Ostentatious Turban

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: "Ostentatious Turban"
Date: February 11, 2026
Platform: SiriusXM Faction Talk 103

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Episode Overview

This episode features Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly trading their signature rapid-fire, self-deprecating wit and observational comedy on a range of topics—personal fashion statements, comedian etiquette, social awkwardness, performing in unfamiliar environments, and the intricacies of being a comic on tour. Amidst playful ribbing, the hosts weigh in on the comedy world’s trends, their own quirks, and the hazards and joys of crowd work. The “ostentatious turban” emerges as a theme, as Bobby experiments with upping his style and Jay serves as a relentless fashion critic. Plenty of characteristic digressions and inside-comedy moments make this a classic Bonfire episode.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Patti LaBelle, Michael McDonald & Concert Stories

• Jay recounts a tense night turned memorable with Christine at a Michael McDonald concert, highlighting how the crowd (specifically “dorky dad” energy) can break the ice in a relationship standoff.
  • Notable Quote (Jay, 04:50):
    “But then [Michael] started doing On My Own...this guy...so loud...‘holy shit, I can't believe it!’—and that broke us. We were fine the rest of the night.”
• Banter about lies told to mutual friend Ari, and Christine’s insistence on honesty about the concert to avoid being caught in a fake story.

2. Comedy Crowds & Comic Rivalry

• Bobby talks about a fan favoring Jay over him and how the encounter devolved into a roast battle with playful but sharp insults traded.
  • Notable Quote (Bobby, 07:07):
    “And the guy goes, ‘whoa.’ And [I] go, ‘I don't know, I took it too far.’ He goes, ‘you did.’ And then the kid put up peace signs and walked away.”
• The guys reflect on the necessity—as comedians—of public peacocking or creating a durable stage “look.” Jay’s mittens, wallet chains, and pink gloves provoke conversation about following and setting trends (08:13).
• Bobby contemplates adopting “the turban” as his signature, leading to a comical debate about fashion, ethnicity, and what qualifies as “ostentatious.”

3. The “Ostentatious Turban” Bit

• Christine Googles examples; the crew riffs on Nick Cannon’s turbans, Prince, color theory (“ocean green”), and what can be called “ostentatious.”
  • Notable Quote (Jay/Bobby arguing over pronunciation, 15:24):
    Bobby: “Ostentatious.”
    Jay: “No, you didn't say that at all.”
• Extended running gag about mispronouncing (and misunderstanding) “ostentatious”—with Jay ribbing Bobby’s vocabulary and both riffing on teacher–student energy.

4. Meta Media & Trends in Comedy

• Jay describes listening to a podcast that reviews their own show (Jim and Them), reflecting on “softball interviews,” Stern’s smart handling of Corey Feldman, and how comedy cycles and cross-podcast meta-commentary work (09:06–11:22).
• The group comments on the proliferation of meaningless trends (wallet chains “to nowhere”) and the idea of comic “branding” extending to the silly and impractical (e.g., “chains to nowhere” and “mittens with spikes”).

5. Race, Fashion, and Awkward Social Dynamics

• Jokes about dressing in the SiriusXM lobby and riffing on white guys in headwraps, awkwardly “trying to blend in.”
  • Notable Quote (Jay, 12:20):
    “Nine or more black people…you’re a Wu Tang Clan. Black Lou stopped in his tracks…I go, Wu Tang Clan. Black Lou went, ‘What?’”
• Self-consciousness, stereotypes, and inside jokes about being fashionable or trying too hard to stand out (or fit in).

6. Comic Merchandise and “The Rogan Effect”

• Imagining absurd, on-brand merchandise for comics—Rogan-themed jackets, whey protein jars with jokes, “bitch” t-shirts (26:04–26:45).
• Riffing on motivational language in comedy and Joe Rogan’s alpha-male branding.
  • Notable Quote (Jay, 26:36):
    “The Mothership energy is very ‘bitch’ at the end of your sentence. ‘Let’s go, bitch. Stop talking about it. Start doing it, bitch.’”

7. Behind-the-Scenes Comedy Club Stories

• The group discusses the etiquette of seating (front/back seat, green room chairs) and “micro-Joshing”—meaning comic Josh’s social moves and minor annoyances that become inside jokes (43:03–47:22).
• Jay and Bobby elaborate their generosity toward up-and-coming comics, comfort at comedy clubs, and the awkwardness of comics being too eager for prime spots.

8. Comedy Bombs & Being Out of Your Element

• Bobby recounts bombing at a highly political “Free Press” event, with panelists like Colin Quinn and Judy Gold.
  • Notable Quote (Bobby, 58:30):
    “I went up there and just didn’t have it. You realize as soon as you got there, you didn’t want to do it anymore, buddy.”
• He details how his set quickly turned awkward—his high-energy style not landing, misjudged crowd, and eventually speed-running his act as panic set in.
• Jay is both sympathetic and amused, noting that comics sometimes must own bad bookings and that every comic bombs eventually (59:36).

9. Panel Discussion: Social Issues & Language

• On the post-show panel, the comedians discuss ownership of the word “woke.” Alex, a Black gay comedian, suggests:
  • Quote (Alex, 65:04):
    “I would like to do a trade. I would like to take that [‘woke’] word back and we'll give you back the N word.”
• Bobby turns it into a bit:
  • Quote (Bobby, 65:29):
    “Deal.”
• They riff on the pull to go too far with edgy jokes, cancel culture, and the pressure on comics to self-censor in certain spaces.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Michael McDonald & Relationship Tensions:
  “This guy…‘holy shit, I can’t believe it!’ and that broke us. We were fine the rest of the night.”
  —Big Jay Oakerson (04:50)

• On Fashion Statements:
  “Jay has a look…he’s peacocking all the time…I don’t have a look. This is my new look—right.”
  —Bobby Kelly (07:26)

• Defining 'Ostentatious':
  “I don’t know if I’m sure what ostentatious means.”
  —Big Jay Oakerson (16:38)

• On Getting 'Micro-Joshed':
  “You can get micro-joshed until you can get away from Josh to talk to somebody else about the joshing—it’s a great night.”
  —Big Jay Oakerson (45:20)

• On Bombing at the Free Press:
  “I went up there and just didn’t have it. You realize as soon as you got there, you didn’t want to do it anymore, buddy.”
  —Big Jay Oakerson (58:30)

• Debating Words in Culture:
  Alex: “I would like to take that word back and we’ll give you back the N word.”
  Bobby: “Deal.”
  (65:04)

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Notable Segments by Timestamp

• [04:09–05:50] – “Concert Story” & Christine/Ari banter
• [07:05–08:20] – Fan interaction, jabbing about talent, peacocking and signature "look"
• [09:03–11:22] – “Jim and Them” meta-commentary and Howard Stern comparison
• [12:00–13:39] – “Turbans in the Lobby” & racial humor
• [15:02–17:18] – Ostentatious debate and teacher-student dynamic
• [26:04–27:00] – Rogan merch, “bitch” t-shirts, motivational comedy culture
• [43:03–47:22] – “Micro-Josh,” chair and seating etiquette among comics
• [54:51–64:08] – Bobby bombs at Free Press event, self-doubt as a comic
• [65:03–65:30] – Language debates, cultural ownership, and edgy comedy boundaries

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Tone & Style Notes

• The episode’s tone is highly conversational, informal, and self-aware, with both hosts playing up character bits and riffing naturally off each other’s interruptions and mispronunciations.
• Bobby leans into self-deprecation and the woes of being a “regular guy comic,” while Jay straddles teacherly correction and brash stage confidence.
• The group is unfiltered but careful enough to pull back at the edge of true controversy—highlighting the tightrope modern comics walk.

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Conclusion

“Ostentatious Turban” is classic Bonfire: plenty of irreverent humor, inside-baseball comedy talk, tangents about personal quirks, and deep self-reflection on what it’s like to fail, succeed, and simply be a working comic. Between Bobby’s search for a fashion identity and tales of social awkwardness, and Jay’s relentless ribbing and analysis, listeners are offered a peek behind the comedy curtain that’s as honest as it is hilarious.

Transcript

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ready@Dr. Horton.com Dr.

[Bobby Kelly]

Horton, America's builder and equal housing opportunity builder.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

El programa nacional de becas a serde.

[Bobby Kelly]

McDonald's a beneficiado mas de dieeciente.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Mil estudiantes con maze trentai, cinco missiones de dolares and becaso torgadas esta esme. And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly. Oy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oy, man, I like. I like Patti LaBelle's version better.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that her name? Patti LaBelle?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Kim Wilde?

[Bobby Kelly]

That. That too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Patty LaBelle is an African American legend who sang on my own. Once again, that's my favorite maybe concert moment ever. Me and Christine in a fight. We're not talking. We're gonna avoid and not go to a Michael McDonald concert. We were given tickets to by Ari. Christine says, I don't want to lie to Ari. I don't want to lie to Ari and say we're not going. It was just her holding her ground on a thing. She's lied to Ari so many times.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that true, Christine?

[Christine]

Is what true?

[Bobby Kelly]

Have you lied to Ari so many times since?

[Christine]

I'm sure I've lied to Ari, but.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't want to.

[Christine]

He got us these tickets. I didn't want to, like, fake an experience of this concert when he asked us, but, like, I would have given it away.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think we could have faked seeing Michael McDonald.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sure. It's not like it's like you're moving.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't even know if he asked us about the concert after we went. Yeah, but we weren't gonna go. And then we did go. It was like a train to a icy walk to go into this theater in Montclair. Tarrytown. Up in the Tarrytown theater there.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm familiar. It's Best Chester, where I live.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a nice theater.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not as nice as where I live, but yes, sure.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But we went in and watched the show, and it was like, you know, we're getting. We're getting into as much as you can get into, like, the songs you remember, like, oh, yeah, this is a good song. But we're barely dealing with each other.

[Bobby Kelly]

Give me a couple of those songs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, okay. Forget not in love anymore. Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Forget every time you leave, but give me one more.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. What a fool believes the wise man has the power, the white man. That's what I always say.

[Bobby Kelly]

Lou says.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But then he started doing On My Own, the very song with him and Patti LaBelle with his background singer, right. Who was great, right. Sitting in front of us the whole time was a family who I was enjoying watching a little bit because. Dorky little guy of a dad, big energy, though, in this concert that is a sit down. No one really is dealing, like, you know, like no one's standing up and dancing in this concert. It's all sitting. It's old. And this, this guy, his trophy wife, who is younger than him, definitely also not interested in the show. And his two kids, who were like kids that have to dress like they just got off a boat always. You know, they're like in their teens, but they were both wearing like clothes like they're. They made them wear like a sweater over a button down shirt.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hair parted to the side, kid.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The church just. Yeah, everyone's just dressed like, you know, like I said, like they're going to like a nice boat, a nice seafood restaurant first, right. And then sit down for a nice show. But this dad is into it. And there's a part of the song where historically, Patti LaBelle hits the song. She goes, this isn't how it was supposed to be. She has some big note. And when she hits that note, dude, this guy, I mean, so loud in the theater, at least he's right in front of us. But she goes, it wasn't how it was supposed to be. And he goes, holy shit, I can't believe it. And that broke us. We were fine the rest of the night. I was like, yeah, we gotta talk. I have to talk to somebody about what's happening here. You're the only person I know here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine. Have you ever lied to me?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of course.

[Christine]

Yeah, probably.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really? Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know. I don't know what I would have lied to you about.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Remember she said she doesn't think you own Punch Up Live? Or that you look good in a turban or all.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't.

[Christine]

What is going on, Bobby?

[Bobby Kelly]

What's happening?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. We're up front. Robert, Cleo say we're up front. And immediately a guy. What's that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, you look like quaid. In the Running Man. Not the Running Man. Total Recall.

[Bobby Kelly]

We were up front and just hanging out. You're smoking a little. Little ganja.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

And some guy walks up, nondescript dude. Hey, man, big fan of everything you do, all the stuff you've ever done and are gonna do. I'm a huge fan, man. And I'm staring right in his face. And then I go, what about me? He goes, you're good, but you're not as good as him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He didn't even say you were good.

[Bobby Kelly]

He said, hey, hang on one second. There's an illusion that I'm creating on the radio. We don't have to tell them everything.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I thought we were reporting the news.

[Bobby Kelly]

Entertainment.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. No, it's pretty entertaining. What happened, you know, tell your entertaining side of it, and then I'll tell my entertaining side of it.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then I just started trashing him. But then he trashed me back. We were just trashing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was tense because it started off. So the guy walked past us and then doubled back. He heard my voice and then looked back, and then he doubled back.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would say, he saw your mittens.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maybe he saw my mittens. But whatever it was, he came back and he was just like. Just put his fist out. Very sweet. He was like, hey, man. He goes, big fan of your stuff, man. Big fan of all you do. And he, like, knuckle pounded me. And I said, oh, thank you, man. And then Bobby goes, hey, what about me? He's driving my fans away from me now. He goes, what about me? And the guy goes. He goes, well, what about you? He goes. He goes, I know you're a comedian too. He's just better. And he just kept saying that, and.

[Bobby Kelly]

Then he's just better.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then Bobby started insulting his shoes, and he insulted Bobby's shoes. They made fun of each other's pants and wheat.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hair, whole outfit, demeanor, voices.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then Bobby said. Told him to suck his dick. And then the kid went, whoa. And Bobby went, no. Bobby went, I went too far?

[Bobby Kelly]

No. I said, I hope you die.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, is that what it was? Yeah. Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

And that's when I took it too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Far because I hope you die. And he goes. And the guy goes, whoa. And he goes, I don't know. I took it too far. He goes, you did. And then the kid put up peace signs and walked away.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. And now he's my fan. Here's the thing. When you. When you give him a pound, he actually went, ow. Because of your spikes, by the way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not Unaware of that. I try to give everybody side pounds now.

[Bobby Kelly]

So this is my thing. I, I, Jay has a look. He has the gloves, the, the, the, the pants, the. He, he's peacocking all the time. I know that. I don't have a look. I'm going to. This is my new look. Right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I got it. I like it now that you said it like that. Yeah, but you got to commit, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm committing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You have to be in a turban like thing every day.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's my thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like Nick Cannon.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Okay, but I'm gonna wear a Christine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You bring up possible turbans for sale. I'd like to think about Bobby's next week of turbans.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but it's gotta be something maybe paisley fun. Something fun.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's gotta pop.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's gotta pop.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's the thing. We wear very regular clothes. Well, I'm wearing a hecatase torch shirt today.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're wearing a hecatase torch shirt. You're wearing poindexter glasses. You have pink gloves, pink mittens with spikes and a chain and wallet chains. Wallet chains and a wallet chain to nowhere.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

To nowhere.

[Bobby Kelly]

To nowhere.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I watched the Grammys the other day. Let me tell you something. Everybody's wallet chains go to nowhere, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't know that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I do.

[Bobby Kelly]

How do you know that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because they're just clipped onto their pants on the other side. I look at it happen because no one keeps a back pocket wallet anymore.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's bad for your spine, it's bad for your sciatica.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right. So now you keep your wallet in your front pocket and your chain goes to nowhere. And I once again have set trends.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have. And I'm going to set a trend.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Christine]

I told you, they're selling the chains to nowhere. I was sending pictures.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was in coach.

[Christine]

They had changed to nowhere. Jane Snow. Where like the new thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

By the way, he is a trendsetter on that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

By the way. This is very meta.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can't wait till these mittens take off.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is very, very meta right here. Today I listened to a clip from the Jim and them show. The Corey Feldman show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I thought you were talking about Sam show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I did the Jim.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sam Robert show in the morning.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now the Jim and them show where I watch them talk about us talking about them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it was great. But they were nice. Oh, there you go, Bobby. For sure, these, these turbines are the thing. But shout out to Jim and them. Yeah, they had, they interviewed the girl. They got the girl. Not Marcy The.

[Bobby Kelly]

The girl that was in the band.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The girl, Margot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The main girl. Yeah. They have her for, like, an hour.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I want to see that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's good. You watch the clip? Yeah, it's good. Jim and them check it out. If you haven't seen they interview her, She's. She does not even want to. They all got. I don't want to blow the clip too much, but they all got to start light up halos for them to put on. They had her in studio, and they had it for her, and she put it on. First issue. They had to talk her into putting it on for a second. She's like, really was like, no, I don't want to. Like, I'm not putting it on. She's kind of, like, serious about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's like me wearing a Sufi shirt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But it is funny that. We go, they played. They played a clip. They played a clip of us that made them laugh. That was pretty good. It was like. Because we. We were talking about them saying, like, they said, we did a softball interview with Marcy Hume.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And we did a softball interview. And I was like, but we didn't. It goes, you called. And I was like, bobby got the call. Like, he took the phone call. And you said that all she said. And you were like, yeah. All she said was, I can't talk about things. I don't know. Whatever. And she said, like, you know. And you told her, like, if there's something you don't want to talk about, just, like, stop us from talking. Say you don't know, or you can't really talk about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

She was being sued.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right? Right. I'm saying, so you could say those things like, don't talk about that. And I go, and then we did a softball interview with her. I go, we got the. And then we did a softball interview with her. But, yeah, those guys were good. They did a good thing with that girl Margo. It was very interesting. They love. They were funny. The argument was same. Because, Jacob, you said in the clip, you were like, we were ground level. A Corey Feldman, and they make a point. They said, like, they were about 12 years ago. They were, like, doing stuff about it, which maybe I'm not even. I'm sure, actually, I wouldn't. Why would they lie? But they made a better point about all of it. He just goes, I mean, really? Howard Stern. I go, he's right. Howard Stern was doing Corey Feldman, like, and having him on the show to perform, and he's just smart enough to go, like, you're great, buddy. Instead of us just going like, this guy sucks. Look, he'll never be our friend.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So Stern did it, right? But he is actually way before all of us, so that's fair enough.

[Jacob]

Fair point.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Fair. Fair point.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The fairest of points, maybe.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love when we walk in studio and there was a. Just a lot of black dudes in the lobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And first of all, Black Lou drops around five spaces behind me. And Jay. Yeah, he's right next to us. All of a sudden, he's just gone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So then Bobby starts putting on his Erykah Badu head wrap, trying to blend in.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I just heard wabbly, dabbly. And then Jay, wait, were you wearing.

[Christine]

That in the lobby?

[Bobby Kelly]

Like this?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Really? You came up here like that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine, what is your problem? Why are you giving me shit? Your man has pink mittens on. Do you with him?

[Christine]

That's his look.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, this. You don't know my look yet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She doesn't. Me and Christine actually don't with each other. And it might be the gloves.

[Bobby Kelly]

What the. Why can't I discover.

[Christine]

I just love that you looked like that in the lobby just now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Whatever, man. I got a lot of head nods from those dudes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, the crazy thing is, he walked by a Wu Tang Clan.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, that's what he said. That's why I love anytime we walk by a group of black people, and I'm like, who's that? He's like, wu Tang, is it? Nope.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I go, it's a Wu Tang Clan. You know my rules. Nine or more black people. You're a Wu Tang Clan. You're not the Wu Tang Clan. Black Liu stopped in his tracks. I go, wu Tang Clan. And Black Lou went, what?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I was like, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, not. Duh. Uh, uh. There was one black guy out there in the thing who was just sitting, like. I don't know. He was on those weird, like, steps thing they have out there in the hallway, just, like, looking sad and by himself and alone.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was master killer of the Wu Tang Clan. Kevin. Bobby. These are gonna be. I like the bouffant in the front.

[Bobby Kelly]

The two. The two. Dare I say this month.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

African Alex. Pretty African Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

I need a little more, like, something like prints. One. One color, a little paisley fun print.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Turbines for men.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's too turban. Yeah, I don't want to seek one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no, no.

[Christine]

So Prince turban. I thought that's what.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Turbans for men. No, not prince print.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I Said Prince. I thought she said, like, Princey.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like Prince, the singer.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He didn't wear turbans.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did say that, but he didn't wear turbans.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you just think Prince is what means paisleys?

[Bobby Kelly]

Sexy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, okay. Well, type in.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's his name. What's that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, Nick Cannon.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nick Cannon. Nick Cannon had.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Those are the other. Those were the woman ones. You were just not.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, really? Well, I like that green one. This one? Oh, no, no, no. The one down the bottom. That's too big down there. That one right there. Over to the right. No, not the. Yeah, that. Yeah, that one. Not that one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby, I gotta be honest with you. This is not her fault. This is your fault.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because she was green right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's not green. That's completely blue.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a. That's an ocean green.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Couldn't you. There's no such thing as ocean green.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just made it up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, well, that's ocean green. But this is weird news. You're going to find out, Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And this is to protect you down the road.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A lot of people are going to tell you that ocean green is just blue.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, Those people are wrong.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, I believe you because you're wearing a turban. Yeah, I like that one, too.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, how about that one? The yellow Bobby? That's what I'm thinking. More like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

What the. In the middle with the little wraps around it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Dude, like you're gonna do laundry in a river.

[Christine]

What about like this?

[Bobby Kelly]

It looks like my laundry. Oh, wait a minute. What's that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Big Indiany.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hang on. Well, let's just give it a second. Come on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like what I'm saying. It's Indian.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's very. That's very ostentatious. I don't know if I could wear that. That has a little too much, though. Too much? You. The word.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I said word.

[Bobby Kelly]

J just quotes Austin Tejas. Austin Tejas? Austin Powers. What is it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tatius.

[Bobby Kelly]

Austin Tatius.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, go fuck yourself. I was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no. So what did you say again?

[Bobby Kelly]

Ostentatious.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Contagion. No, it's contagion.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ostentatious.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, you didn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

Austin.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You just stole the word I gave you.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I said it.

[Christine]

No, you said, like, contagious.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You said. Oh, yeah. You said Austin. No, you said Austin Tejas. Yeah. Austin Tej.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did I say it right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Austin Tejan.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Jacob]

I didn't said Austin Dacious.

[Bobby Kelly]

I said. I didn't say.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wasn't that we're all it up around. He said nobody saying it like contagious. He said Austin Tatius Lou.

[Bobby Kelly]

What did I say? You said it like advantageous. I said ostentatious.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, you didn't say that at all.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ostentatious. No, ostentatious.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You said just like g. Like contagious.

[Bobby Kelly]

You say it the way I said it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ostentatious.

[Bobby Kelly]

I said ostentatious.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's not the word.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ostentatious. Right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not the word.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ostentatious.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ostentatious.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ostentatious.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

You should have been a teacher. Nerd. Got anything else you want to correct?

[Christine]

He teaches wherever he goes.

[Bobby Kelly]

He really does.

[Jacob]

He's just.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, there's nothing. I tell you. No. Before we get to your. I'm gonna land you right now. You really. You really love teaching people, and it bugs me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We never go anywhere.

[Bobby Kelly]

One of your happiest moments is when you hear somebody up a word or a. A stat. You. You're a nerd in gay man's clothes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I tell you something?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know if I'm sure what ostentatious means.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't like this thing, too, where you become a victim.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I don't know what it means. I'm just telling. You said it wrong.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't get cute. Don't become. Don't. Do not. Don't put your hands up on your cheeks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's your bear. Bear.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stop it. All right, I'm sorry. Ostentatious.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bobby.

[Christine]

Now, what does it mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

It means, you know, a lot of. A lot of. A lot of too. Too much stuff. Like a elaborate. Like, too big.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You went a little too big.

[Bobby Kelly]

Kind of an idea, too. Yeah. It's too much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Too much would be the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What is Dane Cook? It looks like Dane Cook doesn't like.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just learned something. And she goes, well, what does it mean now? I mean, what an ass.

[Christine]

That was because he said he didn't know what it meant.

[Bobby Kelly]

What does it mean? Too much, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Pretty. Characterized by a vulgar, pretentious display designed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

To impress or attract notice to be too loud. Being very loud.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you're loud.

[Christine]

Wearing a turban. As a white man.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm trying to be loud. I'm trying to be. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to be as loud.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I saw an article there, though. If you go back, it says, dane Cook blasts Nick Cannon. And if it's about the turbines, that would be lovely because that would really get under Dane's skin. If now you're a turban guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

If I can get him in my algorithm. Both of them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Whoa. For wearing turban. Utter disbelief. Whoa. Whoa. What does he say?

[Jacob]

Whoa.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How long ago is this?

[Bobby Kelly]

Which one's Dan? Damn it.

[Christine]

I'm not subscribed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How long ago was this?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's gonna be years ago.

[Christine]

It was 2016.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll tell you what Nick does pull it off a little bit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. No, he doesn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

A little bit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He looks ridiculous.

[Bobby Kelly]

His beautiful skin with the tie.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, he's a good looking guy, but he looks absolutely ridiculous.

[Bobby Kelly]

But he was doing this because he was getting a hair weave. Correct? He was getting his hair. He got his hair fixed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That may be. I never even even thought of that for two seconds. Maybe it was that, but I don't know. He's always his handler seem to be a problem, but it's very possibly. That would be good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dane looks like he's farting right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know. He looks so unpleasant.

[Bobby Kelly]

He looks like he just got caught. Like he just farted them. Was that you? And he was like, nope.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why? No. Why?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just look at me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Go scroll down so I can see what it says.

[Christine]

I need to subscribe to this to get in here.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're gonna subscribe?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, don't. It's not worth the bit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're just around.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I bet you could also look up Dane Cook blasting the guy on Google.

[Jacob]

Whoa.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow. Is that how the Google works?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It wasn't happening, so I had to say something.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what? You are a teacher.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She was going to subscribe to a thing called a newsletter called the rap for 24amonth. That's crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

He just said it to be funny.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dane. No, I just looked down.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it 24amonth?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's like six something a week. Dane Cook isn't impressed with Nick Cannon's look. And the actor is making the actor. They don't call him a comedian anymore. You Boston guys.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cook took. Nice. Cook took to Instagram on Tuesday to rip into Cannon's pension for Turbines, which has even gotten its own Twitter account. Ooh. He went on an expletive filled. He told me to work clean. He went on expletive filled rant in reference to a photo of Cannon wearing a pink turban during the Victoria's Secret fashion show last night. McCannon wore this. He put this on his head and he looked in a mirror and he walked away from the mirror without saying to himself, hey, self, Maybe I should look. Maybe I shouldn't look like Zoltan and wear a pink turban with one of the Infinity Stones from Avengers on it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Too wordy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Too wordy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wordy. Nerd.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He tried the Dane Cook words.

[Bobby Kelly]

He tried to Jim Norton it with nerd terms.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, that's a real. That's very Dane Cook. I hear the thing. He went over detailed in writing it. It's such a long sentence without. This is the whole sentence. He put this on his. He put this on his head and looked at himself in the mirror. And he walked away from the mirror without saying. Without saying to himself, hey, self, maybe I shouldn't look like. It's too many negatives in it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do it like Dane Cook, though. He put it on his head and looked in the mirror and walked away from the mirror. There was a mirror, and he walked away from the mirror without even saying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

To himself, I know it's audio, Bobby, but I need you to do the Dane Cook that you do. That makes me happy when you. You walk away from the thing. You did the thing. Yeah. So you gotta walk away. I'm walking away. There's a mirror. I'm walking away from the. The mirror's here. And then I'm walking away from it.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then there's a. I have a turban. It's on my head. It's wrapped around. Wrapped around. That's what you do with turbines. Wrap them around. And then I walk back to the mirror. I didn't look in the mirror. I just went out. Without even looking at my fucking face. What the fuck's wrong with me?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You got to pull that turbine up a little bit because now I'm seeing top of head.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, no. I think I'm going to do. I'm thinking I might switch it to a headband.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

I might just go headband.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, why? Then you have to go low headband over the eyes like you're in suicidal tendencies.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like this?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I go headband. How about this? Better.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It looks badass.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is very American Indian. Like Comanche, even a little lower over the eyes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know it's not comfortable.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not comfortable at all.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But no one sees your eyes. And then you have to look like this when you go, hey, fucker.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, fucker. Yeah, hey, fucker.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, fucker.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's. You know what, fucker? It's on tantagious, man. But yeah, it's very untantageous. It's Austin Tagiant. Austin Tagiant, man. It's Whatever. I want it to be Hans. If I want to say untantageous or dangerous, it means a lot. Too much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

English is my third language, yo.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know two languages. One is. One is Spanish. The other one's you off. Blood in, blood out, homs. Yo, Christine, how you doing?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's up?

[Bobby Kelly]

What's up? I know you're his.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yo. Take your pants off or shut the up.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're his madre, but it's okay. Is madre girlfriend. No, is madre mother.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay. Duolingo is doing good for me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm 300.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christina's my mother, Bobby. She just looks like my mother. That's just because I look very good for my age. That's not her fault.

[Bobby Kelly]

She just treats you like she's your mother.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you want for dinner, honey? Okay, I'm bringing it down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll order it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I ordered everything. Lights all set? All right. Call me in the morning.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lights all set? For sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that's my mother. It's Joe Derosa. Want me to answer it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like your methods of distraction. To say it's not crazy that you had that ringer on while we're doing a show, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I always shut my phone off. And I have. But I turned my phone on to look up the word ostentatious.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right?

[Bobby Kelly]

And now I have it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, you couldn't look up that word because once again, you massacred it and said it wrong. No. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ostentatious.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ostentation?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nope.

[Bobby Kelly]

Austintagious?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Whoa. Am I fucking you up now?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Am I making you dumb?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think so.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's up? Come on, baby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is Joe DeRosa okay? You want to text check with him?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How did I learn? We do the bonfire, Fuck face.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I know. He knows that we're doing the Bonfire five. I told him. I call him back later.

[Jacob]

They're saying just. It's shush.

[Bobby Kelly]

What'd you say?

[Jacob]

You're saying Jess at the end?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's just when Jay does it, he does it with kind eyes. When you do it, you do it with disdain. In your face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He is sick of you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, man, it's. Can you change your face?

[Jacob]

I can't, okay? I've tried.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby, how about this? Now, the way that's sitting on your head right now, Bobby?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm thinking a different look because it's taking on different looks. The more it moves around now. I'm thinking maybe like a Moni Love Moni in the middle, kind of oversized, yellow, like, 90s hip hop, 1991 hip hop hat. Do you know what I'm saying? No. Bring a picture of Moni Love, please.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bring up that ostentatious hat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did I get it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ostentatious. Thank you. I hate him, too. I really do hope we come out. There's an ambulance out front and that guy's in it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, the guy didn't enjoy your comedy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, first of all, he's never seen my comedy. Because if you see my comedy, I'm funny. And number two, the exchange with you is like, hey, man, thanks, bro. Me, we had a little fun. We had a little back and forth. I made him laugh. It's like, who's funny, you or me?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What if he's kidnapping your son right now? He just hasn't let it go yet. He's still pissed.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go ahead. Max will choke him out and Don will bore him with her stories.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm thinking that. Dude, somebody in the. I think somebody in the middle hats for you. I don't mind some floppy brim.

[Bobby Kelly]

I like it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tall hats.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And do you see how Bobby's. How it is right now on his head? It's kind of that. A little bit of that look. Little high hat.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sure. You give me the fucking hi hat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Little flappy hi hat. I think this would be a good one for you. If we're looking for a look for.

[Bobby Kelly]

You, we're gonna find something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Have you thought about studded jackets that say things in the back like, bob rules.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was gonna get one that says rogue with a rose on it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

How about that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You should just get a leather jacket with studded on the back. It just says Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan confused the fuck out of everybody.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, Just have a kettlebell on the sleeve.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why does he have a jacket? This is Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan collection. Yeah. The Joe Rogan make that?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, I made it myself.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I did.

[Bobby Kelly]

I sell them after my show at the Mother Show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Joe Rogan jackets that. What a good place. It would be great. What's great merch you could sell after a fucking. Your weekend at the Mothership. What's Mothership? Exclusive merch you can sell at that. Needles. Needles?

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. Subcutaneous needles. Maybe. I think maybe like, whey protein with, like a funny joke on the lid.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you could. You could probably sell some type of dumbbell or a kettlebell.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Any shirt that says the word bitch at the end. Whatever the quote is with the word bitch. Yeah. My, my. Your workout is my warmup bitch. What's that black loaf I like the one.

[Bobby Kelly]

Your life. My life is your vacation.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, bitch. Look, I have the word bitch at.

[Bobby Kelly]

The end of it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The mothership energy is very bitch at the end of your sentence. Well, let's go, bitch. Stop talking about it, Start doing it, bitch.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't suck, bitch.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't suck, bitch.

[Bobby Kelly]

Unless you're a bitch.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Be funny, bitch. I saw you weren't up there doing fucking push ups or shadow boxing. Good luck out there, Bobby. No.

[Jacob]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Jacob]

It's awful.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You didn't want to lie to you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to tell you why. Can I tell you what happened?

[Jacob]

It's not the first time. I've already. You've done it twice today.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I didn't do it the first show.

[Jacob]

No, I mean, like 10 minutes ago.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, in this show?

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna tell you why. I'm gonna explain to you. We went for lunch and we went to soup lump. Soup dumplings. And soup dumplings go through me like soup dumplings.

[Jacob]

This is a yp, not an mp. You're making it an mp.

[Bobby Kelly]

What the is he saying to me?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your problem is that you had soup dumplings. Knowing what does your stomach. My problem and my being the Jacob here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, Gen Z, want to just say your sentence.

[Jacob]

That's from the greatest movie of all time.

[Bobby Kelly]

All time. True romance.

[Jacob]

Well, all right. I'm gonna say Boogie Nights.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why are you cracking ass, Lou?

[Bobby Kelly]

Make me hot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Everything all right?

[Bobby Kelly]

I just. I was a. You know, what happened is the beef broth that we had, the broth that we had at that place.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You had.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had. I. I had. You had some.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob. I know I'm going to be around people. I don't eat beef broth. I had three pork soup dumplings. I kept it light so my stomach will be okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is what I like about you, Jay. You have little techniques, sneaky techniques that you don't tell me about.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Staying away from broth on a. On a show day.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

That, you know, goes right through you. Well, you purpose. You know that broth goes through you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Your voice goes right through me. How's that? I mean, I did not know this. Not all broths go through me, but this broth happened to go through me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't have broth. Bobby and Christine had broth, which I could also tell over there that DJ Lou has been constantly getting cracked by Christine's farts all day.

[Christine]

No, I. Broth makes you fart. It's just broth.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't let me. Don't shame me. Don't shame me. Don't broth shame me.

[Christine]

Sassy about broth.

[Bobby Kelly]

Goes right through me. Goes right through me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What does that mean?

[Christine]

It's like a light lunch.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's the broth goes right through me and, like, mixes with the other poo and then comes out the other end as a toot. Yeah.

[Jacob]

He wasn't gonna say anything.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I gave it.

[Jacob]

Live in it. Live in it.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, you live in it. I gave it to you. It was for you.

[Jacob]

We're all living in it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not me.

[Jacob]

It's not in you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'd be upset.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's out of me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'd be upset. I'd be upset if it got over here, but it didn't make its way.

[Jacob]

I don't know why. For some reason, it. Because I left it over to your. Your end.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll tell you why. Because I respect Jay, and I. I. When I do it, I do it over in that way towards you.

[Christine]

It sticks to you guys.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you send it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I send it.

[Jacob]

It creates a barrier.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you send it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Send it. I send it over that way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like this. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't go this way. I don't just let it go rogue. Dude, you're my partner, dude. I would never do that to you during a show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What if I have to stop talking because I gotta go in the middle of it?

[Bobby Kelly]

I send it right over to that little angry face of yours, Jacob. That's not me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's the job of executive producer. That's the executive producer's job. You gotta be the fall guy, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

You gotta take the hits, bro. Take the hits, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I know for a fact this is in the job description.

[Bobby Kelly]

And don't, don't forget, I've been drinking body brain coffee by Louis J. Gomez, which goes through me, too.

[Jacob]

A lot of liquid.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, dude, you've been sniffing farts since Foxhole.

[Bobby Kelly]

I tell you, I did that band workout this morning.

[Jacob]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

And that. That loosens up everything, too. So it kind of gets everything excuses.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All the other great things he's done today. Can I tell you, I'm also doing a cleanse, so that probably does it. I've also been getting up, like, in the middle of the night just to do push ups. And I think that kind of makes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do do that.

[Jacob]

I did do that stuff coming together here.

[Bobby Kelly]

And don't forget the new tea I got. There's a new tea I'm taking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, God. On the tea.

[Bobby Kelly]

Also, I'm sipping on Don's menopause tea.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Rogan Life, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Get it together by the Way not real.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All my life. As soon as you. It's right by the door of the green room. On your way out. You have to touch it. Like the sign in Notre Dame.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Get it together.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't like. I don't like the word at the end of it. Seems like it's. There's no thought put into it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love everything.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Some like calling guys in that regard. Just the thing where it's like just that move, you know. Well then get up off your ass. It's like that's just such a.

[Bobby Kelly]

Makes me feel good. I mean it motivates me. Joe Rogan is really the man. I love it. He motivates me. Just call him a no, but like the crazy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What you're. He's a man. Are you nuts?

[Bobby Kelly]

He's a guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This guy will kill you. You are clearly not in the verse. Is that turban too tight? What are you saying?

[Bobby Kelly]

I love him. He's my friend, but I love him. I love that he motivates people. Gas, snacks, tolls. This trip is draining my wallet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but we'll be with family. You're in a good mood.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's your deal?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's my deal? I saved at Metro with no activation.

[Bobby Kelly]

Fees and I got one line of 5G for just $25 per month. Kept the phone I love and a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

5 year price guarantee on my top tuxt and data detour to Metro.

[Bobby Kelly]

Get that more for your money feeling only at Metro by T Mobile.

[Christine]

Just bring your number. $30 first month and $25 after with autopay not available. If with Metro T Mobile in the past 180 days.

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

Throw it out. No, dude, wear it. I don't want to.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I drink enough water today? I had a bad night last night. Yeah, yeah, dude, I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's been a rough week. I know you. You fell down on cnn, ate like Joe Biden Free Press.

[Bobby Kelly]

What are you talking about?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The Free Press thing you did talk about.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah, it's been a. I had a great night with you Friday night. Great night.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You gotta feel good having those farts out of your body, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, they're not all out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, listen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Watch out, Steven Singer.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you want to know or do you want to not know?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank God those roses are covered in gold.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know why it has going.

[Jacob]

It's coming one way or the other.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me ask you a question. What I'm saying is, do you want to know that the car is going to hit you or do you want to just get hit by the car?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Here's what I want. I want you to fart.

[Jacob]

I want to just get hit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I want you to fart and have the gold melt off the rose. And then the rose turn brown. What he gives us, you go, oh, Steven, do these things hold up. He goes, oh, oh, the gold and the flower.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now I got a coin. Yeah, Friday night was fun. I had. I can only. I love my family. I love being home. I really do. But I can't do four days in a row because I lose my brain. So I went out with you Friday night to get yourself a nice little watch. Oh, I did get on this little watch. Yeah, I did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Treat yourself.

[Bobby Kelly]

I got a Casio, but it was a G shock. But it's clear with a gray clear band. It's a. It's a travel watch.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's how Josh. By the way, Josh can butter up Bobby good. Even when Bobby's kind of like Josh, all they gotta do is they start looking at watches together. And Josh just will, like, have that conversation. No reason. Josh should be having conversations about $20,000 watches. Is it the one with the. With this kind of system? He knows the stuff because he wants to give a shit about it also. He's also involved everybody in the world in his watch buying decisions or something.

[Bobby Kelly]

So everybody's his dad. What do you think I should get this one or that one? Here's 17 photos of 17 watches. What do you like? Dude, it's wild. Let me tell you something. I. I was kind of disappointed when I left because I didn't get Joshed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, there was no big joshing.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was hoping to get a nice hot job. I miss it. You crave it. I wanted to get a nice, hot Josh.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's a couple, though. How about this? You got a couple? Show push. Let's start the show a little bit later. That was one.

[Bobby Kelly]

What was that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Josh asked me if we start show later. Remember, it was only the one show.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was to you, but. Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, it was to the guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

What was your show? It was to your show. We were walking around, he's like. Jay's like, we got to get going because the show's gonna start in like 10 minutes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And Josh goes, wow, we can start it late. We can do it late. Your show. We can just start late.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I'm like, is that the way you look at this business?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's like, what? You can't just start the show late.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They ain't gonna start till you get there. He goes, yeah, but if I'm out, if I'm in a mall store, I mean, Foot locker downstairs. It's not a good reason.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. We're an room. And with 20 minutes away. Because you can't get out. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't understand how the escape room works.

[Bobby Kelly]

Idiot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I told Bobby. Bobby laugh when I showed him the escape room. We went to the. The comedy club is next to a escape room. That's one of those ones, like, when you figure out the one room, like a door opens like a spaceship door opens with, like, smoke coming out.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's like Raiders of the lost ark.

[Christine]

All right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But in real life, for some reason, like maybe five years ago or more, we were up there. It was me, Christine Lewis. Lewis was dating Kim Congdon. That we walked by. It still exists somehow. And we all laughed before we walked by because I didn't want him to look in to even prove that I was right about this yet. I go, I don't know why we know that place was there. And then we went into this one. It's another escape room. Place in there. But the escape rooms are, like, only one room, and it's like, this size.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not even.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's like a massage room.

[Bobby Kelly]

It looks like a massage parlor.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It does. And you go in there, and you have to figure it out. And then they give you clues as much as you want. Cause they don't give a fuck. They just want this over with. A lot of the clues are in pencil and shit. One of the clues, in fact, they came out, and they go. They came out. They go, you guys need a clue. That blurry, that smudge number on that piece of paper is an eight, not a six. They're like, that's the clue. And they go. A lot of people make that mistake. Goes, that's not a clue. That means you have to fix the thing. We'd been moving and shaking. If we saw that that was a six for a long time. I gave up. I tell you, that escape room broke down things. I stopped doing the escape room. I just said, once there was a chair. I was like, I'm gonna sit in the chair. I go, you guys escape. I don't care about this at all.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but the other escape room, like, a wall will go up and a ball will come. It's, like, amazing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This one. This is high tech.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's a doorknob you could literally unlock with your fingernail.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can leave whenever you want.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's like a bathroom door.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can leave whenever you want.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you can just leave.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was so bad.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And the clue was like, what's next? He goes, you know, if you want to take a look, maybe the answer's in a book. And just, like, only one book in the room. I guess it's in there. We're almost like, it's too easy. And then we're stuck for 45 minutes on one thing. And they go, you want a clue? That's an eight, not a six.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. If you can't see, maybe you got to take a pee. And there's just a toilet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Everything was so. It was so obvious and bad, but we were.

[Bobby Kelly]

He did. But I left that night, and I was like, oh, shit. I didn't get joshed, but I did. I got. I got micro. Josh, number one. We're going back to the car. First of all, we go into the room, the green room, and there's a couch, and there's two, like, regular metal chairs. And then there's this comfortable holy chair. A nice chair to sit in, Right. Josh, like, runs in and sits down in that comfortable chair, like their house. That's my chair. This is where I sit. He sat down in that chair, like, immediately, like, almost, like, hugged around the chair to get into it faster.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a chair.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I just like you, dude. You can have the fucking chair, dude. You don't have to fuck. It's not. We're not playing musical chairs. That's how fast he got in the chair. Like, there was music playing. It stopped and he jumped in the chair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And again, it's not. Yeah, it's Michael Josh's. It's more like big bad things. And these are all fine things, technically. It's just weird when you're hosting the show, particularly also that, like, the lady, you know, with everything, you know, what do you guys want? I'll just bring, like, four appetizer things and, you know, bring like, some. The two wings and however they come and whatever, whatever, no big deal. And then at one point, you're coming and you see the girl running back in there with, like, a tray that's got, like, four loose burger patties with, like, some kind of other, like, you know, he's like, I just want him full. What, proteins. It's just a weird ask for the club, dude. Yeah, dude, it's a weird ass.

[Bobby Kelly]

But so the other one. So then we go out to the. The stage and the. The other kid, John, is on, a really nice kid, and he's on. And I'm back there getting ready to go on. I'm gonna do a little spot. And Josh is just talking about Josh. And he's going on and on and on to the point where he hypnotized me. I'm like, hyp. I'm literally just staring at his face. And you care.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You start to care.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I'm somewhere else, and I'm like. And I start answering him. And then I went, josh. I literally went, josh, shut the fuck up. I'm about to go on stage in a minute or so. I need to kind of think about what I'm doing. He said, yeah, I know. I'm sorry about that. Sometimes I go off. Sometimes I just talk. I don't know why I talk. Billy said that to me one time. I gotta stop. And he just went into it again and got me again. I was just staring at his face for another minute to the point where I had a talk. And then I told you this, though. He came off stage, he's like, they're tough. They're not good. Then, you know, whatever. You know, you'll have a good time at a. And I walked on And I fucking. I killed. And I walked off and go, it was you, by the way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's the thing, by the way. That's the other thing, too. He's doing. He's doing this to himself. I told him this, too. This thing. He's. He's. He wanted to do shows with me, and if he's not working, I'm like, yeah, dude, come do the show. He's going, I think. I think he's going to. Yeah, he is going to Florida with me this weekend. Yeah. And like, he wants to do show. And then he comes out, he goes, dude. He goes, I go out there. I just see your fans. I just know. All I think about is the Reddit thing and Josh sucks and Josh is an idiot. And I go, why do you go on Reddit and look at your name ever? It's stupid.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's stupid.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's the same thing as they are about me. Josh, I promise you. And it's just like you're going out there to think like. I go, then if that's the. Why do you keep asking to do the show? You do these shows and you come off. He goes, they hated me right away. Ah, fucking went terrible. I don't know. This crowd just hates my guts. And me, I'm like, buddy, that's just like a terrible way to feel about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

First of all, it's hard to go out in front of somebody else's crowd and host to go out cold. It's a tough spot. It takes a couple minutes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My audience knows Josh for sure, of.

[Bobby Kelly]

Course, but it is a hard thing to. They just got food, blah, blah, blah. You got to take that into account. Cut yourself some fucking slack. But then he. Then he Joshes me again. We're leaving. Micro Josh not full. I didn't get full Josh.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you had a good time.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did. I love Josh.

[Christine]

That just means you didn't snap, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Micro Josh. Micro Josh is when you had a.

[Bobby Kelly]

Good night, Had a great night.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you can get micro joshed until you can get away from Josh to talk to somebody else about the joshing, it's great. It's a great night.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you talk about. So we're going to the car and I just. Jay, go. Because he's just one of the sweetest. He's always looking out for somebody else. He goes, where'd you park? I go, I parked way down on the other end of Target. And he goes, I'll give you a ride. I parked right out front. Let me drive you over there. I go, all Right. Great. But as we're walking out to the car, I'm just. I'm just looking at Josh, and he's kind of speeding his walk up. He's kind of. It's almost like Mario Brothers where he's getting in his lane to make a passenger seat this fucking. He's like a kid. He wants shotgun. You know what I mean? But it's like, you know, if we're going. If. Look, you know, I don't care about a backseat. I don't give a shit. But I. He almost kind of runs and jumps in and. Like this, where I sit next to Jake.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I do feel, though, in the. If we were all driving back together somewhere, though, he would get in the back. No, I do think that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't think so.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I do.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's worse than Max. He would jump in the front seat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Max doesn't understand why you're in the front seat, not him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, no. I mean, look, if I was walking with somebody, if I say Josh was driving, he was driving, and I was with him, and you were. If I was with somebody, I would be like, yo, I would. All you have to do is go, you want the front seat? I would just say to Jay, jay, you want front seat because of who you are. You know what I mean? And I've known Jay a long time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sometimes size. Also size.

[Bobby Kelly]

Some good size, too, but, you know, and, you know, career, but I mean, accomplishments, accoutrements. Did I say that right? But he. Yeah, I just. I knew. Here's the thing. I'm. It's a micro Josh. It's not a big deal. But I saw it happen. Like I forecast it. I was like, he's gonna get that front seat. I know he's gonna get that front seat. I knew he was gonna go and get the most comfortable chair, and he jumped in the front seat and just. Let's go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, you know what's interesting?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Theoretically, for setup there, if you're going by the thing, and this was just a booking times when they were booked issue, because John's been doing comedy a lot long. Less. A lot, lot less than Josh. And it just hasn't done as much as Josh does. So Josh would have been. If they were booked together, instead of Josh asking last minute if he can jump on, it would have been the flip side.

[Bobby Kelly]

You should have Jon host and then Josh go up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right. But I wasn't gonna change. I was giving him his first opportunity featuring John. So I don't want to pull that from him to be like, well, Josh.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is gonna be harder for Jon, too, to go up front. You know what I mean?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was better. It was good spot.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a good spot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I mean, I would have went out first.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would have fucking went out. I don't care. I'll go out and host and the crowd would have been pumped up by the time you got on, but everybody would. Had a good spot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But no, but even when they, when they came in, when I picked them up to go to the show. Yeah, when they came out of John's house, as much as Josh just like, goes like, right for the front seat. And the thing is like, sure. But I'm like, I wonder. I'm like, did they have a conversation inside or is John just like merrily going like, nah, I'll sit in the back. I mean, again, we are. Me and Josh are like closer friends.

[Bobby Kelly]

Of course, but it's. Even if you're not closer, he's gonna go for that seat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, that's. You're arguing. I'm wondering if he would.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a. Josh that he wants to get his, like, Josh getting that front seat over you? Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You think so?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

On a real drive.

[Bobby Kelly]

He would. On a real drive. I wouldn't let it fucking happen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, I know that. I'm not even arguing that, but I'm saying we're doing the thing. Let's. This, yeah, this is a great example here. We're going to drive to Philly. Hey, we're going. Josh is going to go with ring a cheesesteaks for a game. We're going to watch.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Something.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're doing three hours round trip. Four hours maybe. Fun. You think Josh argues for the front seat at all?

[Bobby Kelly]

Wouldn't argue. He doesn't argue for the front seat. Goes for it and makes you ask for it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, and then it's a.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's kind of an LA thing. You understand, like east coast people. We have kind of a code where it's like, hey, do you want front seat? We'll ask. You want to sit in front? No, I, you know, I would, but if you don't, if you want, I don't care. LA people go for it. They go, get it. Just get it. Get yours. You know? See what I'm saying? He would not ask. Don't bring it up. You just go for it and make me say something. Cause then he would go, nah, you can sit up front. I don't care.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm tough with that especially. I'm the person. I get so Many. I get so much shit of. Someone picks you up a comic in another city or something like, hey, you want to ride home from the club? And it's a comic who's got his girlfriend or something with him, and the girlfriend gets in the backseat and, And I'm always just like, no, no, no, I'm getting out where I went.

[Bobby Kelly]

They're like, oh, no.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's like, you're tall, you're. And they're being nice, but I hate that. I'm almost like, I'll just squeeze in the back. We're going three blocks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because you have a moral compass. Do you understand? Do you understand that? Yeah. You're fine. You know, it's. You have a moral compass. You know right from wrong.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

This is the third Josh seat taking story that I know of.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to, I want to preface this for the Reddit. It's a micro Josh, Micro Josh. I, I, we had a fun time. I love Josh, love hanging out with him and he did great. He didn't, he didn't bomb. He went out and that crowd was, you know, they're eating. You gotta forget these levities and improvs. They're eating a full meal and drinking and chowing. But, you know, but Josh is going.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you her in the ass or not.

[Bobby Kelly]

How much money do you make a year?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Poor Josh, he's so on edge, Josh. So it bums me. I do feel bad because, like, you know, I bust his ball so much. Really? And then I just feel him like it bums him out like beyond the thing. So when I said that, I was like, dude, I go, your drops are my favorite drops in the bonfire. He goes, yeah. It was like, me sound like a idiot or being. I go, no, no. It's like singing things like you're doing the skidoo thing. He's like, oh, I'm surprised. It's not just something on me or something.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, dude, I, you guys called me up. I dress like a cupid. Yeah. On. Yeah, dude, you gotta listen. You cannot go. The comments and the Reddits are not for you. They're for them. You can't. Who gives a fuck? You can. The only thing Josh is trying to do, or any of us trying to do is entertain people. For amount of time when you come on, you're gonna do stuff that people are gonna make fun of you for. They're gonna do stuff that's gonna suck, you're gonna fail. But you got to he, for the most part, Josh is so fun when he Comes on the show and fudgeing. It's great. You know, I mean, I get school. I play that. Hey, Melissa.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Fucking marshmallows.

[Bobby Kelly]

Marshmallow you, dude, you got to grow with that shit if you can't roll with that shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He does roll with it. He just thinks that the underlying thing is like, yeah, I'm rolling with the fact that most people hate me for the bonfire. I'm like, they don't hate you. Listen, those things.

[Bobby Kelly]

Most people hate me on the bonfire. Fucking Facebook page. People left because they were sick of defending me. You know what I mean? It's like, dude, what are you gonna do, man? You gotta. You can't. You gotta. You gotta roll with it and be like. You just understand it. It is what it is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's all it is. The bitching soundboard.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude, they like to, man. I mean, that guy up front was dead wrong about me being not as funny you, but, I mean, he could just see me. If you could just come to one of my shows, I can get you tickets.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you're out there, dude, I know you listen to all my work, so if you're out there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Me and Patrice used to do that after shows. We used to stand in front and go and see who got the most U2s. Oh, you too. Hey, man, you were the funniest guy. You too. You were good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no, you were there. Yeah, dude, I was like. You were there. Tell him how good he was.

[Bobby Kelly]

So. So. Friday night was awesome. Had a great night. Went home awesome. I just felt good getting out, you know what I mean? Not being in. And then Saturday night, the was Saturday Free Press. No, Saturday night was family night.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Whatever.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sunday. Had to wake up at seven. Max had a wrestling tournament, which is the wor. Dude, there's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, it depends how fast you come. If you finish the boys rolling around the floor with each other early, dude, then it's just. You're waiting to die. After that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I gotta take my turban off. I was fucking overheating, dude. I was passed up. My eyes were getting wet. I was fucking. I think I'm bleeding out of my nose. No, it's. It's because they have like 15 schools show up and they do weight class, but there's like 765 pound kids in seventh grade and Max is 185, so there's only like four kids at his weight class. Yeah, so we had to wait till the end. Then they put him up against this kid. It was two and a half hours before he fought. We're sitting on these hard benches. My flat ass is killing me. I hate it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bring a little pillow and just accept age.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. Dude, I. I brought. I put my scarf down. I was sitting on my scarf, but it kept flattening out. I had. I kept fluffing it up like a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's gayer than bringing a cushion.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was 100. Gayer than a cushion.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then. And then. Now bring a cushion. You can use your scarf. What? It's supposed to be a turban.

[Bobby Kelly]

So. So that's a ring, by the way, not a scarf. So Max finally fights, but he was sitting there watching. He's talking to this kid who's like six. Six feet, maybe a little. Maybe. Maybe six something. And he looks like he's 230 pounds. He looked like a man in a singlet. And Max is, like, talking to him and shaking his hand. And Don goes, I hope it's not him. Sure enough, this kid. They line up, and Max. I mean, look, he did his best.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The kid just handled him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, the kid. Dude, if I show, I'll show you the arm. The kid's arm was bigger than mine and yours.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Muscular, dude. He was shredded. But how old is he? 13.

[Bobby Kelly]

This kid, I think he was an eighth grader. Max is a seventh grader. But this guy was like. I don't think they had another 8, 185 for him to fight what it was. And this kid didn't have a. Definitely didn't have a two something. So this kid grabbed him, took him down. He was all bummed out. Then I had to leave. He won a second match. Just give him credit. He handled. He beat the. Out of the kid. The next match, he did great. So we lost one. One.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He goes. It was a kid they had to pick out of his wheelchair and put him on the ground in the position. Everyone gets to wrestle. Everyone gets to wrestle.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I had to leave early because. Gnome, your friend, Gnome. Noam, your new friend, Noam.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I'm Dwarman.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely.

[Bobby Kelly]

He asked me a couple weeks ago to do this. This show for the Free press, which I don't even know what the is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What is it?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I think it's. It's a. Like a website or a magazine. Tim Dillon just made fun of the. The lady who runs it. He actually dressed like her nice and whatever. So I'm like, dude, I don't know if I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, it's a political thing, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a political thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

And they have Colin Quinn, Judy Gold, right? And this kid Alex. What's his name? Christine. Alex.

[Christine]

English.

[Bobby Kelly]

English.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Who's that?

[Bobby Kelly]

He's a new guy.

[Christine]

He was an sl. SNL writer for a while.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he's like a gay black guy. Really good guy. Really good guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

Funny guy. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I have nothing. I'm just a dirty white guy. And I go down there. As soon as I get into the room, dude, I'm like, I'm gonna bomb. This is not right. This is not. This is. You know that feeling?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

When you look at the crowd and you're like, they're gonna hate me. This is not my. This is not gonna work.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

My jokes are not gonna work.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then on stage, they had chairs all lined up, five of them, so there's no stage. You had to just stand. Like, there was the chairs in front of the chairs, and you couldn't move or have, you know, dude, I like to move.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Fucking knees are on their table.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude, I like to fucking move.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And original seller, correct?

[Bobby Kelly]

No. Village Vu.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bigger stage. Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bigger stage.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Still. Still.

[Bobby Kelly]

They took up the whole stage, the chairs. So I'm just standing in the front. And first of all, Judy goes up and does. I mean, Judy's. I love Judy. She's hilarious. But she goes up and does.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, A lot of exposition there, Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

She. No, no, she. I do love. She's hilarious. But she went up and did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Say it again.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's. She's awesome. I love her. She's one of the best in the business.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lay a few more out.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do love Judy. She's great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Five more.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then. I mean, she's fantastic. She's one of the best.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes. And I mean, three more.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, she is just a solid comedian, and I love her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And she's awesome.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, so Jews. Exactly. She goes up and it's. I guess it's for the Jews, this event, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What isn't anymore a loss.

[Bobby Kelly]

A loss. Ask Dave Smith. Every rally, everything, every award show, what.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it about that anymore? Gaza.

[Bobby Kelly]

So she goes up and she has this really funny joke about being in Israel when the bombings had. Couldn't get out in her son. And it's murdering because it's, you know, it's. It's topical. It just happened. It's about the Jews. And I'm going up next. I'm like, I. I shouldn't go up first on this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You saved a black child in Costa Rica, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

I should have told that story. It would have been way better than going up and talking about sticking shit in my ass.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You should Be like, I saved her, brought her back to the country. And then I had ice Killer.

[Bobby Kelly]

Buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I from. I went up there and just didn't have it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, no. You realize as soon as you got there, you didn't want to do it anymore, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I felt like. I felt like I worked at, like, Best Buy. That was the energy I had when I got up there. I was like, hey, what's going on? You know? And they were just looking at me, and I was like. In my head, I go, you don't got it. And I went into a joke. I. I can't even remember the first joke I did, but it was not the joke I should have did. I did some joke. It got.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, why can't Ray Charles Reed?

[Bobby Kelly]

That would have killed. No, no.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, maybe.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe I. I did another joke, and it did mediocre. The jokes weren't hitting fully. They were kind of. It was kind of like sputtering. Like, I get a laugh, and then I do the tag, and it would get nothing. And then, you know, I'm energetic too, so the energy bomb is the worst bomb of all.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby's in a marshmallows pose. Bobby's giving a fucking hummer, not heights. Point. You should have pulled out all the hits, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, you should have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Stool. You should have got.

[Bobby Kelly]

I couldn't still. There was too many stools on the stage.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wait, the other one's gonna get jealous. Just pick a store it. Dude. Funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, what made you think you should do this?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hello. Hello, chairs. Don't. Don't fight. There's plenty for all of you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, I start speed doing my act. I start speed through. Dude, I'm going.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, don't look down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's why you're thinking in your mind. You go, no, no, no. Every word I'm saying. We'll get to it. I promise. We'll get to the funny parts, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I go into. I go into this other joke, and. And then I start going into hits. And the hits, the timings off. I'm going too fast.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You have no confidence in it.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I'm going downhill with no brakes, and I can't. I. I can't go slower. I. I'm going. I'm just. I'm building up speed. And then I go into a joke. I don't know where it came from about sticking stuff in your ass, okay? And the girl in the front row.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Free press is too good for that.

[Bobby Kelly]

The girl in the front row, this lady, she goes, oh, no, no. And I Just, I just doubled down. I go, why? You never stuck something in your ass? No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I thought this was the free press.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's what I wanted.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This sounds like the oppressed, if you know what I'm saying. Wink, wink, I'm out of here. You should have started crying and screaming and covering your ears.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just started yelling in her face and I was like, this is the free press. I just supposed to say whatever the fuck I want. I go, finger in your ass. You never stuck something in your ass. I go, I stuck, I stuck this finger in my ass tonight. And I went, smell it. And I put it in her face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, God, that woman. Gloria Allred.

[Bobby Kelly]

I heard Colin Kringo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He didn't go on yet, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had to say, good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did he go on after you?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, he's going last, of course, because he's the great Conan.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did he kill.

[Bobby Kelly]

Of course, dude, he's murdered. Yeah, he's got fucking great political jokes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He goes, hey, you guys want me to run some of my one man shows?

[Bobby Kelly]

So then I literally had to go. I go, okay, I. I go, I shouldn't have been here. I'm out. And I just left and I get off stage and I'm, you know, I'm like, oh, off. And. And then the kid Alex went up. He went up, great gay, black, hey, people. And he's very, he's very funny. He's a very funny kid. He's hilarious. He's great funny. But he went up and I went upstairs. I was like, it, I'm out. But I have to go back on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's a panel, they're gonna ask you questions now about hard politic questions. Why are you involved, by the way? By the way, I like that you. I'm gonna take a little, I'm gonna take a little. Bobby. I'll take a little credit here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And say, you know, this is your, this is your bear, bear talking right now. Okay. When you. I think you take it as an affront when I say things to you. When you go, I gotta do this thing for the Free Press with Gnome on Sunday. And I said, as soon as I found out, I go, wait, for real? And you went, yeah. I go, oh, get out of that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was telling you to come over on Sunday. I was like, I was like, get out of that. And you go, I can't do this Gnome. And it's blah, blah. I go, but what's the point of you doing. It's the free press. I go, this is like a politically based thing. And he's like, yeah, it's me, Colin, Judy Gold. I mean, he might as well have said, like, Tom Brokaw. And so why were you asked to be part of this and why did.

[Bobby Kelly]

You say yes to it? I'll tell you why. I very rarely do I bomb. Very rarely do I bomb. So in my brain, I'm not thinking, I'm saying, I shouldn't do this. I probably will bomb. But in your brain, you're like, I could do. I got it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But why the panel if it was just comedy, Maybe even like, I'll entertain whoever. Why'd you think afterwards you'd like to hear your just your real deep thoughts about that little dust up going on in the Ukraine right now?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, we went. So I walk up to Noam, I go, fuck you. He goes. He goes. I go, why would you put me on this? He goes, I don't know. I just. He goes, I don't. He's laughing, by the way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I look at names, I just say them.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's laughing. Colin told me to put you on. He thought you said you'd be good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I go, oh, Colin said, yeah, I.

[Bobby Kelly]

Exactly. I go, I should have just been on the panel. I could have been on the panel and just sat there and thrown quips or been funny or said stupid shit. I'm not. I shouldn't do these people. Don't get my fucking comedy. He's like, I know now. Gnome loved it. He was dying that I bombed. He goes, why would you. He goes, why would you talk about sticking stuff in your ass in front of the free press?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, Bobby, it might seem like he loves it, but you better hope they don't have to write a book that might come out a little bit different when they retell the story.

[Bobby Kelly]

So then Colin goes up and he goes. And then I. We all have to go for this panel. And I'm like, ugh. So we all go up on the stage for the panel, but I can say I knew I was gonna save myself.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Mr. Kelly, do you feel like your bomb was more devastating than the one that took that hospital out over in Palestine?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, it is funny because they were talking about the word woke. First of all, I went up. The first thing I said, I go, I wasn't supposed to be here. You guys are not my tax bracket. My tax bracket is 125A year or less. You guys suck. I shouldn't have been here. And then they start talking about the word woke, right? They were taking questions or whatever and Gnome was asking questions and the kid Alex was like, you know, can I just say something about this word? That's our word, you know, that's black people's word.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

People are gay people, black people.

[Bobby Kelly]

The black people poseide.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But not black. Gay people.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, just black people. He goes, white. White people took that word from us. It meant woke to the black struggle.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, you took our favorite word.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, hang on, let me give it before you bury it. So he. He goes like this. He goes, I would like. I would like to do a trade. I would like to take that word back and we'll give you back the N word. I literally just stood up, walked over my.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Go.

[Bobby Kelly]

Deal.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I just shook his hand.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I love it.

[Bobby Kelly]

But that's official. I was. I was two seconds away from saying the word, though I thought would be hilarious, but I'd be canceled.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've been there, too. And I almost hear the click, the clock ticking. You're almost like, let time run out before I make this terrible decision. I've done that so much on podcasts. You're sitting there, you go, this is going to be a doozy. But if it hits, it's going to hit big. And you just go. It's like, maybe the time will run out. You start having a conversation with yourself. You go, it's only about 10 minutes. I probably shouldn't do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I walked over, I go, deal. And I almost said it, and I was like, colin would love this. Colin would laugh at this for the rest of his life. But I'm done. And I pulled back, and I was going to negotiate the F word because he's gay, too. I was like, can we mix? Can we. Can we get this one? Is there any chance we get this back?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, if you don't need retards while you're at it.

[Bobby Kelly]

So then actually, it was weird because it was this serious thing that I don't understand why they want a comedy show. But the guy stands up, he goes, you know comedy. And the comics are out there talking about against Israel, blah, blah, blah. Like comics like Dave Smith, who. And he starts bringing about. How do you feel about what Dave Smith is saying about this? I love calling. He goes, not talking about other comedians.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I go. I go, that's right. I go, with a mob. We don't rat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you go, but Dave Smith is a fucking commie piece of shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

But Colin was like, forget it. Oh, we're way past.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, we're way past. We gotta take a break. Bobby Kelly's gonna be at the Comedy Work south in Denver, Colorado this weekend, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Make sure you get your tickets for that over at Punch up that Live Robert Kelly. We can get all of his tour dates.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep. And Big J is going to be Daniel Beach, Florida, Friday and Saturday. A few tickets still available, so get them right now. Nashville, San Antonio, San Francisco for tickets and tour dates. BigJComedy.com we'll be right back. It's the bonfire.

[Jacob]

Lifelock.

[Bobby Kelly]

How can I help? The IRS said I filed my return, but I haven't. One in four tax paying Americans has.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Paid the price of identity fraud.

[Christine]

What do I do? My refund though. I'm freaking out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't worry. I can fix this. Lifelock fixes identity theft guaranteed and gets your money back with up to $3 million in coverage.

[Christine]

I'm so relieved.

[Bobby Kelly]

No problem.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll be with you every step of the way. One in four was a fraud paying American.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not anymore. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com specialoffer terms apply.

[Christine]

Why have I asked my H vac guy I found on Angie.com to change my grandpa's trachea tube?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because I was so amazed by how quickly he replaced our air ducts.

[Christine]

I knew I could trust him to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Change Pop Pop's tube while I was on vacation. Make it quick, young man. Aw.

[Bobby Kelly]

See?

[Christine]

Pop Pop trusts you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think we should call a doctor.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Connecting homeowners with skilled pros for over 30 years. Angie. The one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find pros for all your home [e-mail].