
With Big Jay off on a secret gig, Ari Shaffir enters like a wrecking ball and takes a personal phone call on the air. Andrew Dice Clay is on his phone and proceeds to spread Christmas cheer to the gang! Bobby revisits his Cuban vacation with Ari, arguing over things they already argued about while on the trip. Things get heated and voices get raised. They clarify their stories about bathing Gypsies, dangerous ghettos, losing cigars, and Santeria. Bob gives out Pivens while Jay is away. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf
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Big J Okerson
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Christine
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Christine
And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.
Big J Okerson
Very special guest coming in. Was it Monday? Monday. You excited, Jacob?
Jacob
I love him.
Christine
Yeah.
Jacob
I think he's great. You got me in there.
Big J Okerson
I do, Yeah. I always mess his name up, though.
Jacob
Stephen Wilson Jr. Yeah.
Big J Okerson
Because they always have these three things, you know, like Junior, Jimba, Jba, Steven Wilson, J. He's actually. I found him on Instagram. Find a lot of music on Instagram that are very. I follow this one guy that has a song called I'm. I'm Square. It's very bad. But I can't stop watching him. He sings the same song in different places all over the world, and he's ridiculously awful, but I can't stop. And I sing it around the house and it makes Don violently angry. I am a square. I think it's called look at Christine. Are you looking it up? No, it's on Instagram. You know what? Effort. Pivot out of the gate. How's that, Christine? How do you feel? It feels nice. That's right. Out of the gate, you got a pivot. That's right. Pose for Lou. You, you, and you. You are even. Now you're up A pivot. First pivot of the show, too, by the way. You're goddamn right you're good. I think I've only been negative. You've never been. Yeah, yeah. That's why you don't get Pippins, because you're always negative. I just trying to make you out to sound like a real fucking scummy slob. I mean, I don't know if I do it, but you kind of. You know what I mean? But I'm trying to. I'm trying to help you out. Maybe if we give you a pivot out of the gate, we get it going. He's coming in on Monday and he's going to be singing. We're just trying to figure out if we're going to be in studio or going to be over there in the other studio. But I'm very excited. I love this music. I love meaningful music. I am a sappy old man. I love being in the car and just thinking of my dad that I met five times.
Jacob
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
Maybe he's listening to it, too. Maybe he'll call me up. I just found out where he lives, too. And his street. My mother gave me a street. I'm for real. Yeah. Isn't that weird? Should I go drive by it with Max? No, I'm not going to call him. But what I say to him.
Jacob
Hi, Dad. I don't know.
Big J Okerson
You just made me cry.
Jacob
It's your boy, Bobby.
Big J Okerson
Oh, God. This is your grandson, Max. No, I'm not doing that. Can you imagine if I did that?
Jacob
I don't. I wouldn't know how to handle it. Where is he in this state?
Big J Okerson
He's in Boston. He's in Massachusetts. Yeah. We got a great show today. Jay is not here, unfortunately. It's just sad looking at the chair without him in there with his leg up and his calf out and his fingernails. I never thought I'd say it. I miss them. I miss the fingernails. But we do have a very special guest coming in. The great Ari Shafir, my travel buddy. My travel. My travel brother is coming in. Yes, that's right. He is Jewish. I'm sorry. He is a Jew. He really is, man. He is as Jewy as they come. But there he is. Speaking of. Speaking of what?
Andrew Dice Clay
A Jew.
Christine
These tourists.
Big J Okerson
It's not the tourists. It's because.
Christine
Kill them all.
Andrew Dice Clay
Bobby.
Big J Okerson
No, listen. Settle down, you.
Christine
The Christians.
Big J Okerson
Don't. No, don't come in with this.
Christine
The Muslims.
Big J Okerson
No, they're not even here. Will you settle down?
Christine
They didn't help. Where's the Suicide bombing when you need one.
Big J Okerson
Settle down.
Christine
You need a suicide bombing. Clear it out.
Big J Okerson
It's Christmas time. It's not the time for this.
Christine
Christmas comes but once a year. Christmas cheer and Christmas beer. Christmas comes but once a mail Mer. Kill them all.
Big J Okerson
Look how excited you are. You're so excited.
Christine
I got a memory of you coming in on Ona a long time ago.
Big J Okerson
All right, take a breath. Take a breath. I mean, seriously, nobody wants to hear you hyperventilating. Yeah. Have a sip of water. Relax.
Christine
Hold on. Let's turn this. Crank this, crank this wet. Let's do some asmr.
Big J Okerson
I'll do a little, too. Ready? Anyways. Yeah, they had the. She's got. We've got to tell you, the Christmas tree lighting is tonight. And there was an assassination.
Christine
I was hoping for one. I didn't see any.
Big J Okerson
There was assassination today across the street.
Christine
South Korean leader.
Big J Okerson
No, right across the street. It was the CEO of a huge insurance company of the ones where they.
Christine
Do the dancing on the.
Big J Okerson
On the piano.
Christine
Who's that guy?
Big J Okerson
Stop banging on the.
Christine
Who's the guy who does the dancing on the piano?
Big J Okerson
I don't like your energy.
Christine
You guys know what I'm talking about.
Big J Okerson
Settle. Look at me. Look at me.
Christine
Jerry Lee Lewis.
Big J Okerson
Look at me. Look at me. Settle down in big.
Christine
He's dancing on the piano.
Big J Okerson
Robert Tom Hanks.
Christine
No. And there's a store. There's a store right here.
Jacob
FAO Schwarz.
Christine
FAO Schwartz. I'm the president of FAO Schwartz. Jim Schwartz got killed.
Big J Okerson
No.
Christine
By.
Big J Okerson
No.
Christine
Hamas extremists.
Big J Okerson
No.
Christine
Who were looking for a stronghold in New York City.
Big J Okerson
No. No. It was a billionaire. No. A billion dollar insurance company. The CEO walking in. They knew what Dory was going in. They knew what time he was going there. And the guy pulled up behind him, mask. He had a silencer on the gun.
Christine
Oh, nice.
Big J Okerson
And just shot him and jumped on a Citi Bike City Bike.
Christine
That's what I did. But there's no docs.
Big J Okerson
There's no docs.
Christine
They're all blocked off. I ripped the thing off. And they go, oh, no, we're going further away. I'm going to Sirius.
Big J Okerson
I feel like I'm dealing with Max right now. Why are you so pumped up?
Christine
Hyper. The guy made the wrong turn. He goes, oh, I don't know. Yeah, because you're supposed to go up top.
Big J Okerson
Who takes an Uber at fucking rush hour during Christmas to the tree?
Christine
It should do. What am I gonna do? Take a bike?
Big J Okerson
This is Rockefeller Center. Jump on the train you're here in five seconds.
Christine
No, it's the same amount of time I saw.
Big J Okerson
It is not the same. I got here in three minutes from the West Village.
Christine
I wasn't coming from there.
Big J Okerson
Well, you're coming from the East Village.
Christine
You could have walked two trains.
Big J Okerson
Well, you can.
Christine
Two trains and a 15 minute walk to get there.
Big J Okerson
It's not a 15 minute walk. You take two.
Christine
I looked, Bob. I looked at the difference. 30 minutes, 28 minutes.
Big J Okerson
And how.
Christine
And I had to do.
Big J Okerson
How long take you to get here?
Christine
Much more.
Big J Okerson
Exactly.
Christine
Well, I could have gone the wrong way in the f. We would have got even more.
Big J Okerson
You know what? The trains don't stop.
Christine
You know who. I saw that guy who assassinated Brian Thompson. And I was going to be like, hey. And he goes, I got to dock this bike. And I'm like, let me dock it, because it's more necessary for me right now.
Big J Okerson
I love when you. I love when you just do make. I love it. You do. Make believe. Black, blue.
Christine
Let's get a new football team.
Big J Okerson
This is it right here. Look, they got the video.
Christine
Yeah, this is.
Big J Okerson
This is him right here walking into the hotel during the tree lighting. No, they didn't light it yet. They're lighting it tonight. We're gonna go after. We're all going over the yarmulkes after.
Christine
Oh, nice.
Big J Okerson
All right, this is him walking up. He's going into. Right there. Boom. Oh, I mean, listen, that's. That's professional hit. I mean, that's professional.
Christine
They don't show the fall.
Big J Okerson
No, they don't show the full thing.
Christine
This video does not include graphic images. That's what they should say. We want the graphic images.
Big J Okerson
This guy. Watch. He's walking up where the bodyguards.
Christine
Where are the bodyguards?
Big J Okerson
No bodyguards.
Christine
What?
Big J Okerson
Boom. Boom. Boom.
Christine
Nice.
Big J Okerson
Nice.
Christine
This guy's taking a real chance. Let him walk further away. He's just like aiming.
Big J Okerson
He's a professional.
Christine
Go right up there.
Big J Okerson
He's a professional. He get somebody at 100 yards with that gun and he got. He actually. The gun got jammed and he knew how to unjam the gun.
Jacob
We say clear it.
Big J Okerson
Clear. Yes, we do. And it's not a silencer. It's a suppressor.
Jacob
Suppressor.
Big J Okerson
I apologize. Yeah, Gun. Gun enthusiasts like us.
Jacob
Yes.
Big J Okerson
Yeah. Guy just got whacked. And they're not even pretending like it.
Christine
Was a brazen target. Of course. Yeah, yeah, that's. That's an obvious one.
Big J Okerson
And I hate that people are like, good, good. He's an insurance guy. You shouldn't be Happy that someone got assassinated.
Christine
That's not the right world we want to live in.
Big J Okerson
No, It's Christmas. It's by the tree, by the way.
Christine
And I can do anything to the insurance companies. His wife is not being paid out as we speak. She's already like, can I get a claim? She goes. And they're like, you know the deal. Mrs. Thompson, police. Of all people, you should know, you're not going to see a dime.
Big J Okerson
You're not going to see a dime. But the guy beneath him is so happy today. You know he got that phone call.
Christine
Yeah. He goes, wow. Where was he? Walking. Oh, is that his normal. It was not.
Big J Okerson
It has to be an inside, because they knew the door he was going in. They knew when he was going to be there. So somebody who knew him knew the shit he was going to do. Actually had to tell somebody for this guy to know exactly. Who the fuck knows what door you're going to walk in at what time. Wow. Yeah.
Christine
Where's his bodyguard? He wasn't a billionaire. He was just.
Big J Okerson
No, the company's. The company's a billion dollar head of.
Christine
One of the nation's largest Health insurance. What? Which one?
Big J Okerson
United United Healthcare.
Christine
That's what I have. And then you go to Zocdoc and you go, okay, okay. They go, no, we don't take your insurance. You're on Metro. What do you mean? I put it in Zocdoc. They all can't use Zocdoc anymore. Well, how the am I supposed to find a insurance?
Big J Okerson
Did you. Did you snort coke today? Why are you so fucking crazy?
Christine
Three different ones.
Big J Okerson
This is not. This is not my travel buddy.
Christine
And then I go, I go, hey, if I go down there, am I gonna be fine? Like, should be fine? Didn't help me the last two.
Big J Okerson
I want to say something. Look at me. Look at me. You know, drain the swamp. Settle the fuck down. You're freaking me out. Look at me. I want. I want my travel buddy back, buddy.
Christine
I gotta. Want to go back. I don't wanna be here anymore.
Big J Okerson
Well, you don't like America?
Christine
Why do you have all these Jeremy pivot flyers?
Big J Okerson
You'll find out. Because if you settle down, you might get a pivot. Christine's got a pivot.
Christine
How'd you get a pivot?
Big J Okerson
Because she's.
Christine
She was assassinated ahead of insurance.
Big J Okerson
No, because she stays away. She brought. No, that's not. I'm not giving these away.
Christine
When Jay's away, the pivot will play.
Big J Okerson
She earned the pivot. She actually, I mentioned something and it was on the screen in two seconds.
Christine
Really?
Big J Okerson
Two seconds? Fecal seconds.
Christine
You are obsessed, Mr. Schmear.
Big J Okerson
You really are. What's wrong with you, dude? It is funny to me that you are a totally different guy traveling. Like, when you come back to the city, like podcast comedy standup, Ari. Totally different guy than I was with for seven days in Cuba. You in Cuba. You're a totally calm.
Christine
Yeah. Here there's no bike docks there. It's like. It's just a hurricane.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, these things happen. Well, people who don't. This is it right here.
Christine
There's Obama on stage.
Big J Okerson
I want to go over this with you. Really? This is real quick. You came to me, think two years ago, two years ago, and you said to me I was in COVID lockdown.
Christine
I had Covid in Lakeland, Florida, and this guy let me use his condo. It was a lovely time for my first Covid. I walked around the golf course at sunset, watched some herons. Anyway, I was planning my trip, and back to you, Bob.
Big J Okerson
You called me up and said, let's go to Cuba. And I said, I have a family.
Christine
You said, when I go, like eight. Eight. Wait, eight and a half days from now.
Big J Okerson
Eight and a half days. And I was like, I can't do that. I have responsibility.
Christine
You expressed desire to go, though. You're like, I did what? Like to.
Big J Okerson
But the only thing you have is a record collection and some incense. I have a son and a wife.
Christine
Wish I had incense. Well, you got some incense. God, I need some incense.
Big J Okerson
And I was like, dude, I can't. I can't just pick up. I can't just go to dawn. Hey, I'm going to Cuba next week.
Christine
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
With Ari.
Christine
Yeah. Well, you could if it was a dawn of a new era. I'll take that back. Five second rule. Drop. You got a drop.
Big J Okerson
I. I was almost going to give you a pivot for that, but then you know what? Your. Your confidence, your lack of confidence, maybe.
Christine
I got nothing. I got nothing.
Big J Okerson
You should have stuck to.
Christine
Glad Jay's gone.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, you called me. That's not nice. I wish Jay was here, you asshole. That's his girlfriend right there. She lives with him. She tells him everything. Keep it cool. I.
Christine
Does Jay take showers with his shirt on?
Big J Okerson
He showers in the dark. Shirt off, dark. He showers completely in the dark.
Christine
Wow.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, wow. He actually came to my house in my new shower. I have this light that changes to, like, green, blues, reds, and you can dim it. He was like, I want this light because I wouldn't have to shower in the dark. He can shower in a dim red light, which would be fantastic.
Christine
Yeah. Or he could just turn the light.
Big J Okerson
On the first time the lights have been on the studio. I can actually read the reads. No, you called me up, you said, I'm going to Cuba. I said, I can't do it. And I said, did I ask you to wait? I did.
Christine
No.
Big J Okerson
What I. What happened?
Christine
No, I said, you're like, I would love to go. I can't. And then I was like, all right, let me try to go. And then it was a little bit of like, how do you get to Cuba? Like, is there paperwork gotta fill out? And I was like, you know what? Mixed with. I gotta figure out how to do it, and I'd like to go with you.
Big J Okerson
I thought that was Lou. I was like, he's not bombing. He's telling a story.
Christine
Dice is gone. Should I tell him 100%.
Big J Okerson
Pick it up, Andrew.
Christine
I'm sorry. I'm on the bonfire with Bobby Kelly. So you can either talk or not, but I want to live.
Big J Okerson
Dice, how you doing?
Andrew Dice Clay
Oh, I was going to say, first of all, I think this is our first phone call ever.
Christine
Yeah, it's been out 20 years.
Andrew Dice Clay
Yeah, but now you're hitting the levels. You deserve the calls.
Christine
Oh, thank you.
Andrew Dice Clay
Yeah, now you're doing it, dog. That's it. So. And say hello to Bobby Kelly for me.
Big J Okerson
Hey, Dice. How you doing? Hey. Did I hit a level?
Andrew Dice Clay
Yeah, always.
Christine
You've been there. I just got there.
Andrew Dice Clay
Once you're on a TV show, you know, like you were before, you know, the COVID of Mad magazine screwed up, you know, you were doing great with that.
Big J Okerson
Thank you, man. Thank you so much.
Andrew Dice Clay
So you're doing your podcast right now?
Big J Okerson
Well, it's a radio show.
Christine
Sitting in for Big J.
Big J Okerson
It's a. We're on Sirius right now.
Andrew Dice Clay
Oh, okay. All right. So am I going through the speakers?
Christine
Yeah, you are.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, you go right through the speakers, into the microphone, out through the speakers. Why don't you come on the bonfire one time with me and Big Jack?
Andrew Dice Clay
I would love to.
Big J Okerson
Oh, great. All right. I'll get in touch with your people. I love my people.
Christine
Eleanor.
Andrew Dice Clay
Yeah.
Christine
Who's his people?
Andrew Dice Clay
It took Tony 11 years.
Christine
Tony Hinchcliffe.
Andrew Dice Clay
Yeah. To get me on his thing.
Christine
He finally got a T shirt. Tony got a T shirt.
Big J Okerson
I got.
Andrew Dice Clay
No, but I mean to do. To kill Tony, because I thought it was about murder and it wasn't. He just never understood it.
Christine
We were talking about great tour names. Luis Gomez has A tour name called the BRINGING Please bring five people tour. And then I realized I was just. I saw Dam Adonia wearing the Angelized Clay SMD Tour. I was like, what's smt?
Big J Okerson
That was.
Andrew Dice Clay
That was the original tour.
Christine
The Suck My Dick Tour.
Andrew Dice Clay
Suck My Dick Summer Tour.
Big J Okerson
It's only in the summer.
Christine
Gets too ripe in the winter.
Andrew Dice Clay
And you know what? You know, like. Like we talk about, you know, with the, you know, you're not supposed, like, you cancer. Back then, it was so free to just say whatever.
Christine
Yeah.
Andrew Dice Clay
And that's why a T shirt could say smd. And people go, yeah, I'm going to the Dice Suck my Dick summit.
Big J Okerson
All right?
Andrew Dice Clay
And nobody was going, oh, my God. How can you say that? You know?
Big J Okerson
Anyway, I think you can bring it back now, dude.
Christine
Yeah, you can remember now the chump's back.
Big J Okerson
People.
Andrew Dice Clay
You know, people could buy the T shirt off the. What is it?
Christine
Internet.
Andrew Dice Clay
The andrew dice play.com thing. Site.
Big J Okerson
I tell you what, I have a Dice T shirt I got. When I saw you at the Riviera, I actually got my T shirt and I still got it. One of my favorite T shirts, the Dice shirt.
Andrew Dice Clay
All right, all right. Well, yeah, but you didn't get it off the site.
Big J Okerson
No, I got it. I paid for it. You made me pay for it.
Andrew Dice Clay
T shirt.
Big J Okerson
No, I would love some of those on the site.
Christine
It's on the site.
Andrew Dice Clay
Do you have. Who's got the SMD shirt that's on the site?
Big J Okerson
I don't get that. I'll get that.
Andrew Dice Clay
Then there's the Big Shot sweatshirt.
Christine
The Big shot is what you need for now.
Big J Okerson
I'll get that. I'll get that.
Andrew Dice Clay
And it says, you know, like, ABC estimated 1988. Right, babe? Established.
Christine
Oh, oh, Established. Jingle balls.
Andrew Dice Clay
Isn't that the same thing? Doesn't that mean the same thing? Established and estimate.
Big J Okerson
No, no, no.
Andrew Dice Clay
All right, well, it says the EST 88.
Big J Okerson
You gotta.
Christine
You jingle my balls.
Big J Okerson
You gotta. You got a Christmas ornament?
Andrew Dice Clay
Yeah. Oh, you're looking at me.
Big J Okerson
You're looking at your site right now, Christine.
Andrew Dice Clay
Yeah, the Hanukkah ottoman.
Big J Okerson
No, the ornament.
Christine
It's not an ottoman. It's not an ottoman.
Big J Okerson
You know, the ornament you should have. A Hanukkah ottoman would be great.
Christine
So you can sit around.
Andrew Dice Clay
My mother was half a time. Bobby, shut up.
Big J Okerson
Jesus Christ.
Andrew Dice Clay
Italian? My father was Jewish. You don't know the situation, my friend.
Big J Okerson
I do. I know all about you, dude. I've been a fan for a long time.
Andrew Dice Clay
You would Say it.
Big J Okerson
All right. You're half Italian. You have Jewish.
Andrew Dice Clay
A peppage. The peppage, you know, you understand?
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Andrew Dice Clay
You even know what that means?
Christine
I don't know.
Big J Okerson
It's me. You want extra peppers on your Italian sub?
Andrew Dice Clay
No, it means wooden spoon.
Christine
Oh, like you're about to get beaten with one.
Big J Okerson
You're going to hit me with a wooden spoon?
Andrew Dice Clay
Well, sort of, yeah. It's got whatever, you know, shows up. It's got a lot of things. My sugar plum designed the whole thing with some guy and we gave it the Elvis look because of how obviously gorgeous I am.
Christine
I would love to see you playing Santa Claus and just spending 45 to 55 minutes in each household, like, no, you're great.
Andrew Dice Clay
You know, I. I gotta tell you, I gotta tell you, I might have to read this to you because. So the other night, I can't say the name or anything.
Christine
Obama.
Andrew Dice Clay
I see a friend of mine, I thought he put up a thing, you know, for Santa Claus. All right, are we, like, on the podcast thing or we radio?
Big J Okerson
It's a radio show. It's serious.
Andrew Dice Clay
This serious.
Big J Okerson
Serious. Same member could use language.
Andrew Dice Clay
Right?
Christine
Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Dice Clay
He posted. I thought he posted a thing to Santa Claus where, you know, Santa's asking, well, you know, you're nice. He's right. Nice. And all these little things Santa Claus needs to know about because, you know, depending on who use is and how you acted, you know, you get a gift or not. You understand?
Big J Okerson
Yeah, we get it.
Christine
All right.
Andrew Dice Clay
So I want you to hear what my comment was. Okay. So we could use a little language, right?
Big J Okerson
Yeah, go ahead.
Andrew Dice Clay
So I write to him. The comment was, see, this is what bothers me. I don't want somebody that's been nice. I imagine Santa doesn't either. Why. Why would. Why would you have a diamond bracelet? Why would he give you a diamond bracelet, a necklace for somebody that's been so nice? That's just bad business. I know that. You know, I'm trying to see the little. Right. I know that if I was flying around the world all night on a sled in the freezing cold with a bunch of reindeer when I come down the chimney with my big fat belly, carrying that big heavy bag over my shoulder, I want to see a nice big fat ass with a red thong up it, staring right in my direction, right at the chimney, you understand? When her big fat kicks are in the matching bra and I.
Christine
Who are you writing to?
Andrew Dice Clay
The bra hanging down, My friend. Right? This. This bracelet. You want this bracelet? Santa says, you want this watch on the other wrist, because Santa got his stucco stick ready to. Ready to bless. Blast up. Santa is getting ready to tear them fat, liquid lips apart, lady. Jingle balls, jingle balls. You know, I'm gonna shoot my moose juice all over that big fat ass of yours. And then you get the bracelet. You understand what I'm saying? I don't want to anything other than those big fucking tick ticks in that fat ass where you get nothing. So don't ever, ever say to me again that you're nice. I'm not looking for nice. It's freezing out, you dumb girl.
Christine
That's his line.
Andrew Dice Clay
Okay, so here's the punchline of the whole thing, guys. So my friend calls me up and he goes, are you just completely out of your mind?
Christine
I think you are.
Andrew Dice Clay
I go, why? Why? You didn't think it was funny? And he goes, you wrote that to my wife? You know, because as you can see when I'm reading, I don't see it too good.
Christine
Right?
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Andrew Dice Clay
It's tiny writings. And I go, what do you mean, your wife? He goes, it's her sight. And the note is from my daughter, who's nine years old. Well, how do I know she's using your name?
Christine
Well, she's still got to learn the lesson.
Andrew Dice Clay
Oh, God. But I couldn't help it. And he couldn't help but laugh either, you know, because I'm going, oh, my God. He goes, no, I took it down. I got rid of it right away, you know, And I said, so did I. But I had to keep it. I knew it would come in handy, like today.
Christine
There you go.
Andrew Dice Clay
I just can't tell you who it is. I mean, honestly, you know, I don't talk, you know, I mean, one time I bought her a bathing suit. So what? I. I felt that that's what she would look good in.
Christine
No, you know what?
Andrew Dice Clay
Yeah, because it was her birthday.
Christine
No, you can't buy a married woman a bathing suit.
Andrew Dice Clay
Well, he didn't. And I saw it first, so I said, I see her in this, you know? So I let him put up the money for the thing that they wrap around the sarong thing, you know?
Big J Okerson
Yeah, yeah.
Andrew Dice Clay
And. But I paid for the bathing suit because it was like, you know, 350, but I knew what she'd look like, you know what I mean? God forbid she ever sent me a picture.
Christine
She doesn't.
Big J Okerson
That's crazy. That's why.
Andrew Dice Clay
But he's like a cousin of mine, so, you know, it's blood.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, that makes a difference.
Andrew Dice Clay
You know what I mean?
Christine
Yeah, so.
Andrew Dice Clay
No, but you know Ari now. I nearly totally forgot. I want to do the. What's the name of your podcast you be tripping?
Christine
Ice Plug.
Andrew Dice Clay
Yes, but I think we should do it with Eleanor because the trip I would talk about is going to Australia. When we toured Australia.
Christine
100%. Let's do that. Dice, we are on air. I got to talk to you about this later. This is planning stuff.
Andrew Dice Clay
No, but when are we going to talk about it?
Christine
I'll call you. I'll call you as soon as I'm out of here.
Andrew Dice Clay
Oh, okay. I'll talk to you later. Take care, Bobby.
Big J Okerson
Happy Hanukkah. Merry Christmas. Bye, buddy.
Christine
I mean, dude, I wanted to hang up so bad. It was so funny. But I would be in. I'd be fucked for another 20 years. I just got out of the doghouse from 20 years ago.
Big J Okerson
Can't hang up. Look, he called me at two in the morning one night. Eleanor called me and said, Dice wants to talk to you. Two hours I just sat there and listened to him talk. And you can't.
Christine
He's calling Ambien as other characters just late at night. Oh, yeah, just ambient. Out he goes. This is. This is Tony. Like, who's Tony? He's like, shut up. Get the goods. And you just have to like hear him talking, this character for a while. Mike Black took the worst.
Big J Okerson
Listen, I have a friend that a.
Christine
Judge would call us randomly. Just Dice as a judge.
Big J Okerson
I have a friend that does chip when he comes over my house. So I know what it's like to have some fucking one of your friends lose his mind.
Christine
Autism would be what makes him the worst.
Big J Okerson
Well, here's the thing. When we went to. What are you looking at?
Christine
There's nobody sending them. You can't pass up a giant note, have me not look at it.
Big J Okerson
It's a fucking radio show. Just chill out. When work gets craz, I like to.
Christine
Stop by the bar after, have a few cold ones. I don't drink at all until 4:00.
Big J Okerson
We limit ourselves to one bottle of wine a night.
Christine
Excessive drinking has a way of sneaking up on us. A few drinks a few nights a week, it can add up. And suddenly we're at greater risk for long term problems like heart disease, cancer and depression. Reason enough to rethink the Drink more at rethinktodrink.com an OHA initiative at Metro.
Big J Okerson
Get an iPhone 12 with 5G and.
Andrew Dice Clay
A dual camera system on us.
Big J Okerson
Take amazing pictures and share them instantly.
Andrew Dice Clay
And don't put up with life's yada yada like photo bombers, zoom crop out.
Big J Okerson
Yada yada and bye. You don't take yada yada in life. Don't take yada yada from your wireless provider.
Andrew Dice Clay
Get iPhone 12 with 5G with no.
Christine
Activation fees and nada.
Big J Okerson
Yada yada Only at Metro by T.
Christine
Mobile Switch now bring your ID and.
Big J Okerson
Sign up for a Metro Flex plan offer not available if currently at T Mobile or been with Metro in the past 180 days.
Bobby Kelly
You know guys, when it's time to tame the mane, don't settle for just any cut head straight to Sport Clips Right now the pros in Men's Hair have you ever checked out a Sports Clips Bobby?
Big J Okerson
I haven't, but I'm very excited to check it out this weekend.
Bobby Kelly
Sport Clips is an amazing, amazing place and you can leave the Hail Marys for the football field because Sport Clips expert stylists always have the perfect game plan to give you an amazing cut and they always have sports on the TVs going the entire time. It's an amazing place. Fun guy Talk Bobby, you love guy.
Big J Okerson
Places, I love guy talk and I love manly alpha male places and this sounds like the best place for me.
Bobby Kelly
Absolutely. Sit back, watch some sports on the TV and let the pros get your hair back in action. Nothing says confidence like a great haircut. Nobody does great haircuts like Sport Clips. It's a game changer.
Big J Okerson
Are you holding back on travel plans this holiday break because you're afraid of a language gap? Well, no need to mind the gap if you have Babbel. I use Babel all the time. I just went to Cuba. It was so frustrating and not be able to ask for certain things. You know what? I just turned on my Babble app. All of a sudden I was speaking sentences saying good afternoon. I got to go in and say por favor queso which means please cheese. This app was amazing because it teaches you in a fun, relatable way that all of a sudden you just know words and they're in your lexicon. I'm learning Italian with my son. I put my whole family Babbel right now with a quick 10 minute lesson handcrafted by over 200 language experts, Babbel gets you talking in a new language just three weeks and with the advanced speech recognition by Babbel, it's like having a personal language tutor in your pocket helping you pronunciate whenever you open your mouth. I got Babbel. I hopefully know Spanish and Italian by the end of the year and I Already know a bunch of words. I know a couple swears, too. Not on there from the guy I met in Cuba. Here's a special holiday deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your babel subscription, but only for the bonfire with Big J ogerson and Robert kelly. Listeners@babel.com Bonfire get up to 60% off babbel.com Bonfire spelled B A B B L.com Bonfire rules and restrictions may apply. Tiamo, gracias. I'm telling you right now, I was panicking. First of all, let's just get to this part that I never talked about, okay? You actually said, I took care of the hotel, the casa. I took care of where we're going to stay and think, oh, I got that.
Christine
I told you is in your sent messages. No, the place I found it in your sent messages.
Big J Okerson
This is.
Christine
I told you to look for it. You sent messages. All the. All the casa stuff was there, right in your sent message.
Big J Okerson
But you sent me casas in the ghetto.
Christine
No, no, no. I said check your outbox. No, no, no, you're not that. Of course that one.
Big J Okerson
Sure.
Christine
If you look at his outbox. All the messages I sent to him in his outbox were the ones I found.
Big J Okerson
You found ones in the ghetto.
Christine
But then in your. In your outbox, you.
Big J Okerson
That's where I found the ones.
Christine
And I put them in your outbox. To me.
Big J Okerson
No address.
Christine
To me from you. I put them there.
Big J Okerson
I brought this up to Christina J. And they were like, you can't stay there. You have to stay in a nice place you should stay. And you look, this is you. And look, I know traveling with you, it's going to be dangerous. This is why I went with you. I didn't go with somebody who's just going to stay in the hotel and not do anything. I knew you going to want to go to weird places and take me to the edge of excitement and danger.
Christine
I knew that you had fucking baby goats on the side of the road.
Big J Okerson
I know. I knew all that going into this. But then you were like, I don't want to stay in the tour. I don't want this.
Christine
I didn't do it like that. I didn't do it like that. I go, well, we shouldn't be in the super touristy part of town. And you're like, maybe we should. And I go, yeah, okay.
Big J Okerson
No, you did not. That is a lie.
Christine
That's a good idea. Actually, you know what, Bob?
Big J Okerson
Check her out box that.
Christine
I think you'll see some great Choices.
Big J Okerson
Is a lie in your outbox. It is a lie. You went, I don't want to be around where everybody is. I don't want to be about a bunch of fat tourists.
Christine
Super tourists.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, that's what you said.
Christine
And it turns out we didn't want to be. They kept bothering us. You got scared. Every time somebody's like, ball, say ball, Say boss. Hey, guys, I'm doing impressions. Who can guess who it is? Ready.
Jacob
Bobby?
Christine
Yeah, Bobby, you're right. You got it. Oh, blacklist. Sorry. Did you have a guest, too?
Big J Okerson
It sounded like a Lewis J. Gomez. Thank you. It was like, Louis J. Gomez.
Christine
Well, you were wrong.
Big J Okerson
Yelling at Guest Digital employees. We got into the rigs five days a week. We need merch.
Christine
We should have a temperature for R, for E, for G, and for Z.
Big J Okerson
No, it's not. You just didn't want to be around where people are touristy.
Christine
Too touristy. You just want to go to some regular local places and just kind of, like, chill out, get some of those.
Big J Okerson
You wanted to stay with the locals, which is nuts. It's nuts where you wanted to stay.
Christine
That's where I wanted to stay.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, you wanted to stay. No, it's not even. You're not even lying to surprise what we're looking for. I'll tell you right now.
Christine
No, we never even got there.
Big J Okerson
What's the part of town you wanted to stay in? Over by the water. You wanted to be by the water?
Christine
No, no, the water. The whole thing. It's an island by the water.
Andrew Dice Clay
No.
Big J Okerson
What is that?
Christine
To narrow it down.
Big J Okerson
Because Havana.
Christine
The water.
Big J Okerson
Havana is in.
Christine
We were by the water.
Big J Okerson
We weren't in. Near the water. You wanted to stay on the water.
Jacob
Can I ask something like, you want.
Big J Okerson
To stay in Visario?
Christine
Yeah. Where is it?
Jacob
When you're talking about Cuba.
Christine
Yeah. Nice, bro. Nice pronunciation.
Jacob
Thank you.
Big J Okerson
Thank you.
Christine
You just gotta.
Big J Okerson
You just gotta get a pivot.
Jacob
Is there really such a thing as a. The touristy part?
Big J Okerson
Yes.
Jacob
You're not getting that many people in, are you?
Christine
Oh, yeah. So many. Really? Oh, it's just American tourists.
Big J Okerson
Yeah. You can't. Yeah, it's a lot of Germans, a lot of Europeans. A lot of. There's a lot of people over there. But he didn't want. You didn't want to stay in the touristy part. I came in here, they were like, listen, you can't stay there. You can't stand them. And then Don Vista del Mar, you wanted to say Vista del Mar, which is crazy. It's not near anything yeah, that's the problem.
Christine
It was too remote.
Big J Okerson
It was too remote. And in the get.
Christine
We couldn't get. No.
Big J Okerson
And I found a place on the perfect street. Did I not find the best place ever?
Christine
It was great.
Big J Okerson
It was perfect. It was on a street that had no traffic. It had cobblestone, historical section of Hafavana. I actually lied to you. I'm going to admit this now. I lied. I lied to you.
Christine
What?
Big J Okerson
Because you were like, I don't understand Havana. And I was like, it's not in Havana. Havana's across the. I said, havana.
Christine
Havana, viejo.
Big J Okerson
I said, it's in Havana. It's in a different part.
Christine
And I was like, really? It looks like. It looks like.
Big J Okerson
And I lied to you and you believed it. And. But it was. It was definitely downtown Havana. But that place was amazing, right?
Christine
Yeah. Oh, we thought about staying across with it. Yep. Anyway, we had a great time regardless. So it doesn't matter who lied to who.
Big J Okerson
Well, here's the thing.
Christine
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
Is that I. You said to me, I'm gonna. I'll take care of this. I'll book that. I'll pay for this. You're gonna take care of the flights?
Christine
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
Right. Yeah, Right. So the night.
Christine
Did I take care of everything?
Big J Okerson
No, you didn't.
Christine
I did.
Big J Okerson
You did not.
Christine
Delegated. My lack of effort made you step up. I handled that the morning I did that.
Big J Okerson
No, you didn't.
Christine
My lack of effort made dawn chip in because she got worried, which is my plan all along. No, force the people who can do the work to do the work.
Big J Okerson
This is what you did with the flights.
Christine
I am the House of Delegates.
Big J Okerson
This is what you did with the flights.
Christine
What?
Big J Okerson
You don't remember this, do you, pothead?
Christine
I do remember it. Bobby. I'm trying to deflect.
Big J Okerson
I know. I'm actually calling you. Wanted to call you a pothead. Can we just keep staying character? What the fuck? Don't get sensitive. The day, Sunday, we're in Miami doing a show that pays for the whole trip. I get a thing from Delta. Time to check in these talking Delta folks, man.
Christine
First they got Tyler Fisher. Now they got us.
Big J Okerson
He booked us on the wrong day to fly to Cuba the same day.
Christine
We flew to Miami and we were.
Big J Okerson
In first class going to Cuba. He booked us the same day when we went to Miami on Sunday.
Christine
What's with the attitude today?
Big J Okerson
I just.
Christine
Don't coming at me harsh. It's like you don't put me in a place of joining in. You put me on the defensive.
Big J Okerson
I apologize. Well, you came in hot today.
Christine
Yeah, but not against you. You're my friend. I would never do that to you.
Big J Okerson
I'm sorry. You're right. But it did. It did frustrate.
Christine
Like, I should get something in return. Yo, you're right.
Big J Okerson
That. That's a. That's a sympathy pivot.
Christine
That's n. He's got the new glasses on like yours.
Jacob
Sorry. It's kind of a big deal.
Big J Okerson
It's a big.
Jacob
When you get a pivot.
Big J Okerson
He felt good.
Christine
Levity live. In fact, there will be no levity that day.
Big J Okerson
So here's the thing with you, though. And you got to get Commend me because I freak out on travel. You know, I go to.
Christine
This was very good, what you did.
Big J Okerson
I go to the airport. Airport. Two hours early.
Christine
So long. When we went to Copenhagen, we did a music. A comedy festival in Copenhagen. And Bobby's like, hey, where are you? I'm like, what do you mean? He goes, I'm here at the lounge. Where are you? How close are you? I'm like, I haven't even started packing yet.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, it's like an hour and a half to the flight.
Christine
Two and a half hours. You're like, no, I get here three. I'm like, oh, bro, I'm not. I'm not even feeling rushed yet.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, you showed up at the flight with 15 minutes left.
Christine
Great.
Big J Okerson
Yeah. I don't do that. That freaks me out.
Christine
No. Waste of time.
Big J Okerson
I am at the flight. I'd rather be in the lounge, relaxed.
Christine
How many times I've missed a flight.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, I do.
Jacob
Are you. Not a once.
Christine
And you know why I missed that flight? Because I stopped at Pizza Hut to get a pizza. I made it. Then I said. And I was like, what? You closed the gate like a 15 minutes.
Big J Okerson
It stresses me out so bad. It freaks me out, buddy.
Christine
Live on the edge.
Big J Okerson
I don't want to live on the edge like that.
Jacob
But I did use the lounge.
Christine
What do you use.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, for 10 minutes.
Christine
No, it's back then I don't. Yeah, for 10 minutes. I don't use a lounge. Yeah, go out of the way to go. I want to get there. I want to see. When I check a bag, I want to see the. The lady checking me in. Look at her watch and go, okay, but you gotta.
Big J Okerson
You gotta tell close.
Christine
I want to be.
Big J Okerson
Listen, this is the thing, though. That day, when you said. When I said, hey, bro, you fucked up.
Christine
You fucked up.
Big J Okerson
No, you made it on the wrong day. I didn't do that.
Christine
Hold on new impression. Guys.
Big J Okerson
It'S still Louis. It's Louis. Christine, I didn't even do that.
Christine
Let's take a call or see if they can guess that one.
Big J Okerson
Listen, here's the deal. I fucking. I didn't do that. I actually was like. You said, I got it, and I just let it go.
Christine
Like, I'll take care of it.
Big J Okerson
And you go.
Christine
We got a caller.
Big J Okerson
No, we don't have a caller.
Christine
Listen, hey, caller, I have a question for you. See if you can tell who this impress so you can tell this impression is. Okay. It's me talking. I'm talking to someone on the phone, and then I'm like, all right, I'll take care of it. And they're like.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Christine
Any ideas? They hung up. They didn't want to say it.
Big J Okerson
Listen, I handled myself perfectly. I went into this going, I am not gonna flip out.
Christine
You didn't.
Big J Okerson
Ari is a crazy person when he does travel stuff. I'm gonna go with the flow. Yeah, right. And I did.
Christine
You did. You're like, whatever. Swapped us. We're good.
Big J Okerson
You swapped us. Not first class.
Christine
It was an hour flight.
Big J Okerson
Okay. Okay. But we got on the flight. We got to the thing. We got to the casa. We were all happy. It was amazing. When we got there, it was.
Christine
Still feel like you're coming at me.
Big J Okerson
No, I'm not coming at you. I'm not. Yeah, I'm not. I had. I tell you right now.
Christine
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
We land, we put our bags down, and we just went walking. Can I be honest with you?
Christine
Immediately, it was great.
Big J Okerson
Terrified. I was terrified the whole time.
Christine
Yeah. You got to be your first time in a new country. You got to be worried people are gonna scam you, get you. And they did.
Big J Okerson
It was. It was not.
Christine
All this and more is covered in. You be tripping out. December 16th. This episode will be out this week will be some Afghani, you media mogul. And then the week after that, Robert Kelly.
Big J Okerson
But we. But the thing was is that you just go, dude, you don't even like.
Christine
What are they gonna do, kill me? My life's worth nothing.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, mine is.
Christine
Oh, yeah.
Big J Okerson
I have a son. I have a. I have my wife.
Christine
You got insurance?
Big J Okerson
I don't have insurance.
Christine
Oh, smart. Don't incentivize Max to take care of it. Crisscross keeps telling me, crisscross. Where's crisscross? Me? He goes, you solve my problem, I solve yours. I'm like, I don't have a problem.
Big J Okerson
All these kids kept coming up to me, and I was like, should I. I'm gonna give him a couple. He goes, don't give him anything. Anything.
Christine
Don't give them anything. They'll swarm. You know that now.
Big J Okerson
They'll swarm. But that wasn't it. You were like, you're gonna incentivize them not to. You're gonna incentivize them to be bums.
Christine
Their whole life to not go to school.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, I'm pretty sure they might need some food and water to make it to school.
Christine
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
But, yeah, we were there. You. We. We took off the first day we were in the hood, like, immediately.
Christine
I'm trying to remember the first day.
Big J Okerson
First day we had the guy take. Take us in the cigar lounge. And then the lady took us to Voodoo.
Christine
What a bomb. Yeah, we went.
Jacob
Cigar lounge. Is it like here or.
Big J Okerson
I mean, no, this one was.
Christine
But it's more like a bar slash factory. We just kind of.
Big J Okerson
No, the first one, we went to the. No, there's like a little mall. They have, like.
Christine
Not my vibe. Wasn't my vibe. I was like, let's move on.
Big J Okerson
Yeah. No, your vibe is.
Christine
Yeah, I got robbed.
Jacob
This isn't the Santeria apartment.
Christine
Yeah. Then we went to the center, which was my vibe.
Big J Okerson
We actually went to one of the nicest cigar lounges I've ever been to. You can get cappuccinos, you can get food. It is. Is beautiful. They have every cigar there. But we didn't do that.
Christine
I'm not going to take the first thing presented to me. I'm like, all right, we know. Let's put a pin in that. I'm going to put a pin in a guy.
Big J Okerson
I hate it when you said that.
Christine
Put a pin in that.
Big J Okerson
Kept saying, put a pin in.
Christine
We got. We come right back. Put a pin in that.
Big J Okerson
I'm sitting there. I walked into the cigar lounge. The nicest Cuban cigars ever. The vibe was a great. And I'm like, this. He's like, nas, isn't it? Let's just. Let's keep walking. And I was like.
Christine
It was like a tourist spot. But we did find the one I wanted eventually. The H. Upman place.
Big J Okerson
We did.
Christine
My place was the one. That was the vibe after. We just had to find it after we got robbed of 140 Canadian dollars. All this and more on you be trippin at 98.113 subscribers. We'd love to get up to 100, 000. Speaking of subscribers on YouTube, Bobby Kelly has a new YouTube page where he's home for his standup. It's Robert Kelly Live. YouTube.com obertkelly Comedy so let me ask you a question. Yeah.
Big J Okerson
Were you scared at all that first day?
Christine
Dude, I'm frightened always.
Big J Okerson
You?
Christine
Everywhere I go, I'm living in fear constantly.
Big J Okerson
So you were scared that day. You didn't seem afraid at all.
Christine
Oh, quite afraid. But I go with the flow.
Big J Okerson
What the fuck is the flow?
Christine
You get thrown off of a surfboard. You just kind of, like, roll with it.
Big J Okerson
Listen, a surfboard, you land in water. In Cuba, you land dead.
Christine
Yeah. No, but no violence. It's not that they'll go to jail. They're just going to rob us. Let's go with the flow. And we did.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Christine
What? Nothing happened.
Big J Okerson
Nothing happened.
Christine
But I love when my friends tell me an example of how things can happen when they present to me something that didn't happen.
Big J Okerson
Well, we do.
Christine
They're always doing that. Rogan's always doing that, too.
Big J Okerson
Oh, look, look.
Christine
What could have happened? Like, nothing happens. Like, see how close it was? I'm like, it didn't happen. This is an example of nothing happening.
Big J Okerson
Well, we did wind up in a guy's house with voodoo and a motorcycle. Yeah.
Christine
Crystal ball.
Big J Okerson
And you didn't even. You didn't. You don't even clock a room. We walk in.
Christine
Yeah, that's the place to buy cigars. They confiscated those cigars on the way back, and we smoked half of them. We did smoke half.
Big J Okerson
They were garbage.
Christine
They were great. During the. We were like, I don't want to waste a full cigar during the hurricane. Let's smoke one of these Santeria cigars.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, it was made out of foot flakes.
Christine
Yeah, they had a lot of foot fungus on there.
Big J Okerson
It was. Well, I. Look, he's over there negotiating with this guy getting ripped off.
Christine
Ripped off. Can you just rip me off her leg? Yes.
Big J Okerson
I look in the corner, and I look, and there's just a shrine to Satan in the corner.
Christine
I'm waiting for Bobby, the man of the group, to get me out of there, and he's just going like, enjoy.
Big J Okerson
There's literally a shrunken head in the corner, and then there's a curtain that they didn't show you. There's something under that. And I. I immediately started panicking.
Christine
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
And you're like, can you do 200 Canadian?
Christine
I was like, no, no, I don't. I just want, like, two to get us on the way. The guy's like, okay, I'm not get. I'm like, you're literally not getting out of here with less than 10. So let's talk.
Big J Okerson
He. You wanted two cigars. You got to buy a box. I thought it was down to 2. And then he brought you back up to 10, and then you paid him just to get the.
Christine
Just to get out of there. Really? I was like, here's 140Canadian. I just want to leave. Can you just let me go?
Big J Okerson
I walked out. I left you in there. I just left.
Christine
Yeah, we made out a little bit.
Big J Okerson
What?
Christine
I mean, him and I made out a little bit.
Big J Okerson
The guy, strong.
Christine
Strong arms, strong lips. You know what I'm saying, Jacob? You know what I'm talking about.
Big J Okerson
But then we walked. We walked, buddy.
Christine
This is all gonna be on the podcast in eight, nine days. 10, 11 days.
Big J Okerson
So you don't want to talk about Cuba?
Christine
I mean, we talked about it on this podcast coming up.
Big J Okerson
I know the podcast.
Christine
Upload your footage. Yeah.
Jacob
You know, your trip.
Big J Okerson
Look at him.
Jacob
You just go, there's another hurricane, another.
Christine
Black chick I've ever danced with. There's another. Yeah, there was an earthquake right after we left.
Big J Okerson
There was a day after we left. No, today was it, dude.
Christine
I decided if I ever get a. What do they call it? An audience. Oh, three weeks with Donald Trump. I'm gonna ask him to end the embargo. I'm gonna bypass Gaza. I'm gonna. No, no, I know. You're expecting me to say in the Gaza, Israel war. Those gardens need to rape, so you got to let them rape. That's who they are. You got to let them. You got to let them cut a baby out of a womb before a rape. But this embargo, it's got no place. We got to end that.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, but the embargo. The embargo with them, we kind of have to keep it up.
Christine
Cuba?
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Christine
Why?
Big J Okerson
Because.
Christine
Good answer.
Big J Okerson
It's a community. It's a communist country, dude.
Christine
So what we could do. We don't have to bargain with China.
Big J Okerson
Huh?
Christine
We don't have a bargain with China.
Big J Okerson
We kind of do, but some things.
Christine
You know, they make all our stuff.
Big J Okerson
They're 13 miles off our border.
Christine
Yeah. No, we're good. Let's end it.
Big J Okerson
Yeah. For the cigars.
Christine
Yes. Number one for the cigars.
Big J Okerson
For sure.
Christine
The sugar plantain. Oh, I went for a Hugo de Kanye. I was like, oh, they got sugar juice here.
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Christine
And she was like, no, we're out of it.
Big J Okerson
When did you go for a. Oh.
Christine
Yeah, I stopped him for a second. I was like, I saw a sign. Who? And they're like, that's from the 80s or extra sugar cane.
Big J Okerson
My favorite thing was the cafe bonbon.
Christine
Oh, I introduced you to those.
Big J Okerson
But when we did the. We did the drag show.
Christine
Dense milk, shot of espresso, condensed milk at the bottom.
Big J Okerson
It was so good.
Christine
Oh, we would cafe bonbon. You got to get them.
Big J Okerson
I had, like, five cafe bonbons with the drag show.
Christine
Fuck it. Oh, the drag show.
Big J Okerson
And I thought you were actually singing in Spanish. I was so proud of you. Just reading off the wall.
Christine
See the wall? It was directly to his. Like, he couldn't quite see it. I was over there. He was like, damn, you're dead on.
Big J Okerson
Yeah. And I only stop going like that once, which was fantastic.
Christine
We got to correct that.
Big J Okerson
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't take it out.
Christine
Look away.
Big J Okerson
It's not even O giant penis.
Christine
All right, Christine, you're back in.
Big J Okerson
It's the worst. Yeah, your balls and your dick are the worst.
Jacob
It really looks like a step. And repeat. It looks front of his penis. It looks behind his penis.
Big J Okerson
You know what it looks like an old reindeer. An older, like, retired reindeer. Yeah, it looks like just a sick reindeer that. Yeah, it's gross. It's gross. But I only saw it once on the whole trip, which I was so happy about because I thought I was gonna see you. Yeah. You walked into my room at one point.
Christine
Yeah. Dick out.
Big J Okerson
Just naked.
Christine
I love when you're like, like, doing something. I was like, bobby, Bobby. And you're like, ah. Just that glance up and, like, registers off.
Big J Okerson
I did get you into my. My fun travel game that you loved.
Christine
I hated it.
Big J Okerson
You loved it. I. We do a travel game where I do it with Max, where you have to get the other person to say, what? And then you go, one, nothing. And I got him into it, and we played it so into it.
Christine
We were fully like, the problem is, what is a common word? So, like, you just say it. No, no. You have to finish a sentence with it. You know the rules. And it. So you get to the point where somebody's talking and they're kind of mumbling, and you'd want to know what they're saying, but you're like, I won't say anything. And then eventually we just started ignoring each other. You couldn't hear it if there's any loud noise. It was like, I'm not going to ask you to repeat yourself. I'm just done.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, but, you know, you did.
Christine
Huh?
Big J Okerson
Nice try, dude.
Christine
I couldn't say that. Word. For like, a week and a half, I got back. Every time I was around anybody, I'd be like, come again.
Big J Okerson
Dude?
Christine
I got. Max was so good. Max called, and I was like, hey, buddy. He loves me, you know? So I was like, hey, buddy, how you doing? Is it good? Good. I was like, did he tell you what we're doing? And he goes, what? I go, one, nothing. He goes, put my father back on the phone, please.
Big J Okerson
No. He goes, it's an international.
Christine
International one, nothing.
Big J Okerson
But here's the thing. Now, we did this trip. It was terrifying at points. I mean, legitimately, the. The hurricane came through. It went from a tropical storm to a category one to a two to a three.
Christine
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
And then we lost power. We lost water.
Christine
We lost water. We had a fat Romanian taking baths with limited water.
Big J Okerson
It was crazy.
Christine
Gypsies, dude. They don't care about anybody.
Big J Okerson
The night of the hurricane, we were out in the little terrace in the middle, and we were just hanging out. All of a sudden, we didn't even know this woman was next to us. This gypsy woman comes out, comes out.
Christine
She's been there for two days.
Big J Okerson
She's been there for two days. She. She comes out with salami, just a stick of salami she brought, shitting on everything possible.
Christine
Oh, Romanian salami is great. Romania salami is shit. Everything in this country is shit. There's no good food. Like, have you been out? No. Oh, well, we're gonna go enjoy ourselves.
Big J Okerson
Her body was wild because she was fat, skinny fat, and then skinny again and then fat again.
Christine
She was like, dude, I. I said gypsy on stage in Romania, and the crowd clammed up. Like, I had said the N word with, like, seven hard Rs at the end. Like, they were just like, what did you just say? And I was like, what just happened here? I didn't know. It's their. It's the most hated group in Europe, the Gypsies. Oh, yeah. In Spain, they'll openly go, not allowed.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, she was actually. She was actually living in Scotland.
Christine
She was cool living.
Big J Okerson
She was all right. You hated her, though.
Christine
No, I didn't like her taking up all the bath water. Literally. It's like limited water. They go, you should be okay for a day or two. Just, like, take real quick showers. She's bathing. It's like, we're out of hot. Run it again. Anyway, great trip, though. We should go somewhere else.
Big J Okerson
It was a fantastic.
Christine
I'll lead us a bonfire tour somewhere.
Big J Okerson
They're not going to, like, Belize. They'll never go. They'll never go.
Jacob
Where would you go next?
Christine
Just let me plan it.
Big J Okerson
They'll never go.
Christine
Direct flight is the rule. They'll be direct flight. Serious will pay, Jack. And serious pay for it.
Big J Okerson
They're never going to go.
Christine
Why not?
Big J Okerson
Because Christine and Jay are not going to stay in a hall. They're not. If it's not a pool. If there's not, there'll be a pool of tears. No, they're not going to go. They're not going to go. They're not going to go. None of them are going to go. You wouldn't go? No. No, they're not going to go.
Christine
Wow. Well, guess what? It was going to be the Amalfi coast, so you all missed out.
Big J Okerson
We should plan where we're gonna go. Yeah, where do you think we should go? Does it have to be dangerous?
Christine
No, Cuba wasn't dangerous.
Big J Okerson
Dude. It's not.
Christine
No, Haiti's dangerous.
Big J Okerson
Okay, I understand what you're saying, Doctor.
Christine
Is more dangerous than Cuba.
Big J Okerson
It's not dangerous, but the danger feeling is always danger feelings there. And it's. It's dirty and it looks dangerous. And every male there looks like they're going to murder you. They don't smile. Are you crazy?
Christine
Let's go to Nigeria. Because if you want to find good weed.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, I don't smoke weed.
Christine
Or the answer.
Big J Okerson
How about this? We go to Morocco.
Christine
Dude, I'm in. You go to Morocco, you're saying no danger. I'm gonna mention, like, you look weird today. You can see a monkey pod. Just go like that. And I'm like, oh, game on.
Big J Okerson
Is Morocco dangerous?
Christine
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
Oh, all right. Let's not go there. But also, it looks so beautiful.
Christine
No, it's. It's. Oh, Chef Shaolin. I want to go there bad.
Big J Okerson
That looks beautiful.
Christine
Bluetown.
Big J Okerson
I would do that. Let's do that. We'll go to lamb Alley. You ever go to. You ever hear a lamb alley where.
Christine
They slaughter the lambs?
Big J Okerson
No, it's just this alley where they have lamb. They. Oh, they have just lamb that you can eat. Lamb alley. Yeah, they have Lamb Alley.
Christine
It's better than my moons. No rats.
Big J Okerson
No.
Christine
Yeah. Mexico told me once they go talking about moons, there's rats coming out all the time. Like, that's quiet.
Big J Okerson
Actually, this place, Morocco, and that was where Hollywood was back in the day. That was like the second Hollywood. They used to film all Casablanca. They filmed all the movie. They have a big studio out there. They used to film all kinds of stuff.
Christine
A cigar in studio.
Big J Okerson
What's that?
Christine
Let's Smoke a cigar in studio.
Big J Okerson
I brought you a cigar.
Christine
Let's smoke one in studio.
Big J Okerson
Why did you. Why did you not check your cigars on the way back?
Christine
I didn't check anything.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, that's for you.
Christine
I didn't check. No, buddy.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, I gave you a Monte Cristo number two.
Christine
Wow.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, that was great. Went to the Hotel National.
Christine
No, I didn't check anything.
Big J Okerson
I know. You should have just checked your bag.
Christine
Well, I didn't realize till later that when he was like, check anything. Like, not just this. And he goes, okay, we're gonna. That means you have it on you, right? I should have been like, yeah, I got a bag.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, no, you shouldn't have said that. You should have just checked your bag. Just check it. They don't. They don't care. Just check it. And when they go, do you have anything? You go, no. And they go, okay, go. Yeah, yeah, you. You actually took cigars and.
Christine
But no, but if they had. Like, we're searching it. They go, okay, get your bag and go into the customs.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, but they're not. They're just going to take your stuff. You're not going to go to jail for.
Christine
The thing is, too. I wouldn't go to jail. Regardless. The thing is, too, it was. I should have just said, these aren't. These aren't Cuban.
Big J Okerson
That's what I told you. You have no band, you have no.
Christine
I have no bandwidth.
Big J Okerson
I told you new information. You have no bands on them. Just telling me a Nicaraguan. That's it. That's why I brought a tatuaje with me. I put it in the bag with my Cubans. So if they did open, I'd be like, Nicaraguan. We're gonna do a DNA test on tobacco. No, I got all my Cubans back. Back, though. Yeah, I know this. Fantastic.
Christine
Nice, buddy.
Jacob
So you checked yours? That's why.
Christine
Yeah, but he was also expecting have opened his bag. No, they're all gone. It was a 50. 50 shot. We really didn't know.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, I didn't know, but I knew I'd have a. A better chance if I checked the. The cigars than just throwing. And the guy was like, do you have anything? He's like, yeah.
Christine
I was like, just these?
Big J Okerson
Yeah.
Christine
He goes, okay, go check more. I'm like, no, no, just these.
Big J Okerson
I said, yeah, you actually told him he had cigars. But the. No.
Christine
He was like, all right. Going for secondary screening. Oh, no need. I just got these. These are allowed, right? Because you're deflecting. It's not gonna work. Okay, fine. Those end just this.
Big J Okerson
It's so funny, though. We didn't fight at all. We had such a great time. But there was two times where we fought. One, and it's on your podcast. But then the other time we fought, you got really mad at me on the way to the airport. For some reason. You got really uptight. I don't know why.
Christine
Yeah, you came at me. I gave him a baraka. A. You've had those.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, it's a vitamin drink, but a pill. You put it in water so you.
Christine
Don'T get sick of the plane. Whatever we're tired. And that he puts in water, he just. Just put him on and just drink it. And he's like, I'll sip on this. Throughout the day. It baffled them. I was like, we still have that for. He goes, ah. And so then he. He on the bumpiest 1938 car with no shocks. He's like, I'll open it now. With a white shirt. And he just goes, oh, what the fuck? Goes, you're fucking Baraga. It got all over me. I'm like, no, don't come at me with that. And you're like, what the fuck? Then he gets his bag, opens it up, takes his whitest shirt out for no reason. And then just like, oh, I gotta rearrange all this. I'm like, what's your white shirt doing out? Why would. Chill.
Big J Okerson
I had a white T shirt. You were spazzing. I was not spazzing. Spazzing. You were getting up tight.
Christine
My. Stop.
Big J Okerson
I was giggling. This is the thing. We were in the car. This is why you. You remember this thing all around me. I was not coming at you. I was in the car. I was in the car, and I had your baraka. Whatever it is. You put it in there, and it's a red three hours earlier. It's like a fruit punch.
Christine
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
And I'm sitting there, had it in my car, and we. It went on my white T shirt.
Christine
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
And I was like, God damn it, you stupid thing that you made me drink.
Christine
Yeah, you can't all of that. I told you to drink it hours ago.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, but I was. I just was busting your balls about it. And you're like, dude, what the fuck? You got mad that I was bus.
Christine
My balls all day. I was like, let me find a souvenir. And you're like, no, I want to go this place. I want to go that place. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Big J Okerson
I'm like, this is such this is what you did. We went for soup. We.
Christine
I went to your. You went. You wanted. Or a.
Big J Okerson
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Christine
I got it. I was like, hey, it's getting late. I have to. I kind have to move. I got to go to this place.
Big J Okerson
No, no, no.
Christine
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
That's not what happened.
Christine
That's what happened.
Big J Okerson
We had. We had souvenir day. We planned souvenir day. The last day.
Christine
What are you saying?
Big J Okerson
We. Sylvan. Souvenir. Souvenir.
Christine
It's getting closer.
Big J Okerson
Souvenir. Okay, Souvenir. Put an L on there before souvenir. Yeah, souvenir. Let me try it again. Ready? Souvenir. Okay, thank you. We. I'm gonna give myself a pivot for that.
Christine
Yeah, you got.
Big J Okerson
We planned souvenir day.
Christine
Yeah.
Big J Okerson
And last day, a couple hours, we go out, we start walking. We actually plan out where we're gonna go. No, I'm going in all the places looking for stuff. And you literally said to me, come on, let's go, let's go.
Christine
Yeah. Well, you stopped in for coffee. That line was forever. And the pastry. I'm like, that's fine. It's fine. Like, hey, I want to get to this place already. And you were like, let's go to another tchotchke shop. I'm like, I've already been to these. I already. There's a craft market I want to get to. And you're like, we got plenty. I was like, actually, we're under an hour now, so I gotta. I gotta start moving. And I went, no, you started on me.
Big J Okerson
No, no, I did not.
Christine
Yeah, you started riding me.
Big J Okerson
What are you talking about?
Christine
Started riding me. So I was like, what are you talking about? And you're like, hey, I'm gonna like, great. Sweet. I gotta. I gott.
Big J Okerson
So I was not riding you. Riding me. I was having fun in the chachki shops. And you wanted to go get her a dress.
Christine
I know.
Big J Okerson
Who buys a girl a dress?
Christine
I have fun in Havana. I was like, dude, it's the same shop 50 times. It's like Times Square. You're going to Times Square shops.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, but you went into, like, a store to buy her outfits, and I wanted to go buy Max at Cuban T shirt. Yeah, I get it. I did. I just left. You know what I did when I left? Left? I went and got breakfast.
Christine
Nice.
Big J Okerson
I went and got an egg. I went to that member place we went to the first day.
Christine
You got it there?
Big J Okerson
I went there. I got toast, eggs, and bacon.
Christine
The thing is, when you're traveling somewhere. You got to take some time off.
Big J Okerson
Yeah, you gotta take time.
Christine
I'm going for a break. We gotta take a break. Listen, we gotta take a break.
Big J Okerson
All right, Shut up.
Christine
Come right back. We're gonna take more action. Let's talk about Cuba because we're gonna hear that.
Big J Okerson
We're gonna go.
Christine
You can be the 100,000subscriber. You be tripping if you get in there right now.
Big J Okerson
I hate. Can you shut the up and let me do this?
Christine
This dude, no, let me just talk.
Big J Okerson
Let me say Big J is going to be. Big J is going to be in this Sunday night in Stanford. He's got one show, then he's going to be in St. Louis, West Palm in Providence. For tickets and all of the tour dates go to Big J comedy.com hunch up.live Big J Okerson and Ari, he, of course we have his podcast that's coming. He's going to be on the farewell tour. Shows in Lake Tahoe, Pittsburgh, Province, Providence, Salt Lake City, Brea and more. For tickets and all of the tour dates irishafir.com be sure to check out UB Trippin. I'm on in two weeks. The podcast is on YouTube.com@ub trippin pod. And make sure you check out my new.
Christine
So you got a new YouTube page?
Big J Okerson
YouTube page with all your stand up YouTube.
Christine
Well, we got a big announcement coming after the break.
Big J Okerson
We do. Is it big?
Christine
Yeah, it's big, Bob.
Big J Okerson
I don't know if it's big.
Christine
Oh, it's big.
Big J Okerson
YouTube.
Christine
Have I ever lied about the bigness of announcements?
Big J Okerson
Yes, you have.
Christine
When? Name sex times.
Big J Okerson
I'm going to write them down and we'll come back.
Christine
Name six times I've done that or public apology.
Big J Okerson
YouTube.com Robert Kelly, you can see you.
Christine
Every Tuesday night at 7pm at the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge at the Comedy Cellar. That's not the Comedy Cellar. Rio, by the way. That's one here in New York City.
Big J Okerson
I'm actually a part owner of that.
Christine
So plug that for tickets and all life. Other tour dates visit at Punchup Live. RobertKelly. Who put the exclamation point in there?
Big J Okerson
Christine.
Christine
So you want us to read it like that? Hold on, I'll do it again. For tickets on all the tour dates, visit punch up live RobertKelly.
Big J Okerson
Yeah. Excitement.
Christine
Now here's one with. Let me go down a little bit, Christine. A little bit. Okay, now here's the one because there's no.
Big J Okerson
This is for.
Christine
Check out Bobby's new YouTube channel. YouTube.comoberTKelly Comedy we'll be right back kids.
Big J Okerson
The bonfire with whipped up Ari Shafir.
Christine
I'm whipped.
Big J Okerson
Why?
Christine
I don't know.
Big J Okerson
Freaking me out, man.
Christine
Guy took a wrong turn.
Big J Okerson
Settle down. We'll be back. Crackle, crackle. When work gets crazy, I like to.
Christine
Stop by the bar after, have a few cold ones. I don't drink at all until 4:00.
Big J Okerson
We limit ourselves to one bottle of wine a night.
Christine
Excessive drinking has a way of sneaking up on us. A few drinks, a few nights a week, it can add up and suddenly we're at greater risk for long term problems like heart disease, cancer and depression. Reason enough to rethink the Drink more@rethinkthedrink.com an OHA initiative.
Big J Okerson
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Podcast Summary: The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly – Episode: Santeria with Ari Shaffir
Overview In this episode of The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, the dynamic duo hosts a lively and unfiltered discussion featuring their special guest, Ari Shaffir. The conversation spans a variety of topics, including their upcoming shows, travel escapades, personal anecdotes, and humorous interactions with guests like Andrew Dice Clay. The episode is rich with candid moments, witty banter, and insightful reflections, making it an engaging listen for both regular fans and newcomers.
The episode kicks off with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly setting the stage for a casual hangout by the bonfire. They introduce their special guest, Ari Shaffir, whom Big Jay affectionately refers to as his "travel brother."
Notable Quote:
The hosts delve into their upcoming shows and tours, highlighting the absence of Big Jay due to unforeseen circumstances. They discuss the logistics of shooting in different studios and express excitement about Ari's contributions to the show.
Notable Quotes:
A significant portion of the episode features Robert Kelly and Big Jay sharing personal stories, particularly focusing on a memorable trip to Cuba. They recount various experiences, including interactions with locals, cultural misunderstandings, and humorous mishaps.
Notable Quotes:
The episode takes a humorous turn with a live phone call from comedian Andrew Dice Clay. Their interaction is filled with playful ribbing, jokes about past collaborations, and funny exchanges about merchandise and tour anecdotes.
Notable Quotes:
Returning to their travel stories, Big Jay and Robert discuss the challenges faced during their Cuba trip, including navigating tourist areas, dealing with unexpected events like hurricanes, and the importance of flexibility while traveling.
Notable Quotes:
Throughout the episode, the hosts weave in promotions for various sponsors and their own projects. This includes advertisements for Sport Clips, High Five Casino, Babbel, and announcements about their YouTube channels and upcoming performances.
Notable Quotes:
As the episode winds down, Big Jay and Robert tease upcoming content, including future podcast episodes and tours. They encourage listeners to subscribe and stay tuned for more engaging discussions and entertainment.
Notable Quotes:
Key Takeaways:
Candid Conversations: The hosts maintain an authentic and open dialogue, sharing personal stories and experiences that resonate with listeners.
Humor and Banter: The interplay between Big Jay, Robert, and guest Andrew Dice Clay adds a layer of humor and light-heartedness to the episode.
Travel Insights: Their recounting of the Cuba trip offers valuable insights into the challenges and unpredictability of international travel.
Community Engagement: By incorporating live caller interactions and promoting listener participation, the hosts foster a sense of community and involvement.
Conclusion
This episode of The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly is a testament to the show's ability to blend humor, personal storytelling, and engaging discussions seamlessly. Whether they're navigating the complexities of a trip to Cuba or exchanging jokes with Andrew Dice Clay, Big Jay and Robert create an entertaining and relatable experience for their audience. Listeners can look forward to future episodes filled with more laughter, stories, and candid conversations.