Monopoly Cousins

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Monopoly Cousins"
The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly
Released: May 13, 2025

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Introduction

In the episode titled "Monopoly Cousins" of The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly dive into a blend of humorous storytelling and off-the-cuff banter that characterizes their live daily show on SiriusXM’s Faction Talk channel. The episode intertwines fictional narratives with real-life anecdotes, creating a vibrant tapestry of comedy, friendship, and the unpredictability of their interactions.

The Evelyn Saga: A Mock Investigation

The episode kicks off with a playful and exaggerated storyline surrounding a character named Evelyn. Jay introduces the concept of Evelyn being poisoned by her neighbors through bizarre means, such as light beams—a narrative that sets the tone for the episode's blend of absurdity and humor.

• Jay Oakerson [02:19]: "She's being poisoned. She's being poisoned by light beams. Poor Evelyn is still being attacked by light beams."

Christine and Robert join Jay in dissecting this fictional predicament, humorously debating the plausibility and logistics of such an unusual assassination method. Their lively discussion includes mock speculation about government involvement and Evelyn's supposed struggles with mental health, all delivered with their trademark blunt humor.

• Christine [04:20]: "The case was solved, and it's better up in Canada for our girl Evelyn."

Guest Segment: The "Monopoly Cousins" Story

The heart of the episode revolves around Jay recounting an elaborate and comedic story about facilitating the attendance of Glenn's girlfriend's cousins to their show in Denver. This segment showcases the hosts' improvisational skills and their ability to weave intricate narratives on the fly.

Jay narrates how he agrees to bring Glenn’s girlfriend's cousins to the show, envisioning a straightforward meet-and-greet that spirals into chaos. The cousins, described as heavily intoxicated, create a series of misunderstandings and bizarre interactions in the green room, leading to a night filled with comedic tension.

• Jay Oakerson [18:08]: "Of course, Glenn can get them tickets. Glenn, can we put Glenn through?"

• Christine [21:35]: "This is a rough fight. Let's get some little hot dog wieners."

As the story unfolds, Jay illustrates the challenges of managing unruly guests, highlighting moments where the cousins become increasingly unpredictable. The situation peaks when Jay and the team find themselves trying to escort the intoxicated guests out, only for the cousins to playfully insist on staying longer than intended.

• Jay Oakerson [27:12]: "This is dangerous. People get murdered. This is the beginning of a horror movie."

Interactive Banter and Real-Time Reactions

Throughout the episode, the dynamic between Jay, Robert, and guest Glenn fosters an engaging and interactive environment. Glenn’s participation adds another layer of humor as he reacts to Jay’s wild storytelling. The trio exchanges witty remarks and playful jabs, enhancing the episode's entertaining atmosphere.

• Christine [33:06]: "Because you're going to be EMBARRASSING us both."

• Glenn [58:30]: "Is no."

Their back-and-forth dialogue not only amplifies the comedic elements but also underscores the camaraderie and chemistry that make The Bonfire a beloved daily show.

Conclusion: Lessons and Laughs

As the episode draws to a close, Jay reflects on the night's events with a mix of humor and faux-seriousness, emphasizing the importance of not overcomplicating situations but also embracing the unexpected twists that come with hosting live shows.

• Jay Oakerson [35:32]: "The moral of the story is, doesn't even even think Glenn didn't know either. And that is fucking hilarious."

Christine and Glenn echo Jay’s sentiments, wrapping up the story with laughter and good-natured teasing. The episode concludes with acknowledgments to their regular listeners and a playful farewell, leaving the audience entertained and eager for the next installment.

Key Takeaways

• Improvisational Comedy: The hosts excel in creating spontaneous and humorous narratives, keeping the audience engaged through their quick wit and dynamic interactions.

• Friendship and Chemistry: The genuine camaraderie between Jay, Robert, and their guests enhances the show's appeal, making each episode a unique and enjoyable experience.

• Engaging Storytelling: By blending fictional scenarios with real-life anecdotes, The Bonfire offers a rich and entertaining narrative that resonates with both regular listeners and newcomers.

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Notable Quotes:

• Jay Oakerson [05:01]: "Let's go stop them in 412. Right? With their pocket technology."

• Christine [11:09]: "Someone tell me why was that?"

• Glenn [27:45]: "I just found out now it's not her cousin."

• Christine [44:15]: "I'm gonna tell you right now, you got away with murder. Your murder."

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This summary encapsulates the essence of the "Monopoly Cousins" episode, highlighting the comedic storytelling and the vibrant interactions that define The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly. Whether you're a longtime listener or new to the show, this episode promises laughter, intriguing tales, and memorable moments.

Transcript

[Jay]

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[Glenn]

And now the bonfire with Big J.

[Christine]

Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

Jevin just feels so overwhelmed.

[Jay]

God damn, Lewis.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Bartovsky Whitzky.

[Christine]

Oh, my Lord.

[Jay]

That's why you're the best in the bisma, man.

[Christine]

That's right. She took a lot of my soul away, though. Hey, fun's over, guys. Girls here.

[Jay]

Oh, great. Everyone put your dicks away. We'll measure them tomorrow.

[Christine]

I guess we were all just laughing like, guys, now we gotta watch what.

[Jay]

We say because we were all saying cunt. We were talking about.

[Christine]

Ah, man. It was fun for a minute. And now the estrogen is in the room. Her and her cute sweater. You're welcome. It is cute. I can't help it. Hi, buddy.

[Jay]

You look good in your sweater. It's a very nice sweater.

[Evelyn]

What?

[Jay]

You look very nice.

[Jevin]

Thank you.

[Christine]

Why are you gonna get. He said, he said, he said. You look nice.

[Jay]

No, no. She needs it, everybody. She looks nice, right?

[Christine]

You look so nice.

[Jay]

Christine was crying today on the phone with Verizon, so she's falling to pieces.

[Jevin]

He's not crying. I was crying because I've spent probably in the neighborhood of like 10 to 15 hours trying to get our Internet to work properly. I thought I had this Nest system all set up. It's not set up. When I go to. The last straw was I went to find a customer service number and it says there wasn't one for Google Nest.

[Christine]

Wow.

[Jevin]

And I just started crying and Jay caught me, and I wish he hadn't, but he did.

[Jay]

I got a little recording of it. Headphones on to hear it. You didn't know I recorded your crying. Give her a little taste.

[Christine]

Verizon. There's no. There's no.

[Robert Kelly]

There's no. Someone's gotta get a grip here and show some manliness.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Jevin]

And then, by the way, after finding a number and going through everything, it just completely disconnected our entire Sonos system, which is what I was absolutely trying to avoid.

[Christine]

They took it away. Here's a great thing about. I'll tell you. West Elm called today. Couch being fixed next Tuesday.

[Jevin]

That's nice.

[Christine]

We're back in.

[Jay]

That's great news.

[Christine]

We're back in.

[Jay]

Christine, you look fantastic.

[Christine]

Yeah, you look fantastic. Nice clavicle.

[Jay]

Sick clavs.

[Christine]

Sick clavs, yo.

[Jay]

Sick ass.

[Christine]

Hey, before we get started, can we. Speaking of our gorgeous friend Evelyn.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Can we check in on her to see maybe. Maybe they stopped poisoning her. Maybe there's a little son came out.

[Jay]

Maybe she's posted since.

[Christine]

I think. I think she might have posted. But let's see. Maybe she posted. Hey, guys, I'm feeling better today.

[Jay]

I will tell you in Bonfire. Character.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Bringing to the table. You win hands down. The midget that I brought to the table. That's very funny. It's too much. One video. The audio is worthless. Almost. Also, he is in on it. The midget's in on it. It's in my algorithm. Too much. I'm seeing the holes on it. It's stupid. They're doing skits, basically. It's not that funny. That guy also already has like a million. Like millions. Yeah, I think of followers. So it's just like a shticky thing people subscribe to. Evelyn, I believe, is a diamond in.

[Christine]

The rough is being poisoned by. She's being her neighbors. But we have to check in on her. It's Monday, maybe over the weekend. The case was solved.

[Evelyn]

Well, what's her story, Bobby?

[Christine]

Well, her story is basically she's being poisoned. She lives in Canada, she's an older woman, and her neighbors apparently are funneling in poison non stop. Non stop. And trying to kill her slowly.

[Jay]

Now, the neighbors are also, I believe, lightly involved with the government.

[Christine]

They're very involved with the government. And the government has evolved somehow with them. So there's an outside source. There's an outside entity. But we're always giving hope that maybe.

[Jay]

On a Monday, maybe evil, as she puts it. The evil is stopped.

[Christine]

Stopped. She figured it out. And it's better up in Canada for our girl. Evan, can we see what's happening with her?

[Jay]

Oh, when's the. 11 hours ago?

[Christine]

11 hours.

[Jay]

Okay, so that's good.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's go stop them in 412. Right? With their pocket technology.

[Jay]

Technology.

[Robert Kelly]

It's unbelievable what they can do. And if someone was smart and just watched, they sit way, way down and shine these big huge bright lights in my apartment. Some of them look like hiding from cars. Others look like.

[Jay]

By the way. Pause it. You notice Christine's the only person not laughing because she sees this in her not, not far future.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Christine's going to be barking that neighbors are filtering and poisons to her.

[Christine]

Yeah. If you pass away and Lewis steals skank for summer, she'll be in a room in Canada.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Christine]

They're trying to kill me.

[Robert Kelly]

Puerto Rican.

[Christine]

Lights. They look like high beams. Because they are. Apparently she's still being poisoned, Jay. Apparently it's still. It's still going on. Poor Evelyn is still being attacked by light beams. Now it's a light beam poison.

[Jay]

It looks like someone shit in her eyes. Her eyes are so closed and red.

[Christine]

Well, if you're being poisoned.

[Jay]

If you think poison, Jack, you gotta block your eyes.

[Christine]

It's the poison burning your eyes. Dude, she's.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Christine]

And she's crying 24 hours a day.

[Jay]

So, I mean, it looks like somebody really farted in her face.

[Christine]

I mean, it must hurt her physically to not only be poisoned.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Christine]

But also to cry all day. If this is a. If this is a gag, if this is a character, if there's something that somebody made up, man, she's gotta win an award. I mean, something.

[Jay]

Because this can't be. You can't be this ugly. And that could have an actor.

[Christine]

Yeah. I mean, how funny it would be if she was hot. If, like, they made her look like.

[Jay]

This is a filter.

[Christine]

Yeah. If that was.

[Jay]

That was like some filter on a smoking hot chick.

[Christine]

That was actually Kim Basinger.

[Jay]

That's my charact. That's my character, Evelyn. I do a bunch of others. I do a sexy Latina.

[Christine]

Yeah, she is, man.

[Jay]

I feel of it.

[Robert Kelly]

It's got to stop, what they're doing. Got to stop.

[Christine]

It's got to stop, Jay.

[Jay]

She's got.

[Jevin]

She got a YouTube page.

[Christine]

It's got to. She's got YouTube.

[Jay]

Yeah, YouTube stopped, though, it looks like.

[Christine]

Yeah. What if she's dead? What if this is old stuff that somebody's posting?

[Jay]

Wait, wait, wait. Her hair's combed back in that one down there. It's nine seconds. It looks like possibly she was.

[Christine]

Here we go. This is the beginning. Stop.

[Jevin]

It's just her looking at the camera.

[Jay]

We're trying to figure out her camera.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow.

[Christine]

That was the beginning, Jay. The origin.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Christine]

We need to find her before this somewhere.

[Jay]

The beginning.

[Christine]

We need to find her. Going, hey, here's my dog, Fruity. This is my. This is my granddaughter.

[Jay]

We have to backtrack.

[Christine]

We have to.

[Jay]

Evelyn Padillas.

[Christine]

What do they call that when we do. What is it called? Social.

[Jay]

No, it's a word I Know, it's. It's working back. We're saying different things. I'm talking about what's the working backwards from the thing. The term. It's. We back.

[Christine]

We reverse engineer.

[Jay]

Reverse engineers.

[Christine]

First engineer.

[Jay]

I was nowhere near the engineer part at all, but I got reversed last second. Tipped it in. Wow.

[Christine]

God damn it.

[Jay]

Dude, that was intense.

[Christine]

Why did that feel so good? That's why. Being hugged.

[Jay]

That's. You know, we're partners. That was something.

[Christine]

That was something. But that was something. When they call it. When they. When the. The sleuths on the Internet do their little. What do they call that? Is it. What do they call them?

[Jay]

Detective?

[Christine]

Well, yeah. Is that it? Internet? Because that's what they solve crimes, right? That cat movie. They were called something, right?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Christine]

We need to go back and find out.

[Jay]

We're Internet sleuth.

[Christine]

The Internet sleuth. That's the.

[Jay]

Is that it? That's it. Come on, bring it in. Man, that feels good. God damn it. Even Evelyn couldn't bring us down on that.

[Christine]

My Eddie Van Halen headphones.

[Jay]

Oh, no. Okay, your EVHs just broke.

[Christine]

My Wolfgang EVHs.

[Jay]

Your EVHs.

[Christine]

Did you see?

[Evelyn]

I upgraded to those. Bobby.

[Christine]

They're good, right?

[Evelyn]

Pads.

[Christine]

They're so good.

[Evelyn]

Eddie Van Halen pads.

[Christine]

Yeah, they're really good.

[Evelyn]

Now they're at home. I use them at home.

[Christine]

Okay.

[Evelyn]

Now, when I want to rock on my own, J. Yeah. In my apartment.

[Jay]

Sometimes you gotta rock on your own. I understand.

[Evelyn]

Exactly.

[Jay]

Some headphones in your own apartment.

[Christine]

So I would think that if you go to her YouTube page. Oh, can you type her name in? There has to be somebody that knows her. A relative. Somebody. You can't just have. If this is real, you can't just have. If, like, relatives see this happening and not trying to communicate or trying to help. Right. I could tell you I know her pretty well now. Okay. Why? Because I spent two hours pulling 30 clips from her. What was that? Are you okay? I gotta take a few breaks. Did you almost drink?

[Jay]

No.

[Christine]

No. You're poisoning me. Now I'm blue.

[Robert Kelly]

It was scary.

[Christine]

Was it scary?

[Robert Kelly]

Someone tell me why why was that?

[Christine]

Backstreet Boys telling me why? Yeah, So I definitely think she's for real. There's a part of me that wanted to believe that something was happening to her, but it's. It's definitely all in her head. She's mentally ill. All right, but she's mentally ill. But how can somebody mentally ill not have anybody else in her life saying, hey?

[Evelyn]

Well, that's why you're Mentally ill. Yeah.

[Christine]

But you can't just. You can't just live on your. Someone has to be helping you. She's a real broken.

[Jay]

Did you see this? As someone who's using her videos to. All right, go back to that last page. Someone is using my videos to say I have cancer and to donate. This is not true. I do not have cancer and I did not do this. I do not have cancer. Instagram. Can't you stop people using other people's videos for false claim?

[Christine]

She has 30,000 followers. Yeah, that's no one like 70 likes every time she complains.

[Jay]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christine]

But she has comments off, right? No, they comment. Oh, they do? Yeah. They tell her to call the cops and this is going on too long.

[Robert Kelly]

Go play Canada.

[Jay]

I can't believe somebody hasn't swatted her. They send people like SWAT teams come barging in. Oh, they're here. Government.

[Robert Kelly]

I wanted to say this.

[Christine]

This is. This has got to be in like if someone has an animation, they're creating a character. This person has to be a new character on something.

[Jay]

Oh yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Things have my private. When I lay down, I can feel it soppy. And what they do to my private area is shameful. Look at the things that they do to my body.

[Christine]

Look. I mean, so I was going to.

[Evelyn]

Win an Academy Award basing a character on this.

[Christine]

If anybody could find information before, we need to trail it back.

[Jay]

Can you go to the moment where she has the hat on? I already know. The audio is going to be fantastic.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what Canada allows to under their citizens? Do you know what's allowed what's going on right now on the soil of fucking Canada. They're torture my family. Do you hear me? They bust my son's head. We talk some fucking hundred miles an hour and they junk and burn us. They heard us on the soul of Canada.

[Jay]

We know. I like. Do you know what the top two comments. Is this the woman from Throw Mama from the train? Is she okay? Second comment. Nobody's helped this woman yet.

[Christine]

That's what's blowing me away.

[Jay]

That's a fellow Canadian. Somebody just helped her in some way. Whatever the help is she needs.

[Christine]

Nobody has poison her own brain.

[Jay]

No one. She has no one who loves her.

[Christine]

Nobody gave her a suicide pod from Switzerland. That's illegal now.

[Evelyn]

I mean, she has a home.

[Christine]

She has a apartment.

[Evelyn]

That's a thing.

[Christine]

Which I believe is government issued. I believe it's some Type of Section 8 from the Looks of it. In the neighborhood of it. But again, I'm just Internet Sleuthing. We need to do more sleuthing. I think this weekend. Thank you, buddy. We have to go back and find origins. We have to find relatives. We have to find jobs, bosses.

[Jay]

We'll reverse engineer it.

[Christine]

We have to reverse engineer.

[Jay]

Great.

[Jevin]

This was a GoFundMe type thing she.

[Christine]

Had, but she just said, that's not her.

[Jay]

It's not her. She doesn't have cancer, Christine.

[Christine]

That's the thing is this. This chick could make a million.

[Jay]

Actually. This just has to cover. Phone and food.

[Christine]

Phone and food. Let's donate.

[Jevin]

Yeah. This wasn't a cancer thing. I don't think.

[Jay]

Well, she just wants donations.

[Jevin]

She has stuff on every platform. She has a Facebook, a tick tock, a YouTube and Instagram, but it's hard to find any.

[Jay]

You got to get the message out.

[Evelyn]

If you were gonna give money, I would give to her before the. What was that? Porn star that didn't exist.

[Christine]

They're gonna say Corinne Fisher.

[Jay]

Yeah. I swear to God. I thought you're gonna say Corinne for mayor.

[Christine]

I thought you're gonna say that.

[Jay]

Is there anyone. We haven't even dabbled. We gotta check back in with Corinne for mayor. If there's ain't been any videos. I donated a thousand bucks. We're allowed to make fun of it.

[Christine]

You did?

[Jay]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christine]

I gotta donate.

[Jay]

I officially did. Okay. Because I was. I realized that for a week or so. I was saying I did it because I said two, but I never did it. So then I did it. She thanked me for getting involved with politics.

[Christine]

She did?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Christine]

What did she say?

[Jay]

She said that I could speak at the inauguration if she wins.

[Christine]

That's not true.

[Jay]

She said I could crowd work it. She said that?

[Christine]

That is not true.

[Jay]

That.

[Christine]

She said that you cannot crowd work the inauguration.

[Jay]

Oh, probably. No, I shouldn't. But she did say that I could.

[Christine]

No shit. For a thousand bucks. Wow.

[Jay]

It was. She was touched. Great.

[Christine]

You should film this special.

[Jay]

I want her to win.

[Christine]

You should do your next special there.

[Jay]

At the Governor's Mansion.

[Christine]

Have somebody film it. Call it the bell, the ball.

[Jay]

Oh, I would love to do my special at the Governor's Mansion.

[Christine]

That'd be funny if she did.

[Jay]

Or no, nothing. Well, she won't live in the Governor's mansion. She's the mayor in the mayor's house.

[Evelyn]

Gracie Mansion.

[Jay]

Gracie Mansion. But that's like a. Isn't that a brownstone?

[Christine]

No, it's a mansion.

[Jay]

Where?

[Christine]

Up on the upper midsize side.

[Jay]

What?

[Christine]

The midsize sides?

[Jay]

No, no, we don't do this Anymore we figured out together. What's it called? Where is it? Let's figure it out together.

[Christine]

I believe it's up on the Upper West. Up. Upper west side. Correct.

[Evelyn]

I thought it was downtown the last time I said.

[Christine]

Gracie, where is it?

[Evelyn]

Ed Koch was the mayor.

[Christine]

Where is it? East River. Okay, so it's on the east side. And it's actually a mansion. It's a house.

[Jay]

It's on the east side.

[Christine]

It's on the east side.

[Jay]

It's the scariest side.

[Christine]

No, not up there. Not in Yorkville.

[Jay]

Oh, 88th.

[Christine]

Yeah, that's money. That's old money. East these side.

[Jay]

This guy just told you it was downtown. That wasn't working together.

[Christine]

No, that was working.

[Jay]

This was working together.

[Christine]

Yeah, this is working. And you actually got your chick involved, which I appreciate, you know what I mean?

[Jay]

She looks great too.

[Christine]

She looks awesome today. Her clav is killing it with that little thing over the shoulder.

[Jay]

Clavicle's a clap.

[Christine]

She get great clabs.

[Jay]

All day, all night.

[Christine]

I mean, a clav, a clavicur.

[Jay]

Preaching to the choir, dog.

[Christine]

Yeah, man.

[Jevin]

I don't know what you guys are doing, but I do like it.

[Jay]

Yeah, just trying to keep you together.

[Christine]

I'm trying to keep.

[Jevin]

Do this more.

[Jay]

She's trying to keep you together is all.

[Christine]

I did find a new guy. I don't know if you want to take a look at him. Maybe later in the show.

[Jay]

Well, maybe later because I do have. Somebody's on the line calling.

[Christine]

Oh, really?

[Jay]

That. Before we put him through?

[Christine]

What?

[Jay]

Yeah, before we put him through.

[Christine]

What do we got?

[Jay]

Well, I'll tell you, it's my. It's one of my oldest friends.

[Christine]

Hang on, let me get context face.

[Jay]

It's one of my oldest friends, Glenn, who after we were friends since high school and then after high school, well beyond, still close friends. And Glenn reached out to me a couple weeks ago and said his long term girlfriend, who's lovely, I've met several times, his long term girlfriend has a cousin who lives in Denver. Her and her cousin. Her cousin and her cousin's husband would like to come to the show. Could you get some tickets for the show?

[Christine]

Sounds very, very normal.

[Jay]

Of course, it's not a crazy thing at all. Glenn, can we put Glenn through? Glenn, you there?

[Glenn]

Yeah, I'm here.

[Jay]

What's up, buddy?

[Christine]

Hi, Glenn.

[Glenn]

How you doing?

[Christine]

Hi, Glenn. This is.

[Glenn]

How's it going?

[Christine]

Hey, man, it's a pleasure to, to meet you. I've never, you know, I mean, this is my first time hearing about It.

[Jay]

This might be your first time. Well, not first time hearing. I got a lot of stories.

[Christine]

You got a lot of stories about it. But the first time meeting you and touching base. Have you ever seen real quick Jay's penis?

[Jay]

Oh, probably multiple times.

[Christine]

Nice.

[Jay]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christine]

What? Affiliate answer multiple times.

[Jay]

Yeah, dude, I had one of my. One of my. One of my early stories, actually. The story that I tell on Ari's show. The one time about this girl inviting me and Kurt Metzger and a friend to gang bang her. Glenn was the other guy.

[Christine]

Is this the first time you're announcing that?

[Jay]

No, I told the story on our.

[Christine]

You say it's Glenn.

[Jay]

Oh, I say my friend Glenn.

[Christine]

Oh, you say my friend Glenn?

[Jay]

Yeah. I mean, I don't give a Social Security number or anything. I'm not going to get into trouble.

[Jevin]

We have a release.

[Jay]

Just my friend Glenn. Could be fictitious, but. No, it was Glenn, though. Just, you know, it was Glenn.

[Christine]

You have friends from high school?

[Jay]

That's amazing.

[Christine]

All my friends are dead.

[Jay]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you've only hung out with junkies.

[Christine]

That's true.

[Jay]

So Glenn says, could you get them tickets? Of course.

[Christine]

What does Glenn do now? Can I just. Do you mind if I stop before we get into the story?

[Jay]

What is Glenn? You work dispatch, right?

[Glenn]

Yeah, I'm a dispatcher for a trucking company.

[Christine]

Oh, that's cool.

[Jay]

All right.

[Christine]

So he's a man.

[Jay]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's a man. Yeah. Glenn was our enforce truck for years. Yeah, yeah, Glenn was our enforcer too. Glenn was like the first out of the car to punch somebody guy, right? It's good to have.

[Christine]

Great to have.

[Jay]

Great to have.

[Christine]

Good name for that too.

[Jay]

Glenn. It was d balling a little when I was younger because Glenn jumped to action faster. So if somebody was up in my house, Glenn was very protective of my house also. Cause my family and him are close. That like, he was the guy that would have somebody up against the wall going like, get the fuck out of this house. And I'm like, it looks like I'm just a bitch sitting on the couch going like, get him, baby.

[Christine]

But here's the thing, Jay. Every friend, every friend has their job, right?

[Jay]

Glenn's uniforms, that was his job. You were the goon.

[Christine]

You were the first one to go. Guys, snacks.

[Jay]

Yeah. Goon. He goes, guys, you want me to order pizza? Glenn's gooning, dude.

[Christine]

I mean, this is gonna be a rough fight. Let's get some little hot dog wieners.

[Jay]

Ooh, guys, we chicken ears from that one place. So he asked, of course, I'll get his long term girlfriend's cousin, of course, and her and her husband, of course. So then he hits me up. Glenn hits me up a day or two before he goes, can they meet you after the show? They're going to come to the early show Friday. Can they meet you after the show? So it's in between shows. It's all tracks. Yeah, of course. And the comedy works in Denver. Unless you're going to go do full meet and greet, which is difficult to do between shows because, like they have another show coming in and everything. I was like, yeah, I can't really like come out out. So I'm like, but it's Glenn's girlfriend's cousin. Cousin and her friend and the husband. So I get them tickets and I go, just have them just be brought back in the green room for a little bit. If they smoke weed, I'll smoke a joint with them. I'll bullshit with them for a little bit or give them a drink and then, you know, say hi and we'll go on our way.

[Christine]

So you give him, you give him the Marcus King vip.

[Jay]

You give him the vip.

[Christine]

Give him the vip.

[Jay]

So after the show, I see them outside of the thing and there's a lady out there who seems pretty drunk in the hallway. I didn't know who it was yet, but pretty drunk, pretty loud. And her husband, who's pretty soft spoken. And this is them, this is the cousin and the husband. So I get him out of the hallway, I bring him in the green room and they sit down in there. Now the husband is a fan. He's legit. I don't know if he's gonna be a fan after the story, but he's a fan. That's okay. That's okay. I'd understand. But he's a fan. He knows all the shows, all the stuff. He's a big fan, right? I don't know if she's a fan. She's hammered. So.

[Christine]

So he's the fan. He said to her, you know him. Can you get us tickets?

[Jay]

I don't, I can't tell you the answers to those things, but I can tell you that he was a big fan. And she was like, you know, oh, and you're, you know, she's cousins with Glenn's girlfriend. It's like, and how do you know Glenn? You know, oh, me and Glenn go back since high school. It's a nice enough conversation. But she's hammered and she's telling me a lot of facts about herself. Which is fine. It's conversational. But she's drunk out of her mind. And after being in the green room for about 25, 30 minutes. Good, good time. And 25, 30 minutes between shows. Yeah, between shows. I kind of do like a. Hey, let's go smoke a cigarette out in the little side area out there.

[Christine]

At the back door.

[Jay]

Bottom of the steps. Bottom of the steps in the back door. Because no one. You know, I won't be obstructing the line at all. I'll smoke a cigarette with him, talk a little bit more, and then they'll be on their way. She's hammered enough to be doing this thing where she starts repeating stories, and I'm finishing it because I know the thing already. And then when you say it, she gets like, her mind's blown. She's like, what the. How did you. And you're like, yeah, you just told us. You just told us the story two minutes ago. And a lot of that. But then I'm asking just questions of just, you know, bullshitting, getting to know somebody. I go, how do I go? Is Glenn's girlfriend's family. Are you guys from here? Denver. And. And she moved out to Jersey, or are you guys Jersey people? And you moved out to. And. And you guys moved out to Denver? And she makes the most bizarre face of me. It looks she's having a stroke. Her face just goes frozen almost.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay]

And I'm like, are you okay? And she's like, yeah. I go, no. She just goes, no. And I'm like, no. What? Oh, you guys. I go, was the family. You guys are family, but none of the families you grew up with lived in the same place ever. And she goes, I was supposed to tell you that I was her cousin. And I went, what? She goes, I was supposed to say I was her cousin. I go, why? She goes, that's what I was told to say. I go, well, what are. What are you. She goes, you don't want to know. And I went, what? The husband's just definitely quiet. She goes, you don't want to know. I go, well, I mean, I kind of want to know. And she goes. So over Covid. Over quarantine, she was pregnant, I guess, and just home all day doing something. And she goes, I started playing the game Monopoly Go on my phone.

[Christine]

What the fuck are you laughing at?

[Jay]

Started playing game Monopoly, Go. And Glenn's girlfriend also played Monopoly Go. So they became friends in, like, a chat of a phone game.

[Christine]

What.

[Jay]

They'Ve never met, what they've never seen each other in person and to give you some insight onto this woman's personality. And again, I'll grant it, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she's obliterated drunk. So this is. Now she is. All the time. But in this situation, she goes, and she's one of my closest friends in the world. And I was like, wow, from Monopoly. Go. A few years ago. And she goes, well, when I had my kid, they found out that I had a tumor behind my eye that had to be removed, and they removed it, and she was like, cancer free now. And it's blah, blah, blah, you know, it's. It's a great story. And I'm like, oh, that is great. And she goes, and when I was recovering through that, the only person in the world that was there for me was Glenn's girlfriend.

[Christine]

Monopoly. Go.

[Jay]

You're coming through the craziest surgery, brain surgery of your life, and the only person that's there for you is a person who's never met you. Says a lot about your personality. So then I'm like, all right, guys, well, I gotta go back inside, kind of get this show going here, you know, I gotta roll. And then she just goes, she's smoking. She goes, no, we're coming back in.

[Christine]

What?

[Jay]

And I was like, no. I was like, what? I'm just being like, politely, kind of like, it's like, nah, the second show is gonna start pretty soon. And so you got. She's like, so you want us to go? And I was like, well, I just got to get back inside and stuff, and you guys can't hang down here. So I was like, it was great to meet you guys. And then, you know, his five handshakes with him, eight hugs with her repeating a story again that I finished. I was like, no, I know you told me this. And she's like, what?

[Christine]

How did you know that?

[Jay]

And then I finally. I was like. And I think. And the guy's giving, like, the mildest, like, hey, babe, I think. I think we saying we have to go. I think we kind of have to go.

[Christine]

He's afraid of her.

[Jay]

I mean, deadly, deathly, deathly afraid.

[Christine]

That's a relationship Christine would die for with you.

[Jay]

Absolutely. This, by the way, when you hear my description of where this is going crazy, in my mind, you'll hear that, so. And I know this isn't Glenn's person out either at all, but.

[Christine]

Glenn, you're still there.

[Jay]

Oh, yeah, he's here.

[Glenn]

Yeah.

[Christine]

I mean, this is.

[Glenn]

I just figured out it wasn't her cousin.

[Jay]

He's laughing. You just shut up. You just found out now it's not her cousin.

[Christine]

Yo, what?

[Jay]

Yo, what?

[Christine]

She didn't tell her. Wow, this is dangerous.

[Jay]

This is dangerous.

[Christine]

This is dangerous.

[Jay]

So.

[Christine]

People get murdered. This is the beginning of a.

[Jay]

The fact that Glenn didn't know is crazy. So.

[Christine]

Your wife. Yo, is this his wife? Girl, Long time girlfriend, longtime girlfriend. Told you that this was her cousin. Oh, my God.

[Jay]

So. So back to the story. So the guy's doing like the ever so slight, like, hey, babe, I think, you know, I think he's saying he's got to get inside. She's like, yeah, we were gonna go back inside. I'm like, I goes, you leave something in the green room. Like, I can get it for you or whatever the. And she's like, all right. And then I kind of closed the door. You can't get back in. Technically, that door locks.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay]

If you lock it and when you close it. So. Yeah. And then they stood up there for a while and then finally the club was like, yeah, they left. They walked up and went away. So I was like, jesus.

[Christine]

So you had to check. You're like, hey, did they leave?

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Because you were terrified.

[Jay]

Yes, they. They're already. Now they're under here under false pretenses. Did you ever see that movie? What was the visit where the kids are at the grandparents house? And then. That's the Shyamalan twist.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Spoiler alert. You're like, it's not their grandparents.

[Christine]

No.

[Jay]

She shows, Mommy goes, hey, look, Mom, Grandma and grandpa right there. They go, that's not your grandparents. And they're like, what the.

[Christine]

It's probably not even her boyfriend. That's why he was so scared.

[Jay]

I don't know, but this isn't even close to over.

[Christine]

He. She probably had his real family hostage somewhere.

[Jay]

Yeah, yeah. And she. And you have to pretend to be. Yeah, she was boisterous, dude. She was big personality.

[Christine]

He pretended to be my man and I'll let them live.

[Jay]

So. So this is great. I love that Glenn. This. This makes the. The punchline of this story is so much better. Knowing that Glenn doesn't know. Oh, there's substantially more.

[Christine]

Jesus Christ, dude.

[Jay]

Substantially more. So. So what?

[Glenn]

I was kind of skeptical. Skeptical of her name too.

[Christine]

What was your name?

[Jay]

Breezy Joy. Bre. On my life, buddy.

[Christine]

You're lying to all of us on my life.

[Jay]

Because here's the thing, by the way, she was so hammered, she kept saying, she goes, they said you were going to give me real Shit about my name. And I was like, oh, yeah. It just sounds like you had, like, hippie parents. And she was like, yeah, Breezy Joy, right? You got a million things about that. Like, I don't really. It's just a goofy name. For sure. And then she told me, and that's the. That's the thing.

[Christine]

That's her name on. On Monopoly Go app is breezy joy.

[Jay]

100%. I'll say this. It's her actual name, But I'll tell you why. She told me why.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay]

In the green room, when she was giving me some of her story, she goes, I was named after. It's a character in a Kenny Rogers movie.

[Christine]

Which one?

[Jay]

Look it up. I don't know. We'll look it up. Maybe the gambler, but it's a character.

[Christine]

How many did he have?

[Jay]

I don't know. It's a character from that. So later, outside, when I was trying to get him to go the first time, she goes. She goes, you were gonna make fun of my name? You're gonna trash it? And I go, no. I go, I mean, if I would have known that it was a Kenny Rogers reference, I would. And she was like, what? How did you know that? No one ever knows it's a Kenny run. And I'm like, you just told me. You told me.

[Christine]

This is taxing.

[Jay]

Oh. So anyway, they leave. Yeah, I'm in the green room. Show starts. Host goes on. No, Dylan does a guest spot. No, Fenoy's on stage. No, Fenoy's on stage. Me and Dylan are in the green room. Green room door just bursts open. Breezy Joy and her beta husb. And they come in, and they just take seats. He's standing a little bit. He's doesn't. He wants to be there, but he doesn't like the way this is going down at all. But he can't do it. She sits down and just lights a joint, and she's like, yeah. And I went. As soon as they came in and they sat down, I was like, hey, guys. I didn't know they were there still. I was like, hey, guys, I don't think the clubs really want you guys to be back here right now. And she was like, now? We just walked back. No one said anything. And I was like, yeah, but I think they just didn't see you. Like, you're not. I think they're gonna end up asking you guys to leave if you. I'm like, are you in the show? They're like, yeah, we're watching this show. And I Was like, all right, you guys gotta go back to your seats. You know, I'm just gonna get him out of the room now. I'll catch you guys after the show. And I'm telling you, for 15 minutes, it was a back and forth of her going like, the guy's doing this. He's like, babe, I think he's saying, we kind of got to go. She's like, if he wants us to go, he'll say to go. Dylan at one point even goes, I think he did. And she was like, no, but we're friends, right? We're friends. And you just know my personality, dude. I'm just doing like the. I'm like. I'm like, yeah. And she's high fiving me. I'm like, yeah, we're friends. I just like, I'm going on stage in a little bit. She's like, yes. So we'll go out there. When you go on stage, just like bombarding the room. And it's like, for 15 minutes until I. I was telling you I was on the cusp of like the. Almost like the flabbergasted. Like, how are you acting like this, right? Like, I don't know what else I could do for you. I got you guys tickets. I go in, I got you drinks. Come on, man.

[Christine]

This is terrifying.

[Jay]

But I. But before I can do that, the guy was just like, come on, I think we gotta go. I was like, yeah, you guys, like, gotta go out there. And then they went out that side door to smoke again. And then went back in the showroom, I guess, and I. And the. The manager was like, I'm so sorry. I thought they sort of run your list and it was fine. I go, no, it's fine. I didn't say anything to you guys. But I'm like, they're hammered. I mean, if they cause a problem, like during the show, like, you can kick them out. Like, if they have to. If you have to ask me. And they did get kicked out.

[Christine]

They got kicked out. She got kicked out. He didn't do anything.

[Jay]

Yeah, but she got kicked out. And then they were like, I had to wait 45 minutes in the club because they were just outside waiting for you. It was crazy.

[Christine]

So you were just little scared, Jay, inside the club.

[Jay]

So let me tell you here.

[Christine]

Yeah, wait a minute, wait a minute. I gotta stop for a second.

[Jay]

Good.

[Christine]

So you are hiding in the club?

[Jay]

Well, we were gonna say we were staying in there, bullshitting and stuff like that until they were gone, because I didn't want to Go out and just have another thing like, guys, enough.

[Christine]

Couldn't you sneak out the back? Do you have a disguise you could jump into?

[Jay]

Yeah, I had a funny mustache. I had a mustache and glasses. So they're like. They're outside, and the staff knows them at this point. They go, they're still out there. And then they were asked. They were blocking a bike lane. They were asked to move from there. So here's the best part of that. So the night goes. Listen, anything like that happens, too. And you know us, like, what we do for a living. Moments like this, you're like, the story's worth all of it. So who gives a shit? But the punchline of the thing. And let me say this first, I was gonna give Glenn the only shit I was gonna give you at all for this. Cause I know this wasn't your intention at all. The only shit I was gonna give you was to say, as a teaching moment, I'll get you tickets for whoever you ever want me to get tickets for. You're one of my oldest friends. If I can get the tickets, I'll get them, but you gotta let me know who I'm dealing with. But the fact that you thought it was her cousin makes this funny, because Glenn didn't know. But also what's great about it is the next day, I'm at the airport, and the airport's a fucking nightmare. I told you guys. It was my thing was they unboarded us off the plane after an hour. I was asleep for an hour. And then they got up. They're like, everyone's getting off the plane. They didn't know if they were going to have a new plane. It was over. And I'm sitting in the middle of that, the airplane, and Glenn goes, yo, man. They said, thank you. And so they had a blast. I was like. I wrote back. I'm like, dude, what? I thought they were a crazy problem all night. Shit. Dude.

[Christine]

Oblivious.

[Jay]

So the. The moral of the story is, doesn't even even think Glenn didn't know either. And that is fucking hilarious. Tell your girlfriend she's lovely. Tell her, by all means. No, that's not her.

[Christine]

Oh, damn.

[Jay]

It's Ie. I believe. Wait, go back to it. Maybe it is.

[Christine]

If that's her, it's exact. I mean, she exactly like the person that would exactly like the person. If you were to make the person out of your description that looks like it's some.

[Jay]

Now this girl was.

[Christine]

Now chick who's friends with her teddy bear.

[Jay]

It does look, this girl was heavier wow.

[Christine]

You sure that's not her?

[Jay]

No, it's ie Do I E. Not E Y.

[Christine]

That chick definitely has done what you. That girl has done the same shit.

[Jay]

Glenn, please tell your girlfriend if she has somebody she wants to get tickets for. Get tickets? But if I knew it was Monopoly girlfriends, I would have been like, hey, I'm not gonna meet them. But like, I'll get them tickets. I'll get him a couple drinks like it was the film Six Pack.

[Christine]

Six Pack. Good movie.

[Jay]

About the kids from the Kenny Rogers movie Six Pack.

[Christine]

Dude, that is so she's one of the kids. Is that the name Breezy Joy? I guess the character Breezy Joy is played.

[Glenn]

I would have said the same thing.

[Jay]

Oh, my God. Dude.

[Christine]

Buddy. Glenn, you put your. You put your friend's life at risk.

[Glenn]

Oh, my God.

[Christine]

Is that her?

[Jay]

No.

[Christine]

Oh, God.

[Jay]

That's not it either.

[Christine]

God damn.

[Jay]

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[Christine]

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[Glenn]

Glenn, I would have been on the.

[Christine]

First plane to Denver to do what? Pick up his body.

[Jay]

But I got to say this too is what I say about the beta male thing. Don't you're not supposed to fucking hit your lady, lay hands on her. But there should be something in the male female dynamic in chance. I said your wife. If you got obliterated and we're causing a problem.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Your wife can only do so much as far as trying to stop you. She can stand in front of you, yell at you, tell you to stop. There it is.

[Christine]

Oh, God.

[Jay]

Oh, God. Yeah.

[Christine]

Oh, wow. But she's, I'll tell you this.

[Jay]

What? Heavily filtered, I promise you.

[Christine]

Heavily filtered, but heavily packed in the chest.

[Jay]

Oh, yeah. She has big fat tits.

[Christine]

For sure. Yeah, she's got big, big, fat, juicy ones.

[Jay]

I mean, it was. But the husband again, my thing with the husband is. And he's.

[Christine]

This is what's scary about this. There's only 10 posts. Yeah, that's terrifying.

[Jay]

227 friends. Although I tell you what, we could light her up with friends right now. Just blow her mind. No, I know. We're not gonna give her last name.

[Jevin]

It's because I'm not friends with her that we're only seeing what we're seeing.

[Christine]

Oh, okay. So become friends.

[Jay]

Listen, her best friend who helped her through a cancer treatment is a person she met on Monopoly co she's never seen in her life. Oh my God.

[Christine]

Dude, do you know. Hey, Glenn, are you. Have you talked to her? Do you know her?

[Glenn]

No, I, I, I really don't know her. Talk to her. Is thinking, it's Anna's cousin.

[Jay]

Wow.

[Christine]

Weird that. Why would your girlfriend tell you that it's her?

[Jay]

She probably thought it was the, you know, she was making a big ask, maybe thought if it was a family member, it would be better asking to.

[Christine]

Go to the Oscars. It was a showing.

[Jay]

That's what I'm saying. It's like, I think people don't also realize how accessible these things are.

[Christine]

Yeah, it's very accessible.

[Jay]

I mean, like, if I get you tickets, I'm only Giving you like, what, 25, 35 value? I don't know. I guess maybe they're more some places. But it's like, it was like, yeah.

[Glenn]

Her, her cousin, her cousin's husband is like a big, you know, fan of him. And I'm like, yeah, I'll see what I can do.

[Jay]

But at some point, that guy, but that guy sitting there while she was doing that and how many times for 10 of the minutes he was saying like, I think he, I think we're supposed to get out of here. And she's like, no, we're fine. And I was like, at what point, dude? I go, if this was Christine, this was Christine doing that, I promise you. Especially if we were that level of like, she was that drunk and I was. He wasn't that drunk. I would. It would be like, yo, let's go. Yeah, I would have been, enough. We're going, let's go right now. And if she didn't go and she's acting like that, I'd probably get her by the jacket. And if she was like, don't put your hands on me. I'd leave without her. I'd go, but that's. There's no fucking way.

[Christine]

I would goon hand Dawn's elbow.

[Jay]

Yeah, exactly.

[Christine]

I would grab right behind the elbow bone, push up just a little bit, and walk her out of that child.

[Jay]

You're embarrassing us both.

[Christine]

I would have been. And I would have been. I would have been smiling but grinding through my teeth. Listen, you fucking idiot. You're fucking embarrass me in front of my friends. We're going to the fucking car and you're shutting your mouth and we're going home.

[Jay]

Glenn didn't know it wasn't her cousin.

[Christine]

That way, if anybody took video of me doing that, they would see me smiling and think, oh, they look fine.

[Jay]

I mean, look, it's funny.

[Christine]

These. Can I say what Jay had no.

[Jevin]

Idea is causing relationship drama?

[Jay]

No idea.

[Christine]

Listen to me. Those eyes.

[Jay]

Yeah. Psychotic.

[Christine]

I'm gonna tell you right now, you got away with murder. Your murder.

[Jay]

Yeah. That they waited outside for me for an inordinate amount of time.

[Christine]

Not only this, she found out that she doesn't need to get tickets. She can just walk in, walk into the green room.

[Jay]

When she said that was the funniest line.

[Christine]

She said, you will see her again.

[Jay]

It's funny. I go, I don't think you're allowed to come back here. She goes, we just walked back.

[Christine]

Yeah. I see her again, buddy, I guarantee she'll be back.

[Jay]

Oh, yeah.

[Christine]

Oh, she's the Terminator you'll look at.

[Jay]

Whenever I look out into the trees and I see two, I'll think it's her.

[Christine]

Do you know how terrifying it's gonna be to go back to Denver now?

[Jay]

Yeah, because, you know, Wolf, is it a breezy joy? Oh, it's just a hyena.

[Christine]

You're gonna look out in the crowd and see those eyes.

[Jay]

I'm terrified to go back to Denver.

[Christine]

Yeah, you, you should be. I mean, she's coming for you.

[Jay]

I'm gonna do an 18 month cycle on that. Hope they forget she's coming for you. Maybe she'll be in prison by then for killing somebody else. It was batshit crazy. It was the second craziest and the other one was people I brought when the. When the strippers hit the ladies at what's his name? Brian Regan. I told you that story before. I definitely told you that story before.

[Christine]

Oh, what happened?

[Jay]

I brought two strippers. I didn't bring two strippers. A guy I know who owned a strip club brought his bartender two strippers and they talked and then they punched an old lady in the thing. And I invited them. So I know Christine will tell you this. Most of the problems I have like this, Glenn, just so you know, it's why I'm not upset at all. Is. Has been self inflicted. When we were at Denver Improv a couple times ago, when Christine was with me, a girl and her husband came in the green room. They were drunk enough. The girl kept showing us all our pussy and tits. And why that didn't make me realize, while this was awesome, they should probably leave pretty soon. I was like, hey, if you guys want to sneak in for the next show, I can get you. They were removed before the show started. I think physically had to be removed.

[Christine]

Such a.

[Jay]

But I'm like, well, she showed her pussy. She seems nice enough.

[Robert Kelly]

Right at the top of the crack of my vagina to the very top of the crack of my ass.

[Christine]

This breezy girl looks like she could be related to Ev.

[Jay]

Oh, dude, definitely Evan's cousin. She definitely thinks the government's poisoning her. Without a doubt.

[Christine]

It's funny. If this was. This is. This is what Ev looked like back in the day.

[Jay]

I promise you. Yeah, I know. I've met Glenn's girlfriend several times now, and I'm telling you, she does not refer to this as her best friend for sure. But Breezy Joy thinks Glenn's girlfriend is borderline family is how tight she thinks they are. And they met on Monopoly.

[Christine]

Go, Glenn. You got to figure this out. Because, I mean, listen, bro, your girl could be in danger.

[Jay]

What if she has her? What if she had her come to your house to stay under the pretense is her cousin, and then she watches you guys sleep for three hours and stabs you both?

[Christine]

Yeah, buddy, you're gonna have to check your ring camera. You're gonna see those eyes in front of your fucking door late at night. Hey, I'm here.

[Jay]

Oh, my God. Well, I love you, buddy. Thanks for calling in. I wanted to tell. I wanted to tell it to you on air. I thought you'd get a kick out of it and go.

[Glenn]

I definitely did on this one.

[Jay]

You're gonna have to go ask. You have to go ask your chick about her family tree and give her a real. These branches far fall.

[Glenn]

That's a little far. I figured that one.

[Jay]

Oh, my Lord. We'll talk to you soon, buddy. All right.

[Glenn]

Nice talking to you. Love you guys.

[Christine]

Nice to meet you, Glenn.

[Jay]

Go Birds, dude. Go Birds.

[Christine]

I love that you have regular friends, too. Isn't that great?

[Jay]

Well, Glenn's one of the few. I'd say, really, that I'm still, like, in, like, pretty regular touch with.

[Christine]

I love regular friends.

[Jay]

Well, it's funny. We hadn't seen each other. We'd see each other, like, probably, but year. A couple years would go by in a clip where we wouldn't see each other. Now I've sort of, like, last year, I made it a point. I was like, oh, I'm. Me and Glenn went to, like, an Eagles game. I was like, we should, like, I should still see my buddies who aren't just because they're not my everyday squares, man. Yeah.

[Christine]

I have a couple squares to hang out with. Don't have to talk about comedy or. I'm. You know.

[Jay]

What I've always loved, too, is Glenn's also a rare friend. Not that I have friends that, like, are jealous of me or anything. I don't say that. But Glenn is. Doesn't have a downplay of it at all. Like, when we went to, like, that Eagles game, like, when people do recognize me at all. He's stoked on that. He's. Which I think is awesome.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay]

Like, he's proud of me. He's not like, you think you're better than me, dude.

[Christine]

He doesn't have that. Yeah. I have big shoulders, Joe.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Christine]

A friend of mine, which I love hanging with because we'll just talk about bullshit.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Yeah. Plus, he helps me, you know? Yeah. If Don needs something open.

[Jay]

How old are me? You're going to be still looking for Daddy.

[Christine]

Well, I don't think it's ever going to. Here's the thing, Jay. It's never going to end well.

[Jay]

My thing is I'm not looking for Daddy. Daddy. As far as, like, the father role and give me a lot of things, my stepfather handled it great. He just doesn't happen to know, also, he had a shitty father.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay]

So weightlifting, cursing, hilarious. Only white people in the room, racism. But he never was able to show me, like, how to fix a car or anything like that. You know what I mean?

[Christine]

Such a great thing to Just fly out of your mouth, weightlifting, cursing. Only white people from racism.

[Jay]

You know, the okay kind. It was the 90s, 90s. There wasn't racism.

[Christine]

What do they call that? What do they call that? It's called not racist. It's called. What's the other word for a Che?

[Jay]

Not racist.

[Christine]

It's not racist. Bigot. What happened?

[Jay]

I don't know. But so we're connected on a level. I mean, two people vibrating. It's pretty crazy.

[Christine]

I smell fantastic Tom Ford. God damn it. I want to buy it, but I don't want to buy it. I want you to be.

[Jay]

You get a different Tom Ford.

[Christine]

I don't know, because when I smell it, I want to think of you. Oh, I don't want to think of me.

[Jay]

No. But there's different Tom Ford.

[Christine]

I don't want it. I want you to be Tom Ford.

[Jay]

I'll be Tom Ford. How great. I mean that story was.

[Christine]

It's great. I mean it's. It's terrifying to me.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Because the fact that she met some crazy chick she's never met online. So. So the fact there's so much. There's so much detail, there's so much reality that she doesn't know real like what's true, what's not, what she's done in the past. And she. She has Manson lamps, she has that thousand yard stare.

[Jay]

Oh, yeah, no, absolutely. Hang on. I know Fenoy might be listening because he's driving. If Mike. If you're listening, call in 886-69699. How do you know he's driving?

[Christine]

Does he have a day job?

[Jay]

No, he landed today.

[Christine]

Okay.

[Jay]

From the thing. No, he told me he'd be driving or he'd be available for this because.

[Christine]

So Mikey was there?

[Jay]

No, Mikey was there, but Mikey's also the husband. Did a pretty fucking funny thing to Mikey. It's great because I mean these, they were. They infiltrated the room. And Mike doesn't. Mike doesn't keep anything inside. If he thinks he's keeping inside, it's all over his fucking face completely. So he came in that green room and there's, you know, there's smoke and shit in there and stuff like that. He's like almost like a bout faced and just vanished for the second half of the show.

[Christine]

But Mikey's a good guy to have if something does go down because he has a lot of. He has inner rage.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Christine]

You know, he's got.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Really secret rage he keeps in little boxes.

[Jay]

Oh, absolutely. Mikey's rated on core. Yeah. If he goes, he's gonna kill.

[Christine]

Yeah, he's like.

[Jay]

He'll be punching and, like, crying, like that kind of punching.

[Christine]

Yeah, he likes all that hippie music that just keeps him. That keeps the Hulk inside. He doesn't really like that music. He has to listen to that music. Oh, he'll murder everybody at nine six nine. 1969, Mikey. Yeah. That's terrifying, Jay. It's terrifying that they. They came back in, though, because if somebody came, if I came, if I came back to my dressing room and they were in my dressing room, I would probably. I would snap. I would. I'd be like, listen, bitch, you gotta go and you gotta get your shit together. Get the fuck out of here right now. I'd be done. That would scare. Because I would be scared. I wouldn't be mad. I'd be scared that this crazy.

[Jay]

Here's the thing again, now, now, knowing what the thing was, you let them go have.

[Christine]

Did they get free tickets for the next show?

[Jay]

I think they came in just like, oh, we're. And they were. And they assumed, even though I only had them for the 7:30 show, they probably assumed, like, I meant to put them in for both shows, or they're my people, so they just.

[Christine]

They got. They got shows, by the way. Yeah, well, not apparently, so they get. They took. They took a couple chairs.

[Jay]

Well, they'll get them in. Yes, I'm saying they'll make sure they get them in. So. Yeah, but that was. I mean, it was a real, like, fucking, like, horror movie moment. I felt that was just weird because her face. If you could see this. You saw her face? Yeah. Now picture. It's not filtered and, like, hammered, you know what I mean? Drinking excessively. And I go, so your cousins. Did you guys. Are you from here, or is everyone from there? And you moved here and she's just like. She didn't know how to answer. She didn't know how to lie anymore. She was like, yeah, she Phantom of the Opera face. And I was like, are you okay? I'm like, what? And she goes, I was told to say I was her cousin. Yeah. Turn off the light. Christine, lower the lights.

[Christine]

No, but put her eyes up on the screen. Can you just put her eyes up on the screen?

[Jay]

Hang on. Turn the lights off. Christine was told to say I was your cousin.

[Christine]

What? Why would. Why would you do that?

[Jay]

Was told to say I was your cousin.

[Christine]

Why? Why? Why? I don't understand.

[Jay]

I don't know her.

[Christine]

Why are you looking like that?

[Jay]

I don't even know her.

[Christine]

What?

[Jay]

And I'm already in. It was goddamn terrifying.

[Christine]

It's terrifying in this room. Turn the lights on. It's freaky.

[Jay]

He said his girlfriend said she's sorry. She didn't think it would go like an act like that.

[Christine]

Of course his girlfriend said that.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Christine]

She had to know. She's a mental patient.

[Jay]

I would argue she doesn't. I would argue she doesn't know.

[Christine]

I would. There's no way.

[Jay]

Facebook typing.

[Christine]

But here's the thing. There's no way they didn't talk on the phone.

[Jay]

Of course.

[Christine]

And there's no way that she has an act like that. You can't just, for two years be good and then that happens. You know what I mean?

[Jevin]

You never seen her drunk.

[Christine]

What?

[Evelyn]

They never got together.

[Jay]

They've never been together, so.

[Christine]

Yeah, but she's been together on a Saturday. They're best friends. Jay, that's her best friend.

[Jay]

They've never ever been in presence of each other.

[Christine]

You never. She's never cheated on Monopoly. Go. She's never caused a t. She never lost her mind drunk on a Saturday night on Monopoly. Go.

[Jay]

Dude, I was. The joke. I was making with that.

[Christine]

That's even more scary. If she's never, ever done anything. And then this is the first thing with a human being live. And she's. That's scarier.

[Jay]

I was saying when she came, she was like. She was the only one who cared about me when I had my cancer treatment. She goes, she put a hotel on Baltic Avenue for me. She kept collecting the rent on the railroads. And all of my 200 pass goes.

[Christine]

Keep making fun of her.

[Jay]

You have to be. You have to have the shittiest person in the world, the only person who's there for you when you. You go. The fact that your family couldn't put it past. Couldn't put anything you did behind them, that you just had a tumor pulled out of your fucking brain. And they go, go talk to your Monopoly friend.

[Christine]

Yeah. But now they go, hey, go talk to your Monopoly and stand up comedian friend.

[Jay]

Dude, I told her we were friends eight times and high fived her.

[Christine]

And you are.

[Jay]

And that is bond in this lunatic's world.

[Christine]

You are her choice comedian now. I hope she starts following you like the dead, poor husband.

[Evelyn]

What's up?

[Christine]

Yeah, well, what are you gonna do, man? Look at that.

[Evelyn]

But I mean, he wanted. The thing is, Jay, he wanted to be there, too, which is sad. Like, he. He got the message, but wanted to be there.

[Jay]

Yeah, I agree. No, I said that, too. He wanted to be There he was hoping that her bullish. Bullish. I guess, behavior was gonna have him catch there, but because he would just. It was on light suggestion, he would go. I think they. I mean, it almost be like, hey, you guys have to go. And he'd be like, I think he's saying, we have to go. And she's flat out going, no, he's not. It was. It was crazy.

[Christine]

Well, yeah, because his family is in a basement somewhere.

[Jay]

We got. We got fenoa. I only have a few minutes here for break, so I want to make sure we get this in. Because Mikey had a good thing. I didn't see detail, because I didn't. Mikey didn't know who they were yet either.

[Christine]

Hi, Mikey.

[Jay]

Mikey there, buddy.

[Glenn]

Hey, guys.

[Christine]

How are you?

[Glenn]

What's up?

[Jay]

So am I correct that the thing. The dealing you had with them was before they came in the green room at all? Right. Like, you didn't know that was the guests?

[Glenn]

No, I had no idea. World's best fans.

[Jay]

So tell them what they did to you. And you had the. Your merch set up.

[Glenn]

So I was set up. Bobby, you know how, like, right outside the green room door, there's, like. Like, the hallway to go out. Everybody leaves out the back?

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Glenn]

I'm set up over there. I got my whole thing set up. I'm neatly folding my T shirt, stacking my stickers.

[Christine]

Because you're a man. You're an honorable man.

[Glenn]

And I. Yeah. And I'm standing over there, and she walks up first and just hacks a loogie. She goes like. Like, oh, God. While her boyfriend or husband or whatever starts rifling through my.

[Jay]

Oh, no.

[Glenn]

And he's going, is all this free?

[Jay]

Oh, my God. He asks after everything. He opens. He opens, like, the shirt up completely and just lays it. Yeah.

[Glenn]

And opens the shirt, shakes it open, looks at it, like, knocks the. Like. Like Jenga tower knocks over my stickers. He goes, are these free? Is all this free?

[Jay]

And I go, no.

[Glenn]

And then he goes, I don't want it. And he's like, put it back down.

[Jay]

And then he just put it all down and went out and just walked away. And then, by the way, walked two steps to the right. His left. And then I opened the door to the green room, and they were like, these are your guests. And I was like, get in here, you guys.

[Glenn]

Right away, yo. Right away. My. My spidey. My spidey sense was like, yo, these people suck. So I walk out towards the front, and I call Jay. Like, later on, I tried to get him out of there. I go, do you want me to rescue you? And he's like, no, no, no, I'm outside. It's cool, whatever. Because I think like you found a way to escape them. So I think you were trying to get them to leave.

[Jay]

I had them outside. Down that little. Down the stairs. Yeah, yeah. But I was like. And they're getting ready to go. But I'm telling you that was right before I got the. Can you give me the nefarious music again, please? The evil, evil music? Yes. We're not cousins. We're not cousins at all.

[Glenn]

You liars. They Kaiser Soze, do you?

[Jay]

Dude, I was told to tell you I was her cousin, but I'm not because see, you're just a close friend of hers. I've never met her. I've never seen her before in my life. She has no idea what I become.

[Christine]

She knows I'm just a thimble and she's a shoe.

[Jay]

No, listen, I always said I want to give people benefit of doubt. She has a. She has a 2 year old I guess at home or something. She's out there, she's cutting loose. But I mean she should stop drinking. That's. It does. It's not any better than that any other time.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay]

You know, I mean it's just. Doesn't that handle the guy? Unfortunately for him, he was just fucking ate the shit while she just.

[Christine]

Because she's probably. I've dated girls like this where they're.

[Jay]

She hits them. Yeah.

[Christine]

No, sexually, it's awesome. No, you have.

[Jay]

No.

[Christine]

Why is she that she look. I mean this photo that you're showing me looks her juicy jugs.

[Jay]

It's one of two pictures she's posted to the world.

[Christine]

She got nice lips. Her eyes are psychotic. But it's one big and green.

[Jay]

How many pictures you have? It's one of two pictures she gives to the universe.

[Christine]

Okay, so she doesn't. And the other one is spiders.

[Jay]

Right?

[Christine]

Okay, that's terrifying.

[Jay]

Two pictures so she doesn't look this picture and spiders.

[Christine]

She's not this cute. She's not this cute.

[Jay]

What? I mean that's. That's a little more.

[Christine]

That's cute.

[Jay]

Bobby.

[Christine]

What?

[Jay]

We were on such the same page today.

[Christine]

All right, let me ask you a question. You don't think that's cute?

[Jay]

It's one of two pictures she gives to the world.

[Christine]

I like the little. The little shirt with the little gold bobby.

[Jay]

You like trash dude. You like. But not just. I'm not talking about trashy, buddy.

[Christine]

I do I will. I'm gonna.

[Jay]

A slut wouldn't wear that shirt.

[Christine]

I want a slut. Trashy bitch.

[Jay]

No, that's not what that is. This is. This is. This is fat slut shit.

[Christine]

I want a fat slut.

[Jay]

Okay. All right.

[Christine]

I am meeting it right now. A fat slut is in my wheelhouse. I haven't had sex in a year and a half. I need something. Oh, you. I will lower it all. I will bring it down to the gut.

[Jay]

Maybe.

[Glenn]

Maybe Glenn can give you her number.

[Christine]

Because we wind up killing each other.

[Glenn]

I mean, I know what the best thing was. You want to know what the best thing?

[Christine]

Her vampire widow peak.

[Jay]

Eddie Munster.

[Christine]

She really does have Eddie.

[Glenn]

Monster widow was on stage. When Jay was on stage for the second show, the club was getting calls that they were hanging out in the bike lane outside.

[Jay]

They were.

[Glenn]

They were, like, lurking.

[Jay]

They were kicked out, I think, right?

[Glenn]

Yeah, they were kicked out because they snuck back in.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Christine]

So they snuck back in. They tried to hang out outside the club. Okay. And they. Then they kicked them out. Did they kick them out for being in the show, being unruly? Or they just kicked them out because they came back in?

[Jay]

Maybe they realized they came back in, they didn't have tickets or something. I don't know. But something would tell me.

[Glenn]

They headed back to the green room. They headed back to the green room. Oh, yeah, they were. They were road crew.

[Jay]

Yeah, they was. It was nuts. But they. Yeah, they were kicked out. And they hung outside. Yep, they hung out. I said we were. They were there up to about 45 minutes after the show.

[Christine]

Wow.

[Evelyn]

That's just how you get backstage. Act like you act like you've been there before.

[Christine]

Hey, Mike, real quick. You don't sell the stickers, though. Those are free, right?

[Glenn]

Yes, of course.

[Christine]

Okay.

[Jay]

Hey, all this. You heard it here first, everybody. For the next two months, all Mike's merch is free. Everything's free.

[Christine]

Just go up and grab it. But you don't get to pick the size.

[Jay]

Unfurl it.

[Glenn]

He throws a shirt. He throws a shirt in the air and then grabs everything off the table to distract anything.

[Jay]

You want to plug Mikey.

[Glenn]

Glenn's phone number.

[Jay]

Nice.

[Glenn]

Is no.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Glenn]

Follow my podcast. Are we old at Mike Finoya? And I love you both.

[Jay]

Hell, yeah, I love you, buddy.

[Christine]

Love you, Mikey.

[Jay]

Bye. We'll be right back with more Bonfire after these messages.

[Robert Kelly]

Never break.

[Jay]

Hey, everybody, it's Rob Lowe here. If you haven't heard, I have a podcast that's called literally with Rob Lowe, and basically it's conversations I've had that really make you feel like you're pulling.

[Christine]

Up a chair at an intimate dinner.

[Jay]

Between myself and people that I admire. Like like Aaron Sorkin or Tiffany Haddish, Demi Moore, Chris Pratt, Michael J.

[Christine]

Fox.

[Jay]

They're new episodes out every Thursday, so subscribe, please, and listen wherever you get your podcasts.

[Christine]

How many discounts does USAA Auto Insurance offer?

[Jay]

Too many to say here.

[Christine]

Multi vehicle discount Safe driver discount New.

[Jay]

Vehicle discount Storage discount.

[Christine]

How many discounts will you stack up?

[Jay]

Tap the banner or visit usaa.com autodiscounts restrictions apply.