Jihad Jacob

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly – Episode: "Jihad Jacob"

Release Date: May 6, 2025

Hosts:

• Big Jay Oakerson
• Robert Kelly

Guest:

• Jacob

---

1. Opening Banter and Setting the Tone

Timestamp: 01:21 - 02:23

The episode kicks off with the trademark humor of hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly engaging in playful banter. They joke about music choices and set a lighthearted, comedic tone for the episode.

Notable Quote:

• Bobby Kelly [01:21]: "Do you see me? I see you, Jay."

2. Exploring Emotional Depth Through Cinema

Timestamp: 02:23 - 12:35

The conversation shifts to dissecting a poignant scene from a movie that resonates deeply with both hosts. Big Jay expresses his emotional connection to a father-child interaction where the father grapples with addiction and its impact on his family.

Notable Quotes:

• Big Jay Oakerson [02:06]: "It's the saddest scene to me in movie history. It hits home."
• Bobby Kelly [09:03]: "My mother did that to me... I lost it all night."

Through sharing their personal traumas and experiences with parental relationships, Jay and Bobby delve into themes of abandonment, emotional neglect, and the long-term effects these have on one's psyche.

3. Therapy and Personal Growth Discussions

Timestamp: 12:35 - 14:36

The duo humorously critiques the concept of therapy, debating its effectiveness and societal perceptions. They touch upon the stigma surrounding mental health and the challenges of addressing deep-seated personal issues.

Notable Quotes:

• Bobby Kelly [12:35]: "That's what Alan said to me... Move on."
• Big Jay Oakerson [14:34]: "If you become too healthy, what are we gonna do? We're just gonna be boring assholes..."

4. Introducing Jacob: A Playful Roast

Timestamp: 14:36 - 37:53

Jacob joins the conversation, becoming the target of the hosts' sharp and irreverent humor. They engage in a series of mock-serious debates, comparing him to infamous figures and using exaggerated terrorist analogies for comedic effect.

Notable Quotes:

• Big Jay Oakerson [07:14]: "So when you hear something that's really, really bad, you try to think that that's the one."
• Jacob [37:05]: "No, I love America too much."

The segment showcases the hosts' ability to blend dark humor with personal jabs, creating a dynamic and unpredictable conversational flow.

5. Satirical Celebrity Mockery

Timestamp: 29:35 - 56:00

Transitioning from personal anecdotes to broader pop culture commentary, Jay and Bobby shift their focus to various celebrities. They humorously critique the physical appearances and public personas of figures like Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Alba, and others, blending observational comedy with playful insults.

Notable Quotes:

• Bobby Kelly [50:07]: "Her mouth... She got big fat ankles."
• Big Jay Oakerson [50:36]: "You're a plain Jane. Use like a booty that smells."

This segment highlights their sharp wit and ability to find humor in celebrity culture, engaging listeners with relatable and entertaining critiques.

6. Interactive and Offensive Humor: The Jacob Terrorist Game

Timestamp: 34:19 - 39:55

In a controversial and edgy segment, the hosts engage in a game where they compare Jacob to various terrorist figures, pushing the boundaries of acceptable humor. This interaction underscores their willingness to tackle sensitive topics through satire and dark comedy.

Notable Quotes:

• Big Jay Oakerson [35:37]: "He's a Jacob."
• Jacob [37:23]: "I'm Brad Pitt compared to these jerk-offs."

While the humor here is provocative, it reflects the hosts' signature style of pushing comedic limits and engaging in unfiltered dialogues.

7. Closing Remarks and Final Jabs

Timestamp: 56:00 - 57:53

As the episode nears its end, the hosts continue their humorous exchanges, touching upon nostalgic references to movies and personal preferences in celebrities. Their camaraderie and unfiltered honesty remain central, leaving listeners with a mix of laughter and contemplation.

Notable Quotes:

• Bobby Kelly [57:32]: "You like Jessica Alba. Look at those hips."
• Big Jay Oakerson [57:34]: "That body is one line. Straight shoulders to ankles."

---

Conclusion

In this episode of The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, listeners are treated to a blend of deep personal storytelling and sharp, edgy humor. The hosts navigate through themes of family trauma, mental health, and pop culture with their characteristic bluntness and unfiltered honesty. Guest Jacob adds an extra layer of comedic tension, resulting in a dynamic and engaging episode that balances emotional depth with relentless humor.

Note: The content of this episode includes mature themes and offensive humor that may not be suitable for all audiences.

Transcript

[Bobby Kelly]

Hear that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

Terms and conditions apply. And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly. Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you see me? I see you, Jay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bonfire taxi talk series XM103. Big jail in the great Robert Kelly.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's up, buddy?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We'll start with a whole song every show. Put the Afghan wigs back on. We'll play that straight through.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that's not straight through. That's not. That's not. No, don't do that. That is not a singing song. What's up, pal?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's up, buddy?

[Bobby Kelly]

How are you?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm. Well.

[Bobby Kelly]

That is a really upbeat song and I'm surprised you like that song. That sounds more like my song that I would like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's one of my guilty pleasures. Like, my Christine hates it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You hate it. I. I don't hate it. I just don't love it. And Jay, like, really connects with it because he's alone. He's been alone his whole life. He sat on a floor, his belly watching TV by himself.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I tell you something we figured out on Legion of Skanks? That's a big step in my life.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're gay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

You love gay things.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's not a shocker, okay? Everybody knows that. No, this is Christine. Do me a favor. Can you go back to the saddest scene in all of movie history to me, please?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me find it.

[Bobby Kelly]

The saddest scene of movie history.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Saddest scene to me in movie history. It hits home. It's riding cars with boys. We know this. Riding cars at boys. Dad has to leave, comes home fucked up on drugs again. Drew Barrymore says to Steve Zahn, can't do this, buddy. You're fucking Our lives up Gotta send you away. He goes, has a conversation with the kid to have. It's. Ray is leaving, I believe is the clip. It's called he has to have a conversation with the child. Don't bring it up yet, though, until I say real quick. He goes in and tells the kid he has to leave. Mom thinks he should go. And, you know, he says some really sweet. He's like, you're gonna hear a lot of bad things about me. But out of every three bad things you hear, remember, just think that one of them's not true and make that the worst one sad. And he leaves and the kid grabs his toothbrush and goes rushing after him because he wants his dad. And he just drives off. And then he gets mad at the mom, which hit home too, because I know it makes me think about being shitty to my mom when I was younger, even though she took care of me. Do you have the scene up, Christine?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. It's not a great quality.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Doesn't matter. No, it doesn't matter. I know it doesn't matter. Watch what happens when he walks in the room. What's happening with this child I identify with?

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it going to be eating?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nope. You don't pause again. I just gave you. I just poured my goddamn heart out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Honey, I'm sorry. I just answered too quickly. He's going to be.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was a good answer. It was a fantastic answer. I take it all back.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hiding chocolate in his pillowcase.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was more of a wait up and sneak out and get stuff. Go ahead, Christine, play it. What do you see here? What does everybody notice about this scene? He walks in, talk to his father. Fucking tummy time. And that's what I did. I would. Tummy time. And that's where it's from. It's from my childhood. I've been tummy timing my whole life.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't watch this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My mom was on the couch watching tv. I'd be on my tummy on the floor. If she'd make me go to my room. I would lay on my tummy on the floor and try to watch TV through the crack in the door. Everything was tummy time. My whole life. And this kid. Why does the scene strike me so much? That's what I would be doing. Tummy time. Drawing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank God there's no sound on this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no. Turn the stand up.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He wants him to know he has to leave. His father's leaving. Christine, please.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hang on. Sorry. This is a. You made me watch this before. It's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's it's the saddest scene in any movie ever.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's sad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's so sad.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I mean, in some way though, living with dawn, there is a point where I'd be like, I would go through this just to be alone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, of course. Listen, you break Max's heart real quick.

[Bobby Kelly]

To have sex with other women.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But yeah, of course. Go ahead.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can skip ahead a little bit. The kid's oblivious.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, hey. Dad just kills me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's oblivious.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He thinks his dad's the coolest. Still, he doesn't know he's a up.

[Bobby Kelly]

But your dad isn't a up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's a good player. My dad?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I don't know. No, I'm not saying your dad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean as a father. He was.

[Bobby Kelly]

But did he hit him? He didn't hit him or anything.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just a drug addict.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just a drug addict. So he's not really a fuck up to the kid?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think he's up.

[Bobby Kelly]

But the kid doesn't know about that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The kid thinks he is the watch. Oh, it's so can I come? He can't go with him. Why can't I come? Jacob, you're a. Whose father loved him?

[Jacob]

Yeah, my dad stayed. So I don't get your weep fest here. Dude, your weakness.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You. What'd your dad stay?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Black Lou, you get this? Yeah, dude, I can't watch this whole scene. DJ Lou, was your father hanging there too like a dildo?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but he was drunk, so it doesn't really count.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your mom should have made him leave.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hope Jacob's dad leaves now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This doesn't really hit Christine calling never.

[Jacob]

Knows when the show. He always wants to talk to me.

[Bobby Kelly]

I always call him to tell you he's leaving and he's moving to another country. He's never going to talk to you again.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob. If it makes you feel any better, my father now also wants to talk to me all the time and has no idea when the show is.

[Bobby Kelly]

It makes you feel better? I don't know where my dad is. I haven't talked to him in years.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it cuz. Is it cuz something like this? Go ahead, Christine, please. Maybe lower. Lower the lights a little bit in the room.

[Bobby Kelly]

Come on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We were around each other anymore. Probably not supposed to say that. Look.

[Bobby Kelly]

You'Re going to hear a lot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of bad things about me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, okay. But only two of the three things are going to be right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So when you hear something that's. That's really, really bad, you try to think that that's the one Jacob Stone face means nothing to him. Okay.

[Jacob]

I don't get it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's like, these are the drebs of society. This isn't fucking pussy.

[Jacob]

So the dad's leaving his kid? What's with that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's leaving his. Well, Drew Barrymore is making him leave because he's fuck up. And she's like, it's gonna ruin our lives if I let you stay. Christine, please. All right, Bobby. Stare at it.

[Jacob]

I just said that to my dad and him to me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You, Jacob, your dad was too much of a MO to do heroin.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hope the next day. Call you guys from the police.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What a dad. Wait, here it is. This is the part.

[Bobby Kelly]

What are you doing?

[Jacob]

Oh, is the dad going out to make a living for his family?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, he's leaving forever, Jacob. One night, he left forever. Much like my father. There was cops there that night, though. Jason. Oh, yeah, his name's also Jason. Take me with you.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're mad now, but you'll see that we wouldn't have had a chance unless I did this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Leave me alone. Oh, and then he's mean to the mom. Leave me alone. If you will. Just get out of the street. The funny thing about this is that my mom just eventually figured out. She goes, okay, go live with your dad. After about three months of that, I was like, yo, get me the out of here, please. This is awful.

[Bobby Kelly]

My. My mom did that. I can't watch that. My mom did that to me. When I was in third or fourth grade with the guy who was beating us and hitting us and like, verbally abusing us. And I was in the kit. I remember being in the kitchen. I was like, I want to go live with my dad. I want to go live with my dad. Because he had visited me that week. Whatever. No, he came and visit and he came and visited me, went out to lunch. He bought me some stuff, and I was. We had such a great time, and he was such a great dad for that four hours I was with him. Then this. I came home and that guy, he called me a fucking idiot and a fatso or some shit. And he smacked me in the back of the head and told me that was it. You know, go do this, you stupid idiot. Whatever. And I remember being in the car. I want to go live with my. My dad. And my mother flipped out, and she's like, you want to live with your dad? You want to live with your dad? Fine. Go live with your dad. And she picked up the phone, she goes, steve, he wants to come. He has Something to say to you. And I picked up the phone. I was like, dad, I was crying. I was like, please, can I come live with you? I hate being here. He's such a mean jerk to me. Please let me come with you. And my father was like, bobby, you can't. I can't. And I was like, dad, but please. And he was like, I can't put your mother back on the phone. And I remember handing her the phone, and she went, see?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, he won't take you.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I just went up into my room and lost it all night. I remember crying hysterically until I just woke up the next day in a. Like, a wet pillow. And not. And I realized that day, like, I have nobody in the world. My sister was mean to me. I had nobody in the fucking world. That was. Can you put that song on again? I'm not alone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's a sad story.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was. And I remember. I remember just waking up and. And my mother didn't say anything to me. Nobody had. Nobody came to me and said, are you all right? Oh, come on. Oh, come on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Daddy didn't care. Daddy didn't care.

[Bobby Kelly]

Daddy's. It's plural.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Daddies didn't care.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

By the way, when this guy wrote this song and sang it, he had gray hair already. How gay does that feel to sing this song? Every time he has to go perform, he has to do this stupid song. Father of mine. Dude, you're 63. Get over it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have kids.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You have kids. Just be good to them. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You've changed the pattern.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Good God.

[Bobby Kelly]

That. And the saddest thing that ever was said to me in therapy is when I was talking about this shit, and Alan went, you don't get a dad. You are the dad. Deal with it. And I was like, oh, Lord. I was like, I. Cause I kept looking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If we weren't in a room full of people, I would have pulled up my wiener right there and said, I'll be your daddy. But we're in mixed company.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're a lot of people. You're a lot of people's daddy, including DJ Lou. I'll be your daddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll be your daddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what your therapist, Alan said to me one time about my.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What he called you about Bobby. That is unscrupulous.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's terrible.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not good. It's not good therapy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was telling him about my father, and his summation was, him. He wasn't a good person. He wasn't a good dad. Move on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. You have to hit an age where it's like even to go, well, go cry about it. I even think the therapist would be like, if you cry about this now. You are a weirdo.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, here I disagree. Here's why. Because you learn, right? You learn to push everything down, you know, that's why I started drinking so young. I was. I found like a friend or friends who took me in and were my father, my family and. But the only thing I had to do is drink and do drugs, right? So I had to be with them. All I had to do is drink and use drugs. And as long as they did what they did, whatever crime or fighting or drugs, they treated me like a family. So that's why I went with them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So they were a gang, Bobby. But you, you just described the gang. If I do the crimes and things and drugs they want me to do, they will take care of me. You described the gang. A group of friends who will look after you if you do the same incriminating acts they do.

[Bobby Kelly]

I might. I should have. I should pay you for my therapy. That. That Jew never said that to me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You were in a gang.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was in a gang. But. But you press it down. So you push it, push it down and it's gone, but it's still there. And then later in life when you talk about it and you go back through it, all of a sudden you open it up, it comes back out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I can do it. I think I've just talked. Even without therapy, I've just yapped about it enough. As an adult, when I have some perspective without therapy, then I don't know if that's like a waste of therapy time. I would really need with my dad. You think I need therapy for my dad still? My dad's situation.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you're going to have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like, you had a kid already.

[Bobby Kelly]

You had a kid, you were a dad. But I just. I don't know, I. I think that the type of person you are, if you opened up and tried to fix all the broken things about you and I feel the same way about me. If I try to really fix everything, I feel like I'll not be funny or not have. You know what I mean? Like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, like I don't want to do work on myself.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Like some. If we. If we become too healthy, what are we gonna do?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're just gonna be boring assholes tucking our shirts in jerk offs. Probably. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

It already took away most of my act. I don't. My act used to be things.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. On the most basic level, don't I just get what the therapy is gonna say anyway. I'm like, yeah, you know, so I, I have a great relationship with my daughter because my dad stunk with me. So there like I don't know any. Anything that seems like I don't know shitty at this point is so what. We were talking to my mom on the phone last night. It was so funny. Like I really actually look back so much on my dad being like a dumb, shitty like non present parent at all that like my mom was doing it. But that was last night. We were just telling stories. She was like, I remember one night me and my friend Janine got the brilliant idea after we went, we got out of an after hours. It was like 4:30 in the morning. And we were like, hey, let's go see the. Let's drive up to Boston right now and see our flagship. Our flagship, like corporate offices for casual male, big and tall. And she said they drove and got as far as New York. Then they got tired and just slept in a parking lot in New York somehow. And I was. And she told me the time of this when at the store. And I go, I was eight. Yeah, I was eight when you fucking did that, you psycho. You had a child. What are you doing? She goes, you were at your mom's house. And I'm like, yeah, I was always at my grandma's house, dude. I remember I lucked out with grandparents. Killer grandparents.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had great grandparents too. My grandmother and grandfather were fucking great. I called my grandmother mom, which pissed my, my mom off because she was more of a mom.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you were in Philly, you could have called her my mom. Which is what I call my mom.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I called her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's right, my mom.

[Bobby Kelly]

I called, I called her nanny. But I wound up calling her mom to. In my teen years.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because she was, she was there for me all the time. And I remember I was in jail. I think I might have told you this. I was in jail and they had these things called bed crunches in juvie jail where they needed the space for a more. A worse criminal kid. So they would take the kid who was the least and say, go home. You get to go home. It was like a lottery that when it happened, it was like a fucking. The best thing ever. They came to me and they said, you get to go home. There was a bed crunch. They had a kid come in that really was a bad kid. We need to, we're going to let you go home. And I called my grandmother because my mother was out of State. She was living in Ben Salem or wherever. And I called my grandmother life. And I go, come. If you come pick me up, I can come home. And my mother wouldn't let her. She was ready to go. I packed all my stuff, and they caught. She called back. She goes, bobby, I can't come pick you up. I talked to your mom, and she said no.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I was like, what? And I was so fucking Dev. I remember we all had. We had cubes. You had a cube with, like, a fireproof bed in it. That was your room in an open room. That was the juvie hall. And I remember I went into my room and I just started bawling, crying. And people were coming in. Hey, Bobby. And what's wrong? I was like, nothing. They actually took me into the office, took away all my clothes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What is this music? This doesn't make any sense.

[Bobby Kelly]

Goodwill Hunting soundtrack.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh. Oh.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was a vampire.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Apologies.

[Bobby Kelly]

I get turned. But they took me to a room, and I had to sleep in the office on a mattress for the night because they thought I was gonna kill myself.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I remember it was. It was so sad. And that's when I. That's it. That. That's the layers of when it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're the only one in this room. I will say it's fair. You are the only one in this room whose both parents didn't love him at all. You're the only one.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, in hindsight, my mom was doing what she thought was right, which was letting me go through the system to learn my lesson to. And I. Out of all the people that I know, I'm the only one that was successful and made it. All the other people that I hung with, whose mother did pick him up, did take him home, bailed him out of jail.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dead or still up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was my. The opposite of that. My grandmother, who was amazing and very attached to me when I went to my dad's, and then, like, after a few months, saw I was like this. Like, my stepmother does not. Is not enjoying this. My. My dad said yes completely arbitrarily. He's not, like, stoked on it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And he was gone all the time anyway, so it was just like, I wanted to go home. My mom was immediately like, yes, yes. The thousand times yes. I was waiting for this day. And my grandmother was like, you shouldn't do that. Like, he said he wanted to go there. He thought it'd be better there. And, you know, she's like, I'm not being like, my dad didn't abuse Me or anything like that. It was just, like, dismissive, but, like, she was like, yeah, you let him finish the school year there. He said he wanted to live there, like, make him commit to what he, you know, I want to go live with dad. Like, to go live with dad and come back in a year. And I was just like, mom, please don't make me stay. And my mom was like, get home right now. Get home right now, baby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I had a moment like that. I think the la. One of the last foster homes I was in was in a really. It was Lawrence, Massachusetts, which was very bad part of Massachusetts. Mostly Puerto Ricans and Spanish.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I got to do trash.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no. All right, Hinchcliffe, relax.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, you're saying it's a bad neighborhood full of trash, garbage people. I was assuming you meant Hispanics. My daughter's half his back. Don't think I don't throw in there either. Trash. Garbage. Congratulations. Isabella, by the way, passed both her tests for estheticians.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that's great. That's awesome. Yeah. I called my mother on Christmas Eve, and she. I remember I'm on the floor in the living room of this foster home, which I hated. I hated it. The guy was a redhead, fat guy, security guard.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

They made me leave the house every day so he could walk around in his tighty whities.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Better than molesting you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I would have rather at least have been warm.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's true.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was winter.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You would had a mouthful of coming a warm body. Yeah, that would have been better. You're right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I had to walk around. I had to walk around a Puerto Rican neighborhood in the winter, which was terrifying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. And where do Latinos go in the winter? These little holes in the lawns, like snakes, like concept.

[Bobby Kelly]

They're the only people that take the outside stuff out and the inside stuff in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So you got lawn furniture in your kitchen.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I remember I called her and I was like. I was like, mom. And she's like, yeah. I go, can I. I just. I just want to come home. And she started crying. And I'm like, why are you crying? She's like, because I was just talking to Larry, who's my second stepdad, who's awesome. She's like, he asked me what I want for Christmas, and I just said, I want my son home. And I was like, I want to come home. She's like, yes, come home. And I remember I. I went home and I went up to. Obviously upstate New York at that point.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Robbed her blind.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I Didn't rob her blind.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I went home and I tied her up and I stole everything she owned.

[Bobby Kelly]

I went. I remember I went back home and it was. It was actually good until I started drinking again. And then.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, it's hilarious. You just up right again.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just didn't. This is how I made friends, dude. And you do the same thing now. Like, weed was my. I would go to a new. I went to like, so many new schools. My hope. My. My go to was have weed or drug from the last place. I would always have some go in. I would get in trouble the first day or second day. So I get detention. I go to detention, and then whoever was in there, whatever kid, I'd be like, yeah, man, you smoke weed? And he'd be like, yeah. And then we go smoke weed. And that was my friend.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, your move was to get in trouble. First day.

[Bobby Kelly]

My move was to get in trouble.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Have you couldn't. You'd have to go to detention to see the bad kids.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would get in detention. So I would go there, and those kids were always the kids I would want to hang out with.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Bobby Kelly]

And because it was just cool.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I thought, I like nice boys.

[Bobby Kelly]

You like. You like Dave Smith.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like nice boys. Growing up, my friends, I didn't have any, like, real piece of shit friend. I mean, varying degrees of, like, tough. Nothing to do with that, you know, I mean, tough athlete. Athletes, but it was just always like the nicest of the people I never hung out with. Like. Like, if there was somebody who was doing, like, none of my friends, to the best of my knowledge, till I was like, maybe an older teen, like, you know, 18 or so, and he was like a weed dealer or anything like that at all. Like, they smoked. Some of them smoked weed, and I was disappointed in them for it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hung up with. I just like trash.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was like, God, is that what you guys just do? Smoke weed all day? That's what losers like my dad do. That's what I thought. My dad smoked pot, so I thought that was what fucking. I go, well, I hope you guys enjoy leaving your families one day. Hey, I know that's making that Led Zeppelin album sound really good, that weed. But eventually you're gonna leave your children. That's what weed makes you do. I think it's my only example. And then I smoked weed and left my kid.

[Bobby Kelly]

Exactly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You left with an angry Spanish woman.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I left an angry Spanish woman?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you left your kid with one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And a half angry Spanish woman and a Full Spanish angry woman. And then I moved in with a psychotic Middle Eastern whatever the fuck Christine is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Armenian. Armenian. California.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know where that is on a map.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's over there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Armenia is right by something. I assume it's by Turkey because she doesn't like turkey people and she doesn't like turkey sandwiches. She loves turkey sandwiches, ironically. Loves turkey but hates the Turks. I think she says there was a genocide. I don't know. I heard it once in a system of a down song, but I didn't really dig deep on it. Armenian genocide. I think it's a thing. Yeah. Is it real, Christine?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, it's real. How many people were killed? 1.5 million.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is that a genocide? Oh, yeah. What? Don't tell a couple of Jews that, Christine. That's weak.

[Jacob]

Weak.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. That's like the Oklahoma City bombing. Get over it. Get over that bombing. Why does the other guy from the Oklahoma City bombing name. Never stay out there? I watched a documentary on the Oklahoma City bombing the other day, and everyone remembers Timothy McVeigh. Nobody remembers the other guy. It's Terry Nichols. I just saw the thing, but when I heard it, I was like, oh, yeah. But even when I first started the documentary, I'm like, I always think there was two guys involved in this, but I only remember Timothy McVeigh. And then eventually it went down because he drove.

[Bobby Kelly]

He drove the truck there to Timothy, right? Yeah, he drove it, parked it and. And ignited it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And two man operations, they were always. There's name was. Those names were synonymous for a while. And then it just became like the memory just became Timothy McVeigh. I mean, that is the reason why. Because he was more of the active guy, I believe.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he drove it to there and put it in front of the building.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know it must blow. I mean, how many people can name three, even two of the terrorists. Who. The 911 terrorists. Now Osama bin Laden gets all the credit. He gets all that burn.

[Bobby Kelly]

It must blow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No one El else. Yeah. If you go. If you live over there and you go, I was loosely related to Mahaka, AKA Bakawaka. And they go. And they go, I don't. Mahaka waka Akabaka. And they go, who was that? And the son goes, dude, who's One of the 911 bonds hijackers, dude? Come on.

[Bobby Kelly]

What about Saka Sakahiki?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was a. Yeah, that was one of the Pearl harbor kamikaze.

[Bobby Kelly]

That is funny. That Osama did get credit. And all those dudes on the plane who had to learn how to basically fly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We remember that one guy with the stretched out neck, white T shirt and like the. Like he looked like he. Look at his farts. Smell bad.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, talking about. Yeah, and that was like the. That was El Baki L. Something something L Something. Yeah, but they get no. Yeah, we remember the pictures. And by the way, only the pictures. I only remember top left.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

And only guy I remember.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And the other guy with the top left. And then there was the other one.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it weird? They all look. I had to stretch down like Jacob a little bit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh yeah, for sure. Jacob would be a sleeper cell. That's why he goes in. Jacob goes down the fuck that. Dude. You go down to Florida and take private flying lessons constantly. You piece of shit. I know what you're doing down there.

[Jacob]

Not one of them looks like me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're the top left one.

[Bobby Kelly]

Exactly like you.

[Jacob]

Way that guy that looks like you today, an idiot. Looks like me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

No way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob. The only one who doesn't look like you is the guy with glasses. Everybody else looks like I am.

[Jacob]

You're saying this to get under my skin. Mission accomplished. I don't look.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your facial hair don't look like that. You're a facial hair away from being any one of them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I saw five of those guys today. No, this guy looks like a white guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Jacob. Jacob L. Hakabaka.

[Jacob]

No way I look like any one of them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Buddy, you look like the top one. You have the same Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Big deal.

[Jacob]

The worst one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, dude, you could do worse in the world than to. You could.

[Jacob]

I'm Brad Pitt compared to these jerk offs.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay, can I ask you a question? That top left one, is that not the face that we see every day when we come in and we say hi, Jacob.

[Jacob]

We have the same scowl, not the same features. Facial features.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

In fact, the bottom right is when you are most pleasant. And that's not even that excited.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's actually happy. Jacob.

[Jacob]

Now I understand what's happening, Bobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, it's not a big deal, dude. You have a Marwin Al shahehi. You have a hanihajo or maybe a zia Jara look about you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob. Jacob, you're a real honey honjar.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're a hand jar.

[Jacob]

No way I look like any of these.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me tell you something. Most of the time I come in and you have an ata face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You have a real Muhammad Atta face. Hani Hanjar. Jacob, don't come in here with your honey hoojar. Did we do.

[Jacob]

We both have a negative outlook on life. Yes, but that's where the similarities end, Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, and one of them did something about it and you didn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you just sitting here with your hand.

[Jacob]

I strive.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You just keep sitting here on your hands instead of taking action.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, I want you to fly a planet to this building so you can end it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

They're all fat and ugly. That's why they're virgins.

[Jacob]

Look like that's Corey Feldman. That other one looks like.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow, that does looks exactly like Corey Feldman.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hamza Salah, Saeed El Ghomdi. I, I had looked strikingly like Corey Feldman.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had a theory. I don't know if I can explain it but because like Japanese people or you know, Arab people.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Those people.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well it's I, I would believe like the personality. Who is Jay and, and who is me, Right? There's a, there's a big Jay Okerson in the terrorist community with your personality.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, big Hamza. Yeah, Big Hamza Salah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what I mean? Like there's got to be a funny Jolly terrorist to them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Listen, Funny around the guys. Yeah. I mean, he then has to go home and then beat a woman and cut her off for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I still play by the rules of the land. When in Rome. Sure. Look, I get it's ridiculous because I'm me. I'm the me. Personality goes. I know it's ridiculous, but I have to cut your off. Listen, I know I got a whole bit about how stupid it is that we cut off clits, but until the laws change. Big Hamza Salah.

[Bobby Kelly]

He is. He really does look like that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob. Another Jacob. Hang on. Before you. Jacob. Don't go to anyone. Don't stop going. I'm gonna read off a name and we're gonna guess if they click. Jacob or Corey Feldman.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hanny Hunjor. We already know he's the leader. That's a Jacob for sure. Let me see. Hani Honjor. Jacob. Okay. Khalid Al Midar.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna say Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob. With a mustache.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Cowboy. Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Majid Mo kid. I'm gonna say not a Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna say Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay. Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob.

[Jacob]

That looked like Gilbert Godfrey.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. Look like Dennis from Always Sunny, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna say up strikingly like Glenn Howard. Look like Dan Natter, but a little bit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Also a little bit like Dan Nawaf Al Hosmi. I'm gonna say Bobby Kelly.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say Jacob. That's a Bobby. Jacob.

[Jacob]

We just passed. I don't know who this one looks like.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a young Bobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Saleem. Al has me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob. I'm gonna say Jacob for sure. That is a Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. Zia Jara is a leader. Lebanese leader. Jacob. I'm gonna say 100%. This guy does not look like you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna say Louis J. Gomez.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay. Oh, it was. That guy was Jacob. Sorry. It was Jacob the whole time. Ahmed Al Hasnawi.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna say not a Jacob. Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob.

[Jacob]

Sexy Bobby there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you say?

[Jacob]

More Sexy Bobby There.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That right there. Sexy Bobby. No, it's Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's the lips. He's got the lips. Yeah, he's good. He's pouting his lips like Bobby. I'm a good powder.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you know what? Yeah, these are the. This is flight 93. These are the. These are the. That let all those Americans take them down.

[Bobby Kelly]

They landed in a field.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They didn't land. Ahmed Al Nami. We already looked at him.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. All right, say I'm gonna say not a Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna say big time Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

Big time Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no photograph.

[Bobby Kelly]

No photograph.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Damn.

[Bobby Kelly]

What about Sahid?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Saeed Al Ghee.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's gonna go get a photo of Ahmed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ali Nami.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What if you're not allowed to have a photo of him? Let's put you on a list. Christine. Christine. You know how they feel about some Middle Eastern running around out here with your full clip.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wait, look.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ah, Jacob Oats, Jake.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's what Jacob wants to look like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you wish. It's like if Jacob was a Menudo.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, Jacob wants that hair.

[Jacob]

I do want the hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

You want sexy terrorist.

[Jacob]

Everyone wants that hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

Come on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Would you crash a plane? Would you crash a plane to a building for that hair?

[Jacob]

No, no, I love America too much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's just say it was one building, half the victims.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Say it was in Alaska, too.

[Jacob]

No, no, that's America.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Would you crash one into a German office building for your hair?

[Jacob]

No. Then I don't use the hair afterward. What do I do with it?

[Bobby Kelly]

Would you crash one into.

[Jacob]

It just goes on fire.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, tell me you're a martyr back here in the States.

[Bobby Kelly]

Would you crash one into a hospital in Palestine? But you know there's hostages being held somewhere in the area.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Would you do that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Would you do that to get that hair?

[Jacob]

I don't think you. Bobby, you know this. Like, you don't. You don't you want to live with. You want to live with your hair? With hair?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Jacob]

You want to live life to the first. That's crazy to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, you're getting out.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're getting out. Dude, you got a parachute. You're jumping out with hair. Like the hair. As soon as you do it, jump out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hair happens.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is as simple as you make sure it's happening and you get the out. You could. Listen, we can go stupid, stupid supernatural and be the old. Would you push the button if it blew up a building? I'm saying you got to do it. You have to do the action. But you get beautiful, gorgeous hair. And Jacob, I'm gonna throw something else in three inches of height.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a lot. That's a lot. Three inches.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Three, four inches.

[Jacob]

Johnson's answer first.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Jacob]

Because that's. That second half affects him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Buddy, you're gonna be five, eight. Like, with hair.

[Jacob]

I'm already. No, five, nine.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, sorry.

[Jacob]

Taller than you.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're taller than me?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, he will be.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would be. Oh, you would be. Yeah. Oh, you'd be five, nine. Yes. Five and a half. Okay, yeah. Five, seven and a half.

[Jacob]

That's you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love wheel short kings. We all have to have that. I have a quarter, you have a half. Jay doesn't pull that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, on my wiener. I do, though. On my wiener, I get down to, like, centimeters. I go metric. I flipped the ruler around. It's more lines on that side. Did you know that if you just say the number, no one knows if it's centimeters or inches? How big's your dick? I go 73.

[Bobby Kelly]

73.

[Jacob]

If you'd caught me 20 years ago, I might contemplate it. But the fact is I'm too old to use all this stuff now, so I'm gonna stick with my hair tonic.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob.

[Jacob]

That's it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You get.

[Jacob]

I know what you're saying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me finish.

[Jacob]

You were trying to sweeten the pot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm keep sweetening the pot. That's how this game works, you lunatic. He's shutting me down. Stop. Next subject. No, you get three inches of height. You get. I'm trying to find the bar here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Give him four.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, that's when we start. We start playing. We start playing. Three inches of height. We have to add more stuff.

[Jacob]

Four would have been more.

[Bobby Kelly]

I say four.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, because here's the thing. I know you're.

[Jacob]

I could. I'd love five, nine. I'd be the happiest. Six foot three to me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But that's crazy. You're going to get full head of hair, right? You're gonna get height. You can get three inches of height, and you dial back the clock on your age, looks and everything. 15 years. Do you murder 3,000 people?

[Jacob]

This is on the air.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Keep in mind, if you don't kill these people, there's no Pete Davidson in the world.

[Jacob]

Then.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Jacob]

I gotta say no.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why? You'd love for Pete Davidson to be erased from this planet's history.

[Jacob]

Yeah, Right. Cause I'm gonna.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why don't you like Pete Davidson?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He doesn't even know Pete.

[Jacob]

I don't know Pete. It's jealous of his record.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He does hate.

[Jacob]

I regularly go through his list.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I mean, it is. It is something to be jealous of.

[Jacob]

Astonishing.

[Bobby Kelly]

It is a yard.

[Jacob]

Derek Jeter of our time.

[Bobby Kelly]

It is a yard that I like to look over at and wish I had that grass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, do you. Dude, he's. He's hit some pretty good ones.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely.

[Bobby Kelly]

And. And he's still. Now, here's the thing, Jay. He did all that. Did the drugs, got the tattoos, came out the other side yeah. Tattoos are gone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

And he's still killing it.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, he'll be fine.

[Bobby Kelly]

Which is pretty good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I'm not arguing that. I'm just saying. Here's what I'm saying. These are all, all these girls. It's the fame thing is what you're looking at.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, no, we're looking at the tits.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, of course I'm saying. But it's the fame of them. You have girls.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Equal this one here, Cassie David, beautiful girl.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who is that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's Larry David's daughter.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You and I have both girls with. Even if it's in parts, better something face, body, ass, tits, whatever the fuck it is. And you don't pine. Think about that every day. So with these celebrity girls, like it's an impressive list because of their fame for sure. And they're all hot chicks. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying, like when you were like, you're jealous of that, like that list. Like not jealous. I wouldn't want to spend any kind of time with any of these. Do you know what I mean? Of course I want to fuck the equivalent of the exact looks of Kate. What's her name? Kate Beckinsdale. But I don't really want to hang out with Kate Beckinsdale at all. Or Cassie David or Ariana Grande.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not saying I would want to hang out with him. I'm saying that it would be nice to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's dating all those people.

[Bobby Kelly]

It would nice. It would be nice to go through that roster in a row like he did. I would go through a bunch of Rosie O'Donnell's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then get a Kate Beckinsale and then go back to like a, you know, Roseanne Barr. Well, yeah, yeah. Well, not Roseanne, but yes. You know, I would go up and down my Richter scale. It would be more up and down. His is he went up and. And just went straight across, of course. Which is a pretty impressive.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, yeah, he's nailed the. The hottest and whatever. I'm just saying the only reason we're over. You over. Give a shit. Because every one of them is a name that you can point out, like who they are too. It's like, oh, shit, it's Cindy Crawford's fucking daughter. Andie McDowell's daughter. They're in movies.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I mean, it's my type to the brunette. That type of brunette I'm into. I mean, if he had a couple blondes mixed in there, I wouldn't want. I don't like I'm not a blonde.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Guy, but I mean. And then Kim Kardashian is different type than all of them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, Kim is. I don't.

[Jacob]

You can keep that one.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you can keep the Kim. I'm not into the Kim. I don't want to follow those guys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What guys? Blacks?

[Bobby Kelly]

No. Well, yes, but no. I mean, all blacks and peace. Blacks and Pete's.

[Jacob]

She's a celebrity.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sounds like a new podcast. Welcome to Blacks and Pete's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Pete Davidson. Again, I'm not like, listen, these are all, of course, ways to cope in the world with not being the person these people. But every one of them, he's. I'm sure he's plenty of regular people in between. Like just human beings that, like, work at restaurants or stores or anything. But his. The go. The ones that he goes from one to the other. I see more of the burden of, like, their life. The fame. You are getting pictures. It's not very. Doesn't seem very fun for a girl that when they're naked are going to be hot. But he's fucked. Pete has fucked a waitress from a restaurant that's as hot as any of these chicks almost.

[Jacob]

But I'm just as impressed with that. I know he's been. He's fucking tens that we've never heard of.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

But he turned it on.

[Jacob]

That's awesome.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's like it was before fame, by the way he was doing that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Was he banging before fame? That's my question.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Was he in every circle we were.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dane wasn't. Patrice was. There's a lot of guys that got fame and then got tail.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Every circle that he was, you know, I mean, so it's like the levels of circle. Yes, he was. When he was just a young comic with nothing, no money, nothing. He was breaking off the cutest ones.

[Bobby Kelly]

And he's from Staten Island. And most people don't know this. Staten island, hottest chicks of all the boroughs, maybe. I'm telling you, Staten island is a sleeper. Go to Staten island, hang out at a Starbucks, the. The hottest chicks in the world will roll through there picking up their fucking Carmel macchiatos. Sure, they're smoking hot. So if he's. If he started young and I don't know if he.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know how much he was crushing pussy as a kid, but when he was doing comedy in the circle we were in, like, he was hooking up with the cutest comics, the cutest comic girls, some of the cutest people who worked at comedy clubs, like staff and shit. So he was like always doing pretty good. Like he just had that charisma.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wonder if, like I look at that type of fame, if I. If you like, if we had ever gotten that type of fame, if you ever got on a show and was that famous, like, who, who would you want to bang? Like, who would be the person if you were that famous? Because you have to be. You can't just be where we're at and bang a famous person. You'd have to put a lot of work in a lot of circumstances would have to come to fruition for that to happen. But if you get to a certain level of fame like that, you're around those people and you get to kind of bang in that. That realm. Who would it be?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Barbara Mandrell.

[Bobby Kelly]

What.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Country superstar Barbara Mandrell from the middle 70s.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, but do you have like the person that you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, it would have always been, of course, like the young Pam Anderson in her prime. But I mean, like, I would bang.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would want to bang Jennifer Gardner.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Not. I mean, now I think she's still mom hot, but back when she was. When she was Electra.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you have like a. There's like a Boston connection to that girl's something. She gives off because that was. She gives off something.

[Bobby Kelly]

Smells like apples.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Fucking something. I don't know what she did. Yeah, Chowder.

[Bobby Kelly]

Her pussy smells like lobster, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it's something because you and Ben Affleck. I mean, when Ben Affleck was with her, I was like, really? That regular old looking jig?

[Bobby Kelly]

I. Dude, I don't. Jennifer Gardner during Elektra. She was super buddy. She had dimples and her body was. And she was so. Look at her. Oh, God, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude. I'll take a dap.

[Bobby Kelly]

Crazy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's her name? What was the Sin City girl? I'll take Alba over her any day.

[Bobby Kelly]

First of all, Jessica Alba. What a terrible human being she is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure, I'm sure. She's a rat trash piece of garbage that we should do away with her. But she's more attractive than.

[Bobby Kelly]

No way. Look at that, dude. No way. She's a one. I like a woman. I like a hips. I like that. Look at her hair. She's smoking. Jessica Alba is just a little.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We talk about a Jessica Beal type.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jessica. Jessica Beal with those.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, now she might be. Who knows. But when she was in. Very specifically that she did a move. No.

[Bobby Kelly]

With the Jets.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

When she was at the jets with Jamie Foxx. Those special fighter jets.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. She was hot in that Texas Chainsaw Massacre. She was dressed in 70s clothes with the hips and. And she looked really good.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll tell you what, in. In Sin City I would rather take girl the other woman who was naked in that. Remember her? What was her name?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Carla Guggino.

[Bobby Kelly]

Her in Sin City. Her body. And who's that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pretty great.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Way better than the same business manager.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We saw in our business managers once. Remember she's smoking guggi. She can be. That's by the way, Paulie Shore. That was the. His co star and son in law, Carla Guggino.

[Bobby Kelly]

She in that movie when she was naked. Yeah, I. I might. I watch that over and over and over again.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She just jerk off to it and stop. No, don't keep watching it over and over again. That's crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Teach Max what's fucking good and bad. Look at that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it's a woman's body for sure. I see. We. Listen, I. I don't disagree with you. That is a home. That's a home run hit for me. That body is a home run hit for me for sure. But Pete Davidson would think he's a pig if he had sex with her.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh God. Why is that. Oh, what was it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

God. Oh, Christine, just skip through that. Is this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Come on. Does it say jihad porn?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's the God damn?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Oh man. Yeah, I just like a. I like a nice droop.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Stop saying you like a woman. I like all like a woman.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, you. You like Jessica Alba. Look at those hips.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I said I would take Jessica Alba over a. What you call. It wasn't even saying Jessica was my favorite. I was making the point. I don't give a about Jessica Alba that much. But in that world of Wasn't you a dark angel like girls like superhero y girls like that. I would take Jessica Alba over Jennifer.

[Bobby Kelly]

Garner into the blue when they're underwater the whole show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look, we all jerked off to whatever we jerked off to, guys. We don't think of our specific scenes. Hey, just galba at about 2 minutes 35 seconds into the movie. Whatever. I think you see one of her hair. Oh, is this is Alba? No, this is Jessica b. On her 70s clothes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she looks good. But her. Her mouth. Her teeth are weird.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They are disturbing teeth.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she's got like, you know, grand mal seizure mouth.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it looks like she could floss with fucking shoelaces.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, man, she's got big.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's got a big big fucking pumpkin tooth. Bitch. You're right. I hate her too.

[Bobby Kelly]

She got baby Billy mouth. I hate all these she got baby Billy mouth.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hate all these pigs.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I mean, yeah. I mean, Jessica Alba. I mean, look at her. Fat little. She's not that hot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, buddy, who are you fighting this with?

[Bobby Kelly]

You?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't say she's the hottest Jessica.

[Bobby Kelly]

Alba in Sin City is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, you're fighting. As I said, she's definitely more attractive than Jennifer Garner in 100 of ways.

[Bobby Kelly]

No way. Yeah, 100. No way. That is not true. 100. Not. Just look at. Look at that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look at that. It's like my sister. Go back to sexy clothes. First of all, she's so regular. Face, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can you click on that face? Are you. Her lips are incredible. Look at that. Dude, are you nuts?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She looks great there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she looks amazing. Wait, wait. Pan up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look at.

[Bobby Kelly]

Body is perfect. Stomach is great. Look at that mouth.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That body is one line. Straight shoulders to ankles.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're out of your mind. She's got hips. Stop shaking your head, Lou.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She does.

[Bobby Kelly]

And look up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She doesn't have hips.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look up. She's got heads.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They're fine. She's a real plain Jane. Thank you, Lou.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're a plain Jane. Use like a booty that smells.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And by the way, she's so made up there, it doesn't even look like her face anymore.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you crazy?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And look at that five head.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stop, stop, stop, stop. All right, the forehead. The forehead's rather large.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This girl. You keep doing it. Do a whole showcase of this.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's like a Reese Witherspoon forehead.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was the other one, too. That's what happened to look at the ass. Jennifer Love Hewitt in my time would have been a Jennifer Love Hewitt in her prime. Girl, that I would have like that would. That I would have been jealous of like a Pete Davidson getting like her. But again, no, you see her now?

[Bobby Kelly]

Even back then, she was bad. You know what she had now?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're right. She had huge tits.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, she had that nobody saw.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Eczema.

[Bobby Kelly]

No fucking cankles. Oh, maybe type in Jennifer Love you even in her prime. I love that she had cankles.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hope she does type it up.

[Bobby Kelly]

It is true. She had Lego legs. It went straight from her hips down to her foot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's like. It looks like her skull kept growing, but her skin didn't. And now you can see, like, blue veins through her head like a goddamn roadmap.

[Bobby Kelly]

Those aren't kinkers. No, go back. That's not it. Go, go, go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now you're attacking a woman.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go, go, go, go. Try it. Look at that. Look at that fat. Look at that fat calf, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me see. Zoom in, zoom in. Enhanced.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at that calf. No, that's a nice ankle. That's not a nice ankle.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are they something. That's not a nice ankle. Ass or anything? That's a bad picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt. Still would her.

[Bobby Kelly]

She has cankles. Look at that. Look at the size of those.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Where?

[Bobby Kelly]

Right there. Not that. Look at that. The.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No cankles there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, she had AIDS in that photo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You might have made this up.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I didn't. She had cancer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She might have cankles now because she's a pig.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, she had cankles back then. No, I remember that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's got big fat ankles. Look at. Look at her. She. She's pretty. Nice ankles. I don't think so.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Listen, are they the nicest ankles? No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at that line right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But they're still pretty good. But it doesn't matter. She aged out of being. Whatever she's like. Look at her now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she had juicy, juicy boobs.

[Jacob]

Nicole Eggert was my number one back in the day.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my Christ. Is that her?

[Bobby Kelly]

What is that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, me? Dude, that's Jennifer Love Hewitt. Yeah, sucker.

[Bobby Kelly]

She got old. She got work done.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Work she did.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, her lips. She got her lips. That bottom lip is. Is juiced up. Yeah, bottomless. Juiced up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jennifer Love Hewitt and Can't Hardly Wait was the dreamiest of dream girls. And I was just the right age for it. That came out when I was, I think right after high school or right around high school time. And she was like the high school.

[Bobby Kelly]

Crush when I was like in 8th grade. Which means you had to be like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She still had a five head.

[Bobby Kelly]

20.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Huh? What'd you say? When did it come out? Look, you're looking at it already. It's got to be in the 98. I was high school in 94, right? Oh, yeah, I was 20. No, I was 98. I was born in 77. This is very easy. I was 22. I was 22 when it came out.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was 29. No, 28. Was it 98? 98. Yeah, I was 28.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, 20.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she was cute back then.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

One fucking picture of her walking into the room. Give me a. Can't help you. Wait, anything else? When he sees her, when he can't wait to tell her how he feels about her.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you remember what was that movie with Ryan Reynolds? That blonde that was in that? Just Friends. Yeah, she was cute. I always liked her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I saw her.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I Saw her on the Berg Reicher tour.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And there's a whole thing going on there.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's happening?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Something with her husband. Something.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who's her husband?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know. Some weird dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she, she, yeah, she lost.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She didn't. Yeah, buddy, she did not look good.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's like the chick from the Terminator.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And Road trip in the movie Road Trip when she took her top off. Even with those little mosquito titties. Mosquito bite titties. Just so cute.

[Bobby Kelly]

Crank. Remember Crank? I do that movie.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean the fucker to stay alive.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, it was one of the greatest scenes in any movie.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pretty great.

[Bobby Kelly]

In front of a, in front of a bus full of, I believe. Was it Asian people? Right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, that's what she looks like now is so upsetting.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, what a cutie.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow. Yeah, man. She is cute.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I bet Brecken Meyer still looks pretty good. Poor women. Poor women. Dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know. They really fall off. Look at that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Poor women.

[Bobby Kelly]

God, she's adorable.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She was cute.

[Bobby Kelly]

Mickey Rourke.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So, huh.

[Bobby Kelly]

You do have Mickey Rourke.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Mickey Rourke did something.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you know, was it that movie Sin City? Was Rodriguez, right? Is that who. And he's, he actually gave Mickey that part to give. Get him money.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I bet.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he gave him that part. And there was another part and, and what was it? Desperado or some whatever.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Mickey Rooks wearing cartoonish makeup in that movie and looks way better than he looks. Yeah, absolutely.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They go, oh, oh, well, we gotta take it. Break a clock.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's break a clock. Dude, we were talking about Coogee for a long time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, no, we weren't. We were talking about lovely ladies that we had crushes on.

[Bobby Kelly]

I still pick Jennifer Gardner over any of the girls.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not gonna argue with you. It's Boston.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who is your favorite, Bobby? Huh? Today I would. Who I would want to be with as a, like a love girl. I mean, Kelly Clarkson, dude. I, I, I was on a table bed, on an island bed with her last week.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby has watched the video video of Kelly Clarkson winking and pretended and pretended. It was like part of a conversation they were having. No, no. He goes, he wants and he goes. Like you're like she's doing it to you. Like you're in the audience supporting her.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's her Carol Burnett when she pulls her ear.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's the hey baby for you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's hot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. She's winking at me going, you know I don't like women I'm in love with you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't mind what you're saying. I like it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know? You know. What's up, baby?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We'll be right back, everybody. Is the bonfire.

[Bobby Kelly]

The essential mango coconut. Freeze. It makes its appearance at the dinner party right when the night could go either way. Between nice evening and legendary. Served in eight perfect stoneware bowls to the sounds of circa 1950. Bossa Nova seconds a good debate and an impromptu round of Never have I ever followed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's gonna be a late one.

[Bobby Kelly]

The essential evening extender made possible with Vitamix Pacifico is a Mexican lager brood to be discovered. It's like fresh tracks on a powder day. Like that uncharted trail A stone's throw away. Like the perfect wave on a sunny day. Pacifico. Find your own way. 21. Drink responsibly. Imported by Crown Import, Chicago, Illinois.