Smallville w/Mike Finoia & Josh Adam Meyers

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly

Episode: Smallville w/Mike Finoia & Josh Adam Meyers

Date: November 5, 2025
Guests: Mike Finoia, Josh Adam Meyers
Theme: Comedy, cults, pop culture, organized religion, and wild stories

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Overview

In this episode, Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly are joined by comedians Mike Finoia and Josh Adam Meyers for a spirited, no-holds-barred discussion. The main topics are the recent release of actress Allison Mack from prison (of NXIVM sex cult infamy), the psychology of cults, the resurgence of Christianity among young people, comedic takes on religion, and personal stories about family and substance abuse. Hilarity, candidness, and irreverence abound as the hosts and guests comment on current events, comedy culture, and their own misadventures.

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Main Discussion Points and Insights

1. Studio Antics and Demerit Systems

[00:51 – 03:13]

• The show opens with banter about studio discipline and the idea of a “demerit system” for staff tardiness after breaks.
• Jay jokes about lacking respect in the studio and considers dressing more "powerful" as a boss:

  “Should I start dressing for power more? Maybe I should start dressing up for work.” — Jay [02:46]

• Mike Finoia and Josh join in, suggesting “power khakis” and branded wear.
• Playful musings segue into personal wardrobe habits and house shoes.

2. Allison Mack, NXIVM, and Cult Psychology

[03:44 – 13:07]

• The hosts and guests dive into news of Allison Mack (of “Smallville”), her release from prison, and possible next moves (like podcasting and public redemption).
• Graphic, comedic exchanges regarding the infamous branding rituals in NXIVM:

  “How did you feel when I branded your pussy?” — Guest [04:49]
  “Not a pussy. Like, you know, like, get, like, cherries next to you.” — Jay [05:10]

• The shallow allure of celebrity in cults and the extreme lengths people go for fame:

  “The depths people go through to be an actor is so gross. No one does that to become, like, you know, the best plumber.” — Jay [06:17]

• Debate on whether Mack will genuinely express remorse or revert to victimhood.
• Pessimistic takes on her potential as a podcaster and society’s short attention span:

  “She has one maybe six figure offer interview in her… I wouldn’t listen to her first full episode. I’m getting the Cliff Notes.” — Jay [08:38]

• Irreverent speculation about her personal life and marriage post-prison.

3. Cults as Social Security and the New Wave of Jesus Culture

[09:35 – 13:16]

• Jay riffs on the appeal of cults: the simplicity, community support, and lack of life's regular worries.
• Discussion about the resurgence of Christianity and "Jesus culture" among young, fashionable people:

  “Mullets, mustaches, dip and Jesus. That’s what these kids are into these days.” — Guest [12:38]
  “It’s like the conservative movement. The trad wife things in fashion. And that just goes hand in hand with Christianity.” — Guest [12:53]

• Observations of Hollywood “hip churches” like Mosaic, where trend meets worship.
• The comical disconnect between partying and Sunday devoutness.
• AI “Jesus” and algorithmic religious experiences.

4. Robert Kelly’s Courtroom Misadventure and Family Story

[14:05 – 19:12]

• Robert Kelly calls in, joking about narrowly avoiding jail after a court date caused by a fine, not a felony:

  “I supposedly had a hookup. My friend who’s a cop was like, you’re all taken care of… It was a $250 fine.” — Robert [14:40]

• Anecdote about arriving at his son Max’s football game—on the wrong day due to his wife Dawn’s confusion, which spirals into jokes about marital violence and playful penalties:

  “Would she say something or go to the cops if you just popped her one?” — Jay [16:27]
  “No, Dawn would take it and fight back.” — Robert [16:38]

• Laughter and mock advice for leveraging jail time for “cool dad” points with his son.

5. Smallville Podcast, Cults and Social Experiments

[24:05 – 26:33]

• Allison Mack’s new podcast launches November 10, but the hosts mock the idea it’ll be a simple "Smallville" re-watch instead of deep cult talk:

  “What if it’s just a Smallville re watch along podcast? Nothing to do…” — Jay [24:22]

• Theoretical musings about using AI to create a digital cult leader as a social experiment.
• Reference to the documentary “An Honest Liar” and the psychology behind followers and fabricated religious icons.

6. Faith, Atheism, and Crisis Prayers

[26:33 – 29:40]

• Guests and hosts share how personal tragedies or moments of crisis push people to or away from faith—a mix of sincerity and sarcasm:

  “It’s never struck me … anytime I pray, if you call it praying, several times a year, but it’s pure crisis.” — Jay [27:44]

• Humor around conditional “prayer deals” with God or general “the universe.”

7. Jewish Identity, Birthright, and Cultural Commentary

[28:18 – 30:19]

• Jokes about Jewish cultural milestones like Birthright trips and bar mitzvahs, including the “Groupon” and “Bogo mitzvah” bits.
• Mike describes succumbing to community hype, tempted by the promise of bar mitzvah money, but ultimately declining further involvement.

8. Would You Still Do Allison Mack?

[30:46 – 31:56]

• Jay and the crew riff on whether they’d sleep with Allison Mack post-scandal or get branded for her (“just above your dick”):

  "Jacob, would you still have sex with Allison Mack? The answer is yes. You would? Unquestionably, yeah." — Jay [30:46]
  “You could grow pubes over it.” — Guest [31:17]

9. On Redemption, Addiction, and “What If” Career Stories

[33:46 – 35:14]

• Discussion about storytelling in addiction recovery—preferring former addicts who can actually recall good times, not just grim narratives:

  “There’s nothing I love more…where people start getting religious and weird after stuff.” — Jay [32:50]
  “If I would have done opiates the night I did… I would have gotten SNL that year.” — Josh [34:05]

• Satirical “alternative career” stories if only breaks or substances were taken at the right/wrong moment.

10. Drug Use: Fantasies and Fear

[35:19 – 39:02]

• The group jokes about what circumstances would warrant serious opioid use (e.g., in palliative care):

  “When I get there—well, just know, boys, when you see me covered in sores and teeth and I’m wearing one shoe…it feels great.” — Jay [37:36]

• Stories about famous drug abusers, deterrents, and the comedic possibilities of “going out” on heroin.

11. Upcoming Shows and Plugs

[40:49 – 41:47]

• Show ends with tour promotions for Mike Finoia and Josh Adam Meyers, plus reminders to subscribe to The Bonfire Podcast.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “The depths people go through to be an actor is so gross. No one does that…to become the best plumber.” — Jay [06:17]
• “Mullets, mustaches, dip and Jesus. That’s what these kids are into these days.” — Guest [12:38]
• “If you don’t see me tomorrow night, you’ll know why.” — Robert (on fake-marital strife and comedic consequences) [19:02]
• “If I would have done opiates the night I did… I would have gotten SNL that year.” — Josh [34:05]
• “When you see me covered in sores and teeth and I’m wearing one shoe…just know, boys, it feels great.” — Jay [37:36]

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Key Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|-------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:51–03:13 | Studio banter, “demerit system” proposals, comedy fashion | | 03:44–13:07 | Allison Mack, NXIVM, cult psychology, branding jokes | | 09:35–13:16 | Jesus “cult” resurgence, LA hip churches, AI Jesus | | 14:05–19:12 | Robert Kelly’s fine, parenting stories, jokes about missing games| | 24:05–26:33 | Smallville podcast premise, AI cult leader speculation | | 26:33–29:40 | Prayers in crisis, family and faith stories | | 28:18–30:19 | Jewish cultural discussions, Birthright, bar mitzvahs | | 30:46–31:56 | Would you get branded for Allison Mack? | | 33:46–35:14 | Recovery storytelling, “what if” moments in comedy careers | | 35:19–39:02 | Fantasizing about drug use, fear and comedic detours | | 40:49–41:47 | Tour dates and wrap-up |

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Tone and Style

The episode is energetic, fast-paced, and extremely irreverent, featuring candid group storytelling, roasts, and “what if” scenarios laced with dark humor. Pop culture, current events, and personal anecdotes about parenting, comedy, substance use, and religion create the backdrop for unfiltered, often shocking comedy—true to The Bonfire's signature style.

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Transcript

[A]

Ah, the sounds of an Etsy holiday.

[B]

Woo hoo.

[A]

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[C]

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[A]

Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done.

[C]

And now the Bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[B]

I have a new studio role, but Christine's not back to hear it.

[D]

You want to tell us first?

[B]

I think we're going to have to have some sort of a demerit system if you're not back from the bathrooms when the show comes back on like.

[D]

A tardy bell, like in school.

[B]

Just something. I feel like it's very lax over here at the bonfire. I think we've been taken for pushovers. What do you think?

[D]

What do you think? What is it? Let's talk about it.

[B]

A lack of respect for me?

[D]

Is that what it is over here at the bonfire? AKA at you personally?

[B]

Dude, I'm so excited to see Onyx tonight.

[D]

Oh, Christine's here.

[B]

She's coming in with water. We're just gonna try to make it seem like it's a thing, but thank.

[D]

You so much for the coffee, Christine.

[B]

Thank you, Don.

[D]

Appreciate it. Thank you.

[B]

Gotta have commercial breaks. Have to. Everything's got to be done. Done in a commercial. Breaks. It's distracting the show and people are coming in and out.

[C]

How many shows though now? How many?

[B]

How much?

[D]

Thank you.

[C]

Out of the two hours of the block, how much?

[B]

We take a break at an hour in.

[C]

We take a break for what, five minutes?

[B]

What's that first one, though? Four.

[C]

Four minutes and then there's another one.

[B]

Well, that's the end of the show.

[C]

You end early.

[B]

45, 40 minutes later.

[D]

So maybe come back and say thanks and that's it, right? Maybe come back every so often. Not anymore.

[B]

Nope. We go as far as we can go before we don't have to take any more commercials. It's stupid. I'd rather do two big chunks than keep breaking it up.

[D]

You consider yourself a benevolent dictator or do you like to try to Make a nice, like, you know, give everybody rope.

[B]

And then I feel like I read like a poon or something.

[D]

You ain't a poon. I don't think anybody thinks that.

[B]

Every time I even complain, I go, hey, this doesn't. This makes the show not as good. And then everyone's kind of like, tough shit.

[C]

They treat you more like a moog than a poon.

[B]

They treat you like a mook. That's a good mood.

[C]

Not a poon. Poon's too, too harsh.

[B]

I'm a mook. It's my fault you think you're a mook. I'm a fucking mook. Maybe I should start dressing. Should I start dressing for power more? Maybe I should start dressing up for work.

[D]

Dude, if you wear like a Rob Zombie hoodie over a shirt and tie.

[C]

I was going to say like a quarter zip with a bonfire logo and maybe like some nice collar coming out.

[B]

It is my own fault in that regard. It's hard to be a boss wearing like fucking funny hoodies every day.

[C]

Do you own power khakis?

[B]

No, I don't even own a pair of power khakis.

[D]

Have you designated a pair of like house shoes now that you have the house? Like, are you wearing like. You got yourself some slippers?

[C]

It was a easy phone outside.

[D]

Sneakers for like walking the pup?

[B]

No, no, no. Always the same. I've had pair of flip flops or slides and that's it. Slippers. Some ugg slippers.

[D]

All right, so you got.

[B]

I've always had these things.

[D]

You don't wear them outside though?

[B]

No, not really. I'll throw on some old shitty sneakers to go outside.

[D]

Let's get back to you being a movie.

[B]

Too much sand, huh?

[D]

I don't think you're a mooc. I think we got a.

[B]

Hey, thanks, bro.

[D]

I don't think you're a MOOC there, Jay.

[B]

Hey, I don't think you know mooc. Anywho, to go back to the original thing we were talking about Allison Mack, the Nexium cult. She is out of jail now. She was in jail for a while and then.

[D]

She's not ugly.

[E]

18 months of a three year sentence.

[B]

She did 18 months of a three year sentence. I think so she's going to start a podcast and I think probably start trying to do. She's probably a long like a lifelong. I don't think you're gonna unfix, you know, you're not gonna fix that.

[D]

Wants a cunt.

[B]

You're not gonna undo this girl's dumbness and she was also, like, one of the ringleaders. Keep in mind.

[E]

Yeah, I think she.

[B]

Now she'll play that. She's gonna play victim for sure. I think more. My guess would be maybe. Maybe she's gonna be like, yo, I was a piece of. But I don't think she's probably gonna say those things, but I'm telling you, she's gonna be like, well, I was used to do these things, but she was like. Like part of the thing that people would get like, like, burned into them. Branded.

[E]

How did you feel when I branded your pussy?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

Why did she even ask these people?

[B]

It was like, her pussy branding, but I'm saying it would be. It's part her brand. It was like AM&R and KR. His. His initials and her initials.

[D]

How big of a brand are you putting on a pussy?

[B]

Not a pussy. Like, you know, like, get, like, cherries next to you.

[D]

I thought we're talking, like, Angus beef. Like, nice, like, lip stamp.

[B]

There you go. See? You see? It's Alison Mack and Keith Ranieri.

[C]

What a great logo, though. They got to give it up for it. I mean, that's like. That's merch right there, dude.

[B]

I disagree. I disagree. Too much going on.

[C]

It's like sleep token.

[B]

I. But it's too much. It's like. It's too much going on.

[D]

And who's that?

[E]

That's.

[B]

That's one of the stupid. That's the lady. Yeah, that's the. That's the dumbass, I think. Is she the one who had the. Isn't she the one who had the husband? The stupid husband? He had, like, a dumb name, so.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

And the dumb husband was. No, no, I think so. It's a different couple, though. It was two couples, and I don't think this is the couple where the husband, like, sat there idly while he. His wife.

[D]

I don't believe in anything enough to be branded.

[C]

You're going to join the black fraternity.

[B]

Your wife, though, I could be talking to that.

[D]

I could be talked into that. She was cute, but I ain't. You ain't burning no.

[B]

Well, she was an actress back in the day, too, but in nowhere, she.

[C]

She wanted to be like the girl from Smallville, you know? That was how they bring them in. They get. They get quasi celebrity. Imagine if they would have gotten, like, Judith Light.

[B]

God. Wanting to be a actor. The depths people go through. To be an actor is so gross. No one does that. To become, like, you know, the best plumber.

[D]

No, absolutely.

[B]

To be the highest Plate plumber. You just don't start sucking in old gross men.

[D]

They're like, what are the.

[B]

What's that?

[D]

What's that brand? Oh, that's Bob Johnson.

[B]

He was. He's my plumbing teacher. That's tv.

[D]

He was my sales trainer.

[B]

What is that? He goes, that's. Oh, Teddy Busakis branded me part of a sex cult thing, you see. But since then, like, my social numbers have been up, though. I get weird patterns. Yeah, cult leaders initials. But go back to Hearst thing with what she's gonna do. So Alice and Max out, and she's. She's saying what she's gonna do. Jacob, before I read.

[E]

I don't remember.

[B]

But she's expressing remorse. Talk about it, but she expressing remorse. Or is she doing like a oh, we were railroaded kind of thing?

[C]

Did she get released, like, just because they were like, all right, it's gonna be three years, but you only have to serve 16. Or is it like she got paroled?

[D]

Well, no, it said that she's cooperating with.

[C]

Oh, to bring him down.

[B]

Yo, let me tell you something.

[D]

That's how she looked cut her sentence.

[B]

She's 43. And it says she just got married after being released from jail. She's married already. And I'll tell you this.

[E]

Someone for everyone.

[B]

No, no.

[D]

Ask for every seat.

[B]

Listen, this guy's playing it right. I know we're all going like, 1. He's probably a weirdo because he wants to be with a woman who is involved in something like this. He's a star fucker. He's maybe we're all assuming, gross and ugly. And she needs somebody in her life to, like, help her at this point, so she'll take whatever. Really, what it is, is he just got himself a fucking dog. Because this girl, you can be like, hey, I'm getting bored of your pussy. Find six or seven chicks to come over here and fucking eat your pussy while I jerk off. And then I'll jerk off on them and then they could suck my balls a little bit. Hey, listen, you're down for anything.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

And also, if you don't mind doing it. And she'll be like, sure. So should we just order dinner then?

[D]

Or also too. He's getting in on bitcoin early here. Because she's gonna be like, she's gonna take them down. She's gonna do this.

[F]

That.

[D]

There's gonna be a podcast.

[B]

It's down. It's already down.

[D]

But he's gonna be like. He', like, probably reap some of those benefits she's not gonna get much of those.

[B]

She could do. She has one maybe six figure offer interview in depth interview in her. You think that's it? No one cares. This podcast. But I. I wouldn't listen to her first full episode. I'm getting the Cliff Notes on whatever the. This chick does. Who cares? You were dummies out in the woods. You let a guy fucking. Who looked like. I mean, what a dildo. This guy was wearing short shorts and a headband, playing fucking volleyball in the middle.

[C]

He looked like my art teacher in high school.

[D]

How long till she's doing porn?

[B]

I hope quickly.

[E]

They fought to be on his team.

[B]

What?

[D]

That's the guy?

[B]

Yeah. Keith Ranieri.

[D]

I think I.

[C]

Bob Balaban.

[D]

I think I bought ecstasy off of him at fucking Jones Beach.

[B]

Sure did. Oh, Captain Morgan over here.

[C]

Pan food.

[B]

Yeah. Fucking Rex Brown.

[D]

Holy shit, dude. He looks like a Kyle Mooney character. Doesn't he look just like.

[B]

Well, the one was. Was Robbie Hoffman playing him? Yeah.

[D]

That's funny.

[B]

But no, the guy's a fucking dildo. But he just. Here's what you do. You get people out in the woods. You give him some sense. I think one thing you do, too, is also you don't have to worry. That's a big thing. You take off people's plate too. You know, we have this. What is it? They had, like, come up to Albany. We own basically an apartment complex, right? Complex.

[D]

Well, that was like the Oregon.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. We have food. We have this complex. Not even like food. I think it's. But no, I guess it was sort of communal in the sense.

[C]

All inclusive. It's a whole thing.

[B]

It's like you don't really have to worry about anything at all.

[D]

Come to Albany. We got coupons for discounts on chicken tenders.

[C]

It's like playing a casino gig. You know what I mean?

[D]

You got everything you need.

[C]

Everything you need in there.

[F]

Dude.

[B]

It's the creepiest thing about a casino gig.

[D]

You know what cult I feel like is back in a big way is the Jesus cult.

[C]

Jesus, Christianity.

[D]

Aren't you, Christine? Jesus is back.

[G]

People are loving.

[D]

People are. Jesus is trending.

[B]

Jay. Yeah. I don't think he was ever really gone. It's just. No, he was now the. Now the.

[D]

Well, maybe not in Europe.

[B]

I mean, the Charlie Kirk thing, though, like, really, like, hyped all that up with the lady coming out and everything's like a mission from Christ himself.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

But even before that, lately, it's just a lot of these young kids, dude.

[B]

A lot of These Charlie Kirk died, and now he's got to sit back while everything he hated, a stupid bitch running a company is doing. I thought leadership stay home. Leaders are supposed to stay home and take care of the kids and no blacks. And I don't see any of this happening.

[D]

It's ridiculous. Do you guys have Jesus in your life? Are you Jesus people? Are you religious? Do you go to church?

[H]

None of that.

[D]

Does your family go to church and are they throwing it at you?

[C]

I've seen a few friends recently that have been like, yeah, every Sunday I'm going to church now. And it's just like, really, like, I've done coke with you.

[G]

Church.

[D]

So very weird. There was a business is back.

[C]

There's a. There's a church.

[B]

Going to church. But that's just so. He's getting the carbs with the wafer.

[C]

There's a. There's a cheese.

[B]

Good carbs. Those are good carbs.

[D]

He doesn't neely planks.

[C]

There's a church in Los Angeles called Mosaic. It's. It's on La Brea. And it's like a young person's like, hip church, the one that, like, Bieber and all them would go to and you would just see it. You drive by and they'd have these signs all over Los Angeles around it. But they would do things outside. Like, you could see, like, gorgeous Christian girls and like, hip young guys. And they would try to, like, bring. And they would. I mean, I wouldn't know how big it would get, but it was like, I was like, look at these fucking homos, like, praising Jesus. And this. It's enormous.

[B]

Now in Los Angeles, I think what's been sold right now is like, oh, you can. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. And I think the hard sell is you're going to have. As long as you say you care about Jesus and apologize for anything you do or know that it's wrong, you're fine. So it's easy now to be like, I. It's like an identity. I'm super stoked on Jesus. No, I still go to clubs every night and just try to fuck random pigs. But, like, it doesn't matter as long.

[D]

As it's Sunday morning.

[B]

Sunday morning, though, I'm gonna go. Unless I get really good pussy, then I'll probably skip church then. But I am gonna wear this gold cross. I am gonna wear that.

[D]

Mullets, mustaches, dip and Jesus. That's what these kids are into these days. All these young bros, they're all Jesusy and they're like, they're Very.

[G]

I think that's just the young kids. It's like the conservative movement.

[B]

Yes.

[G]

Like, in fashion. The trad wife things in fashion. And that just goes hand in hand with Christianity. It's like the same, like, conservative. May as well. You may as well say a conservative Christian if you're talking about.

[D]

So funny that, like, Jesus is like a.

[G]

He's back.

[D]

He's back in pog form. But you want to know what's funny? Is that, like, if Jesus came back, you wouldn't even know. There's, like, AI, Jesus all over the place and.

[B]

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Always white, though.

[D]

My dad got deep into a. A little p. Like, a chapter of a thing where it was all about.

[B]

Like, your dad's stoked on Jesus.

[D]

The visions. Oh, he's super stoked on Jesus. But, like, the visions of, like, Mary would appear to, like, people in, like, Fatima and Medjugorje. And it was only, like, four or five. Like, kids could see Jesus could see the Virgin Mary, like, in this field. And the Virgin Mary told these kids.

[B]

I assume she was fat and ugly. She was a virgin.

[D]

You see, she told these kids when the world was gonna end. But, like, they weren't allowed to, like, tell anybody, tell anybody. Unless you, you know, subscribe to the Patreon.

[B]

Yeah, but, I mean, feeling that you Smash that, like, button.

[D]

Smash that, like, button if you want to know when the world's gonna end.

[B]

Black Lou. Yes, we have a wonderful call from a Robert Kelly on line one. Bobby. Oh, Bobby from prison. Yeah.

[D]

Is this his one phone call?

[B]

Bobby?

[H]

This is my one phone call, and I'm calling Black Lou. Do you know anybody in here that can protect me?

[C]

I'll pay some money on your commissary.

[B]

I will. I'll come there and put my dick against the glass so you can feel the heat. How did it go? Are you. Are you out of prison?

[H]

I didn't go to prison.

[B]

Nice.

[H]

I supposedly had a hookup. My friend who's a cop was like, you're all taken care of. Don't say anything. Everything's taken care of. And I showed up. It was a $250 fine.

[B]

So it was not taken care of at all. It was just exactly what would have happened if you didn't tell this guy at all?

[H]

I. Probably a $260 fine.

[D]

You already went. Oh, this Tuesday.

[B]

It was 250. Well, we're glad you're not in the clink. I was very worried about you.

[E]

Yeah.

[H]

And then because Max's football game was tonight, which I was excited for weeks to see.

[B]

Nice.

[H]

My son play football.

[B]

This is the time to watch him play football. Because I don't know if you know this, when he goes to college, he will be fucked by the team doctor. I watched eight documentaries on this happening now. Pick a school. The doctors fucking the male students.

[E]

Yeah.

[H]

They gotta learn somehow.

[B]

True that, Bobby.

[D]

How cool that. How cool that Max gets to go. Yeah, my dad's coming from court to watch our football game today. That's a cool. That's a badass moment for a kid.

[H]

Well, Mike, it would have been cool if the football game was tonight. The football games tomorrow night.

[B]

When you can now can't go.

[H]

Well, my wife, we went to the field and we're sitting there and they're like, oh, the game's tomorrow night. Tonight's practice.

[B]

You went to the field?

[H]

I went to the field with my.

[B]

Wife, ready to watch a game.

[H]

It was a. Ready to watch the game with my coffee, my little. My little pad I put on the cold bench.

[C]

You can't get mad at him, dude. He thought he's going to be going away for at least five years.

[B]

Well, hang on. Who you mad at here? Who made this whiff? Was this a dawn whiff or a Max whiff?

[H]

It's a dawn whiff. It's always a dawn whiff. He's 12.

[B]

Ooh.

[D]

She was sitting with you.

[B]

Let me ask you this and talk to me. Shoot me from the hip here, Bobby. Really? Really. Really? Would she say something or go to the cops if you just popped her one?

[H]

No, Don would take it and fight back.

[B]

I like that. I like that by her. It does. It would suck if she wins decisively.

[H]

If she gets me and I fall and hurt my ankle. And then she crawls up on top of me and I'm in pain and she's like, I got you now.

[B]

Really? I feel like the worst thing would be is if you hurt yourself, she sort of hurts you, but you hurt yourself and go down. And then she leaves you alone. Like, she takes mercy on you. Like, she goes like, oh, my God. She goes, oh, my God. Get up.

[C]

What are you doing?

[B]

And she walks away. She just walks away. And she goes, here, fucking. Here's some Neosporin.

[C]

I was about to ground and pound, but fuck that.

[B]

Put this on your knees, you fucking lady boy.

[D]

If he whacked her around at practice and they called the cops on him, he would have spent the night in jail. Then he gets to go to Max's game tomorrow from jail, which makes it even. Cooler for Max.

[C]

My dad got let out, got a case on.

[B]

I don't know if you hear Mike, but as a quick pivot, it's a smart move. Go right now, if you're still at the field, hit dawn, go to jail tonight. So tomorrow you come out of jail.

[H]

I'm going to hit it tonight. And if this doesn't work out, one of you guys will get me, right?

[B]

Absolutely. One of us will get you for sure. But I'm Bobby. I'm thinking you better pop her pretty soon. Here's the thing. It's change of shift times is you're going to. What you're going to catch is you're not going to end up getting out tomorrow. And you're going to have to ride an extra day or so. You're going to get out too late for Max's game you want to be at early tomorrow. So I'd say just slug her now. Yeah.

[D]

There's a fine line between being the cool dad that got out of jail or the dad that missed the game because he's in jail.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

Make sure the cops see you, by the way, because here's what you don't want to be. The guy who got away with punching his wife in the face in front of all the kids and then showing up the next day. Everyone's talking about, I am gonna.

[H]

I am gonna miss dinner in jail, so I'm gonna be hungry all night.

[E]

This is a pattern with Dawn. She did this with the Louis CK Assistant wedding also.

[B]

Oh, my Bobby, this is not the first time. I think she. She hears dates, like, one day wrong. Always.

[D]

I think you should cut a finger off. Have you thought about that Yakuza?

[B]

Have you thought about small but long term punishments that whenever she sees them, she'll remember the mistakes she's made?

[D]

Like half a pinky toe.

[B]

Yeah. You know what makes people. You know. You know what makes people see a lot? Clearer. Clearer. Sometimes a glass eye. Take a pencil to one of those fresh ones she has.

[D]

Fresh one.

[B]

Take a pencil, one of them functioning paper she has, and then take it out.

[H]

I'm gonna go apply some type of punishment to Don's face. I like that there's a feat. And if you don't see me tomorrow night, you know, you'll know why.

[B]

I understand.

[H]

But I love you guys and. Hey, Mike.

[D]

Yes, sir?

[B]

Josh.

[H]

Did you guys work that concert thing out when Josh left you?

[B]

Oh, God, Jesus, no.

[D]

Christ, no, we didn't.

[B]

Oh, what are you talking about?

[C]

Did I talk to you? Concert. I meant it.

[B]

There was 15 minutes left in the show. Did he hang up? Is he gone? Ye.

[C]

He already made the joke at the beginning. Too.

[B]

Good for him, Bobby. And then he leaves.

[D]

Hilarious.

[F]

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[C]

That's funny.

[D]

That is funny.

[B]

When does Allison max podcast start?

[G]

Ow November 10th.

[B]

November 10th. I mean, who do they say who her first guest is or anything?

[D]

Carrot Top?

[B]

Yeah, the other the cast of Smallville. What if it's just a Smallville re watch along podcast?

[C]

Nothing to do.

[B]

She goes. And everyone keeps calling in the discord is asking me questions again about the sex cult. Guys, this is about Smallville.

[D]

She goes, it's Jake Paul. He's gonna be on the first one.

[E]

I wanted to impulse that she branded that hot actress, the older actress.

[B]

Now, I like that you called her hot, then older. Let her know that you're not as interested anymore. Yeah, what's up?

[D]

No, I was just thinking, I wonder how easy it would be to, like, just make a cult, like, just AI a fucking cult, like right now, just as a test just to see what if we just came up with one really, right now, and we, like, aied our leader, right? It wasn't any of us. It was just a dude. And we were able to go, this is like, Todd, our leader.

[B]

Somebody will.

[C]

This is a time to do it. Because a lot of people are going through shit.

[B]

What's it been done?

[C]

That's like, this is when you want to get people. That's why Scientology works so well in Hollywood, because actors are hearing no all the time, and they're a place, like, we can get them to see.

[B]

But this has been. This has been done, like, in. In tests before. That was the guy, you know. Did you watch that documentary Honest Liar ever by the Amazing Randy?

[D]

Yes, yes.

[B]

Great documentary. And. But his big lie, he always said, because he's. He hated lying and he hated when people used magic to steal money from people by making them think. It's like, we're just talking earlier with the guy doing. The guy doing Facebook, like, reading your Facebook and then telling you he knows your son died because it's magic.

[D]

That pisses me off.

[B]

Right. Well, he was always against that, but he. His thing. He was like, oh, I was never honest about the fact that I'm gay and I'm dating this guy. But the guy he was dating forever was a guy he did a social experiment with years before and did that. Yeah, he just made a thing. He just made an announcement. He just paid. Paid for news time and was like, this miracle boy who sees Christ and everything is coming, and he's. He's got, you know, 2 million followers, and he's coming to America to buy. And they. And people came to, like, see the spectacle of this kid. And it was just a kid he was dating. Like, you know, he's like an old queen, and it was like a young guy he was dating and just goes, hey, you could. Will you be this thing if you found me?

[D]

If I called you one day and was like, yo, there's this kid coming, and I think he might be like, the savior? Would you. Would you be like, you're right. Dude, like, do you step in. Have you had to step in with anybody and go like, you're being weird about this fucking thing?

[B]

Yeah, Christine. I mean, nuts, you know. No, but I've had. Listen, now, I. I've had people in my life, like, change from going, like, not religious to, like, religious or vice versa. Black Lou, I think you were like, sort of not religious, but you were like a God believing person years ago, right? Years ago.

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

What did you stop?

[B]

Well, come on. A couple of family deaths. Yeah, yeah. Some early ones and then, you know, But I've also seen people go the other way, like nothing and then get like, religious and go the other way too. But as they get. Dave. Dave Smith's a good example of that. Dave Smith's like religious now and again by the way you talk about the flip side of, like, life on things, like a couple like, deaths that make you feel like this doesn't make sense and that'll make you get out of it. I think Dave, because he had like a sick child at one point, probably looked and then when his son ended up being okay. Now you're like, well, now I owe. You know, I mean, I get that both directions of it. Like, people would have something. But I. It's never struck me, however, lying, if I say anytime I pray, if you call it praying several times a year, but it's pure crisis.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, but you're not praying to.

[C]

Jesus that you're just praying.

[D]

You're praying like, please don't have cancer. Please don't.

[B]

No, but. No, but there's deals if this. If you just let me get past this time that I want to get to in life, and then I'll take cancer. But I mean, it's things like just. I just need to get from two weeks from now, and then I will willingly accept cancer. Like, let me just get through these two weeks with things being okay.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And then cancer. So that's praying to something, but it's not one.

[D]

It's not Jesus.

[B]

Well, it's Chinese Christ.

[D]

Chinese Christ.

[C]

When I did Birthright, because that's basic. That's not like a. That's not like a cult at all going to Israel.

[F]

Birthright.

[B]

Pretty.

[C]

My sister signed me up for it.

[B]

Oh, Birthright homies.

[C]

I can just speak gibberish language all throughout here.

[B]

This lake is salty.

[C]

But I came back because I was never bar mitzvahed. I'd never believed in organized religion. But then I went for Birthright. And it was just so much fun being around all these, like, Jewish Kids never been bar mitzvah. I still don't. I even got asked to do an aliyah, my niece's bat mitzvah, which would have then made me bar mitzvah. But I was like, I don't want to do it, because I just don't.

[B]

What does that mean? I would do that.

[D]

It's like a Groupon.

[B]

I'm not.

[F]

Yeah, it's a.

[C]

It's a cut. It's the same thing with, like, if your mom's Jewish. If your mom's Jewish, then you're Jewish. It's like, Jesus. Jews have a lot of, like, no.

[B]

He goes, yeah, no, you make. So wait a second. Is it Tuesday? Oh, if it's Tuesday, yeah, you'll also. You'll also be bar mitzvah.

[C]

But I came back.

[D]

Jewish thing.

[C]

I came back and we.

[B]

Bar mitzvah, Bogo mitzvah.

[C]

But I came back and was very, like, into it for a moment. And then my buddies were like, you know, because I was like, I think I'm gonna join a synagogue. And then you just see what the. Oh, but, dude, that's Sunday's football. You're like, ah, yeah, that. Like, I'm not gonna. It's just too much work. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah. Well, I just. To me, it was just never. Never pushed on me hard. Thank God. Never. That's why I said, I also don't have, like, I hate organized religion thing, because I didn't. You know, I mean, like, Kurt.

[D]

I do.

[B]

Like, somebody like, Kurt would have, like, yeah. Like, anger towards you. You have anger because it's like, it caused things in your life. It was just not around in my life at all for anyone to give a. It was never beaten down. My neck said bar mitzvah. I went to two Sunday school classes, and I was like, ah. And then when I said, I found out that a bar mitzvah, everyone's like, you should do it, because, my friends, you're gonna get lots of money. And I was like, there's nobody's gonna give me lots of money. It doesn't exist. My party might be embarrassing. Actually.

[C]

I'm from South Jersey.

[B]

No, this is Philly, still West Philly at this point. And I'm like, this is not my family. It's not money people. We're gonna end up doing this in a house or something, or a really cheap kind of haul, like. So I go, if it's all about that, I don't want to give away my Sundays for something that's not going to really do anything.

[D]

You're the only kid that has a bar mitzvah at Roller Haven.

[B]

Yeah, I would have.

[D]

Literally, it's like hot dogs.

[B]

Radner rolls. Ours was Radner rolls.

[D]

Radner rolls.

[B]

Jacob, would you still have sex with Allison Mack? The answer is yes. You would? Unquestionably, yeah. Even though she doesn't. Would you brand right above your dick for her? No. Yes.

[E]

No.

[B]

Jacob, if it's.

[C]

If it's cleaned immediately with, like, a disinfectant and, like, an alcohol swab so it doesn't get infected, but just, you.

[B]

Know, that's because that's her dick.

[E]

And then kr.

[B]

No, no.

[C]

Keith Robinson.

[B]

Just. You just. Just Alison Mack. I mean, just the am.

[E]

No.

[D]

You could grow pubes over it.

[B]

You could grow hair over it.

[E]

But I like to keep it tidy.

[B]

Well, then. But then also be a cool little mark right there, and you go, oh, I got. And then you have a story go, oh, listen, I would do it the. Because I would just be like, oh, isn't that fucking hilarious? Like, you know, I got the brand. I got the next year brand. You get.

[D]

Well, you know what, too. And if. Then you grow your hair around it, it would look like a haunted maze from, like, way above. Like a drone shot.

[C]

The shining corn maze.

[E]

I belong to this dingbat.

[D]

Dingbat. What a great word.

[B]

I'll tell you what I'm batting around the ideas. I think right now at Skangfest is getting the Keith Ranieri and Allison Mack tattoos on either side of my dick. Do it, dude, because it's so funny.

[C]

Do that, please. God, it's so hilarious to get that.

[B]

He goes, oh, I got mixed up in a little cult thing at one point.

[D]

Have you gotten Isabella yet?

[B]

No.

[D]

You're going to get them.

[B]

It's getting a little late for Isabella. She's 23 now. Let's see. I'm getting her like, she's my girl.

[G]

Girlfriend or something, just for the podcast. This actually says that the host is Natalie Portman. I don't know how to say.

[D]

That's a hard name to say.

[G]

She's an investigative journalist, and it's. It's offering exclusive access to Mac. So the podcast is somebody, I guess, deep diving on her and then also bringing in other people.

[C]

Ooh, I can see that. Getting good numbers.

[D]

Can you roll up a tad? The series promises to dive into the gray zones of influence, accountability, and redemption.

[C]

So what was your pitch to get these girls to fuck him?

[B]

I listen.

[D]

And do you feel bad about it?

[B]

There's nothing. There's nothing I love more than, like I said, where people start getting religious and weird after stuff. Yeah. Like, if she comes out and starts laying all that stuff, it's uninteresting immediately. I've always cared about the stories of former junkies and stuff. Who goes, damn, I had a good time with heroin. Hell yeah. Whenever the story's just like, it was evil. Well, because I let the devil into my life. And when you open your mind to devils, devils will come in and take over. Like, dude, Rick Shapiro. I always say I remember my Uncle Mark. Two people who I don't. I assume when got off heroin, whether they had dumethadone or whatever, like, was off of it. Both of them are people. When you talk to them about it, it's not just gloom and doom stories. My Uncle Mark would be like, you know, you'd say something like, hey, well, did you have to like, get so fucked up at a party? There was a fight almost even he's. Even though it's like something like that, he'd be like, yeah, yeah. He's like, yeah, yeah. He's like. A bunch of these bikers came and I was just. Adam, you know, he tells it with like a. What a neat, wild night. Yeah.

[D]

Because it was.

[B]

And I'm like, good, I believe you're going to stay off it now because you're not just doing this phony, like, Satan comes and poisons you in life and then you are in your job to turn Satan down.

[D]

Like, get the fucking cop out. Dumb card you throw, you go, no, it's Jesus now. I gave my life to Jesus, dude.

[C]

If I was silly, if I would have done opiates the night I did because I stole opiates from my mom because she was there for when I did New Faces. If I would have taken those opiates and not give them back to her when she shamed me in the morning, I would have gotten SNL that year without. I would have. I would have murdered. I would have.

[B]

Because what a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, Such.

[C]

Good things happen in my life.

[B]

Defense mechanism you have in there inside your brain. That was fantastic. I love that.

[C]

No, dude, did you know most of the shit in my career. That's why I'm not getting shit now.

[B]

If my dad would have fucking picked me up the weekends. He said he was going to pick me up, dude, I'd be Pete Davidson. Yeah. Unprovable. And yet you have to take my word for it. I like it. I like it. I would have gotten more than a.

[C]

Commercial agent out of fucking New Faces.

[B]

I'll tell you what I did. New Faces. I just wore the wrong clothes, I thought. And I got MTVs, too. I. What were they wearing?

[C]

No, you didn't.

[B]

Yeah, that's the episode I got to do. Like, I did a talking hit on an MTV2 episode. But I. Man, that's a little Josh. That's a little bit of Josh. I need me right there. Is that. It goes, man. If I would have just done this, no doubt I'd be a MEGAS movie star right now. I don't have any of that in me.

[C]

Say what you want. Opiates made me better.

[B]

Yeah, I agree. Try again.

[C]

I can't.

[B]

Let's do them tonight at Onyx. Yeah, Opiates and Onyx. And my daughter. It's gonna be so great.

[C]

And biohazard fucking him and maybe Tara. Patrick's there.

[B]

What if you get weird? They're not together anymore. They've been way broken. What.

[D]

What opiates. Would you want to do me? Yeah. Would you want to snort it, shoot it, boot it?

[B]

No, I'll just take it.

[C]

Then snort it. Perk 30 snort. Yeah, but then you're dripping blue goo out your nose.

[B]

I don't know any of these things we're talking about. How they approach. The numbers are what. Just taking an oxycontin. That's what you find. Sure. It's great. Now, if you were like, zero Reaper, if you like, it could be administered to you and somebody was like, you're dying anyway, so do you want to try heroin? I'd go, oh, no, Give me the good stuff and put it right into the vein.

[D]

Well, that's Kurt's joke. That's hilarious. That's like, fucking. But you want to know what freaks me out?

[B]

I'll tell you.

[D]

What always got me was an interview. John Fruscianti interview. The Pep. When he's like, quit the band. And he's like, in some hotel room and he's being interviewed and he's opening a pack of cigarettes with his weird, bony, heroin hands and his face is all. Do you remember that interview that was like, I don't ever want to be. That to me was like, oh, see.

[B]

I do see it different. I know they gross.

[D]

Scared.

[B]

I know. I get. I get too. I'm scared. It's gross. What I do, what I feel. First and foremost, which is bad. It's probably a bad thing, is that I go, he's thin and genuine. He's thin and it must feel amazing. Great. This guy knows he was sitting at the fucking table. With kings. And now he knows he's in a fucking bathtub fully dressed while people are watching him. Like, try not to drop crumbs of crack at or heroin out of his fucking tinfoil that he has with, like, you know, teeth missing and broken.

[D]

Right.

[B]

Delonte West. When I see those things, the player from the NBA who's now, like, a homeless junkie on the streets, same thing. I see him and I go, damn, dude, that stuff's gonna be so great when I try it. Yeah, when I try. Whatever the fuck they're taking, it must be. Oh, look at what. You give up everything in your life for it. So I'm not ready for it yet, but when I get there. Well, just know, boys, when you see me covered in sores and teeth and I'm wearing one shoe. Whatever. No, feels great. Are you.

[D]

Are you covered in other people's teeth?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever's happening, I promise you. And I'm gonna go like this, like just the Narcan people. I'm go. Don't wake me. That's it.

[C]

Leave me alive, bro. Let me not.

[B]

I'm supposed to be standing hunched over.

[D]

You should. You should take a good, deep look at Jerry Garcia. That's a guy who will make you not want to do it.

[F]

Why?

[B]

53 years old.

[D]

He looked like Santa Claus. He's on stage wearing Hanes Beefy tea with cigarette burns and hot dog mustard.

[B]

No, I'm not that guy.

[D]

But I'm never sweatpants and zip sneakers.

[B]

I'm 53 years old. I'm talking about when they come inevitably in the next handful years. And go, you do have fucking stage mesothelioma. Something. Something higher than stage two, blah, blah, blah. And it's not going to look good. And you're not going to get taken care of the way you're supposed to and insurance, blah, blah, blah. I'm gonna go. All right. I'm gonna sort all that out tomorrow. I'm gonna go try heroin real quick, though.

[D]

Hold that thought.

[B]

Yeah, wait a second, because let me see if heroin's awesome, I might go. It's already stage three. What are the odds it's coming back down? Not great. I'm just gonna ride this part out that I think I'm just gonna do the H until we're all fucking wrapped. It's gonna be awesome. And I'm telling you, I'm leaving it to you guys. Make sure the song that I write gets out there. Whatever lyrics you find next to me written, make sure it's out There and you find a suitable artist.

[D]

He wrote Feel, Feel, Feel, Feel My Heat.

[B]

He goes. Yeah. He goes, preferably get this to a Sabrina Carpenter type. What?

[D]

Jay wrote a song real quick. A long, long time ago I could still remember how the music used to make me smile. Oh, my God. This is Don McLean's American Pie.

[B]

I think he just rewrote Hotel California, but he. One of this course is he changed it to Hotel Philadelphia. I don't know if that was a mistake or he was just. There's also a lot of tear blops on the fucking paper.

[D]

He wrote guitar solo in parentheses and.

[B]

Then he just writes B A N N A N N N A H H H N N N N N.

[E]

N.

[B]

N Bar Swing and a bang. Oh, is it time to wrap this up? Dead.

[D]

Have fun tonight.

[B]

2 gun 3 gun 4 your mine it's all about crime. Oh, we're bringing this A bell which is going to stop me from punching a stranger. Ooh, I want to get down an ox. I'm so excited to listen to the angriest black music ever.

[C]

I only know Slam and then Biohazard.

[B]

Damn, Dude, I know 15 songs.

[D]

Where's Onyx gonna go in this lineup? You think second to last Biohazard's gonna close?

[B]

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

[D]

Who else is it?

[B]

Sworn Enemy is there tonight and two other bands I've never heard of. Your mom, brother.

[D]

Have fun.

[B]

Raise it up. Mikey Fenoy is on tour opening for Wrong White all winter with stops in Virginia, Las Vegas, California. Much more. Check him out on those. Check him out his own dates where you can get tickets and tour dates@mike finoya.com F I N O I A. And of course, he'll be with me this whole weekend. And then. Yeah, in fucking Austin.

[D]

Mothership.

[B]

Mothership. You can follow him at Mike Fenoy on all socials and his podcast at. Are we all with Charles McBee Josh admires at the House of Comedy in Phoenix. November 6th. The Horseshoe.

[C]

Horseshoe, yeah.

[B]

Horseshoe Casino in Baltimore. She's doing great. Horseshoe casino in Baltimore, November 22nd in Charlotte, North Carolina. December 4th through the 6th. For tickets and all tour dates, go to JoshuaMyers.com the Bonfire Podcast releases new episodes Tuesday through Friday on all major platforms. BigJComedy.com we'll be back tomorrow with Bobby. Dude.

[A]

This is an Etsy Holiday ad, but you won't hear any sleigh bells or classic carols. Instead, you'll hear something original. The sound of an Etsy holiday, which sounds like this. Now that's special. Want to hear it again. Get original and affordable gifts from small shops on Etsy. For gifts that say I get you shop Etsy.

[C]

If you could hear love, what would it sound like?

[B]

Son, can we talk about your drinking? Yeah, Dad, I think we should.

[C]

Helping those closest to you think about their excessive drinking. Maybe that's what love sounds like. [e-mail] an OHA initiative.