Jacob Considers OnlyFans

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "Jacob Considers OnlyFans"

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly
Date: January 30, 2026
Platform: SiriusXM Faction Talk
Episode Context: Jay and Bobby riff with their signature humor on dreams, animal encounters, and whether Jacob would ever start an OnlyFans to fund his ranch dreams.

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Overview

Main Theme:
The episode is a classic Bonfire blend of off-the-rails banter and sincere confessions, centered around Jacob's whimsical dreams—owning a ranch, running a bat rescue, and even restoring buffalo herds. The conversation veers hilariously into the logistics and morality of Jacob starting an OnlyFans account if it could bankroll his ambitions, prompting the hosts to riff on sex work, masculinity, and personal limits with their trademark mix of roast and support.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Studio Antics and "Relax" Anxiety (01:00–05:00)

• Jacob arrives feeling anxious about being late; Bobby's casual "relax" only ramps up Jacob's stress.
• Jay and Bobby gently rib Jacob about his reactions and how the word "relax" often has the opposite effect.
• Quote:
  "When you tell somebody to relax... it does the opposite to me when I'm panicking." —Jacob (02:30)

2. Animal Encounters: Bats, Bats, and More Bats (05:30–21:00)

• The crew swaps stories about animal freak-outs—videos of men screaming over bats, Bobby’s reaction to lizards, and movie references.
• Jacob shares endearing facts about bats and his admiration for the bat rescue “Batzilla.”
• Jay cracks wise on Jacob’s “Batman” origin story.
• Bobby and Jacob debate whether bats are adorable or evil.
• Quote:
  "When Jacob's parents were killed after coming out of the opera... the bats became his only friends." —Jay (11:35)

3. Jacob’s Dream Ranch and Animal Rescue Schemes (21:00–29:00)

• Jacob fantasizes about moving to Colorado, opening a ranch, and creating sanctuaries for bats, buffalo, and horses.
• Jay and Bobby skeptically (and lovingly) question the logistics: Where’s the money coming from? Is Jacob moonlighting as a male dancer?
• Jacob admits he’s still figuring out logistics, torn between Florida warmth and Colorado acreage.
• Quote:
  "Are you getting papa buoy money behind our back? How is this all possible?" —Bobby (27:19)

4. OnlyFans as a Funding Solution (29:00–37:00)

• The conversation escalates into an earnest/hilarious debate: Would Jacob go on OnlyFans to fund his animal haven?

• Jay proposes details: Jacob could wear a mask, have a bonfire logo tattoo, and go as far as needed for “ranch money.”

• The crew riffs on potential earnings, self-promotion, and fetishes. Jacob worries more about showing his belly than his genitals.

• They half-seriously ponder setting financial goals for one week of OnlyFans work (“If you can hit $5,000 in one week, we go.”).

• Quote:
  "Would you start masturbating for guys on the internet?" —Jay
  "Yes." —Jacob (29:22)

  "It's for the buffalo. It's for the bats." —Jacob (37:00)

5. Demo Rehearsal: Coaching Jacob's OnlyFans Debut (40:00–44:00)

• Jacob is (mock) coached by Jay and Bobby through positioning for a hypothetical OnlyFans shoot, drawing much laughter and supportive mockery.
• The trio discusses flexibility, camera angles, and the “charm” of Jacob’s naivety.
• Quote:
  "Isn't there like a charm to me not knowing what I'm doing at first?" —Jacob (42:24)

6. Reflections on Sex Work and Dignity (46:00–51:00)

• Jay and Jacob discuss seeing people (like comedians or musicians) engaging in explicit content for money or attention, and whether it irreversibly changes their public perception.
• This leads into broader musings about whether the internet is now so diversified that nothing “ruins” your career anymore.
• Quote:
  "Once you cross that line, there's no coming home." —Jacob (46:51)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "You should get some trained bats. Walk outside with your fleet of bats to combat the rats."
  —Jacob (13:04)

• "If you can make your dream happen in the next two years, would you start masturbating for guys on the internet?"
  —Jay (29:22)

• "That'd be a good jerk off OnlyFans name—Buffalo Bat."
  —Jacob (29:40)

• "We want the bonfire fans to be the initial push... then people don't even know what that symbol means will start following you."
  —Jacob (36:39)

• "If you don't hit the financial goal, we'll stop... If you get less than that, we quit."
  —Jacob & Bobby (32:33)

• "No, nobody wants to see a little tiny belly on a guy jerking off."
  —Bobby (32:10)

• "You're going to leave the animals for six months out of the year. Who's going to take care of the animals? The buffaloes, the horses. So you've been stockpiling money since you were 11?"
  —Bobby (28:36)

• "This is for the bats and the buffalo, dude."
  —Jacob (39:46)

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Key Timestamps

• Anxiety over being late / ‘Relax’ paradox: 01:00–03:00
• Bat stories & animal panic: 05:00–16:00
• Jacob's ranch dreams & funding woes: 21:00–29:00
• OnlyFans hypotheticals & logistics: 29:00–37:00
• Demo: Practicing for OnlyFans: 40:00–44:00
• Philosophy on public sex work: 46:00–51:00

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Final Thoughts & Tone

This episode pulls together friendly razzing and big personal dreams, painting a portrait of camaraderie, playful humiliation, and sincere support. The conversation about Jacob’s ambitions—ranching, animal rescue, and even adult streaming—is both a joke and a microcosm of Bonfire’s wider ethos: encourage each other to embrace wild ideas, but also laugh at how absurd (and endearing) they might be.

Tone:

• Unfiltered, self-deprecating, brotherly, and endlessly riffing.
• Openly discusses anxiety, ambition, sex work, and viral video moments, all with irreverence and warmth.

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For New Listeners:
This episode is a great introduction to The Bonfire’s banter: honest, raunchy, and weirdly inspiring. If you’ve ever had an impractical dream, or just wondered how far you’d go for a herd of buffalo, start here.

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Transcript

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[Jacob]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly. Still bugs me that Lou just waits for you to make a move.

[Bobby Kelly]

And all my friends, as soon as you.

[Jacob]

As soon as you move. He's like a Navy SEAL sniper.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought he started doing it when you've grabbed.

[Jacob]

No, he's. He literally waits. He looks at me, he flinches. Like, oh. And then he stops and then he looks at you. And then as soon as you move, it's on. Let's go.

[Bobby Kelly]

Shows up quarterback and quarterback coach. Dude. Yeah, we know what's happening.

[Jacob]

It's because he was having a dance. Bob, if you were dancing, I would not put on.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bobby never just gets up and dances. He's gonna make you die. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jacob]

You actually. Your joyous silliness every time I come in here for the most part, unless somebody stops you from using getting into the building.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

It happens once in a while. Really does. You can't help but feel the same silliness. But I gotta say one thing to you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

I came in today a little panicked.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Because I was nonchalant coming here because I'm usually. I'm usually here first. So I come in and you're coming or you're down smoking. And I came up to go pee and get a snack and I was going to walk into an empty studio. I walked in, everybody sitting around watching a video. The optics were. I'm late. I fucked up. I didn't look at my watch and I was like, oh shit, I'm so sorry. And you were very. Oh man. You know. But here's the thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're not late.

[Jacob]

But I gotta tell You. When you tell somebody to relax.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

When you go relax. It does the opposite to me when I'm panicking. The word relax, relax.

[Bobby Kelly]

What she'll do, she'll be like, freak out.

[Jacob]

Yeah. And then. And then my brain will go like this. I'm cool, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're good. Okay.

[Jacob]

Just the word relax.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's it.

[Jacob]

I'm never sending a video DJ ever again. I sent that.

[Bobby Kelly]

So good. So good.

[Jacob]

How you doing?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I'm doing pretty good. Well, remember, they've already heard us for a full week. That's why we have to have subjects.

[Jacob]

Yeah, I know. How you doing?

[Bobby Kelly]

Off.

[Jacob]

I meant, how you doing today?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, on Thursday I'm doing good. It's a little warmer than it was Tuesday. Because Tuesday's a cocksucker.

[Jacob]

It's gonna get colder.

[Bobby Kelly]

Huh?

[Jacob]

It's gonna get colder.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, not on Thursday.

[Jacob]

Yeah, Thursday it's gonna be cold.

[Bobby Kelly]

Coldest is tomorrow.

[Jacob]

It's gonna get cold, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm in Chicago this weekend, where it's going to be. And I mean this. Negative 11 the first night I'm there.

[Jacob]

You mean that?

[Bobby Kelly]

And three degrees.

[Jacob]

Do you mean that?

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean it.

[Jacob]

Are you sure?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jacob]

Say it again. Let me Hear it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Negative 11 on Friday.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Two degrees on Saturday.

[Jacob]

Cancel.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

You're not going to get out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, they're all sold out except for 3:30. The 3:30 matinee. Here's what you should be cold and bright out.

[Jacob]

Can you do me a favor? Can you just go into the hotel and give them a check for $250 right out of the gate?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, just go.

[Jacob]

Listen.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you can't do it. Yes. I'm smoking in that room.

[Jacob]

I'm smoking. I'm smoking in the room.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not going. Yeah, I mean.

[Jacob]

And then give the guy 100 a cash. Be like, here's the 250 for the fine. This hundred is so you don't rat me out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I had a hard time today. Is it not a day to smoke outside?

[Jacob]

No, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't smoke inside either, but cannot. Man. It was cold out there. It's fighting.

[Jacob]

It's terrible. I'm wearing gloves. I never wear gloves. I'm wearing Mary Tyler Moore gloves.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you wore gloves.

[Jacob]

I wore what?

[Bobby Kelly]

You said, I'm wearing gloves. I go, those aren't gloves.

[Jacob]

No, I'm wearing gloves.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did someone tell you wearing gloves.

[Jacob]

I'm wearing gloves today, Jay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, I see them now. They're nice.

[Jacob]

Well, they're not. I think they're.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dons they're stupid, shitty gloves. I hate them.

[Jacob]

I love that you just go along, whatever you relax. Don't say the word relax.

[Bobby Kelly]

What I say about you're not hyped now.

[Jacob]

I'm not, but the word relax makes me hyped.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you're hyped, relax. Get you more hyped.

[Jacob]

I'm sorry, I.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hang on. Spider.

[Jacob]

I hate it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, Spider. You second shot.

[Jacob]

Everyone in this room would have a worse reaction than that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh yeah, I saw a video this weekend. Oh, no, it was. It was the. That fails video that we watched where a guy and his wife are sitting in the living room. It's like, you know, ring camera or something in their living room. And there's a bat. I think it's a bat in the house, which I would freak me out too. But this guy throws his computer. It smashes on the ground. He runs around screaming like a woman. His wife actually makes a face where she goes like, oh my God. Like, Jesus Christ, dude, relax. It's so humiliating looking. I can't believe you just like let it happen. It was so bad.

[Jacob]

I think my screams are at least trying to be manly. I kept it. I kept it. If you heard when I found out there was a lizard on my back. If you heard that scream. Oh, God. Thank God nobody recorded that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you looking for it? Christine? It's peachy. Is the page peachy?

[Christine]

I'm in the history right now.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's gonna be peachy. My favorite if you go through the.

[Jacob]

Day which was my favorite one is when Salma Hayek when there was a snake. She was doing a movie, little interview and there was a snake under them, buddy. She flips out and starts panicking and crying hysterically. You should do to where everybody.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's the behavior of an adult human.

[Jacob]

Being with a snake? Yeah, come on.

[Bobby Kelly]

We can cut its head off with.

[Jacob]

A shovel like Mike Fenoya.

[Bobby Kelly]

You could be Bobby who worships it for some reason. I'm going to make it a sweater. But snake last Wednesday or something.

[Jacob]

Snake doesn't attack you unless you get near it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Back up. Yes, the girl this, by the way, the one you just had right there, that you're. That's going to come on is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Nothing makes me laugh with a falling video more than the person's already coming into frame falling. And there's just this chubby lady just eating shit down a flight of stairs, spilling everything all over her tits. Skip ahead. Just go 10 seconds at a time. Oh, this is. Go back up. This is great. This is an old lady. I'll describe this one. Great. Pause it. This is a lady who's drinking in her golf cart in her, you know, community she lives in.

[Jacob]

She has no hands on the wheel whatsoever.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's on her phone.

[Jacob]

She's on her phone. No hands on the wheel.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hammered. Turn it up, please. The audio is good.

[Jacob]

She.

[Bobby Kelly]

She hits a wall, comes out of the thing completely. Hits the wall herself and then falls out. Wait, hang on. She gets back in because she's embarrassed. Oops, wrong button. Boom. Yet again.

[Jacob]

But she's still on the phone.

[Bobby Kelly]

Still on the phone. That's like when Bobby fell off the. That's the same as. I'm good. No problems here.

[Jacob]

Right there.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's right there. You skipped right over it.

[Jacob]

I'm fine. I just ran over your kid.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's the falling in the picture. Yeah, go to that. I don't know how good the audio is on this right after this one. It's just. She's already eating shit right here. And she's covered in. She spilled something all over herself. But get to the audio. The good audio is the guy in the apartment.

[Jacob]

Let me find it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You had it. You had it. It was like on one of the thumbnails right there. Okay, back up a little bit. This is so good.

[Jacob]

I'm just gonna play it from here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bobby, enjoy this.

[Jacob]

That's gonna be correct. And that will.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's holding tea. She's writing something. She's taking care of two pets. This guy runs out of the home. How could he. How did he ever go over behind her and try to, like, grab her by the waist and kiss her like. Those days are over.

[Jacob]

Dude, back that up. You think he grabs her by the waist?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Jacob]

When he kisses her, he goes. Y.

[Bobby Kelly]

He goes, I have to society.

[Jacob]

He ran out of his own house. Can I just say something?

[Bobby Kelly]

But I want you to see her face when he. As he's getting. As he's in front of the couch. When he stands up, he's in front one of his screams. She actually goes like. Like you could see her. Her emotions towards him change.

[Jacob]

Like.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is insane.

[Jacob]

But does this or does it not look exactly like Jacob?

[Bobby Kelly]

It does look like Jake.

[Jacob]

Are you living a alternative life down in.

[Bobby Kelly]

Your girlfriend's hot, but she no longer has respect for you.

[Jacob]

Bats in the house before gives a shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would freak out. I would freak out. There was a bat in the house. It would be my. It would consume me. You wouldn't do this Though I wouldn't behave like that.

[Jacob]

Exactly.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's not a chance. There's not a handle.

[Jacob]

Right.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not even saying you wouldn't get me going like the tone of all. You wouldn't hear me going, ah, ah. You know what I mean? If it was like flapping around or something. I'm not a critters guy at all. It would weird me out. This is. You have to remember the world's looking at you.

[Jacob]

Well, you're right. The tone is the thing. You have to have guy tone. When you get scared, if you're screaming.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, fuck, oh shit. Even it's like, okay, well, it's like you're acting too scared, but at least your words are coming out like, this is. He escaped. He abandons his family.

[Jacob]

Yeah. She barely picks her head up from her phone.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can literally see her lose respect for him. Her face, I wish you could zoom in on it. But she goes like. She goes like when he yells one time, she's like, is this happening? Why are you acting like this demand.

[Jacob]

Turns out to be there. That's going to be correct.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's like taking care of the pet. She's like, dude, dude, you have to stop this behavior.

[Jacob]

She actually does the thing he should have did. Yeah, relax.

[Bobby Kelly]

She should be running out of the house. He goes, babe, babe, I'll get it. Let me get a broom. Jesus Christ. Stop screaming like that. It's not making anything better.

[Jacob]

That's humiliating. Mine wasn't as bad as that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to scream at. When we had a mouse in our apartment, I wanted to scream every time I didn't scream. I handled it as if I was screaming.

[Jacob]

What do you mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

My physical reactions were girly screams of reactions, but my voice would just be like, God damn it, I missed it. Oh, we didn't get. But inside I was going.

[Jacob]

I would never do this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Huh?

[Jacob]

I would. I follow Batzilla also. Batzilla the bat is. It's this bat rescue in Australia and they're the cutest animals there.

[Bobby Kelly]

They are. Are they really?

[Jacob]

Yeah. They're adorable, Jacob. They are. If you follow Batzilla the bat, you'll see how sweet they are.

[Bobby Kelly]

When Jacob's parents were killed after coming out of the opera in that back alley, the bats became his only friends.

[Jacob]

That's right.

[Bobby Kelly]

You understand?

[Jacob]

I do, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, it's the darkness.

[Jacob]

Look.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not cute, dude. It looks like a.

[Jacob]

That's a grown up. That does look like a little, little tiny dog. No chick would have on a plane. No, it doesn't feed him a bottle.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's got fangs.

[Jacob]

I know, but that. That looks adorable. That right there. I have the eyes. Huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna get you one.

[Jacob]

What? No, I mean that. Look at. Look at that bat has the same eyes you have when you're in trouble.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna get you the same. I'm gonna get you the same breed of bat.

[Jacob]

Let me see the teeth. It rehabilitates them. Because if there's a bat on the ground that they're already in distress. But usually it's that they fall on. They get tangled in the.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my God, look at how cute that is.

[Jacob]

All right, now listen. Those eyes are way different.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's just different light. Bobby, I promise you, this is the same satanic thing that you saw before that you thought was so cute.

[Jacob]

Come on, dude. That's not. That looks like a little tiny puppy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll tell you what. They're smartly. They're covering up his freaky little things.

[Jacob]

His wings.

[Bobby Kelly]

His little bat things.

[Jacob]

They expand their wings. I've learned this following Batzilla, the bat that expand their wings when they're terrified to. They want the show. Like, oh, look, I'm big and scary. So they do that on purpose.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because they're a big. They're evil looking entirely.

[Jacob]

No, you should do. You should get a cape so when you go to your trash, you can scare all the rats. So they think you're big and scary.

[Bobby Kelly]

You should get some trained bats.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Walk outside with your fleet of bats to combat the rats.

[Jacob]

I'm putting up a bat. Bat box. Bat box. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at this little thing.

[Jacob]

Is that. Oh, he's eating a banana. Come on, Jay. That's adorable.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm buying you a bat.

[Jacob]

That's the same way you eat bananas.

[Bobby Kelly]

It is.

[Jacob]

And they take.

[Bobby Kelly]

I see how long I get down before I have to bite.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Christine]

I mean, that's just adorable.

[Jacob]

That's adorable. Jay, those are goofy bats. I think those are down syndrome bats. Christine, pull up a baby bat. One that'll melt you. They just more of an adult.

[Bobby Kelly]

They were feeding the bottle of the baby.

[Jacob]

You don't think that this bat. Those eyes are pretty adorable. Look at that. That's probably a baby. And they'll pair it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Almost everything is adorable. Almost everything is adorable. Oh, yeah. Then look. Expand. It's freaky fucking that wings.

[Jacob]

That's the part that fucks you up. Is that it has giant.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's got an evil thing. I've got a tattoo of that same evil thing right here.

[Jacob]

Look. What the.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's the little claw end of the wing.

[Jacob]

That's its foot.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's fucking weird.

[Jacob]

It's his foot wing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Buddy, look how they're vampires. They turn into fucking. They turn into evil people who move.

[Jacob]

Next door and have sex in the window in Florida. That. That me and Bobby love going.

[Bobby Kelly]

They grow up. You know what they do? They grow up and they get a bunch of ruffian friends who hang around the boardwalk.

[Jacob]

Yay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Kill people at night. Yes, Bobby, look at that little cute.

[Jacob]

Thing just suckling on some milk.

[Bobby Kelly]

Buddy, I understand that. But this thing grows up and it moves next door to you, has sex.

[Jacob]

In the window of his house, and.

[Bobby Kelly]

Then before you know it, you have to go employ a fucking former television vampire hunter with the hopes that maybe he could help you out. And then you eventually kill him, but that leads to sequels and he turns your best friend into a monster and you have to kill him too.

[Jacob]

How are these bats in the daytime?

[Bobby Kelly]

And then the lady, the next door neighbor from Married With Children also was in that.

[Jacob]

She wasn't a vampire. She was just a lesbian. Angry lesbian in that movie.

[Bobby Kelly]

She was the hot chick in that movie. And she became the scariest vampire, though. That. That was.

[Jacob]

Mouth haunted.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was when I was a kid. That got me. That was one of the. For a movie that I thought was like, kind of kitschy and fun.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

That when she would turn around, I was one of those scenes where like, sometimes if I was by myself, I wouldn't. I'd keep my head down for that part of it. Like, I'm not gonna watch this.

[Jacob]

Yeah. She really did go from adorable to just.

[Bobby Kelly]

She was adorable in that movie.

[Jacob]

She was. Yeah. She was the cute little. She was the romantic lead. Right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Before they got a local softball team.

[Jacob]

Dude, come on. It's hiding under its wing. And they'll take in an orphan. Like she. She'll pair an orphan baby with a orphan adult. And it will just take it in and act like it's.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm going to build you a cave. I want you to have a bat cave, Dude. Jacob Cave.

[Jacob]

I want one so bad.

[Bobby Kelly]

But you have to let them constantly swarm you. But you can't make any reactions. You have to be like, yeah, this is great. I love. I love when there's bats everywhere.

[Jacob]

Did I tell you conquer my fear? Me and Don, when we went to Aruba, on the backside of Aruba, it's all like desert and caves. And you can go in these caves.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't though.

[Jacob]

I know, but I'm a little, you know, we like to do stuff like that. So me Max, if you were a.

[Bobby Kelly]

Girl, dude, you'd be. You would have never made it past Natalee Holloway age. You had been rape murdered in somewhere exotic. All they would have found was your no underwear overalls floating in the ocean.

[Jacob]

So they don't forget my scally cap.

[Bobby Kelly]

And your scally cap.

[Jacob]

So they. You have to walk. You have to climb up these stairs into like this little cave. And it's dark and you can see the light. It opens up and there's a hole in the ceiling further down and the sun comes in. It's called Lovers Cave or some stupid. Like. So you got to. But you got to go through the dark. So you go through the dark a little bit. You kind of hunch over and then you come up in, the whole cave opens up and there's a hole in the ceiling and sun comes through. And it's all situations.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have to make it through the dark to see the light.

[Jacob]

So then. So then they. And it's all sand. It's really beaut. It's a beautiful thing. And, you know, a lot of couples go there and get photos and the sun's coming in. You get really cool photos. So we went in and we'll walk, you know, just going around or whatever and looking at everything. We're taking our photos, me and Don, our selfies under the light. And then it started raining out. And as soon as it started raining out, we didn't realize this, but the whole cave was filled with thousands of bats.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Jacob]

So places that we were kind of walking through and checking out, we didn't see them. There was just bats. You can't even really see them. They're just hanging. So then I saw one bat and then I saw another, and then we saw another. There was thousands of bats started coming out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Jacob]

And then we had to get out of there, but we had to go through the darkness. Darkness. The cave part where all the bats. So I had to, you know, it was Don, Max and me. So I had to put me up front because Don hates bats.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why don't you grab a stick, wrap your shirt around it and light it on fire like Rambo?

[Jacob]

Because I didn't have any oil.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did he have oil?

[Jacob]

Yeah, he had. Remember, he was in the oil. It was like some type of oil or kerosene down there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Was it? Because I thought he was just like in the sewage of like, of a forest.

[Jacob]

I don't know. I think there was. Oh, that was. That Was Raiders of the Lost Ark.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, yeah. He was in the sewers, and he just. I thought he just kind of, like, lit his shirt on fire. Remember when he was going back to the city?

[Jacob]

I was kind of fat at the time, so there's no way I'd rather get eaten by bats and take my shirt off and make it into a torch.

[Bobby Kelly]

Agreed.

[Jacob]

I don't want to die without a.

[Bobby Kelly]

Shirt on to this day.

[Jacob]

Like an old mine.

[Bobby Kelly]

Huh?

[Jacob]

Like an old mine.

[Bobby Kelly]

Old mine. He was in.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, right.

[Jacob]

He dipped it in kerosene. Yeah, he did. So I had to lead the way. And as we're walking through, thousands of bats were just flying by our heads. To get to the other part where the.

[Bobby Kelly]

This does make the story sound much more dramatic, where we could.

[Jacob]

We could see the light and we had that. But the whole time, it's just screams from Dawn, Max, and me. Because the bats were just like. I was like, come on, just follow me. I had to start yelling at them because they weren't listening for some reason. In situations like this, women just don't listen. It's like, follow me. Stay right behind me. And I look back, she's just. This situation, and I'm. I'm just like, follow me. I turned it like a navy. You gotta stay behind me. Let's go.

[Bobby Kelly]

Fall in line. We're 20 clicks from freedom.

[Jacob]

But then it'll be like. It'd be really manly stuff. Followed by, follow me, stay behind. Ah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then I'm scared, too. But I don't have the luxury of having time to be scared. Dawn, stop. God, no.

[Jacob]

I will say this. There. You should never go near a bat. You have to call the bat experts, like this woman.

[Bobby Kelly]

Where am I gonna get a spotlight and a cut out of a bat at this time?

[Jacob]

They have a lot of diseases. So where was it? You should never go near a bat. Do you understand? There was no. The only exit was the cave part. That was dark. Yeah, for like, 50 yards. And the ceiling was low. So you had to kind of duck down and walk through this dark cave with thousands of bats flying by our head. Or just stay in there with the bats until it stopped raining and they went back to sleep. So we had to run out. So great. It was the worst.

[Bobby Kelly]

You should have lived amongst them.

[Jacob]

The worst. The worst. It was. It was a nightmare. Nightmare can also get seriously sick from that dropping.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know where that ever happens at your house?

[Jacob]

Guano. Guano.

[Bobby Kelly]

We all saw ace Ventura Part 2. The only reason any of us know Guano the word.

[Jacob]

Is that where I got it?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's the only place you got it. Guano. Batshit. It's the only place. We all earned it. Bobby's regurgitating Ace Ventura. Two facts when nature calls. You know the rhinoceros mosley moves around at night. Do you guys know that I would.

[Jacob]

Love to open up a bat rescue.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Jacob]

Why? Because they're really not a lot around here and they need them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, there's a lot of things you say you'd like to do, I'd like to see you do. I don't know one of them.

[Jacob]

Yeah, well. Yeah, I need. I. I've told you everything's on hold till I open up my ranch where I can establish all myself and all these things. I'm a cowboy.

[Bobby Kelly]

How you getting the ranch?

[Jacob]

What do you mean? Where are you going to get. Where is the ranch going to be? Where? Yeah, that's what I said. I don't know. I haven't picked the state. I'm thinking more Colorado. You're going to move to Colorado and open up a ranch?

[Bobby Kelly]

How long are you going to wait? You're going to go. It's going to be like moving to hospice.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you have a lot of die on a ranch?

[Jacob]

Do you have a lot of bitcoin? You know how much land is in Colorado? Two to three years. It's a lot of money. Dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Two years from now you're going to be on a ranch.

[Jacob]

I would have my ranch. He's going to have an acre and a half ranch in Colorado. An acre and a half times a hundred bucks.

[Bobby Kelly]

You already know where you're getting it.

[Jacob]

I know the location. Kind of where I want to go.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but not the place yet.

[Jacob]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

A ranch. You're going to have horses, gas, snacks, tolls.

[Christine]

This trip is draining my wallet.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but we'll be with family.

[Jacob]

You're in a good mood. What's your deal?

[Bobby Kelly]

What's my deal? I saved at Metro with no activation.

[Christine]

Fees and I got 1 line of 5D for just $25 per month.

[Jacob]

Kept the phone I love and a.

[Bobby Kelly]

5 year price guarantee on my top.

[Christine]

Text and data detour to Metro. Get that more for your money feeling.

[Jacob]

Only at Metro by T Mobile.

[Tremphya Announcer]

Just bring your number 31st month and.

[Christine]

25 after with autopay not available. If with Metro T Mobile in the past 180 days.

[Jacob]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Guess what? This year I'm letting go of resentment. That's a big one because I got a lot of them. I hold them like tickets and then when you cross me I stick it in your face. I but I'm done. I'm letting it go. A new year is a new opportunity to feel lighter, and you don't have to become a new person to do it. Signing up for therapy with BetterHelp can shine a light on what's been weighing you down and illuminate possibilities for the year ahead. BetterHelp handles the initial therapist matching work for you. Just take a short questionnaire to share your needs and preferences. And thanks to BetterHelp's industry leading match fulfillment rate, they usually get your match right the first time. And if your match isn't right, right, it just doesn't fit. Switching to a different therapist is easy. Let BetterHelp provide you an unbiased perspective on your life. You can't take steps into a lighter version of yourself without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Therapy can help you clear space, sign up and get 10% off betterhelp.com bonfire that's better h lp.com bonfire guys, you.

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[Jacob]

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[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Another one of my things is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are any of these attainable?

[Jacob]

Well, some people are doing it. Okay. I don't know that. I have to move states for the ultimate dream. I want to help bring back the buffalo. So a few buffalo. So I need room for buffalo.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you going to have sex with buffalo?

[Jacob]

No. They're great. Can you have sex with buffalo?

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob's gonna try to fucking get a breakfast more Montana. You say he's gonna try to bring back the buffalo. I think you have to fuck a buffalo.

[Jacob]

No, they're back. But they need press care.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're gonna be their press agent. You guys are back, baby. But no one knows about it yet. We gotta get you on Fallon.

[Jacob]

But you know nothing about buffalo mating. And you need a lot of pasture for a buffalo. That's the idea, yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who's taking care of the bats while you're fucking around? These buffalo?

[Jacob]

Yeah, bats are. They need a lot less room. You don't want to take care of them?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, they'll need a lot of room. But you have to feed them bottles and shit all the time. Bananas. Yeah.

[Jacob]

It's a pickle.

[Bobby Kelly]

It is a pickle.

[Jacob]

What about the horses? Who's going to take care of the horses? I am going to have horses, too. I must have said that earlier. So you basically want to open a zoo. You have Matt Damon's dream. Well, the buffalo, I admit, is a little more out there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you getting papa buoy money behind our back? How is this all possible?

[Jacob]

Yeah, what's going on? What are you doing down here?

[Bobby Kelly]

Horse ranch. With horses.

[Jacob]

Not our ranch. Expensive as shit. Just a couple. One or two. Are you a male gigolo down in Florida? Is that why you want to go down there so much? Do you get ranch money? I don't have to tell you everything. Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just.

[Jacob]

You don't, I guess. Don't you want me to have this ranch in a couple of years so.

[Christine]

You can sit at the ranch and wish you were in Florida?

[Jacob]

It might be in Florida, too. I don't know the location yet. You can't have buffalo. Buffalo can't be in Florida.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just want you to, like, you know. You said the words, I know the.

[Jacob]

Location, I know where.

[Bobby Kelly]

And now you just said, I do not know the location yet.

[Jacob]

Well, no, I know where. I need. I know the location. I'd like to be where. I see myself just kicking it back on the floor.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why do I feel like we're catching you lying about your dream? Why lie about this?

[Jacob]

Because my conflicting desires. Hobbies. Change the location you want Just because.

[Bobby Kelly]

You want to fucking parasail into some skis and then jump off the skis into some water.

[Jacob]

Yeah. And then just get on the drums and then scuba. Ultimately, it's going to be two houses. You're going to have two ranches. The ranch and then the warm weather one. So you're going to leave the animals. You're going to leave the animals for six months out of the year. Who's going to take care of the animals? The buffaloes, the horses.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you're going to have stockpiling money since you were 11?

[Jacob]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Jacob]

I'm trying to make moves, you know. Make moves? Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Get on the ranch and you're going to retire. How are you going to make money? You think you're zooming in here from the ranch every day?

[Jacob]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's just see you in a corner of a screen with a cowboy hat on every day. I've been up for 18 hours, guys.

[Jacob]

No, I'm not relying on my SiriusXM.

[Christine]

Money for the ranch.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's your male jiggoloing. Oh, you think he's gonna become a dancer? Lou, I like. I understand Lou speak. He thinks she's gonna become a male dancer. You know the only way you make money for that. Would you. If you can make your dream happen in the next two years, would you start masturbating for guys on the Internet?

[Jacob]

Yes. Oh, you're talking to Jacob. Yeah, I'm sorry.

[Bobby Kelly]

No one knows. There's a quiet thing. You can wear a gimp mask, but you have to finish. You have to finish the completion every time.

[Jacob]

I feel like I won't have to. But we know it was you because we see all the buffaloes and the.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bats in the Background is this guy.

[Jacob]

That'd be a good. That'd be a good jerk off. Only fans name buffalo bat.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, Dr. Dolittle.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

The animals help you come because of what they're saying to you that you can. No one else could hear it, but those animals are all making noises for you. Yeah, come for me, daddy.

[Jacob]

You'll let the buffaloes in your house.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm a warthog. Come for me, daddy.

[Jacob]

You'll see.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm a zebra. We are going to see. We're going to see if you'll start masturbating for money on camera.

[Jacob]

Oh no, I meant the buffalo. How much money do you think he can make masturbating on camera? He can make ranch money.

[Bobby Kelly]

He could.

[Jacob]

Yeah, he could definitely make bat money.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's a total zaddy.

[Jacob]

Okay, He's a zaddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Guy's a total zaddy.

[Jacob]

He can make some bat money. Maybe a horse.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's got a good money, he's flexible. He might be able to do things like. He might be able to do tricks like suck his own dick. We don't know.

[Jacob]

You're wrong about this because I've read.

[Bobby Kelly]

That you might not be able to suck your own dick. I think I'm right about it.

[Jacob]

And second of all. You read about it. I read about sucking your own dick. No, the most people just try it. What's the thing? Only fans do you know that they make only about like maximum. The average was like a thousand dollars a month.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's people who just. You gotta.

[Jacob]

They're doing hardcore porn.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, I know they're making. No, you're talking, but it's all self promotional. So you're not talking about porn stars. You're talking about girls who work on the fucking 32nd floor of this building that are like. Well, I'll show my asshole. You're right. A thousand tops.

[Jacob]

I'm on 36. So what's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but you're on air, buddy. This isn't the same thing.

[Jacob]

Dude, we're going to promote your only fans more than our dates.

[Bobby Kelly]

If Martha quinn was walking off 80s all eight and then double dildoing herself, I mean that would be a fucking. That'd be something to see, wouldn't it?

[Jacob]

You didn't say you were going to help. I appreciate that. We're going to help. We're going to watch it every day on the show.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I would like to keep it a secret. I want to see if we can get Jacob a whirlwind of cash for quietly under the radar, jacking off for guys. But they. But the jacking off guys have to know it's him because that's what makes it exciting. It's Jacob from the bonfire, right? I'm beating off to Jacob from the bonfire even though he's wearing an executioner's mask. The way I asked.

[Jacob]

We should make him get a bonfire logo around his.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't mind that.

[Jacob]

That's a good one.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't mind that. We can make it fake, though. But every day you got to be in the chair two hours before your only fans to get that reapplied.

[Jacob]

When I know I'm Jake, I need.

[Bobby Kelly]

You in the chair for you getting your asshole tattooed.

[Jacob]

When I know it's go time to be on. On the stage. Yeah. I go into training mode so it would keep me in shape. So that's an up. Well, that's an upside. Nobody wants to see a little tiny belly on a guy jerking off.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no. It's going to be the way when you try to suck your own dick.

[Jacob]

That's why I'm. I'm almost more like. Am I more embarrassed by jerking off or having even a little bit of belly fat? I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'd say the belly fat thing.

[Jacob]

Belly fat 100%.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

It's neck and neck. You think? It wouldn't be. It shouldn't be.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, do one week of jacking off for guys. Let's hit a goal. Let's hit a financial goal.

[Jacob]

And if you don't.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you don't hit the financial goal, we'll stop.

[Jacob]

Yeah, we'll stop. If you can hit $5,000 in one week, we go. If you get less than that, we quit.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you were making five grand a week from jacking off for guys, game changing, would that make you super happy?

[Jacob]

The money a week, that's $20,000 a month. It's still not enough to humiliate. You don't want your dream then. You don't want that range.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow. I thought this was a guy who wants a dream. What's the other arrangements? Yeah, you're have your corpse sent to sea. What does that mean? I made other arrangements.

[Jacob]

No, you think Tesla is your fucking ranch money? It is my ranch. Is it? Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you're either going to live your life on a ranch or drive a Tesla for a while.

[Jacob]

Basically.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay. All right.

[Jacob]

Well, what if the Tesla thing doesn't work out? I think it will. When? What are you asking me? What? When I think the stock's really going to Take off probably end of next year. End of next year you're getting a ranch. You're going to set. You're going to suck your own. I don't think I can get it next year.

[Christine]

Maybe a year.

[Bobby Kelly]

So until then, from your Tesla investment.

[Jacob]

I hope so, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow.

[Jacob]

Why don't you just suck your own dick on Onlyfans until then as a backup plan.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can't control what Elon Musk does and the people's acceptance of him and how that's gonna ebb and flow. You can control one thing for sure. I got a cock. I'm gonna go pound it on camera for guys and they'll pay instantaneously. You don't buddy, no pay, no play. You fucking get hard for him and then you go, hey guys, you gotta start dropping these fucking tips. And then when they're like. They're not dropping tips, you go, no problem guys. I could always. And you just pull. Put your fucking dick away and start reading your fucking swastika book in your house. Just like confuse people. And then they go. You say you're ba ding ba da ding. And you go, oh, what's you guys. And then you start knocking it around again a little bit for them. I can talk you through it behind camera.

[Jacob]

Yeah, well, you're not gonna do this alone.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't be ashamed either to wear. Don't be ashamed to wear an earwig. Do not be ashamed to wear an earwig either. I heard Jack Nicholson even does that and he's a fantastic actor. I can get feed you lines.

[Jacob]

Really? Jack Nicholson did that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

You know you could do. Don't worry about this too. Your first two subscribers are staring you right in your face right now.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I'm coming in top package. We should do some tiered system for sure.

[Jacob]

Yeah, definitely. Outfits is a top tier. If you dress like Batman or maybe like a cowboy.

[Bobby Kelly]

You just have to jerk off.

[Jacob]

Just jerk off. But you have to do it from down the angle down. I want to see.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you have everything. Your back like your low B has to be on the ground because we want to see your asshole pucker when you come.

[Jacob]

We got to see that bonfire logo.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

At the beginning. Not the whole time.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I assume from the. I do think. I do think, Jacob. As your puckers upon like your and your balls move around from you different states of coming. Your ass is going to. It's going to get rid of the bonfire logo. That's why we will have to reapply it every day.

[Jacob]

It will.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's the Vig.

[Jacob]

Unless we do it in like henna. Like a henna tattoo that sticks around for a while.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh yeah, maybe. Yeah. I said I was going to go washable marker, but I don't know.

[Jacob]

Well, could very well be that my plans don't work out and in which case I probably will have to switch to.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're going to buddy only fans. Clock's ticking. You're not getting any younger, dude. I'm telling you right now what I do love though. And by the way, lose black and dj you should take this very, very offensively. He is severely more open to this idea than spending three days in a place with you.

[Expedia Announcer]

Ouch.

[Jacob]

Well, that's continual money, huh? That's a one time money. Yeah, that's true. He makes a point. That's a one time thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

One time.

[Jacob]

You want him to live there.

[Bobby Kelly]

What about when it gets picked up? Oh, when the. When it starts making money.

[Jacob]

I bet you know it's gonna get.

[Bobby Kelly]

Picked if I put it up. If I put it up on my YouTube it would make absolutely would make money for sure.

[Jacob]

Jay just turned it serious 100.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, he. Well he's saying it's not permanent money. Listen, you don't know. You might be an only fans flop. I don't think so. I believe in you, baby. You're beautiful, you know that?

[Jacob]

I'm too self conscious.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stop it.

[Jacob]

No, you're not going to show your face. Nobody's going to know it's you except all the people that know the fire.

[Bobby Kelly]

You could be a bashful boy.

[Jacob]

Yeah, but we don't. We want the bonfire fans to be the initial push and then like people don't even know what that symbol means is going to start following you and.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll be the moderator. So I'll be off to the side going Jacob chat saying they want two fingers in your shitter.

[Jacob]

Christine, what do you say?

[Christine]

I say go for it. If it's going to give you your ranch.

[Jacob]

It's for the buffalo. It's for the buffalo. The bats.

[Bobby Kelly]

Buffalo and the bats.

[Jacob]

The buffalo and the bats. Yeah. I mean come on. Think of those little cute bats that need you. Yes. Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Does this make Jacob gay? Yes. I think this is a great idea. I say we do Airbnb in New Orleans for Skank Fest. Yes. We have Jacob do the only fans.

[Jacob]

Have DJ Lou do live drops.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Jacob]

Paco said he'd always recall. Paco would film everything.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes. Oh yeah. He already asked if he could. Now I assume you'll be able to come very easily with all those guys in the room, Jacob.

[Jacob]

These guys?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

He said I'm alone. Well, now you're changing the rules.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, we need him doing drops.

[Jacob]

Black lift is any phone calls or ideas he wants to throw out. You know what I mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

Black blue is going to be moderating the chat.

[Jacob]

That Lou wouldn't do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Jacob]

He won't look at me. Jack you off now. Jacking off.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't have to jack him off. You're doing drops while he's getting jacked off. You would do that.

[Jacob]

But that's fine.

[Christine]

You have to look you in the.

[Jacob]

Eyes or in the. That's a. That's a J question.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can look him in the eyes, but he's not gonna be looking back at you. And I'll tell you why. Because I'm gonna be soul locked with Jacob the whole time. Because I'm off camera coaching him.

[Jacob]

You.

[Bobby Kelly]

You understand? I'm leading. I'm the. I'm the. You know, I'm the lady who leads the audience at the Wendy Williams show. Remember that lady? That's. I'm rallying.

[Jacob]

You're the Sergio de Berger.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm bringing that Cyrano.

[Jacob]

That one, too.

[Bobby Kelly]

De Bergerac.

[Jacob]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right? I don't know. I don't read. It's a hard one, but it was. Wasn't that a Gerard Depardieu movie? Wasn't he Cyra de Bergera?

[Jacob]

It was actually a Happy Days episode 2.

[Bobby Kelly]

Also a Steve Martin movie called Roxanne.

[Jacob]

Yeah. Great movie. You're Jay guiding you? You have the expertise of somebody who watches only fans, knows what the people want.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't go to only fans at all. They.

[Jacob]

And you're gonna. I mean, good. Yes. And. And then worst improper. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't pay for pornography, Bobby. I'm not some fucking loser or some fucking momo jacking off to Jacob.

[Jacob]

You paid for pornography on the show? On the air, Christine buy it? I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jason Ellis.

[Jacob]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's gay.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's gay, Christine. I'll tell you for sure, I have no idea what the logins for only fans are. No. No clue.

[Christine]

Our Twitter. There's no way he knows that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't go on only fans. It's for guys to jack off to, Jacob. That's not my.

[Jacob]

Just because you say somebody else do it for me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Huh?

[Jacob]

Yeah. So you had Christine do it for you.

[Christine]

That's for content.

[Bobby Kelly]

We watched it on the show. I've never seen only fans away from the show. No, no, no, no, this is for money. This is you making money jacking your. For men.

[Jacob]

This is for the bats and the. The buffalo, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

And you'll wear a different kind of mask every day.

[Jacob]

I feel like my window for. This is fast. Think about. Can I just say something, Jacob? How much do you love. You turn into that guy on the left. Live shows, right? That other person, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

That's what we're jacking off.

[Jacob]

That's who's going to be. You're not jacking off. That guy's jacking.

[Bobby Kelly]

JB is jacking off.

[Jacob]

That guy is gonna. Now, all you have to do, so beautiful, baby, is put on a different outfit. Having a little idea what you're gonna do that day? Who? What? The little, you know, business you're gonna have.

[Bobby Kelly]

This guy doesn't have a bad angle.

[Jacob]

And you're gonna turn that camera on, enter the room and do your thing and make that cha ching.

[Bobby Kelly]

Give me a turn around. Jacob. This is the kind of easing in talk I'm gonna give you when you get there.

[Jacob]

Jacob, can I ask you a question? If right now, could you put your heels up on that counter? My heels? Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Let me just see if you could put your heels up on that counter.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like a flexible bitch.

[Jacob]

Let's see. Let's just see.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like a bitch. You could.

[Jacob]

Yeah. Take your blankets off.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like a. With loose hips.

[Jacob]

Here we go. Here we go, Here we go. All right. Ready, Jacob? Now just open the legs up a little bit. A little more, A little more. Now put the heels. The heels. Bring your knees back a little bit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob. He's not looking. Inviting. You're doing good. Bobby directing him. He's not looking.

[Jacob]

Can I. I'm new at this gay porn. That's all right.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've done no gay porn in my life. But this is what the people want to see, Jacob.

[Jacob]

Yeah, that's what they want to see. You're turning your ankles like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Of course I am, but Bobby didn't.

[Jacob]

Tell me to do that following. We were going step by step. Don't get mad at me. We're trying to.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're supposed to just know, dude.

[Jacob]

Way more spread. Yeah, because he's relaxed. Look at it. He's also wearing sweats.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then I could do this. I could finger my own butthole and whack off, because guys like that.

[Jacob]

Yeah, don't do that, though, because you rub the tattoo off.

[Bobby Kelly]

You could jug. Don't. Don't finger your. It does have my. Doesn't have a tattoo. Permanent or semi permanent. Yeah, but I'M telling you right now, Jacob, if it's just me and you sitting across from each other and your body is way better than mine, your ass particularly, I'd guess. And I'll say I'm making more money. Yeah, put him back up. I'm making more money right now, Jacob. Right now I'm just making more. Just doing nothing. I'm making more money. This is my only fans. I'm waiting for the chat to fill up. This is what I do. And they're already tipping me.

[Jacob]

Just ball bag out. Everything out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ball bag. And most importantly, asshole showing.

[Jacob]

Look at this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at Bobby go.

[Jacob]

You both look like you're probably maybe naturals, Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe one up on the chair. Get a little bit higher on it so they can go underneath. Yeah.

[Jacob]

Isn't there like a charm to me not knowing what I'm doing at first?

[Bobby Kelly]

Do it now. That'd be great.

[Jacob]

Jacob. Grab the ear. Inner thigh like this. See this?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Do this right here. Just spread your. Spread your thighs open a little bit. A little more.

[Bobby Kelly]

There you go.

[Jacob]

There you go.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now we're cooking with gas.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now you're doing the right thing.

[Jacob]

Now just rub down a little bit. Just. I kind of get it now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wait a little bit. Can you suck your own toe while you jerk off? I think I can suck your own toe. Let me see. Give me a taste, daddy.

[Jacob]

Well, no, I mean, I.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are we practicing? Are we not practicing? I don't know what we're doing here.

[Jacob]

It's. I mean, I. I'm pretty sure you're like Rocky when Apollo is trying to help him and he's not accepting the help.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hate being a coach here, Jacob. I'm sitting here. I'm not coming. I'm not coming to what you're doing. Do better. Look at me sitting here.

[Jacob]

Let me work on this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at me sitting here limp as a noodle. Makes me sick.

[Jacob]

You really are flexible.

[Bobby Kelly]

God damn it, man. This makes me sick.

[Jacob]

Why don't you open up an only F fans?

[Bobby Kelly]

You think?

[Jacob]

I think so.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think I've been waiting for someone to just say it. Should I?

[Jacob]

Yes. I would love it if Christine Kim J. And she's come down says you're cranking it out on the live fans, but you don't even do it. You do it on YouTube.

[Bobby Kelly]

I guess I would finger asshole left. I think I was finger left hand. You're going to jerk, right?

[Jacob]

I think you're going too high on the penis.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you think that I was doing just head, dude?

[Jacob]

Yeah. Oh, sorry. I thought you're going up the shaft. I mean, we're gonna be realistic. We gotta be realistic.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that what we're doing?

[Jacob]

It's more like this. Jay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob. You said Jacob past. He looked away. He looked down at my. And then looked right away. It was weird. Who's that? Oh, the rain. We still got a subscription?

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Karma is her name. Jesus Christ is her game. Ragadang dang. Oh, look at her cooch.

[Jacob]

What is that? Is that a tattoo over her?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's her cooch, dude.

[Jacob]

Wait, is she religious or not? It goes.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's day to day. Jacob.

[Christine]

You can't love God and make porn.

[Jacob]

Yeah, you're not. Not supposed to. Not that way.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, what are you thinking? This can't be for the Lord.

[Christine]

She just asked for forgiveness every day. That's how Christianity works.

[Jacob]

I don't like the way she fingers herself. It looks like she's checking for something.

[Bobby Kelly]

It does. She goes up. That bump's still there.

[Jacob]

This could be your intro song.

[Bobby Kelly]

My second favorite girl rapper. Fifth favorite rapper of all time. God damn. She still has it. Well, I think we've dilly dallied enough. Oh yeah, we've dilly dallied plenty. I think it's time to get into part two of Christine Evans comedy.

[Jacob]

Oh God, I forgot all about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

It did you?

[Jacob]

I did.

[Bobby Kelly]

We pushed it off to this. What? We pushed it off to the next pre recorded.

[Jacob]

I forgot about it and now I just remembered it and I'm just very happy right now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Take it in. Be happy. You need to hear a little summer.

[Jacob]

Rain a little bit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Cuz I got some summer rain. Always in the pocket.

[Jacob]

Of your face. I like it.

[Bobby Kelly]

That guy actually screamed ladier than that with the bat. It was more of a girly scream than that. Ladier.

[Jacob]

I have a video. I'll send it to Christine. When me, Paul Verze and Voss went golfing and he did the same thing, he was on his stupid phone and he drove into a bull cactus and jammed his sternum into the steering wheel and knocked the wind out of himself.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jesus Christ.

[Jacob]

And then fell out of the golf cart and was going, I can't breathe. I can't breath. I don't think I've laughed. Oh my God. I fell out of the golf cart.

[Tremphya Announcer]

Just.

[Jacob]

Just seeing stupid Voss.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love it. You know, we watched last night, Uncle Laser did a porn podcast and they had the porn star suck his dick and sitting with his dick out the whole time. I don't know if it's a terrible or or whatever, like neutral career move for him. It's terrible, but not a bad dick.

[Jacob]

Yeah, I understand.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know if I said that on the show yesterday because it was such a shocking thing. I was like, this guy is like decent dick. I guess I would show that on camera more willy nilly than my own dick.

[Jacob]

Yeah, but once you cross that line, there's no coming home.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do feel that way too. I'm like, it's a real like, I'm like, oh, it's like, you know, I don't know, maybe his audience is like.

[Jacob]

It'S like Jason is trying to come back from that move.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe get Karen Feehan. I mean, her stuff's all out there.

[Jacob]

Is she? But is she getting. She's not getting plowed, right? No.

[Bobby Kelly]

But he's also just getting his dick sucked. You know what I mean?

[Jacob]

I think it's a little different for girls. Is it?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know.

[Jacob]

For girls in a showing, your hog is a whole different arena.

[Bobby Kelly]

Showing it in the capacity of like. Yeah, I'll get sucked off on your show by a girl who looks, by the way, 12. Oh no, I think that's her thing is that she looks young. Yeah, she does look young.

[Jacob]

I gotta pretend not to like that right now. Oh, God.

[Bobby Kelly]

Legit. Leslie Lewis said, he goes, dude, I had to stop myself from jerking off to this. And I'm like, really?

[Jacob]

That's just porn.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's just porn. No, I'm saying these guys say, hey, this girl wants to suck your dick, would you do it?

[Jacob]

Yeah, that's a hard, I mean, that's a hard thing to. Jesus Christ. So he, so he had to do the, he had to do the podcast while she was doing it. Was that like, like a little game?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, well, they, they do a trick, they play a, they play a joke on him. It's just kind of funny. They ask them both after she's sucking his dick already, they ask them both if he's, I'll say Uncle Laser, not a bad dick at all. Also not a bad looking guy. I take him in so much as like Uncle Laser, the goofy character of it, that you're like, he's a good looking guy, good looking guy, nice piece, decent piece.

[Jacob]

Definitely got a style. He's in, sure. Yeah, he's leaning into what he looks good in. But I mean he, you know, you got to respect it that he's never going to get like on, you know, network tv.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know if you do or you don't from this, but the thing they play on him can't get on. Well, he's not going to be a sitcom star, but I don't know if that was. That's not his.

[Jacob]

I know. You got to respect it. It's like, I'm going to do what I do, and this is what I do, I guess.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, I don't know if a young me in the moment, I wouldn't definitely do it while two guys sit on the other chairs and watch.

[Jacob]

That's the only way I could get hard.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know, but that's not my thing.

[Jacob]

Yeah, I know.

[Bobby Kelly]

And. But I would. I wouldn't do it like this, but I mean, I would try to, like, probably talk the conversation and be like, I mean, I'll go in the bathroom with her.

[Jacob]

That sounds like one of those crazy Japanese shows where they're just gonna suck you off, but you have to, like.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, do something. Yeah.

[Jacob]

Have a serious conversation about politics.

[Bobby Kelly]

You gotta finish a jigsaw puzzle.

[Jacob]

I hope that's what Dave's career turns into.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jigsaw puzzling. But they do a funny thing where they ask them both while she's blowing them. They go, hey, have you guys both, like, been tested recently? And she goes. She stops sucking his. He's like, yeah, I think I'm all right, man. And then she goes, like. She goes, oh. She goes, I have, like. I have gonorrhea in my. Like, down there, but not in my throat or anything.

[Jacob]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

But they. It's. It's a prank they're doing on. But. Because then they have. The guy looks up while she's blowing him still. The guy looks up, and, like, he started looking up on the phone. He goes, it says if you have gonorrhea, like, you have it like it's in your vagina. It's in your throat. And they have her come over and she's like, nuh. Really? She comes over and looks. And then you see him kind of getting serious, like. Like, oh, my. And then they're like, nah, we're just. With you. She can finish sucking your dick. And then she just goes back to sucking his dicks.

[Jacob]

Prank shows. It really stepped it up. He's just slap you in the face with a pie and now smile.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're on Candid Camera. You're getting sucked off by a girl just said you. She goes, I have aids.

[Jacob]

Here's the thing with this, though. Those guys who are doing this, you're never gonna. The respect level is just. The bar is lower.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, it's like a jerk, mate. Fucking podcast and stuff like that. But I'm just saying, it's like, it's like you're really like going, like, man, that's not a great idea for you. But I'd say personally, it's like, you know, I know he's got like a following and a name, but I said, again, maybe this is a commercial for him to get and it won't make a difference at all. I don't know. There's so many different things now, you know, like, there's so many different avenues. It kind of doesn't matter.

[Jacob]

This is like a 1987, 1995 Avenue. This is like Old School Avenue. I gotta know, does he come?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know.

[Jacob]

You can't come in front of other guys.

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you mean?

[Jacob]

Oh, she does. I mean. Oh, she really does do it good, though, Bobby. No, I mean, she's a baby. I'm talking about the facial. I wouldn't be able to talk. It's just so wild to hear. He's literally not being affected by this. I wonder if her self esteem's on the line too, because it's like. Like he should be moaning and groaning and being like, into it. He's just having a normal conversation.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, he's boned up, so I mean, probably making her feel pretty good. Keep it. A guy boned up while everyone's watching him and his dick sucks.

[Jacob]

There's literally two guys watching him and.

[Bobby Kelly]

He'S two dudes from a podcast. Go on.

[Jacob]

Regular guys.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go on, get your dick sucked. We'll wait.

[Jacob]

You better get used to it. Because if you want that fucking farm and you want those, save those buffalo.

[Bobby Kelly]

You'Ll have to open your heart to this kind of shit.

[Jacob]

Yeah, dude, you're going to have to get into this. You're going to have to know what's going on. You understand? So why don't you take notes?

[Bobby Kelly]

Anyway, welcome back from taking a piss. We're back to Christine.

[Jacob]

Now, did you sit to pay or did you stand? I sat for you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thanks.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

All during show pisses have to be sitting down. It doesn't matter here right now. I'm opening for Shane tonight, everybody.

[Jacob]

Where?

[Bobby Kelly]

If you're there, at the Madison Square Garden.

[Jacob]

Oh, my God, we're there, huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

We're all there. Look out for everybody.

[Jacob]

Congratulations.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank you. Bobby Kelly is going to be at Laugh it up in Poughkeepsie this weekend.

[Jacob]

That hurts. Why? I'm going to be at the Garden with Shane. Bobby's going to be in that town that never was oh, do you want to.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what? Let's do it. Reverse. You do mine first after I say this. Hey, everyone. Right now I'm opening for Shane Gillis. Then tomorrow, go ahead.

[Jacob]

I'm going to be at Poughkeepsie.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no. So you do mine because you say like yours were a letdown.

[Jacob]

Will be. He's gonna be at Chicago Improv in Schaumburg this weekend. Sold out shows. I think there's only a few tickets left. Right. And you have a matinee, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't say the whole idea was for you to take the shot down that you thought I was doing to you.

[Jacob]

No, you can't because you have great shows coming up. Are you in a change show? Are you in Poughkeepsie?

[Bobby Kelly]

I wouldn't do that club. I'm kidding. I love that club. Laugh it up. I love that place. Yeah, of course. Yes, I will be in Poughkeepsie A eventually.

[Jacob]

Eventually. Well, I did it when your career.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did it like months ago. Yeah.

[Jacob]

No, I'm kidding. I love those guys too. Yeah, I'm gonna be in Poughkeepsie this weekend. Great club. Right off the train. And then. And then I'm gonna be a comedy works, which is awesome. That's a great club. And I'm gonna be in Columbus, Ohio. Batavia, Illinois. Just go to Punchup Live, Robert Kelly and see Big J se this weekend.

[Bobby Kelly]

Daniel Beach, Fort Worth, Nashville.

[Jacob]

All your shows are selling out.

[Bobby Kelly]

You killed. No, not all of them are selling out. Well, it's. Big J is the greatest Yapper alive tour. Yeah, Greatest Yapper alive.

[Jacob]

I saw your promotion and has the list of. Hey, this is sold out. A lot of sold out shows.

[Bobby Kelly]

Chicago this weekend.

[Jacob]

Yeah, a lot of sold out shows. Congratulations, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank you, Bobby. And we love you guys. We'll catch you next Monday. We're back Monday next week, Right? We're doing it right. Whole week.

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