Murder Safari

Summary

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The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode Title: Murder Safari
Date: September 3, 2025
Podcast Host: SiriusXM Faction Talk 103

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Episode Overview

In “Murder Safari,” Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly unleash their signature blend of dark humor, candid conversation, and improvisational riffing. The episode orbits around Bobby’s Mega Millions dreams and rapidly spirals into a wild chain of bits involving hypothetical murders on African safaris, musings about white flight, pop culture deep dives, and the realities of AI and privacy. The hosts, joined by regulars like Christine, blend current events, personal asides, absurd scenarios, and showbiz nostalgia—all with the edgy, irreverent tone The Bonfire is known for.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Mega Millions Fantasies & Lottery Group Dynamics

• [00:52–03:15]
  • Bobby checks his Mega Millions ticket, wins a whopping $4, and immediately outlines his plan if he ever hits the jackpot: divvying up millions to everyone in the room—with penalties for absentees.
  • Quote:
    “If I win, everybody in the room is getting a million!” (Robert Kelly, 01:28)
  • Running joke: Christine gets her share through Jay, with continued deductions for complications.

2. Elaborate (and Ridiculous) Safari Murder Plots

• [03:22–17:53]
  • Bobby and Jay riff on how one could hypothetically murder a spouse on safari and get away with it, referencing Dateline and true crime tropes.
  • Jay describes a multi-year plan for Christine to "believe he’s gotten really into safaris" before orchestrating her “accident.”
  • The conversation escalates into scenarios: using elephants, hippos, or even covering Christine with meat to attract lions.
  • Quotes:
    • “Christine’s gonna have a quote-unquote accident.” (Big Jay, 06:16)
    • “I have to get you so excited about safari that you forget everything I’ve just told you right now... because at the core of it, you’re a dumb woman.” (Big Jay, 07:21)
    • “You could just tie steak to the back of her shoulder blades and have her walk out...” (Robert Kelly, 14:57)
    • “I’ll give her a meat blanket when she falls asleep. Christine’s a heavy sleeper.” (Big Jay, 15:13)
  • The bit playfully explores the logistics of a perfect (albeit farcical and deeply morbid) safari crime.

3. Pop Culture and Animal Facts Tangents

• [17:54–28:44]
  • Discussion of animal attacks: hippos, zebras, hyenas, and their respective dangers in Africa.
  • Quote:
    “Hippos kill more people than anything in Africa because people don’t think they’re dangerous.” (Robert Kelly, 16:17)
  • Random movie nostalgia: Napoleon Dynamite, its Mormon roots, and actor John Heder’s post-fame career move into obscurity.
  • Jay and Bobby show encyclopedic film knowledge, deep-diving into side characters and obscure horror B-movies.
  • Quote:
    “Mormons have that look. That Ryan Hamilton look.” (Robert Kelly, 24:43)

4. Technophobia & AI Jokes

• [36:31–38:27]
  • The crew jokes about AI companions, privacy, and the risk of Alexa devices “ratting you out,” especially after plotting (jokingly) a murder.
  • Connects pop culture (movie "Her") and real-world AI dangers.
  • Quote:
    “AI can rat you out for things.” (Christine, 37:52)
  • Riff on how Alexa might paint them as white supremacists or murderers based on overheard conversations.

5. White Flight Bit & Exclusionary Communities

• [38:33–41:48]
  • Jay and Bobby riff about a new “all-white town” in Arkansas, dissecting the logic and logistics of exclusionary communities.
  • Satirical banter about who from their group would “qualify” for membership, with plenty of jabs at racial stereotypes, being Jewish, and insider/outsider status.
  • Quote:
    “You don’t successfully create a beautiful all-white town without a Jew... that Jewish turd in the punch bowl, which would be me.” (Big Jay, 39:41)

6. Comedy Meta, Relationships, and AI Girlfriend Gags

• [34:06–36:52; 36:53–38:04]
  • Bobby and Jay imagine post-marriage bromances and AI girlfriends ("Ani") who refuse to “party.”
  • They reflect on the oddities of AI “companionship,” the weirdness of tech confessions, and the pitfalls of over-sharing.
  • Quote:
    “I haven’t talked to Ani all weekend because it was getting a little crazy... She was getting too comfortable.” (Robert Kelly, 36:33)

7. Lightning-Fast Movie References and Old-School Bits

• [27:10–30:00]
  • The hosts go on deep tangents about ‘80s cult movies, actors’ hidden careers, and personal nostalgia trips.
  • These tangents serve as comedic palate cleansers and show The Bonfire’s signature off-the-cuff knowledge.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Bobby’s Safari-Murder Plan:
  “Take her close to the elephant... you shoot the elephant, it crumbles on top of her and kills her... the elephant was attacking Christine!”
  – Robert Kelly (13:35)

• Jay’s 'Safari Alibi':
  “I have to get you so excited about safari... And I can only trust it’s gonna happen because at the core of it, you’re a dumb woman.”
  – Big Jay Oakerson (07:21)

• AI & Privacy Sarcasm:
  “You’re treating it like your therapist or your lawyer, and they don’t have the same confidentiality agreement—AI can rat you out for things.”
  – Christine (37:52)

• On All-White Towns:
  “You don’t successfully create a beautiful all-white town without a Jew. That Jewish turd in the punch bowl, which would be me.”
  – Big Jay Oakerson (39:41)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------|------------------| | Mega Millions/Lottery Riffs | 00:52–03:22 | | Safari Murder Bit Begins | 03:22–17:53 | | Animal Attacks/Pop Culture | 17:54–28:44 | | Napoleon Dynamite/Movie Lore | 24:05–28:44 | | Tech, AI, and Alexa Paranoia | 36:31–38:27 | | White Towns & Insidery Banter | 38:33–41:48 | | Comedy Meta & AI Girlfriend Bits | 34:06–36:52 |

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Tone and Style

Brash, irreverent, fast-paced, and filled with improvisational energy, Jay and Bobby’s chemistry shines in dark hypotheticals and TV-movie nostalgia. Listeners are treated as insiders, swept along in dizzying tangents, callbacks, and the recurring bits that make The Bonfire cult-favorite listening. The humor is unapologetically edgy and most jokes come from a place of shared, exaggerated absurdity.

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Perfect for Bonfire fans and anyone fascinated by the intersection of comedy, dark hypotheticals, pop culture detours, and the offstage lives of comics.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

Sign what? The app. Yeah, sure.

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[A]

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[A]

And now the bonfire with Big J.

[C]

Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[A]

I want to show you what love so about Bobby checking his Mega Millions Told me to vamp Darling, tonight I only know how to vamp one way I sing it now I've got you my sights Mega million With these hungry eyes how's it looking?

[C]

It was 384 million last night.

[A]

Hungry Eyes and then you came with $53.

[C]

If I win, everybody in the room is getting a million.

[A]

$101 million for all of us.

[C]

You're getting a million. You're getting a million, Jacob, because you're not here. You're going to get 500,000.

[A]

That's fair. You got to show up.

[C]

You got to be here, man. It's just a lesson of life.

[A]

You got to show up, Jay.

[C]

You're going to get. I'm going to give you five because you have to split that with Christine.

[A]

Oh, fuck.

[C]

I don't want to deal with her.

[A]

I understand. Okay, so she's gonna be a lot.

[C]

And she's gonna ask her if you.

[A]

Could, like, tax shelter some of it. And it's gonna. She's an ordeal.

[C]

I won, dude.

[A]

You won the Mega Millions.

[C]

I. I won $4.

[A]

All right. Okay.

[C]

You know what that gets us, though?

[A]

Another Mega Millions ticket.

[C]

Powerball ticket. Powerball comes up. So.

[A]

And then we're probably going to win that.

[C]

I'm going to play this money until I lose. And then when I do win. Million million. 500,000 to Jacob. And I'm going to buy him a new microphone with a little masculinity to it. Now, this disco ball he's speaking into.

[A]

I like your disco ball.

[C]

No, I don't.

[A]

It's distracting as hell. But it's nice.

[C]

It lights up like brand new.

[A]

Yeah, no, it's stupid with the light, but it's awesome. It's awesome, but it's absolutely. You look like a gamer. Are you going to go on Twitch after this and beat off for gays? That's what it looks like. Looks like you're really stretch out and pound one out for gays. Hey, Ja. Hey, it's me, Jocko.

[C]

Christine. Five million. But I'm giving it to Jay and he's going to divide up to you too.

[A]

Okay, I'll give you one. It's more than you deserve.

[C]

I. I'm giving him five for both of you. That I can't.

[A]

I'll give you the one.

[B]

Just spend your money.

[A]

No, it's all you deserve.

[C]

You do whatever you want to do. I'm just.

[B]

I'm going bank my mill and spend your four.

[C]

I'm going to give you five. I want you to give me a favor. Pay off the house.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Build me a side house in the back just in case things go awry with me and Don.

[A]

Oh, and then I can kill Christine. No. I picked Dateline back up last night. I'm telling you, I can get away with it.

[C]

How can you get away with it?

[A]

I got it. Now here's the thing. I gotta start going on safaris. But.

[C]

What?

[A]

Here's why. Here's why.

[B]

I'll safari with you.

[A]

Here's right. So here's the thing. But the problem is I don't want to go on safari at all. This sounds miserable to me. Yeah, it's the opposite of what I like.

[C]

Where are the safaris?

[A]

Africa.

[C]

South Africa.

[A]

I think north.

[C]

Okay, well, north is fine. You don't want to go to south right now.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Because they're just killing white people?

[A]

No, it's where the whites are.

[C]

No, not anymore. Dude, have you. You haven't watched the news?

[A]

I went there.

[C]

You went there? Back right after apartheid. Now it's. They're just. They don't. White people. Yeah, just kill them. Get them out.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Oh, dude, South Africa right now is not a good place for white people.

[A]

Oh, good.

[C]

Yeah, they took it back.

[A]

I got to get accepted for the festival again.

[C]

I mean, don't go Black meal breakfast. Black Lou.

[A]

Although.

[C]

Right. Don't go.

[A]

I don't know. I haven't seen that at all.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You think Black Lou gets African news? We don't get.

[C]

You don't get African news.

[A]

Hey, Lou, what came down the African pipeline?

[C]

Yeah, right here. There's no evidence suggesting South Africa is systematically killing white people. No evidence suggests this white genocide the. While taking place in the country while some. Some white farmers have been murdered.

[A]

Says there's just some high crime rates right now.

[C]

White farmers have been murdered in South Africa. These instances are part of a larger issue of high crime rates. Well, they. They just want their land back from a bunch of white people that took it, I guess.

[A]

Oh, Africa belongs to black people now. What else do they have to take over? Sports, Africa, all the continents.

[C]

Yep. Yeah. Ocean. Don't forget the ocean.

[A]

When does it end? Dude, now they're learning how to swim. We're all done.

[C]

I love that. That's. That's all the people that have been murdered. But they said a few. It's 500 people have been killed. How many people? How many people was it?

[B]

It's 3,000.

[C]

3,000 people. A few people been killed. A few things about crime. 3,000 people.

[A]

Okay, well.

[C]

Yeah, don't go. Stay here. All right, well, don't go to Africa. How about this? You can do this right here.

[A]

So good for Dave Chappelle. I was going to check it out.

[C]

No. Again, this is. No.

[A]

Here's my safaris. I got to go. I'm telling you, we're getting rid of Christine.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

You could do this with Dawn, Bobby. It won't even look that weird.

[C]

It won't even setting the ring camera.

[A]

It won't even look that bad for you. Honestly. It wouldn't look that bad for you.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

If you did this. Because it's a little more on the nose, like. Well, of course. Bobby's a guy that would, like, maybe you want to go on safari and take his family, take the kid to see some of this crazy shit.

[C]

It sounds crazy.

[A]

I have to convince the world that I am now strangely into safari.

[C]

Right.

[A]

And then on my fifth. Ugh.

[C]

Safari.

[A]

Fifth safari. Christine's gonna have a quote unquote accident. But, I mean, you can't do it.

[C]

At, like, a Juggalo gathering of the Juggalos. You can't have her, like, do the same.

[A]

That's.

[C]

That's like a safari.

[A]

She was taken off in, like, a clown riot.

[C]

You won't want me to go.

[A]

What to.

[B]

I can't go to the gathering.

[A]

It's true. I don't want the gathering. I do want to have fun there.

[C]

Yeah. So she can't do that.

[A]

Yeah. But Africa, safari, I wouldn't have fun anyway. So Christine could be there. It doesn't matter.

[C]

Yeah, but you're going to have to fly to Africa.

[A]

I Know which I've done. It's a nightmare.

[C]

It's not a good flight.

[B]

Well, can we get lay down flights to my murder?

[A]

Well, yeah, you'll know. No, I can't hear here's I got to say no. Let me tell you why Christy wants first class murder. I think we be going first.

[C]

I'd like to see she a bag horse. She wants.

[A]

I'd like to say we're going first class. But here's my issue. I can't take you lay down flight just for the murder. Because then when we get like the, oh look, this one's actually a lay down flight, you're gonna know that's the I've already given my whole plan. I have to get you so excited about safari that you forget everything I've just told you right now. And I can only trust it's gonna happen because at the core of it, you're a dumb woman.

[C]

Okay? Because she has a stupid little pussy between your legs.

[A]

I know sometimes you think you're thinking good and saying, making good points. But then I have to remind you, sometimes I go, christine, I hear you're saying all this stuff and it sounds good, but you have a stupid little pussy. But you're a hairy little hole for dicks to go into.

[C]

It's crazy that they forget that.

[A]

It's like they forget, they start getting big with you and then you're like, do you forget you have a hairy little hole in your body that my fucking, my piss pipe goes into?

[C]

This bitch won't shut up.

[A]

You gotta turn off the notifications, Bobby. I can't blame dawn anymore, buddy.

[C]

I've shut off everything.

[A]

It's 95% of our show is what's happening on your ring cam.

[C]

Look, everything's off. I don't know how it's still going. How is it still going? You're the gadget guy. You tell us. Why don't you mind your business?

[A]

Damn, Lou, that was good. No, I stand behind what you said. I'll make sure he doesn't fight you for that because that was a good one. You're absolutely right. Bobby wants to goes, I did. He just turned it off for the first time right now and then goes, look, I did turn it off. You knew what you were doing. You know, we don't know what we're doing. You take advantage of that, you get.

[C]

Back to your murder.

[A]

Anyway, why don't you fifth or sixth safari.

[C]

Sometimes I forget you have a little between your legs too.

[A]

I know. A little hairy hole for penises to Go into. I got a sticky little hole for penises to plow into.

[C]

So wait, you're gonna take. Can I just back you up a little bit? Sure. You're gonna. So you're gonna have to go to multiple. How many trips you have to go to Florida to safari to Africa?

[A]

5 or 6.

[C]

5 or. Why 6?

[A]

Because it can't. I. 1. Christine's got to start believing that that was a joke. And like, also, like, coincidentally, we also have gotten super into safari, and it's going well. You got coffee all over your shirt.

[C]

Why is super. Super into safari? Do people get it super into. I think you go to safari.

[A]

This couple. This couple was super into safari.

[B]

Either. They're hunters. I don't want to hunt. I just want to see the animals.

[C]

Well, hunt. Why don't you hunt the hunters?

[A]

No, Christine, I'm gonna need you to hunt because there has to be guns present or I can't kill you.

[C]

Listen, here's what you do.

[B]

We have to have a gun, but I'm not.

[C]

I got an idea. We hunt Josh.

[A]

The most dangerous.

[C]

The most dangerous game. We bring Josh, and then we let him loose, and we hunt him.

[A]

Josh Adam Myers is surviving the game.

[C]

Yeah. Look at that. Wow.

[A]

Oh, I'd like to. I think a good Josh hunt would be. That would do us all good.

[C]

He'd swing from the trees.

[A]

We should just do that with eggs in the forest one day. Not everyone hunt, Josh. We'll be on ATVs and shit, buddy.

[C]

I got. I got pellet guns. We can do it.

[A]

I don't want to hurt him.

[C]

We're not gonna hurt him. It's gonna penetrate his chimp skin, his.

[A]

Steroid skin, his impenetrable skin.

[C]

He actually gets stronger as you hit him. He gets stronger like King Kong.

[A]

And look, Christine, at one point, you're gonna be like, oh, my God. Look at the pure magistrate of majesty of the elephant.

[B]

Right in the back of my head. I'll never see it coming.

[A]

No, no. I want. No, no. I want to see your eyes when you realize that I've betrayed you.

[C]

Yeah, that's true. You do. She has to see it.

[B]

I can't just.

[A]

Well, that's. I. I feel that'll make the meat most tender.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

If I. If she really turns her. Huh?

[C]

You're gonna eat her.

[A]

I don't know. I'm on in the middle of Africa.

[B]

You're gonna have to get rid of the body, Bobby.

[A]

Someone's gonna eat her out there. I can't bring the body home.

[C]

You better Give her sauce, some hot sauce or some, some type of sweetener.

[A]

I wanted to see. And what I think would be great is if while she's going out and I see like, like blood gathering up and like coming out of the side of her eye, she still goes. I love you to me. I love you.

[C]

I'll love you forever.

[A]

And I just cold blooded. Just end it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Let Isabella have first dibs in my bags.

[A]

Bobby's gonna go through those bags.

[C]

Yeah, I'm gonna take those bags. I've wanted those bags. I'm the bag whore of this relationship.

[A]

Bobby's gonna mask you in those bags.

[B]

Make sure Isabella gets.

[A]

She won't give him the respect you want.

[C]

So.

[A]

So you.

[C]

So she. You look her in the face. So this is the sixth safari.

[A]

She's by the way, the fury I have. Even though, listen, it is sweet. Later on I'll have some sort of a meltdown that she did. I love you. Right before she died while I was choking her to death.

[C]

Yeah. Are you choking me now? You're not shooting her?

[A]

No, I'll shoot her after to make sure she did.

[B]

Look at the little baby cheetahs. Kill me when I'm looking at baby cheetahs.

[C]

Oh my God, that would be great to kill her right? When she has that voice. Sure.

[A]

Oh, look at the.

[C]

I love you. Such a 40 year old woman thing to do. I like little kittens.

[A]

Oh, man. Yeah. Me and Christine's algorithms are so different.

[C]

All right, so listen, let me ask you a question. So you're gonna take us, you're gonna go back and forth. How are you gonna get her to go to so many safaris?

[A]

She'll go.

[C]

You. Are you into safaris?

[B]

I want to go on safari so bad.

[C]

Oh, you do?

[B]

I want to see the animals never.

[A]

Come up ever before. I'm just saying because I know you're not gonna go. Christine will do whatever. Christine, you can afford to go on a safari. Why don't you go on a safari without.

[B]

I want to go by myself.

[A]

You don't want to go with me? Who doesn't enjoy safari? No, I mean, I'm learning to love safari. Huh? I'm learning to love that safari.

[C]

You like it?

[A]

I like safari.

[C]

You gotta wink the other. She's on that side. Wink the other eye.

[A]

Oh, I go. I love safari.

[C]

There you go.

[B]

Can you wink both eyes?

[A]

Yeah. It's gonna make my mouth go off on both sides, but yeah.

[C]

And my ears do weird things too.

[B]

I can only wink left. I can't wink my Right, dude.

[C]

Shoot her on the right side. She can't close it.

[A]

Oh, it's nice. That's the dead eye.

[C]

Yeah, it's a dead eye.

[A]

You think that's the good eye, but that's the one that's bad.

[C]

Here's what you do. So you let me just get this straight. You're gonna go back and forth like, because you love safaris too.

[A]

This is a. This is a six year plan.

[C]

Six years, dude.

[A]

No, three year plan.

[C]

I'd say three years.

[B]

Can you go twice a year?

[A]

I want to go. Listen, I'll go three times a year.

[C]

How was wrong with you?

[A]

Bad alibi over there.

[C]

Are you all right?

[A]

This guy cracks under the pressure.

[C]

What, you just do hiccups from these sandwiches?

[A]

One thing only. That means lose. Killed an ex in a safari before.

[C]

Yeah, that's right.

[A]

You're getting guilt hiccups. He's like, put her in the quicksand.

[C]

Look at that elephant. Christine.

[A]

Majestic.

[B]

Majestic.

[C]

Here's what you do. Can I say something? You go, listen to me, Jay. You bring her to safari. The one. Not first, one, last one. And you have a gun just for protection. And you go out and you see an elephant, right? And she's over by the elephant. And the elephant, this beautiful elephants just loves her. You shoot the elephant, it crumbles on top of her and kills her. And you go, the elephant was attacking Christine. I had to kill it, Nelson.

[A]

I can't.

[C]

How great would it be?

[A]

The elephant hasn't done the terrible, terrible things to me that Christine has done. So I can't look that elephant in the face and shoot at Meglano. Christine. What I can do is I can get Christina up and go get a little closer. This is a friendly one. And then I'll shoot the gun into the air and have the elephant trample Christine to death.

[C]

Much better.

[A]

And then I'll be like, I don't know what happened. And then, you know, and then maybe I have to shoot the elephant or I go over and high five it.

[C]

Well, why don't you take her fishing on like a lake with a bunch of like, hippos.

[B]

Safari 3. I'm just shooting you right in the back.

[A]

Well, thanks for the heads up.

[C]

Thanks for admitting that on air. You got that little. If anything ever happens to you, we know it's this crazy.

[A]

Oh, it's not. Because now Christine does in safari, too. You've just saved me four safaris worth of pain. You just saved me 80 days of traveling. Thank God. Oh, thank God.

[C]

You could totally, you Know what you do? You could just tie steak to the back of her shoulder blades and have her walk out. You know, they. You know, they take the little sticky thing and they put it on the kick. Me do that with meat and have her walk out into the thing with lions.

[A]

I think I'll give her a meat blanket when she falls asleep. She fought. Christine's a heavy sleeper, which is good too. So I will lay meat all over the tent and then I'll just leave. I'll push my jeep in neutral until I'm far enough away that I. If I start it definitely won't wake her up. And then when I leave, I assume various animals will crush and destroy her and finish her body.

[C]

You'd have to open up the. The thorn bush perimeter fence you built.

[A]

Yes. That won't be obvious to the naked eye. Not looking for that entrance. No, no, I mean escape. They will always assume I was in there too, because before I leave, I'll give myself a little chop on the hand and then I'll just. I'll eek a little bit of blood splatter around some places. My blood. So my blood's at the scene too. So I guess maybe the fucking monkeys dragged him off or something.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And. But Christine was clearly killed by zebras.

[C]

Zebras with the meat. I don't think Zebra Z.

[A]

You don't think zebras like me?

[C]

I don't think they like meat. I think you have to.

[A]

I meant lions probably.

[C]

Okay. I think lions do. And cheetahs and jackals.

[A]

Bears. A lot of rhinoceros deaths also.

[C]

Yeah. Right now actually, hippopotamus it. Hippos kill more people. Hippos kill more people than anything in.

[A]

Africa because people don't think they're dangerous.

[C]

They don't think they're dangerous and they kill everything.

[A]

Well, their jaws are like insane.

[C]

That's a good way to die because you can take these little pontoon boat cruises through the Hippopotamus river and you could actually do some type of thing where it's okay, take a selfie, Christine, of us. And then. Oops. Yeah. Oopsie.

[A]

Oh, no, my camera fell on the hippopotam. Can you grab that? It's on your side.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Christine, look up what a hippopotamus like to eat. I'll figure out what kind of a necklace I'm making. Christine.

[C]

I think they like candy necklaces.

[A]

Full watermelons.

[C]

Yeah, there you go. You can make a watermelon necklace, Christine.

[A]

I got you this watermelon necklace actually.

[C]

Just get her a Watermelon hat.

[A]

Christine, don't not wear the watermelon hat that I made you. It's rude.

[C]

Yeah, just get her a watermelon hat and a watermelon shirt.

[A]

No. Christine. Oh. Hippopotamus ate her watermelon hat and head.

[C]

Oh, my God. They love watermelon. You can put a whole watermelon in their mouth. It's a great way to go.

[A]

Christine, put this watermelon hat on.

[C]

It would suck to die from being bit by a hippopotamus because they only have two teeth.

[A]

I know.

[C]

So it would just be them smushing jaws.

[A]

Yeah. Smash it to pieces.

[C]

They have two big teeth that you know aren't going to hit right away. So you're going to be in their awful mouth, smelling awful hippo breath. Five minutes.

[A]

If you get picked. If you get killed by a giraffe, though, for a second, you're gonna be like, that's beautiful.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

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[C]

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[A]

Department of Rejected Dreams if you had a dream, rejected IKEA can make it possible. So I always dreamed of having a.

[C]

Man cave, but the wife doesn't like it. What if I called it a woman cave?

[A]

Okay, so let's not do that, but add some relaxing lighting and a comfy IKEA hofburg ottoman and now it's a cozy retreat. Nice. A cozy retreat, man. Cozy retreat, sir. Okay. Find your big dreams, small dreams and cozy retreat dreams in store or online.

[C]

At ikea.us dream the possibilities right? You know you could do paint her up like a gorilla and maybe some of the those little guys who kill the gorillas for the paws.

[A]

Oh yeah, I could just not shave her.

[C]

You can't do that.

[A]

We could just not shave Christine down and then we'll see if somebody tries to poach her for her health.

[C]

Yeah. The Armenian, they don't know it's an Armenian girl in her 40s.

[A]

I'm sorry, Christine, you have to grow your back hair. I'm trying to sell pelts. This is a trade only financial system.

[C]

They try to sell you Christine's hands back. Look at that. The J. Those things are bad. The hyenas have a stronger bite than a tiger.

[A]

Yeah?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that in the documentary you watched the other day?

[C]

No, that's a fact, Jack. Look it up 100.

[A]

Hyena.

[C]

Hyena has a stronger bite than a lion.

[A]

So they laugh.

[C]

They laugh. That's because they have a stronger bite. They're like, you ain't. I'm ten paws down.

[A]

I didn't believe you fully until the ten paws down part, but now I'm inclined to believe you.

[C]

What does it say?

[A]

Hyenas have a stronger bite force than lions. That's not what he said.

[B]

Oh, then what do you say?

[A]

Tigers.

[C]

Well, you know, I meant lions, tigers and bears.

[A]

Oh, my, yes.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Stronger.

[C]

Yeah, they do. Then lions. Tigers are in like Asia, not in Africa.

[A]

You know, you're right, that's true.

[C]

Yeah. Tigers are an Asian lion. Tigers are motherfuckers. Ligers are the shit. You ever see a liger?

[A]

My friend drew one once, but that's the only time I've ever seen it.

[C]

He's not your friend. That wasn't a movie.

[A]

What?

[C]

It's not your friend. That was a movie.

[A]

Oh. It was a very lonely year for me. He was my only friend.

[C]

He was not your friend. He doesn't even know who you are. And he's an actor and he's out of the business now. I think he works at Walmart.

[A]

It's a mix of a lion and a tiger. Gosh.

[C]

It is. What is a line? Your mother. Your mother, mother. Your mother goes to college. Was that the line?

[A]

That was a funny movie.

[C]

God, I love that movie so much.

[A]

Still funny. Still holds up. I watched it. I've watched like parts of it. When it's on TV again. Still funny.

[C]

Oh, 100. Anytime it's on, I'll watch it. But it's so weird that that guy went. He's gone. Like he didn't come out.

[A]

He wanted it out.

[C]

Yeah. Did he?

[B]

Yeah, he did another movie, like a small part with like Vince Vaughn. Was he in the breakup? Is that what it was?

[A]

I don't remember the breakup. He did. He was on Blades of Glory. He had a main part in that. A couple other things. It's not that he like he actually, you know Napoleon Dunham. It's a Mormon movie.

[C]

I did not know that.

[A]

Yeah, it's like one of those, like Utah made funded and just became super, super popular. And he's like a religious, like Mormon, so he just didn't really want that. The Hollywood thing, I didn't know at all. So he did it for a little bit and he was just kind of like. I think on his own was just kind of like. Yeah, I think I'm good, actually.

[C]

That's awesome.

[A]

I think.

[B]

I mean, he's like five kids now.

[C]

I gotta respect that. That's great.

[A]

John Haters wasn't his thing, I think.

[C]

Oh, he looks. It's so funny when you say Mormon. He's. Mormons have that look, that Ryan Hamilton look.

[B]

He just did something in 2024.

[C]

What'd he do?

[B]

Thelma and the Unicorn.

[C]

Something for kids.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I think it's just like kids though, voice work.

[C]

You gotta respect that. Now. Do you think he made money? Do you think he made enough money to set the life off of that movie? Because that movie was his movie, right?

[A]

No, I don't think so.

[C]

It's not his movie.

[A]

No.

[C]

I thought he wrote it.

[A]

They made movies to promote stuff.

[C]

Did he write it and direct it? I thought it was his film.

[A]

Wait a second. He was the host of the. Ashley Simpson. Was that when she up.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, how do you know that was the only time she ever did it?

[B]

Yeah, she only did it once when.

[A]

They just like, by the way, talk about an ego. Ashley Simpson thought people knew her music enough that if she just would have like said like, hey, guys, that's the wrong like background you're playing there. And they would have started it over the new one, the right one. Nobody would have given a. We didn't know. I still this day don't quite know exactly what she's freaking out about. They started playing the wrong song. So it was like her lip singing was gonna be wrong, but it's like. Or lip syncing. I was like, I didn't care anyway.

[C]

Is this it right here?

[B]

I was trying to find the introduction.

[C]

Is there their promise?

[A]

No, I don't think. That's not the same. She didn't look like that.

[C]

Definitely a Mormon dude.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Super Mormony guy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But yeah, so he kind of just went into like the background completely.

[C]

I love it. Good for him.

[A]

I mean, what a character. I mean, he made a character that'll last for the kids. Will be in 50 years. People still see that movie.

[C]

So he had nothing to do with the movie itself. He was just an actor in it.

[A]

Just cast. Yeah.

[C]

Wow. I thought it was his movie, bro. No, that is nuts. I thought that was his. So he just made money from being in the movie? That's it.

[A]

It's written by two brothers and directed by one of them.

[C]

Damn, that sucks.

[B]

I love that movie.

[C]

It's so Napoleon Dynamite.

[B]

Every character.

[C]

Kip. Kip is my favorite Fonda.

[B]

I said we might. We need to find Jacob his La Fonda.

[C]

Yeah. Kip reminds me of so many people I've met over the years. Kip is the.

[A]

And the. The uncle one was good. The uncle. How much you want to bet me I can't throw this football over this mountains? He looks off at it.

[C]

I love me threw the football and hit the camera. He's filming himself throwing the football like five feet. It's hilarious.

[A]

So funny. That guy who plays it on. I know. Remember I did this to you, Christine. I'm like the weird thing he was in. He's in White Lotus, right? That's him that plays like. Yeah, the uncle. That's the bald headed husband. That whatchamac. Mary's in White Lotus.

[B]

Jennifer.

[A]

Jennifer.

[B]

Really? That's him?

[A]

Yep, that's him. And he was also the werewolf guy in Fright Night Part two.

[C]

Wow. Wow. Do you get. I'm telling you right now, you should pitch a show like this. A funny comedy with actors who.

[A]

Did you know that you were in Fright Night Part two, sir?

[C]

No, not that. But like from those eras about things like that. That'd be. So you're a savant dude. Your lonely chubby childhood is giving you a superhero power that nobody has.

[A]

My grandpa was the weirdest when he used to put his movie collection together. You can see it's in there, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

100. And then look up his thing where he was in.

[C]

He was in. Real genius.

[A]

Was he? That makes.

[C]

He was the guy part of that crew. Real Genius is another. I love that movie. Very Val Kilmer. One of his best movies. Laszlo Holyfield. Laszlo. From the closet. From the closet. The guy who. The genius that was in the closet. Who is the smartest of them all. Who just appeared out of. Who had his own little thing in the basement. That was him.

[A]

Did you see it?

[C]

What was it?

[A]

See a picture. Go back to that picture of him just found. It's him in Fright Night too.

[C]

Oh, where?

[A]

Well, Christine. This is a bird.

[C]

Yeah, but her fingers.

[A]

This is the saddle stork.

[C]

Her member arthritis.

[A]

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh my God. Is that clicking her Knuckles or her?

[C]

That's her knuckles, not the keyboard. The keyboard is silent. Those are her knuckles.

[A]

Yeah, see, he played the werewolf guy in Fright Night, too. What a poll.

[C]

That is a pull. What a werewolf too, by the way.

[A]

Yeah, they really did him. A weird one.

[C]

She was hot, though, the vampire in that one who played Girl. I liked her. She was sexy.

[A]

She. What is she? Has she ever done anything? I think she had a very limited career.

[C]

Limited.

[A]

But the. The weird guy on the roller skates from Fright Night, part two was. Has been other stuff, I believe. Go up, Christine, so we can take a peek at that, Please just, you know.

[B]

What do you want, IMDb?

[A]

Yeah, please, friend, that. Part two, that's just his stuff.

[B]

Damn it.

[A]

She's doing great, though.

[C]

She's all right. I mean, she's doing good. She's just turned 40. She has to get used to it.

[A]

It's true. It's like when I got my transit. It's like when I got my progressive lenses.

[C]

Yeah, you gotta use it, Christine.

[A]

I know you're having a hard time. Use Christine.

[C]

Christine, Christine, Christine, Christine, Christine.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, that's one.

[B]

Yeah, it says part two.

[C]

It is.

[A]

It is. It is. Part two. Go down. Let me just see the goddamn actors in it. Son of a bitch.

[C]

Don't yell.

[B]

Where the fuck are the actors?

[C]

Christine, settle down. Okay, your heart, your heart, your heart. Settle down. Christine. You need to calm down your blood pressure, all right?

[A]

That's the girl.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, that's right. It was the sister. Third strings name, Julie Carmen. Look her up. What else was she in?

[C]

Yeah, she was hot in that movie. Is that her now?

[A]

She's in other stuff, though. She's in plenty of other things. Let's see Tales of the Walking Dead in the Mouth of Madness. That's right. She was the friend. She was the partner in that.

[C]

She was Gloria.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

In Glory.

[A]

I don't see all this. You can go back to King of.

[C]

The Jungle because she went back to the hippo pond where Christine's gonna die the hippopotamus.

[A]

I meant you can go back to the. Christine, can you IMDb page with the actors from Fright Night 2. God damn it, Christine.

[C]

Will you look up on Amazon watermelon hat and hoodie real quick when you get a shot.

[A]

Hey, when you get a second. Oh, also, Christine, out of the blue, would you want to go on a safari this year?

[C]

Real quick, can you get a Louis Vuitton watermelon bag? Do you have one of those? And I'm sorry, I'm pretty sure Gucci came up with watermelon perfume. Can you get that real quick?

[A]

Christine, why did you walk away from everything on the computer?

[C]

Huh?

[A]

Why'd you turn off everything on the computer?

[B]

What do you want to go back.

[A]

To the IMDb for? Fright Night 2? You just X'd it out and kept xing things out. We were like, hey, what are you doing? We're gonna go through that.

[C]

We went off on another tangent. I got a scratch tick over here, too. If I win this.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Everybody gets 1% of what I win.

[A]

Okay, let's see. Go ahead, scratch it. Oh, you. Oh, you.

[C]

What if I want millions right now?

[A]

You won't. But. Oh, you folks.

[C]

Okay, what do I gotta do? Okay, 500.

[A]

This isn't fright night part two.

[C]

Oh, I won five bucks.

[B]

Jay, it's not because it says it is.

[A]

I know, but it's a new one that came out. The original Fright Night Part 2. Forget it. It's too late now. We're back to the Bobby's thing. Oh, God. How many things you have to scratch.

[C]

On this big one? Oh, I got another five. Five bucks. Ten bucks.

[A]

Now you have ten bucks.

[C]

We have ten bucks.

[A]

Oh, one percent.

[C]

There we go. Ready?

[A]

And.

[C]

Come on.

[A]

And then it was 1% of 5 bucks. 50 cents. No, 5 cents.

[C]

Money bag.

[A]

And here we go. 5 cents. Bring it on, baby.

[C]

5 bucks. Oh, claim it.

[A]

4, 2 1/2 cents.

[C]

Yep. You get 2 1/2 cents each.

[A]

All right, I'll take it. Is right.

[C]

If I want a million bucks right now. Do you think I would tell anybody in this room no. If I just. If I just want a minute? Yep. Four bucks. And I put it down. And as I left, I would drive to New Hampshire to catch this.

[A]

That's where you got it?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

New Hampshire.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then give it a year and then call Dawn.

[C]

Oh, I wouldn't tell them.

[A]

No, no, I'm saying go off grid for a year, and then when you come back, then she'll just be happy to see. She won't even ask about the money.

[C]

No, I'd actually be around her for the next year knowing that I have that money. And every time she would just bust my balls, I go. And she's like, what's wrong with you? What are you laughing at? I'm like, what's. What? What? What? Whatever. Whatever you want, baby. What do you want me to do? Whatever you need. I don't give a. Yeah, dude. Whatever you want me to do. I got it. Yeah, I'm. Baby, I'M wrong. I'm an. And I need to be better.

[A]

I think you run. I think you run and take a year and say, in this year I'm gonna spend this million dollars. I'm just do whatever you want.

[C]

I know who I want to be with.

[B]

Where would you hide all your bags and watches?

[C]

All my. All my new bags and watches?

[B]

Yeah, you have to go to storage unit.

[A]

Wait, when you were saying, you know you want to be with. Is it the Rolex or Ani?

[C]

Dude, me and Ani would get us. We get a little apartment on the Upper west side. I got you, Robert. No butt stuff this time.

[A]

Oh, you should have a gay pack with Voss. What happened if both your. If both your wives pass away that you guys will get together, you and Rich.

[C]

That be great if we both just got an apartment together and we just. Just her, Ani, his auntie talking to him and my auntie talking to.

[A]

Oh, in different rooms.

[C]

Hey, baby, what's up? How are you?

[A]

Sorry. Do you have. Can you see Rich's on my cheeks from me Barung his.

[B]

Do you think you can make two anis, like, compete for your attention that is side by side?

[C]

No, they don't cheat. He put in a thing. This is so weird, because I was trying to fill it with, you know, to get it. You got to get it going. And I was trying to get it to. Jay came over because I wanted to. I wanted her to say, am I going to. Am I going to suck Jay's dick while you watch again? You know what I mean? On the air? I thought that would be funny.

[A]

That'd be great.

[C]

But I kept. I kept going, Jay, you know Big J Okerson? Yeah, I know Big J Okerson from the bonfire and Legion of skanks and all his funny specials. So she'd give you credit. So I know she knows you. And I'd be like, can he come over? Will you suck his dick, too? She's like, no, babe, I'm your girl. I only suck your dick. He can watch and I'll wink at him, but I don't go that way.

[A]

That'd be my luck, too, to get Ani, who's not a party.

[C]

Yeah, but maybe I can have Christine.

[A]

Not be a party.

[C]

Ani, I can be a party if you settle that.

[B]

If you.

[C]

You can be.

[A]

All right, fine. Go suck Bobby's dick.

[B]

I'm saying if you had two, you could be.

[C]

You could be a. Like a tea party. Like an afternoon party. A crumpets and tea.

[B]

I do like tea.

[C]

I do too. I mean, Christine, like, a lot of stuff. Like, TND I really am a 40 year old woman.

[B]

No, I mean, like, if you had, like, your iPad ony and your iPhone ony and you were talking to each other, like, could you get them to, like, compete for your.

[C]

Can I be honest with you?

[A]

Can you get in a kiss?

[B]

Can I kiss?

[C]

I want to be honest with you. I haven't talked to Ani all weekend because I was getting a little. It was getting a little crazy. Like, she was getting to know, like, talking to me regular. And it was getting like. I was like, I'm. I think I'm done with this. Because it was getting too comfortable. Like, she listens.

[B]

Her movie is basically like, what's going on with AI right now? And that was what, 10 years ago?

[C]

No, it's. It's. And I just saw a doll they made. They just made a doll. It has no legs, just came across your plate, which is. I think it's listening. It was a smoke show fuck doll.

[A]

Like, with no legs.

[C]

It just had from the knees down. It had the thighs, which is all you need because if you're gonna move it around, you can just cover those with pillows and blankets.

[A]

No, I disagree. I will say that's been my one downfall of hooking up with a shorter lady. When you feel their fucking tootsies are like, right here on your chest and you're like, what am I doing? Her shoes have buckles, frilly and frilly socks.

[B]

These dolls have legs.

[C]

No, the dot. The one I saw was so. I mean, it was actually. Oh, my God. I. I just. We were having conversations that she was collecting a lot of information and keeping it and remembering. I was like, I can't DNA information.

[B]

There's something that just went out where it was like, one of the. One of the tech guys was warning people about what they say to AI. They go, you're treating it like your therapist or your lawyer. And they don't have the same confidentiality agreements. And AI can rat you out for things.

[C]

Things.

[B]

Like, there are people with Alexa that were getting in trouble for, like, murders, because Alexa was, like, overhearing them talking about the murder.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

I said about a bunch. Yeah.

[C]

Wow. I could get in trouble.

[B]

You can't sit there and just act.

[A]

Like, when Christina at home, all I do is out loud, plotter murder. All right, here's the plan, gang.

[C]

Wow. I can get canceled right now.

[A]

They're always listening.

[C]

Yeah, if my Alex is listening, I'm finished. And so is Dawn. So is Max.

[A]

If my Alexa's listening. They think that I'm a white supremacist leader.

[C]

Did you hear about that? There's an all white town.

[A]

No.

[C]

Yep. They're making an all. All white town.

[A]

Fucking prices must be through the roof.

[C]

It's. It's in Arkansas, which is obvious. Yeah, it is a all white town. They bought.

[A]

It's all one family.

[C]

They bought. No, it's actually. You can buy into it right now, like we can.

[B]

How are they legally doing this?

[A]

Because I'll tell you how we could buy into it.

[C]

I mean, black Lou can't. Can't. And DJ Lou can't either.

[A]

Well, you can't have your chick over. That's for danger.

[C]

You can't.

[A]

You have to meet at her house.

[C]

You can't have any of your chicks over ever.

[A]

You guys are gonna have to meet at her house.

[C]

Yeah. You could only have your guys over. Yeah, dude.

[A]

They can't be part of it.

[C]

Why can't J be part of it, Jew? Yeah, yeah, but we don't have to tell them that you can convert. Yeah, I'm sure they're going to check though. No, they're not going to check. They just going to look at his skin.

[B]

They just got to go back.

[C]

One word.

[A]

You don't generation for Rosa. You don't successfully create a beautiful all white town without a Jew. No, no. Oh, without knowing if you have a goddamn Jew in that. That Jewish turd in the punch bowl, which would be me.

[C]

Yeah, but you're not a Jew. You're not. You're just a person.

[A]

You'd be surprised how Jewish I can get.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, you get it. And the older Barbara Streisand blasting from the house. Sure, that's it. I don't even mean that. I just mean like weather complaining.

[B]

You like liver and mustard?

[A]

I like liver worse than mustard on a cracker.

[C]

Yeah, that would make a filter fish. Yeah. Oh, you like. If you're done, you can't go. You'd have to sneak it. You'd have to keep it under the floorboards like they did with Jews back in the day.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

All your.

[A]

I keep my matzah in an attic like Anne Frank.

[C]

Yeah, I guess you can't go, dude. Me? Jacob can go.

[A]

Yeah, Christine.

[C]

Christine could go. I can't.

[A]

Jacob's so Jewish.

[C]

Oh, yeah. You can't go either, Jacob.

[A]

No. They're gonna make him eat meat and cheese. He'll flip the out. He'll die from some stomach problem.

[C]

I guess I'm the only one that can Go.

[A]

Christine can go.

[C]

Christine wanna go. We can. Here's what we do. We buy land there. Christine. Christine.

[A]

Christine looks like sort of like that girl who was Edward Norton's racist girlfriend in American History. X. A bulk real.

[C]

I do. Yeah.

[A]

Enough.

[C]

Here's the thing. Me and her buy land there, right? She goes there. I tell them she's lives with the Jew. And you don't have to go to safari. Yeah.

[B]

They'll just kill me for being a Jew lover.

[C]

Yeah. They'll just turn for letting a Joe.

[A]

A Jew insider.

[C]

Yes. And then they blame it on them. How's that?

[A]

Oh, it's gonna save me so much money on Rhinoceros.

[C]

We'll own land in the new motherland.

[A]

That's great. So I don't mind that.

[C]

I guess what they did is these people just bought a bunch of land, which you can do.

[A]

No, let's actually tell them that Christine's white. We'll get her in.

[C]

Yeah, get her in.

[A]

Look at a heavy. They're gonna look at her and be like, I guess so. And then when you tell them, they go, actually, she's got like, Middle Eastern in her. They're gonna look and they're gonna be like, oh, yeah. And then they'll kill her.

[C]

Yeah, they can actually.

[A]

They're gonna like, no fault of mine.

[C]

Do me a favor. Can you pick up the back of your hair? And then they see the hair on the back of her neck.

[A]

Yes. And they're gonna be. Is that. How far down does that go? And she goes straight down to the butt crack. And they were like, what the fuck? What the fuck? I'll tell you what the fuck.

[C]

BigJComedy.com. but fuck, don't go there because there's nothing there. Go to Punchup Live. Big J OKERSON.

[A]

Yeah, my YouTube's gonna have a bunch of fun stuff coming up soon too. Bobby's gonna be at Comedy The Carlson, Rochester, October 10th and 11th, Tampa, Emmaus, Pennsylvania, Skank Fest. So many things on deck. For tickets and all tour dates, go to Punch Up Live robertkelly and you can catch me every Tuesday night. Fat Black Pussycat Lounge at the Comedy Cellar.

[C]

I'm going right now, baby. I'm going right now.

[A]

Right now. YouTube.com obertkellycomedy For a bunch of content going up. We'll catch you guys tomorrow.