Storytime Bob & Adventure Hats

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: Storytime Bob & Adventure Hats
Date: November 14, 2025
Host: SiriusXM Faction Talk, Channel 103

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Bonfire delivers classic unfiltered humor as Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly—joined by Christine, Lou, and Jacob—riff on everything from storytelling trends in comedy, the allure and ridicule of wearing hats, club security, and evolving personal styles. Hilarious, meandering, and meta, much of the show is spent debating the art and ethics of "storytelling" among comics, regaling a wild true-crime tale, and lampooning each other's wardrobe choices, especially adventure hats and bold accessories.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comedy Circles, Club Audiences, and Rogan Stories

• [01:07–05:34] Christine and Bobby trade stories about recent nights at NYC clubs, touching on comic Avi Loeb, encounters at Rogan's studio, and the unique make-up of club audiences—where die-hard fans intermingle with global tourists.
• Jay reflects: “One night I was there, it was no fans. It was just the world looking back at me.” (05:03)

2. Mothership Security & Comedy Club Vibes

• [05:34–07:06] The comics jokingly admire the intense security at Austin’s Mothership (Joe Rogan’s club), noting the door staff’s tough demeanor.
• “It’s weird just to look up at a guy goes, id, please. Or else. I mean, their eyes say, or else. Don’t give me your id.” - Christine, 05:36

3. Special Ops Guys & The Addiction to Adrenaline

• [07:06–08:16] Bobby meditates on Navy SEALs and ex–special ops guys, how their craving for adrenaline sometimes leads them into new careers—like public storytelling on YouTube and podcasts.

4. The Epic True-Crime Storytelling Detour

• [08:16–15:15]
  • Bobby, eager to test his "storytelling chops," recounts a notorious case (Daniel LaPlante)—a Massachusetts home invasion gone deeply awry, involving Ouija boards, tapping noises, and a madman living secretly in the walls.
  • The crew alternately heckle, interrupt, and help steer the narrative, noting how much it suddenly veered from paranormal to pure crime horror.
  • Memorable quote:
    • “Hang on a second, Lou. It’s not paranormal anymore. There was a man. There was a man in the closet.” – Christine, 11:01
    • “So sad. So then the cops come. They check the whole house. Nothing’s. Nobody’s there. Nothing’s there.” – Bobby, 11:16
  • Punchline twist:
    • Christine and Jacob roast: "What the fuck does this have to do with being a Navy SEAL?" (13:21)
    • Bobby cops to just being fascinated by the art of telling gripping stories and wanting to try it himself.

5. Ethics, Style, and Limits of Comedic Storytelling

• [15:15–23:05] The group debates whether comics should "borrow" true stories, if adding comedic color is fair, and whether there's a place in comedy for serious storytelling (vs. pure funny). Bobby is ribbed for aspiring to an NPR or Moth "story hour" style but still wanting to inject edge and irreverence.
  • “Should I do it? Wait, what, you’re just going to look up a story and then tell the story earnestly?” – Christine, 17:39
  • “There’s only one version of a true story.” – Christine, 23:13

6. The Great Hat & Adventure Style Debate

• [32:30–50:12]
  • The conversation morphs into a sustained, absolutely Bonfire–esque roast session on personal style, focusing especially on hats and midlife wardrobe pivots.
  • Bobby admits to owning various “adventure hats” and sporting them up in New Hampshire, with Christine and others poking fun at his “secret life” and the line between eccentric and embarrassing.
    • “You wear a cowboy hat sometimes up there?” – Christine (33:25)
    • “Dawn hates all my hats.” – Bobby (33:53)
  • Christine confesses she’s nervous to wear a new bold hat in public, while Lou, Jacob, and Bobby offer hat solidarity and advice on “owning it with confidence.”
  • Discussion extends hilariously to Kangols, Scally caps, and “guide” hats (à la Indiana Jones), including whether such items signify adventure, midlife crisis, or just fun.
    • “There’s a thin line, Jacob, between adventurer and Freddy fucking Krueger.” – Christine (51:17)
    • “What does Freddy Krueger’s hat look like?” – Bobby (51:23)

7. Styles and Stigma in Comedy Circles

• [37:14–41:12]
  • Bobby shares an anecdote about getting roasted at the Comedy Cellar by Ricky Velez and others for his fashion choices.
    • “They all just stepped back and started ripping apart my outfit. … It’s almost like they were waiting for this moment.” – Bobby (38:14)
  • The group agrees: in comedy, every image pivot guarantees ribbing—and there are few sacred cows, whether it’s fingerless gloves or flat-brim hats.

8. Storytelling Traditions, Masculinity, and Nostalgia

• [56:13–58:31]
  • Bobby reminisces about inheriting his grandfather’s hat (or so he thought), then learning it wasn’t actually his—a surprisingly poignant turn that’s immediately deflated by the usual dark humor.
    • “So for two summers, I was wearing some fucking other person's grandfather's old hat with sweat in it.” – Bobby (58:23)
  • The crew touches on generational style changes, the end of American men wearing hats everywhere, and JFK’s fabled role in killing off the hat era.

9. Pop Culture, Club Scenes & Coattail-Jumping

• [61:30–63:52]
  • In classic Bonfire style, the last extended riff is about Austin’s new comedy scene, comics “jumping on coattails” (mostly about their friend Joe DeRosa), and fond ribbing of peers who adapt their whole vibe (and facial hair) to suit their social-climbing needs.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Club Audiences:
  “One night I was there, it was no fans. It was just the world looking back at me.” — Jay (05:03)

• On True Crime Storytelling:
  “Hang on a second, Lou. It's not paranormal anymore. There was a man. There was a man in the closet.” — Christine (11:01)

• On Wearing Hats and Living Out Loud:
  “I try not to wear [my hats] with her. Like when I go on a hike by myself or I go fly fishing or I go out with Max, I'll throw my hat off.”— Bobby (48:29)
  “You gotta own it. You just gotta own it.” — Bobby (35:41)

• On Comedy Roasts & Fashion:
  “They all just stepped back and started ripping apart my outfit. … It’s almost like they were waiting for this moment for one of the other lions to be alone.” — Bobby (38:14)

• On Generational Change:
  “All men used to wear hats. All men back in the—”
  “And all men were problem alcoholics back then.” — (Lou & Christine, 56:47–56:50)

• On Stealing Stories:
  “There’s only one version of a true story.” – Christine (23:13)

• On Mystical Hats:
  “When I put that hat on, it was like the final Infinity Stone went on the Infinity Gauntlet.” — Jacob (56:03)

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |------------|--------------------| | 01:07 | Christine opens with a NY club story | | 08:16 | Bobby begins the “storytelling” true-crime tale | | 11:01 | Realization: It’s not paranormal, it’s a psycho in the walls | | 15:15 | Group debates appropriateness and ethics of storytelling | | 32:30 | The Great Hat Style Debate | | 37:14 | Bobby’s Comedy Cellar fashion roast | | 48:29 | Bobby on sneaking hats in New Hampshire | | 56:03 | Jacob on “destiny” with an adventure hat | | 58:23 | Bobby’s granddad’s hat turned thrift store fake | | 61:30 | Bonfire take on “Austin Joe" (DeRosa) and social climbing in comedy |

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Tone & Style

The episode is classic Bonfire: freewheeling, playful, at-times dark, and completely unfiltered. The crew’s natural chemistry and tendency to riff and roast each other ensure every topic, no matter how trivial (or serious), is approached with irreverence and brutal honesty. In the middle of apparent chaos, the core chemistry and insight into the comedy world always shine through.

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Useful for:

• Fans who want the best moments without sitting through ads
• Comedy industry insiders and fans interested in trends on storytelling, NYC vs. Austin club scene, and what comics really think about personal style
• Anyone debating whether to buy that “adventure hat” (but not if you mind being compared to Freddy Krueger…)

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End of Summary

Transcript

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[Christine]

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[Christine]

Last night, I went down to the stand.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep.

[Christine]

And I saw Sean Donnelly and Dan St. Germain. And I went over and I checked his. I checked his glass. I go, this isn't booze, is it? Dude, you're not on the sauce. Because it was just a comet. I know you're preparing to be worshiping some kind of fucking green God right now, but, yep, it was just a stupid comment.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was a comet with uncanny amounts of nickel.

[Christine]

Big deal, huh? That's big.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not for a meth head. Nickel, copper and copper and nickel, though. Rip a house apart for that.

[Christine]

The valor I stole, though, because I remember a few times in here, I told Sean this. Sean, when he was in here, mentioned Avi Lieb.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Avi Loeb.

[Christine]

Avi Loeb.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

And I'm guessing, too, I think it's what it is. Loeb. It's Loeb for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Harvard scientist.

[Christine]

Yes. Avi Loeb. Yeah, I suppose. And when we were sitting in Rogan's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Studio on the show, Avi Lieb to you, because he's Jewish.

[Christine]

Lieb Lieb. In Rogan studio, when we were doing the show, at one point, I looked over, he had a stack of books, and one of them was by Avi Loeb. I go, oh, I just. A friend of mine was just talking about him doing the whole thing about the Comet and stuff. Turned him right into the comet conversation. Got him right into the Comic Con me. I solidified my sphere spot for sure. For sure. I got a parking spot now.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, it's so funny because I was eat. You know, he. You know, when you. Sometimes you crack a joke on there and he broken be like, no, that's not true. And you're like, oh, no, no, I was kid. You know what I mean? But you can't because he's so talk so like deep about stuff. Yeah, I was listening to him and Elon Musk was just on. And Elon is a. He loves joking. He cracks jokes too.

[Christine]

Oh, and he hail little Hitler. He's hilarious.

[Bobby Kelly]

But it's all jokes. Like, hilarious.

[Christine]

Look, you're not gonna get this guy to say it's not hilarious.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's all. It's all like, like almost like street jokes or analogy jokes. He's like, it's like the analogy. He goes, you know, like sausage and government. You know, you love them, but you don't want to see how they're made, right? And then it was just a little quick little joke. And Rogan went, nah, man, I make sausages. I make elk sausages made really good. You could see Elon go, no, I know. It was just like a little joke.

[Christine]

Excuse me.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, I make sausages. My sausages are elk meat. And just. He goes, it's just pepper and spices and elk meat.

[Christine]

So that's how it's made some fat. Just like government. I was like, anything else, genius?

[Bobby Kelly]

Anything else, Space man.

[Christine]

Anything else? They're rocket, boy.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was. It was pretty interesting because he. Because Elon does. If you listen to the podcast, he's cracking a lot of the. His jokes. His humor is all analogy based humor. It's all nerd humor.

[Christine]

It's not the forum for it, man. No, they. I did the club all weekend, Mothership, which great audiences are fantastic. It is interesting, though. It is a place you're selling out. But like, you know, Dave Smith pointed out, you got to start when you're doing that club. You got to tell your fans, rush to get tickets to get tickets, because you can still tell at its best, dude, 70, 30 people that know you, that don't.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's like the seller. It's like my Tuesday night. You can tell when. When, like fans are there.

[Christine]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

But most of the time, the front row. It's the world.

[Christine]

Yeah. They just came in from.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, it's like, where are you from? Taiwan? Where are you from? Germany? Where Are you from Bangladesh? Where are you from? Poland. It's like they're just there because.

[Christine]

Is that the not American room? That's a wacky front row.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a crazy front. One night I was there, it was no fans. It was just the world looking back at me.

[Christine]

That's tough. I don't do great always in front of the world. I do good in front of, like some world. I could even do pretty good sometimes with 3/4 world. As long as there's a quarter of me in that room.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's some Jersey and some Long island.

[Christine]

Just some factory working, truck driving motherfucker who likes the shit I say. But the. The club is great. The staff there is great. They treat you awesome. It is. But I will say I just. The only thing that I would do differently, which means nothing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ooh, Hot Topic.

[Christine]

It's awesome the amount of security that is there to make sure everyone's okay. And the fact that everyone who has to stamp your hand and check your ID could murder you with a hand tied behind their back. Yeah, I think they're trained to do so. Get the face. The face shouldn't show that. I think when you're walking to a comedy club, it's weird just to look up at a guy goes, id, please. Or else. I mean, their eyes say, or else. Don't give me your id. Every guy there shouldn't feel like this guy taking his ID could humiliate him in front of his girlfriend. You know what I mean? Hey, little fat man, give me your id. Is this lady with you? What happens if trouble pops up? I don't know. I guess it's your problem. Get in there, enjoy yourself. Have a good night.

[Bobby Kelly]

And just whispers in your squats.

[Christine]

They're just. Yeah, everyone's face is just like.

[Bobby Kelly]

You do a little couple squats, you work that out.

[Christine]

Face like lines over here. Id. Everyone looks so serious.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you can't just work your arms. You got to work your forearms, too. Your forearms are right. We did it. I love it. I. When I show up, because that's. My God, if I could live life over, I would just be one of those Delta SEAL team. At least I'd try. Hang on, let me just think.

[Christine]

The only thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me preface.

[Christine]

All right, Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would try. I mean, of course, I'd probably ring the bell.

[Christine]

If I could do it all over again. If I could do it all over again, I would do the hardest thing in the world.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ah, dude, I love listening to those guys, man. They're just men.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know I've been.

[Christine]

This is buried in mud for three days.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is weird. You know, a lot of those guys come back up. They come back, they know the. The adrenaline. They, they. Their adrenaline, that's their drug. You know, a lot of these guys have addiction type personalities. Addict type personalities. So when they get in there, that. That adrenaline dump of going somewhere where you might be killed, and then when they come back and they hear birds chirping and shit, and they're raking leaves, they're like, I gotta kill somebody. So there was one guy that came back and it was. I was. I was against it because I'm not really into it. He became a storyteller. I know. I can tell by your face. He's a. I know. Dude. He tells stories. He's a storyteller. I know. He's an ex Navy seal that became a storyteller. And.

[Christine]

And that's when I felt myself feeling more comfortable covered in the blood of those towel heads. We're gonna take a quick break. I'm take a piss. But he mull that over.

[Bobby Kelly]

He tells stories on his podcast and he does it on Tick tock and Instagram and stuff.

[Christine]

Tick tock and hey, guys, you never forget to smell the inside of a body. All right? Smash that subscribe button.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, it's not that story. She tells, like. Like one story he told, which I was like, let me give this a shot. And he get. He. He's a girl. He tell. The guy was like, tell us a story. So he's like, okay. There was this family that. A father and two daughters and the mother. And the mother passed away really suddenly from cancer. So all of a sudden the girls, you know, had no mother, blah, blah. And one. One day the girls got a Ouija board while the father was away. And they, let's try to contact mom. And they went to the basement and they did the Ouija board and. And nothing happened. But they go back upstairs and all of a sudden they hear tapping. And they're like, oh, my God, what is that? But it was rhythmatic. And they're like, is that mom? Maybe that's mom. Maybe we did get her. And then all of a sudden they were asking her questions and she was. The tapping was answering like, is it you, mom? So then they went to the basement and they heard the tapping. And then they. For the next couple days, they were in their house and they were hearing this tapping. And they would be talking to the mom like, it's the mom. And they kept hearing it, so much so that they they went to their father, and they go, we. We did this, and mom is contacting us. And the father was like, listen, you guys are going through this trauma. I'm going to have to get you into therapy. They went to therapy immediately, and then the tapping stopped. So the father and the daughters came home one night with actually, a friend of theirs. And they came into the house, and there was shaving cream. Oh, no. This is a little thing happened. They. They came home, they went to the basement, and they heard the tapping, so they followed to the basement. And as they were coming back up on the wall, it was written, I'm in your closet. Right? So they ran upstairs. Blah, blah, blah. They're freaked out. And they were hearing the tapping under their beds. They were hearing the tapping in their closets. They were hearing the tapping all over the house. And that's why the father was like, you got to go to therapy.

[Christine]

This is.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is. Took him to therapy. The tapping stops. They're coming home a couple days after that, and the tapping hasn't happened for a couple days. And they come into the house, and the father sees in the sun room, written in shaving cream, will you marry me? And all of a sudden, he looks in the closet, door opens, and a guy comes out dressed in the wife's nightgown with a clown mask, holding a hatchet. And he's to the father, and the daughter says, go upstairs. Go upstairs. So he forces them upstairs, and he gets into the bedroom, and the father's holding the door, and he's. The other guy's trying to pull the door open, and he's holding the door shut. One of the daughters jumps out of the window, runs to the neighbor's house, calls the cops. The cops come, they search the house. Nobody's there.

[Christine]

Hang on a second, Lou. It's not paranormal anymore. There was a man. There was a man in the closet.

[Bobby Kelly]

It took me a while to figure that out.

[Christine]

So it was great when it was spooky, you were nailing it, but then it went to dark.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. So sad. So then the cops come. They check the whole house. Nothing's. Nobody's there. Nothing's there.

[Christine]

Where's this. Where's the setting of.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is in Massachusetts. Okay. So they. Listen, can you go stay somewhere else? We'll watch the house for the next couple days, see if this person comes back. Blah, blah, blah. The father goes away to a friend's house, and then he's like, look, I got to go back to the house and get some clothes for the girls. And myself, I'll go during the day, while the cops are there. He's. He shows up. He looks up in the window, somebody's in the house. So before he goes in, he goes to the neighbor's house, calls the police. Hey, I'm coming over. I just want to make sure that, you know, there's a police officer inside. I don't want him to startle him. They're like, nobody's in your house. We don't go in your house. We sit out in front of your house. We've been sitting out front. He goes, there's nobody out front. He goes, there's somebody there right now. So he goes out, there's a cop out front. He goes, somebody's in the house. So the cops go in, they call backup, they check the whole house. Nobody's there. There's nothing there. The guy saw somebody in the window. They go down the basement. They check. And all of a sudden, the cop leans on the washing machine, and it moves kind of weirdly. And he looks behind and he sees, like, a hole. He takes the washing machine out. There's a hole dug behind the washing machine in the wall. The cop crawls into the hole, looks to the right, and there's a guy in a dress sitting there with a hatchet. Apparently a guy who. One of the daughters. A kid? Is a kid. One of the teenage boy one of the daughters had rejected. He snuck into the house one day. He dug a hole in the wall. He was living in the walls of the house for, like, two weeks. They arrest this guy. He makes bail, gets out, winds up going to another house, murdering the wife, the woman, and drowning her two children. And now he's been in prison for the last, you know, 30 years. He's got 40. He's got three. Three 40 year sentences. And he's actually went up for parole in 2017. It's pretty interesting story, right?

[Christine]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a. It's true. It's a true story, right? What do you mean?

[Christine]

That's what the Navy SEAL tells you.

[Jacob]

Told you the story.

[Bobby Kelly]

I swear to God, look it up. It's true.

[Christine]

What the fuck does this have to do with being a Navy seal?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know. He's just a storyteller. I thought I'd try my shot at telling stories.

[Lou]

You just want to see if you could tell the story he told you as good as he told it.

[Christine]

It was a good story, but I held off.

[Jacob]

Great story.

[Christine]

I held off on pepper. I held off on peppering it with funny at One point my face when I covered my mouth, because I was like, oh, there's funny things I see here. But I think, Bobby, I think there's a punch coming to this, because he's telling me what the guy does, the storytelling.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was just giving my shot at storytelling, Bobby.

[Jacob]

I was riveted.

[Bobby Kelly]

Where are you?

[Jacob]

You're a very good storyteller, Christine.

[Lou]

Do you want to do the storytelling show?

[Christine]

You want to tell this guy's story?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Do you want to tell this story?

[Christine]

It has nothing to do with his story.

[Bobby Kelly]

Listen, stories aren't always funny sometimes, but.

[Christine]

It'S not even about him. He just told you, like, a spooky story.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he told a good story, and I thought I'd take my shot.

[Christine]

I thought he was telling. I swear to you, I thought he was telling a Navy SEAL story. So I thought that's why I asked where it takes place.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I told you.

[Christine]

I thought he was talking about, like, in Fallujah. This family, they hear this tapping. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tapping. They think it's the mom contacting them. What? They don't realize it's me and my battalion coming in to rape their father in front of them and kill them, because that's what the. That's what we were told to do, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, there it is.

[Christine]

That's what uncle said. That's the music background we needed for this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Daniel LaPlante. Yeah. This guy was living in their house in the wall for weeks. In the wall, and he was going to murder them with an ax. And they just by. By luck, got found this. The cops found the hole where he was, and they searched the house. Every time they searched the house, he was just crawled back into his hole.

[Christine]

Here's what I want to see. Is this girl hot enough to go through all this hubbub?

[Jacob]

Definitely. That's my question.

[Christine]

Yeah, right. Like, how hot is this? God forbid she's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at the guy, though.

[Christine]

Look, if she's chubby, she's gonna have an unstoppable ego for the rest of her.

[Bobby Kelly]

That guy was living in their wall.

[Christine]

Oh, this guy's got early Dane cook cheeks.

[Jacob]

He looks like a guy who lives in a person's walls.

[Christine]

Oh, my God.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my God. And here's the funny.

[Christine]

They still call him something. It's like he pulls his clown mask off with a hatchet in his hand, and she still goes ugly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Josh, the answer is still no.

[Christine]

Yeah, yeah. Put the mask back on. Oh, God, your face is so upsetting. Now I'm scared and grossed Out.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I've been watching. It's been. It's, It's. It's. It's kind of queer, like, to do it, like. But I've been watching him tell stories all weekend, like, on YouTube. I've been watching his storytelling.

[Christine]

He's telling stories of, like. Are they stories of his time at all? He just tells you local stories.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's stories. He's a storyteller. I'm gonna have a story every week now.

[Christine]

So you don't have. So you're not doing books on tape. You're doing Guy on Tape.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm doing.

[Christine]

You're hanging out with a guy on tape.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, well, on YouTube, but yes.

[Lou]

Okay.

[Christine]

Right.

[Lou]

He doesn't work at the mothership.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, he's on YouTube. Okay, but I'm just saying that it's. It's.

[Christine]

We're so far from the mothership conversation. I mentioned that Navy SEALS work the door. And then Bobby told me a story that a Navy SEAL told him on. On Sean ryan on a YouTube channel.

[Bobby Kelly]

Another Navy SEAL show.

[Christine]

And he sits there and he tells stories, and Bobby wants to hear his stories because he didn't have a dad to tell him stories.

[Lou]

I feel like being told man stories.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't have any. I didn't have any stories.

[Lou]

It's ghost stories.

[Christine]

And you know, now when you meet people who don't know, you can tell them. That's the story that your dad said told you. Because my dad told me a story once about this guy who hid in the walls and he said that things were crazy because the girl. He wants a girl, but he had dinkled cheeks.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're not a good storyteller.

[Lou]

Also, storytelling, like the retelling of a news article. I thought storytelling was more like.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Lou]

Writing a story or telling a story about yourself.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, if you look at the.

[Jacob]

Way to telling a story.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you look the way I told the story. I did engage everyone.

[Christine]

No, I. For sure, buddy. You did. Absolutely. You told a good story.

[Bobby Kelly]

But so should I do it?

[Christine]

Wait, what? You just got telling stories. You're going to look up a story and then tell the story earnestly, but.

[Bobby Kelly]

You didn't know that story. And now you know that story of. What's his name? Daniel laplant.

[Christine]

Yeah, but we could have worked with the information, dude, you could have been like, I heard this story. Look this guy up, and we could have laughed at his cheeks. A half hour ago, we could have laughed at his cheeks and then put that in the story. And then. Then we could have gotten that Clown mask joke in a little bit earlier. But you told a compelling story. No doubt, but we couldn't pepper it on this show. Bobby, what is npr? We're not doing an NPR show.

[Lou]

You were running your new YouTube series, Bias on the Pond.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was just testing out my storytelling abilities.

[Jacob]

No, but did you tell it your way or did you literally copy? Well, the Navy SEALs can I way of saying. Are you just regurgitating his words?

[Christine]

Bring it up. The guy telling the story.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, let's just stop.

[Lou]

Do you memorize the way he told the story?

[Bobby Kelly]

I just want to say this song.

[Lou]

I learned it like a monologue.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hang on one second. I just want to say this.

[Jacob]

I think.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I'm saying that every storyteller has his own little twist or own personal thing on it. Now, I added. I made it a lot quicker. I Usually when I would tell a story, if I was going to start telling stories, I would add a little more detail. But I wanted to. I was afraid of engaging you guys. It was extremely detailed.

[Jacob]

I want to hear this because I. I feel like you. You tried to tell like that SEAL Team Six guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, look at. He probably did the same thing when he heard it.

[Jacob]

Probably.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. No, he made up.

[Jacob]

He researched and made the story a story. You. You mimicked his story.

[Bobby Kelly]

You call me a story mimicker if that's what you have to do. But I was.

[Jacob]

I loved it. I just want to know if it's authentic.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think it's authentic. I think I'm. I added my own. I think I added my own twist to it.

[Christine]

Goddamn dirty mimicker.

[Jacob]

But this, Daniel, it was on.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was on Sean Ryan show Storyteller. It's the scariest story ever told. Not that it is the scariest story ever told. That's the title of it.

[Christine]

No, I believe you. I. I don't want you to do this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, listen, yeah, let's.

[Lou]

I want to back out of this.

[Christine]

Wait a minute. Wait.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wait a minute.

[Christine]

I don't want you to, like, start.

[Bobby Kelly]

If I start touring the country telling stories.

[Christine]

Sit down.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stories, is it.

[Christine]

No punch.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's. That's the Ouija board. The Ouija board story. That's it down there. Right there.

[Lou]

That's the most horrific account.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is his. Yeah, this is it right here. So, yeah.

[Christine]

This guy thinks the story is the encounter with the Ouija board is the crazy part.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, it's. You need a title. When you tell a story, you need a title.

[Christine]

I wouldn't call it A Horrific encounter with a Ouija Board. I'D call it clown in the walls.

[Bobby Kelly]

But then they would think it was you.

[Christine]

I'd read that, though. I'd watch that story. All right, so far, Bobby said this is totally real.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would like to call myself. I would say I lack a lot of the details. I am a speed storyteller.

[Christine]

You want to look like that guy? Yeah, that's what's happening. You're watching this for gay reasons. And you're also getting. You're getting captivated by his stories.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's a good looking guy, but you.

[Christine]

Are into this for exclusively gay reasons.

[Jacob]

It's a dude. Bobby loves the room that they're telling it in. That's like a cigar bar.

[Lou]

And he has graphics.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God, yeah.

[Christine]

And sometimes they are outside by a fire.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, that's the. He did a storytelling night with him out by the fire. Those are the other stories.

[Christine]

Oh, the big night.

[Bobby Kelly]

What if I became. I just became. I just moved to New Hampshire and became the local storyteller. And people hired me to come into, like, campsites to tell my story.

[Christine]

Tell your stories.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tell my stories.

[Christine]

Tell your sexy, sexy stories.

[Lou]

It's just like what you do for fun with your family and stuff, like at bonfires.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're my family and I told my story. You're right. I felt safe here to tell my version. Can I add my version?

[Lou]

You're gonna make a career out of storytelling around fires.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't know that.

[Lou]

People are gonna hire you for parties.

[Bobby Kelly]

This gu makes a living telling stories.

[Jacob]

Well, I want to hear if you made it your own.

[Bobby Kelly]

I made it my own.

[Jacob]

Well, how long is his story?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a lot.

[Lou]

602.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he has. He has a lot of details that I forgot.

[Christine]

Well, he's just telling the story of this guy's stupid work schedule. Why his dumb daughters were able to around the Ouija board let a teenager live in the wall.

[Jacob]

I'm trying to find a picture of the daughter.

[Christine]

Yeah, maybe. Maybe that's one of the details. This guy left and he goes. Now he had two daughters. Smoke shows. Fat titties, thin waists, Nice asses. Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I should have added a little more edge to it, maybe. My storytelling is. I add the edge to it and I add a little.

[Christine]

Don't be classless. You're telling somebody else's horrific story of. Of almost a murder in the family. You can't put edge into it. Not on. Not. Not on the form that you're trying to lay out there. You're trying to get an earnest storytelling show, by the way. Not Stories of your life or your past. You're going to find out news stories and tell them long. Yeah, you're going to be Dateline NBC without reenactments or interviews with actual people involved.

[Lou]

But you're not going to research them. You're just going to find somebody that's already talked about it and then copy.

[Bobby Kelly]

What they're doing and then basically give my version of that.

[Christine]

There's no such thing as that because I think there's only one version of a true story.

[Bobby Kelly]

Here's the thing, though. With that, I add the element of tendons. I have to fill in the tendons that I don't.

[Christine]

The daughters had fat asses and titties.

[Lou]

Right.

[Bobby Kelly]

I fill in that. Right.

[Christine]

Don't say that, though. That's classless.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I won't say.

[Christine]

I mean, it's okay here to do that, because this is a classless comedy show.

[Bobby Kelly]

I could just say, you can't take.

[Christine]

Us into the New York Cafe. He'll have your ass.

[Bobby Kelly]

So storytelling's out.

[Christine]

Yeah. Yeah. No.

[Lou]

Is this who you wanted? This is the world you want to dance in, Bobby?

[Bobby Kelly]

What is this?

[Lou]

The moth? You don't know about the moth?

[Bobby Kelly]

I did. Isn't that where.

[Christine]

To be fair. Can you play somebody telling a moth story? Just play anybody telling a moth story.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'd love to do the moth.

[Christine]

I turned down the moth.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Jacob]

Well, I don't know what that is.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's what Mike DeStefano.

[Christine]

Mm.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's where he did his thing where he became where people kind of. He popped off because of the moth. Because he told everybody he had aids, right?

[Christine]

No, he has hiv.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, he had hiv.

[Christine]

He gives you aids.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

That's why they were studying him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not anymore.

[Christine]

Oh, go ahead, turn this up. It wasn't funny to the audience.

[Bobby Kelly]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. And, you know, I've been thinking about this. My. My cousin, my distant cousin, who I grew up with and I loved for a long time, sent me a birthday present, and I never called him back. And it's weighing on me. I'm going to reach out. I'm going to call him. I'm going to talk to him. Just say hi. Thanks. But you know what? The longer you wait, the more difficult it gets. And it just takes a little courage to make that call, just to say hi, someone you haven't seen in a while. Reaching out for therapy can feel difficult, too. It's very similar to that, but it can be worth it. It can leave people wondering, why didn't I do this sooner, why haven't I taken my mental health a little more serious? Because it seems daunting. But it's not. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms. BetterHelp therapists are fully licensed in the U.S. betterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals this month. Don't wait. Reach out Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself, BetterHelp can make it easier to take that first step. Our listeners get 10% off their first [e-mail] Bonfire that's better. H E L P.com Bonfire hey everybody.

[Christine]

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[Bobby Kelly]

O o.com cold mornings holiday plans. This is when you just want your wardrobe to be simple. Stuff that looks sharp, feels good and things you actually wear. That's where qu comes in. And the bonus quince pieces make great gifts too. This season's lineup is simple but smart. Easy with quints. $50 Mongolian cashmere. That's it. Mongolian. That's the one. I got $50 Mongolian cashmere sweaters that feels like an everyday luxury. And wool coats that are equal parts stylish and durable. I never understood. I have sweaters. I have a bunch of sweaters. I went to Quint's. What a difference. It's so inexpensive. Such good quality. And when you put that on, oh, my God, I can't wait for Christmas. My mom's gonna be mad because I'm not wearing her crappy sweater. Give and get. Timeless holiday staples that last this season with quince. Go to quince.combonfire for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c e.com bonfire free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com bonfire now I would do something. I would do more of a Matt Rife.

[Christine]

Yeah. This lady. That lady's outfit's outfit smells like pet.

[Bobby Kelly]

How about I would do a little mat rife with the headphone on my side of my mouth like a theater headphone. I wouldn't use a microphone.

[Christine]

You're fucking be a Titus. You're going to Titus it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would probably sit down.

[Christine]

Oh, so you can ham with your hands.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

What is I don't want you to do.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, I'm a. You know, I like hands.

[Christine]

Don't ham with your hands. I know it's going to be. But that's different.

[Bobby Kelly]

I should have used my hands when I talked to you guys when I was telling the story. I should have done the Ouija board.

[Christine]

I like new. Wait, new. Bobby can't take the microphone out of the mic stand now. When you do comedy because your hands got to be active.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have to leave it in.

[Christine]

You have to leave it in the stand.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll just get the headset.

[Christine]

Bobby, I'm not ready for the headset.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Christine]

I'm not ready for you to start wearing a headset, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Christine]

Listen, I've never enjoyed it with anybody who does it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I'll use Christine's AOC hand. It's pompous well, there's nothing wrong with being pompous. It's a different. Listen, there's my stand up that I'll. I do. This is my story, my storytelling career.

[Lou]

No, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

Where I come on.

[Christine]

Excuse. Bobby wants to find an excuse to smoke a cigar on a. On a show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that's a good idea. I come out. I. This is what I come out and show.

[Christine]

Apparently there's kids hanging in the walls.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't. I don't talk. I come out, I slowly sit down. I cut the cigar. I slowly light it. Perfection. I take. And then I look at it and I go. This story starts in a small town in Massachusetts. This is a true story. A true story, right. About a family who lost their mother.

[Christine]

But you have zero graphics. You have zero case file footage. I watch. These are the things I watch. Bobby, if you were like, hey, would you rather not watch? Explore with us.comiwu Break down a crime with interrogation footage, body cam footage, follow ups, courtrooms, drama, interviews with some people. Because I just want to hear. You're nodding yes, but I don't think you hear what I'm saying.

[Bobby Kelly]

I am.

[Christine]

You think instead of that, I'm gonna. I'd rather watch you slowly tell it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm going to paint the picture with words.

[Christine]

Why the pictures available?

[Bobby Kelly]

They didn't have the pictures through most of human existence. They had to use the stories told us.

[Christine]

Happened in 2021, 2000.

[Bobby Kelly]

2000 is in the 70s.

[Christine]

The picture of the fucking freckle face kid. The faced up, cleat, kicked face kid.

[Bobby Kelly]

Smelly Larry. Yeah, Smelly, Smelly Dan.

[Christine]

Stinky Dan. Oh, my God. Is it Shit Pants Dan? The kid who shit his pants. Don't call me that. He's still holding a hatchet. Shut up. Don't call me that. Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm about to get murdered by Pants Dan. God damn it. The kid who shit his pants in science class. And Jim. What? I had a stomach issue. Oh, my God. You're not gonna rape me, Army. Just kill me. You're not gonna rape me, are you? You're not gonna try to kiss me. Just cut my head off, please. God. You're.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, the guy that he.

[Christine]

That's how you add to a story. We could have done that 20 minutes ago, Bobby, but I. I was letting you practice your cowboy talk.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. This is. This is what they used to do.

[Christine]

I guess, when you start telling, your story goes, oh, howdy, y'. All. I thought maybe you want to sit here while I Smoke an outlaw Josie Wales cigar.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a good idea. I have a hat.

[Christine]

A biter.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have a hat.

[Christine]

Yeah. Flat brim.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I have, like, a peaky blinder hat. That's a little more. Have it down.

[Christine]

I was gonna make fun. Christine just got a flat brim hat. And I was gonna make a joke, but I don't want to shut her down because it does. It looks nice on her. And she's. It's. She feels like she's gonna be very bold to wear. But it's a nice hat.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is something.

[Christine]

But it is a hilarious flat brim hat.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it one of those California tech, like, cowboy hats, like the. The. All the chicks in California where it's like a cowboy hat, but it's got all kinds of little things around it?

[Christine]

No, no. Doodads.

[Lou]

It's felt.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's felt. Yeah. Hats you'd have. I have a couple felt hats. You have to have confidence to wear that out.

[Christine]

I don't.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have hats. When I go up to New Hampshire, I wear a lot of different hats. I have a. A bunch of other.

[Christine]

Father, closet, homosexual.

[Bobby Kelly]

I like a hat, but I only wear it up in New Hampshire. I wear my hats. I have my. I have like a. Almost like a.

[Christine]

You got a bowler hat.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have cowboy hat.

[Christine]

You have one of those bowlers where you go like that when they're showing.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I don't have that hat. I have the. I have the. I have like a hay. Like a straw hat. I have a bunch of different hats.

[Christine]

You wear a cowboy hat sometimes up there.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't know.

[Christine]

When you're in New Hampshire, sometimes you don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bobby Kelly.

[Christine]

Yeah, Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Christine]

When you're up in New Hampshire.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Christine]

You throw in a cowboy. Have to go outside and do a little work.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sometimes I go in the backyard and I'll throw my hat on.

[Christine]

Do you wear leather gloves to move something?

[Bobby Kelly]

I do have leather gloves.

[Christine]

And you roll up the sleeves of your flannel shirt.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do roll up my sleeves.

[Christine]

You think dawn is just blasting clam looking at you through that tiny house window outside while you're hauling things from one thing to another place.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dawn hates all my hats.

[Christine]

All your hats.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hates my hats.

[Christine]

Well, everyone would feel like. Not you. Except baseball hats I've seen you wear forever. And then also I thought at one point I would have said you and also Rich Voss were synonymous with the cat. The backwards kango.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I had a leather kango backwards I wore all the time.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

But then I. It. But it smelled so bad.

[Christine]

Yeah, yeah. Because it was also pretty pretentious, I guess.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, it was disgusting.

[Christine]

Leather hat. Like your MC search.

[Bobby Kelly]

I remember. I remember one night I got off stage and I went outside and it was cold and it was just salt, like white salt. And some girl was like, you have something on your hat. And I was like, I stopped wearing it. I stopped wearing the leather Scally cap backwards. But I do. One of my favorite hat companies is Boston Scally. And I wear scally caps all the time.

[Christine]

Is that you know, like the Peaky Blinder hat?

[Bobby Kelly]

You ever see Peaky Blind? Those Scally caps. I love those.

[Christine]

But that's like the shape of a Kango hat.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a little. It's a little more from the Ireland. It's a little less hip hop. It's. Yeah, that. I just got that hat right there. That exact hat.

[Christine]

Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm wearing that this weekend.

[Christine]

Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I love it.

[Jacob]

Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a great hat, buddy. That's a great hat. Oh, I can't see that hat.

[Christine]

That's what Christine has.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Christine]

That's what Christine has.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have a DOC Holiday hat.

[Lou]

I saw it. So here I went to.

[Bobby Kelly]

What are you playing poker on weekends?

[Lou]

It's crazy. I went into Louisville. Vuitton.

[Christine]

Hey, we're not done smashing the Outlaw Christine Wales.

[Lou]

I'll probably never wear it. Especially around you people.

[Christine]

See, there you go. Now you're bummed out about it. That's why I didn't want to do this.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know what?

[Christine]

You should wear your hat.

[Bobby Kelly]

You should listen to me. Listen to me. Christine, look at me. Wear your hat, but you gotta own it.

[Christine]

That's what it is.

[Lou]

No, you have to wear it with confidence. But I saw it. It was at Louis Vuitton on a mannequin. Yeah, and it wasn't even for sale. And when I was down New Orleans at one of the little hat shops, I just found, like, the same style. And I so excited. And I really love it. I hope I do. I hope I am bold enough to wear it because I think it's super cute. I'm in my 40s now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, you are. We know. We're looking right at your roots.

[Lou]

I feel like I could wear bold.

[Christine]

Hats now that I'm in my 40s. We're staring right at your roots.

[Lou]

You're getting dyed before the festival.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, relax. We're just saying that. We know you're in your 40s. We're all fucking great in this room. I. I'll wear a hat in the festival if you wear a hat, I'll go hat shopping with you.

[Lou]

I can't wear a hat. The festival.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why not? Why not wear that hat?

[Christine]

Let me tell you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wear it. I swear to God.

[Christine]

You'll wear to the festival in my.

[Lou]

Leggings and tank top as I run around like a lunatic like, no.

[Christine]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

With my.

[Lou]

With my earpiece.

[Christine]

Like, yes.

[Lou]

Absolutely not. I also bought feather earrings. I do kind of want to wear those.

[Christine]

Are you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wear what you want?

[Christine]

Are you going to wear a tank top? Is it going to be. It's going to be cold there tonight, right?

[Lou]

Yeah, I'm having a. Oh, I just.

[Bobby Kelly]

Got a couple new jackets.

[Lou]

Probably a Skank Fest hoodie.

[Christine]

But I have a. Yeah, I have a jacket on the way. I don't know if it's jacket nights there. Is it?

[Lou]

Yeah, it could get down to like, 50s.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's. That's. I got three new jackets I'm bringing to Skank Fest. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, I got three new jackets. Oh, I got a suede brown. Tight. Tight. Fits tight. Yeah, a little tight.

[Christine]

How tight? Too tight.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know if I can. I don't know if it gets cold. I might not be able to button it.

[Christine]

Then don't bring it now.

[Bobby Kelly]

It looks good. I know, but it's right there.

[Christine]

I know, but I feel like you're. I feel like you're asking for people to go at it a little bit.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's all right. It's okay. I'm at the age where it's like. I'm like, fuck it. I want to wear what I want to wear. I got made fun of last night. I went into the cellar after we went for a dinner, and then I went to the cellar and Schultz, the little Cuban guy. What's his name? Marcelino. Marcelino.

[Christine]

And Marcelo.

[Bobby Kelly]

Marcelo. Marcelo.

[Christine]

Shitt.

[Bobby Kelly]

And what's the. Ricky Velez.

[Christine]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I walked in and I. I.

[Christine]

Went very fashionable Ricky Velez.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, almost too, too fashionable.

[Christine]

Saw him last night to stand. He was wearing a big, like a. An orange, like, floppy hoodie. And. And now Baggy, real baggy jeans. And that's the thing of Baggy's back. And he was rocking it perfectly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I walked in last night, went right after Schultz. I was like, listen, you, you know, talk about seller comics like that, whatever. I was just around with them, and they all started. They all just stepped back and started ripping apart my outfit. And I was like. But they were real. They. They. It's almost like they were waiting for this moment for like, one of the other lions to be alone. And the younger lions were like, he's alone. Yeah. I was like, where's Keith? I was like, where's Keith? I need Keith. They were like, yo, man, what's up with your bag? And they started tracking. They goes, are those purple pants? I was like. And I'm looking at Ricky Villa as he's pretty much wearing a blouse. And I just backed out. I slowly just backed out. I was like, all right, fuckers. Live fight another day.

[Christine]

Ricky dresses like a dandy vampire.

[Bobby Kelly]

Then I walked out. And what's his name? Marcelo. Marcelo. He was outside trying to trash me by himself. I go, you're not alone, Smasher. You need a group. Yeah, stop staring at me.

[Christine]

Trying to just go at you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I go, you don't got it. And he's like, yeah, you're right. I got nothing. You Purcell. I go, you don't gut it. You need a group, dude. You need a gang with you. You're not an alone dude.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Nah, nah. Not like this.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, not like this.

[Christine]

It's not.

[Lou]

Walk away.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, look, dude, you dress in, and I'm ridiculous, sure, but it. It's work. I love it. I like. You pull your pant leg up for some reason.

[Christine]

Own it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You own it. And that's what I'm saying. Like, there's a certain point you just got to like. And I. You get recognized a lot because you have a style. Well, you know what I mean, Christine, I'm not done.

[Christine]

Sorry.

[Bobby Kelly]

The thing is. No, I'm kidding.

[Commercial Announcer]

I do want to say.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to jump in.

[Christine]

There's a little bit of a third mic energy she's coming in there with.

[Bobby Kelly]

I kind of like it. I like third mike, Christine.

[Christine]

I don't.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can't. You're not supposed to.

[Lou]

I just got excited to say Jay kept his style also all through the trends. He never gave in to, like, skinny jeans. And I think so many men gave in to skinny jeans that shouldn't have.

[Christine]

I was fat.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lou]

A lot of guys. A lot of other guys were hard.

[Bobby Kelly]

To buy skinny jeans.

[Lou]

They wore skinny jeans.

[Christine]

I'll tell you what, she's actually not wrong. There's plenty of fat guys trying to do skinny jeans. But to me, yeah, it was always like, oh, I found. I found comfort in the mid to late 90s.

[Bobby Kelly]

That wasn't me. That was Christine.

[Christine]

I know.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just want to let the fans know.

[Christine]

Microphone. She drank into the microphone.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. I. Lou, you had to back me up on this because a lot of fans say I'm the one drinking, and I'm the one. Anytime I drink, I hit my mic off. You do do that a lot. And so if you do hear, it's Christine.

[Jacob]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm just saying it too.

[Christine]

It was a big old gulp too.

[Bobby Kelly]

You gotta defend Christine. She's never close enough to that microphone. She just happens to be close to it. You don't have to do. You can just shut your face, which.

[Christine]

Makes you feel good because you're going back skating fest this year. You want to know you're a good boy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Relax, relax.

[Christine]

Hey, Christine's working really hard. She does her best.

[Bobby Kelly]

You guys are right.

[Christine]

Shut the up. Thank you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank you. Now you're back on the team.

[Christine]

Yeah. Trying to convince her to wear this hat so we can call her the girl from doctor Sleep.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine, I'm gonna wear my. I'll wear my scally cap out there if you wear your hat. Let's wear hats.

[Christine]

Bobby. Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm wearing it. I don't care. Bobby, you have your leg pulled up on one side. How are you doing?

[Christine]

I know, but I've always.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have Halloween fingernail polish.

[Christine]

That is new.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

All right, all right. Wear your hat. Sorry.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude, out of all my friends that would say you would be the one that I would think would be like, hey, wear whatever you want, man.

[Christine]

I just don't know what this hat goes with. Unless you're gonna dress full.

[Bobby Kelly]

Peaky Blinders leather jacket, leather Jet soft leather jacket, biker leather. But, you know, no, no weird stuff. Black T shirt, black pants, black Nikes. It's gonna look great. I'll wear it tomorrow. I'm aware. Tomorrow. Yeah, I'll wear it tomorrow.

[Christine]

I. I like. I really. I'm a big fan of Bobby Kelly Kango hat.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, dude, I love those hats. Those Scally. Boston Scally. I love Scally caps.

[Christine]

DJ Lou will sometimes alternate and whip out the old Kango hat.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wear golf caps because you guys said that I needed to change my look during the pandemic because I wore a mets hat for 10 years straight. So that's why I wear. It's so funny that a group of comics can make somebody not wear something for the rest of their lives.

[Christine]

Bobby. No, that kind right there is okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have a lot of those.

[Christine]

Right. But that's also called a Scally cat.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's a Scally cat. But the one that I just got is the Peaky Blinder one.

[Christine]

That's insane looking.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's. Look how cool.

[Jacob]

It looks good.

[Bobby Kelly]

It looks great.

[Christine]

Yeah, you can look great. Why don't you wear roller skates with it also?

[Bobby Kelly]

I love roller skates.

[Christine]

Coming like the 70s.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love. I love rollerblades.

[Christine]

Yeah, that's some short shorts and suspenders.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's actually. Look, see that, that one I don't like. See the one that's really sucks to your head. The scally cap that sucks to your head looks stupid. I'm not a fan of those.

[Christine]

The heads suck.

[Bobby Kelly]

The head sucks. Galley isn't. I'm not a fan. But the regular scally I like. You'd look good in a scally cap. Maybe I'll get you one.

[Jacob]

Maybe the hat I dream of wearing.

[Christine]

What? A scally cap?

[Jacob]

Oh, no, no. Is the 10 gallon hat like a guide hat? The guide hat.

[Christine]

A guide hat.

[Jacob]

Oh, it's like a smaller version of a cowboy hat.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know what it is. I have one. I have a guide hat that I have that.

[Lou]

Indiana Jones, right?

[Christine]

It's Indiana Jones.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I have an Indiana.

[Jacob]

I dream of wearing that.

[Christine]

Why don't you just say it? Indiana Jones hat.

[Jacob]

It's not. Because it's the technically. No, his is more of a fedora. A little more classy looking. This is more.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Rugged.

[Lou]

Yeah, it's the Jones.

[Jacob]

Well, okay, but that's who I am inside.

[Lou]

So why didn't you just say it?

[Jacob]

An explorer.

[Christine]

Because instead you're a story of Jacob.

[Jacob]

Because it's not. It's not Indiana Jones. It's. It's the name of the hat.

[Christine]

You're a story of a tot.

[Jacob]

Put it back side by side. You'll see, it's not exactly. Oh, it is the same. All right.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have one of those and I.

[Christine]

Wore that summer they call me Florida bat.

[Jacob]

That fits my head.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wore that. I wore that this summer. Out to dinner one night and dawn made me go back to take it off.

[Christine]

She goes, you're spending. You're doing the right thing. I know. Now, lately you've been back doing spots. Yeah, again, I don't do a lot of spots, but I. My podcasts are at comedy clubs in the city and I'll come in on weekends when I'm around and do some spots bounce around so I get my finger on the pulse like a little bit. No, but you're lost.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I'm not. I am. I am found.

[Christine]

No, you're not around. You're not hanging around on comics enough where you're making decisions that are outlandish. You can't go to dinner in an adventurer's hat. Well, not you.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a Guide hat. It's not an adventurer, but I did feel.

[Christine]

Guide to what?

[Jacob]

Guiding people to adventure? Yes, yes.

[Christine]

But what are you guiding them to? Their ultimate doom.

[Jacob]

But you're. The guide has done it before. So you're preventing them from danger. Like, it shows an elevation from danger elevation.

[Christine]

Like, you know, so you're taking the danger. You're taking the danger out of the adventure.

[Jacob]

He just.

[Bobby Kelly]

He doesn't get it.

[Jacob]

He doesn't get it because he's too cool for school.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he's too school. Yes.

[Jacob]

You are New Yorker.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're too cool for school. You're worried about. You're worried about what other comics will think of you.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have to worry about.

[Christine]

I'm the most made fun of person in comedy. I've showed up in my adult years. I've showed up from nose. No nose ring to nose rings, put color in my hair, cut my hair, wear knuckle gloves, fingernail polish, a zillion hilarious tattoos over the course of years. I'm fine with all of these things. I am. I know I'm gonna eat this shit. And you gotta pick what you're gonna eat shit for. These are complete. These are complete life shift hats.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're saying that fingerless mittens are worse than that hat?

[Christine]

You mean better? I'm saying that they're better.

[Bobby Kelly]

Better or worse, whatever way you want to do it.

[Christine]

I'm saying.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're saying as a man in the. In the summer wearing fingerless mittens over the age of 30.

[Christine]

I've done that. Over the age of 30. Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wearing fingerless mittens when it's not cold.

[Christine]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't need them.

[Christine]

Right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Going on stage, grabbing a microphone with a mitten with no fingers is worse. Better is better or worse or better.

[Lou]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Better than wearing that hat.

[Christine]

Yes.

[Jacob]

This is timeless.

[Bobby Kelly]

That hat is worse than the mittens.

[Christine]

Because I made the gloves decision in my early 30s.

[Bobby Kelly]

We know why you made it. You tried to mimic a band.

[Christine]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, you did.

[Christine]

No band told me to do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. A band told you to do it and you did it. But then you kept doing it.

[Christine]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

After the band.

[Christine]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

In the clubs.

[Christine]

Right.

[Bobby Kelly]

And you're saying that's better than that hat.

[Christine]

Yes. Because this.

[Bobby Kelly]

You might have a point.

[Christine]

This is. Let me tell you why. That was in my early 30s.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Christine]

And this is a pushing to mid-50s. You gentlemen, pushing the mid-50s. Complete personality shift in hat.

[Jacob]

I'm going to wear this for 20 years.

[Christine]

But you have. But the problem is you should have. And now we would Know you as this hat guy. Now you're making a. A complete decision to change everything. It would be crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have only a certain amount. I have 25 summers left. Jacob has 15.

[Jacob]

I'm an adventurer who lives in New York, so I can't adventure here.

[Bobby Kelly]

You could.

[Jacob]

It doesn't work here.

[Bobby Kelly]

It could be a good adventure.

[Christine]

If you're gonna do it, you also have to. You do have to. Look, listen. Tony Hinchcliffe moved to Texas, became a full blown cowboy Texan.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep.

[Christine]

So. And he was also in his early to mid-30s when he did this. So it's. He still has plenty of time, you know, I mean, to develop his life as this cowboy now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right.

[Christine]

You.

[Bobby Kelly]

But.

[Christine]

Or guys becoming adventurers. Well, in the year 50s.

[Bobby Kelly]

You need to stop. Because I wear mine.

[Christine]

Yeah. I'm sorry I'm lumping you in with Jacob. I apologize.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wear mine strictly in New Hampshire.

[Christine]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

During the summer or when I go up in the fall.

[Christine]

Right.

[Bobby Kelly]

And sometimes in the winter.

[Christine]

But the only person there thinks it's funny you're wearing it and hates it.

[Bobby Kelly]

The one that loves me the most. Yes.

[Christine]

The only one who. The only one whose opinion you do care about. You let her sit there and judge you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, she doesn't like the hats, but she does allow me to wear the hats. But I don't. I try not to wear them with her. Like when I go on a hike by myself or I go fly fishing or I go out with Max, I'll throw my hat. I'll throw my hat off.

[Christine]

You live in the shadows with your hats.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, no, I live out in the open with my hats. My hats.

[Christine]

The skank fest. You're gonna live out loud with your hats.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna wear my. My peaky blinder hat.

[Christine]

I was gonna do contact Wacky contacts every day at Skank Fest, but they don't give them to you anymore. Something's going on with the contact lens company.

[Bobby Kelly]

Really?

[Christine]

Christine said they won't send me contacts.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Christine]

I don't know. They need a prescription now or something.

[Lou]

Yeah, I. I ordered them. They said, they said it's like a two step thing where now they have to send something to an eye doctor even though they're not prescription. But the form. And I've emailed the girl three times to tell her the form's not working.

[Bobby Kelly]

If you go. If you go down tomorrow to Anthony Ayden and you pick out a pair of glasses that you love, sure, he will have them done before Skank Fest and you can wear a pair of glasses that I'm telling you right now.

[Christine]

This guy's. Understand what's going on?

[Bobby Kelly]

You want prescriptions?

[Jacob]

No.

[Christine]

These are his buddy.

[Jacob]

Come on.

[Lou]

Crazy contacts.

[Christine]

My fun contacts and stuff. Oh, my funsies. My red ones.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can we stop right now? We're getting for a hat, and he turns into a goth chick.

[Christine]

I'm living. I'm living out loud at Skank Fest.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want to live out loud at Skank Fest.

[Christine]

But you're not. You're living like an old Irish gentleman at Skank Fest.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's out loud to me. My out loud is different than your out loud. Why can't. Why does my out loud have to be your out loud?

[Christine]

If you had seven face piercings, I'd accept that for Skank Fest.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why? Why can't I live my older fantasy distinguished gentleman hat fantasy? My fantasy hat at Skang Fest.

[Christine]

You can.

[Lou]

Yeah.

[Christine]

And you be welcome to Bobby's Irish Cigar Lounge.

[Bobby Kelly]

Welcome.

[Christine]

No Black Saloud.

[Jacob]

And I'm not. There's becoming an extra 3. I'm not becoming an explorer. I am one who doesn't get to live like. I'm Indiana Jones who's always teaching in class. Doesn't get to go.

[Christine]

You've never explored anything.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's right.

[Jacob]

Because I work here.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not.

[Jacob]

I'm Indy. Who doesn't. Doesn't go on adventures now.

[Christine]

Oh, can we make Jacob. Why don't we get job at Jacob at Gate One Travel so he could be in this. He can do. You could escort people on river cruises. Dude, that would be awesome. Through Asia.

[Jacob]

I don't want to talk to people.

[Lou]

I don't understand how you haven't just bought this out.

[Jacob]

I want it.

[Lou]

Florida.

[Jacob]

I want it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but do what I do. What I do. Wear it in another state, away from.

[Christine]

People who will laugh at you.

[Jacob]

No, my nephews will humiliate me for wearing. I want to do it anyway.

[Christine]

Oh, you get on both hands.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Get the hat and wear it down in Florida. I wear mine in New Hampshire. Exclusively. I'm not allowed to wear my hats in Katona. I'm not. I'm not allowed to wear them around.

[Christine]

There's a thin line, Jacob. I just want you to know this. Between adventurer and Freddy fucking Krueger. It's also a Freddy Krueger.

[Bobby Kelly]

What does Freddy Krueger's hat look like?

[Jacob]

Crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Does it really?

[Jacob]

No, it's.

[Christine]

I mean, burned up a little more, but yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's got kid jizz and blood on it, but no.

[Christine]

You know what's funny? I just watched a thing on it recently. Strange Nightmare on Elm Street. Never quite said he was a child molester ever. He just killed them.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're not going to kill them without banging them.

[Christine]

That's what I say.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Was it even ever implied that he molested anybody? They just. I think he killed kids and then they killed him.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's the same hat.

[Christine]

Same hat, Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's the same. It just has kid blood on it.

[Christine]

It absolutely is.

[Jacob]

Okay, so then Indiana Jones is a jerk off too. Indiana Jones boy.

[Christine]

He's at least a child murderer.

[Jacob]

Like Freddy Krueger.

[Christine]

No, Freddy Krueger dressed like a child murderer. But now he's taking it. Now he's the thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he just. They just had the same style fashion.

[Christine]

It's the repurposing.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, how do you know Freddy wasn't an adventurer before he started murdering kids?

[Christine]

How cool was trench coat? How cool. How cool was a trench coat when the Barbarian brothers wore it or when Renegade would wear it? Until Columbine. But Columbine ruined the trench coat. Now it's only associated with shootings.

[Jacob]

The trench coat was. Has always been traumatizing to me because that's what.

[Christine]

Why were you beat up by comic book kids?

[Jacob]

No. What's his name? Chuck Zito.

[Bobby Kelly]

Always wore leather trench coat.

[Jacob]

His full leather, is it? No, that was a dust.

[Christine]

Duster.

[Jacob]

Full.

[Christine]

That's what I mean.

[Jacob]

Down to his feet. Duster.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

I mean, you have to move aside in the hallway because he wouldn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude. I met Chuck Zito at the Hard Rock and he caught. He literally saw the show and then called me over the. He goes, come here, come sit with me. And I was like, okay. And I'm just sitting with Chuck Zito. He was dressed in a.

[Christine]

He's a Hell's Angels guy, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

He's a Hell's angel guy. But he was dressed in a. It was a fluorescent pink sweatpants and fluorescent pink wife beater.

[Christine]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tucked in nice with all gold. And I was. I so bad wanted to go, what the are you wearing, dude? But I was like, it's nice. That's a nice. The pink makes your face.

[Christine]

I only met him once. I only met him once. I put my hand to shake his hand. He didn't shake my hand. So I slapped him in his face. And he just. We went about our days.

[Bobby Kelly]

He actually talked to me about that.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

He wanted to actually come on the show and kind of work that out.

[Christine]

I don't want to.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Christine]

Shake my hand the first time. Boy. Yo, Boy, shake my hand the first time. Chuck Zito boy.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, they might have your. Because that.

[Christine]

My handprints don't his fat face. Oh, he wishes.

[Bobby Kelly]

They have. They might have your little girly eyeglass ball things down in New Orleans. Because it is one of those spooky towns. They might just have those.

[Christine]

Yeah, but I don't have time to go find them there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine can do it.

[Christine]

Christine's running a festival.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

[Lou]

I would say I'm trying to get them delivered, but I think if you go to Abracadabra.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sorry, you have to go to Abracadabra to get your eyes.

[Lou]

You don't know about Abracadabra?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, because I'm not a Mary. Listen, sorry, Jay, do your thing. Live you. But you gotta go to Abracadabra. What the Is that? I'm wearing my hat.

[Lou]

I can't believe you've never been to Abracadabra.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why would I go to Abracadabra?

[Christine]

It's all sold out. I told you this already.

[Bobby Kelly]

That sucks.

[Christine]

I looked at Abracadabra.

[Bobby Kelly]

Which one were you gonna get? The.

[Lou]

Well, if you go there, you can see what they have in stock and pick from the option.

[Bobby Kelly]

What are the options?

[Christine]

The ones I want.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's the name?

[Christine]

One of the ones I want.

[Bobby Kelly]

We got blue. You got pink. You should get pink.

[Christine]

I get the Marilyn Manson ones. I get red ones and then blackout ones.

[Bobby Kelly]

You just get the same ones all the time.

[Christine]

Why don't you switch it up Getting this time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, why don't you get the pink ones? Those would look cool on you.

[Christine]

Well, I always do the Marilyn Manson eye, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's the coolest, right? I thought you were. Remember when I thought you were.

[Christine]

Yeah. You were wigged out.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was like, dude, are you high?

[Christine]

No. What did I say, though? I go. I mean, I smoke a little weed.

[Bobby Kelly]

I guess I thought you were.

[Christine]

Did your eyes change? I was like, my eyes were black and they're blue.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

And Bobby was like, something's different.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought he was doing meth.

[Christine]

I go, I don't know. I may take some bad. Why is there a meeting. Is there a meeting around here I can go to?

[Jacob]

I had to have conversations with him at Skankfest and not point out that he had the contacts. You just had to talk to him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

And it was. It was a thing.

[Christine]

Jarring.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's a little jarring. A little jarring.

[Christine]

It'll be fun.

[Jacob]

But can I just say one thing about the hat? I tried it on. And you don't choose the hat. The hat chooses you. I think you agree, Bobby. And when I put that hat on, it was like the. The final Infinity Stone went on the Infinity Gauntlet, like.

[Christine]

And you took it back off and put it down. Why?

[Jacob]

Because where am I going to wear it?

[Bobby Kelly]

Wear it here.

[Christine]

It doesn't matter if the hat is supposed to be the hat, you should have it for when the time's right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, wear the hat, dude.

[Jacob]

I'm waiting for the.

[Christine]

When you decide to do a full on complete style shift in your life.

[Lou]

We had my dad. I grew up in California. Everybody knows that. But I myself, everybody.

[Christine]

The kind of ego is that everybody knows.

[Lou]

I'm sorry, I meant everybody.

[Jacob]

I do know that.

[Christine]

Everybody here knows that.

[Lou]

Everybody here.

[Christine]

Hey, I started to waste your time, but everyone knows this about.

[Lou]

My dad had a. He had a straw hat and a felt hat, summer, spring and winter. And he wore them every day all the time. And nobody wore hats. But he just. It all seemed weird.

[Christine]

He was a problem alcoholic.

[Bobby Kelly]

All men used to wear hats. All men back in the.

[Christine]

And all men were problem alcoholics back then.

[Lou]

Of course, this is way past all men wore hats thing until like 1960.

[Jacob]

Everyone wore a hat. And I always just thought about if Jay had to live in the 50s, he would be forced to wear a hat because you. You weren't allowed to not wear gentleman wears a hat.

[Christine]

I still put a suit on every time I fly.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Really?

[Christine]

Yeah. Yeah. It's tough, dude, Having to wake up an extra hour to get myself suit ready, to get myself flight ready so I can show up in a suit.

[Bobby Kelly]

My grandfather wore a hat all the time. The old school hats. He wore a hat all the time. And when he passed away, everybody kind of clamored because he had eight kids. And everybody clamored to take his.

[Christine]

And then you found that's because he had a on his head underneath that hat always.

[Bobby Kelly]

He was bald.

[Christine]

Everybody found out at the funeral. Oh, my God. Did grandpa have a on his head the whole time?

[Bobby Kelly]

I. I said to my mom was like. She's like, do you want something? I was like, I would love one of his pipes if you have it. And I'd love one of his hats because I love those old school hats. And she goes, I have one of his hats. I'll give you the hat. So she gave me the hat and I used to wear it around the backyard, you know, smoking a cigar or doing yard work. I'd wear this hat and then come to find out my mom's such a bitch. It wasn't his hat. She went to a. Like, a church flea market, just got you a similar hat, Saw a hat that looked like my grandfather's, kept it, and then told me it was his hat. So for two summers, I was wearing some fucking other person's grandfather's old hat with sweat in it.

[Christine]

Deadhead.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, it sucked. She goes, it's the same thing. It has. No, it's not the same thing, you maniac, man.

[Christine]

Your mother doesn't love you at all.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, not at all. Not at all.

[Christine]

Great.

[Bobby Kelly]

She abandoned me when I was young.

[Jacob]

I think it was JFK was the first president that stopped wearing hats. And that kind of started the no wearing hat.

[Bobby Kelly]

I wouldn't wear a hat if I had that hair, too.

[Christine]

Yeah. They said he was like the Allen Iverson of president these.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Changed everything.

[Jacob]

No hats for this head.

[Bobby Kelly]

His hair was perfect.

[Christine]

Obama was first person that brought the corn robe to the White House.

[Bobby Kelly]

And a basketball hoop.

[Christine]

And a basketball hoop. Hell, yeah. For Duncan.

[Bobby Kelly]

Put a hoop in the backyard.

[Christine]

I appreciate that far more than a ballroom.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

I like Obama's ideas more than Trump's ideas.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. The ballroom's kind of cheesy.

[Christine]

Ballroom's ass, dude. You give me a nice half court, though, with a glass backboard. Yeah, all day long.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacuzzi. One of them hasn't put a Jacuzzi in. There's no pool.

[Christine]

Does every president get to, like, put their little doodad to it?

[Bobby Kelly]

They get to do. Every president gets to kind of do what they want.

[Christine]

I bet there's one of those golf screen rooms.

[Bobby Kelly]

For sure. Yeah, for sure. Well, Trump is paying for it. He's not using tax dollars to do the ballroom. He's using private funds.

[Christine]

Yeah, he's fine.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. But it's kind of. But that is like a basketball court. You can just rip up and put something else there when the next guy comes in. You're not gonna be able to rip.

[Christine]

Really shitty. To get rid of the one black thing the black president added to the White House. That'd be fucked up.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think he did.

[Christine]

Oh, my Christ. Did he really?

[Bobby Kelly]

I think what he.

[Christine]

Get rid of that goddamn basketball court. And no more of that jungle music on the Sonos.

[Bobby Kelly]

Put a pickleball court. Yeah. Did they? I think they.

[Christine]

Did they take down these pictures of naked black women with Afros?

[Bobby Kelly]

That'd be funny if. If they just. They had to keep everything a president put in. And it's just going around this. There's the ballroom.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's the fountain. And, oh, there's the hoops from when. When the black guy was here.

[Christine]

There's Lincoln's collection of black slave pornography. He felt guilty. That's why he freed them. He's like, yeah, we gotta get these bitches up north. Good stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sorry that you're not gonna get your eyes.

[Christine]

Yeah, well, don't feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for the people.

[Bobby Kelly]

What happened to your old eyes?

[Christine]

Didn't you dry up? They dry up. Oh, they dry bend. You can only use them for like a couple months.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, okay.

[Christine]

Anyway, so you have to get rid of them. I didn't even look at him again until kind of recently because it was coming up skank fest. I was like, oh, let me look at my. And they're like, just like all crumbled up and they die out. So I'm just gonna get new one. They're not expensive or anything. They just won't give them to you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why? I don't understand.

[Christine]

I don't know. I wish Christine remembered that Abracadabra was sold out of everything before she pointed out that I should go to Abracadabra and made Bobby laugh at me.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sorry.

[Christine]

She sets me up to fail.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not that. It's the word Abracadabra I find silly.

[Christine]

It is silly.

[Bobby Kelly]

When you put them in, do you go abracadabra?

[Christine]

No, it's the name of the place. It's the name of the place. What's DeRosa watching WWE with? Post Malone?

[Bobby Kelly]

He was. I. I was watching WWE the other day, and they. They threw Cody Rhodes got tossed onto the announcement table, which happens at, you know, big events. They always throw somebody on there, and they cut to Tony some and Post Malone and. And Derosa was there.

[Christine]

Was it in Austin?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, somewhere. I don't know if it was in Austin, but it was a big event, big Saturday night, pay per view type thing. And just watching Derosa's fake. Oh, my God. Like, everybody else was like, what? The Andros was like, whoa. He was. It's like when you. Your child's born and you know you're supposed to be excited, but you. He's like, whoa. It's. He. Oh, God. That type of watch. Ready? Look at Derosa. He's pretend. He. Look at Tony's. Oh, oh, he's clapping like. It's just.

[Christine]

Why is he there?

[Bobby Kelly]

Because he's fucking. He just goes, He's Austin Joe, baby.

[Christine]

Yeah, yeah. He's just going.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's Austin Joe, man.

[Christine]

Austin Joe is in the Scene.

[Bobby Kelly]

Austin.

[Christine]

Austin Joe's in Austin. Joe said he wouldn't do story wars this trip. Really? And then the same night he walked up to the club. I saw him walk into the club.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me tell you what Joe's specialty is.

[Christine]

I'm not famous enough for him anymore.

[Bobby Kelly]

He is a professional coattail jumper. He sees a fresh pair of coattails.

[Christine]

He's had some of the best.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude. I remember when he jumped on Amy's coattails for a minute and he started riding a bike and wearing a helmet. He grew a mustache. Oh, yeah.

[Christine]

Oh, you're right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, dude.

[Christine]

So he jumps on burr Burrs coattail.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's when he was, you know, a little contrarian. Argued a lot.

[Christine]

And then Amy. Then Amy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. And then.

[Christine]

And then Sal.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sal jumped on that. Started streaming about snacks. Now he's the Shane verse.

[Christine]

Now he's the Shane verse. And they're just the Austin, Austin Joe.

[Bobby Kelly]

Austin Joe. Austin, Austin Joe, man.

[Christine]

Damn. He used to care about us.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he still cares.

[Christine]

No, not anymore. No, he's Austin Joe.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's Austin Joe. He. He will literally.

[Christine]

Are you from Austin?

[Bobby Kelly]

He would get up, Bobby.

[Christine]

Are you from Austin?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not.

[Christine]

Then he. Austin Joe doesn't care about you anymore.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, he doesn't.

[Christine]

It's over. No, he's Austin Joe.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's Austin Joe.

[Christine]

He never defended this scene the way he defended that Austin scene. He goes to the.

[Bobby Kelly]

He turned on this scene.

[Christine]

He turned on it.

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[Bobby Kelly]

Woohoo.

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