The Fighter & The Smurf

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: The Fighter & The Smurf
Date: July 3, 2026
Host: SiriusXM

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Overview

This episode of The Bonfire is a quintessential blend of off-the-rails comedian banter and no-holds-barred humor, anchored by hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly. The core theme is a riotous debate about personal height, shifting seamlessly into conversations about male insecurity, dating, and fighting, all flavored by signature jabs, vulnerable admissions, and playful bets. Adding to the chaos is guest appearance by pro fighter Will "The Ghost" Gilmet, who shares insights about his upcoming bout. As always, the hosts’ irreverence and on-air chemistry keep the stakes high and the laughter flowing.

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Main Topics & Key Discussion Points

1. Height Debate: "The Smurf" Saga

(01:03 – 29:36)

• Bobby’s Height Dispute:
  Kelly is incensed over being labeled 5'7" by fellow staffers Jacob and Lou, insisting multiple recent doctor’s visits placed him at 5'8"+. The conversation devolves into a hysterical interrogation: Did Bobby “tiptoe”? Are Jacob and Lou “Lilliputians” from Gulliver’s Travels intent on gaslighting him?

  • Memorable quote:
    "How can I make peace with something that’s a lie? How can I make peace with someone—two little Lilliputians—lied to me to get me in their little cult?" — Robert Kelly (02:40)

• Joking about Height Measurement:
  The group theorizes their own shoddy measuring methods and liken Jacob and Lou to “Smurfs,” “Oompa Loompas,” and “lollipop kids,” extending jokes about carpets, tiptoes, and the relative credibility of medical professionals versus “little people” (03:53 – 06:41).

  • Jay’s wager:
    Jay proposes a thousand-dollar wager for an on-air measurement, with the added penalty that if Jacob loses, he must watch Jay masturbate to completion—a recurring, escalating bit throughout the episode (11:23, 12:15).

  • Measurement Ordeal:
    The group improvises a convoluted measuring process involving clipboards, tape measures, and debates over which surface counts as “true flat.”

    • "'If I lose this thing, you have to watch me masturbate to completion.'" — Big Jay (12:02)

    Ultimately, Bobby is declared “5'8" on the dot” (26:54), much to Jacob's mock dismay.

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2. The Height-Driven Dating Dilemma

(14:36 – 21:13)

• Female Preferences:
  The hosts joke that "every woman dreams of" men 5'8" or taller, referencing the social impact of height on dating pools (14:24).

• Jacob as Dating Outcast:
  Shorter men are said to be “locked out” of certain women’s leagues—specifically taller or heavier women such as Ashley Graham or Kate Upton (16:15, 19:55).

• Black Lou’s Counterpoint:
  Black Lou claims confidence regardless of height, jesting that "inside, he’s six feet."

  • "Hell no... Climbing that tree and go for it." — Black Lou on rejecting tall women (18:07)

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3. Special Guest: Will "The Ghost" Gilmet

(33:13 – 50:52)

• Fight Hype:
  Will discusses his upcoming hometown fight, strategizing on facing a bigger, power-punching opponent from Mississippi. The guys prod him for pre-fight routines and “psych-out” trash talk (34:00 – 37:35).

  • "If you win this fight, I will relieve Jacob from having to watch me masturbate to completion." — Big Jay (33:55)
  • Will, asked to insult his opponent: “He’s bigger than me and he’s as black as they come.” (36:01)

• Walkout Songs & Rituals:
  Will reveals he'll enter the ring dressed in Elvis “Trouble” attire—a move the hosts approve for its swagger and originality (38:13 – 38:51).

• Bet Escalation:
  The bet between Jay and Jacob doubles: if Will fails to win, Jacob must endure two “masturbation viewings” as penance (39:49).

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4. Local Food & Tangents: Chinese Food and Strip Clubs in Rhode Island

(40:44 – 48:53)

• After-Party Plans:
  Will’s post-fight party will be at The Thirsty Beaver ("should be a strip club," Jay insists). Cue repeated riffs on the phrase "thirsty beaver" and its sexual connotations (41:01 – 41:34).

• Best Chinese Food Debate:
  Discussion digresses to the supremacy of Rhode Island/Massachusetts style Chinese food and the legendary “scorpion bowls” of local restaurants, with Google review readings and further trash-talking (44:30 – 48:35).

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5. Closing Banter & Stand-Up Plugs

(52:18 – 52:46)

• Dates for Bobby’s Stand-Up:
  Dates in Austin, Portsmouth, Saratoga Springs, and Brooklyn are promoted.
  • See all dates at punchup.live and on Robert Kelly’s YouTube.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On the absurdity of the measuring process:
  "Did the doctor— the pediatrician tell you he has dick hair? Can you get him out of here, please?" — Big Jay (09:32)

• The ultimate pay-off for lost bets:
  "But if you lose… you have to watch me masturbate to completion." — Big Jay (12:02)

• Height as social currency:
  "Short people got no reason to live." — Robert Kelly (14:15; a recurring Randy Newman reference)

• On the ridicule faced by shorter men:
  "Little people with little problems, they make them into big problems." — Robert Kelly (24:16)

• Will on ring mindset:
  "I just gotta work my speed, my footwork, and I should be able to take him out later rounds after I tie him out to the body." — Will (36:49)

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Important Segments (Timestamps)

• The Great Height Debate Starts: 01:03
• First "Masturbation Bet" Introduced: 12:02
• Live In-Studio Height Measurement Begins: 21:36
• Measurement Declared: Bobby is 5'8": 26:54
• Discussion: Height & Women’s Preferences: 14:24 – 16:53
• Will "The Ghost" Gilmet Calls In: 33:13
• Will’s Fight Strategy & Banter: 34:00 – 37:04
• Afterparty and Chinese Food Tangents: 40:44 – 48:53
• Closing: Stand-Up Plugs & Goodbyes: 52:18 – 52:46

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Tone & Style

The episode is unapologetically bawdy, laced with inside jokes and relentless ball-busting, characteristic of seasoned stand-up comics. Banter ranges from the self-deprecating (Bobby’s height insecurities) to the absurd (high-stakes masturbation bets), with quick pivots into observational humor on relationships, local flavor, and the fight game.

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For New Listeners

If you’ve never listened, this episode encapsulates the heart of The Bonfire: comedic camaraderie, daring humor, and a willingness to turn trivial arguments into epic (and often NSFW) set pieces. The running height gag is a vehicle for broader themes about male insecurity, friendship rituals, and group dynamics, all punctuated by no-filter jokes and spontaneous left turns.

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Summary of Takeaways

• The Bonfire’s strength lies in turning mundane personal disputes into brilliantly irreverent comedy.
• Height, both literal and metaphorical, becomes a stand-in for male self-worth, social standing, and dating prospects.
• The escalation of trivial bets into wildly inappropriate penalties (e.g., watching Jay masturbate) is both a comedic device and an illustration of the show's anything-goes ethos.
• Special guests, like Will “The Ghost,” provide authentic insights and further opportunities for riff-heavy humor.
• The comedy is fast-moving, improvisational, and heavily steeped in the hosts’ long history together.

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You don’t need to hear every second to get the fun: friendship, roasting, and unfiltered guy-talk reign supreme. If you like your podcasts raw and your comedy unrestrained, this is an episode not to miss.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

to taxes and fees.

[A]

Extra plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. Me slow when network is busy.

[B]

See terms.

[C]

And now the bonfire with Big J

[A]

Okerson and Robert Kelly. Let's turn on Jacob.

[C]

I think it's time. You know what? The only thing that unites us ever is turning on Jacob.

[A]

The only thing that makes us really bond together. You little man.

[B]

That's why I'm here.

[C]

Christina's running a little bit behind today.

[A]

Five eight, by the way. Five eight and a quarter. You guys fucking lied about my height.

[C]

You're not.

[A]

Bobby, buddy. I got measured in the doctor's office today.

[C]

On your tiptoes?

[A]

No, with no shoes. No socks.

[C]

Just boots.

[A]

No, no boots. Listen, you can chime in as much as you want.

[B]

Pumps.

[A]

It's not. It's not. I was five eight and. And one seventh, whatever that is.

[C]

What?

[B]

There's no way.

[A]

Whatever. She said something else. I didn't catch it. I just got excited about five.

[C]

One seventh isn't anything.

[A]

Five eight.

[C]

But that's just five eight though.

[A]

You said I was five seven in this room.

[C]

I said nothing.

[A]

No, I'm not. I'm five eight. I got measured by a doctor, not you. Not a little. First of all, how could you see the top of the ruler when you

[B]

were measuring your shoes off? I did measure you.

[A]

Anyway, I took top of my shoe, all my shoes and my socks off. And I said I'm. They said I was. Last time I got measured, I was five seven something. He goes, no, you're Five, eight and a little.

[C]

Lou, would you mind turning up their microphones for this? I can't hear them. That down far down there.

[A]

Doesn't travel up.

[C]

What were you guys saying?

[B]

Now it's irrelevant.

[C]

Thank you. Now it's in my cans.

[A]

Whatever, dude. You know what? You're blessed.

[C]

Who you.

[A]

You're blessed with hype.

[C]

No, this was a turn on Jacob moment. I'll turn on Jay.

[D]

Right.

[A]

All right.

[D]

Jacob.

[B]

I'm trying to make him make peace with this. But he won't.

[C]

He's trying to hurt you.

[B]

He carries himself like he's on your. In part of your crew.

[A]

Jay. Jay. How can I make peace with something that's a lie? How can I make peace with someone? Two little Lilliputians lied to me to get me in their little cult. And I believe them. And they lied little people around Gulliver's Travel. Okay. Lilliputians. Right? Yeah, they were Lilliputians.

[C]

I always just call the reference Gulliver's Travels. I'd never knew their name.

[A]

No, that's great. Yeah. Last week When Bobby said McCarthyism twice,

[C]

did he know what it meant?

[A]

Yeah, I know he used it.

[D]

Great.

[A]

Dude, I've been on point.

[D]

You.

[A]

I've been killing it.

[C]

You did Gutfeld.

[A]

Dude, I didn't do Gutfeld. What the does that. That makes me dumber.

[C]

You did gut feel. You heard somebody else say something about McCarthyism.

[A]

I know what McCarthy isn't because I live through it. Yeah, dude. Lilliputians. That would. That's what they were called. The little people that tied.

[C]

I never read it. I just know the pictures of the little people that Gulliver care. And I've used the reference.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

In the. In this scenario. You think you're Gulliver. No, I'm not this giant.

[A]

I'm not gonna say I'm Gulliver, but I'm not. I'm not a Lilliputian. Yeah, but I'm his. I'm Jay's friend that misses him.

[C]

So should we take pictures of you guys all standing on my arms?

[A]

Here's what happens. I'm not part of that crew.

[C]

Do you guys want to tie me down and hold me so I don't. I don't pillage your town, buddy.

[A]

I'm.

[B]

First of all, Bobby, You're a medium sized Lilliputian.

[A]

Listen, buddy, I'm not a Lilliputian. You're an original. You're an OG fucking. You know what you are?

[B]

We are.

[A]

You know what you are? You lollipop Kin we. You should belong in a chocolate factory.

[B]

We belong in a chocolate factory. I've made peace with this.

[A]

Can I just ask you.

[C]

I'm worried if I stand up, I'm gonna kick over your mushroom houses.

[A]

Jay.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Seriously. They lied to me. They said I was five, seven, something.

[C]

They're working in cahoots because they both say this.

[A]

They both say it. And I got measured today by a professional on a professional measuring device at a doctor.

[C]

You think it's better than our on staff Ebony and Ivory?

[A]

Yes, I. Little people. Yes. Then having little people measure me. Yes.

[C]

A little tiny ebony and ivory.

[A]

Yeah. A little people that can't even see the top where it says seven. They can't even see it. They would have to take a picture and then look at it.

[C]

Damn, dude. I want Jacob the Beast. Stevie Wonder, though.

[B]

I just. You. It strains credibility. Bobby, you have a lack of credibility because.

[A]

Yeah, it's a doctor. We'll call him right now.

[B]

No, no. I don't even know if you went to the doctor because you swore up and down you didn't fart a couple of weeks ago. You made Jay believe it, you made me believe it, you made us feel guilty, and then you did it.

[C]

I don't believe in anymore now that you've proved it in here. With a ruler. With a tape measure.

[A]

It wasn't a tape measure and nobody was there. And also, how could they see everybody? How could. How could a 4 foot, 2 person see 7ft? How can they see that high? Jay, do the math.

[C]

You were 7 foot.

[A]

He said I was set. I was 5 7.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

How could he see 57 at 42 unless he was standing on a chair.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, like he does when he has to get his soup or his bowls out of his cabinet.

[B]

How.

[A]

How. How could he see that? Jay, if you came over and looked at it, maybe I'd buy it. I had him, little man, looking up on his tippy toes.

[C]

Did I come over and look?

[A]

No, you did.

[B]

You did.

[A]

No.

[B]

You came over and looked. Yes.

[A]

Did I confirm he's lying.

[B]

Yes, he's lying.

[C]

He's lying. I'm a pothead, so you can poth.

[A]

I can. I can use this again. You did not.

[C]

We did measure him in the fishbowl, right, guys?

[B]

Yeah, we did that on camera, I believe. Leave.

[A]

No, no. But here's the problem, is that you two were the judges. Nobody of everybody was.

[C]

Yeah, but they built a little structure to climb.

[A]

No, they did not build it. If they built. If they had a bamboo Structure. If they had something that I saw Jacob shimmy up to to Buddy, they

[C]

smurfed together a ladder, and then they smurfed up it, and then they smurfed you.

[A]

If. If he tipped over his little smurf pail and stood on it.

[D]

Uhhuh.

[A]

Buddy, I was.

[B]

Admire your confidence.

[A]

Not confidence, dude.

[B]

You carry yourself.

[C]

You smurf his confidence.

[A]

Let me just say something to you. I got measured by a professional today, and believe me, I was in shock because I actually told him. I was like, hey, I'm probably like five, seven, something, because I got measured. Blah, blah, blah. Somebody measured me. He goes, no, you're five eight in a little bit. Whatever.

[C]

He said, how tall was he?

[A]

And he was. He was my height, maybe a little taller.

[C]

So he could only see as tall as you are. So maybe you're taller than him by your theory. A person can only see as tall as they are.

[A]

You have to be measured. You can't be measured with a. I

[C]

can measure you because I tower.

[A]

You can measure me with. Actually, on a professional measuring device, a flat thing that goes up the top. They measure me, first of all, on a rug. I'm going down a little bit. I'm sinking a little bit. And the second of all, they can't see you at the top of my

[B]

head like you did the last time.

[C]

We should have tied balloons to them.

[A]

Okay, here's the thing.

[B]

I guarantee you, we should have got

[C]

them off the air, off the ground a little bit, maybe something.

[A]

Maybe put one on the other one to make a full one. Yeah, yeah, we could have done that. I would have believed that.

[C]

Have you guys thought about doing the trench coat midgets thing to measure? Bobby, you wear a lab coat, though, so you guys look like Dr.

[B]

I'm at peace with my. My heart.

[C]

Yeah, but you say. You're saying the doctor's lying to him.

[B]

No. First of all, if this doctor appointment actually happened, okay, so maybe I believe he actually. I believe he actually stood up a little on his heels like he did

[C]

in here again, by the way, doctors. I know this from weight things my whole life. They'll let you cheat.

[B]

They don't care.

[C]

They don't give a. Especially the people who are doing that part. Because also, the doctor doesn't measure you at the appointment. The nurse measures you. But yes, the weight thing. I would always. Sometimes just. They know you're lying yourself. I would like if I could touch a little something, like near me. If you. A finger would take off ten pounds, I would accept that.

[A]

Jay can I just say something to you?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I went in thinking I was what? They said I was 5, 7. 5, 7, 5, 7. And I'm like, in a little something. I went in and I literally said. I think I'm. Hang on one second.

[C]

Maybe that seventh maybe is what you hear. Seven.

[A]

Don, you're on the radio on the bonfire. Hi.

[D]

Hi.

[A]

What is that sexy voice?

[C]

You're the 15th caller, Don. You won tickets to see Coldplay.

[A]

Who did I win tickets to see Coldplay? Why are you talking sexy? What's going on? Do you have a radio?

[C]

She heard me, dude.

[A]

No, I was having a nap. I was having an after school nap.

[C]

You deserve it, girl.

[A]

All right, that's weird. All right, listen, dawn, did I go to the doctors today?

[C]

I bet she looks. I bet she looks adorable there. Just. Can you. Having a little afternoon nap.

[A]

Can you please call the doctor's office and find out my height, please?

[C]

A little trussle of her curly hair falls in her face.

[A]

We went to the doctor's office the other day. You are five, eight and a half. Thank you. Bye. Love you.

[D]

Bye.

[A]

Bye. Forgot about that, too. Took Max to the pediatricians the other day.

[C]

He's seven foot one.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

How many times are you getting yourself measured?

[A]

Well, I'm getting myself measured when I was.

[B]

So something's gone. Yeah.

[A]

Because I was lied to. I know I was lied to also.

[C]

Did the doctor, the pediatrician tell you he has dick hair? Can you get him out of here, please?

[A]

Dude, it's crazy.

[C]

Take him to a doctor.

[A]

Dude. Lied to by little people. I was lied to by little people.

[C]

Or your wife has your back. Hard.

[B]

You went to the doctor today and you went to a pediatrician yesterday.

[A]

I went to. I went to. Max had a good thing. He got measured. And she was like, you want me to measure you?

[B]

I go, yeah, why should she do that?

[C]

Here's the problem I'm having. If I'm having any problem with this at all, because I want to believe you're five' eight.

[A]

You know Dom would throw me under the bus in two seconds.

[C]

I do. But here's the thing. She may have also gotten the bad information. The argument here that I'm saying that I am aware from doing it myself for weight is you might have tiptoed a little bit. And she's. Because by the way, she's saying eight and a half. And you said like. You said the other number was like, you'd remember to half. That's a big deal. A whole other half an inch. He said a seventh or Something like that.

[A]

Said something.

[C]

I forget she's saying half. But he might have been inaccurate.

[A]

He might have said, you remember the half.

[C]

You'd remember the half.

[A]

Buddy, here's the thing.

[C]

The half would.

[A]

I'm not.

[C]

Who is just. Is just a little over six inches. Enough that I can't say. If it was six and a half, I'd start saying seven.

[A]

I'm going to say this. I'm going to say this. The most important part of this whole. Whole thing that we deduced is that

[C]

my penis is a little over six.

[A]

A very little.

[C]

Oh, very little.

[A]

Very little.

[C]

But that fat was holding a very little inside of me.

[A]

No, listen to me. Listen to me, kid. Listen to me. And I'm serious. The whole thing is, I'm not five seven. I'm five eight and something. And whatever it is, I'm not what these little dudes tried to suck me into their little cult and then tell the world that I'm this. And then had me go out there living a lie thinking that I shrunk a half an inch.

[C]

Can we solve this once and for all? Can we get a tape measure?

[A]

I refuse to have them do it.

[C]

I'll do it.

[A]

I refuse to have them do it.

[C]

I'll do it.

[A]

Okay, fine. But I want to be on a flat surface.

[C]

Let me tell. Absolutely, let me tell you. I'm going to bet $1,000 to Jacob Batat that you are 5 8.

[A]

Do it. Trust me. Look at me. I'm taking my glasses off now, Jacob,

[C]

I know you don't have a thousand dollars be winging around. I'm not saying that I do, but I think I'm going to win. But if you lose this thing, you have to like something you're uncomfortable with. Watch me masturbate to completion.

[A]

Are you in or not?

[B]

I really want.

[C]

But if you don't win the thousand, you could have. You could have not a thousand dollars and have to watch me masturbating. And I might take a while, buddy.

[A]

I'm telling you right now, Jay pays. You will get that. That this thousand. Dude, I made a bet with Jay. The thousand was in before the young blood. Cause it was over a thousand bucks in my Venmo account.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, he did the move.

[A]

He pays. Jay will pay for.

[C]

Bobby said he's a 58 I'm going to take. He's my partner. He wouldn't lie to me.

[B]

I don't even know if I can trust.

[C]

First of all, I'll finish masturbating.

[B]

I'll finish at Some point, you can measure all you want. He'll cheat like crazy. He'll make sure that he's a little elevated.

[C]

No, I'll put. We're gonna take his shoes off and I'm gonna put my hands on his shoulders.

[A]

But I am gonna. I'm going to stand up straight. I am not going to go on my tippy toes, but I am going to stand up as straight as possible and you will measure me. And you have to watch him masturbate completion. Wait a minute. Masturbate. Pause to completion.

[B]

I don't want to.

[C]

I don't want you to watch me.

[B]

I think you do, but you'll have to. That's the first thought that came to your head. I would say you do want me to watch you.

[C]

I'll take $1,000. I'll take 500 of that and get somebody else to watch me watch me masturbate.

[A]

Completion, you could actually take. You could get five people to watch you for a thousand dollars easy.

[C]

200 a piece. You guys have to watch me masturbate to completion. And if you talk sexy, I'll finish quick. Jacob, you are incentivized to talk sexy though, because then I'll finish quick and you get. You get to roll out. I'll tell you this also. If I come within three minutes, I'll give you the thousand.

[A]

Also, you should make him into a jerk off whore.

[C]

Where did Lou go to get a tape measure? Did he. Okay, yeah, man. They want you to be five seven, buddy.

[B]

He.

[A]

They lied to me and had me go out in the world thinking I. I shrunk and I'm. I almost accepted their stupid life that they leave.

[C]

It's like that old saying goes, short people. Short people.

[A]

Yeah, fucking whatever. Short people got no reason to live.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, you don't. Height every woman dreams of now.

[A]

Yeah. Five, eight.

[C]

Every time I walk into the studio and see if Jacob's frown, it makes me think that he's thinking, short people have no reason to live. Short people got no reason to live.

[A]

It really is a thing with women though. I've heard a lot of women over the years when they say what's important to you? And a lot of them say height. They like a tall guy.

[B]

Yeah. Lewis, I don't know why he didn't. I asked him to. To tell the story. He's over hearing his. His wife and her girl cousins came over and one of her cousins is telling this younger girl where not to go. Like, you don't want to go to this bar because it's the shorty bar. Like they know what bars to avoid.

[A]

That sucks. Yeah. Women are very external. They always say that, oh, we all. I want somebody who loves me. They don't.

[C]

I think. Here's the thing. I think as long as you're bigger than the girl, that's not the issue at all with them. Not too much. But I think what it is is when you're short though, you've pulled yourself out of. Not always, but you've just locked yourself out of like so many types of women. Do you know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like you're just not like a girl who's like whatever the version of like let's say the prettiest version of who's the girl got really big. Ashley Graham. Gorgeous chick. And in her hottest was hot but a thick girl. Boom. A thick chick for sure. But that girl, they look ridiculous together. She's like substantially larger than Jacob. You know what I mean? So it's like he doesn't. There's this would look ridiculous and so he doesn't even wrap his brain around this chick in any way. You just disregard her completely immediately.

[A]

I do like. I like a thick chick, man. I like a thick proportion.

[B]

I like short women anyway.

[A]

I do like that. She's very good. She's well proportioned, chubby.

[C]

You like short women anyway because you have to.

[A]

And the only ones you can protect.

[B]

Sure, but I'm not the only people you can protect.

[A]

It would suck Jacob with her and she'd have to carry Jacob away from the danger.

[B]

But this is not a thing like for. For men. I've never heard a guy say she's too short if she's hot. Hot is hot. But you're also gives a about height.

[C]

But you're short also and thin. So if a girl is like short and like even a little bit thicker, it might look weird.

[B]

That's true. Yeah.

[C]

Because she's like bigger than you. That's the. That's the curse. That's the problem of it.

[A]

Well, I think, you know, guys always get the. For being like where I think got for me personally. I like girls who like me. The outside stuff. I kind of get over it a lot. I've been with all types of women, but I think girls have. I've been with a big girl. Not a Samoan, but like that Greek fat.

[C]

Oh yeah. Samoan.

[A]

Yeah, pretty much.

[C]

If you're Greek and fat, that's Samoan.

[A]

Yeah. Without the flat nose and the tattoo and the flat back.

[C]

It's close.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I Like, I think girls are more. They have their little things that they want. You know, girls like, tall, in shape. You know, girls. Girls like outside. Money, money, fat dicks, power.

[B]

Louis, I told them about the short. The short person bar that women avoid. Yes.

[C]

You know of it. Black Lou.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

We were saying to Jacob, Jacob locks himself at being shorter. But do you feel like. Do you feel like you're locked out of the world of dating? At her hottest. I'm saying, an Ashley Graham type at her thing. Is it off the. Is it like. Jacob disregards it immediately. She's tall and she's bigger than him. So, like, that's off the table for Jacob. Is it off the table for you?

[D]

Hell no.

[C]

You don't. You don't go. I won't take a swipe at this. You don't go. I don't think that tall chick's hot. You still say she's hot. Climbing that tree and go for it.

[A]

Black Lou. Black Lou inside is six feet. Jacob inside is what?

[C]

He is two inches shorter than he is now.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Black Lou is.

[C]

He goes. Jacob inside is 5:1.

[A]

Black Lew is a big man. He don't. He don't give a fuck. His height doesn't even come into play.

[C]

But this chick.

[B]

I'm not into her. I'm not into her. Yeah. But on the most basic level, I have to be into her for some reason.

[C]

Not into her. I'm not saying you want to like that, you know, you're. But I'm saying just the fact you can acknowledge she's stunning.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Gorgeous chick.

[A]

It would just bother you that when she flew, she'd carry you in, like, a carrier.

[B]

She's a big girl.

[A]

And put you under the seat in front of her.

[C]

She's certainly a big girl. But I'm saying.

[B]

But like, what do you want me to tell you?

[A]

She could put a service vest on you.

[C]

She could probably get you to fly for free.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Which would be nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She's have to strap you in on takeoff and landing. Yeah.

[C]

She could wear you like a tampon and get you in the movies. You know, it's funny. Her face wasn't actually even as pretty as I kind of remembered. But like. But I don't think again. She's a big girl. But, like, that's not a bad body by any stretch.

[A]

I like her face. It's a little goofy.

[C]

No, it's pretty. She's very pretty. I'm just saying. I thought she was pretty.

[A]

She's got a little overbite, too.

[C]

What's the other one? Kate Upton. She another big one? Yeah, she's another big one, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Too much. Too much for my little Jacob.

[B]

I don't know about her. And she fluctuates. No, I could deal with her.

[C]

How tall is she?

[B]

She's tall. I think. I don't. I haven't had to deal with these problems.

[C]

No, no.

[B]

Hasn't come up.

[C]

All these gigantic women coming at you for. For cock.

[B]

It's not gonna work. That's right, Jake, babe, it's not gonna work.

[A]

Jacob's so into Japanese women because, you know, there's none of them taller than you. They're all little tiny things. She's 5 10. Yeah, that's 5'10. Too big for you? Not too big for me. Right there.

[C]

No, it's too much for you.

[A]

I've never had five, eight. Perfect.

[C]

No.

[A]

Yeah, perfect.

[C]

Oh, we have a tape measure.

[B]

No. 5' 10 woman.

[C]

It's here.

[B]

I've never had to turn down a 5, 10 supermodel.

[C]

No.

[B]

No.

[C]

Well, hang in there.

[B]

The world's worst. The world's running hang as a.

[A]

What's the tallest chick you've been with?

[C]

No. Bobby stalling. It means he's losing $1,000.

[A]

We'll go right now.

[C]

I asked you a question. I'm sorry. No, I didn't want to change.

[A]

I'm going take my glasses off again. I'm five' eight and something.

[C]

I bet on you.

[A]

I know. I just don't want you. I don't want you to doubt me.

[C]

Okay. Jacob's question. I like when he's on the ropes like this.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, they're little ropes.

[C]

Your little tiny ropes.

[A]

Your little rope. What's up? What's up? What was the tall girl question? Was my twist. My question is, what is your height? So you did a small. You've only dated small girls? What?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Why is this a shock?

[A]

I don't know, dude. You've never even.

[C]

Black Lewis questions.

[B]

I would.

[C]

It's a shock to him.

[A]

Her name was Heather from Southbound Brook.

[C]

She was six foot three.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

That was your biggest.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Six, three.

[B]

Six, three.

[A]

He's a. He's a basketball player. In his heart, he doesn't care. Black Lewd has never seen himself.

[C]

I hope he's a basketball player. So you have to back that down before you. You gotta box her out. Oh, look, they're doing the move I love Jacob. They were doing the move. I do now. Did you see them doing the thing that I know how to Do. Now that I've nailed, I've moved on. The new Crip walks. There's new Crip walking.

[A]

We need a piece of wood or something like, flat to go from the top of my head back to the ruler, too. Like they do in the professional thing. I don't want to guesstimation.

[C]

All right. There you go. He's got a clipboard.

[A]

Clipboard's fine. Take the paper off.

[C]

Clipboard's not fine. You know I'm wrong with that. You need a flat. No, you need something that's too thin. You need something flusher to make sure it's straight. You know, I'm saying if you had a block, how. Like, the full block would be against the wall.

[B]

And if a piece of paper goes under right there.

[C]

The bottle. Water bottle. Water bottles.

[A]

Perfect thing to go like this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But then it mushes. I don't want to lose any height.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I'm gonna do this.

[A]

We're doing right. I would. I'll take the clipboard because it's wood.

[C]

Yep. It's hard. But the clipboard, it's just like a matter of you could move it any kind of way.

[A]

Do we have a leveler? Is any. Does we have a level?

[C]

We don't have a level.

[B]

Heels, Bobby.

[A]

What?

[B]

I'm putting this under you. This fits under your heel.

[A]

I understand. I understand.

[B]

Like you did the last time.

[A]

I understand. Dude, you might be losing. Losing another little Lilliputian in your cult that you have. I'm not tall.

[B]

If you're five and a quarter, you're fighting.

[C]

Here's what you're gaining, dude. Getting to see how much I spill when I finish.

[A]

Yeah, that's fine. That's great. Look at that. Jacob, you can stand on that.

[B]

I told you, you're not a human being.

[A]

While you're watching Jay masturbate to completion, you can stand on that little block of paper.

[C]

Jacob. I will eventually finish. Finish.

[B]

Let's go.

[C]

I don't want you to freak out, dude. Eventually, I'll finish whether you're there or not. You coming over here?

[A]

I want to stand on something solid, though, because I go down a little bit in the carpet.

[C]

You're not going to lose any substantial thing from carpet.

[A]

Let me see that.

[C]

This could be the little bit, though.

[A]

You can take the. I just want five, eight, guys.

[B]

What is that?

[D]

That's.

[B]

That's the seventh he's talking about.

[A]

Jake, you point that microphone towards Bob.

[B]

Right on the floor.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, but this is the floor. Because you sink in the floor. So I'm gonna lose it this way.

[C]

I'm gonna elevate.

[A]

I'm gonna sink. I'm sinking in the carpet.

[B]

Don't make you forget it. I'm out.

[C]

I'm not watching Jack like it's the worst thing you've done in your life.

[B]

He's putting in his conditions.

[A]

Okay, let me ask. I said I want a solid. I'll go in the bathroom where it's solid. I'm not. I'm not getting measured on a fluffy carpet.

[C]

This carpet's not fluffy.

[B]

It's a solid carpet.

[A]

It's not a solid carpet. That's.

[D]

That's.

[A]

How much is that? Measure that. Take it away. Measure it and take it away. Do the math, genius.

[B]

Okay. Give it to me.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Measure it and take it away. If that's what you want.

[C]

Two and a half inches.

[B]

It looks like a. An eighth.

[C]

There's only one way to do this. For sure.

[A]

Yeah, he's measuring it. This is. This is what little people do. Little people with little problems, they make them into big problems.

[B]

Every bit matters.

[A]

That's why to you, not to me, it does matter. You can take away anything over eight you can have.

[C]

What do we got here? Little problems.

[A]

So take away an eighth.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

If I was naming you for Rock of Love, if I was doing my own Rock of Love, I would name you Little Problems.

[D]

Wait.

[C]

If I was Flavor. Flavor. Naming you.

[B]

I walked into. I walked into the room in a, you know, good mood for me, and I just got hammered for being short. I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything.

[A]

People work. They're always the victim. They're always the victim. I was lied to by a little person. Sent out in the world to believe a lie that affects everything you do, everything you reach for. Anytime you're next to your son, anytime I'm out. And then I find out this in one week from two doctor's visits with a professional measurer that this little victim over here was lying just to get me in his little mix.

[C]

In his theory, though, Jacob says that if you're under five, five nine, which you. You, by admission, you're going to be. You're a worthless piece of. You said.

[A]

Yeah, but that's.

[C]

I don't think that.

[A]

Of course, you know, because we're. We're not little people.

[B]

Not to me.

[A]

Little people have the different rules than people 5, 8, and above have. You understand? We live in a different. We see things differently.

[B]

Literally and above.

[C]

Yeah, I'll tell you what I mean, I'm pretty sure I've showed. I live in a completely different climate than Jacob.

[A]

Here we go. But how is this going to be straight Jake?

[D]

Huh?

[C]

Why aren't black W's going to hold it?

[A]

You need a taller person.

[B]

Why aren't you against this wall here?

[D]

That's true.

[C]

Jacob, slide over there.

[B]

Let me measure on the. On the heel that you're on.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

No heels going up. I don't cheat. I don't lie like little people.

[C]

And hold this there. And hold it there. Bobby is. Take it right to. Here

[B]

are the.

[C]

No, it's not. You see what I mean? It's like weird. Five foots in the middle of it.

[A]

Oh, the two through. But I think they used a. Oh, I don't know why they used. Because it's a little person's measuring device that they use to measure little people.

[C]

Measuring tape.

[A]

That is. They cheated. It's fixed. The fix is in. By. By the two little guys. Wouldn't it be to six 1, 6, 1. So 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

[D]

Boom.

[B]

Oh, it's not boom.

[A]

What are you talking about? That's the eighth right there.

[B]

And you take away an eighth.

[A]

Okay, so that's still five, eight. Five, eight.

[C]

On the dot.

[A]

On the dot, son. Excuse me, little guy. Hey, what's up, buddy? Good to see you. I see you all the time. Jacob doesn't see you. Oh, you got to watch him.

[C]

3 foot 5 with a 10 foot dip.

[A]

Liars. I'm so. You know what? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for believing in me, Jay. Thank you. Yeah, Jay's fluffing it up right now. Getting it ready.

[C]

Get myself a little hard.

[A]

Jacob, you know what the best part about today is? We have a two show day. We get a little break in between for you to get some lunch. Oh, and for.

[C]

You want to do it between shows.

[B]

Yeah, I want to get it over.

[C]

Oh, man. I'm knocking around thinking about it.

[A]

Dude.

[C]

Stuff's happening.

[D]

Damn.

[A]

What's up?

[C]

I don't love Jacob watching me masturbate so much.

[B]

You went to two doctors.

[A]

Yeah, I went to two doctors.

[B]

Your son's pediatrician said you want to get measured for the hell of it because that's a thing.

[A]

Hey, man, lash out. I would lash out if I was under five. Something too. I would. Yeah, you're a little dude. You're five eight, buddy. Lash out, kid. Feel it. I understand.

[B]

I don't. It's sad to me that you're five eight.

[A]

When I was. When I was. When I thought I was 5 7. I had hatred in my heart too. I did. But now that I. But I always felt like I was. Like I felt something inside me, like, hey, I'm not one of these guys. I don't hate. I don't hate tall people. I like tall people.

[C]

Jacob. Keep that energy. When I bust.

[A]

Why don't you jerk off on this heated coat? Maybe make it malfunction.

[C]

Oh, dude, you want to see if it looks like a egg white omelet when I blast on your heated coat? How hot does that thing get?

[A]

Ah, that makes me feel so happy. Five eight and something.

[B]

No, not five eight and something.

[A]

Whatever, Jacob. Five eight, that's something.

[B]

It's only going to get shorter.

[A]

Yeah, but you know what?

[C]

You want to go to a concert

[A]

from old age, Bobby, you'll never see.

[C]

You want to go to a concert and stand in the back with me? It doesn't matter. We'll be able to see.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely. Five eight, I can see. Absolutely. Let's go.

[C]

Doesn't matter again.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You got to sit up in first class, though, because your legs are too long.

[A]

It's a little. I gotta be first class. Yeah, it's too tight. I can't even do comfort plush anymore. I was doing comfort plus because they told me a five seven. I got to move back up to first.

[C]

And he was like, it doesn't feel like I'm five seven. It feels pretty uncomfortable up here. Here's what Bob, five seven is the cut off for. For coach seats for little people.

[A]

Yeah, it's great. Yeah. I feel fantastic.

[C]

Lily pads. What are they called? Lily pads?

[A]

Lilliputians.

[C]

Lily pad.

[A]

Lilliputian. You're a little Lilliputian.

[C]

Little Lilliputian sitting on a lily pad.

[A]

Look, I'm just staring off going, we lost another one.

[C]

You did break his reality.

[A]

I did.

[C]

But he does still think that you're not a human being because you're not five nine.

[B]

Not full human.

[A]

But buddy, you understand that how. How people with disabilities work, right? They have to hate. They have to have that hatred just to survive through the day. I understand what he's doing.

[C]

You put it down on paper and take it over to kill Tony.

[A]

Yeah, there you go.

[C]

Handicap people. Blah, blah, blah.

[A]

I fucking.

[C]

You said you had an audio gift for me today.

[A]

We got something. I mean, dude, let me say something. I was.

[C]

This live show, or is this this show?

[A]

We can do it this show. This. It could definitely be this show. We. You know, Corey's back out in the. In making a new album.

[C]

Oh, I'm Aware.

[A]

And one of your favorite things was the drop that Lou got

[B]

you.

[A]

Yeah, you.

[C]

I was doing that for Jezebel Suite in Minneapolis last week. I was sort of. All the drops we have. I go. And he goes. And then he goes, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Squiggly, squiggly, squiggly, squiggly, squiggly. Third one. She was like. We would just look at him and just nod and then we would start playing whatever we did. She was like, I don't know. We were just kind of like. It was great. She's really down for a good Q A. Sweetheart.

[D]

We got another.

[A]

We should play the whole video for. Play the video and then play the clip. We gotta. We got a nice little. We got another one for you.

[C]

Newbie.

[A]

A newbie, but a. A in contender for better than the old ones, I think.

[C]

Okay, say less. Let's see.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

You can just play it.

[B]

Dude.

[A]

Let him hear it. Here's Corey directing his band. So give it some filler in between. So boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,

[C]

boom.

[B]

My favorite ending.

[A]

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[C]

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[A]

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[C]

It's completely shifted the way we work.

[A]

Create your own AI agent in minutes on Monday dot com. Hey, what's going on? I'm Robert Kelly.

[C]

And I'm Big J Okerson. Do you want to listen to episodes of the Bonfire ad free and a whole week early?

[A]

Well, the Bonfire is a member of Sirius XM Podcast Plus.

[C]

If you get a SiriusXM Podcast plus subscription, it opens you up to all kinds of benefits on so many Sirius XM shows and podcasts. Yeah.

[A]

So what are you waiting for?

[C]

Subscribe to Sirius XM podcast plus right now or visit siriusxm.com podcastplus right now,

[A]

we got our friend Will on the phone.

[C]

Oh, nice. Oh, hell yeah. Will the ghost. Gilmot.

[A]

What's up, buddy?

[D]

Thanks for having me calling today. I appreciate it.

[A]

How you doing, pal? You ready for this fight?

[D]

Oh, yeah, I can't wait. I just want to fight already.

[A]

Should we bet money on you? How much money should we bet? Oh, yeah, A million?

[D]

Better. I'll bet the house.

[A]

Bet a house. All right. I'll bet the tiny house.

[C]

I know this won't make sense to you, but it does have to do with what we were talking about, Will. But if you win this fight, I will relieve Jacob from having to watch me masturbate to completion. He lost a bet to me today, and the. The bet was if he. If he lost, he would have to watch me masturbate to completion. It's fucking. I don't know. It's weird he thought it up, but

[D]

I'll take a dive.

[C]

So, yeah, if you know. By the way, you do now have a safe. You do now have a safety, though safety valve to go. Well, I, yeah, I lost, but I took a dive because I wanted to see Jacob watch Jay masturbate to completion. Thank you, Will. Damn, dude. That is the ultimate sacrifice.

[A]

I apprec, buddy.

[C]

You're fighting in your hometown, which is very exciting, I assume, finally, as first time as a pro, right?

[D]

Yeah, first time as a pro. I fought as an amateur in Rhode Island a bunch of times. But it's definitely exciting because the pro crowd is a lot more bigger, obviously.

[A]

And you. You guys are the main card on that. You. This is it, right? Everybody's coming, you're the main event. And like the. The money, you get a. What are you getting? You getting a belt? You getting money? What are you getting for if you do win?

[D]

No belt, but you know, I get a percentage of ticket sales, so it definitely helps be in hometown. And all my people came out to like the casinos of Connecticut, which is like a. It's only a 45 minute ride, but since it's in the hometown, this is going to help out a lot.

[C]

Now I have a question. It was it hard to find a place to fight far enough away from kids since your opponent is a registered sex offender? I'm just going to start rumors about this guy. And you. And when you beat him, you have to say in your post fight interview, you go, that's for all the children you hurt, you son of a. And they just leave it. Inoculus. Having the idea to be like What. What the hell is that about?

[A]

When you win, can you. Can you just. When you're giving your speech, at the end, just go. Right at the end, just go. Michelle Obama is a. Is a guy.

[D]

What the was that, Bobby?

[C]

That's okay. You should say. You should go. Guys, no matter what Michelle Obama is, I think a woman. We don't know. No one's ever seen her vagina or penis. I think she's a woman. But what if we're wrong? We're gonna have egg on our face. It's better to think about down the road.

[A]

Better than having her jizz on her face. When I asked Will what his opponent was like. Tell me something about him. He said, he's bigger than me and he's as black as they come.

[C]

Nice as tonight itself.

[D]

I know Jay would like that one.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Where's he from?

[C]

Aim for his stars.

[D]

He's from Mississippi.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

No, that is terrifying.

[A]

I was thinking Boston black. That's real black.

[C]

This is like gold tooth.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. This is old school black. That's OG Black.

[C]

There's a guy that, when you. When you hit him, he's gonna go, all right, Shouty.

[A]

He's gonna go, yeah. That all you got? Oh, now you got shouting.

[C]

Come put me in the face.

[A]

Some weird nickname for him he just made up.

[C]

Oh, yeah? Does he have a nickname?

[D]

I don't know. I haven't. I haven't really looked in too deep about the nickname bar, but we'll see.

[A]

Have you studied him? Are you ready?

[D]

Yeah, we found. Oh, yeah, I found a clip of him. He just. He doesn't do a lot of combos. He more just those power punches. So I just gotta work my speed, my footwork, and I should be able to take him out later rounds after I tie him out to the body.

[C]

You want to take him deep waters?

[D]

Yeah, I think so. I'm not gonna rush the knockout in the beginning. If it comes, it comes, but I know if I break him down to the body, he'll wear down.

[A]

So you're gonna hit him in the gut, make him drop his arms, and then. And then jab his face, and then knock him the out. What round do you think?

[C]

I hope he doesn't listen to this.

[A]

We don't care.

[C]

First things first, I'm gonna kick him in the nuts, I'm gonna bite him on the shoulder, and I'm gonna tell him I had sex with his sister.

[A]

Hey, speaking of having sex with your sister, do you. Do you say to your opponents, you guys talk at all do you like with them in the ring?

[D]

I don't start talking, but if they talk, I'll. I'll trip back. I never saw it. Really?

[A]

What's the most up thing somebody said to you in the ring?

[D]

Called me a.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you knock him out?

[D]

Really? No, I didn't. I, I won that fight, but I didn't, I didn't knock him out.

[C]

Damn.

[D]

I guess he's right.

[C]

He goes, damn, dude. Professional fighting is so scary to me. I'm so impressed you guys even get in there and do it at all, man. It's got to be. I know we talked about when you were in here, like the walk. The walk to the ring's got to be like the moment where you have to like, it all has to get out and you have to get all your confidence back.

[A]

I would energy jump.

[D]

That's what, that's when I gained the confidence right there.

[C]

Yeah. No, I assume what he said, but the Tyson speech, right? As soon as you step through the ring, when you step through the ropes, you're like, wow, I'm gonna kill.

[A]

What song you coming out to?

[D]

This. So last night I did Hail Mary, but this fight, I'm doing Trouble by Elvis. Yeah, I got, I got an Elvis themed outfit, so I haven't seen anyone do it before, so it's gonna be a first for everyone.

[A]

I've never seen Elvis thing. You'd have like a, like an Elvis suit you're coming out in.

[D]

Nice. Got the white trunks with like the red, blue and gold gems, right? And then the white jacket with the same gems on it.

[C]

I hope the other guy comes out to Walking in the Rain by Orange Juice Jones. This way you have time to relax while he takes a nice long stroll of the ring.

[A]

I like this song because you don't have to. You don't have to get too jacked up. You can walk nice and slow.

[D]

Yeah. Nice and calm.

[A]

Yeah, it's very calm. You know who likes this song? Andrew Dice Clay. Oh, yeah, no, he used to.

[C]

He plays and stuff.

[A]

So you're coming out second, right? You're coming out second. You're the hometown boy, right?

[D]

Yeah. He walks first and then I walk out there.

[A]

Are you gonna make him wait? You're gonna slow this down. And with his head, as soon as

[D]

he says, my daddy was a green eye mountain jack, that's when I start to walk.

[C]

Oh, hell yeah. That's gonna be fucking great.

[A]

How many rounds are you doing?

[D]

This is still a four rounder.

[A]

Four round. All right, well, just know, dude, if you lose, don't call back, okay?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just know. And Jacob definitely has to watch Jay masturb completion twice.

[C]

Double or nothing.

[A]

Double or nothing, Jacob.

[C]

Two separate times. You'll have to watch me masturbate to completion, buddy.

[A]

Double or nothing. You believe in Will? Come on.

[B]

I believe in Will. So double or nothing, two jerk offs,

[C]

two to completion, two masturbation.

[B]

I believe in you, Will.

[D]

I got you, Jacob.

[B]

All right.

[A]

You better save him, dude.

[C]

Oh, my God. The only consolation if our friend Will loses, which I won't even put in my head, is that I will be able to dry my tears knowing that you have to watch me masturbate twice, Jacob.

[A]

Hey, can I ask a question, though? If he does lose and he has to do it twice, can Will come in, you know, on one of the sessions just to watch?

[C]

I don't. Will, you don't have to watch, but you could donkey punch Jacob while it's happening. Just every once in a while, just give him a shot in the back of the head. A gloved hand, of course. Do the shot to the back of the head. So he's getting it from all angles. I want it to be like a full sensory overload.

[A]

Where's. Where's your after party gonna be when you win?

[D]

There's a spot down the road called the Thirsty Beaver, so It's only about 10 minutes. We'll go there.

[A]

Was it a strip club?

[D]

No, it's just a sports bar.

[C]

Oh, it's called the Beaver. Doesn't always mean beaver. Sometimes it just means beaver to you, boy. Yeah, the squirt and beaver Squirting beaver.

[A]

What's it called? The Thirsty Beaver.

[D]

Yeah, the Thirsty Beaver.

[A]

I should have a strip club there.

[C]

Yeah, that really should be. Name of strip club. It sounds like. It sounds like a woman who wants a load in her cooch.

[A]

Just sucks.

[C]

That's what I say. I go, oh, Christine Evans. Dude, that girl's got a thirsty beaver, if you know what I mean.

[A]

She used to.

[C]

Oh, my God. Christine's fucking pussy is parched. Her beaver hasn't had. It's so thirsty down there.

[A]

Jay. Jay, what's that?

[C]

Oh, that's Christine's thirsty, Thirsty Beaver. I'll have a coffee and a water for my thirsty beaver. It's a good name for it. Well, you have a girlfriend?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, I got a girlfriend.

[C]

She comes to the fights?

[D]

Yep, she'll be there.

[A]

Do you see her before the fight, or do you shut that down like a week out?

[D]

No, not a week out. I'll see the day before the fight. And she'll leave at night. And then the whole day of the fight, I'm just by myself.

[A]

Yeah, I always hate. I was like, connor and is coming back conic mcgregor. But now he's having his kids around. And anytime the guy is having his kids or his wife at training and he's having fun, I'm like, you're gonna lose.

[D]

Yeah. It gets too much. I know it. Yeah, you gotta stay focused.

[A]

Yeah. Frank.

[C]

Unless you're allowed to hit her.

[D]

Keep her alive.

[C]

Well, yeah, you know, so it's training, babe.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

You want this money or not?

[A]

You're dating a boxer. You know I'm gonna hit at some point.

[C]

You're dating a boxer? I'm always shadow boxing. And you happen to be walking around acting and saying, stupid. Acting, ridiculous. Oh, there's the thirsty beaver. Oh, nice flatbread pizzas, dude.

[A]

Rhode island, I'm gonna tell you right now, Rhode island has the best food. It's one of the best cities of all.

[C]

I mean, where the mobsters moved.

[A]

They were there. They got them out of there.

[C]

But all the Italians still stay up there in federal. What's it called?

[A]

Federal hill.

[C]

Federal hill.

[A]

They got a lot of them out. They got a lot of them out. It's very woke now.

[C]

How do you get out? The Italians?

[A]

You. You arrest them on the rico act and then they go away. And then hipsters buy that property and then they open up bakeries.

[C]

Oh, there was massive mafia arrestings up in Rhode island.

[A]

Yeah, the mayor was in the mob. Stop it, dude. It was legal prostitution around 15 years ago in Rhode island.

[C]

All I remember about Rhode island ever is that there was a place called cheaters that was allowing underage strippers.

[A]

There's one we would drive from Boston to go to cheaters. Rhode island had the best. The best strip clubs. The best strip clubs around.

[C]

I know two things. Underage girl stripping and will the ghost gilmut. It's a toss up for which I think should be on the license plate, but. Oh, dude, they have pierogies at this place. Oh, the thirsty beaver. The after party's gonna be great. I can't watch you get hit, will. But I'll be there for the pierogies.

[A]

Pierogi is just a dumpling, right? It's just a polish dumpling, right?

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Is that what it is?

[C]

Wow.

[A]

What? What is it?

[C]

It's low rent.

[A]

It's a. It's a dumpling, dude.

[C]

Come on.

[A]

Is it. Come on, what is it? I hate when you do this. Just tell me what it Is. It's a dumpling, you fuck face.

[C]

Kind of. You really just more like a ravioli.

[A]

You know what? You hurt with your smarts. And you're not that smart.

[C]

It's like a Pollock ravioli.

[A]

There's nothing worse. There's nothing worse than a dumb guy hurting you with smarts.

[C]

No, I don't be your smarts. I let you just. I keep saying things to you. I say one word over and over again, it makes you second guess yourself.

[A]

Yeah, you're.

[C]

You just say something. I go, come on. And you go, what? I go, just come on.

[A]

It's a dumpling.

[C]

It's a traditional Polish dumpling.

[A]

What's your meal after the fight besides. Besides a thirsty beaver.

[D]

I said it last time. I think I like the Chinese food the best.

[A]

After the fight, best Chinese food.

[C]

You know why? They're putting MSG back in it. A lot of people don't know that. Yeah, stolen valor.

[A]

He stole that.

[C]

I stole that from those guys.

[A]

Are you going? Which place are you going to?

[D]

There's a place in West Warwick, dingy place called House of Wu. What's the best fucking Chinese food there is?

[A]

The House of Woo.

[B]

Black guy, no good.

[C]

Oh, smart move calling it Woo.

[A]

Dude, isn't this. It's so different that Rhode island and Massachusetts have the best Chinese food in the world, right?

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

You ever get Chinese food in, like, New York and Jersey or anywhere else? It's. It's just garbage.

[C]

Well, I want to see.

[D]

Yeah, it's almost like Panda Express.

[A]

Yeah, it's Panda Express. Bullshit.

[C]

Go to the house website there. Because I gotta be honest with you, it was operating at 4.3.

[D]

I don't know if they have a website.

[A]

They have a website. 4.3 is pretty good.

[C]

Go to the Google reviews, kid. My boy out here eating bullshit. Go to the One Stars. No, no, it's not all five.

[A]

They have one One. One Star.

[C]

Well, let's get to it.

[A]

I bet it's an asshole ordered pork

[C]

lo mein and got this laughing face drippy emoji. Tiny pieces of what looked like chicken with stringy white onions and strangely.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[C]

And strangely runny but thick sauce with green things crying emoji. I refuse to eat it. Service was three out of five. Atmosphere, three out of five. Food, one out of five.

[A]

She obviously just got the wrong order. She got the wrong order. Anybody brings their own Stanley cup to a restaurant is an asshole.

[C]

Okay, well, this next One Star, I'm gonna say it says the juice isn't worth the squeeze. Which I don't like. Their little. They can't wait to put that out there.

[A]

That's a hipster.

[C]

That was a line they couldn't wait to say. So I already write all this off.

[A]

And the food looks amazing, by the way. Look at that.

[C]

Well, it says it was lacking basic ingredients like mushroom, sesame oil, soy, or black fungus.

[A]

Who the is that? Jamie Oliver? Him.

[C]

It was unbalanced and extremely bland at to the point of no taste and heavy on vinegar. The boneless spare ribs were borderline dry and also lacked flavor. I gotta be honest, I like a dry spare bear.

[D]

Rip.

[A]

This is. This is a douchebag. Well, it says local guide, 159 reviews. Yeah, this is his thing. Yeah, that's his thing. Nobody actually. Nobody told him it was his thing. He just made it his thing.

[C]

Keep going. Another one star review.

[A]

Will, I want you to find this guy and punch him in the head.

[C]

All right, here's a woman named Ash Lena Day. So she's Asian, I think.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They're not going to. This is. This is white people. Chinese food.

[C]

My family. It was. She was Asian. My family and I have been visiting the house of. Who spelled it wrong? Racist? For over 20 years. It was an establishment that through the years has maintained its level of notoriety for the delicious, favorable food and affordable price. The end of an era has arrived.

[A]

Whatever.

[C]

Damn. People are very angry. Joyce Haynes. A lot of women. A lot of women complaining.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

Usually my husband ordered the beef and broccoli. There was almost all broccoli.

[A]

Well, maybe they saw that it was a fat and he needed more broccoli than beef.

[C]

That's true. Do you think it's the kind of place that would say you're a fat and take away some of your beef? Because that seems like a weird, strange restaurant policy.

[A]

This place looks good to me. And this is where you're going. This is the food you're getting after the fight.

[D]

Oh, yeah. I always do takeout because since I was a young kid, every time we went in there, at least. At least 9 out of 10 times someone gets arrested for drinking the scorpion bowls there. They got all up. They do something. A little scorpion bull.

[A]

I do love that. All Boston and Rhode Island, Massachusetts, like these. These Chinese restaurants have these just amazingly ornate bowls, dragons, and. And they just pour, like, buckets of alcohol in it and like eight straws. And people just sit there and get fucking hammered.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Just. Yeah, it's just. I mean, literally just a bowl. Like a. Like a. Like a. Like one of those big Punch bowls

[D]

we used to have.

[A]

Those are called shark bowls at Sharkies. And you like, you couldn't order like one person couldn't order it. I think to go to the bar with at least two people to get the bowl. Oh yeah, dude. These people get up. I just go to the colons and just watch people. A family just turned a nice night turn into just some screaming match.

[C]

We were gonna have a nice night too. God damn.

[A]

Well, buddy, we're all rooting for you, dude. If you guys are in, in New England, New Hampshire, wherever, make a night of it. Go down, see the fights live. I've been to fights like this. They're awesome, they're fun. Oh yeah, you can hear the. Just the per. The punches hit the body. It's. It's. It's amazing to see a live fight. And Will's gonna.

[C]

It's the race war on the shore, everybody. Will the Ghost taking out black Tyler Riley.

[A]

No, that's not.

[C]

That's right. He's gonna beat him back into having to take care of his own kids. You heard it here first. Everybody in Cranston, Rhode island, it's a no fault state when it comes to child support. Tyler Riley is running for his life in the ring and out. Get your tickets at CES fights cesfights.com or you can message him directly on Instagram. Il Gillmet G U I L M E T T E See it all go down. Do we set America back 15 years? I think we can. Is Michelle Obama a man? I think not.

[A]

You just sold it out. He just sold every ticket.

[C]

Absolutely. Both of these guys hate each other. Tyler Riley, a confirmed Black Panther son. Will the Ghost Gill met a confirmed skinhead underneath that luscious head of hair.

[A]

Hey, just know that if Will does not win this fight, Jacob has to watch Jay masturbate to completion two times, which. It's a win win for everybody.

[C]

Also, whatever happens after the fight, Will is also denouncing the Nazi party. 40 also, but not in that ring. In that ring. It's his only fuel. We're rooting for you, dude. We're really excited. Is there a place, is there a way to. There's no way to watch. There's no.

[D]

There is a streaming thing. I gotta get the website. I'll have it by Thursday or Friday and I'll post it on my Instagram. I'll text Lou, send it you guys that way if you want.

[C]

Yeah, please. I'd love to watch. I'm home this weekend, so.

[D]

I appreciate it.

[A]

All right, buddy.

[D]

Well, good luck, buddy.

[A]

Kick ass.

[C]

I'm gonna be watching on FaceTime with Jacob and I'm gonna start masturbating as soon as it's over. So win. Win with everything you have. I don't want you to see me masturbate.

[A]

All right, buddy, take care. We'll see you later.

[D]

Thank you.

[C]

That's Will the Ghost Gilmet. He's gonna do it. He's gonna do it. He's undefeated.

[A]

Two knockouts. Don't jinx him, huh? No, jinx him.

[C]

I guarantee victory.

[A]

Come on, you can't. You gotta.

[C]

If he loses while Jacob's watching me masturbate, I'll suck your dick.

[A]

If he loses while. The first masturbation or the second one?

[C]

Both.

[A]

I want the first. I don't want both. I'm not gonna be able to do both. All right, I can do one.

[C]

I got a busy schedule. You're gonna can't watch me whack off two times.

[A]

Once I'm done, I gotta take a nap or get a snack.

[C]

We run the concerts together.

[A]

Yeah, but my feet get tired.

[C]

That's fair.

[A]

And I am standing up while you do it.

[C]

That is true. Yeah, well, I'll be sucking your dick, watching us, watching. Now, Jacob, I'm gonna tell you, you don't have to watch me sucking Bobby's dick, but it will be in your line of sight, probably. So you do have to watch me masturbate. So if you could either relax your eyes and take in the full view and maybe not such specifics, or what's really important is you could just focus and zoom in on me. Just pounding for you.

[B]

For you will win.

[D]

Bing.

[C]

Bobby Kelly's gonna be at the Comedy mothership in Austin, July 3rd through the 5th. And then Portsmouth, New Hampshire, July 25th, one night, two shows after that. Saratoga Springs, September 11th and 12th. Brooklyn, New York on September 26th. For tickets and all their tour dates, go to Punch up dot live. Robert Kelly. Make sure you check out his YouTube at Robert Kelly Comedy. And of course you see him live, 7pm every Tuesday night. Fat Black pussy Get lounge. The Comedy Cellar. Yeah, another fun one.

[A]

That was great.

[C]

Enjoy. We hope you guys enjoyed the pre record. Jacob took his beating. Watch my wiener. We'll see you guys on Monday.

[A]

You're more than just one thing. Your vehicle should be too. More connectivity when you're the boss.

[C]

Hey, Google, when's my next meeting?

[A]

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[C]

of a resume, you might throw away the perfect tire.

[A]

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[C]

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[A]

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