
Tim Dillon returns to promote his Netflix special "I'm Your Mother." He gets Kevin Spacey to act with him in the trailer for the special. Tim teaches the group about the "Jesus nut" which is the main thing holding a helicopter together. A lawyer calls in to shed light on whether you can shot a home intruder in the state of New York. They talk about dangerous waterpark rides because Bobby got injured at Action Park. Tim and Jay were in a play called "Ha! The Musical" and they reminisce about their friend Michelle who wrote and directed it. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf
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Big J Okerson
It's starting to sound like spring, but.
Robert Kelly
It'S not official till you've lit up.
Tim Dillon
The grill with Kingsford Original Charcoal. This time of year, as we break in the backyard with friends and family, everything tastes better cooked with authentic wood fired barbecue flavor.
Big J Okerson
Thanks to Kingsford.
Robert Kelly
Welcome spring.
Tim Dillon
Visit kingsford.com for charcoal and more from America's grilling expert.
Big J Okerson
If you work in quality control at a candy factory, you know strict safety regulations come with the job. It's why you partner with Grainger. Grainger helps you find the high quality and compliant products your business needs to inspect, detect, and help correct issues. And the sweetest part is everyone gets a product that's as safe to eat as it is delicious. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done. And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.
Robert Kelly
First positions, everybody. Look alive.
Tim Dillon
Yeah, everything.
Robert Kelly
Dylan's coming in practice the smile, Jacob. Smile, Jacob, smile.
Tim Dillon
No, no, smile.
Robert Kelly
Don't be a freak.
Tim Dillon
What's up? Right there. Right.
Robert Kelly
Timothy. What's up, handsome?
Tim Dillon
Hi, Timmy. What's going on, dude?
Big J Okerson
Thank you so much for having me.
Tim Dillon
You know Jacob, right?
Big J Okerson
I do. What's up, brother?
Tim Dillon
How are you?
Robert Kelly
We just had a whole Jamiro Kawai dance off.
Big J Okerson
I've got makeup on. I was just on one of the, like, you know, the new news Networks. It's like QAnon where they bring you on and they're like, now they go, you just released a new comedy special and woke losers hate it. I'm like.
Robert Kelly
Like, it's kind of for a day.
Big J Okerson
It's kind of about my mother and stuff. They're like, is Cancel Culture canceled? I'm like, what's. Is that a question? What do we. Yeah, so, you know, doing, doing the, doing the run of fun.
Robert Kelly
It was a, it was a Shane quote when I think was happening with, with the SNL stuff.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
When he said, you know, because people are like, that are so behind him are, are so like militant about something that you have no interest in being a part of anyway. You know, I mean, he's like, I didn't become a comedian, like rage against like, you know, a rage for the First Amendment or be some martyr for the first. Because. Yeah, I just kind of wanted. People laugh at like dick jokes and shit.
Tim Dillon
You have to get a thigh. You have to get a thigh flag tattoo.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, well, it's just also funny.
Tim Dillon
They're like.
Big J Okerson
Because, like, I don't know, it just, it feels like they're like. They're like, you're saying things, and you're allowed to. I'm like, everyone's always been allowed. Like, people would get mad, but you've always been. Everyone's okay.
Tim Dillon
I think it's more actors with the ones like that can't say it. Comics can say whatever the we want.
Big J Okerson
They're like, why can you make these jokes now? I'm like, what? I'm like, you can kind of do it.
Robert Kelly
It's also why now? It's like, well, no, we kind of always did. And then there was a while where everyone was pissed at it for a second, and now it's fine, but nothing really changed.
Big J Okerson
And they're like, we'll do this. I'll be like, all right, and where's your special? I go, netflix. And they go, okay. And just one more thing. What causes autism, do you think?
Tim Dillon
Well, it's.
Big J Okerson
It's actually, you know, you had dinner with rfk. What do you think causes autism? I go, I don't know.
Robert Kelly
When you have dinner with an. Do you have vaccines? Is the conversation anything besides, like, political shit?
Big J Okerson
No. I'm always just trying to tell him something healthy I ate. And then he tells me why it's not healthy. Like, I go, I'm eating oatmeal now. And he goes, is it instant? And I go, yeah. And he goes, there's glio phosphate in it. I go, all right, well, is there.
Tim Dillon
Any point where you're like, God, I'm so taxing listening to you. I'd rather listen to Colin Quinn give a monologue.
Big J Okerson
I'm just always trying to prove that I'm. That I did the right thing. But it's. There's nothing healthy, you know, unless you kill the animal yourself and strip it.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
Do you have to live a Rogan lifestyle to be healthy?
Tim Dillon
You have to have a bow and arrow and a big backyard.
Robert Kelly
Yeah. It's also unhealthy if you shoot it with buckshot. It's gotta be the arrow. The clean kill with the arrow.
Big J Okerson
Was it a clean kill?
Tim Dillon
Such a great expression.
Robert Kelly
If you hit the liver, it poisons the meat.
Tim Dillon
What happened to his voice? What the fuck happened? Why are the Kevis. Why are they jinxed?
Big J Okerson
Dude, they're wild. They're just their adrenaline junkies, and they like going doing wild. So that's why a lot of them die. Like, I think one of them died playing football while skiing down a mountain. Like, throwing football. Like it's a game, and they still play it even though one of them checked out. Playing it. They still do it.
Tim Dillon
What the are you talking about?
Big J Okerson
They're just.
Robert Kelly
JFK Jr. Right? Wasn't that. He's a guy doing some stupid sport.
Big J Okerson
Well, he flew. He flew.
Tim Dillon
He flew in the rain.
Robert Kelly
Who was the one? There was one that was doing that. It was playing some dumb sport.
Big J Okerson
I think that's the one I was talking about, like on skis, playing football.
Robert Kelly
Say which one? Which was it? I don't know, but a ridiculous. All right, you wingsuit through a dragon, right?
Big J Okerson
They sail like the kids. Like I met his kids and stuff. They just like sail around the world and stuff. Like. Like them and their friend will, like, sail across the ocean. It's just they have that adventure spirit.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
You like that stuff, though?
Big J Okerson
What?
Tim Dillon
No, he does.
Big J Okerson
What are you talking across.
Robert Kelly
Did you have a stroke?
Tim Dillon
Yeah. You mean ordering a new appetizer? He's never had his most adventurous.
Big J Okerson
Trying a restaurant, I don't know is good. Adventurous.
Robert Kelly
Adventurous is the wrong thing. I meant more. Adventure is the wrong word. I meant more like that. You like a nice rich people sauce. Rich people sauce?
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
Yeah. A very proper. I think the concept of a white party I think you find exciting.
Big J Okerson
Yeah. But there, I think it's super. They're born mega rich and then they die. It's like, dude, what are you doing? You're not supposed to take these chances. Let people without anything to lose take. You've got a great life. You're going to get pussy thrown at you and you're loaded and you're going to die on a. Literally skiing with a football.
Tim Dillon
Yeah. Like, why was. Why was JFK K junior Flying a Cessna? It's when you can afford to just have somebody fly you on a G5.
Big J Okerson
Just take the plane.
Tim Dillon
Take the plane and the pilot. You dumb. Dumb.
Robert Kelly
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
Why'd you have to learn stupid?
Robert Kelly
This what we're. This is what we're all going to say when Bill Burr's propeller flies off into the sky. He goes careening into the Hudson.
Tim Dillon
Yeah, I know.
Robert Kelly
It's crazy. All those numbers. When you see. We looked at those recently, remember? About how many plane crashes there are a year and like, whatever. Many hundreds there are. Like, most of them are a guy who was like, I'm gonna teach my. I'm gonna learn how to fly.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
On his own stupid plans. Why? They don't get. A lot of them don't get, like, documented.
Tim Dillon
I was gonna. I was. I was in a plane from Boston, a Cessna from Boston to here with my friend. Some girl. No, no.
Robert Kelly
Aerosmith.
Tim Dillon
No. Sam Schwartz.
Robert Kelly
Oh.
Tim Dillon
And just a regular dude. And he was with the pilot who owned the guy who owned the plane. He was learning how to fly. And we're flying and half. And we're in a headwind. So it took 17 hours to get from Boston to New York. And we're in the plane and I look over and he's sleeping.
Robert Kelly
Oh, Jesus.
Tim Dillon
And the guy hit him. He goes, you can't fall asleep. I'm like, fuck. The fuck are you doing, dude?
Big J Okerson
I was in a plane once, and a guy goes, one of the pilots goes, I'm sitting there. And he goes, would any of you like to, like, just go into the cockpit and sit in the seat? And I go, are you mentally ill? Do you. Is there a more embarrassing way to die than my fat Kills the whole plane? Like, I shut down the engines by.
Robert Kelly
That's what I was worry about the wrong way. You get like stuck on a knob and you're trying to, like, crank out, like, my belt loop. The one behind. Oh, that would be. I'll tell you, I don't know what f. I don't know what faa.
Tim Dillon
I'm still laughing that he thought you were adventurous.
Big J Okerson
He goes, I go, you know, sailing across the ocean goes, but you like stuff like that. I go, do you know who's in the studio?
Robert Kelly
I was picturing, like, he didn't even.
Big J Okerson
Know who walked in the studio.
Robert Kelly
I was picturing you more on the Yach versus sailing around the country. A yacht.
Tim Dillon
Sure, Jay.
Big J Okerson
I'll go on a yacht.
Tim Dillon
Jay knows nobody who's adventurous.
Big J Okerson
There's none of us that are adventurous.
Tim Dillon
None of us.
Robert Kelly
Because Lewis is probably the most adventurous. Yeah, but that's. Ari is.
Big J Okerson
Ari's a little adventurous, but Lewis's idea of adventure is like fighting a guy at a red light.
Robert Kelly
Yes.
Big J Okerson
Not like, I'm gonna learn a skill and then.
Robert Kelly
But both. Both can wear a khaki colored cowboy hat. Both can do that. What the fuck was I just gonna say? I had a good thing flying. It's gone flying. Oh, yes. You will get me there.
Tim Dillon
I always get you there.
Robert Kelly
The private flying. I don't know what the regulations are on those things, but one of the ones I did with Shane, we weren't going. They were gonna cancel the gig at one point because they go, the winds are too bad there. Like, can't fly into it. We're not gonna be able to get in. So it's not gonna happen. And then apparently another pilot can just go, I'll do it.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
And they did it.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
Right.
Robert Kelly
And it ended up being fine. But I mean, like, that makes the ride so much scarier. Like, some pilots were like, I'm not taking this risk. The other guy was like, I don't give a man. Wife just left me. Kid doesn't talk to me. What do I give a.
Tim Dillon
That guy's probably from Iraq.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
You know, when we were in, I did Iraq twice. And those pilots, they just land with rockets flying by them. People shoot and they just. They just. And they take off straight up in the air.
Big J Okerson
The worst flight I had, it was me and Sam Talent. It was a private flight. It's from Amsterdam to London. It's 35 minutes. 30 minutes of it were lovely. Sam Talent's taking photos of plane, showing his wife. We FaceTime his wife. It's great. We're on a descent, we get to about maybe 3,500ft. Something changes. Bad. You feel it. You feel something change, like, oh. Then the pilots start doing things with their hands and everything. And you're seeing all of this. We're descending, we're descending, we're descending. Talent goes, where's the Runway? I look out. We look to the right. The Runway is, like, perpendicular to us. Like, we can't even get near it. The pilot does one last attempt to make that turn. The wind blows us. They go, fuck it. Landing gear goes up. We go back up through a nasty storm. And then the pilots, the Russian stewardess sitting there, indifferent to life and death, sitting there like this. She goes, we are not able to land. I go, oh. And I walked up to the pilots. I go, we got to land in Birmingham because this is not happening. And they go, conditions are worsening at Birmingham. They're getting bad there. So they go, we're going to give that a shot. Which is the worst thing you ever hear a pilot say. We're going to give that a shot. So we sat down in our seats, the Lufthansa in front of us had to do a go around. Couldn't land at Birmingham. We got to about 500ft, getting our asses kicked. He drops the plane. We land on the Runway, but not straight, like, almost like diagonal. And we're getting battered with wind on the Runway. And Talent will tell you, I thought it was it. We, Me and Talent were like, it's the. It's the scariest experience you had as an adult. Like, I thought it was done.
Robert Kelly
Yeah, that's done. It's so out of your control. Also, those small planes still have something that closes up the cockpit.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
I don't want to be as involved. I tell you, when I was the one with a Sodor was on the one Shane gig with me, and when it got like rocky and crazy, the guy turned around and gave a thumbs up to Sodor, but with like his eyebrows up, like, like, like. Yeah, that wasn't so bad. Writers and sort of just gave him a thumbs up back, like Top Gun, like with no. No confidence at all in their movements and. Yeah, I don't want to see the whole thing. Yeah.
Big J Okerson
When you're on a plane like that, you always say to yourself, there's no reason this doesn't crash. No, there's no reason.
Robert Kelly
I can't think of any scientific reason how it gets off the goddamn ground. It doesn't make sense.
Big J Okerson
There's reasons.
Robert Kelly
But no, no, I can't give it to you.
Tim Dillon
Helicopters are worse.
Big J Okerson
They're the worst.
Tim Dillon
Hell, I. I had a fan in Vegas who's like, hey, I do helicopter rides. I was like, yeah, I'll go. And we went over the dam.
Big J Okerson
Oh.
Tim Dillon
And I was. And he goes, hey, put your hand here. And I was like, okay, they put my hand here. And he goes, put your feet there. And I go. He goes, are you gonna fly? I go, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not. I want nothing. I'm not that guy.
Big J Okerson
No.
Tim Dillon
I don't want to learn. I don't want you to take a picture of me doing this. I just want to get. I want to look. Yeah, take a couple of pictures and get the fuck.
Robert Kelly
Yeah. You want to be Lois Lane? Yeah. You want to have Superman holding you around the waist and pointing at all the sights while you just let your. Your body flow.
Big J Okerson
That was a sad story that happened with that recent helicopter. Yeah.
Tim Dillon
What happened with that?
Big J Okerson
The guy just. They didn't check the nut. There's like a thing that holds all these things together called like the God knot or the Jesus. They just didn't make. The thing was not tightened.
Tim Dillon
There's one nut.
Big J Okerson
There's like one nut. And how literally the. It's, you know, the. It's one. It's on one thing. And it wasn't tight.
Tim Dillon
And we're so dumb. It's like, there's one thing and we're like, it's true. That's one nut in the. The plane holds it together.
Big J Okerson
I mean, everyone will tell you that nose helicopters is that one. The bolt that really holds that entire thing together. And if that has a problem, you're fucked.
Robert Kelly
You throw a ladder there and just check it out before each one Give a little.
Big J Okerson
Those are those helicopter tours. They don't really care. And they were out selling tickets the next day.
Robert Kelly
You know that same company, of course.
Tim Dillon
On the west side highway getting given deals.
Big J Okerson
Given deals going.
Robert Kelly
I didn't know that.
Big J Okerson
You want.
Robert Kelly
I didn't know that was one of those, like just along the west side Highway.
Big J Okerson
Oh, yeah.
Robert Kelly
Just go up and down.
Big J Okerson
No, it's African guys who come from straight up from Africa who just sell those tickets to tour buses and helicopters. And a lot of them have machete scars from war. I'm just saying it's true.
Tim Dillon
Not the helicopter blades.
Robert Kelly
There was war started by the federal government. Government. And they bring in cocaine. Didn't you haven't watched Snowfall, Dude, I.
Tim Dillon
Didn'T watch it yet. I just started watching it. I heard a conspiracy theory that there was somebody in the plane. That was. There was a person in the plane. Who was.
Big J Okerson
The helicopter.
Tim Dillon
No, the one of the. The people that rented it.
Robert Kelly
The helicopter.
Tim Dillon
You're saying rented. Not the pilot. Somebody who rented the helicopter. Sorry. Who rented the helicopter? They were somebody of. From a company or something.
Big J Okerson
He was a CEO of a company for sure.
Tim Dillon
That. That they took him out might have been an assassination.
Big J Okerson
Really?
Tim Dillon
That's horseshit.
Robert Kelly
Lucy.
Big J Okerson
Here's what. That makes us all feel comfortable. That makes me feel good. I go, oh, is it targeted assassination?
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
It's better than just a glitch.
Big J Okerson
It makes me feel so good because now it's like, all right, so what?
Tim Dillon
Yeah. And it's. You have to undo the God nut just to make it happen.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
You don't need a sniper in a window.
Robert Kelly
No God nut for look it up.
Big J Okerson
The Jesus nut. Yes, you could look it up.
Robert Kelly
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
Ryan Hamilton's gonna come up. But that's right.
Robert Kelly
Jesus nut thinks you would bring up a lot more other things.
Tim Dillon
Oh, wow.
Robert Kelly
Slang term for the main rotor retaining nut. Yeah, There it is.
Tim Dillon
That's.
Big J Okerson
That's. It's over.
Tim Dillon
Can I just say though, Bravo on naming something. What a great name.
Big J Okerson
That's what they call. And listen. The only reason I know this is the. The guy that'll help me out with jets sometimes going to gigs told me he goes helicopters. If they're not. If the maintenance is not good. It's not like a plane where you could. You can do some things. You can try to. You're. It's bad.
Robert Kelly
Once it's gone haywire.
Big J Okerson
Once it's gone haywire, it's over.
Robert Kelly
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Big J Okerson
And it's because nine times out of ten he goes. It's this Jesus nut that if it is any. Look at it. It's not that big. It's in someone's hand. If that's. It's over.
Robert Kelly
Yeah. Someone's like talking on their phone while they're screwing it on. You go, no, no, no, no. Call me back. Make sure you handle that. It seems to be the thing.
Tim Dillon
A giant Hershey's Kiss.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
That's so important.
Big J Okerson
Flight. The rotor would detach from the helicopter.
Tim Dillon
Wow.
Robert Kelly
Which is exactly what happened.
Tim Dillon
And I think what happened too is the tail part fell off. Broke off.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
Coming down. Because Just that. Just the part where the people were in.
Big J Okerson
Look at this.
Tim Dillon
Yeah. See, the tail was off and it just smacked. That sucks.
Big J Okerson
That sucks. It's really sad.
Tim Dillon
The tail. And off did it. The blade. Wow.
Big J Okerson
Here's the other thing. It's not. It's not an even a nice day.
Tim Dillon
For a r. Look at. Look at that flying down. That's epic.
Robert Kelly
It went. And they drown because it went underwater upside down.
Big J Okerson
Well, probably. Yeah.
Tim Dillon
Probably the impact.
Robert Kelly
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
That would suck. If you're alive just sinking to the bottom.
Big J Okerson
They probably was water.
Robert Kelly
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
But it's cold water. It's not warm yet.
Robert Kelly
No. So it probably sucks.
Tim Dillon
I'm pretty sure falling 200ft out of the sky.
Big J Okerson
I don't mind. If I go down in hel. Helicopter warm water. I'll just swim. I'll just swim with a whale. Another whale. There's shore.
Robert Kelly
That'd be the worst. If you were inside the cocktails filling up with cold water. And that's what you're feeling. You're going.
Big J Okerson
I would love if the helicopter went down and everyone died but me and I just swam to a seafood restaurant and got out.
Tim Dillon
Because you're so adventurous.
Robert Kelly
You do live a life of adventure.
Tim Dillon
You.
Robert Kelly
And you could lasso yourself onto land.
Tim Dillon
How great would that be if you're the only one who lived? It just popped up.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, it just popped up.
Tim Dillon
Just on video.
Robert Kelly
That's one of the best stories ever. Isn't Artemis Pile the guy the only surviving from the plane? The only guy who survived the plane crash, I think. Or one of the survivors of the Leonard Skynyrd plane crash.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
And like he survives a crash and then walked bloody and battered to a farmhouse. And when a kid came out and saw there was like a crazy like blood covered long hair guy. He was asking him for help and he just shot him. They shot him again. He didn't die, but like he got shot. And that's funny. You survive a plane crash, then go ask for help. And the guy goes for help. Shoot you. He's like, get out of here, you long hair, hippie.
Tim Dillon
Could look like a demon.
Big J Okerson
Every now and then there's a story of like there was a story recently, maybe a year ago, where somebody just pulled into a driveway to make like a three point turn and the guy wasn't having it and the guy just walked out and he shot him. Like people sometimes will just.
Tim Dillon
Was not New York, because New York, if somebody breaks into your house, you have to retreat.
Big J Okerson
I think they tried this guy, really tried this guy. This was a bunch of kids. It killed a bunch of kids. Remember that one girl? They were coming back. They. Yeah, they lost. They just made a mistake. And they pulled into the driveway to turn around and he got out and shot them. He got out and shot him. He was convicted. He was convicted. Yeah.
Robert Kelly
Yeah, for sure.
Tim Dillon
It's crazy New York.
Big J Okerson
No. Where was that? I almost think it was upstate New York. I think it was kind of upstate New York.
Tim Dillon
What are you gonna say?
Robert Kelly
Didn't you say that's the whole thing? It's like, I've always lived by that thing. If somebody comes into your house and has like any kind of bad intention.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
You can kill them at will and not go to jail that night. But I think you're going to get arrested.
Tim Dillon
Always if you're in New York City, you have to retreat into a room and run.
Robert Kelly
What if you're. What if your whole apartment is a room?
Tim Dillon
What do you mean if?
Robert Kelly
It's just that happens often. Let's say your Paco.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
Who lives in. Was probably a room, I would guess with a dog.
Tim Dillon
There's probably 15 other people in there.
Robert Kelly
That's true.
Tim Dillon
Work at Gas Digital.
Robert Kelly
I know. And they're all Filipino.
Tim Dillon
They're all Filipino.
Robert Kelly
And they go hide in the vents in the ducts.
Tim Dillon
They actually hide behind their scooters that are in the apartment too.
Big J Okerson
I love the idea of like the prosecutor going like, he clearly could have hidden the duct. You chose to shoot this man instead of hiding in a vent.
Tim Dillon
You have to. You have to be like, I have a gun. Please leave. You have to beg the person not to.
Big J Okerson
California, same. It was New York. Yeah.
Tim Dillon
Was it?
Robert Kelly
I feel like if somebody came in. I feel like if somebody came in, you should just blindly be able to put a whole clip in them.
Tim Dillon
Not in this state.
Big J Okerson
I just also feel bad. There's a good chance he was listening to someone. Like one of our friends podcasts.
Robert Kelly
We gotta take this country back one driveway at a time. We gotta take it back. Yeah, that's Rogan law.
Tim Dillon
Yeah. I think there is, there is ways out of it. I think you can, you can. I think one of my friends who's a retired cop was like, just shoot him and drag him back into the house.
Big J Okerson
Oh, that's interesting.
Tim Dillon
And then say.
Big J Okerson
That's a good point.
Tim Dillon
You have to, you know, shoot them, drag him back in the house and then don't call the cops. Don't say anything to the cops. You have to call a certain number if you're, you're a member of the NRA and they'll, they'll protect you. Really? Yeah, they'll, they'll immediately. I think you have to donate to them or become a member of this. I forget what it is. And they will protect you or, or at least, you know, my friend, my.
Big J Okerson
Friend'S dad was like a high level Mason and supposedly that happened to my friend's dad and he just called the masons and it was fine.
Tim Dillon
Yeah, you can, you can stuff like that. Yeah, I think Jay's right. If someone breaks into your house and you shoot them, you're good. Just don't tell the cops what happened. You have to, you have to fill them up. You can't tell.
Robert Kelly
You can't be like that. I shot him in both knees and then squatted down next to him and gave a really cool speech.
Tim Dillon
Right.
Robert Kelly
He goes, I bet this wasn't. You thought your day was gonna go when you woke up this morning.
Tim Dillon
Is it?
Robert Kelly
I'm gonna give a cool line like that.
Tim Dillon
Two Desert Eagles. You gotta put back into your twin.
Robert Kelly
Desert Eagles that I can't put back. Cool. I'm like messing up. They get wrapped around. I can't get it on good. They're poking out cause of my titties. There's no way. You'll never have a chance as a gun owner. You'll never have a chance to look cool with your gun. To do the ultimate thing you're supposed to do with it. Take a life.
Tim Dillon
Well, you're not supposed to shoot somebody with a handgun, right?
Robert Kelly
If you do, it's going. Shooting animals holds no allure to me.
Tim Dillon
You're supposed to shoot somebody in your house with a shotgun. Because. Because if you shoot with a gun or a ak. I'm not AK ar. Anytime that's going, that's going through the wall and it's going to kill your neighbor while they sleep. We'll go through.
Big J Okerson
It's absolutely such a shotgun up the wall.
Tim Dillon
It'll go through. It will go through most walls.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
So you could use a shotgun, and it just sprays and doesn't go through the wall.
Big J Okerson
It's a hilarious insurance claim to file, though.
Robert Kelly
All right.
Big J Okerson
It's one of the more fun insurance claims.
Robert Kelly
I got buckshot in my drywall.
Big J Okerson
You're on the phone with AIG. You go. So anyway, an AK47 ripped up a.
Tim Dillon
Wall in my house.
Big J Okerson
And.
Robert Kelly
And you can shoot people. We get somebody on the lawyer. We have a lawyer on the phone. Legalities of this, Jason? Everybody's first time. Long time. All right. I like that. That was my favorite. You're a lawyer here in New York City? Yes, New York State. Upstate New York State. So if somebody says here, if somebody comes into your house, you can fill them up with a full clip, squat down, and give him a speech. Yes. Okay. Castle doctrine. Man's house is his castle. If he's on your property, you retreat to your house. If he's in your house, you blast that fool. Ooh.
Tim Dillon
Now. So if he's on your property, you have to retreat. I thought inside your house you had a retreat to.
Robert Kelly
No, for pussy. A room.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
Like, if you had a retreat, there's a reasonable expectation he's going to cause you harm and you have the ability to defend yourself.
Tim Dillon
Okay. I hope you're right.
Robert Kelly
I don't want to shoot anybody. So that's why I set up a series of home alone like things for when people break in. At first, you get a pink in the face.
Tim Dillon
Right.
Robert Kelly
Some marbles in the floor. That's all before I pull the gun out.
Tim Dillon
Right. You get a rake in the ass.
Robert Kelly
If you pull through all that. Yeah. I step on a rake, the clunk, shift, all those hilarious things. Maybe a hot knob.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
And then if you. If. If somewhere through that, you're still trudging through the house. I'm gonna put fucking 15 in you. Oh, I'm putting 15 in you. Do you know if that's the same in Jersey? I live in Jersey now, and I want to kill somebody. I don't know if it's the same in Jersey, but I know in Florida you can just pretty much blast somebody whenever.
Big J Okerson
Florida, I believe you can shoot someone through a drive through.
Robert Kelly
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
If you. There's a reasonable expectation. If you don't get a cheeseburger within three minutes, you can shoot someone.
Robert Kelly
That's gonna be Jacob's life. Jacob moved in there and be like, he's gonna be water skiing on the backs of two alligators while he's shooting a fucking machine gun in the air. He wants to live.
Tim Dillon
He's gonna like Saddam Sons.
Big J Okerson
Is there a type of gun that you cannot use? For example, if you use an AK47 or AR. AR15.
Robert Kelly
Ask him for twin Desert Eagles or.
Big J Okerson
Twin Desert Eagles, for example. Would. Would that affect the way that the case is looked at?
Robert Kelly
No, I don't think so. You know, you're not allowed to have fully automatic or whatever, but it's interesting you say home alone, because if you set a booby trap in your home, that's deadly trouble, that might get you in trouble.
Tim Dillon
Yeah. You're in trouble if you do that. Yeah.
Robert Kelly
I don't mean the paint can in a face. Might be the thing. How about the thing that Rambo did where you triple wire and then a series of wood stakes that I made come out and stab you in your upper thighs?
Tim Dillon
Is that okay?
Robert Kelly
It could hit your femoral, but odds are it's not. What is that, a fatal wound?
Tim Dillon
What'd you say?
Robert Kelly
That's only illegal if they're covered in feces.
Tim Dillon
Let me ask you a question. What if I paint my body like a cabinet and I blend into the background of my kitchen, and then he walks by and I slices his throat because he doesn't see me.
Robert Kelly
But. Hang on. But the way that goes is he walks completely by Bobby, and then you see Bobby's eyes open, and then he comes off the thing and slits his throat. Is that gonna hold up in court? Would you try that case? I would do it for free.
Tim Dillon
Okay, great. Thank you.
Robert Kelly
Were you.
Big J Okerson
Are you aware of that case where a guy sadly killed a girl and her friends who went into his driveway by mistake, and it happened in upstate New York?
Robert Kelly
You know, I'm not aware of it, but that really does sound like upstate New York. Quite nice.
Big J Okerson
Yeah. It happened upstate. It was sad.
Robert Kelly
Congrats, Bobby. Nice place to live.
Tim Dillon
Upstate. No, not where I live, you're not.
Big J Okerson
You're not. Upstate.
Tim Dillon
We're talking. You talking Roscoe, New York, Livingston, up in that.
Big J Okerson
You know where it was? It was somewhere up.
Tim Dillon
And there's no. There's like, one cop.
Big J Okerson
I want to say Elmira Miles.
Tim Dillon
It's like. It's the Wild west up in Roscoe.
Big J Okerson
Washington County, New York. I don't know where the hell that is.
Robert Kelly
Up.
Tim Dillon
Up in upstate New York is pretty.
Robert Kelly
I always find it so funny that upstate New York and west. Caitlin Gillis, he shot.
Big J Okerson
It gets pretty in the front seat.
Robert Kelly
It gets pretty hillbilly in western New Jersey.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
And upstate New York, like, there's. It's really wild how like, you think of those things as everyone thinks of Jersey. Jersey Shore. The Jersey Shore cast almost specifically. And like, you know, like a real dego. E. Like. And upstate is like. Just seems like it's a suburb of New York. But it gets so hillbilly.
Tim Dillon
Yeah, but it gets hillbilly. But it also gets ghetto because Giuliani shipped a lot of people up to Kingston.
Robert Kelly
Just blacks in general.
Big J Okerson
That's right.
Tim Dillon
He shipped a lot of those. A lot of people up there. Not blacks in general, but like low income people. And the. The Latin Kings, all the gangs went up there, right? So these little tiny redneck towns.
Robert Kelly
Why'd you wink after you said low income people, though?
Tim Dillon
I. I did it so you, you know, urban people. I didn't wink. He's fire.
Robert Kelly
By the way. By the way, he winked again, by the way. Bobby, when you.
Tim Dillon
First of all, when I wink, you can hear it.
Robert Kelly
Low income people.
Tim Dillon
There you go.
Robert Kelly
Gotcha.
Tim Dillon
That's crazy.
Robert Kelly
New Jersey does not have a stand your ground but castle drock Torin does apply. If someone comes in your house, you can shoot them dead. Christine. Remember that?
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
If you walk into my home, I can shoot you dead.
Tim Dillon
Don't say that.
Robert Kelly
Well, she's not on the paperwork. She's not on the paperwork. I can kill her.
Tim Dillon
No. But she can do the same thing to you.
Robert Kelly
No, she don't have the paperwork. I have squatters rights. Huh?
Big J Okerson
Water rights.
Tim Dillon
She does.
Robert Kelly
She might have squatters. Right.
Tim Dillon
Are you gonna get a rifle? You heard me.
Robert Kelly
A rifle?
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
No, rifle's gay.
Tim Dillon
Well, you can't get a gun.
Robert Kelly
Why not?
Tim Dillon
Because you have to take an 18 hour course.
Robert Kelly
I'll take it.
Tim Dillon
18 hours?
Robert Kelly
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
Are you crazy?
Robert Kelly
I'll just buy a gun illegally.
Tim Dillon
Dude, you can't say that. Don't say that on air.
Robert Kelly
What?
Tim Dillon
That you got to buy a gun illegally, you fucking maniac.
Robert Kelly
I got to talk to a guy named Junebug in an alley. No, no, he knew my mom. It's cool.
Tim Dillon
You can go down and buy any long gun.
Robert Kelly
Dude, rifles are boring.
Tim Dillon
It's not boring. What's wrong boring about a rifle?
Robert Kelly
I can't pull it out and John Wick, like, walk through my home eliminating people.
Big J Okerson
Here's the thing is there's no way to take it. Abbreviated course at that. 18 hours. There's no way to get. Get it down to the basics.
Robert Kelly
There definitely is.
Tim Dillon
There's got to be a four hour in New York.
Robert Kelly
I.
Tim Dillon
It's an 18. I think it's a 16 or 18 hour.
Robert Kelly
Course.
Tim Dillon
And there's no.
Robert Kelly
I've heard a couple people have given me the. It'll be fine.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, there's got to be a workaround.
Tim Dillon
I mean, there's a workaround everything. But I'm. You're not gonna. I know you're not gonna announce it on a radio show, but I'm sure there's somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody. But yeah, you know, if I. If I get mine. I took these 16 hours. So when I get my hand. When I get my.
Robert Kelly
Does the course show you how to like, load it and everything?
Tim Dillon
What?
Robert Kelly
They show you how to load the gun? What's the course they're showing you? Right?
Tim Dillon
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Big J Okerson
It would be hilarious if the course started. If the course started like this. They were like, all right, so Rudy Giuliani shipped a lot of low income people.
Robert Kelly
Low income.
Big J Okerson
Low income. Wink.
Robert Kelly
I'll take the class of. When I'm done, I can do that thing where I throw the clip up in the air and then I swing the gun across and it goes into the thing and then I put 15. The son of a bitch came to my house.
Tim Dillon
Well, you can.
Robert Kelly
Fucking overzealous UPS driver.
Tim Dillon
When you rack it with one hand. Like John Wick.
Robert Kelly
Yes.
Tim Dillon
No, I think it's all about. It's boring. And gun safety and everything about guns and it sucks. It's pretty boring.
Robert Kelly
But they teach you how to use.
Big J Okerson
A gun and shoot it.
Tim Dillon
Yeah, they teach you all about guns.
Robert Kelly
That is valuable. What If I put all 15 in the same hole?
Tim Dillon
In the same hole? Yeah, right there on the target.
Robert Kelly
No, the person who's in my house. There's somebody in my house.
Tim Dillon
But I don't think it matters. I don't think the cops are going to go, man, good shooting. I don't think they're gonna do that.
Robert Kelly
They wouldn't be impressed by that.
Tim Dillon
I mean, I would be.
Robert Kelly
If I take an honorary badge. Like Elvis. Can I be in the DEA now? Like Elvis?
Big J Okerson
Oh, perhaps.
Robert Kelly
We gotta take a commercial break. I know that. Tim Dillon's new special, I'm your mother, available right now on Netflix. Any feedback on the. On the. The promo?
Big J Okerson
So people aren't getting super mad about it?
Tim Dillon
He. Well, they get mad at him about it.
Big J Okerson
Are they?
Tim Dillon
I read some stuff about him today.
Big J Okerson
What'd they say?
Tim Dillon
They're just attacking him of trying to, you know, get back in by doing.
Big J Okerson
Supposed to do walk into the ocean.
Tim Dillon
I don't know, dude. Take a helicopter ride in New York.
Big J Okerson
Weinstein's coming back. Everybody's Coming back.
Tim Dillon
Weinstein coming back.
Big J Okerson
He's coming back.
Tim Dillon
He's doing Tarantino's 10th movie.
Big J Okerson
Movies are gonna get good again.
Robert Kelly
He's producing from the clink.
Tim Dillon
That's great.
Robert Kelly
Make sure you check his special out I'm your mother, available right now on Netflix. Watch it and then watch it again. We'll be right back. It's the bonfire. The best things in life come when you don't settle. That's why switching to Metro is a great choice. Because at Metro, you don't just get great deals, you get even more of what you love. You shouldn't have to put up with the yada yada you find with other carriers. Things like hidden fees, contracts and underwhelming deals. That's why at Metro you can get great deals on 5G devices from top brands like Samsung. With no contracts, no credit checks, no exploding bills, and nada, yada yada. That's wireless without the gotcha. With more 5G phones to choose from and incredible deals, you'll never feel like you're accepting less than what you deserve. Stop by your neighborhood Metro store and learn about their amazing deals. Go to metrobyt mobile.com stores to find a location near you.
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Big J Okerson
And now back to the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly. I'm a fucking ash. I don't care if it has a view of the ocean.
Robert Kelly
You podcasters think you've inherited the kingdom.
Big J Okerson
Hold on, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Robert Kelly
Whispering in ears, swaying elections, spinning the.
Tim Dillon
Truth like it was cotton candy.
Big J Okerson
When in fact you're nothing but a bunch of clowns juggling boner pills and hair tonic. Frank Underwood. I thought you were dead. I'm as dead as John McCain. He is dead.
Tim Dillon
Excuse my ignorance. I meant Herman Cain.
Big J Okerson
He's also dead Dean Cain. To be honest, I don't know. Well, it doesn't matter anyway, because I'm back.
Robert Kelly
And that's why I need you to.
Tim Dillon
Go on your little podcast and say this.
Big J Okerson
I don't do political endorsements.
Tim Dillon
I think you're going to do exactly as I asked.
Big J Okerson
Ask Mr. Dylan.
Robert Kelly
Door dash.
Big J Okerson
Orders made from inside a five star steakhouse. While at a hotel in Milwaukee in 2023, you called a Taco Bell just to talk.
Tim Dillon
And you once paid $6,000 to have.
Big J Okerson
A Carville ice cream cake overnighted to.
Robert Kelly
A theater in Norway and then returned.
Big J Okerson
It for a refund because it wasn't Cookie Puss. Jesus Christ, Frank. I'll read it, but first you gotta plug my comedy special. Oh, Jesus. It's good. I filmed it in Austin.
Robert Kelly
I don't care if you filmed it.
Big J Okerson
On Mars with Elon Musk. I'm not here to help you. These photos you gave me, I've posted them all. I'm on the Internet. We don't have blackmail. We have content. We're all demons from hell, you son of a bitch.
Tim Dillon
There is no limit to your duplicity.
Big J Okerson
To your pandering, to your shameless and desperate desire to cling to relevance.
Robert Kelly
You are. You are.
Big J Okerson
I'm what? My kind of bastard.
Robert Kelly
You have my endorsement, Mr. Dillon.
Big J Okerson
I appreciate that, Frank. And I read ads for Morgan and Morgan Law Firm. I'm sure I can endorse this. The Daily Wire's new musical. It's really good. Oh, by the way, which network is.
Tim Dillon
Your comedy special on?
Big J Okerson
Netflix. You foul, lonesome, evil little cockroach.
Tim Dillon
But I love it.
Robert Kelly
So good.
Tim Dillon
Fun.
Robert Kelly
So good.
Big J Okerson
It's a fun one. He's a really talented actor.
Tim Dillon
Do you know how happy you made him?
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
That he got to tap back into.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
He got to go with a script in his living room. Yet it be small.
Big J Okerson
Right.
Tim Dillon
Maybe a studio somewhere.
Big J Okerson
Sure.
Tim Dillon
By himself. And just go over lines.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
And have some guy. Hey, can you read with me?
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
He got to do what he loves.
Big J Okerson
That's what he loves.
Tim Dillon
Loves.
Big J Okerson
That's one of the things he loves.
Tim Dillon
And, well, he loves other things. The other thing got him in trouble, but they kind of.
Robert Kelly
That's it. What's funny is because it's applied here, which is great. The character, when he did the. When his first try to come back was like, I'm just gonna chop up zucchini and talk like a lunatic. Everyone was like, is this guy. Someone check on him a wellness check.
Tim Dillon
That was actually great acting too. But that that he was in his heaven.
Big J Okerson
He's in his element, man.
Tim Dillon
Yeah, he was. That's so good.
Big J Okerson
And that character is the first character that Netflix ever made big. Yeah, that huge show.
Tim Dillon
Huge, Huge. That show was their hit show.
Big J Okerson
Awesome show.
Tim Dillon
There's great show.
Big J Okerson
Until the final season when they replaced.
Tim Dillon
Him with a woman ruin everything. You're right.
Robert Kelly
Women ruin.
Tim Dillon
Ruin everything.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
You heard it here first.
Tim Dillon
You heard it fair first. But from Tim, I heard.
Robert Kelly
I was listening. I was listening to. I had to rewind it for Christina. I was listening to Corey Holcomb.
Tim Dillon
He's the best.
Robert Kelly
Who is hilarious, by the way. Now. Now he's saying everything in Holly. You don't have a Hollywood moment at all unless you've done gay stuff. He's called out Will Smith. He's saying. Done gay stuff. But. And he was talk. He was talking about what? Godfrey. God. He calls Godfrey gay man. Because that was his character's name in Soul Plane.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
And he just keeps making claims about Godfrey having to have done gay shit because he believes Godfrey's a movie star. So he describes.
Tim Dillon
That was in my stomach, by the way. Okay, I'm just letting you know.
Robert Kelly
But he said a line that made me laugh so hard. The stuff he said. He tells women when he wants, when he's gonna take care of him or not. He goes, if you don't want to relive your mama's life, behave. I had to go, christine, come here. Come here. If you don't want to repeat your mama's life, behave.
Tim Dillon
He really does.
Robert Kelly
He gets to the core of it.
Tim Dillon
Gets to the core of it very quick.
Robert Kelly
But he is, I mean, homophobic to the umpteenth power and just living it out there.
Tim Dillon
That'd be hilarious if he was just gay.
Robert Kelly
It's true. I mean, I doubt it, but it's strange. Well, I don't know. To have that strong feelings about it.
Big J Okerson
It's a common belief, because I think Godfrey told me Kevin Hart did gay. Like, it's always someone's always Kevin Hart.
Tim Dillon
He did with Jay.
Big J Okerson
But he also said the Rock was kind of gay.
Tim Dillon
Keith used to make Kevin Hart and Jay blow him. They say the Rock him in from Philly.
Robert Kelly
They say the Rock has a. Like a secret boyfriend that lives with him at all times.
Tim Dillon
Who would want to fucking blow the Rock? What a monster. Yeah, just a big no.
Robert Kelly
I bet his balls and pecker all dwindled down from juice.
Tim Dillon
He has a big Samoan uncut dick. That's just disgusting.
Robert Kelly
That's what you picture when you think.
Tim Dillon
Of it, that's what I want to jerk off. Yeah.
Robert Kelly
It's not what it is though.
Tim Dillon
That's what it is.
Big J Okerson
It's probably a very shriveled dentist. Penis. He probably has the penis of a Jewish dentist from Long Island.
Robert Kelly
I have a feeling the rock doesn't have a massive hog.
Big J Okerson
He might not have genitals.
Tim Dillon
Well, you know what? We always look up tits. Why don't we look up rocks hog. I'm sure it's on the Internet.
Big J Okerson
Sure.
Robert Kelly
Is he ever. Kristen, has he been linked to a girl ever?
Tim Dillon
Yeah, he was married. Married and then he hooked up. He actually. No married to a Samoan woman. Had a kid and got divorced. They're still friends. She runs his come. One of his companies.
Robert Kelly
Still friends. A company.
Big J Okerson
Nothing shady about that.
Tim Dillon
He got married to this. He's with this new girl right there. Yeah, that's her. She's pretty hot too. That's his new girlfriend. Adam's apple. Weird beard. Weird.
Robert Kelly
That's her name.
Tim Dillon
Her hands are huge.
Robert Kelly
But she does have big hands. Yeah, but yeah, he's one. They always. But why don't. When Corey Holcomb says that, I will be honest, it just sounds like anger of somebody who didn't like make it make it in Hollywood saying you have to do gay stuff. I mean it's as silly a belief as flat earth that everyone who is successful has had to do. He's like, there's no question at all. Brad Pitt had to like blow guys to get where he's at.
Tim Dillon
That's true though. He's admitted that on stuff.
Robert Kelly
Has he really?
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
Well, it's also like, what do you mean by Hollywood? Like those old school movies is very possible that shit like that happened, but I think like, what is Hollywood now?
Robert Kelly
Well, yeah, that's almost what I mean.
Big J Okerson
What even is Hollywood?
Tim Dillon
Yeah, that would suck to suck somebody's dick. And you, you don't even get a.
Big J Okerson
You don't get. You don't get anything.
Tim Dillon
Yeah, you gotta. You get.
Big J Okerson
Three people on White Lotus made no money. They made like 30 grand an episode. I mean it's like they. It's. There's nothing left.
Robert Kelly
I know that's. Well, who knows?
Tim Dillon
I feel bad for actors. Suck a dick and get a series and then it just gets canceled.
Big J Okerson
Well, it's just funny now then you're.
Tim Dillon
Just with your kids and wife and just.
Big J Okerson
Yeah. And you're just like, I suck so many dicks. I made no money.
Tim Dillon
We still, we still rent.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
All I have is a consummately dry.
Tim Dillon
Mouth, still driving a Ford Honda Accord. And I sucked a lot of dicks.
Big J Okerson
There's nothing worse than sucking a dick and then having. Having to start a podcast because you can't work.
Robert Kelly
Well, could you imagine being those people? Like when you walk, Remember, like, they. They shamed Elvin from the Cosby show because he's working at, like a Trader Joe's or something.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
And like a lot of former celebrities. Uber. The guy who was. He was friends with Christine. Well, our friend Brian Bollinger was friends with. What the fuck was his name? American Idol. He was first season American Idol with Ryan Seacrest. It was Dunkelman.
Tim Dillon
Yeah, Dunkleman.
Robert Kelly
Brian Dunkleman.
Tim Dillon
Comedian.
Robert Kelly
You're comedian. And then he was like, show stupid. He's like left it and it's like he's driving Uber. Yeah, as they said.
Tim Dillon
I remember. Remember the movie once We're Warriors. You ever see that movie?
Robert Kelly
Of course.
Tim Dillon
The son, the middle son in that, you know, the one who becomes the warrior gets the fit. He was actually, I was in a. Me and my friend were taking a. One of those little rickshaw drives down the West Village in between sets of.
Robert Kelly
The Cellar, and you got a slave in New York.
Tim Dillon
He was. It was him.
Big J Okerson
The guy from American Idol.
Tim Dillon
It was the guy from Once for Warriors.
Robert Kelly
No, the guy from Warriors.
Tim Dillon
It was the kid. I go, hey, dude, were you in the movie once before? He goes, yeah, mate. And I was like, it's like one of my favorite movies of all time. He's like, mate, thanks, mate. And we took him. We took him out to Manetta Tavern and got him drinks and a hamburger and we hung out.
Robert Kelly
And someone stole his rickshaw.
Tim Dillon
No.
Robert Kelly
Yeah. There's Alvin working at fucking Trader Joe's.
Tim Dillon
He's probably happy.
Robert Kelly
No.
Big J Okerson
Well, now with Trump, like, firing everybody, you're going to be in an Uber and you're going to be like, were you the head of the FBI guys? Like, yeah, I was the head of the Central Intelligence Agency delivering doordash. Be like, wow.
Robert Kelly
We go back to Christine. He works at Trader Joe's in Jersey. Oh, you gotta tell me if you see Elvin, let me know so I can jamir quiet my way into the Trader Joe's.
Big J Okerson
Wasn't one of the Jacksons working at a little Agalo's?
Robert Kelly
Well, I mean, that wouldn't be so crazy.
Tim Dillon
One of the Jacks.
Robert Kelly
I mean, anyone but Jermaine, they gotta.
Big J Okerson
Have more money than.
Robert Kelly
That's what I'm saying. If Tito or. Or Randy. One of those two, maybe. But but it's also, how stupid are people?
Big J Okerson
The guy stopped working in 1992. It's like, what do they think's going on?
Robert Kelly
Yeah, yeah. The money does run out eventually. Yeah.
Tim Dillon
And it hurts too, because you get those checks for 19 cents.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
And you. And it comes. You see SAG, you're like, maybe they sold it somewhere.
Robert Kelly
But do you remember we were talking.
Tim Dillon
You know what I mean?
Robert Kelly
You're like, we talked on Skanks about the tga, TGIF lineup and everybody. Like those people who were in, like, the show, step by step. Like those kids, like, they're probably not enacting at all. No, anywhere at all. And the money from it, long gone.
Big J Okerson
If they were smart, if you had money back then, if you were smart and you just, like, bought a piece of property or something like that in LA or in a new place like New York, you probably could have sold it down the road for enough of a profit to not work at Trader Joe's.
Robert Kelly
Yeah, you think?
Tim Dillon
But probably that's Vinnie brand advice.
Robert Kelly
That's kind of stuffy. Brand calls me later and goes, you know when you was. He goes, how. When you started comedy, I was 19 and I was like, probably 30 something. When he said this, he goes, if you put $50 away in this kind of account every day, $50 a week away, and you'd have five something million dollars right now. Okay, that didn't really help me because when I had.
Tim Dillon
Yeah, I hate those people.
Robert Kelly
No, it's the. What you should have.
Tim Dillon
If we took. Yeah, if I. When I started comedy, if I took that money and put it away, and I'd be a millionaire right now.
Big J Okerson
But you know what? It is, too. It's like a lot of these kids, their parents steal their money.
Robert Kelly
Oh, yeah.
Tim Dillon
Oh, the.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, that's the whole point.
Robert Kelly
Aggressive.
Big J Okerson
The whole point is so that you steal your kids money.
Robert Kelly
Well, we haven't gotten deep into it, but they started that. Netflix has the bad influence. The Kid Fluencers, like the dark side of the Kid Fluencers. I saw the beginning of it.
Tim Dillon
Say I love the name, though.
Robert Kelly
But it was the first time I saw. We saw like the chink in the armor, like in the arguing. Hey, yeah, yeah, right there. I'm looking at you, Paco. Paco's the chink in our armor was the two girls would hang out all the time, these two little girls and play or open up toys or whatever, make a bunch of money. And then the mom who was just like, oh, it's nice. Our daughters get to hang out together and they may have fun making little videos. Is that one day the mom was like, oblivious. Marco from Eastville used to do this, but tell you how much money he made while he wasn't paying you for the gig. She was like, hey, you should start trying to monetize videos with your own daughter. She's like, why are they making money? She's like, yeah, lots. And she's been taking just all of it herself. While the other one. While the other mom's like, wait, what is it my daughter in these videos too? But it's just like they're whoring their own daughters out, by the way, too. I have to assume the ratio of children watching kids open toys to pedophiles masturbating that same video has to be, I mean, 15 to 100.
Big J Okerson
And you know what? They probably say they're like, pedophile. Hey, their money's green. Like, that is definitely, definitely adjusted vacation for it.
Tim Dillon
If I was making a lot of money, I'd let a lot of guys jerk off to Max. Open it with cross gear.
Robert Kelly
What would the argument be that Max isn't aware of what's happening? Max is just over there showing how he can touch his toes Better and better.
Big J Okerson
Don't they make the most money of all the YouTube people? The kids that review toys, by far. Right, Right.
Tim Dillon
Is it really?
Big J Okerson
They make the most money out of everyone on YouTube except, like, maybe a Mr. Beast. Supposedly they make an abs, like, tens of millions. Like, something insane.
Tim Dillon
I'm gonna get Max a half mesh shirt and have him start opening up some Pokemon cards.
Robert Kelly
Max, get on all fours and open this with your mouth.
Big J Okerson
Hilarious. And it's still not working. You're talking to him. You're like, this isn't working.
Tim Dillon
I'm gonna get Don to show his hit.
Robert Kelly
In the background, Ryan Kaji of Ryan's World owns substantial incomes, some estimating. Forbes reporting 22 million. And later 29.5 million per year.
Big J Okerson
That is the pay of, like, the CEO of Goldman Sachs. Do you know what I mean?
Robert Kelly
Like, pennies to Nate Bargazzi, but not.
Big J Okerson
Not as much as Nate, but like.
Robert Kelly
Pennies to Nate Bargass.
Big J Okerson
That's to make $29 million.
Tim Dillon
Open up a carnival ride. What is he getting his own amusement park?
Robert Kelly
Nateland.
Tim Dillon
Yeah, it's happening. You should open up Tim Dillon Land.
Big J Okerson
What a great amusement park.
Tim Dillon
But it's just rides with food.
Big J Okerson
It's just people sitting in, like, a really nice restaurant, and they're just watching videos of 9 11.
Tim Dillon
Yeah, but you get.
Big J Okerson
I Just recreate Windows on the World.
Tim Dillon
But you get to ride to the next restaurant. Yeah, we do.
Robert Kelly
Like a room. It's like a Tim's land of adventures. And it's just him sitting in a chair. Tim's adventure.
Big J Okerson
Is he making a theme? Nate's gonna have a theme park.
Robert Kelly
He wants to.
Tim Dillon
Yeah, he's gonna have awesome Nateland. Nateland.
Big J Okerson
That's awesome.
Robert Kelly
I mean, I have to assume that's what it would be called.
Tim Dillon
Nateland.
Big J Okerson
That's fun.
Tim Dillon
It's crazy.
Big J Okerson
That's sick.
Tim Dillon
Awesome him. I wonder if we're gonna get like. Is he gonna make us pay?
Big J Okerson
Yes.
Tim Dillon
You know what I mean? Are we gonna get free? Really?
Big J Okerson
Yes.
Robert Kelly
I'm gonna bring my. I'm gonna bring my diet Shasta can to what is something like a shitty southern drink. Tab Cola. If you bring a Tab Cola can you get in two for one.
Tim Dillon
You know, they could give us like a free day where he invites all of us. What's that?
Robert Kelly
Laura will walk us in.
Tim Dillon
She's the best. You'll definitely get free.
Robert Kelly
She's wife.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
We'd have to hook up with her.
Big J Okerson
Sounds like a fun thing to do. Come up with different rides, you know.
Tim Dillon
What ride would you come up with.
Big J Okerson
Something that you wouldn't make?
Robert Kelly
Well, yeah. Well, do you.
Big J Okerson
I mean, something that would be stopped. Tim. That I.
Robert Kelly
That idea you're having was what, the guy. And. And maybe you have the kind of money to do this. Yeah. No, I don't see a Nate Bargazzi.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
Would open up amusement park and really play by the regulations. It's gonna be a fun for all family thing. Any of us are gonna throw in on like an action park type thing. It's gonna be. I mean, the fact that Action. I never went there as a kid.
Tim Dillon
Broke my ribs.
Robert Kelly
It was out of my. It was out of my range.
Tim Dillon
When I did the snow tubing. That video. You saw that video right. Where I came down and I flew past the barriers and went into the air and snapped my ribs. That's Action Park.
Robert Kelly
Oh, was it action? I didn't know.
Big J Okerson
Supposedly there's a good documentary about it.
Robert Kelly
Great. Called Class Action Park. But I never been to the place. But the fact that one of the rides that exit, the first one, his baby was a. Just a slide that has a loop in it. Like a loop for a human. No track underneath you to keep you. And they eventually, when they realized when people would go up, if you didn't have enough momentum, you would just go in the loop and just clunk down on the top of the loop and they'd be stuck. So his solution wasn't to scrap that. It's not going to work. He just had him build a hatch up there so they can go rescue people who don't make the loop.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
Like when you get in this ride.
Tim Dillon
He didn't do physics.
Robert Kelly
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
He didn't know that everybody's different weight. And.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
Certain water has to push certain people in.
Robert Kelly
No number on the amount of injuries, but I think at least a death per season.
Tim Dillon
Jesus.
Big J Okerson
Look at this. That was great.
Robert Kelly
There it is. That's so great.
Tim Dillon
But that's awesome.
Robert Kelly
What?
Tim Dillon
Imagine being the first person to go.
Robert Kelly
It's physically impossible for us.
Tim Dillon
Yeah. People made it.
Big J Okerson
Look at.
Tim Dillon
There's a guy making it right now.
Big J Okerson
I mean, I never left there without getting bloody.
Robert Kelly
Bloody.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, bloody. You got caught, especially. There was a concrete mountain. You got on like a. I can't believe that. Terrifying. Somehow allowed.
Robert Kelly
Yeah, yeah. You let your children. It's the latest term, abortion, but, yeah, you just. The latest term. You get 12 years old and you're like, I'm sick of this kid. I'm gonna throw him through. Impossible rides, but they usually have, like.
Tim Dillon
Five people at the top, making everybody wait and then looking down and then go and go. There's like, one dude not even paying attention. It's like, people.
Robert Kelly
Also the pool. Like, the pool that everyone just kind of floated in was also the landing pad for a water slide that shot you out of the middle of a cliff. And then you'd go careening on people, but there was people at the bottom. So if you weren't watching, a human being could just land on your head from deadly height.
Tim Dillon
That's like those wave pools where there's, like 3 million people in it and there's no room to even breathe. And these, like in China. You ever see that?
Robert Kelly
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
Oh, that's terrifying.
Robert Kelly
I'd say I did a water slide when I was younger that was like 90 degrees straight down. And I remember when I landed on. You know, when you come out and go on that long path, I was like. I was like, oh, my God. I go. I felt like so much water shot, like, up my ass, like, to my eyeballs. And then I went in the wave pool, and I was like. I thought I had to fart, so I farted in the wave pool. And then I was like, oh, no. I shit my pants.
Tim Dillon
Oh, God.
Robert Kelly
But I reached down to. I was like, is that what just happened? Cause it didn't feel like shit necessarily. I was like, oh, I shit my pants. And then I reached back and felt the force of that water. Ripped the lining out of my bathing suit and shoved it up my ass. Inside my ass. I shit my own lining of my bathing suit. Bathing suit.
Tim Dillon
So there's no poo in the pool.
Robert Kelly
I didn't poop. But I can't believe that the force of that. You shouldn't ride something where the water could impale you on your own bathing suit lining. That's crazy. But they have ones. I think people do die on them. They try to say, like. It's like. No. The way the wind and everything works. Like you can almost go on a slide that like goes like you're forward almost because your back stays against the thing. And then people just inevitably always just fall forward and die.
Tim Dillon
I love that this place had real rapids for the tubes.
Big J Okerson
It looks so fun, though.
Robert Kelly
People said it was so fun.
Big J Okerson
I was scared at the same time.
Tim Dillon
That's nuts.
Robert Kelly
Nothing was tested. Everything was tested by the first employees they ever got. And I mean, like children. It'll be like. If you were like, Paco, what do you think? Is this thing safe? And Paco went. I guess. I guess it was like the town.
Big J Okerson
Teenagers that were there for summer jobs.
Robert Kelly
Yeah, there you go. There. There was. That was the other thing. There was a. The, like the. Like the rapid river, the raging river where you get on the inner tubes. Like one corner of it was just too sharp.
Big J Okerson
Did you see that?
Robert Kelly
It was too sharp.
Tim Dillon
They were flying in tubes in the air. Like Evil Knievel.
Robert Kelly
Yeah. But there's that one. The. The tube. Like whatever. The rapid river thing. Yeah, there was a corner of it that just didn't work. Every. Yes, everybody. So that's what just happened. Everyone smashed up in that. There was it. Go back a little bit. They showed it for a second. Everyone just smashes up into it and. And it's like a pile up. It's before this.
Tim Dillon
They're drinking huge things of beer, just getting shit face going down dangerous rides with their.
Robert Kelly
Oh, that's the move. I assume it. That would be the. It's. What happened. Your parents would get.
Big J Okerson
This was scary. The concrete. Yeah, I almost. I thought I was gonna fly off of it.
Robert Kelly
Concrete. Concrete luge.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
That one's right here. Look. Yeah. They only show for a second, but everybody screams each other.
Tim Dillon
Look at this right here. Watch this. Watch these people fly in the air on a. Looks like a sled in water. That guy's a pervert. Yeah, that creep. Right?
Big J Okerson
The best thing ever is The. The line. No one would give him insurance, so he created his own insurance company. This is a great country. You know, it was.
Robert Kelly
The guy meant well. The guy wasn't a lunatic. He was like, I just want to make it amusement park where kids can come enjoy them, but also do the craziest things they never thought because you shouldn't. That one you were such forgot about. That's the most dangerous one they have.
Tim Dillon
The one.
Robert Kelly
It's a concrete luge. So they put you in a thing where you're like all concrete on either side and you sit on a skateboard, essentially. And they just fire down these things and you just fly. Flying off and roll down.
Tim Dillon
They actually fire you down the mountain. It's actually a ski resort in the winter and in the summer they would make it this thing. They still do it. This place is still there.
Big J Okerson
Is it still there?
Tim Dillon
It's still there.
Robert Kelly
No, no, no.
Tim Dillon
I think they still do a little the loose.
Robert Kelly
Completely closed down.
Tim Dillon
Is it all gone?
Robert Kelly
Completely closed.
Big J Okerson
Well, is there one thing where it was like this was the thing?
Tim Dillon
Are you sure?
Robert Kelly
I wonder. Look at. Look that up.
Tim Dillon
I think they have a couple things there, like the luge, but it's not.
Robert Kelly
I think it's done.
Tim Dillon
They have these things in, like Kentucky now where it's like. They call it a mountain roller coaster.
Big J Okerson
Right.
Tim Dillon
Where it's attached to a track so you. You can go fast, but you can't fly off it. Because back then it was just a piece of wood with wheels. Go down a mountain and you would fly and have brakes, but if you didn't plot the brakes, you'd shoot it to the tree line. Yeah, this was.
Big J Okerson
That's exactly what this was. It was.
Robert Kelly
It's not open. It closed in 96. Oh. And then it was transformed into Mountain Creek water park, which also closed.
Tim Dillon
Oh, it's the water park.
Robert Kelly
Yeah. And now it's a condominium development, restaurant and parking for the ski resort.
Tim Dillon
Because I believe when I got hurt, they asked, they gave me all this coupons to come back in the summer.
Robert Kelly
That's.
Tim Dillon
That's always smart, isn't it, the winter, to ski or do the water park thing?
Robert Kelly
Yeah, I only use the free passes. Back when I would complain about talking black people movie theaters, they would always give you free tickets. What if you go complain about the talking black people at a movie theater? They're not going to go. Stop them.
Tim Dillon
It doesn't happen.
Robert Kelly
They will give you free tickets.
Tim Dillon
They don't do that where I live.
Big J Okerson
Oh, they don't do that.
Tim Dillon
Not where I live.
Robert Kelly
Let blacks in the movies.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, everything's corporate.
Tim Dillon
If I went to complain about black people in the movie theater where I live, they'd be like, you're lying.
Robert Kelly
By the way, I meant to say I took Christina Red Lobster yesterday. We made a big deal about that. As I jamir quad to my seat, Christine went from saying she thinks she hates Red Lobster because it made her sick to thinking, now I believe that it's fine seafood dining.
Tim Dillon
Really.
Robert Kelly
She had a mahi mahi. She was blown away.
Big J Okerson
Here's the thing with Red Lobster.
Tim Dillon
You can't. Tim knows.
Big J Okerson
You can't not enjoy it.
Tim Dillon
Sure.
Big J Okerson
You can't not enjoy a Red Lobster because, like, there's something that when you're in Red Lobster, you go, we're all in it together. You look at the gang member and his girlfriend who's underage and pregnant. You look at the elderly people who are about to die. You look at, like, a. Like a weird Ukrainian doing Medicare fraud. And everyone's just eating Walt's favorite shrimp.
Robert Kelly
I had an Arabic baby, and I saw an Arabic baby yesterday was sitting there. And that family was enjoying themselves, too. Yeah, the baby was the only one who enjoyed me jameer quieting to my seat.
Big J Okerson
But it's the only thing left that America has, really, is those shitty chain restaurants. When you go into, like, a Chili's, it's really the last thing that any of us can relate to.
Robert Kelly
But Red Lobster, going there last night, there is something about those. I'm not Applebee's and Chili's. It's not even like the. I'm too good for it in any way. It's just I never really like the stuff in there, but the specified ones. Outback Steakhouse.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
I'm fine. When I go, it's because I wanted Outback Steakhouse, not because I wanted a great steak.
Big J Okerson
No, you don't want Mexican food.
Robert Kelly
I want the Taco Bell. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I want the brown bread.
Tim Dillon
I like Texas Roadhouse. Roadhouse.
Big J Okerson
You get the. You get the cinnamon bun.
Tim Dillon
Cinnamon buns. Yeah. And you get to pick your steak. And you think it's the steak in the window, but it's really.
Big J Okerson
No, it's really not that.
Tim Dillon
They switch that out in the back. It's a trick.
Big J Okerson
And I still think the King and I'll die on this hill. I believe the King and I believe you light up when you're on the road and you know that there's one. There is a fucking mall. Cheesecake Factory. A mall. I will. I will Die on this hill. A mall Cheesecake Factory would change your day.
Robert Kelly
You're not going to die on that hill because you have backup.
Big J Okerson
I also actually, frankly, we're both going to die on that hill.
Tim Dillon
You're going to both die in that mall. Having the turkey chili.
Robert Kelly
I know, I know my order. I got the Thai lettuce wraps for the table.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
And then I do what's called the Renee special, which is half a chicken salad sandwich. Which isn't a half, it's a whole. Right. Salad and soup. And that's consistent everywhere. Cheese.
Big J Okerson
What's great about the Renee special is it's literally a full sandwich. They call a half sandwich only two halves.
Robert Kelly
It's two halves.
Big J Okerson
It's literally a full sandwich.
Tim Dillon
Well, what do you get with the half? You get in a soup or something.
Robert Kelly
You get a cup of soup. Get a cup of cream and a. You could choose Caesar cream.
Big J Okerson
Yeah. Or you could choose a salad. But let's be honest.
Robert Kelly
No, no. It's both.
Big J Okerson
Oh, it's both.
Robert Kelly
Very special is a soup and salad. Now, Cheesecake Factory, I'll tell you as it is a road haven. Yeah. Now offers everyday one cream and one broth soup.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
They listened when you're in the.
Tim Dillon
What about a Grand Lux, which is.
Big J Okerson
Here's my system. Here's my problem with the grand locks.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
I'll tell you exactly what my problem is.
Tim Dillon
Okay.
Big J Okerson
Who the do you think you are?
Robert Kelly
I agree. I agree.
Big J Okerson
You know what I mean? It's, it's, it's that Grand Lux. Oh, is it.
Tim Dillon
It's a chair.
Robert Kelly
It's the same chairs.
Tim Dillon
They're trying to be a little uppity.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
The same chairs. The Cheesecake Factory with just different designs in the, in the, in the hollow wood.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
On the back of the seats. It is almost identical.
Big J Okerson
A little more make you say something stupid. You're like, I guess I'll have the Moroccan steak skewer. It's like, what are we doing?
Tim Dillon
It's a little uppity.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
What about a PF Changs?
Big J Okerson
Always, always, always. But I just think there's something about a Cheesecake Factory when you're on the road and maybe you're Columbus, Ohio or something like that, you end up in a mall with a Cheesecake Factory.
Robert Kelly
Cincinnati at the funny Bono out there. Cheesecake Factory right across the street.
Big J Okerson
A Wisconsin improv, a Milwaukee improv. You end up at a Cheesecake Factory. That's not the worst night, is it?
Tim Dillon
Remember the night we were in Austin and we couldn't find One place to go.
Big J Okerson
We drove around for three hours looking for food one night and just screaming and cursing this horrible place.
Tim Dillon
He almost sold his house the next day.
Big J Okerson
I was so mad.
Robert Kelly
In Austin.
Tim Dillon
We were in Austin. There was.
Robert Kelly
Whenever I go late night Austin, I'm like, what should you get? It's. It's P. Terry's or. They're like, you could drive up by the airport for a really shitty taco.
Tim Dillon
There's nothing. There's nothing.
Robert Kelly
I don't.
Big J Okerson
There's never been a place that is less of what people claim it is. Everyone's like, it's wild, it's crazy. There's no rules. You're like, all right, can I eat after nine? They're like, no. They're like, no, you can't do that. You're like, okay, yeah.
Robert Kelly
You can't watch 15 girls with their asses and snatches hanging out fist fighting on the street.
Big J Okerson
They're like, we respect the law here. I'm like, I just walked through a 15 person brawl. Yeah, it was broken up by a horse.
Robert Kelly
A horse cop.
Big J Okerson
A horse horse cop.
Robert Kelly
I'll tell you what.
Tim Dillon
What I saw five guys throw bowie knives at a. At an old bank. They had the boards on the window and they just pulled over broad daylight and threw big buoy knives and stuck them in, pulled them out and then took off. And nobody said anything.
Big J Okerson
It's a strange.
Robert Kelly
That city is not at all everyone. And when I'm on the road, I feel like it's the place most. When if I meet a young comic, they're like, I think I'm doing. I'm making the move to Austin like in a couple months. And you're like. To perform where.
Tim Dillon
Well, they don't go to LA anymore. LA is not a choice to. Everybody's going to either New York or Austin.
Big J Okerson
Yeah. I think it's still a nice place to live though.
Robert Kelly
I was gonna say, I still think it's a much better. I think LA is a better choice by far.
Big J Okerson
Well, here's the thing.
Robert Kelly
Absolute cheaper. Cheaper weather.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
But money, money, money, money. You moved to Austin as a comic la, you're gonna live in a hole.
Big J Okerson
La, you have to. If you're gonna live in la, you have to have. You got to work at those clubs.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
Which are great clubs. They're fun clubs. And you gotta live somewhere in the vicinity of that so you don't spend your entire life on a highway.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
This might be bold. And Jacob, you're gonna love this. I'd rather if I was going for the money. Because I think it's a similar money thing. Florida or Texas. I think I'd go Florida.
Big J Okerson
Florida, 1000. There's no question.
Tim Dillon
20 million. I would go to Florida. I would get a beautiful condo on the beach.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
Not have to take care of anything.
Big J Okerson
Right.
Tim Dillon
Have a gym, everything right there. Maybe a little walking path.
Big J Okerson
The thing about Florida is no one's really like, no one cares about anything. Even like my crazy political friends in Florida that you think they're really political. Like halfway through a point they'll go, whatever. Like they're no one give a. Can't care that much.
Tim Dillon
I go to an AA meeting on the beach with a bunch of old.
Big J Okerson
You just sit there and eat fish dip.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
It's so great. It's like, you're like, fish is good.
Tim Dillon
Just get a gun.
Big J Okerson
But if you put it in a thing with cream cheese and just eat it like a monster at 3pm you just start smoking cigarettes in Florida.
Tim Dillon
You go, why not smoke? I quit smoking again.
Big J Okerson
You just start smoking cigarettes.
Tim Dillon
I'd roll them up in my sleeve.
Big J Okerson
Oh, it's great.
Robert Kelly
It really is. But you have to, even if you live there, you have to feel like you're an observer. You can't go native down there.
Big J Okerson
No.
Tim Dillon
What do you mean you can't.
Robert Kelly
You have to always be acknowledging that you are in a place full of human rat people.
Big J Okerson
You got to go, like, I'm doing a thing.
Robert Kelly
Yes.
Tim Dillon
You can't be them.
Robert Kelly
No, you can't be them.
Tim Dillon
You can't go, woo.
Robert Kelly
I don't know where that Southern charm stops. Right at the fucking southern border of Georgia or something. But it is not that, that I haven't seen, I haven't seen the Florida people are talking about yet. We're like, oh, there's a southern part, but you have to go landlocked. But anywhere I ever go is a place of just the trashiest transplant pieces of garbage. And the people that are from there even worse.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
Your Captain Brian's for instance.
Tim Dillon
Oh, yeah. Where they like, yeah, Florida. They think they're flora royalty. Where they're just a T shirt with a pocket and a suit jacket.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, yeah.
Robert Kelly
Mike Calta, though, is royalty.
Tim Dillon
Yeah. Florida, he's still. But he's still Staten island scum. Yeah, he's still, he's still just a guinea from Staten Island.
Big J Okerson
I think every guy, everybody who's lived in the east, like the Northeast, even when they go down to Florida, they, they, they still, they don't consider it their home.
Tim Dillon
No, no, they're still.
Robert Kelly
I feel like our friend Michelle does.
Big J Okerson
Michelle's mentally unwell.
Robert Kelly
Yeah, she is mentally unwell. But that is a place where you go and it goes. I'm really gonna.
Big J Okerson
Michelle.
Robert Kelly
I'm gonna put roots in Florida.
Big J Okerson
Going to an eight hour extras. An eight hour lecture with the lead exorcist of the Catholic church. Oh, this woman has gone so completely insane. I love her too.
Robert Kelly
I mean, that's why.
Big J Okerson
But she's gone nuts. I mean, she's. There's an exorcist at the Catholic church. Like the head one. Yeah. And she's going to see him speak for eight hours. Where? In some. Somewhere. I don't know.
Tim Dillon
Is he giving an ex? I mean, does he.
Big J Okerson
I hope he does something.
Robert Kelly
Somebody better float.
Tim Dillon
Yeah.
Robert Kelly
Or throw up. You better have somebody throw up or something.
Big J Okerson
Some David Blaine.
Robert Kelly
I need somebody to levitate. Michelle's our friend. She's the one who did ha. The Musical many years ago. Her friend Michelle.
Tim Dillon
I'm so sad I didn't see that.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Tim Dillon
Such a weird thing.
Robert Kelly
Were you in it?
Big J Okerson
Yes, I was in it because Kevin Farley was away.
Robert Kelly
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
And I took his place.
Tim Dillon
I got it. That makes sense. What?
Robert Kelly
You played the host.
Big J Okerson
I was just the host.
Robert Kelly
And he had the host. But poor Kevin Farley, he never memorized any of his lines. That was my favorite, one of my favorite impressions. He would come and they had them all written down for him, basically different parts that he could grab the things and he would say the words. Oh yeah. As his buffer for everything. Like comedy isn't just in the comedy clubs. Oh yeah. It's out there all around us, living it every day. And you know another thing. Oh yeah. The one time we did. There was a line in it. There was a line in it that said it was talking about Lenny Bruce, like the people who started comedy or the legends. And it was about Lenny Bruce and he goes. The line was not until a drug addicted Jew or a heroin addicted Jew from Brooklyn said blah, blah, blah. And on a matinee. We did one matinee show when Kevin was doing it. And that was the show that David Spade and David Tell came to watch together.
Tim Dillon
Wow.
Robert Kelly
And like. And Soder also who sat right in front of them while they were. And Kevin Farley was nervous. He was very nervous, this whole thing. And I don't think he knows Attell enough to get like what a tell's humor is there. It's a light audience. It's a matinee. And when. When Kevin Farley goes. And then a heroin Addicted Jew from Brooklyn. And Attel just goes easy, which was so funny. And in the back, it frazzled Kevin. He was like. He's like. And he was yelling at Michelle. He's like, I told you that line was no good. Now David tell's mad cause I'm making Jew jokes. But you really should have come see the air.
Big J Okerson
She really wouldn't direct it. She would go like you would ask her what to do and she'd go, do it. Feels good. Do it. Feels right. You go, yeah, but we don't understand.
Tim Dillon
Look at that theater queen Lewis in the back where he really wants to be.
Robert Kelly
Oh, my God. Absolutely.
Tim Dillon
He does not want to be the rattlesnake. He wants to be theater queen. He wants to be off Broadway singing musicals.
Big J Okerson
What year was this? 20.
Robert Kelly
2014. Wow. I mean, Lewis, if, if, if society would allow it, Lewis would constantly have his leg up on a bar in front of a mirror doing bar work.
Tim Dillon
Do you think. Do you think Lewis mouths James's. When he's. James is doing a play, he mouths the lines.
Robert Kelly
Absolutely he does. We worked on this, buddy.
Big J Okerson
Is this ever filmed? Is there anything? No, I just know nothing. I have one.
Robert Kelly
The unrehearsed one from Skank Fest.
Tim Dillon
Why. Why have we not heard it?
Robert Kelly
I mean, it was just.
Big J Okerson
It.
Tim Dillon
It just had a couple runs. It had like a run at the.
Big J Okerson
Triad Theater and then we did it at Skank Fest.
Tim Dillon
I think think once or twice. Some of the songs.
Robert Kelly
Some of the songs.
Tim Dillon
Do you remember the songs?
Robert Kelly
I remember my song.
Tim Dillon
What's your song?
Robert Kelly
Crowd work.
Tim Dillon
How's it go?
Robert Kelly
I do crowd work. It might not look like hard work. I don't remember the conversational maniac.
Tim Dillon
Somebody does.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, it would catch. Some of them are catchy.
Robert Kelly
I go crowd where comedy is something in disguise. And now stop doing comedy. And then I would do crowd work.
Tim Dillon
Why don't you open up your special with us?
Robert Kelly
And I would. 2, 3, 4. Then I would do my little cane dancing and dancing around. I. It was lovely.
Big J Okerson
And then Michelle would just sit in the back and laugh and clap. She had no idea what was going on.
Robert Kelly
She was clueless.
Tim Dillon
I would love to.
Big J Okerson
She was just drunk.
Robert Kelly
She's my favorite person in the world because she lives. She puts somehow full time effort into what I can only describe as passion projects and ideas. I don't. In between, she'll be like, I just got a major job writing on a major TV show. They're giving me a ton of money. And then that's like, that place sucked. I'm Gonna go back and do a thing about, you know, what if Anne Frank was a gay black guy?
Big J Okerson
Dude. We went. Me and Lewis went to the opening night. She was doing a play about this drag queen who was also a psychic medium who was terrible at it.
Robert Kelly
I mean, terrible.
Big J Okerson
He would always get it wrong.
Tim Dillon
I was terrible not being dragged. But at the psychic part.
Big J Okerson
No, in the psychic part. In the middle of the show. And Jay knows this with, like.
Robert Kelly
It was crazy, buddy. This was one of my favorite. Me and Josh Adamyers went to one of the nights there, and we were like. Because he does. We think we found out his. His shtick is to go check Facebook. Someone we know was like. The stuff that he said was stuff that I'd posted on Facebook. It was too verbatim something I posted on Facebook. So that's what it is. They're getting people's name and it is. Even Michelle knows. It was like. Oh, it's just like any televangelist or something. It's magically. You have to write your full name and address down the thing. So someone in the back is going, margaret Wilson. You getting a Margaret Wilson or something? So he was doing all that stuff, but he had these songs in between Vicious. So we were. Me and Josh were doing it because. Well, I got no strings to hold me down to hold me down to hold me down Miss, you had a son who killed himself, correct? Yes. He goes. He misses you terribly. And he wants you to know that it was mostly a mistake. He wishes he didn't do it. 5, 6, 7, 8. I got no straight. He has to go back into these, like, bubbly songs. And it's. The story's like, I was beaten into being gay and psychic when I was a child. And then she had her son Leo had to play the beaten gay kid.
Big J Okerson
Right?
Robert Kelly
I love her. She can do. She can do no wrong for me she's been working since we stopped doing Holly Musical. She's been working on a play about plastic surgery. And it's always about to come out.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, it's. It's four years.
Robert Kelly
Always about to come out.
Big J Okerson
Always coming out.
Robert Kelly
But doctors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's working with doctors and bots. She gets in there. She knows what she's doing. She belongs to every Soho house. She has an Emmy that she uses as an earrings holder in her room. She doesn't give a. Yeah.
Tim Dillon
Where is she now?
Robert Kelly
Florida.
Big J Okerson
Florida.
Tim Dillon
She's in Florida.
Robert Kelly
Back and forth.
Big J Okerson
Florida island off Fort Myers.
Tim Dillon
Oh, my God.
Big J Okerson
Destroyed by a hurricane.
Robert Kelly
Except her house. She's Also a woman who goes to mass every day, right. 100 days.
Big J Okerson
She goes best friends. Like a nun. Oh, yeah.
Tim Dillon
Like wildly Catholic.
Robert Kelly
And I send Isabella to her with reckless abandon. She got in a crazy car accident. Somebody T boned her.
Big J Okerson
Seven people died except her.
Tim Dillon
So she goes to church every time.
Big J Okerson
Everyone died except her.
Robert Kelly
Everyone died for her. Two hurricanes in this island. Her house survives both. The only house that survives both. Then she's in a car accident.
Tim Dillon
Is it in the shape of a cross?
Big J Okerson
There's Jesus on a cross at one of her houses.
Robert Kelly
Oh, yeah. Up in Hudson. She bought in Mexico. A full size Jesus on a cross. It's menacing to say the least.
Tim Dillon
It's.
Robert Kelly
And it's looking down you and it's bloody and it's upset. It's upset with the decisions you've made.
Tim Dillon
I want one of those.
Robert Kelly
I know you do. What was he just saying though? About. Oh, yeah, Car accident. She was in a major car accident where people died. She's the only survivor of this accident. But she was shot at it for the car door. The thing imploded, door flies open. She gets it lands on her feet, goes up to another car and goes, am I a ghost? She thought she got fucking Patrick Swayze ed out of her body. She spit glass out of her unharmed.
Big J Okerson
Do you she.
Tim Dillon
And landed on her feet.
Robert Kelly
Yes.
Tim Dillon
And then walked up to a car where her.
Big J Okerson
She, she.
Robert Kelly
She came in her feet and, and, and hit a car. You know, her body like went up to a car, was like, am I a ghost?
Big J Okerson
Glass fell out of her mouth.
Robert Kelly
Yes. She just spit out glass.
Big J Okerson
She said, are you seeing me? Am I real?
Robert Kelly
Am I real?
Tim Dillon
That's awesome.
Big J Okerson
And then two days later, like three days later, got on a flight to New York to do this thing. It's insane to do this play. Just play like ptsd.
Tim Dillon
Wow.
Robert Kelly
She's like. She goes, oh, it's no big. I just don't drive on highways ever again. Okay. Yeah. Am I alive?
Big J Okerson
She somehow snuck into the Trump, like victory party and she's like FaceTiming. She's like at. At Margo, like dancing, like, how did you get it? Like, she got in somehow.
Robert Kelly
And by the way, she's also during all this wearing yoga pants and like a button down shirt. Yeah.
Tim Dillon
Is she rich? I think we don't know.
Robert Kelly
She could be. Listen, she could be filthy rich or there's an outside shot she has zero money at all whatsoever.
Big J Okerson
None of us know it's actually.
Tim Dillon
So she could be loaded or nothing.
Robert Kelly
She's one of those people. She'll have. She has like a fifty thousand dollar, like bag and. But also like takes flights where it's cheaper because you're jumping off on a layover, but you can never check your bags ever. Like, she'll take the shittiest flights with a zillion connections. That doesn't bother. But like, when she wants something. So I don't know, it's one of those things.
Big J Okerson
She's like, she weirdly will be at like, you know, staying at the nicest hotel in New York, but then she'll use a travel app that no one's heard of because it's used primarily in the third world. She's like, yeah, I'm using Luna. I go, what the hell are you talking about? So no one knows.
Robert Kelly
Holy Tim Dillon, always a pleasure to have you with us. The special Congratulations, I'm your mother. Streaming right now. Check out that promo. Check out the special on Netflix.
Big J Okerson
Appreciate it.
Robert Kelly
Absolutely hilarious. Everyone, I'll be at Moon Tower this weekend. Bobby's gonna be in Austin as well. Yeah, doing the mothership. But don't worry, tickets are sold. Second half my special coming out Sunday.
Tim Dillon
Sunday night.
Robert Kelly
Sunday night. We're gonna premiere it at Moon Tower. Bobby's gonna be the moderator for the Q A on Saturday. Saturday, not Sunday. Sunday comes out Sunday. Saturday we're premiering it.
Tim Dillon
I can't wait for that.
Big J Okerson
It's gonna be fun.
Robert Kelly
We'll figure it all out. Timmy, great to see you, my man.
Big J Okerson
Thank you, brother. Appreciate it.
Tim Dillon
Good to see you, brother. Congratulations.
Robert Kelly
You guys enjoy tomorrow's pre record. And we will. Vitamin Water was born in New York because New Yorkers wanted more like more flavor to go with all the flavor.
Big J Okerson
A refreshing drink after climbing six flights of stairs to a walk up apartment.
Robert Kelly
Or standing in the subway station in 100 degree heat. Focus when I have an 8 hour shift. And XXX after I was out all night at a club called xxx, drink Vitamin water. It's from New York. Substance use disorder and addiction is so isolating.
Big J Okerson
And so as a black woman in.
Robert Kelly
Recovery, hope must be loud. It grows louder when you ask for.
Big J Okerson
Help and you're vulnerable.
Robert Kelly
It is the thread that lets you.
Big J Okerson
Know that no matter what happens, you will be okay.
Robert Kelly
When we learn the power of hope recovery is possible. Find out how@startwithhope.com brought to you by the National Council for Mental well Being Shatterproof and the Ad Council.
Podcast Summary: The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Episode: "Jesus Nut with Tim Dillon" (April 24, 2025)
In this engaging episode of The Bonfire, hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly welcome comedian Tim Dillon as their special guest. The trio delves into a myriad of topics ranging from the challenges of navigating cancel culture in comedy, aviation safety, self-defense laws, the rise of child influencers, the notorious dangers of amusement parks, to the struggles of former celebrities transitioning to everyday jobs. Throughout the conversation, their trademark blunt humor and unfiltered honesty shine, providing listeners with a blend of insightful commentary and side-splitting anecdotes.
The episode kicks off with a candid discussion about the pervasive influence of cancel culture on the comedy scene. Big Jay shares his frustration with media outlets questioning the nature of his comedy special:
Big Jay Oakerson [02:01]: "It's kind of about my mother and stuff. They're like, is Cancel Culture canceled? I'm like, what's. Is that a question?"
Robert Kelly echoes this sentiment, emphasizing the resilience of stand-up comedians despite societal pressures:
Robert Kelly [02:18]: "We have always done this. Nothing really changed."
Tim Dillon adds a humorous twist, suggesting exaggerated measures comedians might take to align with current trends:
Tim Dillon [02:21]: "You have to get a thigh flag tattoo."
A substantial portion of the conversation centers around aviation safety, specifically focusing on the critical component known as the "Jesus nut"—the main rotor retaining nut in helicopters. The hosts recount personal experiences involving near-miss incidents and mechanical failures.
Big Jay narrates a harrowing flight experience:
Big Jay Oakerson [09:04]: "It was the scariest experience you had as an adult. Like, I thought it was done."
Tim Dillon humorously expresses his distrust in aviation maintenance:
Tim Dillon [12:04]: "There's one thing that really holds the entire thing together. If that's messed up, you're fucked."
The trio emphasizes the importance of proper maintenance and the dire consequences of neglecting it, interspersed with their characteristic humor.
The conversation shifts to self-defense laws, particularly the Castle Doctrine, and the varying interpretations across different states. Robert Kelly passionately discusses the right to defend one's home:
Robert Kelly [19:54]: "Man's house is his castle. If he's on your property, you can blast that fool."
Big Jay and Tim Dillon engage in a playful yet edgy debate about hypothetical scenarios involving intruders, blending humor with serious undertones about gun ownership and legal implications.
Robert Kelly raises concerns about the rapid ascent of child influencers on platforms like YouTube, highlighting the financial exploitation involved:
Robert Kelly [47:50]: "Ryan's World owns substantial incomes, some estimating. Forbes reporting 22 million. And later 29.5 million per year."
The hosts discuss the ethical dilemmas surrounding child actors and influencers, questioning the sustainability and moral responsibility of monetizing children's content.
The trio reminisces about the notorious Action Park, infamous for its perilous rides. Tim Dillon shares a personal anecdote about a snow tubing accident:
Tim Dillon [50:15]: "I flew past the barriers and went into the air and snapped my ribs. That's Action Park."
Robert Kelly and Big Jay contribute stories of past injuries and the lack of safety measures, painting a vivid picture of the park's chaotic environment.
Shifting focus, the hosts humorously touch upon the plight of former celebrities and comedians now working regular jobs. Robert Kelly reflects on acquaintances who have transitioned to roles like driving for Uber or working at Trader Joe’s:
Robert Kelly [42:22]: "A lot of former celebrities are driving Uber now. They were friends with Christine [clarifying as a mutual acquaintance]."
The discussion underscores the fleeting nature of fame and the challenges faced by individuals in maintaining their status and income post-peak.
Throughout the episode, Tim Dillon takes moments to promote his latest comedy special, "I'm Your Mother," available on Netflix. The hosts engage in playful banter about the special, blending promotional content seamlessly with their humorous interactions.
Tim Dillon [75:40]: "Tim Dillon's new special, I'm your mother, available right now on Netflix."
As the episode concludes, the hosts and guest engage in light-hearted jabs and humorous exchanges, wrapping up the episode on a high note with promises of future events and continued comedic endeavors.
Big Jay Oakerson [02:01]: "It's kind of about my mother and stuff. They're like, is Cancel Culture canceled? I'm like, what's. Is that a question?"
Robert Kelly [02:18]: "We have always done this. Nothing really changed."
Tim Dillon [02:21]: "You have to get a thigh flag tattoo."
Big Jay Oakerson [09:04]: "It was the scariest experience you had as an adult. Like, I thought it was done."
Tim Dillon [12:04]: "There's one thing that really holds the entire thing together. If that's messed up, you're fucked."
Robert Kelly [19:54]: "Man's house is his castle. If he's on your property, you can blast that fool."
Robert Kelly [47:50]: "Ryan's World owns substantial incomes, some estimating. Forbes reporting 22 million. And later 29.5 million per year."
Tim Dillon [50:15]: "I flew past the barriers and went into the air and snapped my ribs. That's Action Park."
Tim Dillon [75:40]: "Tim Dillon's new special, I'm your mother, available right now on Netflix."
This episode of The Bonfire masterfully intertwines humor with insightful commentary on contemporary issues affecting the comedy industry and beyond. Through personal stories, sharp observations, and witty exchanges, Big Jay Oakerson, Robert Kelly, and Tim Dillon provide listeners with both entertainment and thoughtful perspectives. Whether discussing the intricacies of cancel culture, the vital importance of safety in aviation, or the ethical concerns surrounding child influencers, the conversation remains both engaging and enlightening, embodying the essence of what makes The Bonfire a standout show on SiriusXM’s Faction Talk channel.