
Bobby starts the show in a cheerful mood because his team advanced in the NFL playoffs and Jay's did not. Jay's weekend was a failure not only because his team lost, but he encountered a protest in Tacoma Washington and failed to capture any of it on video. Bob tried to coach him to be an influencer and join the protest for Asian massage parlor workers. Jay tried to join in but ultimately cowered in the corner because he didn't want to make a mockery of the event. Bobby and Jay swap massage stories from their younger years. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf
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For the ones who get it done.
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And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.
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We're getting right into it today. Great song for Philadelphia went wrong. Who just wants.
A
Oh, this is the dig on the Eagles. Oh, it doesn't work on me. Dude, you're like a chick talking about sports.
B
I like that you call me your chick.
A
A chick.
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Can I move in?
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My chick would know more about sports.
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Dude, I'm a fans fan.
A
What does that mean, dude, a fans.
B
Fan, brother, you're a team fan. Like you're. The players would like you other fans like me where I'm a fans fan.
A
I don't know what that means. I still don't. It's a terrible description.
B
I just made it up. Listen, the thing is, Jay, I'm a fans fan. Yeah, dude, I love it when they're. When you're doing good, I'm there for you. When you're not doing good, I got shit to do.
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But they're doing good.
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They're doing good. They got lucky yesterday.
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My middle linebacker's name.
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My Ted Frank?
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Nope.
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Michael J.
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No.
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Fox?
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Nope.
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Larry Saunders. Jackson? Jibby? Jabba? Jubie.
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If there's any lady out there who would like to call in and tell us.
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Yeah.
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The name of the middle linebacker.
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This is the technique that all nerds you use. You can. I'm a fans fan, brother. You don't need to know the names of everybody in the stats. You know, you need to know is that they won.
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Right?
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And I was in front of the TV cheering and I got my Chinese Patriots swag that I got. Dude, this is the worst hoodie, buddy. This looked so good on Facebook. Is it maybe the sticker? Dude, it's. It was supposed to be a rubber stamp. Like a three dimensional like on the. On Facebook. It was a three dimensional rubber stamp that was risen, you know. You know what I'm talking about. And I, I bought me Max. He got the hat, he got sweatpants and it showed up.
A
Why didn't you just order from the NFL pro shop.
B
Because I. I just saw this and I panicked.
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Not a real fan.
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I'm a real. I'm a fans fan, brother. Fans. Fans. Order from China.
A
What time's next week's game?
B
Next week's game? We got to find out who we're playing first. See, I hope it's Pittsburgh. Okay, I'd like to play Pittsburgh. Why? I think a little tougher game, but I like to stick it in, you know, all of Pennsylvania, not just Philly.
A
Oh, gotcha.
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I like the whole state to fucking suck. Bummed out.
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Yeah.
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And plus this sandwiches stink.
A
The sandwiches are better.
B
Oh that. That sandwich than Boston. No, you're out of your mind. Yeah, no steak tips.
A
Your main food out there is fish come.
B
Dude, who doesn't love fish come?
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When in fish come land for sure.
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Yeah, you gotta grow. I grew up on fish come. I know you mean clam chowder. Yeah, yeah. I love fish come.
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Fish come.
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Fish come's awesome.
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Fish comes. Okay.
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It's so good. Dude, when you, when you have fish come, you have to think ocean.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Just think you taking the bite out of the sea.
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Sandy. Yeah, Sandy. Fucking.
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Could you imagine having. Could you imagine how you drink real cum? Like girls.
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So warm and salty.
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Oh, they love clam chowder. They must love all chowders. Yeah.
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Finally.
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Oh, finally. There's potatoes in it.
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Some carrots.
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Finally some carrots. I'm sorry, buddy. I wish, I wish I knew you were watching the game at your house because I would have came over. That would have been fun.
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Yeah. No, it wouldn't have for me. Oh, maybe.
B
Look, you're the running back though. Missed how many catches did he. I mean he had missed game winning catches yesterday. He should have got wide receiver. Wide receiver? Yeah, that guy. The guy that runs and catches the ball. Jesus Christ, buddy. Can you talk to Max? So funny. Because Max played football. He knows more than me. We're watching the game. He's like, dad, that doesn't make sense.
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Three pointer. Every time I feel goal.
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Every time I see a flag, I'm like, God damn it, what do we do? He goes, it's not on us, Bob. Dad, it's. It's on the other.
A
He should call you Bobby when that's happening.
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Bobby. Yeah, call me Bobby.
A
Bobby, listen. We.
B
We. We. We got lucky yesterday. Drake May was missing a lot, but we got a couple fumbles. It was a fun game.
A
Well, the Chargers didn't do anything.
B
They didn't do anything. We. Yeah, they got three points, right? Three Points. But we. It was three. Three for the first half. And it was kind of like, holy.
A
Yeah.
B
And there was a couple times where we should have moved the ball. We didn't. And then we got a fumble and they up a couple of times.
A
Another week of football.
B
Yep. Yeah. Another week.
A
I have a Sunday show in Raleigh that I don't. That's fine now. Don't worry, I'll be full attention, everybody.
B
That's so great that you can look at it, you know. Now you can do Sunday shows.
A
No, no, no. It's. I'll be suicidal. Sundays at home when the six. When the Sixers aren't playing.
B
Okay.
A
It's one of my only things is the Sixers. Well, Sixers now. Right?
B
Yeah.
A
Now lost also in double overtime. Yeah.
B
Oh, shit.
A
The Eagles are done. Jacob, hi. You survived the tunnel fire.
B
How great is this that both you and Jacob have the same face for the first time in a long time?
A
Oh, yeah. Rough weekend all around.
B
Yeah.
A
Good shows though. Fun shows out in 4pm show I had to do.
B
What?
A
Tacoma. So cross country. So I got on a plane yesterday at 7am to fly six hours cross country to get home to rush to watch the game. To watch him get lose unceremoniously. Are you allergic to something, Jacob?
B
Yeah.
A
Are you sneezed? That was crazy looking. I didn't sneeze. I know. You went like this. Are you trying to sneeze? Yeah. You went. Is that possibly on camera?
B
What do you do you want this?
A
He just went. I just stayed like that for like 10 seconds. Yeah, it was weird.
B
Sure you weren't coming in your pants?
A
Yeah, it looked like that. Being sucked off by a ghost.
B
Apparition.
A
Look at Ray stents over here.
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SiriusXM. The. The OB and Anthony apparition. That sucks guys off. Yeah, dude.
A
But yeah, so let's go Sixers.
B
You did a four pan show on Sunday?
A
Yeah. No, no, no. Saturday.
B
So you had three shows on Saturday.
A
Two Friday. Three Saturday.
B
Dude, I stopped doing those fucking three shows on Saturday. Killed me.
A
No, you're not supposed to do them. I just agreed to another one though in Chicago. So. You did. Yeah. Well, I couldn't do Sunday there. It's. It's. I had a commitment to five shows there, but they have to move Thursday because I picked up something else Thursday that I'm doing.
B
What are you doing here in the city special?
A
No. Oh, it'll be a big night. It's good night. But like I'm opening for somebody somewhere.
B
Oh, okay.
A
So yeah, I'm doing That on the.
B
Thursday night you're not going to tell us?
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I don't know if they'd like to announce who it is.
B
You're gay.
A
Why?
B
I was just giving hints. Why are you gay? I don't know. Look at a mirror.
A
Really? Do I read gay? Stop.
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Sophisticated.
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Stop that. Bear. Bear. Bobby, stop that.
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I almost bought you a gift yesterday.
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Why?
B
I went to the Chelsea buy. What the fuck is wrong with you?
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I don't want anything from you.
B
Why are you. I know you're a Patriots fan. You're in such a bad mood. Loosen up, dude. It's over. You can let go.
A
I'm fine.
B
I'm the one who has to worry every Sunday now I'm the one who has to have all that pressure on me. You don't have any pressure on Sunday.
A
There's no pressure on you.
B
There's a lot of pressure, dude. There's no pressure, buddy. If I move, if I'm. If I'm not watching the game, they won't win.
A
Bobby, I think because of the jersey colors, you didn't know which team you're rooting for till the second half of the game. Max told me.
B
Max calls you, yeah? What?
A
Yeah, he calls me facetimes me so we could see him roll his eyes at you.
B
But you just don't like that. I'm a fan Fan. A fan's fan.
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No one knows what that means.
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People out there right now are going, hey. My God. I never knew what to call it.
A
But now I know there's only one person reacting in his T shirt. Kevin making a fan's fan shirt. It's the only person in the world reacting right now.
B
I wish he'd make me a Patriot shirt so this one doesn't suck. This is the wor Patriots shirt I've ever fucking owned.
A
Facebook shirts.
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I don't know, dude. Every gift I got, I got them.
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For the whole family. I know what a maniacs move it is.
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It is. I got addicted to buying stuff off Facebook.
A
Why? Go to the NFL show? You want an NFL hoodie, go to the NFL pro shop.
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They don't have the rubber stamp. This is a rubber stamp.
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It's not though. It's a sticker.
B
It's a sticker.
A
You could take those stickers off and give me a regular hoodie.
B
Lou said I'm like Spider man when I found out I had my powers and made my own outfit.
A
Yes, you're right. For the 1970s version. Yeah.
B
This is going to come off after one wash for sure. So many Nice options. Yeah. Go try to find the Facebook. Facebook.
A
Look at the old. With the old. With the old thing on it.
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I love the old one. The old one's the best. That one's the best.
A
Oh, you get in blue. Look at. In blue. Let's see what that looks like.
B
No, that's just a different. That's a new logo.
A
What? Oh, you sure? It was right next to it. Yeah. What are you talking about? Why I defer to so many people who don't know more than me about things.
B
I don't know why you.
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I don't know.
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I wasn't trying to jump on your bandwagon, but then Christine looked at me angry, and I turned away. I got chickened out.
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She's.
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I love the old logo. The old logo is a. Yeah, love it.
A
A white, thin guy hiking, a ball.
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Patriot.
A
A patriot.
B
An actual patriot.
A
Look at that one for the girls.
B
Oh, that red one. That red one's great.
A
Oh, look at the one that's distressed. The distressed logo you have on now looks so much better than the one you're wearing.
B
Actually, mine looks stressed. It was brand new.
A
No, it looks stressed.
B
It's stretched.
A
Definitely stressed. That sticker is being stressed. The folds that are going to end up in that are going to be so funny.
B
Look at. Look at that. It has a Nike swoosh. Like Nike.
A
You're wearing a fake Nike shirt, buddy.
B
I wore it for you.
A
Why?
B
Because the only Patriots thing I have. But I did get the hat that.
A
You don't have a jersey?
B
That hat looks. No, I don't have a jersey.
A
What?
B
Yeah. I'm not a jersey guy, dude.
A
I. I just wanted to watch the game and look at that one.
B
That's great. What is that? Is that risen? That looks risen.
A
Why do you want unwashable shirts?
B
I want a Risen.
A
Stop acting like you're a black guy in 2001, dude. Nobody needs risen. Shit.
B
I like, remember that.
A
Black glue, a bunch of rooking, rubber shirts, Rocaware logo and rubber that you can never wash.
B
I like a Risen. Why are you mad that I like something that you don't like? Why are you gonna force me into your.
A
Buy it, wash it, and then I'm gonna laugh at you when your rubber starts coming off.
B
So what?
A
That's so cool. I like those. What, that jersey? Hoodie. No, no, that.
B
Oh, that's nice.
A
Yeah, it's dope.
B
But that is dope. That's a hoodie. Yeah, I like that.
A
It is a hoodie.
B
Oh, look at that. I get Mac Mm. It's nice.
A
You get who?
B
Mac.
A
Who? Mac.
B
They call him Mac. Drake May, number 10. He's quarterback. He's the MVP of the league. Anyways, yeah, I up. But so I had. So I had to wear it today.
A
It's pretty hilarious.
B
It's.
A
I do appreciate it.
B
It is pretty hilarious. It's when I put it onto. It's very tight. It's supposed to be an xl. It's not. It's a Chinese xl.
A
You were happy they lost yesterday, the Eagles, because you're mad at me.
B
I'm not mad at you. I've never been mad at you.
A
No, this weekend you were pretty mad at me. I called you and you were pretty pissed off. You were like, it's not mad, Jake. You're pretty irate.
B
It's frustration with you.
A
Because I know you have to tell you something fun.
B
Yeah.
A
And you fucking. You got very upset with me because.
B
You have it in you and you refuse to let it out.
A
I can't. You can't do it. Bobby wants me. I didn't bring the piece of paper in. I will tomorrow. Oh, wait. Maybe I have it in your purse. It might be in my merse.
B
Yeah. I'm not gay. We're all gay.
A
No, it's not my purse. It's not my purse.
B
We're all gay.
A
It's not my purse. I hope I have it at home. But I called you after I woke up in the morning to was sound like a protest happening outside of my hotel. And I looked at the window and I saw there was a protest going outside. And why I couldn't understand what they were yelling into the. What do you call it? The bullhorn was because by the signs that are being held up, that are in English but also Asian, some kind of Asian wording, lettering or characters.
B
Where's Paco when we need him?
A
Where is Paco when we need him?
B
Tell us what this house next to another house means.
A
And I go. So I was like, oh, I should go see what this is. I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette, right? I go downstairs, smoke a cigarette, and I go, okay, this is a crazy protest happening. And then I see what it's about. What is? They come over and they hand me one of the pieces of paper, which is telling me this is a protest for. It's essentially Asian massage, handjob girls who are going, what are you gonna deport? Hey, Ice, don't deport us. We're sex slaves. We're here whacking off. Dude, you're gonna send Us away. Like, fuck that. And I go, oh, this is funny. I have the paperwork, I have the things. So I go, let me start filming. Not for the show, not for the audience, not for myself. For you.
B
For me.
A
I wanted to film it for you.
B
Yeah.
A
And you know, I've explained to you my fear with doing this, with public confrontation is that I'm gonna pull my phone out. Two people are fighting on the street. Fifteen people have their phones out filming the person. I'm like, when I pull my phone out, someone's gonna be like, dude, really? Yeah, dude. Or just some kind of judgment of it or. Exactly. The people that are fighting are gonna be like, do you fucking filming us fighting? Mother. You know, some. They both turn on me in some way.
B
Yeah. What was your fear with middle aged Asian women who jerk people off getting hand jobs?
A
I don't know.
B
They're gonna run over and just jerk you off.
A
No.
B
Are you famous? I jerking you off?
A
No.
B
I'm making you come right now, big boy.
A
I should send. I should see if I have it and send Christine the video I took. Because I did.
B
It sucks.
A
Yeah. Oh, God, yeah. I mean it.
B
What. What could you possibly be afraid of with a gaggle of women who jerk people off? What would be the fear?
A
I filmed for five minutes.
B
Oh, God.
A
But nothing.
B
But maybe it's good.
A
Maybe.
B
Maybe you're cutting yourself short. Maybe it's good. Maybe you got Christine some good context.
A
I didn't. Because I'll tell you what happened pretty quick. And most of it's just me filming the floor because you suck. Before. Before I called. Before I called. Bobby, video's too long. What? What do I gotta do, send it to Google Drive?
B
We gotta get you a pair of meta glasses.
A
I don't know what Google Drive is.
B
Yes, Bobby, we gotta get you.
A
I'm email it. That's an excellent idea.
B
We get you a pair of meta glasses, right? You put those on, they don't even know you're filming. You're just looking at them. That's it. Put your glasses on, you walk over, you filming, they don't even know that you're filming. And you're getting everything.
A
Mmm, I don't know.
B
Come on, dude.
A
Copy air. Oh, can I air airplay? What do I do?
B
Can you take his phone away from him? No, you can't. Can I show you?
A
I'm gonna fucking. No. I got this.
B
Oh, my God, you're in such a bad mood today. Snapping on everybody.
A
I got it. I'm gonna mail it.
B
Questioning my fanhood.
A
It's probably what.
B
It's probably too big to mail.
A
To mail. Yeah.
B
It'll take too long to come through.
A
And it might not come through.
B
That's what she said.
A
Well, here's the thing. It's a video of nothing. Because I start filming right away. I go, here I go. And I hold the phone up like this, and then I go. And then a guy comes over and simply says. He goes, hey, we're just asking anyone who's filming if they can go over. I was like, I'm not even. And I just like. And I just had my phone down like this, I guess, for five minutes, and then realized I was still going and then turned it off. Like I was getting in trouble for that. 50 people were filming. So I go, all right, well, I got to do something now.
B
Do you know these protests want you to film them, Right? They want the publicity.
A
Mm. They want you.
B
They want you to film them and put it out there.
A
Is that what they want?
B
That's what they want.
A
You think that's true?
B
Yeah. All protests want that. That shit out there.
A
What a gaggle of pigs.
B
Yeah.
A
Oh, come on.
B
Now we'll never know.
A
What was the. Did they look cute, these handy girls? I don't know. I wasn't looking. So I panic and I go. I go call.
B
I would have looked immediately, you know. Do you understand how great this would have been? This is the greatest protest ever had.
A
I don't want.
B
This would have went viral. A hand job protest.
A
I don't know.
B
People would have got behind it. We could have saved these young ladies.
A
I call Bobby.
B
We could have probably bought a couple of them.
A
I don't know why he's dismissing your idea. Also, I think it's fantastic. I FaceTime Bob. He's not wearing goofy meta glasses.
B
They're the same glasses as you're wearing.
A
Now for undercover work only. Keep them with you for undercover work.
B
Undercover work. Jay, that really got him.
A
Just for the protest. You put them on.
B
When you're. Undercover work happens.
A
You put them on cover work.
B
When you have to go undercover, you put them on.
A
That's it.
B
People won't see your eyes. They don't know where you're looking. And you say, you don't have to push a button. Just go, hey, meta. Record video. And it just does it. Three minute videos.
A
When the op is over, you go back to your civilian life. Isn't there a little light on your. Is there a little light on it?
B
There's a light on it, but there's a thing you can.
A
Well, someone's gonna come over and say, like, dude, take your glass off. I'm go. Yeah, these are these records.
B
Problem solved. There's a little thing they made that goes over that. That blocks it. It's a little black.
A
What perv site did you learn that on? Can you let Bobby be Q here? Just your bond. He's Q. Let him get that reference for a second. Let him equip you.
B
We get you a pair of metaglasses.
A
Look, we didn't even tell what happened yet.
B
Well, we're just trying to play along, that's all.
A
Huh?
B
You can just talk if you want. I'll just sit here. Go ahead.
A
Sorry. You just pitched metaglass me for five minutes. I haven't told you what happened yet. We. Okay, you know what happened because you were on the other end of the phone.
B
You're right.
A
I FaceTime Bobby.
B
Go ahead.
A
I inform him what's going on.
B
Yes.
A
There's this thing going on there. They're going. And I go. They. They just kind of walked away. They just. They go, all right, now we're going to march. And they kind of marched off and. And Bobby goes. I still hear them. I go, yeah.
B
I don't know.
A
I think they're just doing, like, a little loop and coming right back, like, in a minute. And he goes, what is. I tell him everything it is. He goes, dude. He goes, film it. Film right now. I go. I try. They got weird with me. He goes, interview somebody. So interview somebody. As I look over, there's people interviewing people, other people with just their phones out and, like. Like their little, you know, AirPods and just going, like, what's been going on? And this is what's all about that. He's like, interview someone. I was like, they're not. I said, they're not doing that. I just said words. I go, they're not doing that. He's like, huh? And then he goes. And then I go, oh. And I filmed. They're coming back, and they set up shop right there again. And he's like, no. He's like, I hung up with an important comedy camp meeting for this. You never FaceTime me.
B
I was literally in the middle of a edit meeting to talk about comedy camp with three of the producers. He called me three times, and I. In my brain, I went, he's never called me three times in a row. Something's wrong. He's panicking. He needs me. And I literally go, I gotta call you guys right back. Hung up. And then he's. He tells Me. What's going on? And then I see the. The protest. I go, go in it. Walk into it. He goes, no. I go, j. Walk into them. Talk to them. Go be part of this protest. Whatever they're chanting. Chant with them. Just chant it. He's like, no, he won't do it. And he keeps putting the camera down. I'm like, put the camera back up. And he's not listening to me. You panicked.
A
I panicked.
B
You panicked. You could have walked in. Here's the thing. You could have walked in the middle of that crowd. Whatever they were chanting. What were they chanting?
A
I don't know. I don't know if it was just like, hilarious English with their silly accents or if it was I'm worthless. You guys should switch over to raw dog comedy where Rory Scoville's doing his Waffle House routine. Keep an eye on the other stations, let you know what's going on.
B
You understand how epic it would have been. How do you. This is what doesn't make sense to me about you. You can go on stage in front of as many people, up after anybody. You can do crowd work in front of 20,000 people. It doesn't matter. You can go on Legion of Skanks.
A
They know what they're there for.
B
Yeah, but you. Why can't you? Just inside of you, I know an influencer lives.
A
It's the same reason we can't be friends with Corey Feldman and all these things. I can't stop doing the thing. So I'm gonna. I'm going to be. I want to be funny with it. I don't want to straight interview them. I think that's weird. I don't want to make it. No. No. Right. So I'm saying no. But that's what you kind of do. You straight interview them and you laugh at it later. I get the idea of that. I feel bad about doing that. So I only want to do funny shit. So. And I'm like, well, they're doing, like, a real protest. So I'm over here going like, this is all about hand jobs or, you know, whatever shit. And they're gonna be like, you know what? Now you know, whatever it is. So it's like, I'm just. I'm seeing down the road that people who are, like, upset with me at a place that I just kind of like. I like to sit on the wall, you know? I mean, it's funny. I. I was talking to Bert Kreischer last week on the phone for a minute.
B
Dropper.
A
Yeah. Yeah. The Machine. And you guys familiar with the Machine? Free Bert, premiering I think this week. But I, I talked to him. I was telling him something. I was like, I go, dude, I want to see if you would cry at this thing that made me. Makes me sad, this dance. I go, it's an SNL performance by Sia. He goes, I know Sia. I go, I know you know Sia. Dude, you're the machine. You go into a party and take your shirt off and draw attention. I stand against the wall and hope no one talks to me. I know. I'm just asking you if you dance. I know Sia. Of course you do, dude. You've probably been in a building where she was at and you made sure she knew you. I don't live my life like that. I wish I lived my life like that. I don't. I do not live out loud. Exactly. Bert Kreischer would have had his shirt off. He would have had three of the hand job girls in the tour bus, drinking, doing shots with him. I'm just like, let me leave them be. They have, they're. They're going through something.
B
But there, there's a middle ground is what you're not seeing. There's you and there's Bert. There's somewhere in the middle.
A
I don't know, I don't have. There's no middle ground. Because what I want to do for the sake of funny, it just become. You're. Now you're shitty.
B
How do you know that you're a shitty person? How do you know they don't have a great sense of humor? How do you know the girl?
A
Because they woke up in the morning to protest don't send us home or handjob.
B
That's the greatest thing ever. If you went in there and like, if you just were in the middle of them, spinning around, catching their signs, just being like, you know, I. I'm behind you guys. I'm with you, right?
A
I. When I'm with somebody who does that. Yeah, I hate that when they go, oh, dude, I'll come right back. Yeah, like, let them jerk or whatever. The. They start their chance that they're serious about and someone jumps in. They're like, they're like the person you're with, joking, but like, they're doing it with them. I'm like, you're being a dick to those. I don't know why. I don't know why. It just hits me like that. I'm like, I'm like, ah, dude, be funny.
B
If you went in, it I'm an empath.
A
Is that what they call that?
B
No. Coward, maybe. Maybe also you should have just. You had me on the phone, though. I could have done the maybe. I think I was trying. I think I. You know what I did when you were recording, because I am an influencer.
A
You am? I.
B
Screen captured your video.
A
Did you?
B
Yes, I did.
A
Wow, that's pretty impressive.
B
I screen captured your video. What day was it? Oh, here it is. I got it right here.
A
Okay.
B
But there's no sound. This is just. I'll send it to you. His video. Oh, my God, you're so nervous. It's all these women and you keep. Oh, my God. And it goes. Look, it just goes right to the ground. It goes right to your feet. It go. It's literally a perfect video of all the people. And you could almost just about read the signs. And then it just goes to him walking away, running away.
A
So what, dude?
B
Whatever, dude. We could have had a great video. Hey, I'm sending it to the thing. Christine, you got it? Yeah. Well, some people got it and some people don't.
A
Jay, I don't know what that means.
B
That means you don't got it. You know? Yeah, I do mean that.
A
Now you don't.
B
Dude, watch the video. It's. It's kind of humiliating. It's just the ground.
A
Nope, not at all.
B
It's the ground and then that's it. It's your feet. Nice shoes, by the way. Those are cool sneakers.
A
Thank you.
B
Those Nikes wearing shorts outside. Was it cold? It's all your feet. It's just Jay's feet.
A
The video. Yeah, I kept putting it down.
B
It's your feet. And then you show me your pink fingernails. It looked like the girl hand for a second, so. You have such pretty hands. And then it says, oh, here it is. It's not. No, dude, you have the whole fucking thing wrong. It's not about saving the women who are jerking people off. It's. It's for. To keep them there. To let people jerk off so they can jerk off more. Yeah, it's their human trafficking. They're trying to stop the massage places.
A
Correct.
B
They want to save the women. They want to end the massage places.
A
Indeed.
B
Yeah.
A
I'm airdropping this to Lou to Black Lewis is like an airdrop.
B
Human Trafficking summit is. Human trafficking is harmful.
A
Accept it, dude. Yeah, you got it. Okay.
B
You get it from me. Yeah.
A
You buy it from Bobby or me? I got from both of you.
B
But you did. That's what you want.
A
She wants to get It.
B
We should get it for at skank Fest. Get her to give her the full bonfire. Yeah, dude. It's all right. What are you gonna do? It was frustrating, though.
A
I know.
B
It was very frustrating for me.
A
When you hung up, you were frustrated with me.
B
Well, because you. You were six feet away from walking in the middle of all these people or walking up to them, and you didn't have to say anything. It's just hold your camera up and that's what they want.
A
But when I held it up, though, he said, go over there if you're gonna film, and I freaked out.
B
You know your camera has zoom, right?
A
Huh? You have zoom, does it?
B
Yeah, it has. Yeah. You could literally be across the street and zoom in.
A
How do you do? Is that an extra lens you have to buy?
B
No, you actually. Yeah, you just pinch your hand. Free little fingers. You just pinch your fingers and it zooms.
A
Do you know that my big monster hand zoom too much? I can't zoom a little. I zoom too much and then it's just all pixelated. Fucking Chinese people. Handjob queen.
B
First of all, there was no Chinese people. There was, like, mostly white chicks in there.
A
There's a lot of Asian people with those Asian signs up. Did you get it? It's uploading. Oh, God, here we go.
B
It's. Yeah, that would have been a great video. Can I be honest with you, though? The fight thing, I agree with you.
A
I.
B
The fighting thing, I. I actually saw a homicide and getting kicked out of a store by two police. And she came out and started freaking out when I was getting out of therapy last Tuesday, and I started videotaping, and then she just turned and looked at me, and I immediately just put my phone down and I ran across the street and I tried to videotape, and then the cops looked at me, and I put my phone down. That is intimidating, you know, but a protest wants you to videotape them. They want the publicity. They want people to hold their phones up and show them what they're doing. They're out there. Why? Why would they do it? They're screaming and yelling into a megaphone.
A
But they want people to come up there and be like, this is really something, what you guys are doing. Or come up there and be like, no, this is bullshit. Blah, blah, blah. They don't want some fucking fetid being in there and being like, who gives the best hand job out of the crew?
B
Yeah, but you don't know.
A
That's all I have. I don't care about their cause. Is this mine? Yeah, this is me. This. I had to cut about a minute at the end of this off. But don't worry, it's just more of the same.
B
This is in front of me.
A
What do I say? What do I say in the beginning? Turn it up, crank it up to 10, rip the knob off. Here they go. I'm filming.
B
You felt that lady looks right at you, put your fi. You, yeah, she looked at you.
A
I go, okay, wait, I'm okay, I'm okay.
B
Shadows.
A
And then more people walking near me. So I panic. Camera goes down.
B
Camera goes back up, back up.
A
Now. I'm going now. Like, I got this. They hand me the paper. Maybe he's whispering it, but I think he's saying to me, I wonder if you could hear him say to me, if you could just go over there. And I went, oh, I even film.
B
Why?
A
Why do they publicize that there?
B
Oh, he could.
A
Yeah, here he is. He's saying to me right now. They're asking if people are going to film. If you could just go over here. And I just. I never hold the camera up again.
B
In the most polite way I've ever heard anybody ask. Hey, man, if you're.
A
By the way, I went where he said and didn't film. I was like, I'm not. What is it here? I freak out, man.
B
Where was this? I mean, it's so funny that he, like, was like, hey, you can film. You just need to do it from, you know, three feet this way. And you're like.
A
I'm not. I'm not even. I'm not even. He's looking at my camera going, I'm not. What? I'm acting like I just got caught like, you know, looking at like a children's bathroom or something. My behavior is that of like someone who's red handed on something. So many. Everyone was filming. I panicked.
B
Shadows for the rest of the. Oh, you got. Yeah, you get that bench is nice though.
A
Yeah. I went back there and then I was like. I go, they don't want me to really film at all, I don't think. Once in a while I go up to show you that other people are filming, though.
B
These protests are the worst asses ever.
A
Oh, my God.
B
Just a bunch of dumpy jeans.
A
That's why they keep you. They always keep you in front with the hand. Hand work, so you never look at their asses. Look at that.
B
All gutter. We just get. What town is this?
A
Tacoma, Washington.
B
Oh, great. Great streets.
A
Nice streets.
B
Streets are clean. Look at that gutter.
A
Nice Streets Beautiful. That was a beautiful gutter.
B
Do you got mine? Mine was. I was. I was like, just go in to the crowd.
A
He's so mad at me.
B
Walk in the crowd.
A
Walk with them.
B
Walk with them.
A
I'm like, I don't. What? Walk with them. Is that crazy to me?
B
What? Just go in the crowd. That would have been hilarious if you just went and did a little spin.
A
And they would have been like, who's this? I just can't be the asshole. I'm not good at being the asshole.
B
You would have been a fun guy. They would have been like, oh, thanks for doing that.
A
I don't like making a big thing with, like, if you. I don't know, just anything. When we do stuff, like fully loaded stuff like that, like, someone's gonna come show us how to roll cigars or like, a day like that, right? And we're going through. And you see throughout the room, the people. You know, it's all the comics just sitting in this kind of boardroom thing. And as a person jokes now, everyone. You got to take the leaf and kind of do the. And someone, you know, fill in the blank. Any comic just goes like, oh, this reminds me of a blob. And I'm just like, I'm just never me. I'm just not gonna be the person who does that. I'm like, I'm all right. Like, I'll say it to the person next. Whoever's next to me, I'll go, hey, right? Thing. And make them laugh. But I don't have, like, the.
B
Can we. Is there a course we can put you in? Like, an influencer course?
A
Yeah, I think it's called PTD Flavor Camp. I think they're accepting applications again.
B
This is. This is mine right here. This is I. Screen grabbed. There's no sound. It's just. I wish I. Because the screen grab doesn't get the.
A
Sound because you're screaming at me.
B
I'm screaming at you right now because you're right there, so close.
A
There's a wheelchair person. Don't you want to know what they thought of all this?
B
Oh, my God.
A
I don't even film them that much.
B
Look at all the signs. I just wanted.
A
Oh, wheelchair person. Embarrassing. So I put the camera down again.
B
Look at. He's walking with gutter back again. I'm yelling at you again now. Boston Scaly.
A
The fuck is that?
B
It's a video Facebook.
A
You follow the Boston Scally Cap Company?
B
Yeah. I love him. This. Is that where this hat's from? They notify you for an ad.
A
Hey. A new video for Scally.
B
I. I followed them.
A
Don't.
B
I followed them on the thing and it sends me. It sends me when they put stuff up like I don't know how to take off. The dawn.
A
The new Scally cab vids out the.
B
What do you call it? The.
A
Notification. Pause it. I got. I showed you the thing, Bobby.
B
Yeah.
A
The paper.
B
Yeah. I just read this right there. Freezing that and zoom in. This is not about saving them. It's about saving them from jerking people off. I thought it was about saving.
A
I think it's about don't deport them. No.
B
This is about their human trafficking.
A
No, no, but I think there's. There's an ice thing in there. But I think it's saying like you're deporting us when you should actually be saving us from jerking off guys.
B
We'll never know because your fucking investigation skills stank.
A
I don't understand how it works. It's impossible.
B
Right there, right there. It's. It's like part blurred. It says blurred.
A
I think I have it at home.
B
Human trafficking.
A
Yeah.
B
Which all these women are. Apparently all the hand job places are trafficked.
A
I like after you've gone 700 times now, he goes, you know, it turns out, I don't think they're into it. I found that out the third time I went and a door opened and they were all sleeping on floor mattresses.
B
That's cultural.
A
I don't think I went back. I don't think I've gone back since that. That was jarring neither. Dude, Todd Barry's special was playing in the lobby. His half hour special. And a door opened. Dude. It was just a bunch of like girls in dresses laying on floor mattresses all over this room.
B
They had Todd Barry. Were they trying to fucking people? Keep people from not coming?
A
I couldn't understand why, but I always find. By the way, I would tell Todd.
B
Barry I had to keep the guys no come cool quick Todd Barry special on they'll board them and their dick could go down.
A
When I first got to meet Todd Barry, I remember telling that right away I go, you know, it's funny, dude. I watched your half hour special in a whorehouse lobby.
B
Yeah, that's where I actually promote most of my stuff. Yeah, that's where my fan base goes. That'd be a great way to promote your special.
A
And straight house lobbies.
B
That's all my fan base.
A
Hell yeah, dude.
B
Middle aged guys, just bald, gray beards.
A
Yeah. Oh, dude, on the, on the urinal Pucks in the. In the men's room of a whorehouse.
B
Yeah, on the table. Shower dude.
A
After you've just been jacked off by a. A sex traffic slave. And then you go, it goes, man, you feel bad about yourself and you go, oh, maybe this will make me laugh.
B
Put a little iPad through the hole on the massage bed while you're getting your asshole tickled.
A
Maybe a fucking. An advertisement on the urinal puck. But the urinal puck also has a QR code.
B
Yeah, there you go.
A
So you could film your piss puddle and find out and then get sent a direct link to Bobby Kelly.
B
Bobby Kelly's new special.
A
Bobby Kelly's new piss Special. You so crazy. You should just call your next special the name of a special that already exists. Bobby Kelly Delirious.
B
What is Chappelle's new special? I'm the Best.
A
No, no, no, it's not called that.
B
I'm the greatest.
A
Are you trying to lead me into saying it? Because I can't say it. It's called the Unstoppable N Word Project or something. The Unstoppable N word Act. Act. The Unstoppable N word Act. Yeah, they just call it the Unstoppable dot dot, dot on the show. But yeah, that's what it's called. The Unstoppable N Word Act. N word Hard R. Yeah, Hard R.
B
Hard R was something.
A
Hard R and hard R depending on.
B
Who he's around now. You really stopped going to these places after you walked in and saw the. The Them sleeping on the. That bugged you.
A
It. The whole. You know what's funny? Yes. That started to bug me more. And then I remember my ex wife got an argument with me about. Because I was arguing about street prostitution. Like people going to street prostitutes is like, whatever. Like those girls want money for drugs and stuff like that. It's like, no, she's kind of giving me the other side of two. It's like. Yeah, you're just like exploiting them though, do you know? I mean, it's like you're giving them $5 to sell. It's like. It's just like a horrible. Like you're being shitty to them too.
B
Who the fuck is that? Skid Row.
A
Yeah, Skid Row head.
B
In the 1820s.
A
No, we used to drive when we lived in Astoria. We would drive back.
B
Yeah, you dick suck with Doc Holliday.
A
I think it was the end of this being a thing. I think it was the end of it being a thing. Possibly, but still, in Astoria, when I first moved There. And I guess 2001 or two, if you drive around the Plaza, Queensbridge Plaza there, they were still like in those back streets where it's all like auto body shops and stuff, there were still street walking prostitutes for five bucks. I don't know, I didn't get one. But I mean, like, I was arguing though, that was different than the massage parlors are up and they're like, no, this is up too. Like, they're not sex slaves, obviously, but.
B
It'S like you're a woman's body, her choice.
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's just like the whole process. If you're willing to someone who's got like an ashy snatch, then you should like, you should be regulated and you should be able to get somebody without an ashy snatch.
B
So I. But I think that the massage place is better than a whore, a whore on the street, don't you think?
A
I think it's very similar because they're.
B
Just giving you a really good back rub and then they're going to do the evolution of a massage.
A
Well, you. The hand job. Like the places we went weren't. I think they call them hand job. But you could in every one of those places. I think. Yeah. If you negotiated this place. But the place we went wasn't even a negotiation. This is what you were paying for. Immediately you're going. I mean, the rub, the, the thing. But it wasn't like a hand job place. I only went to like one place of like the three times. Maybe like five times total.
B
I heard they're all hand job places now. They don't anymore.
A
Oh, that might be true.
B
That's what I heard.
A
That's very possibly true.
B
They don't. They don't. And no, I was hearing from my cigar lounge, underneath is a massage place.
A
Yeah.
B
Above the Renaissance cigar place. And I talked to a friend of mine who's a cop detective, and I was like, it's right downstairs. He goes, yeah, don't go. I'm like, why? He goes, if you're gonna go, I'll let you know when you can go, but don't go. Now the FBI is. They got cameras in there and everything. I was like, what?
A
Bob Kraft over here.
B
Apparently they did, they, they. The FBI is involved in all those.
A
Things and I'm sure a lot of them. It would be fine though, to see security camera of a girl getting ready to blow you and then you flipping backwards over the massage chair, just me.
B
Holding my legs back and she's going, I don't have penis Just like the.
A
Weightlifting, like the Weightlifting video. Every time you lay down, you fall backwards over something. Oh, gee. Oh, Jesus. Then an Indian guy comes in and goes, are you okay? All good guys. You know, running a business is complicated. There's dozens of software programs that you need, and they're all so expensive. And since they come from different companies, they don't always play nice with one another. But what can you do, right? Odoo. That's what Odoo has all the software business owners need. We're talking sales, CRM, manufacturing websites, literally every kind of software, and it's all on one platform. So it works together and it's quality software, so you're not sacrificing. It's simply a better experience than a hodgepodge of programs. You'd expect to pay a premium for it, right? But that's the most amazing part about Odoo. This interconnected suite of business software costs less than the mini mash of disconnected programs you're currently using. So the question is, why spend more on software programs that are less efficient when Odoo's simple software platform can handle everything for a fraction of the price? Discover how Odoo can take your business to the next level by visiting odoo.com. that's o d o o odoo.com. we've all been there. You hold on to a coupon, hoping to cash it in at the store.
B
But then you forget about it and.
A
Suddenly you've got a mountain of useless expired coupons. Do you think this one's still good?
B
Free milk. Oh, mate, that expired in 1993.
A
Dang it.
B
Fortunately, there are better ways to save money, like by switching to Geico. You could save about $900 on car.
A
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B
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A
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B
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A
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B
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A
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A
Offer of half off unlimited wireless. So here's the idea. You get it now you call it an early present for next year.
B
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A
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B
He thinks it's your protest, not his video. Massage parlor workers advocating for inclusion at the Washington human trafficking. Look at this fantastic video from an influencer.
A
This is probably definitely it.
B
Oh, it's great. Look at it. You can see the signs.
A
Oh, that's totally. That's my hotel. Yeah, that's it. Support.
B
What does it say?
A
Workers rights means workers rights. Not ice. See, Told you. Ice.
B
I'm for this, by the way.
A
Yeah, let them. Give them. Give them insurance if you're gonna have them whack people off. Where am I hiding? I'm cowering in a corner somewhere.
B
Be funny if you're in this video. Just cowering in the background.
A
I think there's a chance my fast food trash might be on next to the trash can out there. I hate when they unite.
B
Remember we got caught in that Macy's. That's it. That's it. What a shitty protester.
A
He love you long, time, buddy.
B
If you could have.
A
If you could have sucky, sucky.
B
If you could have just played that on your phone, that would have been hilarious.
A
I don't know how to do it.
B
If me and you were there, I could have played oh, I'm Me so horny. You could have videotaped me running through.
A
That's what I mean. That's what to me, what's funny about that is if I wanted. If you're like, you could snap your fingers and the funniest thing happens. Yeah, it's me so horny playing on a boombox while those girls are talking about not getting deported so they can give hand jobs. They want better situations for that. And playing. This is so funny. But in my mind I. The people that are like, I'm just.
B
Too.
A
Like, sensitive to that. But people like, for the bunch of people later that are going to laugh at that, I can't sacrifice the 50 people there going like, dude, really, why are you being an asshole? Dude, they're doing it. And I'm like, yeah, no, I know. I am being an asshole. This is not my deal. I didn't set this up you could have.
B
There's a middle ground you need to find.
A
It falls in line to the same people. Remember that guy Boonk Gang we used to watch? Remember the guy back in the day? It's same thing. It's. It falls. And I know it's not as harsh or as shitty doing that stuff, but to me it falls. And that was. The guy used to go around Times Square to like, the people would have like their little tents, you know, the little situation set up with like paintings or whatever or little trinkets and little monuments from New York. And he would go like, kick those over and smash them up and like laugh and film up. But it's all, it's to me. But it's all born of the same thing. Fucking with the unsuspected for like this.
B
Yeah, but that's terrible. What you, if you walked in and just got a little video of somebody, is this for jerking off? And not jerking off.
A
Right.
B
Would have been hilarious.
A
But I feel like when, when they go, if the person who I do that to, I'm pick on the. Let's say it's a 5% chance that they're going to go, dude, really? And I'm going to go, what? No, I meant like it's a real question.
B
What if you walked up and went, hey, I'll let you guys open till. Do you guys do table showers?
A
Bobby, these are all killer questions. I'm telling you, I don't have any.
B
Can I just do a half hour, but get the full hour experience? Do you guys do two hours? Just legs. Wink.
A
You gotta, you gotta know your limitations, dude.
B
We gotta get your Ray Bans.
A
Dude, if I went to a massage place, I'd rather get whacked off than a massage, I'll tell you that. I don't like massages. I don't necessarily love getting whacked off, I don't think. But I would take that over.
B
I love the massage. When I used to go, I love the whole massage and then it leads into the thing and then it's like.
A
Oh, no one's good at massages and wax you off. Those things don't exist.
B
That's not true.
A
I think it is true.
B
No, it's not true. These, these sex trafficked people are really good at massage.
A
But you've only gone to slaves. You've never gone to like an actual massage.
B
No, I've got. I, I actually went to a regular massage place.
A
It didn't whack you off. And it wasn't as good because I Told I they weren't a slave.
B
No, I did.
A
I do.
B
Went to a regular place. And then I. I went to her once.
A
You can't get hard if someone's making a fair wage.
B
That's. Is that true with everybody? I mean, that's true with successful people. Correct. It's true at Lewis. I. Listen, I went to this place, and it was legit. They didn't whack you off. And it was right around the corner from the cellar. Right now. I think it's a bubble tea place. But it was a little place. And I went in there and there was, like, you know, other women. There was, you know, tourists in there. And I was so frustrated with her because I thought it was. And I had this little thing like this seems, like, disgusting, but they were open late, too, which is like. Most massage places close at 7. They were open to, like, 11 letters.
A
Go down, Penis come out. Gross.
B
And then I remember I went in there and I said, I go, two hours, just my legs. And by an hour and ten, you retarded. She grabbed my hand and put it on my own penis.
A
Did she really?
B
Yeah, she goes.
A
You.
B
You go. You go. I wore her out, dude.
A
She jerked you off.
B
She was just like, I'm too t.
A
She did jerk you off.
B
She took my hand.
A
But she was jerking you off first and then was like, now you take over.
B
No, she took my hand and put it on my penis.
A
She never touched your dick?
B
All over my hand.
A
Over your hand?
B
Yeah, she, like, used my hand to do it.
A
Because she was not a hand job lady.
B
She wasn't supposed to do it. I don't think it was a hand job place. I think it was just one of those massage places. Massage foot. You remember that place right next to the cell, right around the corner from Ben's?
A
No, but I will say, I think you sexually assaulted a lady.
B
Well, actually, she sexually assaulted me, if you want to get technical.
A
Technically, you sexually assaulted.
B
She made me sexually assault myself. She raped me.
A
But the fact that she had you jerk off with your wiener out at all when it was a place that doesn't do jerk off.
B
Yeah, that was weird. That's weird. That's weird. Yeah. In court, I'd be like, I didn't even. I went there for a massage. I was just lagging. She made me jerk myself off.
A
That was a good flip. That was a good flip. Flop. I didn't see that coming. I like it.
B
I just. I think it's weird, too, because prostitutes don't need pimps anymore because of The Internet.
A
No, but they still get sucked. They're. They're, for the most part, stupid, uneducated people. You run a mill prostitute, for the most part. So they're easily. Especially the level. That would be like in pimp and stuff like that. It's always. They're just dumb. Like talk their manipulator into it. Lewis is our pimp.
B
Yeah, we're his.
A
He thinks we're his.
B
You're his bottom, by the way. At least you're his bottom.
A
Good, good. I get to live in the big house.
B
Yeah, you get to live with him. I have to. I have to be on the street all the time. 30 of my money.
A
Yeah. When he takes me to a chalet and puts a necklace around my neck, tells me I've earned it. I had a good year.
B
Yeah, you're. You're a hot. I'm a fat whore. I don't make him enough money. It's. Yeah. I remember when I used to come to New York, all the. On 43rd street, over by the bus station and all the peep shows. You couldn't even. You couldn't even get down the street late at night on Friday and Saturday because it was all street walkers and.
A
They couldn't get down the street.
B
No, it was you. You were. Who is that? That's not me.
A
Toll free. Call spam. Answer it.
B
Answer it.
A
It's. I can't keep happening. It's a. I'll tell you who it is. It's an underwriting person who's told me that my loan for $64,000 has been approved. I know because I get eight of them a day.
B
Why is that? Solar. I get solar.
A
Never. Never asked for a $64,000 loan in my life, but I'm always approved for it.
B
I have somebody calling me all the time trying to buy my New Hampshire land and tiny homeland.
A
Really?
B
Yeah. They think that all the time. They're like, hey, we're just interested in buying. It's like, dude, I'm not. I just got it. Selling it. Leave me alone. But sometimes I'd be like, all right, dude, call me back. I did that for a while. Just call me back on Wednesday. I'll be free Wednesday. And then they call me Wednesday. My dude in a meeting right now. You got to call me back on like Friday or something. And they just keep calling you back. Yeah, because it's cold. And they keep calling you. And then finally it's like, dude, I can't do it. I'm sorry. He's like, all right. Bye.
A
Yeah, if I went through my voice mails, it's almost exclusively. Like, if you read them, it's like, hey, I'm filling the girl or guy's name. It changes every time. Calling from underwriting services. $64,000 loan has been approved. Great news. So we should talk further about whatever. I didn't apply for any of these things.
B
It's crazy that you just get a $65,000 loan. If you want one, though.
A
The whole thing's definitely just to get my email or something. I don't think there's $64,000 there, Bobby.
B
I think you're trying to get it. And let's divvy it out in the room.
A
Brody. Steven's doing a strong finish bit over on Raw Dog right now. Also a little depressing.
B
Why don't you get that loan and get some whores? Have you ever paid for a hooker?
A
Yeah, I went to those places we just talked about.
B
No, but, like, a whore whore. Like, give a. Like, go to your hotel room and order one.
A
Oh, just the one. When I did Comic View, as soon as I got to my hotel room.
B
Treated yourself.
A
Never been to a hotel before by myself in my life, you know, that was Comic View. So you had to pay for your own flight out there, put yourself up in a hotel by the airport. And I went in the phone book, yellow pages, that's all. You know, the first thing I was like, they said, and they sent over this. I remember I had $200 cash. Again, like, all of my money. This is the same weekend I ended up at my uncle's house. Getting bit by a spider was a whole ordeal. This Comic View was such a big story in my life for. It doesn't even exist. The footage of it doesn't even exist, especially a show itself. But, yeah, I got to the hotel and I called. They sent over this. I mean, this chick was so Atlanta. I mean, a fat booty big mama came over and just like, yeah, we fucked in the hotel room in 10 minutes, 15 minutes. And she just left. Very unceremonious. And I was like, did it.
B
Wait, isn't there the. The Trinidad story where you were like, are you the girl?
A
I got robbed. Yeah, that was getting robbed. That wasn't getting a prostitute.
B
You got robbed in Trinidad?
A
Yeah. And then me and another comedian goes to a story I've told you before, I think, where we got, like, supposed to be sisters. Showed up to a hotel room, actually, I guess. And then once with me and Kurt Metzger, once. And then the other one was the other comic. I was up in Niagara Falls, and two sisters came, and I picked the wrong sister.
B
Which one did you get? The one with the dead tooth and freckles?
A
No, the one who wasn't super into it and got her period during.
B
I'm gonna throw up. Are you sure it was her period?
A
Yeah, I was.
B
Wasn't a wound.
A
I was. I'm very sure. Because I went, what's that? And then her sister goes, bitch, you're bleeding.
B
She knew I was just wearing a.
A
Prom dress and just getting drilled by my friend on the other bed. I mean, working her over. It was so funny. He took the Pro Pro.
B
Jacob's dirt. Look at Jacob's disgusting face.
A
He took the Pro Pro. You know, it's funny. I thought about last night. He took the Pro pro and girl. And I took, like, her sister who came along in my mind, going, like, well, I'm getting the regular person, so it'll be a more regular thing. Instead of, like, this pro. Just, like, you know, again. In my few experiences, it's always been, like, I found to be very clinical.
B
Yeah.
A
They're like, all right, I'm here. Have you come yet? All right, bye. You know, I mean, it seems very like that. And I was like, she was definitely.
B
Regular every 30 days. Right on your dick.
A
Yeah. So with that experience being so bad, I remember me and Metzger, two girls came over. We were in Florida a million years ago, and it was almost identical situation. Like, one girl came over, two done up. She's the girl. The person coming with me is my friend who doesn't really do this very often, but she comes with me sometimes. That girl's in sweatpants and a wife beater. Cute. Very cute. And, in fact, more attractive than the Pro Pro girl. But I. When they showed up, I was like, well, I'm gonna jump on the Pro Pro real quick because it'll be better, you know, I just know from my other experience this will be better. Then the girl doesn't know anything. And then the exact opposite. The Pro Pro was again, like, you done yet? You finished? And then look over to Kurt Metzger. Making passionate love with a very attractive woman. I was like, yeah, like the fuck, dude? I make bad choices.
B
They went to Denny's together, Buddy.
A
It's crazy. I looked over, I was like, oh, man. They're having such great, awesome fun, passionate sex. And this girl's like, literally, this goes, like, checking messages while she's wagging me off.
B
They won't go to Moons Over Miami together.
A
That was so funny. Yeah, I always pick wrong. Yeah, I always pick wrong. And we were young, young. Me, another comic, a street walking prostitute, he wanted a blowjob from her, so he did. I go, all right, if you do it, I'll do it. So she sucked his dick in the back seat, and then I sucked his dick.
B
If she does it, I'll do it.
A
What a night. If she goes, I'll go, he. So but while she's, I'm sitting in the front seat, he came in her mouth and she had a big Erykah Badu fucking like, thing on her head. And she goes. I remember just coming up and going. She goes, motherfucker. She goes. And she spits it out the car window and goes, that's extra. And then got out and started walking off. But I was gonna. And I remember just slowly back in the car up. And I was like, I was, I was gonna go too. Like, you just kept walking to it like, hey, I know you seem like, just backing up. Hey, I know you seem like you're in kind of a bad mood, but I was going to go to fuck you.
B
You can say that, but you can't film. Yeah, I know, huh? Back up to an angry whore. You can't walk up to these ladies.
A
You got to give me the right motivation. If you were like, if you were like, hey, if you go be funny for these Asian prostitutes, they'll all go whack you off. I'd be like, all right, I'll go be funny for that reason. But if you're just like, just for funny sake. I'm like, nah, dude, they're going to think I'm an asshole.
B
You should have went that night to one of those massage parlor places and be like, did I see you this afternoon?
A
Were you, oh, I remember you from the protest. I got this fly. Is that like any off? Do I get anything off?
B
If you scan the code, you get 20, 20% off, buddy.
A
I watched a body cam thing of. There's a guy, he's a crazy guy who went into a massage parlor. Like the week prior was fine, I guess. Goes in again and they tell him, and they have closed caption, closed circuit television of this. He's. He goes in, they're like, oh, you know, sorry, not today. Like, you know, all booked up. They're. They're booked. And he's crazy. So he loses his mind. He goes and gets like a wood stick and comes in and starts beating the living at every chick in this place.
B
Oh, my God.
A
But the funny thing of it was that's not funny is when they do the. They're, you know, back at the police station investigating.
B
If there was a Benny Hill music over it, it would have been funny.
A
Oh yeah, very funny. For sure. Or that song again when the Asian guy drunk gets drunk and rides the tricycle and Revenge of the Nerds.
B
Depends on the sound bed underneath. Yeah, I'm sure if you get that video and put the right sound bed. Yeah.
A
Smack. Where was I in the story? Give me back. Jacob, you. The guy beat these women, then went to the police station and. Well, yeah, they ultimately he beats one girl, like unconscious outside. It's pretty wild seeing such a human side of these girls also being like, yo, this is go. And having to call the police.
B
None of them knew kung fu.
A
Not one.
B
Wow.
A
There might have been a couple up in the trees that got away. They may have crouching tigered, but I don't know. I didn't see it. Not on video. But there was people. There's guys in the rooms getting jerked off. Probably you'd assume, because the guy, when they, they talk to one of the guys who's given just his recount of the thing and he goes, yeah, he came in all crazy and like hit the girl. And then like. And then he like grabbed my wallet and I was like, hey man, can I have the wallet back? I'm not going to be a hero. He has to tell the cops that. He said that. Like, oh, yuck, dude, I wouldn't have did that. It's in the history.
B
I would have fought the guy. I would have fought and defended all those women and then lived in that place with them as their master.
A
Or if you type in the search, CCTV captures. I mean they're all getting. They massage parlors. Have to go to the police and say I was, I was minding my own business, getting whacked off. I was getting whacked off. I didn't come though. So it's not illegal. Right. I don't know if I read that somewhere.
B
That is so frightening. That is like the biggest fear when I used to go to those places is that when the, the, the, the Ding dong and you hear somebody else coming in that it's going to be some type of nightmare. The cops, the FBI, some guy loses it. What are you gonna do? You can't get interviewed. I can't interview.
A
I gotta run. You're going to. Don't go through history, okay? Search that on YouTube.
B
CCTV captures. Massage parlor.
A
Yes. I only went to Wand in my entire life.
B
That's A trap. You should go to more. You should have a coffee cup at one in Florida.
A
It was in Florida.
B
You should.
A
You should.
B
You should walk in there, go, Jacob, and applaud. Oh, Jacob here.
A
It was a while ago.
B
Why don't you go all the way?
A
It was a birthday gift from my friend.
B
Buddy, I know what to get you next Christmas. We should get him. We.
A
Massage parlor coupons. Hang on. That's. Is this the thing here?
B
Is that Billy Burr?
A
That might be the guy. Now. It's five years ago. That's it. No, it's this one. It's the case. The catching, the brutal attack up there, the two weeks ago thing. This is. That's somebody doing a reaction to it. Okay, but it's a. They may have a link to the actual thing in the. Yeah, let me comments there because that's pretty wild what this guy does. But I love so much the guy sitting there. He's like, yeah, guy one on my wall. Just go. I'm like, I'm not gonna be a hero, pal. Weird thing to tell the cops. I'm not gonna try to stop this from happening. Go ahead. Hey, beat these Asian girls to death.
B
I don't give a. Dude, it cost 100. It costs $70 for an hour. I only have 120. Exactly enough for a hand job tip.
A
Oh, we gotta take a break.
B
Ooh, yeah, we gotta take a break.
A
Ooh. Be right back. We're hanging out with Paco.
B
Paco's here. The boys are here. One girl.
A
One girl. Oh, by the way, what's up? Because I know we have to get it. Write our own plugs for the other person to read. But again, I don't, you know me, I don't like, write my own stuff. I don't like being out there. So I asked my management if they could start writing my plugs for me. And I told him. I was like, well, Bobby's agreeable. Bobby will read my plugs just straight up. Just let people know. He wants to just make sure we focus on the things that are important. Like the right gigs that are important stuff.
B
Right? Because you're not. You're not doing it right.
A
I'm probably doing it wrong.
B
So he.
A
So I was like, if you would do me a favor, if you would just write the plugs for me, I will read it. It would make it easier. And then Bobby will read. I read his plugs verbatim straight up. Yeah, make him sound good.
B
That's great.
A
I go. So he'll just. He'll put. I Go. Bobby also is like a guy. He's an actor. So like he can put. If you write, if you put on the page, he'll sell it, buddy.
B
I'm an actor. I'm a hero. I'm a fan fan.
A
I'm a lot fan fan.
B
Yep. I'm a fans fan.
A
Yeah. You're a fan of that. Fan fan.
B
All right. Yeah. Let's hit it. Let's go to break. We'll come back. But before we do that, these plugs have been written by Jay's manager.
A
After you. Don't say that.
B
Okay, sorry. Listen, I just said that I'm an actor.
A
Yeah, you read everything that's on the page.
B
I read everything that's on the page.
A
Direction, though.
B
And I read it all the time.
A
Yeah.
B
You know what I mean? I have to read it over. After an astonishing run of sold out shows in Tacoma, Washington, InterBangs 2025 Comedian of the year. Big Jay Okerson will be bringing his award winning comedy routine to good nights in Raleigh, North Carolina this weekend. There's only a few tickets left, so please, please, please buy them now so you can be one of the few lucky people to ring in MLK Day with Big J. Then the star of the Interbangs in Tarabang. Sorry, I felt your eyes in terror Bangs best. I wasn't voted, so I don't read it.
A
You shut everybody's eyes.
B
Enter energy in the room in Tara Bang's best independent comedy special of 2025. It's for real. It's for real. He won every award. Will be headlining the Chicago improv in Schaumburg January 23rd to the 25th. Want to come Saturday? Too bad those shows are sold out and have been ages ago. There are only a few tickets remaining for Friday. This is one of the larger comedy clubs in the country, so that means next time he'll be in an arena. So this is the last time you'll be able to see him in the biggest comedy club in the country. This is your last chance to see Jay in an intimate setting of a comedy club before he makes the leap into arenas. Finally, January 30th to the 31st, he'll be returning to Nyack, New York. Listen, guys, you may not know this about Jay, but. But he really loves his manager. That's why he's agreed to headline a comedy club named after the company his management works at. Levity Live. Get your tickets now to support Big J and his amazing manager.
A
Bobby Kelly's gonna be at McCurdy's Comedy Theater. In Sarasota January 16th and 17th. After that, he's gonna be at Poughkeepsie, New York Comedy Works south in Colorado and Batavia. We're called Batavia, Illinois, depending on who you are. For tickets and all the tour dates go to Punchup Live. Robert Kelly. Check out his new YouTube channel, YouTube.comoberTKellyComedy where you can get all kinds of Bobby Kelly content. Woo. Every seven or every Tuesday. Every seventh, every seventh Tuesday and every first and second Tuesday. Also all the Tuesdays at 7pm he's the fat black Pussycat lounge at the Comedy Cellar. Make sure you check him out there. If you find yourself in the NYC area. Wheel.
B
Yeah. I want nothing be except right back.
A
My heart Sunday my heart. That's not you. You're not on the team.
B
I'm a fans fan.
A
You don't have a jersey.
B
I do.
A
You don't. You have a fucking a shirt that Chinese fucking gay father made in a sweatshop.
B
This is supporting massage parlor women everywhere. When I buy stuff is it? Yeah. They can work here instead of jerking guys like you and we'll be right back. It's the bonfire. Real talent is defined by what people can do, not where they learn to do it. So by stopping at the education section.
A
Of a resume, you might throw away the perfect hire skills first.
B
Hiring helps you see talent others miss, like more than 70 million stars skilled through alternative routes let their story unfold and gain a competitive advantage. Because hiring managers who start with skills are 60% more likely to find a successful hire higher skill first.
A
Learn why at tear the paper ceiling.org.
B
Brought to you by OpportunityAtWork and the Ad Council. Hi, it's me, Katie Nolan.
A
Download the latest episode of Casuals with Katie Nolan.
B
Featuring Boston royalty Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. We talk about their new Netflix movie, the Rip, and of course, our New England Patriots. How are we feeling about Drake May? Oh, we love Drake May.
A
I mean, it's like a miracle. How do you get another really good quarter? It's.
B
I thought I'd be dead before New England had another great football.
A
You can find casuals on the SiriusXM.
B
App Pandora, or wherever you get your podcasts.
A
And don't forget to follow the show so you never miss an episode. Love you mean it.
Episode: Massage Parlor Protests
Date: January 20, 2026
Host: SiriusXM’s Faction Talk (Channel 103)
In this lively episode, comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly embark on a hilarious, unfiltered ride exploring the intersection of pop culture, sports fandom, and the bizarre world of massage parlor protests. The main theme is Jay’s firsthand account of witnessing (and awkwardly failing to document) a protest involving massage parlor workers—allegedly connected to issues of human trafficking and immigration—outside his hotel in Tacoma, Washington. The duo riffs comedically on everything from sports loyalty and bootleg fan gear, to the ethics (and embarrassment) of documenting public protests, ending with candid and raunchy tales from their experiences with sex work and massage parlors.
[00:51–11:57]
[05:55–08:23, 11:57–13:13]
[13:13–44:15; Core Segment]
[56:47–58:47]
[61:00–65:45]
The tone is completely unfiltered, raunchy, and self-deprecating, with Jay and Bob frequently mocking themselves, each other, and social conventions. Despite the ridiculousness, the episode occasionally veers into earnest reflection on the boundaries of comedy, fandom, and bystander responsibility.
This episode is quintessential Bonfire: the kind of bracingly honest, riotously funny conversation only two stand-ups with years of road dogging can produce. If you love stories that blend real-life cringe, off-color jokes, and deep-cut comedy culture references, “Massage Parlor Protests” is a must-listen. Through the laughter, you’ll get a subversive look at how comics navigate not just the stage, but the awkwardness of real world absurdity and activism.