Primitive Glamping

Summary

Episode Summary: "Primitive Glamping"

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly
Date: June 16, 2026 | Host: SiriusXM Faction Talk 103

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Overview

In this episode, Jay and Bobby recount Bobby’s recent “primitive camping” adventure — a debacle-filled trip aiming for rugged outdoor bonding but spiraling into chaos, mishaps, guilt-ridden confessions, and survival antics. The core of the episode is Bobby’s hilariously mismanaged camping trip with his son Max, friends Joe and Olivia, and the ghost of Ari Shaffir’s absence, with the cast’s signature self-deprecation and unfiltered banter. The show opens, however, with a prolonged comedy segment about their attempts to snag guest-list tickets for Youngblood’s show at Radio City Music Hall via their friend Liam, peppered with British jokes and borderline-absurd demands.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comedy Show Elevator Mishap & Friendly Security

• Jay and Bobby start by describing a confused elevator adventure on their way to the SiriusXM studio, poking fun at convoluted building security and their new favorite security guard.
• Tone: Laid-back, self-mocking, and personal.

2. The Youngblood Ticket Saga

• Jay and Bobby riff about musician Youngblood’s on-air promises: English tea shipments, a night of drinks (“a pint”), and guest-list tickets.
• Regular guest Liam from the SiriusXM talent team joins to coordinate, as the gang half-kiddingly scripts an outrageous email to Youngblood’s manager — including British slang, sexual innuendo, and a request for "loads of tea" and even “some of his pubes” (14:35).
  • Memorable Quote:
    Jay: “Spell youngblood wrong, but next to it, put that thing where you put parentheses sp with a question mark. I don’t know if it’s spelled right, and I don’t care.” [11:31]
  • Christine: “An eggplant, yeah, and then the squirts.” [12:31]
• Jay and Bobby cycle through absurd scenarios (wearing vests, circus bears, fezzes, “delivering favors”) as potential leverage for better tickets.
• Underlying Theme: Superficial relationships in showbiz; the highs and lows of “being on the list,” comedic one-upmanship.

3. Bobby’s Primitive Camping Disaster

• The Setup:
  Bobby intended to take his son Max on a back-to-nature trip. Complications arise when Ari Shaffir waffles on attending, and Bobby inadvertently creates a lopsided group by inviting Joe and (unexpectedly) his wife Olivia (“Ham Face”).
• Packing calamity:
  Bobby forgets critical items — hoodies, propane, sleeping pads, and, crucially, enough food.
  • Memorable Quote:
    Bobby: “I realized I didn't pack hoodies for me and Max. You need a hoodie for at night when it gets cold. So I gotta find a Marshalls. … Literally in all of Marshalls.” [31:00]
• Primitive...Glamping?
  The group realizes they’re hungry after an exhausting hike and short on provisions, with only freeze-dried meals and a few sausages between them (“I told Dawn, two sausages each. She gave me a six pack instead of eight, which I needed.” [46:34])
• Survival Mode:
  A stranger (local hippie with a dog) barters a turkey sub for a cigar (“We bartered!” [50:06]), which the group devours “like animals.”
  • Jay: “You didn't have to steal an old man's hoagie!” [51:41]
• Water Woes:
  The party runs low on drinkable water, with Bobby distributing filtered river water that remains suspiciously green (“It had a green tint to it.” [56:22]). Secretly, Bobby hoards a private stash of clean water just for him and Max.
  • Notable Quote: Jay: “You have an Alexis hybrid. You shouldn't have to wait for boiling water to cool to drink.” [61:18]
  • Christine (about telling the group): “I go, I'll be the test study. If everybody gets sick and I don't, we know it was the water.” [62:43]
• Sleeping Failures:
  Bobby and Max try to sleep on the ground with no pads or pillows, improvising with hoodies.
• Food Theft Confession:
  The next morning, Bobby and Max eat Joe and Olivia’s snacks in secret (“We didn't tell them, we just ate their snacks.” [64:06]), likening the dynamic to a “Lord of the Flies” descent.
  • Jay: “You tried to poison water and you ate their food. You guys started turning on each other. ... You were there for seven full hours." [64:06]
• Diner Salvation:
  Primitive misery makes the post-trip diner breakfast divine.

4. Life Lessons & Reflection

• Bobby’s Takeaway:
  Hardship fosters appreciation for everyday comforts (“The best part of primitive camping is when you’re not primitive camping. … It makes you appreciate.” [65:06])
• Jay’s Praise:
  Jay (semi-sincerely) commends Bobby’s willingness to try, but cackles at his misfires.
  • Jay: “God bless you. … That’s impressive to me and very masculine. … A major fumble of a day.” [57:48]
• **Lesson: Overprepare for the outdoors, never trust green water, and don’t overpromise to manage the entire trip yourself.

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Notable Quotes & Timestamp Highlights

• On British-Style Tickets:
  • Jay: "Hey, mate. Is that what you pussy say over there?" [10:57]
  • Christine: "That cunt that you represent told us he would get us tickets. Cunt means something different over there." [11:16]
• On Glamping Fails:
  • Bobby: "We forgot our sleeping pads. … Me and Max have nothing." [40:53]
  • Jay: "Should have killed him with a rock. That's what the primitive man would have done." [43:37]
• Camping Team Dynamics:
  • Jay: "Everything you did was just more evidence that civilization is great." [28:54]
• On Food Scarcity:
  • Jay: "Did you hunt and kill those ice cream sandwiches?" [45:43]
• Admission of Deceit:
  • Christine: "We didn't tell them, we just ate their snacks." [64:06]
  • Jay: "You guys started turning on each other. You were there for seven full hours." [64:06]

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Timeline of Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | |-------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:06 | Elevator misadventure, Security guard banter | | 02:39 | Youngblood concert promises, ticket brainstorming | | 04:44 | Liam enters, comedic negotiation for tickets begins | | 10:33 | Scripting absurd email to Youngblood’s manager | | 25:13 | Primitive camping trip begins—introduction of group members | | 31:00 | Bobby’s packing fails, forgotten essentials, Marshalls detour | | 40:53 | Missing sleeping pads, adapting to sleep on ground | | 45:34 | Food shortage realization and sub barter for cigar | | 56:22 | The green river water dilemma, secret water stash revealed | | 64:06 | Confession: Bobby & Max eat the others’ snacks (food conflict) | | 65:06 | Diner breakfast, post-trip reflection | | 66:47 | Max’s birthday party and the return to suburban normalcy |

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Episode Tone & Style

• Language: Blunt, irreverent, layered with comedic exaggeration, inside jokes, and affectionate digs at friends.
• Recurring Themes: Masculinity, the reality-versus-expectation of “roughing it,” urban comfort, camaraderie-in-chaos, and the value of humility in defeat.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Show

This episode is a masterclass in self-deprecating humor, where Bobby’s attempt at “rugged dad” life devolves into accidental glamping, survivalist farce, and a string of friendly betrayals. The hosts’ chemistry, storytelling, and relentless comedic tangents keep things rolling, making even the smallest mishaps riotously entertaining. Jay and Bobby take you from Radio City’s VIP guest lists to the edge of starvation on a New York mountainside—reminding you that the real adventure is just surviving the mess you’ve made.

Whether you’re a camping novice or have only camped in five-star hotels, this episode backs the belief: it’s the disasters that make the best stories.

Transcript

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[Christine]

And now the bonfire with Big J

[Announcer]

Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Jay Oakerson]

Man, oh man, what a journey.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

What a journey we took to get up here.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Me and Bobby left downstairs to come up here with ample four minutes of time. That's way more than you need. Bobby pushed the button for the elevator. He pointed to elevator four. I looked down at the pad. It said elevator four. We got in elevator four, which stopped at 33. Only 33.

[Christine]

NBC.

[Jay Oakerson]

NBC.

[Jacob]

Not a bad look there.

[Jay Oakerson]

So we got out.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Push 36. Access denied. You're not allowed to do that. Apparently. So then we had to go back downstairs starting at 4:59. And then catch the other elevator back up, walk by. High five. Our best friend, security guard. They got rid of the Drago looking guy and now they got like the most pleasant big black dude out there.

[Christine]

He's great. I love him.

[Jay Oakerson]

So pleasant.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Reach with a smile every day.

[Christine]

Says hi. He's excited to see us.

[Jay Oakerson]

Actually, he seems happy to see us.

[Jacob]

The other guy. We get along with everyone.

[Christine]

Well, you really don't know if you get along if he hated you or he loved you because he had the same facial expression.

[Jay Oakerson]

Stoic.

[Jacob]

We bonded.

[Christine]

Over what?

[Jacob]

Life.

[Christine]

No, you didn't.

[Jacob]

Well, here's my face.

[Christine]

Oh, yeah, I forgot. You guys have the same face.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh yeah. I guess you guys have the same face.

[Christine]

The same exact face every day.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Do you think he's just as. As alone as you somewhere in Queens?

[Jacob]

I hope not.

[Jay Oakerson]

We got a lot to get to today. I know for sure. Bobby's camping, buddy. Bobby's camping. I bet. Was Crazy. I know nothing about it, but do we have. We were trying to get Liam in here.

[Jacob]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christine]

He's coming.

[Jacob]

Yep.

[Christine]

Where is he?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, is it two minutes? Because what we're going to talk to Liam about this week, when I was having my legion of skanks meeting, they reminded me that we were not doing story wars this Wednesday.

[Jacob]

Why?

[Jay Oakerson]

Why is that? I said. And they said you requested that weeks ago. Why did I request it? I. Look it up. Youngblood concert at Radio City.

[Christine]

Right across the street.

[Jacob]

Ow.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now, Lou, you can go back through the archives at some point and pull that audio if we need to. If there's a trial over this. If you need to. Youngblood made a whole bunch of promises to us that Bobby very much took to heart, as did I with some of them.

[Christine]

I wrote them down.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

And I had them. I had a calligraphy guy actually put them on a document that I hung in my office.

[Jay Oakerson]

You keep the original in your hope chest by the foot of the bed.

[Christine]

Yeah. Next to a photo.

[Jay Oakerson]

So Youngblood was in here. Made a lot of promises. Brett Michaels esque in the way he made promises. However, we don't have a dirty history like we had with Brett Michaels that we have a young blood. Simply me making fun of Bobby for liking him so much, which I think he understood. And then he enjoyed us very much.

[Christine]

Enjoyed us very much. But there was a lot of things you said about young blood, you and Christine, over the year, about his talent and who he was.

[Jay Oakerson]

No one argued his talent and who he was.

[Christine]

You said he was.

[Female Guest]

Well, he's a Disney kid.

[Christine]

Whoa.

[Jay Oakerson]

What are you gonna do?

[Christine]

Not anymore.

[Jay Oakerson]

What are you gonna do?

[Christine]

Not anymore.

[Female Guest]

Look, Disney finds talent.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why are you gonna come at me like this? Why you come at me like this when we're getting. Come on.

[Christine]

You know what? You're right.

[Jay Oakerson]

We're on the same team here.

[Christine]

We're on the same team here. Speak of the devil.

[Jay Oakerson]

Liam. Liam from talent joining the show. That's good. Round of applause.

[Female Guest]

Liam.

[Christine]

That was good.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sparse, sparse, sparse. Clash.

[Liam]

Thanks, guys.

[Jay Oakerson]

Liam, first things first.

[Christine]

This is my bag. Yeah, this is my bag.

[Liam]

All right.

[Christine]

Is that a compliment or this? I don't know.

[Liam]

No, it's a compliment. I've actually. I was looking at watches all this past weekend because of you.

[Christine]

Oh, well, you can. You can call me whenever you need, and I will help you out like you help us out all the time.

[Jacob]

Okay. Nice.

[Jay Oakerson]

Liam, you look like a. Like a college crew. Team Date rapist.

[Liam]

That's what I was going for.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sorry. I Didn't mean to butter you up like that. We want to bring you in. We want to just throw it out there.

[Jacob]

Oh, God.

[Jay Oakerson]

Because no, it needs. Needs to be out there because we have. We have audio and I think video evidence of this. Several weeks ago, we had a young man in here named Youngblood.

[Liam]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Who came in.

[Liam]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

And he fell in love with us immediately. He loved us. He made a lot of promises to us.

[Liam]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

He was going to send Bobby tea.

[Liam]

The eyes that Bobby is making at me right now, like, I feel like I'm gonna be date raped.

[Commercial Voice]

It's possible.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's possible. Thank God your crew team's here to stop him.

[Liam]

That's right.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Liam]

No, I'm buttoned up.

[Jacob]

Number one.

[Christine]

First of all, thank you for describing my eyes for context.

[Liam]

Beautiful eyes.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Liam]

I see Jacob right here.

[Jay Oakerson]

He promised Bobby tea.

[Christine]

Lot of tea.

[Jay Oakerson]

He said that? What kind of tea? Oh, tea, Yeah.

[Liam]

I thought it was like another thing. Okay.

[Christine]

No English tea.

[Liam]

English tea, testosterone.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby said he didn't like tea.

[Liam]

Okay, right.

[Jay Oakerson]

And he goes, you haven't had the right tea.

[Liam]

You said PG Tips. And he was like, that's bullshit or something like that.

[Christine]

He said, I'm gonna sell you the right tea, mate.

[Jacob]

I don't like.

[Christine]

I'm going send you as much tea as you could have.

[Jay Oakerson]

M. I think that's how he sounded.

[Jacob]

Yeah. Not at all.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, anyway, he was in here.

[Christine]

You got rid of the guy with the voices. I don't know what to tell you.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know I could have done any better.

[Christine]

I told him to stay. He said, no, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

Mine would have sound like. I would have sound like pigmalion. You said, I'm going to get Bob with some tea eyes. I do. All right.

[Announcer]

Hey,

[Christine]

Yorkshire tea.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, dude, he's going to break off. 27, 29 for you. 27 smackers.

[Christine]

He did say a lot. He was gonna say as much. He didn't say one. He said a lot.

[Jay Oakerson]

He said, more than you can handle.

[Christine]

More than I can handle.

[Liam]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

And he said if we were. He said if we drank Lipton. He called. Then he called us the N word, which was weird.

[Christine]

That was weird.

[Jay Oakerson]

Which was weird. We cut it out. We cut it out.

[Liam]

Yeah. He bombed on a bunch of normal teas. And then he said he was going to hook you up. I remember hearing that.

[Christine]

That's great. That's great that you're being.

[Jay Oakerson]

Before you start. Before you start texting him, we want tea.

[Christine]

We don't want tea.

[Jay Oakerson]

He also promised that we were all going to go out and have he described it as a pint with him? Which when Bobby said he doesn't drink, but Bobby said he would begin drinking again for young boy.

[Christine]

First of all, I said that with every famous person that's come on here, that I will drink with him. Rza. I will drink with him.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, absolutely. So

[Christine]

that's how willing I am. That's how willing I am. I go far for this show.

[Jay Oakerson]

He bites down the wood and he bends over.

[Liam]

Okay, so I'm not asking for a tea. I'm going to delete.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, hang on, hang on. Let's not get crazy. I'm just trying to go by priorities here.

[Liam]

I've just heard the things that you've done to each other's phones and I'm a little nervous about what I'm gonna be co opted into sending right now.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Christine]

Mostly Jay on my phone.

[Jay Oakerson]

But yes, you're right, that was mostly. I usually convince Bobby to text a famous person and ruin his relationship, but really it's just by testing. What it is, is Bobby's happy and willing to live in the surface. I have his number so I can tell people we're friends. And then I go, well, let's test that. Send him a what's up, dude? What's going on with you? And they never write back. Yeah, that's not my fault. That's me being a good friend to Bobby and snapping back, letting him know his friends aren't out there in the stratosphere. They're right across from him. There was actually in a small studio

[Christine]

in New York City. I didn't do that. But there was one friend that I did have that I ruined to get you on the road.

[Liam]

Kevin Hart. Yeah.

[Christine]

So, yes, I did. I did ruin that shit. I believe he said big J's awesome. Bang, bang, bang. Oh, fuck. Robert Kelly.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's it. That was weird. He did turn on you at the end.

[Christine]

Turned on me.

[Jay Oakerson]

It did seem strange. But anyway, none of us are really expecting to go have a night out on the town with Youngblood. We're all older gentlemen and old Christine, so nobody's gonna go out drinking. And, well, Bobby's gonna go out drinking, right? If. But what he did say was he's coming back to Radio City Music hall on the 10th, right? And he started. He goes, and you guys, I want you guys to be my guests all please come to the show. Okay, can we follow through with that? I took off Story wars, which is a very, very huge show. I don't know if you know that.

[Liam]

No, I. I know. And I know the Undertaking that.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know if you're familiar with it, but it's a huge production and it is a monster of a show.

[Female Guest]

Thank you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Double points.

[Christine]

Double points.

[Jay Oakerson]

Double points. Bobby is allowed to trigger it, by the way.

[Christine]

I actually quit Bone to Pick for this night.

[Jay Oakerson]

He quit Bone to Pick?

[Christine]

We used to do Bone to Pick on Wednesdays. I said, I'm done.

[Jay Oakerson]

He told Paul Varze to get in the boat first and then he kicked it out into the fucking river.

[Liam]

You both made plans based on a radio conversation, and then I want me to make sure that they're real.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was off radio. This part

[Jacob]

was personal.

[Jay Oakerson]

This is very, very personal.

[Christine]

He was personal. The hanging out was personal.

[Liam]

Okay?

[Christine]

Everything was personal.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now we need 3, 4, 5 and a half tickets.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jacob can sit on my lap.

[Liam]

Okay. I wasn't sure if you were talking about Paco. Got it. Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no. Paco is. You're saying he's Asian? He's less than a person. I understand that. I understand that. We are getting back to our World War II sensibilities. Paco, get in your camp.

[Christine]

The Irish and Philippines just had a 7.8 earthquake. He's got to go home and help his.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's got to go home. He's got to go fucking damn a village.

[Christine]

Yeah. He's got to go rebuild some hu.

[Liam]

Yeah, I can. I can. I. I'm gonna write the email. I'm not gonna do it on the air because I'm afraid of what I'm gonna be told to say.

[Jay Oakerson]

I can dictate for you if you want.

[Liam]

That's exactly what I don't want to tell you.

[Christine]

But Jay is very. Let me say something in his defense, very good at expressing what we need. So maybe you might wanna. You don't have to send it. Maybe you write down with Jay.

[Liam]

Okay?

[Christine]

Just write it down what he wants you to say and hear him out because Jay's very good at this.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Liam]

So I was just talking to his manager the other day. I had to have him approve some videos that we had shot for his show that he does. So I can do a quick champagne facials, actually. So I'm wondering. I'll just reply back to that. I'll just. I can. I've already got a chain going with the guy. So I'm gonna say, hey, by the way.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, start. I'd say, hey, mate.

[Liam]

Hey, mate.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is that what you pussy say over there?

[Christine]

Write it, write it down.

[Jay Oakerson]

There you go.

[Liam]

Got it.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hey, Pull your foreskin back and list. I got a couple of fucking limeys want to see a show, and they want to be treated right.

[Christine]

And write this. That cunt that you represent told us that he would get us tickets. Cunt means something different over there. I've heard it's actually a term of endearment.

[Jay Oakerson]

Still waiting on that. T.

[Christine]

Loads of it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay, then spell youngblood wrong, but next to it, put that thing where you put parentheses sp with a question mark. I don't know if it's spelled right, and I don't care.

[Liam]

I won't be checking.

[Jay Oakerson]

Spell it out full young blood, Rob Lowe style. And then at the end, ask him, does he know that that's the name of a Rob Lowe movie?

[Liam]

Okay, got it. Yeah.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then tell him hockey's an American sport. What Canada says.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Liam]

It's Radio City.

[Jacob]

Right?

[Christine]

Radio City.

[Jay Oakerson]

Right across something else. But foreskin. Plug in foreskin one more time.

[Liam]

Foreskin.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I'm trying to think. I do have any more English stuff. Bob, you got your tea.

[Christine]

Tea.

[Liam]

This. Fish and chips and fried things, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. And we're gonna have a pint afterwards.

[Liam]

Pint.

[Jacob]

Right.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then at the end of this, just put or else.

[Liam]

Or else.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

You'll know what it means.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Liam]

All right. And so we need six ish and a half tickets. Six. Okay. Got it.

[Jacob]

All right.

[Christine]

And then at the end, they put, like, an eggplant with, like, jizz shooting out of it.

[Jay Oakerson]

An eggplant? Yeah, and then the squirts.

[Christine]

Okay. Also like that cameraman's Wednesday night.

[Commercial Voice]

Huh?

[Jay Oakerson]

Do you need a cameraman for a vlog? It looks like we're gonna need. God damn it. Looks. We need seven tickets.

[Liam]

Seven tickets.

[Jay Oakerson]

And we're gonna be. To be treated like royalty.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

The way we treated him.

[Liam]

Jacob, you don't want to go to this show.

[Jay Oakerson]

Barely. He barely wants to show you.

[Liam]

Barely wants to go to the show. You just went to a cowboy show the other day. I got you into, like, a country show. Yeah.

[Female Guest]

So you.

[Liam]

You were all country, Jacob, you going,

[Jay Oakerson]

yeah, if it's on Black Lives going, if it's on DJ Lou, hell yeah.

[Liam]

So that's six tickets. And then Jacob said, whatever.

[Jay Oakerson]

Christine could flash beaver. Maybe just get in.

[Christine]

Looks like a beaver.

[Jay Oakerson]

Looks like a beaver. Well, I make her shave the top, push into, like, a pelt,

[Christine]

and then he puts hair straightener in it, and he just combs it.

[Liam]

You say, look at mine. Do the same.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I comb it up. It's not sexual. It's not sexual.

[Christine]

Tell him I'll trim mine if that's. I'll trim it down so it doesn't look so old.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Liam]

Okay. I will send this message to his manager. When's the show? Next week.

[Jacob]

Really?

[Jay Oakerson]

This Wednesday.

[Christine]

This Wednesday, you guys.

[Liam]

Two days before something resembling anything. Yeah, no, I will send this message right now.

[Jay Oakerson]

If it was a week ago. If it was. If it was a week from now, he's going to forget by the time we get there. Now it's fresh in his mind, those guys.

[Liam]

I guess that's true. That is true. Okay. Okay.

[Jacob]

All right.

[Liam]

All right.

[Jay Oakerson]

You good?

[Liam]

Mission. Mission designated. And I will do it.

[Christine]

Accepted. Mission accepted.

[Jay Oakerson]

If it changes anything, tell them a couple of us will do gay shit.

[Liam]

Okay.

[Christine]

Mostly one of us.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, mostly one of us.

[Liam]

I see the Ticketmasters. What are we looking at? These are 175 tickets available. Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

All right.

[Liam]

Well, but there's a resale, right? Oh, yeah, It's a sold out. It's a sold out show.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, it looks like there's nobody right next to the stage.

[Liam]

Those are all resales. But I. I mean, we're talking to artist, guest list. It's a little bit of a difference.

[Female Guest]

There's a pit.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, we want to be in the pit. Bobby's got to be up front.

[Liam]

Wait, I gotta deal with the Snake Pit.

[Christine]

Are you?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Snake Pit situation.

[Liam]

This is why I hate doing tickets.

[Jay Oakerson]

I've already promised Bobby pit.

[Christine]

And you know what happens when Jay promises me. P. I don't get it, dude.

[Liam]

I did a thing with a former host of this show where I got him into a Queens of the Stone Age concert.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I remember getting a phone call. Ding, ding, ding.

[Liam]

Phone call from Lou saying, what's up with your boy? He hates us because he picked up his tickets. And I was like, are they bad? And he's like, they don't look good. Hadn't even gone inside yet. Hadn't even gone inside yet. So then that's disrespectful. He gets inside and he's actually like. Actually Dan likes these seats. Like Dan just bought pit spot. Whatever. But Dan wants to sit in your seats that you got in because they're nice center actual seats. At Forest Hills, they're like really nice seats. And you guys had backyard access with a private bar. But I still got the shit Lou call.

[Christine]

I'm like, why do you hate us, Liam? We couldn't be further from the stage.

[Liam]

I'm so glad that Dan bought his own tickets because he didn't believe in You. That's what I got told.

[Jay Oakerson]

I love that. I love that. That cost Dan money.

[Jacob]

This is exactly.

[Female Guest]

Now.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm putting full faith in you.

[Liam]

That's great.

[Jacob]

I can't wait.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think there's an outside shot. You can get us on stage. I know. I'm not expecting that. I know. It's probably just gonna end up being dead front center pit.

[Liam]

There's an act. There's a pit at radio set. I've never seen a pit in radio.

[Jacob]

Young blood.

[Jay Oakerson]

Dude, I gotta dance, man.

[Liam]

Yeah, but we saw Gary Clark Jr. There. There's no pit, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's more of like a mellow, like, laid back.

[Liam]

Yeah, no, that's an orchestra pit.

[Female Guest]

Yeah, I was reading it wrong.

[Liam]

Yeah, but we should still put Bobby in the orchestra pit.

[Christine]

I would love to be in the orchestra pit. I mean, on stage soon with like a chair. Special chair.

[Liam]

See you with the cello would be. I would love that.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. I want to be like, in pissing distance from him.

[Liam]

Yeah.

[Christine]

I want him to reach up and me to reach up at the same time.

[Jay Oakerson]

Come on. That could be Bobby right there. Yeah, that could be Bobby.

[Christine]

Oh, imagine if he had. Hey, can you sing? I could go up and sing.

[Liam]

So hot. Those lips, man. Rock and roll like that in a while.

[Christine]

No, he's like all the lead singers in one. What?

[Liam]

You're not wrong.

[Christine]

What? He's not.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yo, Christine is going to flick bean with this kid.

[Christine]

Oh, my God. Look at him. He's so mischievous.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby.

[Announcer]

What?

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm sorry, what? You call another man.

[Christine]

I didn't. I got caught.

[Female Guest]

Exactly what he's going for.

[Christine]

I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna act like this at the show. I'm gonna get it all out now.

[Commercial Voice]

All right.

[Jay Oakerson]

Also, promise him that if he gets us really good tickets, we'll hold up signs. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Liam]

What's your sign?

[Jay Oakerson]

What's my sign?

[Announcer]

Gemini.

[Female Guest]

No, it's just.

[Christine]

It's just a heart with an arrow through it and blood coming out the other side.

[Liam]

It's badass.

[Christine]

That's pretty nice.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby likes him when he's being a little stinker.

[Liam]

Yeah, hips. Yeah, he's shaking those hips.

[Christine]

He's wearing chaps.

[Liam]

Yes.

[Christine]

I should get chaps.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I thought you're gonna go straight leather pants.

[Christine]

I was trying to get the leather pants. They wouldn't come in in time.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Bobby, I think when you do comedy, you should the mic stand more like this.

[Christine]

I actually used to. And they. You guys made fun of me till I stopped doing it.

[Liam]

I love that you bought an outfit for the wait list. This is gonna be ridiculous.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't even know. I don't even know what kind of music he does. I. I thought he was a rapper at one point.

[Christine]

It's actually.

[Liam]

He was a rapper a little bit,

[Jay Oakerson]

and then he did. And then he did.

[Liam]

He did pop. He went pop. He did Avril Levine.

[Christine]

He evolved. He evolved. Rock and roll. You evolved from, you know, black rooms to what you do now.

[Announcer]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Does he have his own album?

[Liam]

He's got a couple albums.

[Jay Oakerson]

I couldn't be dressed blacker today.

[Christine]

Well, your.

[Jacob]

Your.

[Christine]

Your voice, your comment.

[Jay Oakerson]

Trying to point a deal.

[Female Guest]

Jacob, you think Youngblood doesn't have an album?

[Liam]

Well, he. Smith. He has an Smith album.

[Jacob]

I know he's worked on other people's albums.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'd like to be close enough that we can see. Do you see in this picture where y' all can see where his dick hair is going to start? No, no, Christine.

[Female Guest]

Oh, right there you can see his dick hair.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. See where his dick hair is right there. I want to be able to make that out. Naked eye.

[Liam]

Count them.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

I actually want to be able to grab two and make a necklace out of it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay. You know what? P.S. on that text, can we have some of his pubes? I don't think he's keeping them anyway.

[Liam]

That was in a movie. Angus, maybe something. Yeah, I remember.

[Jay Oakerson]

Everything about Jay is Angus. Man, that movie really hits me in a way.

[Liam]

You made a comment about it two weeks ago, and it's still here.

[Jay Oakerson]

That movie just decks me.

[Liam]

Yeah. All right. Need pubes. Got it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Need pubes.

[Christine]

Don't forget the tea, though.

[Announcer]

The tea.

[Liam]

The tea.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And if there's any way that Bobby can get his hands on. Go up, please. If Bobby gets hands on his naked chest like this.

[Liam]

Wow.

[Christine]

Can I just. I just want to. I actually want to just put my middle finger in his belly button. Why didn't you touch him? He was right here.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's wearing a vest. Belly buttons covered. Sorry.

[Liam]

He would have taken it off. He takes it off. Look at how many times he's taken this thing off.

[Jay Oakerson]

Chicks, man. Not a bunch of screaming dudes.

[Christine]

He's wearing a vest. Remember, those pants and his vest matched.

[Jay Oakerson]

I do remember that.

[Christine]

It's like a paisley.

[Jay Oakerson]

And a vest is the worst look. Unless a just vest is the worst look. But. No, but he's in when he comes in. No, but here's the thing with the way this guy's. Like his build. If I. If you can just give Me, Youngblood's body tomorrow. This isn't the exact way I would choose to dress by any stretch. The way to really make this look what I would think is cool. But it makes sense. When he came in. He owns that look. It makes sense for him. So it doesn't look weird, even though a vest is a really stupid look.

[Christine]

Well, there's only two people that can wear a vest. Youngblood and Sebastian Maniscalco.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, he shouldn't either. Sebastian shouldn't either. I'm gonna throw my car keys when I see him put it on, you dumb daggle.

[Christine]

You wear a vest?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Alth. We can all go. We could all commit. All right. If it makes us get better seats, we could all commit to vests.

[Liam]

We'll all wear vests.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, shirts and vests.

[Liam]

Or each person does a different village person.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, well, B and Bobby are going to look like circus bears with our vests on. By the way, Tom will also come into the building riding on beach balls. Like two circus bears juggling and walking on beach balls.

[Christine]

You're not writing this down. Write it all down.

[Jay Oakerson]

With fezzes.

[Liam]

Circus bears.

[Jay Oakerson]

We'll be wearing fezes.

[Liam]

Also, Bobby, look, he's wearing your hat

[Female Guest]

and a half top.

[Christine]

Oh, he's wearing the peaky. I'm gonna wear my peaky blinder hat

[Jay Oakerson]

and your half top.

[Christine]

Well, all my shirts that I used to wear are half tops, so I could just get an old shirt. Look at this. Look at. His stomach is hanging right there. Ah, look at that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. He's probably got a monster hog.

[Christine]

I bet he. I bet he has a. I bet he has a regular hog. And it's uncircumcised.

[Jay Oakerson]

It is uncircumcised, which I'm fine with. That's a culture. Yeah, I know you like to earn your food.

[Christine]

It makes you eat less if you

[Jay Oakerson]

have to unwrap it. You know what?

[Christine]

I. Yeah. If you got to undo the taco.

[Female Guest]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

I guess if you could subtly mask it in the text that Bobby will probably suck his dick if he wanted him to. I don't think he wants him to, but just let him know that, like,

[Liam]

let's call it favors.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a guy that would.

[Christine]

I would say before sucking dick. A kiss.

[Liam]

Kiss. Yeah, I know you love the kiss.

[Jay Oakerson]

Friends with benefits.

[Christine]

That's more gay. If you just came backstage and me and him were making out, you'd be like, damn, big mouth, though.

[Liam]

That's a big mouth.

[Jay Oakerson]

Look, he's playing with his dick hair at the end he plays with his little dick hairs. Look, See? He loves pulling at his little dick hairs.

[Liam]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Damn.

[Jay Oakerson]

I would do that if I had a flat belly. Little dick hairs rubbing your tummy?

[Christine]

Yeah. All we do is pinch our fat over our cocks and hold on.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sometimes I grab the hairs, like all in a bunch with a fist. And I pull up and see, and I see if it pulls my gunt up, if I can. If the hairs will pull the skin up. And it does.

[Jacob]

Sometimes these are not as coarse.

[Jay Oakerson]

Huh?

[Jacob]

This is not. But his are not as coarse.

[Jay Oakerson]

Where was that question when he was sitting here?

[Christine]

Yeah, yeah. Quiet man.

[Jacob]

Too busy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Way to show up five weeks later.

[Female Guest]

This is so weird. Look what just. I opened TikTok and it was Sebastian Nevest.

[Jay Oakerson]

They're listening to us.

[Christine]

He looks great.

[Jay Oakerson]

They're listening to us.

[Christine]

But a Bing.

[Jacob]

You put two in the back of their brain.

[Jay Oakerson]

Also for no reason at all. Tell him that since we met, I did the Kevin Hart roast. It'll be. He'll know what it means.

[Jacob]

Okay, can I just hit Liam? I don't want to miss this bonding experience. I would like to go.

[Liam]

You would like to go because you need a seventh ticket.

[Jay Oakerson]

God damn it.

[Jacob]

Okay, but if six is all, I'll. But I would love to.

[Christine]

Can you just add that I was on Comics unleashed at around 2003. He was telling that just in case, you know, the English always get stuff like eight years later.

[Jacob]

Sure.

[Christine]

That might be a big hit over there right now.

[Liam]

Yeah, huge over there.

[Female Guest]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

It is back, though. It is Comics Unleashed, so you can say that.

[Female Guest]

Oh, wow.

[Commercial Voice]

Cool.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it's on like, the Chuckles channel or some stupid cable channel out there now.

[Christine]

All right, you got it?

[Liam]

I got it. I got it.

[Christine]

All right, Repeat it to us.

[Liam]

Hey, mate, what do you know about foreskin? I'm still waiting on that. Tea tickets or else we need 6ish plus pubes, circus bears on balls, and we will deliver favors. One person was on the Kevin Hart roast.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's essentially.

[Liam]

I got it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Essentially. That is it.

[Jacob]

Is he the best dude?

[Liam]

There we go.

[Jay Oakerson]

He is. There's a reason you've been here the longest, my man.

[Liam]

That's right. 20 years. 20 years last week.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hell, yeah.

[Liam]

That's right.

[Jay Oakerson]

Congratulations. Well, let's not start fucking up now.

[Liam]

That's going to happen, all right?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you up for your 20 year review? Because I may have some notes. If this doesn't happen, I will report back.

[Jacob]

Thank you, Liam. Thank you, Liam.

[Jay Oakerson]

Thank you, Liam. Remember, no means no. Except in this case.

[Christine]

And as soon as you know, let us know. Don't make us wait.

[Jay Oakerson]

We gotta get some dirt on him. We gotta be able to hold things over his head. I don't think he takes it seriously.

[Jacob]

I don't think there's dirt. He's so clean.

[Christine]

We can get dirt on. We can get Paco to get dirt on him.

[Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. We can make Paco. I always. My move. If I went there on somebody, I make Paco lady boy passably. And then, and then. And then when he's in full flown, like gay sex with a person, I bust in the room, take pictures.

[Christine]

It does not take a lot to make him lady boy passable.

[Jay Oakerson]

I got that. I've done it with Joe Derosa.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And Joe Derosa would. He wouldn't allow himself to be blackmailed, so he just started fucking trans in regular life.

[Christine]

It's a good tactic.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a good tactic. It was when Louis Anderson came out of the closet. It was because he was being fucking blackmailed.

[Jacob]

Right.

[Jay Oakerson]

You know, Letterman came out with his thing. He was being blackmailed. He wouldn't be black. Now that Joe Derosa, he goes, now I'm just gonna go exclusively trans now.

[Christine]

Yep. You can't blackmail that gay man. You sure as can't.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby?

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm glad to see you back in civilization. Yeah, I was worried about you. I thought you'd get taken away by coyotes.

[Christine]

Well, can I just say something? It didn't go as smoothly as I wanted it to go. I'm just gonna say that because I was coming off as maybe an expert in primitive camping. And I got this, and it's gonna be fun. It's gonna be awesome.

[Jay Oakerson]

I tried to. I tried to send you a smoke signal if I told you so, but it dissipated by the time it got to you.

[Christine]

Well, I tried.

[Jay Oakerson]

It looked great when it took off, but I think by the time it reached whatever dumb place you were at, it was just turning the clouds.

[Christine]

Well, I originally had Max and me going. And then I was like, I'll have Ari go. And I called Ari and I was like, dude, I'm going to take Max primitive camping where we went before. He's like, I love it. I'm in. I got to find out, but right now, I'm in. And as the days got closer, he was like, I don't know if I can go. He went to a 50%. So I invited. I knew at that point. I was like, let me invite somebody else.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

So that it's, you know, when Max

[Jay Oakerson]

goes off to Whack off. You have something to do. You want to just sit there and wait for your son to masturbate? That's strange.

[Christine]

So. So I invited Joe.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why am I fishing alone? You'll think Max is whacking off.

[Christine]

I invited Joe Russell. And then his. He. He said, can Olivia come? Which is his wife. And I love Olivia. She's very fun. Very. You know, she's a goofy girl, right. But very fun. So I was like, okay, great. Then Ari calls me, I'm back in 90%.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay, 90.

[Christine]

He goes, Dude, I'm in.

[Jay Oakerson]

So do you tell us, Olivia character to hit the bricks?

[Christine]

Well, I could. I can't. I could. I couldn't. I can't tell. I can't uninvite somebody. Yeah, I already invited them and he was 90%.

[Jay Oakerson]

It does seem like you're going there with a family without Dawn.

[Female Guest]

Yeah, I'm like, wait, why didn't you say when? He was like, can I invite my girlfriend? You could have been like, no, this is like a man coming of age trip.

[Christine]

We're doing well. Because if you invite Joe Russell, it's not really inviting a man. If I invite him and his wife, it kind of becomes a man.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know why. It's. I don't know why it slipped me that Joe Russell was going, I thought you were just bringing this Olivia girl. And I was like, that's a weird hang.

[Christine]

No, no, that would have been a great hang. I would have just sent Max in the tent late night. Yeah, but so then. And I wanna. Ari did a complete 180. He just turned like he was in. I'm going, it's happening.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then he's packing his shoot.

[Christine]

He's ready. I gotta ask you guys something, and I want you to be honest with me. I feel like. And this might not be true, but I feel like you and Christine had something to do with him. Not going to. Because. Hang on, let me just finish this now. I'm not accusing you of anything, okay?

[Female Guest]

I'm.

[Christine]

He went to your house Tuesday night?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Christine]

Monday. 90% in to the point where I got. I'm getting all his gear ready. Then he goes over to your house on Tuesday night.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

And spends the night.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you know what it is? I showed him how great civilization is.

[Female Guest]

We have a nice guest bed.

[Jay Oakerson]

I do fuck up sometimes and show everyone how great civilization is. And air conditioning and, like, TVs and stuff.

[Female Guest]

We lit a fire outside.

[Christine]

Yeah, well, I'm just wondering. I'm wondering if it came up where he Was like, I gotta go do this thing on Friday with Bobby. And you guys maybe got in his head a little bit about, don't go. You don't. I don't know if I should go. And you guys, like, dude, that don't go, you have a lot of stuff. And someone got into his head.

[Female Guest]

I would say it was discussed. Not at all. Even kind of.

[Christine]

Jay.

[Female Guest]

No, I think it was.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Female Guest]

I don't think anybody talked to Ari about your trip.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Christine]

Okay. Okay. I'm sorry for bringing it up, but I. In my head, I was like, it went from 90. Your house, which is fun house, which is snacks. There's bento dessert boxes. There's a pool, there's a Jacuzzi, there's an outdoor tv.

[Jay Oakerson]

Dessert box is really designed for you when you come over. It's based around you.

[Christine]

You don't do dessert boxes with other people.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Christine]

Oh, makes me feel good. Thanks.

[Jay Oakerson]

It should.

[Christine]

Appreciate that. Well, you're our friend.

[Female Guest]

That's.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby's coming. Bobby's coming. Bobby's coming. We gotta get the trunk of desse.

[Christine]

Hey, one dessert isn't enough.

[Jay Oakerson]

We have to get a bento box.

[Jacob]

What?

[Christine]

Sauce?

[Jay Oakerson]

All of all the sauces and everything you have to offer.

[Christine]

But then Wednesday, he switched. He's like, I don't know. Thursday he's totally back to 5050. And then Thursday night, he's 9010 not going. So I'm ready to go. Max is excited that he's going. I'm literally packing five bags for camping. And I kind of need him at this point to almost be a, you know, a pack mule kind of. I got to put stuff in your bags that you're going to bring up for this trip. And then I'm on the phone with him till one o' clock in the morning trying to. I'm literally have Max on the phone feeding him lines on how to guilt Ari. You know I love you, and whatever you got to do, it's okay, but I will miss you. And it does bum me out because Ari was only going for Max. He was like, do you really want me to go, Max? And Max was like, I don't know. And I was like, yes. Say yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

You really didn't give a.

[Christine]

Max cared, but not as much as I made him care.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

For an hour on the phone, Dad,

[Female Guest]

I can carry the shit.

[Christine]

To the point where Ari was like, you're feeding him lies. I heard you. Yeah, she heard me whispering to Max. Because at one point, Max up. I was like, say. Say I really do want you to go. He goes, you go, man, if you want. And I was like, what? I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I really want you to go. He goes, I really want you to go. And he just fucking shot it out like a bad actor. So anyways, kid is untrained. Max finally was like, you know what? Look at, man, I understand. And I was like, ari, whatever. Hour on the phone, I was like, dude, do your thing. You're worried about it, but this would be a great time. You know, you're gonna. You know that you're gonna be bummed out that you don't go, because this is gonna be great. Ari's out. So now, the next day, I just got Joe Russell's wife showing up, and I'm packing all these bags they could now look at. If Ari came, it would have been great because Max and Ari would have went and did, you know, things together. And Ari's crazy. Max is a little nuts. He likes to go off and hike and jump in the water and all that. And I had to do all the work, right? So I pack all these bags and I'm like, all right, let's go. We wind up hitting the road. We're. We're going up to the place. I realize, oh, shit. I didn't pack hoodies for me and Max. You need a hoodie for at night when it gets cold. So I gotta find a Marshalls. I find a Marshalls. We gotta go in. There's two hoodies left. There's no hoodies anywhere anymore. The lady's like, they're all gone. So we find the last two hoodies that fit us literally in. All of Marshalls. Get the hoodies. Then I realized I don't know if I packed the protein.

[Announcer]

That.

[Christine]

Not the protein, the propane. So I'm like, we gotta get pro.

[Jay Oakerson]

You definitely pack the protein.

[Christine]

So then we gotta go to find a hard way, like, this is everything up. So then we get up to the mountain, all the bags. We got the hoodies. We got the propane. We get. We get on the trail.

[Jay Oakerson]

We're going primitive propane.

[Christine]

And we. We hike all the way up. And it's a nice hike. It's up. But then when you get up to the top, it's these beautiful waterfalls, four of them that go into each other. Everybody's excited. Then we go up a little further.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now, what's the crew?

[Christine]

You, me, Max, Joe, Russell, and Olivia, AKA Ham face. We get up to the site. I don't know, I just call her Ham Face. I don't know why I just made it up one day.

[Jay Oakerson]

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[Christine]

days this show is sponsored by Better Help. You know, for me during the summer when things are nice and things are happening, I usually start to think I can do it by myself. For some people, summer is their favorite season. But for others like me, juggling everything is pretty demanding and it's tough and it can lead to feelings, being overwhelmed and anxiety and counting down the minutes, minutes just waiting for get back to some type of structure. Whether you're someone who thrives or just survives in the summer, make sure to take care of yourself during the warm months. Therapy with BetterHelp, the world's largest online therapy platform, can help you understand your needs, feel more confident setting boundaries and creating a vision of summer that can actually feel good. Just take a short questionnaire to identify your needs and Preferences and BetterHelp will handle the initial therapist matching for you. Feel confident knowing betterhelp. Their therapists work according according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the us you don't have to say yes to everything this summer. Find support in therapy, sign up and get 10% [e-mail] bonfire. That's B E T T E R h e l p.com bonfire I went to Cuba last year, went through a hurricane and didn't speak Spanish and it really hit me. I speak one language. Most Americans only speak one language and everybody else speaks two. Three. And I vowed that day to learn Spanish and I'm going to go back to Cuba and know how to get bread, say hello, check into my hotel, do all the stuff I wanted to do that I couldn't do last year that's happening with Babel. If you're traveling this summer, here is a real travel hack. Don't wait until you land to start learning the language. Instead, try Babel. Even just 10 minutes a day. That's what I do with Babbel can help you start having real conversations in as little as three weeks. Less are quick, practical and built by more than 200 language experts. And instead of memorizing random vocab, you're learning phrases you'll use. Ordering dinner, asking for directions, or talking with locals. That's what you need. This is how you learn the language, by speaking it. Now I can go into a store, I talk to the guys at the garage. I can actually have a conversation. Am I fluent yet? No, but I'm definitely getting better at Spanish. Babbel's awesome. If you've got summer travel coming up, now's the time to start. So you can actually use what you learn on the trip. Right now, Babel is offering listeners up to 60% off. Go to babel.combonfire that's Babbel. B-A-B-B-E-L.combonfire for up to 60% off. Rules and restrictions may apply.

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[Announcer]

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[Christine]

We get up to the site, and it's nobody's there, which is great. It's just us.

[Jay Oakerson]

Does she have a very pink face?

[Female Guest]

No.

[Christine]

I don't know. I just called her ham face.

[Jay Oakerson]

Big fat face.

[Christine]

No, but I don't know. I just said ham face.

[Jay Oakerson]

Does it sweat?

[Jacob]

She. Is she him?

[Christine]

No. What?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, does she, like. Does she, like, smile and, like, say a lot of dumb jokes? Like a ham?

[Christine]

I think she really likes ham. And that's why I called the ham face. One day, she was talking about ham.

[Announcer]

All right.

[Christine]

I was like, all right.

[Jay Oakerson]

Ham enjoys ham.

[Christine]

She loves a ham and a cheese. I don't know if you've ever seen the cheese show on YouTube. That's their whole gimmick is cheese and sometimes ham and sometimes ham.

[Jacob]

Ham.

[Christine]

So we get up to the.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm back. Sorry.

[Christine]

We got up to the site, and it's. Now I'm. I'm used to just taking care of me, my stuff. You know what I mean? And when I.

[Jay Oakerson]

She not take it offensively at all when you call her ham face.

[Christine]

No, she loves it.

[Jay Oakerson]

She does enjoy it. You know, she's just hiding the pain

[Christine]

through laughter maybe, but I don't think so.

[Female Guest]

No, she's pretty.

[Christine]

She's very pretty. Yeah, she's very pretty. There she is.

[Jay Oakerson]

But now all I can see is ham in her face.

[Female Guest]

That's right.

[Christine]

Isn't it cool? Now when you see her. What's up, hamfish face? It's kind of fun, right? I'm calling a pig ham face. So we get up there, I'm like, all right, I got. I got four bags of. To unpack tents all. We gotta set up camp. So I, I, I set up my thing. Max is. Max is great, but he's being a little scooch. He wants to set his thing up near the fire, but it's on, like, a little slant a hill. And I'M trying to be. You know, teach him, like, hey, if you're on a hill, I'm trying to teach him, like, bushcraft.

[Jay Oakerson]

And he's like, what if you're on a hill?

[Christine]

What if you're on a hill? You have to have a little bit of a slant. You have to have your head at the top, or you'll just slide down into the tent. And I'm like, you want gravity, right? You want to be at. You want your head at the top. You don't want your feet at the top because the blood all rushes to your head, and you'll be uncomfortable all night. But he doesn't give a About that. He just wants to put the tent where he wants to put the tent. And I'm getting. I'm getting. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I'm. It's. It's like, we got to get this camp thing going. So finally we get everything out, and I realize I didn't pack me and Max's sleeping pads. We don't have anything to sleep on. And I just.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sleeping bags.

[Christine]

We have sleeping bags. And I have.

[Jay Oakerson]

And tent floor and.

[Christine]

Yeah, 10, four, and. And Max is kind of. He's like, what? I'm like, I forgot our sleeping pads.

[Jay Oakerson]

Because, Ari, when I start doing a good. Like, dad,

[Christine]

teach me how to be a caveman. That's pretty much exactly what he said.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Christine]

I mean, it was almost uncanny how he was reacting.

[Jay Oakerson]

We should tell him that the caveman did not have sleeping pads.

[Christine]

I have 15 sleep. I have all this.

[Jay Oakerson]

But that's not primitive.

[Christine]

The reason that is primitive.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sleeping pads.

[Christine]

Yeah, Sleeping pad.

[Jay Oakerson]

Never heard of that.

[Christine]

Dude. I'm not. I'm not a caveman. We're gonna have to be comfortable.

[Jay Oakerson]

But that must have been on the. That must be on the cutting room floor of Apocalypto.

[Christine]

I'm not trying to do Apocalypto. I'm trying to. We're going up. The primitive part is that this propane.

[Female Guest]

I was like, oh, well, propane. And can I. Did you. When you unpacked?

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Female Guest]

Did you forget the propane, or did you pack it?

[Christine]

No, I did have it. It was in. I had the propane.

[Female Guest]

We didn't.

[Christine]

And we had hoodies. Don put hoodies in the bottom of the bag.

[Jay Oakerson]

Good.

[Christine]

We didn't. Because when I was taught you should

[Jay Oakerson]

have slept in the hoodies, I was

[Christine]

in the middle of packing, and that's when I was dealing with the Ari situation that I didn't want to deal with that I didn't think I was going to deal with, but all of a sudden he's got this, well, I only have 13 days to get all my shit together.

[Jay Oakerson]

Listen, listen, I understand Ari is the closest to primitive man we know. I understand that he lives like he was fucking in a well for the last 25 years, but yeah, this sounds horrible.

[Christine]

Well, the way I work, I'm very. Because I have adhd, so. But when I'm doing something, I will do it. But you cannot. You can't say something to me. You can't talk to me like, Don will come in when I'm doing something. But hey, can you. And I'm like, don't. You can't fucking talk to me. Because I'll go down that spiral, then I'll go over there and do that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, that's fun company.

[Christine]

I'm not saying it was fun.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm building the tent. He goes, hey, you think I should make a fire?

[Christine]

Shut up.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm building a tent and I can just build a tent. I don't talk about fires or food right now.

[Christine]

Again, pretty spot on.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay? I mean, pretty good.

[Christine]

I mean, pretty spot on, dude. I get very. I get very militant and they go,

[Jay Oakerson]

I guess I'll just go sit over here quietly like primitive woman.

[Christine]

But I also like my stuff organized. Like, you know, like Joe is using my axe, my, my, my hatchet and has a. It has a really nice sheath, a custom made sheath on it. And he's just using the hatchet. I'm like, well, where's the sheath? He goes, I don't know. And I'm like, you don't, you don't. You know, you don't. If you have, you. When you have the sheath, you take it off and you put it somewhere where you know it is or you'll lose it up here. You know, all that it drove. It drives me nuts when people use my stuff.

[Jay Oakerson]

Should have killed him with a rock. That's what the primitive man would have done.

[Christine]

So now we set up the tents and meanwhile, Olivia and Joe have a beautiful sleeping pad. They have a great one. They have pillows, they have a great tent. Me and Max have nothing. I bought two brand new, brand new pillows. Both of them had holes in them, so I had no pillow.

[Jay Oakerson]

Primitive pillows. One hoodie could be the sleeping pad. The other hoodie, the extra ones you have now could be pillows.

[Christine]

Well, yes, that's exactly what you do, Jay. You take. Take clothes and you put it in Apocalypto. So now we get up there and I forgot. Usually when we go primitive camping, we'll get some breakfast, which I did. And then on the way up, we'll get, like, subs or some food.

[Jay Oakerson]

Primitive subs. In your primitive cooler with your primitive ice pack.

[Jacob]

Well, the reason.

[Christine]

The reason why you. I will get some food. Like when me and Ari and Joe went. We all got subs. So when we got up to the top, it's around lunchtime. We eat so that we're not hungry. You get. You know, you forget that you're hiking. I forgot to get food. I forgot because we had to stop at Marshalls. Then the hardware store. I was gonna stop at Dunkin Donuts. Everybody eat. Try to shit at Dunkin Donuts so we don't have to shit up there. We.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know which is worse. Donuts, dude. Step over a bong.

[Jacob]

Yeah. Which one do you pick?

[Christine]

So I forgot the food part. So we get all the way up there. We set everything up. Max, everybody's starving. But I only have enough food for dinner. I have mountain packs of. I have two Mac and cheese, and I have two chicken and dumplings that you add. Dumplings that you add hot water to. And it's freeze dried.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

And then I have.

[Jay Oakerson]

You love everything freeze dried. Now, ice cream sandwiches.

[Christine]

I brought those too. But that was dessert. Yeah, and then I brought sausages.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think you're supposed to. Now, let me ask you. I know this is primitive camping, so maybe I'm just misunderstanding this. Did you hunt and kill those ice cream sandwiches? Did you have to follow the ice cream sandwich tracks through the woods and maybe smell them? Are you teaching Max how to track crack?

[Liam]

So.

[Christine]

So now.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Max, now go pluck this chicken and put it into dumplings.

[Christine]

So I have. And I have sausages. But I told Dawn, I go, everybody gets two sausages. Put them in a bag and then it frees them. So by the time we get up there, they'll be unfrozen and ready to cook. She only put two sausages for Max, two sausages for Olivia, two sausages for Josh. She gave me a six pack instead of eight, which I needed.

[Jay Oakerson]

So the girl can't eat.

[Christine]

No, I can't.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's what the primitive people would do. Won't eat. You have to go out and hunt.

[Christine]

Here's another thing that happened.

[Jay Oakerson]

You still have to go out and catch your ice cream sandwiches. You gotta check the ice cream sandwich trap and see if anything came up.

[Christine]

So. So, Max, I. Max is really bummed out that we don't have a Sleeping pass. I finally get him over that and then I real. Everybody's hungry. So I'm like, fuck. I have one thing of rice that you just put into a. It's a pre made rice. You put it into a pan, you add a little water, you stir it and it heats up and it's great. And I have the little. I have a stove, a little heating stove with the propane. So Max is like, Max just sitting. Like, I'm starving, I'm hungry. And either we break into dinner, you

[Jay Oakerson]

should have given the straw and been like, go drink the river, son.

[Christine]

I go, either I break into dinner, which is gonna suck. Cause then when it's dinner time, we're gonna be hungry again. Or I break out this rice. So I make the rice, I hand it to Max. Max goes, hey, do you guys want some of this? And they both were like, yeah, we do. Like, everybody starving. Like, it was turning into Lord of the Flies.

[Jay Oakerson]

You should hold up. You should be like, enjoy your sleeping pads. We have the food. You guys weren't out there long enough.

[Christine]

It kind of went there, there.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Christine]

So they like. Everybody's starving, so everybody's like eating this little tiny portion of fries that Max has. So then I'm like, we don't have enough food. I'm like, you know, we. There's a. Over at the swimming.

[Jay Oakerson]

We may have to hike back to subs.

[Christine]

So there's a swimming hole. There's a beautiful, like waterfall with like a deep hole and it. And this really granite rock that you can walk down. And it's almost like a pool, like a natural pool that you can walk into. And this. This guy was down there and. And he actually came over. He was. He lived in the area. And he hikes up.

[Jay Oakerson]

Terrifying.

[Christine]

It's kind of scary.

[Jay Oakerson]

I live here. Want me to catch you a fish with my hands?

[Christine]

But he was like a kind of hippie dude with his dog. And he. He actually came over and gave us some firewood because we had to start sawing, getting wood for the fight. We had to. We get like a fell tree. And I brought my. My Japanese silky saw and my hatch and. And.

[Jay Oakerson]

But no pillow.

[Christine]

No pillow, no sleeping pad, not enough

[Jay Oakerson]

food, not enough food. And.

[Christine]

And then too many hoodies.

[Female Guest]

You told Joe and Olivia, like, I'm taking care of the food.

[Christine]

I. I told everybody I'm taking care of everything. But the thing with Ari, while I was in the middle of packing everything, I got sidetracked and it was too late. So I was like, I think I have Everything. But I didn't. I didn't double. I should have double checked everybody's bag.

[Jay Oakerson]

Being a primitive camping, I'd say triple check everything, always. Why not?

[Liam]

Not.

[Jay Oakerson]

So this guy, once you get up there and you're like, well, we're out of subs and rice. So now we're. You could even see my smoke signal.

[Christine]

This guy goes to me, I go, hey, man, how. I was like, willing to go hike all the way down, get in the car, go get some food, like some subs or something, and come back. And I go, how far is the nurse? I don't think I packed enough food. I think I messed up for tonight. Everybody's hungry now. And I had a nice bush, like three cigars lying out. And he goes, oh, those are nice cigars. I go, yeah, dude. He goes, you know what? I brought a sub up here. I was gonna eat. Eat the sub up here, but I'm not gonna eat it. I was just gonna take it back down. If you want it, you can have it. And I was like, what? He goes, yeah, I have a sub, a turkey sub if you guys want it. I go, we'll take it. And I go, how about I give you a cigar for the sub? So he's like, that's a deal. So we bartered.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're a well paid famous entertainer.

[Christine]

I didn't have cash on me, bro. I had a credit card, and I didn't. What am I gonna Venmo? We had no cell service. We had nothing. We're in sos.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know you're bartering with some moonshiner you met up at the thing.

[Christine]

So he. He came back and I'm like, you know, it's gonna be some. He came back with a sub. It was like from the 80s or 90s.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I know what you mean.

[Christine]

A fatso, buddy. You know what I'm talking.

[Jay Oakerson]

It', buddy.

[Christine]

It's four, it's this long.

[Jay Oakerson]

And if you guys kill the girl, it's enough for all of you. You have to stop respecting this woman.

[Christine]

He came back with it, and it was perfectly wrapped. It was like this big, the whole French roll. And I opened it and the turkey, it was perfect. Turkey, perfect lettuce, perfect, man. Everything about this sub was magical. And so he gave us the sub. And as soon as he gave us a sub, we just started ripping it apart like animals.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's crazy.

[Christine]

We were so hungry. I gave them.

[Jay Oakerson]

We got there for hours.

[Female Guest]

I thought in my head, this was like a solo thing and you're gonna. You walked Back with the sub.

[Jay Oakerson]

Finally, finally, some colors coming back to my lips. Food. James Franco was stuck with his arm for 127 hours.

[Jacob]

Four hours.

[Jay Oakerson]

You already had breakfast in a sub.

[Christine]

We really. We had a lot of chocolate croissants and Queen of Moms, you guys. And we had monkey bread.

[Jay Oakerson]

You guys. You guys were acting like you were starving in the wood and you hadn't eaten for a couple hours. You hadn't eaten your third meal. You would have been fine till the next day. You didn't have to steal an old man's hoagie.

[Christine]

But you understand, when I do this in my brain, everything has to go in a certain.

[Jacob]

Look.

[Christine]

We had breakfast packs, too, that I didn't want to break into because I thought we were gonna eat breakfast. If worse came to worst, I would have just broke out breakfast and eaten the oatmeal and the whatever we're gonna have. But I wanted to.

[Jay Oakerson]

Should have accepted failure, walked back down the mountain and went to Denny's.

[Christine]

So it gets worse. So.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my Lord.

[Christine]

So we eat the bread. I mean, we eat the sub. Everybody's happy. And then we're like, all right, they poisoned you.

[Jay Oakerson]

It took you hostage.

[Christine]

That's what I was thinking. You know what I mean?

[Liam]

Yes.

[Christine]

What if you took a hoagie from

[Jay Oakerson]

a stranger in the woods?

[Christine]

That's crazy. In my brain, I'm like, who has a hoagie in the woods?

[Jay Oakerson]

That's crazy.

[Christine]

And we're at the top of this thing where it's like, you brought a hoagie, which says one of two things.

[Jay Oakerson]

It says he knew how to lure you.

[Christine]

Either that or it's really not that hot of a hike that you just bring a hoagie up. You know what I mean?

[Female Guest]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Just gonna walk up with there with a hoagie.

[Christine]

So

[Jay Oakerson]

I saw a family that must have been living there for a year or so because they were so hungry.

[Christine]

So we all go over to go swimming, and there's like. Like a waterfall, and the guys jumping off. Max jumped off the cliff into the. It's like a deep hole you can jump into. And I went in. The water was like 40 degrees. It was, like freezing. It was terrible. But once you got in, it was like, oh, my God. After hiking up, being so hot and

[Jay Oakerson]

sweaty, three full meals. I hope you waited 20 minutes after your third meal before you guys went swimming. So then anybody cramp up?

[Christine]

Well, what happened to me was my knee was. I have a bet my knees been

[Jay Oakerson]

act up a lot when Dane Cook sacked you.

[Christine]

So so what was happening? I was coming down to the water. That guy was there. And there was another couple at the water. They hiked up, too. I guess they day hiked up too, to be at the falls. And I was all loaded up. I had my pants on. I had my knife. My land sky was on my. Land sky was on my waist. That's the name of my knife.

[Jacob]

Oh.

[Christine]

I call it Land Sky. And I had all this behind that name. I don't know, because the handle looks like land and sky. So I named it Land Sky. I named my knives. So. Okay, so where were you?

[Female Guest]

I want to Google this place.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do any of them have, like, just regular names like Evan or Steve?

[Christine]

Max is called Day. Max is called Dave Daisy. Oh, because it's yellow. Yeah. I didn't pick that one. So I wanted to go back and take all my gear off so I didn't look like a. You know what I mean?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

And I turned and my foot got caught in a rock, and I popped my quad and fell into the bushes to. To the point where everybody was like, yo, you good, man? And I was just.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, it sucks. They weren't even laughing at you.

[Christine]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, it's worse when they feel bad for you. Everyone can have a good laugh, but they see that you've hit your. Your rock bottom.

[Christine]

I was. I was in so much pain. I had to just take it, too. I was like, I'm good, but my leg. The pop. I could hear it pop, feel it pop. And it hurt so bad. So I went back, but then I looked.

[Jay Oakerson]

Does anybody there smoke pot?

[Christine]

They were on mushrooms. These people. The people that were there were on mushrooms.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, but not Joe and his.

[Christine]

No, I'm. No. Nobody smoked weed.

[Jacob]

Oh.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. This has become even more of a nightmare. At least at the end of this, you'd be like, all right, you know what, dude? Let's just drink ourselves asleep and hope fucking. And if we wake up tomorrow, if wolves don't kill us, we'll get out of here and go hike to hoagies.

[Christine]

So. So then we get. We go down the water. We all jump. It's actually great. Max is jumping up there. It's really great. What a. So then we go back up to start the fire, to start dinner. And I realized that everybody is. They drank too much water. Like, I didn't tell them to ration out their water. I gave everybody two liters. A liter each. Two liters each, and then another liter. But on the way up, they drank, and Max was drinking. Everybody drank the water. So now we don't. Well, we're running low on regular water.

[Jay Oakerson]

I would have just used that water up right away, too. You've got the river. Straw was.

[Christine]

Well, the thing is, is I got. I have my filter, my be free filter. And I. I was like, I'm just gonna go get water out of the river.

[Announcer]

We'll.

[Christine]

We'll do that. But when I got it and I pulled it up and then I. I hung it on the tree and I filtered 2 liters of water out. It wasn't clear. It had like a green.

[Jay Oakerson]

Like a needle on a turd.

[Christine]

It had a green tint to it.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's impossible what you're trying to do.

[Christine]

So I didn't.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's a movie about the future called Waterworld where they tried to perfect this, and the one guy who figured it out was, like, the most important guy.

[Christine]

So then I was like, hey, pissing

[Jay Oakerson]

each other's mouths just to stay. It's one night. You guys were. It's like you were fucking castaways.

[Christine]

So I. Did you guys.

[Jay Oakerson]

Did anybody think that. Spell the word help and rocks or something? Maybe fucking plane would see you.

[Christine]

So I'm like, look, guys, I. I don't know. I don't. This water is a little. It still has a little green tint to it. It might be fine. It's probably, you know, it's supposed to filter out all the. The bacteria, but I don't know if it filters out all of the color of the water. Maybe we boil this just to make sure. But I don't. I don't. I don't want. We should ration the water. What we have. And. And if we need to drink this, maybe we will. But if we don't need to, let's not.

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't need to.

[Jacob]

Jay, drink some green water.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hey, have a little green water. Let me give you kudos here. I feel like this is a lot of me laughing at you, but I do want to say God bless you. I don't know. You're more manly than me in these kind of things, without a doubt, but I don't know how much more what you have. That's impressive to me and very masculine. Very sexy. Masculine is. You'll go try to try it. You'll try to do it.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

You'll try to. If the cabinet thinks. If you just like. I think it just needs a hammer and a nail here job. You'll go do it?

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

I still feel like I'm gonna fuck it up and I should Get a man to do it. So I appreciate your willingness to fucking go for it. Now go ahead. I'm sorry, I gotta give kudos. I don't want to just be chopping down the whole time because this is hilarious. This is a. This is a major fumble of a day.

[Female Guest]

So.

[Christine]

So we wind up cooking everything. I get the fire going. I cook sausages on the grill.

[Jay Oakerson]

Six sausages.

[Christine]

Six. Right.

[Jacob]

And then.

[Jay Oakerson]

But Olivia, now, now someone's eating half sauce. You had to cut. You had to cut them all in half so it looked like it was on purpose. It's only that many.

[Christine]

But the problem is, is Max can eat like a horse.

[Jay Oakerson]

So he's just shits like a horse. From what you tell us, we're going to need a bigger Dunkin Donuts.

[Christine]

So Max is just eating like a 13 year old that, you know, has never ending fucking metabolism. I didn't take that into account too.

[Jay Oakerson]

And you wrote a growing boy.

[Christine]

Yeah, so. So we cook, we get everything together and then after dinner, they clean up. I got to go hang. I got to get the bear bag ready because we have to put all the food, toothpaste, anything, any bars in the bag up a tree. Tree up, away from camp. So no critters come to the camp. We don't want any bears or any raccoon, anything coming to the camp forging through our right. So they come back.

[Jay Oakerson]

Can't bears climb trees?

[Christine]

They keep. But you, you, you. There's a tree like you. There's a tree branch that goes out up high. You throw the rope over there in the middle of it, and then you attach the bag and then you pull the bag up and tie it off to another tree. And they can't reach it and they can't go out on the branch to get it. You know what I mean?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. So they just sit there staring at it until you guys wake up. He goes, oh, oh, well, I can just eat them.

[Christine]

That is a possibility.

[Jay Oakerson]

He goes, oh, dude, who wants chips when there's four delicious steaks inside and

[Christine]

one of them looks like a ham.

[Jay Oakerson]

One's a ham.

[Christine]

So I hang the bear bag up, which, you know, they went to clean all the dishes that clean the dishes out. And then I, I hang the bear bag and then I come back and those two were like, oh, we have the toothpaste and snacks. I'm like, but I already fucking hang. I told you I'm hanging. The. That type of shit bugs me. It's like, dude, I told you I'm hanging. Now I gotta go Back, bring the bear bag down, put your dumb shit in it and hang it back up, whatever. But then we get. It's getting real. Really, it's.

[Jacob]

What I was gonna interrupt just for a second. Did. So did you all just drink green water?

[Christine]

No. So what happened was we ate dinner.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think if you put protein powder, it's okay.

[Christine]

After dinner. We're fucking dehydrated. Everybody's thirsty. We have. They have a little bit of their water left. I have 3/4 of my Nalgene bottle left, right? And we're really thirsty. And it's the only liquid we have. But we do have. Have.

[Jay Oakerson]

Gay people would have fought it out.

[Christine]

We do have the full bottle of greenish water. It's not green.

[Female Guest]

It's.

[Christine]

It's a tint of green. Sure, it's green that we boiled. And they're. They're like, the fire's on. It's a beautiful night. We're hanging out, smoking cigars that I had. And it. You know, the stars are just crazy. Nobody's out there. It's just us on top of this little mountain.

[Jay Oakerson]

You have a. You have a Alexis hybrid. You shouldn't have to wait for boiling water to cool to drink. You shouldn't have to be in that position ever.

[Christine]

Right? Well, we have to wait. So then they go. They get so thirsty that they're like, hey, maybe we'll just. We should just try this water. And I was like, yeah, look, we filtered it, we boiled it. It should be fine. Anything that in there that could hurt

[Jay Oakerson]

you is boiled out.

[Christine]

Boiled out, filtered out. But then. So they drank it. But I. They didn't know that I have my water, but I had a. A secret stash of water.

[Jay Oakerson]

I love that. I love that.

[Christine]

And I didn't tell them.

[Jay Oakerson]

I love that.

[Christine]

So then Max is like, well, I'll drink some of the water too. And I'm like, no. I go, no, Max, don't just drink this. We have this water here, Max.

[Jay Oakerson]

If they die, we have the whole hoagie.

[Christine]

Well, Max. Max is like, no, I want to try it. I go, no. I'm like, dude, we got water. Just drink this. He's like, no, I want to try.

[Jay Oakerson]

This kid doesn't take a hint.

[Christine]

So they. Olivia hand face comes over and goes, here, Max. And he takes a sip of the water.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then he goes, he's dead.

[Christine]

He goes, dad, you take some. I go, no. And he goes, just try it. I go, I will not. And then he goes, I like, you

[Jay Oakerson]

guys weren't camping for one night. And you're going to die. Oregon Trail Deaths So Max is like,

[Christine]

like, dad, we all drank it. Just drink it. I go, I'm not drinking. I took it and I poured it on the ground.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, that's going to be very encouraging for everybody. You told to drink it at first.

[Christine]

I go, I'll be the test study. If everybody gets sick and I don't, we know it was the water, and

[Jay Oakerson]

it's definitely the water.

[Female Guest]

So.

[Christine]

So then it's time to go to bed. It's like 11 o' clock at night. We all go into our tents. Me and Max are in our tents tent, and we have no sleep. We're on. Just on the ground. And then I grab the water, go, Max, I got water. And he's like, oh, okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then you drank all those parasites earlier.

[Christine]

I go, you stupid idiot. That's why I was telling you, don't drink the water. I had a stash of water in our tent.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then you guys gotta work on a signal.

[Christine]

Yeah, it was. Just listen to your father for once in your life.

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Jacob]

Is beaver fever. They could get from the beaver.

[Christine]

They could get beaver fever, which is a. Which is a. Which a parasite that's in your gut and it takes a while to get out in a lot of antibiotics.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I thought that's what Christine calls her fan base since the bush thing.

[Christine]

Beaver fever.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, the beaver fevers.

[Christine]

So anyways, the next day, the world's

[Jay Oakerson]

gone nuts with beaver fever.

[Christine]

I'm. I'm so like this. I go, let's just go.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Christine]

I go, let's go. We packed up the tent. We got the bear bag. Me and Max, they actually had like Reese's Pieces pieces, and they had peanut M M's in the bag, so me and Max ate them. We didn't tell them. We just ate their snacks.

[Jay Oakerson]

You tried to poison water and you ate their food. You guys started turning on each other. You were there for seven full hours.

[Christine]

It got very Lord of the Flies.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's crazy how primitive your behavior got. Primitive?

[Female Guest]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Nothing you did was primitive.

[Christine]

But then walking down was a nightmare for. For me because I tore my quad and my knee was hurting. I had most of the. In my. I had the heaviest bag, so I had to go down. I had my walking stick, so I had to go down. And then halfway down, I saw them going through their bag looking for their snacks. And I was like, oh, Max, stop, stop, stop. We got to tell them we stole their snacks. But they. They didn't find them and they didn't they didn't say anything. They just. So then we went down the hill. We got everything down. And then we went to this amazing diner and got pancakes, French toast, which is the best. The best part of primitive camping. The best part of it is when you're not primitive camping. Like the next day when you go home and you get to go fucking, it makes you appreciate.

[Jay Oakerson]

So you bring Max to have a bad time so he'll appreciate the simplicities of a local diner.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't mind. That's a good life lesson.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Female Guest]

You have to call Joe and Olivia and tell them that you stole their snack.

[Christine]

No.

[Female Guest]

So it's not looming because they know you took them.

[Christine]

You're the only people there.

[Female Guest]

Like this has to get now.

[Jay Oakerson]

They have to clear the air. Now they think you guys are weirdos.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Lying little fats.

[Jay Oakerson]

They think you're a weird family who steals food.

[Female Guest]

Like, you guys obviously know we stole your snacks.

[Christine]

I'm sorry. I think Joe knew about the little secret stash of water in my tent.

[Female Guest]

But they heard.

[Christine]

You heard. I mean, I couldn't stop. I was so dehydrated when I got

[Jay Oakerson]

you and Max whisper yelling, why'd you make me drink the goddamn poison water?

[Female Guest]

I would really have to make sure if I was doing something like that, like my backpack would have everything. It would have extra snacks, it would have extra water. It would have extra everything.

[Jay Oakerson]

Electricity.

[Christine]

In hindsight.

[Jay Oakerson]

In hindsight, portable DVD player.

[Christine]

I would have. I would have gave everybody more extra. You should have extra food, extra water, extra everything. And I should have did a little research. I did. I didn't research the filter thing enough where I'm pretty sure you. It filter out the bacteria that would hurt you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Just not the green.

[Christine]

And just not. It was a tint of green.

[Female Guest]

Wait, was it green after you boiled it?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, a little bit.

[Christine]

It was a little bit. Yeah, it was a little green.

[Female Guest]

You can't, like, boil it and then put it back through the filter.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's real water.

[Christine]

I would have. Listen, I would have drank it if we. If I didn't have a secret stash of water in my tent that I knew.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, Bobby, you should have drank it if you realized no one was coming to rescue you. And it's been 15 days.

[Jacob]

I would never, like. Okay, just. I'm not gonna drink water. Just. Okay. If you boil it, probably the beaver duty's not gonna harm you.

[Commercial Voice]

Probably.

[Jacob]

Probably.

[Jay Oakerson]

Probably.

[Jacob]

Maybe.

[Female Guest]

I mean, if the world.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jacob. Beavers are Jacob's biggest foe, it's always gonna be beavers coming for him. Have you dreamt this? I always thought one day the beavers would come for me.

[Christine]

Well, I mean, it was. I was a. It was fun. But it wasn't as fun as it could have been because with Ari and food, if Ari was there, he would have. I could have packed way more food. I would have packed way more stuff, and he could have lugged it up and he could have went while I was setting everything up. I like to do things a certain way and make sure it's done right. He. Ari's Joe autistic. He's good at fire. Ari's good at stoking the fire. Ari, you know this. You went with us. He'll just stare at the fire and keep adding logs and keep moving it around to keep the fire going. Joe's the same way. Joe just kept doing the fire. That's. I'm good at kind of everything else. You know what I mean?

[Female Guest]

I think we also had to stop Ari from throwing plastic in the fire.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, he just did. He threw the full pallet of bottled waters into the fire. Remember that?

[Christine]

Yeah, because he's not. He threw water in to see what would happen, to see if it would explode in everybody's face. Faces. Yeah. And shoot hot coals in our face, which is nuts.

[Jay Oakerson]

It did.

[Female Guest]

I didn't remember it was that extreme.

[Christine]

Yeah, I'm. I'm very. You know, I'm very particular the way I do things. I like to. I'll cook, I'll bring. You know, I'll do certain things. Good. But I can't be in charge of all of it. I can't be in charge of your.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, don't tell them. You're going to be in charge of all of it.

[Christine]

Yeah, well, we made it back. We had Max's birthday on Saturday. I came right back to exhausted, and I had to go do it. Don just handed me a list of shit to do that I had to do because he had a big birthday party on Saturday. At the house? No, just friends. And Don still makes the birthday party for, like. But she brought squirt guns and a sprinkler. I'm like, he's 13. He's not into.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Porno mags.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Christine]

This is going to be a nightmare. He's just going to get the hose and someone's going to get hurt.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bring all the kids in the room and play with those old stag films. Like a black and white. Just naked girl just dancing around, confusing them all.

[Christine]

She got cornhole. I'm like, they're not playing. They're not 48.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's not the cornhole.

[Christine]

They're trying to relive college.

[Liam]

Yeah.

[Christine]

What's wrong with you?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, man. Holy. That first hour flew by. Bobby Kelly, he's going to be a governor's in Levittown. That's Long Island, New York, June 19th and 20th. The comedy mothership in Austin. Tejas, July 3rd through the 5th. After that, he's going to be in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Saratoga Springs in Brooklyn, New York. For tickets and all our tour dates go to Punchup Live. Robert Kelly. Make sure you catch him any Tuesday night down there at the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge, the Comedy Cellar. And check out his YouTube page at robert Kelly Comedy.

[Christine]

I got a mo. I got a video coming up of the whole event that I'll share with you guys.

[Jay Oakerson]

Please.

[Christine]

We took video. We documented pretty much all of it except for me falling.

[Jay Oakerson]

Did you get you bartering with a man for a hoagie? You guys were having seen a hoagie.

[Christine]

I didn't get that, but I have to send the gu.

[Jacob]

Did.

[Christine]

I did promise him I'll send him a package. I'm just going to send him the exact same homie hoagie back. Yeah, yeah, just send him a turkey sub.

[Jay Oakerson]

Turkey Uber eats.

[Christine]

Son of merch. Big J Okerson will be at the Pantage Theater in Minneapolis this weekend, June 12th. And then the Egyptian Theater in Boise, Idaho, the very next night, June 13th. After that, he's going to be in Buffalo, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, and Winnipeg. For tickets and all the tour dates, go to Big J comedy.com and YouTube.com/that Big J Okerson. Oh, God, it's good to be home

[Commercial Voice]

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