Jay Bothers Another Celebrity

Summary

The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: Jay Bothers Another Celebrity
Aired: July 22, 2026
Podcast Host: SiriusXM (Faction Talk Channel 103)

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Episode Overview

In this comedic and unfiltered episode, Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, joined intermittently by their crew and studio guests, deep-dive into the perils of social awkwardness—especially when it comes to Jay’s tendency to over-DM celebrities he admires. The “incident” central to the episode is Jay’s hilariously persistent and cringeworthy attempt to befriend Adam Granduciel, lead singer of The War on Drugs, despite receiving minimal response. From NYC street food rants, to power-tripping TSA agents, to dysfunctional family stories and jorts fashion debates, the conversation is irreverent, blunt, and packed with self-deprecating humor and punchy banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

I. Classic Bonfire Banter: Hot Dog Cart Woes

[02:00-05:45]

• Jay and Bobby lament the unfriendly attitude of NYC hot dog vendors and discuss the famed halal cart “Adele’s,” marveling at its success but agreeing they’d never wait two hours for street food.

• Quote:

  "If I'm buying meat from a truck that is stored in a shed on the West Side highway, it should be fast and it should be pleasant."
  —Bobby Kelly [05:34]

• Jay theorizes there’s a form of “cart racism” at play, sparking a joking riff on turning their “racisms” toward unpleasant food vendors.

II. Crowd-Control Insanity: Jay Z’s Concert

[06:10-08:25]

• The hosts detail the chaos at a recent Jay Z concert: 10,000 people left outside due to a security breach, leading to hours-long waits and missed shows for many—including Jay’s daughter.
• Quote:

  “Some people wound up having to leave and lost out on thousands of dollars. You can’t get your ticket back.”
  —Bobby Kelly [07:19]

III. Authority Figures Run Amok: TSA & Venue Staff

[09:00-13:50]

• Both hosts recall absurd experiences with TSA agents and concert security, especially at Barclays Center, where Jay had his lighter and weed confiscated for no clear reason.
• Emphasis on the dangers of “giving dumb people power,” leading to conflicts and overreactions.

IV. Losing Composure in Public: Recognition Regrets

[13:47-16:50]

• Jay confesses the embarrassment of being recognized by fans amid a public meltdown, after a fraught theater seating dispute.
• Bobby shares a story about comedian Al Lubel losing his temper at a car rental agency, only to sheepishly acknowledge Bobby.

V. Family Dysfunction: Screaming, Blackouts, and Irish Catholic Guilt

[22:12-28:55]

• Bobby and Jay compare upbringings: Bobby’s were marked by screaming matches with his mother, culminating in a profound moment when she told him, “I’m never going to change.”
• Discussion of generational trauma and how dysfunction echoed throughout their families.
• Touching on feelings of being “family accidents” and emotional distance with younger siblings.

VI. Escalating the Roast: The War on Jorts

[33:13-35:10]

• Jay and Bobby debate whether jorts (jean shorts) are "back," with Jay insisting they’re a revival trend and Bobby teasing that only “fat people wear jorts.”
• Crew chimes in, noting that women’s fashion is leading the jorts movement—while Jay claims he’s a lifelong trendsetter.

VII. The Main Event: Jay's Celebrity DM Disaster

[36:04-72:53]

A. The Setup

[36:04-41:21]

• Jay meets Adam Granduciel (The War on Drugs) at Bonnaroo. They exchange numbers after a friendly chat; Jay is excited the musician is a fan of comedy.

B. The Text Thread (Dramatic Reading & Commentary)

[45:04-72:53]

• Jay's Approach: He invites Adam to multiple comedy shows, using enthusiastic language, emoticons/emojis, and repeated offers to “hook up” (hang out).

• Bobby’s Play-by-Play: Bobby provides a relentless running roast, dissecting Jay’s social missteps.

• Cringe Crescendo:

  • Jay gets minimal and sporadic replies from Adam, often with logistical reasons for not meeting (“still on tour in Europe,” “I live in LA now”).
  • Despite this, Jay follows up repeatedly—sometimes inviting Adam to shows on the wrong coast or detailing his own career achievements.
  • Bobby’s advice and real-time reactions highlight the growing desperation in Jay’s texts:
    • Quote:

      “You gotta play hard to get a little bit…You can’t do under 10 [minutes]. It’s like the two-day rule with chicks.”
      —Bobby Kelly [56:13]

    • Quote:

      “I’m not going to make it, dude. I’m only in town until Wednesday.”
      —Bobby Kelly, acting out Adam’s subtext [54:04]

  • Running gag: Every few months, Jay resumes the thread with “Hi buddy!” or similar, regardless of previous lack of responses.

C. Self-Awareness and Hindsight

• Jay finally realizes, with Bobby and the crew’s help, how over-the-top and “blue” (one-sided) his end of the exchange is.
• Quote:

  "That was humiliating. We have to get our guests in here, so we gotta take a break."
  —Jay Oakerson [72:53]

• The hosts reflect on better celebrity encounters (e.g., Sal Vulcano), and the misfire of expecting all fan-hero relationships to be reciprocal.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jay, on His Self-Sabotaging DM Skills:

  “I shouldn’t have had a phone until last year.” [58:39]

• Bobby, on Jay’s Text Etiquette:

  “Stop, stop calling me. I live across the country, bro. You need to stop texting me about your shows. I’m not coming.” [64:24]

• Jay’s Rationalization:

  “I want The War on Drugs to be a fan of me.” [72:26]

• Meta-Commentary

  • Jay and Bobby both riff on how their manager’s head is in his hands hearing this saga—laughing at the potential professional embarrassment.

    “Your manager. Why you let him go?”
    —Bobby Kelly [65:48]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:00-05:45] — Hot Dog Cart Rant
• [06:10-08:25] — Jay Z Concert Chaos
• [09:00-13:50] — TSA and Authority Rant
• [22:12-28:55] — Family Dysfunction and Childhood
• [33:13-35:10] — Jorts Debate
• [36:04-41:21] — Jay Meets Adam Granduciel; Exchanges Numbers
• [45:04-72:53] — Text Read-Through, Live Roast, and Aftermath

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Tone and Style

Throughout, the tone is relentlessly irreverent, self-deprecating, and gleefully juvenile, with plenty of good-natured roasting, digressions, and confessions of personal flaws. Both Jay and Bobby keep it honest—poking fun at themselves and each other, while offering a sincere look at the awkwardness and longing behind one-sided fandom.

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Summary

This episode of The Bonfire showcases Jay Oakerson’s mortifying attempt to befriend a celebrity, with Bobby Kelly as his sharp-tongued, sympathetic therapist/tormentor. The result is a laughter-packed therapy session about social faux pas, emotional vulnerability, and the eternal quest for coolness and acceptance—both in the comedy scene and beyond. Fans of blunt, unscripted comedy will appreciate the brutal honesty, while anyone dreading an unanswered text will feel (cringe-)seen.

Transcript

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[Jay Oakerson]

And now the bonfire with Big J

[Bobby Kelly]

Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bob, you can't enjoy this music. Turn it up in my headphones, Lou.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why can't I enjoy? I'd smoke pot before you were.

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't know what it's like, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

When you were drawing ding dings in

[Jay Oakerson]

your mom's house, you probably think the Cypress Hill guy's voice is annoying. But not me, dude. Because I'm there.

[Bobby Kelly]

I like it. I can get into it. I can go to it. I can go into a spiritual high, bro.

[Jay Oakerson]

On what, dude?

[Bobby Kelly]

Spirits get into spirituality, dude. I can just stop breathing, right? My little box breathing.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's not what Cypress Hill's talking about. No, no, no, I. Damn, Blackley. You jump on the subjects quick, huh? Jay's old celebrity DMS update. Get out of here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why? What? Can I ask you a question?

[Jay Oakerson]

You sure can, dude. This is your show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I said hot dog throat.

[Jay Oakerson]

Got a question first.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you hear it? First of all, I'm sorry, dude. I don't like dealing with these fucking hot dog people. They suck.

[Jay Oakerson]

Call them what you want.

[Bobby Kelly]

Fucking hot dog people they have, and they're so mean and they're like.

[Jay Oakerson]

They don't really give a fuck. I mean, the cart people. There's no one who's there, like. Because. Unless I bet if you go Here's. I don't like what they make. The street meat place right here on the corner. It's the. But it's the fucking line that goes around the block. And they. That guy makes. It's been like articles before. That's like. They call like the Million Dollar Cart. It's like. Makes like a million dollars a year. Probably more at this point now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's the best. It's the best hala in the city. Adele's.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's what it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's the name of the place.

[Jay Oakerson]

But they set up two trucks now, right next. Because they can keep making more.

[Bobby Kelly]

One makes the meat, one actually plates it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is that what it is? And then car.

[Bobby Kelly]

But there's two sets up with more meat. Yeah, has to be. There's a car shows up in double parks with more meat. That's how much meat, how much they sell?

[Jay Oakerson]

Damn, dude. 6:00pm it starts. Chicken and lamb over spicy rice. It's crazy. 45 minutes to 2 hours wait.

[Bobby Kelly]

But yeah, it's crazy. And you come. If you come in the middle of night and there's still people in line.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Is it really better than all the other street me?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know if you. What is that?

[Jay Oakerson]

It must be.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's. Oh, I mean, it's.

[Jay Oakerson]

Lou's logging into his AOL free 20 hours. What are you logging on? You can ask somebody their age, sex and location. You creep.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's Jacob doing a little side chat with some chick right now.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, don't do it, dude. They're predator hunters.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know. I mean. But I would never wait in line for that. I don't hala. They just bleed the animal. There's no blood in the animal. That's all it is. It's only different to.

[Jay Oakerson]

I hate blood.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I mean, I hate blood too, but I just don't like the. They're friendly. Like, if you see those guys working with. They're actually nice. The people we deal with are the most miserable people. And I said, white onions. He goes, okay. I go, white onions, sauerkraut, mustard. And he goes, sauerkraut. I go, yeah, and white onions. He goes, onions. I go, white onions. Then he puts red onions. I go. I said, white onion. Do you have white onions? He goes, no.

[Jay Oakerson]

I saw you behind the car. You shouldn't have asked him. Why does every picture of the hot dogs have white onions on them?

[Bobby Kelly]

Because it's not.

[Jay Oakerson]

I didn't even think of white onions until I saw the picture of white onions. I was like, that's just white onions on my hot dog.

[Bobby Kelly]

I guarantee he had white onions. He just didn't want to use his fucking white onions. Yeah, he was. And then he asked me three times.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's racist. You think? Think he.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think he just.

[Jay Oakerson]

Red and brown onions, Indian onions.

[Bobby Kelly]

There was a family came up while I was there trying to get the white, the onions and the sauerkraut and the mustard right. And he literally just kept saying, hello, hello, let's Going, hello, hello. Trying to get them to stay while he dealt with my little white onions routine that we were going through.

[Jay Oakerson]

When I went over to get us an order, cheese fries. That was a whole ordeal too. That guy wasn't anywhere near the cart. Then he came back to the cart. I was like, I'm going to get four drinks. And he just had me holding him. I go, can I get a bag? He goes, yeah, hang on. And he left again and then came back with. He did come back with a bag. I don't know where the fuck he went.

[Bobby Kelly]

The whole thing about a cart is that it should be a good experience.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a quick, fast, fast experience.

[Bobby Kelly]

Should be a fast, good, quick.

[Jay Oakerson]

You shouldn't be there for more than three minutes. I'd say tops.

[Bobby Kelly]

If I'm buying meat from a truck that is stored in a shed on the west side Highway. And it should be fast and it should be pleasant.

[Jay Oakerson]

Goddamn right it should not be. It's not asking too much.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not asking too much. A smile. And I. You can smile with your fucking face.

[Jay Oakerson]

They could smile with their faces. I bet they would if we were Punjabi.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't. I don't even know what they are.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think we need to start turning our racisms towards those people. They've had it a little too good for too long if you ask me.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think you're right. I think we need to leave the Spanish people alone because you know what they.

[Jay Oakerson]

The blacks you've had. We've had our fill of blacks.

[Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nobody wants to piss them off.

[Jay Oakerson]

No one's looking to piss them off. They're. They're growing at rapid rates.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you see what happened at the Jay Z concert?

[Jay Oakerson]

My daughter was there. I don't know what happened, but I. I don't follow the story. The last night I've been talking about, my Isabella went Sunday.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And she was calling me at one point.

[Ad Voice]

I didn't.

[Jay Oakerson]

I couldn't answer. So I just go, are you. Let me know your cuz. I told her, I asked, let me know if she's home safe. Are you? Let me know you're home safe. She goes, it started five minutes ago.

[Bobby Kelly]

Started 12.

[Jay Oakerson]

15. Yeah, 12.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay Z didn't get on stage till 12 to 15. It's supposed to start at 8:30 day. One group of people rush the gates. So they shut it all down and there was.

[Jay Oakerson]

Whoa.

[Bobby Kelly]

There was 10,000 people that were waiting outside.

[Jay Oakerson]

Isabella. Isabella said. She goes. It was. They said it was security breach.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep.

[Jay Oakerson]

They said. So they just had to be outside and like. But like one of chest to chest with people.

[Bobby Kelly]

Chest to chest. And they let people in one at a time. So it took hours.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is that what it was? They just did a single file ultimately.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep. And then. And Jay Z was like. He went on. He was like, look, I'm sorry, but we had to make sure these 10,000 people. Some people wound up having to leave and they lost out on thousands of dollars. You can't get your ticket back.

[Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. People had to leave. You're like, I can't. You know, it's like some people have to be like, I'm going this concert and I have to leave for work at 5 in the morning, you know, to leave.

[Ryan Reynolds]

She was there.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Carla was there.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. She had to leave before it went on because she had the babysitter. Like, she had to go.

[Jay Oakerson]

No. Oh, I didn't even know Carla.

[Ryan Reynolds]

They went on. I mean, the concert went till 3am Isabella stayed.

[Jay Oakerson]

She don't give a.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Well brought out. Like Rihanna.

[Jay Oakerson]

Isabelle is so ghetto.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why can't. It's so ridiculous that they can't figure that out. How do you know it's Jay Z, first of all?

[Jay Oakerson]

I mean, it's just. With me, we've gone to like, venues recently in your life. I mean, observe the process.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's flawless. What do Every place we've ever gone.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're kidding.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, we went to Giant Stadium. Bang. Right in.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no. I'm not saying flaw, but I'm saying, like, I'm not talking about it going good because it happens to go good. I'm talking about the people doing this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, they're the morons.

[Jay Oakerson]

They're awful. I said before the difference. I've always found this to be an interesting thing. If the people that came over when people. People are sheep. So when they go. We're going to the box office, you know, or the. The ticket things. If there's 12 lines, some, for some reason, people get in three and they just make three huge. Because they don't want to get in the very first one. Even Though there's ones that. Then somebody comes out and they always go, guys, there's other lines over here. Stop waiting. There's lines over when. It's like if they came over and if you're the hero, if you go over and you go, guys, everybody. There's nobody in these lines over. You can get in faster.

[Bobby Kelly]

Everybody can get in.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's the energy of that being different, but the energy is like. I mean, I had a thing when we went to go see. What was it at Barclays Center? It. Was it Nine Inch Nails or something? It was a Nine Inch Nails. I mean, this lady was. They go, I had. Weed's legal. I had weed in my. I just brought joints in my cigarette package. And they opened my cigarette package and they go, you can't bring weed in here. They go, I'm gonna. We're taking that and the cigarettes because you can't bring anything in like that.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You smoke lighters.

[Jay Oakerson]

And my lighters, they go. And they just. And I see them taking. They just throw it in a bin. I go, no, no, no, I didn't even go in yet. I go, no, no, no, give it back to me. I'll go put it in my car. My car's right around the corner. It's fine. Not arguing, not complaining. They go, now it's confiscated. And I go, what? I go, why? I go, you can't bring lighters and stuff. I go, I know, but I could bring it back to my. Fuck you out of your fucking. And then they started calling other people over. And this dumb bitch was so dumb that her own co workers who were equally dumb bitches had to go, like, I think he can just give him back his stuff if he's going to take it out of the building. That's a crazy. I go, you're robbing. You're literally robbing me if you don't give me my stuff back. Psycho.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because they get told one thing and they just. They go. They can just do that one thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's. They've been reprimanded because they suck at their job, and now they're just shitty.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just have to take people's stuff and they can't think through it as a human or a smart person.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now, this Barkley center, particularly, and my

[Bobby Kelly]

daughter works there, once these people get power, it's like tsa. We were coming back from Austin, and the one dude, I don't know, I did something I kind of complained about. I bitched.

[Jay Oakerson]

I just did a. I may have said this. This would be easy. To get a bomb through here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not what I said.

[Jay Oakerson]

I may have said that I made a.

[Bobby Kelly]

And he got twaty with me and then let me know who was boss. He was like, you got to take your shoes off. I go, but I have tsa. Yeah, but you still. You have to take them off. And I was like, why? But if I say why and then I go down that route, he'll make. He'll. He can make everything miserable.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know at that point that I would have absolutely just told my ticket. I said, I'm TSA PreCheck. I don't have to do that, actually.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's what I said. And he goes, yeah, what do you do? And I was like, all right, you're just the boss right now. I'm going to get through here, and then I'm going to fucking hope. I'm going to pray that your mother dies of cancer, and I hope it happens.

[Jay Oakerson]

What was he?

[Bobby Kelly]

Black, white, Pollock, Hispanic, white dude, mustache, hipster Fucking loser. Had power, used it.

[Jay Oakerson]

You should have said a lot of how they say anti LGBTQ things.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think that's why he was mad at me. I think I did say something anti lgbtq, not anti. I think I was calling my luggage some. A name.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's a good one. Your luggage.

[Bobby Kelly]

The worst thing you could do is give a dumb person power. Give them power over people. You were fucked. You fucked.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, they love it.

[Bobby Kelly]

They love it, and they don't know how to handle it.

[Jay Oakerson]

TSA's call me a couple times. There was a guy who I would say is definitely mentally challenged, but, like, shitty. Like, a shitty personality. And when I went up to him, I just handing my passport as you hand to him, like, he took it out of my. Oh, take that. He kind of looked it over, like, the thing, and I was like, am I in trouble for checking into the line? You know? And he was like, no. And then that was like. That was one of the days. I did realize, though, at some point the TSA is so helpless, vulnerable, sort of useless in so many ways, that when I. When you get at your wit's end, especially if you're at the front of the thing, like, and you bitch enough, like, you kind of will get through your thing. Not like a major cut in line or something. You might get arrested or something like that. But I'm talking about when they go, you know, it's like, show your passport to that guy over there. He goes, I showed it over here. I'm just going in this line. He goes, this one's too full. Now. You got to go back in that line and then do it again. I was like, I'm just not doing that. Like, you've already checked my passport. You're doing it. I'm just staying in line. Then they just eventually kind of. Well, I'm not doing anything illegal. Like, they just decided I was the one that they're going to send back into line, like the back of it, to go a different way. I go, you just out of your mind. I've already been checked in, so I go. I'm getting in the line. You go, but the line's too long ago. I go, well, it's one longer.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I. I don't have the ability to do that because I. I really. I don't have. No, because I'll.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're the mayor.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. I can be the mayor at a restaurant in a fun place when in the. In the. A place where I get arrested, I get fucked up because I. I don't want to. I'll be there.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna start screaming anarchy.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I can't. I don't. I. I was. But some place.

[Jay Oakerson]

Tsa. I'm gonna offer to kiss the officer. I'm gonna go. I'm. I'm a Joe. What's it, Joe Namath?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't care about this. Can I kiss you? I just want to kiss you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Some tsa, though, like, New York TSA don't give a. You can walk through with a knife, they don't give a fuck. But you go to, like, Austin, they're very militant. They take the job very serious. They're. They're very.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm more about fucking with the gate. Like, the. Not the gate agents, but the people where you check your bags and stuff like that. That's the ones where, like, oh, my God. They gotta. I'm very pleasant with them always. But if the TSA is, like, shitty for no reason, like, how fast I'll be. The worst thing is getting shitty and snappy and then somebody recognizing you, and that's the worst feeling in the fucking world. I've had that happen, buddy. The one when we. I think I told us recently on the show, but when we went with Dave Smith to see the Tonya Harding movie, and there was a black couple sitting in our seats, and we were just kind of like, hey, these are our seats. And then as they were moving, they were, like, being shitty, which made me get shitty, which made a whole thing go down. And then they eventually moved the. But we Sat there. And I was like, yeah, I'm not. Like, this movie's over for me. Like, my whole movie is gonna be staring at the back of that guy's head, waiting for him to do something else so I can do something else. And so I was like, we're going. And I went out there, I was like, hey, if you guys aren't throwing them out for being the problem, like, we're just gonna go. And they're like, oh, we don't have to do that. I'm like, yeah, this is suck. And I'm kind of like, you know, you're a fucking idiot, and you're a fucking idiot. And I'm going. And I go. And I'm going back. And I want my money back for the concessions. Cause we're not eating any of this shit or drinking any of it. And I go over and I hand the fucking popcorn to him by the concession stands. And he's. He pours the popcorn down, like, into the trash and takes the drinks and pours them down the drain. And as he's giving me back my money, he goes. He goes, see, I'm a really big fan. And I'm sitting here doing like, I want my popcorn money back. Big J of you.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know Alobel. Remember Alobel?

[Jay Oakerson]

Of course.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was in. I was in the rent a car place on 49th Street I used to go to when I had to get a car. And it was a line. It was crazy. And those rent a car places, just like, we have no more cars. It's like, yeah, but I have a reservation. I have a reservation for a car. I have the exact car I'm supposed to get when we ran out.

[Jay Oakerson]

In New York, they just make a prediction that you. At one point, the sentence comes out of your house, comes out your mouth. Well, then what's the fucking point of making a reservation?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, that's. I was quietly sitting in the line, and Alo Bell comes in on a bike, parks his bike. It comes in and does exactly that. He's like, I have a. I had a. Is the car here? Why would you make a reservation if you're not gonna flips the fuck out?

[Jay Oakerson]

Anybody ask him what was he gonna do with his bike when he got the car?

[Bobby Kelly]

I think he was gonna park it out front.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now you guys have my bike and I have your car.

[Bobby Kelly]

He flips out, dude, and he goes nuts. And I'm just sitting there laughing. Nuts. And then he goes out, and this

[Jay Oakerson]

is crazy hair, crazy hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

Aloe Bell goes nuts. Flips out on the guy, leaves I'm just laughing to myself. Then sticks his head back in and goes, hey, Bobby, how are you? Good to see you. I'm sorry about that. I think at the last second he saw me.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sorry about that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was like, what's up, Al? And then I got my car.

[Jay Oakerson]

I may have looked like a real jerk off back there. Anytime I said, if you're arguing with anybody in the street over something and that person has no idea who you are and then you get recognized, you're just kind of like, I'm kind of yo something right now, man. I love you too, dude. I love you. But this motherfucker here is fucking questioning my goddamn fucking passport.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know we're not gonna get recognized. Those stupid hot dog carts. Nobody we know. Fucking no fans of ours are doing hot hot dogs.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

God damn.

[Jay Oakerson]

You couldn't be more right about that. Bobby's very upset by those hot dogs.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know, I just don't like it. I don't like the. The, the fucking attitude.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, you know something? We have our guests come in. Something I want to show you. Just made me laugh. Long time on the show since I brought like a predator hunter thing. But I just was catching a few this morning.

[Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Watching some videos and they just caught Skeeter Jean is big tall black dude who catches people and he talks to him kind of smarmy and shitty, but he catches a big fat sleeveless, shirted, just pud of a guy. And just when he starts talking about his weight, it made me laugh really hard. I'd like to share it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Has it ever been a well dressed pedophile? Has there any guy like that? Guy doesn't need to fuck kids. This guy could get pussy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Anthony Kumier,

[Bobby Kelly]

he was well dressed. He dressed like a fucking grunge rock

[Jay Oakerson]

girl from the 90s. Nice button down shirts.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he never dressed well.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think Kumi's not a pedophile to my understanding.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, he's not. He did a young girls. Yes, young girls.

[Ryan Reynolds]

This one.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no. Just looking. Oh, yes, yes it is. I'm sorry, I apologize. And it's 20 minutes in as we get. But hold that on until later before our black guest comes in. I don't want them to laugh at me too. Too hard.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, no, no.

[Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, the thing that you wrote. You don't want to watch that. You want to wait, we can wait. We just watch this.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

I.

[Jay Oakerson]

Look, Bobby, can I tell you what I'm good at? By the Way.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now, you know, I have a way. I have a way in, like, a history. Just a couple of my black friends coming in here. We could chop it up all day, and I could make sure we never get to what you want to make fun of before. So you got to make fun of me by yourself while everybody on the crew laughs at me, or it's not going to happen today.

[Bobby Kelly]

But, you know, I have a good technique, too, of getting you to focus in on what you need to focus in on.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no. But I'm good at taking that and spinning the words and flipping it right back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, you're magical at it. But I'm also good at realizing I can snap out of the J trance that you put us all into and snap out of it and go, no, no, no, no, no. Let's get back to it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I could just. We could just wait for Tim Butterly comes in tomorrow. Maybe he's fun to do it with, but we could also revisit it.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, because Tim's gonna. Tim is too. He's. He has too much empathy. He would be like, no, that's. I don't mind that.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's a nice boy.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's a really nice. I need a. I need a mean. I need as mean as you can get.

[Ryan Reynolds]

We need to. Rosa.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Oh, God damn it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

We need Derosa.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was trashing Derosa last week about him not calling me while I was in Austin. I gotta take it back, because I guess we did talk, and I told him I would call him.

[Jay Oakerson]

Holy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it was me.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That's so funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

I called him up. I was like, dude, what the man? He goes, we talked. And I go, what are you talking about? We talked on the phone the day you got here, and you said that you were your family tonight, and we'd maybe go to breakfast to go to lunch during the week that we. I'd see the family. I wanted to see Donna, Max. I go, we talked. He goes, yeah, we had a whole conversation. And then it started tumbling back. I was like, oh, yeah, we did talk. You blew off Joe. I blew Joe. Joseph off.

[Jay Oakerson]

Joe's got to be more rememberable.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he's not.

[Jay Oakerson]

Turns out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's. It's. I feel bad. I was really mad at him, too. Like, he just blew me off. But he. I just never called him back. I never called him back. We had a whole conversation about hooking up for breakfast, and I didn't call him back. So Joe Derosa's in the clear. That's me. Why are you blacking out, Bob? Wow. As a blackout artist myself, I'm just curious.

[Jay Oakerson]

What's a good question? Why are you black?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you blacked out because you drank. Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Going through an aneurysm.

[Jay Oakerson]

The pain of life.

[Ryan Reynolds]

True, true.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not that I blacked out. A lot was going on, I think.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, you're in the old west, not swimming.

[Ryan Reynolds]

But you getting mad at him for

[Bobby Kelly]

not reaching out to you. I mean, real bizarre part. Let's be honest. Let's be honest. He could have called me back. He could have been like, hey, we going or not? He could have reached back out and said, hey, you never called me back.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're right. Neither of you really wanted to see each other, but both of you want to blame the other one for the reason it happened. Yeah, I get that. You could have started with that, and I'd have been like, I understand where both of you are coming from. I know you do, but you started with like, and I want to see my friend Joe, and he didn't even want to see the family and stuff like that. But when you both admit you were both kind of hoping it was like, dude, dealing with the one, it's like, I got a lot going on. By the way, if you weren't there with dawn and Max, you probably would have been more inspired to really want to see Joe 100%, and he may have been way more inspired to want to come see you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why you think he didn't want to see me because I was with my family?

[Jay Oakerson]

I think there's a chance he didn't want to see your family at all.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, Joe hates.

[Jay Oakerson]

He just wanted to hang out with families. Of course.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why does he. He says he loves families. They're going to say something

[Jay Oakerson]

that could be the reason to give him up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he got stuck. Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

He got so many issues.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nobody loved him as a kid.

[Bobby Kelly]

So he hates kids, you know, and. And the parents he does have can't. They can't really love him fully.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, he makes it hard for them, dude. The way I would talk to his mom when we lived together, it used to make me laugh. I mean, it was cringy, but it made me laugh. He just yelled at his parents. It was such that relationship.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

I just never had, by the way, a lot of people have that. Just like a family of yelling people all the time. Like, I just didn't grow up like that. So, like, that was fucking. That was wildly.

[Bobby Kelly]

I used to. I used to. Me and my mom used to get into big fights, like, that until like, I think 15 years ago. Yeah, really big fights. I was. I remember where it happened. I was at Comic Roadhouse on that balcony out by the pool, having a full fledged screaming match argument.

[Ryan Reynolds]

My.

[Bobby Kelly]

My mom. And then at one point she leaned into the. She leaned into the phone and whispered, bobby, when are you going to realize I'm never going to change?

[Jay Oakerson]

Jesus.

[Bobby Kelly]

And my bone shook. I went, oh, God, what a profound

[Jay Oakerson]

moment to have at a casino.

[Bobby Kelly]

We haven't, we haven't fought since. I was like, here, you. I was like, that's you. You're never going to change. Now she does her bullshit and I just go, I got to go. I got to leave.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm out of here.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're never going to change.

[Jay Oakerson]

She's never going to change.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's going to change, man.

[Commercial Announcer]

Hang on.

[Jay Oakerson]

Time to do up.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, I've had a family screaming match in a while.

[Jay Oakerson]

My juju's.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I haven't had a family scream a long time, but there's definitely a lot of screaming in my family.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not me. It was usually me and my mom.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, me. A lot of mine was me and my mom.

[Jay Oakerson]

But, yeah, I think I have a very passive family.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you do.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

I feel like everyone's just kind of like, people make mistakes, man. What are we going to do here? Scream all night?

[Bobby Kelly]

Not my.

[Commercial Announcer]

I had.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I was with a friend once and we were on our way back from visiting his mom up north and she called him and he was on the bus and the way he was talking to her and he was like, got mom. I said, like, I was so embarrassed to be next to him and to like, be with a grown man that talked to his mom that way. I was like trying to duck down in my seat.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't think I have a theory.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll punch my mom right in her stomach.

[Bobby Kelly]

That my.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, my God, you love your mom so much.

[Jay Oakerson]

You love your mom's boy.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You're a little.

[Bobby Kelly]

I bet you when you go home, your mom rubs your stomach.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm not a mama's boy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you are.

[Jay Oakerson]

My mom's a Jay's mom.

[Bobby Kelly]

Little JJ, she's a JJ's mom.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Love JJ the most.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm by far my most loved sibling by everybody, including my stepfather, who is not my biological father and is all of the other ones biological.

[Bobby Kelly]

Everybody loves you. My theory is this, that my mother had my sister when she was 15, me when she was 18. So we were never really, you know, not that we weren't wanted. We weren't wanted. Like she didn't want to have us. We weren't expecting.

[Jay Oakerson]

I understand.

[Bobby Kelly]

We were mistakes, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then she got married again.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Accidents.

[Bobby Kelly]

Accidents that. Back then, Irish Catholic, you had to.

[Jay Oakerson]

Just big little slimy loads that snuck past the goalie, right? Me and my sis, just slimy loads. Nobody, just like a piece of.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nobody wanted my sister more than me, but.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, your mom more of your sister.

[Bobby Kelly]

But you, she was 15.

[Jay Oakerson]

She just thought you were both just pieces of.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just pains and just pieces of shit

[Jay Oakerson]

she wanted to just flush down.

[Commercial Announcer]

I would say.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would say life ruiners.

[Jay Oakerson]

Scummy little.

[Bobby Kelly]

And my mom was hot, too. Like, we sucked, you know, it was like.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Did your dad just bang your mom all through high school and then leave?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, my dad went to Vietnam and he came back from Vietnam and I think. I think this is a weird thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

Before you cry for him, he was a tap dancer for the uso.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No. Well, she was in high school.

[Bobby Kelly]

He was not a tap dancer.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, he was. 5, 6, 7, 8. Time for the Robert Kelly the First Show.

[Bobby Kelly]

The boys are coming back. The boys are coming back.

[Jay Oakerson]

Look out, Charlie's behind you.

[Bobby Kelly]

He was actually. He shot the cannons. You know, the big cannons? The big.

[Jay Oakerson]

The Revolutionary War.

[Bobby Kelly]

50 millimeter. Well, that. Back in the Vietnam. But they still had cannons. They would mount up and shoot them.

[Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it was a can, like 50, 30 millimeter cannon shooter.

[Ad Voice]

Whatever the.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was.

[Jay Oakerson]

Christine, look up. There was cannons in Vietnam. I don't think there was cannons of Vietnam war. Yeah, don't call. That's a tank. That's a cannon on a tank.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, that's not what he means, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

It's not what he means.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You mean like that?

[Jay Oakerson]

Like a cannonball? Like Captain Jack Sparrow?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Like this?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, no.

[Jay Oakerson]

A revolutionary cannon.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not what I'm talking about. Go back. Go back to the right. Right there. Right there. Yeah, those things. Yeah. You shot those. Yeah, those big cannons. What are they called?

[Ryan Reynolds]

The M101?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's.

[Jay Oakerson]

What does it say? Canon?

[Ad Voice]

It's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Damn it.

[Jay Oakerson]

It does look a canon.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's an Update.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's a 54 pound projectile.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude, it was explosive. Pretty crazy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Christine's a size queen.

[Bobby Kelly]

We all are. Now.

[Jay Oakerson]

They like my missile small.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No, you're a size queen for.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you're a size queen. You like a big dick.

[Jay Oakerson]

If we're talking artillery. Artillery. I like small.

[Bobby Kelly]

The only dicks we look at on the show are big black dicks.

[Jay Oakerson]

We're not black always.

[Bobby Kelly]

We've never Looked at little. We never. Regular dicks.

[Jay Oakerson]

I've marveled at huge dicks. Of all.

[Bobby Kelly]

You love big dicks.

[Jay Oakerson]

I like to look at them.

[Bobby Kelly]

You love them.

[Jay Oakerson]

You love them or smell them?

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't know that because you've never been. If they were in the studio, you would.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, dude. No way. Smell it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're a big dick smeller. You're a big. You're not gonna smell a little dick, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

I like looking at him. I hate to smell a dick, dude. It's like cigars. Looks cool to do, but I hate the smell.

[Bobby Kelly]

But my theory is, is that then she got married to the right, who nobody liked. But then she met Larry, who she loved. She fell in love with Larry. They had a great relationship. They had a daughter. And then a few years later, just like me and my sister had a daughter and then a son, Kara and Andrew. And she had them wanting to have babies, right? And then she had this family that she wanted. The family that she. Me and my sister were the family that happened. So we were kind of. Of course, with her son and daughter. But I don't. And it kind of hit me. We're at a wedding. We're at my niece's wedding, and we were taking the photo, and I was next to my mom, and my brother Andrew was there. And she went, oh, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. And she moved me over and put Andrew next to her. And my wife looked at me like, what the fuck?

[Jay Oakerson]

And I was like, dude, you and your sister are flowers in the attic.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, Jay's stepmom, just straight.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm surprised your grandmother. I'm surprised your grandmother didn't try to poison you with arsenic.

[Bobby Kelly]

My grandma was my mom. My grandma. I used to call my grandma to Ma because she. I would go to her for everything. She was the best. Yeah, me and my. Oh, my grandma, the dude, she was awesome.

[Jay Oakerson]

Taught you about sex?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, we didn't try. Nobody taught me about sex. I learned on my own. Like a wild wolf when you were

[Jay Oakerson]

11 because your grandmother molested you.

[Bobby Kelly]

She didn't. Nobody, dude, how. Don't talk about manana.

[Jay Oakerson]

Like, I didn't. I said grandma. That's a different lady. That's fictitious. Lady. I'm talking about.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't talk about Nana.

[Jay Oakerson]

Like, Nana wouldn't have done that. But grandma, one time you woke up and grandma had your whole dick and balls in her mouth.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna throw up. Don't even do that. That's not Nana I don't want.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's fictitious grandma.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't like fictitious grandmas. Don't bring up the grandmother.

[Jay Oakerson]

But she's fake.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't like it.

[Jay Oakerson]

She's fake.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, because I think of my grandmother's face.

[Jay Oakerson]

Don't though, baby.

[Bobby Kelly]

You got me thinking about it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Think of her friend that she used to play cards with. Just shoving her face up your ass, balls in her. Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, that's fine.

[Jay Oakerson]

Mrs. Robinson. Edna from across the street.

[Bobby Kelly]

Mrs. Finity.

[Jay Oakerson]

Man, my grandmother didn't have any hot friends. You know what? I'll just say it. My grandmother had no hot friends. Sorry if you're out there listening. Aunt Anita, I love you, but I never thought you were hot.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Wait, so your dad comes home, he's like 22. He finds your 15 year old mom, knocks her 18 at the time. 18?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, they come home from. They know that they hooked up with Lisa, then they were together. And then at 18, he went. He had me. And then before I was born, he left for Vietnam. So he was in Vietnam while I was born. He came back and I think. This is weird. I always thought my father came back up from Vietnam, which he was. He was drinking like cough syrup. He'd have like a case of cough syrup in his. That's what he was drinking. Because that was like really bad drugs.

[Jay Oakerson]

Like, it relaxes your asshole. And it was the only way I could fall asleep after a big USO show. Those boys get randy.

[Bobby Kelly]

He shot cannons.

[Jay Oakerson]

Huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

He shot cannons.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I bet he did.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't like. I don't like that. You mean my grandmother moles me and my father's a gay dandy singer?

[Jay Oakerson]

Not your nana. Your fictitious grandmother molested the. Out of you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can. I can say 100%, my grand.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then your grandfather.

[Commercial Announcer]

Your.

[Jay Oakerson]

Your grandfather. Your grandfather was a gay tap dancer.

[Bobby Kelly]

My grandfather molested me.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I'm kidding.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, he came home all up, dude. He got molested in the war.

[Bobby Kelly]

He was in World War II.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

He went freeing Jews.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I think when my father came home, I always thought that he came home up and was too fucked up. And that's why they got a divorce. I think my mom cheated on him. I think he came home and found her with, you know, somebody else. Somebody adds it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll be honest with you.

[Bobby Kelly]

It does. It did.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Especially the way I like to asmr myself to sleep masturbating to your voice.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I think when she. When he came home. This is so weird when you get his side of the story and you get my mom's Side two. Different.

[Jay Oakerson]

First, do me a favor. When you play. Can you play this video that we found of Bobby's father while he talks about what his dad said. You wouldn't mind turning this up.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's Fred Astaire. That's not my dad.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now ball. He'll step.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, dude, dude, dude.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I mean, if your grandpa could dance like Fred Astaire.

[Jay Oakerson]

You know what, dude? Come on boys. Keep the morale up.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hate tap dancing so much.

[Jay Oakerson]

Let's kill these.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I wish I could do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can't. Anybody can tap.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It's hard.

[Commercial Announcer]

It's not.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just put coat. Can't coat.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's right, boys. Remember what you're fighting for out here.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is so funny. Back in the day when men could wear onesies.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No, that's just high waisted pants.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that a high waisted pant? Oh gosh.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

That outfit is ridiculous.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I mean this dance isn't very good.

[Bobby Kelly]

I bet Jacob would love that outfit. Just a light blue high waisted pants.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jacob has wants to be a dandy.

[Bobby Kelly]

He does. Is this petting in the park? Please don't pay it because this is what. Please don't play. Colin Quinn sends me videos every day of this horseshit.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Bobby Kelly]

Because he. Because it aggravates me and he likes to dagger.

[Jay Oakerson]

How did you know what this video was?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Because of Colin.

[Bobby Kelly]

He sends it to me all the time.

[Jay Oakerson]

But why did you bring it up out of nowhere?

[Ryan Reynolds]

And then I just put Fred Astaire tap to try to find a better tap dance video.

[Jay Oakerson]

You watch Fred Astaire?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't watch. Are you listening to me?

[Jay Oakerson]

We need young energy in this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Goddamn.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's killing me.

[Bobby Kelly]

As you pull up your fucking jorts.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's young energy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, in 1982.

[Jay Oakerson]

It is not back in jorts are back in big.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Jorts are huge for girls right now.

[Jay Oakerson]

Where in America.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's no fu. I've never seen anybody but you wear jorts for the last 10 years.

[Jay Oakerson]

What? Yeah, now they're back.

[Bobby Kelly]

They're not back.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, they're back Big.

[Bobby Kelly]

They're not back big. They're back.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's. How dare you. That's not true.

[Bobby Kelly]

That is truly. Fat people wear jorts.

[Jay Oakerson]

Ouch. Me two shows. Me and Bobby call each other fat today. Now we're off next week. We have to regroup and lose weight. Come back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yours was unnecessary and unwarranted.

[Jay Oakerson]

Look at that. Jorts. Dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

That is a. Those aren't jorts.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes they are.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Those are 1,000% shorts.

[Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

The ones on the right?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, those aren't in. They're not in.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Buddy, I'm telling you, these young girls, I mean, it's ugly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Which they shouldn't be wearing. Which outfit would you choose from? 2016 or 2026?

[Jay Oakerson]

The 26 is the jorts.

[Ryan Reynolds]

26 is shorts.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is the jorts.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes. They're back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God forbid.

[Jay Oakerson]

You know, I keep my finger on the pulse of fashion. It's like my third thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can you keep your finger on the false pulse of 19 fashions?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Here's the thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

So many fashions you have. Like, what if Papa Roach met Limp Bizkit and then high fived Mark McGuire?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Also, this is not a vintage trend. These were never in style for women. This is this generation going rogue and trying to do something different.

[Bobby Kelly]

But women, not men. Men that were.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Buddy, welcome to 2026. People don't see the world like that anymore. It's everybody's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Men aren't wearing jorts?

[Ryan Reynolds]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're looking at one, my friend.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude, you've been wearing them for fucking since I met you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Since way before you met me.

[Bobby Kelly]

You've been wearing jorts that long?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Jay Oakerson]

Because Wu Tang did. Because Wu Tang did also.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Bobby, see what you let him do.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Shh.

[Bobby Kelly]

What'd I let him do?

[Jay Oakerson]

Nothing, dude.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I don't know. I thought he was gonna read something.

[Jay Oakerson]

George. Dude, look at that.

[Bobby Kelly]

He did it. He did do it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jorts.

[Bobby Kelly]

He did do it. Hey, Jay, what's up?

[Jay Oakerson]

Hey, bud.

[Bobby Kelly]

So let's get back to the. The subject at hand. You really are good.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jorts are the subject at hand. Do you know what the subject at hand means? It means what we're talking about.

[Bobby Kelly]

Listen, I know what the subject at hand me this.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's jorts.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, we were talking about.

[Jay Oakerson]

So we're walking away from jorts Before

[Bobby Kelly]

I proved we're walking away from jo, which we're walking back to you and you have another. I would call it an incident.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Incident on a DM where you over DM somebody again, it's an understatement.

[Jay Oakerson]

Over DM'd might be an understatement.

[Bobby Kelly]

Understatement.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was going great for a minute. Yeah, it was going great for a minute.

[Bobby Kelly]

Was it a little back and forth? Like it was gray and blue, gray and blue.

[Jay Oakerson]

But even sizes was upon first meeting seeing each other somewhere. I stopped him to say. I was just saying great. I already knew who they were. I liked them a lot. But I was just going to say, great show that Ban the War on drugs.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, I have three trips planned down to South America. I'm going back to Cuba with my son, and I'm gonna learn how to communicate with these people in their language, which empowers you, which makes you feel fantastic. It's never too late to learn a new language by using babbel. If you're traveling this summer, here's a real travel hac. Don't wait until you land to start learning the language. Instead, try babbel. Babbel is built for real life, not vocab lists, not verb charts. But it's the real conversation. Practice just 10 minutes a day with babbel. It can help you start having a real conversation in as little as three weeks. Lessons are quick. They have 200 language experts. It's awesome telling you right now I can talk to people. The guy that works in my house, he's Spanish. He comes in and I see him sometimes struggling with me to say things to me. Now I can talk to him in Spanish. He can talk to me a little bit. I don't know it all, but I know some. And I know how to be polite. I can talk to people around the city. It's amazing. Learn a new language with babbel. What language do you want to learn? They've got it. If you got summer travel coming up, now's the time to start so you can actually use what you learned on your trip. Right now, Babel is offering listeners up to 60% off. Go to babbel.com Bible bonfire. That's Babbel B A B B E L.com bonfire for up to 60% off. Rules and restrictions may apply.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Ryan Reynolds]

At dsw, we ask the important questions, like what shoes are you going to wear? Whether you're prepping for wedding season, festival season, or d Just planning the ultimate vacay.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Bobby Kelly]

Monday AI agents took over my work

[Jay Oakerson]

and I absolutely love it.

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Jay Oakerson]

while providing individualized support for every sleeping position. People at their best get their beauty rest for 100 years. I was just going to say great show to the guy because we were back.

[Bobby Kelly]

The lead singer. Yeah, the lead singer of the war on drugs.

[Jay Oakerson]

When he turned around, he was kind of like, oh, he was a fan of comedy. So he knew who I was. That was exciting.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's always a good thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And then basically did like, dude, whatever it was, he'd love to see a show or let's we. He gave me his number. I didn't ask. You know me. I didn't ask for it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You. You, you. You have. And not God in it. I mean, Jerry, you asked for his number. You're going to exchange numbers. But you didn't get.

[Jay Oakerson]

I made a joke about number exchanging. I made a joke.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was a joke.

[Jay Oakerson]

But if I would have asked me would have given it to me.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, he wouldn't have.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you would have.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, he wouldn't have. You. You said you were going to exchange numbers.

[Jay Oakerson]

He said, let's do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then we. And then we didn't. But I didn't bring it up either. Yeah, I don't want him having my number.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you do.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nope.

[Bobby Kelly]

You said anytime. All love and laughs here.

[Jay Oakerson]

You. Dude, that's my sign off. All love and laughs over here. But by the way, people are yelling that at me now. I walk past them.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love it. It makes me so happy.

[Jay Oakerson]

They go. I mean, they're such Fans are so funny. They're like, Jay, the first things are always. Still have the excitement, like, big J, what's up, my man? You're like. You're like, what's up, dude? They go all loving laughs over here, man. I deserve every bit of that.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's still better than school.

[Jay Oakerson]

I deserve every bit of that. All love and laughs over here, man.

[Ryan Reynolds]

This is when we saw him.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, this is a Bono.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that him right there playing the guitar?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, he's pretty cool, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

They're Dire Straits, man. He shreds and sings.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow, that's great.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It was like a hundred degrees out, bright sun, and it was still just like a. Awesome.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was disgustingly hot out. It was.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was great. Where was this Bonnaroo.

[Jay Oakerson]

Wow, Bobby, you were probably. You were there.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You're probably.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're probably watching this with us.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, is this the one where Al Yankovic was doing something there?

[Jay Oakerson]

Nope.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nope.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, where was this Bonnaroo?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that the one where you guys have. You and Ari came up, you go, I'm gonna do mushrooms and walk into a hundred thousand people?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it didn't matter. I threw them up immediately. So I was never on mushrooms.

[Bobby Kelly]

You took out a bag of mushrooms that look like Ari did. It was. It was the big giant Ziploc bag. It looked like a salad.

[Ryan Reynolds]

More definitely were on mushrooms.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I didn't have mushrooms. Hit me hard at all that night in any way? Nope, I threw them up. And then I may have said I was taking more, but I was not going to get them back.

[Ad Voice]

All right, tell everybody you want to

[Ryan Reynolds]

do more mushrooms and give me some.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I was there.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. So they were awesome.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't see one band.

[Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, man.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It was such a amazing year.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was doing. I was doing FX stuff at that time for sex, Drugs too, still. So I was. I was with. Yeah, but I was with Larry and the cast, and we were doing like, a screening of the show and we were doing a Q and A, and I was kind of being shipped with them back and forth. And then for that one, that show I did, they shipped me in, but then they shipped me right back after the show.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yuck.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I was.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why would you have not wanted to do Is Earth, Wind and Fire, Slayer and Bonnaroo?

[Ryan Reynolds]

I don't know, like the best Slayer show ever.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, when you're fucking not. When you're with another group and you're there on there. I was there on their dime, like

[Jay Oakerson]

21 pilots was there. We didn't even know that.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I don't think we knew who they were at the time.

[Jay Oakerson]

Probably not.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have. I have that posted, by the way.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Why? You weren't even watching any of the stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think I was on one of them.

[Jay Oakerson]

You weren't that one.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was on the poster.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I have a poster.

[Jay Oakerson]

All on the posters. We did the comedy.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's why I have it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh, no.

[Jay Oakerson]

I knew that. I was making a joke. Sometimes I make jokes, Bobby.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Sorry.

[Jay Oakerson]

You probably can't tell I'm joking because you're wearing sunglasses.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude. It's not the sunglasses. It's not. Has nothing to do with it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I like blaming that, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know you do. And it gets into my head, and I took him off.

[Jay Oakerson]

Anywho, you did it again. I'm showing you the war on drugs.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're done with this. We're done with the warning. We get it. We got the we. Manager's walking out. Now he's leaving.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nice music.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's always. That's always a telling tale when your manager's like, hey, I'm gonna take off for a minute.

[Jay Oakerson]

Did you just go over there to fart? What happened?

[Bobby Kelly]

He was leaving. Called out for.

[Jay Oakerson]

For leaving.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, he was about to leave.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, would you have to leave? Leave in a minute. Yeah. Damn. He doesn't want to. Do you not want to hear what I said to the lead singer of.

[Bobby Kelly]

I absolutely want to hear.

[Jay Oakerson]

I waited 45 minutes.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I just say something? That's. That's your client. That's the magic meeting about it tomorrow. Yeah. It's a magic of Jay. He will sidetrack 45 minutes. He sidetracked.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I'm good at it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You really are. So get to it.

[Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Get.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, we got to take a commercial break.

[Bobby Kelly]

We have no. We have 40 minutes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Commercial Announcer]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you started the. It started going well. You. He said, I know you, and you know him, and everything was great. And he gave. He wanted your number, and you gave each other your numbers, and then you started texting, and everything was fine. So let's go to the fine part. Let's go to the beginning of the text.

[Jay Oakerson]

Let's hear where it started.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to hear where it started, how good it was going.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just a little.

[Jay Oakerson]

Pretty good.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want a little.

[Jay Oakerson]

A little reference to how bad it gets in 2015.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jesus.

[Jay Oakerson]

Right after this, I think.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

It must have been June 13th. That's one of the days of Bonnaroo.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jay Oakerson]

June 13th.

[Bobby Kelly]

You guys were texting at Bonnaroo.

[Jay Oakerson]

He texts first.

[Bobby Kelly]

He texts first. Wow.

[Jay Oakerson]

8:24pm after this.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a great. After he performed, he texted you.

[Jay Oakerson]

We saw him.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That's Phil and Philly.

[Jay Oakerson]

Philly stuff. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You brought up Philly. You always bring up Philly.

[Jay Oakerson]

I try.

[Bobby Kelly]

You do?

[Jay Oakerson]

I try my best. It did not help with little Dicky.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, no, he didn't.

[Jay Oakerson]

He did not take to me. He writes, let me know about shows, exclamation point.

[Bobby Kelly]

He used an exclamation dash. That's yours. Dash Adam.

[Jay Oakerson]

Dash Adam.

[Bobby Kelly]

That must have made you jump for joy.

[Jay Oakerson]

This is clearly. Now we're just letting each other know who for. So we have it in our phones. Cause I write back, big J Okerson, dash. Awesome meeting you. Will be in touch.

[Bobby Kelly]

You did a dash too.

[Jay Oakerson]

I also did a dash.

[Bobby Kelly]

You guys both had dashes. That must have made you feel good. It did feel good that he's a dasher.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm like, oh, he's, like, expressive and text like I am. This guy gets me. All right. Less than one month later, I write, hey, Adam, I'm not even reading ahead of these. I'm just gonna go in for it. It's Jay Okerson, the comedian that you met at Bonnaroo. If you're back in New York City this coming Thursday or Friday, I have shows at two great clubs in the city.

[Commercial Announcer]

Ugh.

[Jay Oakerson]

Let me know and I'll get you all hooked up. It's my turn to entertain you. Happy face.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna throw up. You should. Why Happy face?

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why would you say it's my.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know how to talk to people? The answer's not gonna change it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Parentheses.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes. It's a colon in parentheses.

[Bobby Kelly]

You put a colon in the parentheses.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's how I do my smiley faces.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why an emoji?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Emoticon.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, emoticon.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's yours.

[Jay Oakerson]

What's the difference between those two?

[Ryan Reynolds]

The emoji is a cartoon.

[Jay Oakerson]

Show me the difference.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's an emoticon? Okay, I'll hung it up. Can I say something? Yeah. So an emoji is the actual little yellow smiley face.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And emoticon is when you create it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yep. Emoticons. What we used to make.

[Bobby Kelly]

But you don't. You don't use them. You use emoticons.

[Jay Oakerson]

I do both. I do both. But I do both. What are some of the more popular ones? Smiley face, smiley face, smiley face, winky smiley face. You do a semicolon? Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes I put A nose. But on my smiley faces, I don't put a nose.

[Bobby Kelly]

How do you put a nose?

[Ryan Reynolds]

A dash.

[Jay Oakerson]

A dash.

[Bobby Kelly]

You put a dash.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And you learn this.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Well, I mean, I like this text with emotion. Before there were emoticons, you.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you. You create or.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm sorry. Emojis.

[Bobby Kelly]

You created the emoji.

[Jay Oakerson]

The emoticon.

[Bobby Kelly]

You could. You. But you created through the emoticon emojis.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Don't you remember when you had to do, like, what was. Somehow you can get, like, a backwards three? No, no, no, no. It was.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I don't remember any of that. I've never done these.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I said, I still send J. Kiss faces.

[Jay Oakerson]

What about the. Where's the you can make with like signs? I've never made that an equal signs.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've only done. I did the 1, 4, 3. Remember when 143 meant I love you? Of course I did that.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's beeper talk, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Because I'm Beeper Bob. I was. I was around with beepers.

[Jay Oakerson]

God, emoticons are crazy. Look at all the things you could do. Some people would get into that. Yeah. They knew how to make, like. Look at that. Crying faces. And it got crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you can make a dick.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, there's the.

[Bobby Kelly]

A dick and ball. How do you do that?

[Jay Oakerson]

A bunch of equal signs and something. It takes a lot. Damn, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, so go back, go back, go back, go back, go back. Oh, you did it again. You almost got us again. Get. Take the screen off.

[Jay Oakerson]

Did you say I almost got you again? We just talked for five minutes about emojis. He said you almost pointed out again, by the way. And then eventually when she went to it, she goes, okay, Bobby, I'll go to the emoticons thing if you want. And you were going like, yeah, I think you could do you just.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a gift. Gift. It's a fucking magic gift that he has. I was consumed by it, but I'm back. Get it off the screen.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I know. This gets worse.

[Bobby Kelly]

Could you just do me a favor just to back up a little bit? Can you read your. Can you read your response, please, one more time?

[Jay Oakerson]

This isn't a response. This is out of the blue.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is just out of the blue a month later.

[Jay Oakerson]

But I think they were performing in New York.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay. Of course. Why would you do it otherwise?

[Jay Oakerson]

Hey, Adam, it's Jay Okerson, the comedian that you met at Bonnaroo. If you're back in New York this coming Thursday or Friday, I have shows at two Great clubs in the city. Let me know and I'll get you all hooked up. It's my turn to entertain you. Smile, face, emoji, emoticon.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's your turn to entertain him.

[Jay Oakerson]

He doesn't write back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, no.

[Jay Oakerson]

A month later, I write, hey, brother, three dots.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, brother.

[Jay Oakerson]

Are you back in NYC for a bit? Would love for you to come see a comedy show. Why? Obviously.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

He writes back nine minutes later.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that's great. Good for you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yo, Jay, I've been on tour so much. I'll be back in New York City tomorrow, but only until Wednesday. Then gone again for a little bit. I. I have your podcast you did with Koppelman ready for my flight tomorrow. You to want. Wants to listen to the company.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that's good that he's listening to you.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'd really love to come see a show, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's great. That's good. That's a good sign. Is he listening to the compliments podcast or yours? It's compliments, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

Compliments.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, yeah. So he's a fan of compliments and you're on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Two minutes later.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jesus Christ. You don't even wait 10 minutes.

[Jay Oakerson]

All right, let me know if you want to come to a show tomorrow night. If not, let's hook up when you're back in town.

[Bobby Kelly]

But he said, Said I'm not gonna have time.

[Jay Oakerson]

Maybe he said it.

[Bobby Kelly]

He goes, I'm only in town for one night, and then I'm out, and I won't be back for. I don't have. I. I don't have time.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm letting him know that I said, I have a show tomorrow. He's only gonna be in town tomorrow night. I'm going.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not gonna have time.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I, I. Okay, I didn't take it that way.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's telling you I don't have time.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm agreeing with you. I'm saying I'm sorry. Okay, here's where I may have started losing an artsy fartsy type. Okay. If not, let's hook up when you're back in town. Knew he didn't write back. Oh, God. And we were having a back and forth. He doesn't write back. So after he doesn't write back for what looks like 33 minutes, I put in quotes. Link up would have sounded less aggressively gay than hookup. Ha ha ha.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that kind of laughed, though. He must have responded like, ha ha, lol or something.

[Jay Oakerson]

Three days later.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Jay Oakerson]

I write, oh, no, not you.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not you. It's not you. It's not you. It's not you. It shouldn't be you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Shouldn't be me.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it shouldn't be you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Agreed.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not you. It's his turn. It's his turn.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's been his turn.

[Bobby Kelly]

He didn't get.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's weirded out by the gay stuff for now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why do you feel like you always gotta go, I'm not gay. You always gotta say something and then go, hey, hey.

[Jay Oakerson]

Because I'm coming off gay. Because I'm such a fan of theirs.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know, but it sounds like you want to do gay stuff when you say, hey, man, it's not gay. I'm not trying to be gay.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't think this gets better. He starts responding less. A lot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go ahead.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Wait, he responded to that?

[Jay Oakerson]

No. Three days later, I write. Tonight is the David Tell Comedy underground show at 10pm gonna be an amazing show. If you want to come, let me know and I'll get you all set up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I pause really quick? Can we go back to his last response to you? Go back to his last response. What does he say on that?

[Jay Oakerson]

I'd really love to come see a show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Keep going.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's the last thing you said.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, before that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yo, Jay, I've been on tour so much. I'll be back in New York City tomorrow, but only until Wednesday. Then go on again for a bit. I have your podcast with Koppelman ready for my flight tomorrow.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you know that he's not in town. You already know that he's not going to be in town. I don't have time. But I'm leaving Wednesday, so I won't be there. And you offer him a show that he can't go to. And you know that I think this was probably. And you also threw David Tell in there just in case. It's not. He's not. He's not.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That was way later though, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

He's not into you.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That was like a later.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, it's three days later. But it was within the time he

[Ryan Reynolds]

said that he doesn't have time anymore. Us twice.

[Jay Oakerson]

He didn't say he didn't have time. He just said he was only going to be around till Wednesday.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not going to make it, dude. I'm in town only till Wednesday.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's not what he was saying.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's exactly saying, dude, I've been down for one night.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's going, I think you probably only work on weekends. But I'm only here till Wednesday. And I'm letting him know. No, dude, I have shows all week long.

[Bobby Kelly]

He doesn't. He can't make it. He's not going to be able to make.

[Jay Oakerson]

He didn't make it.

[Bobby Kelly]

He.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's fine. He didn't come.

[Bobby Kelly]

So then.

[Jay Oakerson]

Does that make everybody happy?

[Bobby Kelly]

So then you decided. You decided to add another comic that he might. That might entice him more. Did Dave know you did that?

[Jay Oakerson]

Manager Adam probably has to go watch Fortune Feimster do the Tonight show, and he doesn't want to leave. He wants to hear how much more I embarrass myself.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is Fortune doing the Tonight show tonight? He just wants to leave.

[Jay Oakerson]

He just wants to get out of here. He has nowhere to be.

[Bobby Kelly]

He wants to go downstairs and sit in one of those comfortable chairs on 31st, 5th floor.

[Jay Oakerson]

He asked me outside before he goes, you guys gonna have Jerry o' Connell in? I was like, we did already. So he didn't. I didn't get him set up for Davitel. He didn't get back to me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Couldn't. Couldn't make it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Couldn't make it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Couldn't make it. So August 22nd. So let's say this is 15, 17 days later.

[Bobby Kelly]

17 days later, he responds.

[Jay Oakerson]

I write, oh, God, no.

[Ad Voice]

Why?

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Ad Voice]

Why?

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Jay Oakerson]

Because I needed him to know that tonight is my last weekend performance in New York City for a while because I'm leav oddball tour dates.

[Bobby Kelly]

He already told you I'm not gonna

[Jay Oakerson]

be back weeks later.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but he didn't give you.

[Jay Oakerson]

He said for a while. But it's a while. Me, it could be four days, a week, a month.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't contact me till I contact you.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's not what I meant.

[Bobby Kelly]

Exactly what it means, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

Just seeing if you were around to check out a show. If not, give me a heads up when you're back in town.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're begging. You're begging.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm begging.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're begging.

[Jay Oakerson]

The. The next day he writes back, oh, good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, fine.

[Jay Oakerson]

Thanks, Jay. But I'm still on tour in Europe.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Get it? I wrote before.

[Jay Oakerson]

Wish I could come. My tour manager is also a big fan of yours. We'll catch a show sometime for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sometime, huh? So that means some.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Stop badgering me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stop bugging us. We like you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Seven minutes later, I write, oh, God, why under 10?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a. It's. It's a. It's at least a 10 to 20 minute fucking dope. Talk back. He can see that you, seven minutes later, responded like you're Just watching your phone. You gotta. You gotta play hard to get a little bit. You can't do under 10. It's like the two day rule with chicks. You don't call them for two days. You don't respond to famous people with under 10 minutes. I waited at least 10 minutes after Anthony left to say something to him on dms. I wonder if he responded.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's going to Europe. I write.

[Bobby Kelly]

He see? He's going to another country.

[Jay Oakerson]

I write. Sweet. Have fun in the land of uncircumcised wangs. Lol. Talk to you soon, brother.

[Bobby Kelly]

You make it everything gay. You make everything about. He thinks you're trying to. Dude, you keep bringing gay and wangs into it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Know Big J was on the DL,

[Bobby Kelly]

dude. Everything, everything is. Hey, man, not gay. Not gay.

[Jay Oakerson]

Off. Jacob. He okay?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, he had to write back. That's. He. He got the joke right, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

He didn't write back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God, no. So my stomach, like, it hurts. Big, big country of uncircumcised wangs.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay, so two months later.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, two months.

[Jay Oakerson]

Eating right back.

[Bobby Kelly]

How. How many times did you look in the next couple days?

[Jay Oakerson]

No idea. I don't remember. But a month later, on my daughter's birthday.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God. So why are you thinking about another man on your daughter's birthday?

[Jay Oakerson]

I had left at this point.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, he was out of the house.

[Bobby Kelly]

Makes sense. Makes sense.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I was a deadbeat dad.

[Bobby Kelly]

I got you, got you. Gotcha. Makes sense.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

You and Christine somewhere getting high.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No, no, no.

[Jay Oakerson]

This was probably on my way to go see her to buy her present. I write, hi, buddy, exclamation point.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God. Why? Why?

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know, Bobby. Not good at this.

[Bobby Kelly]

But why are you excited?

[Jay Oakerson]

I shouldn't have had a phone until, like, last year.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why? Why excited? Why are you excited to.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hey, I like the music of the war on drugs a lot.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know, but why? Hey, buddy. Hi, buddy.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Are you replying to stories where you, like, can't see all your previous messages beforehand?

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you didn't go back and read any of this?

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Ryan Reynolds]

But you open it up and you see, like, the blue, blue, blue.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no doubt. For sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're just chasing the dragon, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hey, buddy, are you playing Radio City tomorrow? Question mark, exclamation points.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I ask you a question? You knew he was playing?

[Jay Oakerson]

Of course I did. I just. Why am I asking even? Because I write next text immediately. I just randomly check tour dates because I want to see a. Not 115 degree Tennessee heat. LOL. Is there still ticks? Now I'm asking him for ticks.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you are offering him.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I'm doing like the. Are they still available? You don't even know. I could find this a lot myself.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, you're like, I can totally Google.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Dude, you said, are you. Are you. That's a question, right? Are you playing? And then you answered your own question in the same thread and then you said, can I get ticks in the same thing, basically.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no, no, no, no. I said, is there ticks?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Get.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I get 10 tickets?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Can I get 10 tickets to the show?

[Jay Oakerson]

I said, is there ticks?

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, I know you haven't responded in 3 months to any of my gay

[Ryan Reynolds]

35 tickets to your show.

[Bobby Kelly]

My gay aggressive hits. Listen, also, you let him know that

[Jay Oakerson]

you're back in New York and you didn't contact me. I know you're back in New York.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, you're stalking me, pointing out he didn't. Hey, you said you were going to

[Jay Oakerson]

get in touch with me when you're back and you're back and I didn't hear from you. From you. Yeah, he made a promise in front of the goddess. His body made a promise to me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, you back? I know you're back. Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

By the way, so let me get. I just randomly check the dates. I don't want to see any heat. Is there still ticks? He doesn't respond. The next day did you write back,

[Bobby Kelly]

I will not be ignored, Dan?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, what I did. What I write back the next day is, I'm coming tonight. Oh, God, can't wait to watch you guys in a theater.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that's so gay. Yeah, I can't wait to watch you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Then he didn't go. That was, I believe, Lisa Ann Fenoia.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I don't know where I was out of town.

[Jay Oakerson]

You were out of town?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank God.

[Jay Oakerson]

I go. So then he doesn't respond to that. The next day at 7:10pm I write, brought a gang of people last night. Such an amazing show. Nothing back. February 2, 2016.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't believe you're continuing to message this guy. Can I just say something? Can I just say something?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you said to him, are you. And then you answered the question, I know you are. And then you said, are there any ticks available? And then no response. And then you said, got ticks. I got ticks. I got ticks. And I brought a bunch of people. I went, I went. Also, you. You let him know I will not be Deterred.

[Jay Oakerson]

I want to come. I'm coming. I went.

[Bobby Kelly]

I went.

[Jay Oakerson]

And nothing from you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nothing.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. That is. I am trying to connotate that a little bit.

[Ryan Reynolds]

He was like, I don't want to see you backstage.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow.

[Jay Oakerson]

Correct.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow.

[Jay Oakerson]

But this is what hurts. Then we have like a Gary Clark who does want us backstage. And I'm like, I do believe.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I'm like, he probably has his messages off. He's not a guy checking his personal DMS all the time.

[Jay Oakerson]

These aren't dms. These are. These aren't dm. This is. Oh, it's all text phone numbers.

[Ryan Reynolds]

This.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I tell you something about text messages? I learned it's a hundred percent real read. If you get somebody's number, like a fan or whatever. There was like these apps that got their numbers 100 read. Everybody who gets a text message reads it. It's a hundred. It's not 99. A hundred percent.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, not me.

[Bobby Kelly]

He read it and ignored it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sometimes I just do that too.

[Ryan Reynolds]

75 unread text messages.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, yeah, but you're an anomaly. You don't. You don't talk to anybody.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No, I've seen. Seen phone people.

[Bobby Kelly]

Everybody reads their text because it comes up on your phone. It says. It says big J and it says the first couple lines. You always see it. You never not see a text.

[Jay Oakerson]

I want to tell you what. What I said.

[Bobby Kelly]

You didn't say more after this. It's over.

[Jay Oakerson]

Four months later.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God. My God. Oh, my God.

[Jay Oakerson]

On my father's birthday.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why on. You shouldn't be thinking about other people on these days.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know why it's my father father's. But my father's birthday. Who gives a.

[Bobby Kelly]

You should be thinking about these people. Why? Why are you thinking of God?

[Jay Oakerson]

I am thinking of him. I'm thinking I need war.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why you think? What's his name?

[Jay Oakerson]

Adam Racio.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why is Adam Rao on your mind? Why is the lead singer of this band on your mind on your daughter's birthday and your father's birthday?

[Jay Oakerson]

Their music calms me.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, maybe red eyes came on.

[Jay Oakerson]

So I write, hey, buddy. Oh, God, don't know if you're in NYC. February 21st, parentheses it's a Sunday.

[Bobby Kelly]

You do. Oh, you're telling them the days that you know the days.

[Jay Oakerson]

But I'm taping my first one hour stand up special for Comedy Central at Webster Hall. Dot, dot, dot. Gonna be a huge event. I'm pretty stoked. Wanted to personally invite you since your tunes have often kept me sane or mellow. Or helped me be sad and get over it within the last few years.

[Bobby Kelly]

I gotta go.

[Jay Oakerson]

You should go.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to go.

[Jay Oakerson]

I gotta leave. Let me know if you're interested and I'll get you on the VIP list asap. Hope all's well with you. He wrote back five hours later. Yo, Big J, that means a lot and I appreciate it, but I live in LA now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, stop. Stop calling me. I'm not coming. I live. I live.

[Jay Oakerson]

He didn't mean that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I live across the country, bro. You need to stop texting me about your shows. I'm not coming.

[Jay Oakerson]

Coming. Yeah, and you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I just say something? You didn't. You didn't even invite me to your thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

Your songs have never mellowed me out. Made me feel sad when I should be sad.

[Bobby Kelly]

He didn't. No, no, that's not true.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You did not be true.

[Jay Oakerson]

Everybody was invited.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No, that's not.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna say this.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That's crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna say it right now.

[Ryan Reynolds]

No way.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's you. You didn't invite me to your t taping.

[Jay Oakerson]

I was afraid people wouldn't show up at all, apparently.

[Bobby Kelly]

You weren't afraid that he wasn't gonna show up?

[Jay Oakerson]

I was afraid and he didn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's never going to.

[Jay Oakerson]

He never was say that, but you're gonna want me to get through some more of these. Oh, please, before we have to have our guests in here. He writes, it means a lot. But I live in LA right now. I write back hilarious. Well, I'll let you know when it's on then. Hahaha. I'll be sure to reach out when I'm in la.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stop, Stop. I just saw your manager's head just went down in shame.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, he did.

[Jay Oakerson]

He literally just went, no, dude, this is cel. I respect and revere you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, how am I going to sell you after this?

[Jay Oakerson]

This is sellable. This is so

[Bobby Kelly]

your manager. Why you let him go?

[Ryan Reynolds]

Cuz you can't take.

[Jay Oakerson]

It does make sense, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Listen, if you have to go, you can go, bro. You need to go. Please go. Let him go.

[Jay Oakerson]

I mean, you shouldn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

You should.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's gonna get worse.

[Bobby Kelly]

You went hilarious.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why? Because here's where he's still responding once in a while.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I ask one question? Yeah. Why hilarious?

[Jay Oakerson]

What do you mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

When he. He typed back, I'm touched. Why hilarious?

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm probably being a little like, that's hilarious. Cause you said we would hang out when you were in New York and now you live in la. And you never kind of gave me the heads up. And we're supposed to be longtime friends at this point, so that's the year.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's the funny part. And then you said. And then you said, dot, dot, dot.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hilarious. Well, I'll let you know when it's out, then. I'll be sure to reach out when I'm in LA to get us to come hang or to get you to come hang at the Comedy Store or something. He writes back right away. Would love that. Congrats, man. Good luck. Thanks, brother. Now, a month later.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Jay Oakerson]

He sends me a picture of a SiriusXM of a joke, of my joke, one of my jokes playing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

And just text me the word hilarious.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay?

[Jay Oakerson]

That's. I go, nice. That's a good South Philly Jersey joke. They're from Philly. Whatever the jokes listen to. I'm in LA now, so it had me cracking up. That's him.

[Bobby Kelly]

I bet he threw his phone on the ground at that point. Point. He's here.

[Jay Oakerson]

Here's where I would listen. We're jabbing now. Now we're.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're jamming you back.

[Jay Oakerson]

We're jamming. I'm in LA now, so it's had me cracking up, man. Here's what I do. Look at these pictures from my special. I tried to make it a rock show. I just sent him pictures from my special.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Jay Oakerson]

Pictures.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God. Oh, God.

[Ryan Reynolds]

I was a really good photographer.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Jay Oakerson]

He writes back, though. He goes, whoa, that's awesome. Is that Webster? I write, yeah. You should catch my radio show on the same serious channel, Comedy Central 95. It's live Mondays and Wednesdays at 3 to 5pm, LA time, but it replays all week.

[Bobby Kelly]

A lot of information.

[Jay Oakerson]

Lot of information.

[Bobby Kelly]

A lot of information.

[Jay Oakerson]

He writes back, and I don't think I saw it as sarcastic until right this minute. I'll put it in the memory. He didn't mean that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll put it. What is the memory?

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know. He writes back. He wrote that a minute later in the same minute. I write back, after we went to see you guys at Radio City, we played all your music the next day. Lot of awesome feedback. The show's called the Bonfire.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you. Did you tell him there was good feedback on his show?

[Jay Oakerson]

Thanks, man. That rules one day. Me and the guys will come see you. Fake empty promises. I'll listen to my car. I'm so excited. We're having it back and forth. I'll be out in LA in May to do a Storytelling show for Comedy Central. I'll hit you up and see if you're around the Hang it all he writes. Hell yeah. I'll be here May 18th of the same year.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you in LA?

[Jay Oakerson]

Hi, buddy. So I'm in LA all next week doing shows at the Comedy Store and Improv. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. But if you want to come to the storytelling shoot for Comedy Central, it's on Tuesday. Let me know if you want to come and I'll get you and whoever you want to bring. All set up. Let me entertain you for once.

[Bobby Kelly]

You did the same fucking thing again.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was from a year and a half, two years ago. I forgot.

[Ad Voice]

Oh God.

[Bobby Kelly]

God.

[Jay Oakerson]

That was May 18, 2016. June 13, 2016.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jesus Christ.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm in LA again till Wednesday night.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're in again. You're in again for a whole different thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

This is great. If you want to. This gets funnier. If you want to come by the Comedy Store for a drink and watch show at all, I'm there tonight. And tomorrow night, nothing. Thirteen days later.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jesus, mother of God.

[Jay Oakerson]

I write, if you get a chance, check out my Comedy Central special, it's on demand. Also itunes. He doesn't answer.

[Bobby Kelly]

You give a lot of information.

[Jay Oakerson]

Three months later.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh my God.

[Jay Oakerson]

All right. Hey buddy, are you in LA for a bit? No response. May 1st of the next year. Hey buddy. Gonna play the new track on our radio show today. They put a new album out out. So excited for the tour, nothing. Two months later, not even sure if this is your number anymore.

[Bobby Kelly]

Leave, man. You need to leave, dude. You need to go. You shouldn't do this. This is going to affect your money, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

But I'm at the Montreal Comedy festival and my 15 year old daughter just called me out of the blue and she told me she found an amazing new band called the War on Drugs. Pretty cool. I'm take her to see. I may have made that up. I'm going to take her to see you in Philly in September because I'm going to have to miss you guys in NYC for a road gig. I'm working too. I want him to know. No response. Four months later I write, think me, my girlfriend and radio partner are coming to the show at Terminal 5.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Oh yeah, we did.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. He doesn't respond on also Monday or Tuesday. If you can come on SiriusXM to do my radio show on Comedy Central network. It would be hilarious to let me whine about how you never reply to texts like a stalker fan. No, you said that we play your music a Lot. So our audience is very familiar with you. The show is 6 to 8pm you could come in anytime for as long as you like. He doesn't reply. Four days later I write. Me and my radio partner are here so psyched to see you guys. And that's the last thing I wrote.

[Bobby Kelly]

You always have to clump.

[Jay Oakerson]

But look at the end. Look how blue it got at the end there.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's blue in our. On the screen and in our hearts.

[Ryan Reynolds]

He was like, I, he, he was like. I told he was a fan.

[Jay Oakerson]

Huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

He was a fan. You just gotta let it go down.

[Jay Oakerson]

I did what I do.

[Bobby Kelly]

You do. Dude, you gotta stop doing what you do.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's my thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not your thing. You gotta stop. You gotta stop, man.

[Ryan Reynolds]

You know what?

[Jay Oakerson]

Friends with Sal Volcano. John Popper likes me.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah. Sal was very Sal. What happened with Sal was what you wished happened with all celebrities that you meet. Because that was really just like long lost best friends didn't shut down emotionally.

[Jay Oakerson]

No. Yeah. Sal came in and he was like, dude, I'm a fan of you. And I was like, shut up. But he was like, really? He's like, I see it seller all the time. I own this bar. We did comedy show. And I was like, what? And so it was pretty.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm a fan of you. That's all Jay wants. That's what Jay wants.

[Jay Oakerson]

I want Born on drugs to be a fan of me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. It's never gonna happen. He was.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Then he thought you were trying to. Trying to do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you try. Yeah, you started. You started to dirty talking.

[Jay Oakerson]

I bet if he showed these texts to Kristen Ritter, his wife though, she would be like, it's sweet.

[Bobby Kelly]

I bet she he did. And she was like, you got to stop.

[Jay Oakerson]

She asked baby stance to call the police.

[Bobby Kelly]

She was probably like, hey, you got to stop talking to this guy. He's crazy. He's stalking you. You literally was stalking. You turned into a stalker, buddy.

[Jay Oakerson]

That was humiliating. We have to get our guests in here. So we got to take a break.

[Bobby Kelly]

We got the guests coming in.

[Jay Oakerson]

We should announce also we stayed.

[Bobby Kelly]

You should have a talk with your manager before he leaves.

[Jay Oakerson]

Leaves. It's coming. Well, he should be here for the commercial. I'm sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but have a little chat and be like if he's all right and everything's still the same.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well there. You guys know in the pre record on Thursday, you're gonna hear an interview we did today with Anthony Michael Hall.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby's long lost best friend.

[Bobby Kelly]

It turns out my brother from the Berry.

[Jay Oakerson]

But he has a new show coming out. It's a celebrity game show premiering on Fox Wednesday, July 15th. That is tomorrow at 9pm Eastern. It's called Nations Dumb Fun. Cast of characters. Anthony Michael hall, legend from the Breakfast Club. Weird Science.

[Bobby Kelly]

So good. What a fun guy. What a fun guest. You're gonna love it. And Derek Gaines is coming in next. And go to bigjaycomedy.com for all his dates. He's gonna be all over the place.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna Winnipeg this weekend, New Hampshire this summer.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go to Punchup Lives, slash Robert Kelly. And we'll be right back. We'll be right back. We gotta go wash our mouths out. This taste out of our mouth. Ugh.

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[Jay Oakerson]

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[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Ryan Reynolds]

Did you say 300?

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[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

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