Jay's Wall Splat

Summary

---

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly

Episode: "Jay’s Wall Splat"
Date: March 5, 2026
Host: SiriusXM Faction Talk (103)

---

Episode Overview

In this riotous episode, Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly—joined by regulars Christine, Jacob, Paco, and Black Lou—tumble through a live, unfiltered, and hysterically candid hour. The main event: Jay and Bobby attempting to master Heelys (roller shoes), leading to epic physical comedy, constant ribbing, and the titular "wall splat." Sandwiched between the chaos are digressions about embarrassing camping experiences, unconventional toilet anecdotes, and a hilarious deep-dive into a viral online fitness “man test.” The energy is loose, the banter ruthless, and the group delivers on their promise of pure comedy chaos both on and off wheels.

---

Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Trying Heelys: Middle-Aged Heely Virgins

• [01:10-15:36]
  • Jay and Bobby receive their Heelys and attempt to learn them live. They respond with bemused fear, confusion at the basic mechanics, and endless banter about dominance, balance, and bailing out mid-glide.
  • Christine and Jacob play the role of skeptical (and mocking) bystanders, while Paco becomes the eventual Heelys hero.
  • Memorable Exchange:
    • Jay: "I'm just gonna walk around the rest of the day in pure fear." [09:02]
    • Bobby (out of breath): "It's hard to Heely. Heely's not..." [09:33]

2. The Heelys Debacle Intensifies

• [12:04-16:16]
  • Persistent complaints about the carpeted studio. Ideas fly about trying in the elevator lobby (“more dangerous, I agree”).
  • They uncover their Heelys are outdated models, blaming Christine for not buying the ‘pro’ versions.
  • Memorable Quote:
    • Jay: “Thanks a lot, Christine. You got us the wrong Heelys. That’s the problem.” [10:57]

3. Squatty Potty Scandal and Toilet Culture Riff

• [16:17-24:01]
  • Tangent about the Squatty Potty inventor’s legal troubles, morphing into a broader conversation on how humans should poop, camping toilets, and portable outhouse horror stories.
  • Notable Banter:
    • Bobby: “That’s 100% the way you’re supposed to shit... Your intestines open up better.” [19:03]
    • Jay: “Why would you possibly shit like that now? Are you the Swiss Family Robinson?” [18:59]

4. Camping, Porta-Potties, and True Tales of Bathroom Despair

• [24:01-26:08]
  • The hosts share gross-out stories—Bobby fishing glasses out of a Peter Pan bus toilet, outhouse spiders, and the indignities of festival porta-potties.
  • Quote:
    • Bobby: “I heard the guy go 'pulling in to Penn Station,' I just stuck my hand in, and I felt a nugget hit my knuckle.” [26:06]
  • Leads to a round of health and hygiene jokes.

5. Self-Help Affirmations Turned Absurd

• [26:51-27:28]
  • Bobby launches into tongue-in-cheek affirmations (“I can Healy, by divine right”) to inspire Jay, culminating in a shared mantra that blends actual motivational language with mockery.
  • Dialogue highlight:
    • Bobby: “Repeat after me. Universe—”
    • Jay: “Universe. I can Healy. By divine right. In a perfect way.” [27:00]

6. Paco's Heely Masterclass & The Age Debate

• [39:06-41:28]
  • After Jay and Bobby’s physical slapstick, Paco shows everyone how it’s done—gliding with double peace signs across the studio, to their total chagrin.
  • They attribute his balance to “tiny Asian penis” jokes and lament generational decline.
  • Jay (jealously): “He did exactly what he knows I want to do. He knew double peace signs going to be my move!” [40:54]

7. The “Man Test” Fitness Challenge

• [42:02-56:01]
  • Jacob reveals he completed Jeff Cavaliere’s “Seven Exercises Every Man Should Do”: hand-release push-ups, 15 pull-ups, 2-minute dead hangs, side planks with leg raise, single-leg wall sits, the “old man test” (putting on socks/shoes while balancing), and the titular “wall splat.”
  • Jay and Bobby mock and try (and fail) some of them live, especially the wall splat, culminating in Jay’s spectacular on-air fall.
  • Notable Sequence:
    • Jay (after splatting): “Jay just fell on his fucking jaw, Jay. That’s what happens. No heelys. Get that on video, Lou.” [54:44]
    • Bobby: “Dude, I’ve never seen you fall like that in my life.” [55:15]

8. Jacob's Hollow Victory

• [49:47-54:44]
  • Jacob confesses his quest for acknowledgment after completing the fitness test was met with solitude.
  • Group riffs on how he could’ve shared it with pets, ants, a flea circus, or pigeons.
  • Jay (teasing): “I think he has a mirror in his house with somebody painted on it where his face just goes in and it's another outfit. And he talks to that person.” [50:15]

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Heelys & Balance:
  • “It’s our big helmets. It’s our fat guy nuts... probably my big, fat American ...that’s dragging me to one side or the other.” – Jay [40:30]
• On Affirmation, Irony Style:
  • “I can Healy. Like a professional helior...well, come on, that’s just—now, like a good healer. Like a decent…” – Bobby/Jay, back and forth [27:05]
• On Jacob’s Man Test:
  • “There wasn’t even an applause.” – Jacob, on finishing 7 feats alone [50:03]
  • “We didn't want to diminish your accomplishment. I just want you to be able to share with someone. Wouldn’t it be great to turn around and be like, hey, Blinky, Pinky, Stinky and Winky. All of my aunts.” – Jay [51:12]
• Wall Splat Catastrophe:
  • “Jay just fucking fell on his fucking jaw, Jay. That's what happens. No Heelys. No Heelys. Get that on video, Lou.” – Bobby [54:44]
  • “Man, oh, man. I hope on this one you just see me vanish.” – Jay, after reviewing the fall [55:12]

---

Important Timestamps

• Heelys Unboxing & First Attempts: 01:10 – 15:36
• Heelys Tutorials & Physical Gags: 02:22, 03:06, 04:00, 06:16, 07:22, 13:19
• Affirmation Comedy: 26:51 – 27:28
• Squatty Potty Riff & Poop Stories: 16:17 – 24:01
• Paco’s Heely Triumph: 39:06 – 41:28
• Fitness "Man Test" Introduction: 42:02 – 45:17
• Wall Splat & Jay’s Fall: 53:09 – 55:15
• Jacob’s Loneliness Bit: 49:47 – 51:12

---

Tone & Style

The entire episode is steeped in the hosts’ signature irreverent humor, friendly brutality, and self-deprecation. The tone is loud, collaborative, and constantly teetering between competitive banter and vulnerable confession, peppered with exaggerations and bits that loop back throughout the hour.

---

Takeaways for Listeners

• Physical stunts and failures make for the best live radio: Jay's “wall splat” is both a comedic and literal crash.
• Group dynamics thrive on relentless teasing, but there’s warmth underneath: Jacob’s personal victory is both mocked and ultimately applauded.
• The Bonfire at its best is equal parts behind-the-scenes comedy hang and organized chaos, making listeners feel like they're in the green room with NYC’s funniest degenerates.

---

For a full experience, tune in to the full episode on SiriusXM Faction Talk, Channel 103, Mondays to Thursdays at 5pm ET.

Transcript

[A]

There's a reason Chevy trucks are known for their dependability.

[B]

It's because they show up no matter the weather, push forward no matter the terrain and deliver. That's why Chevrolet has earned more dependability awards for trucks than any other brand in 2025, according to J.D.

[A]

power.

[B]

Because in every Chevy truck, like every Chevy driver, dependability comes standard. Visit Chevy.com to learn more. Chevrolet received the highest total number of awards among all trucks in the J.D. power 2025 U.S. vehicle Dependability Study Awards

[A]

based on 2022 models.

[B]

Newer models may be shown. Visit J.D. power.com awards for more details. Chevrolet together, let's drive.

[A]

Want consistent color for every job? Milo's Pro Rewards members get a 20% paint discount on future purchases after paint Annual qualifying spend reaches $3,000 plus order eligible in stock paint and paint supplies by 2pm for free. Same day delivery by 8pm improving is easy at Lowes. Exclude spray paint and mistints. More exclusions terms and conditions apply. Subject to Change details@lowe's.com Terms Same day delivery valid in select zip codes. Subject to driver availability [e-mail] SameDayDelivery and now the bonfire with Big J. Okerson and Robert Kelly. Oh ho ho ho ho ho.

[C]

Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle jiggle.

[A]

Jacob, stop complaining. Sorry we had to put our Heelys on, dude.

[B]

Chill, bro.

[A]

Enjoy the bit. Don't poo poo everything stank face.

[B]

Well, he did. He did have a rough day yesterday.

[A]

What happened? I know the wind blow him away.

[B]

Corey. Ellie spilled a full blue moon into his duffel bag.

[A]

That was fun. Remember that? Jacob was in there. Jacob was in there detailing on his hands and knees like Cinderella.

[B]

I laughed about that. I laughed about it last night. I laughed about it this morning. Yeah, just picturing you.

[A]

Still smells like beer.

[B]

Humiliating smelling yeast on the way home.

[C]

It's the worst smell from like fermented beer sticks.

[A]

Sticky.

[C]

The worst.

[B]

Corelli did my podcast last night. He spilled another blue moon.

[A]

Did he?

[B]

Yeah, he spilled a whole. A whole cup.

[A]

Those big beer cups maybe needs less blue moons.

[B]

Nah. Maybe that he talks too much with his hands. Oh, yeah, and he's not used to sitting down drinking. He's used to standing up holding his drink. Oh, dude, be careful.

[A]

I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna be able to do

[B]

these tell people what we're doing.

[A]

I'm afraid. I'm afraid already.

[B]

Our Heelys came in.

[A]

I'm gonna do a split.

[B]

No, dude. You got it. You got it.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

It's like skiing Bro, it's all mental.

[A]

I don't know how to ski.

[B]

It's okay. Well, it's like. It's like. It's like. It's like. It's like a crowd work, bro. If you go up there thinking you can't do it, or what if they don't like me? What if it doesn't work? You go out there and say it. You got to say you got it. Dude, you're a helior.

[A]

Have you ever fucked black eye? Nope. It's not like crowd work, all right?

[B]

Dude, it's like fucking cooking stromboli.

[A]

It's not like cooking stromboli. It's like skating on your heels, and I don't know how to ski. Oh, God.

[B]

Oh, God. Dude, you got this. You got to be pulled.

[C]

Have.

[A]

Have my heels right now.

[B]

Heel, not one heel has to be up in the front toe.

[A]

Paco, pull me.

[B]

Jay, let me read the directions to you.

[C]

Wait, wait.

[A]

I'm gonna go in the heely's position. Pull me. I'm healing.

[B]

I'm gonna read the directions.

[A]

Ready? These are terrifying.

[B]

Try this. Ready? Start on a smooth surface, flat surface, with your feet shoulders wide apart. Feet and shoulders wide apart.

[A]

No problem.

[B]

Take a step and push with your back foot. Lift the toes of your front foot so only the wheel is touching.

[A]

Wait. Shoulder length apart, though, means they're side by side.

[B]

Well, now you're going to put your other foot in front.

[A]

Did it say that in the instructions?

[B]

Take a step and push with your back foot so your heel up in the front. Put your foot in the front. Now push with your back one. I should probably read the next direction, too, because it's something you got to do right after that.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Make sure you keep one foot in front of the other. Usually your dominant, which is your dominant.

[A]

Am I right?

[B]

Dude, you're right.

[A]

Yeah. You want me to put it across Jacob's face real quick.

[B]

Real quick.

[A]

Okay. Just real quick, Jacob. Stay right there. Put the cigarette in your mouth.

[B]

Nice. Make sure you keep one foot in front of the other. Usually your dominant foot will be in front. Now you should be smooth rolling along the floor.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

To stop, lift your toes.

[A]

Don't panic and grab things.

[B]

Lift your toes on both feet so your heels are touching. So you stop with your heels.

[A]

What?

[B]

Hence Healy.

[A]

That doesn't make any sense. The heels have my wheels in them.

[B]

Yeah, but the back heel doesn't.

[A]

What about my front, where there's no wheel? Wouldn't that be great just to run out of it?

[B]

Ready?

[A]

Oh, Christine left. She's sick of it.

[B]

Can you turn the heat down? Dude, it's so put. No, put your dominant foot in front with the heel, the toes up.

[A]

Dominant in the back or front?

[B]

Dominant in the. Make sure you keep your. Usually your dominant foot will be in front. No, in front. Dominant is in front of. So heel up on the wheel. So toe up on that one in front. Yep. Now push up.

[A]

Have you done heelys before? Why are you nodding yes then? Your words of affirmation are not. They're falling on deaf ears, so.

[B]

Hey, hey.

[A]

What the fuck did you say to me?

[B]

Dude? I fucking slap him too.

[A]

Fucking just. Hang on, hang on. Put this cigarette in your mouth, Paco.

[B]

All right.

[A]

I keep missing the cigarette. Jacob, do me a favor. Put this cigarette in your belly button real quick. Y damn cigarette's still in there.

[B]

All right, dude, ready? Dominant foot, front, toe up.

[A]

Don't make me fall.

[B]

I'm not gonna.

[A]

You want a little taste before I do this? Just so you know not to with me?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Put the cigarette in your ear.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

I missed a cigarette, but you get the point.

[B]

Yeah, I get it.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Before Bobby read the instructions, he just was doing, like, imaginary horsey in the studio.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

I don't know why he thought that that was how you.

[A]

Well, in fairness, he didn't read the instructions yet.

[B]

All right, ready? Here you go. Now keep your.

[A]

I think mine are broken.

[B]

They're not broken. They're fine. Put your dominant foot up front.

[A]

Fuck. She come from?

[B]

She's a witch. She just appeared. You didn't smell the smoke?

[A]

She's gone. She was there.

[B]

That's the way women roll.

[A]

Did she go into the heelys box?

[B]

Ready?

[A]

Is there magic in here?

[B]

Dominant foot in front, toe up. So it's on the wheel. Back foot. Now push off the back foot.

[A]

I'm gonna hold my walker.

[B]

You don't need a walker.

[A]

I need it. Back foot, push.

[B]

That was it.

[A]

Did I heal you?

[B]

You heal you.

[A]

Paco, what size are you? Nine and a half. I was gonna say you put on Bobby's and see if they work. We're never gonna find out. They work. Whoa.

[C]

We kind of had it there.

[B]

Almost had it.

[A]

Ready?

[B]

Toe up, dominant, dominant. Then you go. Oh, don't put the foot. Don't put the top.

[A]

Well, move the chair out of the way so you're not careening into it every time. Oh, somebody doesn't want to get their purse wet again. Look at Jacob moving all the stuff.

[B]

All right, toe up, toe up.

[C]

Room.

[A]

You're not giving yourself room to. To send it.

[B]

I'm getting.

[A]

He's getting it. Yeah. Shut up. Ready?

[B]

Heal up.

[A]

Ready? He knows how to do gay sports for the gay Olympics.

[B]

You're with my confidence. Ready?

[A]

Yes. Why do you set yourself up a situation where you can't go? What do you mean you're stopping? Are you building a doll? Why is there just a picture of legs on your phone?

[B]

That's the Healey instructions.

[A]

Oh, okay. Tell you where to put your legs. You're not giving yourself any spit. You're doing it, and then you're just crashing into the chair, but there's no room. Speak to him, Healy. Great. Healy.

[C]

I will say Bobby's not holding on to anything.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Like some people.

[A]

Oh, I can't do it. I've given up.

[C]

That's honest.

[A]

Oh, my God. Bobby. You've got to put one foot in front of the other. Got to put it.

[C]

Be the carpet also slowing you down.

[A]

Down, down. Yeah. We are not on a. A smooth surface like it says to be.

[C]

You guys need break dancing boards.

[A]

We probably need some linoleum.

[C]

You need to travel with lol.

[A]

We need to travel lolium so we can do this. So we can do our. Our roller break. We can't do it. We can't practice roller breaking if we don't have linoleum, dude. And now we think idiots.

[B]

Dude. I don't think my. My old man legs.

[C]

All the videos they're all on.

[B]

I don't think my old man legs can handle it. I think you need more quad.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I don't think we have enough quad.

[A]

I don't know. I'm just gonna walk around the rest of the day in pure fear.

[B]

We should walk back to the parking lot in the Heelys.

[A]

Oh, we should, dude. Get nice frozen ice in the middle of our things.

[B]

It's fun to, like, have your wheels, though.

[A]

I feel you laughing at me, Jacob. Hold the cigarette in your face. Hold the cigarette. Your nose, T. Sorry. Next time I'll get the cigarette.

[B]

We got Heelysing. We don't know how to do it.

[A]

It's very unrewarding.

[B]

I told you.

[A]

What?

[B]

I told you Heelys were hard.

[A]

You're so out of breath.

[B]

I know, because I tried to heal. I tried to Healy.

[A]

And what'd you do, hold your breath during it?

[B]

Well, it's hard to Healy. Healy's not.

[A]

Well, it doesn't seem hard for this motherfucker.

[B]

Well, let's watch the video. I say, okay, so that what you

[A]

got to do come on. Fuck this guy. That's not how it works.

[B]

We're on a carpet. You can't heal you on carpet. Dude, we gotta go downstairs to the. We gotta go downstairs.

[A]

Oh, I see what you're saying. We should make this more dangerous. I agree.

[C]

Head to the main lobby.

[B]

We'll go to the main lobby.

[A]

We probably should hit the main lobby, I think. Is there carpet out here? Elevator bank on commercial break. We could probably fucking.

[B]

We could do from one door to the other.

[A]

I won't make it that far.

[B]

You don't know that because it might be the carpet that's fucking up your confidence.

[A]

All right, let's make a bet and we'll do a 50. 50 bet. I make it to the end or I cry. Somewhere in the beginning I cry. I say wheels on things are stupid. I p. An elevator.

[B]

I think it's just the trick.

[A]

You're gonna have to come out in case you need you to hold a cigarette. Dude, I get wound up.

[B]

Look at. There it is. You put your dominant toe up.

[A]

No, hang on. His wheels way back. That's not a Healey.

[B]

That's a. That's the new.

[A]

He's super Heely. Look how far back that wheel is.

[B]

Those are the new Heelys. We got the old Heelys. We got the 19. 1998.

[A]

He's. We got the original Heelys. Well, thanks a lot, Christine. You got us the wrong Heelys. That's the problem. Perfect. We had Heelys. Yeah.

[B]

We got the old ones. They advanced the technology.

[A]

The technologies move forward.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

The new Heelys have more balance.

[C]

You think two wheels would be better for you guys?

[B]

I don't like. Can you do me a favor? Seriously, do me a favor. No. Yeah. Just put it right in her face.

[A]

Absolutely. Christine, don't light it because I know you've been not smoking for a long time. I'm very proud of you for that. Hold the cigarette real quick in your mouth, K. Sorry. You can keep the cigarette though, toots. You're gonna need it to rinse yourself off after this. Right here. Sorry. I'm wound up, dude.

[B]

You thought you were gonna heal you today. You're wound up.

[A]

I know. And then Jacob just fucking laughed at me. Christine, get over here one more time, K.

[B]

Jacob's still laughing. I don't like it.

[A]

It's not helping me any.

[B]

I don't like it.

[A]

Get up, Christine. Get the up. I'm gonna try one more time. I'm gonna look at Jacob. Oh, he makes me right mad right there. Christine, take this. Yeah. Hey, no, it's nothing. I'm still angry. I'm still angry.

[B]

You've just never done it before. Like, it never. We're doing it on the wrong. On the wrong surface, bro. That's it. It's carpet. You can't heal.

[A]

You think when I can fly on these things, it's gonn.

[C]

Yeah, Jay, you don't. You want a smooth surface so you can go really fast.

[B]

Jay, don't listen to him. You hit him again.

[A]

All right, Jacob, here, catch cigarette. You got to catch it now. Look, catch. Yay. No, Jacob, you gotta. I'm gonna throw. You gotta catch it with your hands.

[C]

Got it?

[A]

Okay. Two, three, hip, go. All right, dude, learn how to catch. I'll come back around later. Give me that cigarette back.

[B]

I like the new Heelys are like regular shoes.

[A]

Yeah, like regular shoes.

[B]

No, these have square fronts. The heavy. The front heavy.

[A]

These are all right. I mean, they're not like cool looking, but I mean, they could be worse, I think. Don't they have flames on them? Yeah, no, Bobby's looks like an for sure.

[B]

Definitely.

[A]

Bobby looks like those only working Guy Fieri restaurants. They're like those shopping carts that they lock once you get away from a guy Fieri's.

[B]

Wait. And camo. Yeah, we should. I should have got the camo. You should have got the flames. Camo and Flames. Come on, guys. That should be our new nicknames. That's our healing nicknames. Camo and Flames. Yeah, Camo and Flames.

[A]

Hell yeah, dude.

[B]

Yeah, we could do a movie where we don't have Harley's. Yeah, it's not Marble man.

[C]

And.

[B]

And. And Jack Daniels. What was it called?

[A]

Wild Hogs.

[B]

No, Harley Davidson. Harley Davidson and the marble Man. We're healing slams. Dude, we solve crimes on Heelys, but

[A]

we could be the Wild Hogs.

[B]

We definitely be wild. That's what they would call us behind our back at the office.

[A]

Oh, God. Oh, the Wild. Oh, yeah. He goes, oh, yeah. Flames and camo coming. He goes, oh, you mean the Wild Hogs. He goes, ah, they're coming. Don't say anything. Don't say anything. They think they look pretty cool in those healies I've had. Here's what's bothering me. It's bothering me a lot.

[B]

You have wheels on your feet. No, that's just dangerous.

[A]

Is that. I had a vision in my head. Whoa.

[B]

You had visions too.

[A]

It was different. Oh, this is turn that. These visions are impossible. You could have a home invasion that you're unaware of. Yeah, that could happen. I thought that as soon as we got these, it was gonna be. I was gonna go to Story wars after this tonight and Healy into the room. Everyone's gonna be like, oh, shit. And then skanks on Monday, they're gonna be like, now that was like a one time thing. And then when we walk in. Yeah, Everybody claps when we walk in. It feels very nice. They clap. And I'm just moving like a fucking Spike Lee movie on a dolly. Just like the world's going beside me and I'm fucking healing.

[B]

Yeah, that dream's not. It's not dead. We have to change texture.

[A]

I'll go outside into that bank with you, the elevator bank with you. And I will try to heal you, Bobby. I'm telling you, I'll give everything I got. I'm telling you. Strong chance I'm not able to come back on air afterwards.

[B]

Okay, here's.

[A]

I'm going down. I'm going down hard. I don't know how to do it. And I'm going to get scared. I'm going to say mean things.

[B]

This is the negativity.

[A]

I'm going to call everybody assholes. You're all assholes. Jacob, if you snicker, I swear to God. Take this fucking cigarette right now. Hold it. K. Nah. Give me that cigarette. Wait. Take it back one more time.

[B]

Hey, you just kick him with your healing.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, my God. That's. That's dangerous.

[A]

I know. I hope the blood doesn't make me skid.

[B]

I'm telling you right now. We got it. We got it.

[A]

You got it.

[B]

No, we got it.

[A]

You know you got it.

[B]

No, that's what I'm trying to get you to think. We got it. We.

[A]

You have a sticker on the bottom of yours. You're gonna die, buddy.

[B]

We're. We're. Campbell in flames.

[A]

You have a sticker on the bottom of your shoe. You're gonna.

[B]

I'm not gonna die.

[A]

You're gonna slide on this. There's no traction.

[B]

Paco, can you take that sticker off my shoe for me?

[A]

Dive a sticker also.

[B]

Paco, can you get that for me? Thank you, Paco.

[A]

Oh, my God. This is probably why I couldn't do it before.

[B]

Try it again.

[A]

There was a sticker.

[B]

Well, it's.

[A]

We know. Hang out a little bit.

[B]

Why is it so hard to get the sticker?

[A]

We're already sitting there. It is a two part process.

[B]

Thank you, Paco. Appreciate that. I love having a little Filipino Gunga Din.

[A]

I wouldn't have made him do that if we Went anywhere in these except for this room right here. Hey, Paco, pull the city off my shoe, please.

[B]

Paco, sit down. Why are you standing?

[A]

That's how he likes to fucking operate.

[B]

You know what? Squat.

[A]

Speaking of.

[B]

Yeah, speaking of squatting.

[A]

Speaking of squatting, apparently I heard this today on Skanks. The inventor of the Squatty Potty child pornography really got called childhood porn. Christine. Fact check it. Little boy to come in my face. I want that little boy to come in my face.

[B]

Put the headphones on here.

[A]

Little boy. Come in my face.

[C]

I sure do.

[B]

You missed it.

[A]

Here we go. Alleged Utah child predator and creator of the Squatty Potty, indicted after allegedly receiving child sexual abuse material.

[B]

That's hot abuse.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna watch it, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, you gotta see the dark stuff, right?

[B]

Yeah. You're not gonna. You're not going to dip your toes in that. You just got to jump right in the lake.

[A]

Yeah. You want to watch somebody be beheaded or shot real quick and you go, I guess beheaded.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

If I have to watch somebody die, like, show me the one that I'm going to go. I shouldn't have ever seen that, ever. That's the worst I've ever seen. I don't want to be okay with it. I got shot real quick, like, oh, that sucks.

[B]

Jacob. What? What do you have product you're going to try to.

[C]

I don't agree with Lifestyle. Good product.

[B]

Oh, the product.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I have to.

[C]

Yeah, dude, we all have one.

[A]

Yeah, but do you realize now we support. That's exactly what it means. It means you support a product that was meant to keep assholes clean. Well, here's the thing.

[B]

Here's the thing. That's. He invented it. He invented it by cleaning little kids assholes so children.

[A]

So children can reach the toilet.

[B]

Yeah, he was. He had kids in his house that had their feet dangling when they were taking shits.

[A]

Yeah. He goes, it's for adults. But you know, also if kids need to climb to the toilet buttholes and clean.

[B]

I was getting. I was getting freaked out seeing the little feet dangle when I was cleaning their. Of their Cheerios.

[A]

Yeah, gross. Stop reminding me you're not of age.

[B]

That's so funny. If he really did come up with that, just molesting kids. This is a good idea. Yeah, that's a great idea.

[A]

You can say, go clean yourself up. Like, I can't get to the sink. Like, well, here's a little stool. Hey, whoa, wait a second. They do say the Japanese figured out Better than us. They didn't. By the way, Paco, sorry, I know you're Chinese, but the Japanese people didn't figure out shitting because they squat over a hole in the ground. That's insane to do in the middle of your workday the way you're supposed to. Yeah, it is the thing. It is how you're supposed to shift your Tarzan.

[B]

No, we like that for thousands of years. Yeah, that's the way we're supposed to.

[A]

Not like you're. No, it's not.

[B]

You're not supposed to sit and.

[A]

Are you the Swiss Family Robinson? Why?

[B]

Because your body was meant to squat down.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And that's how your intestines and your asshole opens up better.

[A]

Oh, I didn't realize, Gilligan. Why would you possibly shit like that now? You're supposed to shit.

[B]

That's 100% the way you're supposed to shit.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Shut up, Jacob.

[C]

Position's a butthole.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What are you calling me? Sideways? Hold a cigarette, Jacob. Hey, this guy's on my ass today.

[B]

I can't stand him. I fucking hate him.

[A]

He's up my ass today.

[B]

Yeah. And his face. These little smirks he's giving you behind your back.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Squatty potty.

[A]

Anatomically, yeah. Yeah, but it's stupid.

[B]

It is dumb.

[A]

You look like a maniac. Squatting completely down. The piss. Like a catcher.

[C]

No, it's. What do you mean? Well, who you shitting in front of?

[A]

No one. It just still seems stupid.

[B]

It does seem stupid.

[A]

Just do a full knee bend all the way down.

[C]

I don't think it looks bad. I think it looks cool.

[A]

When I flew together, my dog's asshole is further from the ground than that.

[B]

No, your dog hunches over for sure,

[A]

but the shit still fucking comes out further than what they're recommending I do.

[B]

Yeah, but you have a whole Japan, Huh? When I went to Japan and I got to the. We got to the airport, I had to take a big. And I went into the bathroom.

[A]

Were you in Japan for nationals?

[B]

No, no, it was regionals, okay? Regional Healy healing.

[A]

No way. You're a ringer this whole time.

[B]

That's where I got my. My nickname.

[A]

Flames Sucker.

[B]

These are.

[A]

These are your old fucking. These are all your old fucking skate shoes.

[B]

These are healing. These are the ones I got when I. When I won the championship.

[A]

What if those are the Bobby brand? Those are the Bobby Kelly's of heely's

[B]

sponsored by he Like a basketball player.

[A]

You didn't get the new Bobby Kelly's? Oh, dude, they're great. They're the Bobby Kelly fours.

[B]

Yeah, they. I went into the bathroom and they had just had a hole in the. In the ground and I didn't. I didn't. There was no directions or anything.

[C]

They have the best toilets though.

[B]

They. I went a while ago. They had. They wound up having regular toilets down the end of the stalls.

[A]

Did you lay fly on the ground?

[B]

But I just went into the first one. I had to so bad I actually got fully naked.

[A]

Do you think it was a story hole and you just. The ground put your wings through the ground waiting for someone to suck your dick upwards?

[C]

I. I understand you're getting naked for that because if you're gonna squat, how do you know the shit's not gonna right into your pants?

[B]

I didn't. I couldn't figure it out. So I actually wouldn't either. I took all my clothes off, but I didn't really. I don't know why I took my shirt off. That was a little breathe, dude. That was a little gamey.

[A]

Gotta let situation breathe.

[C]

Did it feel like cool though? Like having a.

[B]

No. I was fat as at the time. It hurt every bone in my body to squat down. Like a squat Like a water buffalo. Yeah. I didn't like it at all.

[A]

Yum.

[B]

I do outside when I go camping though that you. You find a tree, you dig a hole at the bottom of the tree and then you lean up against the tree and kind of slide down. Use the tree as like a little seat. And then you squat down and in the hole. Then you wipe your butt, put the toilet paper in the hole and then you cover the hole with dirt.

[A]

Thanks, Bear Grylls. Why don't you tell me the most basic thing of starting of camping?

[B]

You don't know that you didn't know how to shit in a what I think of shit with the tree.

[A]

The tree part.

[B]

You knew the tree part.

[A]

It's called a lean. You can make a lean to for

[B]

that's not a lean to.

[C]

A lean to.

[A]

We can make the kind where you hang from where you hold onto the thing on the tree.

[B]

No, no, no, of course you can.

[A]

What do you mean where you could like hang like a thing around the tree or you could hold onto while you lean against the tree to take a shit so you don't just have to lean with your butt.

[B]

I don't like when you saw something that made you know half know it.

[A]

It's not knowledgeable. I wouldn't know how to do it or I'd have to look it all up completely again.

[B]

But you can also.

[A]

I know you're supposed to bury your. When you. Out in the woods. I've watched enough cult documentary.

[B]

You don't have to. You don't have to bury it. You don't have to bury it.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Jesus Christ. What are you, Cory Ellis?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Keep spilling your coke.

[A]

It keeps blending in with my remote. With my.

[B]

You don't have to bury it. If you're going to stay there for a couple days, you could leave it open.

[A]

Why would you do that ever?

[B]

Well, you're not going. You go back there and take a.

[A]

You want to be around your duke

[B]

again, you sprinkle a little dirt on it like Parmesan cheese on pasta.

[A]

You're an animal. Why do you want to do this with your family? The apocalypse isn't coming. We're fine.

[B]

I can't. I would never do it. What, take a shit in the woods?

[A]

No, no.

[B]

She made me get a. I wanted to get one of those compost toilets for the tiny house where you have to, like, like, every 30 days, take a bag of shit out and empty it in the woods.

[A]

What the Christ is wrong with you?

[B]

Because it was easier. It came with a compost toilet. And if I get a regular toilet, I have to get a. I have to get a Well. I had to get a septic tank, and that's, like, you know, $30,000. So I had to spend the $30,000 to get a well in a septic tank for this prima donna because she didn't want to.

[A]

She won't. In a bag. All right, princess. My bad.

[B]

I thought we were. I thought we were rough.

[A]

Oh, Don wants to inside. Okay, princess. Geez, I didn't realize I was talking to the Queen of England.

[B]

I was trying to get one of the. The outdoor parties. They have a concert so you can rent. Come and clean it once a week.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So you just put it out by the house, and then you go and piss and in that. And then once a week, they'll come and suck it out.

[A]

You have to wave the guys who suck your out. Hey, guys.

[B]

You have to tip them 100 bucks.

[A]

Hey, here's your Christmas bonus.

[B]

Jay would tip those guys 300 a week.

[A]

100. 100. You guys suck my dukes out. Somehow this is where your life ended. You

[B]

do you ever in one of those and you hear it hit another.

[A]

I can't think if I've ever in a porta pot. I must have it.

[B]

Oh, I have.

[A]

I must have at one point. Point. But I Can't remember I.

[B]

Where I go fly fishing in. Up in New Hampshire. There's a pond I fly fish on.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they have an outhouse up there for the people who hike and stuff. And I took a. Oh, it's so bad. I took a shit in it, and a spider crawled up on my thigh.

[A]

I wouldn't put myself in a position where I'd have to shit in an outhouse. You know what I mean? I just wouldn't be in the position.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I would have found myself in a position where I'd have to use an outhouse. You know what I mean? Car ran out of gas. Desert.

[C]

That's why I would never go to a festival where you have to stay there in a tent like an animal

[B]

and then have to shit in an outhouse.

[C]

Yeah. Where they're not changing it for the whole weekend.

[B]

I've done it. I shit on a bus. A Peter Pan bus. That was terrible.

[A]

Yeah, I bet.

[B]

I actually dropped my friend's. He gave me these glasses. These. Remember the Spencer for Hire glasses?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Remember those? They were in for a minute. He goes, dude, you can borrow those, but you got to give those. They're very expensive. So you give them back when you come back to Boston in a couple weeks. I go, oh, yeah. And I was on the bus, and I was taking a piss, and they just fell off my neck into the toilet.

[A]

And they're like leather sides, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like the leather on the sides.

[B]

No, they're like gold. They look like gold, and they. I don't know if it had leather on the side.

[A]

I thought the whole thing was that they kind of. They come across the sides, too.

[B]

They kind of wrap around. Not Spence, the guy.

[A]

Hawk. Hawk, yeah, Spencer, I know what you meant.

[B]

They fell in. I looked in the. I looked. I was just staring into the blue thing, and then I. I heard the guy go pulling into Penn Station. I just stuck my hand in, and I felt a nugget hit my knuckle.

[A]

Oh, my God, Bobby.

[B]

I was so bad.

[A]

Bobby, you now officially can't have washed your hands enough to have ever touched Jacob. And he now knows you've given him whatever you have.

[B]

It was my left hand, Jacob.

[A]

Don't worry. It was his left hand that he touched his own dookie with.

[B]

It wasn't my dookie. I was just peeing. It was someone else's Duke. And then I called my friend. I go, dude, you don't believe what I did to get these glasses back. He goes, I got those at a Gas station. They weren't even expensive glasses.

[C]

No.

[A]

Hawk was the character on Spencer for Hire.

[B]

Spencer for Hire. I gotta take my leg down. My heelys are heavy.

[A]

Are they?

[B]

Yeah. They're not. They're not.

[C]

Yeah, they're kinda.

[A]

I don't feel heavy. I'm sweating. I'm so afraid to do this. I'm gonna eat shit.

[B]

You know, you gotta stop it. Your words are your magic. Use better words. Repeat after me. Universe.

[A]

Universe.

[B]

I can Healy.

[A]

Can Healy.

[B]

By divine right.

[A]

By divine right.

[B]

In a perfect way.

[A]

In a perfect way.

[B]

Give me the ability to Healy.

[A]

Give me the ability to Healy.

[B]

Like a professional helior.

[A]

Well, come on. That's just. Now, like a good healer, Like a decent.

[B]

I can heal somebody that can. I can Healy.

[A]

Like someone who can heal.

[B]

I can Healy.

[A]

I can heal.

[B]

I can Healy.

[A]

I can heal.

[B]

I can Healy.

[A]

I can Healy.

[B]

I can Healy.

[A]

I can Healy.

[B]

I can Healy.

[A]

Akanelli, put it in my mouth. In my mouth. Akanelli, put it in my mouth. Oh, Jacob, you're just gonna nod. Hold a fucking cigarette for two seconds.

[B]

You know what these days feel like? Everything costs more. Groceries, gas, bills. It all adds up. And we've all felt the pressure of trying to make our money stretch a little further. I'm always going over the budgets and what I can buy and my wife's. You don't need it. We can't get it. It's a real tough thing to actually take care of what you're spending, have a savings. It's just rough out there for everyone. So when the tax refund hits and you're thinking, what's the best way to keep more in your pocket without giving something up? Here's the real life hack for you. Switch to Metro and save with no activation fees. And get one line of 5G for only 25 bucks. Yup. Only 25 bucks. And no contracts that get in the way. The best thing, you can keep the phone you love and keep your number. That's a lot of ands. But that's exactly the point. Get that more for your money feeling only at Metro. Visit your local store on metrobytmobile.com and switch today. $30 first month, $25 after with autopay.

[A]

Guys, you know, running a business is complicated. There's dozens of software programs that you need, and they're all so expensive. And since they come from different companies, they don't always play nice with one another. But what can you do, right? Odoo? That's what Odoo has all the software business owners need. We're talking sales, CRM, manufacturing websites, literally every kind of software and it's all on one platform. So it works together and it's quality software so you're not sacrificing. It's simply a better experience than a hodgepodge of programs you'd expect to pay a premium for it, right? But that's the most amazing part about Odoo. This interconnected suite of business software costs less than the mini mash of disconnected programs you're currently using. So the question is, why spend more on software programs that are less efficient when Odoo's simple software platform can handle everything for a fraction of the price? Discover how Odoo can take your business to the next level by visiting odoo.com that's o d o o.com odoo.com a

[B]

thoughtfully built wardrobe comes down to pieces that mix well and last. That's where quince shines. Premium fabrics considered design and everyday essentials that feel effortless to wear and dependable even as the seasons change. Quince has the everyday essential you'll love with quality that lasts. Lightweight cashmere sweaters, short sleeve Mongolian cashmere polos, linen bottoms and shorts. These are all the versatile pieces that makes a wardrobe actually work season to season. I love it. I just got an awesome jacket. It's casual but dressy. I can wear it to the clubs, on stage. I can wear it out to dinner with my wife if we go somewhere fanc. And you know what? It's wintertime, springtime, summertime. I love quints. I love the sweaters. The cashmere sweater I got is so soft right now. Go to quints.combonfire for free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to wear it and love it. And you will. Now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last. Go to Q U I n c e.com bonfire for free shipping and 365 day quints.com bonfire why do most people want to learn a new language? It's probably not about memorizing grammar tables or topping a leaderboard. It's because we want to speak it out loud in the real world with real people. Babbel gets you there fast. Learning a language with Babel is all about small steps and big wins and progress. You can actually track and feel their bite sized lessons fit easily into your daily routine and are also easy to remember. Just 10 minutes a day is enough to start seeing real results. I use it. I have it on my phone. Anytime I have a free moment when I'm flying or I'm at an airport, I'm just hanging out, waiting for something to go on. I'll throw on my Babel. And it has helped me so much just to say hello and hi and have conversations with people. I'm going back to Cuba with my son. I'm going back to Costa Rica. It made it so much easier that I was using Babel every day so I could get things done and feel more comfortable speaking the language of Spanish. Here is a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now. Get up to 60 off your Babel subscription at babel.com forward/bonfire. Get up to 60 off at babel.com forward slash bonfire. Spell B, A, B, B, E L.com forward slash bonfire. Rules and restrictions may apply. You missed.

[A]

Oh, Cigarette's still there. Things indestructible.

[B]

I think you got this, dude. You just got to change your. Man, your. The way you're thinking, you're thinking. You can't do something. You got to think. You got it. You're a healer. You've done it before. Vision yourself. Close your eyes. Now see yourself healing. You see it down the street.

[A]

Well, I'm in the elevator bank.

[B]

You're in the elevator bank. And you go from one side to the other, one side to the other. And then you go back.

[A]

I'm up. I stay up the whole time.

[B]

Stay up the whole time. And then. And then you go back to the doors.

[A]

Bobby.

[B]

Yes, I see it. You see it. You're there.

[A]

Wait a second.

[B]

What?

[A]

I smashed into the door.

[B]

No, you didn't.

[A]

Oh, my God. DJ who? Kid gorilla nems. And a Wu Tang Clan of blacks is there. We're all pointing and laughing. Oh, that lady from the black station's laughing at me with Erykah Badu hat. Oh, the politics guys laugh. They're all laughing at me, Jay. They're all laughing at me.

[B]

J, J, J, snap on. You know what?

[A]

What?

[B]

Put this cigarette in your mouth.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, you didn't hit the cigarette.

[B]

Sorry, dude. I missed.

[A]

I keep telling people it's not easy to hit a cigarette.

[B]

It's not. It's not right. Especially on heelys.

[A]

It's tough on heely.

[B]

It's tough to throw those kicks.

[A]

It's not easy at all. I know. Usually I have better. Usually a better aim.

[B]

But you dress like you Healy.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

You look like a helior.

[A]

I came in today believing that I would have already healed by now. And figured out how to really make all entrances by way of Healy. Yes.

[C]

You had a lot of confidence when you ordered.

[B]

We gotta get on slipperier surface.

[A]

Oh, God.

[C]

That's what you need.

[B]

We need no friction.

[A]

Christine's already counting her sports arena collectible cups. We could really. Let's call Gil on this. I bet he says give it a whirl. It's supposed to be a whirlwind for that guy.

[B]

Yeah, we could really get hurt on these. Why are you shaking your head? Have you seen people get hurt? Do you have a Healy story we need to hear?

[A]

No. You guys are just older. What?

[B]

Fucking Jay, take care of this. Take care of this.

[A]

What does it mean? We're just older, so we're gonna get hurt.

[B]

Insult them on microphone. Oh, you're just. I don't know if you guys have the leg coordination and strength to be

[A]

able to hold yourselves up. Oh, really? Do you have the coordination to catch the cigarette? Hey, Paco, catch this king asshole.

[B]

He really stinks. Really. Just knows how to hurt somebody deep.

[A]

Pick yourself up. He looks like a goddamn fool now.

[B]

He just did a kip up.

[A]

I did kind of hit the cigarette, though. And that one I did a little bit hit cigarette.

[B]

Can you heal it?

[A]

You just. You think you just can't, but you think you just could.

[B]

You think you can't. I think I can do. No, I don't. I don't believe whatever this horseshit is you. This tone you have.

[A]

I don't believe it either.

[B]

I don't believe it at all. Why don't you try my Heelys on? Because they'll fit you. I'll try them. Okay.

[A]

What size are you?

[B]

I'm a ten. And what are you? I'm nine and a half. You got a little small ding ding. He's got a little small ding ding.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Dick.

[B]

Little Asian dude.

[C]

Can I.

[B]

He had his shoes off, by the way. Shoes off. Ready to go. He's been. He's been wanting this moment since we put him on.

[A]

Man, you really do make him open your eyes. Work for it. I don't. I don't know why I'm uncomfortable when Paco serves Bobby like this. I'm not.

[B]

Just the way it should be.

[A]

You're taking his shoes off for him?

[B]

I'm taking him to Comics Roadhouse. Wait to see what he does up there.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Full body rub.

[A]

Yeah. Well, after the Friday show. Isn't there a mail review? Always.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's me and Paco on stage.

[A]

Paco, you should jump on that mail

[C]

review, can I announce a personal achievement?

[A]

Yeah, just smile for a whole hour.

[B]

You got the beer out of your backpack?

[C]

I haven't made it to that part yet.

[B]

Did it get on everything?

[C]

Neither of those. Everywhere.

[A]

Your flute playing finally worked. And the rats are gone.

[C]

It went inside. It went inside the wheel of the mouse that I had bought on my own that I really love. It's kind of sticky now. Like, the mouse doesn't. It doesn't wheel properly. Properly. It went everywhere.

[B]

Pete didn't get it. Pete's like, what's he doing on his knees? He's like, oh, what?

[A]

Getting a Belgian. A Belgian artisan ale.

[C]

It was wheat beer, which made it worse.

[A]

Oh, it's so hoppy. It's pure. It's like barley juice just fell into your bag, buddy.

[B]

I saw it just pouring into his backpack.

[C]

It was miserable.

[B]

Please let him. Oh, he can heal the carpet.

[A]

Well, here. It's the carpet for Paco. It's the carpet.

[B]

It's the. It's the Asian blood in him. He just healing. He's healing.

[A]

In a bicycle made for two.

[B]

He's just healing all over the studio, showing us he could do anything. Oh, God. He just did double peace signs. Healing.

[A]

Paco, go climb the building like the guy on Netflix. No help, no straps.

[B]

Paco, go to the. Go to the lobby and Healy and the slippery pot. See if you can do it on the slippery part.

[A]

Yeah, you'll take him out there Black load.

[B]

Take him out there Black blue and see if he can do it.

[A]

Should Jacob go to. That's a lot of ethnic alone.

[B]

He smashes through that window.

[A]

It's a lot of ethnic alone out there. Should we send a Jacob or something, too?

[C]

I wanted to tell you my personal achievement.

[B]

Oh, sorry.

[A]

I thought we nailed it with what we said.

[C]

No, I completed Jeff Cavalier's seven exercises that a Man should be able to do.

[A]

I don't know what that means.

[C]

Yeah, well, it's not just the exercises. How many you can do?

[B]

Okay, go ahead. What it is?

[C]

Is it why you're already trashing it? I'm not trashing a personal accomplishment.

[A]

It's a comedy show.

[C]

You want me to feel.

[B]

Thanks, J.

[C]

But you want me to smile. That's the complaint.

[A]

Oh, well, you're supposed to smile at the jokes we make about your stupid accomplishment.

[C]

Yeah, I do.

[B]

Well, because I'll tell you why. Because you're looking at us like I know it's in your brain.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, they're fat. That reminds me.

[B]

Yeah, that's what it is.

[A]

Jay's shirt's too tight. That's what I've been thinking all day. Jay's shirt's too tight?

[B]

Yeah, Bob.

[A]

You think my shirt's too tight, Lou?

[C]

No, it was. I like it. Paco. That said that you guys are old and I'm feeling like I'm your. I'm your age.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So I prove him wrong.

[B]

Yeah, but you're smirking at us like you know we can't do your little accomplishment.

[C]

It's a bit of that.

[B]

You're saying. Yeah, exactly.

[C]

But you don't want to know what my accomplishment.

[A]

Slow down, slow down.

[B]

Sorry, Jay.

[A]

Who's my age?

[C]

Bobby. And you're almost there.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

How old are you?

[A]

48.

[B]

How old are you?

[C]

Doesn't matter. How old are you? Age is whatever you feel.

[A]

How old are you? He's in his late 50s.

[B]

Is he your late 50s? 50s?

[C]

No, no.

[A]

Oh, early 50s.

[B]

You're my age. Yes, if you're 55.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. What's wrong with that?

[A]

Bobby's not 55, though.

[B]

I'm 55.

[A]

That's what I said.

[B]

Oh, pull up. I'm not.

[A]

I know.

[B]

What the.

[A]

I thought you were 53 or 54.

[B]

I'm 52.

[A]

I thought you were 50.

[B]

I said 55 just so he'd say 50.

[A]

That's what I wanted to say. That's what I thought you were doing.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Bobby's 52. You're 55.

[C]

I am.

[B]

I'm 50. What are you.

[A]

He did it unbelievably hard, huh?

[B]

No, he didn't let me see him. Did he? Wow, they look so fun.

[A]

He's riding around on his.

[C]

He

[B]

Godzilla.

[A]

It's easy to have your balance when you have a tiny Asian penis. Sorry, Paco. Our dicks must be knocking off my balance.

[B]

Yeah, it's our big helmets. It's our fat guy nuts.

[A]

Probably my big fat American. Probably my round eye bulbous that's dragging me to one side or the other.

[B]

You're a tiny little mushroom. Asian uncircumcised pecker.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Steers you better.

[A]

So, I mean, congratulations. You can heal you. But you're weiner, remember?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. But girls can do it, too, because they have vaginas like you. Really bothers me.

[A]

Complete jealousy, you little dick helion. In the. He doing everything I wanted to do. He did exactly what he knows. I want to give double peace signs when I go through. He knew double peace signs going to be my.

[B]

That goes with your guy camo Man Camo. Because you give the peace signs, right? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to have a lighter on both hands.

[A]

Do you should have fucking bottle rockets? You should have Roman candles just coming behind. Hold them behind you. Just propel you forward. I would do that. I would hold Roman candles to propel me forward while I kept shoulder length apart.

[B]

Is it Roman? Don't Roman candles just go?

[A]

Yeah, but it'll propel us on our heels if we keep our heels. And then I don't have to go one foot in front of the other, which seems like a ridiculous thing. And I've known it's always the thing, but now that I've tried it, it seems like a ridiculous way to do it.

[B]

Paco has fireworks on him all the time, right?

[A]

Well, I know when he's not here, he's always working at his illegal fireworks for his uncle. Yeah, Route 66. It's a pretty staple attraction at this point when you're making yourself Western way.

[B]

All right, Jacob, what are your seven things?

[A]

Oh, yeah, According.

[C]

This is according to the fitness God, Jeff.

[B]

Kevin, can we guess what they are on?

[A]

Paco and Black lure out of the room. Jacob is accomplished doing the seven exercises that a man should be able to do by Jeff Cavalieri.

[C]

Jeff's cavalier.

[A]

Jeff Cavalier, the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers.

[B]

Can we guess what they're gonna be?

[C]

Sure.

[B]

I say push ups is one.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Pull ups.

[C]

He calls them hands free push up.

[A]

That's called the worm.

[C]

When you go all the way down to the ground, you have to hand release push ups.

[A]

Oh, I bet is what he calls it.

[C]

What do you release push ups.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I laughed at that name.

[A]

Oh, I didn't realize. These are partner workouts. Go on.

[C]

You have to do at least four. You have to do 40 of those to be a man.

[A]

Then you achieve hand release.

[C]

You achieve hand release.

[A]

Okay, well, this is a reward at the end. I could probably do all of these

[C]

15 pull ups, which I. 15 pull ups, which I finally broke today.

[A]

Hand release.

[C]

No hand release.

[B]

Okay, 15 pull ups is tough.

[C]

15 pull ups straight.

[A]

So at this point, you're blue balling. What's next?

[C]

None of those kip up? No, you got to do all the way down pull ups, not pull ups.

[B]

Why are you looking at me when you say that?

[A]

Because you do pull ups.

[B]

What the. I don't even do pull ups.

[A]

I can't do any pull. I can't do one. If I could do a pull up, I would cry in front of people. I would get. I would fall in the ball and cry in front of people. And then there's a chance I eat a gun that night because I'm just like, that was it, dude.

[B]

Probably a better chance you have some

[A]

stromboli and then eat a gun after it.

[C]

Anyway, next one.

[B]

I bought a pull up. I bought a pull up bar for my gym, and I. I put it

[A]

up just to make your doorway less high.

[B]

I couldn't do one pull up. I just took it down. It's on the floor.

[C]

No, you dead. Hang for two minutes, which is tough.

[B]

I could do that.

[C]

Took me a while.

[B]

I did that at the Jersey shore this year. 100 bucks.

[C]

No way.

[B]

I did three minutes.

[A]

You did three minutes.

[B]

Jay was there three minutes.

[C]

That's very impressive.

[A]

I stopped watching. I also started, like, 10 seconds late.

[C]

Yeah, my arms were screaming.

[A]

Not Bobby.

[B]

What were they screaming? I'm gay.

[A]

What were they screaming? Get me off this thing. Get some in here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, dude. I'm supposed to be used for release.

[C]

It's a side plank, I guess. Christine. Side plank. But your leg is up. I don't know why that fitness model leg is not.

[A]

You have to do it staring at this guy. How long?

[B]

How long?

[C]

30 seconds.

[B]

I could do that right now.

[A]

I can do that right now.

[B]

I can do it right now. No problem.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Side plate. Put the leg up.

[A]

Can't do it. It's not audio.

[B]

Yeah, dude, you always yelled us.

[C]

Neither was the kip up.

[B]

Yeah, you have to do a kip up.

[C]

No, I'm sorry. The wheelie, the healy.

[A]

But it worked. Yeah, we talked through it.

[B]

Yeah, we talked through it. How'd you explain what he did?

[C]

Jay can talk while you do it.

[A]

Describe, I guess he's good. I could talk while you do the entire workout. He said thing.

[B]

I can't do the pull ups when I have a pull up bar.

[C]

That's true.

[A]

All right, but without the pull ups. We'll say, you know, dude, what you can do. Listen, I know we're live right now. Play a song or something, Lou. Okay. Are we off air? You can go below the table and for the cameras. And then just keep popping your head up like this and your chin and it'll look like you're doing chin up. So you know what I'm saying?

[B]

Yeah. How many are gonna do 15. I could do 15 of those.

[A]

All right, we'll come back live now. Okay, everybody. Hey. That was the Olympic theme by the Olympics people. You listen to the bonfire faction talk. SiriusXM103. Bobby's getting ready to crank out these pull ups. Here and. Okay, Bobby, you know what? All the way down, dead hang. All the way down to a dead hang. Okay, he's gone. Oh, oh. Headphones falling off. He's unshaken. He's un. He's moving. He's got. He's cranking. Four, five, six. Oh, he did a no hands one. He did a hands free one. No one thought he could do it.

[C]

Looks like a.

[A]

He's catching himself complete. Bobby, that one was in full extension. One more full extension. Drop it out. You did it, dude. Okay, next.

[C]

Single leg, wall sit.

[A]

No problem. Single leg wall sit. Bobby's.

[C]

No, not Fonzie.

[A]

You're doing great. Okay, how long do you have to do it for? How long? For how long for Jacob? I'm clocking them. 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. I think 35 is the world record. 23, 24, 25, 26. Bobby, come on. 28, 29, 30. You tied. 31. 32, 33, 34. Two more. 36. Okay, next.

[C]

The best one is fun. I want is the old man test 69.

[A]

Flying 69.

[C]

The old man test flying 69.

[A]

Yeah. So he has to make Paco finish while he's holding him up in the air. In his mouth.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Upside down, flying 69. Okay, here we go. Bobby. Bobby, I know this is your last event, and that's why I need you to dig deep. Dig deeper than you've ever dug before. Okay? You've got this. So good. Get in there. Get his little tiny cock in your mouth. Film it from the waist up. Black loose, so it looks like Paco's in the air, his face fucking him. How long, Jacob? How long? He's at 25 seconds. 36, 27, 28, 29, 30. Go for the record. 31. 32, 32 seconds of flying. So. Jesus Christ. Christ. Are you full? Don't worry, you'll burp in a little bit and you'll be hungry again. Oh, Chinese wiener joke. That's right.

[B]

Don't forget your chopsticks.

[A]

Snoop Dogg's doing the Olympics now, so I can say whatever I want.

[C]

The next one, the old Mantis, the Bobby.

[A]

That was chow fun.

[B]

Thank you, Paco.

[A]

All right, what's next?

[C]

The Old man because. Because it's not about strength. It's more about your balance.

[A]

Oh, is that how long you'd hold the N on the N word? You said it's the old man test. I hold it pretty long, dude. One time I held it for an entire emptying out of an airplane. One time I held it for an Entire deplaning.

[B]

I've been holding it in since I started doing this show.

[A]

You thought you had tinnitus, but it's just the low hum of an N. A sustained N. Oh, God, my heelys keep coming off my seat.

[B]

What is the old man test? What is that?

[C]

That one is you take your socks and sneakers off and you have to balance.

[A]

You chase black blue off your lawn. I'll keep thinking of funny ones.

[C]

You have to balance on one foot. Foot. And put your socks. Your socks on and your sneaker and tie your sneaker on. Balancing on one foot. No problem. And then put that foot down and then do the other one.

[B]

That's how I put my shoes on every day.

[A]

It's easy. Easy.

[B]

I do that every day. That's why. That's how I put my shoes.

[A]

It's incredibly easy when you show us balance. I have crazy balance.

[B]

Let's see.

[C]

I'd like to see the old man test then.

[A]

Well, not for healing, because of my big, fat, enormous, bulbous. Yeah, but I think for the shoe thing. For sure.

[B]

I'd like to see it. Let's see it, Jay. Let's see you do it.

[A]

And it's not leaning against the wall.

[C]

No, no, no. You have to stand on one leg.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You got this.

[C]

And then pick your socks off the floor.

[B]

You did this.

[C]

Put them on. And then pick your sneaker off the floor, put it on and tie it. And then switch feet and do that.

[B]

And what did you get at the end of this?

[C]

Nothing. I was all alone.

[B]

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. Why does that. How do I want to. Ha.

[C]

That's why I came in to share it with somebody.

[B]

It's the saddest thing. There wasn't even an applause.

[C]

Nobody knew.

[A]

Do you think he still turns around to tell somebody and realizes every time there's no one there? You think he finished? He goes, 15 chin ups. Can you. Oh, I think he has a plate of meat. Turkey, meatloaf.

[B]

I think he has a mirror in his house with somebody painting on it where his face just goes in and it's another outfit. And he talks to that person.

[A]

Why don't you let a neighborhood catch.

[C]

I can't do that.

[A]

Oh, you're not allowed in your building.

[C]

I don't like cats.

[B]

Oh, you don't like cats?

[C]

We've discussed. I'm allergic.

[B]

You don't like. You don't like a nice blue moon beer in your bag and you like cats.

[A]

Maybe pigeons like Mike Tyson. Maybe you could fly pigeons on your Roof. Have you thought about flying pigeons?

[B]

I got one for you. Ants get an ant farm.

[A]

Ant farm. Yeah. Have you thought about conducting a flea circus? We'll get you a little styrofoam hat.

[C]

It seems like diminish my. My accomplishment today.

[A]

We didn't want to diminish your accomplishment. I just want you to be able to share with someone. Wouldn't it be great to turn around and be like, hey, Blinky, Pinky, Stinky and Winky. All of my aunts.

[B]

You can hear them talking back.

[A]

I know you guys would be proud of me.

[C]

Me, Normally, I wouldn't say I'm sharing it with the whole nation now.

[A]

Absolutely.

[C]

Isn't that.

[A]

I'm telling you, people are gonna be way more stoked when you get that flea circus going. Oh, hello, everybody. Come one, come all and see the amazing fleas as they leap and fly. One gets cut in half, two die. One goes on a dog. None of them listen speak for the crowd.

[C]

Fleas.

[A]

That's right. That's right. It is going to be a good show. This is a good crowd.

[C]

Fleas.

[B]

Jacob's a flea. It's well good for you, dude. It's very.

[A]

Wait, there's still more exercises.

[B]

There's more exercises.

[C]

There's one more, but it's fine.

[B]

What's the last. I want to hear it.

[C]

Well, the last one is.

[B]

They didn't make the. The goofiest one. The last one where you have to stand and tie your shoe and put yourself. That's not the last one.

[C]

That's the second to last. You don't have to do it in order.

[B]

No, that should be the last one. Then you just walk up to the mirror and go, jacob, thumbs up, kid.

[C]

The last one kind of looked like. You look like a jerk off, Jacob, because you're facing the wall.

[A]

Wall splat. I take it down to ass to floor. I take wall splat down. Ass to floor.

[C]

Let's see it, big shot.

[B]

What is wall splat? Explain what wall splat is. Before you do it, raise your hand

[C]

as close to the wall as possible and then do a squat.

[A]

Legs got to go out to the side.

[C]

I'm trying to remember Jeff Cavalier. Does it raise it? I got to look at it.

[B]

He's got to go to the side. You can't go.

[A]

Wall splat test.

[B]

Wall splat.

[A]

I thought this mean you see how far from staying away from the wall your come would still hit the wall without hitting the floor first. That's what I call the wall splat test. I guess we Grew up in different neighborhoods.

[B]

Oh, he's going to do his wall splat. You do. He does his wall splat and you do your wall splat on him while he does. Does it.

[A]

The. Was that Jacob?

[C]

Literally squat.

[A]

You can't do it right now.

[C]

No, I mean, I. I said it takes a while. I failed. I fell over a bunch of times.

[B]

Yeah, you really want to be a man? Have. Have Paco behind you when you do that.

[A]

Here we go.

[B]

Oh, you can't do it.

[C]

I'm wearing boots.

[A]

No, his knees are touching the wall. This guy's knee. Is this Jeff Cavalieri?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

His knees are touching the wall, Jacob. They, like, brush the wall, what Bobby's doing.

[B]

I did a wall sp. Splat.

[A]

You were shaking it tremendously.

[B]

Was that a wall splat?

[A]

Am I crazy? Can I not do this? Are these pants take. Oh, I'm on heelys.

[B]

Jay forgot he was on hes. He tried to do a wall splat on heelys. That would have been a real wall splat. You gotta take your heelys off.

[A]

That was scary shooting.

[B]

All right, Jay is walking up to the wall, facing the wall.

[A]

I don't know if these jeans have enough give.

[B]

We should take that chain off too. No, Maybe attach it to the walls like a. Like a safety precaution.

[A]

Everything.

[B]

All right, Jay's facing the wall. His feet are as close to the wall as possible. Right, now put your hands up like this. And now squat all the way down. All the way. Then go up pretty far down now. Oh, Jay just fell. Jay just fucking fell on his fucking jaw, Jay. That's what happens. No heelys. No heelys. Get that on video, Lou.

[A]

I'm so happy that's on fucking camera. That's so great. It's on camera. I came up too fast.

[B]

You do. You just disappeared out of the shot. Don't do it again. Don't do it again. Your legs have to be a little closer together. Closer together. Yep, there you go. Right there. Now squat all the way down. And now put it in your mouth.

[C]

Pretty good.

[B]

That was pretty good.

[A]

Man, oh, man. I hope on this one you just see me vanish.

[B]

Oh, we do. Yeah, you do. Dude, I've never seen you fall like that in my life.

[A]

How would you have?

[B]

You just. You wiped out. But the funny part, you see the chairs just spread apart. You tried to grab onto everything in the studio.

[A]

I just landed on Paco's feet.

[C]

That was good.

[B]

That was pretty good. Yeah, this is.

[A]

I know I can do it, but I was the only one who ate Shit, doing.

[C]

It's a whole balance thing, man.

[B]

Yeah, listen, we're healers, which is a different set of muscles, you know what I'm saying?

[A]

I have pretty decent balance. I can do the thing. Sometimes when you like sit cross legged, just like in the air, I think you can do that. Sit your ass down and what is it like? Put your foot on your knee and kind of bend down. Down.

[B]

You can do that.

[C]

I feel you could do the old man test. Because that looked him like. You could do the old man pull ups. What's that? No, the old man test is. Is balancing on your leg.

[B]

Yeah, I can do that.

[C]

It's just putting your socks and sneakers on.

[A]

Prove it, jerk.

[B]

I could do that. I'm gonna do it on heelys.

[A]

Oh, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was eight on heel. He's not eight in socks.

[B]

Well, congratulations, Jacob.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

That's all you wanted.

[C]

I wanted Jacob wanted. If somebody who knows Jeff Cavalier heard this, maybe you can, you know what? For it to get the Jeff Cavaliere, would you think somebody's gonna to know that?

[B]

Dm?

[A]

Oh, God, this is sad.

[B]

This is the saddest thing.

[A]

You want the guy to know. Not even chicks.

[C]

I want them too.

[B]

But you want him first you gotta really check on what's going on.

[A]

Well, Bobby.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Lost a spike in the fall.

[B]

You lost another spike?

[A]

Another spike came off in the fall. I thought I ordered a whole bunch of spikes. What happened? They're there. Don't worry about it.

[B]

Then you got extra spikes.

[A]

New spikes tonight. Don't worry about this. This is garbage.

[B]

You heard the ting in the barrel.

[A]

Now I'm sweating. You just ate shit so hard. I laughed. Oh, did I laugh?

[C]

That was great.

[A]

I'm like. And you just gotta get up like that. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

[C]

You got it on the second time.

[B]

So funny though. Jay fell and nobody. Christine, you. Nobody got up to.

[A]

You shouldn't. Nobody should have.

[B]

We just sat here and laughed.

[A]

You should have let me be there. You should have stepped over me.

[B]

Christine got up just to check to see if he was still alive.

[A]

She wanted to make sure he's fine.

[B]

I heard her go, shit. She was like, oh, my God.

[A]

She was like, oh, my God. Can I get rid of all that Philly memorabilia shit?

[C]

Anyway, Jacob represents the bonfire fire in the well.

[A]

Bobby also nailed everything, man. Test Bobby did every single thing.

[B]

I did everything. You did everything.

[A]

And I pulled up the balance.

[B]

Yeah, I did 30. How many pull ups did I do?

[A]

36. 36 pull ups.

[B]

36 pull ups, dude.

[A]

No, no, no, we told you 15. You had to do 15. Oh, 15 you did. 32 sucks of air. 69 flying 69 pockets flying 69 podcast, which you said is part of the man test, which seemed weird when you said it because it doesn't seem very masculine, but it's pretty impressive to hold a guy up with his cock in your mouth. That's like high up.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And the smell.

[A]

And let's not forget the smell. Paco eats a lot of kimchees and spiced weeds, you know what I mean?

[B]

He's always walking around with those hot snow pants, just steaming everything up like a dumpling.

[A]

Everything smells like it's steamed down there. Steamed balls.

[B]

Yeah, he's got soup dumplings for nuts right now. Now don't forget that, Everybody. Come on, Jacob.

[C]

I know. Soy sauce, Paco.

[A]

Not Paco, just Paco now.

[C]

Paco.

[B]

Go, Paco.

[A]

We were laughing. I was complaining about my house today on Legion of Skanks. And I was like, we were talking about, like, I don't know what these fucking people when they move out of a house. Like Lewis's house was flipped. So I understand that a little bit more, but these people lived here and just did the weirdest things that they didn't give a about.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I was thought, I go, well, you should have saw that right away. Like after I bought the house, going there and being like, I really love this gray brick wall in the room. And I'm like, oh, that's wallpaper. And then went downstairs and I go, I want to do the rest of the walls in this basement. Like this exposed wood treated beautiful wood over here. I want to touch it, feel the grain on it. But that's a sticker also. They're both stickers. And we started laughing on the show. So stoned. And we were laughing. I was like, everything, once I moved in, everything was like. I go, well, at least we have this bedroom. It's all like Wile E. Coyote things. I go, well, at least this. Wait. This bedroom's been a sticker the whole time. It's the sticker of a bedroom opening.

[B]

Jay moved into a fucking TV set.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah, I have one. I have a one bedroom apartment there with a bunch of stickers that make me think it's a house.

[B]

Yeah, they shot all the family at Jay's house.

[A]

One wall is just for a studio audience. Jacob, he wants to masturbate me now. Because we completed the man test, he knows we deserve a release. Hand release. What's that two potato mike in? Oh, Bobby's mic wasn't plugged in. Plugged in. Bobby, do me a favor while you're plugging it in real quick, can you hold this cigarette for me real quick? Just pop. You know what? You. You're doing something. Just hold it here in your mouth real quick for a second. K. That's straight. Yeah, right.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

There it is.

[B]

Appreciate that. Thank you so much.

[A]

Dude, Bobby Kelly this weekend, he's going to be in Batavia, Illinois, Friday and say you're leaving Friday.

[B]

Friday morning.

[A]

Yeah, me too.

[B]

Friday morning. What?

[A]

Yeah, I think I'm LaGuardia too.

[B]

Delta. So yeah, let's meet up and let's do lounge life together.

[A]

Let's look on the break and see what time we're. If we're both going same time. Yeah, I'm going to be where? San Antonio. That's right. After that, Bobby's going to be at Comics Roadhouse with Paco healing onto the stage. Cleveland, Ohio, Long island on deck. After that, for tickets and all of his tour dates go to punch up that live Robert Kelly, of course, his YouTube page at Robert Kelly Comedy. And every Tuesday night he headlines the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge, the Comedy Cell or 7pm Set your fucking watch.

[B]

Button it, Big J. This weekend, San Antonio. And where are you going after that? You're going to San Francisco, San Francisco, great city, Jacksonville, Madison. And then all the tickets and tour dates go to bigjcomedy.com and for his videos and his live shows and his Specials go to YouTube.com Big J. Okerson.

[A]

Tomorrow night I'm gonna do a live stream.

[B]

Tomorrow night. Tomorrow night I might sign in just as an assumed characters. If you see flames in there.

[A]

Ooh, camo coming in, coming in hot. We'll be right back, everybody. It's the Bonfire. Bob Evans. Creamy Mac and cheese and buttery mashed potatoes are made for the moments you can't plan, like last minute school costumes, glitter explosions, or when little Liam brings three friends for dinner. No plan, no problem. Say hello to plan B O B from Bob Evans. Because when you bring out the Bob, you can take comfort in knowing you'll always have something delicious on the table, no matter what the day brings. When you need comfort, bring out the Bob. Available now in your refrigerated section.

[B]

Hey, what's going on? I'm Robert Kelly.

[A]

And I'm Big J. Okerson. Do you want to listen to episodes of the Bonfire ad free and a whole week early?

[B]

Well, the Bonfire is a member of Sirius XM's podcast.

[A]

Plus if you get a SiriusXM podcast plus subscription. It opens you up to all kinds of benefits on so many SiriusXM shows and podcasts. Yeah.

[B]

So what are you waiting for?

[A]

Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcast plus right now or visit siriusxm.com podcastplus right now.