Robbed In Rio with Matt McCusker

Summary

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The Bonfire – "Robbed in Rio" with Matt McCusker

Date: October 9, 2025
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly (with Luis J. Gomez)
Guest: Matt McCusker

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Episode Overview

This raucous episode of The Bonfire brings comedian Matt McCusker into the SiriusXM studios for another round of trademark, unfiltered hilarity with Big Jay, Bobby, and regular co-host Luis J. Gomez. The main theme revolves around wild travel stories—most notably Matt getting robbed in Rio—and the trio's irreverent takes on everything from international comedy audiences, local crime in Latin America, language faux pas, the sex industry abroad, and the evolving comedy scenes in Austin and New York. The bond among the comics creates a rapid-fire exchange of stories, jokes, and self-deprecation.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catching Up & Upcoming Projects

Timestamps: 01:03–02:29

• Matt's return to The Bonfire after a long hiatus—reminiscing about older, pre-Robert Kelly days.
• Luis runs down Matt's upcoming comedy tour stops: Buffalo, Tulsa, Naples, Madison ([01:19]).
• They joke about the quirks of comedy club owners—especially the “Captain Brian” persona at a Naples club (“You have to call him Captain Brian”—Robert, [02:00]).
• Matt’s new Netflix special, A Humble Offering, drops on October 7th; filmed at Ontario Improv, California ([02:20–02:37]).

2. Touring, Fans, and California Crowds

02:32–04:11

• Matt and the hosts laugh about confusion over “Ontario” (California vs. Canada) and selling tickets in blue-collar California towns.
• The crew notes strong “cholo” (Latino gang) audience overlap for their comedy:
  • “I mean, the most cholo looking guys... 'I listen to your shit every day, man.'” —Luis ([03:50])
  • Matt feels honored by the support from the Latino community: “Yeah, the Mexicans... they fuck with me, man. It’s an honor, honestly.” ([04:03])

3. Kensington, Philadelphia & The Drug Scene

04:19–08:01

• They riff on Philadelphia’s infamous Kensington neighborhood: open drug use, racial mixing due to addiction, and local rapper “Skrilla.”
• Matt explains the “67” meme: “It’s some slang term for like, Kensington. It’s like an intersection in Kensington.” ([05:03])
• Luis tells a story about Bert Kreischer trying to contact Skrilla live—a comical, naive brush with serious street guys ([05:55–06:48]).
• “We were like the Chinese government... Panopticon. We had him pegged.” —Matt ([06:49])
• They marvel at how drugs unite everyone in Kensington: “There are no racial lines drawn there... Everyone’s there for one thing... trank. They want it and a lot of it…” —Luis ([05:18])

4. Multilingual Mishaps and Brazil Slang

10:16–11:23

• The hosts and Matt show off (poorly) their ability to recall foreign phrases—mainly how to say “I can’t speak this language” in a string of languages ([10:32–10:45]).
• Matt discusses Brazilian Portuguese basics, advising: “El quero voce means ‘I want you.’” ([11:09])
• Cross-lingual misunderstandings lead into the classic segment:
  • “How much for your sister?” —Luis, joking about bartering in Brazil ([11:28])

5. Matt’s (and Bobby’s) Brazil Robbery Stories

12:02–13:24

• Matt recalls being robbed at knifepoint at dawn in Rio:

  “I was out all night… walking along the beach… three young men with fishing knives. I knew like, tranquillo. They took my stuff and laughed at my phrase book.” —Matt ([12:24–13:01])

• He tried bartering with his credit card, but the theft remained mostly cash:

  “Take my credit card and go nuts for like an hour… language barrier.” —Matt ([13:11])

• Observers: “Lucky they didn’t stab you.” ([13:20])
• Bobby’s version: hiring hotel security for protection at the beach, paying them $15 to keep watch ([13:26–14:01]).

6. Brazilian Street Life, Prostitution, and the “Passport Bros”

14:05–16:56; 25:10–27:59

• Comic observations on Brazilian prostitution and aggressive street vendors.
• Bobby explains the “favela” tax loophole—unfinished houses evade property taxes ([16:34–16:56]).
• Matt, Luis, and Bobby unpack the “passport bro” trend—disgruntled Americans seeking romance and easier lives abroad:

  “There’s a big movement online…guys…making viral TikToks...‘Look how hot these chicks are.’” —Matt ([25:13])

• They critique Americans exploiting economic disparity for pickup artistry; mention a German vlogger who inadvertently gets Cubans arrested for illegal currency and sex work on camera ([26:41–27:39]).

7. Comedian Travel Tales—Patrice O’Neal in Brazil

19:50–22:48

• Stories of bringing money to Brazilian street children—actually a dangerous move: “They’re gonna go tell somebody…” —Robert ([20:05]).
• Patrice once angered a kid who summoned a “hungry abs” local—prompting a terrifying walk back to their hotel, feeling genuinely threatened ([21:10–21:28]).
• “He was terrified... just, fuck.” —About Patrice, from Robert ([21:23–21:28])

8. Midgets, Bachelor Parties, and Sex Industry Sidebars

31:42–36:43

• Hilarious sidebar with Luis’s story about almost hooking up with a little-person stripper on Mayhem Fest tour ([33:13–34:50]).
• Bachelor party fail: Matt’s group tries to order a prostitute in Las Vegas for $50; ends with accidentally waking a guy sleeping on the floor instead ([36:44]).

9. Matt’s Special & His Life in Austin

36:43–41:14

• A Humble Offering: Matt describes writing his first hour and collaborating with director Tyler Falbo ([36:43–38:10]).
• Transition to Austin life:
  • “I just... the weather’s nice, for kids. My kids like it… like the suburbs, but 10 minutes from the city.” —Matt ([38:15])
  • “Are you in the Rogan verse?” Luis asks, referencing Joe Rogan’s Austin scene ([38:27]).
• Comparisons of urban anxiety (Philly, NYC) versus the peaceful family pace of suburban life ([38:36–41:14]).

10. Comedy Evolution: Austin vs. New York

41:14–41:58

• Matt and hosts contrast stand-up opportunities in Philly, Austin, New York, and LA.
• Austin’s Mothership club (and others) provide multiple stage opportunities for working comics.
• Matt aspires to “write books eventually and just kind of disappear” ([41:25]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “We were like the Chinese government…Panopticon. We had him pegged.” —Matt McCusker ([06:49])
• “There are no racial lines drawn there…Everyone’s there for one thing…trank.” —Luis J. Gomez ([05:18])
• “Take my credit card and go nuts...it was like a language barrier.” —Matt McCusker ([13:11])
• “If your house isn’t finished, you don’t have to pay taxes.” —Robert Kelly, on favela homes ([16:46])
• “I would love to…If I didn’t have this show, I would move to another state.” —Robert Kelly on NYC ([38:36])
• “I go one [hotel key]. And write that down for the record. One key.” —Matt ([29:24])

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Topic Timestamps

• 01:03 – Matt is introduced, club talk, and tour dates
• 02:20 – Netflix special plug and discussion
• 03:31 – Cholo and blue-collar audiences
• 04:19 – Kensington, PA: The drug scene, Skrilla rapper story
• 12:02 – Matt’s Rio de Janeiro robbery story
• 13:26 – Bobby’s security-at-the-beach anecdote
• 14:25 – Street life in Brazil, prostitution, leg hair lore
• 19:50 – Patrice O’Neal’s Brazil adventures
• 25:10 – The “Passport Bros” phenomenon
• 31:42 – Midget/little person sex worker stories
• 36:43 – Matt’s special, Austin life, comedy cities
• 41:25 – Aspirations beyond stand-up, writing books

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Tone & Style

Unfiltered, conversational, and self-deprecating with lots of inside comic jabs, observational stories, and wild tangents. The group manages to poke fun at themselves, each other, and their surroundings while maintaining camaraderie and genuine admiration for the strange, shared world of comedy.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a great sampler of The Bonfire at its best: rowdy comedian storytelling, junk-drawer knowledge about the world, and the chaotic fun of irrepressible hosts with a talented guest. If you’re looking for a blend of travel horror stories, behind-the-curtain comedy reflections, and a barrage of punchlines, this is one not to miss.

Transcript

[Matt McCusker]

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[Matt McCusker]

And now the bonfire with Big J.

[Robert Kelly]

Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The Bonfire faction talk series XM103. We had awesome guest in the house. First time on the bonfire, I believe. Second time bonfire.

[Matt McCusker]

Not for a long time. I haven't been here for a long time.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So he's gonna be at Helium Comedy Club in Buffalo.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's a long time ago. That was a different bonfire. Wow.

[Matt McCusker]

It was when I was a boy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, that was just. That was Stan Soder bonfire.

[Robert Kelly]

We don't. We don't say that.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We're talking about that. October 17th and 18th is going to be at Helium Comedy Club in Buffalo. After that, Tulsa, Naples, Florida and Madison. For tickets and all of us tour dates go to Matt McCusker.com. it is the hilarious Matt McCusker.

[Robert Kelly]

You're doing the. You're doing the old Captain Brian's.

[Matt McCusker]

What's the Captain Brian?

[Robert Kelly]

The show you're doing in Naples.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, is that what it is? Yeah. Oh, God, I'm excited, man.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's okay.

[Matt McCusker]

You'll have fun, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

You'll have fun. He'll have fun. That'll be all right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

As long as, you know, the club's fine.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

What sucks, then?

[Luis J. Gomez]

The guy is deplorable.

[Matt McCusker]

The owner stinks.

[Robert Kelly]

You have to call him Captain.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Nah, he does what he does. He will insist you call him Captain Brian.

[Matt McCusker]

I could fall in line, though, if he gets me with, like, nautical, you know? Yeah. He used to be a chain of command. Was he really?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

No, he was.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Nope. He.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll tell you what he did. He had a boat and he took people on fishing Tours, which technically it's Captain. Makes you the captain.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Matt Special Humble Offering premieres on Netflix Tuesday, October 7th. Congratulations, by the way, man. That's awesome.

[Matt McCusker]

Thank you, man. Thanks.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, congratulations.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Where'd you shoot it at?

[Matt McCusker]

Ontario, California, Right outside of la.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Is that club the Improv?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's the Ontario.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I love that.

[Robert Kelly]

So do I.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what I'm saying. Club is awesome, man.

[Robert Kelly]

It's like this, how dumb I am. And we all know this. He said, Ontario, California. I stopped at Ontario and still thought Canada. And I went, why Canada?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. No, common misconception.

[Robert Kelly]

And you said, I love it, it's great. I'm like, what?

[Matt McCusker]

No, no, no. That was the thing too, when I advertised. So I was there a long time ago. I did a bunch of. One night, I did like San Jose, Irvine, and then I went to Ontario and I couldn't sell tickets in Ontario and I had to keep being like, it's Ontario, California. It is not Canada. Please don't buy them from Canada. You know, blah, blah, blah. And I like struggled to sell tickets there and then. But the show was amazing. So that was the only club I didn't do that material in that I know I liked. So I remember I was there like, where do you want to film it? I was like, there's only one place that I have in my mind because I didn't want to show up somewhere and to film when I don't know if the club's any good.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Right.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's like. Strangely, I said, I know it is. It's California. It's inland California. Just my people. Much more. It's the working blue collary kind of people. It's not la, it's not actors and baristas and it's really like people. No, it is. I have. Yeah. I also weirdly have a. There's a real cholo crossover to our brand of comedy. Surprise. San Jose. Like, I mean, the most cholo looking guys, he goes, I listen to your shit every day, man. Really?

[Robert Kelly]

I feel good. When I look out, it's all cholos. There's a woman with neck tattoos just cackling at my horseshit.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah, the. Yeah, the Mexicans. And you know, they. They fuck with me, man. It's kind of. It's an honor, honestly.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Call them the lads.

[Robert Kelly]

The lads, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

We used to work with this Irish guy and he called him the Mexicans. The lads. He'd be like, all the lads are here. We just stick with that. Now they're the lads.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Matt keeps a Gangster. We were on Bert Kreischer's tour bus for the Fully Loaded tour, and we were watching. I was showing them Kensington. We were showing people Kensington Cam, which is in Kensington. Philadelphia.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. It's terrible.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Horrible neighborhood. You could just watch people die, basically.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And. But also the outside of some clubs. And he was going. And he. I never even heard this name before. It's funny how much it's in my life now. He goes, is that Skrilla? Skrilla's like a, you know, a pretty well known, like, Philly rapper. He's like, pretty big.

[Matt McCusker]

He started the 67 trend. That was him.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What is that?

[Matt McCusker]

That whole Internet 67 thing when everyone goes 67 on that. That was from his song. And then people just. Kids took it out.

[Robert Kelly]

My son says that it's from Skrilla. Well, does it mean. Is this bad?

[Matt McCusker]

I. I believe 67 is some slang term for. For like, Kensington. It's like a intersection in Kensington.

[Robert Kelly]

I gotta call my wife.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. There's all kids talking about. You know, it's like. They're like. It's. I don't know. I don't know if it's like a gang thing or what, but it's great.

[Robert Kelly]

Max is in a gang.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Well, he's from a place that there's. I said there's no. The beauty of Kensington. There are no racial lines drawn there.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It is harmony on those streets because everyone's there for one thing and one thing only. Trank. They want it and they want a lot of it, and that's all they care about. No one. I've never seen a white person even walk through that situation looking nervous.

[Matt McCusker]

No, it's a lot of white people. It's like, I would say almost majority white stuff. Kensington was a white area of Philly. And it's just now it's just mostly white heroin addicts with kind of. Yeah, it's everybody. It's black people, white people, Hispanics, they're all there. It's like a utopia.

[Robert Kelly]

So heroin brings people together.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It does.

[Robert Kelly]

It does, man.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And this guy Skrill is like the king of it. And this is so funny when he calls. So Matt points that I goes, that's this guy Skrilly. Burt being Burt, like, gets hyped up. He goes, oh. And he starts, like, messaging like, Adam, like, hey, Scurla, we're watching you on the camera right now. Like, come. And Matt's even. Even kind of going, like. Well, the guys are kind of like, serious. He's like the real deal. Like, Yeah, I wouldn't, like, do this. And then Burt's like, hey, Skrilla, we're watching you right now from my tour bus. We're on the Fully Loaded tour. And then when we see Skirl kind of come outside and have it be like a little bit of like a. What the fuck is going on? And everyone's like, hey, dud it down. Then it's like his Internet people, his social people were like, take. They pulled it all down.

[Matt McCusker]

I. I follow him on Instagram. So then, like, because we kept seeing people go in and out of this, like, it was like a nightclub bar kind of thing. So we're just watching him on the camera. And then I would pull up his Instagram and he was in live. So we got. We watched him on a street corner. Then we had eyes in the building he was in.

[Robert Kelly]

You guys are stalking.

[Matt McCusker]

We were like, the Chinese government. We were just following him. Panopticon D. We had him. We had him pegged.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Ever.

[Matt McCusker]

I. I'd message him be like, by the way, dude, like, you rap about, like, you know, a bunch of, like, dangerous stuff. I don't know if you should location that easily spottable on YouTube.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's funny how much I've heard his name since, because it turns out after that moment, I told my daughter is a fan, actually, of his shit. She has since gone to, I think, multiple shows. She's dressed like Skrilla for Halloween one year. They have a picture of her and her roommate with Skrilla after the show. I think he did somewhere. Yeah, like, she's like, in.

[Matt McCusker]

I heard he's a really nice guy. Honestly, I've heard. I think I knew someone who made beats for him or something. They're like, he's actually was quite the gentleman.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I heard he just carries a gun and believes in chicken bone magic.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, you got to watch that. Yeah, yeah. Sacrificing chickens.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He does. He's like, really in the weird. But he's also. He loves just being from this awful, awful place.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, his promo videos are great, though. When he gets those guys who are, like, bent over on the sidewalk.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Zombies.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, the zombies. He'll be like, yo, tell them about this. You know, my tour. Like, he advertises a lot of, like, weird weed websites that are like, ship you stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

But he uses. He uses the heroin addicts to promote his gigs.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's kind of awesome.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a great idea.

[Matt McCusker]

It's progressing.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Heroin, it's more tranq now. It's cheaper and eat your skin from the End from the.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm going to start using homeless people around New York.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You should.

[Robert Kelly]

That'd be good. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Give them something.

[Robert Kelly]

Or I could give. What are those people called? The. The Spanish people.

[Matt McCusker]

They call those migrants.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, those people. I don't want to say. When I say with the Boston accent, it sounds racist. And then Jacob gets emails.

[Luis J. Gomez]

There's my do daughter for. Oh, my God, Halloween is skrilla.

[Matt McCusker]

That's awesome.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And then do you have a thing where they're together with them?

[Matt McCusker]

Damn, Is that. Wow, that's actually a fantastic costume.

[Luis J. Gomez]

What an idiot. Except she's. Except she's a Caucasian reading Hispanic.

[Robert Kelly]

I would hang. I would hang out with that dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So it's just like Skrillex if he's very black. And she's a Caucasian Hispanic.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow, that's crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

That is so.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah. None of Isabella's Hispanic showed up in her skin tone whatsoever.

[Robert Kelly]

She really does have your white shirt.

[Luis J. Gomez]

She really does. Poor kid speaks fluent Spanish. She goes, no one believes. Although that's what that did for her, which was great. I remember the first time she got a job at Foot Locker. It was her first day really ever working a job like that. And she was doing the kind of slow on the, you know, cash register. And like, this was like a, you know, Mexican family or something were in there. And she was like, you know, taking a long time. And one of them said to the other one like, you know, in Spanish, like, must be this, you know, this idiot's first day or something. And then she just finished, like, all the transactions. She was like, it is my first day, by the way. And you see, like, the face. That's got to be a fun thing to be able to do.

[Robert Kelly]

I've wanted to do that my whole life.

[Matt McCusker]

Same, same.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's why I'm doing duolingo230.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Doing it. But you're doing it with Mandarin. You're never going to figure I'm not doing Mandarin. So one day someone insults you and you can go, oh, by the way, guys. Oh. Oh, he heard us.

[Robert Kelly]

That guy is the best. He goes into these restaurants, these Chinese restaurants or the dim sum places with just Chinese people. This guy goes, and he knows Mandarin. He's a white dude, whitest dude ever. And he sits down and then he'll come over and he'll play stupid. Like, is this dumplings? And she's like, yeah, yeah, but okay, can I go?

[Luis J. Gomez]

You have been learning Mandarin.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, he's really good, actually. That was word for word. And then.

[Robert Kelly]

And then she'd be like, yeah, right there. And they'd be like. And the whole place just sit. Everybody's head in. The restaurant goes, what the fuck? Because learning Mandarin is really tough.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. It's crazy. I know. I know. If you say like means I can't speak Chinese. That's all I know.

[Robert Kelly]

What the fuck was that?

[Matt McCusker]

Jungle hua is Chinese language. And I think if you say that means I cannot speak Chinese.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, you're one of those.

[Matt McCusker]

I. I only know. I know, like, one saying from each language.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's always. And it's always, I can't speak this language.

[Robert Kelly]

I know that in Italiano. Moto beni.

[Matt McCusker]

There you go.

[Robert Kelly]

That's all I know.

[Matt McCusker]

So you need.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And I know mortadella, that's cashew meat.

[Robert Kelly]

No, this.

[Matt McCusker]

In Korean is like, hello, sir.

[Robert Kelly]

I know kasayama.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, what's your name?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, see, in.

[Matt McCusker]

In Brazilian Portuguese. I know. Yo vose means I want you.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I know.

[Matt McCusker]

So if you want to go to Brazil and get horny, say el quero vase means I want you.

[Robert Kelly]

I learned. I learned in Brazil. What is it? Genada. Genada?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Does that mean no cash?

[Robert Kelly]

It means thank you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh.

[Matt McCusker]

Obrigado.

[Robert Kelly]

Obrigado means thank you. Genada.

[Luis J. Gomez]

How much for your sister?

[Robert Kelly]

I learned how to draw on her hand. I learned how to draw on her hand. How much money for you?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Dinero. Cho cha. These O's that. Oh.

[Robert Kelly]

I drew in my hand, and she took her hand and erased what I drew with her hand and then wrote something else. I was like, all right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

A Magna Doodle.

[Robert Kelly]

That's 30 bucks American. I'll do it. It's 3,000. You can buy a home for that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Have you been to Brazil?

[Matt McCusker]

I have. I went there when I was 21. I went there a long time ago.

[Robert Kelly]

What part?

[Matt McCusker]

Rio. I went to Rio de Janeiro. I got robbed on the beach.

[Robert Kelly]

You got robbed?

[Matt McCusker]

Nice point.

[Robert Kelly]

It's crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

What'd you have, fucking, like, five bucks?

[Luis J. Gomez]

But your IDs and everything?

[Matt McCusker]

No, they do. They're actually. They were kind of gentlemen, man. I was out all night, and they told me. They're like, dude, do not go on the beach at night or early in the morning. Nope, at night I was like. I get that early in the morning is like, that's the workday.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So I was out all night, and then I walked home along, you know, Rio de Janeiro. The beach is beautiful, man. There's, like, mountains coming out of the ocean, and I'm just, like, looking at the Sun.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Pick a place to get jacked.

[Matt McCusker]

It was kind of nice. And I'm walking along the beach, and I'm like, man, this is beautiful. And as soon as I, like, stopped looking at the sun, I was all drunk. And I like. I look and there's just three young men right there with fishing knives. They had them right against, like, to my stomach. And. And I was. I knew, like, tranquillo. I was like, tranquillo. And then they took. Went through my stuff and took, like, five bucks. But I did have a phrase book. And they, like, flipped that. They were, like, laughing at the phrase book, kind of like seeing what I had. Dog ear and all that. And the.

[Robert Kelly]

Please, no. Please, no.

[Matt McCusker]

How much for this poor young boy?

[Robert Kelly]

I'll blow you. I'll blow you.

[Matt McCusker]

But, yeah, they. And then they took my money. I tried to explain to him, like, dude, take my credit car and just go nuts with this for like an hour, and I'll just call. And I. It was like a language barrier. Then they just let me go. And then a lady. There's a couple fishing 50ft away, and they were like, lucky they didn't stab you. I was like, thanks a lot, man.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You could have came in and helped Americans.

[Matt McCusker]

No, they're just Brazil. Like, an older Brazil.

[Robert Kelly]

When I went there, the people. The hotel people were like, listen, if you go to the beach, the security that works the front every other day, one of. On their day off will work, will go to the beach with their family, and you can hire. We would hire that guy. So he'd be under, like, a palap or like, umbrella with his family, just enjoying the day. But you pay him 15 bucks, and he watches you the whole time. Oh, that's nice. Anybody came near me, he'd be like.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Until somebody else gives him more money. Hey, here's 25 to let me kill him. That sounds like a lot of fun.

[Robert Kelly]

But all the. All the girls came over. They smoked.

[Matt McCusker]

They'll bother you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, they'll get. They.

[Robert Kelly]

But they bother me. And I was like, it's okay. Yeah, yeah. Because they wanted. They. They put. They were putting lotion on me. They were like, you know, buying a puppy.

[Matt McCusker]

And they're aggressive, man.

[Robert Kelly]

They're very aggressive.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I reject Brazil as a bush guy. I'm not going to the place that fosters adult bear vaginas. I won't do it.

[Robert Kelly]

Brazilian.

[Matt McCusker]

That's. That's fair.

[Robert Kelly]

Their legs are hairy. Did you know that? They keep their leg. They don't shave their legs. What they do is they go on the beach in the morning, and they bleach their hair, and then they go in the ocean.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, whoa. I didn't know that.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they bleach their hair blonde, and it kind of goes away.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I won't be a part of that jungle.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, they are coming down from the jungle to make a little money.

[Matt McCusker]

No. I would eat, like, bowls of soup, and you just get accosted by, like, nine.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Professional ladies. I was like, man, these girls are. They're. They're hookers.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

We would stand out at the hotel, and they had. Miya Pataka was the cafe out front. And every morning we go there for breakfast and lunch, and the girls just circle the cafe and they try to catch your eye.

[Matt McCusker]

That's all it takes.

[Robert Kelly]

And if you don't. And that was the hardest thing to do is just keep focus on your friend talking. Cause, you know, this JLO was walking by with areola hanging out.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Treece made it seem, though, like it wasn't even so much that there was tons of working girls. It was that while you're, like, ignoring the working girls, the lady who comes over and, like, pours water at your table, you can go, hey, can I just buy you sexually for the rest of the week? And they'll go, yes. That's what made it seem like.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know. But I do know I didn't go.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Because of the pussy hair thing.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it wasn't. It was. It wasn't. I mean, it was. Here's the thing. You go to the mall and walking around, and I saw a girl at the mall. I was like, oh, she's very pretty.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And then later that night, I saw her at the nightclub Help A. And she was there.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And. Yeah, it's like. But. But here's the thing with prostitution down there. It's not like a. It's not like. It's like, hey, I don't give a shit. They. I do this to make money, to bring back to my family. She has, like, nine kids. Somewhere in the jungle, she's trying to.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Bobby, will you stop talking like you just fucked one? You're trying to make it sound. She's actually a cool girl. She has dreams. Yeah, but she's an artist. She doesn't just do this. Like, she also has. She's like, a poet.

[Robert Kelly]

My Brazilian son is 13, and he is doing well. I gave him a TV. I got. And I got sneakers.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I couldn't keep a soccer ball in the air for seven hours straight.

[Matt McCusker]

I seated Rio. Rio surrounded by, like, poverty. That's like, you don't see anything like that here. It's like Minecraft Christ, right? Big Christ is cool.

[Robert Kelly]

Favela. You know why they do the. The. They don't finish the houses in like these, these kind like Guatemala.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That'll teach them.

[Robert Kelly]

Brazil is because if you, if your house isn't finished, you don't have to pay taxes.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh.

[Robert Kelly]

So they, you know, you'll see like the, the barb coming out and it's like they're building. They were going to build a second level, but they don't. And they'll just use it as like a, like a place to sit out at.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's a. Anyway, so just add an almost addition to the house.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't go in the favelas, but I wanted to go on the favelas really bad.

[Matt McCusker]

I did not.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's the stacked houses, basically.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. And they're like, just up a hill.

[Robert Kelly]

They're beautiful. They are beautiful.

[Matt McCusker]

I had kids, like, grabbing my legs and being like, please help me. It's like they're pretty desperate.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That was.

[Nikki and Bri]

Hey, everyone, it's Nikki and Bri, and we're here to let you know that we have a podcast, the Nicki and Bri Show.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes.

[Nikki and Bri]

And we've got new episodes every Monday and Thursday. We're serving up real deal conversations that go beyond the cameras. Think Motherhood Confessions, Sisterhood vibes, Boss Business energy and TV Life. Tea. Need a laugh? We got you craving inspo. We got inspiration and affirmations on deck. Want a little cry or a big. Heck yes. That's our jam. Whether we're breaking down pop culture sharing, parenting wins or fails, unpacking, personal growth, or just riffing on everyday chaos, nothing is off limits. Plus, we welcome incredible guests, play our favorite games, and do what only sisters can. Keep it 100 while raising a glass together. So pop a bottle, hit play, and come hang with us. Listen to the Nikki and Bri show wherever you get your podcast.

[Robert Kelly]

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[Luis J. Gomez]

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[Matt McCusker]

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[Luis J. Gomez]

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[Matt McCusker]

Apply in [e-mail] depending on certain loan.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Attributes, your business loan may be issued by Ondeck or Celtic. Bank on Deck does not lend in North Dakota.

[Matt McCusker]

All loans and amounts subject to lender approval.

[Nikki and Bri]

Try angel stuff for your tushy. It's made by Angels soft and strong. Budget friendly. The choice is simple. A role that feels like paradise and always at a heavenly prize.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Luis J. Gomez]

Soft and strong. So it's simple.

[Nikki and Bri]

Pick up a pack today. Angel soft.

[Matt McCusker]

Soft and strong.

[Luis J. Gomez]

So you guys had the bail. That's a great story.

[Robert Kelly]

When he went there, he, he loved the attention from the kids. So he would have money on him all day. So he would come out and just give all these kids money so he could be the superstar of Brazil. Not knowing that these kids, they're gonna go tell somebody.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

If their job is, hey, watch that fat. And when he pulls his money out, see how much money he's got when he pulls it out. And when he comes in and out, let us know so that we can, we can get, we can get fishing knives and stick it to his gut.

[Matt McCusker]

At some point did he get robbed out there at all?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, one night he actually was like.

[Luis J. Gomez]

A hot dog place or something, right. We started buying stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, we were out front of the club.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Help.

[Robert Kelly]

They had a cafe of these cafes up front. And it's like the best food ever too. It's like chicken, rice, bean. It's like awesome. And we're eating and the kids came over, but Patrice, you know, shoot him or get the fuck out. Did something like that piss the kid off? Hurt his feelings? He went immediately to this, this Brazilian guy with no shirt. I mean, just abs from just doing pull ups and push ups. You know that type of build, like hungry abs. Oh God. And I remember we, we had two blocks back to the hotel. It was the scariest walk of my life. Cuz you just heard this guy Fat the. And he was walking behind us.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You still understood Fat the mother.

[Robert Kelly]

I threw that in Patrice. I was like translated, just walk faster. He was, he was just. I never saw Patrice scared in my life like that. He was terrified because he was like, he kept going like this fuck.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Fuck.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I can't run. You know, the. But the one I'm talking about was somebody who was like, you guys went somewhere to eat? Just it was like an afternoon thing. And he pulled out, like, money to get the kids. Like, he bought them all, like, hot dogs or something. And he thought he was being nice. And he said, whoever, like, their guide was, he said, came over to me. He was like, we gotta go right now. We have to go. And he's like. And they're kind of like, why? He's like, because those kids just go tell somebody there's a guy with money.

[Robert Kelly]

So the second time we went, we hired a guy who was pretty much like. Like FBI in Brazil. Like, he could walk us right through customs.

[Luis J. Gomez]

FBI. That's cool.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, that. That type of guy. He was like that. Whatever that is in Brazil. He was in the government. We gave him money to watch over us. And then we hired a guy from the favelas to watch him, to watch us at night. So we had two guys with us, but because it was a guy from Dell, a guy who I know started Dell, then sold his. And he was just. He went down to Brazil just to be a king. He was like this nerdy Asian guy. And so he kind of had these guys with him. We had. We gave him money too. But yeah, he came over. That guy came over to. Patrice is like, we gotta go right now. Because those kids ran around the corner. You can't go off the main block. And you should cab it everywhere. And you should never go on the beach early in the morning, at night, and you should never. They say, never get drunk and walk around.

[Matt McCusker]

That's all I did there. That's all I did. And I only got robbed once, so it's pretty good. But yeah, it's not even just prostitutes. There's like women there that are like. They see you're American, they're like, this is. I could get a boyfriend and go to America. Yeah, they're.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They're very out of here.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If, like, if they liked you, they'd come up to you. Yeah, yeah, it was pretty nice.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I always. I almost felt that way in Venezuela, but then they watched my comedy and nobody wanted to come back to America with me. I did not do well.

[Robert Kelly]

You went to Venezuela.

[Luis J. Gomez]

If it was a one night gig.

[Robert Kelly]

And they're giving people for going to Saudi Arabia. Oh, my God. It's a socialist country.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, well, I went there.

[Robert Kelly]

It was right around Carnival. It was a little political joke. Sorry, sorry. Ben. Fan to the old bonfire. I didn't mean to throw that in.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't know politics.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't either. I just know that one thing. Yeah, I have one.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The women were so beautiful. It was one of those. It was a black circuit show. So they were like, stop the music. Everyone stop grinding on each other during carnival. We're doing a comedy show now. And it was like a local guy opening for me. I don't even know why. I was like, the main. It was just a bad idea. And the local guy murdered, of course, with a bunch of local stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

He kept playing that after every joke.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It was the booty. It was a nightclub. The talking level in the place was still of that of a nightclub. Jesus. And I went up and ate shit for 30 minutes. Then I went back to my hotel room and got robbed by a prostitute. I wanted that girl to get out of the room before I said that.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that your tennis coach? Why is your publisher traveling with your dentist coach?

[Matt McCusker]

Why does she put it on my back end?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Why is she dressing like she's just gonna Serving one love?

[Luis J. Gomez]

That would be a great rumor to start about Matt McCusker. You know, this guy's gone big time. He's traveling with a tennis coach now. Whatever Christie has, he's just traveling with that person.

[Matt McCusker]

I was trying.

[Luis J. Gomez]

My photography guy teaches me photography.

[Matt McCusker]

I always tell my wife that. I was like. I was. I was reading somebody's memoir, and he talked about how he would, like, bring his side piece to work functions. And I was trying to tell my wife. I'm like, it is cool that he did that. She's like, it's not cool at all. I'm like, it's kind of ballsy.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Kills it.

[Robert Kelly]

I was watching the Sopranos last night, and Tony was like, yeah, back in the day, you had your goomah. You went with your goomah on Friday, and you went with your wife on Saturday. And he went, well, vice versa.

[Matt McCusker]

Are you familiar with the passport bro thing?

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's not.

[Matt McCusker]

There's a big movement online of guys, young men, who are, like, not having, I guess, luck in America, and they go down to, like, Cuba and all these places, and they're, like, making viral tick tocks, being like, look how hot these chicks are. We're hanging out with.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You meet a girl, and the idea is to bring her back.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I don't. Some of them stay down there, dude, and they just kind of like, well, I guess, you know, we'll see in five years. But, like, yeah, like, they. I was Watching the thing.

[Robert Kelly]

What the. Oh, I thought your publicist changed.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The idea is just to go down.

[Robert Kelly]

She heard us make fun of her outfit and she came back and with another outfit. I have other stuff. I can look professional.

[Matt McCusker]

No, they. Whatchamacallit.

[Nikki and Bri]

They.

[Matt McCusker]

They go down there and they make like vines being like, pay me a thousand bucks. Or not vines, but whatever. Tick tocks. Like, pay me a thousand bucks and I'll teach you. What.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They're all down there on Friendster.

[Robert Kelly]

They make six second videos on Atari, on Twitch.

[Matt McCusker]

And. No. They do a whole thing where, like, I can show you how to pick up women, but they're just in Cuba, like, with an IT job making 80 grand a year and just lording over very poor women.

[Robert Kelly]

Cuba was weird. Like, when we and Ari went down there, we saw. We didn't. I didn't see as much of you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Were the prostitutes down there. You were the prostitutes.

[Robert Kelly]

I love your dramatism. Is that a word?

[Luis J. Gomez]

You.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that a word? Were the prostitutes dramatism?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Two men being taken against their will to the songs of pit.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God. But there was no.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's.

[Robert Kelly]

They.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They.

[Robert Kelly]

Prostitution was okay down there, but then the government found out that they. They were making so much money on prostitution, American dollars, that they weren't getting it. So now it's elite. You'll get arrested and you go away for 10 years. And there was this fucking jerk vlog guy who travels the world. I think he's a German dude. And he went down to Cuba and he. This dickhead. So when you go to Cuba, you gotta go to somebody's house. You kind of. You don't go to the bank to do your money because you'll get ripped off. So you'll do it with people, like locals, and they'll get you a better rate, right? And that's illegal. You know, buying cigars instead, not at the place is illegal and prostitution illegal. So this guy went, got his money exchanged, filmed it. Filmed the guy, filmed him talking to girls. These girls came up, he's like, those are prostitutes. I can hang out with them later. And then he went to the cigar place, got, you know, cigars. The government saw the video. All those people got arrested and doing 10 years in prison.

[Matt McCusker]

What a dick.

[Robert Kelly]

They're all. He can't go back to Cuba. The they people hate him for doing that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, what an.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it was weird. Like, prostitution wasn't as big. I thought there'd be a ton of chicks down there. There was not. There was like two chicks that walked up. It might have Been walking with that.

[Matt McCusker]

Fiend shirtless, risking 10 years of Cuban jail.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And they don't around.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No prostitutes walking up to Ari with his shirt off. Walk. Walking through a jungle. That's not the person. Especially that time. That's when he had the beard and the hair all crazy. They just found him in a. Well.

[Matt McCusker]

That'S. That's an upside. If the economy tanks hard enough, it'll be kind of like popping prostitution wise here. Maybe we'll be like a sexy prostitute country.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Did you say the. Didn't you say. Is the mayor. It's trying to make it legal here.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. The new mayor wants. Is going to make prostitution tolerable. Whatever it is, like legal.

[Matt McCusker]

It already is though, kind of.

[Robert Kelly]

No, you get fucking snapped. Not that I know, but.

[Matt McCusker]

They'Ll take your Honda Accord.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I don't see the crackdown on prostitution. I used to watch all the prostitution crackdown videos, but now it's always a pedophile crackdowns. Everyone's a pedophile.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, girls, girls.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Turns out once you realize the Internet came around, wasn't just paying for. You could pay for the youngest of.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, the. The.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The.

[Robert Kelly]

You can do it on your. Oh, it's all right.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's usually me you were so excited to point out. It wasn't you.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God damn it. Thank God.

[Matt McCusker]

How about when you go to a hotel and they're like, how many keys do you want? And you're like, I wish I had hooker. Just one. Honestly.

[Robert Kelly]

I say seven. I say seven. I'm gonna do a bottom party in my room later on. Grindr.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Wait a second. Upon asking it, I always say two.

[Matt McCusker]

Do you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Do they think I want one for a prostitute?

[Matt McCusker]

That's what I assume it's for. Like a guest. But I'm always like one.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I get two in case. I always assume I'm gonna leave one in the pocket or something and fucking.

[Matt McCusker]

I go one. And write that down for the record. One key.

[Luis J. Gomez]

No prostitutes, please.

[Robert Kelly]

I say two, because I'm definitely gonna lose one. And I always take a picture of my room outside because I'm an old fuck and I always wind up on the floor going, where am I? I have to go back out.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Here's the problem, Bobby. I told you about this. Christine just brought up Eros.com, which is the. That's when you're gonna be paying for a girl who works in the industry or something. I don't get prostitutes, but I have in my life. I'm not saying it, but I'm saying I've just passed the. To me. I have too much. It's not an ego thing. It's too insecure. To the I'm the guy. When she comes over, I go, this girl would only do this if I gave her money. Do you know what I mean? I feel that. So I'm like, I hate that in that voice. Yeah. Basically.

[Robert Kelly]

With a little hat with a spinny thing on the top. She only sucks my ding ding because I gave her money.

[Luis J. Gomez]

But a very fun thing to do.

[Robert Kelly]

That's why I take my balls and let them drop into my asshole.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Why would you say that in front of guests?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm sorry. I forgot he wasn't here. He doesn't do that as you're squeezing.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The tennis girl's here. Becky, the tennis girl came back.

[Matt McCusker]

How did she get back in?

[Robert Kelly]

She saw fast.

[Matt McCusker]

Do you say that while you're squeezing them as hard as you can?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm sorry, Jay. I'm sorry.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Remember I showed you a long time ago if not arrow. So this is like the. I mean, what they believe to be high end, expensive prostitutes.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a guy type.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Type in. Type in. I just went, ooh, where's the place I'm going Columbus. Type in. Columbus, Ohio Escorts. This is so funny. In the Google search I know there's nothing. I don't know the name. It's. It's like a list crawler or something. Whatever it gives you. It's like local. It's like local. Like last minute. Like, it's so funny. I mean, almost every city's got multiple midgets who will come.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Really.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's just they're almost all. Yeah. The Escort Alligator.

[Robert Kelly]

I wonder if my wife would let me Columbus, Ohio bucket list before you know Midgets.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Fair thickness and wet. That's not attractive.

[Robert Kelly]

What is not? Fitness and wet.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Not for me. If you dare. Says this girl.

[Matt McCusker]

Whoa.

[Luis J. Gomez]

There you go. She's 49.

[Robert Kelly]

I know her. She worked. Did she work at the comedy club?

[Luis J. Gomez]

This. I find this a very. When I'm out of Candy Crush lives. I'm telling you, while I'm watching shit on, like watching YouTube clips of a matter of crazy. I will thumb through these. It's so funny, it's hilarious.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't thumb through that stuff. I will legitimately drain my bank account.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Here's not only. Not only would I not do it anyway. Take the moral stance out of it or the insecurity out of it. I don't even understand the pro now. It's like I don't know how to Venmo Friends, money, let alone a prostitute. And I certainly some of them things say it's like accepts a gift card.

[Robert Kelly]

Like, what wasn't it? I think it was.

[Matt McCusker]

I know that the gift card is probably so if you're married. Because my wife has my finances completely pegged, so that's a good idea. I never thought about that. You can buy a gift card and give them gift cards. So you're like, you can't do that.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't do the Venmo. I think it was Lewis. Somebody did Venmo and he was like, I don't know how to do this. And she took the phone and just did like $5,000 and sent it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Brilliant.

[Robert Kelly]

And she. Here, go ahead. And he was like, what? That is pretty brilliant.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, is that a midget? Fun. Petite sized playmaker, 4 foot 10 spinner. Technically not a midget.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Luis J. Gomez]

What?

[Matt McCusker]

No. Well, legal Midge is three, seven, I think.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, she has midgety face.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

She has midgety butt.

[Luis J. Gomez]

She has midgety ass.

[Matt McCusker]

This seems where the kids could be.

[Robert Kelly]

She has midgety tendencies.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Oh, she's in a locker room. That's not. Ooh, she has.

[Robert Kelly]

She's got big pancake nipples. I like those.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Those are like the areolas. Those areoles. Look at the eyes of the teacher in Pink Floyd's the Wall. Christine, bring up that girl's tits. In Pink Floyd's the Wall I And the teacher from Pink Floyd's the Wall, please.

[Robert Kelly]

I would. Have you ever. Has anybody been with a little person?

[Matt McCusker]

Come on. No, I'm sorry.

[Robert Kelly]

Midget?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, you have to specify.

[Robert Kelly]

He got mad because I got politically correct.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Excuse me. When I was on Mayhem Fest, they had three midgets doing the Oompa Loompas, like, routine between one of the acts. And one of them was two guys and a girl. A tiny little black midget. And she was like. She was adorable and sweet and she was telling me at one of the after parties that she was a stripper also. And I was like, really? And she goes, yeah, I'll show you some time. And I was like, I think she's hitting on me. Then she came on the bus, she goes, while we're at one of these things, she goes, you wanted me to give you a lap dance now? And I was like, oh, yeah, sure. We went on a bus and I was like, I think I'm gonna fucking midget. And then she climbed me.

[Robert Kelly]

Did she bring her own stool?

[Luis J. Gomez]

No, no, I was sitting and she climbed up me and did all kinds of weird midgety things on me.

[Matt McCusker]

Be funny if she had like a.

[Robert Kelly]

Flip out stool, snapped it on the ground and jumped on top of it.

[Matt McCusker]

Like a two step snack cabinet. That's exactly what I was talking about.

[Robert Kelly]

I have that one.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's what reals look like.

[Matt McCusker]

Whoa.

[Luis J. Gomez]

His eyes. It was a deep reference, but brave one. Got to it though. Got to it eventually.

[Matt McCusker]

So what happened with the m. She.

[Robert Kelly]

Jumped up on your lap.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yes. And then like, you know, scaled you. She did like a handstand, like, you know, right on my lap with her little button snooch in my face. And I was like, this is going crazy. And then she was like, so that's pretty much it. She goes, I gotta go. And then she just darted off the bus. And I was like, oh. She just really was showing me her strip routine.

[Robert Kelly]

They have to make the chocolate. Yeah, they can't strip all night. Someone has to get that chocolate.

[Luis J. Gomez]

They'll kill me if I'm not back at the factory.

[Robert Kelly]

That's crazy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And then she got on one of those bicycles that flies.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought she was gonna be like, that's gonna be 120 bucks now. I thought she's gonna hit you with like the strip club.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Probably could have got me. Me. Probably could have got me for that. But no, but I went in there completely going. And that's the worst feeling. I've got several stories like this too, where you get the mistake. Talk about why I probably have insecurity where I'm like, all right, let me do this girl a favor. And then she's like, excuse me, I don't have any interest in that. I go, yeah, no, I know, I'm an idiot.

[Matt McCusker]

That's so funny.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The person that I was like, yeah, I guess I'm coming off my perch.

[Robert Kelly]

I've done that with my wife. I'm like, come on, let's go. She's like, I'm good. I want nothing to do with you. I made chili. Go help yourself.

[Matt McCusker]

I was. I was at a bachelor party when I was like a long time ago.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And before the statute of limitations.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, well, yeah, this was like a long, long time ago. And, you know, I was like early 20s and I didn't have any money. So like, they flew. They're like. My friends were like, we'll just pay you. Come out here. So we're all. It was like nine guys in a hotel room. I'm sleeping on the floor. And for the groom, it was like. My two brothers were like, we're gonna Call. Because, you know, they hand the baseball cards, the hooker cards out in Las Vegas. It's like, we're gonna call the groom a hooker. Because it just said, like, 50 bucks. And they're like, we got that. And on the way over there, there was, like, a hot tub in the room. And my one brother, after he called, got in the hot tub and, like, took his shirt off. My other brother's like, why are you trying to get sexy for the hookers, dude? What are you doing? He's like, they're not even for you. And then they came and, like, it's actually gonna be, like, 400. And they had to be like, yeah, we don't have that. We have 60 bucks. Like, give us that 60. And they just, like, woke the guy up, and we're like, get up. And then they left. That's what they did. They. They woke a guy up from a.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Nap for 60 bucks.

[Matt McCusker]

60 bucks. And he fully dressed. Yeah, I was just sleeping on the floor.

[Robert Kelly]

Your brother danced.

[Matt McCusker]

My brother jerked him off.

[Robert Kelly]

So you. You shot this special? Is this. Is there a theme? Is just. Is it just jokes, or is there. I saw the beginning. You did some stuff with your wife that was pretty funny.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's awesome. The trailer.

[Matt McCusker]

The pov.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, the POV was pretty funny.

[Matt McCusker]

I did, like, a long intro on it, so. There's a long intro. But, yeah, it was. It was really just like. It was mostly just jokes. It was like, the first time I got to write, like, a whole hour. The first special was just, like, all my old stuff, just, like, random shit just compiled together this. I got to actually, like, come up with the whole hour, but I didn't really. I don't think there's, like. I didn't, like, set out to do a theme. I, like, tried to at first, and it didn't work. And it just kind of became, like, a lot of family stuff, a lot of, like, how to have sex with your wife.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna watch. I'm gonna watch.

[Matt McCusker]

Jay. Yeah, that's a tr. It's a challenge.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait till she goes to sleep.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You guys both reject each other. I guess I'll use I don't want to fuck you. I didn't really want to fuck you. See tomorrow.

[Robert Kelly]

How do you get to snob snoring while you. Her.

[Matt McCusker]

How do you get to stop snoring?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Pillow over the face.

[Matt McCusker]

They sell those nose strips for women for that. Now you can, like, open up the airways so you don't have to listen to them snow.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe I'll put a mouth strip on her and a reverse nose strip and we'll solve the problem. And I'll be able to.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Midgets in Brazil completely block Brazilian. The most forbidden fruit.

[Robert Kelly]

Because they fight back.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you do. Who directed it?

[Matt McCusker]

Tyler Falbo from Friday Beers.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Matt McCusker]

So, yeah, he's the man. He's really. He was so. He was awesome to work with.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Super helpful time. Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Are you loving the moon? I know you're not in Philly now. You've been in Austin for a while. You love it down there.

[Matt McCusker]

I do. I like it, man. I like the. I just, it's just, I don't know, the weather's nice and it's like, for kids. Like, my kids like it and it's like I live in like, a little, like, it looks like the suburbs, but I'm like 10 minutes from the city, so I like it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you in the Rogan verse?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I think so. I don't know. I think so. I hope so.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I hope so, buddy.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Butterly's out there too. He's got kids. Same thing. Yeah. It's absolutely great.

[Robert Kelly]

I would love, I would love to. I, I, I hate it here. The only reason, the only this show is the only reason why I would stay here. If I didn't have this show, I would move to another state. 100.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, new York's. I like New York. I like to visit and stuff, but it's too much, man.

[Robert Kelly]

There's so much money to. It's like, I look, I love Manhattan, but it's like I've, I've. I don't know, I ride the subway. I'm 50 something and I'm terrified. I'm like always ready to. I'm like, stab quick, like in the prison, dude. And I'm like practicing stabbing people every day in my head.

[Luis J. Gomez]

He's accidentally killed three. Just passengers.

[Matt McCusker]

No, but I was in.

[Luis J. Gomez]

I left, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

I left Philly. And that was a tremendous source of, like, relief when I could like, park my car and not be like, looking around, like, is there anyone coming?

[Robert Kelly]

Me and my wife walk our son to the bus stop every morning now. And we're. Then we take this stroll through the neighborhood with the dog. And then we go down to the town, into the coffee shop.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Anything to not fuck, we say. Really, just anything you can imagine not to fuck each other.

[Robert Kelly]

We say hi to 50 people.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Every people driving by, we don't know, wave. It's like this beautiful thing. And then I jump in a car and I Come here. And I'm just hiding my watch. I'm just like, ready. I got a knife in my pocket.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Walk across the street. You.

[Robert Kelly]

Last night, driving home, as soon as I get in the car, go, what the. This town, it's just this anger.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And I used to love that. I used to thrive on that. But now it's like, I can't have a car. I can't have this happy life.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

When I had just that, it was fine. But now I have this tranquil life. And then I come in here and I turn to this savage. And then I come home and I hit dawn. Yeah.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It's like, I'm sorry.

[Robert Kelly]

That was not for you.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That was for New York.

[Robert Kelly]

That was for New York.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You just took New York's beaten.

[Robert Kelly]

Took that hooker who took money off me.

[Matt McCusker]

But no, there's a. There is a lot of like, just kind of like, you know, tension around, like, stand up cities. And it's like, it literally doesn't matter if you can get up and do stand up and then go home and like, your house is chill.

[Luis J. Gomez]

It doesn't matter.

[Matt McCusker]

It's all I give a about. Yeah, exactly. People like, is it really. Is it blah, blah, blah. It's like, dude, I literally go do stand up and go home.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The Austin club's a scene. Well, I'm saying it's. It's the mothership.

[Matt McCusker]

And yeah, you can do mothership.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Other clubs, though. But it says there's other clubs. Like any other city that has some.

[Matt McCusker]

You can do like three spots in front of an audience. That's kind of. It's not like the same In Philly. I'd have to do like a showcase that I promoted. It would just be my own podcast fans coming out. And then you're like, you can't only do that so much. Before I literally push it to the limit, I kept doing these like, new material showcases.

[Luis J. Gomez]

The only cities who have that are now though, I think essentially eventually New York, LA and Austin.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. So you can get it done.

[Robert Kelly]

But, you know, so you have other stuff at Stand up and you have other stuff from the beginning of it. Right. Like a short. What's in the.

[Matt McCusker]

I did some animated stuff, so I did some animations. I'm really trying to just write books eventually and just kind of disappear.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, me too.

[Matt McCusker]

That's my goal.

[Robert Kelly]

Jay, one second. Me too. Yeah, I'm trying to get back to books. Really? Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Reading or writing?

[Luis J. Gomez]

We're hoping.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't read.

[Luis J. Gomez]

We're hoping. We're hoping. Luis J. Gomez's book does well. So he leaves our lives.

[Robert Kelly]

We're hoping his coffee and everything makes him a gazillionaire. So he is off to where does he go?

[Luis J. Gomez]

Potty break. Coffee, everybody. Go live in Jamaica forever, you wacko. Yeah, buy an island by an island. Johnny Depp let girl on your bed. The special, a humble offering premieres on Netflix this Tuesday. Coming up October 7th. And a mass gonna be of course, the Helium Comedy club in Buffalo, October 17th and 18th. After that, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Naples, Florida. Coming up, Madison, Wisconsin. All great clubs. For tickets and all their tour dates, visit matt mccusker.com Matt, thanks so much for hanging out with us.

[Matt McCusker]

Thank you guys, man, appreciate it.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Good luck with everything and we'll see you next time. Oh yeah. If you guys want to come one last time, everybody, if you want to come on Monday the 6th, 2:30pm to watch us with Marcus King here in the fishbowl at SiriusXM. All you gotta do is sign up for a [e-mail] podcasts month.

[Robert Kelly]

One more time.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Podcast month. Podcast smonth. Oh, that sucks. Ah, live Robert Kelly for all his dates. I'm in Portland this weekend. Portland, Oregon. Not Portland, Maine, where Bobby's doing his lifelong residency.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm going to my tiny house this weekend.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Enjoy.

[Robert Kelly]

If you're in New Hampshire, come by.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Your tiny house lets anybody come.

[Robert Kelly]

I do.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Psycho.

[Robert Kelly]

I did.

[Luis J. Gomez]

That's crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

We can't talk about your batshit.

[Luis J. Gomez]

Yeah, because Guy's going to kill you still.

[Matt McCusker]

Stop.

[Luis J. Gomez]

You gave a lunatic your eyes. Relax. Stop. He knows. He knows. Enjoy the pre record tomorrow. We'll catch you guys back again live Monday with an Eagles win, I'm sure. Until then, Crackle crackle. Hataday presents. In the red corner, the undisputed, undefeated weed whacker Guy. Champion of hurling grass and pollen everywhere. And in the blue corner, the challenger, extra strength Hanaday eye drops and work all day to prevent the release of histamines that cause itchy allergy eyes. And the winner by knockout is Hataday Hataday. Bring it on.

[Nikki and Bri]

I see a great change for you in the next five years. You sure? Cause I just got a five year price guarantee for talk text and data in Metro. Only $25 guaranteed. Is that even possible? Metro did. The stars must be aligning. They are.

[Matt McCusker]

That's why one line with all the.

[Nikki and Bri]

5G data is only $25 with autopay. Well, I see a great change in my future. Only at Metro. It's $30 your first month or without auto pay.

[Luis J. Gomez]

And you need to activate online price guarantee exclusions apply.

[Nikki and Bri]

CSIP for details.