The Phantom Poop

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: "The Phantom Poop"
Date: January 6, 2026
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly
Guest/Cameo: Dawn (Bobby’s wife), Jacob

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on Bobby Kelly’s hilarious and unsettling struggle with severe constipation and the mysterious appearance of "phantom poop" in his household toilet. Through blunt, often crude banter, Big Jay and Bobby examine the mystery, debate the evidence, and speculate whether Bobby has lost control of his bowels—or his sanity—while mixing in classic Bonfire riffs about food, family, and bodily functions. Dawn, Bobby’s wife, joins the call to defend her version of events, escalating the comedic whodunit. The show’s signature is raw, honest (sometimes gross) humor, playful antagonism, and an authentically unfiltered look at everyday absurdity.

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Key Discussion Points & Breakdown

1. Recapping Bobby’s Weekend of Indulgence

• Bobby recounts his busy weekend:

  • Halloween shows in Emmaus Theater (“Emmanuel’s Theater” mishap, [01:35]).
  • Attending a bacon festival, sampling strange bacon treats: bacon cannoli, bacon maple ice cream, & the festival-only “50/50” burger (50% bacon, 50% beef).
  • “It was the juiciest, tastiest burger... the best burger I’ve ever had in my life.” – Bobby ([04:06]).

• Big Jay and Bobby debate bacon-based foods:

  • Jay’s horror at bacon and sweets combo, especially bacon cannoli:
    • “I get the salty and sweet, but not fatty meat and chocolate.” – Jay ([03:22])
  • Bobby admits bacon cannoli is “good for one bite, then you gotta toss it.”

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2. Bobby’s Constipation Crisis

• Bobby confesses: He hasn’t pooped in three days ([06:08]):

  • The repercussions of a bacon-heavy diet—but, as Bobby notes, he’s suffering:
    • “My incident is this... I haven’t shit in three days.” – Bobby
    • They joke about bacon cannoli becoming part of his bloodstream: “You are now 8% bacon cannoli.” – Jay ([06:49])

• Efforts to resolve constipation:

  • Dawn makes him a “dookie smoothie” (fruit, fiber, etc.)—doesn’t work.
  • Describes trying all tricks: bidet, squatty potty, massaging stomach (“I did all the shit tricks,” [09:19]).

• Graphic but funny details on the “mechanics” of pushing out a poop:

  • Includes explicit banter about bidets, squatting techniques, and alleged advanced butthole control.
    • “[My] asshole right now, as we speak, is wide open... and wait... it’s closed. Wait.” – Bobby ([09:44])
    • “I can make it go like, suck in...” – Jay ([10:14])

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3. The Phantom Poop Mystery

• The core mystery unfolds:

  • After much effort, Bobby gives up, lies in bed, still uncomfortable. Dawn examines the bathroom and insists he pooped—there’s poop in the toilet.
    • “She goes, you shit. I go, I didn’t shit, honey. I can’t... She goes, there’s shit in the toilet. You shit.” – Bobby ([10:53])
  • Bobby swears he didn’t, felt no relief, didn’t wipe. Dawn is certain he did. Max (his son) denies pooping.

• On-air confrontation: Bobby vs. Dawn ([13:09]):

  • Bobby calls Dawn, trying to suss out the truth.
  • Dawn: "I went in the bathroom and there was poop. I flushed it."
  • Bobby: “I didn’t shit. I know when I shit, honey, we got into this big fight.”
  • Dawn insists the poop looked like “small snakes” ([15:36]), causing Jay and the crew to riff that Bobby “takes little girl shits now.”

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4. Escalating Paranoia & Relationship Riffs

• Bobby spirals into self-doubt:

  • Wonders if he can trust his own body or memory (“Am I at that stage of life where you can’t tell if you shit or not?” – Bobby, [12:08])
  • Jay jokes about dementia and Bobby’s family “slowly unraveling” ([20:03]).

• Suspicions and wild theories arise:

  • Jay suggests maybe Dawn is gaslighting Bobby on purpose:
    • “She might be taking shits and then saying it’s you because she wants you to lose your mind.” – Jay ([24:15])
    • Bobby: “She hates weakness in men... she's from the 80s...” ([24:35])
  • Bobby, tongue-in-cheek, comes to believe in a larger marital conspiracy to undermine him (“I think it’s a long game... she’s trying to weaken me,” [28:36]).

• Discussion on plausible explanations:

  • Maybe it’s all due to too much protein and not enough fiber.
  • Jacob, ever logical, suggests Senna or “Smooth Move” tea.
  • They riff on poop shape, family members’ habits, and childhood poop stories.

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5. Classic Bonfire Tangents

• Deadpan banter on marital fights, masculinity, and aging:

  • “She doubled down. She really put a boot on your neck on that day.” – Jay ([25:05])
  • Jokes about being afraid of Dawn physically (“She’s from Boston—you said she can fight.” – Jay ([20:21]))

• Wild, off-color humor:

  • Riffs on having the “hardening of the stool,” the mechanics of pooping, and laxative products.
  • Discussions about “rat bacon” after seeing subway footage of a man on the tracks ([36:23]), the worst foods in New York, and the dangers of protein shakes.

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6. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On phantom pooping:

  • “I'd like to call her [Dawn] to get to the bottom of this.” – Jay ([12:27])
  • “You're either lying to me or you took a shit or somebody shit in the house. I didn't shit.” – Bobby ([12:40])
  • “It looked like small snakes in the toilet.” – Dawn ([15:36])
  • “Damn, Bobby. Maybe you were so bound up that you... but it didn't feel better.” – Jacob ([18:26])
  • “Your family’s slowly unraveling as everyone keeps blaming you.” – Jay ([20:03])
  • "She's trying to get me to think I'm losing my mind. To weaken me. To weaken my arguments, to weaken my manhood..." – Bobby ([28:01])

• On bacon fest:

  • “A bacon cannoli is good for one bite, and then you have to toss it.” – Bobby ([03:40])
  • “It tasted like little foreskins inside.” – Bobby ([03:48])

• On the bidet:

  • “You gotta learn to open your asshole... like a dolphin.” – Bobby ([09:33])
  • “I know how to control my asshole, Bobby.” – Jay ([09:35])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|-------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:46 | Show starts - Jay & Bobby open with banter | | 01:26 | Bobby recaps gigs, Emmaus Theater, bacon fest begins | | 03:00 | Bacon festival food debate | | 06:08 | Bobby reveals constipation crisis | | 07:59 | Graphic details on attempts to poop, bidet & squatty potty | | 10:53 | The "phantom poop" incident with Dawn | | 13:09 | On-air call: Bobby confronts Dawn about the toilet mystery | | 15:36 | Dawn describes "small snakes" in the toilet | | 20:03 | Jay jokes about dementia/unraveling family | | 24:15 | Gaslighting theory: Dawn possibly plotting revenge | | 28:36 | Bobby speculates about a "long game" to undermine him | | 34:44 | More poop talk; bidet & bathroom etiquette riffs | | 35:03 | Farrah Abraham shitting video tangent |

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The Bonfire's Signature Tone

• Unfiltered, blue-collar bodily humor
• Relatable domestic absurdities
• Friendly antagonism and self-deprecation
• Willingness to dive into the gross or taboo—always with a wink

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Conclusion

"The Phantom Poop" is a quintessential Bonfire episode—gross, hilarious, and underpinned by real friendship. The episode’s core is an absurd debate about a mysterious poop, made laugh-out-loud through the hosts’ honesty and escalation. Bobby’s blend of indignation and paranoia, Jay’s relentless teasing, and the call-in appearance by Dawn create a uniquely comedic whodunnit, all tied together with riffs on food, family, and aging.

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Best closing quote:
“She’s trying to get me to think that I’m losing my mind... to weaken my arguments, to weaken my manhood...” – Bobby Kelly ([28:01])

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This episode is perfect for listeners who love raw, real, and riotously funny glimpses into the private (and sometimes disgusting) lives of stand-up comics and their families.

Transcript

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

And now the bonfire with Big J.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okerson and Robert Kelly. Yo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Damn. These guys were pissed. These were the Leslie Jones of the 90s.

[Bobby Kelly]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Onyx. How do I describe Onyx? It's like if Leslie Jones was four bald black rappers.

[Bobby Kelly]

You see a trash Tony.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, she was. It was just. It was. It wasn't just Tony. It was gonna cross the board, I guess. Shock comedy that. I guess she doesn't understand that she does also. Let's. I want to hear your incident first, though. Oh, I know. We. It's so funny.

[Dawn]

You.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You have your pothead by proxy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I really am like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cause you also forgot that subject. We could have just. We would have went the rest of the show and never got to your incident. Possibly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Probably not. Something happened to me. Great weekend. Halloween was great. Saturday show. Emmanuel's Theater. Have you played that yet?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

Emmanuel's Theater. In Emanuel's theater.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Emmaus.

[Bobby Kelly]

Emmaus. Is that how you say it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. No, you should.

[Bobby Kelly]

You'd love it. It's a great, great town. The theater's such a fucking. I was a little nervous because I was outside before the show and a fucking train.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I see. He's gonna be there on New Year's Eve.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Raymond, the Amish comic. Go back to that. Raymond, the Amish comic.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I opened for him at the Italian Villa East Comedy club out in thing. He had an audience. Very nice guy. He does dirty comedy. And it was the first pair of tits I ever signed in my life was in the audience from that crowd.

[Bobby Kelly]

Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I opened for him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's funny. Gig. I check them out. It's. This place is great. The people there love all of us. Which is when you go to A club. And they. They love us as like a group of comics. It's just they. They treat. I can't. They just. So everybody was just accommodating. I. I don. Told him, like, Bobby's not gonna have C. Just wants Gatorade zero but Max is coming, so you can have stacks snacks. They had. It looked like a fucking deli counter. It had come cupcakes, full size. Every candy bar. They just laid it out for this kid. And it's so funny cause he didn't eat really any of it. And then we got in the car and he just, like an alcoholic, had a trash bag. He went and got the trash bag, bag from the trash can and just brought it all home, which I respected. He goes, dad, I got snacks for the ride home.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pretty gangster overall. It's pretty gangster.

[Bobby Kelly]

Went to Bacon Fest before. In the town. There's a town like 20 minutes before it, they have a bacon festival.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why?

[Bobby Kelly]

Because it's bacon.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's only one kind.

[Bobby Kelly]

What do you mean there's only one kind?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We can only make a festival around the one thing, apparently. Pepper bacon.

[Bobby Kelly]

You've never had bacon cannoli.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I would never in a million years.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, I did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know you did. And I bet it was probably good in its own way. I understand the concept. I said this at Voodoo Donut this weekend in Austin. I get the concept of bacon with chocolate and sweet. I get the salty and sweet, but not fatty meat and chocolate. That's what it is. It's what the salty is. I can't do.

[Bobby Kelly]

A bacon cannoli is good for one bite, and then you have to toss.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It, and then you realize you're eating bacon and fucking cheese and chips.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bacon maple ice cream. They had real bacon in it. After a couple bites, it was like little foreskins inside, by the way. Which grossed me out a little bit. Yeah, that's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, fuck.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm telling you, the first bite and a half, you're like, this is the best thing you've ever eaten. But I did have the burger there. It's called the 50 50. They only make it for Bacon Fest. 50% bacon, 50% hamburger. Was the best burger I've ever had in my life. Was the best burger I've ever had.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I tell you, there's a burger that's here in the city right now in Soho you should check out, because I had it in Austin. Owner's a fan of our group of people. Our fan, Our. You know, it's like all the world did that with Tony and all Those.

[Bobby Kelly]

Guys, which I love.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But he. He owns sushi by scratch here in New York in Flatiron, which is like a high end place. And this guy will not have it with us paying.

[Jacob]

Really.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Which was nice love because I took everybody for burgers to the thing. But Lewis went there the first night and came back. He's like, yo, that burger was insane. And then I was like, I'm sure it's fine. And then he brought them over to the mothership and I shared one with him which was his second and a half burger.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love that Lewis is getting fat again.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But he.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's not going to make Skeg Fest. Not fat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a damn chance burger. It was so. And the. And the fries are made in beef tallow.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And they. And they sell two things. This burger. It's that burger. And then like a kids one. Maybe you go to the menu. It's like four things. Yeah. Kids burger, regular fries and then Beast Mode fries which are with their like. It's just shit all over like relish. And on the front it's so good.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't like on my fries.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't really care for you that much. But they were surprisingly great fries.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like bomb, dude. The 5050 burger. I was a little like whatever. It was the juiciest, tastiest burger. It was on an had fried onions on top, which I'm not really a fan of. Cheese just fried on no cheese. Little sauce. They had a little sauce that was on it. And an onion bun fried with fried onions that were like cooked on the top. Incredible.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Incredible. Incredible. But my incident is this. And I don't know if you've had this problem. I haven't shit in three days.

[Jacob]

What?

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not the incident. That's part of it.

[Dawn]

It makes perfect sense.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So we're had that happen when there was something with soda during the show. He's like. He had like. It was like on day six of not. It was like a thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Well, I'm on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maybe it's that chair.

[Dawn]

But you're eating bacon cannolis.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was eating you up. I was eating. I ate whatever I wanted. That day at Bacon Fest. I ate a lot of bacon.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maybe your body needed it. So maybe your body needed it that it's absorbed everything perfectly.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I didn't chew.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You are now 8% bacon cannoli is my new nickname.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bacon cannoli.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

More human than human.

[Dawn]

When you said bacon cannoli I thought it was a regular cannoli and it had Bacon bits in the cream. The actual shell is bacon.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I be honest with you? That actually makes more sense to me, though. I would try that before. Bits of bacon, probably in a cannoli. I would chug. This is a whole different thing. And then I saw one that was a good idea. Bacon cannoli. See, again, are you sure you're not talking about. It's called a bacon cannoli. But one of the things she just had up there, it was bacon.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's what I had.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but the filling was not canoli. It wasn't cannoli cheese. It was. It was.

[Bobby Kelly]

I ate it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was. One of them says it's jalapeno, like, popper filling.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was cannoli filling. Fresh, Fresh cannoli filling.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yuck.

[Bobby Kelly]

Fresh cannoli filling, which was creamy and sweet and a piece of bacon wrapped. That was the shell. And it was good for a bite and a half. And then you're like, this is. I'm gonna die. I'm just gonna die. And it was after I ate all the. The burger and the ice cream. So that might have had something to do with.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Could have in hindsight.

[Commercial Announcer 2]

So.

[Bobby Kelly]

So I didn't shit. I didn't shit Friday. I didn't shit Saturday.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sunday's coming along. Still not pooping.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Patriots too.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know. I didn't because I was sick. Well, Sunday, I was upset. My stomach was upset. And I'm like, oh, it's the bacon. It's the bacon. But I'm like, oh, I haven't pooed. So Don made me some kid poo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Drink Duke tea.

[Bobby Kelly]

She made me duke smoothie. She made me a dookie smoothie.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A Duke smoothie.

[Bobby Kelly]

She made me a dookie smoothie, which fucked me up worse for some reason.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Couldn't still.

[Bobby Kelly]

It just. Yeah, that started happening when my stomach was just talking and I was hurt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Smoothie was just castor oil and butter.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I started getting really sick and hurting. And then I went into the bathroom. I'm like, I gotta try. And I went in, I sat there, and nothing was coming out. I was trying. Nothing came out. My stomach was hurting.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Were you doing things you start, like leaning forward and really trying to mush?

[Bobby Kelly]

I had the squatty potty.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you do the thing where you pull each ass cheek individually open and let the seat then do the work to make your asshole be really, really far open? Yes. Black Lew, a question. Do the thing where you sometimes spray the water from the bidet up your Ass to loosen it up.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I haven't done that yet, but I've thought of doing that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've done all the above. Yeah, you kind of. You ever see when they mine the side of the mountain with the hose?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's what it's doing. It usually gets up in there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I get the concept. I think I'd like to try it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You gotta learn to open your asshole, though, like a dolphin.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know how to open my asshole, Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right? I'm just saying, you gotta have asshole control. You come at me weird right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know that? I can control my asshole.

[Bobby Kelly]

My asshole right now, as we speak, is wide open. And wait, wait, wait. It's closed. Wait.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, I can't do that, but I can do this. It's winking right now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at right. Look at right now. Open. It's open.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're holding it open.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's closed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All right, hang on. It's open. Hang on. It's closed.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, wait. It's open. Oh, no. There you go. Okay, now it's closed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now I'm doing the thing again where I'm making it go like. I bet if you saw my ass right now, it'll be going, like, sucking in.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, mine is. I can do it. But here's the thing. I did that. I used the bidet, the squatty potty. I rub my stomach in. In clockwise, counterclockwise. I did all the shit tricks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I've never heard of a clockwise or counterclockwise making a difference.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, when you rub. You kind of rubbing your intestines, trying to mush it down.

[Dawn]

It still hasn't happened.

[Bobby Kelly]

So. No, what happened was. So then I'm like, it's not happening. I'm bummed out. I just go lie in bed on my side because I'm so accepted. I'm in pain. Dawn comes in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She goes, man, I just took the biggest shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. She goes, you all right? I go, I can't shit. I. I need to take a shit. I can't. And she goes in the bathroom. She goes, you shit. I go, I didn't shit, honey. I can't. I have to. She goes, there's shit in the toilet. You shit. And then she flushes it. She goes, you pooed. I go, I didn't shit. She goes, you did. I didn't shit. I go, max, did you shit? He goes, no. She goes, you shit. I go, I know when I shit, honey, we got into this big fight. She's like, there was shit in the toilet. I go, I didn't shit. I know when shit comes out of my asshole. I did not shit. I have to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The conversation sucks to have with the person you're supposed to be attracted to.

[Bobby Kelly]

We got into a big fight. She's insisting that I shit. And there was poop in the toilet. When I know. I was there for 20 minutes trying to push. I know when shit comes out of my ass.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

No shit came out. Nothing relieved the pain. I felt nothing come out. I did all I could do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So she tried the placebo effect. You and just let you think you shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't. Like now I'm at the point where I'm like. Am I. Am I at that stage of life.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Where you can't tell?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know if I shit or not. Like now I'm fucked up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You didn't hear Plops?

[Bobby Kelly]

No plops. No feeling. No nothing. So I'm like. I know when I shit. I've a lot in my life. And there was nothing. Nothing came out. And she insists. Insist we'll call it right now. Insist.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'd like to call her the bottom of this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Insists that I. And I'm. I'm at the point where I'm like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are you having an awkward thing where you're like. I'm. I'm living with a liar who looks me right in the face and lies about my own turds.

[Bobby Kelly]

That it's like you're either lying to me or you took a shit or somebody shit in the house. I didn't shit. I didn't. I didn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And it was. How long was it from you getting up?

[Bobby Kelly]

Five minutes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not even five minutes later after you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Were in the bathroom in the bed lying on my side in pain. In pain. Give the phone to your mom. Please. I got to talk to her really important.

[Dawn]

I don't know what her motivation would be.

[Bobby Kelly]

I did. My. Dawn.

[Dawn]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. I. I'm having a problem with.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You on a radio show.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're on a radio show on the bonfire.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

On your radio show.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're on my radio show with Big J. Okerson.

[Dawn (on phone)]

Is this appropriate or inappropriate?

[Bobby Kelly]

I just got to ask you a question. I need you to answer me honestly.

[Dawn (on phone)]

Do I have to turn the volume down?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes. You do. You have to put me on regular.

[Dawn]

Yes.

[Dawn (on phone)]

But he can still hear.

[Bobby Kelly]

Turn the volume down. I know. Turn the volume down.

[Commercial Announcer 2]

Okay.

[Dawn (on phone)]

Go ahead.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dawn. I. I didn't. And you're saying that I.

[Dawn (on phone)]

You did.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dawn. I have to have you be honest with me. Did you. And not flush and then I came in and What?

[Dawn (on phone)]

I did not.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean I came in and went to try to like. Did you leave a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You just think you sat over her?

[Bobby Kelly]

Did I sit in the bed? Yes.

[Dawn (on phone)]

Smelled in the bathroom and I was like phew. And I looked in the toilet and there was poop in there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Was it from you though? Earlier that day? It wasn't from me, but Dawn, I.

[Dawn (on phone)]

So I flushed it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How could you forget you went to the bathroom?

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you taking her side?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I'm just asking how. It's an impossibility.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's an impossibility that I. And I. I know I didn't. It's not funny like I.

[Dawn (on phone)]

You went to the bathroom.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you prove this? Could you prove this?

[Dawn (on phone)]

Bathroom. Did you and I didn't go to the bathroom.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you go Bobby and wipe your ass right after to prove it?

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't wipe. I didn't wipe my ass, Jay, because there was no.

[Dawn (on phone)]

There's toilet paper.

[Bobby Kelly]

I bidet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There was toilet paper.

[Dawn]

You didn't even know. Remember You. You wiped her ass.

[Bobby Kelly]

I, I, I, I, I know how.

[Dawn (on phone)]

To use the toilet. And wipes her own butt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's condescending. She's doing that.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's very condescending. And that's. I'm trying to. To really deal with this with you.

[Dawn (on phone)]

You didn't remember.

[Bobby Kelly]

How do I forget?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know, but that's concerning.

[Bobby Kelly]

What did the.

[Dawn (on phone)]

Didn't feel it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I ask you a question? And this is serious. I'm not being.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I cannot hitch my wagon you on this show for years if you are losing your mind enough to not know when you or not.

[Bobby Kelly]

I didn't. Jay. I didn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This show. This show's got a ten year plan, buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is. What? What did the. Was the. What did it look like? Was it little.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me guess. Brown?

[Dawn (on phone)]

It looked like small snakes in the toilet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, Bob. You take little girl shits now? We know that Bobby takes girl shits.

[Bobby Kelly]

Small snakes. Like what type of. Like a garden snake.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's cuz you're tight ass snakes. It's cuz that tight ass those girls always yell out the windows about.

[Dawn]

Dawn all bacon numbed your ass.

[Bobby Kelly]

I swear to God I didn't honey. And it's me up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You did.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know when I. I didn't. I know when I.

[Dawn (on phone)]

You were in the bathroom.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, correct.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bathroom. In your bedroom.

[Dawn (on phone)]

Soon after you left the bathroom. You went to the bedroom.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, cuz I was in pain.

[Dawn (on phone)]

Into the bathroom.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, I was in the bed and.

[Dawn (on phone)]

It was in the toilet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby And I.

[Dawn (on phone)]

And I flushed it because who leaves.

[Bobby Kelly]

In the toilet someone who didn't? I didn't. Maybe I sat over your.

[Dawn (on phone)]

From earlier.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't go, Bobby, do you not look in the bowl before? I've never in my life accidentally shat. Sat on someone else's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Unflushed because I was in pain. I knew I didn't. I just got up. Kind of like this is bumming me out.

[Dawn]

She said it stunk, so it's not. It's not hers.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Dawn]

I did.

[Dawn (on phone)]

You went to the bathroom, Don.

[Bobby Kelly]

I do not remember. I did not feel the. I don't remember shitting. I didn't.

[Dawn]

I didn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't currently have butt. Do you have, like, shitty ass right now? You didn't wipe then.

[Dawn (on phone)]

No, you did.

[Bobby Kelly]

I. I wiped water. I bidet and I tapped. I just cleaned the water. And there was nothing on the water.

[Jacob]

Maybe you're just so.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, nothing on the toilet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So maybe while you were bideying, stuff was coming out your little snakes. No, because your little shit snakes out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Of your little tiny tootsie would have felt it. Number one, you would have felt it.

[Dawn (on phone)]

Maybe you had so much water going in your butt that you didn't feel it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know. No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cuz maybe you've gotten so uptight that your butthole can't make regular people.

[Dawn (on phone)]

I'm sure that happens to him sometimes when he uses the bidet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, nice.

[Dawn]

I couldn't feel it. It just feels like opened it up. Just opens it up in the bidet is the best.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can you ask Max if he. If it was him who in the toilet and left it.

[Dawn (on phone)]

Max, did you poop in the toilet last night? Remember when I went in and I said, did you?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No one's taking the blame, Bob.

[Bobby Kelly]

Somebody broke in and in our house.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

In the five minutes that you left the bathroom, it's the same person that.

[Dawn (on phone)]

Comes in and steals the remote.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, man, she is getting you good on the air. I like this. All right, listen, dawn, come be third mic.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna have to be. I'm gonna have. We're gonna have to talk about this later because I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why don't you work.

[Dawn (on phone)]

There's nothing more to talk about.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right?

[Dawn (on phone)]

You didn't remember. You didn't feel it. You're going crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

How do I not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Good. Good detective work.

[Jacob]

You're obviously a lunatic.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Damn, Bobby.

[Jacob]

Maybe you were just so bound up that you. But it didn't feel better.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Or maybe your butthole's so loose, poops just fall out because you do so much gay stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but why would it be tight little snakes.

[Dawn]

It wasn't the satisfying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but maybe it was like. But maybe you know, see, when someone throws like a bag of baby snakes, like it maybe like a bazillion baby snakes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Buddy. I would have. I swear to God to you. Jay, look at me in the eyes. I swear to God to you. I did not. I. I did not feel the. I felt no relief from. I didn't feel the. In my bum. I used the bidet. I did every trick.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then on hard blast. Right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hardest blast.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So I'm saying that's probably because here's the thing. While you were.

[Dawn]

You.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You suck in and you push out while you bidet right on those push outs. Probably a couple of snakes just flew out. Man.

[Dawn]

Bobby, to quote the great Richard Dreyfus, you took a shit. Not the. That's the problem.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was a great quote.

[Dawn]

Thank you.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just not feeling at all.

[Jacob]

It's pretty.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pretty weird.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's nuts to me that and I. It's. It's like do. I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Was there jalapenos or something in this food? Maybe if somebody was numbing your ass on the way out.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't think so. I had a bacon cannoli. I had a 50. 50 bacon half meat burger. I had bacon ice cream.

[Jacob]

Throw up. It's bacon. As far as the ice cream, if I'm gonna.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna feel that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, the canola, you're gonna feel. That's probably still whole. Yeah, that's coming out just like that. Oh, except those aren't chocolate chips.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. I mean, it's just. It's baffling to me. Either. I'm either I. And I didn't know. I. And I forgot that I. Which is scary to me because that means I shit and forgot it either.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dementia. I.

[Bobby Kelly]

What'd you say?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You have dementia. I think this is the beginning of the end of your family. I think we're. I think we're witnessing the very beginning of the. Your family starting to slowly unravel as everyone keeps blaming you. Now, here's the other thing. Bobby. I didn't want to say this when she was on the phone.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay. Because I'm afraid of her.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay. I'm afraid of her too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's from Boston. You said she could fight.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, she can.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So I think I'd beat her up.

[Bobby Kelly]

You would. But it would be a fight.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Definitely be a fight.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't have it. Yeah. I don't want to, like even have to explain a black eye in a fight that I won as a chick did it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. And you don't want to be like, what happened to your eye? Oh, Don, punch me in the face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Don fucking slugs me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stupid fucking. Why do you have a patch of hair missing off your pubes? Oh, Don, rip them out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Grab the pubes.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's still. She's dead but she still has a fist of your pubes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, grabbing a guy by his fucking top dick fucking pubes and holding him hostage is funny as hell. Like.

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[Bobby Kelly]

This show is sponsored by Better Help. Guess what? This year I'm letting go of resentment. That's a big one because I got a lot of them. I hold them like tickets and and then when you cross me, I stick it in your face. But I'm done. I'm letting it go. A new year is a new opportunity to feel lighter and you don't have to become a new person to do it. Signing up for therapy with BetterHelp can shine a light on what's been weighing you down and illuminate possibilities for the year ahead. BetterHelp handles the initial therapist matching work for you. Just take a short questionnaire to share your needs and preferences. And thanks to BetterHelp's industry leading match fulfillment rate, they usually get your match right the first time. And if your match isn't right, it just doesn't fit. Switching to a different therapist is easy. Let BetterHelp provide you an unbiased perspective on your life. You can't take steps into a lighter version of yourself without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Therapy can help you clear space, sign up and get 10% off. Betterhelp.combonfire that's better h e l p.combonfire.

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[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

Make you go crazy? She might be taking shits and then saying it's you because she wants you to lose your mind.

[Bobby Kelly]

She might have not even seen the and said you did because she. I'll tell you what dawn doesn't like. She hates more than anything. Weakness in men. She hates it. She hates it. She hates it. She's a. She's from the 80s. Her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, all her brother dries up Jacob's pussy too. Weakness in men.

[Bobby Kelly]

She hates it when I get sick. She doesn't want to fucking. I remember I yelled at her one night because I was puking really bad. I had the flu. I was dying in the bathroom and she was just in the bed and I went, dawn. She's like, what? I go, are you going to ask if I'm okay or come in. She goes, you good? I went, no. I go, come and rub my back. She goes, why? You're puking?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, don't you also remember just moments ago when she called you a liar? And then also at the very end of it, when you were down and feeling already pretty low about yourself, trying to come to grips with the fact that maybe you forgot you not five minutes before you finish or five minutes after you finish, and then came in there and goes, oh, it's probably where you lose the remote. Also, you dumb. She really doubled down. She really put her foot. She would put a boot on Your neck on the end of that day.

[Bobby Kelly]

That'd be funny if I did have a remote in my ass. And that's why I'm not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's where the remote setting goes. Han, two problems solved. Got the remote.

[Bobby Kelly]

Anyways, I don't, I don't know what to do about it. And I'm, I'm a little like, I can't. I fought about it. I don't want to be like old Bobby would have been like, go yourself. I didn't go off. You're lying.

[Dawn]

You still feel like you have to really?

[Bobby Kelly]

But I just, I, I, Well, I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You feel a little relief a little bit.

[Bobby Kelly]

Today I had another shake. One of those awful shakes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, well, it's because you shit a little yesterday.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I didn't, I didn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's not what your entire family tells me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but somebody's lying in my house, Bobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You understand, as your friend, I'm here to take your side. I want to be on your side.

[Bobby Kelly]

You should be on my side.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When your entire family is showing non stop evidence that you are slowly but surely losing your mind. Bruce Willis style. It's up to me, your friend, to keep you in line, Bobby. Yeah, you.

[Bobby Kelly]

What about my friend who sticks by me and goes, it was one of them who forgot?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I'll be that guy. It's Max. Your son's a goddamn criminal.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't think Don might have shit and not flushed?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, let me tell you this.

[Bobby Kelly]

Me neither.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me tell you.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's absolutely.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let me tell you this. Let me tell you this.

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Little, little snake shits.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's not Max.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pretty girly.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not Max.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's pretty girly.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not Max. Because Max shits out boots.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember? Yeah, they all have like. They're like Tetris blocks. It's. But they never go down, right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, his shit's a fucking.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not one of them are lines. They're all like fucking. They're isosceles triangles.

[Bobby Kelly]

One of his shits this summer came out of the toilet bowl onto the seat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's how big it was.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a. Ooh. But it's also like. Holy.

[Dawn]

Wow.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's fucking bad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's exclusively. Ew.

[Jacob]

Less protein.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's very impressive.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You gotta stop giving your son protein shakes. He's 12.

[Bobby Kelly]

I gotta stop having him hang out with older men.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Max, make us both a whey protein drink.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep. Well, I don't know, dude. I'm, I'm Baffled. I'm baffled legitimately. Not for the bit, not for anything. I am not doing this to have something. It's. I didn't shit. And she's saying I took a shit and she saw it, but yet no evidence of the shit. Why, when I say I didn't shit, would she flush it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She was already. She was already in the action.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why? If you. I think you're.

[Jacob]

I don't want to smell it anymore. It's disgusting.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that plays. That plays into, like, what Jay said, which is a good theory if we're gonna go with a theory here. She's trying to make me go crazy. She's trying to get me to think that I'm a. I'm losing my mind. To weaken me. To weaken my arguments, to weaken my manhood and take your money and just be the guy who shits and doesn't know it. And I. Maybe. So every argument now that she says you did it, I'd be like, maybe I did because I don't know when I shit. Why would I know where I put my car keys?

[Jacob]

I think it's a long game.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a. It's like China. It's a long game. And. And. And maybe she's playing it to fucking weaken me, to make me feel like I'm. I don't. I'm not what I was. The fuck are you laughing at, dude? It's your theory.

[Jacob]

How have you not.

[Bobby Kelly]

Shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think she. Listen, the next working theory to you forgot that you shit is that dawn is doing a completely thought out, premeditated, systematic plan.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's correct.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Take everything from you.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's correct.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's correct. That's exactly what. What I'm saying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay. All right.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's what I'm saying.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Then. I am with you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, great. Because somebody has to be with it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Was one of those two.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because here's the deal, Jay. If we find out. And I will find out, you should.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Get to the bottom of this.

[Bobby Kelly]

If I get to the bottom of this and I find out that something did happen, one of them did do it. One of them. It was her something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wouldn't this be less fun if you had ring video cameras in the house? This is why it's better, though.

[Dawn]

Install them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, the.

[Bobby Kelly]

Install them in the toilets.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, if you had them in the house, there's no fun of this. You just have it. You just have a culprit right out of the gates. Let's just go to the tape. Boo. I like solving this. Bobby. May. We may watch when we go through this whole roller coaster, at the very end of it, Bobby may have come to the realization, holy. I. Or it's like Jacob's ladder. He's like, I never left nom.

[Bobby Kelly]

What if Dawn's some dude? And he's like, I can't. I cannot. I got little snake shits. And she's like, that's fine. That's all I need.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just go in there. I'll blame him on this idiot. Yeah. Oh, so you think she's a guy who's got little snake shits?

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, she's known that I had, like. I was at Friday, Saturday, Sunday, I was. I was like, I'm a little backed up. That's why she gave me the poop juice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

What's that? I get the poop. Why. Why not a laxative at some point?

[Bobby Kelly]

Because laxative, they're very bad for you.

[Dawn]

Don't go.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, they're very. They're very bad.

[Jacob]

Senna's natural.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's that?

[Dawn]

Seneca.

[Jacob]

It's center roots. Like, what's in.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I mean, look, I. What I've been doing. Eating protein a lot. Protein shakes. Just steak this week. I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Have you thought about putting on your dookie shoes? You want to put on your.

[Travel Texas Announcer]

Your.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your.

[Bobby Kelly]

Your.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Your dookie shoes and dookie with you?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know, bro. It's. It's freaking me out, and it's. It's. It's a something that I'm like, I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don'T understand why it should freak you out. You're living with enemies you're living among. You're sleeping next to an enemy. Yeah, she's got it in for you. And I'll tell you what, she's probably doing some kind of weird, like, poisoning you with some kind of, like, fucking at night when you fall asleep.

[Bobby Kelly]

What if the. What if the shake she's been making me, the protein shakes actually have binding something in it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tail as old as time, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

And the shake.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They always do the protein shake, that little tumbler thing that you shake up your stuff in. Those are made to kill husbands.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, maybe. She's making me bound up. Had this plant. Okay, here it is. I tell her. I told her I'm going to stay off the carbs this week. I want to really get into it, play that music. I'm into it. I'm like. She's like, okay, great. Here's my shot. He's going to be doing protein shakes around two or three times a day. She does make me and Max a protein shake every morning. But Guess what? Max is in a separate cup.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, wow.

[Bobby Kelly]

Mine's in some other little smaller cup.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The one that hides bleach best.

[Bobby Kelly]

Or maybe constipation cream. If that's a thing.

[Dawn]

You're having too much liquid dairy with.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, Jacob, please. I'm trying to figure out if. Trying to figure out constipation cream's a thing. I just don't want to lose my thought there. Constipation cream is. Christine, look at. Don't look at it. It's not a thing. Constipation, Jacob. So now your thing. I'm sorry.

[Bobby Kelly]

Constipation juice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Dawn]

Mine was foolish.

[Jacob]

It'd be like anti diarrheal.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, maybe. Maybe there's something that's hardening.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Anti diarrhea. Oh, she's giving you anti diarrheal.

[Bobby Kelly]

But that would make you never shit with the protein. The Harding of the stool. She made me a steak. I have mistake. Big juicy steak. Then I went and had bacon fest all.

[Dawn]

It's too much.

[Jacob]

I mean, you did this your.

[Commercial Announcer 3]

Did you say.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you say the hardening of the stool? Did you call your stool?

[Dawn]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is like you're in med school.

[Jacob]

Just buy this. Take three.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Smooth move.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't. What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I got to come.

[Jacob]

Bobby, just take. Go get it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't want to. My pants on the way in your pants. I've almost done it a couple times.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why? It's sponsored by jb. Smooth. Smooth move.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a smooth.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You got to go in there and take a shit. That was a decent change.

[Bobby Kelly]

That was a really. I. I was gonna do one, but it would have sounded racist, so I. I backed out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I have to take a. Just make it an African guy. He's black, right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Travel Texas Announcer]

Dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think maybe she. Maybe she planned this, man. Then she knew, and then I was going to have a stomach thing. She gave me the poop shake. Not a poop shake. It's actually a more constant. That's why I felt. I didn't feel relief. I felt more pain. And then I go in there, and as soon as I go lie in the bed, who comes walking? Why would. Why would you go into the bathroom first instead of coming to the bedroom? Come into the bedroom. Are you all right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She. She gave a reason. She said she came into the bedroom and smelled.

[Jacob]

Yeah, I've never seen shit in a toilet and investigated. I've just flushed it immediately because you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don'T have fucking investigation in you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I flush immediate immediately because I know it's Christine's. It's only two people.

[Jacob]

Yeah, it's. Oh, it's Jay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I never leave my in the toilet.

[Bobby Kelly]

I never do too. I'm. I go in. I. I flush. I'm good.

[Jacob]

Sometimes when you would overdo it on the wipes, it would come back up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Never. You might get a clogged toilet wipes or something or there might be some white, but the shit's gone. The shit's two flushes before.

[Jacob]

That's true.

[Bobby Kelly]

See, now see that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's how you break somebody down with fact.

[Bobby Kelly]

I need to break dawn down with that type of fact.

[Jacob]

Don's not as damaged as me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What is damage as.

[Jacob]

You can't do that.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Dawn (on phone)]

You can't break.

[Jacob]

You're doing a lot of somersaults. To not be wrong though.

[Bobby Kelly]

All women are damaged.

[Jacob]

They're certainly flipping and twirling around to not just go, oh, maybe I shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no. Because could you find yourself, yourself admitting that if you have zero recollection of it?

[Jacob]

Zero.

[Bobby Kelly]

And that's the problem. You don't think that if I had a little poop come out or felt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A little something, I'd be like, oh, wow, a nugget. Oh, thank God, something's starting to happen.

[Bobby Kelly]

Something, something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, so then speaking of, I forgot to tell you, we don't have to do it today.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There is a new Farrah Abraham shitting video you could find.

[Jacob]

No, there's not.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, she again, I can't. It's going to make me jealous.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know. That's what made me think of it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, look at that log. What if that helps me?

[Dawn]

Shit.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Here's the thing. It's not. I will tell you a lot, like a lot of things. The sequel's not as good.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not the carnival game that she did before.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The original one was she knocked down the clown. The two straight foot of shit is always going to be the keeper here. This is a masturbation video from like a shot from like, it's on the floor. And when she starts for the last minute, while she's coming her keeps puckering up and then she shits a couple little shits on the floor and then picks up the phone. And then what's funny about is she stays in the character of like, you know, trying to make somebody turned on. Who's one who was buying this from her and she's just like, oh my God.

[Jacob]

I just.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

On my phone, it's like, what? That's what's gonna happen now. Every time I come, I'M gonna shit on my phone. And then she has to goes. Anyway, I go to parent teacher conferences. So I'll see you guys. See you later, horn dogs.

[Dawn]

I fortunately had to film. I. I had to. I actually filmed a video today.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Dawn]

On the subway.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh. Track. Oh, yeah.

[Dawn]

To it tomorrow.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Speaking.

[Dawn]

But live.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Dawn]

I mean in. In the broad daylight on the out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't show it. Don't show us because I won't show us. I want to see it fresh tomorrow.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's so fun, Bobby.

[Dawn]

This guy had no problem.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, of course they don't. He's eating rats. He's eating rats and liquor.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, there's no bacon in that.

[Dawn]

Nobody, nobody ever lied. Everyone said, yes, you, Bobby likes to. This guy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby would try rat bacon. This is rat bacon.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm just saying if, you know, I know everybody listening is gonna be like, you, him, you. She's right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, I don't know if they're gonna be that, you know, him. He's him.

[Bobby Kelly]

But what if. What if I didn't? And what if there's something more nefarious?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think we gotta get to the bottom of it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't think you should let it go until you have a jarring memory of going, oh my God, I'm. Something's happening. My brain. I need some fucking. Some products from on it. Maybe some Alpha Brain or mega Joe Rogan products. Yeah, yeah. Joe Rogan. If you're listening and I have. No, you don't need to do that. I have my own thing. I'm my own boss now. So I go out there and I build my team of Joe Rogan people who have Joe Rogan supplements. And then those people build their teams and on and on and on.

[Jacob]

Right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pyramid esque, if I describe it in shape.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. So hey, let me take a sip of my body. Bring coffee.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

God, with a couple of shills.

[Bobby Kelly]

What were you saying?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Was that Jacob of Reebok?

[Bobby Kelly]

No, Jay. What were you saying about starting your own pyramid scheme? We gotta take a sip of this. Hang on. I feel my tea going up right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh my God. You're your own boss. Look at you drink that. You're your own boss.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have to shit right now. Really funny.

[Jacob]

If it wasn't multi level marketing programming is getting us all a stellar.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I am. I really am. I am my own.

[Bobby Kelly]

Really. We really do work for Lewis.

[Jacob]

We're herbalifeing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, we are.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I am my own boss of Body Brain Coffee. Because I sell you this for selling. And I haven't made a Dime yet. And I figure that's because we're waiting for the company to get into the red, you know what I mean?

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's that? You want to stick your finger in my button, swirl it around so you can loosen up Bobby's dookies? Show me how you're gonna do it. Show them how you're gonna do it. Look, Bobby. Look at that. That's going to loosen your dookies.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'd love to have that little finger in my butt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, the scraper.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Well, get the pills, Bobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We'll be back tomorrow. Oh, Bobby. Also, I want to show you what I brought today.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, what'd you bring?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just in case things, you know, went a little haywire. Got to make sure I always have.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is it a dildo gun?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nope.

[Bobby Kelly]

You got it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My little mega babe.

[Bobby Kelly]

You mega babe. Oh, you're my mega babe. I wonder if I put that in my ass. It will help me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It might. Yeah. All right. Now we gotta go. God damn. We'll catch you guys tomorrow on the bonfire. Welcome back to the week.

[Travel Texas Announcer]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

Pools.

[Travel Texas Announcer]

And picky eaters will clean their plates. This is your invitation to visit Texas and see it for yourself. Visit traveltexas.com and plan your family's trip today. Let's Texas Gas Gifts tolls.

[Bobby Kelly]

This holiday trip is draining my wallet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but we'll get to see all our family.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're festive.

[Jacob]

What's your deal?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's my deal? Holiday savings at Metro. I got one line of 5G for just $25 per month. And I kept the phone I love and no activation fees and a five year price guarantee on my top text and data detour to Metro.

[Bobby Kelly]

It is get that more for your.

[Commercial Announcer]

Money feeling only at Metro by T Mobile.

[Jacob]

It's $30 your first month or without.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Autopay price guarantee Exclusion supply.

[Jacob]

See cipher details.