Naming Names with Kim Congdon

Summary

Podcast Summary: Naming Names with Kim Congdon

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly
• Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson and Bobby Kelly
• Episode: Naming Names with Kim Congdon
• Release Date: July 30, 2025
• Channel: SiriusXM’s Faction Talk, Channel 103

---

1. Tribute to Ozzy Osbourne's Passing

The episode opens with a somber discussion about the unexpected passing of Ozzy Osbourne, a legendary figure in the music industry.

• Bobby Kelly expresses disbelief: “The late, great Ozzy Osbourne has passed on. Timing. Insane. The timing of that is nice.” [01:30]
• Big Jay Oakerson delves into theories surrounding Ozzy’s passing, suggesting it might have been planned: “I have to assume this is a lot of people's theory is that it was like he had a date planned...” [01:45]
• The hosts reflect on Ozzy’s struggles with health issues, including Parkinson’s disease, and contemplate whether his departure was on his own terms.

2. The Trials and Tribulations of Testosterone Injections

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around the hosts' personal experiences with testosterone injections, highlighting both the physical and emotional aspects.

• Big Jay Oakerson humorously details the complexities of administering testosterone: “It’s harder than you think to get the thick needle for the testosterone...” [05:30]
• Robert Kelly shares his pragmatic approach: “I would have just overdosed on heroin.” [02:33]
• The dialogue touches on societal perceptions of masculinity and the stigma surrounding hormone treatments.

3. Encounters with Comedians and Celebrities

The hosts share anecdotes about their interactions with various celebrities, blending humor with candidness.

• Big Jay Oakerson recounts meeting Machine Gun Kelly (MGK): “He did a genre change because he tried to battle Eminem, and then Eminem bullied him right out of rap music.” [15:56]
• Bobby Kelly discusses his uncomfortable encounter with comedian Vincent d'Onofrio: “He steals your business in the scene...” [20:03]
• The conversation highlights the challenges comedians face when interacting with prominent figures in the industry.

4. Writing for Comedy Roasts: A Double-Edged Sword

Delving into the craft of comedy writing, the hosts explore the dynamics of writing for roasts and the associated frustrations.

• Robert Kelly vents about being exploited for his writing: “...they keep saying he's finished because they said Brian Cowan just keeps leaving...” [26:00]
• Bobby Kelly reflects on the compromises required when others use his written material: “They wanted writers. I'm like, you guys had writers. You make me look like a dumbass.” [26:37]
• Big Jay Oakerson emphasizes the personal impact of losing creative control: “Watching, like, what you wrote and you had a vision for, like, get massacred...” [35:03]

5. Pop Culture Commentary and Conspiracies

The hosts engage in lighthearted yet critical discussions about current pop culture phenomena and conspiracy theories.

• Big Jay Oakerson raises concerns about Wi-Fi safety: “...the government can spy on you through your Wi-Fi by using heat radiation.” [10:48]
• Robert Kelly humorously speculates on celebrity mishaps: “...children dying underneath your feet before you're set.” [11:16]
• These segments blend satire with genuine curiosity, showcasing the hosts' unique perspectives.

6. Navigating Fame and Personal Interactions

A recurring theme is the navigation of fame, both from the hosts' perspectives and their observations of others.

• Robert Kelly discusses the pitfalls of fame through personal anecdotes: “...the comedian sucked his dick today.” [41:20]
• Big Jay Oakerson shares his experiences with high-profile events and the absurdities that come with them: “She had to sell tickets still somehow...” [46:11]
• The dialogue underscores the often absurd nature of celebrity culture and its impact on personal relationships.

7. Guest Promotion: Kim Congdon

Towards the end of the episode, the hosts shift focus to promote their guest, Kim Congdon, highlighting her achievements and upcoming performances.

• Big Jay Oakerson enthusiastically announces Kim Congdon's tour dates: “She's also going to be performing at Patty Power Comedy Festival in Dublin, Ireland...” [59:39]
• Robert Kelly endorses her comedic talent: “Kimcongden.Com the funniest, one of the funniest comics around.” [60:02]
• The segment serves as both a tribute and a promotional piece, celebrating Kim’s contributions to comedy.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Bobby Kelly on Ozzy's Passing: “The late, great Ozzy Osbourne has passed on. Timing. Insane.” [01:30]
• Big Jay Oakerson on Testosterone Injections: “It’s harder than you think to get the thick needle for the testosterone.” [05:30]
• Robert Kelly on Writing Exploitation: “I'm never in the rooms. It's not really my thing.” [38:33]
• Big Jay Oakerson on Wi-Fi Conspiracy: “The government can spy on you through your Wi-Fi by using heat radiation.” [10:48]
• Bobby Kelly on Celebrity Interactions: “She refused to pay me my money...” [35:17]
• Big Jay Oakerson on Hosting Opportunities: “I'm big time behind the shirt of that idea.” [15:21]

---

Conclusion

In "Naming Names with Kim Congdon," Big Jay Oakerson and Bobby Kelly deliver a blend of heartfelt tributes, personal anecdotes, and sharp comedic commentary. From honoring Ozzy Osbourne's legacy to navigating the intricacies of comedy writing and fame, the hosts provide listeners with an engaging and multifaceted conversation. The episode underscores the challenges and absurdities inherent in the entertainment industry while celebrating the talents of their guest, Kim Congdon.

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Note: This summary excludes advertisements, intros, and outros to focus solely on the podcast's core content.

Transcript

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Christine Evans]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly. Oh.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sad day.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Rest in piss.

[Bobby Kelly]

Rest. Whoa, what rest?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Rotten piss. He's a prince of darkness. Yeah, you supposed to say rest in peace. Gay. Rotten piss.

[Bobby Kelly]

So sad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ozzy Osbourne. Breaking news, everyone. If you don't have a phone.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you don't have a phone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you don't have a phone.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tv, social media.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Work in a warehouse with no signal anywhere. The late, great Ozzy Osbourne has passed on. Timing. Insane. The timing of that is nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you had a theory that was kind of interesting.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I have to assume this is a lot of people's theory is that it was like he had a date planned, that he was like, we're gonna do it Doug Stanhope, mom style. And they fucking did it because the families sent the whole message. I mean, like, he looked pretty terrible at the show, but I think he was just like, probably tons of pain. He's like Parkinson's and all kinds of shit going on. So he probably just on his own terms, like, fuck it, he should have been dead 40 years ago.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know though, because Norton is going out there to do Jack's podcast, which is in the house. Yeah, in the basement. They have a studio. And if they were planning his dad's death, would he. You know, I'm sure that's off now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you got to go biz as huge or else people are gonna know and be like, don't do this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It seems like when you get that old, it's the time to start doing heroin. I would have just overdosed on heroin.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. He should have probably. I bet it was something like that. Yeah, I'm sure it was.

[Robert Kelly]

Like a drug that felt good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just like go out. Yeah. Like a morphine. Until he just went to sleep.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like lethal injection in prison. Everybody is the Bonfire faction talk series xm103. I'm big j Okerson. That over there. I'm gonna start giving all your credits every time, Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Give them all.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Comedian.

[Bobby Kelly]

Keep going.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Actor.

[Bobby Kelly]

Actor. Go ahead.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Producer.

[Bobby Kelly]

Artist.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Artist.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Drummer.

[Bobby Kelly]

Drummer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And now, motherfucker. Writer. A broadcaster.

[Bobby Kelly]

Writer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Author.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm in the writing guild.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're an author.

[Bobby Kelly]

Author.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You put a book out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Fucking author. Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And now director.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now director.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Robert Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

Finally you're getting booked.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sorry. Hey, that's great. Hey, now you know that voice, Everybody. Returning to the show.

[Bobby Kelly]

I fucking love it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It is the great, hilarious, the mighty and powerful. She's in the sphere. So you have to say these things.

[Bobby Kelly]

Things you have to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I have to say when another sphere person's here. I know you don't get this yet, but when another sphere person's here, you have to call them powerful.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I gave her sphere gum and she almost turned it down.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, I loved it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay. I just broken.

[Robert Kelly]

If you're listening, I love your gum. Choo choo choo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What is that?

[Bobby Kelly]

This is Rogan gum. This is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it Rogan gum?

[Bobby Kelly]

This is. This is the gum that he choose for focus and energy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What is it?

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby took it out of Rogan's mouth.

[Bobby Kelly]

I took it out of his. Out of his pants. Out of his tight jeans.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You spit it in my hand.

[Robert Kelly]

He just saves the same piece on his bed every night.

[Bobby Kelly]

I stole it out bag.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm calling him. I'm going to tell him you said that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, it's okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow. Thank you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Rogan gums.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's Rogan gum sphere. You should know this. You're in the sphere.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

To the best of my knowledge, there's no such thing as a Rogan gum.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, apparently he's not in the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Where do you hear about this gum? From him. Because he's not chewing it on the show. You know, he's not going to chew gum.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's. He's talking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's not going to chew gum while he broadcasts. That's very unprofessional.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's talked about. First of all, he's not a broadcaster, he's a podcaster. It's different.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, okay. You could chew gum in broadcast.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can smoke cigars, chew gum, have a sandwich.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How can you now you just realize you put a piece of gum in your mouth.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't like this already.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're already.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're already fighting me on this gum?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is fighting you at all?

[Bobby Kelly]

This is Rogan gum.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I believe you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Am I right?

[Robert Kelly]

I've completely checked out. Can I vape or not?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, as a guest for sure. Now you're back in. Now she's focused.

[Robert Kelly]

Mommy's back, sweetie. It's nice to be back, boys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Good to have you back. What is this? More energy. Gum. I didn't realize. Gum. Good Lord.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, there's a lot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's too much.

[Bobby Kelly]

Too much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your gum shouldn't have too many other functions other than breath fresh.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, you are talking to two guys that inject their bellies more than anybody.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

More than diabetics.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's concerning how unafraid of needles I've become in the past, like six months.

[Robert Kelly]

You get used to it quick, huh?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Real quick? Oh, no, strangely quick. And I mean, even like the testosterone, one's like a longy thicky. And I could just look back and just.

[Robert Kelly]

You're so used to it, you push it in a little more just to feel.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No bullshit. It's harder than you think to get the thick needle for the testosterone. Like in. It's very sharp, so it goes in. But like, I really almost had to feel. You almost had to feel like your butt kind of push in before it goes through.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't like that at all, but I. It has to break.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I did it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why don't you go subcutaneous on the test? You go big needle to get the test out and then just put a smaller needle.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I come from a former steroid abusing stepfather, right. Who believes in anabolic steroids. And if you're going to do it, you got to earn. It's like. It's like. It's like going to sleep for your tattoos. You're not earning your tattoo, right? You got to earn it. If you want that testosterone coursing through your body, you have to rip it into your ass with a very, very thick needle.

[Robert Kelly]

Like a man, dude. Rip it into your ass like a man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just drill it directly up your ass like a man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Does Christine ever do your needle or do you do it all the time?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've done it twice, the testosterone. But if she's like, there, I could be like, can you just do it? Cause it's very Easy. Just easier for her to see if she's there.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll bend over.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I give her a little. I do this. I do the side cheek and I just push it out for her like that.

[Robert Kelly]

You toot it up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I give her the spot. Yeah. I give her a little tilt up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you have to pinch his little side cheek or do you have to just. Is there enough meat on it?

[Robert Kelly]

No, he's got meat, but it's.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's really thick.

[Robert Kelly]

I was like, is this like a really, like, thick, gooey serum?

[Bobby Kelly]

Testosterone. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't realize it was like that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's why really thick.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do the sub, but I need to use the thick needle, the big needle to get it out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because the little needle won't do it. And then I use the little needle to do the little belly.

[Robert Kelly]

Men used to go to war. Now they inject themselves.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes. So we can go to war.

[Robert Kelly]

You guys are going to war.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't you want me to be a super soldier if I go there?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't want me and Jay to be in front lines of. We're going to be rocking.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't even want the Middle east to think we have you guys.

[Bobby Kelly]

Me and Big J would only last three days without a testosterone sleepy. Three days into the war.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Guys, I'm fading fast. You think it's my lack of synthetic testosterone?

[Robert Kelly]

Quick, someone jerk me off, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I need a peptide fast.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, yeah. Then I went to.

[Robert Kelly]

You guys are throwing them like grenades.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay here is serenum.

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby, peptide. He's dragging you by his feet. I got you, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Me and Bobby are. We're. Even though I am in the sphere, I'm. My health dealings are all happening outside the sphere. I have to figure this out on my own.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My health things are happening through the Bobby sphere because the doctor who gave Wells to way. What is it? The doctor gave me stem cell cream yesterday. Yeah, dude, that's the doctor I've met through you.

[Bobby Kelly]

You met Dr. Gail, Dr. Gale.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I went to his office the other day to get my armpit Botox. And then it makes you not sweat under your armpits.

[Robert Kelly]

I gotta tell you, you guys have changed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

I still sweat under my armpits. I'm not there yet now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We haven't changed. I've been doing these things for a long time.

[Bobby Kelly]

You've been doing the armpit thing for a long time?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A couple years now. Yeah. It works. It's awesome.

[Robert Kelly]

But don't you feel like the sweat should come out. If it wants to, it will somewhere.

[Bobby Kelly]

Isn't that your body saying, I need to let this out?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Isn't like that? Like. Don't you think if it's not coming. Coming out, it's just like, bundling? Well, I think you're gonna get breast cancer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a maybe.

[Bobby Kelly]

Or breasts.

[Robert Kelly]

Or breasts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think it's sweat tits.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think it's a misconception that you don't sweat at all. I think you sweat salty tits.

[Bobby Kelly]

They starts coming out his nipples, his little nipple roots.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I start lactating. Spontaneous lactation by a man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jay's tits are always wet on stage.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you ever see a guy who can lactate?

[Robert Kelly]

I actually have my first boyfriend.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

Wait a minute. Stop. What?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, my first boyfriend could scare.

[Bobby Kelly]

Squeeze milk lactate.

[Robert Kelly]

No, my first boyfriend.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, first. Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Lewis probably could too. I feel like he has it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I feel like he has the heart to lactate.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lewis is definitely holding milk.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't understand that.

[Robert Kelly]

This was my mother's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's all she ever left me.

[Bobby Kelly]

And now I'm leaving it to Baby J. I freeze it in ice cube trays.

[Robert Kelly]

Sometimes when it leaks out, I push it back in just so I can remember her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We call them daddy's milk pops. You want one of daddy's milk pops, James?

[Bobby Kelly]

Calm down. Have a daddy's milk.

[Robert Kelly]

Come have a suckle of grandma.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But yeah, he used to lack that. It's fucking weird as shit. But also, I think I don't like. You don't not sweat at all under your armpits. It's just like sweat that's not gonna get over your shirt and shit.

[Robert Kelly]

Less sweat.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you don't have to sweat. You do sweat. You just don't sweat a lot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think so, yeah. I don't have marks on my shirts. That's the most important thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

But you know, Botox is like. Is. Is like a poison. Poison.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Everything's a poison. Just pick them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's true. It is all a poison.

[Robert Kelly]

We're breathing like WI fi or something right now. I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can breathe WI Fi?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I don't think you can.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You shouldn't.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think your brain should be like in. In between chemical equip. I mean, tech equipment constantly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, it. It definitely those. I think young Dylan scared me with that. He watched some video the other day about, like, just looking how WI fi works. Like, why you can go to one room in the same place and it's bad. It really is. Just like flying through the air and it'll walk away.

[Robert Kelly]

Government can spy on you through your WI fi by using heat radiation. They can see where you are in your house.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Someone's been in the green room with Kurt Metzger. Anyway.

[Bobby Kelly]

Somebody's really in this sphere.

[Robert Kelly]

You want me to call him?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Someone's been talking to Kurt.

[Robert Kelly]

It's so true though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

While he drinks, a white claw just comes in and starts laying it all on you.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. You've never seen that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hold on, let me.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me pull up the 15 minute video. Let me show you how there are children dying underneath your feet before you're set.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's true.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You don't think that's happening.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't think that's happening. Yeah, I guess I'm a fucking retard.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then he has a knapsack full of white claws. He's the best. He is the best.

[Bobby Kelly]

Kurt.

[Robert Kelly]

Blink.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. The problem. The problem of what's happened. The problem that's happened now with Ozzy dying and Malcolm Jamal Warner dying yesterday. The rule of threes. I always think the third's going to be Kurt. And then when it's not, I'm thankful that it's going to be another couple.

[Robert Kelly]

So funny that he's the third.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's always the third.

[Bobby Kelly]

I saw our conspiracy theory about Ozzy already. Yeah. That. You know the guy Youngblood that I like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

That Ozzy went into Youngblood sexually.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, get out style.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, get out style. That Ozzy went into Youngblood and became. Now Youngblood is actually.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but the WI fi thing is crazy that I said. It's crazy that they could see us with our WI Fi, but not that Ozzy went into Youngblood.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's very possible.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's very possible.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'd say equally plausible situations. I sure hope not. Because Youngblood bites shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's bite bat's head off.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he does. So like.

[Robert Kelly]

He does it.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, he does.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'd like to think that Youngblood would. Ozzy Osbourne would have never done a duet with the most poppy version of Machine Gun Kelly. Which is what? Your boy Young Blood.

[Robert Kelly]

I've never heard Young Blood before he.

[Bobby Kelly]

But he did it. He did. He was the cool part of that song. If you have to say there's a cool part of that song.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't have to say that.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't have to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Who has to say there's a cool part of that?

[Bobby Kelly]

But I'm saying if you had to.

[Robert Kelly]

You better say you're not going to inject you in the trash.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't have to, but if you had to, you'd say he would be the cooler part of that song.

[Robert Kelly]

Say it.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you had to put the song on if you had to.

[Robert Kelly]

If someone was gonna rape.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no. The one that he does with Machine Gun Kelly when he does Changes. I hate it at the Ozzy show because I hate that song.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you didn't like. Nuno was on that song. Nuno Betancourt was on guitar.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought it was great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The song just bore. I hate Ozzy's ballads.

[Robert Kelly]

Is this Young Blood? Oh, that's Machine Gun Kelly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, Machine Gun Kelly and Youngblood.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So let me hear his parts.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's coming up right there.

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby, do you love this song?

[Bobby Kelly]

I like it when they sing like this and they have an English accent.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Turn it up.

[Bobby Kelly]

And they start to swear.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hate when it's voice irritating.

[Bobby Kelly]

Here we go. Turn it up. Turn it up. The wrong with me.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no, hang on, hang on. If Ozzy went in that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Fly into the night, please. And smoke me loud.

[Robert Kelly]

No, hang on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't want Ozzy to be in the.

[Bobby Kelly]

Here it comes. This part.

[Robert Kelly]

Aussie.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hang on. Right now.

[Robert Kelly]

I do. I did.

[Bobby Kelly]

You do. You're in.

[Robert Kelly]

I do. You're in.

[Bobby Kelly]

1, 2, 3, 4.

[Robert Kelly]

You. Dad.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, she's in. Yeah, yeah. No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is like. It's like new skateboard music for a 40 year old. Learning how to skateboard.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it sounds like what you hear in Hollister at the mall.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's for divorcees. Learning how to skateboard. You know, I always wanted to skateboard. She told me I'd get hurt.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh my God, that's me.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't care if you think I can't skate now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, yeah, they're intolerable people. And now he's got an even poppier Machine Gun Kelly with that stupid song at the car wash. Oh, you think.

[Bobby Kelly]

He'S a poppier now? I think he's a little more rock and roll now. His latest album.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you think rock and roll is?

[Bobby Kelly]

Rock and roll is what? Rock and roll is what makes your heart go thump thump.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's what I'd say.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You consider rock and roll?

[Bobby Kelly]

Rock and roll makes your heart go thump thump. That's what I say. I don't know what the fuck you think.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm big time. I'm big time behind the shirt of that idea, but what you're saying is false.

[Robert Kelly]

Rock and roll makes your heart go Thumb.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, baby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's what makes your heart go thump thump Just rock and roll in the front it's what makes your heart go thumb thump in the back.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is. What is Youngblood's new song?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wait, hang on a second. This is MGK's thing. Resist now. Here's the thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

I gotta think he's a douche. I think he's a douche.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's a douche. But let me just say this because I'm gonna get called on it out there in the world. He did a genre change because he tried to battle Eminem, and then Eminem bullied him right out of rap music. And then he got worlds bigger just being handsome guy, like pop punk.

[Robert Kelly]

He looks like my friend, my friend Tyler from elementary school that I knew almost my whole life, who would cry all the time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Even when he was a man. He came to visit me in college and he accidentally rear ended my car when I was trying to show him where the parking lot was, and he cried and then I laughed at him. We got in a big fight and he left.

[Bobby Kelly]

You haven't seen him since?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I've seen him since. I had to block him because he kept saying the N word when I was stream on purpose.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice. I.

[Robert Kelly]

Sorry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sounds like a keeper.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, my boyfriend, he was my friend.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Guy sounds hilarious. Yeah, Bobby, you think? I'll tell you this with Christine. When me and Christine met MGK at the Pete Davidson thing. Movie. We met him at the thing afterwards, and Christine sat there and watched Machine Gun Kelly. Pay no mind to the things I was saying Pete introduces. I didn't go seek him out. He was like, this is Jay. He gave me a good, like, big ups too. He's one of the funniest dudes in the world, man. One of the guys when I started, like, I looked up to. And then he was just like, all right. And then I was like, I think we performed on the same bug. I mean, I was in the comedy tent, but we did a Rock on the range there. And I was giving him, like. I was like. I was like, got a fucking. That show was great, man. And he was just kind of like, yeah, yeah, all right. And I'm telling you, even with that, Christine would have jumped over me to suck his cock the second that happened. It did not deter her one bit. I was like, man, the guy was kind of a douchebag, huh? She's like, he's rocking that suit though, huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

Was he hot? Christine?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's the night.

[Robert Kelly]

Just really, like, interestingly dressed. Oh, yeah, she wanted to his brain.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh my God, try to suck his long skinny dick.

[Robert Kelly]

You know who MGK ed me that has the same energy as Jake Paul did the same thing I went to after one of the boxing matches in LA that Stylebender was commentating afterwards. He's like, yo, let's go to Jake Paul's party. We grabbed a couple friends and we go. And he is like trying his hardest to be like, this is my friend Kim. Respect her. She's like a real human with odds. And Jake Paul was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyways, like the whole night, Izzy kept being like, so my friend Kim's really talented. And he was like, cool. Anyways, so this is where I fuck girls. And this is my fish tank.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This fish tank has so much of my cumminant, it's crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I actually feed my fish come. You ever eat cum, Kim? Nevermind.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, just like a blow off.

[Robert Kelly]

Just like he couldn't give a fuck about anything I've ever done. Just saw right through me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you can solve that. People thinking that's part of your personality. In a minute conversation.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

In one minute conversation.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, I mean, if you. If he got. Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

I usually give people about a minute.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you do? What do you do? Where do you, you know, how do you know Adesanya?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know what I mean? Like, yeah, something. And you answer this question and it's like, all right. Hey, I got to. Sorry.

[Robert Kelly]

They're calling because he's like, his thoughts. He's like, oh, I sucked him off and got here.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm like, no, I actually know him. I'm a real girl. I'm a real person.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And he's like, izzy, do me a favor. Stop bringing Every girl sucks your dick in this.

[Robert Kelly]

No, she's my friend.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why will not you not listen to this, Bobby? You've had to have been chumped by. I mean, d' Onofrio fucking chumped you pretty hard. Stole your business in the scene.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, I was talking to Larry about that yesterday because we. We brought up d' Onofrio's daughter is married to Sean Penn.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Vincent d' Onofrio is. He's kingpin on the new Daredevil shows. He's. Do you ever see Full Metal Jacket?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah. Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's the one who blows his brains out. Okay, so he's that guy. He's famous. He was on Law and Order for a long time.

[Robert Kelly]

He mogged you.

[Bobby Kelly]

He was in. He was Men in Black. He was the cockroach guy, okay? He's a. One of the great actors.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's one of the greatest, which is why he probably is a great actor, because he just takes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He steals from.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I was. I was in Law and Order, and I was so excited that I booked a scene with d'. Onafrio. And I'm like, oh, all right, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, that's. I'm gonna say this might be the reason why he choked some d'.

[Bobby Kelly]

Onafrio d'. Onofrio. Whatever, dude. Oh, my God. He always does this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, this is a micro correction. I'm explaining this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nobody cares about the name.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm telling you why he.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nobody in here would have been like Leonardo d'.

[Robert Kelly]

Onofrio.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that would have fucked up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's why he treated you shitty.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't call him his name. I didn't even say a word to him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You go, oh, hey, Vincent d'. Onafrio, I love your work.

[Bobby Kelly]

Anyways. Anyways. Oh, my God. Fucking Jay sucks a dick. I. I hate when he micro corrects everything. Now. I did the scene with him, but I. You know, when you do a thing.

[Robert Kelly]

He'S all flustered for me because he always does it.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's always gonna micro correct everybody.

[Robert Kelly]

I feel like I'm in the middle of a divorce.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know he'll forget it. It's just a cunt detective.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you were playing a cop.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I was a cop. He was a detective. I was a detective. We had a dead guy on the table.

[Robert Kelly]

Were you guys trying to solve who ate the crafty table?

[Bobby Kelly]

So I walked in, and I'm supposed to do my scene, and I'm supposed to put my. I just walk in. I'm like, all right, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna put my arm. Hey. And I look at the. There's an actual actor on the table who's playing dead. And I put my arm on him. And every time we did the rehearsal, I would. I come in and put my arm. Hey, this guy, I'd say, whatever. He showed up on the blah, blah, blah. So when we shot the yell action, I walk up. D' Onafrio took my business, and he put his hand on my shoulder, and he went like this, and I went. And I was like. He took my business, and I almost.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Forgot the lines, and I'm team Bobby for life.

[Bobby Kelly]

So.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Vincent d'. Onofrio.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Or d'. Onafrio.

[Robert Kelly]

You.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know what?

[Bobby Kelly]

Vincent d' Ono d', Ono, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I say again, he seems like a guy that would be Bitchy about his name.

[Bobby Kelly]

He goes, well, I couldn't. I lost my voice the night before because that's when I was smoking butts. And I always lost my voice for some reason, because I'd be at clubs talking too loud. And I walked up to him and I was like, hey. I go. And he goes, hey, don't talk. Save your voice. So I didn't even get to talk.

[Robert Kelly]

He just didn't want you to talk to him.

[Bobby Kelly]

He didn't want me to talk to him. And then I got in trouble.

[Robert Kelly]

That. For your one line.

[Bobby Kelly]

I got in trouble with the dead guy because the dead guy was on the table. And in between takes, I looked down and go, how'd you get this gig? The dude got. So he just looked up. He goes, you. He's so mad. Oh, yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dead guy playing dead guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's funny that the. I've been douched by him, but I've been. I. I'm not good with celebrities. I'm not good with any of these people. I. I always get. I'm just not good talking to them. Dude, like, even, like Ray Romano, who's the nicest guy in the world, just ignored me at the table. And he. And he had a paper, and I kept saying this. He said something, and then I responded to it, but then I kept saying it, and he just shook the paper and to the point where I was like, I'm going to go. I walked outside and Colin Quinn was outside. He goes, I knew you'd be out in five minutes. He was literally waiting for me out front. He goes, I knew you'd. I knew you'd get uncomfortable and fuck it up with Ray.

[Robert Kelly]

You should have did the shoulder thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

This thing right here.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, Ray, that's my business.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I whiffed hard with a few John Mayer and Katy Perry whiffed hard with that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I whiff with John Mayer at the Cellar.

[Robert Kelly]

He's whiffable. He's a nice guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, I whiffed where I just.

[Robert Kelly]

Like, you can again.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it was. It was him and Katy Perry. That was it. I didn't know what to say to her. They sent me right next to her, and they said it was a no move. Noam said, they want to meet you. So what actually happened was they just told Gnome when they saw me walk by that they thought I was really funny. Like, they were. Like, they were complimentary when I walked. And he goes, he was. So. He wanted me to go over and talk to him, but so he phrases. They wanted to Meet.

[Bobby Kelly]

He set you up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When I went over there, they were fine to say hi to me, but no. Mike sat me down, but I had to run over to go host karaoke around the corner at the Village Underground. And I sat down. It was weird. They said, great job, very funny. And I sat there, weird. And I asked Katy Perry if she likes New York or LA better. And she goes, I like them both. And I went, okay. And I got up and left. I was like, I don't know what else to do.

[Robert Kelly]

Also, it's such a non comedian question for you to ask. You fully panicked.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's like completely panicked.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. That was like small talk that I.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wouldn'T even expect from John Mayer me one night, because I thought he actually gave me his number. When I met him, when he was friends with Sherrod, I was in, I don't know, Michigan somewhere. He was playing. I called him. He's like, hey, what's up, bro? I'm like, dude, I'm in. Blah, blah, blah. And he's like, I'm down the button. He goes, cool, we should get together. I go, all right, maybe we will. Blah, blah. Of course, never happened. But then I go back to the Cellar and he's sitting there and he's fucking doing something. And I fucked with him because he's. He was at that point where he's one of the. He's doing comedy now. So I walked up and I said something. He goes, what the fuck? Who are you? He went. He literally went, who are you to say that to me? And I went, I didn't.

[Robert Kelly]

Your Bodies are Wonderland. I love that song.

[Bobby Kelly]

I literally was like, I'm nobody. I'm not you. I regret it. I should have said, go yourself, you piece of.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm such a cheese. When I met. It's so funny how much Brendan Schaub has caught, like, in the world of comedy. Because when he first came to the Cellar and he just was. Came with Brian Cowan, like, hang out. And he was like, man, I really love your stuff. I was like, brendan Job just said he likes my stuff. So it's funny to start doing comedy and people gave so much.

[Robert Kelly]

That's so.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like, at one point I was just like, dude, this guy Rul, he likes me.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's weird. He did get a lot of. I mean, he still gets.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He doesn't even do comedy anymore either. He's like. He, like left comedy. They're still just giving him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but they're like, not funny.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He posts with his family.

[Robert Kelly]

Bad joke.

[Bobby Kelly]

They're like, Giving him boring. They're like saying his podcast is. Every week there's somebody going, he's finished. His podcast is over.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, they keep saying. They keep saying he's finished because they said Brian Cowan just keeps leaving and going on different vacations, like, every week. He's like, oh, I'm not gonna be here for the next seven episodes because me and my family are doing anything. El. But I don't know how true it is. I just watched all that.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. The rest of the show. Calling out people for being dicks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, let's do it.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, who's next? I do. You know what? No, I shouldn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go ahead, do it. No, do it. I'll do it. I'll do one if you do one.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't say a name.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll do one if you do.

[Robert Kelly]

But I will say there is a comedian who I wrote for. Okay, who stole, like, $10,000.

[Bobby Kelly]

Rich Voss.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There it is. Mystery stories.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, emotionally. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

$10,000 of emotions.

[Bobby Kelly]

You wrote for him on that stupid show. A comedy punch out. Remember the show we were on?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you were right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Comedy knockout.

[Robert Kelly]

I did not write on.

[Bobby Kelly]

You didn't write on that? You weren't there. Do you think? No, I thought she was the Indian chick. You're right.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that's so funny. Yeah, well, she's a good writer. I'll take it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wait a second. Are you not Suba Agrawal?

[Robert Kelly]

Nope, I'm not. Not.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you sure?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Yep. But I did get robbed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

$10,000. Now robbery in being unpaid.

[Robert Kelly]

Unpaid after agreeing to a payment. And then afterwards, I asked for the payment, and they were like, nah. And then I was like, can I have it again? And then this person who is, everyone knows here, famous shouldn't be, but is, like, not. Not deserved. Undeservingly famous.

[Bobby Kelly]

Five guys just shot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, she.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I had a feeling. I had a feeling.

[Robert Kelly]

She refused to pay me my money. And then added into the email an attorney who threatened to tell Netflix that I was difficult to work with if I came after the rest of my payment.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ooh, fuck.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow. So it's a girl, everyone.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll write it down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I want to gu. I want to guess with writing down. It's going to drive people nuts.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. Do you want to guess with writing?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm going to write three names.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you tell me if it's one of them.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay. I only have two in my mind right this second, but you're going to have the same ones. Bobby, I think.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me show me Show Me, show me, show me. No, he. We're probably going to have the same people.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We are.

[Bobby Kelly]

J. J's just saving me from Write.

[Robert Kelly]

Three and it'll be fun. I'll go. Yeah, it's one of the three.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me see. No, really.

[Robert Kelly]

No, really. More undeserving of.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I know who. I don't.

[Robert Kelly]

This got attorneys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, can I tell you guys? Let me tell. Who'd you write, Bobby? Okay, well, you're supposed to say it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I whispered it's not her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But let me say that. Let me tell you. Let me. For the sake of people playing along.

[Bobby Kelly]

At home, my brain just says what it's says.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If it's for the people playing along at home.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not in the top three people. Most people are thinking I'd say then because. Because that's the three names I wrote down. That makes sense.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll give you a hint.

[Bobby Kelly]

But you can't say the three names you wrote down because it's not. You can't say it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm just saying if at home, if people are in their mind going like, I've got it. You don't got it.

[Robert Kelly]

Because I don't mind if you say the names. It's not.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know who it is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't give a fuck.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So here's my guesses we've thrown so far. Whitney. No. Nikki.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know her name.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. Amy? No.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Nope.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. I don't know her name.

[Robert Kelly]

More undeserving. Think of someone who doesn't deserve anything.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't want to write this one down. We're on camera.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, oh, we're on camera.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Live.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

We can edit it out. He can blur it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Christine Evans]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

You could blur it, right? We don't even have to put this in if you don't want. Nice.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, we're putting this in now.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're definitely making this the clip.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no. Literally think of someone who's never had one joke and is famous and gets regular spots in the city.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, Bobby. Bobby guessed that already and blew up.

[Robert Kelly]

Quickly and has been connected to some of our friends.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I know it is.

[Robert Kelly]

Friends.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know it is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes, I know it is.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, I see you writing it, and yes, Jay, I'm seeing the letters.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, I put that face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you know who it is now?

[Bobby Kelly]

I know who it is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's a juicy. Wow.

[Bobby Kelly]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Y.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

With a lawyer.

[Robert Kelly]

With a lawyer. After agreeing to the payment in email, I could have literally gone after her and I just let it go. You and I might still email. It's an email. Could I still chase it? I think you should. If you have written. If you have, like, an email record of being promised a fee. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine is the lawyer of the show. But just so you know.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what?

[Bobby Kelly]

Anything happens on the bonfire, we go to Christine.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm coming after you, little cunt.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you have it in.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I say that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have it in the email for the money from her or from her people?

[Robert Kelly]

I have it from her.

[Bobby Kelly]

There you go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And was it for the thing like that?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, no. Yeah, that thing. And the reason why she didn't want to pay me is because she wouldn't listen to me on how to actually say them. And you saw how it went.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And everybody was having a real hard.

[Bobby Kelly]

Time, so she used them.

[Robert Kelly]

But she used.

[Bobby Kelly]

But it didn't work, so she blamed you. So that's why I'm not gonna. Oh.

[Robert Kelly]

And I'm like, they were good when I was saying them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It is wild.

[Robert Kelly]

It's almost like they booked the wrong person for it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But Kimmy, also, I wonder why. It's like, the reason I don't like writing for other people and stuff like that is because watching, like, what you wrote and you had a vision for, like, get massacred or someone just saying it, not the way you picture. And you're like, damn, if they would have just inflected.

[Robert Kelly]

This is my thing. I thought I was going to be paid my fee, so it was worth it for me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no, I get that. But I'm saying.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what I mean?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm like, no, no, for sure. I'm not talking about the time. I'm talking about the. For being able to do that, for ruining the heart. It's like them taking the thing and messing up. It's like, you have to be able. I could talk to Kurt about this years ago when he was writing. He goes, he'll write it. He. Hopefully he thinks it's really funny. But then when he lets it go, he walks away from it emotionally. Completely. Massacre it, make it better, kill it. There's what I did for the money. He was able to do that.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm able to do that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You are. Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

I feel like the creativity's endless.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So it's not the jokes that she happened to master. It's your money.

[Robert Kelly]

It's my money, dog. Get me my money. She's on my list. I have a very short list. It's three or four people.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've had people.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Three of them are Lewis, and the other ones are.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've had people write, like, gross jokes for me, and you take it. You make it your own. You got to adjust it a little bit. But you always. No, I. I've had. I've had guys write for me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I have sworn to God that Bobby Kelly has written every single word he's ever said. No. Now I look like an ass.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thanks a lot.

[Robert Kelly]

Not to God.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've had. I've had a couple people write for me be. Yeah, because that. That Skank Fest roast, Lewis said a week out. Hey, we're doing a roast.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, don't even bring up the Skank Fest roast, where everyone went up and killed. I was writing a week out, and then all of a sudden, everyone was like, yeah, we had writers. I'm like, you guys had writers. You make me look like a dumbass.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but you're a writer.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but a week out, dude. I'm also at Skang Fest. I'm running Kim Fest. I'm running three shows.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was a lot.

[Robert Kelly]

It was a lot.

[Bobby Kelly]

A week out, Dawn. Hey, we're doing a roast, and we're filming it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I can't do writers. I never.

[Robert Kelly]

My God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

People write it. So that's why I don't like doing them, is for that reason it's like, I don't like doing other people do, you know, I mean, like, I have the same. And when Kim was running some jokes by me for the Whitney one, was it Bert for the Burt one we were doing? It's even just like, Kim has a funny one moment was like, they should just let you do it. Like, you should do it. If you could write enough these good jokes, you should just do the rose. But I understand. It's a job.

[Robert Kelly]

My fucking whole life I'm writing for these. Well, you know, a lot of the people I've written for actually hilarious. But, you know, the last one I said, I'm, like, writing for these unfunny cunts that shouldn't even be that are technically not even real comedians that got famous from reality tv.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure. Giving hells of clues.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't care.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I love it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love it, too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's Kennedy from mtv. Yeah, It's Kennedy from Alt Nation on mtv.

[Robert Kelly]

It's Carson Daly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay. He fucked me guy. For the last.

[Robert Kelly]

Not again, Carson. Not again.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's Kelly sucking ripper. That morning twat.

[Bobby Kelly]

When they write for Roast. You've written for Roast. Like, for Comedy Central Roast. Have you done that?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And you just throw jokes in and, like, Nikki will come in and just take what she wants from that person or that she'll come and just grab jokes that they.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm more of a Roast. I'm more of a ghostwriter. So I don't. I'm never in the rooms. It's not really my thing. Yeah. I like to meet the person, be able to. I don't want to be in a corporate room under fluorescent lights with, like, Jewy writers. No offense. With glasses, being like this neurotic and being like, this is my whole life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob. That's what I said.

[Robert Kelly]

When I like to be in a place where I can smoke some pot and go grab a coffee and I'm in the sunshine. I like to write with the little.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

More black Lou than Jacob. Gotcha. Understood.

[Robert Kelly]

Winkling. Yeah, that's right, brother. Yep. So I'm more of a ghostwriter. I'm not, like, staffed in rooms. I just set my own rate.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it's.

[Bobby Kelly]

And you hope you get it.

[Robert Kelly]

And I get it. Have you seen the jokes I write.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sometimes?

[Robert Kelly]

Roast of Tom Brady, My guy was that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Were you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Were you in that.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I wrote for Nikki. And I only say that because she has said it out loud on a podcast.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Robert Kelly]

I would never, ever, ever, ever say.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who does she write her own jokes at all, too.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, she was in the writers. She. She put together her whole set. She just had writers. She murdered, killed. She killed and paid the best that I've ever been paid. So I don't want to put that on women.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's nice. The just the one bitch.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes, that one fucking reality tv, fucking stupid worm dancing kind.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When she did. What you call. When she did it, not dancing with the stuff. When she hosted the Golden Globes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nikki. Not the worm dancing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nikki, I said, it's that funny thing where it's like another T shirt. By the way, me and Nikki aren't close. Me and Nikki aren't close enough that, like, some part of you kind of wants to be like, it's probably not going to go that great, you know? I mean, like, it's probably getting it over her head. But you fucking like the Golden Globes. It was like Joe Coy had the rough time. It's just a bad gig and you almost want to go. It's. You've seen the gig be so bad. Holston hosting Golden Globes, that you're like, is she gonna be good enough to, like, do good where other people have failed? And then she killed it. She killed that also.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I fucking goosebumps watching.

[Bobby Kelly]

She was meant to do that, though. She's meant to be in that light.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you so much. And Nikki did really well, too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, she did. She also did fine.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wasn't talking about Nikki. I was talking about you. You should.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A lot of people are saying you're the next Colbert.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm the next Carson Daly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Would you want to host something like the. They're getting rid of that, too. I think the after midnight.

[Robert Kelly]

I need to be on a fucking roast dais immediately. Yeah, I'm putting it out there if you're listening.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's just.

[Robert Kelly]

Sorry about the Jew thing. I said I was kidding. I know that didn't help.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's the platform where that puts. Puts people over now?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know how any of this shit works, Jay. No one pays attention to me. They think I got here because I slept your dick today.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, no, that was months ago. But I still owe her.

[Robert Kelly]

I get three more SiriusXMS. Okay?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's gonna go on another podcast and be like, there's a comedian sucked his dick. Only came onto his podcast.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll give you a clue. Fake testosterone loves needles.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's two people. That's all of you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's also Christine. Christine's taking testosterone also. She says she's trying to get her chest Hair to come in before next summer.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. You know what? I think I'm start speaking on it more.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you gonna. You're done?

[Robert Kelly]

I think I'm done holding it in. I was very cool about it. I let it go for some reason. I must have been in a weird ovulation phase or something.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think it was going to affect your career at all. Are you worried about it affecting your future work?

[Robert Kelly]

At that moment when it was happening, I was so busy that I was like, I don't even have time to deal with this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it still popping off for this chick? Because I got to be honest, I don't hear the name at all anymore. But maybe I just.

[Robert Kelly]

I think that might have been it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was kind of the run.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because the special was rough.

[Robert Kelly]

It was special. It was special. All right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was pretty crazy. That was the one that I told you, Bobby. It's like the. Every punchline is like. She, like, dances.

[Robert Kelly]

And I said, girls, yeah, yeah. Are we all sinking our periods?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She'll be like. She goes, do you have money to take me to dinner? Like, stomp walks. It was.

[Robert Kelly]

Sells out of theater.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was. I mean, it was wild.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It's actually some of the most undeserving. And I'll say this about that same girl. I worked with her, and I shouldn't have, because I've already heard horrible things about the person she is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, well, listen, it's my.

[Robert Kelly]

At this point, people I've ever met in my life have said she's a horrible person.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

At this point, it means not Brian Hamill.

[Bobby Kelly]

Everyone said she's a bad person.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Everyone knows what we're talking about at this point, so I'm just going to say it. Ellen DeGeneres.

[Robert Kelly]

What a you. You wormy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know what? You've had it too good for too long. DeGeneres.

[Robert Kelly]

It's Ellen DeGeneres.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love that Kim, by the end of the show, is just gonna say her name.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna drag her in here, beat her up in front of you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Founder by the end of the day.

[Bobby Kelly]

It. It.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And we have to go. And we have to go. Hey. She said she was gonna do. We didn't believe her. But now you have to fight her. Gang fest. Gang fest.

[Robert Kelly]

Fight skank fest. Oh, God, I would love.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's not booked. She's not anymore.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I wonder if she would take a booking. I don't.

[Robert Kelly]

Look, Christine, tell her she can only get booked if she fights me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine, go to the website and. Yeah, you have to do naked roast and Fight Kim.

[Robert Kelly]

No one said naked roast. Jay, you added that one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. It would make it do all the. All the uncomfortable things.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you have to. You have to suck Jay's dick, do naked roast, and then fight you naked roast.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Kissing booth. And you have to fight Kim.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, let's see if she's on there. No, she's not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no. We.

[Robert Kelly]

What are we looking?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I said look at her schedule. I want to see if it's bumping.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I bet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But again, this is one of those things. Like, we'll find out. It's not because she's been doing a sitcom for Netflix for the past six months.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she's about to be. She's blowing actor famous.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It can happen. I've seen that. Where he was like, where did this person go?

[Bobby Kelly]

It almost seems like they don't let them not be famous famous. Like, they keep them.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

On tour. Well, as we sit here, Sold out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sold out, sold out, sold out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, by the way, hang on, hang on. Just so we say, everyone settle down.

[Robert Kelly]

She's doing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not sold out, sold out at the.

[Robert Kelly]

Opera House, you guys. But it's close life. We are in hell. No, no, we are in comedy hell.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm doing an 80s seater in Portland, Maine. It's not sold out. I've been promoting it.

[Robert Kelly]

I just. I just did that show.

[Bobby Kelly]

You did. Was it sold out?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

What the.

[Robert Kelly]

No, dude, say your name. Say her name. It's like when they kill a black person.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Say her name. You guys are. You're getting the optical illusion here. We got two wrapped up in the sold out, sold out. And tickets looks exactly the same. So it's. There's only two sold out things.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

There's four sold out theaters. I don't know why you're trying to make us feel better.

[Bobby Kelly]

That would actually. That would be my year.

[Robert Kelly]

There's four.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Four show. Four shows, two things. Yeah, but Bobby, you know that place right there? Not huge.

[Bobby Kelly]

What does it say? It.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's the West Hampton Beach, New York.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's pretty big.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then the Vogue, I've done August 9th.

[Robert Kelly]

We're not gonna say any names.

[Bobby Kelly]

Those are 3,000 seat theaters.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. The. The Hampton Beach.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No way. That was 3,000 seats that we did with skanks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We didn't have 3,000 people there because it's.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not. You're not. Her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Stuff came right for us.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what's pissing me off is just seeing her shoe in the tour dates. I don'. Are those red bottoms? I bet you could afford them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, she, like, came in. She married a comic. Like, another comic who's got one testicle.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's the only thing I.

[Bobby Kelly]

Fox theater is pretty, pretty big. Those are all pretty big theaters.

[Robert Kelly]

No, she's doing big theaters. That's not a question.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I'm not arguing, but I'm saying everything's not, like, sold out. Like, it's not like.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm saying there needs to be a shift in the universe, a glitch or a break in the fabric.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

An earthquake at the Vogue theater.

[Robert Kelly]

Fall through. Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maybe an earthquake at the Vogue theater that sucks her back down to hell where she came from.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's only one comic that has been taken out in that way, and that's Carlos Mancia.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Where the earth opened up, where somebody.

[Bobby Kelly]

Was like, this guy's a piece of shit. Fuck him. And then his career fell apart.

[Robert Kelly]

This is Carlos Womancia.

[Bobby Kelly]

And you're in the Carlo. So it's on you to take her out right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's Girlos Mencia. Oh, that's so. I mean, Jesus. But yeah, I have never heard, like, great stories about her, but we also. I've only done, like, hung out with her once.

[Robert Kelly]

She's always been nice to me. I've heard terrible stories. I'm the kind of person that's like, everyone talks about everyone, so I like to give people chances.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And me for doing that, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Fuck me.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, it's good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You with a good person.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I think it was around 10,000. I don't want to say anything factually wrong. Allegedly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. This all happened, but factually. You're about to whoops that ass.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm going to beat the brakes off.

[Bobby Kelly]

You as LA, right, LA based.

[Robert Kelly]

She's new York, I think.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, she's from here. I've never seen her at the clubs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Me either.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I'm also.

[Robert Kelly]

You can tell by her special.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So I'm never at the clubs either.

[Bobby Kelly]

So she made it without being at the clubs.

[Robert Kelly]

She made it because she got famous off a reality show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh. So reality show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Then Fam Social became huge.

[Robert Kelly]

And then she became one of those girls on, like, TikTok that was like, girlies, get ready with me or whatever.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it was good at a good thing about that. Like, if you're a girl who likes to rally other girls who dress exactly the same as you, like, that's a world she conquered.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. She's a fucking. She's Eliza. Sorry, I'll say it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't care.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sort of.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's her name?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll say if she's like, you still care. Well, Liza, here it comes. Elijah just came out with a special where you could see her muff through the side of her pants. She went.

[Robert Kelly]

She had to sell tickets still somehow. No. I don't know. I've heard she was not very nice also, Eliza.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've heard things also, but I'll begin.

[Robert Kelly]

But I'm not sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Allegedly, I only have a pleasant, like, interaction with her when I've had. But I've had very few.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I've had kind of like the way you're annoying me. Energy from her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're annoying her.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And I'm like, how? I'm literally. You're more annoying than I am. Ask anyone in the world.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm annoying.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm the least annoying girl to hang out with. Ask any of the guys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure, sure, I'm annoying.

[Robert Kelly]

But yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's the thing? The way she comes down. This is pretty, like. But she's a. She does like girl Dane Cook stuff, right? Like, it's a heavy act out.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's heavy act out. It's preachy. It's a little. It's a little preachy.

[Robert Kelly]

But I will say she has jokes and this other girl doesn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hate when they have their name and huge lights behind them.

[Robert Kelly]

I hate people obsessed with dogs.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hate it too. They have to put their dog in the special.

[Robert Kelly]

Get your dog out of here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Some asshole has to watch that dog while she's out there for an hour.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Someone's on dog duty for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Some poor soul sitting there feeding that stupid dog biscuit. Look at that. I wish it hit her. Not too.

[Robert Kelly]

As a stand up comedian, how could you ever.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, that's what I wanted. So for anyone listening, because she doesn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hang out with stand up comedians that go, don't do that.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. If I were. If I were gonna do a special and I told you guys, hey, I think I'm gonna catch the mic.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'd say, don't.

[Robert Kelly]

You'd say don't.

[Bobby Kelly]

We'd laugh at your face. I'd actually let me do it and I'd throw it right at your face. I'd say, there's miles an hour right at your face.

[Robert Kelly]

You're such a good friend.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you.

[Bobby Kelly]

It'd pop off the top of your head and your hair would go gray.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'd Say there's not even a minor reason why I couldn't be on a mic stand in the front of the stage.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that's disgusting. Here's the thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And if she doesn't want a mic stand at all, she could have taken out of the mic stand and somebody in front of the stage could have pulled it down right away.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you know what they could have done? They could add a mic stand. She could have came out or gave her the mic and then cut in the edit so it doesn't look like there's anything. Sure, they could have done that too. Can we see that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What they did is that what they did was gave her a nice soft toss. Underhanded toss, so she can catch it. I. I love to think there's outtakes of her missing the thing three times.

[Robert Kelly]

100%.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do it again. I want to see how perfect it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is because she caught it like she is the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it smooth?

[Bobby Kelly]

She caught it like Elvis.

[Robert Kelly]

I will say it is kind of smooth.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She goes, and this is how I regret.

[Robert Kelly]

And she played it off well.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. But I tell you what, though.

[Robert Kelly]

You can see her muffin.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

You can fully see her ma.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think that's a lot of the things.

[Robert Kelly]

That's the name of the special. A different animal. She's talking about her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, guys, check out my muff. Hey.

[Bobby Kelly]

But don't look at her body because it's not about that.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, My bad.

[Bobby Kelly]

You got to look at this. Don't look at this. Even though she's showing all of it.

[Robert Kelly]

She's showing so many things. There's a dog, there's a toss, there's a pussy. It's like so many things to look at.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If she had hair, you definitely would see it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

One hundo she wanted to show you. She waxes.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a lot of people, though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But here's the thing. She can't hide the happiness because it's still a little awkward the way she caught it. It could. It should have become a little higher. It came a little low, so she had to go in for a little bit and she kind of slaps it down, but she is satisfied as hell that she got it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, she's the eye in her name.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, dude. She's the eye in lies.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

Sometimes you have to be the eye.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christ.

[Robert Kelly]

Every once in a while you have to be the eye in your own name.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Get that off the screen so I can see the thing's on the 10 second things on it. Yeah, dude, you should start having with the Y, Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Probably the Y. Actually, a couple years ago, I could have been the uppercase B.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Guys, here's new announcement. New announcement, everybody. When I get on stage, my next two headline weekends are Tacoma and Sacramento. Every show, I will begin by having someone throw me the microphone so I can just comment. What's up, everybody? How's everybody feeling?

[Bobby Kelly]

I hope it chips your new teeth.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I go, hey.

[Bobby Kelly]

They break like a teacup.

[Robert Kelly]

It's gonna be really weird when I come out as a K. It's gonna look like I'm doing that Heil Hitler for a second, and I'm gonna have to go, no, the other hand's down here. The other hand's down. They don't see it at first. It just looks like I'm doing that because the bottom hand's hidden.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You try to be sexy inside of a K. Hold position. Get out there. You have to. It's like that game. What was that game? Where they would just bring a wall of, like, different hole shapes at you, and you had to, like, stand, like.

[Robert Kelly]

The thing you had to make it through. I have to make it through my own K. It starts pushing behind me, but I get caught in a corner. It starts dragging me. I have to come out of my own K. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lisa, if you want to impress me, she should come out of the Z.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, I come out of the K and I stumble on, and I have to make a bad joke. Sorry. I just got out of a. A K hole.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then you give a genuine deep tissue to your inner thigh.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that hurt. It's so funny. The other comic she's talking about couldn't come out of the. She wouldn't fit in the eye.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She could only be in O's, G's, and C's.

[Robert Kelly]

We're gonna ninja to change her name, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

B. I mean, this is nuts. That is. That is 100. Dang.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look at the happiness of the graph. Of course I'm saying kiss, kiss the crowd.

[Bobby Kelly]

Grab it, snack it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, we got it. By the way. I'm telling you, that's. I don't even know if she. If she denies that or ever talks about it. I was the same way. I'd say about, like, how much A tell and stuff. And Patrice, like, influenced, like, what I even do. Like, she must give some kind of homage to, like, looking at her abs. She must give some kind of homage to Dane. Does she in her thing?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't. I don't. I've never seen a thing that she does.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. She marries a nice a 19 year old.

[Bobby Kelly]

Her abs are ridiculous. She has like, like 1980s porn star smoking fit.

[Robert Kelly]

My hands around her waist.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she's really in shape.

[Robert Kelly]

She is in shape.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Good for her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Her naked stuff was too muscular though.

[Bobby Kelly]

I loved it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Her fappening.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did like it.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, she had a fappening.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She had a fapping.

[Robert Kelly]

She fapped herself, let's be honest.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They're. They're very produced pictures. I'll say.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

In the sense.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm sure they look amazing. And not if. If I got a fappening, it'd be a fat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You put it out, it's like.

[Robert Kelly]

It'd be like a real porno. There'd be rolls, there'd be like a cum stuck. It wouldn't be like, oh, I just sucked a dick. You know, I'd be like, oh, she's sweating.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it's like a combination of common dried spit on your cheeks.

[Robert Kelly]

One booger.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what I mean?

[Robert Kelly]

Guys like, don't move. Let me get this shot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Be you with your tits out on like a tube in a river.

[Robert Kelly]

That's my Instagram.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's just as bunched up as you can be.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bunched up. Three rolls.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, shit. Christina, you showing her fapping for.

[Robert Kelly]

Are we pulling up her fappening?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's hot. Her body smoking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's obviously classic. Very in shape. It's just not. I prefer a little softer of a. Of a build.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh yeah, that's fappening leak. If I've ever. I mean, that's a self fappening leak.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Great.

[Bobby Kelly]

You lost all fappings.

[Robert Kelly]

Great. Now we're in a bunch of naked fapped girls.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh yeah, dude, she's. I mean, those are perfect. Those are perfect.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then she's got a picture of her. Wow. Yeah, that's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's showing a little beef, but her lack of beave rather.

[Robert Kelly]

I already saw that in the special.

[Bobby Kelly]

So weird.

[Robert Kelly]

But how do these pictures get leaked?

[Bobby Kelly]

Leaked her. She leaked them, right?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, somebody. There was a phone hack, wasn't it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like, it's a lot of so what it is. It's a phenomenon that happens every couple years called and no one can really explain it. I think the plants try to kill us. If the Shyamalan history reminds me. Right? Plants try to kill us and then we get to see pictures of J Law getting bukhaki'd on her big fat face.

[Robert Kelly]

The JLaw ones were hot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They said the. Come on, the face is fake. But I think that's just backpedaling. I want to believe it's backpedaling.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I hope I never get fapped.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'd have to think these are revenge porn is what my guess would be on them.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you gotta think. You know, I think about this too. Like, this is like a real comedian. I've sent pictures like this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, sure.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Does Lewis have them?

[Robert Kelly]

Probably. You should ask him if he has any nudes of me and see what he says.

[Bobby Kelly]

Me and. Me and Jay both went, but he does.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you think he still has nudes?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's the thing. I should text him while he's on vacation with his whole family.

[Robert Kelly]

He'll step away. He'll step away.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, pardon, guys. No, it's me. He goes. He goes. Jay probably saying something funny.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, I'm here with Kim right now. He just takes it off.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, auntie, will you hold my pasta baju for a second?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's not her JLaw. No, it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who is the one on the left.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I just think the one of the load across the face.

[Robert Kelly]

Sorry. Jennifer Lawrence is really hot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that her? Her asshole?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's her and her. Most people look at the.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, well, most people aren't gay.

[Bobby Kelly]

I like the asshole. I like a nice clean one color.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thing is, most people aren't gay.

[Robert Kelly]

I've probably seen my own less than three times.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I agree. No, that makes sense.

[Robert Kelly]

I barely.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've only seen your asshole once.

[Robert Kelly]

Whoa.

[Bobby Kelly]

When Lewis showed me what I never.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

In my. In my early days, video on Super 8, Sony camcorder videos. Probably saw my ass hoeing those, but I learned pretty quick in those. Like, keep yourself out of the video, not for future problems or anything like that. Just. I don't want to see me in the video.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you need lighting to make a. To make a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's more than lighting to make a.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sack and a dick look good. You need good lighting. Like purple lights. You need up lighting.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You need a crew.

[Bobby Kelly]

You need a crew. You need a. You need a best boy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You need the whole.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You need a guy who understands tones.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you need.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I need a woman to put some kind of weird green makeup on. That makes no sense, but it makes my dick look tan on camera.

[Robert Kelly]

I need someone to go keep looking at me and going, going. Don't do that with your face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't do that.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, you're getting too into it. It's not like hot anymore.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And they start doing the faces with you while you're doing them. They're like mocking your face.

[Robert Kelly]

They're like, I'll actually do what you're doing, and then you can see what it looks like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's that, Lou? You want to jerk me and Bobby off?

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's weird, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why do you want to jerk us off?

[Robert Kelly]

Jerk off. Break.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I watch Baddies a lot now, and young black women like to call each other weird now. It's a new thing. Yo, you weird. That's weird.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, you're on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yo, you. I'm on Zeus Network. Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Love it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, that's weird. Yo. No, no, bro, you weird.

[Robert Kelly]

No, you're weird for that. Weird for that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Make sure you listen to the Kim Congdon takeover on YouTube and wherever you find your podcast. She's also going to be performing at Patty Power Comedy Festival in Dublin, Ireland, July 24th through the 20th this weekend.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I leave tomorrow after that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's going to be in Nova Scotia, Tacoma, Washington, Nashville, Tennessee, Austin, Texas, Dallas, and Fort Worth, Texas. For tickets and all of our tour dates go to Kim Congdon. C o n G d o n.

[Bobby Kelly]

Kimcongden.Com the funniest, one of the funniest comics around.

[Robert Kelly]

Truly.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, on Truly podcasts, on radio, theaters.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. You should be robbing. You should be robbing a different young writer for $10,000.

[Robert Kelly]

You're right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

When do I get to rob?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your time is now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Name her.

[Robert Kelly]

Stick them up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Name her. And then you start. Call this bitch out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's how the healing starts.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wait, wait, wait.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not now.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, save it. We'll come back. We'll be right back. She's gonna name names when we come back. It's a bonfire at Designer Shoe Warehouse.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We believe that shoes are an important.

[Christine Evans]

Part of, well, everything from first steps to first dates, from all nighters to all time personal bests.

[Bobby Kelly]

From building pillow forts to building a.

[Christine Evans]

Life for all the big and small moments that make up your whole world. DSW is there, and we've got just the shoes. Find a shoe for every you from brands you love at bragworthy prices at your DSW store or dsw.com hey, everybody.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Conan O' Brien here with an ad about my podcast. Conan O' Brien needs a friend. I've had so many fantastic conversations with people I truly admire. People like Michelle Obama, Bruce Springsteen, Maya Rudolph, Tom Hanks. New episodes are out every Monday and we have a really good time. So subscribe and listen wherever you get your podcasts.