Podcast Summary: The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: "The Phantom Poop"
Date: January 6, 2026
Hosts: Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly
Guest/Cameo: Dawn (Bobby’s wife), Jacob

Episode Overview

This episode centers on Bobby Kelly’s hilarious and unsettling struggle with severe constipation and the mysterious appearance of "phantom poop" in his household toilet. Through blunt, often crude banter, Big Jay and Bobby examine the mystery, debate the evidence, and speculate whether Bobby has lost control of his bowels—or his sanity—while mixing in classic Bonfire riffs about food, family, and bodily functions. Dawn, Bobby’s wife, joins the call to defend her version of events, escalating the comedic whodunit. The show’s signature is raw, honest (sometimes gross) humor, playful antagonism, and an authentically unfiltered look at everyday absurdity.

Key Discussion Points & Breakdown

1. Recapping Bobby’s Weekend of Indulgence

• Bobby recounts his busy weekend:

  • Halloween shows in Emmaus Theater (“Emmanuel’s Theater” mishap, [01:35]).
  • Attending a bacon festival, sampling strange bacon treats: bacon cannoli, bacon maple ice cream, & the festival-only “50/50” burger (50% bacon, 50% beef).
  • “It was the juiciest, tastiest burger... the best burger I’ve ever had in my life.” – Bobby ([04:06]).

• Big Jay and Bobby debate bacon-based foods:

  • Jay’s horror at bacon and sweets combo, especially bacon cannoli:
    • “I get the salty and sweet, but not fatty meat and chocolate.” – Jay ([03:22])
  • Bobby admits bacon cannoli is “good for one bite, then you gotta toss it.”

2. Bobby’s Constipation Crisis

• Bobby confesses: He hasn’t pooped in three days ([06:08]):

  • The repercussions of a bacon-heavy diet—but, as Bobby notes, he’s suffering:
    • “My incident is this... I haven’t shit in three days.” – Bobby
    • They joke about bacon cannoli becoming part of his bloodstream: “You are now 8% bacon cannoli.” – Jay ([06:49])

• Efforts to resolve constipation:

  • Dawn makes him a “dookie smoothie” (fruit, fiber, etc.)—doesn’t work.
  • Describes trying all tricks: bidet, squatty potty, massaging stomach (“I did all the shit tricks,” [09:19]).

• Graphic but funny details on the “mechanics” of pushing out a poop:

  • Includes explicit banter about bidets, squatting techniques, and alleged advanced butthole control.
    • “[My] asshole right now, as we speak, is wide open... and wait... it’s closed. Wait.” – Bobby ([09:44])
    • “I can make it go like, suck in...” – Jay ([10:14])

3. The Phantom Poop Mystery

• The core mystery unfolds:

  • After much effort, Bobby gives up, lies in bed, still uncomfortable. Dawn examines the bathroom and insists he pooped—there’s poop in the toilet.
    • “She goes, you shit. I go, I didn’t shit, honey. I can’t... She goes, there’s shit in the toilet. You shit.” – Bobby ([10:53])
  • Bobby swears he didn’t, felt no relief, didn’t wipe. Dawn is certain he did. Max (his son) denies pooping.

• On-air confrontation: Bobby vs. Dawn ([13:09]):

  • Bobby calls Dawn, trying to suss out the truth.
  • Dawn: "I went in the bathroom and there was poop. I flushed it."
  • Bobby: “I didn’t shit. I know when I shit, honey, we got into this big fight.”
  • Dawn insists the poop looked like “small snakes” ([15:36]), causing Jay and the crew to riff that Bobby “takes little girl shits now.”

4. Escalating Paranoia & Relationship Riffs

• Bobby spirals into self-doubt:

  • Wonders if he can trust his own body or memory (“Am I at that stage of life where you can’t tell if you shit or not?” – Bobby, [12:08])
  • Jay jokes about dementia and Bobby’s family “slowly unraveling” ([20:03]).

• Suspicions and wild theories arise:

  • Jay suggests maybe Dawn is gaslighting Bobby on purpose:
    • “She might be taking shits and then saying it’s you because she wants you to lose your mind.” – Jay ([24:15])
    • Bobby: “She hates weakness in men... she's from the 80s...” ([24:35])
  • Bobby, tongue-in-cheek, comes to believe in a larger marital conspiracy to undermine him (“I think it’s a long game... she’s trying to weaken me,” [28:36]).

• Discussion on plausible explanations:

  • Maybe it’s all due to too much protein and not enough fiber.
  • Jacob, ever logical, suggests Senna or “Smooth Move” tea.
  • They riff on poop shape, family members’ habits, and childhood poop stories.

5. Classic Bonfire Tangents

• Deadpan banter on marital fights, masculinity, and aging:

  • “She doubled down. She really put a boot on your neck on that day.” – Jay ([25:05])
  • Jokes about being afraid of Dawn physically (“She’s from Boston—you said she can fight.” – Jay ([20:21]))

• Wild, off-color humor:

  • Riffs on having the “hardening of the stool,” the mechanics of pooping, and laxative products.
  • Discussions about “rat bacon” after seeing subway footage of a man on the tracks ([36:23]), the worst foods in New York, and the dangers of protein shakes.

6. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On phantom pooping:

  • “I'd like to call her [Dawn] to get to the bottom of this.” – Jay ([12:27])
  • “You're either lying to me or you took a shit or somebody shit in the house. I didn't shit.” – Bobby ([12:40])
  • “It looked like small snakes in the toilet.” – Dawn ([15:36])
  • “Damn, Bobby. Maybe you were so bound up that you... but it didn't feel better.” – Jacob ([18:26])
  • “Your family’s slowly unraveling as everyone keeps blaming you.” – Jay ([20:03])
  • "She's trying to get me to think I'm losing my mind. To weaken me. To weaken my arguments, to weaken my manhood..." – Bobby ([28:01])

• On bacon fest:

  • “A bacon cannoli is good for one bite, and then you have to toss it.” – Bobby ([03:40])
  • “It tasted like little foreskins inside.” – Bobby ([03:48])

• On the bidet:

  • “You gotta learn to open your asshole... like a dolphin.” – Bobby ([09:33])
  • “I know how to control my asshole, Bobby.” – Jay ([09:35])

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|-------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:46 | Show starts - Jay & Bobby open with banter | | 01:26 | Bobby recaps gigs, Emmaus Theater, bacon fest begins | | 03:00 | Bacon festival food debate | | 06:08 | Bobby reveals constipation crisis | | 07:59 | Graphic details on attempts to poop, bidet & squatty potty | | 10:53 | The "phantom poop" incident with Dawn | | 13:09 | On-air call: Bobby confronts Dawn about the toilet mystery | | 15:36 | Dawn describes "small snakes" in the toilet | | 20:03 | Jay jokes about dementia/unraveling family | | 24:15 | Gaslighting theory: Dawn possibly plotting revenge | | 28:36 | Bobby speculates about a "long game" to undermine him | | 34:44 | More poop talk; bidet & bathroom etiquette riffs | | 35:03 | Farrah Abraham shitting video tangent |

The Bonfire's Signature Tone

• Unfiltered, blue-collar bodily humor
• Relatable domestic absurdities
• Friendly antagonism and self-deprecation
• Willingness to dive into the gross or taboo—always with a wink

Conclusion

"The Phantom Poop" is a quintessential Bonfire episode—gross, hilarious, and underpinned by real friendship. The episode’s core is an absurd debate about a mysterious poop, made laugh-out-loud through the hosts’ honesty and escalation. Bobby’s blend of indignation and paranoia, Jay’s relentless teasing, and the call-in appearance by Dawn create a uniquely comedic whodunnit, all tied together with riffs on food, family, and aging.

Best closing quote:
“She’s trying to get me to think that I’m losing my mind... to weaken my arguments, to weaken my manhood...” – Bobby Kelly ([28:01])

This episode is perfect for listeners who love raw, real, and riotously funny glimpses into the private (and sometimes disgusting) lives of stand-up comics and their families.