Touching Bobby

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly Episode: Touching Bobby | Release Date: July 4, 2025

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Introduction and Initial Banter (00:00 - 03:00)

The episode kicks off with the hosts, Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, engaging in their trademark humorous banter. They set a playful and irreverent tone, immediately drawing listeners into their candid and humorous dynamic.

• Big Jay (00:43): "Typically takes 15 days."
• Robert Kelly (02:10): "I don't know the lyrics."

Tattoo Talk and Identity Concerns (03:00 - 10:00)

The conversation shifts to the topic of tattoos and how they affect personal identity and privacy. Big Jay humorously laments how his extensive tattoos make it difficult to remain incognito, especially in certain social settings.

• Big Jay (03:09): "Maybe get a profile. You can see my crazy long eyelashes."
• DJ Lou (05:22): "We can't venture out anymore. There's too many identifying marks."

Navigating Social Spaces and Privacy (10:00 - 20:00)

Big Jay and DJ Lou discuss the challenges of maintaining privacy in places like cigar lounges and massage parlors. They joke about the presence of cameras and the difficulty of enjoying certain activities without drawing attention.

• DJ Lou (06:45): "They all have cameras in all these places."
• Big Jay (08:05): "They can't even venture into trying stuff because of too many tattoos."

Gender, Sexuality, and Humor (20:00 - 30:00)

The hosts delve into topics surrounding gender and sexuality with their characteristic humor. They touch upon trans issues and make playful remarks about their own experiences and interactions.

• DJ Lou (18:40): "What's not to love, baby? Try it."
• Big Jay (19:14): "You like that. And the girl over to the right. So you like the smaller girls now?"

Hair, Wigs, and Reality TV Commentary (30:00 - 40:00)

A significant portion of the episode focuses on hairstyles, wigs, and their portrayal in reality TV shows like "Bad Girls Club." Big Jay and DJ Lou critique the exaggerated behaviors and appearances of participants, blending sharp observations with humor.

• Big Jay (31:03): "None of them know how to fight."
• DJ Lou (34:23): "They have honor. They have street honor."

Pop Culture References and Character Analysis (40:00 - 50:00)

The conversation shifts to analyzing popular culture icons and fictional characters. They discuss superheroes and villains, offering their unique takes on figures like Lex Luthor and Superman, blending humor with pop culture critique.

• Big Jay (53:03): "I see Superman as an alien invasion."
• DJ Lou (54:25): "He works for game day every Wednesday."

Personal Anecdotes and Hypothetical Scenarios (50:00 - 60:00)

In the later segments, the hosts share personal stories and engage in hypothetical scenarios, often revolving around humorous and exaggerated situations. They explore topics like fitness routines and playful challenges between themselves.

• DJ Lou (54:32): "What happened? Did you already touch?"
• Big Jay (54:55): "We did."

Conclusion and Final Thoughts (60:00 - End)

As the episode wraps up, Big Jay and Robert Kelly continue their light-hearted exchange, maintaining the show's engaging and humorous atmosphere. They briefly touch upon upcoming topics and leave listeners with their signature blend of humor and candid conversation.

• DJ Lou (55:17): "She doesn't like Bahati... she's crazy."
• Big Jay (57:05): "She just wants to be on TV so even if they're not, they'll just..."

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Notable Quotes:

• Big Jay Oakerson (03:09): "Maybe get a profile. You can see my crazy long eyelashes."
• DJ Lou (05:22): "We can't venture out anymore. There's too many identifying marks."
• Big Jay Oakerson (31:03): "None of them know how to fight."
• DJ Lou (34:23): "They have honor. They have street honor."

Key Discussions and Insights:

• Identity Through Tattoos: The hosts humorously explore how tattoos can both serve as personal expression and hinder anonymity in social settings.

• Privacy in Public Spaces: They discuss the challenges of maintaining privacy in places with surveillance, blending humor with relatable anecdotes.

• Gender and Sexuality: Through comedic dialogue, the hosts touch upon sensitive topics, offering their perspectives in an unfiltered manner.

• Critique of Reality TV: A significant portion is dedicated to critiquing and humorously analyzing behavior in reality TV shows, highlighting exaggerated and often absurd scenarios.

• Pop Culture Analysis: The hosts provide their unique takes on well-known fictional characters, blending humor with critical insights into their roles and portrayals.

Conclusion:

In "Touching Bobby," Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly deliver an episode filled with candid humor, sharp observations, and engaging banter. They navigate a variety of topics from personal identity and privacy to pop culture and reality TV, all while maintaining their signature style of unfiltered honesty and blunt humor. This episode offers listeners a blend of laughs and insightful commentary, making it an entertaining listen for both regular fans and new audiences.

Transcript

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

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[Big J. Ulkerson]

Typically takes 15 days.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

Free phones via 24 monthly bill credits with finance agreement. Example Apple iPhone 16, 128 gigs 829.99 eligible trade in. Example iPhone 11 Pro for well qualified credits end and balance due if you pay off early or cancel.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Contact us.

[Robert Kelly]

And now the bonfire with Big J. Ulkerson and Robert Kelly.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Bob, I love you.

[DJ Lou]

You know what? I am so glad that you did that. You know why? I was actually in my brain.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah.

[DJ Lou]

Fantasizing that you were singing it to me.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I am.

[DJ Lou]

But then when you did that.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Look at the stars, Bob. They're all in front of us.

[DJ Lou]

Are you holding me up? Are we flying together?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yes, we're flying through the universe together.

[DJ Lou]

Are we on a carp? We do the carpet.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Not in the Rogan sphere though. But we're outside the ro. Sky, sky now everybody. Cuz everyone knows the song. Even you Black Blue, you know it's you bab. Whenever I get weary.

[DJ Lou]

Come on black, you can know it. You know it.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

You sing, give it up. You know it's you, baby. Just shake them now.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know the lyrics.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Strength I need P. Please believe that it's true.

[DJ Lou]

Come on, Lou. You got it, Lou. DJ Lou.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Just DJ Lou.

[DJ Lou]

Babe, I love you. Yeah.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah. God damn, that was. What a great moment.

[DJ Lou]

What a silly bunny. He said I love Lou, which means he loves himself. Oh, that's so cute.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I didn't even catch that.

[DJ Lou]

He said I love Lou.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I did. Bob. I love you.

[DJ Lou]

Yes. And Jay, I love you.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I love you.

[DJ Lou]

I do not love you with those eyes. Does anybody tell. Did Rogan ever say something about your eyes?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

No.

[DJ Lou]

He called me. He told me.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Did he?

[DJ Lou]

Yeah, he called me up.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

He's calling you about me now?

[DJ Lou]

Well, yeah, he called me up. He was like, hey, can you do me a favor? Because I'm. This is weird. Does Jay have, like, magic eyes or something? I was like, dude, I look at him every day. Five days a week, four days a week, five, six, seven times a day. And they're magical. They're beautiful. No, don't do that. Don't. Don't play with it.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Is it not good when I do this?

[DJ Lou]

It's. It's almost adorable. You have baby. You have baby eyes. You have adorable gerba baby eyes.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Gerber baby eyes. Little fat cheeks. Push them up. Oh, my God. Hey, everyone, you get a picture of my eyes to go out for this shot. Everybody see what I'm working with? Maybe get a profile. You can see my crazy long eyelashes.

[DJ Lou]

You do have crazy eyelashes. You have eyelashes Asian girls would die for. Oh, yeah, I know.

[Robert Kelly]

Soy sauce.

[DJ Lou]

Oh, God.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

No, it's got nothing to do with that.

[DJ Lou]

I'm following this Asian girl who's, you know, the. The influencer type. Foodie. She goes on food things. Yeah, but she's so fucking hot. She got these.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

A good burger.

[DJ Lou]

No, she doesn't. No, she doesn't do that.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that the one that camps by herself?

[DJ Lou]

No cheese. A contest. She's got. She's got, like, white college girl jugs. You know what I mean?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Chowder.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah, I know. She doesn't have an accent. She actually talks like a white chick.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

That's not fun.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah, it is.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

No, it's not fun at all. If I have an Asian chick judging food, I want it to be super Asian.

[DJ Lou]

No, it's fun because then you can.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Ask one good hoagie, then you can.

[DJ Lou]

Make her talk like that when you're having sex. Yeah. Do the voice. Do the voice.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Okay. Boy, I like your hot dog. Feel good inside my bun. My warm bond.

[DJ Lou]

Tell me how much I make you laugh.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Oh, you're making me rap so hard.

[DJ Lou]

That's her right there. God, she's. Is that. No, that's not her.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

She's trans.

[DJ Lou]

That's not her. No, that's not her. But she is trans. Yeah, you love that. Oh, trans.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

You want to try?

[DJ Lou]

What's not to love, baby? Try it. Is there a special? Is there a special going on? I could never try it because if I would, I would. You could never even venture into even trying stuff like that because I have too many tattoos.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah.

[DJ Lou]

You know what I mean? Like. Like notable tattoos. Like, it says maximus on my background. And if she ever did, like, some spy video, it's just she blurred my face out, and it's just a chubby fat guy blowing A trans woman. And then it just says Maximus on the back of my arm. And there's a bond. There's a Bonfire logo on my arm.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah. My tattoos would really stand out in gay pornography.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

My Bonfire logo on my hand just pulling cock onto some guy's face.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah, exactly. We can't.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

We can't.

[DJ Lou]

We can't be curious anymore. There's too many. There's too many ways to get whacked.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I don't want. I can't be curious. Not with these identifying marks.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah, dude. I have. I have serenity, courage, and wisdom on my forearm as I'm drinking. Jerking her off.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

More like jizz them. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Knuckles.

[DJ Lou]

I have. I have. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

That's the dead giveaway.

[DJ Lou]

That's not me. It says my name on your knuckles. He just came on my name.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I have a full legion on my finger. I have a full Legion of Skanks logo and the Bonfire logo.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

So much. So much stuff.

[DJ Lou]

We can't. There's no way we can venture out back in the day when Norton used to go to the meat packing district with no tattoos. I know.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Jim's so smart to have no identifying marks.

[DJ Lou]

I know.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

He's even shaved off his head and lost his eyebrows just to make sure no one even knows who that is. It's just the beginning of a created character. What went in? I think a small version of one of those Prometheus things.

[Robert Kelly]

You might as well tattoo.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I think there's a baby Prometheus in there having sex with a trans person.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah. I get nervous. Like, I wouldn't even go to a massage parlor anymore. I would never go, because I found out that my cop friend at the cigar lounge.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

They all have cameras.

[DJ Lou]

The fb. It's not the local cops. It's the FBI.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Okay.

[DJ Lou]

Have cameras in all these places, and they let them put cameras in and they record stuff. I don't know if it's to what it's for, but he would come in, he'd be like, hey, don't go to the place this week, you guys. I'll let you guys know, because there's a bunch of older dudes that go. And it's right underneath the cigar lounge.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Sure.

[DJ Lou]

And I don't understand what that tone is.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Well, you give me tone. Like I said, you came in. He said, guys, don't go this week. Just take a couple days off of going downstairs. And then you did a quick like to the old. I mean, like, some guys, some creeps there that do go, I can't go it's not your thing.

[DJ Lou]

I can't go. I can't. I have too many identifying tattoos. I don't want to be on some fucking. You can wear long sleeves while getting a table shower. Yeah, I'm not. If I can't get the table shower, I'm not going to.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Oh, that's what you go for. Mostly.

[DJ Lou]

Mostly.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Really?

[DJ Lou]

Well, I love a table shower.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

You prefer you put a lot of the heavy lifting on? Rub over a tug?

[DJ Lou]

No, I have. The tug is very. Is good, but without the rub. Without cleaning me off first. I like being washed.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

They're absolving you of sin.

[DJ Lou]

I don't know what it is.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I just, like, baptized in the water of a thousand other dudes.

[DJ Lou]

I know, it's terrible.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah. It's other guy soup.

[DJ Lou]

It really is.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Best table showers in your Manhattan.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah. Oh, really? Where is that?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

We get to come in here. Can we have them come in the show and wash us? Maybe we did that on. Maybe we did that Tuesday. Who knows?

[DJ Lou]

You can. You can do real spas have table showers.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah.

[DJ Lou]

Where they cover. They do a whole body scrub on you, and they have a table. You get on and they scrub you out. But the ones that they have, it's just a bucket of lukewarm.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

It's a. It's a trash. At one place, it was a trash pail.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

With a.

[DJ Lou]

With a soup ladle in it.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah. And then this one, I think, just had, like, an old, like, Cool Whip container bowling it out onto my body. And burning Kevin Hart.

[DJ Lou]

I missed those. Let me try to find that.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Who do you like? What do you do?

[DJ Lou]

She's a New York girl. New York foodie girl. Asian girl. So cute. And she eats like a. Just a. Like, just eats like a fato. But she's so in shape.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Is her name. That's delicious.

[DJ Lou]

Now give me another one, though.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

That's the best. That one. It took me five minutes for that one.

[DJ Lou]

That. That's delicious.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

That's delicious.

[DJ Lou]

That's delicious.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah, that's a great name. That's delicious. She's Vietnamese.

[DJ Lou]

You know what I saw yesterday, dude, this is. This is what I think we should do with our army. I think we should make all the whole army black women.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Okay.

[DJ Lou]

Cause there's nothing more terrifying for Yamanikas than a front line of Yamanikas who are scared of nobody.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah. Just give them pots and pans in their hands, dude.

[DJ Lou]

I was at the Pussycat yesterday before I came in here, and there was a. This black dude was running down the street and this his girlfriend, I guess he did something to piss her off. And she was running after him and just swiping at him like a cat. You motherfucker. I mean. And he was scared to death. And then there was a black Suburban five. Five army people got out of the car. They were just sitting there at West Fort Station. I guess they planted all over the city now. 5 Army. What do they call them? The. The soldiers Reserve? Reserves.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Okay?

[DJ Lou]

I'm talking with the guns, the, the. The vest. The whole outfit got out and were trying to break it up. And she was not afraid. She was swatting these motherfuckers out of her. Get the fuck out this motherfucker. She didn't give a fuck. To the point where they just gave up our army. Our army was like, yeah, fuck, sorry, dude. And this poor guy just caught a beaten from this girl because she would. They kept trying to push her back, push her back. And. And she was like that. Just SWAT without. Without hurting the army people, you know what I mean? Without getting arrested. She was just pushing them and slipping by them and. And just taking swipes at his face.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

So are we taking the stance here at the bonfire? All of us? I'll usually sandbag you with this, Bobby. I'm going to say, are we all taking the stance now that soldiers are cowards? Is that we're going to play it?

[DJ Lou]

I would say, are we going to.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Be the show that says soldiers are cows? Are we going to be the ones willing to say it?

[DJ Lou]

I wouldn't say that. I would say black, angry black New York girls are their kryptonite.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Stronger. Black women are stronger than our cowardice army, man.

[DJ Lou]

They're strong. They're scary, man.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Put it on a shirt. Let's get it up as merch. Black women are stronger than our cowardice army. Black. Lou? Yes. Your thoughts? I believe Bobby said army Reserves.

[DJ Lou]

Reserves. Oh, yes.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

The weakest of the week.

[DJ Lou]

They're not weak. They're very. I'm very.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Until one black woman gets in, one.

[DJ Lou]

Black woman, it can take them all out. Yeah, but if we take my theory and make them all black women. Yeah, we're going to be. I mean, nobody's going to with us. Could you imagine Jaquanda born 30,000 Yamanikas coming at you?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

No. Actually, yes, I could. I did a lot of black comedy when I was younger.

[DJ Lou]

Scary.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

After those shows, there'd be 30 Yamanikas coming at me. And they wanted to taste.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah, because you got naked.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

They wanted to taste the forbidden fruit.

[DJ Lou]

Because you did a little Dance at the end with your jazz fingers.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Did go jazz fingers in full wiener bump showing. What was I thinking?

[DJ Lou]

I was.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Why did I do that?

[DJ Lou]

I was such a coward as an influencer, because I am. I took my phone out immediately. I was. I cowered into the parking garage and hit and just stuck my phone out around the corner.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Really?

[DJ Lou]

Because I was so scared, buddy. And I don't even know, like, who you filming. I don't even know where it came from. I just realized as I was doing, I'm like, I'm a coward. Like, I'm not even. Like, I should just say fuck it and just film it. But I was hiding, my arm was around the corner. And then I realized I was so nervous, I didn't even film it. I didn't even hit record. I was panicking.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Well, what black chicks are willing to do, which is great, is they will fight with the same confidence even though they don't know how to fight at all. They go into all fights with the confidence that they really do know how to fight. I know this because I've been watching Baddies Gone Wild on Zeus tv, which I believe is black tv. Now there's only three shows or on the network. It's one about the strip club baddies. Africa, Baddies Gone Wild. And they. They don't even hate each other. They just get into a thing over something. Yeah, it's like, I told you I was wearing a blue shirt today. It's like, bitch, I wear blue every day and that's my shit. And then it's like. Then they think for a second and then just go at it like two fucking animals beating the living shit out of each other. But poorly. Yeah, because they have foam fists and just not on. I mean, they just. None of them must be strong whatsoever. Right?

[DJ Lou]

But it's still scary.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

But. Well, I'm saying, the noise of it. Yeah. Looks like it's a scarier situation.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah.

[DJ Lou]

Is this.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Give him a taste.

[DJ Lou]

She's cute.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

These are over nothing, these fights.

[DJ Lou]

Wait a minute. Can you explain this to me? What? They're in a field.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

It's the lawn outside of the mansion they put them in.

[DJ Lou]

Okay?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

They get a bunch of. They get a bunch of. And I use alliteration on purpose. Pig pieces of shit together in a house. And they're willing to die for whatever it. Just to be in this place. Lou, you would love the show. This is right up your alley.

[DJ Lou]

Real quick, DJ Lou. I don't think so. Too many wigs. Give me one sec. Give me one Sec. Ready?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Nice. Cold, cool, refreshing beer.

[DJ Lou]

I'm off.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

The way you're drinking an ipa. It's nice. Well, it is summer.

[DJ Lou]

I like apple cider.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

It's summer.

[DJ Lou]

That's my new thing too. I drink and I do that.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Nice. So this is derivative of the Bad Girls Club. Used to be on the Oxygen Network.

[DJ Lou]

Got it.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

It was my favorite show. I almost got a tattoo with a logo.

[DJ Lou]

Then we would have really known who you were when you were jerking off.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

A transy fucking real bad girl. Bad girls. So this girl here, this crazy horse face lunatic. And by the way, Lou, you're right about the wigs, my man. No one's got real hair on these shows, but it's a very. It's a nice. Like, it evens things out. It's equilibrium in the world. Because these girls and their confessionals get all dolled up and at their best, some of them look pretty good. And then you see once the wigs come off, they're all just bald little fucking weirdos. They're all just little fucking. They look Louis Gossett Jr. An enemy mine. Come on, Jacob.

[DJ Lou]

My girlfriend makes me watch Real Housewives of Atlanta and there's not a real hair amongst them. No.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

And that just makes you racist. This is different. This is something different.

[DJ Lou]

Enemy Mine. I wanted to see that.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Dennis Quaid and Los Garchemy Mod. Go. Christine. Bring up the dracon. What do they call the Dr. The Dragons.

[DJ Lou]

Is that the.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't remember what he's called, but I remember.

[DJ Lou]

Is that the fight when they fight right there when they're stranded on the.

[Robert Kelly]

The planet.

[DJ Lou]

The planet, is it? And that's. I forgot about that.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Looks like Louis Scott Jr. Enemy mind.

[DJ Lou]

But didn't he learn to talk English by the end?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah. Yeah, right? Yeah.

[DJ Lou]

That's so funny.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Don't love Dennis Quaid. Muktuk love Dennis Quinn.

[DJ Lou]

Wow, that's so funny.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I know. Little asshole mouths and their fucking bald heads. That's what they all look like. Yeah. See a little one. There's a little one. They. But they are willing to fight over absolutely anything as soon as they get a. They've had to move to a new house already on this season show.

[DJ Lou]

Why would they do to the house?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Just the people were like, it's a problem. They kicked them out.

[DJ Lou]

Oh, the owners are those. So they're renting this house out like an Airbnb to film this show?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Absolutely. Yeah. Right. So then they get another house. And as soon as they go into the house, the girls pick their rooms and then girls who hate those girls go in those rooms and just flip their mattresses over and rip all their shit out and pour, like, mouthwash all over their mattresses. And like, fuck you, bitch. They just go to bed, and then they wake up in the morning and they've had a night to think about. He goes, I had to sleep on mouthwash last night. I'm gonna punch this bitch while she's eating cereal. And then they just do. And then they. And then they go. And they get to grabbing and hair pulling, and then security rips them apart and then just resets them and lets them go again. And then eventually lets it go, but it is just like BattleBots. Yeah. Take a peek. Give it. Give a little taste.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

This is all in between. Baddie Betty shot a clock, which happens a lot.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Oh, yeah, also, Betty's Betty shot a clock happens a lot.

[DJ Lou]

I'm sorry, what?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Betty? Well, wild bitches do shots. Bobby. When you're a wild bitch, and you couldn't possibly understand this at your advanced age. Wild bitches.

[DJ Lou]

I find that very offensive.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

You shouldn't at all. So what? You're a mature man, but baddies. Betty shot o' clock is when me and a bunch of other bad bitches. Wild bitches take shots, and then after we take the shot, we do a little, like, a twerk move. Like this.

[DJ Lou]

A twerk move.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Oh, man.

[DJ Lou]

What happened?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

My old age just hurt. That joke.

[DJ Lou]

That's from calling me old. No.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

You don't know what happened.

[DJ Lou]

Age just whacked you right in the face.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

No, it didn't. I'll tell you where it whacked me. I just.

[DJ Lou]

In your coccyx.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

No, I just did a twerk, and I was really close to my chair, and my dangling balls nicked the chair and gave me that stomach thing. My old dangling man balls.

[DJ Lou]

Well, that's going to go away soon with your tea. You have tight little tranny nuts. In a couple weeks, I came in.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

With my little golden raisins.

[DJ Lou]

You're gonna spit out little. That's your jizz. That's when you come. That's it. No cleanup next to it. You'll be able to flick it right off your belly.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Oh, I don't mind that. What if it just evaporates when it comes out? Right away?

[Robert Kelly]

Shrinks your nuts.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah. Well, it can. You can actually take another thing that tricks your nuts into thinking that you need to, because it. What it does is.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Bobby, I don't have to do that. I don't. They said my nuts are fine. I have to trick them, Bobby.

[DJ Lou]

No, at older age, I do. My nuts are awesome right now.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Sure they are.

[DJ Lou]

I'll put my nuts against your nuts any day.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Put them in my hand.

[DJ Lou]

I'll do it right now. You want me to do it right now? Oh, I'll do it right now.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

This is called a gay challenge. I'm not going to say no.

[DJ Lou]

You ready? Put your hands up. Don't. Don't videotape this. Yeah, I'm doing it for real. Yeah. Well, you can videotape it from behind. Oh, do it from behind. Come on.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Ready?

[DJ Lou]

Luke, you put the mic closer so I can catch all this gayness. You ready? Now these. This is weeks on. On. All right, here you go. Ready?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

They're so puffy. They're so puffy. They're so full. Guys, let's all high five about that. What do you think, huh? Come on. We really did it. Yay.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah. I didn't shower.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Nuh.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Come on.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah. I just forgot. I forgot. I forgot. And I worked out at 5:30 in the morning. Chest.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Why didn't you shower after that?

[DJ Lou]

Because I had to go right in town. Had to leave.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

What for? What time? Better.

[DJ Lou]

I was meeting Gary Gelman for breakfast before therapy.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

That didn't happen.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah, it did happen. Why?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

He died four years ago.

[DJ Lou]

He's not dead. He's fully alive. We had breakfast. We had a very nice conversation.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Even with all this Purell, I'm worried if I rub it into my other hand that I'm just transferring nuts over my other hand, but all right.

[DJ Lou]

Besides your hand smelling like pennies and mustard. Let me ask you a question. Do you. You're putting way too much perella in your hands.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

Just soaking it.

[DJ Lou]

Just. Why don't you just let it hold it there for a while? Let it just get. Besides that, my nuts.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

Sometimes you should probably wash your hands.

[DJ Lou]

We have a whole show to go. Hey, besides. Besides that. Those nuts. Hey, man, don't. Don't threaten me, man. With little nuts. How were they, though? They were nice. They were big.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

So full.

[DJ Lou]

They were full of man juice.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I don't even feel like the nuts themselves. The sack was so.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Dense.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah, A nice. I got a nice sack, dude. I got a nice sack. Game day. What's up?

[Robert Kelly]

If you're doing tea, you're supposed to have more testosterone.

[DJ Lou]

What happens is. I'll explain it to you. What happens is this. When you do T, it tells your body, it tells your nuts. Hey, you don't need to produce any more testosterone. So you so what you can take is another thing that says, hey, we need some stuff, so keep producing it. You know what I mean? So your balls don't get small. If you want to do that, Jacob, if it happens. But it doesn't happen to everybody. Some guys just keep their. Keep their nuts like I kept my nuts.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

We could cut this from the show if you have something. Yeah.

[DJ Lou]

What?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

No beard.

[DJ Lou]

What? What does he have? Get it. Oh, no, no, don't touch it.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I just freaked out. I was like. My eyebrow. It's just. What do I do? Use my knot balls? Hand, I guess.

[DJ Lou]

They're not bad though, right? I mean, it's a lot.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I got a lot to process.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah.

[DJ Lou]

You asked for it.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Absolutely.

[DJ Lou]

You did.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah. God damn it, Lou. Right here, you got a little.

[DJ Lou]

I'm okay with it.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Something right here, though. No, I don't, because there's cameras I worry about. She's a little smudge.

[DJ Lou]

Maybe she smells.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Bobby, you want me get over there?

[DJ Lou]

Yeah, yeah, just go get it.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

You can get over there and grab that for you. Let me come over there and grab it for you.

[DJ Lou]

Okay. Just grab it. Needs us to smell his farts now. He wants us to smell his balls. This guy needs us to feel how powerful he is.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Oh. In the meantime, probably I should give Christine.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah, you should give Christine a kiss and a little.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Do you know if your hand is the same size as a girl's face? She's your soulmate.

[DJ Lou]

No, I didn't know that. It's your left.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

Left hand.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

It's gotta be your right.

[DJ Lou]

Why is Christine not flinching like Jacob?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Oh, dude, she wants to taste your balls so bad. I read her diary.

[DJ Lou]

She didn't know.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

Less scared of balls than Jacob. Just as a general statement, I didn't.

[DJ Lou]

Hear what you said. What'd you say?

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

I said I'm probably less scared of balls than Jacob. Just as a general statement.

[DJ Lou]

Did you get it? Yeah. Yeah. So there you go. My nuts are nice. How are your nuts?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I don't know.

[DJ Lou]

Right now we should see if Christine can guess who's nuts or whose by.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

What do we do? Taste, color, smell.

[DJ Lou]

We'll get Rebecca. Rebecca's coming up later, right?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Rebecca, Rebecca. Be the scales of justice with our nut sacks and see which tilts her. If it tilts her to this side or this side. Oh, here's. You want a little taste of what the baddies going wild got going on?

[DJ Lou]

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[Big J. Ulkerson]

Typically takes 15 days.

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[Big J. Ulkerson]

Guys, you know, running a business is complicated. There's dozens of software programs that you need and they're all so expensive and since they come from different companies, they don't always play nice with one another. But what can you do, right? Odoo. That's what Odoo has all the software business owners need. We're talking sales, CRM, manufacturing website, literally every kind of software and it's all on one platform. So it works together and it's quality software. So you're not sacrificing. It's simply a better experience than a hodgepodge of programs. You'd expect to pay a premium for it, Right? But that's the most amazing part about Odoo. This interconnected suite of business software costs less than the mini mash of disconnected programs you're currently using. So the question is, why spend more on software programs that are less efficient when Odoo's simple software platform can handle everything for a fraction of the price? Discover how Odoo can take your business to the next level by visiting odoo.com that's o d o o.com odoo.com hey.

[DJ Lou]

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[Big J. Ulkerson]

Called them bouncers, Bob. Industry. We were called coolers.

[DJ Lou]

You're not. You're not a in the industry.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Well, not anymore. I did leave the industry. Ultimately.

[DJ Lou]

You were never in the cooler industry, Bobby. What?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Then why did I wear a GI as a shirt one day?

[DJ Lou]

Because you're gay.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

No.

[DJ Lou]

You're Philly gay.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

It wasn't? No. Because I went to a school that had a little bit of violence in it and I had to go, cool. I cooled it.

[DJ Lou]

You cooled it with what?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

My cooling skills, dude.

[DJ Lou]

Well, what are you cooling skills?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I don't know if you know this. You take the biggest guy in the world, you smash his knee, he'll drop like a sack of bricks.

[DJ Lou]

That's from Roadhouse.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Well, it's. The information was also conveyed in Roadhouse. Sure.

[DJ Lou]

Okay, so it's in like a cooling.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Well, that was a movie about cooling.

[DJ Lou]

Right.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

So it sort of is like what makes me happy.

[DJ Lou]

It's our bible that you can't talk without both hands. And that right hand is just like a piece of cement right now, this.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah, it's definitely dry. It's been dried out by the alcohol of the Purell for sure. It looks 100 years old.

[DJ Lou]

Take a swiff. Purell, good.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Total Purell. Mustard gone.

[DJ Lou]

It didn't smell.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

There's still a little mustard in my cuticles, but still.

[DJ Lou]

So these. This. They just go out in the yard and fight?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Well, so what they changed was about Bad Girls Club. They used to have them go and, like, they try to do this too in the show, I guess they try to do adventures. But the one girl with the horse face was on Bad Girls Club and she left and I guess joined up with this app, Zeus, and they just make complete. I'd have to call this blaxploitation television. Yeah, Black Lou, right? I mean, like, it is. These girls are willing. And there's a couple white girls in there, too. But if we're being honest, they're acting black.

[DJ Lou]

You whispered that in the microphone.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

They're acting black. And I think you know what I mean. But they. So they didn't go. But their fights are over. Like in the ones we watched. This, I think when Bobby wasn't here one day, there was one two girls, like, scissor one night in a hot tub, and the next day fought to blood. Like, fist fought to blood over. It's just nothing. It'll be like this. Thinks she's cute. She goes, you're ugly. And it's like. And then you just stare at each other. And then just war. They just go to fight, and then other people jump in. There's no rhyme or read. There's no honor code. There is. They think there is, but it shifts constantly. It's like, yeah, no, I know when I'm supposed to jump in on other people's fights, but I'm not gonna watch my girl get beat up. So I jump in anyway. I don't give a fuck, and they don't care. And then they all have to share bedrooms together and stuff.

[DJ Lou]

Is this the horse face girl?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

No, horse face girl, she don't get her hands dirty no more.

[DJ Lou]

Oh, okay.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

She just shows up and she's like, you girls are hoes and trash. Now I have to go get on a yacht with some famous friends or something. So you guys sit here and all you have to fight over one tampon. There's only one tampon, everybody. And then they all fucking fist fight each other.

[DJ Lou]

Now, this, this girl is in cut off jean shorts, a T shirt, but it looks like she has some type of weapon or maybe they're brutish. What's around her? What's the black thing around her waist?

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

Maybe a waist trainer.

[DJ Lou]

Is that a waist trainer? You mean a girdle?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Well, the problem is these girls come down, they show up to almost everything, decked out, right. You can't take these bitches anywhere. No, I mean somebody go, they. Last week we watched one, they went to a wine tasting place where they're pouring the one, you know, and they're. And then a couple of them go like, let's go outside. And they went outside on the lawn of a thing where there's a bunch of like goofy white people in tuxedos drinking and they're fist fighting on the lawn. Their things are off, the are out.

[DJ Lou]

One of the grabs a bottle of wine, smashes it and cuts the chick.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Their are always out. There's snatches and tits.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

Well, they'll like lift up their dresses so they can move better.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah. When they're dressed for, when they're dressed for the club, these big fat pigs, they go, they square up and then they just pull their thing up and they just have their fucking big old fat boxes hanging out with their fists up. And then none of them know how to fight.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

They also all wear like ugly shapewear.

[DJ Lou]

So it's not like, it's not even.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

Like thongs or like sexy underwear. It's like they're, you know, tummy tuck underwear.

[DJ Lou]

Fat white women that go to weddings.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

The other week, egg pantyhose.

[DJ Lou]

I hate egg pantyhose.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Go on, give them a taste.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

I think this is the blue face girl, right?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah.

[DJ Lou]

The other girl's wearing like a Hooters outfit. Oh, let me teach you baby, let me teach you.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

None of them know how to fight. Not one of them.

[DJ Lou]

I mean they look like they know how to fight.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

No, but watch when it starts.

[DJ Lou]

Oh God.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

They also like seem to set up fights like bad girls club. The fights would just happen. These, they like take them outside to fight it out. But like don't let it get too rough.

[DJ Lou]

Can I say something though? You say they don't know how to fight.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

One girl had her, both of her hair pulled out.

[DJ Lou]

Well, I came off.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

No, no, no. Got her wig off.

[DJ Lou]

Sorry.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Then this, then the cap came off.

[DJ Lou]

Oh no.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

And then this big fat girl grabbed her by her cornrows.

[DJ Lou]

Oh no.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

And ripped them out. And she's bald headed on the side. It's crazy looking.

[DJ Lou]

But that girl who just put her dukes up, they. They put. That was like Bruce Lee. She had a hands up, pop up.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Everybody knows how to get in the pose. So nobody knows how to fight. Yeah.

[DJ Lou]

So they got the pose physically. They look like Tekken when they start to fight.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I mean, also a lot of times they look like this.

[DJ Lou]

I mean, but they're stretching like they're really gonna fight.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

No, they are really gonna fight, but they're just fat people who just grab each other's hair. And a lot of times it's fat people beating up the hot people because that's all they have.

[DJ Lou]

That is like a girl move is just hair at first, right?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

It's immediately what they do. And they keep calling one girl a. Because every time she's gonna get into a fight, she puts her hood up on a hoodie and ties it around her chin. And everyone's like, you putting a hood on the fight, you. Or she's put on a swim cap before. All these things that make. And she's like, yeah, you're not gonna grab my hair the whole fight, right? Smart. Brilliant.

[DJ Lou]

Can you just take your hair off? That's frightening.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

They never do, though. They seem to want to fight with this big stupid Beyonce hair. And then it comes off. And then there's little monsters. I'm like, style your actual hair into something that a fight isn't going to ruin every time. They all read so ugly. Because all the time they are at their worst looking post fight. Silk hat, ripped, something bloody lip. Multiple girls on each season of these have the eye with blood in it. Like the whole season they have blood in their eyeball. It's nuts.

[DJ Lou]

They got one sexy eye. The other has no eyelash on it.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

On my life, multiple girls on the two seasons that are running right now have bloody eyeballs. That is from a fight that happened one of the days. And when they fight, it's like prison. Because when they're done fighting, they go, you know, they'll fight over, I want that bitch out of here. And they'll be like, she came with hers, though. She stood on business, though. And then the other. And then the girl who just fought her goes, she did stand up on business, though. She did put up her fist and go, you know what? She could stay. So you just get off. And they don't care.

[DJ Lou]

Well, they have honor. They have street honor.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

That's why.

[DJ Lou]

Well, if that was white girls, they'd be like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, too.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Well, Bobby, this is the Point of the show is. My point I'm making is this.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Is your boot camp.

[DJ Lou]

Yes.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Fucking Black woman army 100. This is breaking them down and building them back up.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah. We send them. We send around 50 of these girls to Iran. If we get new, we don't have to go. We send them there.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Oh, yeah.

[DJ Lou]

Is that a. Is that a black girl?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yep. They're all some sort of black girl.

[DJ Lou]

Something to say to you. So me always trying to be Captain.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

Solution, Captain Save, whatever you want to call it.

[DJ Lou]

What'd you call it? Hold on. Captain Solution.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Save a hoe.

[DJ Lou]

Captain Solution. Captain Save a ho. That's a lot of fake gold she's wearing.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Oh, yeah. She's like Mr. T. And I pity the fool to get in the way of these nails. And then every season of the show they do a three episode reunion where they all come out and sit down and then somebody goes, hey, since we saw you all saw each other last, it's come out all the behind the back you guys did on the show.

[DJ Lou]

And then they fight again.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

And then they come out in ball gowns and fight out snatches out they on this show because I don't know what the rules are. They almost get in the fight. The audience of the reunions, by the way, it's like 30 people in the audience, but they'll get into it too. They go, bitch, you ugly. You're hitting on her because you ugly fuck you, bitch. In the audience. And then the audience girl comes out and tries to fight.

[DJ Lou]

It's.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

God, it's good trailer.

[DJ Lou]

What is that?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

This is what we got to fucking fight Iran for.

[DJ Lou]

What was that? Was that a woman?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

This is what we're fighting for over there. If we're sending these black women over there, they should know what they're fighting for.

[DJ Lou]

It's a fight where exactly why we have nukes is to save this.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Absolutely.

[DJ Lou]

So we have the freedom to have this show.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

But again, my point being on this is like, I'm so afraid of fighting. It has to be like, like in the moment. Like, I'm wound up. It can't be as stupid as like these girls. One girl will fight and she's like, no, I don't. Like, she fought her man. That was my problem I had with her. Like, I'm ready to go right now. And then she just stand there and like. And then the girl who just got into a fight be like, I don't give a fuck, I'll fight you. And it's because it has to be because there's not much damage done because they're just. None of them are strong.

[DJ Lou]

Right.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

And the fat one just kind of drag, and it ends up just being a hair pull thing. So it's never that. That bad, I guess. But it looks wild because they go nuts.

[DJ Lou]

We should have this at Skank Fest.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Oh, Baddy Skankfest. Absolutely. I'd host it. Baddie Skank Fest.

[DJ Lou]

That'd be funny if you just got in the mix. Yeah. You have two fistfuls of hair.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah. Tawana, you're here to talk to Charisse. You said to her, I believe you think this bitch is cute, and bitch thinks she's cute. Anything you'd like to say about that? Would you like to put on a silk hat and go attack somebody like a lunatic?

[DJ Lou]

It's funny that they have a uniform they get into to protect themselves. It's not a helmet. It's just a stocking over their hair so they don't get their.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Do you have the girl getting her fucking things pulled out?

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

I'm trying to get the login from Isabella.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Oh, I know it. Wait, you don't know it? No, I know it.

[DJ Lou]

You don't know it.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

She texted to me.

[DJ Lou]

She did?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah. I could text it to you.

[DJ Lou]

Okay, relax.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Everybody relax. We're gonna see this relaxed.

[DJ Lou]

How's your hand?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

You're gonna see the bad bads.

[DJ Lou]

Is your hand feeling weird?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Oh, my hand.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah. What if something happened to your hand? You got some type of back.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Start growing hair on the palm.

[DJ Lou]

Your hand turned into my nuts.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

It now becomes. It now becomes the beast.

[Robert Kelly]

What is this thing that you counter ax the small. Like a small. An anti. Small nutshell.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Oh, Jacob's been dealing with small testicles. We were so far from that conversation.

[Robert Kelly]

He's, like, trying to fill time.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Guys, it's.

[DJ Lou]

It's you. Can you. It's just another thing that you can give your body. I think I forget what it is.

[Robert Kelly]

So you're taking tea and you're telling your nuts.

[DJ Lou]

But it's not everybody. But it's not everybody. Like, you know, my nuts haven't shrunk, right? But if. If my. If my testicles shrunk and I wasn't producing sperm anymore or something like that, or I wasn't. You know what I'm saying? They went too small. I would. I could take something that would trick my body into, hey, we need you.

[Robert Kelly]

To do this and still take tea. And take tea and say, regrow my nuts.

[DJ Lou]

I'm gonna say this too. The tea. It works. I mean, I Work out now. And it's like, I've never. I've never worked out before. Like, I hit a. I had a plateau working out as far as where it was. Like, ugh, don't be so now just.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Your tiny, tiny little balls, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I don't want them to become tiny.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah, but you're small. Are you taking tea?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Dude, what's the big deal? Because you have little, teeny, tiny balls.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't know.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

It makes your wiener look bigger.

[Robert Kelly]

Put your hand out, Jacob.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Give me a taste of that SAP.

[DJ Lou]

Dude, what if Jay becomes the. What's that? Wine tasting guy?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

The connoisseur?

[DJ Lou]

No, for the wine. When he. Sommelier.

[Robert Kelly]

Sommelier.

[DJ Lou]

A ball sommelier.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

He goes. First thing I'm going to say for your age. Good heft.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah. He works for game day every Wednesday. Every other Wednesday. He's coming in next week to see if your balls need estrogen.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

He's gonna pop in and hold nuts a little bit. So what now?

[DJ Lou]

You got fine nuts, Jacob, I'm sure.

[Robert Kelly]

But I wouldn't test now because it's when I'm cold. They're tight now.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah, that's what you want.

[Robert Kelly]

All the fibers of have tightened up.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah, yeah. When it's cold, your balls get. But today is a hot day. They should be hanging.

[Robert Kelly]

Right? But we're not outside.

[DJ Lou]

Well, we can go outside for lunch and we'll check them out.

[Robert Kelly]

Outside. They would. They would relax.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

You want to show me the balls? Outside, buddy.

[Robert Kelly]

Outside. I'll show you.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Thank you. Finally, everyone. 49th Street. That's the place to be. Oh, you got it.

[DJ Lou]

I'm in.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I'm in. You go to browse and then you go to baddies.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't think I would connect with any of these women.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

No, not bae's. Africa.

[Robert Kelly]

No, they have their boyfriend. What are their boyfriends like?

[DJ Lou]

I mean, they gotta be a.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Go down there, show these girls. Yeah, they don't have any boyfriends.

[Robert Kelly]

That people separate them.

[DJ Lou]

Well, that lady has a baby, so she had to be with somebody.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Just go to the show.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

I know how to navigate this site.

[DJ Lou]

At all.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

I don't know.

[DJ Lou]

Is that lady holding a baby and getting her. Is she gonna get a fight with a child in her hands?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

The newest one.

[DJ Lou]

Is that a form of defense? Just hold the baby in front of your face.

[Robert Kelly]

They look like the type that would not stop if somebody was holding a baby, though.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

All right, I'll look for it on here.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Was that the newest episode?

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

I believe so.

[DJ Lou]

No, it's Christine Evans.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

It's the one that says new episode there. Hair slay.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

Oh, I thought this just came in.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Okay, come on.

[DJ Lou]

I was in. One of the decisions why I wanted to move is when my Baby's R Us was Times Square. So when I had to go to get formula and we had to get a special formula, sometimes CVS didn't have a Duane read. Didn't have. So I have to go to Babies R Us. And I was in line when Max was born. When Max was born, I had to go baby carriage through Times Square, go to Babies R Us, go up to the floor, get the formula. And I was in line, and two mothers just went at it with children grabbing hair, spitting at each other's faces.

[Robert Kelly]

It's time to move.

[DJ Lou]

And I was just frozen with my little child. And I just. I was like, we have to get out of here. Because I. I'm. I don't know. I was terrified because. Because, like, could I fight them? I don't. You can't fight. You can't hit a woman. Like, God forbid, she said something to me.

[Robert Kelly]

Plus, you don't want your. Your kids stroller to do an Untouchables down the stairs because you have to fight two black women.

[DJ Lou]

Oh, terrifying. Terrifying. It was. It happened so quick, too. It's very. Like he was saying, jay, everything's fine. And then something was said. And then it was like, you know, why don't you move up or something like that? What don't you move? I'll move up when I want to move. And it's like quiet. And it's like, you tell me, move up, I'll move up. And then just hair meeting hair and then spitting. And the kids weren't. This is the weird part, the kids weren't crying.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Like, this is my mama does.

[DJ Lou]

They were just watching like it was a TV show. Like, if I. If I started.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Get it in Mama.

[DJ Lou]

Fighting somebody in front of Max, I'm sure he would have cried. At that age, these kids were just sitting there holding diapers for the mom.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

These girls also, by the way, on the show have borderline anorexic bodies to. All the way to morbidly obese bodies.

[Robert Kelly]

Those. We're looking at frozen picture. Those look like ass implants also.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Maybe.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, like basketball.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

But what you're looking at is the girl in the camel brown with the long hair and the strap on her big fat back right there. Yeah, that's Daisy Dukes. Daisy Dukes likes to fight because it's all she has because she's very, very fat.

[DJ Lou]

That Looks like Brian Scalar in a skirt.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

It does. And then she.

[DJ Lou]

God bless Brian before you. I don't get an email.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

She doesn't like Bahati who is an African girl who's got, I mean lips that almost touch her eyebrows and chest. They're crazy. But she's also has little. She's one with a little cornrows and they get ripped out. The whole side of her hair gets ripped out of the skin. It's crazy.

[DJ Lou]

Are these girls gay? They sleep with each other. I see sometimes one of them holding a gay.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

No, they're all bisexual because they're pieces of and they just want to be on tv so even if they're not, they'll just suck each other's pussies to get screen time.

[DJ Lou]

Really?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yes. They're animals.

[DJ Lou]

Dude, why do I not know about this show?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Well, you don't have. Yeah, I have a 22 year old daughter who brought this to me and she was like dad, remember Bayer Girls club that you turned me on to to show me not what to be? I found better. I found better now. And she talked for a year. She was talking this up to me.

[DJ Lou]

Was that your father advice? Don't be this.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah, I swear to God. Right. Whenever she would bring those things to me, like young Cardi B, she brought to me.

[DJ Lou]

Listen, you can.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I brought that to the show.

[DJ Lou]

You can date guys who like this. Just don't be this, do not be this, please.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm attracted to a couple of them. The girl in the pink, the pink hair and then the one all the way on the right.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

The one of the pink hairs may be ugly. The one all the way to the right is Nicki Minaj's daughter. Sister.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that's why.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Why you like Nicki Minaj?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I don't. Which one? I got to see a picture you just said.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

That makes sense.

[DJ Lou]

That's why.

[Robert Kelly]

Well I figured she's a celebrity.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Show Nicki Minaj. No, it's not her daughter, it's Nicki Minaj sister.

[Robert Kelly]

Sister.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Show Nicki Minaj and show Jacob how much he's going to hate everything about how she looks.

[Robert Kelly]

I think I.

[DJ Lou]

You like the. The thin pink girl?

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[DJ Lou]

Young. That's Nicki Minaj. That's actually her. Is that her sister?

[Robert Kelly]

No, we wouldn't get along.

[DJ Lou]

Is that Nicki Minaj or her sister?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah, that's where her butt implant starts coming. Separated when she's sitting down. No, no, I think Nicki Minaj is hot. That ass thing is a weird picture.

[DJ Lou]

This is gross.

[Robert Kelly]

That's too much.

[DJ Lou]

She's disgusting.

[Robert Kelly]

The sister's better for me.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

She's 19 also. No, it's totally cool.

[Robert Kelly]

You're asking me to pick if I have to pick one from this. This show.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I don't. I swear. All my life, nobody asked you anything at all.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I'm saying if I have to pick.

[DJ Lou]

Did he just. Did he just make up a whole.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Look, guys, you're gonna go gun to the head and say, I have to. One of these girls, you just start.

[Whole Foods Market Announcer]

Calling out which ones you'd.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah, you go, all right, guys, settle down.

[Robert Kelly]

Jacob's got some commenting on the show. Should I not say. I guess I'll just be quiet.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I told you, they're all deplorable pieces of.

[DJ Lou]

No, but I. Physically, what you're saying is the. The thin blonde one. I mean, with the pink hair.

[Robert Kelly]

That's mine.

[DJ Lou]

You. You like that. And the girl over to the right. So you like the smaller girls now?

[Robert Kelly]

I haven't got to know their personality. I feel like we're about to find out.

[DJ Lou]

Because you have small, tight nuts.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah. You don't want these girls to laugh at your teeny, tiny, little mouse balls.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no. I think every one of the. The women in this frame.

[DJ Lou]

Would you just break Jacob. He went, no, no, there's not one of these.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

They're gonna go, oh, look at that little ball. Oh, hell, let me get my girlfriend. Let me get my girlfriends in here. Go. Is this her ripping her hair out? Let it go. The audio on this is worth it.

[DJ Lou]

Oh, my God.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

So right now, she's grabbing her cornrows.

[DJ Lou]

The big girl's ass is just out.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Disgusting.

[DJ Lou]

We have underground our honors.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah, but her ass ate it hours ago.

[Robert Kelly]

So disgusting.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

And look, this last little yank. She yanks it out of her head.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no.

[DJ Lou]

She yanks the. The. The thin. Oh, God. Oh, she walks like a trophy. She walked away like a trophy. Oh, she pulled it out.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my.

[DJ Lou]

It was like a trophy. She's walking around, swinging it around.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

And then she. Later on in the same episode, she sits down with that girl. She goes, I feel bad about doing that. And the girl's like, fuck you, bitch. I hope you die. And she goes, well, I said, I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. And then they start fighting again. It's so good.

[DJ Lou]

Can you buy that on ebay? That little clump of hair.

[Robert Kelly]

She just sprinkled it on the floor.

[DJ Lou]

Like a. Oh, God. She has to shave her head now.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I think she shaves her head on.

[DJ Lou]

The show she has to. Oh, so she went from that luxurious curly black hair wig. Yes, that.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah.

[DJ Lou]

And that was underneath it.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

And this was underneath it.

[DJ Lou]

Corn rode up, little corn rolled up and she ripped the cornrows out.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Now talk about making chicken salad out of chicken though. Some turning some bad into good.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Isabella did make a point and she said now that she has shaved her head, the wigs lay flatter. Actually does look better if you're going to be commit to wigs like that.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

A bald head underneath, but again, far more enemy mine Louis Gossett Jr. Jarring. When the thing comes off, you go, oh, you're completely bald. Actually, that's terrifying. I thought you were gonna have little black girl nubs or something.

[DJ Lou]

I like bald girls.

[Robert Kelly]

Is it learning about culture? Is it.

[DJ Lou]

That's a way to say it.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean the black women wear it like a swimming cap.

[DJ Lou]

Do me a favor, Jacob.

[Robert Kelly]

Black women wear a swimming cap under there.

[DJ Lou]

But you're asking me through Jay. You're asking me, Jay through me, right?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah. Jay knows more your question.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, she looks like what that's this, like a swimming cap under her wig.

[DJ Lou]

On the fat one it was a stock.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

On the big fat one, it's a stocking.

[DJ Lou]

The whole.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Just to keep the cornrows down also and have the cornrows not like.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Get rubbed out.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah. I did a couple black girls and over at night they would put like a durag on her head. So her. Because the. She had an afro. So they would put a durag on her head so she would not mess up her throat.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Well, that's Bobby's talking again. Bobby's in an advanced age, so that's a long time ago. Now they put on like a silk thing over their head. A silk bonnet.

[DJ Lou]

I mean a durag or a silk.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

As Bobby was dating girls in the rolling 88 Crips, I did it and.

[DJ Lou]

Jemima.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Bobby only dated the help.

[Robert Kelly]

The cap is to protect the real hair and then the wig goes on top.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

So. But what's the final. What are you trying. What, so you're trying to act, grow out the real hair.

[DJ Lou]

No, no, no, no.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

There's no. Couldn't give two shits about the real hair.

[DJ Lou]

They keep the. The real hair is just covered up and they put the cap over it so the. The wig will lie flat on the head.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah, the little hair. The little hair is there just in case like, you know, they can't have. Or a wig gets up or something and then you can pull that out and I guess do some kind of little curly like short afro thing with it.

[DJ Lou]

Didn't we watch the guy. We watched a video with the guy with the leaf blower who went around like black neighborhoods to like bus stops and stuff and he would blow the wigs off of chicks and they would get violently angry, I bet. Yeah, because they'd just be sitting there and the guy would go over the leaf blower and just blow and the thing would just fly up in the air. Some girls would laugh though. Some girls would think it was funny, but.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah, there's like a piece of lace in the front. It's a whole thing.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah. I mean it's expensive. I did a black girl once and we were trying, we were getting like sexy and I went to, you know, my thing, you grab her hair and you know, starting. And she was like, whoa, don't even think about doing that white girl to me. This hair cost me a lot of money. And I was like, oh. So I. Sorry. Yeah, you can't just grab black girl hair.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I mean a wig is such a commitment. I mean how bad that can go if it goes bad.

[DJ Lou]

But I mean that looks, that looks nuts. That looks perfect, doesn't it?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah, no, it does. But that's also the problem is a wig. I don't know how as much as eye color. When people put in color contact lenses can change a fucking face. Yeah, it's amazing how much it changes if we're just like someone who you're like again. That's because I watched that show is the best point of it. You see these girls like bald headed her in those like caps all day. And some of them look, they're like so masculines are always fighting and like their underwear and, and they, but their faces are all like angry and they're acting so dudish. And then they put on the dresses before they fight in those. You're like, they all look beautiful. Like just like facially with their makeup done and the long hair and then like, oh, they're just bald little cornrow Allen Iverson heads underneath of them.

[DJ Lou]

That's crazy.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

This lady, he goes, hey, I think I was this hot chick. Then you went to the bathroom and came back as Carmelo Anthony. Is everything okay?

[Robert Kelly]

Hair is everything.

[DJ Lou]

I mean, I mean not everything. I don't know if that.

[Robert Kelly]

But I'm saying that in the movies, the if for a guy, the, the villain is bald. Oh, almost 99.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Bruce Willis.

[DJ Lou]

Willis. That's the John Malkovich.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

John Malkovich.

[Robert Kelly]

He's A villain a lot.

[DJ Lou]

That English guy from Jason Staith.

[Robert Kelly]

Those are the two examples.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

No, but there's something else. Vin Diesel.

[Robert Kelly]

Those are the three.

[DJ Lou]

Woody Harrelson. He's played a bit John Travolta.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Travolta.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you gonna debate me that Lex Luther. Lex Luther, right.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

What about Lex Luthor? Oh, you think he's a villain? We probably have different perspectives on that. You see, I see Superman as an alien invasion who's here and not playing by any of our governmental rules. Trump, I think Superman should be sent back to Krypton. I haven't seen any of his paperwork. And this guy takes it upon himself to deal with our criminals, intergalactic or otherwise. I don't, you know, get me started on this.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah, you're right, though.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I don't like to go. I don't like to go political, dude. Lex Luthor was not. He was the guy trying to say, wake up, America. Wake up, America.

[DJ Lou]

That's right.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Superman's here. And we don't know what the. This guy wants to do with anything. Yeah, we're just taking his word for it. He's a good guy. Oh, is he?

[DJ Lou]

He was the first Mega Kansas. That's what Trump got all his.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

His Lex Luther, the misunderstood hero.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah, I like. He just took Batman versus Superman. He took Batman side.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[DJ Lou]

What are you doing?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Round two.

[DJ Lou]

Round two of the Perel.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah. Now I gotta get down to the. I gotta get down to the. Whatever the dermal level is below epidermis.

[DJ Lou]

Why don't you just get a lighter and light your hand on fire?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Oh, Christine, throw me my Zippo. You want to see something cool? I'm gonna be like Nikki 6 and fucking 87.

[DJ Lou]

You touch my balls. What a commitment for the bit. We could have faked it. Nobody's watching. It's not even video. You could. You could have just faked it.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

We did.

[DJ Lou]

We did.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

Yeah, dude.

[DJ Lou]

Oh, yeah.

[Big J. Ulkerson]

I didn't do anything. That would be crazy.

[DJ Lou]

Did you already touch. Did you?

[Big J. Ulkerson]

That would be great. Shut up, Lou. That'd be so crazy to touch your ball bag for real.

[DJ Lou]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I've never felt like this before. It's like you just get me. I feel like my true self with you. Does that sound crazy? And it doesn't hurt that you're gorgeous. Okay, that's it. I'm taking you home with me. I mean, you can't find shoes this good just anywhere. Find a shoe for every you from brands you love, like Birkenstock, Nike, Adidas and more at your dsw.store or dsw.com.