The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly

Episode: "Jay’s Wall Splat"
Date: March 5, 2026
Host: SiriusXM Faction Talk (103)

Episode Overview

In this riotous episode, Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly—joined by regulars Christine, Jacob, Paco, and Black Lou—tumble through a live, unfiltered, and hysterically candid hour. The main event: Jay and Bobby attempting to master Heelys (roller shoes), leading to epic physical comedy, constant ribbing, and the titular "wall splat." Sandwiched between the chaos are digressions about embarrassing camping experiences, unconventional toilet anecdotes, and a hilarious deep-dive into a viral online fitness “man test.” The energy is loose, the banter ruthless, and the group delivers on their promise of pure comedy chaos both on and off wheels.

Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Trying Heelys: Middle-Aged Heely Virgins

• [01:10-15:36]
  • Jay and Bobby receive their Heelys and attempt to learn them live. They respond with bemused fear, confusion at the basic mechanics, and endless banter about dominance, balance, and bailing out mid-glide.
  • Christine and Jacob play the role of skeptical (and mocking) bystanders, while Paco becomes the eventual Heelys hero.
  • Memorable Exchange:
    • Jay: "I'm just gonna walk around the rest of the day in pure fear." [09:02]
    • Bobby (out of breath): "It's hard to Heely. Heely's not..." [09:33]

2. The Heelys Debacle Intensifies

• [12:04-16:16]
  • Persistent complaints about the carpeted studio. Ideas fly about trying in the elevator lobby (“more dangerous, I agree”).
  • They uncover their Heelys are outdated models, blaming Christine for not buying the ‘pro’ versions.
  • Memorable Quote:
    • Jay: “Thanks a lot, Christine. You got us the wrong Heelys. That’s the problem.” [10:57]

3. Squatty Potty Scandal and Toilet Culture Riff

• [16:17-24:01]
  • Tangent about the Squatty Potty inventor’s legal troubles, morphing into a broader conversation on how humans should poop, camping toilets, and portable outhouse horror stories.
  • Notable Banter:
    • Bobby: “That’s 100% the way you’re supposed to shit... Your intestines open up better.” [19:03]
    • Jay: “Why would you possibly shit like that now? Are you the Swiss Family Robinson?” [18:59]

4. Camping, Porta-Potties, and True Tales of Bathroom Despair

• [24:01-26:08]
  • The hosts share gross-out stories—Bobby fishing glasses out of a Peter Pan bus toilet, outhouse spiders, and the indignities of festival porta-potties.
  • Quote:
    • Bobby: “I heard the guy go 'pulling in to Penn Station,' I just stuck my hand in, and I felt a nugget hit my knuckle.” [26:06]
  • Leads to a round of health and hygiene jokes.

5. Self-Help Affirmations Turned Absurd

• [26:51-27:28]
  • Bobby launches into tongue-in-cheek affirmations (“I can Healy, by divine right”) to inspire Jay, culminating in a shared mantra that blends actual motivational language with mockery.
  • Dialogue highlight:
    • Bobby: “Repeat after me. Universe—”
    • Jay: “Universe. I can Healy. By divine right. In a perfect way.” [27:00]

6. Paco's Heely Masterclass & The Age Debate

• [39:06-41:28]
  • After Jay and Bobby’s physical slapstick, Paco shows everyone how it’s done—gliding with double peace signs across the studio, to their total chagrin.
  • They attribute his balance to “tiny Asian penis” jokes and lament generational decline.
  • Jay (jealously): “He did exactly what he knows I want to do. He knew double peace signs going to be my move!” [40:54]

7. The “Man Test” Fitness Challenge

• [42:02-56:01]
  • Jacob reveals he completed Jeff Cavaliere’s “Seven Exercises Every Man Should Do”: hand-release push-ups, 15 pull-ups, 2-minute dead hangs, side planks with leg raise, single-leg wall sits, the “old man test” (putting on socks/shoes while balancing), and the titular “wall splat.”
  • Jay and Bobby mock and try (and fail) some of them live, especially the wall splat, culminating in Jay’s spectacular on-air fall.
  • Notable Sequence:
    • Jay (after splatting): “Jay just fell on his fucking jaw, Jay. That’s what happens. No heelys. Get that on video, Lou.” [54:44]
    • Bobby: “Dude, I’ve never seen you fall like that in my life.” [55:15]

8. Jacob's Hollow Victory

• [49:47-54:44]
  • Jacob confesses his quest for acknowledgment after completing the fitness test was met with solitude.
  • Group riffs on how he could’ve shared it with pets, ants, a flea circus, or pigeons.
  • Jay (teasing): “I think he has a mirror in his house with somebody painted on it where his face just goes in and it's another outfit. And he talks to that person.” [50:15]

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Heelys & Balance:
  • “It’s our big helmets. It’s our fat guy nuts... probably my big, fat American ...that’s dragging me to one side or the other.” – Jay [40:30]
• On Affirmation, Irony Style:
  • “I can Healy. Like a professional helior...well, come on, that’s just—now, like a good healer. Like a decent…” – Bobby/Jay, back and forth [27:05]
• On Jacob’s Man Test:
  • “There wasn’t even an applause.” – Jacob, on finishing 7 feats alone [50:03]
  • “We didn't want to diminish your accomplishment. I just want you to be able to share with someone. Wouldn’t it be great to turn around and be like, hey, Blinky, Pinky, Stinky and Winky. All of my aunts.” – Jay [51:12]
• Wall Splat Catastrophe:
  • “Jay just fucking fell on his fucking jaw, Jay. That's what happens. No Heelys. No Heelys. Get that on video, Lou.” – Bobby [54:44]
  • “Man, oh, man. I hope on this one you just see me vanish.” – Jay, after reviewing the fall [55:12]

Important Timestamps

• Heelys Unboxing & First Attempts: 01:10 – 15:36
• Heelys Tutorials & Physical Gags: 02:22, 03:06, 04:00, 06:16, 07:22, 13:19
• Affirmation Comedy: 26:51 – 27:28
• Squatty Potty Riff & Poop Stories: 16:17 – 24:01
• Paco’s Heely Triumph: 39:06 – 41:28
• Fitness "Man Test" Introduction: 42:02 – 45:17
• Wall Splat & Jay’s Fall: 53:09 – 55:15
• Jacob’s Loneliness Bit: 49:47 – 51:12

Tone & Style

The entire episode is steeped in the hosts’ signature irreverent humor, friendly brutality, and self-deprecation. The tone is loud, collaborative, and constantly teetering between competitive banter and vulnerable confession, peppered with exaggerations and bits that loop back throughout the hour.

Takeaways for Listeners

• Physical stunts and failures make for the best live radio: Jay's “wall splat” is both a comedic and literal crash.
• Group dynamics thrive on relentless teasing, but there’s warmth underneath: Jacob’s personal victory is both mocked and ultimately applauded.
• The Bonfire at its best is equal parts behind-the-scenes comedy hang and organized chaos, making listeners feel like they're in the green room with NYC’s funniest degenerates.

For a full experience, tune in to the full episode on SiriusXM Faction Talk, Channel 103, Mondays to Thursdays at 5pm ET.