We Don't Need Another Hero

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly

Episode: We Don’t Need Another Hero
Date: January 14, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode centers around the theme of "heroes": what defines a hero, how mundane heroics play out in real life, and the stories listeners and the hosts themselves bring to the table. Comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly, broadcasting live from New York, riff on everything from the perils of lightsabers in the Star Wars universe to listeners recounting their bravest moments. The hosts’ trademark crude and irreverent humor keeps the discussion lively, with plenty of spontaneous asides and banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Headphone Troubles and Banter

[01:07‒02:09]

• The show opens with Jay and Bobby grumbling about the bad headphones in the studio and the merits of in-ear monitors.
• Bobby brags about his customized “bam bam” in-ears from his time on Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll.

2. Star Wars Lightsaber Dangers

[03:06‒08:13]

• Jay and Bobby go off on a hilarious tangent about the practical dangers of having a real lightsaber in daily life.
  • Jay: "Who says no to that [real lightsaber]?" [03:52]
  • Bobby: “I'd fucking wind up cutting a lot of shit down.” [03:54]
• Discussion about whether you need “the Force” to wield a lightsaber, with “even Chewbacca” entering the debate.
• Joking about accidents: "You have to have the Force in you to use it." [07:05]

3. Star Wars Movie Critique

[11:28‒13:30]

• Deep-dive into prequel action scenes, specifically Yoda fighting Count Dooku.
  • Bobby: “That was stupid, him bouncing all around.” [11:28]
  • Jay: “What was stupid about it...he just got his cane back and started walking.” [11:48]
• Extended bit about age-inappropriate Hollywood scenes (referencing The Professional and Cape Fear).
  • Bobby: “She does a little tee hee, right?” [14:17]

4. Sports Superstition and Voodoo

[16:06‒18:50]

• The conversation transitions to Jay’s and Bobby's football team loyalties.
• Bobby describes “cursing” Dan Soder’s 49ers via phone in jest, and how Dan takes it super seriously.
  • Bobby: “He called me it back and went you got to take the curse off, dude.” [17:58]
  • Jay: "I'll tell you what you have to give him...a real day or two to come to his own rationalization that he has behaved like a lunatic…" [17:17]

5. Defining Heroism: The Hero Tent

[19:01‒24:00]

• Bobby proposes celebrating everyday heroics among listeners and in his own life, joking about the “Hero HQ.”
• Playful mockery around the idea of “analog hero” and superhero fandom.
  • Jay: "You're an analog hero." [19:01]
  • “Maybe the fans of the show are heroes…and maybe they didn’t have… Well, you're probably going to meet a bunch of them@Hero HQ." [19:28]

6. Listener Call-Ins: Hero Stories

[34:12‒50:42]

A. Narcan Rescue

• Caller (Courtland/Renee): Saved someone from a suspected overdose in a halfway house using Narcan.
  • Jay: “Did you thank you?” [37:23]
  • Caller: “He was like, ‘what the…?’ Didn't even know where he was at.” [37:25]
• The hosts joke about "California Sober”—only using cannabis and occasional drinking.

B. Forklift Office Rescue

• Shannon (show staffer): Recounts being the only one with first aid training and saving a coworker who had a seizure and was choking on her own tongue.
  • Bobby: “When you hear help, that is the… that’s the people run towards it or they run away from it. And you ran towards it.” [43:01]
  • Shannon: “When I moved her head in that direction, it cleared her…her tongue out of her airway and she started breathing again.” [47:13]
• Discussion of whether helping someone is heroism vs. just “being a decent person.”

C. Hurricane Maria Relief

• Renee from Denver: Raised $6,000 and flew one-way to Puerto Rico to support hurricane victims.
  • Jake (producer): "This is a Good Samaritan but not a hero." [55:04]
  • Jay: “You’re a hero. Hero tent for me.” [56:14]

D. Childhood Rescue

• Caller (Chris): Tried to rescue his sister from being suffocated by another child (“big ass sits on chest” story), but their mom ended up doing the real saving.
  • Bobby: "I'm gonna Xnay this hero... Because in my story, he is the little girl that said, ‘help.’” [60:30]
  • Jay: “Your mom is the fucking hero.” [61:13]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the hazards of lightsabers:
  “Every swing has to be completely measured and calculated…you start putting [replica lightsabers] on, and when you make connection, it does like… They're good.”
  —Big Jay Oakerson [05:16]

• On Yoda in Star Wars:
  "That was stupid, him bouncing all around... It's like, so what are you. Are you super healthy, or are you decrepit and old?"
  —Robert Kelly & Jay [11:28-11:49]

• On football superstition:
  "He called me it back and went, 'You got to take the curse off, dude.' In the middle of the game because they started losing. Like it worked."
  —Robert Kelly [17:58]

• Defining hero status:
  "You're an analog hero."
  —Big Jay Oakerson [19:01]
  "If you have a hero story, call in right now. 866-969-1969."
  —Robert Kelly [21:38]

• Listener hero stories:
  (on Narcan rescue)
  "Dude, he came back. He came...I don't know what the hell is in Narcan, because that's for like, opiates."
  —Renee (caller) [36:53]

  (on office rescue)
  "When I moved her head in that direction, it cleared her...her tongue out of her airway and she started breathing again."
  —Shannon Glazer [47:13]

• On what doesn't qualify as heroic:
  “Your mom is the fucking hero. You understand? I'm the hero. I saved the girl.”
  —Bobby [60:54]

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Funny & Recurring Segments

• Hero Tent & “Proof” of Heroism
  Proposed at Gang Fest, only those with legitimate heroic acts (to be judged by Jay & Bobby) are allowed in the VIP Hero Tent.

  • "You have to have proof. Shannon's got to bring us this blue-faced lady..." —Jay [48:45]

• Cultural/Accent Jokes
  The hosts riff on caller accents, "Costa Rican" vs. "Mexican," for several minutes, lampooning each other's poor attempts.

• Banter on Clothing/Fashion
  Jay gets animated about baggy Adidas snap pants and recounts breakdancing as a "B-boy" [57:45]. Bobby tells a story about stripping his own track pants for Billy Burr.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Star Wars/Lightsaber Dangers: 03:06–08:13
• Yoda/Prequels Critique: 11:28–13:30
• Football Jinx/Team Rivalry: 16:06–18:50
• Hero Tent Proposal: 19:01–24:00
• Listener Narcan Hero Call: 34:12–39:44
• Shannon’s Choking Rescue: 42:35–49:05
• Puerto Rico Relief Story: 53:36–56:18
• Bobby Rejects “Kid Hero” Claim: 59:31–61:16

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Tone and Delivery

• The show leans heavily into the comedians’ frank, irreverent tone.
  • They frequently mock each other and the callers, but with an undercurrent of camaraderie and genuine curiosity about their audience.
  • Sensitive topics (ODs, serious injuries, disasters) are met with trademark dark humor, but also honest appreciation for people’s good deeds.

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Episode Takeaway

“We Don’t Need Another Hero” is a classic Bonfire mix of crude laughs, nostalgia for 80s and 90s pop culture, and genuine moments of human decency—sometimes found in unexpected places, sometimes not recognized at all. By the end, listeners and hosts alike are left pondering what really makes someone a hero, all while laughing at the pitfalls and absurdity of both real and imagined heroics.

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For More:
Catch The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly live Monday–Thursday, 5pm ET/2pm PT on SiriusXM Faction Talk, Ch. 103.

Transcript

[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Shannon Glazer]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Shannon Glazer]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

And now the bonfire with Big J.

[Robert Kelly]

Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, my squad stay on point. These headphones are. Gotta slap them to work in both ears. Someone should burn this place down. All right, don't. I take it back. Don't.

[Robert Kelly]

I bought my own headphones, but these headphones are welded into it. So I always have to have this guy's headphones in front of me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm getting in ears. I'm done with this shit.

[Robert Kelly]

I got in ears. I like those.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Welp, I'm have to bring some here. I brought some a couple weeks ago. Here, where? Yeah, our last week. And then I threw them in the.

[Robert Kelly]

Garbage because they don't fit in your little baby ear canal.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They don't fit my little ears. And they didn't make any sense. The way they worked. It was like bend the wire around your ear, but it goes the wrong way. Fuck those things.

[Robert Kelly]

Ultimate ear, baby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's what I gotta do. Fucking ultimate ear.

[Robert Kelly]

I got ultimate ear. I got ones that say bam, bam. From when I was on sex and drugs and rock and roll.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I got you.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Makes sense. Your character.

[Robert Kelly]

It was my character. Yeah, it was my character.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But you still have them.

[Robert Kelly]

I still got them. I love them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And they function. They work.

[Robert Kelly]

They work the best.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So why don't you bring them?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. I didn't think about it until you brought it up because I. When I got the gig Here I looked up best radio headphones and these Sonys came up. And then I customized him with a little Van Halen. Eddie Van Halen guitar theme.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I thought that was Hawaiian shirt theme.

[Robert Kelly]

Or that. Or that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The black and red, Right? Yeah, or Darth Maul.

[Robert Kelly]

Art is what you perceive it. And I perceived Eddie Van Halen and you might have perceived Don Ho or.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Eddie Van Halen's got a bunch of white and stuff going through it though.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Yep.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's more Darth Maul's cheeks. Yeah, Darth Maul.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, maybe you're right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a bonfire.

[Robert Kelly]

You look at these.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Get a little mall.

[Robert Kelly]

It's actually Darth Maul's cheeks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Darth Maul's cheeks.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, look, I have Darth Maul headphones.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I didn't know that they're gonna make a spin off. I heard of Darth Maul, which I would watch that actually. What a cool character.

[Robert Kelly]

He was cool. It was so weird that they just killed him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, he was the villain of the movie. They're gonna get rid of him. But it feels like you could have had him last a couple of the movies.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, like they did, you know, Darth Vader last a couple of the movies.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, but also they were prequels. And so the problem is, like he was such a cool character that they, they had to have him die fast because if he had any kind of a legendary status, he would have been brought up non stop in Star Wars. You guys heard Darth Maul? That guy's the coolest.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you guys know he has a two sided fucking lightsaber? Damn. Darth Maul ruled. Remember when he revealed that, Remember he was fighting with just the sword and then he fucking let the other side come out.

[Robert Kelly]

If you could get a real lightsaber, would you?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes. Who says no to that?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, because I would fucking wind up cutting a lot of shit down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. You'd have to buy Thorn's head's coming off without a doubt. Just because you're just not gonna know. You're like, she's gonna call your name and you're gonna turn around all willy nilly with your lightsaber, not realizing everything it touches. It melts into half.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm over there watching a Patriots game at your house and I cut down your little popola. I just swipe over the super dangerous.

[Jacob]

You have to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, God, Bobby. My pergola.

[Robert Kelly]

Your pergola is down.

[Jacob]

Insanely dangerous weapon.

[Robert Kelly]

I just stick it in the pool and heat it Up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's crazy that you have this as a weapon in general.

[Jacob]

Laser as hot as the sun in your hand.

[Robert Kelly]

Someone did invent one, though. One of those YouTube guys made a real working. Not, you know, but they made a real working lightsaber.

[Jacob]

I saw that.

[Robert Kelly]

That was pretty wild.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And how do they get it to stop? Does it have, like, lens on it or. No, but I'm saying. But where.

[Robert Kelly]

How do you get it to the stop at the end? Yeah, it's like. I think it's a flame or something.

[Jacob]

It was a flame. It was like some.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, it's like a very acute flame.

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Gotcha. That's kind of.

[Robert Kelly]

But it still look bad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I bet. Listen, it still looks cool when you hold the filament tube ones you can buy and you push the button and still when it goes. When it rises up, you're still like. Feels cool. Yeah. Sal's got some good ones. Volcanoes. He's got some goodies at his house.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't help but fight somebody when you put them in your hand. So if you had a real one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, you start putting them on. And you also. If you have the good ones, like he.

[Robert Kelly]

Right there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you have the good ones like he has. Yeah. When you make connection, it does, like. And if you, like, slide along, it goes like this. It's. They're good. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

If we had real ones, you don't think we'd be in your backyard fighting.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, absolutely. Before one of us loses half our head. And a lightsaber is going to cut you in that weird. Like, you're going to go, well, Bobby, I lost control there. Are you okay? And then, like, the top of your body's gonna fall off the bottom of your body in one piece, and you're gonna look like cartoon ham inside.

[Robert Kelly]

Poor Christine comes out. You guys watch and turn around and get scared, and she just slide. Her half her body slides down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dog's gonna be missing an ear and half a tail. Hedges are all fucked up.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you in the car with a lightsaber in traffic?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I have to explain. And I have to explain to Christine, and I have to go. Christine, I'm sorry about the house, but, like, this is how you train, all right? Luke Skywalker didn't nail it the first fucking day. Okay? So you gotta fucking. Sometimes we gotta crack a few eggs and destroy a pergola and hurt the dog, you know? You gotta crack a few eggs, cut.

[Robert Kelly]

A few heads off.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Gotta cut a few heads off if you wanna get good at lightsaber.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, just Go buy a car in traffic and just right through the door.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, it's as crazy a weapon as I could think of because even a sword, which I think is another one of those, like a little dangerous, like you could hurt yourself with a sword at least, you know, one sided. One side is supposed to be razor dangerously sharp and the other side's supposed to be like flat dull. Yeah, not even dull like flat. So that shouldn't hurt you at all. This like any minor mistake, if it just drops out of your hand while you're holding it and starts bouncing on the ground, it could just lop off your foot.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you just put a hole in your pool.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's destroy everything you own. So dangerous in one drop.

[Robert Kelly]

You have to have the Force in you to use it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh my God.

[Robert Kelly]

Did anybody get a lightsaber without the Force? You have to have the Force to have a lightsaber. They don't. There's not willy nilly lifesavers out in Star wars.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right?

[Jacob]

If you pick up a dead Jedi's weapon, it's yours. I guess.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I have a question. If somebody, Edward 40 Hands, like just taped two fucking fully on lightsabers to your hands, how many hours before you fucking kill yourself by accident? I mean, it's impossible. Can you just never turn your wrists in any way ever in the wrong direction?

[Robert Kelly]

You can't even like touch your back, Nothing. You can't touch any part of your body.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Every swing has to be completely measured and calculated.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you need the Force.

[Jacob]

You know, in the new Disney shows, they all suck. All the women survive. Lightsabers to the chest.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, really, why is it just like a surface wound?

[Jacob]

I don't know. It goes in the stomach and out the other side. And the next thing she's recovering in the hospital.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I say one? They have alien technology too. I will say also, if you're gonna get a through the body shot, if it's gonna be like. If it's gonna miss organs, you could do worse than have it be a lightsaber because it's gonna cauterize the wound right away.

[Robert Kelly]

And they have tits.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And they also have tits.

[Jacob]

I don't know.

[Robert Kelly]

And they have that thing and they're between their legs. What do you call it?

[Jacob]

I'm no doctor.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They're pussies. They're space pussies. Also, don't forget about their space pussies.

[Jacob]

Well, I mean, it looked like the. The one girl took the same exact thing that Liam Neeson took to the. To the stomach. And she's Just, like, worked it off the next day.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look at this fucking girl. Question Christine asked the computer. Computer what? Do you have to have the Force to use a lightsaber?

[Robert Kelly]

That was actually my question. That she reacts.

[Jacob]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm sorry. I apologize.

[Robert Kelly]

Christine, are your headphones on? Do you need in ears?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I need in ears. But that's crazy. You asked that question. Come on.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, because you're saying that you can't just. You can't just go buy a lightsaber at the local Star wars store. You have to have the Force, because any mistakes, you're dead.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, if you have the Force, like, you get a lightsaber, right? But you. Anyone could use it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but you can't get one. Like, you can't go buy one. You got to get a laser gun.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's the J.R. weapon. Yeah, it's like, government issue.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a. It's a Jedi issued.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's Council. Council issued.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you have to. You have to have the Force and be a Jedi to be able to use a lightsaber to receive one. But. But you can't just get one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can't just get one. But anyone could use one.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you can use one, but Chewbacca couldn't go and get one. He doesn't have the Force.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, but if Chewbacca happens upon a lightsaber, doesn't not turn on because he doesn't have the Force.

[Robert Kelly]

But you can't go to the lightsaber store and be like, yo, let me get a lightsaber.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's no lightsaber store.

[Robert Kelly]

You don't know that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If there was, I bet you could go in and say, can I get a lightsaber? It's a lightsaber store.

[Robert Kelly]

You'd need, like, a permit. Like you need when you have a gun.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's not a story.

[Robert Kelly]

Like, they'd be like, yo, dude, are you a Jedi? Like, no, I'm not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not a store. It's a supply place.

[Jacob]

I think if you just know how to make one, then you can have one.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait a minute. They had to make their own.

[Jacob]

Yeah, I believe they made their own weapons.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't know that. You have to make your own lightsaber.

[Jacob]

No, I think Luke made one.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He didn't make. What are you talking about? He was given it. Gave. I know.

[Jacob]

He got his father's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I don't remember that. I know he got. I thought he got Yoda's.

[Robert Kelly]

No, he got. He got. No, he gave him Obi Wan Kenobi's.

[Jacob]

No, Obi Wan gave him his father's lights.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, well, his father gave it to Obi Wan, but then it was Obi Wan, so Obi Wan technically gave him his lightsaber.

[Jacob]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Right.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

But I believe Yoda didn't give a lightsaber.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

And I didn't like how good Yoda was with the lightsaber.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, come on. That was the. One of the only exciting. Hang on. Okay, I think I'm back. Somebody's got to punch the headphones. God forbid I touch the wire. These wires ain't made for touching. I suppose those prequels, everybody was, like, at the end of the day, a little underwhelmed by those. With the exception of Darth Maul. But that second one, when. Fuck is that second one? When Yoda started fighting Christopher Lee and he was bouncing all over the place, that was the most exciting part.

[Robert Kelly]

That was stupid, him bouncing all around.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What was stupid about it? Doesn't matter. What was stupid about it is. Was that when they had him do. It was like they almost did, like, the shtick of it. Like, when he finished spinning around, flipping and slicing and jumping all over the place. Then he. Then he just got his cane back and started walking, like, all with a cane again.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's like, so what are you. Are you super healthy, or are you decrepit and old?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are you pretending to be decrepit and old? Cause. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And he's.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I mean, this was super exciting.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I say something? This is very dangerous with that cape on, using a lightsaber.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The whole thing. The fact that there's so little damage within the area of fighting with a lightsaber fight is insane.

[Jacob]

You can't miss. Yeah. You can't make a mistake.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The stakes are so high with every swing.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. It's ridiculous. And he's holding it. He's got three little fat fingers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Look at him bouncing around. This stinks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now. This was exciting, though, in the theater.

[Robert Kelly]

This is the. My old bad one. This is just the beginning, you know?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Isn't his name Count? Like, Count Dua or something, too?

[Robert Kelly]

Look at his little fingers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I am Count Dula, you know.

[Robert Kelly]

Love this scene. Brad Williams.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Whenever a little man wins, whenever a little man wins, dude, he gets so sad at the end of every. At the end of every Chucky movie. And then when they make a new one, he was like. He lived. What?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Leprechaun 8.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Didn't this guy quit acting? The.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hang on, Bobby. I'm almost out of movies that he would get excited by. That was the last one, over the Rainbow. Oh yeah, Wicked, part one and two. Yeah.

[Jacob]

Damn, Natalie Port was so hot in this movie. I forgot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's up, dude. She's 12.

[Robert Kelly]

She was hot in the Professional. What are you talking about?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's up, bro. She's 11 years old.

[Robert Kelly]

That movie. I hate that movie. And Cape Fear. These just sitting in the theater like, oh God, this is. I feel weird right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why? You wanted to fuck fucking 12 year old Juliette Lewis when she stuck her.

[Robert Kelly]

Thumb in Robert De Niro's mouth.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So you still think she's hot too?

[Robert Kelly]

When he stuck his thumb in her mouth, that was like. I had to turn away. I was like, I don't like the feelings of this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a bizarre scene.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a weird scene.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, she puts the. Yeah, he puts his finger in her mouth and she kind of gives it a suck.

[Robert Kelly]

No, but she gives it a suck and then she cradles it. She actually wraps her hand around it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And then pulls it away. And then. But then gives a little giggle. Like. Like a little teehee.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think you added that.

[Robert Kelly]

I might have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm pretty sure you asked.

[Robert Kelly]

I swear to God. Dude. Look, watch. When she. She went like this.

[Jacob]

Bobby's right.

[Robert Kelly]

She does a little tee hee, right?

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. How do you know you shouldn't be the scene.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're Greek.

[Robert Kelly]

Come on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean she get to it.

[Robert Kelly]

She fell off too. Have you seen her lately? Look at this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ready? Fell off.

[Robert Kelly]

Ready? Here we go. There's a little giggle and she sucks. Oh, and then she.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look at this.

[Robert Kelly]

What the. Ah, it did. I got. Turn it off.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wait. She didn't giggle at all. Bob. You added it.

[Robert Kelly]

She added. Go to the back. Go. Go to the front.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Go.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait right there. Little Teehee. Ready?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, that was a gasp.

[Robert Kelly]

No, that was a tee hee. Watch. Ready?

[Jacob]

He.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay. Yeah, that was a giggle.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And then. And then the gasp. And then the suck and the hold. That's not. Probably isn't memorized.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How many times have you not watched this?

[Robert Kelly]

36. He looks like the. And then he does. Then he does it again and he pushes it down further.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Maybe it's not so much that you're not watching it as you are using this scene. I prefer to watch it.

[Robert Kelly]

What the. How do you film that? How old was she when she. She must have been.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How do you film it? Slow and sexually. 16.

[Jacob]

She wants it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, 16. How do you do that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Shove your finger in 16 year old's mouth. You could just do it.

[Robert Kelly]

Ew.

[Jacob]

Ew. God.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I forgot that he kissed her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Me too.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that legal tongue, too?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is that real?

[Robert Kelly]

I forgot that part. I. I came right before this part.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you turn it off always this point, you're like, ew, what am I watching? Ew.

[Robert Kelly]

She had to be older than 16.

[Jacob]

No, I think she was 16.

[Robert Kelly]

How do you do that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you just look it up that she was 16?

[Robert Kelly]

I heard her on how she turned 16 in June 1989. So she just turned 16 when she filmed that scene.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Damn good for her. Yeah, jail her. Go, go. Flag goes fly.

[Robert Kelly]

Whatever. Pat's gonna go to Super Bowl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Fly goes fly.

[Robert Kelly]

Pat's in the Super Bowl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What time do you guys play next week?

[Robert Kelly]

We have a bye week next week.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, you don't. No, no, I know you don't.

[Robert Kelly]

I thought I got you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, but I was saying. I thought you were. But you don't have a finance. But who You. But what time you play?

[Robert Kelly]

We play at.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Come on, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a playoffs play at noon.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

4 o'?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Clock, 8 o' clock game Eagles, 4:30pm Sunday against Dan Soder's 49ers.

[Robert Kelly]

49Ers. I like the 49ers new uniform, pretty.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, good. Root for them.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I won't root for them. Go ahead with your eggs, partner. You know, I called Dan up. He got really mad at me because I called him up one year, I was doing bananas, and I called him up and they were in the playoffs, and I did. I go, I'm doing voodoo to your team. And I was like, you lose, you lose. He got legitimately angry at me, but he made me call him back and go, curse off, buddy.

[Jacob]

He.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll tell you what you have to give him. And you got to give him, like a real day or two of. To come to his own rationalization that he has behaved like a lunatic over something that he is not a member of the team of and really reaps no financial or life benefits other than. It's very exciting. Very, very exciting. My team won the super bowl last year. Very, very fun night, man. Was that a fun night. What a great end to a season. You know, the world keeps spinning either way, man. And yeah, he gets very, like. I've had people like Justin like, made, like, busted his balls one time by a thing. And how fast he gets like, justin, you don't even watch sports. You so mad.

[Robert Kelly]

I did voodoo over the phone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's bonkers.

[Robert Kelly]

He called me it back and went you got to take the curse off, dude. In the middle of the game because they started losing. Like it worked. And he called me, I was like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did he ask you to remove the curse?

[Robert Kelly]

He asked me to remove the curse. And I went.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You took it back for him.

[Robert Kelly]

Curse gone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did they win?

[Robert Kelly]

No, they lost.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my Christ.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, sometimes you can't take the curse back. The initial curse worked, dude. I couldn't believe how really legitimately violently angry he was at me because I did a voodoo curse from Bananas buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's gotten irate at people. He's gotten irate at people. I see like Vert making some kind of a fucking joke, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm just bored of Bananas dude watching the game. I'm in the lobby of a Holiday Inn half sold show. I'm just having fun, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You don't have to over explain to me. Bobby, you don't have powers. Yeah, Jay, but Dan knows that too, is my point.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, I am a hero. I have regular human hero, regular old hero, not superhero, voodoo powers.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're an analog hero.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. You know what I was thinking about what we should do because you know, I am. We talked about this yesterday. I. I am a hero. Legitimate hero. I was thinking that I can't be the only hero, Jay. There's got to be other heroes out there. And maybe some of those heroes are listening. Maybe their fans, maybe other people of the bonfire. Maybe the fans of the show are hero. And maybe they didn't have.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, you're probably going to meet a bunch of them@Hero HQ.

[Robert Kelly]

First of all, how did you know about.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is there a league? Is there a justice? Is there. Is there a hall of justice you have to go to?

[Robert Kelly]

It's a. It's a place. It's a meeting place. And you're not supposed to know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it underwater?

[Robert Kelly]

Are you just guessing right now? Are you? Okay, all right, if you. I just want to hear how do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You play it just for your own Record at 8pm on Sunday? Damn. Yeah, it's the fucking game I want.

[Robert Kelly]

To play Los Angeles charges. Boo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm going to be an hour behind my game.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's make a bet right now. I bet the Pats make it to the Super Bowl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you want to bet?

[Robert Kelly]

You bet that the Eagles make it to the Super Bowl?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Full release hand jobs.

[Robert Kelly]

By like, I have to jerk you off and you have to jerk me off. Is someone else going to be in the or.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I put my thumb in your mouth?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How about this? The loser has to masturbate in cold, harsh lighting in front of the other household. So, like, you have to do that just in front of me and Christine while we laugh at you. Or I have to do it. Or I have to do it in front of you and Dawn.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not a. That's not a prize for either one of those girls. They lose.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, they lose.

[Robert Kelly]

They lose.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But it's a stiff punishment to have to do it in front of. Like, why do they.

[Robert Kelly]

But why do they get. Why do they have to lose? I don't want to involve them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You stand behind your household's decision.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you think the last thing I want to hear is Christine's cackle while I'm jerking off?

[Shannon Glazer]

And.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It'S gonna take you forever to come. It's gonna take you a long time. All right, so that's off the table.

[Robert Kelly]

That's off the table.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

Just the dogs. Just in front of the dogs. How about. How about in the dogs?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you have to have sex. Loser. Loser has to have sex with the other one's dog. Or winner gets to have sex with the other one's dog, depending on how you word it.

[Robert Kelly]

Yo, you'll love doodles. She's so soft right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Her hair's long. I know. I'm not gonna have a bunch of her hair into my dick hair the way it does with Dawkins.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm gonna suck. I have to lint brush my bush fat when I'm done with Dawkins.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Every time I Dawkins, I feel like I was laying down with a porcupine. Look, Christine getting serious face now. That's like her. That's like her with damn a sport. She's like, don't make fun of my dog.

[Robert Kelly]

I think someone. If you have a hero story, I think you should call in if you saved a life legitimately, call in right now. 866-969-1969. If you have a hero. If you're a hero. Hey, if you're out there, I'm sending the call out right now. If you have a hero story, call in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

866-969. 1969.

[Robert Kelly]

Just know that Jay is going to me, and Jay will evaluate your story and let you know if you're a true hero.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, I don't think you're a hero.

[Jacob]

It's my dream.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I start off with thinking you're not a hero. When you call. Did you hear Convince me you're a hero. What?

[Robert Kelly]

It's my dream just to put some.

[Jacob]

Toughs in their place somewhat. Some toughs what's it? Some punks.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, that's not a hero. That's vigilante. I'm a hero. I saved.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You could be a hero. You could save people from some toughs.

[Robert Kelly]

That's vigilante, dude. That's death wish. That's. That's like breaking the law.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine, do me a favor. Can you look up if the Patriots played their starters last week?

[Robert Kelly]

They didn't. Sure, there was a bunch of people.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Out last week, but did they play their starters? They sit their starters. Did they try to win the game?

[Robert Kelly]

They tried to win the game and.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They lost to the worst team in football. That's a bad thing. They didn't lose.

[Robert Kelly]

We won.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I thought it just says they just lost.

[Robert Kelly]

We won.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We won the Raiders.

[Robert Kelly]

We didn't play the Raiders Sunday.

[Jacob]

Dolphins. Wasn't it.

[Robert Kelly]

It was the Dolphins. We smoked them.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I tell you something? If you go back to that.

[Robert Kelly]

And then the week before that was the jets. We. I mean, it was almost humiliating what we did to the Jets.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, but. No, no, but go back to that other page with the Patriots thing with their schedule. And if you see the way they put it up there, Bobby, I think they start from the game one. I bet game one of the season was against the Raiders because they just have it listed weird.

[Robert Kelly]

We've won 13 in a row. 13 out of the last 14, I think.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I think so.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's take a peek. That's week one. Let's go down. Go down to the schedule here. They beat the Dolphs.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, usually the Dolphins. Us in the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Then they lost. Then they won. Let's see. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

[Jacob]

Lost.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, the bill.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

2, 3, 4, 5. Lost.

[Robert Kelly]

Who we lose to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, that's pretty. So we go back.

[Robert Kelly]

We lost to the. The Bills.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Damn, dude.

[Robert Kelly]

And we should have won that game. That was a. That was a great game. But. Yeah, but Bear Bear had to win. You know what I mean?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bear, Bear.

[Robert Kelly]

Bear Bear had to. You know, I didn't want to make Bear Bear mad.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bear. Speak, girl. Speak girl. I don't. There's so many fun things I want to get into this week. We've been gone for so long that we. We realized outside we completely forgot about Christine's standup comedy that we have. I found out that I can cry very easily at emotional dance routines.

[Robert Kelly]

You have empathy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, my God.

[Robert Kelly]

You cry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's an NBA referee who I've fallen in love with because he is bringing all the pizzazz back to NBA. This Guy all the pizzazz back. His name is Bill Kennedy. And I was watching a game the other day, and it's a national broadcast. And, you know, the referees speak during the game. And basketball, it's rare, but when they do, it's because, like, the challenge. Somebody challenges the play, whether it was a foul call or a no call, they challenge the play and they review it. And then the referee has to get on a microphone and say, after reviewing the play, here's why it stays. It's a. Or we're turning, overturning it. It's a successful challenge. It's just the most bland fucking referee, guys, going like. After the play, there was contact on the ball. It was legal contact. No foul. The calls reverse. Sixers ball. This guy puts in the work. Watch this personality. Resulting in the defensive foul being upheld. And the coach's challenge is unsuccessful.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that the guy who sang Chocolate Rain, buddy?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's got Cab Calloway hair. I love this guy.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, Jacob, I want you to do me a favor. Take notes right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is this the other one? This guy's energy is great. Give us one more. And you can't see at home, but he moves his hands with it. He's. He's really. He is. Which calls the foul being upheld with the hand. Finger point up in the air.

[Robert Kelly]

Here's what he does, though. He looks right down the barrel.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The barrel.

[Robert Kelly]

Most of these refs look around and not look. They look. He looks at you, smiles get you. And then, yeah, he proceeds.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, you guys aren't gonna like this.

[Jacob]

He makes love to the camera.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He does. He's like, don't worry, guys. I'll handle it.

[Robert Kelly]

Right at the camera. This guy is brilliant.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's the greatest guy in sports.

[Robert Kelly]

He's so. We were like. We had to go back and record it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I had to go back and film this.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, this guy is doing Meisner. This is great.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like, he's disappointment. He goes. Meaning the challenge. It's unsuccessful.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, he goes. He made contact.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He touches the arm. He has made contact on the upper arm and the lower arm, resulting in a foul. Damn. Look up. Is there just stuff on YouTube of him? Give me another taste.

[Robert Kelly]

I gotta. I forgot to tell you something. I'll tell you later. But it's. I have. I have news.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not going to interrupt this, but I. I have really great news.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

Let's watch another one of him. And then. And then I'll tell you the great news.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's a treasure.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, why do they not hire every guy like this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, we also. Could we do. Can we talk. You sent Christine a picture, right? The stuff going on that you show us a picture of earlier.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, we should talk about that. But I got something I want to tell you that would be really cool.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Are we allowed? I mean, I know we're allowed, but I mean, I don't know. I don't want to sandbag your friend.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Jacob]

The other referees must hate him because he.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I bet. I bet no one ever like, dude, never thought about it because they're all going like, well, now we look like we don't give a. Because you're the guy.

[Jacob]

All duds.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I got something to tell you, by the way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A zillion heroes have called it. Oh, we gotta.

[Robert Kelly]

We gotta get to that. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Guess what? This year I'm letting go of resentment. That's a big one because I got a lot of them. I hold them like tickets, and then when you cross me, I stick it in your face. But I'm done. I'm letting it go. A new year is a new opportunity to feel lighter. And you don't have to become a new person to do it. Signing up for therapy with BetterHelp can shine a light on what's been weighing you down and illuminate possibilities for the year ahead. BetterHelp handles the initial therapist matching work for you. Just take a short questionnaire to share your needs and preferences. And thanks to BetterHelp's industry leading match fulfillment rate, they usually get your match right the first time. And if your match isn't right, it just doesn't fit. Switching to a different therapist is easy. Let BetterHelp provide you an unbiased perspective on your life. You can't take steps into a lighter version of yourself without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. Therapy can help you clear space. Sign up and get 10% off betterhelp.com bonfire. That's better. H E L p.com bonfire guys, you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Robert Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

Full remission.

[Robert Kelly]

No, he's still got.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's gonna die.

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, I.

[Robert Kelly]

He has a shot.

[Jacob]

The.

[Robert Kelly]

The. The pneumonia in his lungs from the cancer that was. They were calling it quits because he couldn't breathe. They got it under control, and he's out of the hospital.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice. Back on the road from Chris.

[Robert Kelly]

Chris. Stupid. What's his name?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Megan, you say goodbye to him. From Chris Italia telling that he was currently dead.

[Robert Kelly]

Dead. Died. Out of the hospital.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's out of the hospital. You've sent him two goodbyes. Now he said.

[Robert Kelly]

Just sent me a text. Sounds stupid, but the most steps yet today in physical therapy. I'm hoping I can. I hope I can keep this up. Love you. Miss you, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You should write, I'm buddy, I'm sorry, but I'm already grieving you, so lose my number.

[Jacob]

All right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You said, buddy, I've already grieved you, so.

[Robert Kelly]

Buddy, I've already grieved you, so lose this number. Blame Chris.

[Jacob]

There you go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Little talk to text. I like that. Should we take some of these hero calls?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I can't wait.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And they say that a hero can save us. Who do you like Low you take a look at the board.

[Robert Kelly]

What do you got, Lou? You pick it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, that's just someone calling to say American Beauty. Also makes you feel weird because he's looking at young. Was it Mina Suvari?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, we're talking heroes right now. No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Mina Savar was the young girl on that one.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I haven't watched that since I was a teenager.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The idea is jerk off to them when you're a teenager and then reflect on that positively as you become an adult. But don't whack off to it anymore. Don't be a Bobby Bowie. Don't be out there smacking your cock to fucking.

[Robert Kelly]

I have never smacked my Robert De.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Niro French kissing and thumb face. Fucking. I'm just saying, Julia Lewis, who grew up to be a disgusting boy.

[Robert Kelly]

She really did turn into a Iggy Pop.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The fuck happened to Julia Lewis, dude?

[Robert Kelly]

Son.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, no shit. I mean, what happened? Did she get darned out? She got wet and somebody darned her out and let her wrinkle in the sun.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't be that good looking as a kid and get good looking, old Bobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Stop calling her good looking as a kid.

[Robert Kelly]

No one thought that as a young woman. You can't be pretty as a young woman. Let's try Courtland. Courtland. All right, Courtland. What's his name? Is it Cortland? You're on the air. Let us hear your hero story.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, by the way, everyone called not for a safe story. Some people are just like, bobby, this one says, my phone's listening. Help.

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby, help.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby, help.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't help with technology. I only help with physical emergencies. What do you got, Cortland?

[Renee]

Hey. So I was in a halfway house and a kid bought a bunch of computer duster. He went to a CVS and bought a bunch of computer duster. And I was basically ODing off of. That. Was like, freaking out. Was like foaming from the mouth. And the only thing I could think to do that was on hand was Narcan. So I. I hit him with a Narcan.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What happened?

[Renee]

My phone connected to my Bluetooth. Yeah, he.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Like, I thought. I thought they cut off your. I thought your hour. Your hour of phone call at the rehab was up.

[Renee]

I'm door dashing right now so I can save my phone, which some. Some would say I'm an. I know I speak English and do door dash. You could call me a hero for that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It is heroics, I think.

[Robert Kelly]

I think the doordash is more heroic. Bringing a fat guy a steak and cheese at 12 at night is very heroic.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That is, in this weather.

[Robert Kelly]

What, so when you hit him with the Narcan, is. Was that. Did you save him?

[Renee]

Dude, he came back. He came. I don't know what the hell in the Narcan, because that's for, like, opiates.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Not for computer duster. But tell you what, Narcan probably just fucking gets your heart going. Either way. It just gets you. You know, it's like almost an adrenaline shot.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. He came back. He can't say our words anymore.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Because he would have been fine, but now he has minor brain problems from the Narcan. You're only supposed to take it when you're dead.

[Renee]

It was the craziest Ever. He was, like, foaming from the mouth.

[Robert Kelly]

What did he do when he came back?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did he thank you?

[Renee]

Yeah, dude. He was like, what the. He's like, didn't even know where he was at.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And he's like, have you seen my computer duster? What if it wasn't ODing? What if the little fucking straw from the computer duster thing just went down his throat? He was just choking. You Narcanned him. What? He's like, let's do a computer duster's thing.

[Robert Kelly]

But did you find out after if that was bad or good?

[Renee]

If it was bad or good?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, like Narcan. I mean, Narcan's for a specific thing, not really for computer duster stuff.

[Renee]

I mean, it has. I guess it's a multipurpose thing. Dude, it's kind of crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

We should actually try that with. With Jacob when he comes in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, if you seem like you're in a bad mood, can we just. Narcan.

[Jacob]

You wake me up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Just get you moving, dude. Sometimes I see you nodding a little bit over there. I want to make sure you're up.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. When you not would just stick it right in his chest like Pulp fix.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How about that? Yeah. Every time you start fucking getting sleepy, we'll fucking Pulp Fiction. You back to wake. They go, the is Odin. And then Bobby will take turns and go, did you do last week? I'll do this week. I'm sure that guy went on, though, to turn his life around, right? And now he's running for local senate.

[Renee]

I mean, probably, dude. He's probably, you know, probably doing great. I would imagine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's nice. I was going to say he's doing computer duster with Jimi Hendrix and Janice Joplin in heaven, but. Okay. And Charlie Kirk. And Charlie Kirk.

[Robert Kelly]

Are you still sober?

[Renee]

I'm like, California sober, so no.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Fair enough. Oh, leave him alone.

[Robert Kelly]

I would have a pod.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It just means you smoke weed only, right? Yeah.

[Renee]

Yeah. California.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you drink?

[Renee]

I have a drink on occasion.

[Robert Kelly]

There you go. That's California sober.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's Colorado sober.

[Robert Kelly]

Stupid dude, stop doing meth. Hey, call. Hey, look, I'm a hero in a bunch of different ways, so if you need help, get in touch with me. I'll help you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby, he doesn't do meth anymore.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude, no meth, no coke. It's a. It's a gateway drug.

[Jacob]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine's California sober.

[Robert Kelly]

All right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This guy's phone keeps Bobby.

[Renee]

If Bobby was my sponsor, I would. I would drop everything in a heartbeat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. What the Is That.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's cool. What an honor.

[Renee]

You're my hero.

[Robert Kelly]

I thank you, buddy. I'm a lot of people's hero. Especially that girl from Costa Rica.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But mainly only her.

[Robert Kelly]

If not, I'm his hero too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, well, not yet, Lou.

[Robert Kelly]

Am I your hero? In many ways.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ah.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm a hero anyway.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Also, I just had a different. My catalyst was different than yours.

[Robert Kelly]

Yours was sticking his face into the bottom. Still a hero.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A lot of ways. Still a hero.

[Jacob]

You're right.

[Robert Kelly]

You were a big factor in it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, listen, someone had to say that stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

You're either his hero or the guy who made him kill himself.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You gave him the booby booby stuff. Someone had to say the other stuff.

[Robert Kelly]

Good cop, bad cop. Really bad cop. I mean, wow. All right. Any more heroes?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, we have so much, Scott. Thank you, Coral. And you.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you, buddy.

[Renee]

Love you guys. Thank you for keeping me entertained on my drives every day. I love you guys. You guys rule.

[Robert Kelly]

One day at a time. Dude, call me if you need me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's gonna call you.

[Robert Kelly]

He will.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll get him off everything.

[Robert Kelly]

That's my job.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hope that you. You do that and start a weird cult. But, like, everyone, we find out that you've been having gay sex with all of our fans. That's what you hope over at her. Yeah. I'm like, oh, my God, you have. Am I a part of this now? Am I complicit?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, that's what I do with the regs. Fans.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hang on a second.

[Robert Kelly]

What do you got?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're about to get robbed.

[Robert Kelly]

Who's coming in?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lou, talk to them.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tell them we're cool. Dude, tell those guys we're cool.

[Robert Kelly]

What if that's the girl's family?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yo, tell these guys we're cool.

[Robert Kelly]

We good?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What did they stick on the door?

[Robert Kelly]

What if they just grabbed Lou and dragged him down the hallway?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They stuck something on the door.

[Robert Kelly]

What was it?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lulu comes back with a different color bandana on. Sorry, guys. I'm in the rolling 66s now.

[Robert Kelly]

He's got a teardrop tattoo.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Guys, it's been crazy since I walked outside. I had to kill. I had to kill an old lady for an initiation.

[Robert Kelly]

Blood in, blood out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Shannon Glazer. You saved somebody. You're so teeny.

[Shannon Glazer]

Yeah, I mean, I'm built solid, you know, Gravity.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I wasn't doubting your density.

[Robert Kelly]

Hi, Shannon.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How are you?

[Shannon Glazer]

Oh, thanks. Thank you.

[Renee]

Good.

[Shannon Glazer]

How are you, baby?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm good, baby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But you're tiny.

[Robert Kelly]

Stop calling her tiny. Small people don't like tall people calling us names.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't. Us.

[Shannon Glazer]

No. You know, I mean, I'm used to it. If I ask people to get things off high shelves.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby's also teeny and dense.

[Robert Kelly]

Stop calling me us.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tiny, the human cannonball.

[Robert Kelly]

You know what?

[Shannon Glazer]

Well, we're both.

[Robert Kelly]

Shut up. You're small, too.

[Shannon Glazer]

That's fine.

[Robert Kelly]

Shannon.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Gives me one second here. I just want to let Bobby know. Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're teensy and adorable.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not teensy. Don't call me teensy. Don't. Don't. Stop calling me teensy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Isn't it funny when I do with pink fingernails?

[Robert Kelly]

It makes me sick of my stomach.

[Jacob]

Bobby. So teensy, it finally comes out.

[Robert Kelly]

Shut up. You're smaller than all of us.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Shannon. Go ahead. So somebody was stuck. Somebody was. Somebody was buried under a forklift. And what did you do?

[Shannon Glazer]

Well, so I. I'll. I'll preface this with that. At the time, I was arranged safety officer at my gun club, so they offered free first aid training, which I needed a renewal on. And probably about three weeks later, I worked in a cube farm at work, and I heard someone screaming, help. And ran around a corner like I've never done that before.

[Robert Kelly]

Shannon. Shannon, real quick.

[Shannon Glazer]

Ran towards the danger.

[Robert Kelly]

Shannon, real quick. I'm telling you right now, when you. As a hero, when you hear help, that is the. That's the people run towards it or they run away from it. And you ran towards it.

[Shannon Glazer]

I didn't know I was that kind of person.

[Robert Kelly]

Continue with the story. You're running towards the person yelling, help.

[Shannon Glazer]

Thank you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I just say real quick that I run towards. I run towards help, but when I get there, I assess the situation before I actually help.

[Jacob]

Exactly.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not.

[Jacob]

Thank you for saying that.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not a hero.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes, it is.

[Jacob]

Bobby, if a homeless bum is foaming at the mouth, are you going to give him cpr?

[Robert Kelly]

No, I'm going to stick Narcan in his chest.

[Jacob]

You don't have it. The only thing you can do is.

[Robert Kelly]

Buddy, I'm a hero. We have a belt with Narcan. We have a grappling hook. When you're.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When you. I go put him down like a stray dog who bit somebody, I just go over and I choke him to sleep. And I. And I say. And I shush him the whole time.

[Jacob]

I go, if mouth to mouth is the only thing that can help help a homeless guy.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Jacob]

You're going to let him die.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. No, you are. Get my mouth right on that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you're A hero now.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, when I.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Once you accept heroics. Anytime you don't show heroics, Bobby, you're back down to, like, regular person. Oh, that was just one time. That was just one time thing.

[Robert Kelly]

When I showed up at the girl, I had to assess the situation, and I did. And I just.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

By the way, I don't like the way you did it. Remember when you said there was sister. He goes, okay, so you're here, your dad's over there. Turn the punch bowl.

[Robert Kelly]

Did not say that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Remember you said that.

[Robert Kelly]

I didn't say that. I did not say that. Go ahead.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Go ahead, Shannon. It was fucked up that you said that, but you did say that for sure. Shannon, I'm sorry.

[Shannon Glazer]

No, no, it's fine. So a co worker had heard strange noise, and she went around the corner and found one of her co workers sitting in her chair with head picking up, like, kind of looking towards the sky. When she capped her on the shoulder, she just collapsed onto my other co worker so that my co worker was yelling, help. I came, and the woman was blue, totally blue. So she.

[Robert Kelly]

Now, was she at the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory? And did she eat any of the wrong candy?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She touched on her shoulder and she collapsed like fucking Spock.

[Shannon Glazer]

So she had. What? What happened was she was. She started having a seizure while she was sitting in her chair and her head cocked back and she was choking on her own tongue.

[Jacob]

See, that's the kind of hero.

[Robert Kelly]

What did her head do again?

[Shannon Glazer]

Cocked back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, thanks. She delivered that like the referee.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Her head was hell. Her head was hell, Shannon.

[Robert Kelly]

How was her head?

[Shannon Glazer]

It was. It was.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, seriously, though, how was her head when you showed up?

[Shannon Glazer]

So her head was pointing towards the sky, but.

[Robert Kelly]

What is that? What is that?

[Shannon Glazer]

Choking on her own tongue, Right?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Choking on her own tongue. Like it was a.

[Shannon Glazer]

Yes, yes, exactly. Which is why her head was cocked back.

[Jacob]

So what do you do in that case? I don't understand.

[Shannon Glazer]

So I had to help her. She was, like, falling onto my co worker. So she was collapsing on the ground. So I grabbed her from my co worker and we set her down on the ground. And everyone at work was standing around me. Like at least 20 people were standing around me doing nothing. So I started yelling for someone to call Public Safety, someone to call 911. I got her, like, flat on the ground, covered her up because she was in the skirt and she was flailing, and I caught. I cocked her head back to clear her airway, And she went from being blue to color, started coming back in her face, like she. I think she was totally dead. Because I'd never seen someone that color. Her lips, her face were blue.

[Renee]

Wow.

[Shannon Glazer]

So when I moved her head in that direction, it cleared her. Her tongue out of her airway and she started breathing again.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jesus Christ.

[Shannon Glazer]

So I.

[Robert Kelly]

If you weren't there, she'd be dead.

[Shannon Glazer]

Yeah, because no one did anything.

[Robert Kelly]

Everybody. Because they're not heroes like you.

[Shannon Glazer]

They're not here. Yeah. You know, heroes.

[Robert Kelly]

Heroes step in and figure it out. They assess the situation and then they figure it out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If I needed help and a girl was. Came around the corner to help me in any situation I had, and it was Shannon, I'd be like, oh, it's gonna be okay. Yeah, Shannon looks like she might know Shannon. She might know like better. Like she has like a job. Like she's a lineman. Like, like works on telephone poles or something like that I would never be able to do. And I'm afraid of.

[Shannon Glazer]

I'm still lifting. I think by next gang fest I can pick up DJ Lou.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Fuck yeah.

[Shannon Glazer]

Because I tried with his ass last Vegas Gang fest and was not successful. But I've been working out, so I'm hoping for next year we can try.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, I just want you to know, dude, that ass is coming down hard. That's why.

[Shannon Glazer]

That's why I'm. That's why I'm working hard right now.

[Robert Kelly]

Christine, is there any way that we could. Is there any way we could have a hero tent at Skyfest? The sober tent is the hero tent.

[Jacob]

Duh.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, but you have to. If you were able to. If you're able to provide proof of heroics you've created, there should be some sort of a vip. Vip?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, like a VIP Hero badge. Okay, Shannon, we're going to work this out, but you're getting a hero.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Something you might have good access to. A hero. What did I just say? You have to have proof.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, we have proof.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Shannon's got to bring us this blue faced lady to fucking tell her.

[Shannon Glazer]

Yeah, we got to lie to you guys. Well, unfortunately, that is how she found out. She had a seizure disorder. And about four years ago she died of that seizure disorder.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait a minute, wait. We got it. We got it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Does that cut her heroics?

[Shannon Glazer]

So she didn't know. She didn't know she had a seizure disorder until she had a seizure at work.

[Robert Kelly]

How many years after you saved her did she live?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it four?

[Robert Kelly]

Four?

[Shannon Glazer]

No, no, no.

[Robert Kelly]

She said four years ago.

[Shannon Glazer]

Four years ago.

[Robert Kelly]

She said she died four years ago.

[Shannon Glazer]

I think it was probably Five years before that.

[Robert Kelly]

I think you're a hero.

[Shannon Glazer]

Is when I was very involved with the gun club.

[Robert Kelly]

She died, like, three months after that. We'd have to take.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She died how many years after?

[Robert Kelly]

5.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Five years after she was saved.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. But we don't know what those years were. One of those years were just full of, like, inner household abuse. He was like, I thought you were dead. And he slaps her. The husband's mad because she's alive. He's like, I was already spending that insurance money. And then he beats the. Out of her every day for the next five years.

[Robert Kelly]

But Shannon saved her for those.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah, but she saved her. But, like, now it just opened up. She could. She could have just died there, not knowing what happened. It was sudden. She was gone. Fucking swallowing her delicious tongue.

[Robert Kelly]

And then it might have been. Might have been suicide.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

She might have just tried to choke her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why? Because her head was already cocked. Oh, my God.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, I'm back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All right.

[Robert Kelly]

You'Re in the hero tent.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Remember, you say that, woman. Here's the five more years of beatings for that girl. You got her merciless beatings.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, what else do we got? We got any more heroes? Thanks, Shannon.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude. Let's see if. Pick a good one here. I can't read them very good. Christina, on my glasses here.

[Robert Kelly]

Do you want to try Renee? Just because it's a woman and it seemed she have a lot of. All right, let's go to Renee. Renee, you're on the bonfire. Tell us your hero story. Oh, it's a boy from Denver.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You thought it was a girl.

[Renee]

I'm definitely not a woman.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, sorry. Well, you can really tell.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes. My name is Renee Marie Wilson.

[Robert Kelly]

What's up, Renee? How much did you get in your life?

[Renee]

Oh, I'm a Puerto Rican from the South Bronx, so I've been shut on my entire life.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, sound like a redneck from Kentucky.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you should have told us.

[Renee]

Oh, God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You should have told us your Tejano name.

[Renee]

It's Renee Jose. Yes. There you go.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, there you go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Renee Jose Renee.

[Renee]

My best Costa Rican impression.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm like, I'm in Costa Rica right now. Hey, what's up, dude? I'm from Costa Rica, too, man.

[Robert Kelly]

That's not Costa Rica. That's Mexican.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey.

[Renee]

Costa Rican.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's Renee from Costa Rica. He's from the other part where Malcolm Jamal Warner died.

[Robert Kelly]

That's east la, guys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What are you talking about, dude?

[Renee]

No, come on. What you talking about? My Puerto Rican bot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, look, Everybody, Bobby and his wife are falling in love again. Oh, look, it's rough. Sutton, what's up?

[Renee]

You better get that H. Get her in chest.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, so tell us your story.

[Renee]

Long story short, after I was in the army for, for 10 years, six years in the infantry.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you for your service in Psyop. And then me and Jacob really care about yourself. I do.

[Renee]

I'm just trying to get in that hero tent, bro.

[Robert Kelly]

You're already in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You might be there. Yeah.

[Renee]

After, After Hurricane Maria and the whole Trump throwing.

[Robert Kelly]

Maria?

[Renee]

Yeah, yeah, that's my air school.

[Robert Kelly]

It's just fun to do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hurricane Maria came. Yo, man, that was El Dios de la muerte.

[Robert Kelly]

I knew it was coming because my rice and beans were shaking on the table.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby, that's not Costa Rican.

[Renee]

Stop trying to be like us, homes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bro, you're being racist with your accent.

[Robert Kelly]

Dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Learn your dialects from which place they come from.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm doing the same dialect. Are you doing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What are you talking about?

[Renee]

You sell more Mexican, bro.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This is Costa Rica. I'm a trans person from Costa Rica.

[Robert Kelly]

My name is Rene Jose.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm the, I'm the main chief export of Costa Rica trans people.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, so go ahead.

[Renee]

But no, I, I, I got mad at the Trump throwing paper towels at Puerto Ricans thing. So I raised the gofundme for like 6 grand and I bought a one way ticket to Puerto Rico and helped 11 families by myself with paper towels.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, dude, I could do that. What the fuck?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Vegas. I helped some families. I made the wife feel beautiful again. I put my thumb in the daughter's mouth.

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, dude, it cost 850 to help six families in Puerto Rico.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Greetings from Costa Rica. Where's your daughter? I'm gonna put my thumb in her mouth.

[Jacob]

That's incredibly vague.

[Robert Kelly]

How did you. Yeah, how did you help them?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I would do well. Six grand, dude, you could buy the new houses down there. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

What did you get them all?

[Renee]

Ferraris, batteries, cash, water, rice. Because like the lines at Walmart's were six hours long, seven hours long just to get anything. But yeah, I just brought like a whole like. I. Delta had dropped all the weight limits on suitcases, so I brought like three 80 pound suitcases full of just, you know, food and anything I can use.

[Robert Kelly]

Did you give them, did you let him have the suitcases and take them back to where you live?

[Renee]

Of course I left them. Are you kidding?

[Jacob]

I'm saying this is a Good Samaritan but not a hero.

[Robert Kelly]

Really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What?

[Jacob]

I mean, it's a good deed, but it's not heroic.

[Robert Kelly]

Guys, before you huff, what if those.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

11 families didn't have batteries? Then what were the.

[Robert Kelly]

Were they. Were the people dying that you saved, or were they gonna be okay?

[Renee]

I mean, I don't know if you remember that whole incident, but, like, yeah, there was people who just couldn't afford. They weren't working, you know, like, so it was just. Yeah. It had to be done. And I just, you know, I thought it was a selfless thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Absolutely.

[Renee]

We all can't be, you know, we all can't be woodsmen like Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

True. No list. You're a fucking hero, dude.

[Jacob]

That's the level I'm judging you on. I'm sorry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're a hero. But I. Listen, that's also great. I wanted to. I got inspired with Katrina. I wanted to help people. So I went to the Superdome and I started giving everybody, like, dogs that I found. So I bird. But I thought I was being helpful because I'm like, oh, when they like a dog. But then they realized I just gave them a burden of, like, responsibility. Now they have no home, a family, and a dog.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. And they have four mouths to feed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now. They have four mouths of feed. So that's not heroic. Solitary.

[Robert Kelly]

The good part about that is they cook the dogs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And most of those dogs got eaten right in the bonfire in the middle of the super do.

[Robert Kelly]

That is good. Well, listen, dude, I think Jacob is not a hero.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I say hero 10. That would say hero 10 for me.

[Robert Kelly]

Listen, I'm gonna say, because you didn't have to do it. Nobody asked you to do it, and you did it.

[Renee]

This gives me bonus points. I'm the guy who gave you cigars at Com.

[Robert Kelly]

You're a hero. You're a hero.

[Jacob]

Excuse me.

[Robert Kelly]

You're a hero. You're a hero. Those cigars are fantastic. I'm coming back in a few months.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're a hero. You're a hero.

[Renee]

We'll see you in the beginning of February. I already got tickets.

[Robert Kelly]

And bring those hero bats with you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Someone just made his way into the hero 10. Or at least a cigar one.

[Robert Kelly]

Definitely.

[Renee]

We're going to be represented. Costa Ricans in the house.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Finally. The first two Costa Ricans in the cigar lounge.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't talk. You can't talk like that. No talking like that in the Hero 10. Can you only talk like that in the Hero 10?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The Hero tent. Everyone has to talk in a racist. In a racist cholo accent.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, welcome, everybody, to the hero Dan.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But you have to just say, wherever you're from. He goes, what do you mean? I'm from Indianapolis. Where do I sound like I'm from? Why? Because I have a Costa Rican accent.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm from Moose Jaw, Canada.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Simply because I sound Costa Rican.

[Robert Kelly]

You think that there's that cholo lady, I. Everybody dancing. I love the cello dance is my favorite dance.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Thank you for your service.

[Robert Kelly]

Thank you, buddy. Thank you for your service, brother. I'll see you at the Hero 10.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You guys see Crackle? See you. Who else we got? Well, we got one more.

[Robert Kelly]

We could do one more.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We got no commercials.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's get it. I know. God damn it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What do you got, dude, I want to dance like this.

[Robert Kelly]

You can. It's so easy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can I tell you something? I got my favorite pair. I don't know why. They're big baggy pants are making me think of it. I got my favorite pants I've ever had in my life yesterday for the fun of why I never bought these my entire life. Wanted them forever.

[Robert Kelly]

True. Classic. No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What not your company can do with you. Adidas Snapside pants. Adidas Snapside pants.

[Robert Kelly]

Jesus Christ. Do you know?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I wear them like. I wear them like baggier than that.

[Robert Kelly]

When me and Billy Burr lived together, I had a pair of those. Were on the couch one day and he's like, come on, dude, let's go. Let's go get lunch. Let's go. I was just sitting there with just those on, and he was like, dude, come on. And I finally just stood up, I ripped them off. Bare ass, threw them at him. I went, let's do it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice. Well, I tell you this, I'm pretty sure I'm right about this. They don't do that anymore. They're not. They don't tear completely apart anymore. There's just snaps on the side.

[Robert Kelly]

I tear right off my fucking wing. Wang was right in Billy's face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nah, dude, these like. I'm gonna start breakdancing at any moment.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a big Christine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you feel yesterday there was any chance I was gonna start breakdancing? I thought you might, right? Like you didn't just be in you.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a wide side, though, I'd have to say.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What that.

[Robert Kelly]

That pinstripe down the side is wide.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It is, but it looks like it's cool.

[Robert Kelly]

He does wear them a lot baggier than that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, these are a little straight legged on these people. I go, I went baggy.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. That's a statement.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm a B boy in my B boy stance.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a statement. All right, who we got?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Lou, I'm not a hero, but I am a B boy.

[Robert Kelly]

Chris from New Jersey thinks he's a hero. Oh, okay. Geez, Lou, why are you gonna sh. Right out of the gate with your tone if he is? Well, we'll hear it. All right, let's go, Chris.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dirty Jersey. Whoa.

[Robert Kelly]

God.

[Renee]

So when I was a kid, my mom took me and my sister to her friend's house. We were playing with these two other kids. They were wild. And my sister was laying on the ground. One of the girls was bigger. Like, big, big ass. And she sat on my sister's chest, and I could. My sister, like, I could tell. Couldn't burn, couldn't breathe. And I tried to push the girl off. She wouldn't get off. I tried to push her again, wouldn't get off. My sister started turning blue, ran and grabbed my mom. My mom came and threw the girl off, screamed at the girl's mother, and never. I. I never seen those people ever again. But my mom. I mean, my sister was, like, blue. Like. Like the other caller said. She was, like, blue. Blue.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, I just want to say this real quick, brother. I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna Xnay this hero.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

A what?

[Robert Kelly]

Because it. Okay. In my.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He understands piglet.

[Robert Kelly]

In my. In my. You don't know that. In my story, he is the little girl that said, help. I'm the. Your mom. Why don't you have your mom have your mom call in? Because she's the fucking hero. Yeah, your mom is the fucking hero.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're the most.

[Robert Kelly]

You understand? I'm the hero.

[Jacob]

That's true.

[Robert Kelly]

I saved the girl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You had mom came over and turned the punch bowl.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. Oh, no. She did. Nobody said that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, but that's. I'm saying it's the analogy in this story. His mother came over and said, turn the punch bowl and then knock the fat lady off of her chest.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude, you're not the hero. Your mom is the hero.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He was the middle bot.

[Robert Kelly]

Me.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Someone.

[Robert Kelly]

The little girl was like, help her. Help her. And I was like, where? And I went and helped. She went in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you think your white ass is gonna be remembered in that family, and the story is not always gonna be that her sister saved her life because she got a finely trained athlete to go out there and get her sister.

[Robert Kelly]

They're flying me out there to Atlanta to accept an award.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hope it's happened. God, I hope that's true. I really hope, too. I hope you spend the night in a. In a freaknik party, just like black with gold teeth.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm on a street. A street party. Hey, buddy. Tell your mom she's a hero.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She just hung up on us. You so upset. Yeah, because I'm out.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, tell your mom she's a hero. She can go to the hero tennis gang fest.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm punching out boys.

[Jacob]

That story hits home for me, though, because. Because when I was a kid, there was a super fat girl who would use her fat against people and would suffocate you with her fat. That's.

[Robert Kelly]

I can't believe you can kill somebody with your fat.

[Jacob]

She would crush you. She crushed a girl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My sweet, sweet grandmother sat on your chest. Never understood. No, she was. She was tiny, my grandmother, but she would. That was her big. She didn't understand how it was killing me when she would say this, because I come back in with, like, the kids are making fun of me and calling me fat or calling me whatever. You know, we were playing some game, and then whatever kid said this, and she goes, will you tell him if he's gonna keep saying that, the next time, you'll go out there and just sit on him. And I go, it's not gonna help the fight.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's not gonna help the argument. My mom. I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I know you mean well. But that's not. It's gonna. It hurts me that you're now also saying. You're doubling down and saying, like, well, you are fat, so use it, Tubbs.

[Jacob]

Well, see, I think you're feeling sympathy for this girl. Like she's bullied or something, so she just acted that way. She was a horrible person. Nobody bothered her. Her whole family was garbage. And she would just crush people in the. On the bus, she was just sit. She sat on this one girl, but who had to stay home.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're still holding that grudge, Jacob.

[Jacob]

I feel like she used her fat as evil.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I know, but as an adult now, you should feel that that was her. She was a fat, sad. No chick.

[Robert Kelly]

That was Jay's grandma's advice. Maybe she had a grandmother gave her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's what I was just. When I heard that, I was like, maybe her grandma was like, if they're gonna keep calling you fat, use it.

[Jacob]

Nobod called her fat. Nobody made fun of her. She.

[Robert Kelly]

You just called her fat. Big fat.

[Jacob]

And her brothers were ti terrors. They made everyone miserable. She didn't. She does not deserve your sympathy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She Was molested.

[Robert Kelly]

I think we got. We all were. I think. What's that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I wasn't. I was an unfuckable kid. What you think I would have been? Dude, I was just juicy for the takings. I had little bubs. I was soft.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but you got to have a van to get you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I would have sucked any adult's thumb.

[Robert Kelly]

You can't just pick you up in a Honda.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Until I was. Until I was 15 years old, any man could have put a thumb in my mouth. I would have just sucked it for him.

[Robert Kelly]

You have to have like one of those little minivans to molest you. Hey, kid. Hey. Get. Get in this small car. I can't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We can take a few more heroic stories when we get back. We do have to take a break.

[Robert Kelly]

Hold on the line.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The good news is there's no commercials, so got nothing.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, we got a couple heroes out the of of it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but we don't need another hero. But we're finding one. Bobby's gonna be in McCurdy's Comedy Theater in Sarasota January 16th and 17th. After that, Poughkeepsie, the Comedy Works south, where he's going to run to Renee the Hero and then Batavia, Illinois for tickets. And all of his tour dates go to Punch up Dot Live. Robert Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

That's right. And Big J this weekend. Not this weekend. The 8th. The 16th through the 18th is going to be good nights in Raleigh. Fantastic Club. Then he's in The Chicago Improv, September 22nd, 24th. After that, he'll be in West Nyack, New York. Deanna Beach, Donya Beach. Donya. I hate that name. Donya Beach. And then Fort Worth and Nashville. For the tickets and tour dates, go to bigjcomedy.com and he's going to be doing his live show, so make sure you go to YouTube.com@/epicjokerson.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm doing the night.

[Robert Kelly]

Just tonight. There you go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Doing tonight, 10 o', clock, 10pm Eastern.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm going to tune in.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tune in, join in. There's got to be a way that could happen.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's collab YKWD in live.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We gotta collab.

[Robert Kelly]

We'll be right back. Hang on the phone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bye bye.

[Robert Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ted Danson here to let you know about a special episode of our podcast where everybody knows your name.

[Robert Kelly]

This week, Woody and I are so chuffed. That's an English term, chuffed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

To welcome a true Texas gentleman, Matthew McConaughey. We had a blast talking to Matthew.

[Robert Kelly]

In his hometown of Austin, and we.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Got into everything from Matthew's books and poetry to his very special friendship with Woody.

[Robert Kelly]

Not as special as mine, of course.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Listen to this episode of where everybody knows your name with me, Ted Danson and Woody Harrelson.

[Robert Kelly]

Sometimes. This was a sometimes. Wherever you get your podcasts.