Roughhousing with Colin Quinn

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Roughhousing with Colin Quinn" | The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly

Introduction In the February 21, 2025 episode of The Bonfire on SiriusXM’s Faction Talk, host Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly engage in a lively and humorous discussion centered around their tumultuous relationships and alleged physical altercations, particularly involving comedian Colin Quinn. The episode delves deep into past conflicts, the nature of their friendships, and the exaggerated tales of roughhousing that define their interactions.

Past Altercations and Fighting Stories The conversation kicks off with Robert Kelly expressing his disdain for certain behaviors, segueing into recounting various fights with both Jay and Colin Quinn. At [01:01], Robert states, "Look, a school bully. That's what they used to do to me in school," setting the stage for tales of their combative past.

Robert narrates specific instances where physical confrontations occurred:

• Fight with Reggie Johnson: At [02:03], Robert shares, "When I knew him since second grade, that was the last time I won in a fight against him was in second grade." This story highlights the enduring tension between them, with Robert asserting he "beat him in second grade" only to have Reggie escalate the conflict later in life.

• Hotel Room Brawl: At [16:03], Robert talks about a fight in a hotel room with Mike Cannon, mistakenly believing him to be a wrestler. "I grabbed him and threw him onto his luggage," Robert recalls, emphasizing the absurdity and spontaneity of their fights.

• Central Park Confrontation: Later, at [46:38], Robert describes being chased with a hatchet in Central Park. "Did I throw a rock and hit your knee in front of Comedy Central?" he asks Jay, underscoring the intensity and confusion of their encounters.

Colin Quinn's Role in the Conflict A significant portion of the episode revolves around Robert’s fraught relationship with Colin Quinn. Robert accuses Colin of aggressive behavior, often initiating fights:

• Aggressive Initiations: At [22:32], Robert claims, "He took a hatchet out and starts chasing me around his apartment," painting Colin as a relentless antagonist.

• Physical Encounters: At [28:03], Robert details a confrontation where Colin punched him, stating, "He literally just kicks me in the gut as hard as he could."

Jay counters these narratives with skepticism, questioning the validity and frequency of such altercations. For example, at [05:08], Jay challenges, "Were you making like a finger? Were you making like a swastika?" in response to Robert describing a friend’s hostile gestures.

Nature of Their Friendship Throughout the episode, the hosts oscillate between camaraderie and rivalry. Robert expresses a complex blend of affection and frustration:

• Affection Amidst Conflict: At [52:40], Robert says, "Listen, I love you guys," suggesting that despite the physical confrontations, there remains an underlying bond.

• Jay’s Perspective: Jay teases Robert about his aggressive stories, asserting, "You guys are crazy," and emphasizing the humorous exaggeration in their tales.

Humorous Banter and Exaggerations The dialogue is peppered with sarcasm, playful insults, and exaggerated claims, making the conversation entertaining. Notable moments include:

• Exaggerated Claims: Robert’s assertion that he has "beat out of" various individuals contrasts with Jay's mock disbelief. At [25:31], Robert declares, "He really beat the out of me," while Jay retorts, "You said he had... that's why he said he had you pinned down."

• Mock Accusations: Jay humorously threatens, "I'll tell you what's happening now. He's trying... to fight me," blending mock-seriousness with comedy.

Conclusion The episode concludes with both hosts acknowledging the absurdity of their stories while maintaining their humorous dynamic. Jay summarizes, "We both two people in this environment," hinting at the blend of reality and exaggeration that characterizes their relationships.

Notable Quotes

• Robert Kelly [01:01]: "Look, a school bully. That's what they used to do to me in school."
• Colin Quinn [19:29]: "Here's the thing. Here's the thing."
• Jay Oakerson [28:26]: "I'm blown away. I think you're a tough guy."
• Robert Kelly [46:38]: "It was a rock face."
• Jay Oakerson [33:42]: "Show me the size of the rock."

Key Takeaways

• Exaggeration for Humor: The hosts use exaggerated stories of fighting to create a humorous and engaging narrative, blurring the lines between reality and fiction for comedic effect.

• Complex Friendships: Despite the portrayals of hostility, the interactions hint at deep-seated friendships that can withstand playful (and exaggerated) conflicts.

• Colin Quinn's Portrayal: Colin Quinn is depicted as a contentious figure who both instigates and is involved in the humorous altercations, adding another layer to the dynamic between the hosts.

Final Thoughts "Roughhousing with Colin Quinn" is a testament to Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly's ability to craft entertaining narratives through banter and storytelling. The episode highlights their chemistry and mutual understanding of comedic timing, making it a memorable installment for listeners of The Bonfire.

Transcript

[Big J Okerson]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

When you find out the reason why people don't eat pork. It is disgusting. Like a pig eats its own. Eats other animals.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

When I worked on the farm.

[Jay Oakerson]

Kiss your dog.

[Robert Kelly]

They used to eat.

[Jay Oakerson]

They eat their own also.

[Robert Kelly]

My dog does not eat.

[Jay Oakerson]

It has.

[Robert Kelly]

She does not.

[Jay Oakerson]

Your dog's bit before.

[Robert Kelly]

He does not. How dare you? How dare you put doodles in that category? She is not a eater.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yep.

[Robert Kelly]

No, she's not.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll tell you what she puts her nose another dog.

[Robert Kelly]

That dog over your house. Yeah. That's a eater.

[Jay Oakerson]

What? My dog?

[Robert Kelly]

No, your dog's fine. The other one, Lekka. Lekka's a leca.

[Jay Oakerson]

Doesn't need.

[Robert Kelly]

She. Everything. She licked everything in that house.

[Jay Oakerson]

She eats the hors d'oeuvres she did eat orators. Well, she didn't eat them so much as she's licked. Lay her tongue right across the entire top of them. Oh, don't worry. I ate one still. Oh. Oh, it makes me nauseous thinking about it. What have I done? Yeah, what have I done?

[Colin Quinn]

Look, a school bully. That's what they used to do to me in school.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Yeah. Josh, your dog wet willy me.

[Robert Kelly]

They used to make you lick peppers in school.

[Colin Quinn]

No, no, no.

[Jay Oakerson]

They would. They would lick his peppers.

[Robert Kelly]

You got your peppers licked.

[Colin Quinn]

Take my drink, backwash it.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, did they? That's real. That's sad.

[Jay Oakerson]

Reggie Johnson, who's dead now or in jail.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah. He would just take a sip and then back in. Reggie Johnson.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's in jail.

[Colin Quinn]

No, he's. He died.

[Jay Oakerson]

He died dead.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you kill him with a BB gun?

[Colin Quinn]

I did not.

[Jay Oakerson]

You prayed for it, though, right?

[Colin Quinn]

I didn't pray for. I got over my anger towards Reggie.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why? You realize it was not his fault because he just had a big dick and was supreme athlete.

[Colin Quinn]

He was. Yeah, that was it. That's true about him. From what I'm told, he was a great athlete.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why is it you forgave him?

[Colin Quinn]

Well, I found that he had a really rough life, so then he did end up in prison, from what I'm told.

[Robert Kelly]

So what? All the stuff he did to you was him lashing out because what was done to him?

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah. When I knew him since second grade, that was the last time I won in a fight against him was in second grade. And then he was terrifying until graduation.

[Jay Oakerson]

You beat him in second grade? Yeah, that was the last, theoretically, Whatever the record is, you're like 17 and one against this guy. You still got that one that's gonna haunt him forever.

[Colin Quinn]

I don't. I think he got over it real quick.

[Jay Oakerson]

I heard it's what made him kill himself.

[Colin Quinn]

He beat up everyone.

[Jay Oakerson]

Damn.

[Robert Kelly]

Did he become like a big guy?

[Colin Quinn]

He was jacked.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacked.

[Colin Quinn]

But his brother would. Would kill you if you beat it. If you beat Reggie up.

[Robert Kelly]

So it was a lose, lose situation.

[Colin Quinn]

Lose, lose. One time. I think one of high school, like a football.

[Jay Oakerson]

What's his brother? What's his brother's name? Because I say now that we know Reggie's dead, I say we call the brother out.

[Colin Quinn]

No, I think he passed too.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. So, Jacob, you win, buddy. You're on top of Mount Reggie.

[Robert Kelly]

Is there a parent we can kick the out of? Is there a mom or an aunt we can just go beat up?

[Jay Oakerson]

Do you think he had any kids that we could kick the out of Them?

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah, he didn't turn like he. He was fine.

[Jay Oakerson]

How about this? Let's find out his. His orphan children. Let's adopt them and let's raise them to be bad people. Like, we'll. We'll crush them too.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Colin Quinn]

It's so long ago. He passed a while ago.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, maybe we can old boy it though. Okay. Maybe we find his estranged children from different mothers and we trick them into each other.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then we tell them like, oh, you guys are brother. Then we show up the DNA tests.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Colin Quinn]

I mean, it's a. It's a possibility.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay. All right. So this is why we brainstorm. This is why we brainstorm, so we can find these ideas.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that'd be fun. To make his kids fuck each other.

[Jay Oakerson]

Make his kids. Make his kids fuck each other. They want to.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

They're so attracted to each other. We make them fall in love.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then. And then right when they. When they're consummated. I mean. But we're going to wait a few months where they get into it, where they're trying different stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

We should actually force them. Like an impromptu marriage where they're getting. They're getting married right? When they go, I do, and they start making out. Then we let them know it's your brother.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. No, wait. We should encourage them to move quickly and have children. And then once she's pregnant, past abortion times.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Jay Oakerson]

Then we drop the hammer on them.

[Robert Kelly]

Why don't we just wait till the baby comes out and it has like a hair lip or some weird disease? Because it's. They inbred. Oh, yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why does my baby have Biggie Smalls? Eyes. Oh, it's because you guys are directly related. Yeah, and then we'll do that, and then you. And then we'll go piss on Reggie's grave.

[Robert Kelly]

Now then you take a sip of whatever they're drinking.

[Jay Oakerson]

You spit back in and spit back into it. Drink it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Make them drink it.

[Colin Quinn]

Now you get. Now you get it back.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now you get it. Hey, tell your father when you see him in hell. Jacob did this to you?

[Colin Quinn]

Reggie, he was cool until high school. Then I think he got into drugs. And then I was told out of nowhere, when he walks by, keep your hands behind your back, because if he sees your hands, he's going to think you. You want to fight.

[Jay Oakerson]

Was he. Was he. Was he a gator?

[Colin Quinn]

I don't know what that is.

[Jay Oakerson]

An alligator. I don't understand what you're saying. Doesn't sound like a human being trait. You're saying. Yeah, if you lower your head, he will take that as aggression.

[Colin Quinn]

I mean, I didn't believe it myself one time, Jay, and then I paid the price because he went.

[Robert Kelly]

You had your hands out.

[Jay Oakerson]

Saw your hands.

[Colin Quinn]

My hands out. Because, you know, not being aggressive, just putting. Having hands like a person.

[Robert Kelly]

How are your hands out there? They were in front of you or on the side of you, Bobby.

[Colin Quinn]

Like that, down at my side.

[Robert Kelly]

Where were you supposed to put your hands when. When he came?

[Jay Oakerson]

Were you making like a finger? Were you making like a finger? Swastika or something? Were you making a swastika? Go fingers. I don't know how to do it. But were you.

[Colin Quinn]

You have to put your hands behind your back like this.

[Jay Oakerson]

But when you didn't. What were your hands doing? Bobby's asking. It's a good question. Were you given like this? Were you giving like a. You loose.

[Colin Quinn]

And I. I want. No, no problems.

[Jay Oakerson]

Loose, though. Arms out the way you just did. Because I'm telling you, coming at me sideways with those arms wide like that. And Jacob, I'm thinking I'm going to spit in your fucking drink.

[Robert Kelly]

I want to smack you from here.

[Colin Quinn]

My lats are popping a little.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Did you look him in the eyes when he walked by?

[Colin Quinn]

No. Are you crazy? Are you insane?

[Robert Kelly]

God, you're still scared.

[Jay Oakerson]

Wow, somebody took you back.

[Colin Quinn]

You want to see what he did, though? If you're me, no. Should I show you?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, please.

[Colin Quinn]

All right, I'll go over.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll come to you.

[Colin Quinn]

All right. So you're me. You're. You're in on the height in the hall.

[Robert Kelly]

It's like this.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah. You're Just passing.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay, so Bobby's.

[Colin Quinn]

Lower your arms.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby's arms are lowered a lot, but he's looking. He's looking black.

[Colin Quinn]

I wish I was as jacked as I was now in high school, but, Bobby.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jacob. Do me a favor, Jacob, don't call yourself jacked.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Ever.

[Jay Oakerson]

What? Jacked. That's a crazy word for it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Colin Quinn]

I don't know what else to call it.

[Jay Oakerson]

In shape. You're really in shape.

[Robert Kelly]

If you put off at the end.

[Jay Oakerson]

Of it, we could agree you're jacked off.

[Colin Quinn]

All right, well, picture. Picture this bod that you see now looking at me, but 20 pounds less muscle.

[Jay Oakerson]

Skinnier. Yeah, yeah. Okay. And now, Bobby, you are doing Bob. You are Reggie right now to me.

[Robert Kelly]

Am I Reggie or you?

[Colin Quinn]

I'm Reggie.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're me.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm him.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you're not being a good Jacob at all. You look very intimidating. There you go.

[Colin Quinn]

There you go.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sorry.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait, wait, wait. Let me get in character.

[Jay Oakerson]

Ready, Bobby? Take your time because you're the thespian here. You and Christine are the only people with severe acting experience.

[Robert Kelly]

Ready? I'm a stage actress.

[Colin Quinn]

Like, now, Bobby, you're probably having a conversation about aliens and how cool it was.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think that, you know, I don't think they're. You know, if they're here, they're here as friends.

[Colin Quinn]

I walk. You know, I'm walking.

[Robert Kelly]

I think they're here as friends. You know what I mean? Because. Oh, the. Was that man.

[Colin Quinn]

He gut.

[Robert Kelly]

He just hit you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Punch you?

[Colin Quinn]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

And he hit you in the stomach.

[Robert Kelly]

What did you do? You went down, right? How you do, what you do? What you do?

[Colin Quinn]

This was the noise I made. I mean, all air left in my body.

[Robert Kelly]

Let me hear it. It's like when you work out with us on Saturdays, and then if someone.

[Jay Oakerson]

Tries to talk to you. If someone tries to talk to you, you go, oh, hey, don't know. Something's wrong. Oh, man. I walk by gut shot. I got one of those ones from my.

[Robert Kelly]

That's dangerous.

[Jay Oakerson]

One of my best friends, John Houdini, died like that.

[Colin Quinn]

There's no time.

[Jay Oakerson]

The cannonball or the stomach? Who?

[Robert Kelly]

Danny who? No, guy came up and punched him in the stomach without him. He had a thing that you could hit him and he could take it. And this kid walked up and punched him in the stomach without telling him first.

[Jay Oakerson]

And he died his heart out.

[Robert Kelly]

So way he died.

[Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is that true?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's true.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's not magic.

[Robert Kelly]

No, he's not, you know, magic Isn't.

[Jay Oakerson]

Real punch in the stomach by a McGill student in Montreal in 1926. What a dummy, man.

[Colin Quinn]

He thought his core was way stronger than it was.

[Jay Oakerson]

Turns out.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, it was. If you told him the guy just walked up and sucker punched him.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, right in his appendix.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Colin Quinn]

That makes me feel so my. My core was even with. Relax. My core was pretty cool then.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, it sounds like he just punched. Seems like he punched you in the.

[Robert Kelly]

Liver, not the 19, 20 something.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Appendixes.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. You died from an appendix back then.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Colin Quinn]

You don't want to take a punch from Reggie.

[Jay Oakerson]

My buddy John, how's he doing? When we were. Good. He's good. He's in Germany. Tell him I said, what's up? Beat cancer twice now somehow.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bless him. But he sure he had it.

[Robert Kelly]

Maybe he was just trying to get a gofundme. Did he have a gofundme?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I don't think so. But maybe he's an unscrupulous piece of who's just trying to keep the system. I don't know. Maybe I don't know him at all.

[Robert Kelly]

I've actually known two people that have.

[Jay Oakerson]

Tell you what, he did this when we were young. We were very young, playing basketball. And like, it was actually a terrible reaction. It never made sense to me to this day. But I was pretty. I was younger than John. He was two years older than me. And maybe he was like playing with like basketball with like the older, like his age people or something. And I went over to him, whatever it was, I slapped. I like, hit him on his arm with my hand, but not like a fighting thing, you know? I mean, and he's very Jewish, so he got allergy shots every week. And he said. He said I slapped him, right?

[Robert Kelly]

Is that Jewish?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he said, I sl. Allergies are very Jewish. Said I slapped him right in his things and he. I hit him in the arm and he went. He went, oh. And just punched me in the stomach with everything he had. And then I walked away and held back tears and just like sad. Cried away. Walking away. Like, why would he do that? He's my friend. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You got hit by your Jewish pal?

[Jay Oakerson]

My Jewish army friend.

[Robert Kelly]

And he hit you right in the gut. Did it hurt?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

What hurt more? Did he hit you and he was your friend or the pain?

[Jay Oakerson]

Friend hit me friend.

[Robert Kelly]

That's what brought the tears up.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's why I'm bad at that. That's why I'm not a good. Like, let's wrestle. No. Or let's SP or anything like that with a friend. Because I don't like when I did that with Vecchion. I told you when I was with Vek, it's not that it goes bad. It's not bad. It's not me getting angry at my friend and wanting to hit them more. I won't get over that they're hitting me as hard as they. And not even as hard as they can, but was that Vecchion thing. We were filming something once and they wanted us to box like one minute rounds.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

I tell you, we came out and I was, you know, we took our little fake lessons and whatever for this skit we were doing. And then we got in the ring after like, you know, 30 minutes of lessons or whatever. And I just wanted to do like three one minute rounds. And the first time he came out and I'm like smiling, I'm with Mike, I'm like, I'm like, you know, like pawing at him and he just send one right up the, the, up the pike into my nose. And I was like, why would he do. And then I was just bummed.

[Robert Kelly]

You turned into Kung Fu Panda.

[Jay Oakerson]

I was just bummed. I think I held him for the next two minutes.

[Robert Kelly]

Ah, man, that sucks. He's such a sweetie. Me and Colin fought in Japan.

[Jay Oakerson]

Fist fought?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Over what, a geisha girl?

[Robert Kelly]

No, we were just. They had a. In the Marine base we're at, they had this big pit. They called it the pit with a. Oh.

[Jay Oakerson]

But it was like an organized, friendly thing.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it was like 12 at night. We stumbled across this. It was all cut up car tires in this pit where the marines would learn how to fight. And we just went in there. I was bouncing around, having a good time. This is fun. And then he just started throwing and then I, we grabbed each other and we started like really fighting. And then I took his shirt and I pulled it over his head and I hockeyed him. And then I put his. I put my knees on his arms and I stuck his hands to his head with my knee until he gave up.

[Jay Oakerson]

And he gave up.

[Robert Kelly]

He gave up.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then you guys just went about the night.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, and we went about the night.

[Jay Oakerson]

Because this whole thing, I think you're pulling a Christine on me here, which has always driven me nuts about her and her nonsensical stories from childhood. You guys didn't fight.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, was that Chris Christine's huff and puff?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. She's insane. Her story.

[Robert Kelly]

Why did you huff and puff? Because he.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, she's a mean old lady that's got nothing to do with her story.

[Robert Kelly]

Is it because he's calling you? Like he's saying that your stories are.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's. Her descriptions are bullshit.

[Robert Kelly]

No, me and Colin would fight all the time, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, but not.

[Robert Kelly]

No, we would. He punched me. Dude. I'm driving. I told you this. We're driving up to Syracuse and he just punched me in the side of the face as hard as he could in the head.

[Jay Oakerson]

Was he driving?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I was driving and I. I just took a sip.

[Jay Oakerson]

It wasn't as hard as he could, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

I took a sip of coffee and he cracked me in the side of the head.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Robert Kelly]

Because he's calling these.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, these aren't answers, Bobby. That's why. These stories are insane, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll call him right now.

[Jay Oakerson]

You and Christine are.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll call him right now.

[Jay Oakerson]

History tweakers.

[Robert Kelly]

If I. I'm not a. This is your problem. This is your problem. You don't believe anybody because your friend hit you and you don't know why. You have a. Trust issues.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I'm a.

[Robert Kelly]

Call him right now. And when he tells you these are.

[Jay Oakerson]

True, I want to say there's some rationale behind it.

[Robert Kelly]

No, we used to fight, dude. We fight drugs. Calling him me fight. We. We checked into the hotel room. We did a hotel gig. We got in, we stopped at like the store to get like Wheat Thins and Cheez Its. And then we got to the hotel room and we fought.

[Jay Oakerson]

He doesn't make any sense, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

He just fights.

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't make that your child's godfather. And I mean, Christine's making faces and huffing and puffing her. Same thing. Do you hear what Christine just said? What is the input, Jacob? Third party coming to get this. Christine goes. She's trying to say that her and her friends fought. They like fist fought and got into these fights. She goes. Ours was over drugs. What are you picturing there? What are you picturing this? Like. Like over drug. Like they're pulling hair. No, no, no, but I'm just saying, like, what. What's. So they're over.

[Robert Kelly]

Over drugs. I said we were on drugs.

[Jay Oakerson]

It was about drugs, bad mood, Nothing.

[Robert Kelly]

Because you don't have drugs.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bad moods because you don't have drugs. This is never the story she's told. The story she tells us. Guys would laugh and like cheer them and her and her friend would go and fight like in the middle of these guys for. And then she's.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't say when did I ever save her?

[Jay Oakerson]

And Then. And then it turns out she's just talking about, like, her and her dumb friend, like, slap bot. Like, stupid. Like, like, where you going? That's exactly what she's talking about.

[Robert Kelly]

Drug fuel, fights in the side of.

[Jay Oakerson]

The head for no reason. Why are you friends?

[Robert Kelly]

Because. I don't know, dude, I love him.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're abused.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, no. Yeah, not really. It was. I. Dude, I laughed.

[Jay Oakerson]

How's your wife kiss you on the mouth with that being your history? Is that why? And you told me your wife's hot for Colin.

[Robert Kelly]

Buddy, she's hot for your first. Everybody. Everybody's girlfriend, even yours, is hot for Colin.

[Jay Oakerson]

Are you hot for Colin?

[Robert Kelly]

Yes. I wouldn't say hot for Colin. Say it.

[Jay Oakerson]

You could say whatever you want. Say it. I'd say, take your. Take your shot.

[Robert Kelly]

You, Rebecca, all the women in comedy, how you feel about Colin Quinn? Well, we all love Colin. Exactly. Yeah. Everybody loves Colin. All the women love Colin.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Jay Oakerson]

That doesn't mean anything. Everyone loves you.

[Robert Kelly]

No, not like Colin. Call. Women don't love me like, they love Colin.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, because they know that he just beats you up whenever he wants. Colin's your Reggie.

[Colin Quinn]

Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

[Robert Kelly]

He's not an alpha. He punched me in the head and I thought it was hilarious.

[Jay Oakerson]

I hope he comes in here right now and blows a snot rocket in your seaweed snacks, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

I eat him now. I'd be calling up in Japan. I won in Japan. And he won in the car because.

[Jay Oakerson]

I was in Japan. In the. In the tire pit.

[Robert Kelly]

In the pit. They called it the pit because you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Guys were playing around and you had the upper hand.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, it got aggressive quick.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're playing around.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, we played around, but it got aggressive. It's aggressive. Like, it's not. It's not like. Look at me and Billy Burr used to do the same shit. We fought. I mean, we fought to. It got serious.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is this what Boston guys do? Instead of just kissing each other the way you want, you have to fight? Hey, I'm having feelings. Do you want to fight me? He goes, I don't think so. You fucking look. You look good, man. You've been hitting the gym. Fight me, dude. Fight me before I suck your dick.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, do you know remember what happened to Mike Cannon to me?

[Jay Oakerson]

Did you guys suck each other's dicks instead of fighting?

[Robert Kelly]

I wish, but it is like a weird thing where we, you know, fight, you know, you kind of fight. It's not a. I grabbed my can because I Thought someone had told me in my head. I got that he was a wrestler. He was wrestling. So I'm like, you know, wrestlers are very tough. I. I would never really. With a wrestler. They just have weird strength, right? So he was doing the C Cruise. He was staying at Calda's house with Feeny and. And. And Sag.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hello.

[Robert Kelly]

And Sag the God. What do they call him?

[Jay Oakerson]

Sag daddy.

[Robert Kelly]

Sag Daddy. So I. I just want. I go, I want to fucking feel your strength. Let's go. And he's like, what? And I go, come on, you fucking. Let's go. And I started to wrestle him and I just picked him up and threw him onto his luggage.

[Jay Oakerson]

Cannon.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And he's like. He hit his chin and he. I felt terrible. Like, he's like, what. What's going on? I go, I thought you were a wrestler. He goes, no, I played poker in college and I played a little basketball.

[Jay Oakerson]

Basketball.

[Robert Kelly]

I was like, I thought you were a wrestler. He goes, I've never wrestled in my life.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I attacked him.

[Robert Kelly]

I just attacked him.

[Jay Oakerson]

You thought because of his haircut and hair color that he was Mike Vecchio?

[Robert Kelly]

I thought.

[Jay Oakerson]

I thought he was like.

[Robert Kelly]

I did.

[Jay Oakerson]

A wrestler.

[Robert Kelly]

I thought he was. You know what I mean? Like, if you grab a wrestler, they're going to wrestle back. Like, I thought he was going to handle.

[Jay Oakerson]

Have you been thinking, since you confused them, that Mike Vecchione seems pretty short for being basketball in college?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I would. I know Mike Vecchion's a wrestler.

[Jay Oakerson]

You just also assumed because that Mike Cannon looks like him, that he. They wouldn't.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. I did. I somewhere. I got it. I must.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's insane to just bring those. Hey, you guys want to open for me on the road? And then they get into the thing and you powered you jackknife power bomb him through his own luggage. What's wrong with you?

[Robert Kelly]

That's what he said. What's wrong with you? In that tone.

[Jay Oakerson]

I said that before.

[Robert Kelly]

Why?

[Jay Oakerson]

I said, I tell you one of my. What did I think when I took CrossFit the first time? One of my coaches one day just did a weird, like, started wrestling with me or something or. No, I know what it was like. He said something about, like, wrestling. Maybe we'll do a little wrestling or something like that. And I, like, jokingly, like, said something, but I was like. I was like, I'll shoot for you. I didn't shoot for his legs. I was like, yeah, I'm shoot for the legs and whatever. And he just put me in some crazy choke hole, like, really hard, where like. Like we went down on the ground. And I got out of it. I got out of it, old man. I was like. But, I mean, that was, like, furious. The fuck is wrong with you, dude? That's expensive to come here, you piece of shit. Like, what are you trying to fucking humiliate me in front of. Was mad. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

That sucks.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm like, you're the coach. You. Oh, you know, I left furious.

[Robert Kelly]

It sucks when you play around. It goes too far, but you're in the wrong.

[Jay Oakerson]

I wasn't playing around at all. No, I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything. I said a thing, and then he put me in a chair. It was insane.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, that's what happened with Canon. I shouldn't have done that. I felt terrible.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's the blood. Colin Quinn.

[Colin Quinn]

Your relationship with Colin makes me think if Reggie had. Was still around, we'd be friends.

[Robert Kelly]

You and Reggie?

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah. I mean, you can survive that. Colin.

[Robert Kelly]

You understand? Colin's crazy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Like, Colin, like, punch you in the face and take your lady.

[Robert Kelly]

He like, I tell you what happened. We were in front of when Comedy Central used to be on Broadway up on 50th. I was coming to the park with him, and he. We were walking, just having a cool day, and he started throwing sticks at my head, right? He started throwing sticks at me. He was just picking up sticks, laughing, and throwing them at me, and I was like, what the fuck you doing? So we made it all the way over to 59th, I believe it was, and Broadway, and I grabbed a rock and I threw it at him, and it hit his knee, and it just heard it thump. And he went, oh. And he just started laughing. But I remember the Comedy Central execs were coming out of the place, and they were looking at me and him.

[Jay Oakerson]

And your behavior, and he just threw.

[Robert Kelly]

A rock at Colin Quinn. He's like, oh, shit. That was a good one. Yeah. Like, Colin's mentally crazy when it comes to that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Show me the size of the rock.

[Robert Kelly]

Probably like, that big. Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hit him right in the knee.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, yeah, buddy. You can call him. This is all, I'm not making this up.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know that you haven't given yet a reason for anything, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

That's.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're like, I was drinking coffee. Sock me in the face. No, you don't hang with that buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

There's no reason.

[Jay Oakerson]

You guys aren't fucking Johnny Knoxville and.

[Robert Kelly]

Steve O. I'm telling you, the relationship.

[Jay Oakerson]

With Colin, he Goes. He asked me if I'd be best man at his wedding. And then he need me in the nuts and clothesline me. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Colin likes to fight.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's an older man.

[Robert Kelly]

There's a video of him when I was doing my. My Just a tip. And I was doing the video, the DVD of the making of the Audio cd. Right. Which is ahead of its time. And it cost them $10,000. I still am still paying for it, by the way. I haven't made one dime off just the tip.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Comedy Central Records.

[Jay Oakerson]

I heard it cost you $150 a year, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

It cost me so much money to make the. Making the DVD of the making of the cd. And it goes all the way up until I go on stage. And then you have to put the CD in. And it's just audio. I could have just left the cameras on. Had an amazing.

[Jay Oakerson]

Had a special.

[Robert Kelly]

One of the best sets I've ever had in my life. I would have had on video, but I didn't. I chose to go the art way. And you got to put audio because.

[Jay Oakerson]

Also because you went. You gave him some visual. But not all of it. Just the tip.

[Robert Kelly]

Got it. Yeah. You know, you get it.

[Jay Oakerson]

There we go.

[Robert Kelly]

So in that video, I'm interviewing. I'm sitting with all my friends, whatever. Norton. And then with Colin. And in the middle of. He takes a hatchet out and starts chasing me around his apartment. And then he. He puts boxing gloves on and he starts to. With me. And then he. I. I run. I literally run down the hallway away from him. And he comes down and punches me onto the ground and then kicks me in the gut.

[Jay Oakerson]

And you're afraid of him?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I'm not afraid. I was. No, I'm not afraid of him.

[Jay Oakerson]

Say right now that Colin Quinn could kick the out of you.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I could be calling Quinn.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't think so.

[Robert Kelly]

I've beaten him.

[Jay Oakerson]

It sounds like you're terrified.

[Robert Kelly]

I think it's equal. I think we've had. I've won and he's won.

[Jay Oakerson]

But fake fights like Christine and her friends, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

He kicked me in the stomach. And you can see it on the video. He literally just kicks me in the gut as hard as he could.

[Jay Oakerson]

Was it over drugs?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

He just picked up a hatchet and chased me around his house. He's. He's fucking crazy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now. All these things I have when these stories that. These crazy stories you guys tell here sound like if a real person was talking, like myself. Did me and my friends ever get into a Fight like a real fight? Yes, over a thing. Something happened. Did me and my friends also slap box and. And play fight and wrestle and set up a thing and do like wrestling did around like that. Get serious sometimes? Sure. This is why I don't like doing it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

All that said, I've never just had like yeah, that's my buddy. Once in a while he comes over and just sucker punch knocks me out. But most of the time we laugh and laugh.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Collins are crazy. Now being me and Billy Burrow have had that we've had. We had a fought I think the last one we've ever had. We got too serious.

[Jay Oakerson]

But you're like.

[Robert Kelly]

And he. Well, he came out and I felt bad. I was like dude, I'm sorry. And he was like that now you're gonna walk around thinking you're the big dog of the house.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I was like, you kicked his ass. You heard it here first, everybody. Robert Kelly kicked the out of Bill Burr. Bobby, we need to get a lot a little more publicity. We don't have any controversy really. Bob Kelly says it here first. Beat the out of Billy Bur had to apologize to him. He felt so bad.

[Robert Kelly]

I just felt bad the way it went. Cuz it was like we got serious out of the blue. It was stupid. We were just around. It got too serious.

[Jay Oakerson]

I heard after the reconstruction surgery he lost a lot of his facial freckles. Bob's the best around. Billboard's never gonna keep you down.

[Robert Kelly]

It was such a weird thing to go. Look, I'm sorry man. I up. That was too far.

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't want to fly helicopters to get away from you.

[Robert Kelly]

And he was like. And now you're gonna think you're the big dog walking around. I was like, what? No, I'm not. I feel bad. He's like that, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

You feel bad because you kicked his ass. Dude, he's been chasing that ever since. Dude, he's been chasing that ass beating. And every time he's up there flying around the stadium or making millions. Millions.

[Robert Kelly]

Passing me in the business 75 times.

[Jay Oakerson]

He always.

[Robert Kelly]

I motivated him.

[Jay Oakerson]

He always knows though, as soon as he comes out of that chopper and he's back on solid ground with Robert Kelly, he's never quite safe, you know, you have to hover around this earth for the rest of your life if you want to make sure Robert Kelly doesn't come for you.

[Robert Kelly]

That's the day that he was like, I'm going to fucking beat him in everything else. Money, fame, fortune. He really, he really beat the out of me.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know Colin Quinn just right here with you and just beat you up constantly.

[Robert Kelly]

Will you text him to call Christine? I really. It's a weird thing, our relationship. He is very. He attacked me, chased me in the park one day. I was crawling up.

[Jay Oakerson]

You keep using these words that I love, by the way. Attack the attacks. These are things. But this person should be stopped describing. If you're not describing Colin Quinn.

[Robert Kelly]

No, he should be stopped.

[Jay Oakerson]

He should be stopped.

[Robert Kelly]

He should be stopped. And maybe.

[Jay Oakerson]

And maybe some repercussions for his actions, I'm thinking.

[Robert Kelly]

Jay, I'm telling you, it's. There's something about when he punched me in the face. He laughs. He finds it hysterically. And his laugh is so. I don't know.

[Jay Oakerson]

Infectious.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's infectious.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is it so infectious that it makes you laugh also beyond getting jawed by somebody while you're driving. That's crazy, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

I spit. You pulled the coffee on the inside so we couldn't. We almost died. We're on the highway doing, like 70. He punches me. I go spit the coffee on the inside. I had to stick my head out the window while I'm screaming at him going, what the fuck are you doing? He's laughing hysterically.

[Jay Oakerson]

The Sbarro story, one of my favorites from you guys. Love it. You got all the Sbarros. May have been Keith was in the car, too, or something. But that was the highway. And whoever opened it up to start eating their Sbaro Italian buffet, Colin just took it and, like, huck the whole thing out the window. Now, that's funny. That's bullish, but it's funny.

[Robert Kelly]

I did that to Keith when he had the. He just got the newspaper. He wanted to read something in the newspaper, an article. And we're on the highway, and as soon as he opened it up, I took it and I threw the whole newspaper out. And then Colin had just gotten Lasik and he had his sunglasses on, and they were stupid. They were Spencer for hire. Remember Spencer?

[Jay Oakerson]

I do remember. Spencer for hire. Robert Urich.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Robert Urek.

[Jay Oakerson]

Damn.

[Robert Kelly]

I remember. On the highway.

[Jay Oakerson]

Come on. Look who got. Who got impressed with that over there.

[Robert Kelly]

I took his sunglasses and I threw them out the window on the highway. You know, get us. Close his eyes the whole way.

[Jay Oakerson]

Dispenser for hires. That's a good one. See, these are friends going at each other doing that. I understand. That's great, right? These fights don't make any sense to me.

[Robert Kelly]

He likes to fight. Dude. He is a.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's no friends no one who I'm friends with have I ever been in a fistfight with.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, me, Keith, Dove and Colin went to the gym at Crunch after the Cellar one night and beat the out of each other. Sparring buddy. It was not like we were. We were.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're wearing gloves.

[Robert Kelly]

Gloves, no headgear. And really throwing shots at each other's.

[Jay Oakerson]

Gotcha.

[Robert Kelly]

Heads.

[Jay Oakerson]

I know, but they're still boxing gloves. You guys don't know how to punch?

[Robert Kelly]

Are you crazy?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I know how to punch. Do you though?

[Robert Kelly]

Buddy, from what I don't like. This is what I like about you.

[Jay Oakerson]

The column tell you now.

[Robert Kelly]

You do that. Snobby, weird.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't.

[Robert Kelly]

Where you go. No, you do. You go. Do you? And I go, yeah, you know how to punch? Yes, I do. Do you? And it's like, yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

And you're like, you don't punch a. Like boxing.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes. I had a box. I don't throw a punch. Yes, 100%.

[Jay Oakerson]

All right.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Do you. You know. You know how to punch?

[Jay Oakerson]

Not like any kind of boxing skill.

[Robert Kelly]

Stop it. You know how to throw a punch?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

How do you throw a punch?

[Jay Oakerson]

With my fist.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you don't use fists when you punch.

[Robert Kelly]

Do not. You're not throw.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, from the shoulder, you're saying like that your back foot and all that stuff. Turn into it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, turn into it. Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Everyone knows the mechanic I'm talking about in a fight, though. I don't know if I'm really going, like, 1, 1, 1, 2, 3. 1, 1, 1, 1, two.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you're not gonna. You're not gonna count it out?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I'm gonna grab it as. I'm gonna try to rip his ear off with my one hand and try to throw the punch into the hand I'm holding through his head. Like, I'm just gonna bore it through, you know, I don't have.

[Robert Kelly]

You're not gonna. You're not gonna throw. One, two, three, four. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't have. Context goes. Then he's gonna take a step in, and then I drop down, I show high, and then I come around with a back elbow.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, I know how to throw a punch. But you say it like I don't. I don't know why you would think I don't know how to throw a punch, Bobby.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm not the person who raped you of your masculinity. I think you're all man, dude. Colin Quinn doesn't respect you. He's gonna take your. He. He allows you to keep your lady.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's not that. It's the way you say things. You go. You do. It's cunty.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And the reason why I know. And the reason why I know I'm true, because as soon as I said it, everybody's eyebrows in the room went up and went, huh? You do you have a little cunty way about yourself. When you.

[Jay Oakerson]

I didn't know you were a boxer.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's not that. No, see, this is the other cunty side of you. Well, now you apologize. No, now you throw me down like I'm Muhammad Ali.

[Jay Oakerson]

I didn't say you're Muhammad Ali. Remember Jerry Coon or something?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not saying I'm a boxer. I'm saying I know how to throw a punch.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Robert Kelly]

No, see, that sing songy. I. No, that. The sing songy.

[Colin Quinn]

It doesn't.

[Jay Oakerson]

That right there.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't like it. Stop. Now I.

[Colin Quinn]

You do it. That's what you do.

[Jay Oakerson]

You guys are crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

No, you. No, this is the last. You. Now we're cra. The whole room can't be crazy, huh? You listen. You have to.

[Jay Oakerson]

What's the lack of. Who's crazy or not crazy? I'm saying. You know how to throw a bunch, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

That weird buddy shit at the end, I don't fucking buy it. No, because now you're being passive aggressive.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm not being any aggressive.

[Robert Kelly]

Now that thing. You're doing it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm not being any kind of aggressive.

[Robert Kelly]

No. You know, now you're backing it down. You trigger. You trigger and then you pull back and you go, oh, yeah, buddy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Listen, you, Keith, Colin and Dove.

[Robert Kelly]

Huh?

[Jay Oakerson]

You guys went in there and worked each other over.

[Colin Quinn]

You said. You said.

[Robert Kelly]

You said. That's not. That's not what I said.

[Colin Quinn]

You said. You said it like this to Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Do you.

[Colin Quinn]

But what you really meant was. Do you, though?

[Robert Kelly]

No. Yeah. No, no, no.

[Colin Quinn]

That's the missing word.

[Robert Kelly]

No. He said, you know. You know how to. You know how to throw a punch. He said it real. And I go, yeah, I did. And you went, do you. It's like, really? I hear I'm a cunt. That's what I hear.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's fair.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what I mean?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

It's like, as a friend, you should just go, oh, cool.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm blown away. I think you're. I think you're a tough guy.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not. I am not a tough guy. I'm not.

[Jay Oakerson]

Through your life.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no. I've never been A tough guy. I've always been the guy that walked the girl home.

[Jay Oakerson]

Or no, no, but you're not a. I'm saying I've gotten the shit kicked.

[Robert Kelly]

Out of me way more than I've ever want to fight.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I've been beat up plenty.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I'm not. I'm definitely not a tough guy.

[Jay Oakerson]

But you're not like a pussy in any sense. I just didn't know that you were.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be passive aggressive to my friend, if that's what you're saying.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, Bobby, you can't get upset with my passive aggressiveness when you accept from another man punching you in the face at random. Until you have a conversation with Colin Quinn, you can't question my friendship. I have never sucker punched you ever in my life. I've invited you over with now I've invited you to my home without ulterior motives of possibly fighting you later that evening or showing your wife how much stronger I am than you in some way.

[Robert Kelly]

Crazy, I know, but like me, but our relationship, you're not. If you were ever to. If it was me and you ever. I would never fight you because if it ever got to the point where it went too far with you, it wouldn't be good because your. Your. Your rage or whatever that thing that you have. I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't want to open that can of worms. Colin is always. He doesn't care. You could slap him in the face. He would laugh.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's really.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude. It's weird. I know.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is that kind of guy.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude. You can. You can. I told you I threw a rock. He used to always laugh.

[Jay Oakerson]

He used to always hold my wrist up and go, look at the size of these mitts. Yeah, he was like, we should get you boxing. Do you think he was just trying to get me into his circle so he could fight me?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he wants to fight you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Just wanted to punch me in the face.

[Robert Kelly]

He wants you to punch him. Why? He wants.

[Jay Oakerson]

See if he could take it.

[Robert Kelly]

He wants you big mitt slapping on his old face.

[Jay Oakerson]

Guy's a masochist like Louis.

[Robert Kelly]

I would never want to lose like.

[Jay Oakerson]

Trains to fight his father every day. Can only assume it's what it's about. Yeah. I'm going to see you in hell one day, old man.

[Robert Kelly]

You too, mom.

[Jay Oakerson]

You too, Mom. Coming for you.

[Robert Kelly]

You abandoned me. Both of you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, hey, Mom, Dad. It's your orphan. And I've been training. I knew this day would come. Lights his fist on fire. Let's go. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Lewis. I wouldn't fight.

[Jay Oakerson]

No. Lewis has been training to fight, I guess exclusively his friends his whole life. Not his whole life. The last, like, you know, it's been a while now he's been training stuff like that.

[Robert Kelly]

He does fight his friends a. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should all fight him.

[Jay Oakerson]

Me, you, as a group.

[Robert Kelly]

As a group. Like get six of us to fight him at once to see if he can really come out of that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Louis, would you submit to a possible jumping by some of your closest friends?

[Robert Kelly]

That'd be great. At Skank Fest. Me, you, Soder soda.

[Jay Oakerson]

Who's everyone who lives with inner irate rage against him? Me, you sod list.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Dave.

[Jay Oakerson]

Dave Smith's probably in there pretty good. Anyone he's ever encountered is a female.

[Robert Kelly]

Producers of Legion of Sk.

[Jay Oakerson]

Shannon.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Any. Any producer at Gas Digital. The producers of Gas Digital.

[Jay Oakerson]

This is your one moment, everyone. You get to beat the out of Lewis.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. But we bring in Bobby Hutch as the final boss to come in at the end.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. Come lay the foundation.

[Robert Kelly]

Louis, the pinata.

[Jay Oakerson]

One year.

[Robert Kelly]

I was just think he could be the pinata and you guys could all go to him that way.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And the money he owes us comes out of him.

[Jay Oakerson]

Great dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I don't mind fighting. I don't mind that stuff. I kind of like.

[Jay Oakerson]

Like spar fighting.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, like wrestling your friends. And I don't mind it, but it does get out of hand. Right?

[Jay Oakerson]

It's just. I mean, I think it only go. And just like you said, like the Bill Burr thing, like, you know, over and over again. It's like, it's. I understand Bill's thing more on that. It's like, look, I'm over this too. We're both over it. And you got the upper hand that one. But I'll never be tight with you again until I defeat you in worse.

[Robert Kelly]

In a worse way. I understand what he's saying, but like, I get that.

[Jay Oakerson]

That I understand much more than anything. He goes, we can't live together and just know, like, I'll find a reason in our lives again to refight you and try to win again. And if I lose, I will then kill myself Japanese samurai style with putting my own sword.

[Robert Kelly]

He did get me back, though. Remember we used to play football in the park. You got me back at all of life.

[Jay Oakerson]

I didn't go to play football in the park. And you want to hear why? Talk about a young person versus how much I would be on your guys Side and laughing at this. Now, I was going to come up from Philly for a Central park, right?

[Robert Kelly]

Central park. We all used to play. And then they go football on Sundays.

[Jay Oakerson]

They go, I'm 20, it's me, it's.

[Robert Kelly]

Me, Godfrey, Steve Byrne, all the New York comics. Pretty much, yeah. But not like, you know, it was the younger guys. It wasn't like Sherrod Godfrey, Steve Burn, Tony Rock. Tony Rock.

[Jay Oakerson]

I got invited.

[Robert Kelly]

Foss played, I think too.

[Jay Oakerson]

I got invited to go to that. And they laughed, they laughed at me because I was like. They go, yeah. And I was like, that's crazy. And I go. I was like, so and so is playing. Maybe somebody older was playing or something. I was like, he's gonna play.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

And they go, yeah, well, it's just like two hand touch. And I was like, oh, never mind. And I was like, I'm not going to go play two hands. I mean, this is so lame. Me and my friends play tackle football. Being in by the time I was in my 30s. And if somebody was like, you want to go play tackle football? I go, are you out of your goddamn mind? That's fucking crazy. They all, they all laughed at me. I was like, But I thought I was laughing at them. I'm going like, you guys play touch football? He goes, what the fuck do you want us to play?

[Robert Kelly]

Like, yeah, touch football always tackle each other. Touch football always turns into violence. You start out with touch and then it very rapidly goes into tackle hurting people.

[Jay Oakerson]

Never had touch football turn into tackle football. You dude, have to really go through your Rolodex of friends and think about things.

[Robert Kelly]

Billy Burr kept, we're on the line together. He was on the other team and he made me so mad. He kept pushing me down into the mud. So every time, hut. And I'd go in, he would just push my shoulders down so I would hit the, like skid on my face. And he did it three times in a row. And he kept going, dad, you're hitting the. Hitting the ground, dude, stop being so angry. And then he. And the last one he did, I grabbed all the grass in my fist and I just went.

[Jay Oakerson]

I remember that.

[Robert Kelly]

I threw it in the ground in the air. Were you there for that?

[Jay Oakerson]

No, that was. No, but I was at the Cellar every night with Keith and you guys talked about that like, Bobby had a fucking conniption.

[Robert Kelly]

I had a breakdown.

[Jay Oakerson]

He ripped some earth out. And then just like he let. He was so angry. I do remember that story.

[Robert Kelly]

Cuz Burr was so. He did it three Times in the third, he kept going, dad, looky. You can't. You know. You know, Burr can get under you. Dude. Look at you getting so angry about this. Settle down. It's tag, touch football. And he kept doing it. And then the last one I just heard, heh heh. And I was like, I just grabbed a fistful of earth.

[Jay Oakerson]

You couldn't do anything, Just throw it?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I couldn't.

[Jay Oakerson]

You have lousy friends.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, you're my friend.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I wouldn't do these things to you.

[Robert Kelly]

You've been very nice to me.

[Jay Oakerson]

I've certainly. I certainly wouldn't just fucking deck you for no reason.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I know, Jacob.

[Jay Oakerson]

Although I am batting around the idea of punching you in the stomach every time I see your hands. I haven't decided yet. You'll find out.

[Colin Quinn]

I never thought about how crazy it was because I wasn't being aggressive. I was just, you know, having. Having hands.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Colin Quinn]

What you. I never thought about it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but a bully, you know.

[Colin Quinn]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

You see a guy like you just. Yeah, that's. That's. That's crazy.

[Jay Oakerson]

I got bullied in individual situations, like times, but I never had like a bully. Like I had bullied like on the street by people I didn't know at all. Like older kids that would come or. And like. Like they see a young kid walking like.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Ask you for money or try to take money from you or anything like that. I was bullied. I definitely had bullying like that. But I never had like a day to day. Now there was a poor kid, Avi Lazarus, big goofy Russian Jewish kid.

[Robert Kelly]

He was Jewish?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Russian Jewish.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, sure.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I'm positive. But more Russian seeming than Jew, you know, I mean, like his. His thing was that he was a Russian kid, but just kind of a big goof. I think he's successful. I think I've seen him on Facebook before, but he was this poor kid. I got caught cutting school a lot.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

At one point, that's how I got caught. Cause I started just doing. I was like, I don't seem to get. Because no one was ever home in my house during the day. So I was like, I'm just getting away with this. They don't give a shit. And then when it happened too much, they got a whole parents. And when I got caught, I said that that kid was bullying me. So I was afraid to go to school. I just threw a name. I was like. Because all I was like, who's taller than me? Because I was a big kid too. It's like, who's bigger than me at any way. And I'm like, that kid keeps making fun of me so I can't come to school anymore. I think he got talked to. And I was just like, I got bullied a lot.

[Robert Kelly]

Sixth grade, I got bullied a lot. There was two.

[Jay Oakerson]

Shit. Most of your bullies were banging your mom because they were. Your stepfather.

[Robert Kelly]

Got it.

[Jay Oakerson]

Who weren't mean to you?

[Robert Kelly]

Just one. The other stepfather was good.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, so the one. One of your bullies?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, one bully.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bully Billy.

[Robert Kelly]

Bully Billy. Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Billy the bully. You've been bullied by a lot of Bill. You guys stop becoming friends with Williams of any kind. My friend.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, here he is right here.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's calling Colin.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, Colin. Hey, buddy. You're live on bonfire. You're not live, but you're on bonfire. You don't have to correct that. You can just. It's. It's just. He's on the bonfire. Jay's in a corrective mode.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, but he could say. He could speak. But he could speak freely because we're not live.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, he's on the bottom. He can speak freely anyways.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, he might not admit the terrible things you're accusing him of.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you punch me in the face driving in a car?

[Big J Okerson]

The face of the forehead, the head.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay, that is different.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you punch me in the temple in the. No, I was. Well, the forehead is nuts because you. It's the side of the head you punch me in, correct?

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Driving upper. Yeah, the upper side of the head. Right? Okay. Yeah. Did. Did. Did you throw a stick at me in the park when I was trying to get away from you climbing up a wall?

[Big J Okerson]

I forgot about that.

[Robert Kelly]

Did I throw a rock and hit your knee in front of Comedy Central?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

She's mentally ill. Did we fight in Japan? I like it.

[Big J Okerson]

He goes, I told. He's in the middle of it with me. He goes, I told you he's mentally ill.

[Robert Kelly]

I know. No, no, no, no.

[Big J Okerson]

Let me finish something, please.

[Jay Oakerson]

We.

[Big J Okerson]

You're literally discussing us.

[Robert Kelly]

Yep.

[Big J Okerson]

Both acting psychotic. And you go, I told you he's mentally.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Collins include.

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

He. We.

[Big J Okerson]

We both two people in this environment.

[Jay Oakerson]

Not one, two. Don't.

[Big J Okerson]

He.

[Jay Oakerson]

We. Colin, you are completely right. He is here sandbag pronouns. He's sandbagging you this entire time, telling everybody that once in a while, you just aggressively attack him out of nowhere with no rhyme or any. And he can't tell any stories. Sound ridiculous as I've been calling him on.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you know that's not what you're saying. Jay, that's not what you're saying. This didn't happen.

[Jay Oakerson]

I didn't say it didn't happen.

[Robert Kelly]

You're saying that there's no way it could happen. There's no way that you guys just fight. Did you chase me with a hatchet? Did you chase me down in your apartment with a hatchet?

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. I mean, I don't know what to tell you, Jay. This guy's nuts.

[Jay Oakerson]

Because you're saying, did you kick me? You sound like you were like, hey, can I get a peanut? Do you have any peanut butter? And then he starts chasing you with a hatchet. There's some build. There's some buildup.

[Robert Kelly]

What's the build up? What's the build up to the hatchet?

[Big J Okerson]

I'll tell you. The build up right now.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

The build up is certain people, they like to roughhouse. They get around each other, and they rough house. And me and Bob always had that energy with each other.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

It's just. You know what I mean?

[Robert Kelly]

Was there any. Did I do anything for you to punch me in the side of the head driving the car?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I think you said something stupid.

[Robert Kelly]

I forget what.

[Big J Okerson]

It was something.

[Robert Kelly]

That was what?

[Jay Oakerson]

You. You inflamed him.

[Robert Kelly]

Inflamed him.

[Jay Oakerson]

You asked for it.

[Big J Okerson]

All right, Did I. I was trying to be funny.

[Robert Kelly]

Did I.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay, I thought it would be funny. I was driving.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

You know, and Bob's rambling away on the God knows what. And I just said, hey, let's put a stop to this nonsense, this monologue, but a quick shot.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay?

[Big J Okerson]

Even he knew it was fun.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, I laughed. I'm saying, Jay doesn't understand this. I laughed. I thought it was funny. When you chased me with the hatchet. Did I do anything for you to chase me with a hatchet?

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, I don't remember, but probably.

[Jay Oakerson]

I mean, you know, probably.

[Big J Okerson]

Nobody picks up a hatchet. You chases somebody with it.

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't just exactly. He makes, like, out of nowhere, you go, oh, Bobby, actually wait here one second. And then you just come in the room with a hatchet and start coming after Jay.

[Robert Kelly]

It's on video. That's what he did. But I'm telling you, if you chase somebody with a hatchet, you know why you chase them with that.

[Big J Okerson]

Bob, what Jay's trying to say is your narrative is trying to be, like, innocent Bob Kelly walks through the world.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no.

[Big J Okerson]

Shaking hands.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm saying babies and the rest of us. I'm not saying that, Bobby.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's right.

[Robert Kelly]

In Japan. We fought. We fought in Japan. We fought. When I threw a rock at you, at your knee. I threw that at you trying to hit your head and I hit your knee. I'm not saying he's misleading you. I'm not saying I'm not part of it. I'm just saying that you chased me with a hatchet and you chased me down your hallway and then kicked me in the stomach. Did you do that?

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay, Bobby, I know, but listen, listen. But you have told these stories from an angle of like, you don't want that. I've asked you the question six times today already. I go, then why are you not. This is the way he's telling the stories, Colin, that I've asked. Why are you still friends with this person? Why would you not have. Why would you not have brought up charges against this person? Because he's describing. He's describing a man that once in a while. What was Cato. Was that what Cato did for Green Hornet? He makes it seem like once in a while you just come out from behind a wall and start attacking him. In life, that's not what the case is.

[Robert Kelly]

Listen, not in all, but it's not the case, Colin. You punched me in the head cause you thought it would be. You punched me in the side of the head cause you thought it'd be funny. You chased me with a hatchet in your apartment cause you had a hatchet and you wanted to chase somebody, so you did it in a safe.

[Big J Okerson]

That's all correct.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. So, I mean, I don't know what to tell you. When we were in the park and you started throwing sticks at me when I was running from you, when I was hanging off a cliff in the Central park cliff. It was a rock face.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do not fall.

[Robert Kelly]

It was a rock face.

[Jay Oakerson]

Anything in Central Park. A cliff. A cliff.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait, let, let. Wait. Let him finish, dummy. First of all, you've never been in Central Park. You've never left your apartment. You've been to the stand and your apartment. All right, it's all coming back. Yeah, go ahead. Here you go, I guess.

[Big J Okerson]

Was that me answering questions here about the past? Was that me who took your cheap sunglasses and threw them out of the car?

[Robert Kelly]

That was me. That was me. When you got LASIK surgery.

[Big J Okerson]

I had a pair of nice sunglasses.

[Robert Kelly]

You just got Lasik.

[Jay Oakerson]

He said they were Robert Urich, a signature series Spencer for hires. They were J.J. yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Was it me that threw my sneaker through Bob's sneakers.

[Robert Kelly]

I forgot about that one. He came out of his house one day with brown corduroy Converse sneakers, low cuts. I made it. I. I made him take them off and I threw them on the.

[Jay Oakerson]

The wires, the wires. First shot.

[Robert Kelly]

First shot.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's good.

[Robert Kelly]

We came back and they were gone. Somebody climbed up and got them.

[Jay Oakerson]

He did.

[Robert Kelly]

They were brand new. I was like, those sneakers. Gotta go.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I had a bunch of like, I had all, all these sneakers. Bob's like a style guy, you know, because he had that kind of that day streak where he's really fashionista. And he was mad about these sunglasses because they were cheap too. I wasn't wearing nice ones.

[Robert Kelly]

You're a star.

[Big J Okerson]

What are you wearing? Ten dollar sunglasses.

[Robert Kelly]

Tough, tough crowd. First season. The guy has money. I mean, he's one of the biggest comics.

[Jay Oakerson]

But he just had Lasik. And you exposed, you exposed him to the sun.

[Robert Kelly]

We'll go to Baltimore, do something. He went into one of those stupid gift shops.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And got a pair of shit glasses. It's a dude you do. We're about to do a gig where you're getting $20,000. Go spend some money.

[Jay Oakerson]

Colin Quinn is class. The glasses become classy because he has them on now.

[Robert Kelly]

If you saw them, you would have smashed him in his face too. Yeah, so I. Yeah, I mean, look at. We. We didn't. We fought. We fought at the hotel room when we got there too. Didn't you fight me at the hotel room?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, we probably did. No, once again, I didn't fight you. We fought each other. Why do you have to keep twisting it?

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, I'll tell you what's happening now. He's trying. Bobby thinks the new generation needs this. So very recently, we've just found out. Bobby. Bobby confusingly confessed to walking into a hotel room with Mike Cannon and then believing that he was a former wrestler, which he wasn't, and then jackknife powerbombing him through his own luggage. And then the guy was like, what's wrong with you? And left.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I actually can't just attack.

[Jay Oakerson]

You can't just attack your openers, Bobby. It's not how it works.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't do it to Feeney and I because I knew he wasn't anything. I knew he didn't do anything except influencer videos. But I thought Cannon was a wrestler. I thought he was into wrestling. So I was like, I. I grabbed him. I was like, come on, I want to feel your strength. And he was like, what? And then I went to grab and I threw him and it was like, what do you doing And I was like, oh, I thought you were a wrestler. He goes, no, why would you think that?

[Jay Oakerson]

But also, you just go, I thought you were a wrestler. And so I attacked you.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

You invited him to a gig to perform with you. This isn't how you behave with people.

[Big J Okerson]

But it is true. I do understand what Bob is saying. You like to have a little nano on mano, shoving, playing games. That's how he used to be, you know, growing up.

[Robert Kelly]

Big J doesn't do that. Big J puts on music, smokes a little. Big J's a hippie guy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but if you say no, Big.

[Big J Okerson]

J is wasting that size.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

By not doing. If I was Big J's size, every comedian from my general, from his generation would be like, yeah, he's a good gabby. Kind of acts like a dick sometimes. He pushes me in my neck.

[Robert Kelly]

I agree. He's wasting his size.

[Jay Oakerson]

So you're telling me Colin Quinn. Colin Quinn and Jimmy Martin Martinez are the two menaces of the comedy community?

[Robert Kelly]

You know what? That's a good. That's a good way of putting it.

[Big J Okerson]

The stupid thing I ever did. Gary Goldman lived in my building once, and I just saw him and I just said that Gary's a big football player. You know, it pisses you off. You're not that big. You know, you're not that big. You want to be that big.

[Jay Oakerson]

So I just go up to a.

[Big J Okerson]

Nice push, like, try to push Gary, and I guess he's used to that kind of high game, and he just get like a little, like a little annoying smile on his face and just pushed me, and I went flying across slightly irritated.

[Jay Oakerson]

And that's what he's been waiting for you to do all these years. Bobby, he was part of Boston. Guy would fight back instead of letting Colin beat him up every five seconds.

[Robert Kelly]

I did fight. We fought. I fought back. I think I beat.

[Jay Oakerson]

Also. He said that he. He beat you to having to give up in Japan.

[Robert Kelly]

You're such a rat.

[Jay Oakerson]

You said that.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I know, but you're just a little rat.

[Jay Oakerson]

You said he had. That's why he said he had you pinned down and you had to. And you had to say, I give up.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I think you said give up.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's not what you just said to everybody in here, though.

[Robert Kelly]

In Japan, I did win. Did I win?

[Big J Okerson]

It still pisses me off.

[Robert Kelly]

I told you. Guess what?

[Big J Okerson]

For a rematch with that loud mouth.

[Robert Kelly]

What? What?

[Jay Oakerson]

I said.

[Big J Okerson]

You're asking. I said tell that story that way. You're asking for a rematch?

[Jay Oakerson]

Damn right. That is also Colin, just so you know. I said. I said, you're afraid of Colin. I said, I didn't realize that Colin could beat the out of you. And Bobby said, no, no, I could beat the out of Colin. I just wouldn't. Listen, it's on air. We have it recorded.

[Robert Kelly]

Listen. Don't. I listen. Don't let this.

[Jay Oakerson]

You just said it on a recording.

[Robert Kelly]

Don't let this little 2 ton Tessie get us into a problem, all right? This little fat Philly girl is here with his little pink lipstick and his fucking mittens trying to get us into a fight. We don't want that. All right? This Uber to an Uber to an Uber who hasn't been outside his fucking apartment doesn't know how the streets work. Okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

How did the streets work? You tell people that your friend has. You could beat the shit out of your own friend.

[Robert Kelly]

I said, man, Colin, listen, we can't fight anymore. We're too old. You had a heart attack. I'm about to have one. It's not going to happen.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he's had a heart attack. You're due.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm due for something. I'm due to be next.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I think just.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Me and Bobby figured all this out.

[Jay Oakerson]

Me and Bobby are both knocking on the door of what the doctors call a cardiac event.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, well, listen, I love you guys.

[Jay Oakerson]

Love you.

[Robert Kelly]

Talk to you later. Bye, guys.