Traveling Funk with Mike Finoia

Summary

The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: Traveling Funk with Mike Finoia

Date: April 3, 2026
Special Guest: Mike Finoia

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Overview

In this episode, Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly are joined by comedian and Deadhead Mike Finoia for a typically wild, free-roaming conversation. The trio bounces between sharp-witted banter about music snobbery, stand-up comedy culture, race, relationships, and traveling show life, all while roasting each other in classic Bonfire style. The underlying theme centers on the peculiar rituals and “funk” of touring musicians and comics—or, as the hosts keep calling it, that “traveling funk.”

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Music, Hair, and Racial Stereotypes (01:03–05:50)

• Christine teases Jay about his girlfriend’s hair and racial identity, poking at how people’s looks and features get dissected in both serious and joking ways within families and friend groups.
• The crew riffs on beauty standards, hair types, and how people talk about their partners’ backgrounds.
• Memorable moment: Christine and Bobby joking about the aspiration of “Indian hair” among Black women and how deeply hair is tied to cultural perceptions.

Gender, Identity, and American Politics (03:25–05:54)

• Spirited hypotheticals on the U.S. ever electing a trans president, with banter about what qualifies as “an American cock” and riffing on names like “Bailey J.” and “Mia Isabella.”
  • “You show me the trans that’s passable that’s also got it in them to run for president…” — Christine (03:57)
  • “For American, we have to have an American cock. It’s gotta be perfect.” — Bobby Kelly (04:53)
• Irreverent, rapid-fire play on sexuality, gender, and stereotypes—true to the show’s raw comedic edge.

Mike Finoia’s Grateful Dead Show/SiriusXM Gig (06:02–07:29)

• Mike Finoia plugs his new Dead channel show and his tour with Ron White.
• Jay and Bobby, non-Dead fans, negotiate giving the Dead another shot. Christine and Jay tease ways Mike could talk through, and thereby rescue, long Dead jams.
  • “All dead, all day, all night.” — Jay Oakerson (06:53 & 06:55)
• Bobby complains, “Every song to me is boring…I just don’t get it” (07:21), setting up a discussion on taste, musicality, and culture.

The “Traveling Funk”—Nastiness on the Road (20:05–23:01)

• The hosts swap “road life” horror stories: smelly fans, makeshift showers in ponds, hair rituals, and hygiene wars at concerts and festivals ("Juggalos" versus Deadheads).
  • “They pour soda on themselves in the heat.” — Jay Oakerson (19:40)
• Mike reminisces about touring hygiene: baby wipes, Pantene, and gas station showers.
• Talk of dreadlocks in the subcultures of Dead and Phish fans versus Juggalos.
  • “They are a traveling funk…there’s layers of funk.” — Jay Oakerson (20:05)

Comedic Ballbusting and Stand-Up World Shoptalk (29:03–43:36)

• Extended bit where Bobby and Jay lampoon the Italian-American “family” routine, blending stereotypes about food, relationships, and neighborhood politics.
• Transition to stand-up photography and the “cringe” of comedians posting their own staged action shots for social media.
• Discuss how comics support each other (or not) online and face the weird visibility of social media presence.
  • “You should squat like you’re taking a shit in Japan, that’s not a good picture.” — Bobby Kelly (38:06)
  • “I don’t post my own headshots…” — Christine (40:24)

Comedy Special Roasts & David Vox Mullen Saga (43:38–51:45)

• A listener tips off David Vox Mullen that the Bonfire crew has been roasting his special, leading to a meta-discussion on the right way to handle mockery.
• Vox Mullen takes the high road, thanks the crew, and leverages the exposure for merch and site updates.
  • “He changed his website—‘As heard repeatedly (and unpaid) on The Bonfire.’” — Bobby Kelly/Christine (46:04)
• Christine proposes genius idea: have Vox Mullen review other comedians’ specials on their show, with everyone riffing on the comedic potential of “master impressions.”

“Girlfriend Experience” & Sex Worker Stories (58:32–59:56)

• The group swaps stories and fantasies around hiring prostitutes, not-so-glamorous real-life encounters, and the absurd gulf between Hollywood’s “Pretty Woman” and actual sex work.
  • “Girlfriend experience would tempt me…” — Jay Oakerson (59:54)
• Jay and Bobby riff on the difference between movie-style romance and transactional sex.
  • “They don’t have the marriage experience…go to Vegas and fight with them.” — Jay Oakerson (60:01)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On trans presidents:
  • “You show me the trans that’s passable that’s also got it in them to run for president…” — Christine (03:57)
• On the Grateful Dead:
  • “Every song to me is boring. I just don’t like them. I don’t get it.” — Bobby Kelly (07:21)
  • “All dead, all day, all night.” — Jay Oakerson (06:53)
• On touring hygiene:
  • “They pour soda on themselves in the heat.” — Jay Oakerson (19:40)
  • “They are a traveling funk…there’s layers of funk.” — Jay Oakerson (20:05)
• Comedian social media awkwardness:
  • “You should squat like you're taking a shit in Japan, that’s not a good picture.” — Bobby Kelly (38:06)
  • “I don’t post my own headshots…” — Christine (40:24)
• Meta on being roasted:
  • “He changed his website—‘As heard repeatedly (and unpaid) on The Bonfire.’” — Bobby Kelly/Christine (46:04)
• On prostitution and the “girlfriend experience”:
  • “Girlfriend experience would tempt me…” — Jay Oakerson (59:54)
  • “They don’t have the marriage experience…go to Vegas and fight with them.” — Jay Oakerson (60:01)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:03 — Main show start/banter on race, relationships, and hair.
• 03:25–05:54 — Extended trans president/gender identity riff.
• 06:02–07:29 — Mike Finoia announces SiriusXM Dead show; Deadhead vs. non-Deadhead dispute.
• 20:05–23:01 — “Traveling funk” and hygiene on the road.
• 29:03–43:36 — Italian-American “family” parody, stand-up promo photo cringe.
• 43:38–51:45 — David Vox Mullen meta-roast and idea for future show involvement.
• 58:32–59:56 — Prostitution, the “pretty woman” fantasy, and “girlfriend experience.”

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Tone & Style

• Brisk, irreverent, and brutally self-aware; equal parts sharp, silly, and crass, true to The Bonfire’s rep.
• Comedic affection mixed with ruthless ballbusting and slice-of-life observations around stand-up life.
• Frequent sidebars and callback humor give the episode a rambling, buddy-hangout feel.

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Summary

This episode stands as a perfect microcosm of how The Bonfire blends sharp stand-up comedy insights, subculture analysis, and freewheeling crowdwork into a comedic “traveling funk” all its own. Whether riffing on the ranks of Deadheads, debating musical taste, lampooning identity politics, or daring fellow comics into self-deprecation, Jay, Bobby, and Mike keep things unpredictable, raucous, and hilarious throughout.

For fans with a love of honest, edgy humor about comedy, culture, and debauchery on the road, "Traveling Funk" is a must-listen.

Transcript

[Bobby Kelly]

I have great news. Malcolm in the Middle is back. My life is fantastic now in a four part event.

[Jay Oakerson]

All I had to do is stay completely away from my family.

[Bobby Kelly]

Your biggest problem is that we exist. Everyone's invited to the Can't Miss reunion of the year.

[Jay Oakerson]

This family's behavior is toxic to me. We all just take turns fighting and creating disasters.

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Jay Oakerson]

And now the bonfire with Big J

[Bobby Kelly]

Okerson and Robert Kelly. Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Oh, the magic's been hanging out with his black girlfriend again. It's the joint. She said something recently to him about like, oh, you don't know this. This is old school.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know anything.

[Christine]

According to she goes this song is all my grandparents met too.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is she black? Yeah.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I thought she. She looks more Indian. You look something different than you are. Wow. You get. You stick up for her like you stick up for Eddie Veter. You just snap.

[Christine]

I mean, two loves.

[Bobby Kelly]

He really the two loves his girl and Eddie Vet.

[Christine]

You can take a hot on his twin brother's head. You don't give a.

[Bobby Kelly]

Doesn't give a. He'll stab you in the neck immediately. You talk about Eddie Veter and his chicken.

[Christine]

His black chick.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't know why is that an insult?

[Christine]

And why any better?

[Bobby Kelly]

She's American. But so is he. Why is being looking Indian or a little Indian? That's not an insult.

[Christine]

Looks like she has Indian in her family. She has a good hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

I took it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I took it wrong. You're right.

[Bobby Kelly]

You did. I mean, isn't that the dream of all black girls have Indian. Indian lady hair.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you're right.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right.

[Christine]

And she has nice long hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, she does. She has beautiful hair. She didn't buy it.

[Christine]

It's probably because there's Indian in her bloodline. And you should apologize to Robert.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sorry, Robert. She doesn't have that nappy hair.

[Bobby Kelly]

She has beautiful long Indian hair. I was talking about those people Whoa. Sorry. Geez.

[Christine]

No, I like what he's saying. She has normal people lips. She has.

[Bobby Kelly]

She does have normal people lips.

[Christine]

She has a thin nose.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Her fingers are not ashy or. Nor her elbows.

[Christine]

American nose for sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Does she have creams and stuff at the house? Oh, yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

The best skin.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, there's. No, that's not my question. Is there a lot of like creams, Cocoa butter. Oh, because of the ashy elbow thing.

[Christine]

Oh, wow. Damn, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

You said what I said. I. You should talk to her. I think she has a little. A little something in her. Not just she has a little something. She's a mix.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Lose dick.

[Christine]

That's the kind of burns you're gonna be catching all day. From our guest, Mike Fenoy in the Chicks Love Dicks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Mike's got a new show. He's. He's part of the love Dicks.

[Christine]

Chicks love dicks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Little dicks. I love chicks with dicks.

[Christine]

Chicks with dicks.

[Bobby Kelly]

Chicks with dicks. Chicks with chicks, man.

[Christine]

Will that ever be shouted by a group of thousands?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes. Sooner than you think. This country keeps going the way it is, Jay.

[Christine]

Will that ever be yelled out by a group of thousands? How chicks with dicks. Jack's wet.

[Bobby Kelly]

If we ever get a trans president, we gotta do that.

[Christine]

That will not happen in our lifetime.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't think so?

[Christine]

No, I don't.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're so close.

[Christine]

That's not even so true.

[Jay Oakerson]

Unless they keep it a secret until the last day of the term.

[Christine]

Oh, yeah, Tell me. You show me the trans that's passable, that's also got it in them. To run for president, you're either dedicating your entire life to be as much as a woman as possible, so you have to surprise people last minute with your big huge flopping dick. Or you could be a Janet Reno looking fucking bitch. And in politics.

[Bobby Kelly]

Janet Reno, what a pull.

[Christine]

No.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, imagine like a lady with an Abe Lincoln beard to cover her Adam's apple.

[Christine]

Yes, yes, that kind. Like a Chaz Bono.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's a girl out there right now, we call them unicorns, that has it all.

[Christine]

Absolutely.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I will vote for her immediately.

[Christine]

Bailey J. For president. That makes sense to you? Mia Isabella for president.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, she's too talkative.

[Christine]

What are you talking about? What we need.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, dick's way too big.

[Christine]

Dick is way too big.

[Jay Oakerson]

What if they identify as president and vice.

[Christine]

Okay, I don't mind that they them. Now do you think. Are you thinking more of like an Emma Rose? Like a tiny little penis chick with dick president?

[Bobby Kelly]

No. I think for an American, we have to have an American cock. It's gotta be perfect. Like the American, you know, standard. You came too small.

[Christine]

Like eagle wings on the side.

[Bobby Kelly]

That wouldn't be bad.

[Jay Oakerson]

High cholesterol.

[Bobby Kelly]

She shaves her bush fat into like fucking the flag.

[Christine]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think it's. Hers is a little too small. I think. I think her weenie is a little too small. And Mia Isabella too big.

[Christine]

How about the other one we had in here? What was the name of the other one? No, no, no, that was abba. No, no, no. Mia Isabella came in with another lady set over here that Christine discovered eventually was a pretty good looking guy with a pretty big dick.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

And then became a strange looking lady with a. With a. I guess, okay. Sized dick.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't like that. She puts a flannel on and calls it a day.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is that a prerequisite? You have to have like Mia Isabella, Bailey J.

[Christine]

Not bad. That's a good point.

[Jay Oakerson]

Quite a lot of that, huh?

[Christine]

Emma Rose.

[Jay Oakerson]

Emma Rose, Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think you do have to have two first names.

[Christine]

They just have to be both women's names. Two girl names. Cancel your boy name.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have to take all those letters and make your original name Ralphie.

[Jay Oakerson]

One boy name equals two girl names.

[Christine]

We should say this weekend, Mike Fenoy is in Sugarland, Texas, and Biloxi, Mississippi, with Ron White. On tour with Ron White as we speak. And starting this spring, you can hear Mikey. This is big news.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Every Saturday night, his own show on the grateful dead, channel 23, right here on Sirius XM.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna give it a shot. You know, I. I hate the dead. I hate fish. But I'm gonna give you. I'm gonna. One night on Saturday I'm gonna get in a chair, a nice boring chair. I'm gonna. Maybe outside with a cigar and I'm gonna put your channel on. Okay, I'm gonna give it a shot. Thank you. I'm gonna give. I'm not gonna. I'm gonna give. Not you. Because I believe in you.

[Christine]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

I believe in you. You I believe in. Did you get your teeth done? You look good. Yeah, sparkling, dude. They look great. I'm gonna give you. I'm gonna give the Dead another. Another try. Is it all dead?

[Jay Oakerson]

All dead all day.

[Bobby Kelly]

All dead. All day. All night.

[Jay Oakerson]

All night.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Jay Oakerson]

Why don't you let me know what night you're listening and I'll play the most boring fucking Dead songs.

[Christine]

I think you should your. I think, Mike, if you time it right, there's A way Mikey could talk in between a song enough that you can make a song with the amount of time like you have. Talk time. Yeah. Versus music time.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

I bet you can stretch a song out the entire time.

[Jay Oakerson]

I totally.

[Christine]

We're coming back with the third stanza of.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right now. Mike, you don't have to worry about what I'm listening to, because every song to me is boring. So. I mean, I just don't like him. I don't get it. Okay, but I'm gonna give.

[Christine]

Michelle. There's no song at all, ever. I mean, they made a Song for the world, and I have to say, it pretty much worked, right? Touch of Gray. I mean, put on Touch of Gray. Come on. I like Touch a Gray. It's great lyrics.

[Bobby Kelly]

You.

[Jay Oakerson]

You like more dead than you think you do.

[Christine]

Well, I like.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's true, Jay. You like way more than you think you do.

[Christine]

This song rules.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just think it's kind of.

[Christine]

They came out in the 80s and they were like, hey, guys, listen, here's a song for you guys. Yeah, here's a song for you. The regular people who just like music and don't want to experience something with every song.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is the part that. This is the. That goes on too long for me. And then his voice.

[Christine]

Well, the guy was dying. Always. He always had something in his throat.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's all right. It sounds like he can. And don't. Please don't attack me like Lewitt. If I was talking about Eddie Vedder.

[Jay Oakerson]

Please.

[Bobby Kelly]

I know that you love them, but it sounds. His voice. It sounds like he can't sing, but he's singing, you know? Bobby, does that make sense?

[Christine]

It does. He can't sing. You're right. He's not a good singer.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's. I.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's one of my favorite singers, but

[Christine]

he's not a good singer. He's not a good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Better than Journey. Yeah. Really?

[Jay Oakerson]

I like him better than.

[Christine]

No, you don't.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's why I don't have a show on the Journey Channel.

[Christine]

No, you like him better, for sure. But I'm saying something about, like, a talent of voice. I'm not talking about how people sound versus what they.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm talking about talent.

[Christine]

I. Eddie Vedder doesn't have. I'm so sorry. Doesn't have a good voice. It works for the. He does a music choice that makes sense for what he sounds like.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right? Jim Morrison doesn't have a great voice. He didn't.

[Christine]

No, not at all.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can you just deal with the question? Was prop.

[Christine]

I Agree.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay. But melodically, it works for him. Melodically.

[Christine]

Good words, good voices. There's like. Meatloaf had a good voice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sure. Steve Perry has a great voice.

[Christine]

Great voice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Great voice.

[Christine]

Absolutely. Getty Lee, It's a thing. He has a thing.

[Jay Oakerson]

Mark Knopfler thing. Thing.

[Christine]

He has a thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ozzy Osbourne thing. It's a thing. I thought Ozzy had a good. It's a thing. Only he can sing it like that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Let me ask you a question.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, sir.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do you like Crosby and Young that harmonizes?

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't like the Young part because I think he is not a good singer.

[Christine]

He's a terrible singer.

[Bobby Kelly]

Terrible singer. He's not a good singer, but he. That's his thing. You know what I mean? I get it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think a lot of these dudes probably got. From this era, Neil Young, Grateful Dead, whatever, they kind of, like, fell into it and they're like, well, you're the best of the worst singers.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right? I think that they're great musicians. I think they love jamming. And then one guy had to sing, and they picked the best of the guys that could sing.

[Christine]

Well, Bobby, also, you're not. I'm surprised you don't like the Dead more because. Or are you. Are you a guy who, like, do lyrics smack you?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, lyrics hit me, because that's why I'm surprised.

[Christine]

Touch of Gray, I thought it's got such, like, the concept of the song. Every silver Lining's got a touch of gray. It's such a good.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it's a really well written song. But you know what?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna give it a shot, dude, I'm telling you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Let me know what day you're listening.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't.

[Christine]

Don't. Play the worst Touch of Gray over and over again.

[Bobby Kelly]

Play the best. I'm gonna hear the best.

[Jay Oakerson]

Truck.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Again, it's like tr.

[Christine]

No trucking. Stinks.

[Jay Oakerson]

Doesn't stink.

[Christine]

It's not good. Friend of the Devil's a good song. Really good song.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

It sounds good.

[Jay Oakerson]

I like all of it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I like the devil. Anytime the devil's in the. In the title, I'm. It sounds kind of. But I bet it's not, like, devily.

[Christine]

No, it's not devily.

[Bobby Kelly]

Probably hippie, right?

[Christine]

It's.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think if I did drugs, I would like it more if I could get high.

[Jay Oakerson]

If. If the Grateful Dead is what gets you back on drugs, mission accomplished.

[Bobby Kelly]

That'd be great, wouldn't it?

[Jay Oakerson]

Let's do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just became a Deadhead. That's it. I just.

[Jay Oakerson]

You came back the right way. Just psychedelics.

[Christine]

Leave your family.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just smell and travel the country.

[Jay Oakerson]

Do I smell?

[Bobby Kelly]

Sometimes Bad. Good.

[Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Christine]

I'm gonna call you Bob. I'm gonna call you Bob Hanian.

[Jay Oakerson]

I love you, Bobby.

[Christine]

You're. You're Bob Hanian.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love, I love, I love. I love when people grab my muscles.

[Christine]

Dude, I would love to see bohemian Bob Boho. Bobby Boho Bobby. Just traveling around making grilled cheeses for everybody.

[Bobby Kelly]

I make my own hats out of t. Sh hurts.

[Christine]

Yes.

[Jay Oakerson]

It is what it is, bro.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, man, you just gotta go with what you go with.

[Christine]

Bobby's smoking a cigar and a leather jacket. Being the head of the NOS mafia

[Jay Oakerson]

final fat with a pH.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's a good idea. That's how Jay would do it.

[Christine]

That's it. Get some sleep tonight.

[Bobby Kelly]

What is that, Bob? No, it's too sexy.

[Christine]

That's way too sexy.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not a fucking honest.

[Christine]

Bohemian wigs.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's too hot. You gotta. It's gonna be dirty. I'm not gonna wash it. Yeah, I'm traveling.

[Christine]

Maybe some dreads.

[Jay Oakerson]

If you grew your hair, where would it grow?

[Christine]

I'd like Bobby with some white boy dreads.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would have hair all around the side and then a nice little baby curl on top.

[Jay Oakerson]

You really. You get it?

[Bobby Kelly]

Like, right here. Right here. I have a patch which.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I get the shower curtain.

[Bobby Kelly]

You get it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I have like. If I let it grow, I have like, fucking.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, we should let our hair grow for a year. Let's do it and just see what happens.

[Christine]

Can we have. Can we get two of these? Can.

[Jay Oakerson]

Me and Bobby wouldn't touch one in that year.

[Bobby Kelly]

Doesn't touch a. Now, I had a fight this morning with Don. I'm like, I keep giving you compliments. I keep telling you you're pretty. I keep snuggling up to you. I keep doing all the stuff that my therapist told me to do. And you give me lookouts. Could you do. I was last night, in the middle of night, I got a hard on that I almost took a picture of. It was so good. It was filled. I will next time. I didn't think of that.

[Jay Oakerson]

You should have got.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, it was your butt. Now, granted, I was lying and all the fat was. You know. But I had it with my hand. And then another hand.

[Christine]

Nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I was holding it and it was full. You know how your penis sometimes can fill completely?

[Christine]

Just. Just so the world understands? I want to make sure we're painting the Picture correctly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Christine]

Because I understand what you're doing. Two fister. Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Two fister.

[Christine]

I've gotten two fists on my thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

That bottom fist, though, is really pounding down into your fucking base.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's down to the bone. It's down to the cervix.

[Jay Oakerson]

You got a pinky in the butt. It's.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's down.

[Christine]

And the top. And the bottom fist is also actually two fingers with two. With the two bottom ones resting on your ball bag.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

There's ball skin coming through the finger creases.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh. I was pushing with all my strength.

[Christine]

The first one's doing. The right arm is doing the heavy lifting that left. Just getting a grip of what's. Of what you're exposing.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's tying off a balloon.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was. I was slapping it. I was slapping it, knocking it around.

[Christine]

I call that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sitting there, I'm like, this should be in something. This should be making a girl go. And then that last. Nothing. No. All I hear is no. Oh, God.

[Christine]

Meanwhile, you're fucking alto clarinetting your fucking wang.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, man. I almost.

[Jay Oakerson]

I almost Clearing the. Clearing the spit valve.

[Bobby Kelly]

I actually turned on that. That. I had my phone in my hand. So I went to that Philly porn girl and I brought up a video, and I watched with no sound, a little bit of the video of her. And then I shut it off. I was like, this is too creepy. My wife is right there. There's a vagina right here. I could just stick it in. I think I might just stick it in. I mean, I might just. Just.

[Jay Oakerson]

How long you been married, dude?

[Bobby Kelly]

Coming up on 19 years.

[Jay Oakerson]

You could do that imminent domain or something like that, right? Something like that, yeah.

[Christine]

Public domain.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's public domain.

[Christine]

It's public domain.

[Jay Oakerson]

Isn't like 2ft of everybody's yard, like, belong to the state?

[Bobby Kelly]

It does, yeah. That brick wall in your backyard. Not yours, not yours, not mine.

[Christine]

I think marital rape is off the table after 15 years. You say that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah. It would just take me so long to just rub it for it to break the seal and the lava to come out.

[Christine]

Yeah. I hope you get her pregnant and make her have an abortion.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'd have to put a pussy in the microwave to fucking heated up. Oh, my God.

[Jay Oakerson]

What if you dream raped her? What if that happened?

[Bobby Kelly]

Let me take the time.

[Christine]

Yeah. If she wakes up while it's happening, you act like you just woke up too. I did what?

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God. We don't have sex conscious. We must be having sex unconscious.

[Bobby Kelly]

There was a Time where I was having sex dreams and I was. I think I told you this. I was. I. The Indian on the butter. Remember her?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Land O' Lakes.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was. I saw her by the river and I went down to her and we started making out and we were just fucking passion kissing. And then I woke up and I was making out with Dawn. Apparently in my sleep, I was. I guess I rolled over and started kissing Dawn. And I woke up and I was kissing dawn and she was up fully making back out with me. And I was like, oh, fuck, now I have to. I'm not going to fucking Indian. I'm going to fuck a Pollock from Everett, Massachusetts.

[Christine]

Yeah, it is different.

[Bobby Kelly]

Bobby's.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby falls asleep.

[Christine]

Not like Vijay Lou, who gets that sweet Indian loving every single night.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bobby falls asleep and he's buttering an English muffin.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's up?

[Christine]

We should order two of these. You know, listen to Mike's show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

With dreadlocks on our head.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think that's perfect. That's exactly what my hair would look like. I'd have to shave like a little circle on the front.

[Jay Oakerson]

Dude, imagine male pattern baldness dreads.

[Bobby Kelly]

They have you bring that up. That happens to be.

[Christine]

Yeah, that happens. What are you talking about? Of course it happens. Comedian Warren Hutchinson's going through that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Wclef Jean went through it for a while. And then. What's. What's the biggest. Dude, Billy Ocean looks crazy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Stevie Wonder.

[Christine]

The worst.

[Jay Oakerson]

Eddie Grant. Does he have him?

[Christine]

I don't know, but I'll tell you that for sure. Billy. Oceans are gnarly.

[Jay Oakerson]

Whoa, look at that one right there. Dead center.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that's rough. But they got. They probably went bald from those dreads, right? Don't you go bald from dreads?

[Christine]

I think it's not. We're not, buddy. Because we're going to put dreads over our heads.

[Bobby Kelly]

Whoa, look at that. Do you know about dreads being in the culture?

[Jay Oakerson]

Shut up.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm just.

[Jay Oakerson]

What's the culture like?

[Christine]

Someone's definitely asked you to tighten their fucking dreads before. Someone just need to twist the fucking

[Jay Oakerson]

bases before I tell you.

[Christine]

We've been doing this while you were telling a story. Goes. Yeah, dude, fourth set tonight was sick.

[Bobby Kelly]

You've definitely. You've definitely been in a teepee. Titan and dreads.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I will tell you. And you know how germaphobe I am. I don't fit in well to the things I love. You know what I mean? One time I got a rogue dancing girl dread in the eye. And like, I Was convinced I was gonna get, like, look, eye like one. I was just gonna get my eyes in a fill with pus and gross. Like, like every time I sneeze, like, Grateful Dead bears are gonna fly out of my eyes and stuff. But I got, like, a dread in the eye and I got like, I need to go, like, rinse my eye.

[Christine]

Felix. If Felix Unger went to fucking, wasn't Felix the uptight one? Yeah, yeah. If you went to, like, fucking Dead show is Mike's. People are dancing around, like, just keeps spraying them with, like, Lysol and stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

He keeps picking up pieces of Dread with his umbrella.

[Jay Oakerson]

One time at a Fish concert, I turned to my two friends and I go, do you ever feel like it's us versus them? And he was like, what the fuck are you talking about? The audience, them versus me and my two buddies. Because everyone's, like, loud and dancing and having a good time. I just want to be like, but they are.

[Bobby Kelly]

But they are, like, smelly people. Not all of them, but there are smelly people.

[Jay Oakerson]

Just like there are smelly people at but, you know, Aerosmith concerts.

[Christine]

I would say there's more smelly.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would say if we had a smell test, I'm sure I'd say the

[Christine]

Smellies are the smelly Go to. What? You go to.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Well, you smelly smell, but you too. That, that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Juggalo. I mean, that's.

[Bobby Kelly]

That. That's the smelliest.

[Jay Oakerson]

That is the smelliest.

[Christine]

Well, I don't know if that's true because I feel like most people from that one came. Well, it's three days. Only a year.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can I just say this? I think that they look the smelliest. I think the Dread girls at least have sundresses on, you know? Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

You guys are wearing, like.

[Christine]

I don't know, there's something about suits.

[Jay Oakerson]

Like.

[Christine]

Yeah, but they're not like Snyder, but that's not like a cut off. It's not like a cut off jean shorts, like, been wearing the same underwear for, like, five days. Culture that, like, this doesn't lean into that. Those guys go three days and just go gross to the max.

[Jay Oakerson]

They pour soda on themselves in the heat.

[Christine]

It's disgust in those three days. It's gnarly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wash with soda. They do.

[Christine]

No, you're right. But here's the thing. If they were Grateful Dead or Fish people when they packed up after the gathering of the Juggalos without a shower again, they just go on to the next concert and start all over again.

[Bobby Kelly]

But your fans accumulate smell yes. Over a year.

[Christine]

They're a traveling funk.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, totally. There's layers of funk.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

Now what I would do when I was on the road for like, couple weeks at a time.

[Christine]

Oh, is this travel and funk?

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you did it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I did. I did. Like Long Runs.

[Christine]

That's my favorite song. It's traveling funk.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's Franklin's Tower and you know it.

[Christine]

Traveling funk. Girlfriend ain't watch the in one fortnight.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll tell you what. It's an honor to be hosting this new show on the Grateful Dead show for you. Heads out there. You know where to find me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, there's a. It's a huge fan base.

[Jay Oakerson]

What I used to do was I would get a bottle of Pantene Pro V because I had pour it all over everybody and every river that we drove by or whatever. A pond. Yeah, I'd running in there. And I would take gas station showers at like, the pilot. Did you say on the highway?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm sorry, you said you went into a pond and showered?

[Christine]

Yeah. Because why not rinse out your Pantene with fish?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Why not have turtle jizz all over your head?

[Jay Oakerson]

That's the best stuff for your dreads. What do you think keeps those things together?

[Christine]

Fish? It's really what tightens up the bases.

[Bobby Kelly]

Would you wipe your ass with a lily pod?

[Jay Oakerson]

No baby wipes, man.

[Christine]

That was really funny, by the way, watching when I was on the tour with Corn. I forgot when I interviewed Fieldy, the bass player who never quite liked me. Yeah, I love that he was replaced with a guy who's a straight up fan. Raw. What a great dude. He was replaced with a guy who, like, loves me.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's great.

[Christine]

But he. Fieldy, when I was on tour, they wanted me to go interview him in the afternoon, the tour for, like, their socials. And I went on his bus and it was just so funny because he was in the process. Like, his crew guys that are all have to be like super religious and stuff too. Like, they all have to like do Bible studies if you're on his bus.

[Bobby Kelly]

Really?

[Christine]

He was super serious. But funny enough, he quit the band ultimately a couple years ago now. Maybe like three, maybe like five, six years ago now. He kind of left the band because he was relapsing, I think. But so he's in all the Jesus stuff and he just had a crew of other Hispanic and white guys on his bus that he's teaching them how to like, dreadlock there. He was like, red locking people's hair for them. Like, he's the guy to go to on the corn tour. You know what? I've been out long enough. I want my dreads. All right, man. Come on the bus.

[Jay Oakerson]

Go to the creperie.

[Bobby Kelly]

When you make a dread, do you have to like, you use your own poo? Like, how do you make your own dreads?

[Jay Oakerson]

They use, I think like a beeswax kind of thing, you know? It's beeswax, isn't it?

[Bobby Kelly]

Beeswax? Dude, you're the dread.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's been a couple years. I'm sure the technology's changed.

[Christine]

I think I heard one point the best stuff to use is beeswax, which is very certain brand. But I heard it from some girl I don't know. She want to suck my dick. I didn't let her.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you ever hook up with a dread chick?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

How was it?

[Christine]

Stank.

[Bobby Kelly]

How did you get through the forest?

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna tell you the truth.

[Christine]

It's one of those pussies where like if you look while they're fucking, there's like a. There's like a milk gathering around like where your dick's going in there. You know what I mean? Yeah, there's like a froth.

[Bobby Kelly]

You had it to eat her pussy. It's like looking for a pimple and a beard spreading.

[Christine]

Oh, that, that muck. You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about, dude, it's like brie cheese on the outside of your ding dong. But it's coming from inside of her

[Jay Oakerson]

like a broken burrata.

[Christine]

Yes, a busted burrata.

[Bobby Kelly]

Looks like one of those Chinese omelets.

[Christine]

You guys make the best high end food references.

[Jay Oakerson]

A busted burrata. I. I have a thing I got. I can't be with a girl that's got hairy armpits, hairy legs.

[Bobby Kelly]

Fuck all that, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

No fucking way.

[Bobby Kelly]

So you never hooked her up? I'm Italian, right?

[Jay Oakerson]

As an Italian American, fish as Italian.

[Bobby Kelly]

And the hairiest women on the planet.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you gotta wax that.

[Christine]

But at least she makes a good Sunday gravy.

[Jay Oakerson]

Treat us with some money.

[Bobby Kelly]

Golf. So you never hooked up with a chick?

[Christine]

We're bumming out, Lou.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, we're sorry.

[Christine]

We're not making fun of Sebastian.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, no. We're making fun of other ones.

[Christine]

God, you love this guy so hard you let those talk about my comedy. Lou, why was you doing Lou? You're just gonna let that stunard and that gabon.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was talking to Corey, Ellie, and he said you were letting him talk about me.

[Christine]

He Said you were laughing.

[Jay Oakerson]

Did I ever invite you over for Sunday sauce?

[Bobby Kelly]

You gotta go over and hit the button. The button.

[Christine]

Maybe they'll invite you over to their house for San Gennaro.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm never gonna hook you up with a scally cap again.

[Jay Oakerson]

My wife's knitting you a garlic bread necklace.

[Christine]

Lou. I gave you the Discman they gave me in my Oscar's gift bag.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go.

[Jay Oakerson]

Would you have a Vince Vaughn's Wild west comedy door poster over your bed if it wasn't for me?

[Christine]

You. You're gonna make fun of me with those two fat assholes? And why and where and who.

[Jay Oakerson]

You call yourself a compadre of mine.

[Christine]

You're supposed to be a bison. Where? When? Why would you do that?

[Bobby Kelly]

I allowed you to produce my show, and you date a black girl and you do this behind my back?

[Jay Oakerson]

I let you borrow my Firebird for your first. First date.

[Christine]

You bring one of these Dutchoons to my house and my wife's cooking for. They got different palates.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had to get hot sauce.

[Jay Oakerson]

You got me googling plantains over here. Keep it in the family.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't want to have to make you pick, but it might be coming. Forget about it.

[Jay Oakerson]

I listened to that Vitalogy, that elderly woman behind the counter of a tiny little store in the suburbs.

[Christine]

He keeps singing about how sad he is about stuff. I mean, shouldn't he be embarrassed?

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, that Vader guy is a fan of mine.

[Jay Oakerson]

Hey, he's playing.

[Christine]

He's playing a tiny guitar.

[Jay Oakerson]

This Jeremy won't shut up in class. If I talked in class today, Back of the head.

[Christine]

My father. If I came home and told him that I was getting in trouble in school, he'd shoot me at the house.

[Jay Oakerson]

He'd say, hey, you're nine. Start a business. All nervous.

[Bobby Kelly]

Lou, you gonna cut all that out?

[Jay Oakerson]

You want me to spin the black sweet St. Lucia?

[Christine]

Oh, I let you sleep in my slave quarters when you come out the Los Angeles.

[Bobby Kelly]

I let your girl go in my po. Even though something might have happened, the color might have changed.

[Christine]

I let your girl go in my pool knowing her hair might clog my drains.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I don't mind stealing bread.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had to clean the shower drain. There was a torch spider from her head.

[Christine]

My wife jumps. She goes, oh, what is this?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he relax, relax.

[Christine]

What are you doing?

[Bobby Kelly]

Why you doing.

[Christine]

Why are you doing that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Why you going to go?

[Christine]

Why would you even do that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Why would you turn against me?

[Jay Oakerson]

She called it Parmesan cheese. I said, what? Parmesan.

[Christine]

It's not Phonetic. You bang bad.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had to get avocado for the salad.

[Christine]

She says she wants me to find out jokes. It's 10pm.

[Jay Oakerson]

What do I. What am I, Trader Joe?

[Christine]

You want me to find all choke at?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm going to choke this broad right now.

[Jay Oakerson]

What are we living? What are my green acres growing? Artichokes.

[Christine]

Beverly Hills, that is.

[Bobby Kelly]

She asked me who Frank Sinatra was.

[Christine]

I almost went upside at night.

[Bobby Kelly]

Ah, Lou, God bless you. This has nothing to do with me.

[Christine]

I know he's your godfather.

[Bobby Kelly]

Would you pick up any affiliation with Sebastian Maniscalco?

[Jay Oakerson]

I hope your first two child is a masculine.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had to let Lou go. He was dating one of those colored girls.

[Christine]

He kept bringing her to the shows, bringing down the property value. Why?

[Jay Oakerson]

What he doing?

[Bobby Kelly]

Why? I like looking out and seeing white faces.

[Jay Oakerson]

I treat StubHub like Zillow. You got to keep those prices up in the neighborhood.

[Christine]

Oh, oh. I like a good old Sebastian. Lou Jabs.

[Jay Oakerson]

It feels so good on your throat. Sebastian.

[Christine]

It's so fun to do. Sebastian.

[Jay Oakerson]

Sometimes I do Sebastian in my dog when I'm just walking. You're gonna take a dump there, Mikey.

[Christine]

Call my phone real quick.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sure. You know what these days feel like? Everything costs. More groceries, gas, bills. It all adds up. And we've all felt the pressure of trying to make our money stretch a little further. I'm always going over the budgets and what I can buy and my wife's. You don't need it. We can't get it. It's a real tough thing to actually take care of what you're spending, have a savings. It's just rough out there for everyone. So when the tax refund hits and you're thinking, what's the best way to keep more in your POC without giving something up? Well, here's the real life hack for you. Switch to Metro and save with no activation fees and get one line of 5G for only 25 bucks. Yep, only 25 bucks. And no contracts that get in the way. The best thing, you can keep the phone you love and keep your number. That's a lot of ands, but that's exactly the point. Get that more for your money feeling only at Metro. Visit your local store on metrobyt mobile.com and switch today. $30 first month, $25 after with autopay. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. A lot of things to stress about. And I'll tell you one of my biggest one is financial stress. Everybody, no matter where you are, what you make, finances always come into play. You're always trying to figure out how much is coming in and what you need to spend. I've got a kid, I got a wife, you got a house. Everybody has these problems. But BetterHelp connects people with a licensed therapist who can help you and help you manage that emotional weight that comes with financial stress. Financial stress impacts more than the budget. At the start of this year, 88% of Americans reported feeling some sort of financial stress. Money worries can disrupt sleep, increase anxiety, and create tension in relationships. Boy, do I know that. BetterHelp works with over 30 30,000 licensed therapists. A short questionnaire matches you with someone based on your needs so you can focus on your goals instead of navigating the search process. With more than 12 years of experience and an industry leading match rate, BetterHelp typically gets it right the first time. If it's not a right fit, you can switch at any time. BetterHelp has served over 6 million people globally and may help if finance stress is weighing on you. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com bonfire that's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com bonfire Hey, spring is the season for closet cleanouts. It's the perfect time to narrow down your wardrobe to pieces that are well made and easy to wear all the time. That's where quince comes in. With quints, you get fabrics that feel elevated, fits that are well thought out, and pricing that actually makes sense. Quince works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen so you're paying for quality, not brand markups. Everything is designed to last and make getting dressed easy. I just got this new spring jacket that I can't wait to wear. It's light. It's a kind of a barracuda thing. It looks perfect with everything, but the greatest part is the quality of it. You can tell when you put a jacket on if it was made good or not. If it's going to last in this jacket, I love it. Make sure you go right now. Refresh your wardrobe with quince. Go to Quints for free shipping and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. Go to Q U I n c e.com bonfire for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com bonfire if you've ever felt overwhelmed by the idea of learning a new language, you're not alone. Studies show that 70 to 90% of people trying to learn a new Language. Language. They give up. Fortunately, Babbel's built so that it's really easy to get started. They understand that people learn differently. So you can dive into a podcast when you don't quite feel like a quick lesson. You can speak out loud to get that practice in. You can explore courses based on specific topics and even create your own customized review list all within the app. Listen, I went to Costa Rica. Everybody knows. And I saved somebody life. Ayuta. That's what I heard. Ayuda. I knew what that meant. Because a bad Babel. That means help. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babel subscription at babel.com forward/bonfire. Get up to 60 off at babel.com forward slash bonfire. Spelled B, A, B, B, E L.com forward slash bonfire. Rules and restrictions may apply.

[Jay Oakerson]

Are you on silent?

[Christine]

No. Why would. It's not that. No, it came through, but I just. You can't see.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll call you again.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'll call you again.

[Christine]

It's. It's not making it calling. It's just doing. It's not failing. It doesn't matter because you can still see. Look at the picture when Mikey calls me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that Sebastian?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it's Sebastian like this?

[Christine]

It's Sebastian like this. The best one, huh? Did you see the. His newest promo? Promo photo? I sent it, yes. It's so Italian.

[Jay Oakerson]

Befuddled guinea.

[Bobby Kelly]

Isn't he like something else? He's not full of Italian, right? I think he's not full Italian.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's 38% hilarious.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sicilian. Is he full Sicilian?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, some people.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that what he told you, Lou, when you read my bio on the air?

[Christine]

He does or what? He does.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't want them to know about my Albany.

[Jay Oakerson]

You might have seen him in Toscana as a baby.

[Christine]

Oh, it's. Every time I call it, this going. What do you want?

[Jay Oakerson]

You're calling me now to talk?

[Christine]

Yeah. You want to talk now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why you got to get in a queue?

[Christine]

Where?

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Christine]

How au. And sometimes. Why would you do that? I remember when sometimes I just stare at this picture basket that's the newest. Bring it up. Why somebody's newborn. He goes, what?

[Bobby Kelly]

Just.

[Christine]

I can't even get started with anything. I'm so much going on in my head at once.

[Bobby Kelly]

He go, is that his pinky? Really?

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

He goes.

[Bobby Kelly]

The algorithm, Christine.

[Christine]

It's in the. The bonfire.

[Bobby Kelly]

When I saw Sebastian at Madison Square Garden, 2024.

[Jay Oakerson]

He had.

[Bobby Kelly]

I was backstage. Jacob. I'm telling a story. Whoa, now you don't get it.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I want to hear it. Tell me. Tell me. They had cardboard cutouts of him making

[Bobby Kelly]

that face every so you could take a selfie with it. Plus, in his backstage, all the pillows

[Jay Oakerson]

had Sebastian's face on it.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was that face everywhere you look.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's so great.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want a Sebastian pillow.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm befuddled as well with the guy.

[Christine]

Even my couches don't know what's going on.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is your back hurting? Use my face. I identify as confused.

[Jay Oakerson]

He.

[Christine]

Hey, who? Huh? Why? Why, why? Who?

[Bobby Kelly]

You third base.

[Christine]

If you don't make good meatballs, I don't care.

[Jay Oakerson]

So my kids, they keep growing.

[Christine]

I guess that's what they do.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hey, honey, Lou wants to come over with that black chick again. What should I do?

[Christine]

What do I do?

[Jay Oakerson]

She didn't even take her shoes off

[Bobby Kelly]

last time she took home desserts. Who does that?

[Christine]

Yeah, who takes home dessert?

[Jay Oakerson]

You can't bring a box of anginets with you. Read the room guy.

[Bobby Kelly]

She brought a queen of mine. What the gay dessert is that?

[Jay Oakerson]

You never heard of Panettone, huh?

[Bobby Kelly]

Or Toblerone, maybe?

[Jay Oakerson]

There it is. Why you do it?

[Bobby Kelly]

A nice tattooful.

[Christine]

Maybe the ticket prices have gone up 32% you're gonna make a thing about.

[Bobby Kelly]

But I'm not worth 32%.

[Christine]

You're gonna get to see me in the round.

[Jay Oakerson]

The thing is, I'm 38% more hilarious.

[Christine]

Sebastian Maniscalco.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's a 5%.

[Christine]

The only comedian who uses 99% of the stage.

[Bobby Kelly]

Corn, sour cream chicken. This chipotle fuck.

[Christine]

God damn. I'll tell you though, Josh just took some good pictures. But God bless people. To post your own picture of you in action shot is just. It's tough. I can't do it. He did. He took some. You saw Josh yesterday's thing. He had some nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

Josh is very photogenic.

[Christine]

Very photogenic. He looks. He looks good in the pictures. It's just like to take. But a lot of people do that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Like just got some new pictures and then it's like pictures of you. Like it's just pictures of you. Like.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh my God. Can I say something though? You should squatting down like you're taking a. In Japan is not a good picture.

[Christine]

Well, I don't know. It doesn't help. There's a rang. His shaved orangutan thing. Since he's got. He's probably got an orangutan. No, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

Could somebody take that and make him into an orangutan Dang.

[Christine]

I've had to take. I've taken 7 million pictures like this. You're terrible at it. With everywhere I go. Of course.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're the worst picture taker I've ever taken pictures with.

[Christine]

But I've taken.

[Bobby Kelly]

We had to tickle you.

[Christine]

When I was just in San Fran, they did a bunch.

[Jay Oakerson]

The guy downstairs.

[Christine]

Yeah, yeah. He took me downstairs and did it again. I know.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's my favorite one.

[Christine]

You're not wrong.

[Bobby Kelly]

They're terrible. I'm just saying that's when Jay had no self awareness.

[Christine]

Oh, no. I was aware this was bad.

[Jay Oakerson]

We talked about this one.

[Christine]

I was aware this was very bad. When it took. It was. What's his name? Lamont. Lamont took those. These were all, I think, primarily his ideas.

[Bobby Kelly]

Your beard was actually. This is where my chin should go.

[Jay Oakerson]

Demo by day, comedy by night.

[Christine]

Yeah. A little light demo.

[Bobby Kelly]

His comedy was a sledgehammer.

[Christine]

But I'm saying I've never. Oh, and I've gotten any of my headshots or new photos done or something like that. I've never been like, hey, everyone, here's a look at my new photo. They become. They're just completely like, the club needs pictures. I give them to my management and they send them off to the thing.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't put a collage up on Instagram?

[Christine]

I don't, but a lot of people. People do. Yeah, a lot of people do it.

[Jay Oakerson]

If you want to give props to the photographer, that's what he's doing. Feel good.

[Christine]

That is what he's doing.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

He says. I think it's all he does in it. Right. Go back and look.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is where I supposed to picture. This is me looking like a chimpanzee.

[Christine]

It's all shout out. That's pretty funny.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's holding his knuckles. Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's like, I'm gonna throw poop at you soon.

[Christine]

Yeah. The first thing he does is give her is he gives her.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, I get it.

[Bobby Kelly]

But if. If there was one, but go to the next one. Okay.

[Christine]

Oh, there's like. There's like 20 of them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I love my dog. This is my girlfriend.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna stop looking.

[Bobby Kelly]

There you go.

[Jay Oakerson]

What's this, a Janko ad now?

[Christine]

Or what's. What did the one. A kiff is whatever. What did Jerry Seinfeld do? Dude, Jerry Seinfeld posing in his little boy clothes is the funniest thing ever. He's like, what Sometimes like to throw a sweatsuit.

[Bobby Kelly]

It also gives credit that he was.

[Jay Oakerson]

I wear a Backpack.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sometimes styled by Zip my zipper from the bottom to the top.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm so wacky. My jacket works backwards.

[Christine]

We all. Oh, I couldn't post. I couldn't post my own head shots.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is gold fashion.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm too funny for my jagged zipper. It's.

[Christine]

That's what it is.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't have a woman in my life, but I got, like, a dog.

[Christine]

It's also seeing whatchamacallit.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's also about, like, seeing his shredded arms.

[Christine]

No. Like, posting. And then what I would feel like is that like a thousand. Like, what we're doing right now is what's gonna happen. They're not. They're unarguably nice pictures. It's just a matter of, like, why are you posting all the pictures? These should be your promo pictures when you're promoting something.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, right. Yeah. Well, he'll be in front of some building or some ship.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, you know what? It is, too. It's like. It's like. And then you. You know that you got. He's going back and checking. Checking it. That's the hard part.

[Bobby Kelly]

The sad part about that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Anybody would.

[Bobby Kelly]

Of course, that picture right there, that's happened to my jackets because of my stomach. The zipper has gone.

[Christine]

His unzips that way. Yours blasted open.

[Jay Oakerson]

He bought his like that. You threw yours out like that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christine]

Go down.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had to take my jacket off like a sweater. These are all black and white shots, and it says gray hair by stress, but his hair's dyed blonde.

[Jay Oakerson]

Right now, he looks like Scott Whelan now.

[Christine]

Goes. Go. Scroll up to the things I want to see if any comics jumped in the mix.

[Bobby Kelly]

I had to tell him last night. I go, do you gotta stop talking so fast? I can't keep up.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, you saw him last night?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I was hanging out last night. Yeah, me and Jay did new joke night.

[Jay Oakerson]

How was that?

[Bobby Kelly]

We were trying to get out of it up until the point we got in the room. We walked up, and I was like, dude, our name's on. On the list. He goes, let's go. We were five seconds away from just going back in his car and leaving.

[Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

But Will got.

[Bobby Kelly]

Got you. No, Liz. My life.

[Christine]

Not one comic we know now has shown up on this to say anything.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it's. No one's gonna. What are you gonna do? Hey, it looks great.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's your name?

[Christine]

Of course, no one's in there busting balls.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, he does look fantastic. How much money do you make?

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm surprised. Christine, you know what I'm surprised he didn't do the eye color. Stays color. That seems like something that, you know, like the one.

[Christine]

Like the red balloon of Signals list.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, like a French film.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, like a David Bowie type thing,

[Christine]

you know, I know we're. We should talk this out on the air here, because I know we're not. We're not supposed to go through the special anymore.

[Jay Oakerson]

Right.

[Christine]

But. Dvm David voxmoen, the voxinator has now reached out at this point and said he was like, I love the roasting. Got such a great attitude about it. I gotta say.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's only two ways to go.

[Christine]

But he handled it a very magnanimous way.

[Bobby Kelly]

And we. I mean, we handled it. I give us credit. We handled it very good too.

[Christine]

Well, in the fact that we stopped talking about it all together because I would have kept going. In fact, he suggested that I continue to write Roll.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Making fun of it. But he then suggests. So he sent us a thing. He sent us a message.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Christine. He sent to you, right? Or he sent it.

[Bobby Kelly]

He sent it to me.

[Christine]

He sent to Christine.

[Jay Oakerson]

Oh, well, I got it too.

[Christine]

The same thing. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do I not follow?

[Jay Oakerson]

Can you bring me up the speed?

[Christine]

Yes. So David Vox mo and we found together, or we came across our path in Nashville.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's the special. That was at a bar where there was sports.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes. There was a lot of Fly.

[Jay Oakerson]

Was his hand Christmas.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was Christmas. There was Wednesday specials. Everything was Tuesday specials, upcoming events. Jukebox was going.

[Christine]

Now it does turn out that several of the instruments on the stage were for him.

[Bobby Kelly]

We did not get to it.

[Christine]

We didn't get to it because this all blew up and it got back to him before.

[Jay Oakerson]

Right.

[Christine]

We were able to get deeper into it. And then you, you know, we don't want to make fun of Guy, have him here feel bad about it. We were supposed. We were trying to do it tastefully behind his back, but the.

[Bobby Kelly]

The. We told the fans, we said to the fans, please do not go and trash this guy in his comments. Please do not be mean if you're

[Christine]

going to go just like Corey Felton,

[Bobby Kelly]

say great things and, you know, you can do a little dog whistle. A little dog whistle. And the comments, Mike, were, I dare I say, genius. Some of them.

[Christine]

Some of them hilarious.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, I'd like to go check out some of them.

[Christine]

Maybe there's some new ones for sure.

[Jay Oakerson]

Did they throw like crackle crackles in there? And they threw some.

[Christine]

But the problem was one guy decides to go total heel and Messages him like, hey, dude, two real comedians were all over your special and making fun. And that's honestly the funniest thing about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

And.

[Christine]

And it was just so mean. It was very, very mean.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's not nice.

[Christine]

And it was like, yeah. So then he checks it out and then he jumps in and he goes high road, like, this is hilarious. Blah, blah, blah. Thank you. I could have done. He sent us personal messages saying, thank you. Couldn't have done it without you.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's true.

[Christine]

It's true.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's got thousands of views.

[Christine]

Numbers are way up.

[Bobby Kelly]

He went from 66 views.

[Jay Oakerson]

2.3.

[Christine]

2.3 thousand. Yeah, I think he had. He had 19, I think, when he started. Or 63.

[Bobby Kelly]

63.

[Jay Oakerson]

I mean, this is. It worked.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's great.

[Christine]

And his subscribers are up, you know, a bunch.

[Jay Oakerson]

He looks like that Scott Aukerman comedy Bang Bang guy.

[Christine]

He does. He actually does look like that guy. And so we started, like, hearing stuff. We stopped talking and we said, we're not going to talk about it anymore. We felt terrible. Now it's very hard because I don't know if you see this Mike, he's getting ready to sing a song, several songs, which is so easy to go at, but he wrote a thing. Christine had what I can only describe as a pretty brilliant idea.

[Bobby Kelly]

Today he did two things. He also changed his website.

[Christine]

Well, yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

So if you look at his website.

[Christine]

Watch Facebook. It's his Facebook.

[Bobby Kelly]

His Facebook page. Sorry.

[Christine]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

So he.

[Jay Oakerson]

He's heard frequently and what.

[Bobby Kelly]

As heard repeatedly and unpaid on the bonfire.

[Jay Oakerson]

All right.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then it says, trust the science, which I don't know if you know, that's.

[Christine]

I'm the science.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Bobby's the fluence.

[Christine]

That's the fluence. That's the family.

[Jay Oakerson]

I'm the amigo. You have been.

[Christine]

You have to give your respects to the family. Family.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Black Lose the beef.

[Bobby Kelly]

FYI, Theme song. Theme song of Madison, by the way. The fam.

[Christine]

The fam.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's the same theme song. That's every song in the show. I swear to God, it's every song in the show. It's just me blubbering, isn't it? It's just Michelle Pfeiffer in a river crying.

[Christine]

Lose the magic, of course. And Christine's the cackle. So everybody's got their thing now.

[Jay Oakerson]

I love it.

[Bobby Kelly]

And Mike's the amigo.

[Christine]

And Mike is the amigo. Proud America's amigo.

[Jay Oakerson]

And you know, real quick, before I've been, I've been paying respects to the family. Without even knowing I was paying respects to the family with our back and forth. Well, mainly me given to you, Sydney Sweeney pictures I keep sending. When I come across a real nice Sydney Sweeney, I text it to this guy and he writes back, good lord.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, is that.

[Christine]

We've been spending so much time at home pounding out family.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Is that why you're faking a cough every other day?

[Christine]

Guys, I still have the sniffles, and I can't keep my hands off my cock.

[Jay Oakerson]

Mike, stop texting him. So back to David Vox Mullen Scott, dbm.

[Christine]

Heard he put it out there that he's on the show. He's as heard repeatedly. Repeatedly on the thing. Trust science very. I like what he's done.

[Jay Oakerson]

Fantastic.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's the bonfire theme and logo up there.

[Christine]

Then he sent us this. I absolutely love the roasting. Jay is welcome to keep blasting. But I do think it's only fair that y' all get me on the show. Wink. And then his tiny URL is DVM Science, which I love now.

[Jay Oakerson]

I don't like the word y'.

[Bobby Kelly]

All. Christine, Jay does.

[Christine]

He's made west. I don't think I say y'. All. I'm almost certain I don't.

[Jay Oakerson]

You don't say y', all.

[Bobby Kelly]

Because I would.

[Jay Oakerson]

I would.

[Christine]

No, no, no. In. In my first ever set, we. We've only listened to the intro so far.

[Jay Oakerson]

I thought you meant real life.

[Christine]

No, no, no. But my intro is. We gotta see. I'd like to see actually how that's been popping on the comments since you put the intro out, But. So DVM sends us this. Christine, when she showed me that earlier, had a great suggestion. What I thought was very. No, no, no, no. We make David Vox Mullen. Since our whole thing was trashing his special.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

We have him review everyone's new specials. Like, call us and give us, like, the mark. Norman just dropped a new special. Let him go with that and give him every opportunity to all over.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, because. Can I just say something, though? He does. He is a master at improv.

[Christine]

He is so.

[Bobby Kelly]

And he loves to live in the absurdity. Absurdity.

[Christine]

We should have him do. We should have him do. What is it? What is his favorite favorite style?

[Bobby Kelly]

Absurdity is my favorite style of comedy.

[Christine]

What's some other things, Some other advice you can just give us real quick?

[Bobby Kelly]

If you can be confidently not funny, you're still going to get away with it.

[Christine]

Okay. All right.

[Bobby Kelly]

He pulls that off.

[Jay Oakerson]

He says it like it's. I mean, it's like it's Right. Like a magic eye puzzle.

[Christine]

Absolutely. All this time you were stupid for not knowing.

[Jay Oakerson]

I wonder if he.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would love to give. I would love. I know we're not going to watch it anymore, but I would love to give Mike a little T. Taste.

[Jay Oakerson]

Well, what I heard. Can I. Can I say. Can I say what I'd like to. I heard he does impressions of, like, presidents.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, not impressions. Master impressions.

[Jay Oakerson]

Master impressions that. That I'd love to see because I would like to hear, like maybe like Ronald Reagan review Sam Morrell's new special kind of thing.

[Christine]

Oh, in his impressions.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would like to do it in the Obama, because I think his Obama is the best.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is it. Can I see the Obama?

[Christine]

Oh, it's my favorite.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is that okay?

[Bobby Kelly]

It's the best.

[Christine]

Yeah, it's okay. This is. This is water under the bridge, this part.

[Jay Oakerson]

You guys are friends now. You and dvm. Regular pals.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would like to. I would love to see a little music, though.

[Christine]

But do you. I know, me too. I want to see some of that music. Well, get him in the.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why don't we do this? Why don't we show him a little Obama, give him a little taste, maybe swing over to the comments, see if any more genius comments are in there and then. And then maybe pop over and just. I mean, just take a little taste of the music.

[Christine]

But what do you feel about Christine's idea? I thought it was a really good, good one. We don't have an incorporation of anybody else. We gave this guy the biz and he's being a great sport about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Right?

[Christine]

How do we not make him our call in when we have a new special we need to review? By the way, should be started with a special of yours and mine.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, but we already. Well, you know, I mean, okay.

[Christine]

And just let him give his, like, he gets to. We give him like a 5, 7 minute, like, rant on whatever special.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's a long time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's a long time.

[Christine]

Maybe a three minute rant.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe. Maybe a maybe. We have buzzers and when the rant is over, we hit a buzzer and we're like. Like the Gong show and we decide when the rant is over.

[Jay Oakerson]

Three minutes is a long time.

[Bobby Kelly]

Three minutes a long time.

[Christine]

No, 90 seconds to talk about it. Someone special. I give a full review of a special. You have three minutes.

[Bobby Kelly]

You have 48 seconds.

[Christine]

No, I think it's perfect.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, three minutes, one minute review.

[Christine]

Christine, I apologize. Everyone hated your idea.

[Jay Oakerson]

No, that sounds fun.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think it sounds fun. Why don't we call him right now?

[Christine]

Let's get him on the horn. By the way, that song. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

The URL redirects to this new shirt. That's merch. He's this, this guy is. Has no soul.

[Christine]

That's great.

[Bobby Kelly]

He has. Has your trust. The science. He made a shirt.

[Jay Oakerson]

I think it's fantastic with your.

[Bobby Kelly]

Your name first of all. That should be your shirt. Validated methods. You should be making. You should be making that money on that shirt.

[Jay Oakerson]

Evidence, reason, knowledge.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, wow.

[Christine]

I am the science that is of comedy.

[Bobby Kelly]

He took. He took your merch.

[Christine]

Oh, by all means.

[Jay Oakerson]

Jay doesn't even sell merch. I've been begging him to sell merch for years. I've come out, I come up with ideas.

[Bobby Kelly]

Kevin made that for him.

[Jay Oakerson]

He spelled all the words right, though.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is he. Is he his own merch company? Is that his company too?

[Jay Oakerson]

Can I hear the Obama?

[Christine]

Can't you just blame me? Can I hear it? Can we hear the song, please?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, well, let's, let's go to the Obama. We got to give a little backstory to Mike.

[Jay Oakerson]

I've never heard the Obama and I'm, I'm a big fan of.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can you make some more noise?

[Jay Oakerson]

Good Presidential master impressions. Not impressions.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine, is there any way you could like, smash that? I know, right? Yeah, do that. Yeah. Craig that. Slap the bike.

[Jay Oakerson]

Smack that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can you scrape your teeth on the screen protector?

[Jay Oakerson]

Smack that. How old is this gentleman?

[Bobby Kelly]

He's.

[Christine]

I think he's somewhere between 40 and 70.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Around there. His gentleman jacket. 12.

[Christine]

Great Scott.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, yeah. He does. I let you know he does interstitials in between his set. He goes to a candy shop.

[Jay Oakerson]

Cuz he has diabetes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he does.

[Christine]

Had diabetes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, he doesn't anymore. He lost a lot of weight.

[Jay Oakerson]

I didn't, I didn't. We do.

[Bobby Kelly]

We do respect that on the show.

[Christine]

I haven't watched.

[Bobby Kelly]

We do.

[Christine]

By any means necessary. However. You lost weight. I respect the.

[Bobby Kelly]

Out of it, Mike, real quick on the, on the wide shot, you don't want to look too long because you'll have a stroke from the blinking lights in the background.

[Christine]

Oh, my God.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I'm looking at that now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just at our age, you have to be careful of that laser Floyd.

[Jay Oakerson]

What's with the Santa, the. The snowman?

[Christine]

It's probably around Christmas time.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's Christmas time in the bar he did this at.

[Jay Oakerson]

It's not his.

[Bobby Kelly]

You can't just take it off.

[Christine]

Well, you know it's Christmas time because there's big games on the screens. There's a lot of big games going on. Michigan's about to take the title.

[Jay Oakerson]

All right, let's hear it.

[Christine]

Yes, he's wearing his merch mike.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yes, he is.

[Christine]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's a logo that looks demonic, but it's dvm.

[Christine]

Pentagram.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a Vox.

[Jay Oakerson]

Is that part of the science?

[Christine]

It's the Vox, dude.

[Jay Oakerson]

Looks like a vw. That's like a VW logo.

[Bobby Kelly]

Like a tie dye, too. You like that, right? Yeah, bro. Yeah.

[Christine]

Are we getting hoodies? It's a Voxogram.

[Bobby Kelly]

I want a jacket.

[Christine]

A Voxogram.

[Jay Oakerson]

A hexa box.

[Christine]

I thought we bought the merch. I thought we did that.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Didn't I have a. I thought I had a tie.

[Jay Oakerson]

Kind of got. Hey, Bobby, look at him from the. Doesn't he got a little bit of, like, Tom Cotter head?

[Christine]

Wayne Fetterman. He's got all the same people.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's actually got the head from every comic in the early 90s.

[Jay Oakerson]

Tom Van Horn.

[Christine]

I was gonna say Tom Van Horn. Absolutely. He's got a Lenny Marcus.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's got a Dan Natterman.

[Christine]

Oh, my Christ. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's got a Tim Young.

[Christine]

I don't know if Dan Ederman doesn't like me, is terrified of me, or what. When I see. When I see him, it's. His recoil is bizarre. For a guy that I spent years with on a nightly basis.

[Jay Oakerson]

He.

[Christine]

I'm like. I was like, hey, Danny. And he does like a. He, like, looks away and, like, gives me like a hey. Yeah, it's very strange. I mean, there's a guy I've talked to at length. He knows my daughter.

[Bobby Kelly]

I told him you hate Jews.

[Christine]

Oh, okay.

[Jay Oakerson]

But he also. He also probably sleeps with tinfoil, like, wrapped around him or something. Dan's not a. I mean, no.

[Christine]

He's become, like, more and more abnormal.

[Jay Oakerson]

I see him and I'm like, hey, Dan. And he's like, we're at the Cellar.

[Bobby Kelly]

So he turns him into.

[Christine]

Don't.

[Bobby Kelly]

We looked over at him at a table by himself, just eating boiled chicken. I think it was boiled chicken at the Cellar.

[Christine]

Boiled chicken and vegetables. They don't have on menu.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's off the menu.

[Jay Oakerson]

They just shop for dinner.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's called Anatomy. It's Anatomy. It's asparagus and boiled chicken.

[Christine]

God bless them. God bless. God bless you.

[Bobby Kelly]

And a root beer.

[Jay Oakerson]

They don't have root beer there.

[Bobby Kelly]

They do phanatamin. It's in the back.

[Christine]

And, Jacob, I'll say this for you as well. It's a real testament to your inner will and spirit. And I'll say this for Dan Natterman all also that neither of you are not 700 pounds because the lack of enjoyment you get yourself but like enjoyment it seems you give yourself for things like it's like food would have to be one of those things for me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

If you're not out like, if you're not out like actively trying to like crush or have a girlfriend or getting up or on drugs or anything like that. Yeah. The fact that you're not eating a ton of you still like maintain and keep shape is a real testament.

[Bobby Kelly]

If I lived an admin or Jacob life, I would be £700 on drugs and getting my dick sucked by every prostitute in the area of Queens. Have you ever got a prostitute? No. Well, I think we should take care of that.

[Christine]

Want one?

[Bobby Kelly]

You want one?

[Jay Oakerson]

Not really.

[Bobby Kelly]

So if you, if we sent a prostitute to your house and knocked on the door, you wouldn't let her in?

[Christine]

No. Maybe that could be the beginning of you getting her away from her dreadlocks pimp and then maybe going on an adventure with her.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, maybe you could find like a drugs and you take the drugs and then you try to sell them in LA to an actor friend of yours.

[Christine]

Bobby knows a couple big time directors

[Bobby Kelly]

actually for people I can hook you up. You meet him at amusement park though, because that's where he meets you.

[Christine]

Get in a meeting, you get a meeting with Dane. Let me finish

[Jay Oakerson]

before you say no. Let me finish. What if it's like a Julia Roberts pretty woman prostitute. Not like a, not like a Yo

[Christine]

baby one go, right. You don't have to take her away from a pimp. You just simply have to get the most gorgeous street walking prostitute off the streets.

[Bobby Kelly]

What if her pussy doesn't smell like snake shit? How about that?

[Christine]

If Julia Roberts, if Julia Roberts was a street walking prostitute, the way she fucking looked, her regulars would have murdered Richard Gere for taking her out of the fucking 100%. He would have been had a price on his head the rest of his life. He goes, you took that chick that I could fuck for $100 who looks like that off the street?

[Bobby Kelly]

Streets.

[Jay Oakerson]

You, dude.

[Christine]

No way you're not wiping up. This supposed to be a line like

[Bobby Kelly]

a good taco truck in front of her?

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christine]

Richard Gear. How do you just find her with other girls being talked to? Yeah, Julia Roberts didn't have a. Yeah, he would have. Like a car's honking down the highway. What's at the End of this. He goes, I just really hot frosties, no cutsies.

[Jay Oakerson]

Get in line. She's got a deli counter next to her. Dude, some guy would already been wearing her face. Dude, if she was working like a corn, are you kidding me? Jason Alexander would be wearing her face.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you ever get a streetwalker?

[Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

You?

[Christine]

Yeah, me too.

[Jay Oakerson]

I spoke to a girl in Vegas that I thought was a normal girl, and I was trying to book coming out. I spoke to a girl in Vegas. I was talking to a girl in Vegas, and I'm just thought I was trying to, like, flirt with a chick, and I'm like, you want to get out? Want to go grab a drink or something? She's like, well, I'm working right now, so it would be $125 dollars.

[Christine]

And I'm like, you're like, man, the prices. This place are crazy.

[Jay Oakerson]

And I'm like, for a drink. For a drink. And then she goes, no. I'm like. And I'm like, no. I go, you're not. And I gave her like a. Because, you know, I wear my emotions on my face. So I must have really been like, you. Yeah, You're a scumbag piece.

[Christine]

Oh, my God. You're a. Come dumpster. I treat you like a human.

[Jay Oakerson]

You're a human pile of garbage. She was like, oh, I'm. I have to. And I'm like, you're better than this.

[Bobby Kelly]

You said that? Yeah. Oh, God.

[Jay Oakerson]

And then I walked away.

[Christine]

Did you say, you can get. I can get you away from all this? I went.

[Jay Oakerson]

I go, my spit's not even worth your face. I'm spitting on the ground. Spit on the floor of the circus. Circus.

[Bobby Kelly]

She would have been in my room immediately.

[Jay Oakerson]

She had, like a sweater on. I was like, he found out at

[Christine]

the good time, man. That was the. That was that great Artie Lang. He was like, man, it's going so great with this chick. And then at the end, she was like, that's $5,000. Like, excuse me. Like, that was $5,000. He's like, oh, you weren't a girlfriend.

[Jay Oakerson]

Weekend experience.

[Bobby Kelly]

Girlfriend experience.

[Jay Oakerson]

Girlfriend experience would tempt me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Christine]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Apparently.

[Bobby Kelly]

They're just. They act like crazy hot. Yeah, they act like a girl.

[Jay Oakerson]

That's how. That's how bad being married is, is. They don't have the marriage experience. You just go to Vegas and fight with them. It's too loud. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can you turn it down?

[Jay Oakerson]

They go, you're snoring. Wake up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you gonna shower? You want steak or chicken?

[Jay Oakerson]

They Just go. They just show up in your hotel room and leave the bathroom counter wet.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jay Oakerson]

With a curler plug. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You just go into the room. She's already sleeping.

[Jay Oakerson]

Bravo. Turned on. I'm watching that.

[Bobby Kelly]

A wall of pillows between you. That's the girlfriend. That's the wife experience.

[Jay Oakerson]

You eat dinner silently.

[Bobby Kelly]

Her legs are hairy all the time.

[Christine]

But, Jacob, you said you could do it. You said you could be with. You could be with the much younger girl and not be like, she's grossed out by me. Like, you could be like, I don't know anymore. Yeah, I. It bums me out.

[Bobby Kelly]

My age. I had a.

[Christine]

Well, I think I'm a little younger, but I'm saying I feel like the same, like, if it was like a young, like, fucking. Especially like some kind of Instagram influencer y chick. Like, stupid Belichicks thing. Like, the fact that he's every night is just like. No, she's super into it. I'm like. For reasons that are not. She's super into you.

[Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Cause you made her a dildo out of hundreds.

[Christine]

Yeah. What the fuck?

[Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

To realize the future America needs, we understand what's needed from us to face each threat head on. We've earned. We earned our place in the fight for our nation's future. We are Marines. We were made for this.