Milking with Colin Quinn

Summary

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The Bonfire – "Milking with Colin Quinn"

SiriusXM Faction Talk, May 12, 2026
Guests: Colin Quinn (filling in for Big Jay Oakerson), Jim Florentine
Hosted by: Robert Kelly

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bonfire features Robert Kelly joined by veteran comedian Colin Quinn (filling in for Big Jay Oakerson), and fellow comic Jim Florentine. The group delivers their signature blend of irreverent, unfiltered humor, diving into behind-the-scenes comedian stories, the changing comedy scene, sexual misadventures, social media interactions, therapy, and the quirks of Catholicism. Their conversational style, marked by playful barbs and confessional honesty, is on full display, with stand-out moments ranging from private fan messages to insights on comedy culture and religious upbringings.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Comedy Nostalgia, Childhood Icons, and 70s TV

• [01:07–04:38]
  • Opens with a riff on TV music, specifically the Partridge Family and Sean Cassidy, evoking nostalgia—“Back when America was simple and so were songs and girls were easy.” (Robert Kelly, 02:54)
  • Discussion about the cultural innocence of that era, and the unintentionally wild lives of TV stars.

2. Comics Talking Shop and Comedy Festivals

• [09:57–13:56]
  • “All week long, I packed the show with all comics that did not get…to Netflix is a Joke Festival in LA.” (Robert Kelly, 10:08)
  • Lighthearted lament over being left out of mainstream comedy festivals; the "Bonfire Fest" as a DIY alternative.
  • Noting how comedy has become over-saturated, with non-comedians even performing at big festivals.
  • Friendly teasing between Kelly and Florentine about their own road gigs and how festival inclusion doesn't define career success.

3. Comic Relationships and Social Habits

• [12:00–14:56]
  • Riff on the bizarre etiquette of phone calls and texts between male comedians.
  • “Joe didn’t want to call you in the first place...when you didn’t pick up, it’s like, dude, I ting you’re it, I’m out.” (Robert Kelly, 12:25)
  • Jim Norton’s infamous boundaries—never calls, slow to text back, prefers only texts (“He has rules. He’ll say, text me, it’s better...then he won’t call back.” - Robert Kelly, 13:55)
  • Amusement at how male friendships in comedy are fraught with odd rituals and avoidance.

4. Martial Arts Obsessions in the Comic Circle

• [14:20–15:54]
  • Discussion around Jim Norton taking up MMA—his dedication to Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu, but refusal to actually fight.
  • “He’s not taking MMA to fight us…he’s taking it to defend himself at his house.” (Robert Kelly, 14:20)
  • Joke scenarios imagining Jim in awkward situations at martial arts classes.

5. Sexual Confessions, Fan Interactions & ‘Milking’

• [16:10–26:40]
  • Hilarious, explicit run-through of a fan’s raunchy message and topless photo, with Paco performing an over-the-top dramatic reading (18:10–21:12).
    • “I want to put all your balls in my mouth.” (Fan message read by Paco, 18:16)
    • “Balls. All balls. All right, go ahead. Start from the top again.” (Robert Kelly, 20:36)
  • Joy and pride at finally receiving risqué fan mail.
  • Explanation/discussion of “milking”—in sexual slang and as a table/fetish, comparing “rich” and “poor people” versions of the act (25:08–26:40)

6. Old-School Sex, Polaroids, and Cheating Stories

• [35:01–44:05]
  • Reminiscing about pre-digital “sexting” via Polaroid photos (“Polaroids were the best because those are the ones you hid.” – Robert Kelly, 35:39)
  • Classic story of Kelly getting caught cheating, how Florentine gave the only solid, supportive advice (“Try to get help. Try to work it out. Give yourself eight months…” – Jim Florentine, 44:05)
  • “You have to get help. If you don’t get help, I’m leaving.” (Robert Kelly, recalling Dawn’s words, 43:49)
  • Several minutes on how comics’ friends are both enablers and lifelines in personal crises.

7. Therapy, TM, and Life Advice

• [44:05–55:55]
  • Therapy as a recurring theme, in context of both needing it and resisting it.
  • “My therapist called me a lifer.” (Robert Kelly, 50:03)
  • Arguments about whether therapy should have an end date, referencing Howard Stern as someone who’s done lifelong therapy.
  • Extended bit on Transcendental Meditation (TM), the elusive "mantra," and rituals around it—Colin refusing to reveal his actual mantra (“If you give out the mantra, it disintegrates into the atmosphere.” – Colin Quinn, 53:48).
  • A lot of tongue-in-cheek mystique and skepticism about self-help rituals.

8. Catholicism, Priests, and Hidden Gay Subculture

• [55:55–61:29]
  • Amusingly serious analysis of why the Catholic church has so many gay priests and why that might have led to abuse scandals.
  • “I always defend the priests…most of those priests are just gay guys…Back then you couldn’t say, ‘my son’s gay’...” (Colin Quinn, 57:46)
  • “When you walk into [a church], a straight guy could not have done the interior design…the candles are all gay guys.” (Colin Quinn, 60:02 & 60:24)
  • Personal stories of weird priests, undercutting the heavy theme with friendly ribbing.

9. Comedian Promotions and Upcoming Projects

• [61:29–End]
  • Quick plugs for Jay Oakerson (performing at Netflix's festival in LA), Colin Quinn’s upcoming "immersive" showcase, and Kelly’s tour dates.
  • “Colin, what do you promote? Colin wrote a new immersive…wow, what a word…showcase.” (Robert Kelly, 62:07)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Nostalgia & Simpler Times:
  “This is what Trump wants to get back to — I played this over and over when I was a kid on cassette.”
  — Robert Kelly, [02:54]

• On the comedy festival FOMO:
  “There’s a lot of comics. There’s actually people who aren’t comics that are doing comedy at the festival.”
  — Robert Kelly, [10:45]

• On male comic friendships:
  “That laugh really stings…Once in a while she lays it in, right? It can be fun, and then it can really hurt.”
  — Robert Kelly, [37:50]

• Fan Message Reading with Paco:
  Paco: “Milk you. I think you’re so sexy. I want…to put all your balls in my mouth.”
  — Paco reading, [18:16]
  Jim Florentine: “How many you have?”
  — [18:29]
  Robert Kelly: “She could have said one and I would have been like, what about the other one?”
  — [18:33]

• On “Milking” as a Fetish:
  “Milking is when you’re on all fours and they reach from behind…like you milk a cow. That comes from my fat days.”
  — Robert Kelly, [25:39]

• Therapy and Lifer Status:
  “My therapist called me a lifer.”
  — Robert Kelly, [50:03]

• On Catholic priests:
  “A straight guy could not have done the interior design on the church. That was gay guys…candles are all gay guys.”
  — Colin Quinn, [60:02 & 60:24]

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Important Timestamps & Segments

• Opening + Partridge Family, Nostalgia – [01:07–04:38]
• ‘Not Going to Netflix Festival’ & DIY Comedy Fest – [09:57–10:45]
• Comics Group Texts, Etiquette, Norton’s Boundaries – [12:00–14:56]
• Martial Arts Alibis and Comic Self-Defense – [14:20–15:54]
• Fan Lurid DM Reading (‘Milking’ and Balls) – [16:10–22:01] (continued on [33:13–34:42])
• Polaroids & Cheating Confessions – [35:01–44:05]
• Therapy, Why Comics Need It, TMs & Mantras – [44:05–55:55]
• Religion, Catholic Church, and Gay Priests – [55:55–61:29]
• Upcoming Comics’ Projects + Sign-Off – [61:29–end]

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Episode Tone & Style

Raw, brutally self-deprecating, full of inside jokes and absolute honesty—these comics speak in a way that’s both revealing and utterly unserious. Their camaraderie, willingness to admit uncomfortable truths, and relentless roasting of each other and themselves makes this episode especially rich for fans of stand-up, backstage gossip, and the darker edges of adulthood.

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Final Thoughts

This episode stands out as a comedic confessional, with Robert Kelly and Colin Quinn riffing freely across topics from comedy industry inside-baseball to sexual fetishes and Catholic upbringing. For regular listeners, this is The Bonfire at its most authentic—no sacred cows, no awkward silences, and no subject too taboo if it serves the laugh.

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Transcript

[Robert Kelly]

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[Doug]

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[Christine]

Hey, everyone. Check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?

[Doug]

Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Doug]

Anyways, get a'@libertymutual.com or with your local agent.

[Robert Kelly]

Liberty.

[Christine]

Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.

[Jim Florentine]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, Jay's. Jay's rolling in his grave right now. Is that the Partridge Family? Yes, it is.

[Jim Florentine]

Good one.

[Robert Kelly]

I knew I'd get it.

[Jim Florentine]

Partridge Family.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God. What's up, everybody? It's me, Robert Kelly. And as you can tell by the music choices, Big J's not in studio, and I. I let my guest pick the tune. The great Colin Quinn is filling in for Jay. Oh, my God, you. And here's the problem, okay? I gotta admit, it really does make you. The Padre family really did put a smile on my face. You can't help but like it. Look, Jacob's smiling. He never smiles.

[Jim Florentine]

No, he loves his song. I mean, Jacob. Jacob pretended he didn't know it. He knew it very well.

[Robert Kelly]

He knows it.

[Jim Florentine]

He goes, I think I know it. You don't think you know it. It's in the rotation.

[Robert Kelly]

Is it David Cassidy? Yeah, David Cassidy. And didn't he have a brother?

[Jim Florentine]

Another Sean Cassidy?

[Robert Kelly]

Sean Cassidy was his brother. He had a hit song, too. What was his hit? So he was on the. The Hardy Boys, right? Yes, right. But the. He was the cool one. The other one was just the good looking one, right?

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah, that's exactly right.

[Robert Kelly]

Sean Cassidy had like buck teeth or some weird shit.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah, yeah, but he had. He had a little vibe going.

[Robert Kelly]

He had a vibe.

[Christine]

Do Run Run. He sang a remake of To Do Run.

[Robert Kelly]

To Do Run Run, which is a huge song. How can you not sing? Not play that low? Did you Did Run, Run Run. Look, At Paco's. Like what? Yeah. Did do run run run to do run run? Yeah, he. But you know what they had? You know what he had? That was my favorite thing. Here it is right here. This is our music. Back when America. This is. Is what Trump R. He wants to get back to this.

[Christine]

I played this over and over and

[Robert Kelly]

over when I was a kid on cassette. On cassette.

[Christine]

I had the album.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, you had an album? Yeah, I had this on cassette. When America was simple and so were songs and girls were easy. Girls were easy. They. They'd actually give up some. Some cootie for a song like this. The thing that he had.

[Jim Florentine]

Meanwhile, Black Blue's like. They stole this from Howlin wolf back in 1937.

[Robert Kelly]

We stole it all. We stole it all and made it corny and digestible.

[Christine]

His co host on the Hardy, the Hardy Boys co star was Parker Stevenson.

[Robert Kelly]

Parker Stevenson.

[Christine]

Kirsty Alley said massive penis got a big penis. She was married to him.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Christine]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

And they got divorced, of course.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you can't stay with a girl who has monkeys.

[Jim Florentine]

She had monkeys as pets?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. What are they called? Limas.

[Jim Florentine]

She had a. Oh, no.

[Robert Kelly]

Whole backyard full of limas.

[Jim Florentine]

You know, I was once in Florida down by, I don't know, like near West Palm.

[Robert Kelly]

We'll see where this is going.

[Jim Florentine]

Near West Palm.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Florentine]

And there was. I was walking. I was staying with this girl and was walking in this weird, like a weird, like location. It was houses. Yeah. But anyway, the shorts version is they all had, you know, screens, but in one screen, I'm walking by, there was this monkey and every day I would forget about it because I was stoned and drunk. And every day I walked by and it would come back. Ah. And scream. Every day. But he was. He was trapped like she had him trapped like. And this monkey wanted to get out and kill. You could just see it wanted to kill people.

[Robert Kelly]

It was a bad neighborhood.

[Jim Florentine]

It wasn't a bad neighborhood. It was like a redneck kind of neighborhood.

[Robert Kelly]

Thanks, Christine.

[Jim Florentine]

It was a redneck neighborhood.

[Robert Kelly]

That was a joke. Sorry, bad taste. Thank you, Paco. When I was in Costa Rica, the. The Airbnb that we had, every morning at the Same time around 30 Howla monkeys would come out and that, you know, the. The lead one would come out and then make sure the. It was cool. And then the little ones would follow with. And they just hang out in the tree and just sit there and. And you weren't supposed to do that, but I did that. Yeah, that sound.

[Jim Florentine]

Wow, is that crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

And then they were, they would just hang out in the tree, look at you. And you're not supposed to look them in the eye because that's like a sign of aggression.

[Jim Florentine]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

Where they just, you know, they would, you know. And it's so funny. I couldn't keep. I. I was trying to just keep eye contact with the. The one one had huge balls.

[Jim Florentine]

Right.

[Robert Kelly]

Which I thought was amazing, how big their balls were. And I was staring him in the eye and I actually bitched me out.

[Jim Florentine]

I looked down like, jim Florentin, he has huge balls.

[Robert Kelly]

How do you know that?

[Jim Florentine]

One time we were at his pizza place and everybody's saying, Jim has huge balls. He's like, I have huge balls. He was the first one to just say it. Yeah. So I go, let's see. He goes to the bathroom. We're sitting at the table like a pizzeria. And he goes in the bathroom and just stands there and opens the door slightly and takes his balls out. The door was open.

[Robert Kelly]

Was it worth it?

[Jim Florentine]

Anybody could have walked by. I don't remember being blown away, but I remember thinking, yeah, I guess he's that big enough to where he shows him. You're not like, what are you doing? Those aren't huge.

[Robert Kelly]

They were big enough that you were like, okay, good. You sat down, had pizza.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah. We were in the middle of eating, watching. It was the floor show.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know why having balls, the. There's a certain stage in my life showing your balls was just fun.

[Jim Florentine]

It's funny.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know why it's fun to pull your balls out. Not the dick. I don't like pulling my balls.

[Jim Florentine]

Is funny.

[Robert Kelly]

Dick and balls. Not funny.

[Jim Florentine]

Balls funny.

[Robert Kelly]

Hilarious. I used to wait tables at La Familia Giorgio's, shout out La Familias. And me and Aldo Benny, who was La familia, and we used to, we used to weigh tables and it was, you know, mob, whatever kind of run place. And we used to have our, our balls out under our aprons.

[Jim Florentine]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Kelly]

And we used to do the lunch rush.

[Jim Florentine]

Oh my God.

[Robert Kelly]

And we used to, we used to go, hey, hey, Al. And I pull my apron up and show my nuts, but right next to tables just to see if we could get caught doing it. Never got caught.

[Jim Florentine]

Thank God you never got caught up. Who's a. What if it's a mobbed guy's aunt and his sister in law, they're sitting there at a table.

[Robert Kelly]

It was, it was a five dollar five. Five dishes, special meal. It was all fucking penny pinchers from the district. The financial district was never. They only came in on weekends. Joe the Barber.

[Jim Florentine]

But it was in. It was in North End, right?

[Robert Kelly]

North End, Best. Best Italian section in the world.

[Christine]

By the way, a friend of mine, he was a waiter for a while, and one of the women sitting at the table really pissed him off, so complained about her cappuccino, and so he took it and froed the milk with his nutsack hair and gave it back to her, and she. She said it was great.

[Robert Kelly]

Too far. She didn't complain.

[Jim Florentine]

Too far. Too much.

[Robert Kelly]

It's too much.

[Jim Florentine]

Your friend's a psychopath.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude. Yeah. You don't want to dip your balls and stuff. That's too far.

[Jim Florentine]

Is this friend working and sitting on a microphone right now?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Jim Florentine]

Well, you know, there used to be. I used to go. This girl, she told me she worked in Japan, and they would. There was a restaurant that a bar people would go to where the waiters would stir the drink with their penis. Like, that was part of the.

[Robert Kelly]

In Japan and.

[Jim Florentine]

In Japan. I know.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you sure it's Japan? Yes. I remember it took 30 minutes to get a drink.

[Jim Florentine]

But isn't that crazy? Like, people would go there. Like, that was part of the hook of the place, like. And you'd watch the guy start the drink with his penis. Well, she said Japan was very perverted.

[Robert Kelly]

I tell you what, it is a good hook. I'd go.

[Jim Florentine]

I would go once. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I would go, you have to go just once. Yeah, Yeah. I love taking my balls out back in the day. I won't take them out now. They're too big now.

[Jim Florentine]

You could have worked in the. In Japan. Big in Japan.

[Robert Kelly]

I could. I could work there because of my face, too, according to you.

[Jim Florentine]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, whatever.

[Jim Florentine]

I look like. Yeah, I look like what you look like. You probably put an armbar on Jean Claude Van Damme at some point in the early 90s.

[Robert Kelly]

Real quick, where am I playing next weekend?

[Jim Florentine]

At the end of where am I playing? Oh, I don't remember. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Uncle Vinny's. No, no, you already did Uncle Vinny's.

[Robert Kelly]

I did. You piece of.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah, just did Uncle Vinny's.

[Robert Kelly]

Hold on.

[Jim Florentine]

It's somewhere from. Oh, it's like. Oh, wait a minute. It's a weird Ohio gig. Or weird. It's. It's somewhere. Illinois or Ohio. It's. It's a strange. It's two different locations.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Jim Florentine]

Yes. No, two different locations.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna be. It's a trick question. I'M opening for Shane in Boston. You would have never got it. Oh.

[Jim Florentine]

But the next other gig after that is some weird Illinois or Ohio gigs that we each went separate.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm in Ohio. Cleveland. You're right. And then I'm. I'm actually. And then I'm doing. I'm doing New Orleans.

[Jim Florentine]

New Orleans. Yeah. And Alabama the next day.

[Robert Kelly]

It's. It's crazy. It's nuts.

[Jim Florentine]

It's.

[Robert Kelly]

You gotta stop. You gotta get another hobby. And it's only me.

[Jim Florentine]

I. It's only you. I go downtown and go all around.

[Robert Kelly]

It's only me. I don't understand it. It makes me frightened. We were talking about we're the only comics. All week long. I packed the show with all comics that did not get. Are not going to Netflix as a joke festival in la.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

No, you're not going. Voss is on tomorrow. He ain't going. And Versus on Wednesday. He ain't going. No. None of us gotten Fired Festival. It's the. Yeah, we created our own festival. There you go, Jake.

[Jim Florentine]

This is the bonfire.

[Robert Kelly]

This is the Bonfire Fest.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah. We're doing our festival. They're saturated with comics. There's so many comics. It's. It's annoying.

[Robert Kelly]

There's a lot of comics. There's actually comics that aren't comics. There's actually people who aren't comics that are doing comedy at the festival.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Florentine]

Well, it's. But it's also obnoxious that many people and all the LA fans are going to be forced to go even though they don't want to go. It's too many people. Like, people feel compelled to go. Like the.

[Robert Kelly]

Like.

[Jim Florentine]

Okay, they're giving us discount. More tickets. Okay. Eight for 12. And it's just going to be packed with people that don't want to be there.

[Robert Kelly]

Eight for 12.

[Jim Florentine]

Well, I'm going to say they give you like 12.

[Robert Kelly]

Eight.

[Jim Florentine]

Well, here's the thing, by the way. No one's ever said. I don't know why I decided to invent that.

[Robert Kelly]

I love. I love that. That's the excuse why we didn't get picked to go.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah. Because we don't. We're not part of the saturation of comedy.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, is that it?

[Jim Florentine]

The overexposure of comedy? We're trying to stand tall.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, we're doing a damn good job of not being over saturated, I tell you that. Yeah. This whole week is full of guests who aren't oversaturated.

[Jim Florentine]

That's right.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, every single person I know is at the festival.

[Jim Florentine]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

They're all there.

[Jim Florentine]

Even people I didn't think were there. They're like, oh, no, he's doing that show there.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Ari's out there. Yeah, Ari's out there. Jay's out there. Lewis is out there. Yeah, Joe List is out there. Right? Is Joe List out there?

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah, I saw Jolis the other day.

[Robert Kelly]

Dan Sodas out there.

[Jim Florentine]

I gave Joe a good talking to because Joe left me a message. Here's. Here's what bothers me, and I don't blame. It's not just Joe, but let's put John, you know, for the hell of it is he leads me and he goes, hey, you don't have to call me back. Just saying hi. Don't tell somebody. You don't have to call me back. Obviously, now the ball's in their court, so if you leave me a message. Oh, you have to call me back. You have. I don't call you back.

[Robert Kelly]

This.

[Jim Florentine]

I'm going to irritate you.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but you know what that is? That's because Joe didn't want to call you in the first place. That's because he was calling just to say I called.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And when you didn't pick up, it's like, dude, I'm in. I ting you're it. I'm out.

[Jim Florentine]

But he doesn't want you to call us. He's not tagging, right?

[Robert Kelly]

He does not want to talk to you. Does not want. That's a thing.

[Jim Florentine]

Who.

[Robert Kelly]

Somebody's going, I haven't called him a while. I feel bad. And then he calls and you don't pick up. Thank God. Hey, man, you don't have to call me back. But whatever. He's just calling you and he's out.

[Jim Florentine]

And I. That's so funny. And, you know, I said it to him too. And he goes, so what, you got a new bit?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Joe is not a. He never calls. He never calls. Norton never calls.

[Jim Florentine]

Well, Norton put us. Norton put us in our place about 14 years ago. We all kept calling him. One day we start talking to each other going, does not ever call you back. He never calls me back. He pisses me off. He goes, he never calls me back either. He'll respond. And even with texts, he'll respond to texts. He's like a Gen Z personality with this kind of thing. He won't call you ever. Never calls, and he'll text when he feels like it.

[Robert Kelly]

Two days later, it will be two days later. And then I'd be like, dude, what the fuck? It's two days later. Yeah, dude, I was at the gym for two days. Two days. It's like, what the fuck you talking. It's weird. Norton did release us from a friendship that we had. Like, I call Voss, I call you, I call Keith. You pick up, we talk. If you call Norton, he won't pick up the phone.

[Jim Florentine]

No, he's.

[Robert Kelly]

He's. He has rules. He'll say, text me, it's better, and

[Jim Florentine]

then he won't call back.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, and then.

[Jim Florentine]

He has boundaries.

[Robert Kelly]

He has. He has weird boundaries that he set up with us. Is. Do you think we did something?

[Jim Florentine]

I mean, how could we all have done the same thing? That's ridiculous. If it was one of us, you'd say he's pissed.

[Robert Kelly]

We're very similar. I mean. I mean.

[Jim Florentine]

Well, so is he, though, I'll tell you. We're gonna have to test out that MMA on him and see if it's really working. He keeps us up.

[Paco]

Oh.

[Jim Florentine]

Oh. Head with that fool and see what he's got.

[Robert Kelly]

He's not taking MMA to fight us or anybody else. He's taking it to defend himself at his house. You know that. You know MMA crazy courses Jim's taken. He's taking Jiu Jitsu and he's taking something else.

[Jim Florentine]

Muay Thai. He's been doing it for, like, three or four years. Consistently twice a week.

[Christine]

Yeah, that's pretty good.

[Jim Florentine]

And Muay Thai is probably his specialty because he does look like a very Thai. He looks like a little, you know, I mean, he's statue, and he's got those big calves that a lot of Asians have. No offense, but they do have.

[Robert Kelly]

But you look at him right there.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah, there you go.

[Christine]

Have you seen him fight?

[Robert Kelly]

No, he doesn't fight.

[Jim Florentine]

He won't fight.

[Robert Kelly]

He's not fighting.

[Christine]

He's training well. Have you seen him train?

[Jim Florentine]

Fight well, you won't let us go to the. That would be so awkward. Show up if he doesn't even want us to call. Can you imagine if we show up at the gym? We're looking through the window like his parents.

[Robert Kelly]

It's like Cobra Kai. No, I could just see him, though. No one ever gets a choke on him. It just slips out.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah, it just sinks in.

[Robert Kelly]

Jim never taps. All his limbs are flexible. It's like trying to do Jiu Jitsu with a booger. I mean, I love jib, but I can't imagine him because, you know, I go to Matt's Max's Jiu Jitsu, and it's pretty aggressive. These guys are pretty aggressive. I. I Would love to go and watch him just audit a class. Just watch Jim wrestle. I bet he's. I bet he's in a triangle intentionally.

[Jim Florentine]

I bet he goes to. He goes to Max's class. He would fit right in. They'd think he was a 14 year old.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I'd love to put him and Max together to see Max choke him out. Oh, that'd be fantastic at Thanksgiving, right in front of his girl Nikki. Oh, Jimmy, you get choked up by a 12 year old. I just gave her a Puerto Rican accent.

[Jim Florentine]

I don't know why she had that accent. That was his fantasy of the transit.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, you know what happened this weekend, which was awesome. Oh, I'm so excited to tell everybody, the whole crew, because you're part of it. I'm very excited. Oh, I got boob pic. And I got a sexy note on social media. And I'm talking. It wasn't sexy. It was dirty. Right down my alley.

[Christine]

Whoa.

[Robert Kelly]

I got a boob pic. So I got a thank you fan of the show because I was complaining last week. I never get anything.

[Christine]

I don't believe.

[Robert Kelly]

You got to ask. You don't believe. So you want to see it?

[Christine]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, I'll show it to you. But I do. I don't want you judging the boobs. No, I don't want judging. All right, I'll show you boobs, but I don't want judging of the boobs. All right. Beggars can't be chooses. There. I. There. I like them. They're very big. And I would say, I don't know, should I show them?

[Jim Florentine]

I feel male or female guys have boobs now too. Don't be so intolerant.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I'm not intolerant. It's female boobs. Oh, here we go. You ready for this? You ready for this? There's the dirty message. You want to hear the dirty message?

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you want to hear it?

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah. Then. Then the boob pick.

[Robert Kelly]

I should have. Well, here's the problem with the dirty message.

[Jim Florentine]

Oh, too dirty?

[Robert Kelly]

No, it was perfect. Right down my alley. I was so into it. But then at the end, she threw dawn in the mix.

[Jim Florentine]

Oh, well, she's trying to be polite. She's like, hey, I don't want to be. I don't break up your marriage.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but it was like, right. I was in it. I was reading, and all of a sudden it's like. And.

[Jim Florentine]

And Dawn's yelling. You picture dawn yelling at you? What the hell are you doing?

[Robert Kelly]

She's. It said you and don Should. It was just like, read it. Huh? Chopaka, read it. Yeah. Paco, come over here.

[Jim Florentine]

Now, could you read it in female voice?

[Robert Kelly]

Now, I'm not gonna reveal who it was, so I don't want you to see the name because you'll fucking hit her up and like her and follow her, you pervert. All right? Yeah. Grab that. Grab that microphone. We're a professional radio show. You don't need to use my mic. Okay? Ready? Yeah, go ahead. Now read it in a second.

[Jim Florentine]

Voice is too deep.

[Robert Kelly]

No, do it in your voice. Voice like your father's voice.

[Paco]

Milk you. I think you're so sexy. I want you to come in my mouth, light your cigar for you, rub your shoulders. I want to put all your balls in my mouth.

[Jim Florentine]

Oh, how many you have?

[Robert Kelly]

Two. I got two.

[Jim Florentine]

I said all your balls.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, she could have said one and I would have been like, what about the other one?

[Jim Florentine]

But. But she should have said your balls.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, well, is three okay? Wait a minute. I mean, when you say ball, you can't just say, I want to put your ball. Yeah, all is too much. I told you not to judge it. Okay, but you're right. Balls is too much.

[Jim Florentine]

You said don't judge the boobs.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a love letter. All is too much.

[Jim Florentine]

You're right.

[Paco]

I want to put all your balls in my mouth.

[Robert Kelly]

It's way too much. All right, we're going to have to. I thought that was ani. Yeah.

[Christine]

Is it Ani?

[Robert Kelly]

It's not Ani. It's real. And I really thank you so much for this, but you should next time you write a letter. Yeah, use. Use Singular or plural? Don't use all. Okay, ready?

[Paco]

I want to put all your balls.

[Robert Kelly]

Can you just change it real quick? Let's just. Let's just. Let's just change it because you're ruining. I want to read this later and I'm gonna have to. Just change it to balls. Okay.

[Paco]

I want to put Balls.

[Robert Kelly]

Your balls. Paco, you're not taking the note. Listen, I want to put.

[Jim Florentine]

He did it. He did it deliberately.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm going with the bit. Paco, I want you to say, put your balls. Okay, Ready? Just say. Just change it to balls.

[Paco]

Put your balls.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I want to.

[Paco]

I want to put your balls in my mouth. Yeah, I know how you do it. Gently. It will makes you twitch to X.

[Robert Kelly]

She's not retarded. Could you read it again? Oh, she did a typo. That's not him. That's.

[Jim Florentine]

Oh, my God. First draft.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, she wrote it for me so I would understand it. You understand? So this is. This is Bobby slang. She probably could have wrote it, right? But it's for me. I read. I didn't even. I read none of this, by the way. I read this, and it was fine. Balls. All balls. All right, go ahead. All right, start from the topic again.

[Paco]

Milk.

[Jim Florentine]

You.

[Paco]

I think you're so sexy. I want you to come in my mouth.

[Robert Kelly]

I do.

[Paco]

Light your cigar for you. Rub your shoulders. I want to put all your balls in.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, stop. I want to put your balls. Wait. Oh, I showed your name. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead.

[Jim Florentine]

Go ahead.

[Robert Kelly]

You're killing Paco. Go.

[Paco]

I want to put your balls in my mouth. I know how to do it gently. It will make you twitch to ecstasy. You and Don should get head from me. Make her relax.

[Robert Kelly]

That's where I'm out. That's where I'm out. Why does she get a relax? Why do I. Why? I mean, right then I was like. I just. Dawn's face popped in. Just judgmental. Like, she can smell, but she doesn't know where it is.

[Jim Florentine]

Right.

[Robert Kelly]

While I'm getting all my balls put in her mouth.

[Jim Florentine]

And you know what?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jim Florentine]

That girl's in LA at the Netflix

[Robert Kelly]

set, putting all of Jay's balls in her mouth.

[Jim Florentine]

Even she got a spot.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God, I was so excited to get that. And now is.

[Jim Florentine]

Do you think Jay's gonna see little Kev out there?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, of course he is.

[Christine]

You can see the picture.

[Jim Florentine]

Do you think it's gonna be little pervert?

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob wants to see the picture.

[Jim Florentine]

All right, let's see. Good point. He's right.

[Christine]

Just proof of life.

[Jim Florentine]

You're right.

[Robert Kelly]

Hang on.

[Jim Florentine]

I'm changing the subject. You're right.

[Robert Kelly]

No, you can change it. Here you go. I'm trying to find it. Here we go. Nope, that's not it.

[Paco]

Whoa.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, maybe they took it down.

[Paco]

Oh, oh.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no. Here it is. I got it. You ready?

[Jim Florentine]

Yep.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't want to get on camera.

[Jim Florentine]

Bam.

[Christine]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Kelly]

What? What? Oh, my God. What is that? Oh, my God. Bad or good?

[Christine]

Nice.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Christine]

Big.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I told you they were big. You're judging them. I told you not.

[Christine]

No, I said they're nice.

[Robert Kelly]

They're not for you, though, huh? He's excited about them.

[Jim Florentine]

Let us see them.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna relax. Whoa, man.

[Jim Florentine]

Nice.

[Robert Kelly]

Are they on camera? Sorry.

[Christine]

I think those qualify as all your boobs.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God. But let me tell you something. She does the same thing with her boobs that I do with my stomach. When I'm showing my penis, I pull up the fat. Her boobs are so big. You have to pull them up a little bit. Yes, I do. I do. I'm so. Thank you very much. I finally. Out of two and a half years of doing this show, I got some good ones. I got some good ones. Had no time to use them, by the way.

[Jim Florentine]

Good one.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that was a good one. Do you get boob picks?

[Jim Florentine]

Me? I mean, I'm a gigs.

[Robert Kelly]

You get mastectomy pics. I was so happy to. And then this happened. This. This me up. I was. I'm sitting at. I got this the night before. I was very excited, and she actually. I really put it in at the end. I go, hey, you had me till you said her name. My wife's name. So she redid it, I think. Did she redo the all too? And then she redid. Oh, that would suck if she redid.

[Jim Florentine]

Oh, no. Paco.

[Robert Kelly]

Paco, get over here. Paco. I think she redid the all maybe.

[Jim Florentine]

Well, you know, she was like, you didn't tell her, like, hey, also, while you're at it, could you.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, here it is right here. Okay.

[Jim Florentine]

Spot editing.

[Robert Kelly]

There you go. There you go, Paco. I wrote. I wrote. Well, well, well. You had me till dawn. That's what I wrote. All right, good. All right.

[Jim Florentine]

And then she puts three emojis, so it's like.

[Robert Kelly]

That was great. Good work. Good Foley work.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah.

[Paco]

Dang it. I just want to. To let you know that you do have female fans that find you very sexy, especially with the beard.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I'm keeping it.

[Paco]

I. I would wash you slowly.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I love being washed. I love being washed. You know, from your rev and tug days.

[Jim Florentine]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Kelly]

Have you ever been washed?

[Jim Florentine]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

You've never been washed?

[Jim Florentine]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, you don't know what it is to be a man. Oh, being washed is one of my favorite things. Oh, my God. Go ahead.

[Paco]

I would wash you down slowly, rub you down, and milk you.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you know what milk is?

[Jim Florentine]

She wants to hose you down.

[Robert Kelly]

I know. I'm not a elephant. You're a piece of. No, it's not using a hose. I'm not in the backyard.

[Christine]

Where does she wash you, though?

[Robert Kelly]

What is she all over? Dude. But where? In my tub? Well, on a. Probably a table or in the tub. Yeah, probably in the tub. Don't get too crazy. Don't. Don't break this down too much. What? Well, rewrite's good.

[Jim Florentine]

Let's see what else she says.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, go ahead. Please rub you down. Do you know what milking is?

[Jim Florentine]

Jerking your hand job in Asia.

[Robert Kelly]

It is tit. No. What? No, that's not what I've been watching

[Jim Florentine]

lately in South America.

[Robert Kelly]

Have you been watching Asian tit? Yeah. Why? I don't know. It just comes on my algorithm. Yeah, yeah, but it got there somehow because I sought it out.

[Jim Florentine]

Nothing with Asian tit.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but they say I want to milk you many times over.

[Jim Florentine]

See?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, no, meaning the milk of the tits. Milking is when you're on all fours and they reach from behind and pull it almost. This is gonna make me look bad again. Like I'm a cow. Like you milk a cow.

[Jim Florentine]

Right?

[Robert Kelly]

Like that comes from when I was. My fat days. When I got into that milking a

[Christine]

prostate, I thought it was this.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's not the milking table. Well, that's.

[Jim Florentine]

Oh, I like that.

[Robert Kelly]

That's. That's a massage table with a hole where your penis is. And there's a woman underneath milking you.

[Jim Florentine]

And the guy had to get up. He actually had to climb up a ladder to get up there.

[Robert Kelly]

Well,

[Jim Florentine]

Well, it's a loft. It's a. A massage loft.

[Robert Kelly]

That's the official milking table. I. When you don't have enough money for a milking table or you have a family where you can't go, hey, Don, I have an Amazon package coming today. Don't open it. And then I have to. I have a milking table in the garage next to my sauna. You have to get on all fours.

[Jim Florentine]

That's hilarious.

[Robert Kelly]

And do it my way. Mine's the poor people way. When you get on all fours and they. They milk you from behind. Paco read. I feel like one of those. Those guys in Times Square. Ready?

[Jim Florentine]

The black Israelites.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Paco Reed.

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Doug]

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[Christine]

Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?

[Doug]

Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league.

[Doug]

Anyways, get a'@libertymutual.com or with your local agent.

[Christine]

Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.

[Robert Kelly]

Liberty.

[Paco]

I would wash you slowly, rub you down and milk you.

[Robert Kelly]

Stop right there. Milking is when you get on all fours if you don't have money to get a milking table. And they milk you like a cow until you come. Now read.

[Paco]

I would wash you down slowly.

[Robert Kelly]

Stop right there. I like to be washed. Men should be washed. Read.

[Paco]

I would wash you down slowly.

[Robert Kelly]

Paco's so good.

[Paco]

Rub you down and milk you. Yeah, and take it all in my mouth and relax.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, it's not gonna be hard to take it all in her mouth. Go ahead.

[Paco]

So whenever you feel down. No, you always have had a sex appeal, baby.

[Jim Florentine]

But wait a minute.

[Robert Kelly]

He added the kiss. That's not in there.

[Jim Florentine]

Oh, but why did she say, I'll take it all in my mouth and relax?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm sure she has a family around her, and she's trying to get this in to make me feel good. Yeah, she's not. She's not putting too much into it.

[Jim Florentine]

Well, it's a little strange to say relax. You could have said nothing right there.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, well, I. We can. We can re edit it and.

[Jim Florentine]

Why did you have to. Why did you have to rub your

[Robert Kelly]

shoulders such a Goddamn. You know.

[Jim Florentine]

Why did you have to rub your shoulders such.

[Robert Kelly]

Right here. You're such a. You're looking at it like it's a script. It's. It's just a sexy thing. All the things that I like being

[Jim Florentine]

washed, but it's so. But the. You know, the sad part is that she knows you think it's like a real classy gentleman's thing. I'm gonna light your cigar. You're like, oh, I did. I'm in the upper echelon.

[Robert Kelly]

Hearing him read it, too, it made me. It made me. It made me a little sad, too. She goes, so next time you're sad. All right, whatever. I'm not sad. I just wanted a tip pick and some sexy talk. I'm pretty happy with my life. You don't get that stuff at all. No, Damn. Nothing.

[Jim Florentine]

I mean, I got all that stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't even check your emails.

[Jim Florentine]

No, I don't, but. But I used to get it back along, you know, before email.

[Robert Kelly]

You got it.

[Jim Florentine]

We used to had pictures when I was on MTV and stuff. You know, girls were just.

[Robert Kelly]

You got letters. I got letters with wax on it, with a stamp.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You want to open up like the Constitution. Hear ye, hear ye. I will milk thee and suck all the balls.

[Jim Florentine]

What's actually send Polaroids.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, Polaroids. Remember Polaroids? Oh, my God, did I love a Polaroid.

[Jim Florentine]

It's great.

[Robert Kelly]

It's the best.

[Jim Florentine]

Because they can't. They don't want it to be. There's no trace. It's just. Take a Polaroid and that's. It was done.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, the Polaroids were the best because those are the ones you hid. Yeah, I told you. One of the biggest fights me and Don ever got into is we were sitting down, eating dinner when I lived on 47th Street. And I don't know, there was something. We got in a. Some stupid fight. Me, all me.

[Jim Florentine]

Maybe the fight was over the fact that he didn't say we lived on 47th Street.

[Robert Kelly]

It was a point when she was paying half the bills. You're right. Touche. When we lived on 47th street and we got into a big fight. I don't know about me. I don't know. Something. Some stupid. Some dumb argument that I. It was all me, 100% me. And I flipped the plate. I used to be a plate flipper, right? And that was my, you know, fucking De Niro.

[Jim Florentine]

What the.

[Robert Kelly]

You ruined your birthday steak. And I did that. And dawn does not get mad. She does not flip out at all. But when she does, it's devastating because she holds. She holds ammunition. So things that happen, she'll take it and hold it and store it.

[Jim Florentine]

Of course, that's what women do. Of course. They all do with that.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's. It's. It's. You do that too. Do you have stuff. You always do. You have stuff you can, like, bring up in a.

[Jim Florentine]

No, Only women do.

[Robert Kelly]

Guys don't. We get it out right then and there. Yeah. We flip something there and it all comes out. Women hold tickets.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

They hold ammunition. And they calmly take it and take it and take it, just holding it in, taking notes. And apparently I said something to her. Oh, you know what it was about? I thought. I thought she was cheating on me with somebody. I thought she was cheating on me with somebody. And I lightly asked her about it. I thought she was. This is so up. I thought it was. She was cheating on me with the old. The old superintendent of our building, the Spanish dude. And I, I. They were friendly. What are you laughing at? You're projecting.

[Jim Florentine]

Like the super.

[Robert Kelly]

That laugh really stings. Once in a while she lays it in, right? It can be fun, and then it can really hurt. I never. I never knew that laugh was a weapon. No, So I. I just brought it up like, hey, so. So what do you. You, You. You like this guy? And she got so mad at me.

[Paco]

She.

[Robert Kelly]

And I was. We started fighting. I flipped the. I go, the meatloaf or some like that. She goes, oh, yeah. And right when she said, oh, yeah, I knew she was going to. She went to get something. I'm like, oh, fuck me. She found something.

[Christine]

Oh.

[Robert Kelly]

And she went into my Alcoholics Anonymous big book where I stored my Polaroids from over the years of, you know, my little. You know, not now, but back then. You know what I mean? Like, old. You really don't want to throw those out, because God forbid somebody finds them and they're out in the public somewhere. So you got to kind of hold on to. I'm doing a service that's absolutely. Thank you.

[Jim Florentine]

You like the Smithsonian?

[Robert Kelly]

Exactly, exactly. I'm the Smithsonian for tits and ass. So that. So you know what I mean? I don't want. You can't just throw that out. It could get fined up in the wrong hands.

[Jim Florentine]

That's true.

[Robert Kelly]

So I. I held on to it. I put it in my big book, and she went right over to my big book. As soon as she grabbed it, I was like, oh, boy, she's not going to read me a passage about acceptance or letting go. She grabbed it. She goes, what are these? And she threw them on the table. And the first thought was like, fuck, now I'm gonna have to throw these out. I was like, God damn it. I really like these ones. These are from a long time ago. And I really use these every once in a while to hook up with old Wendy. Old Wendy from Boston. And I was like, those are from a long time ago. And she's like, and. And I. And I. I took them and I threw them in the trash. I don't give a. About these. Oh, did I give a fuck about those. And I remember she's so spiteful. She went over and tied the garbage up and. And took it down to the fucking trash. She knew exactly what she was doing. Oh, the Polaroids were the shit.

[Jim Florentine]

Now if she had had to leave and go out that day to go to work, would you have gone in that garbage and ripped it open like

[Robert Kelly]

there was a golden ticket from Willy Wonka in that trash? When I went through that, like a rat. God, do I miss those photos. Oh, there was such good ones. They weren't. They weren't too. They weren't too graphic.

[Jim Florentine]

No, they were just. Brought back memories.

[Robert Kelly]

They were for me too. Like, she took them for me years before I even knew. Well, you know, we knew each other, but not. Shut up, Christine. I gotta get this fucking timing. Right before your rebirth, I did have

[Christine]

a.

[Robert Kelly]

I had a. Oh, off.

[Jim Florentine]

Shut up.

[Robert Kelly]

I. I had.

[Jim Florentine]

Just shut up and move on.

[Robert Kelly]

I bet you have those Polaroids. You did go through the trash. I did. I couldn't find them. Some has them now. Yeah, I missed that. Now it's. I remember I got. That's one of the things I got caught with, was when the phones got photos and video. I was the first one to have videos and phone on the. I had the first video phone, the flip phone. It had video on it. And I remember I had video on my phone of some stuff. And I remember I. Oh, God, it was so bad. You remember this? You're the one who saved my life. You saved my. I have a marriage and a son now because of you. Because you're the only friend I have that's not a piece of shit. This doesn't even. You don't even remember it in the cab? What?

[Jim Florentine]

Talking in the cab?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Paco]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

What, you don't remember this fucking moment? This is like one of the biggest moments of my life.

[Jim Florentine]

Which one? Tell me. Get. Give me more detail. You're in the middle of reminiscing when

[Robert Kelly]

I got caught cheating.

[Jim Florentine]

Okay, we had a conversation.

[Robert Kelly]

Apparently it didn't affect you as much as it affected me.

[Jim Florentine]

Well, was it just a conversation?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I got caught with. I left my phone at the Cellar and Dawn had called, was calling me, and I wasn't picking up, so she called the seller. Heather, the waitress picked up and she. Don was like, who's this? She picked up my phone. My phone was ringing behind the bar, right? Heather picked it up. Oh, God. Dumb move. She picked it up and goes, oh, he's not here. He left a while ago. Fucking asshole. Oh, Don goes, I'll be right there. Oh, she went, fuck you. She went down and got the phone and. And there was some stuff on there. Some stuff. Not recent stuff, but stuff. And then I came home late, which I did, and the door was locked. And then I heard the elevator go Ding. And it was Dawn. Had my phone, my iPad, my computer, my. Had all of my gadgets with stuff on it. And she was crying.

[Christine]

Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

She was crying. She's like, you're. I'll never forget it. Because she found all my stuff. Even the one that was in taxes 2006 file, which, which is so stupid for me to do. I've never done the test. You know what I mean? I should have put it in Call of Duty file, right? Or something stupid. I put it in a math folder.

[Jim Florentine]

Because you're thinking the way you would think if you saw a taxes thing. Like, I'm looking at that thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, exactly. Exactly. I put it in something I wouldn't look at.

[Jim Florentine]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Not something she wouldn't look at. You know what I mean? I should have put it in push ups. Workout regimens.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I'll never forget what she said. She was crying and I was like. When I saw her with all my stuff. And she goes, you're a serial killer. You're like a serial killer. And I was like. And then we went in and we talked and we cried and blah, blah, blah. And she was like, you know, you have to get help. If you don't get help, I got. I'm leaving. And then I called every one of my friends and I said to her, I go, I, I. She goes, what do you want to do? I go, I don't know yet. I have to really. If I'm going to do this, I have to make the decision. And she went, all right. I go, give me two days. And I called Patrice. He said, you're a piece of. Let her go. I called Dane, dude, let her go. You're a hunk of garbage, Norton. Let her go, Voss. Doug. Let her get somebody. She deserves every single friend except for you. You said, try to get help. Try to work it out. Give yourself eight months. If in eight months you're still a piece of. And you can't do it, let her go. But if you don't, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. And I did. And I got. I went to therapy. That was the first time I went to therapy.

[Jim Florentine]

That was the first time you went to therapy.

[Robert Kelly]

I went to therapy right then for that.

[Jim Florentine]

Was that Alan?

[Robert Kelly]

That was not Alan. I went to the ball guy with two lion dogs. That used to scare the out of me. And every. Every therapy session, he had two dogs like lions next to him. And they do this.

[Jim Florentine]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

And you go, it's okay there. It's okay. And I'd Be like, it's not okay. I'm terrified. I'm fucking terrified to be like, it's okay. I'm like, I don't. Whatever this is, I don't. Like, wow. And then I wound up leaving him those. He had two of those. What are those called? Chow Chows. They have blue tongues. It's the most frightening fucking dog. And then the growl and their tongue comes out and it's like, blue.

[Jim Florentine]

That's iconic.

[Robert Kelly]

Two of them. Fucking not one. 2. In every therapy session, I would go, and he had a bow tie, too. He had a bow tie ball. He was a complete douchebag. And he was 250 a session. And I had that. That's when I left him. And I got Alan. I got Alan. And then, you know, my first time I was in with Alan, he go. You know, I sat down and I go, listen, you're not making me into a fucking gay boy. He goes, you're already gay. You're here. Real men don't go to therapy. I was like, this is the guy for me. This guy knows exactly who I am.

[Jim Florentine]

Did I tell you about my friend that had.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't remember saying that to me?

[Jim Florentine]

I remember, yes. I thought you were sure about some big incident. I remember talking to you about this stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

Of course, that was a huge incident,

[Jim Florentine]

but I'm saying it was a conversation. You were acting like it was some other, like, thing.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, you gave me some of the greatest advice I've ever had in my life.

[Jim Florentine]

I'm glad. What about my friend?

[Robert Kelly]

What about my friend? It sucks to me that when you live through something, your version is always different than the other person's version.

[Christine]

Like, mean as much to him.

[Robert Kelly]

We saved us one of his closest friends. I mean, we have Max because of him.

[Christine]

Not from a drowning, not from a car in a river. He just gave you a talk.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. When all my other friends.

[Jim Florentine]

Wait a minute. I'm saying, instead of saying a car drowning, why don't you say, not from a vacation?

[Robert Kelly]

Because I'm a hero.

[Jim Florentine]

But let me tell you about my friend who was 8, who went to a therapist, who reminds me of the guy with the caught dogs. My friend went to this guy who's actually I heard more about lately, but he was a retired cop and it was, you know, a reformed, like, wild, crazy cop. But he sat there and my friend sat. And every time the guy crosses legs, his ankle holster with his gun would show.

[Robert Kelly]

That's worse than dogs. I might have to quit therapy, man. It's getting too Expensive?

[Jim Florentine]

What do you mean?

[Robert Kelly]

My insurance, it's. It's too much. I might have to go to Better Help. What's our. What's our code? Bonfire. I might have to go to Better Help for some therapy. It's too expensive. I can't afford it. It's like 300 bucks a session now.

[Jim Florentine]

Is this commercial?

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's not a commercial.

[Jim Florentine]

Well, I just feel like kind of, you know, it came out of nowhere.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I'm gonna talk about therapy, and I might have to quit. You go to therapy?

[Jim Florentine]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't go to therapy? I'm sorry for saying it like that. I said a little shocking.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't go to therapy at all?

[Jim Florentine]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Why? You don't believe in it? What?

[Jim Florentine]

How many conversations we have. You know, I went to therapy for a long, long time.

[Robert Kelly]

So you quit? Why?

[Jim Florentine]

You acted? No, I told you. My. My guy retired.

[Robert Kelly]

That's old.

[Jim Florentine]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

That's. That's crazy.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah, that. You guys, he was an old guy.

[Robert Kelly]

Was he old? Well, Alan's older, too. He's gonna retire.

[Jim Florentine]

He's never gonna retire.

[Robert Kelly]

There's gonna be a. There's gonna be a bunch of unhealthy comedians in New York in a few years. And he takes. He takes August off, which bugs me. Takes the whole.

[Jim Florentine]

They all take August.

[Robert Kelly]

What is that?

[Jim Florentine]

That's just their thing. I don't know. Why.

[Robert Kelly]

Is it a therapist thing or is it.

[Jim Florentine]

Didn't ever see that movie. What About Bob with Richard Dreyfus and. And Bill Murray?

[Robert Kelly]

One of my favorite movies of all time.

[Jim Florentine]

There was August. Remember? He took August off, and Bill Murray goes and stalks him.

[Robert Kelly]

You know where he went to, right? Lake Winnipesaukee.

[Jim Florentine]

Was that.

[Robert Kelly]

That's where I live. That's where my house is Up. That's where they shot that lake region. Yeah, Lake Winnipesaukee.

[Jim Florentine]

And then Richard Dreyfus, years later, said he hated Bill Murray.

[Robert Kelly]

Hated his guts.

[Jim Florentine]

He said he was an Irish drunken bully.

[Robert Kelly]

He was an Irish. And they hated each other. And all the hate in the movie is real hate. The director loved it because they really. He really hated Bill Murray. A lot of people hate Bill Murray, too, by the way.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he sounds like a piece of shit. So I never want to meet him because I love him so much. What are you gonna say, Jay?

[Jim Florentine]

So funny.

[Christine]

Well, I'm saying I know you. It's important to work on yourself, but you're. Is there not an end date to therapy?

[Jim Florentine]

Like.

[Christine]

You guys are talking like, you. You only stop because your guy Retired.

[Jim Florentine]

I was talking my. I didn't stop. He stopped, right?

[Christine]

You would have continued.

[Jim Florentine]

I gave me one day. He's like, I'll catch you later.

[Christine]

I'm like, so you're cured. You basically just gotta say, I guess I've had enough.

[Jim Florentine]

You'll be all right.

[Robert Kelly]

My therapist called me a lifer.

[Christine]

Do you. Doesn't that mean you're.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. He just says, I'm a lifer. Like, I'll always be.

[Christine]

Doesn't seem good.

[Robert Kelly]

I guess it doesn't seem good when you look at it like that, but.

[Jim Florentine]

Well, it's. Yeah. There's different arguments about therapy. Some people say what you're saying, which is like, there should be an end date. They should come to the end of the problems. And some people say, well, you know, obviously, if we're. If we're in there, we're not. You're not going to get cured. You're just going to. You know, as it goes along, you just keep. I mean, do you really get cured of anything? If you think about it, you can

[Robert Kelly]

get cured of aids. Aids. Get cured of aids, cancer, hopefully.

[Christine]

But, I mean, I hear about, like, Howard Stern. He has, like, a lifelong therapist, but he's been in for, like, 30 years or something like that.

[Robert Kelly]

He does meditation, too. He does. What's it called?

[Jim Florentine]

Tm.

[Robert Kelly]

He does TM meditation. And so do you.

[Jim Florentine]

Oh, no, I don't do it anymore.

[Robert Kelly]

You. You do it. And when you do tm, I don't know if you know this, but you get a word. It's called a mantra. A mantra. You get a mantra. And I wanted to do tm, Jacob. It's a funny story. I wanted to do tm, but I didn't have enough money to pay for the TM and get your mantra. So I just called my friend Colin Quinn, who did. Was doing tm, had a mantra, and I said, hey, can I just have your mantra? And he said, no.

[Jim Florentine]

I said, of course not. That's not how it works.

[Robert Kelly]

Why can't I have your mantra?

[Jim Florentine]

Because TM is not. You don't pass them. First of all, they would only get paid wipe. One person and everybody else uses the same mantra. Second of all, you have to sit there for three days. You have to bring the guy in orange and an apple.

[Robert Kelly]

Why?

[Jim Florentine]

They don't tell you why. But if you don't show up with it, they send you home. How do I know that? Because one of my nephews went, he's like, I'm gonna bring an orange apple. Guy goes, go home.

[Robert Kelly]

Come back tomorrow with an orange and an apple.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

So you went in, got your. Gave your orange and apple three days.

[Jim Florentine]

I only do it one day. I think the orange and apple, if I remember correctly. And then they give you a mantra. But you can't be passing out to people that haven't paid.

[Robert Kelly]

Why? But I'm your friend.

[Jim Florentine]

It's not the way it works.

[Robert Kelly]

You're not.

[Jim Florentine]

I'm not sneaking you into the goddamn club that I'm bartending at. This is about serious tm.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but you don't even do it anymore.

[Jim Florentine]

No, I stopped.

[Christine]

What is a.

[Jim Florentine]

Well, let me just tell you the. What is a mantra. Don't try to trick me into giving it to you.

[Christine]

Is it just a real. Like a phrase?

[Ad/Promo Voice]

It's like a.

[Jim Florentine]

Well, it's like a word. Like what?

[Robert Kelly]

Giving us an example. Give us an example.

[Jim Florentine]

Acorn. Only it's not a word in English. It's a. It's a word in like. Like what, Sanskrit or something.

[Robert Kelly]

So what would it be?

[Jim Florentine]

I'm not going to fall for this. Let me just tell you the. The funniest of all therapy things was Rich Jenny Rip, who had a routine where he goes, people say I need therapy. Obviously, because people say, I need therapy. He killed himself. He was very funny to me, but he goes, people say I need therapy. He goes, my only problem with therapy is Woody Allen, who I assume went to the top therapists in the world for his whole. For 40 years. The most prestigious therapist every week for 40 years, and he goes, and the best he came up with is my Asian stepdaughter. Starting to look pretty good.

[Robert Kelly]

I think I'm gonna quit therapy.

[Jim Florentine]

What's that?

[Robert Kelly]

I think I'm gonna quit therapy.

[Jim Florentine]

Why? Because of today?

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe today. I think I'm done. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go TM and get my own mantra because you won't give me yours.

[Jim Florentine]

But I stopped doing tm. I think there.

[Robert Kelly]

So give me your mantra.

[Jim Florentine]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

You're not going to use it?

[Jim Florentine]

No. You still can't. I just can't do it.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that. Is that actually a rule or is that you just being you?

[Jim Florentine]

No, it's a rule. There's a rule.

[Robert Kelly]

You can never give your mantra.

[Jim Florentine]

If you give out the mantra, it disintegrates.

[Robert Kelly]

Into what?

[Jim Florentine]

Into the atmosphere. Into the.

[Christine]

But, Colin, do you just keep repeating, like, acorn, acorn. What are you supposed to do?

[Jim Florentine]

No, here's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to let your thoughts. I can't believe I'm giving a free. A free seminar. But you know what? Maybe somebody out there will use it.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe some may be helping people right now.

[Jim Florentine]

So you're supposed to. What you're supposed to do is supposed to. You're not supposed to be like, I have to make my mind blank. That's what the suckers do. TM is not for suckers. Tm. If you're thinking about something that's aggravating you, you're like, I keep. I'm not gonna control my thoughts, but I'm going to breathe and keep going back to my breath. And how am I going to keep focusing on my breath? With my mantra.

[Robert Kelly]

So you. So you say acorn, right? Whatever yours. Did you know what yours was in English?

[Jim Florentine]

No, I don't think it is in English.

[Robert Kelly]

So you're the question. So you don't know what it is in English. You just know the word in whatever it is?

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah, I never bothered to research what it meant. I probably should have.

[Robert Kelly]

So it's just a word. Is it one word? Is it like, how many mines is one word? How many syllables?

[Jim Florentine]

That's classified.

[Robert Kelly]

Come on, dude, just give me a syllable. Is it one syllable that's classified? Come on, dude, just give me a mantra.

[Jim Florentine]

It's a few. It's a few syllables.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a few syllables. So it's like laka wakataka.

[Jim Florentine]

Well, you know, if you're gonna mock the famous. The ancient Sanskrit language, you're not a fitting candidate for tm. I'm glad you're not part of our community.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you're not even part of it anymore.

[Jim Florentine]

I am part of it.

[Robert Kelly]

Here's. You're not part of it.

[Jim Florentine]

I am part.

[Robert Kelly]

You can go back whenever you want.

[Jim Florentine]

I don't know.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think he can't. You know none of the rules about fucking tm.

[Jim Florentine]

No, go back.

[Christine]

Can't. Don't you just do it on your own?

[Jim Florentine]

You do do it on your own, but he. He's right in the sense that if I went to a tm, they have conferences. If I showed up and I haven't done it in five years. And the sad part was I was doing. It's a pain in the ass to do. You have to do 20 minutes twice a day. I mean, it's a real. It's a Y.

[Robert Kelly]

That's like. It's like especially coming from Catholic. Once a week. Yeah, 45 minutes, get some bread, say, I'm Sorry. And you're out. Yeah. Catholics got it made. We really. We really stream around.

[Jim Florentine]

I know. Why do we stray?

[Robert Kelly]

Why do we stray from what?

[Jim Florentine]

Catholicism?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think we strayed. We just stopped. We stopped bringing our kids to church.

[Jim Florentine]

We. That's called straying.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, we didn't.

[Jim Florentine]

What's your definition of straight? Yeah. The generation before us that strayed.

[Robert Kelly]

It was the one that strayed. Yeah. And Catholic was so easy.

[Jim Florentine]

To be Catholic was much easier. But they said they lost it when they changed. When they got rid of the Latin Mass. Even though you think the Latin Mass would actually make it less interesting. It made it more interesting.

[Robert Kelly]

I have another theory, too. I think that is one of the things. And then when they're making our kids suck their dicks. That was another.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah, but that was. That always went on. I mean, that was a constant.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but we found out about it. It's almost like, you know, I feel like people. It's almost like gays in the military for a while. You know, don't ask, don't tell.

[Jim Florentine]

But most. And I always. I always defend the priests because I feel like they weren't. Yes, there's charmless in every organization, like Boy Scouts, like pre. You know, there's always. They always move in that direction. But most of those priests are just gay guys. When they were growing up, yeah. People couldn't say, my son's gay and like, my son's gonna be a priest. And then suddenly they'd be like, I guess I'm gonna be a priest. So now you're 14. They send you to, you know, to cathedral or one of these seminaries. And you're 14. Semenary. And you're 14, and you started to feel sexuality. And you associated with the church of Catholicism. And you're around these other guys that are also going through the same thing. Things are going to happen. It jumps off then, but is, wait, I'll finish it, I'll. The final thing is then you go back into your parish and suddenly you see a bunch of other 15, 14 year old boys standing there. The age you are when you were told, priest, God, church, sexuality, all combined in your head. So you'll feel like you connect with them in a way you. You shouldn't connect with them.

[Robert Kelly]

You really thought this through?

[Jim Florentine]

I really did.

[Robert Kelly]

Holy. It was uncomfortable.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah, it was.

[Robert Kelly]

That almost sounds like you thought that through, like why you're gay. What the. Dude, that was. That was really personal.

[Jim Florentine]

I feel like I really summed it up.

[Robert Kelly]

Christine always leaves when we talk about Religion and God. She's gonna get out of here. Well, why. But why don't they let priests just have sex?

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah, I know.

[Robert Kelly]

Just if you look.

[Jim Florentine]

Because when it started, they were banging all the. They would go around like, you know, to Thessalonia and Galatia and bang all the women. So they're putting a bad word in.

[Robert Kelly]

That's why I love Colin. He just said. We all just nod our head like we knew what the. He's talking about.

[Jim Florentine]

Well, like, you know, Corinthian Paul's living. They travel to these places.

[Robert Kelly]

It's just a guy from Brooklyn with your accent in your face saying these words and actually knowing what they is shocking to everybody listening. And in the room, it's like the

[Jim Florentine]

old and so the. But anyway, so they. Apparently they were going out and just, you know, women would be getting filled with the spirit of like, oh, my God, Jesus.

[Robert Kelly]

The word of God, like, the spirit. All right.

[Jim Florentine]

And then those guys would take advantage of it and start banging them. Of course, you know.

[Robert Kelly]

Know. Yeah, but they were banging women at least, right? Right.

[Jim Florentine]

Whoa.

[Robert Kelly]

What? Well, at least having.

[Jim Florentine]

Whoa.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Paco]

So.

[Robert Kelly]

So your theory is that kids were gay and instead of having a gay kid, make him a priest.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And then when he becomes a priest, he's around kids that were gay when he was gay and he finds them. He's relating to them as they were.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah. Because they. They wouldn't just. They wouldn't just let them be gay in those days. They'd be like. I mean, people still get weirded out, but I mean. But in those days, I would just. It wasn't even a thought in people's heads, you know?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I just think they should let priests get married. Get married and have. You know what I mean? That way if. Now, especially when your kid's gay, they can just be gay now. You don't have to make them a priest.

[Jim Florentine]

Well, I always felt. I always said that the church itself would not be the beautiful. When you walk into church, a straight guy could not have done the interior design on the church. That was gay guys. It was gay exterior. The gargoyles is a straight guy. The stone work.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. But it frames inside. Yes. The framing, the velvets, the candle.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Candles are all gay guys.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah. The beautiful dark reds and the. Just everything about us.

[Robert Kelly]

It's fun. It's so funny because when, like, I've known. I told you. I know three priests that were gay. Yeah, but they never say they're gay.

[Jim Florentine]

No, they never.

[Robert Kelly]

They can't when I was in rehab, the overnight priest that was there, big chubby fat guy, he used to have his priest outfit on. He used to pull it up, like, over his belly button.

[Jim Florentine]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I think what we call that last week, the. The hemisphere. He used to take it over the hemisphere of your fatness. Right. Used to make the equator and. But 100% he's gay. The first night there, he's like, hello, Robert. You know, I mean, you can't have that voice.

[Jim Florentine]

I know. It's. It's. It's really tragic.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't kill the Catholic church, which

[Jim Florentine]

could have been a good, great organization.

[Robert Kelly]

Right. And then my priest, who I did my fourth step with, at the end of my fourth step, he kissed me on the neck. But he kissed me like, on the neck. A soft kiss. And then pulled, like, left it and pulled it there and ruined the whole day for me because I was like, God, Jesus. I was just molested. I was just molested. At 19. I would have been into this when I was 13 or 12.

[Jim Florentine]

Right.

[Robert Kelly]

Could have saved me from drugs and alcohol. I could have just became that guy. And I could have became an artist and went to the theater much earlier. Oh, yes. We got to take a break. The great Colin Quinn is here. Don't forget, Jay is out and he's at the Netflix's jokes festival with all the other comedians in the world. But we're not. Jay's out there this week. He's in Los Angeles doing story wars this week. He'll be back headline in Austin Memorial Day weekend for tickets and all tour dates go to bigjcomedy.com and we got the great Colin Quinn in here. Colin, what do you promote? We got. Colin wrote a new immersive. Wow, what a word. Immersive Showcase building. And it's called building. What? What is it?

[Jim Florentine]

We'll get into it when we get back.

[Robert Kelly]

All right? We'll get into it. Well, he's going to be producing the pioneer works in Red hook this summer, July 8th through the 11th with Vinnie Piazzi, Jesus mob funded. And Catherine Narducci. Oh, that sounds, like, weird. I know where you get. You didn't get the money for office Seinfeld this time, did you? You had to go back to your old neighborhood. Skank fest. Tickets are available right now, so make sure you go there skankfest.com and make sure you check at the end with Ari Shafir. Go to punchup live for all my dates. I'm gonna be doing a special thing in Boston this week. And after that I'm in Cleveland. We'll be right back. It's the bonfire.

[Doug]

And, Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[Christine]

Hey, everyone. Check out this guy and his bird. What is this, your first date?

[Doug]

Oh, no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, the bird looks out of your league. Anyways.

[Doug]

Get a [e-mail] or with your local agent.

[Robert Kelly]

Liberty.

[Christine]

Liberty. Liberty.

[Robert Kelly]

Liberty.

[Doug]

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