Short King Saved Your Life

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Short King Saved Your Life"

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly
Host: SiriusXM
Episode: "Short King Saved Your Life"
Release Date: May 27, 2025

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1. Opening Banter and Personal Anecdotes [00:37 - 05:50]

The episode kicks off with Big Jay Oakerson and Bobby Kelly engaging in their signature humorous banter. They delve into personal topics, with Bobby attempting to have Jay guess the names of his siblings. This segment is filled with playful teasing and exaggerated guesses, highlighting the hosts' chemistry and comedic timing.

Notable Quotes:

• Bobby Kelly [02:01]: “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Pump the brakes.”
• Big Jay Oakerson [05:45]: “Let me tell you something there, buddy.”

2. The P. Diddy Trial Discussion [10:00 - 24:00]

The conversation shifts to the high-profile trial of P. Diddy, focusing on his ex-wife Cassie. Jay and Bobby dissect the allegations, referencing text messages and courtroom revelations about Cassie's infidelity and P. Diddy's reaction to it. They explore themes of consent, abuse, and the impact of public opinion on personal relationships.

Notable Quotes:

• Bobby Kelly [13:13]: “There was a big part of it controlling you.”
• Big Jay Oakerson [17:21]: “If you do, because I don't believe you'll do what you say you're going to do there. If you did that, I would have absolutely. I would have submitted to you completely.”

3. Satirical and Edgy Humor on Sensitive Topics [24:00 - 44:00]

Maintaining their edgy humor, Jay and Bobby navigate through controversial topics related to abuse and consent, often veering into satirical and exaggerated scenarios. They discuss the moral complexities of abusive relationships, using hyperbolic humor to question societal norms and legal implications.

Notable Quotes:

• Big Jay Oakerson [43:13]: “You definitely don't get the hottest kids, which I'm guessing is probably South American.”
• Bobby Kelly [43:29]: “She’s got long Jamaican legs.”

4. Critique and Commentary on Public Figures [44:00 - 58:00]

The hosts pivot to discussing public figures like Jay-Z and their personal lives, particularly scrutinizing a controversial video involving Jay-Z and children. They blend humor with critique, questioning the authenticity and implications of such public displays.

Notable Quotes:

• Bobby Kelly [51:05]: “How is P. Diddy not have somebody to go, yo, yo, yo, I got it. Why don’t do this.”
• Big Jay Oakerson [57:38]: “I think Christine is just guilty of liking a little salty with her sweet.”

5. Light-Hearted Segments and Closing Remarks [58:00 - 67:27]

As the episode winds down, the conversation becomes more light-hearted. The hosts discuss their weekend plans, upcoming gigs, and humorous takes on personal height insecurities. They also touch upon pop culture references, like Tom Segura's new show, blending personal anecdotes with comedic observations.

Notable Quotes:

• Bobby Kelly [65:00]: “The worst blind date I ever went on.”
• Big Jay Oakerson [66:00]: “I bet Dina Howard wouldn't go crying to the cops.”

6. Advertising and Final Highlights [67:06 - 67:27]

In keeping with the episode's structure, promotional segments for sponsors like BetterHelp and Babbel are interwoven seamlessly into the conversation. The hosts deliver these ads with their characteristic humor, ensuring they complement the show's flow without disrupting the listener's engagement.

Notable Quotes:

• Bobby Kelly [66:57]: “Have zero filter, zero given and zero interest in grabbing a plain boring water.”
• Big Jay Oakerson [67:25]: “I'm here to answer your call.”

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Key Takeaways and Insights

• Humor as a Coping Mechanism: Throughout the episode, Jay and Bobby use humor to navigate and discuss serious and sensitive topics, offering listeners both entertainment and a unique perspective on complex issues.

• Critical Examination of Public Figures: The hosts provide a critical yet comedic examination of the behaviors and controversies surrounding public figures like P. Diddy and Jay-Z, encouraging listeners to question and analyze media portrayals.

• Personal Connections and Relatability: By sharing personal anecdotes and engaging in playful banter, Jay and Bobby foster a sense of relatability and camaraderie with their audience, making complex discussions more accessible.

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Conclusion

"Short King Saved Your Life" showcases The Bonfire's trademark blend of unfiltered honesty and blunt humor. Big Jay Oakerson and Bobby Kelly adeptly balance comedic banter with insightful commentary on contemporary issues, all while maintaining an engaging and relatable dialogue. Whether dissecting high-profile trials or sharing personal stories, the hosts ensure that the conversation remains both entertaining and thought-provoking, solidifying their position as beloved voices in the comedy podcast realm.

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For those who haven't tuned into The Bonfire, this episode offers a glimpse into the dynamic and candid conversations that make the show a staple for comedy enthusiasts. Subscribe to SiriusXM’s Faction Talk channel, Channel 103, or access episodes ad-free through SiriusXM Podcasts+ to stay updated with the latest from Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly.

Transcript

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just like the amount of peas we packed.

[Christine]

In that sentence, it's packed like your.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tote bag, the one you stole from your ex. Or your overpriced half a studio apartment.

[Christine]

Or extra rushed rush hour traffic.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Packed like your calendar, triple booked at 5.

[Bobby Kelly]

Of course.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Grab a vitamin water.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did we mention it's packed with vitamins?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And now the bonfire with Big J.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okerson and Robert Kelly. Jay is in some traffic. He's getting into the. He's figuring out the suburb life. There he is. Oh, come on. You made it, baby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I made it, baby.

[Bobby Kelly]

You made it, baby. Did you run from the parking lot or did you walk fast?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Walk fast.

[Bobby Kelly]

You walk fast.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Never run.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's no point coming in being miserable.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, there's no point of running cuz you look silly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I will look silly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, walk fast. You look like you have something to do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, right now I look silly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you got a little stupid. You got red cheeks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You guys are getting crazy with the lights while I'm gone.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, we turn the lights on cuz Dracula was not here. 10 those down a little bit. Make the man feel at home. Not that far. Want to see each other?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hi, buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey. Jesus effing Christ.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nobody knew anything about my life. Like they didn't know I had a baby brother and a baby sister.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you guys didn't know that?

[Jacob]

Jay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Pump the brakes. You know I have a baby brother and baby sister, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jay Patrick. What?

[Bobby Kelly]

That's my middle name, right? You know my brother, My little brother.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of course, dude. He's Michael.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, his name's not Michael.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's my uncle Michael.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's my middle name.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my. My sister, older sister, Lisa.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, you gotta let me say her name.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I'm giving you my older sister. She had kidney transplant. Two of them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Something. Tracy Morgan. Didn't she give Tracy Morgan a kidney?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, she Needed a kidney. Oh, from Tracy Morgan, right? Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tracy Morgan of her kidney.

[Bobby Kelly]

She can now. She just says the N word and loves the Knicks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. That's lis. Classic. Lease.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then your younger brother.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? Dude, did you guys ever.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

John. John?

[Bobby Kelly]

There's no John. Ever.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Old.

[Bobby Kelly]

Younger sister and a younger brother.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right? I know their names.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's their name? What's my sister's name? My younger sister.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's Patrick.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's a. It's a woman.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. But Irish people don't.

[Bobby Kelly]

They do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, little sir. Jennifer.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's not Jennifer. I wouldn't. No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Stacy.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's no Stacy's in my family. It's Irish.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, right. Guinevere.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that's not an Irish name.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Guinevere.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that's a fucking Europe name. That's a UK name. What's that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ginger? Florence. Her name. Florence.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's not Florence. She's not Italian.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it the machine?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Marie.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that's Italian. You Stunaz.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maria.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that's. That's more Italian.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Dottie.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's my Aunt Dottie. You're getting closer. Aunt Dottie. Aunt Peggy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

On. Peg. We knew about Aunt Peg.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know Aunt Peg.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She shuts with the door open. Not anymore. She doesn't want anyone. No, it's old her.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's old her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's. That was back when your sister.

[Bobby Kelly]

I am my sister.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Susan.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's not Susie. Auntie Susie's on the daily side.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh.

[Bobby Kelly]

And we don't talk.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Confused. The daily side.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right. Okay. Kelly's just a Donlin.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Don.

[Bobby Kelly]

And that's. And Cat. And this is from my second stepfather, Larry, who passed away. If you. You know, My. My father passed away. My stepfather.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was good. Stepfather.

[Bobby Kelly]

Great stepfather. He passed away. Right? He's. He gone. His two kids with my mom. You know their names?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Of course.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, I have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, they're very Irish, so of course I know the names. It's.

[Bobby Kelly]

You've met them?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Circe.

[Bobby Kelly]

Circe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Serious.

[Bobby Kelly]

Say, Is that. What does that mean? What does. Cersei.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

S. No. Oh, okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right. His. All right, listen. First of all, my brother's name. You know my brother's name.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's. I'm not even gonna waste my time with that one, because I'm going for the sister, because I already know the brothers, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay? My brother. I don't have brothers. It's not plural.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's the one. Lisa is the Older sister and then one little brother.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have one little brother.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Little fucking.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not that little. He's bigger than me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, that big Galute.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he's a galoot. You're getting closer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We call him Gus.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, we don't call him. I'll give you a hand. He's a redhead.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, that does make it easier. Sean?

[Bobby Kelly]

Nope.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sean.

[Bobby Kelly]

Uncle Sean. Nope.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Come on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All right. Donlon. Connor.

[Bobby Kelly]

Borsetti is the last name. Oh, but they're from the. Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Giancarlo.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, not Giancarlo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Giancarlo.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, it's a boy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, we're going for the boy again. Okay. All right. So he's Irish as hell.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This guy's so Irish, it's crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's a redhead. He's Italian. Redhead.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, God.

[Bobby Kelly]

Last name, Borsetti.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Marinara.

[Bobby Kelly]

Marinara.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Marinara.

[Bobby Kelly]

You think? My father named his. My stepfather named him as a sauce Ragut. Ragut. Like a cheese.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So we're going back to Irish cabbage?

[Bobby Kelly]

Why are you saying food?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Corned beef. Kelly.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, that's his nickname. But, no, that's besides the point, okay? It's not Kelly. That was my nickname.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Listen, okay, I got this. This is. There's only so many names.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God. Can I get.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I didn't want that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I. Can I. Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cheat sheeted.

[Bobby Kelly]

What'd he say?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Andrew.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's his name.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know he. Cheat sheet. I want to keep guessing. That kills the funny. Okay, Jacob, your instincts were horrific there.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have radio instincts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Doesn't matter.

[Bobby Kelly]

We don't have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We don't have the sister yet. We know the sisters. Andrea.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Andrea.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, that's Italian. I mean, he is Italian. They are Italian Irish.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They're Italian Irish. So it's Anita.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nope. I'll tell you. Give you a hint. The Red Sox used to sing a song in the game when Roger Clemens came out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Caroline.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's it. That's her name.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You could have just said Neil diamond song.

[Bobby Kelly]

I could have said that. But why?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's only the one, everybody.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, I threw the sports in because, you know, I like. I only know a few things.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm a major athlete.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm major athlete. Andrew and Caroline. Oh, my God. Nobody. You guys didn't even, like, investigate me when I got this gig.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, you know, I have three brothers and two sisters. What, all younger than me?

[Bobby Kelly]

Is. Is that why you have different fingernail polish for each one?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

For each one. Don't act like you don't like that.

[Christine]

Hey, Bobby, what are their Names.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna stop. I'm gonna stop. I kind of do like the black and white.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna be doing my toenails on Thursday.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because we're going to Aruba on Friday.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Love it.

[Bobby Kelly]

And Don doesn't want my gross toenail.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I tell you something I learned this weekend?

[Bobby Kelly]

You learned Matt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Matt Black.

[Bobby Kelly]

God damn it. I wanted to guess.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you're gonna guess in a second. Don't worry, because you have five people to guess right now. My siblings, who I speak about. Very open.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wanted to guess what you learned. I thought I was how to take anal without going.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ah, no, no, no. I'll never get past that. The initial shock's always gonna be something.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But the deeper you get inside, though, I am far more accepting than I thought I would be.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, me too. Dude. It's weird how you can actually swallow. If you swallow twice like that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why? And it. It actually lets it go up a couple more inches.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's like you're. It's like biting down on wood.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like Matteo said, techniques, everything.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm going to come. Did he say that?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you look up at you and say that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Techniques, everything.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes. Bobby, I can make you come in two minutes. Technique is everything.

[Bobby Kelly]

Make me come in two minutes. He let me just take his shirt off. Let me see.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm going to come over and show you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right. Jay's walking over to me right now to show me his fingernails for some reason.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can see.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay. Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The white's white is normal.

[Bobby Kelly]

The white is white. It is very white.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look at the black. Matte black, not shiny.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have matte black. Can I just stop right here?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have the most adorable little baby fingernails. They're so perfect. You should be an esthetician. Oh, my God. I do like the matte black. I'll tell you what it is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's the white. And then the little black one on the pointer finger is. I don't mind. I do not mind. It's. It's alluring. I would say not sexy. I. I think you're a good looking guy. I wouldn't say sexy. I would say alluring and fascinating and.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Interesting but kind of sexy.

[Bobby Kelly]

It is kind of sexy. I don't want to say it, but if you're going to force me to say it, I'll say it.

[Jacob]

Who talked you into matte black?

[Bobby Kelly]

His instincts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What happened?

[Jacob]

Who talked you into Matt Black? Theater.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, Jacob. He's not wrong guy. My instincts.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, His.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No I was on the road in Cincinnati and my nails were just dreadful. So I found a place, slept at the eyebrows while I was there, too. And I went in and I said I was gonna do all white. I wanted to do the all white one black. And then I was thinking, I was like, is there any way for the black to not be? That's what makes me look like a fat goth girl.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When it's all shiny now you look.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like a fat Cruella, they said exactly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like a sea witch. But they could just put a different top on the. On the nail polish and make it. And make it this cool matte.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I say something? Like, when I'm on the road and I'm with other comics and I'm like, hey, dude, let's go get lunch or let's go smoke a cigar?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you like, hey, guys, I'm gonna get my nails done and my eyebrows done. Yen. Do they. Do they?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are they like, let's go?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, it depends, you know, I think you've met Shayna Rabani before. She went and got her nails done with me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay. She? Yes, she. She. There you go. Okay. I don't go on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Mike Fenoy will not get his nails done with me. So I had to wait till he went and did something else.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, well, that guy needs a fucking talk. I'm mad at him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm mad at Feno because he murdered a snake.

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why are you mad about that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Because that's the most unmanly thing you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Could have done to send it back to hell.

[Bobby Kelly]

First of all, snakes are not from hell.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I thought it was extremely manly that he cut the fucking head off of a snake. I. I would not have done that at all.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm a little disappointed. I was going to go over there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was going to call him on Saturday, be like, yo, I'll come over on Sunday early. We'll get the snake out, we'll put it in a little bag, we'll relocate it, and maybe you'll get a little used to snakes. Maybe, you know, you won't be so scared of it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I'm supposed to be scared of snakes?

[Bobby Kelly]

You're not supposed to be scared of snakes, especially ones that aren't venomous. They don't hurt you. They don't even want anything to squeeze you to death. It will not. It's not going to squeeze you to death.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Rat snakes constrictor.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you think one of that snake could wrap around either one of us?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was 10ft long.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not 10ft.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That thing was crazy huge.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not crazy. You keep. It's not 10ft long.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You told me it was 10ft.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not 10ft. That 100%.

[Christine]

Somebody was going to capture it and release it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you. You catch that thing and throw. Give it to somebody on a farm to kill the rats or something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We are different. I celebrated it. I celebrated the. I celebrated the murder.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was so sad when I. When he showed the photo. Look at that beautiful snake.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Shit, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

That is pretty as all hell.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's called a rat snake because it eats the rat.

[Bobby Kelly]

It eats the.

[Christine]

Jacob would love to have one at his house.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh my God. We should have. We could have gave it. Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We could have dropped it loose in your backyard.

[Jacob]

Well, then it would have eventually ate people because it would have been so full on rats. It would have grown.

[Bobby Kelly]

But it wouldn't ate you. It would have been your friend. Isn't there a movie about that? What's that movie with a friend? The. There's a friendly snake.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it a snake? I think you're thinking of Ben the rat.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why don't you become friends with the rat?

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe this is part two where the snake is the guy maybe get friends with that. Who eats the rat?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, did you batter on the idea? Have you tried yet singing the song Ben to one of the rats and see if it connects with you.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is that song, Ben?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The two of us need. Look. No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Michael Jackson.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe you should try.

[Jacob]

We both found what we're does the sequel.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't think it's a sequel.

[Bobby Kelly]

Cut that off. Cut that off. Cut that off.

[Jacob]

I believe it is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are we trying to be jammed up, dude?

[Christine]

Oh, I raped and those children.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jesus, Lou. You would just love to have my ass jammed up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tried to jam me up. He was playing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. But you love jamming my ass right up, dude. You want to see it Jammed up.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was. I was really sad when I saw that. And I know he was like, I did it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, you're sad for one reason only. Because I told you that you were like, I'm thinking about going over there and taking the snake. Because I'll take it and put it around my neck and walk out of there. And I went, if you do that, I will just bow and put my hand out to you. You will now be our leader.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was. I. That was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You will be my leader. If you. If I See, you pick up a snake off the ground. Yeah, Just a snake that big. Just take it off the ground and just put it on your neck and go, let's get this guy out of here.

[Bobby Kelly]

There was a big part of it controlling you. I was going to go over there Sunday, go in there, grab it by the tail, let it calm down, put it around my neck and walk out on video and be like, let's take this somewhere else.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I pledged my complete servitude to you. And you. I know you believed it. I told you, I'm not kidding. If you do, because I don't believe you'll do what you say you're going to do there. If you did that, I would have absolutely. I would have submitted to you completely.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was taking it to Wayne, New Jersey and I was going to show up like Conan the Barbarian already wearing it around my neck and be like, Jay, bow to me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I would have.

[Bobby Kelly]

And get me snacks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Gatorades for you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now you got the zeros.

[Christine]

I got very zero. That's very hard to find.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's my favorite.

[Christine]

I know.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's my favorite.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She got it for you.

[Bobby Kelly]

How many did you get?

[Christine]

It was like. I think it was a 24 pack, but three flavors.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is why I love you guys. You don't around when it comes to snacks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

You find out what people like and you get it to have it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You don't fuck around.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't fuck around.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You guys don't fuck around now.

[Bobby Kelly]

And don't think I didn't see your outdoor fridge stocked perfectly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's getting there.

[Bobby Kelly]

You were meant to be famous.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, you were. Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes. Say it in the universe. Say it in the universe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm meant to be famous. I should. I should get. We should load our fridge up with Ciroc. That's got to be cheap now, right? P. Diddy's booze. P. Diddy's booze.

[Bobby Kelly]

So. Oh, yeah, I guess. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why don't they have any pictures? I want to see him with his gray hair. It's going to be so funny. He's going to age 30 years in one picture.

[Jacob]

They said he has great every drawing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All the drawings of him are gray haired, so I have to assume. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I still heard he's pimping the clothes though. And here's the thing with the trial is that they were coming out and it was kind of hammering them. And then they showed the text message back for this girl and she was into it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's an AI Christine.

[Bobby Kelly]

She was. She. You didn't know that was AI.

[Christine]

She didn't.

[Jacob]

That's Arsenio hall coming to America.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't even think it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's Keith Robinson.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's just AI.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's Keith Robinson after a stroke when he couldn't put the dye in himself.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did he get gray?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, of course.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't see his gray hair at all.

[Jacob]

You never think about, like, this is a guy who's like Jay times ten with the manicuring. Manicuring. And he's in prison and just everything's going to hell. He can't do anything. No dying hair.

[Christine]

Oh, poor baby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know, it sucks. I do feel terrible for him.

[Christine]

Well, I'm sure he's still rapeable.

[Bobby Kelly]

But she actually. They actually show what a piece of shit she was in the last couple days. I don't know if you've been following it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cassie.

[Bobby Kelly]

Cassie. Because so her husband's in the court and they're reading the shit back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She left.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Didn't she leave the courtroom?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, he. They read a text thread where. Where he was like, you know, we got to. I wish we could do another freak off like the first. She's like, I don't want it to be. She's like, I would. I want to do another freak off. No, this will be our last freak off. And she was like, I don't want it to be the last. I want it to be like the first. So she was still talking to P. Diddy about fucking getting banged out and doing a freak off while she was married to this guy. Yeah, the new dude. The white corny dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And he was in this. He didn't. No, he didn't know any of this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So he's finding out that his very, very pregnant wife loves freak offs.

[Bobby Kelly]

Loves them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I thought Christine used to love free coughs. That's gone. Those days are over.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you had free cops, but they weren't really freaky.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it wasn't like five dudes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

You were in another room with a bandana rubbing. Come on your nipples. Were you?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that I was.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you were. Okay, sorry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But that's not a. That's just not a freak off make.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it doesn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, freak out.

[Bobby Kelly]

So all the. All the. But they're reading her text messages back, like his side of it. And she's into all. Like she was. All the stuff she's talking about, she's into it. She was like, I love it. I want more. And so it's. It's kind of. I don't Think. I don't think it's. I don't think it's a cut and dry where he's, you know, he was holding her hostage, making her do a lot of this. There's a lot of the stuff on the other end with her text messages. Like, I'm kind of into it. I like it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's like, ooh, when I get home tonight, daddy, can you drag me down a hallway and kick me in the ribs and beat the living? I mean, he was like, I don't know. I don't want to do that anymore. She goes, yeah, beat me. Beat the out me like last time.

[Bobby Kelly]

I bet this video of you doing that to Christine in the hallway of your old building.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you could. I'll tell you what, though. If. If life, Bobby. If life showed my dream bubbles for sure, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

If life showed dream bubbles, you'd have so many videos of me kicking Dom down a very small flight of stairs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If we could somehow. AI My dream bubbles. Oh, my God. I've beaten Christine up and down the Empire State Building stairs. I beat her up those stairs and then I beat her right back down.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would Theo Von Don every morning.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Where's the coffee?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How about the Theo Vaughn thing? Becoming so if you don't know. Well, I guess we should give context for everything. If you don't know. P. Diddy's a mogul and producer who's on trial. So that's what we were talking about before.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And Cassie is his apparently slut pregnant ex.

[Christine]

She's pregnant.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's pregnant with a new husband.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's extremely pregnant with a new husband.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who'S a white dude. I don't know what he does if he's a producer or in the business at all or. She just went total square, which a lot of times they just go square. Maybe out of the business, but this guy is finding out. I mean, it must be rough. This is him finding out. Yeah, he's a little older now.

[Jacob]

Nerd personal trainer.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Dude, if. If you're finding out all this stuff about her now in trial.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's like, shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know. You should probably get a couple of. Get a couple of years of freak offs in before you start having kids with her. You know what I mean? The kids are shutting down the freak offs for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you think that she went to him at the beginning of this trial before it happened? Look, I gotta sit you down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can you pay a black guy to pee in my mouth?

[Jacob]

There's a difference.

[Bobby Kelly]

You gotta know everything. I'm Gonna tell you all the stuff that happened because you're gonna hear about it. And I don't want. Do you think she did that or do you think she held back? And he's hearing about this for the first time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's like, I got fucked by ballers. Shot callers, brawlers. Guys who be dipping in their bends with their spoilers.

[Jacob]

There's a difference between.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, those were rap lyric. I figured from a rap song.

[Jacob]

I don't know the song, but it sounded nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You do know the song, dude. All about the Benjamins, baby.

[Jacob]

Oh, I do know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, oh. DJ Lou knew.

[Bobby Kelly]

DJ Lou's girl knew.

[Jacob]

I know the song.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hell, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's right. DJ Lou has to play this. Did you say hi?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I did. Well, I did not say hi officially. I didn't know if we'd said hi on the air yet.

[Bobby Kelly]

We said hi. We introduced. We said hi. That's Nyla. That's Nyla.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nyla.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nyla, you introduce Christina. She was here when I got here. No one thought at all. Just introduce Christine. Trying to keep him apart before a freak off breaks out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, she came in. Oh, wow. How great would that be if we did a live freak off on the bonfire?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine and Nyla just started full blown diking out on the thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, we just blindfolded Jacob and jerked him off.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Unfortunately, we have to pour water and coffee on you because we didn't get Ciroc like I suggested we do. Yeah, well, we could have been pouring Ciroc all over these two.

[Bobby Kelly]

We gotta jerk off Jacob Blythe Fun and go, who is it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Who is it? Whose hand is this, Jacob? And then you're gonna think to feel the glove and say, me, but you're gonna be wrong. Bobby, put my glove on.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's all about the Benjamin, huh? What? Oh, shot callers. Brawlers who be dipping in the bins with the spoilers.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I. Can I ask a question? All the stuff that we're hearing, you've heard all the stuff, right? And it, like. Except the. The physical abuse hurt. You know, physically hurting somebody, you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Rewarding.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no. That's what I was gonna say.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Internally.

[Bobby Kelly]

Internally rewarding, yes. Thought bubble. Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Outwardly, it's causing you lots of problems.

[Bobby Kelly]

Outwardly, you don't want to ever lay hands on a woman ever.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I've gone to punch Christine in slow motion 11 times, and I just start picturing my future, and I'm like, I can't handle prison. And then I go and I just hug her the way I was going in for every time we hug. I almost punch her in the face and talk myself.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hug is a punch.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Every hug is a punch that just me thinking better of it. She goes, hug me before you go to the airport. I go now.

[Bobby Kelly]

I saw you guys last week when I walked up and it was so. I actually started smiling.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Bobby Kelly]

Because you guys were making each other laugh. You guys are up front.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was making her laugh.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's true. It wasn't her making you laugh, but you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm sure her behavior makes me laugh, but it's this kind of laughter. Okay, all right, all right. I guess that's just. All right, fine.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's rage laugh.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look at this. Somebody AI me. Me and Christine as Cassie and P. Diddy in the hallway.

[Jacob]

Somebody Ayas the girl that said she's into the freak offs. That's her getting. We're watching a video of him.

[Bobby Kelly]

See the whole trial. This is where it's coming.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes, Jacob, this is part of the freak off.

[Jacob]

Same woman.

[Bobby Kelly]

But you have to get this. This is a not. This wasn't a year ago. This is a while ago. Listen, this is years ago.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think Cassie is just guilty of liking a little salty with her sweet. You know what I mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

But he did. Can I. His defense. He did. She did take his phone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh really?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you don't touch a man's phone.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't touch a man's phone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You want to catch a fine way to catch a beating, you should find that future clip. Take my phone.

[Bobby Kelly]

So he took the phone and then he. Yeah, he's. He's a. I mean he's garbage.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, she's a child. Get up and walk, you idiot. What's he going to drag you the whole way back to the room? I'm taking his side blindly.

[Christine]

Here's the thing about whatever her agreeance is and texting him and whatever she got herself into, she obviously gets a beat out of her. This wasn't a one time thing. And he was threatening to release a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bunch of footage from is part of the kink.

[Christine]

So she was being, you know, she's kind of being blackmailed and held hostage. And you go, you know what? I don't want to do this anymore. I don't care if this gets released. All my porn can be all over the place.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And he's like, hey, where'd you put my diet peach and apple?

[Christine]

Hey, yeah, there's a 15.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I just. Can I. Another thing that I noticed in that video. Nice Louis bag by the way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. And she was trying to leave with.

[Bobby Kelly]

It as a bag slot. Oh, I love that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If Dawn. If dawn tried to take your bags, Bobby, you'd give her a good hallway beating. Without a doubt.

[Bobby Kelly]

I grab her right by a hoodie and throw it down to the ground.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, man. A public woman beating. God bless. I mean, you really have not thought. You have not thought this forward at all. Dude. The court of public opinion is not going to let that one go. Although Chris Brown. Dude, Isabella was the other day. She goes, you give me Chris Brown tickets? I go, yeah, it's getting Chris Brown. He's playing a huge place. I'm like, didn't he beat the shit out of Rihanna? She was like, yeah, I guess. I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's like, he's still doing a concert, so, I mean, it must not be that much against him. Yeah, I can't really argue that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think she didn't. Now here. We got to go back. Look, there's no reason to ever hit a woman. I don't think that. But even Rihanna. No, not Rihanna, but she. I think she had sex with somebody else.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, is that what happened?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm pretty sure there was. Right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, well, then she got it. Eat. Then she got off easy.

[Christine]

Yeah. Don't leave her. Just beat her up. Teach her a lesson.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's right.

[Jacob]

He beat the out of her.

[Christine]

He her up. Yeah, that guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but what. Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You did get the tickets, by the way. She tried to bite his arm. Did you read that? Before we start accusing him of stuff. He says she tried to bite his arm. She tried to kick me and he bit her arm. Sorry. He bit her arm. Apologies, I take that back. But she tried to kick him. She tried.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Isn't that worth.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's got long Jamaican legs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You guys don't think that's an extended hospital stay? Beating worthy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Have you ever been kicked by a Jamaican woman? No, I think she's Bahamian, whatever that is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That Barbasian.

[Bobby Kelly]

All those islands.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's a stupid island bitch. She probably deserves. She had coming to her. I blame Rihanna for the Eagles losing the Super Bowl. I went to. Everything was going great till Rihanna performed. And then everything took a jalen. Hurts, couldn't focus. Everybody got tired. Oh, now I want to beat her. What hotel is that? She's still there.

[Bobby Kelly]

How does P. Diddy not have somebody to go, yo, yo, yo, I got it. Why don't do this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That would be great. Dude, Snoop Dogg's got a joint roller. You think that P did. He could hire a woman beater. I feel like it's not a sad.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, you missed. You missed something. You misunderstood what I said.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Apologies.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't say. I didn't say hire. Have a woman. Be somebody to stop him from beating the woman. Stop. You don't want to do this. Not somebody to go, hey, I got this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I thought you meant he would hire a woman beater. Oh, that would be good. I would. Let me tell you, if I had the money, I would have a girl on deck, like, a tough girl to beat up Christine often. That'd be great.

[Bobby Kelly]

What would that be? Would that be like. If you. Would that be. Would that, like, cancel itself out because it's two girls?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine. What if we got a living nanny that took care of Dawkins while we're gone, and then when you get out of line, beat you back in the shape.

[Bobby Kelly]

What if you.

[Christine]

I think I'm okay without that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Why?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, you don't even know. You haven't even tried it yet.

[Christine]

To watch dakis.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Christine]

We have a Viva to watch dakis.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Viva is too skinny to beat you up. I don't know. She probably beat the shit out of you.

[Christine]

You think everyone will beat the shit out of me?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know. I'm trying to get you goosed up to you. Prove yourself to me.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're going to get her to fight Don one day. She's going to walk up and slap Don't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don's probably been in street fights.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dawn, but from Boston. Yeah, she probably.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When she was younger. Christine's never been in a fistful.

[Bobby Kelly]

She had three older brothers that beat the out of her. Big six. Something. They used to play with her like a boy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I've actually wrestled.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did she want to stop doing free golfs?

[Bobby Kelly]

I did back in the day. I actually wrestled with Dawn. You know when you wrestle with your girl and you're like, all right, say uncle. Or you stop. Say it. Say, I'm the best. She goes, no. And I'm literally, like, bending her arm. Like, say, I'm the best. She's like, no. I'm like, I'm gonna have to break your arm, because if I give up, then I lose all power in this relationship.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like that, though. I like that. She makes sure. Yeah. Christine taps, like, immediately. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dawn doesn't tap. She's like, now break it. I'm like, this is not fun. I'm gonna have to seriously hurt you now to maintain dominance in this relationship.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, just like something, like, break a finger.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. My Broker arm. That's why she gave up esthetician. Not because of Max. I had to break her up now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But she knows now. You straighten her shit out, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

I straighten her shit out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And now you don't do any laundry.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't do laundry. Or dishes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Very exciting.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know how to push those buttons.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Since I challenged Christine's domestic ship, domestic womanhood, she has been. I mean, laundry is non stop going.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's great.

[Christine]

The laundry has been non stop going since we lived together.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Since we lived together. We paid Asians to do it before that.

[Christine]

Well, okay. Well, since we've had a washing machine.

[Bobby Kelly]

You had Asians?

[Christine]

Yeah, yeah, it's a laundromat drop off.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I thought you bought Asians.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, it's a laundromat.

[Bobby Kelly]

Where do you get Asians?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If I buy.

[Bobby Kelly]

These tariffs are really working.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. If I buy an Asian, they're gonna take care of Dawkins and beat up Christine when I say so. Ming up here, please. Yeah, Christine's doing that thing again. She does.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. It's. It's getting weird. I don't think that he's. I don't think he's. It the, the sex stuff. My question was back to the original question, is that besides the beating and all that stuff, but the sex stuff. If you have two adults that are into something, sure. Who is it to anybody to say, okay, you want to have a room full of people around doing weird stuff? How we to morally judge that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't give a. Listen, if you're into the thing, it's. He's going top level at this. I'm in the weird, but I mean, I don't have bottomless money and a baby boil room.

[Bobby Kelly]

You do have, you have a. Do you do have a nice pool.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I do have a nice pool.

[Bobby Kelly]

We could get into it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm worried about baby oil getting all over it. Yeah, I don't want a lot of cums all over it.

[Bobby Kelly]

What if we get a side cum pool?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, now we're talking. Someone's to pop up and dish out. Yes, Christine.

[Christine]

It's just so funny that it's like everybody's like, freak off, freak off, freak off. I'm like, yeah, it's like people have been having orgies in Hollywood for. Since the beginning of.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, someone described it on the most basic level. It's a swingers party, essentially. And it's like, great.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, didn't they have a club in Long island where people would just go and do that? What was it called?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Plato's Retreat.

[Bobby Kelly]

Plato's Retreat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think it's in the city.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's it. I thought that was in Long island maybe. I don't know. But that was a whole documentary on that. There's the. The club, what was the swingers clubs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All over the place.

[Bobby Kelly]

What was the club here? Down in. On 57th Street. What was that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, plaintiff's treat.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, stop it. Not that one. They used to have the club. What was that fancy club, the retreat club.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Studio 54.

[Bobby Kelly]

Studio 54. They used to bang in there all the time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but that wasn't a swingers club. They have actual like these places exist. So. Listen, I don't have a problem with P. Diddy sex stuff at all. The issue he's gonna run into that I guess I do have an issue with this, is that they're like trafficking in people. So it's like we have a busload of confused 16 year olds coming up from Florida that are gonna like fuck everybody here. That's, you know, wonky. Everybody. Have you noticed that everywhere you go it seems like prices are going up? They keep saying it. The grocery store, your cars, your appliances, everything is through the roof right now. Wouldn't it be nice if prices would go down? Well, at Metro, they've got your back. They've lowered their prices and are giving you a five year price guarantee on talk, text and data. One line now 20% lower. Family plans also lowered. And you also get a free 5G phone, all with no ID required and no activation fees. Stop by your neighborhood Metro store, Visit metro by t-mobile.com or call to find out about their amazing offers. Bring your number. Not available if currently at T Mobile or with Metro in the past 180 days. Guarantee covers monthly price of on network, Talk, text and 5G data for customers activating on eligible plan exclusions Apply details at metro by t-mobile.com Guys, you know, running a business is complicated. There's dozens of software programs that you need and they're all so expensive. And since they come from different companies, they don't always play nice with one another. But what can you do, right? Odoo? That's what Odoo has all the software business owners need. We're talking sales, CRM, manufacturing, websites, literally every kind of software and it's all on one platform. So it works together and it's quality software so you're not sacrificing. It's simply a better experience than a hodgepodge of programs. You'd expect to pay a premium for it. Right. But that's the most amazing part about Odoo. This interconnected suite of business software costs less than the mini mash of disconnected programs you're currently using. So the question is, why spend more on software programs that are less efficient when Odoo's simple software platform can handle everything for a fraction of the price? Discover how Odoo can take your business to the next level by visiting odoo.com that's o d o o.com odoo.com this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I use BetterHelp. I love BetterHelp. I really believe in therapy. I am a firm believer, I'm going for a long time that you need to have somebody neutral in your life to tell them your problems, your goals. Not just all the bad stuff, all the good stuff you want to do. Mental health awareness is growing. Many people avoid seeking mental health because of fear of judgment and stigma. You know, they don't want to be seen as someone who needs to go to therapy. People hesitate to get help and it just affects them and it impacts their family, the workplace, entire communities. This mental health awareness month right now encourages everyone to take care of their well being and break that stigma. The world is a better place when people are healthy and happy. BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist from their diverse network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. BetterHelp is fully online making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide. Easy to switch therapists anytime you want. No problem. We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com bonfire to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com bonfire hey, putting off that dream trip because you're nervous about not speaking the language? Don't sweat it. Babbel has got your back. Start speaking a new language with confidence thanks to Babbel's conversation based techniques that quickly teaches you useful words and phrases about things you can actually talk about in real world. Babbel's tips and tools for learning a new language are approachable and accessible. It's like having a private tutor right in your pocket. Check this out. Babbel's games are so fun. I love to play the games. Look, I'm a child at heart. It just makes it easier for me and it's fun way to learn sentence building and spelling reinforcements. It's so cool. I want to learn Italian because I'm taking my family to Italy. And I want to be able to talk to people and go to restaurants and feel like a little smoothness, like I know what I'm doing when I get there. Because there's nothing worse. When I was in Cuba and I didn't know how to speak the language, a hurricane rolled, rolled in. All I knew how to say was queso and gracias. You know what? Next time I go there, that's not going to happen with Babel. Learn another language. Babel is gifting our listeners 55 off [e-mail] Bonfire get up to 55% off babel.com Bonfire spelled B A B B E L.com Bonfire babel.com Bonfire rules and restrictions may apply. Well, there's a video which is weird, where you have Jay Z walking out of a room. And I don't know what it is, but it looks like a party. And all of a sudden he walks out of room. You look in the room and it's all kids. Now that could just be a birthday party or just be a party. And all the kids go in this room for now. But why would a bunch of kids just be in a room sitting down? They look.

[Jacob]

Well, he did meld a party early. Like 6, 5 or 6pm was for the kids, and then 6 to 8 was for the straight sex. And then apparently went super gay after that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Whoa, I didn't get the flyer.

[Jacob]

I mean, that's what I'm taking from. Because all the watching all the basketball players in dresses.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Jacob]

What was the basketball players? He in a dress.

[Bobby Kelly]

All them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, LeBron James. LeBron, yeah. He was just like a French maid.

[Jacob]

I mean, what am I supposed to take from that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jay Z walked out of what, a room where there was children? They're saying.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, there's a alleged. I'm not saying it's anything but. You start. All this stuff is coming out now. And it's like they have this video where he's walking out of a room and there's just a bunch of kids in the room. It's like, what is that? Like, so what what we're gonna hear.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And Jay Z story hour. Maybe.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe it might be. He might have been.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Would you rather Jay Z read your kids books or drag queens?

[Bobby Kelly]

Drag queens.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

Why not?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Damn.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nice drag queen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, daddy, if somebody was gonna your child, would you wish it was a famous person? Let's just say there's no choice in the matter. Do I like happening? Young Max is gonna get terrible things done to him by an adult male.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it better if they're famous?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, here's the thing. I. I don't want it to be somebody that I like. Like, I don't want to be Robert Duvall, you know, but if it's Ryan Gosled, maybe. I mean, how hot are they?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, dude. You know, it's crazy. I used to say that too, but I actually. I actually looked it up on IMDb. I looked up on immediate media things. I used to say goslip. And it's Gosling.

[Bobby Kelly]

Gosling.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was the ing on the end. It's not Goslit like I and me and you. Same pile. Same pile of people that just had that wrong Gosling. It rolls off the tongue. It sounds like it should be right. Gosling.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're taking it a little too far now. But I mean, you gotta. Okay, you're doing good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll get out earlier.

[Bobby Kelly]

Gosling.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's what they said.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, they are right, I think. Hey, Jay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Probably I looked it up and it's spelled that way. But I'm probably still gonna say goslit in my down, in my personal time.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna say Gosling or Goslit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A gosling is the one that you want the world to know who you're talking about.

[Bobby Kelly]

Gosling, Gosling, Gosling.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I don't care about that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, this is it right here. This is the video. Watch this.

[Jacob]

This is video.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is just weird to me. Like, but maybe it could be completely innocent. But just with all this other stuff that's going on, the illusion can be created that there was some crazy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, I like about 29 year olds.

[Bobby Kelly]

Watch this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's 20 of them.

[Jacob]

Jay Z at the P. Dider.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How's my Jayz impression?

[Bobby Kelly]

First of all, the joke was young girls. The pedophile joke was right on point. Nobody laughed at it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, it's a. It's a hackney.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know, but not. Not to. I thought regular people.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I thought that my Jay Z impression, doing it was great. The thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you do it one more time?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, you know what I love about 29 year olds? There's 20 of them.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's great. Yeah, they didn't hear it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you, Evil Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wish you can. I wish you did. Two year olds. I think you oughta better laugh. Try it with that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, you know I love about 22 year olds. There's 20 of them.

[Bobby Kelly]

See, it's young. It's a little younger. Makes it a little more dirty, which I think makes gets a little pop in it. Just. Just help out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine's not impressed because she doesn't know what Jay Z sounds like because she doesn't listen to black people.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you know how she feels.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I do.

[Christine]

I'm West Coast.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know she feels. She's saying I just stopped her from taking a shit on the foot of the giant gold black woman statue you.

[Bobby Kelly]

About to do that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's a shit on.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought we talked her out of that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's crazy. But she was like. And then she snuck off. She was like, oh, you guys gonna be in this store for a minute? I'm gonna go grab some vape cartridges. And then I saw her outside trying to take a shit on the.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that why she. She went to the sardine place and ate four cans of sardine real quickly, right? So she could squeeze one out right on the foot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So something about those little tiny fish swim right through her in a mustard sauce.

[Bobby Kelly]

Have you guys eaten the sardines I gave you yet?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

You threw them out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've never thrown anything out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at me. What? You threw out the things I. No, it's okay. I'm gonna say this because you moved.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm telling you, on my life, I did not throw these out.

[Christine]

They're not thrown out. We have them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Where are they?

[Christine]

In the bottom drawer of our pantry.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why in the. When are you gonna have them?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We always start from the bottom. And now we're here.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right. All right. Well, when I come over the house, we're having stardines.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We can't, though. They'll be gone. Yeah, I'll have eaten them.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll bring more.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, you're gonna love sardines.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I. I'm. I've never. I'll try sardines.

[Bobby Kelly]

You'll try sardines?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We do have these. I'm not lying.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're gonna love them. Get a dry cracker and a sardine. You're gonna lose your mind.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bones in it.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. I know, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, there's no. Buddy, no, there's not. Not in these. You know what? We're never gonna make it. There are some bones, but not these ones. I got them. The. The store in Times Square is the fanciest sardine store in the Lane.

[Jacob]

Brand of the sardines.

[Bobby Kelly]

They're Portuguese.

[Jacob]

Okay, I know what you're talking about. I watched a whole special on these sardines.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine, how awesome was the store?

[Christine]

Yeah, the store is great.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's like the Willy Wonker of sardines.

[Christine]

I don't know they're affording that real estate, but.

[Bobby Kelly]

What'd you say?

[Christine]

I don't know how they're affording the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Real estate through high end sardines.

[Bobby Kelly]

High end studies. It's Portuguese sardines.

[Jacob]

Does it start with an N? The sardines.

[Bobby Kelly]

Excuse me. Jesus Christ. Wow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, it's just a stupid fish. You can call whatever you want.

[Bobby Kelly]

We have to take a break soon.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's how I play.

[Bobby Kelly]

Damn it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hands off.

[Bobby Kelly]

What would you do? Let's see.

[Jacob]

I do want to see this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's watch this video. It's just. It's just with all the stuff, it's a little weird. All right.

[Christine]

Okay. Here we go. Sorry, I just want to share.

[Bobby Kelly]

Make it big, Christine. It's just a. There's like.

[Christine]

Why are all those girls there?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's just a bunch of girls.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a little kid freak off.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know, man. This could be. He could just be walking out of room with kids.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't. I mean, they're sitting around a table, like, with a birthday. This doesn't seem anything that. Doesn't seem that in the face.

[Christine]

His daughter's birthday party.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's wearing a suit. I thought he was gonna come out with, like a shower cap on, like a towel, like, what's up?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, it's like, all right. With all. With all this stuff that's going on, they keep releasing these things that are just adding to the mythology of this freak off and the freak off stuff. I was led to believe there was blood and sushi and naked people and children and, you know, all kinds of gay stuff happening. I haven't heard any of that yet. I've heard just, you know, regular weird threesomes and, you know, I mean, the weirdest thing was the. The cum on his nipples and having a bandana and being in another room. But I heard. I heard he has a little small. Here's my theory, and we'll go to break. He had a little. Didi has a little tiny ditty. And he has the Patrice effect where Patrice had a little baby Diddy. So he would actually like to just watch his girl get it because he couldn't give it right and use vibrators and all kinds of. He had to get into other things because his piece didn't match what he wanted to do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's sad.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's sad.

[Christine]

He was like. Like, couldn't actually have the stamina to.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, well, he would bring vibrators and dildos to a Brazil.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, but I think it's Diabetes and he couldn't for league.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. I mean that had something to do with it. But he didn't have a big piece. He didn't have a strong piece. You know, he's hanging with little Kev. He's hanging out with Will, live with Will.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's hanging around the biggest dicks in the biz.

[Bobby Kelly]

The biggest dicks around. He's hanging out. He's got this little pud. That's what we used to call it, Little pud.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh.

[Bobby Kelly]

And he would get, you know, he would travel with vibrators and dildos to other countries to compensate for that, which you think would be weird. But he became an expert and he taught us certain things. So I think, I think it's the same type of thing where P. Diddy's in the top echelon of this sex thing and he can't. He can't walk in with his swing and so, hey, I'm gonna hire this dude to fuck you the way you should be fucked.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure. Or you just like watching weird shit. I don't have a problem with over the top perversion. It's the legalities is the walls that you're gonna hit with these.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you're bringing in kids, kids are no good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you're just trafficking people in.

[Bobby Kelly]

Trafficking, no good traffic.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't have a big moral issue against prostitution really. It's up to the people. I think honestly, if you're. If you're paying people to come. Fuck. That doesn't bother me at all.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't think so.

[Jacob]

Well, drugging every woman that walks in the door.

[Christine]

Are people taking ecstasy or they read.

[Jacob]

One story where the guy was his first freak off invitation.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Jacob]

And he was told that's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You always remember the first.

[Jacob]

The bar on the. Do not drink anything from the bar on the right only that's for the ladies. This is. This is the stuff. Because everything there was roofie.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is hearsay. I mean you have to. That was in like the court that's happening. So this will come out and you'll hear. That will have to be the ladies.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bars.

[Bobby Kelly]

Drug presented.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bars isn't right. That's disgusting.

[Jacob]

Yeah, I guess. I mean, Jacob, you have to prove it. But I believe it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

People would take part in something like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, you don't. You would never do that if you threw a party, right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no. Honest to God, you shouldn't do that. And I think it's really up if you're bringing over your celebrity friends to have sex with kids.

[Jacob]

Yeah, it's that you should net. You should never do that.

[Bobby Kelly]

And you should never try. You should never traffic, like, hotter kids from another state into your party because they're way better looking, right?

[Jacob]

Good Lord, no.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You definitely don't get the hottest kids, which I'm guessing is probably South American.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right, Jacob?

[Jacob]

Absolutely not.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, we're gonna take a break.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jay Z was just having a birthday party.

[Bobby Kelly]

Big J, you got shows this weekend?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nope.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it. Oh, it's the 6th and the 7th. You off this weekend? You got the weekend?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think I shouldn't say it out loud.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't say that. You're very busy. Why? Your manager's gonna book you gigs?

[Christine]

I mean.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, dude, I got your gigs in Wayne.

[Jacob]

Why is that bad to say, huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

Because he wants a break, man. He wants a break.

[Jacob]

He wants to be 17 weekends and. Or you feel guilty?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I want to keep it.

[Christine]

My podcast.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's. That's what's gonna happen. Thursday night, my show in the city. Friday, Saturday. Oh, I'm doing the early thing at the stand.

[Jacob]

You must be.

[Bobby Kelly]

Big J is very busy this weekend. But next week, the 6th and the 7th, right? Yeah. He's gonna be at Levittown, at Governors. After that, he's gonna be in San Diego, Charlotte, Tacoma. For tickets and all the tour dates, go to bigjaycomedy.com and make sure you go to punch up.live/big J. Okerson. Okerson. And follow him over there, too. And check out his Special. It's on YouTube this weekend. Check it out. Yeah, both of them are up there. And make sure you, like, subscribe and share Word.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby Kelly's gonna be at Parks Casino and Ben Salem Penns May 22, one night only. After that, the dojo of comedy in Mars Plains, New Jersey. Portland, Maine, Rochester, New York, all on deck. For tickets and all of his tour dates, go to Punchup Live. Robert Kelly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Three dates left for the summer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Go check out all three dates.

[Bobby Kelly]

And guess what? I'm gonna be in Aruba.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah? Yeah. We have guest host next week while you're gone.

[Bobby Kelly]

You do? That's right. Bring that snake killer. That animal probably. Probably bring that killer in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're gonna celebrate with some kind of a fire ceremony.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's make a keychain out of the snake.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do something because I won't touch it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, if somebody else takes care of all that and turns into a belt, I'll wear the belt. It's a rat snake belt. Probably the king of the rat snakes. We'll be right Back, everybody. It's the bonfire. Now that's music having a party.

[Bobby Kelly]

Man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I bet Dina Howard wouldn't go crying to the cops.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, Tina Turner. Turner didn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. She didn't keep her yap shut.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, she took.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She made that song about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

She took it and then she went to the Thunderdome.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that Mad Max movie really gave her a lot of confidence. Self confidence. She, I guess, needed. I mean, it depends. Unless you're talking about the Ike. The Ike Turner camp. Then she sucks.

[Jacob]

Knew how to write a tune.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, everyone. It's well noted that you say that everything the guy does is gold. From his beatings to his music to his writing to his bass playing.

[Jacob]

He did everything.

[Bobby Kelly]

You talk about Ike.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ike Turner. Jacob's always loved all of his work. Yeah. Headlined most by his aggressive beatings and still finding a way to keep her around.

[Jacob]

I do love Ike Turner's music.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, of course.

[Jacob]

I knew how to write a tune.

[Bobby Kelly]

And you love his.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You think that performance from Tina Turner doesn't come without a beating?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, no. How are you going to get her to do it? You think people just have. Just do things like that? No. Marine Corps. You think the guys in the Marine Corps just wake up on time and go fight?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, they have to be.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Break them down.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have to break them down and build them up.

[Jacob]

Oh, no, I understand.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I just. I'm worthy. You know.

[Bobby Kelly]

This girl, what's her. Casey. Cassie. Cassie. She sang. Is it good stuff or is it bad stuff?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Couldn't be. Never heard of her music ever.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow. So she did all that for nothing?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, she had a little career. I'm sure she had one hit.

[Bobby Kelly]

One hit. Then she was too busy with freak offs to continue.

[Jacob]

Very pretty.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she is hot.

[Christine]

I mean, apparently Nicki Minaj told her to suck it up as part of the game. There's like nice text with her.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is this her song right now?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like that. Suck it up as part of the game. This should be a shirt.

[Bobby Kelly]

That should be one of her songs. She should write that now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Suck it up. It's one of the game.

[Christine]

Oh, I know this song.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know this song too.

[Christine]

Everybody knows this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know the song yet.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hello.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So far, don't know the song at all.

[Christine]

This is her.

[Bobby Kelly]

How you doing? Listen. Ready?

[Christine]

I thought it was Sierra.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So long. I'm here to answer your call.

[Christine]

I mean, she literally looks like she's trying to be Sierra in this video.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow. She got a messed up tooth and little weird belly button.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

DJ Lou's girlfriend knows every word.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you know that you love it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, huge radio hit. Looks like you're gonna be able to beat and rape your girlfriend without her running her mouth for a while. Yeah, don't do it on camera, idiot. Yeah, and if you bring black guys over to have sex with her, don't make them pee in her mouth. Can you draw a line? Let's see if you can succeed where P. Diddy failed at making the perfect woman. Yeah.

[Christine]

Obviously she's not that talented. She's hot.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's not talented.

[Christine]

She's not that talented.

[Bobby Kelly]

Her dancing is all right. She's petite.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, she's hot. For a girl that'll let you gang bang and pee on her, she's very petite.

[Christine]

She kind of looks like Zendaya a little bit now.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's Spanish or she. Oh, she's taking her pants off.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but she's wearing stupid shorts.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is she Spanish or is she black?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna go with black. I'm gonna say half black, half white. I'm gonna be judging by her hair. She's Hispanic.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna say Spanish.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We have an expert.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who's the expert?

[Jacob]

Nihla says Hispanic.

[Bobby Kelly]

You think so?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, she would know for sure. I think she said thing mixed.

[Christine]

Her mother, African American, Mexican and West Indian. Father's Filipino.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow. She's got a lot of exotic in her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. You think any of those would be able to fight better?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, she had all those in her mouth too at the party.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, probably not Filipino.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you never know. Maybe that's the break.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you. If P. Diddy was like, hey, could you pee in my chick's mouth? And you go, yeah. Would you feel bad if, you know, you had asparagus that day? Would you be like, I shouldn't though?

[Bobby Kelly]

I would. I feel bad now when I pee in the house, it's just in the toilet bowl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, asparagus piss.

[Bobby Kelly]

Terrible.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's brutal.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, some people, they say it doesn't happen to some people. Is that real? Yeah.

[Jacob]

I've never heard that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Everyone's asparagus. It's everyone's piss, I think. Not you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't. Lately I haven't been smelling it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You've been eating a lot of asparagus, though. Yeah, but it just smells like piss either way. No, no, no. When I eat asparagus, it's a very distinct smell.

[Bobby Kelly]

Terrible. I hate it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't even know what it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hate it. I almost wish I could get.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's like new plastic I wish we.

[Bobby Kelly]

Had to get diabetes so my people taste sweet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I would love that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, smell.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, then we could piss all over our girls.

[Bobby Kelly]

That'd be great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Diabetic piss.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, we could piss all over each other.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's great.

[Bobby Kelly]

We wouldn't even mind candy cane.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's why Christina had a hard time losing weight than me, because I was pissing out my ketones into her mouth. She was drinking all my ketones. Everything else, business, she was picking them up.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's not that good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't. I still have no idea what that song is. Did it have a chorus or was it pretty much just her singing in front of that thing the whole time?

[Bobby Kelly]

What was the chorus? Me and you. There you go. Me and you and all your friends. It should be me and everybody else.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And that guy and I guess these chicks. I guess J.

[Bobby Kelly]

Lo's hanging out and that kid and that little girl.

[Christine]

Did you guys see this headline?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cassie claims her now husband, Alex Fine once FaceTimed her during a sexual encounter with Diddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, okay, wait a minute. He FaceTimed her and. But was she hiding it? You know what I mean? Was. Was Diddy, you know, down on her?

[Christine]

That's what I'm trying to find, actually.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't think he knew.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, they're saying at the other. They're making it sound like he saved her from this thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I don't think he knew about this. I think she was still banging Diddy, doing weird while she was with him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

See, I don't know. This would. I don't know if I'd be excited to find all this out, because I'd be like, oh, man. That means we could do some pretty wild together. Or if you're like, now, now she can't do anything wild ever again because she has to be the poster child for, like, I was forced into this.

[Bobby Kelly]

You gotta go, dude. You gotta go. You find out that she. You know what I mean? She's like, she turned a new leaf, and then you find out she's. Now you're finding out she was just behind your back doing all kinds of weird. You gotta go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, she's saying that he FaceTimed her.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, he FaceTimed her while she was doing it. But did he not know?

[Christine]

No, she didn't know, because I guess he just found out that they had been intimate, like in 2018. So apparently she. I mean, it was probably Diddy being like, pick it up. Like, it was. I'm sure that was, like, a pervy thing. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pick it Up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't tell him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm kind of hot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I shit on you, I'm gonna shit on your knee.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There is something hot about shitting on someone's knee while they're talking to. There's significant other.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's nothing odd about shitting on somebody's knee.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You never done it?

[Bobby Kelly]

I have done it. Oh, I used to do it. What are you crazy? I used to go to Denmark just to do that. There was a shitting knee convention I used to go to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What is this right now?

[Christine]

This is the Nicki Minaj. I reached out to Nicki Minaj and she told me to stop complaining. It's part of the game. You're rich and famous. Girls will die to be in my shoes.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's true.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's right.

[Christine]

I don't know if girls are gonna die to get the beat out of them in a hotel.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine, you're really focusing a lot on the beating out of.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I say something? Guys get the sheep beat out them too. You don't think these guys fight each other? They get, you know, they get the. Kicked out of them too.

[Christine]

Yeah, but that's like two men. That's not helpless.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not defending.

[Christine]

Did you just see her? She's like a hundred pounds soaking wet.

[Bobby Kelly]

The fact that he came out and did that brutal to her is nuts. It's not hot. It is nuts. I don't like when dudes. I hate when guys hate women. I think it's such a puss move.

[Christine]

I'm so glad we don't have friends that, like, we're like, oh, we know he, like, beats his girlfriend. We all have to pretend like he doesn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like, genuinely.

[Christine]

None of my friends are, like, physical with their chicks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Rapes women.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but it's. It's not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He thinks no means yes, and that's just because he's done Puerto Rican.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's cultural, though. That's a different culture. That's culturally different.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Stupid ass. Puerto Rican. That's what they believe.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, Lou this weekend had a incident. Black Lou had an incident. It was pretty funny, man. I don't know if you saw the photo. Lou, you there?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I am. What's going on?

[Bobby Kelly]

A few.

[Jacob]

A few incidents.

[Bobby Kelly]

A few. A few, right?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is in. Are you gonna. This is gonna be smirch migration. Great city.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. You're a great Philadelphia. It's not a great city.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. Philadelphia was just a wild weekend, man. Why would happen Philly? I was down there to see Henny Hendrix, my son get surgery. I tried to sign into the hospital. And security was called over because apparently someone with my same name, Lewis Johnson, was banned from the hospital, the children's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hospital, because he was a pedophile.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, okay. Yeah. They didn't have a photo of him. He just had my same name.

[Jacob]

But what'd the nurse say to you?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You look just like him. No. They saw his height on there and realized he was six feet tall. Well, well.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Short King just saved your life.

[Bobby Kelly]

I said that. Saved his life. But I said, what if. What if, like, Jacob, if they were like, hey, man, we're gonna make you six feet. Me and Lou would talk about this. What if they were like, hey, man, we have a thing. We'll make you six something for the rest of your life. But once a month, you have to a kid.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That is good. That's a good question. Did you do it?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, once a month. You had to a child to have height for the rest of your life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just, you know, the fact you're thinking about it should make you feel a little empathy for these guys at P. Diddy's house.

[Jacob]

You don't know what it's like down here.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm just saying these people want to be rich and famous, so they're willing to get peed on by people.

[Jacob]

Of course.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a real. It's a real crossroad.

[Bobby Kelly]

Of course. No Jacob, Right?

[Jacob]

Of course. No, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Jacob]

Height's not worth that much.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Black. Lou, you said you would. The kid.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely not.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sorry. I misheard him. I missed her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no. Not a sick one at the hospital. Like one that's like, healthy and viral. I'm like, it's just gonna need a little bit of therapy. Maybe I'll become a rapper. What if that R. Kelly got fucked in the ass? That guy's got a voice of an angel.

[Bobby Kelly]

And he's tall.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And he's tall.

[Bobby Kelly]

What if. What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I wonder if you could a child tall.

[Bobby Kelly]

What if when you. The kid, you got hype, but that kid got talent, like prodigy talent. So not only is you're getting tall, but whoever. Whatever kid you fuck is set for life with talent.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We need an expert in for this.

[Jacob]

The world knows we're not starting this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're not smart enough in science for these kind of questions.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's that?

[Jacob]

The world knows that. That I'm. That this is happening?

[Bobby Kelly]

No. Nobody knows unless the kid rats you out later in life. But.

[Jacob]

Everyone'S a rat.

[Bobby Kelly]

But he knows this. He knows that the talent he got is from you. Yeah, he Knows the exchange was those.

[Christine]

Michael Jackson kids knew that too. They still rat him out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but some of them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know that Wade, whatever his name is.

[Bobby Kelly]

If they tell, they lose their talent.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wade Robson, that tattletail piece of. That guy got immense dancing skills by getting by Michael Jackson. Grow up.

[Bobby Kelly]

What kid didn't tell and has what kid didn't got. Corey Feldman got banged by Michael Jackson, never told and he's got amazing talent.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Macaulay Culkin. Doing fine.

[Bobby Kelly]

Doing fine. Second. Second. Second little thing of his career happened. Right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think Webster's still alive.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Dude, I'm not gonna do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, you don't.

[Jacob]

They're going to do Christine's. Right? They're gonna have the Leaving Astoria documentary later on. And I'm not going through that.

[Bobby Kelly]

The Rat King.

[Jacob]

Yeah. So it would be fun. We'd hunt rats. But it was. There was a darkness to all turned.

[Bobby Kelly]

What if you had sex with them and then they took care of the rats for you? So there are no more rats in your life?

[Jacob]

That would be part of it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You were taller and those kids got like a prodigy type of awesome power.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Jacob]

No rats.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What if you could.

[Jacob]

No rats in six foot two.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How about this? What if your semen could cure cancer but you had to fuck the children to do it award. They're never going to say it's okay for you to do it, but you know for a fact it works. Do you. Do you do your duty? Do you sneak in and start butt cancer? Children.

[Jacob]

I'm really like a. A guardian angel.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have an angel from heaven.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Genuine power. It's like the Green Mile. But instead of sucking out their poison you goodness into their asses. Guardian anal. Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Guardian anal.

[Jacob]

Again. Six foot two.

[Bobby Kelly]

Six foot two, buddy. Six foot two. No rats. No rats, no cancer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you've cured cancer with your penis?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I do.

[Jacob]

Of course not. This is sick.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes. I mean, it's a.

[Jacob]

What you're even suggesting.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not. It's a hard decision to make. Take a day. Come back in a moment.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, here's the thing. Here's the thing. Everyone you tell when it cures can. When it's over. When they find out their kids cancer is cured. They will. But it's going to take time. People are going to be furious at you. You might go on trial for your kid's ass, but at some point you will be celebrated. But then the next person whose cancer you cure, you start that whole process over again.

[Jacob]

See, this is what you guys don't understand. Well, sorry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That you can't.

[Jacob]

What? Jay doesn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can't. What?

[Jacob]

Jay doesn't understand. You don't. If you don't have height, you want to enjoy it. You don't want to be a pariah. What good is 6 foot 2 and, like, who cares?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sorry real quick.

[Jacob]

Can't enjoy it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sorry. Because I'm short.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, he think you're also a short king.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, I just want to say I don't consider myself one of you.

[Jacob]

That's good for you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because I'm five, eight and a quarter. Yeah, I am. Can I just stop real quick? I know how you feel about this, and you want to. You want to have as many people in your tribe as possible.

[Jacob]

It's not me, it's women, okay? The nation of all women that are listening.

[Bobby Kelly]

Five, eight and a quarter. I am literally movie star height, leading man height.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but you still need me or DJ Lou to get cereal off top of the fridge for you.

[Jacob]

You're not in a movie and you're not a movie star yet.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's still time in my career, dude. You don't know what I got cooking on the back burner.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You don't know what this guy's got cooking.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't understand, dude. You don't understand what's happening. You don't know what's going on. You know how this business works, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You understand the moves and the shakes. This guy's constantly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, I've been. I've been right there a lot, okay?

[Jacob]

Lewis and I are movie stars. We're all movies.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dennis Leary, you're not movie star height. You are fucking guest leading man height.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're prince height. You should start wearing heels.

[Bobby Kelly]

You should get a 400cc motorcycle. I'm a goal.

[Jacob]

I'm. I'm Kevin Hart height, okay? I'm a leading man short.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, he's not a lead man height.

[Jacob]

I am taller than Kevin Hart.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, not laying down, you're not. Let me tell you something there, buddy.

[Jacob]

Did I say that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart is the same height laying down and still standing up.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm out. If we're gonna do that, Kevin, let's put Kevin Hart. Couldn't go into the Brooklyn Bridge either. Just like that Mexican ship.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely. Also, because oftentimes there's a lot of people up on the top of his penis. They call it the observatory.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, this is such a weird conversation we're having. It reminds me, I watched Segura's new show this weekend.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No heads in the picture. I got to meet two amazing guys last night, I guess.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes. I watched Segura's new show this weekend, and have you seen it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. I heard it's good.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's so.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I heard it's wild.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tom Segura is fucking. There's something wrong with him in the best way possible, but there's something really fucking wrong with him, in his brain to come up with this show. Because we all sat down, I was like, hey, let's watch this show. Me, Max had to leave.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think a minute 20 into this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

First episode, for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's one episode I'll tell you about where he's. He shaved his face. He's got. What are you doing? I thought. You can't do hand gestures, dude. I thought you were saying break, but you were warming your hands up. I know he was doing this. I don't know what the. With all the hand gestures.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Mr. Miyagi. He just went to Pittsburgh, dude. It's a very holistic town, buddy. He.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's doing a thing where he's. He's got black long hair, Spanish, I think. Italian guy, shaves his face. He looks like a totally different guy. He's an amazing actor, too. Tom Segura is probably one of the best comic actors I've ever seen. He is fucking brilliant at acting. Does this thing, and he's. He's at an old folks home, and it's this guy, and he's dressed like an old school Italian with the khakis and the tuck. He's helping. He's like. I don't know how he does it. All these old people, they're in their shell, but now they're out. And he has this magic, and I. What does he do? And he's, like, helping all these old people. It's, like, amazing. This beautiful moment, and then all of a sudden, it just shows. He's got this old lady just eating his asshole and he's got his legs over his head. It's just so fucking shocking that he's just fucking all the old people, even the men. And they're like. They catch him. He's like, you gotta leave. And then he leaves. But they all go back into their shell. He's like. Like, we have to bring him back. What he does works, and they bring him back. It's so fucking wild.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So my fucking cancer out of children thing is now a stolen idea.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think that we should put it in, submit it for next season for.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This character to come out.

[Bobby Kelly]

For this character.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And now he has to fuck Cancer out of children. It's gonna be a hard press. As a guy who's pitched something to Netflix before, unsuccessfully, I don't know if they're gonna take this.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think this would be a great bit where the guy has to fuck kids.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He has to. He's got a duty to himself. He's curing kids of cancer, but no one's gonna believe him until the cancer is cured.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's gonna cure the kids of cancer. He's gonna fuck the kids. But he also gets. He should get his height. Cause he's a short king.

[Jacob]

I wanna live life, man. I wanna walk down the street. I told you. The worst blind date I ever went on.

[Bobby Kelly]

You wanna walk down the street and hit a stop sign and hear the ding ling, ling, ding.

[Jacob]

Bobby. I went on a bumble date years back. This is before I had my. I didn't put my height. It didn't click. I was like new to bumble. And I show up to the. Across the. The date and the girl's already there and she sees me, it's a visual thing. And goes like this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. She.

[Jacob]

And just her head dropped. I gotta do 25 minutes. Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, you should like. You should have walked up to. Went like this.

[Jacob]

Devastating.

[Bobby Kelly]

I saw you as soon as you saw me. You saw how short I was. I, I hear that, but give me a shot because I'm around 6 foot 5 on the inside.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Once I. All these cancer kids cured, I'm gonna be 6 foot 2. So just can you hang in there? See if you like my personality for a second before I children better and.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I. I'm gonna make them better, which is great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a lot to give in an early pitch. I know.

[Jacob]

Yeah, yeah. No, Jeeves. Jay, it's working.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I say this even. Even though that's not a real thing that the whole scenario, you should say that anyways. On a next date, you should just say, I'm gonna fuck kids and get height. But they will be cured of cancer. Try that. See if it works.

[Jacob]

I will try that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All right, cool. And she goes, all the kids you fuck are gonna be cured of cancer. You go, well, the ones that had cancer, that means you're still fucking other kids too. And then you go, nah, it's just a little bit of cancer. Fuck humor. That's. That's just a little bit of humor in the community of guys who get fucking kids clear of cancer, which is a community of one.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but he's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is this Wade Robson?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look at that. Michael Jackson's dick did all this.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, serious, look at him go. Wow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh yeah. What do you think? He's not doing that without the sweet, sweet ass pounding from the King of Pop himself.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did he get. Did he get banged?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Christine]

He was one of the kids in Leaving Neverland.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Vitamin Water Zero sugar has great taste.

[Christine]

Zero bs and obviously zero sugar for those with zero room in their calendar. Zero patience for slow walkers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Those who get zero hours of sleep.

[Bobby Kelly]

On a Saturday night.

[Christine]

Have zero filter, zero given and zero interest in grabbing.

[Bobby Kelly]

A plain boring water.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Grab a delicious vitamin Water.

[Christine]

Zero sugar today.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey everybody, Conan o' Brien here with.

[Bobby Kelly]

An ad about my podcast.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Conan o' Brien needs a friend. I've had so many fantastic conversations with people I truly admire.

[Bobby Kelly]

People like Michelle Obama, Bruce Springsteen, Maya Rudolph, Tom Hanks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

New episodes are out every Monday and we have a really good time.

[Bobby Kelly]

So subscribe and listen wherever you get your podcasts.