Sinners with Chris Stanley

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly Episode: Sinners with Chris Stanley Release Date: June 12, 2025

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1. Technical Glitches and Introduction

The episode kicks off with Jay Oakerson (01:06) and Robert Kelly (01:06) humorously addressing a technical hiccup:

• Robert: "You know, after 30 seconds, dude, we're in our asses jammed up. You think Wu Tang isn't checking to make sure Faction Talk isn't playing more than 30 seconds? Are you out of your goddamn mind?" (01:06)

This lighthearted banter sets the tone for an unfiltered and candid conversation.

2. Navigating TSA Clear and Concealed Carry Permits

Jay and Bobby delve into the complexities of obtaining concealed carry permits and the TSA Clear program:

• Robert: "Once I'm strapped. I'm so close to being strapped, Lou, it's crazy." (02:18)

  Discussing his application for a concealed carry license, Robert shares the bureaucratic challenges he faces.

• Jay: "Years and years and years ago, I looked in that, trying to get, like, a rifle license. And unfortunately, I've been arrested a number of times..." (03:04)

  Jay recounts his past attempts and the hurdles imposed by multiple arrests, highlighting the stringent requirements for obtaining a permit.

• Robert: "They hawk clear like they're selling comedy club tickets in Times Square." (06:07)

  criticizing the aggressive marketing tactics of the Clear program representatives.

Their dialogue underscores the frustration with governmental processes and the desire for streamlined access to security programs.

3. In-Depth Movie Discussion: "Sinners"

A substantial portion of the episode is dedicated to dissecting the film "Sinners," featuring guest Chris Stanley:

• Jay: "I did see Sinners. It was Black Dust till dawn." (15:05)

  They analyze pivotal scenes, such as the barn sequence that intertwines generations of black music, and critique character developments and plot devices.

• Robert: "The big problem was the Punisher. I mean, was like, you heard all the rumors about him wanting to be with dudes." (12:03)

  The hosts explore the film's portrayal of complex relationships and societal issues, employing their trademark blunt humor.

• Jay: "They really want to show you how far they've come along in the technology of this since Double Impact..." (17:13)

  Discussing special effects and technical aspects, Jay highlights areas where the movie falls short.

Their candid critique provides listeners with a comprehensive overview of the film's strengths and weaknesses, blending insightful commentary with comedic relief.

4. Pop Culture and Media Critique

Continuing their analysis, Jay and Bobby navigate various aspects of pop culture, including:

• Stephen King Adaptations:

  • Robert: "How does Stephen King do it time and time again? Something, anything Stephen King related if it doesn't end in a stupid alien." (41:36)

    They express frustration over recurring alien themes in King’s adaptations, juxtaposing them with the original literary works.

• "50 Shades of Grey" and Erotica:

  • Jay: "The character of Christian Gray, he was a billionaire, captain of industry, Bruce Wayne type but he was also a crack baby." (53:26)

    Exploring the origins and impact of erotica in modern literature and film, Jay and Robert critique character development and narrative choices.

• Vampire Lore and Representation:

  • Robert: "What's your favorite vampire movie? Lost Boys." (45:50)

    They humorously debate the practicality and aesthetics of vampire myths, questioning the plausibility and cultural representations in media.

5. Sports Talk: Buffalo Bills and Player Performances

Shifting gears, the hosts engage in a spirited discussion about the Buffalo Bills and their star player, Josh Allen:

• Jay: "I'm a Buffalo Bills fan. Became a Bills fan. I just like to gamble." (36:03)

  Jay expresses his support for the team, while Robert critiques player performances and team strategies.

• Robert: "Imagine him running lines with her. Throw that ball. Make that money." (37:17)

  The conversation highlights the interplay between sports performance and personal biases, infused with humor and playful jabs.

6. Final Thoughts and Closing Remarks

Wrapping up the episode, Jay and Robert reflect on their discussions and tease upcoming shows:

• Robert: "Chris, thank you so much for being here." (57:29)

  • Jay: "Thank you." (57:37)

  They encourage listeners to check out Chris Stanley's podcast and promote their upcoming live shows, maintaining engagement with their audience.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Robert on Concealed Carry: "I have to stand online like a piece of garbage." (03:56)
• Jay on Secretive Operations: "You know, the process of the BBL'd already fat lady who comes over to use her fingerprints to turn it on." (07:12)
• Robert on Movie Plot Twists: "When you find out retrospectively that when you find out you've blindfold fucked somebody and you find out who it was on the other side of that blindfold, it's never gonna be Cassie." (13:17)
• Jay on Vampires: "If you could turn to a vampire and you're fat and nothing's ever gonna change, that would suck." (45:50)

Conclusion

In this episode of "The Bonfire," Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly deliver a blend of sharp humor and honest critique across various topics, including movie analyses, pop culture phenomena, and personal anecdotes about navigating complex systems like TSA Clear. Their engaging dialogue, punctuated with memorable quotes, offers both entertainment and insightful commentary, making it a valuable listen for both regular fans and newcomers alike.

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Note: Times in brackets refer to the timestamp in the original transcript for reference.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[A]

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[A]

Let's get [e-mail] the Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. And now the bonfire with Big J. Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[B]

You know, after 30 seconds, dude, we're in our asses jammed up. You think Wu Tang isn't checking to make sure Faction Talk isn't playing more than 30 seconds? Are you out of your goddamn mind?

[A]

I'm sorry, I forgot. What the hell's going on?

[B]

You think the Rizza needs my money? Did anything.

[A]

Yes, Christopher.

[B]

Did anything make you feel more cool to be from New York than when Wu Tang came out? Oh.

[A]

Oh, my God. It was the best. Right? Because it was all.

[B]

You're Queens, right?

[A]

Oh, I'm Queens, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a borough, right? In Staten Island. And mostly Brooklyn, to be totally honest. Like, most of them are from Brooklyn.

[B]

They really are.

[A]

And the Method man comes out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that was back when you could have guns and music videos, like on mtv.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Like the. The Method man song. Like, I think there's just multiple dudes with Uzis just flashing them.

[B]

Dude, Onyx, throw your guns in the air. Is just all of them holding guns. And there was that video I found a while back that I forgot. I think it was the same source. Aw. Where Suge Knight and P. Diddy, like, went back and forth.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

P. Diddy came with love, though, on that one.

[A]

Freak off love.

[B]

Freak off love. Suge Knight was looking for a problem. But later, the crowd was so shitty, like after all that going on, that Onyx went up and performed. And they didn't like to have the way the crowd was going, so Sticky fingers just shot into the ceiling.

[A]

That's a good idea. You should do that at some stand up shows.

[B]

See, once I'm strapped. I'm so close to being strapped, Lou, it's crazy. I'm going to the police department tomorrow to really tell them that Christine's a lunatic.

[A]

Did you see you carry around large. Large amounts of money? That's how you carry. License here?

[B]

I applied for a carry.

[A]

Did you?

[B]

I think they said it was more than just applying for it. But I did apply for it. It looks like it might be coming my way. A concealed carry. Let me tell you something. When I got two fucking biscuits under my armpits.

[A]

Do you have the blicky on you?

[B]

Oh, absolutely. I said, I'm gonna call it every. Put on the last verse of Talk Shit Gets Shot. You know that song By a Body Count. That's my favorite. The end of that song is, you can get twisted with the biscuit, icky with the bl. And I was like, I'm gonna call my guns all these things.

[A]

Of course you are, man. Years ago. Years and years and years ago, I looked in that, trying to get, like, a rifle license.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And unfortunately, I've been arrested. Like, I've been arrested a number of times in different places. And they were like, you gotta go to the precinct that you're arrested at and, like, give, like, get. Get your report and then to give it to him to, like, even be considered to get a gun. Luckily, I didn't do that. I also can't get pre check because I went in and the cop was like, it was a global entry and pre check. I go into the office and like, jfk, It's a cop interviewing me. And I was like, being a good boy, and I was like, gonna tell the truth. And I was like, I got arrested this time, and I got arrested that time, and I got arrested this. He was like, you know the charges. I'm like, I don't. I don't know, man.

[B]

You're like, whoa, do I smell bacon, bro? Whoa.

[A]

And they wouldn't give it to me, so I have to stand online like a piece of garbage.

[B]

That's crazy. It's awful because it is. I haven't found anything easier to get than global entry in TSA. PreCheck. It's almost like they're annoyed you have to go through this. Like, it's like, yes, come this way. Go over there. The person's like, what? You want global entry? Sure. Here.

[A]

Well, that's how I got around. I got clear, which is like, sort of pre global or whatever the hell it's called.

[B]

I don't know why all your the only way that's shorter is because people don't want to pay for it. Yeah, but if you do pay for.

[A]

It, I have to.

[B]

You find. Well, I pay. I have it too. Oh, but I think there's also credit cards you can get that just comes with clear.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you like. It gets you into like, concerts and whatnot.

[B]

Just the Garden.

[A]

No, Barclays too. There's like a side entrance.

[B]

Really? And it's never necessary.

[A]

Oh, it's very necessary to make me feel better about myself.

[B]

Okay, that's fair.

[A]

It's like, look at all these poor people. Can't afford clear.

[B]

You guys don't have clear?

[A]

Idiots.

[B]

The process of the BBL'd already fat lady who comes over to use her fingerprints to turn it on. And then you have to do your eyes. And then half the time, if you travel with any kind of frequency, you're gonna have to pull your license out anyway.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It goes. You got randomly flagged constantly. It's a slower process than any other line. What's got going on in the airport.

[A]

What I like is it's janky as hell. So like with the clear thing, it's like, all right, the. The agent or whatever will like scan your eyeballs or your idea or whatever, and then they'll just escort you to the front of the line.

[B]

I do like that.

[A]

That's pretty nice.

[B]

I like that. I like really looking at the. Oh, but you're getting escorted to the front of regular.

[A]

Yeah, regular. Yeah.

[B]

See now what happens there is like, those people know they're pieces of shit, so they deserve what's coming to them when you jump in front of them. Let me tell you what. TSA PreCheck.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or digital ID people.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

They don't particularly like when you get brought to the front of that. If you go clear.

[A]

Oh, no. God no. Because they've gone to the back.

[B]

I've got stuff. Yeah, yeah. I went to a building, my fingerprints are in the system. And you're gonna let some piece of shit dressed like me walk in front of you?

[A]

No, I'm not taking my shoes off. And all these electronics are staying in my bag.

[B]

I just. When I walk by them now. Cuz they. By the way, they hawk clear like they're selling comedy club tickets in Times Squared.

[A]

I mean, it's LOL comedy club.

[B]

They. I mean, they tackle you by the ankles and they are right at the top of the elevator. I always got to give my game like double. I give him peace signs. I go I got it. I got it, I got it.

[A]

That's how they got me. I was, like, on a long line, and they were just poaching people from the line of regular poor people. He's like, look, dude, sign up. But, like, Cancel, like, in 35 days, because then I get my commission.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

All right. And then I've been paying for it for four years.

[B]

Oh, and then when you. When you're walking down the concourse to get to the gates, then they have the. The tall drink of water lady who is seductively trying to get you to get a credit card, but she's just sitting there in a Delta uniform tying cherry stems with her tongue.

[A]

I do like, credit card points.

[B]

Yeah. She goes, do you know if you use points just Even at a grocery store, it'll get you another.

[A]

I'm just staring at your mouth.

[B]

It's always a black woman with natural hair, but she's gorgeous.

[A]

Of course. Yeah. They know what they're doing.

[B]

Natural hair, but, like, straight natural hair, which means they went through the time and excruciating pain and tears.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To make that hair straight. Because it's a combing process that I can only probably describe as trying to pull out the worst fucking splinter possible.

[A]

It's like trying to figure out cold fusion.

[B]

Oh, my God. To run a comb through a. A black woman's hair dry.

[A]

And then make her sell credit cards to travelers.

[B]

Oh, she give national secrets. It's crazy. It's the bonfire. I should probably say that. Faction talk. SiriusXM103.

[A]

This is clear Talk.

[B]

I'm Big jokes. This is Clear Chat with the Boys. You're on Clear Chat with the Boys. How do you like to travel, by the way? Can I say this about clear? When you walk by and you say you have it, why don't they give you a little more of like, oh, cool. Oh, they're just kind of like, yeah, then get out of here, dude. I'm done with you.

[A]

They. If they know they have you, they don't care about you. And now there's Clear plus, which costs even more.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

Which gets you, I guess, even more in front of the other Clear people.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

System shit's driving me crazy.

[B]

An eyeball scan. I think they tried to do that.

[A]

Very Total Recall.

[B]

Yeah. I think Joe Rogan's comedy club. I think the technology might still be there. But the green room door was supposed to be like, all comics can use it. Because it was like, it scanned your fingerprint.

[A]

Oh, that's what I want.

[B]

Or your eye. I Don't remember which one. Either way is. What I know is now when you go there, it is 100% open. All of the time, though. There's no one's. They were like, you know what? That's annoying. What a fun idea for the first day.

[A]

Next time Tony Hinchcliffe's in New York, I'm gonna dig his eyeball out so I can get access to that goddamn green room.

[B]

Gonna hold his eyeball.

[A]

Oh, that was crazy.

[B]

Yeah. Ah, shit, Chris. Looks like we're not gonna be able to get into this. Son of a bitch. He goes, oh, you don't think, buddy. Your top. Your top pocket.

[A]

I'm not even performing today.

[B]

I just want to see this green room. I heard there's smelling salts in there. And there is. The great Chris Stanley is joining us today. Bobby Kelly. Home family situation. Family stuff he had to do.

[A]

Hope everything's okay.

[B]

And his wife are breaking up.

[A]

What?

[B]

I don't think I was supposed to say it.

[A]

No. Dump out of that.

[B]

She's leaving him. How long do we have? Seven seconds. She's leaving him for a person of color.

[A]

I hope only person of color came.

[B]

Out to really just confuse everyone. Person of color. Did you? You know, it's a bummer. I just saw Christine sent to the group today that Kanye west re released the hail Hitler song and changed hail Hitler to hallelujah. But here's the problem. He didn't change the one part that I still can't sing. I could say hail Hitler all day long. I'm Jewish, I think. But the N word is still in there. Of course, it's still so catchy.

[A]

But I really. I think everyone obviously is focusing on Heil Hitler. And all my N words are hiling Hitler, however it goes.

[B]

But all my N words are Nazis. N word. Heil Hitler.

[A]

That's it. Yes, that's exactly it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's why I'm not Kanye. You know what I mean? But the beginning of the song, before it even gets to any of that, talking about being a cuck and being addicted to nitrous.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that is weird.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I like to watch my girl have sex with another guy. I don't even know if I disagree with it as much as I'm like, weird thing to pop in the song, but that's the least. That's the least of his thing. Yeah. How about the other song that it opened with? That's what I gave my cousin head.

[A]

I gave my cousin head. Outside of Diddy, Kanye might be the horniest of any person. In hip hop.

[B]

It's good. They were enemies, I guess, because they must have been.

[A]

Well, yeah, cuz he, he released the thing. We're calling Diddy a fed, I think on Instagram.

[B]

Okay. Because they must be enemies because Diddy, you think of all people that would be named in like being part of a weird thing, Kanye would be front center. His name's not in it at all.

[A]

No, but like six months ago there was some influencer said that he R'd her, so.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

[B]

What are they gonna do? I came with the. To get. They have such a long time for these testimonies. Do you think we get down to like, remember the little white guy that used to hang out Rockefeller?

[A]

Oh yeah.

[B]

There's just a little white guy that used to be with them all. They called him something. He had some nickname and he was just like a little like, like half wigger kid.

[A]

I saw. So now anyone who's testifying is now getting extra play. And I saw Cameron interviewing one of the male prostitutes.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Who was, you know, you know, just, you know, being the bull to the cuck situation.

[B]

Did he use just his regular name or was his name like we're here talking to Dagobah system.

[A]

I mean, he went by the Potter.

[B]

Okay, I, I seen this. I seen that name.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

He wears a. An executioner's mask.

[A]

Yes. He cuts medieval serf's heads off.

[B]

But then he's better some guy named Jeff come in and fuck Christine than a guy named the Punisher wearing an executioner's mask. First of all, the neighbors are going to talk about that guy showing up.

[A]

Oh, God. Did you guys see who just walked in our house?

[B]

Hey, across the street, the new people. I think I just saw a giant black executioner wearing a. A strap.

[A]

They're just Polly, don't worry, honey.

[B]

Honey, that's the Punisher.

[A]

But the Punisher is great because he said he had no idea it was Cassie or Diddy for an entire year of being brought to freak offs. Really had no clue. He had no clue. Puff Daddy was there watching him bang out Cassie because he had to wear.

[B]

That mask, I guess.

[A]

Yeah. And until one day he got there early and they put him in another hotel room. And he saw on the tv, what's Puff Dad's real name? Sean comes. He's like, oh, welcome Sean Combs. And things like, almost like the coffee cup dropping at the end of Usual Suspects. It all came together. It was Diddy this entire time. He just didn't know who she was. He didn't know she was. He thought it was some other.

[B]

When you find out. When you find out retrospectively that when you find out you've blindfold fucked somebody and you find out who it was on the other side of that blindfold, it's. It's never gonna be Cassie.

[A]

No shit.

[B]

When you go, hey. Blindfold goes, hey, you want to see what you fucked? It's always gonna be something hilarious.

[A]

Not like one of the most attractive humans on the planet.

[B]

Guess who it was.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Cindy Crawford.

[A]

And this guy was like, look, the worst of it all was, you know, I was. He was, you know, doing drugs constantly, you know, banging Cassie in front of Puff Daddy. But his big problem was the Punisher. I mean, was like, you know, you heard all the rumors about him wanting to be with dudes. He just didn't want Diddy to go and come anywhere near him, to blow him or whatever.

[B]

Oh, did he say that he was down for it?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, all those stories came out of, like, you know, lesser artists, like, getting, you know, having to blow Diddy constantly, like, in random parties. Diddy's just constantly getting blown by dudes, according to other people.

[B]

I don't. It's the def. It's the. It's definitely why I'm not bisexual is because I don't even believe in it for men.

[A]

You'll love the taste of dick.

[B]

Me, Can I tell you something? I can see. I can visualize the concept of blowing a guy more than looking down and seeing a man's face wrapped around my dick. I don't know why.

[A]

Ouch. Double.

[B]

I don't want either of those things. But does it make sense? Like, in my mind, like, I can process the functionality of, like, maybe closing your eyes and doing the job versus staring down and having to try to enjoy a man's face around your dick.

[A]

I hope I'm doing a good job.

[B]

I hope he doesn't think he's not doing a good job is my concern. I have to look down. I have to give encouraging faces while he's doing it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Am I making enough eye contact?

[B]

Should I put my hand on top of his head? What do I do?

[A]

More spit.

[B]

Ah. Did you see Sinners yet?

[A]

I did see Sinners.

[B]

It was black dust till dawn.

[A]

All right, if this is a spoiler zone. Yeah, it was black dust till dawn. But here's. Here are my thoughts on it. Right?

[B]

Spoiler zone. What's the spoiler? Vampires.

[A]

I mean, yeah, I think some people.

[B]

Did give it Away.

[A]

I mean, I. I mean, yeah, yeah, but some people didn't. Actually didn't know that I loved it a lot. But the one. You know, the scene everyone talks about when they're in the barn and it's like the dancing through all the. All of the generations of black music.

[B]

I almost had to watch a. I planned to and forgot last night to watch a video. I know I'm a dummy. So whenever I like a movie at all, I go, that movie explained on YouTube. And I let a smarter person tell me what I'm watching. That scene made no sense to me that I accepted Christine's stupid explanation of what it was. But here, as I look over at her face now, I'm thinking, she saw this on TikTok already and this is the actual answer. But she goes, well, he's a vampire, so it's going through, like, he's time traveling that it's. He's been through all of these errors of music. And I just went, maybe because I don't have a better answer. Well, yeah, but that's not it.

[A]

But. So everyone loved that scene. Everyone's like, good God, Ryan Coogler's done it.

[B]

What's the point of the scene?

[A]

Just to show their ancestors. And it was like, you know, from the beginning. Also, the movie when they're like, the vampire is like, I'm looking for you, dude. The guitarist kid, right? Because, you know, you have a power in your music. But the fucking. The future guitarist. Did you remember the guy that shows up immediately who's dressed like he's a guitarist from the future? Because it was like, it's. It's the future. It's the President's the past. I burst out laughing in the theater and people. Bootsy Collins, was it Boots here was a future man. Was it just a few? Just like a fucking st. Intended for a future dude. Everything else.

[B]

Oh, I thought it was like a Parliament Funk person is what it struck me as. Yeah, maybe like that 70s Galactic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Stupid.

[A]

Or like. Yeah. For a second I thought, was it like Sly in the Family Stone?

[B]

Yeah, I think Ish like that.

[A]

But if it was actually just. This is our idea of what a good guitarist looks like in the future. It's like, you could have done a lot better than that, man. Like, that looks crazy.

[B]

That was dumb.

[A]

Did you like the gratuitous murdering of whites at the very end that we didn't need at all?

[B]

I love the murdering of the. Of the Klu Klux. They were Ku Klux Klan members who had come Simply to fish in a barrel, these blacks in the morning, when they were all gonna be gone anyway. Didn't really make any sense.

[A]

Passed out off Hooch and Wickets.

[B]

Yeah. Just unconscious on the floor, I suppose.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The idea of the movie is, too. And also. So, Michael B. Jordan, his brother, twin gangsters coming back home, baby, to the bayou from. From Chicago, where they were working for Al Capone, I guess.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Instead of hiring two people to play the brothers, as they did in Regular. Dust Till dawn in White Dust Till dawn, when Quentin Tarantino.

[A]

White Dust Till Dawn.

[B]

Is that White Dust Til Dawn?

[A]

This one's for whites.

[B]

It's called White Sinners. Yeah, it's White Sinners in White Sinners they used. It was Quentin Tarantino and George Clooney. Yeah. No, they were brothers. This. Their brothers. Both of them played twin brothers played by Michael B. Jordan. And what. I'll tell you what I didn't like out of the Gates.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

They really want to show you how far they've come along in the technology of this since Double Impact, where one person has to have a full outline around them.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So the opening scene. And it looks so unnatural. The opening scene is the two guys sitting there.

[A]

Yeah, they're showing up.

[B]

Two Michael B. Jordans are sitting in the thing, smoking, sharing a cigarette for some reason. And when he smokes, he just. It's like a weird, like, holdout.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Of the cigarette. Yeah. And then, you know, he holds it out for too long, and then his brother, like, takes it out of his hand, and it's just like an obvious, like, splicing of something. That wasn't necessary. They could both be smoking. I wouldn't have asked too many questions.

[A]

Well, you know how cheap cigarettes were back then? Expensive. I fucked up.

[B]

I mean, is this the scene? He can't wait to look. It's such an unnatural, like, pause holding. And the other guy lets it go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He has to go before he moves it again.

[A]

Yeah. The DP was like, all right, dude, we can do this, but we're gonna need you to hold that for a second.

[B]

I don't like when filmmakers jerk themselves off in the middle of a movie. It bothers the fuck out of me.

[A]

Well, we saw that in White Dust till Dawn too, when fucking Tarantino was like, I'm going to have Salma Hayek face fuck me with her foot.

[B]

Oh, dude, everyone. Dave Smith points that all the time, too. He goes, you know what, guys? I know I'm the director here, so I don't Want to make anybody else have to put a dirty foot in her mouth. So I'll have Salma Hayek just come jam her toes in my mouth, and I'll look straight up at her fucking hunch while I'm doing it.

[A]

I'll take this one for the team, guys. Don't worry.

[B]

No prob. We're probably have to get about 75 angles on this thing, by the way.

[A]

Yeah, and use real tequila.

[B]

Yeah, her toenails are gonna be different sizes when we're done. I wouldn't say I love this. I liked it. I love vampire shit. Mm. A lot.

[A]

I thought the vampires were great. The. The main.

[B]

Dude, they were Michael Flatley in the. Yeah, yeah, the Irish.

[A]

What I was annoyed by, though, was Native Americans never showed back up. Remember the Native Americans that were chasing them down?

[B]

They're like, all right, your problem now.

[A]

Yeah, sorry, whites.

[B]

The vampires at the end, I thought.

[A]

At the very end, they, like, hear the Indian. Oh, really? Again?

[B]

Didn't solve anything. Besides, like, the having very good actors in it and stuff. It was a run of the mill vampire story here. It's been done a lot. They go in, vampires show up, they want in. The big thing on this one is you have to be invited. And luckily for these black people, they ain't into inviting these White House White people's in the house.

[A]

Beat it, whitey. Get it.

[B]

Whitey take off.

[A]

Except for Josh Allen's wife.

[B]

They had to wait for curious blacks to wander outside to start creating the issue. And I'll tell you what, by no mistake, the real fuck up of the story, the one who really blew it hard, is the dumb one quarter black white girl. Yeah.

[A]

Josh Allen's wife.

[B]

Fucking. Fucking. Whoa. Vicky.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I mean, woe Vicky. Did you see Sinners Louis? I didn't see it yet. The girl, she's in love with one of the twins. I don't know which one. They all look alike. You heard me say it. They're twins. Is this Haley Steinfeld?

[A]

Yeah. Haley Steinfeld.

[B]

Yeah, I guess it is. Now, this takes place, I guess, in the twenties.

[A]

I. When was Al Capone alive? It's a good. This is a great question.

[B]

I want to say roaring twenties, I.

[A]

Think there was Prohibition, Right. Because they were, like, selling hooch.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so. Yeah, it must have been the 20s or maybe even the 30s, because they. They just. Did they say they just got back from the war. Yeah, they were. They were 32. Okay. Yeah, they were. So they were like World War I. Yeah. Which actually, hold on. They would have been out of the military for like, what, 12 years when World War I end had been the 20s, right?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

See, I'm breaking this down too much.

[B]

No, it's okay. These are the. These are the questions people have to be willing to ask. World War I ended in 1918.

[A]

Wow. I was way off.

[B]

Yeah, this was probably gearing up for Dub Dub, too.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Hitler was rising to power here and.

[B]

All my N word's Nazis. N word. Hail Hitler.

[A]

Also, I'm a cuck who loves Galaxy Cats.

[B]

And then I suck my cousin's dick. Suck my cousin's dick.

[A]

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

[B]

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

[A]

Why was it that sample that. Yay.

[B]

But so this takes place, we're gonna say 1932. This one quarter black white girl talks like she's a fly girl in living color. She's like, why these. Why people always coming? She looks like a girl who's gonna come tell you you don't know her. And Mari Povich, I don't understand why she chose this. It's not a bayou thing. She's just doing modern wigger girl.

[A]

We're sorry. Haley Stack is the father. Not smoke.

[B]

Yeah. And complains, by the way. A lot of complaining about white people for this white girl.

[A]

Oh, she hates.

[B]

She goes, oh, because my daddy's. Because my mama's daddy is black that I can't be here at your party.

[A]

I like the voodoo lady, I think smokes a lady when he rails her out in that. In her voodoo shack.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. She has tits that I would say are abnormally large.

[A]

Oh. Huge breasts.

[B]

Yeah. Definitely back pain. Yeah, yeah, without a doubt.

[A]

Yeah. But, you know, the voodoo helps with that.

[B]

Voodoo does help with that. Someone else is feeling her pain in a picture or something. It's kind of weird. Hailee Steinfeld.

[A]

Who is she?

[B]

What? What else?

[A]

I know her from True Grit. Remember True Grit?

[B]

Little kid.

[A]

The little kid little girl. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Then she did a couple of random roles.

[B]

She's getting her box eating on camera.

[A]

Hell, yeah. She's getting some head dog. She's getting sloppy Toppy.

[B]

Yeah. Don't mind that at all.

[A]

And then she started dating Josh Allen, the Buffalo Bills. And then she got this movie and then just got married.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I will say it was interesting here. You know, where the movie really swayed from, like, real, like, before it even got to vampirey was the young man brought his girlfriend in the Back and this young black blues player went in the back and just started immediately eating a girl's pussy. What? Black guys eating pussy in 1932? I don't think so. What?

[A]

They didn't show. He ate the ass too.

[B]

Dude, no, not a chance.

[A]

Analingus.

[B]

Not a chance.

[A]

It's a technical term for it.

[B]

Nope. Black people just started going down on each other about 15 years ago.

[A]

The original name for this was Rimmers. And then someone's like, coogler, dude, America's not ready for this.

[B]

I can't move a movie called that. It was good. I mean, it was good. I enjoyed it.

[A]

I enjoyed it. Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I really enjoyed it. And then there was again. Spoiler alert. Turn it off if you care that much. But before, if you haven't turned it off. Yeah. The little blues. The little blues guy lives.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And goes through his life. And then what you find out was they just made a truce with Michael B. Jordan's the vampire twin.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And this dip, right. Yeah, it's her also.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They're the only two that got away from a whole. From a whole juke joints worth of vampire black people. So many that burned up in the sun also.

[A]

I thought, like, all right, so all these, like. They must have invited like ever. Almost every black person in that town.

[B]

Whole bayou. And then Delta Slim was playing.

[A]

No one's gonna be in that town anymore. The town was totally wiped out.

[B]

Town was completely wiped out. Definitely nobody working in the fields.

[A]

No. Or the Asians running the. The fucking general store.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. There was a little bit too much of like, the vampires were like, stupid in there. Trying to convince people like the Asian first of all. The two Asian people who also spoke like, they live in current day New York City.

[A]

They did kind of have.

[B]

None of them had like, like, oh, but my husband is out there. She goes, I'm getting my goddamn husband.

[A]

They're third generation.

[B]

And then when he turned into a vampire, he came over. He's like, come on, babe, let's go. And there's just murder and chaos happening around them. Yeah. He's like, hey, let's get out of here. And she's like, no, I think you're a vampire. He's like, being stupid. Come on, let's go. People just fly. There's people flying around. It was wacky. And then. Yeah. Michael B. Jordan, vampire, and Haley Steinfeld vampire, apparently escaped. And 70 some years later, show back up at the Blue Note, I guess.

[A]

No, that was hit. That was the guitar. His own club.

[B]

Oh. Because it Was named after the girl.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who's ate her. You eat her once, turns into a vampire and burns up. Now you gotta name a place after and ass. Oh, he probably did eat her ass too, now they think about it. I mean, World War I had just ended. Boom. Ban on don't. Don't eat this.

[A]

I mean, they were dealing with mustard gas and machine guns and like the Dead no Man's Land, you know, like the.

[B]

This is the least you could do. Boom. Ban on bone. Bone. But yeah, they just called like a truce. Like a vampire truce.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, because. Because that was just like his cousin or something, right? The guitarist was like, yeah, yeah.

[B]

The brother was like, don't kill our cousin.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you can go vampire Haley Steinfeld of the rest of your life.

[A]

Yeah, but only at night.

[B]

Damn. Could you imagine if you had to be partnered in vampire life forever with.

[A]

Somebody you're going to like? First of all, every fucking vampire has got to be in a polycule. I mean, they must all be fucking each other.

[B]

You probably have to be. But also what you have to do, you'd have to make a thing like, hey, I go, hey, Christine, I'm going to turn you also. Yeah, but in. Let's just give the actual run here, okay? We're going to stay looking like this forever, but when I'm 80 on the books, we go our separate ways.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got a couple.

[A]

I'd like to see you guys make it as vampires for centuries. Look, if it's a centuries you're gonna. Your entire outlook on life is gonna change. Because just look, there's one thing you gotta worry about. Don't look at the sun. That's it.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Then you have mind control. You can't be killed. You just have to whack a few people every now and then or turn them, like, see some chick or some dude who you like. And then bang, there it is.

[B]

Yeah, no, you could do that for sure.

[A]

You have to have an agreement at least 20 years in.

[B]

But Eternity Forever Forever, it's too long to be. Come on, that's crazy. Don't you want that experience of showing someone a movie they've never seen before? Again, just something.

[A]

Oh, I'd be so excited if I was in vampire when new movies came out.

[B]

Oh, no, I'm just saying, like with Christine, it's gonna be. What's gonna be the year 3004. And I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go, hey, did I ever show you Heat with De Niro? She goes yes, Jay. We've watched Heat seven centuries ago and Heat too. There was a Heat too. I forgot about. He too.

[A]

Oh, no, it's coming out.

[B]

Yeah, I keep hearing that.

[A]

Yeah, it's like it's gonna be. Not a reboot, but back in time.

[B]

I can't talk, but it's the two of them again.

[A]

I think it's gonna go back and forth from present day with old ass Pacino and De Niro and back to when they were young and like, I think also maybe like a young Val Kilmer, but some actors.

[B]

It's a cash grab.

[A]

Yeah. Tom Sizemore. Two dudes from that movie are gone time. Sizemore and Val.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Val Kilmer's now gone. But Wayne Grow still with us.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[B]

Kevin Gage. I think that's his name.

[A]

And then who's Danny Trejo still with us, right? I think so, yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Bad health, though, I think.

[A]

Can't be good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

With all the prison and whatnot.

[B]

So old and tattoos and. Oh, man. I don't know why I'm looking at the picture again. It's making me angry. The way she talked again, all over again. She goes, don't let them white people in here. You're white. Get your ass up out here. I'm back here, man. My cornbread. It's not even.

[A]

It wasn't like our grandfather. She was like my mama's. Mama's mama's father, who was black. Yeah, it was a stretch. She's like. I was like. I was like, I think I'm more Hawaiian than this girl is black.

[B]

It felt like it went also from like, good acting to, like, such ridiculous. When they would become vampires and walk back up to the place and go, oh, man. Well, let me help you clean up. Just go ahead and invite me in and I'd like to come. He goes, but you've been here. They'll say that too. You've been here all night. He goes, I know, man, but it's only polite to ask somebody to invite you in before you like. It was so on the nose.

[A]

To be fair, though, if you're a vampire, you have to have every misdirect to figure out how people to invite you into their home. Yeah, you have to be thinking about that constant.

[B]

They probably didn't have them all figured out by the 30s, huh?

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no. I need to hear this dingbats voice. Dingbat. Why is she at dinner? She's great. I love Hailee Steinfeld. She keeps Josh Allen happy. And that's what I'm happy. Hi, Zoe Saldana. Welcome to T Mobile. Here's your new iPhone 16 Pro on us.

[B]

Thanks. And here's my old phone to trade in.

[A]

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[A]

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[B]

I feel like I have to give you something in return for karma.

[A]

That's okay.

[B]

I don't really have much in my purse. Oh, let's see. Hand sanitizer. It's lavender. I'm good.

[A]

Seriously.

[B]

Let me check this pocket.

[A]

Oh, mints. Really, I'm fine.

[B]

Oh, I have raisins. I'm a mom. Wait, wait one sec. I've got cupcakes in the car.

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[A]

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[B]

Big Buffalo Bills fan, are you?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Love the Bills. Hell yeah. This is their year, buddy.

[B]

I bet you're happy. What did. How did Ron feel about Barkley being on the COVID The Madden curse on.

[A]

On Bennington today. He told me to take. So the betting lines are out for like year long, rushing for a bunch of players and it's 1500 and a half yards over under. He was like, just take the under, man.

[B]

For Saquon.

[A]

Let's take one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, it's like a. He already got the. The Super Bowl. It's fine. Everything's okay. He's a God there now.

[B]

Yeah, but you want to be another one still there right now. You have the team to do it. You might as well try to do it again.

[A]

You have all these young white cornerbacks.

[B]

You're not a Giants fan.

[A]

No. God, no. No, no, no.

[B]

Never been.

[A]

Never been a Giants fan.

[B]

Bills.

[A]

I'm a Bills fan. Became a Bills fan. I just like to gamble.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

I mean. But now I. I feel attached to the Bengals. Not the Bangles, the Bills. I love Josh Allen. He's a maniac.

[B]

Yeah, he's this dumb wigger.

[A]

Imagine him running lines with her.

[B]

Throw that ball. Make that money. Say that we apologize to Snoop Dogg. You know what I'm saying? On behalf of what he said. No, cap. Real Snoop Dogg. That's wo. Vicky apologizing to Snoop Dogg.

[A]

That pass.

[B]

Did you ever hear that?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, I see that.

[B]

I said we didn't even say something like. Then the guy talks and he goes. All this new dog island. I mean, they stand on my disrespect.

[A]

Boom hour decision. But sometimes didn't she go like swerve hard into Trump?

[B]

Oh, Sam Tripoli respond. New kink. Online porn star Emily Willis left permanently disabled after California rehab stint. New kink unlocked. Sam Tripoli.

[A]

That's already free use. That's already a kink. That's not. Do you want to hear this girl talk?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I thought you were saying you want to hear some free use Porn. Yes, it's kind of one sided. Not really. Not yet. Leave.

[B]

I tell you, it didn't matter as.

[A]

Long as you love it.

[B]

But that'll be horseshit advice.

[A]

It's that Mississippi shit. Love it.

[B]

What are you? What am I? Why come you mean that? I'm a human being.

[A]

Oh, well, she's infected with the woke mind virus and later on vampire virus.

[B]

No white person had to defend themselves about being white in 1932. What do you. What difference does it make? The color of my skin? Aren't we all just people?

[A]

When's the. When's the. The big dance party with people from the past?

[B]

Ah, Christ.

[A]

What's Ryan Cooler direct? He did this. He did Black Panther.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Black Panther.

[B]

Yeah. I asked Black Lou what else he did outside and Black Blue. Couldn't remember.

[A]

You couldn't remember Black Panther and then Oakville Station. I think that was his first movie. He's young as.

[B]

Oh, is that his first thing?

[A]

Yeah, he's like 35.

[B]

That was Michael B. Jordan too, right?

[A]

I think so.

[B]

I remember. Was that him? That was the funniest movie ever because.

[A]

That'S Michael B. Jordan is his Leo.

[B]

Well, now I'll say why I don't like Ryan Coogler's movies. Fruitvale Station was a great movie, except for the fact that's the one I always point out. That's about the cop killing the kid. Yeah, in the BART on the train station in San Francisco, I believe it was.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we talked to people who are. I know people who live out there that ran for that story and they go, look, it's what happened. The cop, you know, he says at least he thought he was pulling out his taser. He was on the kid's back, and then when he shot, he realized it was the gun and he killed the kid. That's a sad story. Either way, the kid was in a gang and he was a drug dealer. In the movie, they make it that day. That day he gets up and he's like, man, I'm gonna stop selling drugs, start taking care of my daughter better. And then he goes and meets the drug dealer and throws the drugs like in the water. He's like, I'm not doing this shit no more. And then the drug dealer has like a, hey, good luck. And it's like that. It's like all that happened, it's like, listen, you know they did the same with Biggie Smalls. Biggie Smalls always in the end of that movie, he's like, hey, Big, come on, we're getting ready to go to that party in that car you get killed in. He's like, hang on, let me call everybody important and tell them I'm thinks about to change.

[A]

Also, now that we know Diddy and his true colors have finally come out, how much ring did Biggie Smalls do? God must have been there for every freak. Early freak off.

[B]

But now I'm can't. I can't believe that Diddy didn't get his head blown off with his mouth on. Biggie's in the car or whatever was happening. Can you imagine that? All those bullets right now and you just see Biggie in the security foot. You see Petey's head pop up like, what's going on? He's in the back. He just pops like a weasel. Just sucking dudes off in the back of an Escalade.

[A]

I'm Diddy. I like everyone to blow me.

[B]

God damn.

[A]

He did Creed too, Jay.

[B]

Huh? He did Creed too.

[A]

He did Creed.

[B]

Okay, I'll accept it. He really does only work with Michael B. Jordan, huh?

[A]

Loves him.

[B]

He loves his body.

[A]

Dude dripped.

[B]

He goes, hey, if you get really in shape, I'll probably work you more, okay? He had to play twins. God damn, that cigarette handoff made me furious when I saw it.

[A]

I'd be annoyed having to remember lines for two people. This is ridiculous. Ryan, come on.

[B]

Lewis told me also, he oversold. He goes, also was really good. Is like, they're two different characters, man. Like, they really. He does a good job of playing two different characters. Did he? That was the same character twice, quite honestly.

[A]

Yeah. Well, they're twins. It makes it easy.

[B]

Well, that movie, I saw that movie, the Monkey, and that was one guy playing twins, the guy from White Lotus playing twins. They were very different. It was made from a Stephen King short story, the Monkey Fun, where I think a monkey kills your enemies or something.

[A]

How does he come up with it?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

How does Stephen King do it time and time again?

[B]

Something, anything Stephen King related if it doesn't end in a stupid alien. When I thought it was like a vampire or werewolf movie.

[A]

A lot of aliens.

[B]

A lot of aliens.

[A]

Especially latter day Stephen King. I mean, well, it's an alien. Yeah, it's an aliens and alien.

[B]

It's an alien thing also. Dreamcatcher. Alien, Alien. Didn't see that coming at all.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What was the other one? The one that got me the worst? And I think I'm right about this. When I first moved to New York and didn't even have cable yet where I had, like, basic cable.

[A]

It's disgusting.

[B]

It's disgusting. On a 15 inch screen TV.

[A]

I gotta go.

[B]

That's. That's enough.

[A]

It was a flat screen, right?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Tube. Sitting on an ottoman as a. As a table for it.

[A]

My mouth tastes like bile right now.

[B]

It was bad, but Rose Red was a miniseries. Stephen King miniseries that was on like regular ABC or CBS or something.

[A]

Oh, yeah, that motherfucker ran the miniseries.

[B]

And I was invested as well. It's a haunted house thing, it seemed. And it was pretty good.

[A]

I remember this.

[B]

And then I believe at the end, motherfucking aliens. I'm like, yo, this is a haunted house thing.

[A]

What was the other miniseries? It was like eight hours. Was it the Stand?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Stephen King. I don't think that was aliens.

[B]

That was just virus.

[A]

No, that's. That's the multiverse, actually, because that guy, the. The devil in it or whatever, he shows up in Dark Tower. Dark Tower. Yes, exactly.

[B]

The gunslinger. That's where this whole thing loses me. He's got too much time on his hands. I like his short stories. Mm. They become better movies.

[A]

I feel like I tried to read. I read the first book of the Dark Tower, and then I was like, I'm not gonna stick with this.

[B]

I don't know what they're talking. I watched the movie and I don't know what's going on.

[A]

Oh, no. Yeah. Like the first book, if you read it, you have no idea what's going on on.

[B]

And then they redid the stand.

[A]

They did.

[B]

Which I sort of liked.

[A]

What did that guy say? Moon. Right. That was like Dover from coach.

[B]

Dauber from coach.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was. He was like. He would have been on the down syndrome show.

[B]

Wasn't Dauber's girlfriend on Coach Judy Gold, was it? I think so.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

Dauber.

[A]

He was crushing it.

[B]

Oh, is it really? That's how it's spelled. Dauber. Didn't see that coming. I thought it was D, O O B. Redneck. Is that like Duber?

[A]

Oh, no, he would. In the movie, he was like, M, O o, o, N. That spells. And it would be any word that.

[B]

Was in the Stand.

[A]

That was in the Stand. Yeah, he was a little. Special needs.

[B]

They redid it again with. What's the guy Amber heard was in it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Before. I think she duked. And. And the scars guard, kid.

[A]

There's a lot of scars guards.

[B]

Yeah, but the blonde, the vamp, the one that was the vampire and true blood sinners. You're thinking Alexander.

[A]

Oh, Yeah, y know, he was in, I think the final season of succession.

[B]

Christina had a real big laugh at me because I did enjoy several seasons of True Blood before it jumped the shark.

[A]

I've never seen one episode of True Blood.

[B]

You're missing out, buddy.

[A]

It wasn't True Blood. I. I heard it's a great show and watch it. It's just funny how much Jay loves vampires.

[B]

I love magic and vampires. Oh, we have a big laugh at me because I saw couple. I mean, I saw all of them, but in theaters. I only saw two or three in the theaters.

[A]

Twilight, huh? I've never seen a Twilight.

[B]

Yeah, because you couldn't even wrap your brain around the idea of a vampire and werewolf fighting over you. You wish. You wish.

[A]

They were both so hot, both those guys.

[B]

I know. I like the picture that maybe a woman doesn't see the real me, but if I'm a wolf, there's no such thing as a fat wolf.

[A]

No.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

It's a wool. It's like out in the wild, you know what I mean?

[B]

Oh, I'll be muscular as a wolf.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You'll see. And then like, sure, schlub by day. But anytime I'm a wolf or a vampire, that would be also the worst.

[A]

What's your favorite vampire movie?

[B]

Lost Boys. You gotta say though, if you could turn to a vampire and you're fat and nothing's ever gonna change, that would suck.

[A]

Dude, you're right.

[B]

What if you're stuck? Fat vampire. It's like someone goes, I'm gonna bite you in the neck and turn you into vampire. Go. I'm not even against that. But give me like a fucking year to change everything. Like, I'm gonna. I will dedicate a year and then I could eat. You can eat whatever they want you rest of your life.

[A]

All the other vampires are so hot.

[B]

Yeah. Don't make me be a fat vampire. Just. I'm the pain in the ass. I show up for the parties.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hey, guys, just went through this silver security check.

[A]

Guess what? Fatty's here. He's gonna drink all the blood.

[B]

Hey, guys, do you guys. Where's the blood? See, he never even brings any.

[A]

Just poyman into Ralph's trough. Let that piggy slap it up.

[B]

Oh, don't minds if I do. You're the pain in the ass of vampires.

[A]

Was there a fat vampire in one of the blades? I feel like there was.

[B]

I'm sure. I mean, one of those rave parties.

[A]

Yeah, there had been some overweight.

[B]

I know there's no vampire. The vampire is always that. It's always like heavy techno, strobe, light rain, wet parties.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But you rarely ever see like the. Just like at home, like wearing dad clothes or something.

[A]

Well, Twilight kind of brought that in.

[B]

A little bit of that. Yeah, for sure. You're right.

[A]

Yeah. Because I think I've seen like bits and pieces of all of them. And like there's a dad, right? There's a dad vampire, but they're not actually. They're a family, but not like related.

[B]

The dad vampire is like a young guy in so many movies in my life that he was like the. I think the asshole boyfriend in Can't Hardly Wait.

[A]

You're right. This is like when they cast a 23 year old as a MILF in porn.

[B]

Yeah. Everything's all fucked up. The fat vampire concept lies. What is that?

[A]

There's a series that centers on Reginald Baskin, a morbidly obese vampire.

[B]

Morbidly obese. That hurts.

[A]

It looks like it depends on the lore whether it changes your body.

[B]

It'd be funny to see a bat flying, holding like a. Like a jazzy in the air because they know when it turns, when it turns back into a vampire, it's gonna need the jazzy.

[A]

Why make the vampire morbidly obese? Make them, you know, chubby.

[B]

I'm watching the scene where Bella is malnourished. That's. That's the girl from Twilight. Christine. I know is that's not her name? Her name's not Bella in real life. It's Kristen Stewart. They didn't say that. It says, I'm watching the scene where Bella is malnourished after giving birth.

[A]

Sad.

[B]

And her body bounces back to a desirable weight. So what they're saying is that. Yes, like you will, like somehow you'll become like the best version of yourself possible.

[A]

I like that his come is alive. Like the vampire nut is alive. He's dead.

[B]

Yeah, I think about that too. And if you overeat as a vampire, do you. How's it come out of you?

[A]

I think you just piss it out. It's blood, you know, like if you're like on a. Like a. Let's say like a water fast, like after like a month, there's. There's no something solid in that tummy of yours.

[B]

Nothing.

[A]

Yeah, you're just fucking pissing out your ass.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's right. Just fluids are gonna come out. So. Yeah, so it's just like. What if you take down like a porterhouse or something?

[A]

Oh, I Guess. I guess they can eat is possible. So then, yeah, I guess they would shit.

[B]

Well, you think they eat, but you were saying you couldn't eat if your body's not doing the functional stuff.

[A]

Oh, you're right. Yeah. Because the stomach wouldn't like you're dead.

[B]

So your stomach's not digesting and producing things. It's just sitting there.

[A]

I thought they only eat like vampires eat. I thought it was just. I think they can eat. Hypothetically. They can.

[B]

Like, sometimes they have a big meal before they. While they're enticing someone.

[A]

Sometimes they have like a little tray of crackers and cheese.

[B]

Awesome. Yes. They're also big on charcuterie. They are one thing. One thing vampires love. From at least the movies. I've seen apps. Not, I mean, apps out the ass. And if there's a cold and hot apps section on the menu, well, get me a seat here.

[A]

They love a seafood tower. Horseradish sauce. Reminds him of blood.

[B]

He goes, I prefer steamers over raw.

[A]

But okay, I'll shoot these.

[B]

If they consume human food, even for blending in, how they eliminate it is subject to the specific fictional rules. Some need to vomit it up, while others might have some sort of waste removal. Well, I'd rather throw it up.

[A]

Yeah, I think that would be the thing is you make yourself throw it up. I think that's it.

[B]

But if your taste buds did you. Can you not. What's the point? You go, this cheese steak tastes like nothing now. I think just gray.

[A]

Oh, you're right. Yeah, yeah. Because. Yeah, your taste bud. Everything should be dead outside of your ability to like, talk and like move or whatever.

[B]

Oh, you could see somehow.

[A]

Yeah, you can see. Yeah. And in the Twilight universe, you can impregnate a muggle. A human.

[B]

A human. Yeah. Yeah. Well, especially, I mean, got her pregnant. Did it turn her into a raging lesbian? Sure.

[A]

Did it.

[B]

Yeah. You've seen Kristen Stewart out there, dude, she got hairy armpits. And she was so beautiful. She was so beautiful. She really doesn't give a fuck. She wants to be a scuzz. She doesn't like either. She got sick of the constant producers trying to fuck her. Yeah, or it happened or something. Because she has spent her whole career trying to ugly herself up, it seems. Oh yeah, yeah, she was beautiful in that Twilight seal. Just like facially. She's a gorgeous chick.

[A]

Do you know that That's Twilight. I'm sure you know this is where 50 shades of gray came from.

[B]

No, really?

[A]

So the lady, I Forgot her name, 50 Shades of Gray. She was popular in the fan fiction scene online, in the Twilight community, and she was writing all these stories, and then she just replaced Bella and. Who's the dude?

[B]

Edward. Edward. Yeah.

[A]

She replaced their names with like Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele and was like, I'm just gonna print out this smut.

[B]

Because I'm gonna get rid of the vampire stuff and just have nuts dragging across this chick's face for 300 pages.

[A]

Not even. Dude, I've read all three of them. I love erotica.

[B]

Do you?

[A]

Can't get enough of it.

[B]

I didn't know that.

[A]

Oh, yeah, love.

[B]

Super love.

[A]

Like Nora Roberts. I don't know Nora Roberts. See, this is what this is. I got into it because on my parents bookshelf, there was the Godfather and there was Jackie Jack. Jackie Daniels, right? No, Danielle Steele and Jackie. Sure.

[B]

Jackie Collins. Yeah.

[A]

And they. In those books.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that was before I had a computer. This was before I had porn and I jacked.

[B]

You would read and be.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

That's so feminine.

[A]

I don't care. It's a good thing.

[B]

My ex wife said she used to read and beat. I think Christine's had a couple reading beats in her life. That's crazy to me.

[A]

I always put people. If you want to get some hot erotica. So going back to 50 Shades of Gray, it was very light. It was like not. It wasn't anything. There wasn't any true kink. There wasn't even any butt play. It's like one sentence of it in.

[B]

The third book now, isn't it? It's mostly like, you know, a light dragging of cat o nines across your back.

[A]

Pretty much, yeah.

[B]

It's. It's sexy. It's not BDSM where it's like you have to have an excuse for work tomorrow.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. But the. What it really was, that book was. It was like. It was item porn because Christian Grey would be like, I'm gonna buy you an Audi and I'm gonna get you a MacBook Pro. I swear to God, I'm not even not joking.

[B]

The movie.

[A]

The movie and the.

[B]

And the book does that.

[A]

Yeah. He's like, I'm getting you an Audi because is. It's. It's the safest car and you can. Nothing could possibly happen to you on a Sasha Steel.

[B]

It was. Oh, my God. I'll be okay in a second. I just need some Yokratum.com home the 60 kilo.

[A]

Oh, and the character of Christian Gray, he was a. It was a billionaire, captain of industry, Bruce Wayne type But he was also a crack baby. And he came out from. His mother was a crackhead and a sex worker, and. And he. He grew the giant, you know, Christian Grey Corporation. And he loved, you know, BDSM or Light.

[B]

He does. He likes to whip them. Yes, we like to get whipped.

[A]

No, he likes. He's like. He's like a sadist. Yeah. Man.

[B]

Do you ever believe a woman really respects and loves her husband when the husband's the guy who gets to have, like, the tail butt plug in and get, like, bitched around? That's so crazy to me that at some point in the day, you also have to go have some sort of, like a. Authoritative is the wrong word. But just have a. Respect your manhood in any way.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. Tonight we're gonna put the butt blood with the tail in, and you're getting cat ears. We're gonna do a little pet place on.

[B]

Yeah. The fact this, you have to go. You go. Daddy's been bad. Daddy's been bad. It hurts up Daddy's butt. So. Hang on a second. Hang on a second. Jennifer, did you fucking leave the oven on? Because I smell it going.

[A]

Don't break the scene. Be professional.

[B]

We're all trying to come here now. Baby needs right back into it.

[A]

Does baby need milk? Wait, why is she talking like a baby?

[B]

Yeah, Dakota Johnson, too. All I see is Don Johnson in that face.

[A]

That's why I'm attracted to her.

[B]

Can't get past it. She has man nips.

[A]

Look at this. He's going down on her center style.

[B]

Oh, but he.

[A]

I know from the books he does not eat ass.

[B]

Classic white behavior.

[A]

And then she put out a companion book that was like the. The story, but from his point of view, Christian Grace. And I don't know if she's ever. I mean, she doesn't have to write anything ever again. But if you want some hot erotica, get Maestra. That shit's good. It's a lady in Europe and she's a art history. She works at a gallery, and she gets sucked into this crazy world of international espionage and fucks her way through it all.

[B]

Always fucking her way through.

[A]

Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. At one point, she's snuck onto a billionaire's boat to steal a USB drive, and she has to fuck, like. I don't know, like the goons.

[B]

What made you get this book?

[A]

I was looking for some. I was so angry at 50 shades of gray. I was like, I need something.

[B]

Some real erotica.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. And this lady also got, like, a It was. This was right after the book. So this one came out shortly after, and she got, like, a movie deal immediately because it was like a. It sold a lot of copies.

[B]

So this book's gonna have a movie?

[A]

I don't think so. I think they realized people aren't so. But. But though.

[B]

Well, because the idea is for what you're looking for, there's the full thing of it if you want to see it. There is, like, real erotica where you can see that with actual or, like, real, like, parts being shown.

[A]

But see the thing with, like, Twilight. And I think for the shades of gray, the author purposefully didn't really overly describe the female character, which people think is so that. And if you're. It was geared towards women. So, like, women will attribute themselves to that character. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah. Women are dumb bitches and great imaginations. Yeah, yeah. Great imaginations. They're also stupid. You heard here first, everybody. Christine, you're not stupid. You're just love on the spectrum.

[A]

I'm not love on the spectrum. It's the men that want their balls stomped on.

[B]

Okay? Okay. Do not step up. For the record, I do not like my balls stomped on.

[A]

You are your dicks humiliated. I mean, men are. You guys are sick. You are an adult baby, though. Oh, yeah. You want to be in diapers. It's always the men. It's never women. No, you're right.

[B]

Diapers change.

[A]

You don't see any chicks who are into, like, I'm a baby.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you do. Oh, yeah, girl. Yeah. The dog. There's all kinds of. Oh, wacky. It's. We have to look. We have to go. We have to go. I know. It's a hard. What's it called? Hard Time Channel.

[A]

Hard out. No, Hard Times.

[B]

Hard Time channel. Serious XM Faction Talk. Hard Time. Chris, thank you so much for being here.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Make sure you check out Chris Stanley's podcast, High society radio on gas digital or wherever you listen to podcasts, YouTube and the like. Also, noon to tune Bennington right here on Faction Talk 103 every weekday. So goddamn funny. Bobby Kelly's gonna be the dojo on Mars Plains this weekend, everybody. Friday and Saturday, Portland, Maine and Rochester on deck. After that, punch up that live Robert Kelly. I'm in Long island this weekend. Governor's One show Friday, two shows Saturday. Josh Adam Myers, I believe. Gonna be out there, Paco. It's gonna be a whole little hang. San Diego. After that, Charlotte and tacoma for tickets. Bigj comedy.com. enjoy the pre record tomorrow. We'll catch you guys next week right here on the bonfire.

[A]

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[B]

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