Spandex & Pink Nails

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly Episode Title: Spandex & Pink Nails
Release Date: November 26, 2024

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Introduction

In the episode titled "Spandex & Pink Nails," hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly delve into a myriad of topics ranging from music nostalgia to personal style choices. The dynamic duo engages in candid conversations, sharing humorous anecdotes and playful banter that fans of the show have come to love. This summary captures the essence of their discussion, highlighting key points, notable quotes, and the overall flow of the episode.

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Music and Nostalgia

The episode kicks off with a discussion about the resurgence of Marilyn Manson's music in television.

• Big J (00:01): "It's been used in a lot of TV stuff now."
• Robert Kelly (01:37): Expresses unfamiliarity with the song, leading to a conversation about the authenticity of new Marilyn Manson music compared to the classics.

The conversation shifts to Pearl Jam and their latest tour and album release.

• Big J (02:25): "Pearl Jam made their career very easy to do, and this isn't even a knock."
• Robert Kelly (02:27): Inquires about the quality of the new album, highlighting the difference in reception between classic and recent works.

They reminisce about listening to music together in the car, sharing a particularly memorable experience with the song "Twilight Zone" by Golden Earring.

• Big J (06:15): "Absolutely, dude. I remember exactly what it was."
• Robert Kelly (06:48): Reflects on how the song impacted his mood and performance during the podcast.

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Personal Anecdotes and Humor

The hosts share a humorous story about Robert's mishap in the kitchen while attempting to sing karaoke.

• Robert Kelly (11:31): Describes being attacked in the kitchen, leading to hilarious injuries while maintaining his comedic spirit.
• Big J (11:43): Praises Robert's dedication despite the mishap.

Their playful exchange continues as they joke about personal grooming habits and the challenges of maintaining a masculine image.

• Big J (13:58): "Why don't you really wanna move me?"
• Robert Kelly (15:03): "Dude, you gotta understand why you..."

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Style and Identity

A significant portion of the episode revolves around Big J's choice to wear pink nail polish and the reactions it garners.

• Big J (21:39): "What do you think you are? I'm holding something in."
• Robert Kelly (22:00): Critiques Big J's nail polish, coining it "Black Vagina Pink."

The hosts engage in a light-hearted debate about masculinity, fashion choices, and societal perceptions.

• Robert Kelly (26:28): "I do not like black pussy pink fingernails."
• Big J (26:35): "But Christine does love it."

They explore themes of self-expression and acceptance, using humor to navigate potentially sensitive topics.

• Robert Kelly (41:21): "But now Lewis is painting his fingernails. You're starting to trend."
• Big J (42:13): "But it sounds like you're making a wish."

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Relationships and Influence

The conversation takes a deeper turn as they discuss the influence of their partner, Christine, on their personal styles and behaviors.

• Robert Kelly (50:22): "Brian, you're slowly becoming a woman."
• Big J (55:45): "I'm not talking about anything. I'm just talking about these things I saw."

They humorously blame Christine for their evolving identities, using exaggerated scenarios to illustrate their points.

• Robert Kelly (53:17): "Christine, isn't it weird that when Dan got a girl, real girlfriend, all of a sudden he's gone?"
• Big J (55:08): "Do you think she wants to..."

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Conclusion and Reflections

Toward the end of the episode, Big J and Robert reflect on the complexities of personal transformation and societal expectations, all while maintaining their signature comedic flair.

• Big J (58:49): "What's up?"
• Robert Kelly (59:05): "That you wanted to get acrylic bur."

They wrap up the discussion with a mix of humor and sincerity, emphasizing the importance of self-acceptance and the support of friends and partners.

• Big J (59:28): "This works sometimes. Nope."
• Robert Kelly (60:18): "[e-mail] Anoha Initiative."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Big J (00:01): "It's easy to have confidence in your look when you're in the hands of a pro."
• Robert Kelly (02:27): "I just turned on my babbel app. All of a sudden I was speaking sentences..."
• Big J (06:15): "Give me a little Twilight Zone by Golden Earring."
• Robert Kelly (15:03): "He wrote me a note about it. I'll release when I die."
• Big J (26:35): "But Christine does love it."
• Robert Kelly (48:29): "What are you doing is a scientific experiment that you're doing right now."
• Big J (55:08): "Do you think she wants to scissor you so bad."

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Closing Thoughts

"Spandex & Pink Nails" offers listeners a blend of humor, introspection, and genuine camaraderie between Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly. Their ability to discuss personal topics with levity and honesty makes for an engaging and relatable episode. Whether debating the merits of pink nail polish or sharing stories from their past, the hosts provide an entertaining glimpse into their lives, inviting listeners to laugh along and perhaps reflect on their own personal expressions and relationships.

Transcript

[Big J]

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[Robert Kelly]

I don't have hair.

[Big J]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Big J]

Ooh. Are you ready to have your own High Five moment? Well, visit High Five casino dot com. That's high. The number five casino dot com. No purchase necessary. Vord were prohibited by law. Must be 21 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. And now the bonfire with Big J O and Robert Kelly. Very the poppier side of Marilyn Manson. But I like it. Yeah, it's a good tune.

[Robert Kelly]

It's. I don't think I've ever heard this one.

[Big J]

It's been used in a lot of TV stuff now.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, like Psych USA Network shows. I notice.

[Big J]

I think it was used towards the end of Justified. I want to say, oh, shit. Because I remember Shazaming it. Even though I had the album, I was just like, which one is this particular? I didn't know the song. I was like, oh, I used to, man. My Marilyn Manson albums came out. I got it the day it came out. Listen to it front to back, figure out my favorite. I'm sure this is what Lou probably does with Pearl Jam still. Because you trust the new music. I don't trust the new Marilyn Manson music at all. Because it's all this form of music now. And so I don't trust. But now I get the albums and I just, like. I dabble through it a little bit, but not like I used to know them all.

[Robert Kelly]

Does Pearl Jam come out with new stuff?

[Big J]

Just this. This tour was a new album.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, was it yeah, and they. Sorry. Don't get mad. They got three Grammy Awards, buddy. I am sorry. I just asked a question. Not being a Pearl Jam. What's the word? Jerk off. Okay, aficionados. Pearl Jam. Jerk off. I didn't know I was.

[Big J]

Jam clam.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Pearl Jam clam. I didn't understand. I was just asking a question. I knew you were going to get heated. Sorry I jumped on you. You jumped down my throat, dude. And I just didn't know if that old band came up with a new album in a long time. All right? Just my life's work, you know? Was it good? Was it. Be honest. Serious. Stop. Stop before you nod your goddamn head up and down, because you have to, because Eddie's not listening. Was it a. Was it their best? Was it a great album?

[Big J]

Oh, come on.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not him. That's Jay, by the way. That's. He's trying to be the voice in your head.

[Big J]

That's him. I can't do an impression.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not him.

[Big J]

Impression of what? Who? Eddie.

[Robert Kelly]

Better. Yeah. No, that wasn't a good album.

[Big J]

I couldn't do that. Come on, don't break my heart.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not. That's not just as good as anything I've heard ever. That's. Ever. Yes. I'm not stuck in the past, Bob. I'm evolving.

[Big J]

Well, can I. Let me say what I think. Pearl Jam made their career very easy to do, and this isn't even a knock. They only made one album of classic pop songs, if that's what you want to call it, which was 10.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J]

They can now continue. I think Linkin park had this, too. First album was so good. Front to back. It was definitely of the time. So I don't know if it holds up very much. First album was great. Front to back. Second album, I bet every album beyond that was as good as the second album, because the second album was such, like, a different thing. Like, the second album was the real. Like, this is what we do more. And. And they kind of leaned into that, you know what I mean? And started doing that.

[Robert Kelly]

So the first album is like, okay, this is going to make you a star. This is the pop stuff. And then once you become a star now, you can go do what you want to do. You can do that right out of the gate.

[Big J]

Verses is a world's more personal Pearl Jam album, I'd say, than 10 and better album. Sure. That's what I'm saying. I would say 10's better because it's the songs I know Much more now.

[Robert Kelly]

Because I haven't heard any blip on the radar about this last album. Like, I haven't. It hasn't. Like, it's nominated for three Grammy Awards. Can I just finish before you jump down my throat? Jesus. They like to make speeches. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I haven't heard, like, it's not out there. It had, like, none of their songs have been. Look, I am not a music aficionado like you and Jay. You guys know music. You really into it, and I love it. I love how much. I told dawn the other night, I go, my favorite thing in the world. One of my favorite things is jumping in a car with Jay, because as soon as we get in, he's got a playlist going. I mean, how fun was going to Story wars driving down there? Dude, the other night, Put on some white dude rock. Dude, you were like. You said, this is what we're playing. We're doing white dude rock all the way down.

[Big J]

What do we start off with? No, I remember. Hang on. I want to remember what it was when we got right in the car. Let's do some fucking white dude rock.

[Robert Kelly]

I know what we ended up on.

[Big J]

I could look at my phone, and.

[Robert Kelly]

I almost had to go to the hospital. The last song before we got to the club.

[Big J]

Yeah, we killed it. I mean, hang on. It's in here. Don't you worry.

[Robert Kelly]

All right?

[Big J]

Don't you worry.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna let you get this. That was not it. 100% not it. Oh, dude, come on, dude. And it was a song I knew. You go, you know the song. You just don't know the band because they had the bullet through. The bullet through the. Was it an apple or a bullet through something?

[Big J]

Absolutely, dude. I remember exactly what it was.

[Robert Kelly]

There you go.

[Big J]

Give me a little Twilight Zone by Golden Earring.

[Robert Kelly]

There you go. Golden Earring. I know the song. I just didn't know, right?

[Big J]

You know this song. Seven minutes of lip biting, fist pumping, two old men in a car. Rock.

[Robert Kelly]

And that I know that I love when guy goes, you know the song. You said the bear. First I go, who? And then you, like, you know the song. And then it kicks in. I'm like, oh, God, I remember this.

[Big J]

Damn, dude, we are old. Our friend Lindsay's here. She's 21 years old. She's staring at the walls like, what is this garbage?

[Robert Kelly]

She's actually on the phone on. On Vaughn's Instagram right now. Theo Vaughn's Instagram. Trying to fucking pep things up. A little bit.

[Big J]

Theo, get me out of this old man moment, would you? But then, Lindsay, is it not sexy when two old men bite lips and do this? Turn it up, Lou. Let us feel it.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not sexy when a guy's just playing a 1, 2, 3.

[Big J]

This is what we do in the car.

[Robert Kelly]

1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2.

[Big J]

And then I elbow Bobby. I do this. But the funny thing is, when I do the guitar slide, I do it the wrong direction for sure.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I was playing the drums. He was guitar.

[Big J]

I'm also on head thumps.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm just on the hi hat right now, riding it.

[Big J]

We're putting forward because I'm gas pedal pumping. It's a whole thing.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, it was great. But then you went to. We finished off with. I mean, the song.

[Big J]

You leave it on, Lou.

[Robert Kelly]

This song affected me so much. White lion. Wait.

[Big J]

This is Hand me that wrench music. Hey, can you grab me that three quarter inch? The three quarter inch? You dumbass. And then I abuse him.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, and then you go, we're meeting at Eddie's tonight. Be there around 10 after the game.

[Big J]

We're getting fucked up. I gotta go home. And look at that woman one more time. Not drunk. I swear to God, I'm gonna put.

[Robert Kelly]

Her face against the glass. I'll be there.

[Big J]

You know what, bitch? I'm rolling my cigarettes up in my sleeves. Oh, hang on. Oh, I thought it was a guitar slide part.

[Robert Kelly]

Not yet.

[Big J]

Damn.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J]

Lindsey thinks we're so hot right now.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my God, she loves this. She does love it.

[Big J]

Oh, yeah. So after this, me and Bobby, we almost. We didn't even roll the windows up. And we should have for this one. We let the neighborhood know we were coming down to this.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait.

[Big J]

I mean, this couldn't be more 80s fl fluffed hair rock. But me and Bobby won a power kick. Bobby, bring it home.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, dude, I was there. So the next morning, I'm in the kitchen. I throw this on to Max. I go, max, you gotta learn this. I put this on, dude. I grabbed a banana.

[Big J]

Bobby was hyped on this song.

[Robert Kelly]

I grabbed a banana. I started lead singing around the kitchen.

[Big J]

Pause it for a second real quick, Bobby, if you would.

[Robert Kelly]

Sure.

[Big J]

Well, well, well. I guess we just stroll in whenever we want to work.

[Robert Kelly]

I hope you have a I was attacked by somebody in the subway with a knife story like I did.

[Big J]

Were you attacked by. With a knife? I'll accept that. Were you held at gunpoint? Were you sexually threatened?

[Robert Kelly]

We have to wait for him to take off his nine Shirts and jackets.

[Big J]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And take and unfold his blanket. Jacob.

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob.

[Jacob]

Yes. Let me get on the mic like a professional.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, Please. Well, a professional would have been here 10 minutes.

[Big J]

Listen, a professional. We were all here professionally before the show started.

[Robert Kelly]

I was here at 4:30. You know we're live, right?

[Jacob]

I texted you.

[Robert Kelly]

Texted who?

[Jacob]

The group.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J]

Well, Black Lives been on Zoom since noon. That's how here he was.

[Robert Kelly]

Black Lou was just singing Wait by White lion to be part of the show.

[Big J]

Don't worry, we're going to come back to that. Bobby, I just wanted to have uninterrupted for you to have your moment. Because what I watched happen in that car. Because this is one of those songs, Bobby, you may have. I worry about this when I hear some songs. It's a weird fear, but I have it sometimes. I'll catch a song. Lou, you might get this too. You like music this much? Where I hear a song, I might go fucking. Thank God I heard this. Now in the era of I can shazam it or just look down and see what it is. Because I may have never thought of this one again. And I know it front to back and love it, love it. I feel like when I brought weight back into your life, you brought the week. You were like, holy shit, strong. That's why you were emotional. You're like, I may have never heard this song again if it wasn't for this moment right now. No, turn it up, Lou. Let him feel it. Look at Bobby. It's 1980s. Bobby's sober, but still has the coolness of a guy who's not sober. Oh, man, old dudes kicking it. What would you do in a car to this? This is my move. I'm all lips, dude, you straight air hump. Are you the guy who goes in the back seat and acts like you're fucking and nobody on the back seat? Oh, I'll accept that.

[Robert Kelly]

This song dude did something to me. I didn't want to do the show. I just wanted to sit in the car.

[Big J]

Turn it up, Lou. Oh, sorry. Big J's on head pull.

[Robert Kelly]

This is when I grabbed the mic with two hands.

[Big J]

Oh, come on, Bobby. The best part.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait, wait I never want to dance without you Wait, wait if only I would ever tell you Wait, wait I never wanna, buddy. I'm in the kitchen with a banana around 6:35. Max's loving it and I going around the island. All of a sudden, dawn left a bag of trash that I think was filled with lead weights. Back of my heel hits It. I go horizontal and disappear behind the island.

[Big J]

Oh, wow.

[Robert Kelly]

And smash.

[Big J]

You took the stairs down.

[Robert Kelly]

Smash both my ribs into the fucking new dishwasher.

[Big J]

Holy Christ.

[Robert Kelly]

And then all say, I haven't seen Max laugh this hard in his life. I mean, cracking up. Buckled over trying to get out the words. Dad, are you okay? But couldn't.

[Big J]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Cause it was laughing so hard. But I didn't give up the mic. I still kept it right here. I popped back up holding my wrist.

[Big J]

Oh, that's good. That's a good look, though, for an 80s guy. Yeah, this little Mick jaggery, little McJaggery. And you were like, hold up, hold.

[Robert Kelly]

Up, hold up, hold down.

[Big J]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Kelly]

God, I love this song. Oh, God damn it.

[Big J]

If we're in a professional setting, young Lindsay would have been throwing herself.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, I think she. I think it's doing something to her.

[Big J]

But it's just slowly, slowly, slowly, surely happening. I will tell you what, though. We should have a spandex day here at work. Because this one also, Bobby. Another one. Bobby's like, oh, yeah, this song. We gotta be in spandex and wet. I mean, in an alley with it raining on us. And we're. And we're. You can do the drums, Bob. Very, very exaggerated motions. And I'll be happy to snake around with a microphone stand. Turn it, Lou. Make. Make it hurt.

[Robert Kelly]

Why don't you really wanna move me?

[Big J]

Damn, this is good stuff, Jacob. You don't do clapping. Push ups to this. Tell me you don't want to right now. Just bang out a set of a hundo. Of course you do.

[Robert Kelly]

Roll your sleeves up. I want to leather jacket with Japanese symbols all over it and tassels.

[Big J]

Just me and four of my closest friends in a rainy alley wearing spandex. Why does that make anyone uncomfortable in here?

[Robert Kelly]

Doesn't make me uncomfortable.

[Big J]

Are you looking at the lyrics? I don't need these stupid lyrics. I know the lyrics.

[Robert Kelly]

Ah, One of the greatest rock moves ever. The Oz effect. The Oz effect. Zip. Oh, God.

[Big J]

Yo, this is back in the day when you could just leave a girl on the side of the road if she wouldn't fuck you in your car. And then society would be like, what a.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude.

[Big J]

Remember the 80s, dude? What do you mean you're not going to suck my dick? You're riding in my Mustang 5.0. I assume that's how it went for the cool kids. I'm not describing my life. I'm describing what I think my life would have been if I was one of the Cool kids.

[Robert Kelly]

God damn it.

[Big J]

I was a fato listening to this and trying to pierce my own ears.

[Robert Kelly]

That was one of the greatest rides. I mean, we pulled up to the stand. I felt like we were rock stars.

[Big J]

Energized rock stars. We got out of the car, slow motion. Not on purpose. It just happened. We felt so cool.

[Robert Kelly]

So weird, too. There was an east wind that came up that street and hit our. Not my hair, but hit the hair in my ears. I could feel it waving.

[Big J]

Oh, absolutely. It was flapping around.

[Robert Kelly]

If I had a coat on, it would have flapped.

[Big J]

Oh, yeah. I'll tell you, all these bands. Christine, bring up the video and show Round and Round by Rat, which, by the way, one of the funniest. We talked about this a long time ago, I think. But somebody, either somebody in the band or somebody who made the video, their uncle or real, like, uncle in life, was Milton Burrell. That's how Milton Berle ended up in the Rat video. But these guys at the time, I used to draw pictures of people just looking like Guns N Roses and Rat and thinking. I was like, God, can I just get out of school and have society's rules so I can dress like this, please? I never hit a phase, though, where I was able to do it. I never wore a scarf as a headband in school the way I wanted to.

[Robert Kelly]

I did have the British flag sleeveless shirt with the bandana.

[Big J]

Oh, so you're. That's punkish, though. That's more punk.

[Robert Kelly]

It was Def Leppard, who wasn't punk. Def Leppard made that. It was. It was this shit.

[Big J]

That's fair. Tight rolled. We said tight rolled bandana around your hair.

[Robert Kelly]

I had it around my neck like a bandit.

[Big J]

Oh, I don't mind that at all.

[Robert Kelly]

I did the Bandit and then I had one around my thigh. The thigh was a little. Made me feel a little silly.

[Big J]

Well, Bandit, right?

[Robert Kelly]

Because I'd asked my sister for help because I couldn't get the knot right.

[Big J]

Yeah, the triangle up, the upside down triangle on the next bandana was a good look. In fact, I rocked it 100% of. Oh, you know, a funny story about a Def Leppard sleeveless shirt. Christine got one she bought at a store, and then we went and did Bobby's you know what, dude podcast. And thank God I was the only one that looked over Christine because she was laughing and her whole tit was hanging out.

[Robert Kelly]

Yep, that's true.

[Big J]

And I go, christine, your tit. And then everyone turned around, probably saw it.

[Robert Kelly]

We saw it.

[Big J]

You fucks.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a nice tit.

[Big J]

It's a good tit.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a nice tit. She has the same nipples as Mike Tyson.

[Big J]

Well, no, this would happen. She buys bras that are like a post it note with some string attached to it. They're so teensy and thin. And she goes, I can't feel it. I go, yeah, you're. You're tank top was over here and her bra was down here. I'm like, you don't feel your whole tits out? There's AC in here.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, whole tit was out. But Christine has a lovely. Would I say a B cup.

[Big J]

She wishes.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow. Jesus Christ. I mean, Caitlyn Jenner has a B cup.

[Big J]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Even I think me and you have a B cup.

[Big J]

Yeah, more than likely. For sure. Kristen, give me some rounding around. And Lou, let me hear it.

[Robert Kelly]

Girl has the same bangs you had last week with your hat on.

[Big J]

Well, this is about. This video is a tale as old as time. A bitchy rich girl is transformed by hair metal into the rock slut she was always meant to be.

[Christine]

Did everyone's fathers just think that their sons were gay when they started watching these?

[Big J]

Absolutely.

[Christine]

They're like, oh, my son's a flaming homicide.

[Big J]

It's a moment in time that never.

[Robert Kelly]

But this is. The guys. I think guys were starting to wear spandex. Like, it went from. It went from like aerobics type shit. And then they added all the bells and whistles to it. Right. I think it was. It wasn't ever not cool to look like.

[Big J]

But look how silly it looks now. Not Milton Berle. He's great.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, he's dressed in drag, so.

[Big J]

But what's his name? I forget the lead singer's names. It's not Perry. I'll remember it. But he. I thought he looked so awesome, but I don't. Steve Percy. I don't think he looks cool now, but this guy had to go into a bathroom to stop having thrown at him for about five years.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I. Do.

[Big J]

You know what I mean? And it was because of everything about the way he looked. It's such a weird moment in time.

[Robert Kelly]

What a comfortable way to dress, though. Like to wear spandex back then. I would love to wear spandex now. Cause you just pull. You pull your wing. You just gotta pull it out. Well, listen, it's nice and tight.

[Big J]

I mean, the accessory game, I try to keep alive. I love.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, we know.

[Big J]

See, you're looking at the overall outfit. I'm looking at the Frayed black coming down on his pants.

[Robert Kelly]

What people don't know is that your dress like rat underneath your hoodie and jeans.

[Big J]

I mean, you never know when rat needs to break out.

[Robert Kelly]

You have a low cut fucking muscle shirt on right now with spandex.

[Big J]

I go, oh, guys, this is a rat moment. He's got to peel down real quick round it. You guys need me do some fucking power kicks.

[Robert Kelly]

I. How much do you want to wear a full scarf around your waist, dangling on both sides, buddy.

[Big J]

I like the bandana hooked to the belt loop that just swings. I like the. What are all the things I would probably I would wear again? Remember we had this conversation, Bobby, where you have to. Whatever you're going to do in this world we live in, that we chose to come up in.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J]

The comedy world.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J]

With the funniest people in the world, our friends.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J]

If you're going to do something like that, you got to fucking love it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J]

Because you're going to eat shit. And that is one of the only reasons I don't wear a Jim Morrison like belt that doesn't go through loops around my hips.

[Robert Kelly]

But I. I know what. Here's. Here's the thing, though. I know what you're doing. I know what you're doing. What you're. You're scientific experiment that you're doing right now. What with all of us.

[Big J]

What are you gonna say that? That's gonna be awesome, Jay?

[Robert Kelly]

No, you're slowly. You're sleep.

[Big J]

I'm grooming you. Am I grooming you?

[Robert Kelly]

Just like Norton did with the trans who, you know, jokes.

[Big J]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I would suck a pretty girl's dick. How do you guys feel now?

[Robert Kelly]

It's. Hey, meet my wife. Right? You what? Yeah, you stupid. Listen, dude, I love you, but your fingernail polish, it's out of control.

[Big J]

Black pussy pink.

[Robert Kelly]

Yep. No, it's not. Black pussy pink.

[Big J]

Yeah, sure. That's what's inside of black pussy. Christine, bring a picture of black pussy.

[Robert Kelly]

I swear to God, it's Barbie pink.

[Big J]

Huh?

[Robert Kelly]

You're wearing Barbie.

[Big J]

That'd be gay.

[Robert Kelly]

You're wearing.

[Big J]

Women wear that pussy pink.

[Robert Kelly]

You're wearing. Listen, you can name it whatever you want to name it.

[Big J]

Christine, please bring up pictures of black pussy. So you show you this black pussy you're bringing.

[Robert Kelly]

You're wearing Barbie pink. You're slowly easing us into you showing up like the lead singer or rat. I know what the you're doing, Jay. The hoodie.

[Big J]

No, I couldn't pull that out. You think I can pull that Out. I think it looks ridiculous.

[Robert Kelly]

This whole hoodie thing.

[Big J]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Is like a. Like a really nice car that has a. A thing over it.

[Big J]

My cocoon.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's your cocoon. Yes, dude. And you're gonna come out of like a cicada. Yeah.

[Big J]

I shall rise. I shall rise one day with a big floppy hat and 75 chains on. I mean, a ridiculous amount of chains. Some cheapy. That like, just. Oh, yeah. I don't know. I found this and whatever. And how about this one? Oh, that's $60,000 of diamonds. It's somewhere in between Johnny Depp. Somewhere between Johnny Depp and Wigger. Hang on.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Listen, 100% right. All right, I. Jay, right now there's a bunch of open black vaginas on the screen that Christine brought up. And he's holding his, what I called Barbie pink fingernails up to it, which I will. Which I will now change because you proved it. Your honor, he proved it. That if you open, I guess, a black vagina up, it is black vagina pink. He's wearing black vagina pink fingernail polish.

[Christine]

It is Barbie pink. And we called it Malibu pink, but.

[Robert Kelly]

It is not Malibu pink. From now on. It was black vagina pink. It is.

[Jacob]

That is so pink.

[Robert Kelly]

That's crazy, dude. That's crazy pink. I mean, that's a. That's a. Is that where they got Barbie pink from? Do you think. Do you think it's from there?

[Big J]

At my salon, it's called Black Pink Black, but they're all Asian rack. Oh, breck pink. She said.

[Robert Kelly]

Now when you. When you asked for that color, did you hear giggling? Did she run in the back? Okay, hang on. And then the back.

[Big J]

No, no, no.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, okay. We do the black pink. No, no. Nobody laughed.

[Big J]

No, she went. She went, oh, bright. And I went like the mighty black. And she went, breck pussy. And I went, black pussy. She went, breck pussy. And I put on true crime on my phone and I let her do it. She got it.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow, you're slowly. I know what you're doing, buddy.

[Big J]

What do you think I'm doing?

[Robert Kelly]

Slowly?

[Big J]

What do you think I'm gonna slide in on you?

[Robert Kelly]

You're slowly easing us into Christine, by the way.

[Big J]

That wasn't the kind of. But I know the Jim Morrison belt you brought, that's. That's a leather pants, no loops belt. I mean, like just around the waist belt.

[Robert Kelly]

I bet right now you have a mesh torn muscle shirt with Another white muscle shirt underneath it. I bet underneath that there's nothing I.

[Big J]

Want to do more than layer sleeveless shirts.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you have a span. Do you have spandex on right now?

[Big J]

No. What you're describing becomes like the Billy Squire video where he was dancing around gay and ruined his whole career.

[Robert Kelly]

Right?

[Big J]

That's the look you're talking about. I'm not talking about that.

[Robert Kelly]

No. You're actually wearing pink nail polish and slowly ruining your career. Yes.

[Big J]

Black pussy pin.

[Robert Kelly]

Black pussy pancake.

[Jacob]

He rised around gay.

[Big J]

Huh?

[Jacob]

Rised around gay.

[Big J]

He ride around gay. But also the double, double tank tops with, like, Miami Vice colors. Does not. That doesn't strike me at all the look.

[Robert Kelly]

Is there anything more sexy than a guy zipping up his third shirt?

[Big J]

Absolutely it.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob.

[Big J]

At least they're all autumn colors.

[Robert Kelly]

What would you take? Would you take the Earth Tone 5 shirt? Jacob.

[Big J]

Look.

[Robert Kelly]

Or would you take the black pink?

[Big J]

Oh, black. Oh, put that up on Twitter. I. Everyone's gonna say Jacob. You know why everybody el. There's gay. And they're afraid to just let their light shine because we're going to call them gay. I'm not gay.

[Robert Kelly]

No, you're not gay.

[Big J]

That's why I feel comfortable with this.

[Robert Kelly]

No, you're not gay. Your hands are gay.

[Big J]

My hands are not gay.

[Robert Kelly]

Your hands are the gayest hands I've ever seen in comedy.

[Big J]

But it does look nice when I whack off. Now. Who's this little darling? Who's this little darling pulling my pud? Oh, it's me.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, dude, you gotta give me a heads up.

[Big J]

I will. I'm sorry.

[Robert Kelly]

You gotta call me at least a day and a half before and go.

[Big J]

Yo, bro, I can't wait to give you phone calls. Bobby, I'm trying out a. No belt loops. Belt drop dripped around my waist this week. No, it's better to. It's better to spring these things on you and then we get your real reaction.

[Robert Kelly]

You got my real days. I don't like it.

[Big J]

Yeah, yeah, I know.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't like black pussy. Pink fingernails.

[Big J]

Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

I do like black. I do like black pussy.

[Big J]

Okay, well, does this make you think about that?

[Robert Kelly]

No. I mean, a little bit now. A little bit now. Look at Black Lou's.

[Big J]

Like.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it doesn't.

[Big J]

Oh, stop it.

[Robert Kelly]

Listen, I mean, it makes me want to do a little more research than I have in the past.

[Big J]

Christine, go get me two Hershey's Kisses. I'm put on either side of my finger and then tell me if you.

[Robert Kelly]

Like, why don't you just stick your finger through a Snickers?

[Jacob]

I didn't know what color you were getting. But this is less shocking to me because when I called Christine over the weekend, she's. We have to get your both approval on something. I can't ask Jay right now. He's getting his nails done.

[Big J]

It's true. Yeah. I'm indisposed. That's. That's my hour and a half.

[Robert Kelly]

Hour and a half.

[Big J]

No, between. I get my hair and beard done. Did. And then I go over. I have them put the little schmutz on the nails to take the stuff off.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Big J]

Then they. My eyebrows.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J]

I go out and they finish the thing. And, I mean, if I can get past the idea that I'm gonna get ticklish or freak out about my cuticles on my feet and kick an Asian lady in the face.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J]

I might add pedicure to the mix. I would like to sit like this for a while. I think I deserve as much as I run around for once every two weeks to sit like this.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J]

My hands in a little bowl.

[Robert Kelly]

You have the same regimen watching True.

[Big J]

Crime with all the other old ladies at the store.

[Robert Kelly]

You have the same regimen that Norton's wife has. Yeah. You guys. Jay. Slowly.

[Big J]

Yeah, we're both tops.

[Robert Kelly]

You're gonna come in one day without the beard and extensions and you, like. Listen, Bobby, I just want to say something.

[Big J]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

This is why Dan left. No.

[Big J]

No beard. No. No beard ever.

[Robert Kelly]

If you lose enough weight.

[Big J]

Never.

[Robert Kelly]

If you lose enough weight, you will transition into a female 100%.

[Big J]

Did you see Tom Cigarette shave his beard?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I love Tom. Love. I love him, but I do not.

[Big J]

He's a sweetheart.

[Robert Kelly]

I do not like hilarious shaving. He looks like you should be selling windows.

[Big J]

It doesn't look. It's.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Like he has new. Like, some new gadget for, like, the.

[Big J]

Home or he has a nickname, like Cappy.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, everybody.

[Big J]

I have such a. I don't know. I haven't seen my face with no facial hair since I was, like, an early teens, I guess, maybe like, 16, 17. And I will tell you, I'm terrified of it. I worry I have a weak chin. I don't know if it doesn't feel like I do, but what if I do? And then you got one of those fucking work goes from, like, lip to neck. It's not a good look.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't have that anymore, dude. You had it. You needed a beard for a long time to let people know that it was a space between Your head. Because it went from nose to tits.

[Big J]

Patrice says Jay has to have a hair. Jawline.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah. You needed it. I saw a picture of you popped up on my phone from my barbecue, and I was like, who's that? Lesbian? And it was just Lesbian. You were. You. Yeah. Your head was big. Your head went from your eyebrows to your shoulders.

[Big J]

Yeah. Then we watched last week, those, like, Xerox bloopers they have up. And you can see how much heavier I was then.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but now you look great, dude. You definitely have to.

[Big J]

I'll tell you what he's. It's funny, after the initial shock, that picture of him didn't look so bad in the beginning there.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but they can't call it Two Bears, One Cup. What do they call it?

[Big J]

Two Bears, One Cup. Where they. They in a cup and then smeared all over each other.

[Robert Kelly]

They can't call.

[Big J]

They call that a podcast. I don't know. It's not my.

[Robert Kelly]

They can't call Two Bears because he's not a bear anymore.

[Big J]

Yeah. We should do a podcast called Two Bears, One Cup. And just every week, we just fucking take dumps in the cups together. And then we drink it, and then we. Then we bring in fake poop and we smear that on each other.

[Robert Kelly]

Nice.

[Big J]

Whatever gets people off.

[Jacob]

Dude, that's Tom Segura.

[Robert Kelly]

That's him.

[Jacob]

You're joking.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big J]

Nope.

[Robert Kelly]

No. He shaved his beard. He's. He looks totally different. It's shockingly different. And that is Matthew McConaughey. My God.

[Big J]

I'll tell you what. The more I'm used to it, the less bad it looks. But when I first saw it, it was jarring.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's very jarring. Very jarring. Well, he's sitting next to Bert, too. And you're so used to both of them having the beards.

[Big J]

Burt came in the bonfire years ago in LA when they shaved their beard for some reason. Holy.

[Robert Kelly]

Did it look bad?

[Big J]

It wasn't even. It's just so shockingly different.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J]

I think I would look shockingly different without a beard.

[Robert Kelly]

I guess when he puts the glasses on, he looks all right.

[Big J]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J]

Oh, he looks fine.

[Robert Kelly]

But he weighed. He was fat. I mean, Tom Segura, when he was first on Netflix, was fat.

[Big J]

Yeah. He's also getting, like, a little stubble back here, though, in this.

[Robert Kelly]

But he's. He's actually in the best shape of his life right now.

[Big J]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

He looks fantastic.

[Big J]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

So, I mean, does that.

[Big J]

Hanging out with black people, everything's kind of seems on the up and up.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, but the fingernail polish, dude, it's a little. I mean, there's got to be a point where you get. I mean, it. The. You're so lucky Patrice is dead. I mean, we're all lucky. I mean, the.

[Big J]

I think it'd be a few years before he got off a Norton situation, before he worried about my nail polish.

[Robert Kelly]

If you walked in with those fingernails at the Cellar, I think he would have more of a problem with your fingernails than Norton's situation.

[Big J]

Not anymore, dude. Seller ain't the Cellar. I could walk in there now and paint my toenails at the table.

[Robert Kelly]

I know. You'd probably get more spots.

[Big J]

Ah, Bobby, that was a good one, Dude. You just got yourself a p. I've been waiting all. First pivot of the week.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you.

[Big J]

Is that the loner pivot?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I don't think so.

[Big J]

Make sure. God damn right.

[Robert Kelly]

You're good. Put that away from me.

[Big J]

No, you got yourself a real pivot.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you. The loaner pivot. You know where that goes.

[Big J]

Yeah. Well, Christine's still negative. Two pivins, but she could have a chance to. She. What do you think of my nails?

[Christine]

I think they're awesome.

[Big J]

She's lying. Of course. She's a pivot. And I'm. Yeah, I'm not gonna give her.

[Robert Kelly]

She also likes women.

[Big J]

She does like women.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J]

That is true. Do you like it? Because it makes me more ladylike.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

No, I think it's bold.

[Robert Kelly]

It's bold.

[Christine]

I think it's bold.

[Robert Kelly]

I think you're using the wrong word.

[Big J]

She's. I don't know what she's doing, but her face shows no. Genuine.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I tell you what it is? She's lying. Maybe 100% lying.

[Big J]

I think it's bold.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not bold.

[Big J]

It is.

[Robert Kelly]

First of all, you have no power when you put your hands together and do jaw punch. Yeah.

[Big J]

No, wait, look, if I fight, though, isn't that scary?

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's not scary. It looks like you're holding a balloon in your hand.

[Big J]

Or I come out scratching.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. You're a gay tiger.

[Big J]

Yeah. I have nails now, dude. I could scratch people when I fight now. That'd be pretty cool.

[Robert Kelly]

You're. Listen, when I.

[Big J]

Look, I've never been able to scratch in a fight, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

I. You can now. It would be illegal.

[Big J]

It'd be so great.

[Robert Kelly]

Your hands are ridiculous. No, a Ridiculous.

[Big J]

Why?

[Robert Kelly]

All right, I want. Close your eyes. I want to take a vote in the room right now. Close your eyes. Squeeze it tight.

[Big J]

Secret ballot.

[Robert Kelly]

Secret to ballot right now.

[Big J]

I swear I'll promise I'll keep him close. I'll put two pivots over my eyes.

[Robert Kelly]

Why don't you just put your little fingernails over your eyes?

[Big J]

I will. I don't know if you would trust that.

[Robert Kelly]

I I trust tested right now. And Christine, everybody, I want you to be real. I want you to look at them. Look at his little hands on his face. Do you like do look at his oh God, I can't even look at it.

[Lou]

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[Big J]

The people it had to be you.

[Robert Kelly]

Dang, you're not supposed to sound that good at karaoke.

[Big J]

You've just only heard me sing all stuffed up with nasal polyps. But now I'm on this medicine and breathing better. So this is me with less congestion.

[Theo]

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[Robert Kelly]

Oh, this is your song.

[Big J]

Wish I was singing.

[Theo]

After congested you, severe allergic reactions can occur. Get help right away for face, mouth, tongue or throat swelling, wheezing or trouble breathing. Tell your doctor right away of signs of inflamed blood vessels like rash, chest pain, worsening, shortness of breath, tingling or numbness in limbs. Tell your doctor of new or worsening eye problems like eye pain or vision changes, joint aches and pain, or a parasitic infection or asthma. Don't change or stop steroid asthma or other treatments without talking to your doctor.

[Lou]

Do more with less nasal polyps.

[Big J]

Ask your doctor about Dupixent.

[Theo]

Learn [e-mail] or call 1844 DUPIXENT at METRO.

[Big J]

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[Christine]

Switch now bring your ID and sign.

[Big J]

Up for a metro flex plan offer. Not available if currently at T mobile or been with Metro in the past 180 days.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you holding back on travel plans this holiday break because you're afraid of a language gap? Well, no need to mind the gap if you have babbel. I use babbel all the time. I just went to Cuba. It was so frustrating and not be able to ask for certain things. You know what? I just turned on my babbel app. All of a sudden I was speaking sentences, saying good afternoon. I got to go in and say por favor queso, which means please cheese. This app was amazing because it teaches you in a fun, relatable way that all of a sudden you just know words and they're in your lexicon. I'm learning Italian with my son. I put my whole family on babbel right now with a quick 10 minute lesson handcrafted by over 200 language experts. Babbel gets you talking in a new language just three weeks. And with the advanced speech recognition by babbel, it's like having a personal language tutor in your pocket helping you pronunciate whenever you open your mouth. I got babbel. I hopefully know Spanish and Italian by the end of the year and I already know a bunch of words. I know a couple swears too. Not on there from the guy I met in Cuba. Here's a special holiday deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription but only for the bonfire with big J ogerson and Robert kelly. [e-mail] Bonfire get up to 60% off babbel.com Bonfire spelled B a b B e L. Rules and restrictions may apply. Tiamo, gracias. Raise your hands if you don't think the pink is working for Jay. I'll phrase it that way. I will raise my hand first. Raise your hand. We have another one. We have one more. If you don't think that we have two, we have three now we have three. Raise your hand if you don't. I'm going to give you two more seconds. Four. We have four. We have. Lou, I know you're on the screen. I don't know if you hear what we're saying. I'm saying to you as a man with a son and a wife, wait.

[Big J]

Tell me when the voting's done so I can.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm just gonna give two more seconds to everybody in the room. Raise your hand if you do not think Barbie pink or black pussy. Pink is working on a. On a middle aged man with mittens on. Raise your hands.

[Big J]

Is this middle aged we?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you're middle aged, dude. You're not living to 120.

[Big J]

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah.

[Big J]

I might be late. This might be late. Time.

[Robert Kelly]

Raise your hand. Two more seconds.

[Big J]

Two more seconds. Come on. You're goading people now.

[Robert Kelly]

There you go. I'm not goading anybody. Okay, we have four. Four out of five people think it's not working.

[Big J]

Jay, there's six people.

[Robert Kelly]

One, two, three, four, five. Four out of six.

[Big J]

And Black Lou.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, okay, four out of six. One, two, three. Four out of six. No, not you. You don't count. Yeah, six. Sorry.

[Jacob]

Four out of six.

[Big J]

Now I have to guess.

[Robert Kelly]

You're pink. You're Pink.

[Big J]

Who the people turn was. Well, you're one of them.

[Robert Kelly]

Of course I am.

[Big J]

You're one.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm the one leading the charge on your silly fingers.

[Big J]

Black Lou probably raised his hand.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, well, there you go. Let's just move on from there. You say Black Lou? Go ahead.

[Big J]

Mmm. Jacob doesn't like when someone lives out loud and flies their freak flag.

[Robert Kelly]

That's true, he doesn't. But he does it internally, so you get two.

[Big J]

DJ Lou wishes he could be as fancy free.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, he'd get more guys in his life if he could.

[Big J]

Yes, Christine.

[Robert Kelly]

3.

[Jacob]

DJ Lou likes fire island, though. Like enjoys it.

[Big J]

He does like Fire Island.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but he only likes it at like spurts. And then he buries it and never goes back. Like it never happened. That's right.

[Jacob]

He's been there a few times.

[Robert Kelly]

He goes there a lot. But what happens there stays there. Jacob. I didn't go by myself. That's his Vegas.

[Jacob]

Right, but I mean, I'm just saying take it into consideration.

[Robert Kelly]

He meets Colin Quinn there every summer and they jerk each other off in a fucking sand dune.

[Big J]

I think Lindsay respects my swag.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Big J]

One of my oldest and closest friends in the world.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Big J]

My final four. Bobby Jacob, Black Lou, Lindsay. Those are the four who made it.

[Robert Kelly]

You were wrong on one.

[Big J]

Who?

[Robert Kelly]

Black Lou was in it.

[Big J]

He was in for it.

[Robert Kelly]

He was in for it.

[Big J]

So wait, so there's still part.

[Robert Kelly]

So it's still a person.

[Big J]

Well, who was the person? Who wasn't.

[Robert Kelly]

The other?

[Big J]

Lou Lou said he like he's in.

[Jacob]

No, he.

[Robert Kelly]

Black Lou likes it blue. Black Lou likes it. DJ Lou didn't.

[Big J]

Right. But there's still another person raised.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know.

[Big J]

I'm still another person.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm confused. They both raised no one. 1, 2, 3, 4. Did Bobby count himself? I did. 1, 2, 3, four. Didn't like it.

[Big J]

Lindsay.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Lindsay. Yeah. And that's. That's a girl who works in Vegas. I mean, she sees the silliest ever and she didn't. She wasn't in on it. That should tell you something. I mean, Christine has to do it.

[Big J]

Lindsay, do you like when my nails are painted white? As you've seen also, I like the whites, so it's just the color particular. It's just aggressively pink. Yeah. And you're anti black pussy.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm anti black.

[Big J]

Also spread this word, bartender to the circa super racist.

[Robert Kelly]

Because she does love the white.

[Big J]

She only flares. She only flares for white people.

[Robert Kelly]

She loves the white. Question, do we all like the other colors? I mean, look, I don't mind. The black is kind of rocking.

[Big J]

But now I don't like.

[Robert Kelly]

But now Lewis is painting his fingernails. You're starting to trend.

[Big J]

No, Lewis is like, yeah, I do mine black, so I. Because I find the black to be so hacky. If you're gonna do it, I mean, can you get. That's why I go bold color. They only last two weeks at a clip.

[Jacob]

By the way, Jay is not a goth chick.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Jacob]

He's not goth is what I'm saying. He wouldn't do black.

[Robert Kelly]

He did. He's done black.

[Big J]

No, I never did all black.

[Robert Kelly]

But you were. You did gray. You did dark colors for a long. You eased into.

[Big J]

Right. Brighter colors look better on my fingers.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it does not.

[Big J]

It does.

[Robert Kelly]

It does. It's so shocking to see your hand.

[Big J]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Pop up. It's. I can't. It freaks me out. I can't. I can't. When you hold it up, I just feel silly inside. When you hold it up. It does. It sounds like you're making a wish. Every time you hold silly inside, it makes.

[Big J]

It sounds like.

[Robert Kelly]

This is what I hear.

[Big J]

Bobby, anything's possible if you just believe. Is that light hitting me? If you just believe.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, I give you credit on this. Ready? First of all, you matched your hoodie, which is just gay.

[Big J]

No hoodie matched me.

[Robert Kelly]

You matched. He has a black hoodie with pink. Hot pink. A black pussy pig out her side.

[Big J]

Thank you. And it says Nashville pussy.

[Robert Kelly]

Nashville pussy pink.

[Big J]

But the color outside, black pussy pink.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but just because you have. Just because you. Dude, can you please not fold your wrist over while I'm talking to you? Please stop.

[Big J]

Bobby Preach.

[Robert Kelly]

Listen, he has both his wrists bent like Liza Minnelli at a press conference right now. I can't. I can't talk to you.

[Big J]

Dude, stop.

[Robert Kelly]

Don't hold your pinky up when you take a seat.

[Big J]

Well, it's unnatural to hold it like this. I like to hold it and kick it out.

[Robert Kelly]

Please put your pinky down because I'm gonna puke. Listen, stop your reacting.

[Big J]

Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't stop this. Stop using your hands. Oh, God, there's. There you go.

[Big J]

And I pity anyone who isn't me tonight. La la la la la la la la la la.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't. I gotta. I gotta take a picture of these. Goddamn sissy.

[Big J]

I feel happy.

[Robert Kelly]

These goddamn fingernails are bugging me.

[Big J]

Who can that attractive girl be? I wish she. Well, you guys didn't grow up with west side Story. God, your parents hated you.

[Robert Kelly]

No, they actually grew up with men. Shut up.

[Big J]

My grandmother and grandfather showed me this and it changed everything for me. That's when I knew I wanted to be in a singing and dancing gang.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm so glad your kid is old enough to not have to deal with that. Hey, is that your dad? You mean the one with the pink fingernails? Yeah, dad. Hey, Toodles. Over here.

[Big J]

You play. There's A Place For Us right now. I'll tear up.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, buddy.

[Big J]

Somewhere a place for us. Can I sing this song to you? And put my hand on your face?

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, dude, you asked.

[Big J]

There's A Time for Us song. So sad.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what's sad is my friend's slowly becoming an old woman. You remind me of Penguin's mom. Huh?

[Big J]

Oh, stop it, honey. Stop it, baby doll. Jacob tried to cry during this.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob's gonna think of his weekend at his house watching women's soccer by himself.

[Big J]

This Puerto Rican, her boyfriend was just stabbed and killed and he's dying in the streets. And she realizes that that was her only chance to make it in this country was to get out of that shitty Puerto Rican neighborhood and run off with this white guy. Yeah, and now he's dead.

[Robert Kelly]

The white guy's dead? White guy got stabbed. By who?

[Big J]

Tony died from a Puerto Rican dude. Did the cop end up shooting him?

[Jacob]

I'm gonna be honest. I never watched west side.

[Big J]

He killed Bernardo.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you know why?

[Big J]

Maria's brother?

[Robert Kelly]

Because you're a goddamn man that shoots lizards, that's why.

[Jacob]

Thank you.

[Big J]

We'll find a new way of living.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, if he's.

[Big J]

Guys, we'll find a new year. Forgive.

[Robert Kelly]

He's coming out of his cocoon, everyone.

[Big J]

The phoenix shall rise. What? Chino shot him. Bernardo's friend Chino also liked Maria, so he was kind of annoyed that Maria was getting piped down by Tony.

[Robert Kelly]

Just do me a favor. Stop talking with your hands. I can't. I feel like something magic's gonna happen.

[Big J]

And we're halfway there. Hold my hand, and I'll take you there somewhere, some way. Somewhere.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, it does do something. When you touch it, when you actually touch the pink, you have very soft.

[Big J]

Maybe you guys don't need to get in here and touch it.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, you know what I'm thinking?

[Big J]

Maybe we need to touch it.

[Robert Kelly]

You have softer hands than a priest.

[Big J]

I'm getting myself a pivot for that rendition of There's a Place for Us. That was great, Jacob. You tried to not cry. That's the only reason you didn't. I gave you an out by letting you laugh at my performance. But if that was just playing, you'd have fell to pieces.

[Robert Kelly]

Is there now, Christine, I know that you don't. You love the freak flying stuff. You don't care about anything. Right? Is there a. Is there a limit to what Jay can do where you're like, well, you have to call Rebecca and just be like, yo, breast implants. Is there. Have you ever caught him, like, trying on your jewelry? No. Get out of my Louis Vuitton box.

[Big J]

I'm just trying on Christine's scarves and floppy hats.

[Robert Kelly]

I bet that's why you bought the extra jewelry box. It wasn't for you. It was for him.

[Big J]

Yeah, I was hoping. I was like, oh, she has one. And then we'll just keep this one for me. Why not?

[Robert Kelly]

Have you ever caught him, like, wearing one of your necklaces with a key on it?

[Big J]

There's no catching me.

[Robert Kelly]

No. Have you ever come home and he's wearing one of your Long island sweaters, Just naked with his pink fingernails, sometimes.

[Big J]

Reading in a windowsill?

[Robert Kelly]

Is there anything that he's ever done that you like is a little too far?

[Christine]

No, he hasn't.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, think about it.

[Christine]

Well, here's the thing. It's like Jay. So he does the hair, and he has the jewelry and whatnot, But, I mean, he wears jeans and sweatshirts, shirts all the time. He's not actually very. I know he has accessories, but it's pretty basic when it comes down to it.

[Robert Kelly]

What's basic? Hoodies and jeans, Hoodie jeans.

[Christine]

And then you have the gloves.

[Robert Kelly]

Keep going. Keep going.

[Christine]

Hey, I like this stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

I know you do, because you're a woman. Why would you. Why wouldn't you like a little chain.

[Big J]

That says toy Toy that I got from Madonna concert.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes. You're a female. That's why you like it.

[Big J]

I just forgot that I have the thing. It says boy toy.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, buddy. I love you no matter what, bro. All you have to do.

[Big J]

What do you think you are? I'm holding something in.

[Robert Kelly]

I think. I'm just telling you this. I love you no matter who you are.

[Big J]

Let's back pocket that. If I ever have to get away from Christine.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I am.

[Big J]

I'll be like, christine, I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. I need to live out loud.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, you're living out loud right now.

[Big J]

And then you have to French kiss me right in front of her.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude, I'll smack it on you right now.

[Big J]

Thank you.

[Robert Kelly]

You put those guys.

[Big J]

You meant to take me from behind for Christine to believe it. No, you'll have me. Look, I'm not gonna like it, but I'm trying to get away from her.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm the. I'm the alpha.

[Big J]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Big J]

In this. Cuz I think she could still keep respect for me if I was really working you over. Been over something.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, of course you can.

[Big J]

But like it. She would be like, damn, look at him. Fucking dominate Bobby. But if you have me.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J]

And all she sees is my pink fingernails scraping down your back, right? She'll know then that I should be, oh, he is gay. And then she'll leave me.

[Robert Kelly]

She sees me just grabbing that red tuft of hair and pushing it into my bush.

[Big J]

And I go, oh.

[Robert Kelly]

Christine, would it be worse if you caught me and Jay banging me? Banging him would fuck you up more than him banging me.

[Jacob]

Like vampires.

[Robert Kelly]

Bottom J.

[Big J]

Me on all fours, putting my hand out. No, no, no, no.

[Robert Kelly]

Bottom J, bottom J. If that's not a shirt tomorrow. Bottom J, bottom J. With your little. Little pink fingernails.

[Big J]

I like trying to stop the TMZ camera.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, no pitches.

[Big J]

Ow.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know, bro. It's. Look, man, I love your choices. I'm. I'm behind you all the. Well, I'm with you all the way. And I love you. No matter. But you're getting. You're slowly. It's slowly creeping further and further over to the other side.

[Big J]

How? Just.

[Christine]

Man, bags design.

[Robert Kelly]

First of all, you have a purse collection. Oh, no.

[Jacob]

Well, you have a purse collection.

[Big J]

You do a purse collection.

[Christine]

He's got one.

[Big J]

I have a purse.

[Robert Kelly]

I have sling bags. First of all, I have a Louis Vuitton and a Gucci, and I have them because you know what? I Figured it out. I figured it out. Jay, it's nothing to do with you. It's this fag hag you're with. Who? Who? This. She. She's. She's getting me too. I. Dude, I had regular sling bags and backpacks until I met your witch that you live with. And then all of a sudden, she.

[Big J]

Said, the other day, we got invited to an event at Louis Vuitton. I went, what? She goes for their clients. I went, we're clients. And she goes, yeah. I go, what the fuck? Why would be invited like a store I bought something at before? It's wacky.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, she's. She has power there. I went there. I was going there to buy Don's bag, which she loved, by the way. I mean, wears it every day.

[Big J]

Oh, do tell.

[Robert Kelly]

I will.

[Big J]

Dude, tell me everything and leave out nothing.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna throw up if you keep flapping your wrists. Dude, I can't. I can't. Yeah, I went there and she was like. I was like, I gotta get this bag. Blah, blah, blah. She's like, all right, let me call my guy. She pulled that shit. And I was like, what? She goes, let me call my guy. She has a guy at Louis Vuitton.

[Big J]

Like, she's in Dawn.

[Robert Kelly]

No, that woman right there.

[Big J]

Oh, yeah.

[Christine]

He's. Who invited us to the event on Wednesday.

[Robert Kelly]

And here's the deal, too. You got me to get the bag. I got the Louis. You got me into. Louie. You slowly talked me into that. You slow. And then you were like, gucci's gray, too. You got.

[Christine]

She already had a Louis.

[Robert Kelly]

She looked.

[Christine]

And you wanted a different color.

[Robert Kelly]

You want. You got me to get one.

[Christine]

Yeah, because you saw Jay's, and you saw how nice it was, and you wanted one, too. Yeah, but you got the Eclipse monogram.

[Big J]

You're saying Christine.

[Robert Kelly]

How do you know the name of my bag?

[Big J]

Are you saying Christine mind fucked me? And ultimately getting black pussy, pink fingernails.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think it's your fault. I think you're a victim of Christine trying to make you into the woman that she's always wanted.

[Big J]

She wanted a woman with fantastic detective work.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you very much.

[Big J]

You got yourself a pivot.

[Robert Kelly]

And I think Christine wants a full. She wants a full. She wants a bisexual bonfire.

[Big J]

And you know something?

[Christine]

I 100% do not want a bisexual J.

[Robert Kelly]

That's why she wanted. I bet she's the reason why Dan left. I bet she's too gay for Dan. Damn.

[Big J]

He wrote me a note about it. I'll release when I die. She Knows it's in a stack of envelopes that says, if I die, release, do not show.

[Robert Kelly]

Christine, isn't it weird that when Dan got a girl, real girlfriend, all of a sudden he's gone?

[Big J]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, he's gone. You know what I mean? And she knows that I'm, you know, kind of. My wife's in menopause. The relationship's a little weak sexually right now. All of a sudden, I'm buying girl bags. I'm wearing. Look at this hoodie. Look at this little.

[Christine]

They're men's bags.

[Big J]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, now you go. This is what she does.

[Christine]

But they're still bags.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, she's. She. She does. It's not your fault. Look at me, Jay. Look at me. It's not your fault, Brian. You slowly becoming a woman is not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not. Christina, stop now. Look at me. Look at me. It's Jay. Look at me. We can bring you home, kid.

[Big J]

Stop. Not you, Bob.

[Robert Kelly]

We can bring you home, brother.

[Big J]

Not you.

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby, listen to me. No, don't look at her. She's the one who got you here. Dude.

[Big J]

Not you, man.

[Robert Kelly]

Listen to me, bro. Yeah. I love you, man. I'm here for you. To bring you back to the man side. You just have to trust me.

[Big J]

Just let me cry on your chest.

[Christine]

Bobby's gonna come in with white fingernails.

[Robert Kelly]

Next week if you have anything to say about it. You're gonna make us both little girls.

[Big J]

Oh, hey, Lindsay. I hope you're texting one of your friends. You just fucked up royally, because I was gonna give you a pivot for being a good person. And I was gonna let you be the first person as a guest.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Big J]

To take your pivot home with you.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big J]

And now no pivins.

[Jacob]

It's kind of a big deal.

[Robert Kelly]

Her mom called. Mom calls. It's her mom.

[Big J]

Yeah, well, I ignored it. Let her know you fucked up.

[Robert Kelly]

I told you not to hang out with those sissies.

[Big J]

Did I hear your friends wearing black? Pink nail polish? I don't know why we made her some Long island lady.

[Robert Kelly]

Who cares? We're gonna make her a Vegas lady.

[Big J]

How do you know it's Ohio?

[Robert Kelly]

Ohio.

[Big J]

Oh, that's not. I don't even know the accent from there. Pop. Something with pop.

[Jacob]

Nobody's ever left with a. With a pivot before.

[Robert Kelly]

Nobody.

[Big J]

You could have been the first.

[Jacob]

You could have been the first.

[Christine]

I was left with negative 3 pivots.

[Big J]

But you are up to negative 2.

[Jacob]

Negative.

[Christine]

You can leave with negative.

[Robert Kelly]

Not all of Us. One of us?

[Big J]

Yeah. You could leave in pivot debt. That is true, but yeah, for the.

[Robert Kelly]

Weekend, by the way.

[Big J]

For the weekend.

[Robert Kelly]

I think this is her way of getting you back.

[Big J]

What, by saying she likes my nails slowly transform. What is it, Bobby? Is she trying to turn me into a lady?

[Robert Kelly]

She's slowly transforming.

[Big J]

Do you think she wants to.

[Robert Kelly]

She's always been so.

[Big J]

You think she doesn't want to leave me, but she just wants to dyke out with me?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, she wants to scissor you so bad.

[Big J]

Okay, she doesn't scissor.

[Robert Kelly]

She doesn't want those Philly fingers in her. She wants a nice girl hand in her.

[Big J]

Yeah. I look like a large woman.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what she gets when she. You reach around and grab her from behind and she sees those little girl hands. She has you cover your. Your man tattoos with mittens.

[Big J]

Oh, yeah, I know. I have the fingers of a lady who wears blazers at work.

[Robert Kelly]

She goes, the only way I could come is if his hands look like Madonna's hands from 1986.

[Big J]

No way. I got a black receptionist.

[Robert Kelly]

Listen, dude, I mean, you start getting.

[Christine]

Acrylics like Marc Jacobs.

[Robert Kelly]

What? What do you mean? Like long.

[Big J]

Is he gay?

[Christine]

Oh, yeah.

[Big J]

Oh, then no. But he wasn't gay, though. I would have totally gotten acrylics. I'll tell you what. I've seen some designs that I'm like, how do you do that? And they're like, oh, it's like one full piece. And I'm like, no, I can't get a nail put on.

[Robert Kelly]

You if you get a nail put on.

[Big J]

I won't.

[Robert Kelly]

I'll bite them off.

[Big J]

No, they're not good. They wouldn't have been like nail. They would look like these. But it's something over. I'm. I'm not doing that.

[Robert Kelly]

You. If you get ever an acrylic put on your fingernail as a man, I'll bite them off.

[Big J]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Live on air.

[Big J]

I don't. It was like a full. It was like a. Like a Burberry plaid, brownish. It was cool looking.

[Robert Kelly]

No, it's not.

[Big J]

It was super cool.

[Robert Kelly]

It's not super cooling.

[Big J]

Christine, can you picture what I'm saying? What is it like the. Like the plaid of, like, Burberry?

[Christine]

Huh?

[Big J]

But the brown acrylics.

[Robert Kelly]

He's talking about getting acrylic bur.

[Big J]

I'm not talking about anything. I'm just talking about these things I saw. Slow down, everybody.

[Robert Kelly]

That you wanted to get. Please don't. Don't go. Because this.

[Big J]

All right, by then what do I do? First do I do the belt? The belt? Loopless belt falling around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But not that long, obviously.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God, those are awesome. No, they're not. They're not. They're pretty cool for a 15 year.

[Big J]

Old girl from Long island and me.

[Christine]

Look, Jay, here.

[Big J]

Why?

[Christine]

They're short.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big J]

Yeah. Zazzle.

[Robert Kelly]

Please, please don't do that.

[Big J]

What are they?

[Robert Kelly]

Please don't do that.

[Christine]

They're stickers.

[Robert Kelly]

Please don't do that.

[Big J]

Sticker art. You think I can do it myself?

[Robert Kelly]

No, you cannot.

[Big J]

Give me some Zazzles.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I don't.

[Big J]

They have leopard ones.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm a throw up. I'm going to throw up.

[Big J]

Look out world.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Jay. Look at these botanical flowers.

[Big J]

I want so many of these.

[Robert Kelly]

Look at these.

[Big J]

I want all of them.

[Robert Kelly]

Frank.

[Christine]

Zebra.

[Big J]

Christine, just start clicking.

[Christine]

Look at the Santa ones.

[Big J]

I don't want Santa's. That's gay.

[Robert Kelly]

You're gay.

[Big J]

That's so gay. Give me some Zazzle.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean I did like the leopard were kind of cool.

[Big J]

The leopard was awesome. Oh, wait, look at.

[Robert Kelly]

Go down, buddy. Just one leopard on the right. That's it.

[Big J]

Look how cool those are.

[Robert Kelly]

What is it?

[Christine]

The zebra?

[Big J]

No, the water above it. Pretty neat. I like that.

[Robert Kelly]

That's. Are you kidding me? No, buddy. That looks like my mods. Bathroom wallpaper.

[Big J]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

No, that's golden girl fingernails, bro.

[Big J]

No. What have I done?

[Robert Kelly]

No, she just didn't want to look at your hand. Was making her sick. I can't believe Black Lou. You liked his fingernails. I cannot believe. I cannot believe you liked. What? You gotta understand why you. Wait, wait, wait. What are you talking about? Would you? Go ahead. What you gotta understand is that pimps, you know, like Snoop Dogg. Yep. Get their hair and nails done. So anything, anything that he wants to do. As far as his nails, I think is a pimp decision. Really? Because Snoop Dogg does it. Absolutely. There's no way Snoop Dogg and I will get anything. He doesn't get French tips. He does not get pink.

[Big J]

He does not get pink French tips. That was pretty good.

[Robert Kelly]

What's up?

[Big J]

French tip, right? So gay.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, the white on the end of it.

[Christine]

See, you know what it is?

[Robert Kelly]

I do. I love that you knew from the.

[Big J]

Second we said it what it was. You think it made you sound more manly to not know what it was?

[Christine]

I would show you, but this computer decided to wig out.

[Big J]

It is doing a strange thing on the screen there. Well, we got to take a break anyway.

[Robert Kelly]

We're going to take a break.

[Big J]

Don't worry. If I know this company this computer problem will be sorted out within the month.

[Jacob]

You just tapped it ever so lightly.

[Big J]

And everything ever so lightly. And the screen. Hang on.

[Robert Kelly]

Do me a favor. Use your fairy fingernails to get it back. Wave your wand. Stop banging stuff.

[Big J]

This works sometimes. Nope. All right, we'll be right back. It's the bonfire now, featuring Brat Pink.

[Lou]

Netcredit is here to say yes because you're more than a credit score. Apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day. Loans offered by NetCredit or lending partner banks and service by NetCredit. Applications subject to review and approval. Learn more at netcredit.com partners netcredit credit to the People.

[Robert Kelly]

When work gets crazy.

[Big J]

I like to stop by the bar after, have a few cold ones.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't drink at all until 4:00. We limit ourselves to one bottle of wine a night. Excessive drinking has a way of sneaking up on us. A few drinks a few nights a week, it can add up and suddenly.

[Big J]

We'Re at greater risk for long term.

[Robert Kelly]

Problems like heart disease, cancer and depression.

[Theo]

Reason enough to rethink the Drink.

[Robert Kelly]

[e-mail] Anoha Initiative.