Jacob's War On Hair

Summary

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The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly

Episode: Jacob’s War On Hair
Date: March 13, 2026
Platform: SiriusXM Faction Talk

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Episode Overview

In this lively and unfiltered installment, “Jacob’s War On Hair,” co-hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly—joined by regulars Jacob and Christine—dive deep into body hair preferences, trends, and the oddities of human grooming standards. The episode is packed with unguarded banter, classic Bonfire irreverence, and a hilarious group roast of social norms, pop culture, movie realism, and even themselves. The group also riffs about infamous YouTube comedy specials, share personal stories, and playfully psychoanalyze Jacob’s strong stance against women’s body hair.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Drumming Revisited

Timestamps: 01:13 – 07:10

• Bobby shares his excitement about returning to drumming, buying an electric kit so his son Max can play for school events.
  • “Dude, when you start to play ‘When the Levee Breaks,’ there's something that just makes you go, what did I ever give this up for? This is the coolest thing ever.” — Robert Kelly (01:45)
• They discuss classic rock drum parts and the mythos of John Bonham’s legendary sound on Led Zeppelin tracks.
• The back-and-forth between Bobby’s belief in ‘folklore’ versus technical explanations:
  • “I’m not into facts. I like a folklore. And I'm sure Jay likes a folklore too.” — Robert Kelly (06:00)
  • “I do. You know, Michael Jackson actually turned into a werewolf one time for the video.” — Jay Oakerson (06:12)

2. Viral Trends and Dark Laughs

Timestamps: 08:01 – 10:10

• Jay brings up a viral video involving a handicapped child and reflects on whether it’s wrong to laugh.
  • “Maybe I'm a piece of shit. I am. I know I am.” — Jay Oakerson (09:04)
• The hosts discuss the morality of sharing or reacting to sensitive content on social media and who is truly at fault.

3. Gym Routines Lead to Hair-Raising Realizations

Timestamps: 10:10 – 16:24

• Jacob’s tale of encountering a woman with visible armpit hair at the gym launches the main debate.
  • “You know what? But why should I have to see this? I know you're a gross pig. Go to a gross pig gym down the street.” — Jacob (10:52)
• The crew spirals into movies/TV realism and whether “period pieces” should show historically accurate levels of body hair, and why Hollywood never makes female characters look as rough as history would dictate.

4. The War On Female Body Hair

Timestamps: 16:24 – 23:08

• Extended riffing on women’s body (and facial) hair preferences, societal standards, and the group’s visceral responses.
  • “If I live with you and you're letting your armpit hair grow, I'm gonna punch you in your armpit and find that spot that Bruce Lee says shuts your body off.” — Jay Oakerson (15:21)
  • “If there was an apocalypse, do you know how ugly our girls would become? Very fast.” — Robert Kelly (15:38)
• Discussion of women’s shaving practices, the “trend” of grown-out body hair, and personal anecdotes about gross-outs and turn-offs.
  • “I guarantee every woman you've ever kissed, if she just let her face go, she'd have chin hair and a mustache. Every woman.” — Robert Kelly (16:27)

5. “Would You Still Hook Up?” Hypotheticals

Timestamps: 21:12 – 24:43

• Comedic hypotheticals: Would you stop if you discovered your dream girl had significant armpit hair?
  • “It immediately in your head you go, I'm gay. Immediately.” — Robert Kelly (30:02)
  • Repeated challenges between the crew about where the line really is for personal preference versus “trend tolerance.”

6. Leg Hair is the Final Frontier

Timestamps: 31:05–36:54

• The crew agrees that visible, full leg hair is a “boner killer”—worse than armpit hair.
  • “Hair on the legs. I would stop a sexual situation... like, you weren't ready for this. And weirded out.” — Jay Oakerson (31:35)
  • “Full man hairy legs. That was the first time I’ve seen that...” — Jacob (35:04)

7. Roasting Reality and Online Comedy Specials

Timestamps: 42:03 – 52:42

• The group watches and mercilessly roasts a comedian’s YouTube “special” filmed in a bar with sports games playing on background TVs.
  • “You do think you’d have this material pretty tried and triggered... Well, at least even if I just go through the jokes, these all work.” — Jay Oakerson (47:18)
  • “How could you… How many people would be at his funeral?” — Jay Oakerson (48:49)
• Bobby, Jay, and Christine swap horror stories about their own on-tape performances, awkward camera angles, and personal self-image on stage.

8. The “Okerson Girls” and Family Photos

Timestamps: 39:00 – 41:44

• A tangent about Jay’s family photos and the “Okerson girl look” becomes a running joke about their own awkward adolescent appearances.

9. Final Riffs and Plugs

Timestamps: 53:17 – 54:59

• Jacob is mocked for his hardline stance on grooming; Christine and Bobby gently push back, discussing personal comfort over aesthetics.
• The group closes with friendly plugs for upcoming gigs, and gentle ribbing about travel, aging, and physical mishaps.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Armpit Hair:
  • “She put her arm over her head and it was just. Just full... Not even just. I mean a full pit of arm.” — Robert Kelly (12:48)
• On Movie Realism:
  • “You can period pieces. The girl in Braveheart who gets her throat cut. The best looking teeth I’ve ever seen.” — Jacob (13:14)
• On the “Leg Hair” Outrage:
  • “She wore white stockings to, like, the Oscars or something. You could see her hairy legs.” — Jay Oakerson on Monique (35:36)
• On Bad Comedy Specials:
  • “It wasn't special enough for them to turn the televisions off in the place... at the end, it's gonna say, special thanks to Larry’s Pub and Grill.” — Jay Oakerson (49:56)
• On Accepting Flaws:
  • “I empathize very much with Peter (from Cosby Show). I was like, all my friends are black and their black dads make me sit on their knee.” — Jay Oakerson (41:23)

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Key Segments and Timestamps

• Drumming and Folklore: 01:13–07:10
• Viral Internet Video & Moral Dilemmas: 08:01–10:10
• Gym Encounter and the Armpit Hair Debate Begins: 10:15–13:28
• Armpit, Facial, and Nipple Hair Deep Dive: 16:18–17:11, 21:22–30:02
• Would-You-Still-Hook-Up? (Roleplaying with Jacob): 21:12–24:43
• Leg Hair: The Group's Limit: 31:05–36:54
• Roasting a Comedy Special: 42:03–52:42
• Family Photos and Okerson Girls: 39:00–41:44

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Tone and Style

Highly conversational, raw, and often brutally honest. Jay and Bobby play off each other—razzing, confessing, and giving each other (and their friends) the business, blending tasteless wit with surprising moments of insight. Jacob’s discomfort is a recurring comedic engine.

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For Listeners

If curious about how comedians really feel about modern grooming trends—and what makes (or breaks) sexual attraction in the age of body positivity—this is an unvarnished, funny, and very real conversation. The Bonfire crew doesn’t shy away from the uncomfortable truths and runs wild with whatever tickles, infuriates, or intrigues them.

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Further Listening

• Previous episodes: For even more candid backstage takes on comedy, body image, and social trends.
• Listen live: Every Monday–Thursday, 5pm ET on SiriusXM Faction Talk Channel 103.

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Transcript

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[C]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[A]

Started playing drums again.

[B]

Dude, did you.

[A]

I bought an electric kit. Yeah, Something was selling one for like a little bit friend of mine, so I bought it. Max is playing in the band a couple songs for the high school. He's gonna play drums on some music night. And I put the plan on electric kit, not acoustic. So I was like, dude, I got one in storage. I hooked it up and I started playing again. It's fun, dude. I started playing.

[B]

Do you have anything where you can plug the music into it?

[A]

Everything plugs into it. I got all the headphones. You can't even hear it. He was playing at like 11 last night. I was fine with that. Can't even hear it, but I started playing. Dude, when you start to play when the levy breaks, there's something that just makes you go, what did I ever give this up for? This is the coolest thing ever.

[B]

It's hilarious. The songs I play are so different. I play. They don't write them like that Anymore. By Greg Kin Band.

[A]

What song is that?

[B]

The breakup song.

[A]

Let me hear it. I want to hear it.

[B]

It's a simple song to have fun with.

[C]

Ah,

[B]

right now, this is like AC DC now. Very simple. 4, 4. But when it gets to the chorus this time he gets to do a little fun. Just snare fill. It's very fun. Turn it up. Let them feel these drums.

[A]

One, two.

[C]

Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle.

[A]

That's a good one.

[B]

And then on. Don't you forget about me Coming out of the. Out of the bridge. What.

[A]

What about. What about Molly Crue? What about Molly Crue?

[B]

Man, it's crazy.

[A]

What about. What about Van Halen?

[B]

Now turn it up, Lil. See, we're at. On this one.

[A]

Yeah, that high.

[B]

Yeah. Wait.

[A]

Ooh.

[B]

And you talk. You can talk to the crowd while you just fucking.

[A]

You're high hat and fur on the floor, baby.

[B]

I look High hat up a little bit.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah, a little bit. Let it up a little bit.

[B]

One more time. Come on, man.

[C]

And Bobby, here it comes.

[A]

There it is.

[B]

Third 1. Don't act like you didn't get a little bit hard when I hit that high hat. Open the high hat.

[A]

The reason why you got me really hard is you held on. Yeah, you went. That was great. The drums are the best, dude.

[B]

So fun. Because you don't have to really be good at them to kind of sort of figure them out.

[A]

Yeah, but your fate. The drum face is the best.

[B]

And you're not supposed to really lift your foot like this with your. I just want you to know that I was hitting it.

[A]

That's what Tommy Lee does. He doesn't need to go. Hell.

[B]

Well, that's what. God Smack ey is so great. He does rubber arms. He's wild.

[A]

The. I got bumped up, though. What's his name was supposed to. I was teaching him when the Levy breaks, which is a great song. And I. I. You know the story behind that. That on the second. Can you play when the Livy breaks A little bit.

[B]

George Bush doesn't care about black people.

[A]

That doom bat, doom. Don't, don't bow. See it. Don't, don't bow. It's not don't, don't bap. It's just there was such an echo in the room that it sounds like.

[C]

No, he's using an effect on the drums.

[A]

Yeah. No, this is the story. They were doing it in this room that it sounded. It wasn't using an effect.

[C]

I believe he is.

[A]

He was not using an effect. John Bottom didn't use an effect. It was. The echo in the room made it sound like there was an extra bass drum in there. Listen. Crank it up. Doom bat right here. Doom. Don't, don't bow. It's not dun dun bow. It's dun dun. And it sounded like an extra one. That's the story. Bum bum bum bum bum bum you. Yeah, right.

[B]

Bum bum bum bum bum you. Bum bum bum bum bum you.

[A]

Before Sherlock Sleepy Eyes over here had to step in on the story.

[C]

I watched the Drumeo video.

[A]

Listen, listen, dude, I didn't Ask. Nor did I fucking need it.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

The other story, the folklore, which I'm into folklore. I. I guess you're into science and facts. I'm not into facts. I like a folklore. And I'm sure Jay likes a folklore too.

[B]

I do. You know, Michael Jackson actually turned into a werewolf one time for the video.

[A]

Did you know that?

[C]

Do tell.

[A]

What was that? Special effects.

[B]

Oh yeah. No. He succumbed to the Lycan lifestyle for one night. And then through an amulet and different chants and incantations, he was able to kill the curse.

[A]

Don't let Jacob use his fingers to find out the real facts.

[B]

It's a real story.

[C]

Using echo delay on Listen.

[B]

Placing his kit at the base of a three story stairwell in Headley Grange, England. He used two beyerdynamic ribbon microphones hung from the top. Utilizing the natural massive reverb reverb augmented by a binson echoric delay unit and heavy compression. It's instruments.

[A]

Yeah, it's instruments in folklore.

[B]

Okay. I'm willing to accept that. Cause I'll be honest with you. It was a little split in the middle. The answer.

[C]

Yeah, I'm sure he did both. It had a lot to do with where he put.

[B]

Where he put the drums. Yeah.

[A]

And I. I was excited to explain my little story to Max. You know what he did? He goes, hey, did you know that that second thing is not real? That's because of the room he. With the room he did it in and the. The echo of the drum. He just cut me off and told me the story I was going to tell. I was like, go fuck this.

[B]

Did you already tell it to him before?

[A]

No, I never told it. I never played when the levy break for him. He never heard it. But I guess his drum teacher told him the story. The folklore. Can I. I gotta tell you something real quick, guys.

[B]

He's gonna. He's gonna do a thing. When he. After his drum recital, he's gonna. I want to thank the one person always stood behind me. My drum teacher from school. Bobby's gonna be like Bobby. It was achieved by placing his drums in a stairwell. A Victorian house. Which created a massive thundering sound. Zip boo bap dim dam dop dop.

[C]

You.

[B]

Did you guys not. Did no one else piss themselves laughing at that lady again? Handicapped child. Sing a song with her. Did you not. That made me laugh. I've laughed out loud. You couldn't put it on again right now. And it would make me laugh just the same as the first time I saw it. Her face. I forget the Song.

[C]

Right.

[B]

But she just goes and she puts it over to the door. She goes. She just makes a noise.

[A]

Explain to people what's going on.

[B]

I don't know what's going on. It's a lady. It's a hot lady.

[D]

It's a trend.

[B]

It is.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. It's a really, really cute lady.

[A]

Hispanic lady with a burn victim child.

[B]

I don't know. It looks like the thing from American dad that the evil doctor made.

[A]

It's 100.

[B]

It looks like Billy from American dad.

[A]

It's 100% a child that was caught in a fire and something God awful

[B]

has happened to this child. And she doesn't want to be a part of this.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

She can't. I don't think she can move.

[B]

Wherever you place her. She is.

[A]

Her skin grafts would actually come off if she raised her arms and got into this.

[B]

I don't think her arms and legs fold. I don't think they bend. Is this. Did you just. You see this here?

[C]

Jacob? Yeah.

[B]

Did this not make. Maybe I'm a piece of. I am. I know I am.

[A]

You are a piece of shit.

[B]

I know. The piece of shit is this lady.

[A]

I know, but. Wait a second.

[B]

Go ahead.

[A]

But she's a piece of shit.

[B]

Piece of shit. But you deplorable piece of shit, this lady.

[A]

You are a piece of shit for laughing at this.

[B]

But you are supposed to know pieces of shit like me are out there. And you protect your child from this cruel world. You don't fucking put her out there in the forefront.

[A]

You should have been a lawyer.

[B]

You got.

[A]

Listen, wait a minute. So it's her fault?

[B]

Listen. Take her to the burn victim conventions where they do the fucking things and no one laughs at fucking. Everyone's there, sympathize with this. But you can't just show me somebody I'm never going to. I have no attachment to. This has been put out there to millions of people that would like to see it and let me see it again. My job is to laugh my ass off. Can you make it bigger? Because her face couldn't be more like. She's like.

[A]

I watched it just before I went into therapy.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So that might have had.

[B]

You're trying to feel good.

[A]

I'm trying to connect to my emotions.

[B]

I understand.

[A]

And then you sent me that and then I went into therapy.

[B]

It's up. It's up before therapy for sure. It is.

[C]

Before you do this. Another pet peeve. I'm at the gym.

[A]

You went to the gym?

[C]

Leg day on Friday. I go do leg day at the gym and hit the steam room. No. God, no.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Never in my life.

[A]

Sauna.

[C]

Never.

[A]

You like to see what's going on? You know.

[C]

No, I'm on the. The, you know they have the green mat so that people can do all their gay. Yeah.

[B]

Really?

[C]

One girl is on the mat and she's doing her stretches. Like really trying to do yoga stretches. And I'm. I'm looking for a second and then I see full armpit hair. Like she doesn't give a. Look at. Look at my pit hair.

[B]

You know what?

[C]

But why should I have to see this? I know you're a gross pig. Go. Go to a gross pig gym down the street.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

Is there a gross pig Jim down the street?

[C]

I believe so.

[A]

Really?

[B]

You should have accosted her.

[C]

But normally I'll see it in like a. On. On tv. These women that are so proud of their armpit hair.

[A]

Yeah, like our. A period piece.

[B]

No, no, no, not a period piece. I know exactly you're talking about. I was going to say. Are you watching? Is she now? Do you watch. You're watching Paradise. Oh, yeah.

[A]

That was it. Yeah.

[B]

Shailene Woodley.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Are you caught up on it?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Shailene Woodley had. And by the way, probably the best she's looked in a while because she really is that kind of person. And I do get. Technically the world has ended. Maybe what makes sense. But she has a sex scene with a guy and fa.

[A]

Yeah, she has armpit.

[B]

It takes everything away.

[A]

The world ended.

[B]

The world did end.

[A]

She's living in Elvis.

[C]

With your hands.

[A]

But she's living in Elvis's house.

[B]

Yeah, she lives in Elvis's house.

[A]

I'm sure he doesn't have girl razor blades.

[B]

He didn't. And there's no. There's just no razor blades in general. The world literally ended. So, yeah, the fact she's armpit hair is understandable. And if you were an end of the world guy, you would eventually get over armpit hair Jacob. I would too, but I don't think so. But seeing this. But I'm talking about as the human, the actress, it reminded me. I was like, oh, this is the cutest. She's looked at my. Why not? And I think Christine pointed out and she's right. She looks like Karen Feehan. Shailene Woodley. They have very similar faces.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she looked great on the show. And then that armpit hair made it go right to like. Oh, yeah, I forgot. She is that person. She's like body odor. Is how you're supposed to smell. She's like one of them people.

[A]

Yeah, she's shocking. It shocked me. I was so into that episode. It was such a cool episode that she went in, she went to Graceland to survive the apocalypse. Hanging out. I mean it was great. And then when that scene came, I was like, oh great, we're a little sexy time. And then she put her arm over her head and it was just. Just full.

[C]

Damn it.

[A]

Not even just. I mean a full pit of arm.

[C]

See, that's an actor's choice. Because look, every movie is unrealistic. I've said point this out. You can period pieces. The girl in Braveheart who gets her throat cut. The best looking teeth I've ever seen. Yeah. Mrs. William Wallace didn't have teeth.

[A]

The real William in 18.

[C]

1840.

[A]

In 18. What was 18 something. The Yellowstone Show. The hot blonde ad on pit hair.

[C]

They must one I love.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Michelle Randolph, the young one from Landman. No, she wouldn't do that.

[A]

The blonde in the 1800 one with a crossing with Sam Elliot. The Smokin Hop Lawn. She had armpit hair.

[D]

Cause it was the 1800s.

[B]

They're calling a girl with armpit hair the lived in look.

[C]

You can let things slide. You don't have to go for realism is my point. In the movies, well, that's about. Sure they had armpit hair like animals to progress.

[B]

But I'm almost arguing that though. I wonder if people. If they've tested that enough to know that people respond. Even though it's ridiculous to make a movie where you make, you know, Mary Todd Lincoln like a gorgeous young actress playing her. Do you know what I mean? But like would people accept if you hired actresses and made their makeup to make them like what they were like an ugly tooth missing, like fucking late. Would people accept those movies the same Because I'm thinking that Mel Gibson even like he had like what's her face playing like? Mary Magdalene was like. Was a girl in Passion of the Christ. It's the girl from Monica Bellucci. Monica Bellucci is like the thing and it gets. Mom, I think was like a pretty lady. It's like they now probably. These were probably rough looking chicks.

[A]

I liked it that they had it in a period piece when the chick has armpit hair because it makes you. It makes it. It's more.

[B]

Didn't Deadwood do that you don't like? I think.

[C]

Was that Annie?

[A]

A lot of French girls.

[B]

I think the prostitutes in general all had armpit hair.

[C]

Yeah. I wasn't into that either.

[A]

A lot of French.

[C]

A lot of fren.

[A]

Girls have armpit hair. I had a girl come over to give me a slide massage. She had full armpit hair.

[B]

I kick her back out.

[A]

It didn't bother me.

[B]

You should kick her back out.

[C]

I'm just saying it's become this trend and nobody likes it except the women that are doing it. No guy's into it.

[A]

I wouldn't live with it. Like, if dawn started to do it, I'd tell her to beat it and I'd shave her armpits in the middle of the night.

[B]

If I live with you and you're letting your armpit hair grow, I'm gonna punch you in your armpit and find that spot that Bruce Lee says, shut your body off.

[C]

Nobody's gonna blame you for it.

[B]

Yeah, what happened? Well, I was actually just trying to punch her in her hairy armpit. You'll understand that. It turns out Bruce Lee was right. There's a shut off switch inside your armpit.

[A]

If there was an apocalypse, do you know how ugly our girls would become? Very fast.

[B]

That's why. That's the first reason why I run to the mushroom cloud. Dude, I gotta be with you. Fucking no more dental hygiene. Ugly ass bitches. You're gonna, you're gonna.

[A]

You're gonna almost shoot Christine one night. Be like, yo, who are you? Dude, it's me. Oh, you have a beard.

[B]

Christine's gonna. Christine's gonna have that, like that little girl syndrome. She's gonna be all burned up on her face and arms.

[C]

You don't watch TV and movies for realism. You want women to be beautiful. Everyone wants.

[A]

Women only started shaving hair in like, what, the last hundred years? Maybe all the way up until before then. They didn't do that.

[C]

Yeah, because we like it this way.

[A]

So if there's an apocalypse, you think women are gonna shave?

[C]

Create the get a rock.

[A]

I guarantee every woman you've ever kissed, if she just let her face go, she'd have chin hair and a mustache. Every woman.

[B]

He's not wrong.

[A]

Every woman you've ever.

[B]

Look at me, Jacob.

[C]

But they take care of themselves. And I appreciate that they take care of themselves.

[B]

If they don't. They're all disgusting.

[A]

Yeah, women.

[B]

Aggressive hairs, neck hairs.

[A]

Oh, chin hairs are the worst.

[B]

Nose hairs.

[A]

Nipple. They have nipple hairs.

[B]

Nipple hair.

[A]

They grow hair on their nips.

[B]

Pretty, pretty girls with great, great tits, buddy. I had my hair right on the nip.

[A]

I had a hot chick, she had the roots hair on her tits. I had a chick with A hair on her tit?

[B]

No, Babs.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

There's the. Your. The. Your sexy Barbra Streisand that you love so much.

[A]

I do think she.

[D]

I think. And Sophia Loren is the sex symbol.

[B]

I think this is. This is AI.

[D]

It comes in style, and you have

[A]

to deal with it more. How happy will you be Happy?

[C]

Will you misfound this?

[D]

I hope you have to deal with. It's like these girls. My eyes. So gross.

[B]

It's disgusting. It is disgusting. I hope Christine armpit hair on chick is disgusting.

[A]

You'd have to put Christine in a circus at Skankfest.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[D]

The J is also, like, a bald pussy guy. It's great, you know, armpit hair. But it's like to be so grossed

[A]

out by the lion.

[C]

Christine. Roar.

[D]

Crazy.

[C]

You tell us you don't like.

[A]

You like bald.

[C]

Let me hear you roar.

[A]

Jacob. You like bald.

[C]

I like shaved.

[A]

You don't like a little bit of hair?

[C]

I'm not gonna throw you to say, get out. But I prefer bald. Yeah.

[A]

So if it had a full. She had a full bush. Not shaved.

[C]

What are we talking? Full.

[A]

We're talking natural is what it is. Is what it is.

[B]

Oh, that's.

[C]

That's crazy.

[A]

Like, she puts underwear on. It's coming out the side like. Like a black guy.

[C]

Oh, Jesus.

[B]

Nobody wants that.

[C]

Nobody wants that right off.

[B]

Nobody wants that.

[C]

You won't either.

[A]

You don't have to dig through the forest to get to the bubble gum.

[B]

Would you do that with Mike Calta's foot shavings in it?

[C]

Look at Christine's face. Yeah. Grow up.

[D]

Deal with it.

[C]

Grow up.

[D]

Oh, it's so gross.

[B]

Oh, I can't.

[A]

My eye. I can't take it.

[D]

They're at the gym. How dare they. Sounds like it's crazy.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

It's gross.

[D]

It's a crazy way to think.

[B]

It is gr.

[C]

Gross. It's not crazy.

[A]

Someone reality.

[B]

I'm not hearing that. All of us think it's gross. Attacking Jacob.

[A]

Someone hasn't shaved in a long time.

[D]

I wish I could not shave. I'm obsessed with taking care of.

[A]

What do you shave with? A laser?

[B]

A lightsaber?

[C]

Do it, though. Why do you have to. Why do you care what I think?

[D]

I don't really like it. I don't like. Really. I don't like sleeping with women that have armpit hair. It's not my preference. But you're just so grossed out by it. It's, like, insane to me.

[A]

It's insane. I think you're right.

[C]

Really?

[D]

Like, it's like.

[A]

I think you're right.

[C]

Because the first time I saw it in public, I think.

[D]

Which is like.

[A]

I think she's right. I think she's right about him. He's got a little. He's something.

[B]

He's for sure having a major overreaction.

[C]

He was talking on the air. Should I not bring up stuff on the air?

[A]

You're by an aunt with really big pussy hair.

[B]

Maybe.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't think so.

[B]

She drowned you in that fucking beaver beard.

[A]

Yeah. Someone made you get right in on a mushy box.

[B]

Oh, and it was wet already from piss. It was holding in piss.

[C]

All women. Girls get a septum ring. Grow your armpit hair out. Do it.

[A]

Jacob, tell us what happened. What happened, Jacob?

[B]

Who was she? What'd she do? She put you in a headlock and gave you a noogie. But she had armpit hair. You felt on the back of your neck.

[A]

Were you suffocating? Were you suffocating? You couldn't breathe.

[B]

You felt that coarse hair on the back of your neck while she noogied you.

[A]

And that's why you go to the gym, because you want to be able to fight that off if it happens again.

[B]

Dude, you're gonna fight that girl from grade school again?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Jacob, what happened? Who. Who took you? Who took you?

[C]

I'm bringing. I'm angry, but I'll tell you, this is a trend and it's gonna die. And I'm saying. I'm just pointing out it's a stupid trend.

[B]

It'll always exist, though, to some degree. Jill Noogie Lamont was the girl in my school who was a cute girl. Then she would armpit hair immediately just makes you like, oh, it's so dudish. And like, gh. I'm with you, Jacob. I hate it.

[C]

Get over it, Jay.

[B]

I hate it.

[C]

Yeah, well, get over it.

[B]

Well, I am over it. That's almost the point, though, if I see it. But I wouldn't fuck. But I agree with you, Jac. I wouldn't it.

[A]

Let me ask you a question, you smoking hot chick. You like her. You've already. You made out. You've kissed. You fell in love with her. You haven't.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

I fell out of love.

[A]

So you get into bed with her and she has a little bit of armpit hair and she.

[C]

That's a little like, I didn't shave

[A]

for three days like yours.

[C]

No, Come on. No, you're not into this. But also, Jacob, stout as I am.

[B]

But, Jacob, you Are if I'm attracted to the. The girl and she had armpit. It was too late.

[A]

Too late.

[B]

You're in it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I. I would ask you to do this for me.

[A]

What?

[B]

Before we start.

[D]

While you're eating.

[C]

No, no, no.

[D]

When you're coming up from eating her back.

[A]

No.

[C]

I would hold back my vomit and like a day or two, I'd say

[B]

no, no, but you do what you want.

[C]

But I'm saying it would be more.

[B]

But that night, I'm saying you're hooking up. Do you. Do you stop. Do you try to stop hooking up?

[C]

I don't. Give me a hypothetical. I can't even comprehend.

[A]

I'm the girl. We've been together for two weeks. Three days ago, we kissed for the first time. And it was magical.

[B]

Right, because she shaved her face.

[A]

We walked holding hands. And now we're at your apartment. We're gonna make love. And I take my shirt off and you see the hair. Talk to me. Tell me what you do. Jacob.

[C]

So I didn't really know you at all.

[A]

What's up?

[C]

I didn't really know you at all.

[A]

No. What do you mean? Jacob, what do you mean? I love you. You said you love me. You said. This was the. This was magic.

[B]

Come on, baby.

[A]

You were waiting for this to happen. What's wrong?

[B]

Don't treat my bitch like that.

[C]

Christine's making my blood boil with this stupid Google. She did the thing. It's increasingly considered in style to no one but women.

[D]

I hope you're saying that it is. And you're probably gonna have to get more used to it.

[C]

I'm saying it's gonna die out.

[A]

Makes the girlies dreams at Skank Fest this year.

[C]

It's not a thing, Christine.

[B]

It's not a thing. It's always been. It's always been a handful of rogue

[D]

chicks, but also, like, you're in. You know, I know you're not in Brooklyn, but you're in Queens. It's like, that's where the armpit hair girls live.

[B]

There was a girl.

[D]

There was a bar in their town.

[C]

Maybe you're right.

[B]

That was a. There was a bartender at the stand who was so hot. I mean, so hot.

[A]

And sorry, sorry, sorry.

[B]

So. And then one day, yeah, she's, like, lifted. She wore, like a tank top or something to work.

[C]

And so I was like, oh, it's immediate.

[B]

Immediate. Changes everything. Yeah. I'm like, oh, she's not hot anymore.

[A]

I don't mind. I don't mind it. All right, so I'm You.

[C]

You do.

[B]

You are sexually confused, Bobby.

[A]

I'm not. You wouldn't put whatever way you want to put it, Jay.

[B]

I didn't mean to throw you off your game that hard. When I said it, Bobby's like, I just. What? Do you even read my diary?

[A]

It was like Anthony Comey when he

[B]

heard sue lightning a transgendered woman.

[C]

I would have to like, lights off.

[A]

How would you.

[C]

Lights off?

[A]

You would do it.

[C]

I'm trying to.

[A]

I love you.

[C]

I love you, too.

[A]

I love you so much.

[B]

It's the first night.

[A]

Do you want. Let me ask you a question. I don't shave my armpits. Is that what's happening? You know what these days feel like? Everything costs more. Groceries, gas, bills. It all adds up. And we've all felt the pressure of trying to make our money stretch a little further. I'm always going over the budgets and what I can buy and my wife. You don't need it. We can't get it. It's a real tough thing to actually take care of what you're spending, have a savings. It's just rough out there for everyone. So when the tax refund hits and you're thinking, what's the best way to keep more in your pocket without giving something up? Well, here's the real life hack for you. Switch to Metro and save with no activation fees and get one line of 5G for only 25 bucks. Yep, only 25 bucks. And no contracts that get in the way. The best thing, you can keep the phone you love and keep your number. That's a lot of ands, but that's exactly the point. Get that more for your money feeling only at Metro. Visit your local store on metrobytmobile.com and switch today. $30 first month, $25 after with autopay.

[B]

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[C]

Oh if she brings it up, I'll say yes. It's kind of bothering me. I know it's cr. I know I'm old fashioned or whatever hanging style.

[A]

Hey Jacob.

[C]

I know it's in style. Freaks like it now.

[B]

That's not gonna get her.

[A]

Jacob. Jacob.

[C]

Maybe not that.

[A]

I just wanna let you know I'm about to leave because. But. Or I'm about to suck your dick like it's never been sucked before. What do you want me to do

[C]

now? Suck it.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Suck you hairy armpit.

[C]

Yeah. Did you get. Suck it, freak.

[B]

Suck it. But keep your arms. Keep your elbows in.

[C]

Keep your elbows.

[B]

Keep your elbows tucked.

[A]

I hope you so hard that you

[C]

keep your shirt on.

[A]

You feel drips from her armpit going into your.

[B]

Oh my God. You're holding her hips. You're holding her hips while she's on top of you. And you feel the armpit sweat just ride down her legs. Tiger claws.

[C]

May I throw it back at the both of you?

[A]

Yeah sure.

[C]

The same situation. Yeah. And of course you're gonna go through it. I've been in situation and that. And your first that your hands touch the armpit hair.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

For the first time. What's your reaction?

[A]

I've done it.

[B]

How much armpit touching I do.

[A]

It's actually.

[C]

Yeah. But it's unavoidable. It's gonna happen. You're gonna brush armpit hair.

[A]

I did it it and you know and okay. And it's. It's. Here's what it is. I've done it because I did it with that girl showed up years ago.

[B]

You were licking her armpit and. No.

[A]

But when my I. My hand did touch it and it's. It immediately in your head you go I'm gay. I'm gay. Immediately you go.

[B]

It does. It injects masculinity into the person. You're for sure. I agree. I agree with you.

[A]

And that's when I got harder and gifted came.

[B]

Yeah. And then Bobby was finally able to achieve full erection. He became fully realized for the first time. Bobby.

[A]

After that a lot of. A lot of How Many women in the world.

[B]

Is that the girl from the stand? Yeah. Dude, look how pretty she was. But that was woof. And armpits immediately.

[C]

Boner killer.

[B]

But see how pretty she is, though? She's, like, so pretty.

[C]

It's.

[D]

She's an American Apparel model.

[B]

Was she really?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, she was, like, a hot chick.

[A]

So it's coming back in now.

[B]

Well, this is a. I don't know if this is.

[D]

This is a while ago.

[A]

No, you read on. 2026. It's becoming a trend now.

[B]

They're saying now it's in style.

[D]

Yeah, but it's kind of been. For the last few years. It's been.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. It's like, either girls just do it or they don't. I think it's a lesbian y thing also.

[A]

Well, good. Well, dawn, she shaves her armpits all the time, but she. She'll go a few days without shaving her legs, which, you know, when you're in bed late at night and my leg touches her leg, and I'm just like. I think that to me, the leg is worse than the armpit.

[B]

Feeling a hairy leg, it's just going against. Going against the grain of anything is pretty gnarly.

[A]

Yeah. Just feel like I'm in bed with a gym teacher or something. It's just like that. You gotta take care of it.

[D]

She's like, I'm sorry.

[A]

I know. I. I've had a lot on my plate. Well, put a razor on your leg, you sasquatch. Yeah, the leg is worse to me than the armpit. You know, it takes a lot.

[B]

If the leg was. Here's the thing. I'd rather have no hair on the armpit and legs. A little scratchy, but hair on the legs actually, like hair. Hair on the legs. I would stop a sexual situation for hair on the legs. Hair. I'd be like. I go, you weren't ready for this. And weirded out.

[A]

Stubble fucks me up more than if it was hair. Like, soft hair. No, I'll tell you why. The stubble.

[B]

I'm picturing long, dark.

[A]

The stubble makes me feel like a guy's beard. You know what I mean? It's like kissing Joe Rogan that five o' clock shadow. The hair. When I was in Brazil, most of the Brazilian girls down there do not shave their legs. They dye their hair blonde so you can't see it, but you're allowed to kill them.

[C]

But stubble means that you're trying to. All right, you skipped A day or something. You at least know that.

[A]

But the feeling cannot be a gross feeling is more masculine to me than soft hair. Soft hair is still soft. Stubble to me is guy beard. Do you know what I mean? What would you rather feel? Jay's soft hair or your. Like, my stubble right here.

[B]

I always hear what you're saying, Bobby. There's a girl I hooked up with a Wawa. A Wawa counter girl that I hooked up with a million years ago. I lived in my mom's house. Yeah. Yeah. And the first night we. I thought she was cute. The first night we made out, I can tell by the texture of, like, above her lip that she got rid of hair on top of her lip. It felt like shave. It felt like shave. Like. It wasn't stubble. It wasn't stubble. It's like, just shaved.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It was not. Yeah. It wasn't like skin smooth. It was like something was done to it.

[A]

It's guy smooth, guys. Yeah. It's like when I shave my head, it's soft, but it's still guy smooth.

[B]

Yeah. No, exactly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's. That is weird.

[A]

I met a Greek chick and we were making out and I felt that same thing, and I was like, well, maybe it's me. Maybe I had. She had a little, like. It was a little, like, stubbly. You know what I mean? But I was like me. So we hooked up the next night, I shaved clean. It was her. She had like a. She had a full on mustache. She had hair under her neck.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

If. If you let her go for a few days, it was going to be bad. Yeah, I. I can't put up with stuff. I hate the stubble.

[C]

I admit that probably. It is probably lesbians that want you to know they don't. They're not into men. Yeah, with the arm.

[A]

Well, that's why Bailey J. Is. They call her a unicorn because she doesn't have hair. She doesn't have, like. She has, like, Indian.

[B]

This guy brings up Bailey J. Every goddamn day's obsessed.

[C]

He does bring her up.

[A]

It's my algorithm.

[B]

I'm sorry, that's your hall pass.

[A]

I'm just trying to make your algorithm my algorithm.

[B]

Why doesn't dawn let you just have sex with Bailey J. Already? She probably wouldn't care. She probably would. She's probably curiously used to see what a fucked ass looks like. Yeah. You have to come home and just show her your ass. Your. Your wet starfish.

[A]

Wait, why are you assuming that I would get in the ass?

[B]

Why Else would you care about hooking up with a girl with a cock?

[C]

God damn right.

[A]

Just see if you know what you're talking about.

[B]

I want to hook up with a guy with a cock, but I just want to do girl stuff to it.

[A]

Last thing you want to see. Last thing you want to see is me riding it.

[B]

It's the first thing I want to see.

[A]

Reverse cowgirl.

[B]

You couldn't be more wrong. It's exactly the first thing that I want to see.

[C]

I got out of the go.

[A]

No good.

[C]

I got out of.

[B]

We have to get back to this comic that we haven't watched yet.

[C]

This is the last thing because you brought up the hairy legs, which is disgusting beyond words. I got out of the Broadway stop. I'm in Astoria, and there's a cute girl ahead of me. So I'm looking what a pretty girl she's wearing. She looks like she's into guys with the dress. I look down, and she's got full man hairy legs. That was the first time I've seen that. Bring up.

[A]

Bring up Monique. Monique's hairy legs. Monique's hairy legs.

[B]

She wore white stockings to, like, the Oscars or something. You could see her hairy legs.

[A]

She did a talk show with her legs out hair. It was disgusting, which is worse.

[B]

She said her husband likes it, and then he left her.

[C]

I don't get the mindset. Like, what are you. What are you trying to prove doing this?

[B]

She can't reach her legs.

[A]

Yeah, that looks like Justin Silver's legs

[B]

because she's top heavy and she's gonna go fucking ass over tea kettle if she tries to shave her legs.

[A]

It's. That, to me, is worse than armpit hair. Because armpit hair, you don't see.

[B]

No, it's worse than ARPA, too. I'm saying if a girl's. Hey. Legs were hairy like that, it would. I'd find a reason to stop the situation.

[C]

Yeah, I'm out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think I can make jokes about it enough. I'm like, yo, did you not know you were gonna meet somebody?

[C]

I would daffy Duck through the wall to get away from her.

[A]

Oh, that was a good one right there. Go up. That one's. Look at that. That.

[D]

That's a.

[A]

That's man hair. That's like. That's like.

[B]

That's fur.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's disgusting. Look at that. That grosses me out more than I'm pinning. Having a whole shin.

[B]

I know. And they also. Also. The hair also really highlights the. The wrinkle where her skin mushes into itself when she bends her knee.

[A]

Yeah, you can see the. Oh, look at that. That's disgusting, man. That's gross.

[B]

I, like. Monique is such a. Like a. One of the main people who like, when I can't listen to her talk, Especially interviews, because everything's like. She talks like she's seen everything in the world. And it's kind of like, now, why is it people say something like that?

[A]

That, brother, do you ever think about

[B]

was like, shut the up. Shave your legs, you gorilla. What the are you doing? Whoa, she's hairy.

[A]

Yeah, I got it.

[B]

I don't think you did.

[A]

I got it.

[B]

I think you made it racist.

[A]

No, I didn't make.

[B]

You should feel bad about what you've done.

[A]

I feel terrible.

[B]

You feel terrible?

[A]

I feel terrible. I just think that there's other.

[B]

Christine. Bring up a white girl with Harry Lizard and call her a gorilla now.

[A]

Please, please.

[B]

Even things out. Thank you. If you can make her fat, too, it would actually help the cause. Type in fat, please. Also fat white girl. If you wouldn't mind.

[A]

Let me know when you got it. Okay. There you go. Now can we say that?

[B]

Look at that gorilla.

[A]

Yeah, there you go. We're back in.

[B]

Okay, Lou, could you please get it on camera this time? Oh, I'm gonna hold the all.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, look at that. That gorilla. That's a white. That's a white chick. I'm pretty sure that's a. I'm calling her a gorilla.

[A]

That's a trans guy. That's a guy. That's not a girl. She picked the wrong one.

[B]

Never mind. Take one. Let's take one. Let's try again. Oh, yeah. No, no, it's just a super ugly chick.

[A]

No, that's gotta be fine.

[B]

Yes, she's just ugly.

[A]

That's a girl.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, God. That looks like your photo. That. Remember the photo of you you're holding your.

[C]

Your.

[A]

Your little cousins. Go back up. What's that photo with Jay in that pink outfit?

[B]

It's not a pink outfit. It's purple and yellow.

[A]

That's your fucking photo right there.

[B]

Dude, we have a similar thing.

[A]

Yeah, dude, you have an exact.

[B]

Okay, look. Sure, we could be. Listen, you have the same related on a.

[A]

Come on, buddy. That looks like your twin sister.

[B]

She didn't fit in the other picture with us.

[A]

It looks exactly like. What was that photo that you were in? Is that your high school photo?

[B]

I don't even know. No, it's me and my brother and sister.

[A]

What is that?

[B]

What is that from Kmart?

[A]

Looks like Your Kmart's photo, dude.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Holy Christine. Please bring up his photo.

[B]

Does she have ears? Does she have those plugs in her ears?

[A]

I think those are earrings.

[B]

No, they are, but I think they're like. They're the ones that, like, they take the whole earring a hole up. Like the plugs.

[A]

That's the same photo. Well, if she committed a crime, they would arrest. They would arrest you. You could get arrested for her crime.

[B]

It's possible. It's possible. I'm less hairy than her.

[A]

Can you please put that out and have somebody take Jay's little brother and sister and put him in the photo? Somehow she was happier because she's a woman.

[B]

She actually is a woman, by the way. I don't know if you can tell by the way. I have no body hair.

[A]

I bet you had that same shirt in this video.

[B]

I have no body in that picture. I have zero body body hair. She looks like Peter from the Cosby Show.

[A]

She looks like the kid in the video. Oh, that's gonna hurt my head.

[B]

I will say my sister Sean in this picture doesn't get a burn victim. Also, it looks like she's my quado. She's attached to my stomach.

[D]

It's crazy. You guys bought this picture?

[B]

No, that's not how it worked back in the day. Back in the day, they took the pictures and you went and picked them up when they were read.

[A]

Get to the reactor. I bet she was there the same day. Photographer was like, weren't you just here? Oh, please, please send me that. I need that on my phone when you. When you call me. That's coming up.

[B]

Was that. She also looks like Peter from the Cosby show, which I also thought I looked like when I was a kid, too. Remember Peter who didn't talk, he just had a bowl cut and sweatpants?

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Stop trying to deter us.

[B]

That's another funny thing that I look like not.

[A]

You look exactly like this girl.

[B]

Bring up Peter from Cosby show, but

[A]

keep this one up, too.

[B]

Sure, but we can't just make the radio show looking at a picture. You have to keep talking. I'm sorry.

[A]

I'm sorry. We.

[C]

We.

[A]

We're going to put this photo out for everybody.

[B]

Little Peter.

[A]

A little Peter.

[B]

I very. I empathize very much with Peter. I was like, all my friends are black and. And their black dads make me sit on their knee.

[A]

It'd be funny if that was your sister. You didn't know you had.

[B]

It's possible. It's possible I could be an OKERSON girl for sure. You gotta see the Okerson girls. The Okerson girls look like fucking Okerson girls.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Oh, boy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I'd love to see these.

[B]

Sturdy.

[A]

That sounds like a bar you'd go to in Nebraska.

[B]

Some sturdy Florida dude. These girls were built for getting good black dick poundings.

[A]

Is there do. We should go to this guy? We should go to this guy. Oh, my God.

[B]

We have to watch the comedian.

[A]

We'll get a little juice out of him. I gotta see the hand. I want to see the hand thing.

[B]

Oh, you'll see it. Oh, God. As soon as we get to his Trump impression.

[C]

Once again, this is.

[D]

We were at this.

[A]

Yeah. What's this guy's name? And this is his special, David Mullen. And it's on YouTube, correct?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And please be respectful. Enjoy fun comedy.

[B]

Enjoy. Ridiculous. Do not discourage people.

[A]

Yeah. Lou, you can't. You can't.

[B]

What?

[C]

You.

[A]

You got to leave nice comments. You have to make sure.

[B]

No, no, no, no. Actually, leave nice comments. Yes or no comments.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, Bobby, don't send him in there to say mean shit. He stops.

[A]

I'm saying leave nice comments. Comments.

[B]

This guy. This guy seems like. I'm sure he's a fine guy.

[A]

We should have him on and ask him why.

[B]

No.

[A]

Like I said, no.

[C]

You talk to him about the craft of comedy.

[A]

We could talk to him about what?

[B]

That's too mean.

[A]

We could talk to him about the. We could talk to him about the choice that he made to have the Sixers game on in the background.

[B]

That's like Windy City Heat. We're going to be Windy City heating. This guy. No, just let him live, dude. Let this guy cook. He will crank out more than one special.

[A]

What if. What if our fans all go there, make him so popular that it goes off the charts, and then his publicist calls in and says, hey, your fans really made this happen. He'd like to come in and. And do the show.

[B]

Okay, then. Yes.

[A]

Okay, great.

[B]

But I need this guy being a theater sellout.

[A]

Yeah, a theater.

[B]

Yeah. I want this guy selling out theaters.

[A]

You don't want clubs first.

[B]

Just go straight to theaters to jump to theater. I want him to be. It's been a whirlwind of a year.

[A]

What about selling out bars like Texas Roadhouse?

[B]

I'll accept that.

[A]

Like, this is filmed also.

[B]

Maybe somebody donates their blinky light background to them. The blinky light background is out of this world.

[A]

Well, you can't take that down. That's their.

[B]

Belongs to the bar.

[A]

Yeah, that's the karaoke light.

[B]

Yes, that is the karaoke light for sure.

[A]

Go ahead, Christine. Now, you can't play with your ipod.

[D]

This is Obama, right?

[A]

Sure is.

[C]

Like, you don't know.

[A]

Who was that?

[B]

That was Obama. What, Bobby?

[D]

The wrong part.

[B]

Bobby.

[C]

I thought.

[A]

I thought he was doing his grandf.

[B]

Bobby.

[A]

What?

[B]

Show some respect. No, Obama.

[A]

Because my brain. Look, I'm not good with impressions. I thought. Now that I hear it, I'm like, that's a good Obama. I thought that was his grandfather. I didn't know that was in the bin. Okay.

[B]

He's going through the president, the last several presidents. He has impressions.

[A]

Okay, great. I'm excited to hear.

[B]

Could you imagine how good it is? This guy's got impressions of the last four to five presidents.

[A]

That's crazy. That's like a. That's an art in itself.

[B]

This guy had one take. He had one take only to get this done. And they told him he had exactly 1 hour and 6 minutes and 1 second to make it. If you go. They told him. He goes. If you go. One second over one hour and six minutes. I'm cutting the camera off. And that's clearly what happened here.

[A]

Well, the burlesque show is on right

[B]

after that, which they do. Turn the TVs off for the burlesque. Brings in the cash.

[C]

I can't.

[A]

I don't know if Jay.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

What.

[A]

I don't know if I can do it.

[B]

He was doing improv, phenomenally.

[A]

I know.

[B]

He just told you.

[A]

I don't know if I can do it.

[B]

You have to get to the hand.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

You have to get the hand in TVs.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

You have to. We've got 20 minutes of show left.

[A]

I don't have my stress whistle. I left it at home.

[B]

You don't need it for this.

[A]

All right, go ahead.

[B]

This is your stress whistle. You have to learn to start enjoying comedy. Falling the pieces the way I do. I don't know. Metzger used to have the same. Same thing. It would. It would give him anxiety. This brings me. I mean, I could just do hours of this.

[A]

Okay, go ahead, sweetheart.

[B]

What's your name?

[D]

Why is your hand wet?

[C]

Because one of us washed our hands a few minutes ago and one of us didn't.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

And then as she says that, you get a nice shot of the fucking game going on in the background. I tell you, with these things, you know, I like to dig in the psychology of it, because one of us. He didn't have a funny answer. That's also not the answer. No, he just. He actually panicked him. So he thought of an excuse and tried to keep it in the character. He goes, one of us washed our hands before they go. You've been on stage for 15 minutes. Yeah, they'd air dry by now.

[A]

He's bombing so bad.

[B]

So bad.

[A]

His hands are sweating.

[B]

His hands are sweating profusely.

[A]

You know how nervous you have to be to have your hands sweat? First it's your armpits, your forehead, armpits. I think your hands are the last thing.

[B]

It's a full blown anxiety attack. Yeah, it happens to me sometimes. I wear mittens, though.

[A]

Is that why you wear mittens?

[B]

No, no, no, no, it's not for that. But I was saying that's why they sweat. But. No, no, but that explains. I definitely has. Like, if I get, if I start getting panicky.

[A]

Your hand sweat.

[B]

If I'm alone and I smoke, like, it doesn't really have much anymore. If I smoke the wrong weed or something like that, like, I'll get like, my palms will sweat. That's part of the thing of me getting like nervous.

[A]

My hands have never sweat in my life.

[B]

Yeah, but I mean, I. But like nothing. Like, certainly not doing comedy.

[A]

No, you should, you should be having a good time. It's your hour.

[B]

It is your special. You do think you'd have this material pretty tried and triggered. Well, at least even if I just go through the jokes, these all work.

[A]

Can I say something? Do you know how wet your hand has to be for the audience member to go, why is your hand wet?

[B]

Or hell not realizing what the fuck. They came to this bar and we're gonna have to deal with. And she's like, why is your hand wet? Why is this whole thing even happening? Well, sweetheart, and the special.

[C]

Look at the camera work here. You don't know where he is?

[B]

Well, you know where this exit. You know where the exit is.

[A]

Is he wearing a pink leather jacket, by the way?

[B]

He's wearing a purple leather jacket.

[A]

It's a. It's a light purple leather jacket.

[B]

It is. And he's wearing a yellow shirt underneath. He's doing like a young again. And Bobby, we can appreciate this too. You got to always give the. The fucking sympathy when you have the sympathy. He lost. I think he was morbidly obese before.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

He lost weight. So now he's trying the live fun with clothes. Except he's a 50 year old side part older gentleman.

[A]

Yeah, he's peacocking a little bit.

[B]

But he's peacocking when he's like a guy who looks like he wears, like, slacks on a Saturday, right? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. They didn't make that purple light purple leather jacket in his size his whole life.

[B]

And he was like, one day, I'm gonna wear a purple leather jacket. No one's gonna call me Barney. And you know what they called him? Nothing. No one called at all. 63 subscribers is so upsetting. You don't know more than people that you've ever performed for more people than that to get them to subscribe to your YouTube channel.

[A]

You couldn't have called your family and their friends?

[B]

How could you? How many people would be at his funeral? That's crazy.

[C]

He was fatter.

[B]

Yeah, he was fat, by the way, it looks like he may have been handsome or fat. There's the games. You see, Forget her. You're looking at her. There's two. The sports bar is alive and bumping in the back.

[A]

There's two games on. There's two different games.

[B]

I promise you. There's eight games.

[A]

That means it's not like an important night where they had to leave the games on because it's the World Series there. This is just a Tuesday with games on.

[B]

But they will not turn the thing. Now, listen, I've done.

[A]

None of those games meant anything, buddy.

[B]

I've done shows in places like Albany and like that over the years. Years where they've said that. I go, when you get there, and you're like, hey, we're doing this comedy night here. Like, can you turn the TVs off? And they go, nah, dude, bread's buttered up there at the bar, dude. Yeah, People come in and watch the games. And then. And then they came in with, like a. There was like a bar crawl happening that came in during the middle of the show. And I'm saying these are kind of shows. But here's the thing. I wasn't performing my special. That was a Tuesday where they asked me and Dave Smith to come up and do a shitty show at a bar. And we did it like. So that's what it's supposed to. You're not supposed to film this and call it your special.

[A]

This whole special should have been one camera angle the front.

[B]

It wasn't special enough for them to turn the televisions off into place at the end of the special. It's gonna say, special thanks to Larry's Pub and Grill.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

This is the only special that had to get Major League Baseball to sign off on it.

[B]

Any reproduction of this Is an expressly

[C]

filmed it and then released it. I can't get over that.

[A]

What was he gonna not know?

[B]

You're. No, you're right, Jacob. You said two things. Filmed it. Filmed it and released it. What he left out was editing of any kind or watching it back once.

[A]

Yes, this could have been cut out.

[C]

I killed it.

[B]

Got good cameras. Undeniably good camera. He could have cut everything out. He could have cut every. Hey, guys. I say cut out every reverse shot where I look like a fat turd on a stool. This guy could definitely say, can you make sure they don't see the TVs are on?

[D]

Yeah, we cut a whole camera one time.

[B]

They were like, this one's gonna shoot you from low and behind. I'm like, buddy, send the back. I don't. I'd rather have one camera still in front of me than you keep roving behind. And I just know it. And then everyone's going to see me sit up. My butt crack's going to pop out

[A]

my camera and kill box. I wanted the side shot, so you get the whole crowd around me. The worst decision I've ever made. All you see is me and my stomach sticking out of a leather jacket.

[B]

It's so sad when your belly's cutting out. People in the audience's torsos, but you still see their heads over.

[A]

Makes me so sad watching that special and none of you helped me.

[D]

It was right before your weight. Well, you magically started losing weight and getting it together.

[A]

All you guys were letting me die.

[B]

I know. You didn't tell us about the thing. You imagine ours thing, too, when we were like, you were so heavy and then didn't tell us you got a surgery. And then one day in Montreal came and said, guys, there's black stuff coming out of my dick. And me and Ari were like, this is it. This is what we've been preparing for.

[A]

Look at.

[B]

And then he was like, all right, I got a surgery.

[A]

Right there, right there. Look at my stomach. Look at my stomach.

[B]

You see what I'm saying where you're, like, hiding a guy. Oh, even your jokes are about chewing.

[A]

That's the worst. That side shot. I should have been right there. That's it. Not your eyes, Bobby.

[B]

Your eyes.

[A]

Sweats crazy, you know it wasn't sweating.

[B]

Your hands. Yeah. Never made it down there.

[D]

Like, dripping.

[A]

That's it right there. Look at that shot. I.

[B]

You should have carried a towel like a black comic, dude.

[A]

I did add a towel thing. I just never went to it.

[B]

You got to behave. You have to act like Tony Roberts on stage with half. With one eighth the energy.

[A]

I should. I should have. I should add ham. Just take a little ham break in between my jokes.

[B]

Damn, dude.

[A]

Get the salt back in my body.

[C]

Yeah, you have to have a name like moved independently.

[B]

You should have call yourself Bob Bob. Like Bruce Bruce Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob. We have that. We have to wrap up.

[A]

We gotta wrap up. God damn. Monday. No, Tuesday.

[B]

We're gonna get back more. We're only 10 minutes in.

[A]

Are we really?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Jacob, look, this girl dyes it pink so it's sexier.

[A]

Oh, there you go.

[B]

The armpit is you.

[A]

Yeah, you'll love that.

[B]

Why?

[A]

That's like Star Trek disgusting.

[B]

Christine really wants to grow her armpit hair and have you lick it. Jacob. I don't know what her deal is.

[D]

I do not.

[A]

Oh, I'd love it.

[B]

She's hyped.

[A]

I'm just not so offended by it. If Christine just gave up and just a hair grow.

[C]

Yeah, you're a girl. That's the reason.

[B]

Yeah, you're a girl.

[A]

Jay would get a shed for her to live in in the back.

[B]

Robert Kelly.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

He's gonna be at the Verve In Somerville, New Jersey. Bring your hairy armpits. You don't care.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

On March 9th. That's March 19th. It's next to a pretty good pizza place.

[A]

Wear a tank top.

[B]

Wear a tank top and really let everybody see your burgers.

[A]

Only doing this gig for the pizza.

[D]

Pizza spot.

[A]

I want to go. Please come, you guys. Please. We're going to pizza before. Please you come do a guest spot

[B]

5 Christine Come Comics Roadhouse in Connecticut, April 17th and 18th. After that, he's gonna be in Uncle Vinny's in Jersey. Cleveland, Ohio, New Orleans on deck. After that for tickets and all of his tour dates go to punch up dot live. Slash. Robert Kelly, of course, is YouTube Robert Kelly comedy. And every Tuesday night, you can catch him live at the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge at the Comedy Cellar.

[A]

Yeah, Big J is going to be this weekend. He's at San Francisco at Cobb's Comedy Club.

[C]

Club.

[B]

Do you know I'm in the front end of 26 weeks in a row?

[A]

Yeah, but, dude, you are killing it. I. I don't. I did it for years.

[B]

I just keep going.

[A]

I don't have it in me anymore. Yeah, yeah, I'm going. I'm going skiing tomorrow. Tonight I'm going up to New Hampshire again. Yeah, tonight.

[B]

But you keep saying you're going skiing. You just go. You don't ski. Though.

[A]

No, I am. Tomorrow I'm taking a lesson. Friday, I'm taking a lesson.

[B]

Well, hopefully Tuesday Bobby will be in here without casts or whatnot. I don't know if you remember, but he got hurt. Hurt. He tore his ACL playing flag football with Dane Cook when he was 20 years younger. So this should work out great.

[A]

San Francisco Comedy Club this week on the 6th and 7th. After that, the Comedy Zone in Jacksonville March 13th and 14th. And then he's going to be in Madison, Phoenix, Tempe and St. Louis. Get your tickets now because these shows are selling out every week. He's selling out. That's why he's on the road every week, because he's making that money, baby. So make sure you get your tickets immediately when you hear this. BigJ comedy.com punchup live bigjokison if you want to get tickets and see all his other stuff. YouTube.com Big Jokerson for his live shows and his specials. And that's it.

[B]

Yeah, we'll see you back on Monday. If Bobby's Bobby survives skiing.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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