one. It's also super clean comedy because they assume if you're sober, you're also a queef who's afraid of curse words.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, now. Hey, now.

[Jay]

No, they assume that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hang on now.

[Jay]

No, no, you're. You're to the contrary. But the world takes that in.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I'm sober with Alcohol and drugs. But with comedy. I'm drunk.

[Jay]

Let's hear a little lad. I want to hear a little admin. That's why we're on the comedy channels.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you. Do you. You want to hear. You want to hear some jokes out of this blouse lady?

[Jay]

Yeah, like this. Not when I go home. Not ruining my own time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ruining the listeners time. All right, let's hear. I bet she was actually huge back in the day. She was big for a minute back in the year. Yeah. I swear to God, back in the late 80s, early 90s.

[Jay]

She was big.

[Bobby Kelly]

She was one of the big ones.

[Jay]

She was just touring.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, there was no. She was. She was a big comic when there was no. There was hardly any lady comics.

[Jay]

Kathy Ladman.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

When. I mean, I could name all the one. The. Rita Rudner's. Paula Poundstone got big.

[Bobby Kelly]

She was one of those.

[Jay]

Never really got big, but she was like one of the go to girls in all like those, like, girl like compilation things. Women of the Night we said we watched with Martin Short as the host.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Isn't it funny that they all are the same lady? Like all those ladies you just mentioned are kind of the same looking. Same thing.

[Jay]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's weird. Like, that was a woman comic back.

[Jay]

It's why Ellen DeGeneres stood out. And we didn't realize it at the time because she was a guy the whole time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right. Hear it.

[Jay]

Or at least a bullish lesbian.

[Bobby Kelly]

Foolish. What the. Did you get that one? Someone.

[Jay]

Even the way she's holding the mic now, it just makes me feel. It's unsettling in the sense, like, it looks like it's effort for her now. She didn't think she was gonna have to still be hitting the road.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

With Full Gray.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

She thought by then she'd be sitting on easy street and she would perform when she wanted to. Like Joan Rivers.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

But instead she's doing dry bar specials.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Does she have a heavy touring schedule, I wonder. Look up Ladman's touring schedule, if you wouldn't mind.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you know, she doesn't have a heavy menstrual system.

[Jay]

No, no, no. Those days are over. She doesn't worry about that at all. Yeah, no, she's G to G on that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I'm hot now.

[Jay]

You're having a hot flash. Okay. She reminds me a lot of my grandmother.

[Bobby Kelly]

She probably plays a lot of theaters and casinos.

[Jay]

I see she's doing Moon Tower.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she's like an alternative darling.

[Jay]

No, whatever you're saying is crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's an alternative darling of society.

[Jay]

Well, she's doing. She's promoting spots.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's a alternative darling of the world. Jay. Dude, she's got five shows.

[Jay]

Five shows on deck.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but you guys take care of her grandkids.

[Jay]

Oh, my. Hang on. Oh, she does comedy coaching.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, let's take it.

[Jay]

I'd like to. Let's see this. If you're funny and you're stuck, I can help to unstick you and help you to be funnier. The balls. The fucking balls, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

We should.

[Jay]

You can't make anybody funnier.

[Bobby Kelly]

We should get Voss to start teaching comedy.

[Jay]

Oh, I think we say we should get her in the class.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, we should get Voss to start teaching comedy classes.

[Christine]

She has testimonials.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know how great it would be to take a class from Rich Voss?

[Jay]

Oh, my God. Yeah, you're gonna have to have those fucking Covid plastic things in front of you while he's talking.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right. Put these on.

[Jay]

Yeah. He goes, boy, I hope nobody gets a B, a C or a D. I hope everybody gets A's because the only thing he won't spit on them on. She does some comedy zoom. Coaching group.

[Bobby Kelly]

We have a special guest. Very funny. She's my wife.

[Jay]

My wife. If you're funny and you're stuck, I can help to unstick you and help you to be funnier. That is balls like a motherfucker. Whether you're starting out in stand up or an accomplished veteran. Wow.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Jay]

If you're an accomplished veteran, you should fucking help.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's take it. See what we can do.

[Jay]

Whether you need help with delivery, finding your voice, or just a boost of self confidence, Non judgmental and fun and lots of experience. Contact her about coaching. And then there's some testimonials, if you wouldn't mind. Kathy helped me expand many of my half finished bits and gave me a few hilarious tags. Her calm and this is fucking crazy. Her calm and encouraging analytic approach to building a joke is killer. When our session was over, I had a new five minutes that worked on stage booking again. So comedy coaching is just so. This is like acting coaching, which was. Can I say something? This is gonna be a little anti my own point here because I think this is utter horseshit. This is utter and utter complete horseshit what you're doing here. However, I will say when I did get to a thing out in LA where they called me to come out to LA to audition for a thing, like the third audition or whatever it was, when I got there, Kimowitz was panicky and he was definitely like. He's like, let me go. Let me book you like an acting coach. So just. They'll just go through that scene with you and just go meet with him like two hours before the audition. So you have it. All right. I was like, okay. And I went to some lady's house and I will say she helped 100.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have an acting coach.

[Jay]

What she did was helpful.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've had the same acting coach for 30 years. God, no. Pete Kelly, my acting. My first acting teacher in Boston is. No, not really. Non related. He's still my. He taught me a bunch of dumb mix.

[Jay]

You're all related somehow, you incestuous freaks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, no. That. Why are you gonna hurt my feelings? Where'd that came from? I'm agreeing with you.

[Jay]

I didn't like being wrong about the uncle thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're not wrong about the uncle. He is my uncle.

[Jay]

All right. Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Told me you didn't want to.

[Jay]

He.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he's great. I mean, acting is a different thing though. Acting. You need somebody to kind of watch you and give you a little. Comedy is. You can't. How do you take advice from somebody? You gotta just go on and do it.

[Jay]

You have to go on and do it. And the thing is, if you can't find the instincts of it, I don't think that can be taught. What you can do to be helpful to people is direct, like kind of like see what their thoughts are like in talking to them and how their funny is. And you can kind of see, like, because everyone does the same thing. Like when you. Autobiographical. None of that means anything.

[Bobby Kelly]

None of it.

[Jay]

You could just be the fucking greatest observational comic. David Tell has nothing personal on stage. Anything he says personal is made up, right? Completely. Because he's just making the funniest joke, you know, I mean, and then you got like a chappelle who's all like, you know, a little bit of his life, but very little of his life and mostly observation about like, you know, world. So it's just like, there's so. And then there's prop comedy. There's like, you know what I used to do?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, where you started your roots.

[Jay]

My roots in. I thought my roots were in black comedy. Turns out it was, bro. It was prop comedy. And then I. And then I wove into black comedy as I realized the props weren't working as much.

[Bobby Kelly]

You did black prop comedy. The hardest prop comedy.

[Jay]

That's the hardest prop comedy there is.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's the hardest prop comedy there is. With this little weenus you might get killed.

[Jay]

Everybody ready to laugh now? Thank you, Jamie. Jamie's stoked for me.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what these days feel like? Everything costs more. Groceries, gas, bills. It all adds up. And we've all felt the pressure of trying to make our money stretch a little further. I'm always going over the budgets and what I can buy and my wife's you don't need it. We can't get it. It's a real tough thing to actually take care of what you're spending, have a savings. It's just rough out there for everyone. So when the tax refund hits and you're thinking, what's the best way to keep more in your pocket without giving something up? Well, here's the real life hack for you. Switch Metro and Save with no activation fees and get one line of 5G for only 25 bucks. Yup, only 25 bucks. And no contracts that get in the way. The best thing, you can keep the phone you love and keep your number. That's a lot of ands, but that's exactly the point. Get that more for your money feeling only at Metro. Visit your local store on metrobytmobile.com and switch today $30 first month, $25 after. With and Doug. There's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show. Hey, everyone, Check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date? Oh, no.

[Jay]

We help people customize and save on

[Bobby Kelly]

car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league. Anyways, only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty. Liberty.

[Christine]

Liberty.

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Jay]

Oh, thank you. Easy. And the boys at NWA that made me feel better. It's been a rough couple days. I mean, obviously crazy news. Should acknowledge that Ron Bennington came back on the air today.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

And was fucking awesome as always. As best as you ever could have handled something like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't believe how funny the three of them are.

[Jay]

Got emotional for a second.

[Bobby Kelly]

The three of them are so great.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, I think Stanley was one of the things made me laugh out loud, said, you know, from. What do you say? He said something about being a third. Third something.

[Jay]

Oh, third party.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. He goes from a third party. Looking out, looking in. And Ron just quickly he goes, I would consider you more of a second party. I mean, you know, Gail was like, yeah, you're not a third party. You're kind of in the mix, man. But they didn't say first. They said the second party. It's. He's just so funny, man. So funny.

[Jay]

No, I mean he was making essentially a cancer announcement and he started the show. They say the. The only father daughter radio show in the history of radio.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Or it was a. And he said something. He started the show. He goes Would that say the greatest. The only father daughter radio show in the history of radiation? Seems like timely.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. It's funny because they were going through all the comedians messages and I was. I was in the middle of sending. I sent one to debate because I didn't want to. I didn't want, you know, my stupid

[Jay]

face wouldn't like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I didn't mind. I didn't want to bother him during all this.

[Jay]

You feel like you couldn't bother him because you're not that close to him like that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I'm. I'm the third. I'm a third.

[Jay]

Third party.

[Bobby Kelly]

Third party. I'm definitely. Maybe a fifth. Maybe a third party. But I was in the middle of sending him a message. I was just gonna send, hey, man, I'm thinking of whatever you need, whatever. And I. I was like. But then he started reading other comics and I was like, it looks like

[Jay]

you're trying to get in.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was like, ah, I gotta write something funny. What if you. What if he reads it?

[Jay]

Somebody who. I couldn't remember who was called in to say they were going to get into the mix of like, oh, everyone's. All the comics for me. I want to be on the list.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jay]

People who got in there, what do you see?

[Lou]

Did you hear when they read Joe List comment or in like the comic section to who's who?

[Bobby Kelly]

The comedy world?

[Lou]

And Gail was like, why does that

[Bobby Kelly]

make me feel good? It was like, blue check, blue check. Oh, my God.

[Jay]

We don't get to see Salvo Canner that much.

[Bobby Kelly]

So funny, man. I mean, I. Dude, you know me, I'd be a. I would just be sucking up at all. Jay.

[Jay]

I think I can go be funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, for sure.

[Jay]

Under the times where it's time to be funny on the microphone and stuff. But I feel like my down time would be morbid. I take all. And that's why I love. I love that Ron's taking the song where it's like, we're gonna do everything we can and we're gonna fight this thing. And I think, you know, yeah, I think he's gonna beat it. But that's how I feel outwardly for other people. Myself, I would be like. I'm like, I'm gonna come laughing every day and then nobody look at me. I'm gonna go back to a cave or something, right? I. I throw a cloak over myself like this. And I just want to be alone and cry and think about everything.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, black out all the windows. Christine would have to bring your soup Down.

[Jay]

Oh, Christine's far, long gone.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah. There's no way Christine be like, I'm out. I'm gonna deal with this horseshit.

[Jay]

Oh, there's no. Yeah. Well, I've thrown her out like an Phantom of the Opera style, like get away for own good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lou]

He doesn't know I'm just another room.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, he was. Yeah. He's so funny, man. He was. I didn't know what to expect when I turned it on. I thought I was going to be all. All set, you know what I mean? But I had a feeling. Funny cracking up.

[Jay]

Yeah. I had a feeling he was going to approach it, like, to be. Which is good. That's what he. That's what he does.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. But he's with the best at it. He's the best.

[Jay]

But, you know, he said some things that were, like, emotional a little bit and stuff. I mean, but again, I. I don't. I. I said I didn't. Like a few people didn't. Like. It felt too much. Lamenting a bit. He's, like, almost eulogizing the situation.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

He's saying things like, I've had an amazing run on radio. Goes, yeah, you're still on it. You're still on radio.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. And he's. I. Like when he said him and his wife, when they. When they. When the doctors told him that he had cancer, they just took it like, no, they're just. Yeah. They had no reaction.

[Jay]

They.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, you're supposed to have this. Oh, my God. And they were just like, okay, yeah.

[Jay]

Like, what's the next step? I guess.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. They were just like, all right, well,

[Jay]

I think that's what you do in the office. I think I go, okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'd suck dawn of all her fucking life.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Even if it was. Even if it was, like, curable cancer. No, we're gonna cure it. I'd be like, don, I'm sick. I don't feel well. Can you get my slipp?

[Christine]

She hates you.

[Jay]

Oh, that's funny. So you want the.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, she. Don would leave me in five seconds if I got the flu. If I got co. She'd walk away.

[Jay]

You need the doting. I'm the opposite. I don't want to be doted on.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to be doted. I want my back rubbed.

[Jay]

I want to go into a hl and just sit there and go and think of all the reasons why God's taking me.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to be. I don't deserve it. I want. I want to be in a cold shower and Don has to get wet too.

[Jay]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. She has to bathe you. I want to have anybody bathe me. I'm going to be sitting contemplating why God's decided to send me to hell where I belong.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to be bathed, I want to be fed. I want it all.

[Jay]

I'll get gaunt and I'm going to get gaunt and then have a milky eye. It's going to scare people when I do once in a while when I travel, when I traverse the city in

[Bobby Kelly]

the rain, I want to. I want a fresh cold face cloth every 20 minutes on my forehead.

[Jay]

Yeah. I don't want that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don hates taking my temperature. I'd be like, take my temperature. She come over and just feel my head. You're fine. You don't. You're not a thermometer bitch. Stick it in my mouth.

[Jay]

I'm gonna play records constantly of dramatic instrument solos, like just cello solos, while I sit and think about why I'm being sent to hell.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to push the bed closer to the windows and have it open so I can hear. And I'm gonna look out and her, when she walks in, I'm just.

[Jay]

Two approaches. Two approaches. But we're both hoping to live.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I mean, you know, one of us, probably both of us is gonna get sick someday.

[Jay]

Oh, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah. I mean, my feet feel wet when I eat chocolate cake.

[Jay]

Both of us are gonna have to put on a good face on an episode one day.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

So people are gonna go, he's taking it really well. He was really fun.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I hope it's me first. I don't want to hear these shitty fans. Him too.

[Jay]

Like calling. When they just call in with a product, it's just gonna be Bobby. No, man, I'm still here.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to see Jim Phantom League go talk to you outside instead of me. Oh, sorry, Bob.

[Jay]

You're still here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ah, all right. Yeah, he. He really is. He. You know what he is? He's a man. He's a real man. Yeah, he's funny, but he is a God damn man, dude. He. Yeah, no, he just. Just comes on, gets the news yesterday and is like, yeah, I'm gonna be home, but just turn the mics on and like, it didn't even seem like anything. It seemed. It was just a hilarious show talking about what it is with his daughter. I felt, you know, she was crying a little bit. That, that, that, that me up. You know what I mean? Hearing, hearing. Anytime I hear a woman cry, it just me up. I can't take it.

[Jay]

Oh, it sucks.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I can't go to therapy with Don. She just cries. I'm like, you win. I'm an.

[Jay]

That's. Yeah, I see the crying. I'm just kind of like, okay, I'm wrong. You're right.

[Christine]

It was manly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Manly.

[Jay]

You know, it's hilarious. Have you ever heard women get angry at other women crying, though? Because they say it's a manipulative tactic? I remember it was so funny when me and Carla lived with or right before we moved in with Kurt and Jessica. We were getting this apartment, and it was like. It just got decided for some reason that Kurt and Jessica would have the bigger room. And I was never lived on my own before. So if it makes sense in my mind, I was just kind of like, I don't care. I just want it, like, you know?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

I'm like, I also don't live in a bedroom. I'm like, the living room is kind of what I give a shit about. Which Kurt also ruined. Also, which was hilarious.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, how do you ruin the living room?

[Jay]

Well, because when we were moving in and they were moving into their bigger bedroom, they had no bed. And Carla told them that the bed that or the couches that she brought in, one's a couch bed. It's a love seat and a couch bed. And so if they want to use the couch bed until they get a bed, like, you know, go for it. And they never did. And God bless him, I couldn't imagine of how good that couch bed would have been, because if you sat on it, it felt like shit as a couch. It was so uncomfortable as a couch that I never even sat on it. I sat exclusively in the love seat because of how uncomfortable that couch was. And then after six months or whatever it was of curtin me, it's all lasted six months of living together. I. He goes, hey, man. He goes, we're all cleared out of the other room there. He goes. And I put the cushion. I put the cushion back in the couch. What's that? He goes, you said when we would. That we could use the. So what they did was they went in and took the mattress thing off of the couch bed and just put the couch back like it was in there. So when we were sitting on hard metal underneath the shitty cushion, because Kurt took the bed out and used it as a floor mat for the entire time we lived together. It was crazy. That was crazy. But when we were. We were accepting the small room, it was because when they were first going, me and Kurt were both kind of like, I don't really care. And then Kurt's going sort of crying about how she's always been small rooms and she's never had it. And then I was like, I said the Carla kind of thing. I was just like, just like you. I'm like, like, I don't know. She's crying. Like, who gives a that much? Like, just take the bigger room. And she goes, I could cry too. Do you want me to just start crying to do things like she said? I was like, oh, you don't believe her cries? She goes, oh, I've never had a big room. And it's just, get the out of here. And I was like, damn, I'm over here falling for it, going like, no, no, crying girl. No. Yeah, there's a kind of, I still hate it.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's kind of a weird thing to do, though, as an adult. I never had a big room.

[Lou]

Well, to be fair, they were like 20.

[Bobby Kelly]

Still. That's an adult.

[Jay]

22, 20.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not supposed to have a big room until you have.

[Jay]

She was even older. She was probably 25. Either way, it was ridiculous to behave like that for sure. No, it was probably, it was probably manipulative, for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jay]

They were like, you have to understand, Kurt and her were like, they were those people that lived their lives like a vagrant life, you know what I mean? Like, they figure out a way to eat, figure out a way to get money up somehow, you know what I mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you mean, figure out a way to eat?

[Jay]

You find a way. Like there's just some way she could figure angle some way to do it. She was like that kind of, she was like a scammer chick, you know what I mean? She kind of like, figure out ways to just make things. She knew somebody who knew somebody who could hook up this rice. She did weird stripping, but it was like bikini place, right? Stripping. And then like, Kurt worked at Funko Land for a minute and I got a job at Funko Land for like two days with him for a minute.

[Bobby Kelly]

Funko Land, Funko Pops.

[Jay]

No, it was video games.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, video games. Okay.

[Jay]

It was the old, like before it was Gamestop, okay, Funko Land, right? And we got a job there anyways, but yeah, they never, none of us had any money.

[Bobby Kelly]

I missed, though, living with a comic. I, I, There was nothing better than coming home after sets and like, a comic was hanging out. Just shoot the.

[Jay]

Well, Kurt me never had too much of. Kurt was just like a Herman who played video games in his room. So he would just literally sit in there and play for like, like 18 hours a day sometimes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow.

[Jay]

Derosa and me had some great times living together and. And Fenoia. Yeah, had a lot of laughs just when me and Fenoy were like roommates. That was great.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, me and Billy had a lot of laughs when we lived together. I love living. I mean we used to fight a lot. It was two of the same temper. So any. Anything would set us off and like physically. We'd physically go at was kind of more on the.

[Jacob]

Don't want to do this audio.

[Bobby Kelly]

Very, very similar to that on occasions. Bro, Bro.

[Jay]

Don't call my girl a, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

You go my girl a. Yeah, he was. He's a. He's a hothead. I'm a hothead. But DeRosa and me used to live right next to each other. We used to hang out like every day. I used to love hanging out with DeRose. Like the. Me and him are like the pope at Greenwich Village. You just walk around and go shop

[Jay]

to shop your leather jackets and you're for different reasons, ill fitting leather jackets.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was when I had my three quarter length.

[Jay]

Yeah. Bobby was fat and wore tight leather jackets. Joe, the Rosa was not fat but wore jackets that were too tight for him still.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he looks like somebody steamed him smaller.

[Jay]

Joe would have like Frankenstein wrists coming out of fucking when his. His arms were down.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jay]

That's supposed to happen when you lift your arms maybe.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. We were two idiots. We used to walk around like we were New Yorkers. We go to one shop to get a like a loaf of bread. We go to another shop and get like meats.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go to another shop and get like

[Jay]

peppers to cut up an apple while you were walking with a switchblade.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, we go. We go over to where, you know where we park that little park. We go over there and lay everything out and just shoot the. And he'd be making a sandwich and then we'd split the sandwich. Have some type of New York City, huh?

[Jay]

Yeah, it's crazy out here in these streets. You gotta take some time for yourself, you know what I mean? Make a sandwich with your friend.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just two douches on a stoop.

[Jay]

I remember me and Bobby Mozzarella when hanging out

[Bobby Kelly]

the Amish market.

[Jay]

We called him Joey Sandwiches.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who knew, who knew where it would go? Who knew he'd have a sandwich shop them? They were sponsored by the wits. I walked by that shop and I

[Jay]

looks to myself and I says every time I walk by, go.

[Bobby Kelly]

He did it. Son of a did it. He did it. He made it good. Joey Rose's damn made it good, so. And as soon as he made it good, he moved to another place.

[Jay]

He got out of there just in time to never run his own sandwich place. And now look over the sandwiches and probably start saying things like, whatever's cheapest, Paulie. Whatever's cheapest. I don't give a. No more.

[Bobby Kelly]

Back in the day, we got the most expensive gabagool.

[Jay]

You got the gabagool. There's two gods. They struck your tail.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, we had a lot of good times. Single life. Forgot. I forgot all about single life. Such a.

[Jay]

You were single. You lived next to Joe.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, well. Yeah, I was. Well, I wasn't single, but I was with dawn, but we weren't married, so I considered single.

[Jay]

You lived like you were.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Did you live together?

[Bobby Kelly]

Me and Dawn, We've lived together. Yeah, we lived.

[Narrator/Announcer]

We.

[Bobby Kelly]

We lived on the high rise, and then we bought the apartment. But Don let me. Don was. She let me just do it. She knew. Just let me. She let me go and do whatever the. I wanted to. I didn't. We didn't hang. Like, now we spend time together. Now I can't. I can't wait to get home and. Hey, what are we watching? I'm a. I'm a kept now.

[Lou]

She's also always busy, too.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, right. Well, it's so weird, because relationships. Like, she was busy. She had, like, two jobs. But, like, back then, I didn't. She wanted to be with me, and I wanted to be hanging out with Joe. You know, being in New York and making sandwiches and. And doing shows, and now I want to be with her. She wants nothing to do with me.

[Jay]

She's like, go make sandwiches with your friends. I'm busy, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

I realized this morning I'm. I'm finished. When I creamed my feet was that I put moisturizer cream on my feet this morning before I put my socks on.

[Jay]

I do that 100 of days.

[Lou]

Yeah, that's good.

[Jay]

Right?

[Lou]

Before you put your socks on. Maybe more like before bed and don't put socks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I read you're supposed to put your stock.

[Jay]

That's not true. That's what I do every day.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Creamy feet. And then you put. Put the socks on.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Dude, I've never creamed my feet ever. But now I'm cree. I cream my.

[Jay]

I cream my feet every day.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've never done it in my life. I just. Men don't cream their feet.

[Jay]

This man does.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have to have hard feet in case you have to run out outside in a fire or somebody.

[Jay]

I cream my feet and I hit like this.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Jay]

I just want you to know, I do both things could be possible. I cream my feet and I also hit like this.

[Bobby Kelly]

I felt so old this morning, rubbing cream on my feet.

[Jay]

Dude, my feet are totally creamed right now. And watch this.

[Christine]

You don't want to have, like.

[Jay]

Jacob, here, put the sticker in your mouth. I'm gonna show you my creamy feet.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

All right. Missed.

[Bobby Kelly]

You missed again.

[Jay]

I missed, but smelled great, right?

[Christine]

Yes.

[Jay]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

What'd you say?

[Christine]

You don't want, like, those crusty old man feet, so it's better to do what you're doing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I was getting these little. These little things on my feet, these hard little calluses. Little cat that hurt. And I would have to cut, like, dig him out.

[Jay]

You may have had. Dude, I had to get this handled a while back. It took months to go away. I started waking up, and when I would walk, like, to go to the bathroom or something, it. Like in the mornings particularly, it would hurt so much because I was, like, barefoot or something. And then I looked, and it had a middle to it. Yes, it had, like.

[Bobby Kelly]

But they're real. They're really.

[Jay]

You're looking at sand. Don't look at that. Look at bottom of the foot wart.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Planters.

[Jay]

Is that what it is?

[Jacob]

I've had it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

It does hurt. And it takes forever to get rid of.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

It comes to fix it, there's like a round band aid with acid or something in the middle that will help you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just pick them out. I. I have a little razor that I use.

[Jay]

I use straight razor. Yeah, Multiple times. Take it down there, like, whatever. You're eventually gonna put medicine on it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jacob]

It's so deep. You gotta.

[Jay]

My mind that's. Honest to God. It's almost identically that thing. And it's got killed when you walked on.

[Jacob]

Like, you're walking on a rock.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. What is it? I have a war. How'd I get a ward on my.

[Jacob]

And you already have plant.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's mine, right, Bob, I have plantar fasciitis. And then I have a ligament that got you.

[Jay]

You needed lotion years ago, but this is I lotion.

[Bobby Kelly]

Mine's not that bad. Mine's like.

[Jay]

I gotta tell you what I got. I lotioned my feet and I still got that wart. I just didn't know what the.

[Bobby Kelly]

How do you get them?

[Christine]

Pick those up.

[Jay]

I don't know how I got viral. Oh, it is okay. I guess I'm so. Then a. It's a hotel.

[Bobby Kelly]

Probably a hotel shower.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

So somebody had it and I got it.

[Christine]

Probably carpet.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I gotta put medicine on it.

[Jay]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I don't have to hpv. What?

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

What are you talking.

[Lou]

It's warts on your feet.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's from eating with my feet.

[Lou]

That's what it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have rubbed my feet on before.

[Lou]

That's probably where you got it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. I had this HPV up here. Down there, I had a la Asian girl that liked a nice foot rub on her snatch. Oh, you make me laugh so much my head's hurt.

[Jay]

But I had to put stuff in. This guy told me when I went there, he's like, it'll take two weeks to go away. And then it took six months.

[Lou]

I think it was cuz you kept shaving it down because I said something to you. I was like, you don't know what you're. I was like, you're messing it up.

[Jay]

More fun though.

[Lou]

And once you stop doing that, I'll tell you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right. Let me. I'm so glad you said that.

[Jay]

That.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wasn't gonna say that. Shaving this, the little. Getting a little thing out a little and it comes out. It's awesome.

[Jay]

It's gotten me so hyped up. If you got the thing out, you're probably good. You should probably put some medicine on though. Salicylic acid or whatever.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

But that's gone now. That whole thing's completely gone. So now once in a while though, I'll pop open a drawer, see a little razor there, and I'll be like, sure, I got some calluses over here. So I get the side of the foot. Yeah. And dude, I'll tell you, it would make me vomit if I saw you even start doing this in person. I'm an in person. If I see it online, I don't give a shit. But in person, if I watch you do it and if I presented. If you presented to me what I feel satisfied of the hunk that I pull off and I can hold it up and it's like a fucking Indian head quarter. And I'm like, yo, I just cut that off of myself. It didn't hurt at all. You felt like it was supposed to be off of me.

[Bobby Kelly]

I like the ones you can pull off and like make a jewelry out of it. Like an earring.

[Jay]

You ever get into one? Sometimes I'll cut into one until you start. You get low enough sometimes you get a nice thick cut.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay]

And then when you get it halfway done. Get under there. Maybe start pulling it back a little bit with your hands. Yeah, really get in there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Get a little too.

[Jay]

And that's how you. You see that beautiful. That beautiful baby. That baby hamster skin that's under there? It's all pink.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I had one came out like a tooth.

[Jay]

I was like, wow, you had to wiggle it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had to wiggle it and it popped out. So this is from eating?

[Jay]

Yeah, foot and foot. And I ate Bobby's foot pussy because I want to get HPV the old way.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's because you eat, because you're a man. Doesn't matter where it comes from.

[Jay]

Bobby, let me get that fucking. Let me get that corn wart.

[Bobby Kelly]

Fresh foot pussy.

[Jay]

I'm gonna slide that right in between your planter and your corn.

[Bobby Kelly]

I got that young foot.

[Jay]

Oh, we gotta go.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, we gotta go. Big J. I could done that for

[Jay]

the next five minutes.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was my. My third appearance on.

[Jay]

We're gonna find it. We're gonna find episodes of Comics.

[Bobby Kelly]

Big J is going to be at Helium St. Louis this week in April 3rd and 4th. Then the funny bone in Orlando, April 10th and 11th. Then he's going to be a Nashville for Story wars and Kansas City for tickets and all the tour dates. BigJ.Comedy.com YouTube.com Big Joker said. And make sure you go to our YouTube page and watch one of the funniest poundings ever given to a young comic with hopes and dreams.

[Jay]

Thank God I didn't know you guys then. Oh, God of a bitch, you wouldn't

[Bobby Kelly]

know us now if we did.

[Jay]

Bobby Kelly. Bobby Kelly's gonna be at Comics roadhouse in Connecticut April 17th and 18th. That's over at Mohegan Sun Casino. After that, Uncle Vinny's In Point Pleasant, N.J. cleveland, Ohio, Stanford and New Orleans all on deck. After that, for tickets and so many more tour dates, go to Punchup Live, Robert Kelly, and Of course his YouTube channel at Robert Kelly Comedy. And most importantly, if you're in the New York area, every Tuesday night, 7pm like clockwork at the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge, at the comedy show, you can see him live and in person. I should also say it's just written weird, Christine, a little bit. It's. We're doing Nashville Festival, we're doing Story wars. And then that weekend I'm doing the rest. Just Stand up in Kansas City.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, that is written. I.

[Jay]

It's written. It's fine. But like, I also see how that could be misconstrued if someone heard that Then people are gonna show up first. People are gonna show up in Kansas City and be like, I thought this was story wars. I'm like, sorry to let you down, dick face.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine wrote it wrong.

[Jay]

Christine wrote it like a stupid idiot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bobby just read it exactly the way it is.

[Jay]

Oh, real nice, Christine. Making Bobby read it exactly how it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Making me look like an idiot. Hope you get pussy footworts.

[Jay]

You're about to get hb. Why would you push that on me?

[Bobby Kelly]

I want it. I'm gonna.

[Jay]

I think it's because. I think it's good. I think because Bobby wants to rub your with his foot.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna come over to your pool this summer and rub on my pussy.

[Jay]

Jacob's bored. We gotta go. Bye.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bye. Bye.

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