Meatballs and Sex

Summary

"Meatballs and Sex"

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly
SiriusXM Faction Talk | September 19, 2025

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Overview

In this riotously candid episode, Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly—joined by regulars Lou, Black Lou, Christine, and Jacob—dive into an evening of hilarious recollections, bold confessions, and their signature stream of unfiltered ribbing. The episode orbits around two main themes: nostalgic (and occasionally contentious) debates over 1990s R&B/hip-hop, plus Jay’s awkwardly sweet, unexpectedly pasta-fueled story about losing his virginity. As usual, their banter uncovers both side-splitting details and real insights into growing up, dating, and life in the comedy trenches.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. 90s R&B, Relationships, and Generational Differences

(01:08 – 22:00)

• Lou’s “Obscure” R&B Beef:
  The crew debates whether DJ Lou hates 90s R&B—a claim which escalates when Black Lou describes his girlfriend’s late-night playlisting. This sparks a game naming “obscure” R&B/hip-hop tracks, exposing generational gaps and racial/cultural switches among the group (White Lou with Black girlfriend, Black Lou with White wife).

• Intercultural Domestic Comedy:

  • Black Lou recounts a night when his girlfriend’s high-energy, wine-fueled R&B session keeps him from sleeping.
  • Jay identifies deeply with Black culture from his upbringing and school days, launching into lightning-round song IDs and impromptu dance moves.

  Quote:

  “White Lou has black girlfriend. Black Lou has white wife. … How many times in a row?” – Jay (01:50)

  Memorable Moment:
  Jay recites “White Lou has black girlfriend, Black Lou has white wife” five times at Lou’s dare—dissolving into laughter as the group tries to keep a straight face.
  (01:57)

• Dancing and Sleep:
  Lou objects to late-night dancing when trying to sleep, which leads to musings about happiest moments:
  Quote:

  “My happiest time is when I realize, like laying on the couch and I have that like… oh shit, like my eyes… I was so comfortable, I’m falling asleep.” – Jay (03:58)

  • Jay imitates various R&B singers as the group quizzes each other, revealing varying levels of knowledge and nostalgia.

2. High School Battle Stories & Cultural Identity

(22:00 – 33:35)

• Show-and-Tell: High School Photos: The group compares memories of their rough-around-the-edges high schools, sharing Google Images to roast their alma maters.

  • Jay describes his “ghetto” Philly upbringing and school, contrasting it to his brief stint at a suburban New Jersey high school.
  • Bobby shares tales of riots—and mistaken ethnic identity—at his (prison-like) Massachusetts school.

  Quote:

  “That school is terrible. I was terrified every time I went to school.” – Lou (29:05)

• Outsider-to-Comic Pipeline:
  The hosts reflect on how childhood outsider status—being “lonely little chubby Jay,” for example—gave them their comedic superpowers.

3. Inappropriate Teachers & “Is it Molestation?”

(33:35 – 44:00)

• Insane Teacher Stories:
  Amidst jokes, guests swap nearly-unbelievable high school tales: teacher-student liaisons, questionable mentoring, and more.

  • Jacob relates that in his school, “teachers were the child champions… I get four off the top of my head that banged students.” (33:43)
  • The hosts debate which inappropriate teacher-student pairings are “less bad” (woman teacher-young boy vs. man teacher-young girl vs. same-sex, etc.), always with a comedic subversion.

  Quote:

  “A female teacher banging a young kid boy is not as bad as a man fucking a chick. And I don’t know why or how.” – Lou (41:00)

• Morality, Jealousy, and Teenaged Sexuality:
  The group approaches taboos with characteristic irreverence, always returning to the inherent weirdness of adolescent encounters.

4. Jay’s Virginity Story: Spaghetti, Hotels & Rookie Moves

(44:00 – 67:00)

The Set-Up:

• Jay lost his virginity at 17 to a 22-year-old woman—and his mother bankrolled the hotel room.
• The evening featured a prelude at the Philly Diner, eating spaghetti and meatballs ("a wild choice for sex pasta," says Lou).
• Jay’s self-deprecating description of his “chubby” teenage self paints a vivid, sweetly awkward scene.

Quote:

“I took her to the Philly diner for a spaghetti dinner. I don’t know why I chose to go spaghetti, meatballs, but I do remember that a wild… choice for sex pasta.” – Jay (48:10)

“My mom gave me money for the hotel room. Yeah.” – Jay (46:06)

The Sex:

• Jay, guided step-by-step by his more experienced partner, learns “what girls like” and receives his first blow job (complete with accidental fart).
• The experience—DWIs, awkward passion, technical instruction—becomes classic Jay material.
• Despite nerves and a full stomach, Jay pulls off a fake orgasm.

Quote:

“She was, like, talking like, hey, now I’m gonna show you, this is what girls like when you do this. So it’s like someone walking me through eating her pussy was interesting.” – Jay (52:46)

“We had spaghetti and meatballs, golfed… you’re a real fucking romancer.” – Lou (51:44)

After farting during oral sex:
“But luckily, I think the sounds of Enigma [the CD playing] flashed it out.” – Jay (59:49)

• Aftermath & Reflection:
  • Jay notes he never actually finished; “The fart helped, that… did knock the comeback a little bit.”
  • The group erupts over the technicalities of fake orgasms, with Jay demonstrating his “fake cum noises” at Lou’s insistence.
    Memorable Audio:
  • Jay’s re-enactment of his “fake orgasm” (66:21)

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Tongue-twister gag:
  “White Lou has black girlfriend. Black Lou has white wife.” – Jay (01:50)

• On the joy of couch-sleep:
  “It's the happiest two minutes of my life.” – Jay (04:18)

• On generational differences in music:
  “For 35 years… I thought you make a face at me masturbating to this by myself.” – Lou (06:37)

• Early awkward romance:
  “I took her to the Philly diner for a spaghetti dinner… wild choice for sex pasta.” – Jay (48:10) “Did you fart during sex?”
  “Yeah.” – Lou & Jay (49:11 – 49:12)

• On instructional teenage sex:
  “She was, like, talking like… ‘I'm gonna show you, this is what girls like when you do this.’” – Jay (52:46)

• Faking it:
  Jay demonstrates his fake orgasm noises at Lou’s goading (66:21)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 90s R&B argument and song quiz: 01:08 – 22:00
• High school tales / photos: 22:00 – 33:35
• Wild teacher stories & moral debates: 33:35 – 44:00
• Jay’s losing-virginity Ferrari of mishaps: 44:00 – 67:20

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Episode Tone & Style

In classic Bonfire fashion, the episode alternates breakneck between roast-comedy, confession, and over-the-top visual humor. The hosts pull no punches, keeping the tone brutally honest, self-effacing, and deeply playful—even while confronting personal and societal taboos. No one is safe from the group’s teasing, least of all themselves.

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Summary

“Meatballs and Sex” exemplifies why The Bonfire remains a favorite in uncensored comedy podcasts: dirty, disarmingly real, frequently outlandish, and oddly heartwarming. With tales of awkward teenage lust, musical nostalgia, and the vivid indignities of growing up as outsiders, Jay and Bobby create a comedy safe-space for all who survived weird childhoods and are still laughing about it.

Transcript

[Jay]

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[Jay]

And now the bonfire with Big J.

[Lou]

Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Jay]

First thing on the list here on our rundown list sheet of the other day. Even though this is the last day of the week, we're coming in. DJ Lou hates 90s R&B. That's just not true.

[Black Lou]

I thought it wasn't true, but now it's totally true.

[Jay]

What are you talking about?

[Black Lou]

My girlfriend, who happens to be black.

[Lou]

I know she's not full black.

[Jay]

Yeah. White Lou.

[Lou]

She's half black.

[Black Lou]

She's black enough.

[Jay]

White Lou has. She's plenty black for Lou.

[Lou]

I thought she was Indian.

[Jay]

I like. White Lou has black girlfriend. Black Lou, white wife. That's very fun. It's a very, very fun thing.

[Lou]

Can you say that again five times real fast?

[Jay]

White Lou. White Lou has black girlfriend. Black Lou has white wife. Black. White Lou has. I got it. How many times in a row?

[Lou]

Five in a row, fast.

[Jay]

White Lou has black girlfriend. Black Lou has white wife. White Lou has black girlfriend. Black Lou has white wife. White Lou has black girlfriend. Black Lou has white wife. White Lou has black girlfriend. Black Lou has white wife. White Lou has black girlfriend. Black Lou has white wife. Boom.

[Lou]

When's the last time you've been to church? My. Huh? Here's the thing. You had a rock like Rainmaker to get it out.

[Jay]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Lou]

You had to turn autistic to make that happen.

[Jay]

That's no doubt. I had to, like.

[Lou]

You had to go into real J. You want to go into real J without pot and the doodads on your face.

[Jay]

I can never just. I can never just be.

[Lou]

No, that's. That's. That's the J that your mom knows.

[Jay]

Oh, yeah.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Are you okay out There she wonders, are you rocking in a hotel room? Yes, mama, yes. Yes.

[Lou]

With a. With a. With a Tony Lukes in your hand.

[Jay]

Mama, I got a rock. I have to rock, mama.

[Lou]

That was crazy.

[Jay]

What has your black girlfriend brought out inside of you? Fury and anger.

[Black Lou]

I was. We had a long day for a while.

[Jay]

You were dressing in fucking sick ass suits and everything. Now you're back, Daddy Vetter. You've put your foot down.

[Lou]

I know.

[Black Lou]

I tended to what I really am.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Black Lou]

So I'm trying to sleep and she's still.

[Lou]

He really does dress like the guy who opens the gate at the track.

[Jay]

Oh, yeah.

[Black Lou]

A shirt and a shirt over it.

[Lou]

What? Yeah. Not the guy who takes care of the horses or the jockey or the owners. The guy who goes. Yeah, right this way, everybody.

[Jay]

Stand back, stand back, please. Don't crowd. There's room for everybody.

[Black Lou]

So I'm trying to sleep and I'm grumpy, you know, because I don't know anybody who's happy, who's trying to sleep. And she.

[Jay]

This is trying to go to bed.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Black Lou]

On the couch. I'm just falling. Falling asleep.

[Lou]

Can I say something? I'm the happiest. When I'm. When I lie down somewhere and I am going to bed is the happiest time. I. I don't have to think about where I'm going or what I'm. It's.

[Jay]

Can I tell you my happiest time? It's close.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

My happiest time is close.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

It's when I realize. When I realize the thing where it's like that, like laying on the couch and I have that like. Oh, shit. Like my eyes. That last blink was like a minute. You know what I mean? I was like, oh, shit. And then I go, oh, awesome. Because clearly I'm so comfortable. I'm falling asleep. And I love. That's. That. That's a two minutes.

[Lou]

It's the happiest ever.

[Jay]

It's the happiest two minutes of my.

[Lou]

Why are you angry when you're going to bed?

[Black Lou]

Because I'm getting prevent from going to bed because I'm being barraged with blackness.

[Lou]

Wow. Wow. I want nothing to do with this show. That is. Lou, are you all right? Are you cool? Are you cool with that? J, you're half black. Are you all right with that?

[Jay]

I see. Like, would it be any music she played would be annoying at that point?

[Black Lou]

Yes, yes. But she wanted to have fun and dance around. She was still full of beans. She had a wine or two.

[Lou]

She Mexican too.

[Black Lou]

And she wanted. She was feeling. She was feeling good.

[Jay]

Huh?

[Black Lou]

But I was. I just wasn't in the mood. I wasn't having it. So she's cranking on the TV, she's playing YouTube video of all obscure 1996 R B.

[Jay]

Obscure.

[Black Lou]

Yeah. Well, to me.

[Jay]

Yeah, Go on, show me some.

[Black Lou]

Okay, this is exactly what she was playing.

[Lou]

Show me some obscure.

[Black Lou]

Exactly. The video.

[Lou]

Yeah. You're a savant.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

I don't want to see you start rocking again when these songs come on.

[Jay]

I'm telling you, if she could have used her powers of half black seduction on me with this.

[Lou]

Okay.

[Jay]

Hey, lover.

[Lou]

It's not a obscure. I know this song. I'd to this song. Is this a bad song?

[Jay]

This is more than a cr. You should have got up a certain slow dance.

[Christine]

You need your thin beard and you need a diet.

[Lou]

I gotta dark it out. Yeah.

[Jay]

Standing with your girlfriend, about to make a call. You hear Christine, I had a dream it was you on the other end.

[Lou]

You know the words.

[Jay]

And then you walked in.

[Lou]

Jay, you have so many people. It's so funny, dude, that you literally grew up. You're a little black kid. You know that, right?

[Jay]

A what? I'm a little black kid.

[Lou]

You're a little black kid.

[Jay]

I know. I was in another bay of creation. A lot of people don't know that. I was the little white kid.

[Lou]

You see what they did to my kid? You're a gay rock and roll black kid.

[Jay]

All right, Luke, move on to the next obs obscure song. LL Cool J's biggest hit of 1996 featuring Boys to Men. Obscure.

[Lou]

Here's the thing. If I know it, it's not obscure. And I've. I've actually masturbated to this song.

[Jay]

You should have rolled up out of your stupid half sleep like last night. I saw you at the mall.

[Lou]

Christine, why are you making faces at that?

[Christine]

I'm just making. I'm like, let's just only listen to Pearl Jam on repeat.

[Lou]

For 35 years, I thought you make a face at me masturbating through this by myself.

[Black Lou]

I know a Black hip hop DJ in 1996 in Teaneck, New Jers, and.

[Jay]

You don't know the song?

[Lou]

They didn't ask me to play this. Hope we got that drop. Jesus Christ.

[Black Lou]

Okay, now, come on.

[Lou]

Are you crazy?

[Jay]

Serious?

[Lou]

Are you nuts?

[Black Lou]

Never heard it.

[Lou]

It's a great song to go to sleep, too.

[Black Lou]

Who sings it, Pop?

[Lou]

The black guy with the other black guy with the black producer.

[Christine]

Somebody wasn't at the Triceps Wait a minute.

[Lou]

I'll get this. Is this from. From Boston? Right? I can't hear because Jay's singing.

[Jay]

Turn it up.

[Lou]

I keep hearing Jay's voice. Not the guy's voice. I still hear your voice, dummy. Let me get it.

[Jacob]

I don't know this song, but that means absolutely nothing.

[Lou]

I love Jay. Can't control himself.

[Jay]

That's coming in with 1 12's only you everybody 112.

[Lou]

I wouldn't have got that, but I know the song.

[Jay]

That's right, everyone. You're of 96 hip hop and 96 hip hop. That's right. We're doing all 96 hip hop and R B. Coming at you right now. Playing only your obscure number one hits. Obscure number one hits only if you're.

[Lou]

A white guy with a scally cap trying to go to bed. It's not gonna happen tonight, my friend. Get up and shake that Rudy booty.

[Christine]

She's trying to lure you out of bed to dance with her out of couch.

[Lou]

Can I say something though?

[Christine]

You don't deserve her.

[Lou]

I. I do agree with If I wanted to go to sl. Sleep and don put on whatever.

[Jay]

You're both sober. You're both sober crumb bums.

[Lou]

She's not sorry she smokes weed.

[Jay]

Who don't understand excitement.

[Lou]

She smokes weed and gets drunk. But not with me. With her lesbians friends. She parties with the girls, by the way. I know.

[Black Lou]

I know a lot of mace.

[Lou]

This would piss me off if. If my. If Christine started playing whatever Horseshit girl. Fucking acoustic sad song ever happened when she does that.

[Jay]

I start. I think I have to call an ambulance to take her away. I correlate her music with terrifying times. Lou. What? I'm telling you. I walk in the house. I talk to myself sometimes when I hear she plays it on the entire Every speaker in the house.

[Lou]

Sonos.

[Jay]

You can group sonos in a thousand different ways. She sends it to every place in the house and it feels psychotic.

[Lou]

Well, your music.

[Christine]

When he's not home.

[Lou]

Why all the places?

[Jay]

So how do I know this?

[Christine]

Walk through the house. You know fiddle diddling as I do. I hear the music every year.

[Lou]

Are you fiddle diddling again? She's not taking her fiddle diddle medicine.

[Christine]

I don't know organizing and straight. I don't keep up every room in the house.

[Lou]

You better get her back on that fiddle diddle medicine. You know what happened last time she fiddled diddled. I was on the phone with her for an hour and a half while she was fiddling.

[Jay]

I got to Take care of my own medicines. Yeah. Get this note Back to the 90s R B and hip hop. We know Christine. Stop. You're gonna get her twirling Maxwell.

[Lou]

Ascension.

[Black Lou]

Supposed to guess it.

[Lou]

God.

[Jay]

I know the song. But if this was I do with Maxwell, we all know what I'd go with Maxwell. Wanna go once? Come on. Even I didn't know that was gonna be that good. That's pretty good, you guys.

[Lou]

I thought it was good, Jay.

[Jay]

Guys, was I Maxwell? Did you guys see me just Maxwell just now?

[Lou]

We didn't see it.

[Jay]

We.

[Lou]

What we saw was a little different, but what we heard.

[Jay]

What's the next one, Lou?

[Black Lou]

Without reverb. Good job.

[Jay]

Thank you.

[Lou]

All right.

[Black Lou]

This one I knew, but I didn't was. I was not having it.

[Jay]

Come on. Yeah, come on. You know this, Bobby. Wow. Wow.

[Lou]

All the time.

[Jay]

Wow. Wow.

[Black Lou]

So at this point, I'm fake dancing, being like. Okay, let's cut that. This is great.

[Lou]

This is great. You're actually dancing.

[Jay]

No, he's fake dancing. He's angry.

[Black Lou]

Yeah, angry dancing.

[Lou]

So she wanted. What time was it, by the way?

[Black Lou]

11:11Pm on what night?

[Lou]

Monday.

[Black Lou]

On a Saturday.

[Jay]

Out of here. You're crazy.

[Lou]

Yeah, dude, you're a little out of line with that.

[Jay]

Go on, go to the next one.

[Lou]

Was it your place or her place?

[Black Lou]

It was a long. Always her place. It was a long day.

[Lou]

You can't around. Dude. You got to dance if it's her place. If it was going to lead to.

[Black Lou]

Sex, I would have faked it a little longer.

[Jay]

If you are going to date ethnics, you have to do ethnic activities. This is Mark Morrison's Return of the Mac.

[Lou]

Turn it up for four years.

[Jay]

If this doesn't get you out.

[Lou]

Of bed.

[Jay]

Come on, dude. At 11:30 Saturday. Dude, this will be grooving in my house. Dude.

[Lou]

I'm an old white guy from Boston and I would get out of bed for this.

[Jay]

You don't know this one either?

[Jacob]

I don't know, but.

[Lou]

Come on.

[Christine]

That's crazy. Jacob, what did you do?

[Lou]

You don't have to know what you.

[Christine]

Do in the 90s.

[Lou]

You don't have to know who the song is. No, but you have to know the song.

[Jay]

It's crazy.

[Lou]

You know the song. Nobody's a savant like you being a savant. It is ether. Nobody knows remembers. Dude, you don't have to know.

[Jay]

It's Mark Morrison. That's. Sure. That's over the top.

[Lou]

Dude, you're. This is your thing. Thing.

[Jay]

Turn it up, Lou.

[Lou]

You're meant to be a dj.

[Christine]

I've known all these songs, but I think me and Lou's girlfriend are the same age, and we grew up with the same radio.

[Jay]

Oh, yes. Am I hitting it?

[Lou]

You've heard this?

[Christine]

Yeah, west coast, baby.

[Jay]

Lou, come get some of this.

[Christine]

She saw Central, so. A little harder than me, but yeah, same station.

[Jay]

That shoulder work, though, is popping.

[Lou]

Yeah. You've heard this?

[Black Lou]

Yeah.

[Lou]

This is good.

[Jay]

Bobby, please quiet. I'm getting loose.

[Lou]

Sorry. I apologize. Jay's getting loose.

[Jay]

He's filming me. Get loose. Oh, am I doing all right?

[Lou]

I love how good you. You're a good chair dancer.

[Christine]

That's all the car dancing he's done.

[Lou]

Yeah, he's a car dancer.

[Jay]

My legs are doing nothing.

[Jacob]

Lou, you say footwork. You say if it had led to sex, you would have gotten out of. Off the couch. But what would have been a bigger indicator.

[Jay]

Yeah, why don't you pull your fucking dong out and start dancing to Mark Morrison's Return of the Mac. You lied to me.

[Jacob]

I think she was giving.

[Lou]

What's his name?

[Jay]

Mark Morrison.

[Lou]

Return to the Mac.

[Jay]

Return of the Mac.

[Lou]

Return of the Mac.

[Jay]

Return of the Mac.

[Lou]

You're fucking nuts. That we're supposed to know that?

[Jay]

This is.

[Lou]

This isn't dancing. This is not fucking. Nobody remembers. Nobody drove around like a lonely kid like you in Philly we had to do. Oh, nobody remembers.

[Jay]

I wasn't driving around, just listening the radio on my room and making tapes.

[Lou]

Yeah, dude, that's. That's a lonely little chubby jam.

[Jay]

Very. Yeah.

[Lou]

That became this beautiful rock and roll disco superstar. You. You got. You got your superhero power from desperation.

[Jay]

Sure.

[Lou]

You know what I mean?

[Jay]

Pure teenage sadness.

[Lou]

Yeah. Now you. You converted into this power that we don't have, you know?

[Jay]

Turn it on, Lou. Test me again, dog.

[Lou]

You know who it is.

[Jay]

I'll be good. Oh, come on. Come on, dude.

[Lou]

I've heard this. I've heard it.

[Jay]

You have?

[Lou]

I just don't know who it is. Let me try to guess.

[Jay]

I mean, you could already tell by the background thing who the guy is. You should know who the girl is, too. It's insane. You don't.

[Lou]

Hang on, I'll be good, right?

[Jay]

Yeah. You got the song.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

But you should know who this is.

[Lou]

It's Ricky.

[Jay]

No, stop.

[Lou]

Jazzy. Nope. Mikey?

[Jay]

Nope.

[Lou]

Ricky?

[Jay]

Nope.

[Lou]

Bobby.

[Jay]

It's a black gentleman.

[Lou]

Black. Of course he's black.

[Jay]

Well, this is a woman.

[Lou]

This. This is Jesse.

[Jay]

Nope.

[Lou]

Jonah.

[Jay]

Nope.

[Lou]

Jay Z.

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Lou]

Okay. Yeah.

[Jay]

And Foxy Brown.

[Lou]

Oh, Foxy Brown. Yeah. I know that you Know I'm white guy from Boston, right?

[Jay]

Foxy Brown.

[Lou]

Dude, I don't know names.

[Jay]

Was Foxy Brown. Little Kim. Who did you like more? I went with Little Kim because she was a scuzz slut. I don't know. Foxy Brown probably was too. But Little Kim really wore it on her asshole.

[Lou]

Little Kim looks like she's in Star wars at the bar now.

[Jay]

Yeah, now she does. Looks like Joan Rivers tried to get one last blackening surgery.

[Lou]

Looks like she's.

[Jay]

Go to the next one, Lou. Insanity. Come on, guys.

[Christine]

How do you guys don't know every song that's been played?

[Lou]

I know all these songs. I just don't know who it is.

[Christine]

That's totally understandable. But you know them, right?

[Lou]

You know, I, I. Of course I know these.

[Jay]

Lou, get over here. I got a new one.

[Christine]

Not Jacob James. Lost cause.

[Lou]

What is it? Not for nothing, Jay. It looks very similar to the old one, except slower.

[Christine]

You're like somebody that, like, their family took them.

[Jay]

You can only do so much, and.

[Christine]

They don't know any pop culture references.

[Lou]

Christine, I don't know if you've noticed.

[Jacob]

This, but all English bands.

[Lou]

The passion in Jay's eyes. It's almost like he's singing the song when he dances it. Look at his eye. He's clo. Look at.

[Christine]

If Jay would just, like, go clubbing and give in to his Jersey, he'd probably be a happier job.

[Lou]

Now, when you say Jerseyness, here's the title I can't say on the radio.

[Jay]

Making me.

[Lou]

Hi. No, Jay's talking over his trashing.

[Jay]

Are you guys trash me? I couldn't tell because Toni Braxton was singing I Get so High to me.

[Christine]

I said, you need to give in to the fact that you want to beat the beat.

[Lou]

Yeah. And I said, you should give in the fact that you're in the closet.

[Jay]

I don't want anybody with me. I want to dance alone, buddy. Yeah.

[Lou]

Will you please go dancing alone?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

You'll do that?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Can we camera you up, though, like.

[Jay]

Like the show Fear, where I got cameras all over from me mom taking it to the floor. I gotta, I gotta dance in my heart. For sure. Go ahead, Lou. What's the next one?

[Lou]

We should all go dancing.

[Jay]

Puzzle these people more. Come on. Only one person always had that same clicker clack in the back of all their stupid songs.

[Lou]

Janet Jackson Jam.

[Jay]

Can I give you this?

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

She's hot.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

She was willing to fuck adults when she was a child. And she's dead.

[Lou]

My aunt Peggy.

[Jay]

Yes. This is your Aunt Peggy.

[Lou]

Peg.

[Jay]

Peggy. And on and on. Hang on, let me. This is my dance for this.

[Christine]

Is that your I. Grown men dance?

[Lou]

I love how thin you are, but it bugs me how much your foot is shaking from this. Look how thin you are, kid.

[Jay]

Yeah, look at it. Look how thin I am.

[Lou]

Stay on him, Lou. Don't go over to me. I got nothing.

[Jay]

I was hoping you would dance.

[Lou]

Look at that.

[Jay]

Nothing. I gave you every clue I could possibly give you.

[Lou]

I'm not gonna.

[Jacob]

Was she in a vampire movie?

[Jay]

Yes, she was, Jacob.

[Jacob]

And she had a gaudy funeral.

[Jay]

I do not recall her funeral. She did.

[Jacob]

It was in a glass chariot.

[Jay]

Gross.

[Lou]

Vanity V starts with a V, E, an A, A, A. Lana. Elena. Allah. Elijah.

[Jay]

Allah.

[Lou]

Allah. Praise Allah.

[Jay]

It's Allah.

[Jacob]

Aliyah.

[Jay]

Aliyah. Jacob gets it first. That's one point for Jacob.

[Jacob]

See, her wedding. I mean, sorry. Not her wedding. The opposite.

[Jay]

Guys, we're all doing great. I'm not letting Black Lou play because he's definitely. He speaks through me. We know the same songs, right now, the score, I believe, is seven to one. To zero, Bobby.

[Lou]

And let me ask you a question. Yes. She kids. No.

[Jay]

She was a child who got. She was the kid who got by. Robert Kelly.

[Lou]

No. No, no.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

R. Kelly.

[Jay]

Robert.

[Lou]

No.

[Jay]

No. Kelly.

[Lou]

Yeah. No. Stop saying my name. It's R. Kelly.

[Jay]

No. You happen to have the same name as the world's most prolific and exciting and high level pedophile, right? Robert Kelly.

[Lou]

That's what held me back all these years.

[Jacob]

I believe she had the Chariot. The glass chariot.

[Jay]

I didn't remember that at all. But I know people were sad. And she used to. R. Kelly. R. Kelly was so happy that his secrets exploded in that plane. This is the best. They went on tv. This is one of the funniest R. Kelly things ever. They went on tv, him and Aaliyah, to prove they just worked together and that they're not seeing each other anyway. And then he goes, and also we should dress exactly the same. And that's exactly what he did. He dressed her exactly. And it didn't make. And. And they're both very, very uncomfortable. God damn, Dion Sanders. Don't know what to do. What's up, young player? Go ahead, Lou. What's the next one?

[Black Lou]

Okay, this one may stump you.

[Lou]

It's a guy.

[Jay]

Song's called Street Dreams.

[Lou]

Guy, right?

[Black Lou]

Yeah, It's a guy. Backing up.

[Jay]

Yeah, just a guy.

[Black Lou]

This guy.

[Lou]

Yeah. Is that Jodeci?

[Christine]

Oh, I Raped and those Children.

[Jay]

Is it R. Kelly?

[Black Lou]

Yes.

[Jay]

Yes.

[Lou]

Is it yes.

[Jay]

Yeah. R. Kelly and Nas. Street Dreams is the name of the song, right?

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Black Lou]

You can't fault me for that one.

[Jay]

That's a little deeper. All right, all right. I'll take it as a zero for everybody.

[Lou]

Okay, good.

[Jay]

Go on this one, you know. Come on, get out of here. Let's not even waste our time. Move to the next one. My Pony. Get out of here. Do you guys know who sings it? Yeah, I don't even know the My Pony. You don't know this song?

[Jacob]

Play 2 seconds of it in my.

[Jay]

Jacob, if you don't know this song in two seconds, I need you to go take a lap around the building.

[Jacob]

Can you play it?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

This name sounds familiar. This.

[Jay]

You look foolish not knowing this yet, Christine.

[Lou]

Oh, you're disappointed.

[Jay]

This is crazy.

[Jacob]

Yeah, because I was listening to British rock bands at the time that no girl were no girls.

[Lou]

Jacob. Jacob was busy listening to the Bay City Rollers and hunting iguanas. Do you know the song? You know the song?

[Jacob]

I don't want to lie.

[Jay]

You don't.

[Jacob]

I don't know the song.

[Jay]

My Pony.

[Christine]

I mean, can I get to the court?

[Jacob]

Let me get to the court.

[Jay]

This is the chorus.

[Lou]

Oh, this is Jacob.

[Jay]

This song has been used in. In 10 years of this show. It's been used on the show 50 times.

[Black Lou]

It's standard for sex.

[Lou]

Yeah, we've played it during.

[Jacob]

Well, not my sex.

[Lou]

What is your sex?

[Jay]

Bob O'Reill. Oh, it's a real panty dropper. What's next, Lou? I'm so frustrated with Jacob right now, but I'm beside myself. I like when you make faces trying to. To get me.

[Black Lou]

You know it.

[Jay]

Swv.

[Lou]

Yes.

[Jay]

Sisters with voices.

[Lou]

Yeah, Jay. It's harder for people that didn't grow up black, huh?

[Jay]

Yeah, I bet it would be. That must be difficult for everybody in this room.

[Lou]

I don't know what you were to tell me.

[Jay]

For everybody, including black Lou. Yeah.

[Lou]

You're a young little black kid.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Grew up at the ghetto.

[Jay]

I mean, it wasn't a ghetto.

[Lou]

Yeah, I've been there. We were near your house.

[Jay]

It was flipping and flopping. Get pretty ghetto as I was there. It was Jewish and black.

[Lou]

First of all.

[Jay]

Huh.

[Christine]

Should we show your school again?

[Lou]

He's not. He's. He's defending his neighborhood. I was there. I. All of Philly is ghetto.

[Jay]

Oh, yeah. Can you. You're not wrong about that. The culture shock, though thing, because I didn't show Bobby. We didn't have time to see my mother or. But we Were not far away. Also, I said, show them a picture of my school, Robert E. Lamberton, and then flip it to. That's the school I went through most of my life.

[Lou]

That's a great school.

[Jay]

To 11th grade.

[Lou]

What? Oh, well, that. Can you go back to the other photo you just did? That first photo, it's from inside the gate.

[Jacob]

That looks like it's in the first California.

[Lou]

Right. And then you go to the next photo. Go to that one looks good. What one with a fake gate? The bushes.

[Jacob]

Right.

[Lou]

Look at that. Looks all right. But then go to the other side.

[Jay]

You don't see what that is. That's that building. It goes like, out like that. It's like a, you know, a triangle.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Sort of like the. You know, basically two hallways, upper, lower and underneath floor. And. But can you see the schoolyard of it? The schoolyard? What's crazy? It's just concrete.

[Jacob]

The extreme long shot looks like a penitentiary.

[Lou]

Yeah. When you. When you pull away and you take those nice bushes out and that beautiful gate, it looks.

[Jay]

No, it was a dump.

[Lou]

Yeah, it looks terrible.

[Jay]

It was for sure.

[Lou]

Is that it?

[Jay]

No, that's like the side of the school.

[Lou]

Oh, well, that looks like a factory.

[Jay]

That's it. That's kind of it. That's. That's the school yard.

[Lou]

No, that's the back of the thing. Where they put the trash.

[Jay]

Yes.

[Lou]

No, that's.

[Jay]

Trash was out there.

[Lou]

That's not the schoolyard. That's not where you played.

[Jay]

Because it's where we played. They would paint. They painted lines on the ground for games, like little baseball diamonds.

[Lou]

That's where the trucks pull up to bring the food in and take the trash also.

[Jay]

Yes. No, they didn't actually. It was all gated in because probably pedophiles and murderers.

[Lou]

Can I tell you something? That looks like the juvenile hall I was in in Rochester, New York.

[Jay]

That little shitty school. No doubt. It was a shitty school. I took that. That one picture that. That it's in my, like, history of something is a bunch of us standing in front of that. We stayed in front of that school. But no, bring up Triton High School. This is the school I graduated. I went to one year to. So it was such a. I didn't get it. Like the. I said, missing the last class because we're doing a pep rally today. I'm like. For what? Like the sports. It's gonna be football. Oh, okay. This was like a school.

[Lou]

Wow. Oh, that has a little cul de sac in front. Well, that looks nice. You got One year of that.

[Jay]

One year of that. That's where you learned a football field. Yeah, they had, like, a real football field. And the Mustang, that's where you learned.

[Lou]

All your country and rock and roll music info.

[Jay]

I graduated on that football field right there.

[Lou]

Wow.

[Jay]

Actually, it started raining. And then they just said, sorry, everybody. The entire class of 95 graduates. And then go inside and get your diplomas. I mean, they passed my grandmother over a fence. It was a weird day. I think my dad also hit on my. The girl that I lost my virginity to that day.

[Lou]

Yes, he did.

[Jay]

Thank you. You're right, Mama. Yes, you did. Let's take a peek at the cheerleaders over at Triton Regional. Oh, God, look how white the school was. I don't. They don't bring it up. I guess you can't look at pictures of teenage cheerleaders anymore. They. It was such a white school. It was such a shocking, like, different change. I didn't love it.

[Lou]

I went to Lawrence High School. Bring up Lawrence Mass. High School. You want to see a shitty high school?

[Jay]

Is it.

[Lou]

Oh, I went there. Well, I went there during. They had riots between the Puerto Ricans and the white kids. The whole town was fucking up in arms.

[Jay]

Your problems were Puerto Rico.

[Lou]

That. Look at that shit. Look at that. That's a fucking. That's a prison, dude.

[Jay]

Why does it only have drawings of. Robert Frost went there.

[Lou]

Famous author Robert Frost, buddy, that school was a prison.

[Jay]

Why doesn't it exist?

[Lou]

Look at that middle. Look at that middle one. I think they're building a new school.

[Jay]

But there's no pictures of it ever from the past.

[Lou]

Bring it on. 1980. 80.

[Jay]

Oh, is this our first scoop? Are we gonna get a scoop? Why is this school buried? Why is the history of the school only in artistic works?

[Lou]

There it is right there. That was my high school I went to for a year when I was in a foster home. I was in a foster home in Lawrence, Massachusetts.

[Jay]

It looks like an orphanage.

[Lou]

That was bad, dude. It was bad. Thank God for shop class. I spent most of my time. I remember I was in when I went to school for the first day. I. The kids were smoking cigarettes in the back row and just cuffing them and smoke. Just smoking butts.

[Jay]

What class were you class or What?

[Lou]

That was 1986. No, that was 1985.

[Jay]

Do you know Sean Murphy?

[Lou]

I didn't graduate from there. I left there.

[Jay]

Did you know Sean Murphy? Because he's class of 86.

[Lou]

I did not know, though, guys. I was probably 85, 84. I was. I was in Juvia. I was still drinking at the time. I was still getting up nice. And yeah, I remember that I was next to me, there was a. Two pregnant girls.

[Jay]

Hell yeah.

[Lou]

And I think I was shop class. It was bad.

[Jay]

You know, they.

[Lou]

It was ninth grade.

[Jay]

You can come inside them.

[Lou]

Ninth grade, two pregnant girls, which I never saw a young pregnant girl before. And then I remember the guy smoking in the back row, which I thought was wild.

[Jay]

Oh, yeah.

[Lou]

It even made me nervous. And I was. I was. I was in fucking juvie and it made me nervous. Just a kid lit up a butt.

[Jay]

That is why no one stopped him.

[Lou]

Nobody stopped.

[Jay]

That's interesting. I didn't have my. The school wasn't like that. It really wasn't like lean on me like kid inmates running the asylum at all. Yeah, there was just like a. A lot of bad kids. A lot of fights after school. Fight. A lot of type shit.

[Lou]

Well, they beat up.

[Jay]

They were fighting white kids doing job, but nobody. Like, if you smoked a cigarette in school, I mean, it's the same school that made me have to go buy a suit and apologize for saying that I did not not have sex with a girl.

[Lou]

I mean, it's not. It's not. It's not like they let you smoke in class. The kids just.

[Jay]

No, but they wouldn't. But not stopping them is a big step. Like, if somebody lit up. I'm not saying there wasn't a lunatic in my school that wouldn't light up a cigarette. I'm saying a teacher would go over and like, pull it out of their mouth.

[Lou]

Well, no, they didn't. They didn't do. And it was. I think it was because of all the shit that just went on a couple years before that. But I only made it. And I didn't know this. Nobody fucked with me. And I. But I never talked. And I remember I was in shop class and they were talking about all these white kids, the Spanish kids, they were Puerto Rican. They were like, you know, these white. We're gonna them up after school. And I turned just out of instinct, and they were like, yo, man, you Puerto Rican, right? And I was like, nah, I'm Italian. Irish. And they were like, what the. Because I had that little mustache.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

And my juicy Puerto Rican lips.

[Jay]

Your mustache?

[Lou]

I look. I look like a sexy Puerto Rican. I didn't even know it.

[Jay]

You look at gay boy Zorro.

[Lou]

My gay boy Zorro look. Saved me in that high school for a year.

[Jay]

You're Puerto Rican, right?

[Lou]

That's Mexican.

[Jay]

I Only know one Hispanic voice. Si.

[Lou]

No say, si, papi. As Puerto Rican.

[Jay]

Yeah. Puerto Rican.

[Lou]

No, that's Mexican.

[Jay]

J. I'm from an American commonwealth. Puerto Rican. I'm from here. That's from right here.

[Lou]

That school is terrible. Terrible.

[Jay]

It's fine.

[Lou]

I was terrified every time I went to school.

[Jay]

Robert Frost went there.

[Christine]

It looks like rich school.

[Jay]

It does. It looks like boarding school.

[Lou]

It was bad.

[Christine]

It looks like New England old money school.

[Lou]

I graduated from Malden High School, which was a nice high school. Malden High was all right. The tornado.

[Jay]

Boring. We want to show all our schools how was it? People gonna know how badass we were. Jacob, what Queef Academy did you graduate from where you had to wear the same blazers. Everybody else. You.

[Lou]

Think he had a patch on his breast.

[Jay]

We all turned a high school bully. Jacob, where's your rich kid school, you piece of.

[Lou]

Yeah, where's your crest?

[Jay]

Yeah. What university they send your ass off to?

[Jacob]

Who's the Mustangs also.

[Lou]

Yeah, yeah, you were the Mustangs, I think Medford. I was supposed to go to Medford High, but they wouldn't let me and they made me go to Malden High and. But that was the Tornadoes. And I went there from, I think half a 9th, 10th, 11th, 12. I graduated from there.

[Jay]

Were you a tornado?

[Lou]

No, I wasn't.

[Jay]

I didn't play any sports.

[Lou]

I didn't know. I didn't play any sports. I even bought you ball, buddy. I was getting sober, going to AA dances. I didn't have time for sports. I didn't play any sports.

[Jay]

No, no, that's. You exactly had time for sports.

[Lou]

I didn't.

[Jay]

You should have done sports. What were you doing when you were not drinking? You were just in meetings all day? School and then meetings. Non stop sports.

[Lou]

I would go ninth grade, I went to school until like 10:30, and then I went to a job. I was in the rubber rooms. When I got out of juvie hall. When I got out of juvie hall, they put me in. I was making styrofoam balls for Christmas. Order.

[Jay]

Oh, you know, a rubber room is usually what they say when they put a lunatic into.

[Lou]

Yeah, I know. We used to call them rubber rooms.

[Jay]

He has to spend time in a rubber room. He goes, it was my job. What'd you do there? Just kind of sat in this weird jacket for a couple hours.

[Lou]

It was kind of like that. We had a report to Mr. Lyons office with all the other kids that were in the. You know, in the special ed, they called it in high school. So it Was me and a bunch of other people. And we report to his office. In the morning was our homeroom. And then we'd go to a couple classes. And then I would get. I would be released to go to work. It was weird. Ninth grade. Did you see? And I worked my way out of the rubber rooms back into mainstream classes by 12th grade.

[Jay]

It's so funny this comes up. I know when DeStefano was here years ago, he was telling us about, I don't know, banging his friend's mom when he was younger or something. And Metzger went to school, there was, like a someone who fucked a teacher thing in his school. And so I just. I always say I never, never. There was no salacious thing with teachers in my school. It only comes up thinking about. I was watching a body cam thing today of a party being broken up at a house. And all these kids. Some of the kids are, like, violently sick from drug. There was guns at the party. And it was the principal's house. This lady who was just like, what? And by the way, when the cops come, they're like, you guys suck party poopers. Like, you're drunk. She's like, you're drunk. She's. I haven't seen the end of the video. She's gonna get in a lot of trouble. But they happen to me in industry. I've never seen any kind of inappropriate thing with, like, teachers and stuff. I know people are like, Bonnie. Bonnie McFarlane, the teacher, took her to, like, a strip club. And. And, like, where My art teacher in.

[Lou]

High school, Italian woman. Really pretty, big gazubas. And then a.

[Jay]

Is that Italian?

[Lou]

What?

[Jay]

Gazoobas.

[Lou]

Bigger gazubas.

[Jay]

She was your teacher. Your Italian teacher.

[Lou]

And her. Her partner, the other teacher, Mr. D. It was Mrs. D, and Mr. D did not. But he was gay. Little. Little one of those little, you know, villain mustaches with the wax in it.

[Jay]

But then Mr. Loved the D. Thank you, Jacob.

[Lou]

They would. They would take me out to lunch all the time. They would get me out of math class. They would pull me out of classes. I'd hang out with them. I go to lunch with him. And I thought maybe they were. That something would happen at some point, but they never tried to do anything to me. I thought.

[Jay]

Mrs. D. You thought as a couple, they were gonna try to fucking work you over?

[Lou]

I don't know. I thought he was gonna make a move at least, or she was gonna make a move. But I did wanna. I would. I would have hooked up with Mrs. D in a second.

[Jay]

What if the Only way you could have was you had to kiss Mr. D on the. On his Mr. D. Done and done. Just kiss it.

[Lou]

Just.

[Jay]

Yeah, but like, open mouth.

[Lou]

Can I draw it?

[Jay]

Because you have to French kiss the hole.

[Lou]

I have to. But she draws it. Like, where? Yeah, she draws us absolutely Charcoal drawing as I'm kissing it.

[Jay]

Yeah. Fantastic.

[Lou]

And then she puts it up in the classroom. Is that you?

[Jacob]

Now, my school, the teachers were the child champions, man.

[Lou]

Really?

[Jay]

Oh, my God.

[Jacob]

We must have the record.

[Jay]

Really.

[Jacob]

I mean, I get four off the top of my head that bang. Students.

[Lou]

Well, they all your size. One of them. I can understand it. Just cutie patooties.

[Jacob]

I was so pissed when I heard two of the girls that the teacher banged.

[Lou]

Why?

[Jacob]

I was madly in love with the rules.

[Jay]

Against the law.

[Jacob]

Yeah, that too. But at the time, you're just jealous, like, man, how does he do it?

[Jay]

I know you're not, like, I should make an anonymous tip and ruin this guy's fucking life. He's fucking a child. You're, like, lucky.

[Jacob]

Yeah. At the time I was just thinking, what does he got that I don't have?

[Jay]

Yeah. Dick hair.

[Lou]

A job.

[Jacob]

No morals.

[Lou]

Dick. Ha. Dick hair does it.

[Jay]

Dick here. In a job, that's all you need. That age.

[Lou]

Jacob only had a few fuzzies down there. Yeah.

[Jay]

Yeah. A little soft curlies.

[Lou]

All they need was pubes and a paper root, and he would have got.

[Jay]

He would have done fine. You would have done just in my.

[Lou]

In my rehab that I was in, though, which blew me away. One of the counselors was my friend, and one of the. One of the. One of the dudes in there who I. It was so weird because he'd always go for. He would always go for therapy with her, like, at night. She would come in and give him extra things at night, but no one ever thought anything of it. We just thought that he needed. And she was providing a service, and she was. She was banging him out downstairs in her office at the rehab, which was wildly. I mean, that's. Yeah, we did. We did have a priest.

[Jay]

Yes.

[Lou]

That did the overnight, and he was.

[Jay]

This is also gonna be awesome.

[Lou]

100% gay. Yes. And I found out that he never fucked anybody.

[Jay]

You found the hard way.

[Lou]

Yeah. The disappointing way.

[Jay]

He entered me and he wasn't very good at it.

[Lou]

Dude. When I first got there and he was the overnight guy, I was like, I'm definitely gonna have to wipe this guy's balls off my chin while I'm sleeping. Every night I went to bed, I was like, Please don't try to do anything. This is gonna really. But he never made a move. But when I worked at the. This is weird. Later in life when I worked at the. I worked at a juvenile lockup. I did the overnights and you raped kids. No, I did not rape kids. But there was an old lady. I mean, talking old. She had to be like 60 something, you know. And she would come in late at night after everybody left, and it was just me and the other overnight guy. And she'd be like, I gotta see. You know, I gotta see Raul. Like, she always bring like a hot Spanish kid downstairs to do whatever talks and be like, all right, well, I'll go downstairs. And he would go downstairs, come to find out she's downstairs getting banged out by these kids.

[Jay]

Jesus.

[Lou]

She wound up getting fired and she was getting banged out.

[Jay]

I apologize for being slightly distracted. I heard the whole story. I was like distracted. I just know some of what I say that I always get self conscious when I sit Rape bros. And then I see Jacob start typing. And all I can Picture is going 9 minutes, 25 seconds into show cut. Rape bros. Or whatever. Fucking whatever the name.

[Lou]

Is that what Jacob's job is?

[Jay]

Huh?

[Jacob]

I left that in.

[Jay]

Oh, yay.

[Lou]

Am I just learning that Jacob is when he types, he's typing, he's telling on us. He's ratting on us.

[Jay]

Yes.

[Lou]

I didn't know that.

[Jacob]

I like to call it show notes.

[Lou]

Show notes.

[Jay]

Yeah, he's ratting and he's saying them to Jim and everybody in real time.

[Lou]

Oh, God, everybody.

[Jay]

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[Lou]

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[Jacob]

It was even too. It was half male teachers, half female teachers. They all banged.

[Lou]

Let's just say this though. A female teacher banging a young kid. Boy is not as bad as a man fucking a chick. And I don't know why or how.

[Jay]

About a man fucking your boy.

[Lou]

A guy fucking a young boy is bad.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

What's worse? Okay, we got guy fucking young girl, teacher fucking girl teacher fucking boy. Woman teacher fucking young boy.

[Jay]

I wish it could be that easy. How are these kids dressed?

[Lou]

We're talking sexy. We're talking summertime, springtime, not winter.

[Jay]

Now. Is this like the 70s when like the shorts were short? Yeah, we're talking on the boys.

[Lou]

I mean talking 70s, 80s, half cut shirts on the boys with like the number 12. Like.

[Jay]

Oh yeah, mesh, mesh tank tops.

[Lou]

Yeah. Remember there was only Lee jeans back then. Nice and tight.

[Jacob]

Say no.

[Jay]

Huh?

[Jacob]

How can you say no?

[Jay]

How can you say no?

[Jacob]

My, my friend, my good friend's brother.

[Lou]

Older brother, bangs on their outfits.

[Jay]

What are their outfits like? Are they just like little kids, they hold like lollipops and dressed like little sailors like that? No. It seems terrible.

[Lou]

I would say, I would say high school.

[Jay]

High school is where you can start them.

[Lou]

No, that's not what I'm saying. That's what you're implying. I'm saying we're talking woman, high school student. Right, but under 16. Fifteen. Say 15.

[Jay]

Okay.

[Lou]

Everybody's 15.

[Jay]

Love it. I'm there emotionally.

[Lou]

Everybody's 15. Woman, 15 year old boy, guy, 15 year old boy, Guy, 15 year old girl. In the order of bad.

[Jay]

Now, can I say there's actual questions you have to add in here.

[Lou]

Okay.

[Jay]

Is this 15 year old boy already know he's like gay, Is he gay? And like I'm gonna get. Because I think.

[Lou]

Yeah, that's how you become gay.

[Jay]

He is gay. Sure.

[Lou]

That's how gay happens.

[Jay]

But I'm saying, was this like a straight kid who was lowered by the teacher and got butt fucked, like against, like completely, like against his will or something?

[Lou]

Not rape.

[Jay]

They're all into it.

[Lou]

It's. No, it's not into it. I mean, they're all right.

[Jay]

Everyone's stoked on getting raped.

[Lou]

They're not getting raped. Take the word rape out. There's no rape.

[Jay]

Everyone's so stoked on getting sexually assaulted.

[Lou]

Not sexually. It's sexually assaulted by law. But in. They aren't. They're in love it's no, no love. It's just sex.

[Jay]

Just pure tawdry sex with a minority.

[Lou]

It's taught. Exactly, Taught. So the. The woman slowly eases into this and they wind up fooling around.

[Jay]

Okay.

[Lou]

And she's like, we shouldn't do this. And he's like, I know, but they.

[Jay]

Do it to this student. Boy student.

[Lou]

Yeah, the guy to the girl. Yeah, same thing. Hey, this is. And she's like, I know this is bad, but they.

[Jay]

Have you ever seen dick hair before?

[Lou]

The guy to the. The guy to the boy. Yeah, is same thing. Yeah, you know, just. Hey, man, we should. I shouldn't disobey.

[Jay]

Oh, you're my student. But should we practice kissing?

[Lou]

There's no kissing.

[Jay]

Oh, this. This is Minnie Riperton.

[Lou]

You're a fine.

[Jay]

Are you into Minnie Riverton at all?

[Lou]

There's something wrong with you. He's typing again. Come on, Jacob.

[Jay]

Jacob. I know.

[Lou]

He's typing away.

[Jay]

Oh my God. What minute is this?

[Jacob]

Don't worry about it.

[Lou]

Have you ever been.

[Jay]

Molested?

[Lou]

Not molested. Is it molestation?

[Jay]

Raped? Not raped, a. Sexually assaulted.

[Lou]

No. Have you ever had sex with an older woman when you were younger?

[Jay]

I mean, how much younger?

[Lou]

Like if she was 20, 21, 22 in the 20s. And you were say, 15?

[Jay]

No, but I lost my virginity at 17 to a 22 year old. Yeah, that's five years older than me.

[Lou]

But 17, you're almost 18, so it's almost legal.

[Jay]

No, I was just 17, Jesse.

[Lou]

Just 16?

[Jay]

Yeah. Wow.

[Christine]

She was molested, but she was being.

[Lou]

Molested actively in front of you while you had to eat her?

[Jay]

No, a couple doors down. A couple doors down from me, she was being molested by her uncle who was an old merchant marine who dressed like Gallagher. It's. I can make the story funny, probably a nightmare to her, but I can make the story funny enough.

[Lou]

I. I did it like I molested.

[Jay]

Her right into my 17 year old army.

[Lou]

And was it good?

[Jay]

It was my first time doing anything, so it was all great to me.

[Lou]

What did she do? Like, did she teach you? Or did you know a little thing, a thing or two about a thing?

[Jay]

I mean, I wasn't like numb to the idea. I'd watched plenty of porn. Everything at the time where I kind of knew what the action was gonna be.

[Lou]

Walk us through it. I want to hear it.

[Jay]

What part?

[Lou]

Like how it happened. Were you home on your belly watching tv?

[Jay]

Oh, no, it was planned out and my mom gave me money for the hotel room.

[Lou]

What?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Your mom help you get Molested?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Wait a minute.

[Jay]

Listen. Her people hurt people, dude.

[Lou]

Jay, what the. Wait a minute. Seriously. Your mom, she was helping you have sex for the first time?

[Jay]

Well, she was, like, pushing my ass cheeks. She was like. She gave me a couple bucks for the hotel room. Yeah.

[Lou]

So she said, you're gonna have sex with this older lady?

[Jay]

She didn't assign me. That happened. That was my own charms and her charity.

[Lou]

How did your mom find out about it? You told her?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

So you went, hey, my new money for McDonald's. And you're like, not this time.

[Jay]

Not this time. My baby's gonna have sex. It's the only thing that would keep you from McDonald's. You don't have to say anything. Here's money. Take my credit card. Use whatever credit card. We have a credit card.

[Lou]

So she gave you cash?

[Jay]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Lou]

So you went to your mom. You had that type of relationship where you can go to your mom and I want to have sex with this woman?

[Jay]

I don't know if I said that. I mean, I probably did say it like that, but, like, in a much funnier. That's the reaction I would have my mom. The kind of interaction I had with my mom.

[Lou]

So you're like, I'm gonna.

[Jay]

I go, yeah. I think this girl. This girl Holly is. It's gonna happen. I was thinking. But I have to go. She wants it to be, like, a thing. And her thing was. She was presenting to me like, you're. You know, I was like, her neighbor. We were friends. We, like, hung out a bunch. Cause she moved in with her molesting uncle and unaware aunt.

[Lou]

You couldn't use his apartment.

[Jay]

It's weird to move in with your molester. Isn't that weird? But anyway, who knows how that psychology works? But she. But yeah. So we'd hang out a bunch, and then it just got, like, sort of, like, flirtatious a little bit. But she had a boyfriend. Ish. At the time. She was still seeing, but she would hang out with me and then just kind of came, like. She started just doing, like, the. Like. Well, I want to show you stuff. Like, you're great and people should know. You know, you should be more confident and blah, blah, blah. And she just kind of, like, walked me through. She was cute.

[Lou]

So you got. The hotel was a little shitty.

[Jay]

Holiday Inn right by. We drove past the block.

[Lou]

And you didn't tell me that's where you got your cherry popped.

[Jay]

No, damn it. It was right across from. Right across from the Wawa. That was there. Oh, I remember the black horse bike.

[Lou]

I remember that. Wawa.

[Jay]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Lou]

And that's where you got your cherry popped.

[Jay]

Yeah. So Sadness Part 1 by Enigma Chant so you.

[Lou]

You went in and got the hotel or she had to get it because you weren't old enough to get it?

[Jay]

No, I got it. I took her to the Philly diner for a spaghetti dinner. I don't know why I chose to go spaghetti, meatballs. But I do remember that a wild.

[Lou]

Choice for sex pasta.

[Jay]

It was a. At a diner. It was a whole thing was wet for the night ahead.

[Lou]

He treated like a marathon car load for the night.

[Jay]

For the night ahead of us.

[Lou]

So. So you went. So you went and you got spaghetti and meatballs.

[Jay]

Got some spaghetti. Did you pay for that too? Yes.

[Lou]

So your mom gave you a little extra. She goes, you might.

[Jay]

I may have hungry. I may have had some cash. I think what I actually needed her to do was like. I think she ended up paying for, but I think had to use her debit card to get the room. To get the room.

[Lou]

So you got the room. Your mom get. Got the room for you.

[Jay]

And then I paid cash there.

[Lou]

There. And then you pay cash there. So you went to the dining room.

[Jay]

It was my money.

[Lou]

You ate first and then had sex, right? That's crazy.

[Jay]

I know. Didn't come.

[Lou]

That's a rookie move.

[Jay]

Farted.

[Lou]

Well, you couldn't come. You're full.

[Jay]

I did fart, though. I did fart from spaghetti dinner.

[Lou]

Wait a minute. You farted during sex?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Stop it, Bobby.

[Jay]

Don't you ever listen to my 2008 album American Storyteller where I lay all this out.

[Lou]

I listen to it every night before I go to bed. Just keep up on everything.

[Jay]

I thought you re up. You told me you re up that three times a year. Beer.

[Lou]

I do. I just started listening to it again with Max.

[Jay]

You said, it's your skanks for the memories, dude.

[Lou]

So. So wait a minute. So you. You had a meatball. Meatball dinner at a diner.

[Jay]

Spaghetti meatballs.

[Lou]

Spaghetti meatballs.

[Jay]

From what I remember, the. The sauce wasn't great.

[Lou]

Of course it was. It's a diner.

[Jay]

But plenty of bread.

[Lou]

So you went in and then you went to the hotel.

[Jay]

Was the hotel next door, right down the street? Yeah.

[Lou]

So you had to get in a car. Her car, because my car. Oh, you had a car. Oh, yeah.

[Jay]

16 or I was driving one of my parents cars.

[Lou]

So you drove down there with her and then you went to the hotel and it's to bang.

[Jay]

Oh, yeah.

[Lou]

So you go in and now after you bang, you spend the night.

[Jay]

Boombox. No, you had a boombox, Boombox playing this song, this cd, straight through, which is pretty much this song over and over again.

[Lou]

So you went in and hit the button. Was the. Was the boombox there? Did you had to bring in all your.

[Jay]

No, we brought a boombox.

[Lou]

So you brought all your stuff in like you were getting ready?

[Jay]

I do. It's funny. I didn't think. I forget what it was, but some kind of, like, booze she poured into a cup and I had some. And I was like. I was just like a naive kid. So I didn't really drink or anything when I was younger. So I remember, like, drinking, whether it's wine or whatever it was, I remember just having to keep the face that, like, it's good, it's good. He was like, can we stop drinking this? In my mind, I'm just like, can we do anything else but drink more of this?

[Lou]

This is a Dr. Pepper.

[Jay]

Exactly, yes. I was like, is there a sprite chaser, like, for wine? Yeah, it's really making my.

[Lou]

It makes the top.

[Jay]

My mouth hurt for some reason.

[Lou]

That's the tannins. So you. You had wine with her?

[Jay]

Something. Some kind of booze? I think it was wine.

[Lou]

You walked in, you put the radio where it needed to be, and then.

[Jay]

She poured some wine into some plastic, you know, Holiday Inn cups.

[Lou]

And then you hit the button. Was it a tape? It might be a tape, right?

[Jay]

Cd. This is her jam, though, by her, you know, thing. This is her shit.

[Lou]

And now, is it night time?

[Jay]

Oh, yeah, it's night time.

[Lou]

You got lights on, bathroom light on.

[Jay]

Low lighting. She set some lighting.

[Lou]

So she set some lighting. And then you. Did you guys start to, like, kiss on the end of the bed? Did you stand up and dance? A little. Like.

[Jay]

It's so funny. I don't. I don't know how much we kid. We probably did a little bit at that point. We had made out a little bit, and I think I fingered her on the golf course then.

[Lou]

Wait, wait, stop. Golf course?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Oh, before this.

[Jay]

Okay, before this.

[Lou]

Okay.

[Jay]

I'm saying through other times of hanging.

[Lou]

Out, you had spaghetti and meatballs, golfed. You're a real fucking romancer.

[Jay]

We had fooled around a little bit, but it wasn't like she didn't blow me. I fingered hers the most we ever went. We made out a couple times, I think. And then it was just kind of like, how many times she has a boyfriend? I don't remember.

[Lou]

Did you get her going or did you just finger?

[Jay]

I'd be lying if I told you I remember. I don't remember, but. And then. So in the hotel. The Sadness Part one, please.

[Christine]

I imagine she did like a scarf.

[Lou]

Dance up to you.

[Christine]

I feel like she like scarf danced up to him.

[Lou]

She showed up. She turned a. She had a fan on so the scarf would move like a snake.

[Jay]

She's like a Grateful Dead chick. She's wearing like. She was wearing like soccer shorts and some.

[Lou]

She put a red negligee over the lamp so the room went red.

[Jay]

She was. There's a picture of one of my things like of. Of me and her. I've sent to you before, but at my prom when I brought a 20 something year old to a prom.

[Lou]

Oh, this is the girl you brought to the prom?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Oh, wow. I brought in. I brought an older woman to my prom too.

[Jay]

Yeah, Yeah, I think we had this. We talked to this before. But anyway, so she. So whether we kissed or not, I don't remember talking it out a lot. She was like talking like, hey, now I'm gonna show you. This is what girls like when you do this. So it's like someone walking me through eating her pussy was interesting.

[Lou]

She's helping, she said she's actually helping you do it absolutely the right way. Now, did she undress you or did you undress yourself?

[Jay]

I don't remember. All I remember was she started doing like things like. This is all very first to me. This kind of. She's like kissing down my body. I don't think at the time.

[Lou]

Sorry. I hate. Let me just put this out there. Ladies, all the ladies listening. I guys don't like you to agree. Treat us like you.

[Jay]

Yeah, don't treat us like bitches.

[Lou]

Oh, how. What a fucking annoying.

[Jay]

That said, I do like when a girl puts her hands on my head if I'm eating her.

[Lou]

No, I love that. I'm talking when they slowly go down your neck to your chest.

[Jay]

Oh, yeah, don't. Yeah, don't work me over.

[Lou]

Yeah, fuck you go from my mouth to my. The head of my cock.

[Jay]

My big fat cock.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

But yeah, they.

[Lou]

She's spending eight minutes on my areolas, you fucking weirdos.

[Jay]

Yeah, I think she know that. And then all I know and I said that was like. It was all very new. So you have to consider also my little fat walrus naked body. And then she's kissing down it and everything is like almost like. It's almost like tickles. Everything.

[Lou]

Let me ask you a question. When you were looking Down. Did she disappear under your stomach?

[Jay]

Yeah, probably.

[Lou]

I've had that. When a girl goes to blow you and you can't see her.

[Jay]

Actually, no, not when I was 17. That. When I was 17.

[Lou]

Oh, dude, that's. That. That made me sick when that happened.

[Jay]

Maybe when I was, like, 26, maybe.

[Lou]

Don was blowing me once and I was like, dawn. Dawn. She's like, yes, your head popped out.

[Jay]

Yeah, but if she turned around the corner with a sandwich, where'd you go? You finished?

[Lou]

I've been saying yes for two minutes. I didn't hear you. You're under my stomach.

[Jay]

She's yelling at your.

[Lou]

So. So there's no passion in this.

[Jay]

I mean, I. I was. I like this girl a lot, but there's no passion.

[Lou]

It's not like you guys went in, ripped each other's clothes off and started.

[Jay]

No, but it was pretty, like, dope the way she was. Like, it was technical because, like, she would be like, do. It would be like, when she, like, do this. And girls, like, when you put your fingers in right away, like, this direction. Not like you're thinking real quick.

[Lou]

Side note, did you bring the extra spaghetti and meatballs from the diner?

[Jay]

I did not take it. There she is. I did not take any home.

[Lou]

You didn't.

[Jay]

You know what's so funny? Because when I tell the story. When I tell the story about me being 17 or 22, in my mind, we see the picture. She's gonna be taller than me. Like, I'm a little boy, and she did something to me.

[Lou]

Buddy, that's so funny. Your hair is. Your mushroom haircut is atrocious.

[Jay]

It was the thing at the time.

[Lou]

Oh, my God, dude.

[Jay]

And I was a fatso, and she wasn't fat, so that was exciting.

[Lou]

You're a big kid. You're not that fat.

[Jay]

At the time, that was morbidly obese.

[Lou]

I don't know. Now that jacket didn't fit at all.

[Jay]

Oh, my Angus suit.

[Lou]

Buddy, that. That arm is huge.

[Jay]

No, I think the picture is all splotchy.

[Lou]

Zoom in on that arm.

[Jay]

I think you're also seeing again, that's the bonfire burn mark. Making it look weird.

[Christine]

It is too big.

[Lou]

No, it's. No, the jacket is huge.

[Jay]

It was the 90s. You guys don't get it.

[Lou]

No, it's that you went and didn't.

[Jay]

That's why you don't know. Understand 90s hip hop and R B, they just.

[Lou]

You didn't get a. That's a renter, right?

[Jay]

Of course.

[Lou]

Yeah. That's a renter. They can't make the arms. You're wearing a. You're wearing a linebacker.

[Jay]

If they wanted to get. If they wanted to get it around my chest and gut, they had to give me the arms of Shaquille o'. Neal.

[Lou]

Exactly. That's the point I'm trying to make.

[Jay]

Yeah, you're right. Probably.

[Lou]

Were you wearing. What kind of. Were you wearing? Just a. A little brooch As a tie.

[Jay]

No, it wasn't weird that. Later that night, the scene. This will make me cry.

[Lou]

What is this, Angus? This is.

[Jay]

This is you. Yeah.

[Lou]

I gotta go re. Watch this.

[Jay]

This is super tight with his grandpa. Grandpa dies in the movie. Movie Grandpa took care of him. A little goofy friend who was like his best friend. They just kind of hung out together. And then he likes this girl and everyone's mean to him. And then he gets this one moment with her.

[Lou]

Right. Is this. Did this happen to you that night? No.

[Jay]

I did have my dance with my. The girl I liked a lot in high school. And it. She was not as into it as this girl is in the movie. Yeah, you. James Vanderbeek. I still hold anger towards the actual actor for the way he treated Angus.

[Lou]

You guys have the. You guys have the same sleeves too.

[Jay]

Go for it, Angus. It's the line.

[Lou]

Is that Dan Is that little nerdy guy?

[Jay]

That's my friend Randy Henkin.

[Lou]

Ah, that is you, dude. You're a little cutie.

[Jay]

Totally. And you know, it's funny, after this, they have the whole moment, he's having his great time and then she definitely, after the movie, goes back to James Van Der Beek and never did anything more than kiss him on his cheek.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

That is high school. That's reality of high school.

[Lou]

So. So she's basically slow walking you through this. Do this, do this.

[Jay]

But while she's doing that I said was awesome. When you start hitting that. She's telling me what to do and telling me correctly. Yeah, Everything right away. So when I'm doing it, she's reacting, which was awesome. Awesome.

[Lou]

She was getting into it.

[Jay]

Yeah. So I was definitely boned up. That wasn't an issue at all.

[Lou]

Did you wear. You had. She had the rubber and all that. She taught you how to put that on?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Yeah. How was that?

[Jay]

Wait, did we use.

[Lou]

You went raw dog? Your mom taught you nothing?

[Jay]

Yeah, maybe. I don't remember. No, I probably used the condom because I didn't come, so. Probably used a condom.

[Lou]

Why didn't you? You were too nervous.

[Jay]

It wasn't gonna happen.

[Lou]

Yeah. Ate too much Pasta too. Fold up your tub of who goes to eat meatballs. And positive. Before they fuck for the first time.

[Jay]

If I know I'm gonna fuck at night, if I know for sure I'm going to. I don't think I eat all day. No. Oh, after.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Fucking hilarious.

[Lou]

Such a nervous, chubby guy move.

[Jay]

Well, we went and got Peschetti and then went over there. Yeah. And then. So then. But the thing with me, when she went down on me, first time that's ever happening, too.

[Lou]

Oh, you had this, the first blowjob?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Wow.

[Jay]

So it was.

[Lou]

Did that. Did that's. Did that. Freak. You knew about blowjobs. So you're like, why are you doing that?

[Jay]

What is this your mouth? That's strange. No, Bobby, I've been watching pornography for many years before this.

[Lou]

So this is what you. That's what you wanted mainly, right? That must have blown your mind.

[Jay]

Blowjob. No, it wasn't what I wanted. Mainly I went. The. Mainly missionary or her on top? I don't know if she got on top that night. Went from behind. Definitely missionary. But the funny thing, always the fart and all this stuff, that's what I tell on, like, the story with the joke. Like, she went down and started, like, when she was, like. She gave me a blow job. She was 22, but she was, like, already giving a blow. It was working. Balls and.

[Lou]

Right.

[Jay]

And when she started licking my balls, I. We were ready to find out. My balls, then. They have their fun. Since now they're fine. I've been around the block a few times now, but at the time. Ticklish as hell.

[Lou]

Your balls?

[Jay]

Yeah. And I thought I was gonna fucking piss. And I was biting my lip not to laugh, and I farted a little. But luckily, I think the sounds of Enigma flashed it out.

[Lou]

You. Your balls were ticklish as a little. Your little.

[Jay]

Did you hear this, Bobby? Be honest.

[Lou]

Yeah, I heard it. Yep, I heard it.

[Jay]

I don't know if it was that long.

[Lou]

Hang on. Yep, I heard it.

[Jay]

Do it. Hang on. Again.

[Lou]

Yeah, I heard it.

[Jay]

It a. You know, she stop.

[Lou]

Huh?

[Jacob]

Did she just stop?

[Jay]

I never acknowledged it. And I didn't. I just thought she didn't notice.

[Lou]

That's a pro move.

[Jacob]

That's a good girl.

[Lou]

That's a pro move.

[Jay]

And then. And then we. And then I eventually made cum noises and went in the bathroom.

[Lou]

But when she went. Okay, slow you down a little bit. When she went down on you. Are you standing? Are you on your back?

[Jay]

Back.

[Lou]

You're on your back. So you're on your.

[Jay]

No pillow under my head. Look down. Just complete staring at the ceiling. Like laying like. Like the operation game. It's like just waiting for her to take out my knee bone and blow me.

[Lou]

It's like an.

[Jay]

My nose goes off.

[Lou]

An apparition sucking your dick. So you have no idea. You're not even looking at it. Right. You're just feeling it. And then you realize that your balls are ticklish.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Because they've never been touched by a.

[Jay]

Tongue or anybody else myself, I'm sure. But to the other look the same thing. I can't tickle my own feet. Feet. But somebody could tickle my feet.

[Lou]

Right.

[Jay]

You know, I mean it's a mental thing there. So like.

[Lou]

So now that doesn't bother you because you've had your balls lick, so.

[Jay]

Oh, my balls have been chomped and flipped and callous. Absolutely. Do whatever you want, dude.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Grab each one and do this.

[Lou]

You have, you have weight lifter hand nuts. So. So she goes. She's going down on you. She's. You start to get ticklish and a toot, a little meatball toot comes out.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

And are you, are you panicking that the smell don't you. Are you worried about the smell?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Lou]

And was there any smell?

[Jay]

No, no. It never got acknowledged. Like it would all. Thank God this went up like kind of.

[Lou]

And then the.

[Jay]

But I did fart in her chin.

[Lou]

And, and, and that. Cuz I would think that the first blow job would be make you nervous too because what if you come before you have sex?

[Jay]

Yeah, well, the fart helped that I. The fart did knock the comeback a little bit. I was worried about that for sure. I think that's all I've strangely. I think a lot of guys have said they've backed up. I've strangely not come from sex many times and not been like the nights of failure necessarily. I was just like, it ain't gonna happen for some reason. You know, I mean it's like mental usually. It's kind of like. And it's that it's like something that's new maybe. And you're like, fuck, I don't want to. To come super fast and then you don't come at all. Somehow you kick it so far down the road that you're like, oh, I don't know where I'm at now.

[Lou]

Right. Yeah.

[Jay]

Because what I will eventually get is the. I'm going too long. Like I'm like, she's over it now. I'm like taking forever.

[Lou]

Well, You're. Yeah, you were in your head.

[Jay]

It's like you went to. Well, I'm saying this happened as an adult many times. Right then I'm like, oh, they hate this because I'm taking too long. Like, they didn't want to be too fast. Now I'm getting into too long, where it's just soreness and waiting. Also, if someone asks you, like, are you gonna come? You're like, fuck. Bye. Nope, I'm gonna leave.

[Lou]

I've had girls do that too.

[Jay]

Are you gonna come?

[Lou]

You're like, it's such a passive aggressive dick thing to do. I'd rather you go, hey, let's try another day. Or let's. Hey, let's stop. Or it's. Tell me that you're. You're hurting or you don't want to do it. Don't say, are you gonna come?

[Jay]

If you ask, what could I do to make you come? Might make you come. Maybe if you word it better.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

How about the wording of are you gonna come? Makes go. It's like, hey, you know, I got other. I got to do. Like, is this gonna be over? So even if they don't mean it that way, that's exactly how.

[Lou]

This is how you switch it up. Ready? Instead of, hey, are you gonna come? It's baby, I want you to come so bad. I want you to come all over my everything.

[Jay]

Right come.

[Lou]

Impossible. My mouth right now. I want to. That would make me come.

[Jay]

Yes.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Yes.

[Lou]

That was good.

[Jay]

Catch you guys. Next week on the Bot.

[Lou]

Is everybody hard?

[Jacob]

You know what to say?

[Lou]

Yeah, I do. Look at you.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Lou]

No, well, it's.

[Jay]

Right.

[Lou]

It's just tone, you know, it's. But they, they. They get.

[Jay]

It's simple wording. Like I said. If you make it seem like it's like, if there's like a dot, dot, dot to your sentence of like, hey, man, you know, I mean, like, is this. Are you almost done?

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Socks. Yeah. Sucks. All you gotta do is grind your teeth a little bit and get angry at my dick. You. I'm gonna get the crumb out of this little pecker right now. Get mad at my dick. Don't get mad at me.

[Jay]

Yeah, like, put out there in the world. I don't want people to say, give me your coming out of that little pecker to me at all. That will not make me come. Give me the cup of that little pecker. I go, what? My jerk would slow down. I go, what? Why are you saying what?

[Lou]

Yeah, how is it?

[Jay]

I'm gonna Suck the come out of your little teensy tiny pecker. Is that what you want, Bobby? You want to be shamed? Is that what you're training on to do? To shame your little penis? What's up, you little pigtail wiener queef? What do you want the time of day? Hey, it's 5:03, you lady boy. So poor Holly.

[Lou]

So let me ask you a question.

[Jay]

Molested. Well into her 20s. Yes.

[Lou]

It's wild.

[Jay]

So when do you stop calling it molested, though, and you start calling it sex with your uncle?

[Lou]

21.

[Jay]

21.

[Lou]

So. So she goes down on you, your balls get tickled, you toot. And then does she just go on. Now you're hard at this point, you have an erection.

[Jay]

Oh, yeah.

[Lou]

Yeah. And you're in your head because of the tune.

[Jay]

No doubt.

[Lou]

Right. And now does she get on top? Does she. What's the first move?

[Jay]

I don't remember, but I think. I think we only fucked from behind and me on top.

[Lou]

Now, does it pop out a couple times?

[Jay]

No.

[Lou]

No, he doesn't have that thing where she's like, I got it, I got it.

[Jay]

Not that I remember.

[Lou]

No, don't think so. So you're pumping away. And who. When do you call the game? Who calls it and when?

[Jay]

It was definitely from behind and I was able to make the fake.

[Lou]

Oh, you fake cummed. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jay]

I just made the noises.

[Lou]

What's the noise? Can I. Can you remember the noise?

[Jay]

Oh, I do it.

[Lou]

That's pretty good. That's how you have a recording of it. Wow, that is fucking. Holy shit. That would make any girl happy.

[Jacob]

Powerful.

[Jay]

Yeah. Yeah. And then I. But then only a little comes out.

[Lou]

Can I hear it one more time? Wow.

[Jay]

And then just like. And then like in front of the camera, you just see load slide down.

[Lou]

And then you had a fake wipe up load.

[Jay]

I believe it was a condom because I think I went in the bathroom and like.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Just threw the condom off and been like, I came in the condom.

[Lou]

Spit in the condom, give a little.

[Jay]

She didn't check.

[Lou]

Just. Yeah, in case she checked.

[Jay]

You flush a condom in a hotel. Who gives a fuck?

[Lou]

Yeah, well, back then we didn't know about septics.

[Jay]

Yeah, we didn't know about that shit. I wonder if it's. Why it's. That hotel's gone now. You never hear about a holiday and going under. I sent it down my fucking. That is always the funniest thing that I never tell when I tell my virginity story, which I've told a bunch, but, like, it's always left out is that we went for to Philly Diner, which Christine's aware of. She's been there before.

[Lou]

Did you get the. We should go there and get the meatballs and spaghetti.

[Jay]

She's never been there for dinner.

[Lou]

Oh, we should go there.

[Jay]

I love it. Oh, they're open. Face girl. Reuben's. Fantastic.

[Lou]

Is the meatball and spaghetti paschetti any better?

[Jay]

I don't believe it was very good from what I recall. I think I just didn't know what to do. I think I was broke. I think I was spending most of my money on that hotel room. Yeah. Honestly, at that time. And. And I think I probably had like. I probably had like a $40 budget or $30 budget for dinner, you know?

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Jay]

And like, you know, she was a kid too, technically, so she was broke and we just was like, everyone was happy to be like, let's get some spaghetti, meatballs. You can have some, like, toast and jelly or whatever.

[Lou]

So funny that all the waiters, waitresses were probably like, look at the little cute couple. He took her on a date, not knowing that he was going to be farting in her face in around 45 minutes.

[Jay]

Silly diner. Silly diner. Little heavy on the garlic.

[Lou]

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[Jay]

For a limited time at McDonald's.

[Lou]

Get a Big Mac Extra Value meal for $8. That means two all beef patties, special.

[Jay]

Sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, and medium fries. And a drink. We may need to change that jingle.

[Lou]

Prices and participation may vary.