Welcome To The Heroes Club

Summary

The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Robert Kelly

Episode: Welcome To The Heroes Club
Air date: February 24, 2026
Platform: SiriusXM Faction Talk, Channel 103

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Episode Overview

In this laid-back but raucous installment, Jay and Bobby banter their way through stories of heroism — or, at least, what passes as heroics among comics. The episode’s main thread is Jay’s self-proclaimed induction into the “Heroes Club,” sparking stories about awkward good deeds, newfound empathy, and the sometimes absurd minefield of public encounters. The duo veer comedically through topics such as Facebook oversharing, the travails of older comics, TSA pat-downs, and comic Sue Costello's public battle with CBS, always returning to the theme of life's minor victories and embarrassing stumbles.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Heroes Club & Jay's "Heroic" Act

• Jay's Story: Jay recounts an incident at a Raleigh restaurant where he, after an awkward misunderstanding, offers leftover fried green tomatoes to a man he realizes is mentally challenged and then pays for the table's meal.

  • Jay’s pride about the good deed is playfully picked apart by Bobby and the crew.
  • Bobby recalls his own “heroic” story about saving a girl in the ocean, drawing a mock rivalry between his and Jay’s actions.

• Notable Quotes:

  • Jay (09:04): “The bonfire is now a room with two heroes in it. Two heroes.”
  • Jay (15:20): “I thought you were gonna say, welcome to the Heroes club.”
  • Jay (14:30): “I'm not, we're not eating any more of these tomatoes. If you want to try them before you order them … And he went, yeah. And then he took them and he ate them, and he went, they're really good.”
  • Bobby (23:06): “If you're going to be a real hero in this situation. The tomatoes that you gave him. This matters. Were you going to eat them or did you have the will to eat those tomatoes, stopped yourself from eating them to give them to him?”

• Memorable Moment (17:00):

  • Jay describes the man’s enthusiastic enjoyment: “So fast. And he held it like. Like, you know, like mess hall, fork style … and it was on his face a little.”

• Reflection on Empathy:

  • Jay claims the incident transformed him, declaring he’s an “empath” now, prompting comic mockery from Bobby and the team.

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2. Aging, The Comedy Grind, & Health

• Bobby’s Health Story (05:54-07:26):

  • Bobby reflects on his visit to Mike Calta in Florida. Despite an initial healthy streak, he's hilariously derailed by indulgent eating with friends.
  • Jay and Bobby riff on weight loss, shirt sizes, and the constant temptation of unhealthy habits.

• Notable Quotes:

  • Bobby (06:26): “If I move down there, I have to move far. We can't be near each other because I will just be a tub of shit.”

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3. Facebook Drama & Comic Oversharing

• Comic Facebook Rants (30:16-33:41):
  • The crew discuss older comics’ tendency to air personal grievances and finances on Facebook, with Jay and Bobby mock-analyzing a friend's outrage over splitting a restaurant bill.
  • They joke about being out of the Facebook algorithm and “bookmarking” long rants for bathroom reading.

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4. The Saga of Sue Costello

• Ongoing CBS Drama (35:01-43:13):

  • Jay reads selections from comic Sue Costello’s intense, grievance-filled Facebook posts, in which she describes perceived betrayals by the industry and CBS. The comics riff on her resilience, her signature “Boston” posting style, and propose having her as a guest and even love interest for producer Jacob.
  • Bobby and Jay speculate about the truths (or not) behind her account.

• Notable Quotes:

  • Jay (36:03, reading Sue Costello): “My whole body has goosebumps. It's called chicken skin. Like the night after week of Jim Burroughs directing me down because Penelope Ann Miller was horrible only to have Les Moonves scream in front of a live audience. Where the fuck is Costello's personality?”
  • Jay (41:14, paraphrasing Sue): "She wants you to know that everyone is beating her down and she climbs through it and rises above. But every day she has to do that."
  • Jay (49:01): “Les Moonves may have been her hero or the worst person ever. I can't really pay attention … I just read them now for context.”

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5. Navigating Awkward Social Encounters

• TSA Pat-Down Story (50:47-53:40):

  • Jay describes an uncomfortable encounter with a TSA agent who needed to pat down a suspicious “area” flagged by the scanner. The story devolves into jokes about public masturbation, the loneliness of the aging process, and the innate embarrassment of such personal searches.

• Notable Quotes:

  • Jay (52:00): “I just took it and … I mean, I forgot about it until this moment. So I guess it wasn't that traumatizing. I already came to it.”
  • Jay (53:20): “Cop frisking the black dude. What is it right here? What is this right here? He goes. My penis.”

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6. Bread, Baked Goods & Comedy Fans

• The Artisanal Yeast Story (56:47):
  • Bobby describes visiting “Bread Bandits,” a bakery run by fans that uses a 140-year-old yeast smuggled from Canada.
  • Jay and Bobby marvel at the dedication required to keep the yeast alive and compare it to caring for a dog or baby.

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7. Jacob’s Romantic Prospects & Ranch Life

• Matchmaking for Jacob (43:14-46:49):
  • The crew attempts to set up producer Jacob with Sue Costello, riffing on her small stature, strong personality, and their potential as a couple on “the ranch.”

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [05:54-07:51] Bobby’s diet, weight loss, and unhealthy weekends with Mike Calta
• [09:04-16:14] Jay’s “heroic” story at the restaurant — the core “Heroes Club” narrative
• [22:45-24:17] Deciding whether Jay’s act was truly heroic, given he didn’t like the tomatoes
• [30:16-33:41] Facebook oversharing and comic drama
• [35:01-43:13] Dramatic readings and commentary on Sue Costello’s CBS saga and Facebook posts
• [43:14-46:49] Setting up Jacob with Sue, joking about ranch life and relationships
• [50:47-53:40] Jay’s TSA pat-down story and “dick pat” jokes
• [56:47-57:32] “Bread Bandits” story — the 140-year-old yeast from Canada

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Facebook Meltdowns:
  • Jay: “Oh, dude, I put a bookmark in Sue Costello post to go take a shit. Like, when I'm done taking a shit, it lasts longer than my shit.” ([32:30])
• On Aging Comics:
  • Bobby: “I'm not cheating on my wife with my wife. You know what I mean?” ([56:14])
• On Empathy:
  • Jay: “I'm starting to find out that I'm an empath. I'm a total empath.” ([21:50])
• Inventing the “Hadamak” (playing off Sue Costello’s Facebook style):
  • Jay: “My father was right. I'm a real hard maca. I'm hard to Mac the same way a diamond is hard to Mac. Everybody tries to scratch their name into me and I'm the diamond, just laughing and stay flawless.” ([39:14])

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Overall Tone and Flavor

• Irreverent & Candid:
  The Bonfire’s signature is its blend of heartfelt camaraderie and caustic, off-color humor. No taboo is left untouched, no story safe from ribbing.

• Authentic Comic Energy:
  Conversations wind through inside-baseball comedy, public awkwardness, and genuine moments of self-reflection, but always punctuated by sarcasm, affection, and mutual busting.

• Recurring Themes:

  • The bittersweet realities of aging and adjusting in show business
  • Conceding that small acts of kindness sometimes stem from guilt or self-interest
  • The volatile emotional lives of comics on and offstage
  • The importance of empathy — and the comic limits of their own compassion

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Summary for Listeners

“Welcome To The Heroes Club” is classic Bonfire: loose, sharp, and unpredictable. Jay and Bobby’s bickering is especially strong as they test the boundaries of what earns someone hero status, grapple with getting older and less relevant, and roast Sue Costello’s relentless industry battle and Facebook style in excruciating detail. It's an episode rich with inside jokes and relatable cringe, ideal for fans of rough-edged but sincere comic talk.

For the best part, listen between [09:04-16:14] for the Heroes Club story, and [35:01-43:13] for Sue Costello’s Facebook saga.

Transcript

[A]

ABC Wednesday in comedian Nate Brigetzi's new game show. To win, you don't need to know the right answer, just what most Americans think is right. It's not about being the smartest. You just have to be the most average. We asked 100 average Americans, do they keep an empty gas can in their car?

[B]

No.

[A]

Have they ever broken a bone?

[C]

No.

[B]

I said a lot of no.

[C]

That's all right.

[A]

My wife says a lot of no as well. The greatest Average American premieres Wednesday, 9.8Central on ABC and stream next day on Hulu.

[B]

When great design enters your life, the world feels more vibrant. The same happens when you step into a Buick. Feel the confidence of head turning style. Discover luxuries you don't have to wait [e-mail] Buick exceptional by design. And now the bonfire with Big J

[A]

Okerson and Robert Kelly.

[C]

There's gonna be a lot of gay sex.

[B]

Dancing in the sheets. That means sex, Bobby.

[A]

Sex.

[B]

You can't be afraid of that word.

[A]

What movie was that from again?

[B]

Dancing in the Sheets.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Come on. Opening scene.

[A]

Opening scene of vacation Chevy Chase. Opening scene of Mr.

[C]

Mom.

[A]

No, I got it.

[B]

There's a parking lot. There's a parking lot of, like a burger stand. Everyone's outside. Somebody comes over, puts a little boombox on the ground, hits play. What's playing? Shalimar is dancing in the streets. And just when everyone's feeling it, it gets ruined.

[A]

Ready?

[B]

Who go on footloose. Footloose. And the song gets stopped. They push stop. And who pushes stop?

[A]

The lady who played Alice on the sitcom Alice. No.

[B]

Okay, Alice, who played sitcom Alice, wasn't in the movie.

[C]

Wrong.

[A]

That was the wrong. Why do you always get to turn into a. Just go with it. It was a joke. I was picking somebody who wasn't in it. You really are a.

[B]

Well, you know. Why don't you make a reference from 1979?

[A]

You mean when I was a kid?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Stop forgetting that I'm 10 years older than you. Young whipper snapper.

[B]

Not 10.

[A]

How old are you?

[B]

Five? Like 48.

[A]

Oh, no shit. You seem so younger. You do. Your energy is young. Your energy is jovial and youthful. Look at it. Look at you, dude. Maybe it's the way you dress. Maybe it's your mittens. You have one pant leg up. Even if it's cold out, I feel

[B]

the need to sweep you off of your feet. You and me, John Lithgow.

[A]

John Lithgow. Come on, son. Just give me a chance. Jay. Hey, Jay. Give me a shot.

[B]

Coach, I Get proud of you.

[A]

That's all, man. Just give me a shot, I'll hit it.

[B]

I get proud of you too.

[A]

I'll fucking hit it.

[B]

You know, I get big excited for you.

[A]

I know you get as big as.

[B]

Grab your coat and wig. Bye.

[A]

We got a great show today. We have a very good guest coming in later.

[B]

I know you're very excited about it. I'm excited to meet him too.

[A]

Well, people, you know, you, you look at certain points you, you know, I love comedy, I love this show and I'll. I just keep doing that. But there's a certain point where you gotta look at other avenues, man. As you get older, as the world changes, you got to look at other avenues and you know.

[B]

Well, I don't know if you know this. Very soon people will find out. Jacob's going into very hardcore solo gay only fans.

[C]

Yeah, it's for a good cause.

[B]

It's for a great cause. Yeah.

[A]

So it's not.

[B]

It's.

[A]

He's not gay. But it's for the gays.

[B]

It's for the. Yeah, there's no women. I mean the women. You will get women because you're Jacob.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, I mean like they're going to be curiously. But as far as like the. Whoever's going to be completing to this is going to be men. Yeah, for sure.

[A]

And don't forget a lot of women will be watching because of the animals.

[C]

It's for a good cause.

[A]

Yeah, it's good for. He's saving buffalo's bats. You should get a bear, by the way too. I was thinking of that. You should get a bear. A rescued bear. Like a rescued little baby grizzly that grows old and becomes big and bites the top of your head, but not too hard. Always love seeing those videos.

[C]

Bear. Bear.

[A]

Yeah. We got a very special guest coming in. John.

[B]

It's not Bert. Bert's doing all the podcasts today except this one.

[A]

Stop it.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Are you. Are you kidding me? So can I call him right now?

[B]

Who? Bert.

[A]

And yell at him.

[B]

I think he's podcasting.

[A]

I'll call him during a fucking. I'm sorry, I'm. I don't want to swear. I'm going to call him right now and be. Why aren't you here?

[B]

Straighten this shit out.

[A]

I'm going to straighten it out right now.

[B]

Let me know if you need his number.

[A]

I. Wow, that'd be funny if it does. Excuse me after this.

[B]

Bobby, do I have a story for you.

[A]

Okay. Oh, I'm excited about your story. We gotta get right into that. After I yell at Bert, am I going to voicemail or is you answering?

[B]

Voicemail 100%.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's not going to dead the call, though. He did dead the call.

[A]

He deaded it.

[B]

He did dead it.

[A]

Deaded it. Say God bless me.

[B]

God bless you guys.

[A]

No, I want mine. I don't want the Jewish one. Gem is Jewish, Is it?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Sounds Jewish.

[B]

Sounds German.

[A]

Well, technically, just say technically on things

[B]

and people just go, oh, I wasn't gonna. But I will technically go, oh, if

[A]

you say technically at the end of it, people just like, oh, okay.

[B]

No argument.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right. I do have a story to tell you.

[A]

Dude, you. First of all, you caught.

[B]

You texted me, tried to call you.

[A]

You tried to call me. I didn't pick up because I was in the middle of crushing it in the gym.

[B]

Yeah, crushing.

[A]

First of all, I went last week. I went to Mike Calta's house down there in Sarasota, and I stayed with Mike for one night, and he comes down with me and does the shows. It's great. But my watch, I was working out so much and eating so correctly, my watch was literally. It was wiggling, turning around like it was my wrist. You know, I could always tell when I lose weight by my watch. By the end of the weekend, I could barely get my watch on. Hanging out with him, I can't. I can't move down there. And if I move down there, I have to move far. We can't be near each other because I will just be a tub of shit.

[B]

Don't you get sick, though?

[A]

I get sick, but it's the salty food. It's the bad food. We're just eating bad bread.

[B]

He got surgery, didn't he?

[A]

Yeah, he got the surgery.

[B]

He's winning.

[A]

He's looking. He's looking good.

[B]

He's not gonna let some surgery defeat him.

[A]

This weekend, we ate like.

[B]

Yeah, you went for it hard.

[A]

Chicken fingers, egg rolls, noodles, bread.

[C]

I told Bobby because he was telling me this. We spoke yesterday.

[B]

I look, Jacob.

[C]

Huh?

[B]

I look.

[A]

You look great.

[C]

You look

[A]

do look good.

[B]

And this is a 1x shirt. Is it? You asked me.

[A]

Hey, congratulations, dude. Seriously, everybody. Come on. Jacob Blues. That's amazing, dude. Let me tell you something. To go from a 4x to a 1x is.

[B]

I mean. No, I bought 4x before.

[A]

That was a joke. I'm sorry.

[B]

Oh, no, it was. But that was. But in the baggy times, you know what I mean? Like the late 90s. But I got a four. Four X's. Yeah. My step pop wore him, too, and he was skinny.

[A]

Yeah. Dude, you look great. I'm so. Doesn't it feel good to be able to go anywhere and buy something?

[B]

No, I still can't do that.

[A]

Xl.

[B]

No. This is Excel in the merch thing that I get. It's not.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's not indicative of full Excel. I was more just trying to make Jacob laugh by asking if anybody asked me that. No one did. Listen, Bobby, you're not gonna. I can't be knocked off my cloud today because I'm a. I'm a pretty good. I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

[A]

Can I just be honest with you?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Now that I'm. I'm kind of official.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, there's a lot of scrutiny that does go into the name that you're about the thing you're about to talk to. I just want you. I'm going to be looking at it through a different set of eyes.

[B]

I think we can give it to what it is, though. I. I informed you this weekend. I called you, and then I ended up texting you because you're like, I'm in a thing, but do you need me? You know, I'll call you right now. I go, no, no, don't worry about it, because I'm going to save it for the show.

[A]

But I only do that to three people, by the way.

[B]

I just wanted you to know.

[A]

I say, do you need me? Because if you need me, I'm there.

[B]

And I said, no. I just want you to know that you are now joined on the show. The bonfire is now a room with two heroes in it. Two heroes.

[A]

I'm excited to hear the story, and I want it. I want it more than anything to be true. But I'm looking through. I'm not a civilian anymore, so I have to look at it through a hero's eyes.

[B]

Yeah, I understand.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You're gonna think this is so heroic. I mean, this is beyond. It's been everything for me to not tell people. Did I tell. I may have told you. Yeah, yeah. I told you.

[A]

I'm excited.

[B]

She's been in awe since I told her. She's like, that's crazy. Like, wow. Giving Bobby run for his money on the hero of the war.

[A]

To you saving a little girl in the ocean.

[B]

Ethnic girl.

[A]

I didn't want to say it because Black Blue had the camera on me, so I didn't want to say it.

[B]

She's not as many points. No, no, no. This was so. Yeah, we. Me and Dylan Young. Dylan was with me in Raleigh this weekend. And on Saturday, we said, let's go to a little lunch somewhere. Walking distance to a lovely restaurant called Tupelo. Honey, it's a franchise. I love it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Great Southern food. We go in there, we ask right away. We're ordering some apps. What's the thing here? What's the. You have to get fried green tomatoes. Fried green tomatoes on goat cheese grits with, like, a pepper sauce underneath. Delightful.

[A]

You should have your own food influencer channel, by the way.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Just the way you explain, food is very sexy.

[B]

Thank you. And then I slid it into my mouth and then back out and then back in. And then I looked around the head, and then I blasted it all over my face. Papaya.

[A]

Hashtag sexypaya.

[B]

Hashtag sexypaya.

[A]

Are you standing?

[C]

What?

[A]

Because we're videoing.

[B]

No, I'll sit in a minute.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We. You know, I'm stoked about the story. This is, like, going to put me. You guys are gonna think I'm floating a little bit when I tell this. This is a lot.

[A]

Hey, I know how it feels.

[B]

This is a little beyond.

[A]

Talk to them, don't talk to me.

[B]

You had instincts.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You had instincts kick in, which is beautiful.

[A]

Right.

[B]

This was chosen heroics, what I did. I could have sat back idly and done nothing here.

[C]

Bobby, you've gotten to acclimate for a month now to be a hero.

[A]

I know. And this is his time, and I'm hoping that it is.

[C]

This is new for him.

[A]

I'm very excited.

[B]

So we eat. They give you an order of four slices of fried green tomatoes. Dylan took one, I took one. And I keep thinking this is my gurgling throat, but it's just staticky things. That's why I keep coughing. It sounds like I'm coughing by accident. It's on purpose. So a guy walks up when we have these two that we're not eating. Pieces of tomato left and looks like. Like a homeless guy almost. It seems like a little kind of out of it and comes over table. I mean, touches, like, thighs to the table and almost touches the tomatoes. Yeah. And he goes, what's that? And I was like. I was like, fried green tomatoes. And he goes, okay. And he starts to walk away. At which point I've. Me and Dylan both have figured, like, oh, fuck, do they let some, like. Like a homeless lunatic or something walking around here? That's pretty crazy. I look at the table across from us, which is these four women and one other and one guy Sitting there. And I look at them because they're looking over at me, My area, my direction. And I make the faces of, like, this. They're letting in, like, some weirdo lunatic walk around. I make this face at them. It's all conveyed with face. No words. But I give him like a.

[A]

It's like Christine's comedy.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. It's all face. Very facey. I go. I go, you know, making them. This guy. What's going on here? And then that guy proceeds to go sit down at that table. And then just upon a light second look, I realize he's retarded. Guy's mentally handicapped. Mentally challenged guy came over, and I was mistaking him for a bum. A fucking bum.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I felt horrible. Felt terrible. Couldn't catch eyes with that table of the women again. Even, like, smile to give, like. No, I understand now.

[A]

You couldn't catch eyes with the guy because his eyes were going different ways.

[B]

I don't know where the. His eyes were. Dude, that guy was all over the place.

[A]

Catch those. Those eyes are those guys.

[B]

I thought he was napping. He was reading.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

None of it made sense. So you have to grab their tongue

[A]

to get the attention.

[B]

Could you be nice? Sorry, I'm telling a story of heroics.

[A]

I apologize because you were so nice while I was telling my story. Go ahead.

[B]

Well, you did yell, turd in the water. Didn't happen to a black woman drowning in the ocean. Jacob, it's over. Turd in the punch bowl is not as funny as you make it. Jacob.

[A]

Jacob, let's get into your story.

[B]

Sorry, it's my heroic.

[A]

Jacob, settle down. Did you go over to the table and yell tard in the punch bowl?

[B]

No, no, no. That would have been good, though. That would have been funny, but not heroic. I'm devastated. I really feel terrible. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do at all. And then I finally catch eyes. Five minutes of I'm not eating. I'm not anything. I'm just sitting there going like, man, I feel like shit.

[A]

You finally catch.

[B]

I catch I with him and one of the couple other people over the table, and I go, guys, you know what? I go, I'm not. We're not eating any more of these tomatoes. If you want to try them before you order them to see if you like them at all. And he went, yeah. And then he took them and he ate them, and he went, they're really good.

[A]

It.

[C]

It's different than Bobby's.

[B]

Sure. Every hero story can't be the same.

[C]

Right.

[B]

That's why there's more than one Spider man movie.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know what to say. I'm just. You know what? I do know what to say. I do know what to say. I'm proud to know you, Jay Okerson.

[B]

I thought you were gonna say, welcome to the Heroes club.

[A]

And welcome.

[B]

And sure, I know what you're thinking. He already touched it with retarded fingers. I didn't want it anymore anyway.

[A]

But number two, to hand him to go over that table. How afraid you must have been.

[B]

I didn't go over.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

I. I yelled at them across the aisle, and I. I reached out and handed it to him like this. Pretty sure he was gonna drop it when I handed it to him. But then it wasn't my problem anymore.

[A]

So you hit. You just ducked the plate out and his tongue flipped over like a. Yeah,

[B]

I gave him my table garbage.

[A]

Table garbage. To you. Treasured tomatoes.

[B]

He loved them.

[A]

To a man who's never had a tomato.

[B]

Do you want to know what I really did, too, that I'm curious what you think? Because Dylan said. He's like, what are you doing? You got to get the kudos. When I left, I paid for the tables. Lunch. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All of them, but didn't get the kudos. I didn't, like, wait to, like, you know, had him tell that or anything.

[A]

Yeah, you didn't get his. His wrist applause.

[B]

Bobby.

[A]

What?

[B]

Come on, dude. I saved this kid's life.

[A]

It's great, man. Fantastic. Dude. I'm just saying. I live with six retarded men for three years.

[B]

Do you ever give me your leftovers?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So you know what I feel like?

[A]

Yeah, I gave him a couple hits in my puss.

[B]

Go in there and jerk off, Barry leftovers.

[A]

He's gonna come quick.

[B]

He goes, yeah. Hey, I came when you were blowing. Go. One of the tards.

[A]

Yeah. Watch out. He might try to put it in his butt because he didn't know the difference.

[B]

One of the goofballs finger you hard. Real hard.

[A]

Did he eat all the tomatoes?

[B]

He did.

[A]

He ate them all. How fast?

[B]

So fast. And he held it like. Like, you know, like mess hall, fork style, where you're like, you're shoveling it sort of. And he cut it like that. And it was on his face a little.

[A]

You made him happy.

[B]

I did make.

[A]

What his mom say?

[B]

I don't know if his mom was there. One was Chinese there. They were all over the place.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I don't know how many were Retarded or not retarded. So I paid for everybody.

[A]

I would bet most of them had down syndrome. And there was probably one counselor. There was probably a lunch date maybe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you know what? You judged them, and then you found out and you made amends.

[B]

And I judge. I thought they let a crazy person wander into this place. And can I say this? Good heroics for how I handled that, even thinking it was a crazy person. Because, hey, that's why I said maybe everybody at the table is sort of retarded a little bit. Because who lets him wander like that? Who lets him fucking bounce cock into my table and almost touch my fried green tomatoes? That's crazy behavior. And he's crazy. But they are supposed to be like, hey, get over here, fucking weirdo. I don't know his name. I don't think it was weirdo.

[A]

Dude, you made. You made the rest of his life, which is probably a few months.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

But you made it. You made the rest of his, which

[B]

is probably only a few months.

[C]

You're right.

[B]

I believe he has something where his brain's growing, but his head's not. I don't know how that ends. Sounds terrible.

[A]

It's amazing. This is amazing story. And I. I don't know why you're not getting more from these people in here.

[B]

They're not impressed.

[A]

They're not impressed.

[B]

You ever give a retard your leftovers?

[A]

Yeah. You ever give a retard your left? Yeah, sure. A homeless guy. Yeah. No, you probably wouldn't.

[B]

You probably wouldn't even.

[A]

Scary. It is, I admit it, you know, Scary. Walk up to a table with tomatoes and. Or hand tomatoes to a retarded man, and then he.

[C]

Yeah, he absolved his guilt.

[B]

DJ Lou Cash at it. You ever feed a retard that you weren't actively trying to just to do the right thing, huh?

[A]

No. But the guy bagging my groceries this weekend, I thought he was blind, but he was actually slow, and I gave him a 10 spot.

[B]

A 10 spot.

[A]

That's two tomatoes.

[B]

Oh, man. You know what's funny? Luckily, he couldn't count it either way. I know.

[A]

It took me a while to figure that out.

[B]

He's blind or slow, maybe.

[A]

Thought you gave him a dollar.

[B]

Either way. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, man, you made.

[B]

Someone's gonna go, how about you give me that stupid piece of paper for this shiny nickel?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You can't eat the dollar, but you can eat this nickel.

[A]

I'll trade you that. $10 for a half a slice of tomato.

[B]

Yeah. What if he ate Those tomatoes. And then just like something. He was allergic to them. And maybe something terrible has happened to him.

[A]

His tongue swelled up.

[B]

Even more possible.

[A]

And then he choked on his own tongue.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You might have killed him. You might be a hero killer.

[B]

There's an outside shot. I did murder him. Huh?

[A]

Yeah. That's amazing. Did he say thank you?

[B]

Yes, when I first gave it to him.

[C]

How.

[B]

And then he ate it. Huh?

[A]

How do you say thank you?

[B]

You want me to do it? Yeah. Do you really want me to do it?

[A]

How do you say thank you?

[B]

Cameras aren't on yet, right?

[A]

No, there's no cameras on.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Not that. Did he say thank you very much or did he.

[B]

I'm doing it how he did it.

[A]

Yeah, but don't you have to do the voice?

[B]

Don't do the voice.

[A]

No, don't.

[B]

Oh, you said thank you.

[A]

Okay. All right. Now do the voice.

[B]

Thank you. I said it with goat cheese grits on his lips.

[A]

He does.

[C]

He.

[A]

He did the voice. Like Christine's act.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Very sing songy.

[B]

Yeah. Christine's. Her act outs were top notch.

[A]

Top notch. Her handouts were. I mean, I've never seen a handout like that.

[B]

Her handouts?

[A]

Her handout. Just one hand.

[B]

She really should be working a puppet.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Jeff Dunham, ready? What do you think? Jalapeno on a stick? Should we get drunk and laid?

[A]

So what did the people at the table say? Good thing you didn't because you were about to make fun of it. Like to that table.

[B]

Energy was all there. They know I looked over at them. They know that I was like this guy. And in my mind for sure think that they were like, oh, wow, he's being so mean. Doesn't he know this guy's handicapped? And I didn't. I thought he was just crazy.

[A]

Right. Cuz you're around a lot of people, right?

[B]

I can't tell one from the next. Bob. You know that about me, right?

[A]

You can't.

[B]

I.

[A]

A lot of the shows you do are people.

[B]

Mostly people. But it's. Yeah, it felt heroic.

[A]

It was heroic. Dude, you. You could have just went, he's retarded and ate your tomatoes.

[B]

Really could have just taken it and left the laugh sitting in the idea that it's like I. I basically shoot a guy away and looked at his own handlers to be like this motherfucker. Huh? But I didn't. I felt because I am. And you can look this up. Christina proves everybody not just a hero. Lou. But I'm starting to find out that I'M an empath. I'm a total empath.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I feel your feelings.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it affects me.

[A]

Yeah, you're definitely an empath.

[B]

I feel your feelings right now. I can feel. I'm like, Jacob wishes he was somewhere else. That's why he's texting.

[A]

A person with the ability to perceive the mental and emotional state of another individual.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Even retarded people.

[B]

I could tell you.

[A]

DJ Lou, can I ask you a real question?

[B]

Is horny black Lou is thinking, damn ass white people. You're thinking,

[A]

I'm an empath too, Jay.

[B]

It's a weird combination of yum and what's that smell?

[A]

That's right.

[B]

That's what I'm getting from you.

[A]

Yeah. I was thinking about cum.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

Jacob, you can't get anything from that face.

[B]

No, I can't.

[A]

Here's my question, though. If you're going to be a real hero in this situation. The tomatoes that you gave him. This matters. Were you going to eat them or did you have the will to eat those tomatoes, stopped yourself from eating them to give them to him?

[B]

I'm worried. Is this. If I answer this, do I lose hero points? I could, couldn't I? Yeah, it's possible.

[A]

Well.

[B]

And should I lie?

[A]

Well, if you're going to just throw them out and then you gave them scraps.

[B]

I was going to throw them out. And also, I didn't like them at all. I thought they weren't delicious, so I couldn't wait to get them off of my table. I would have given them to any retail.

[A]

You hated them.

[B]

I did not enjoy them a bite or two. They're okay. You know, it's not that they don't taste good. It's just too much. Whatever it is. I don't like it that much. But, like, they. Yeah, when I gave it over to the table, and then really, as I'm doing, I'm going like, am I giving my table scraps like I'm making? And by the way, when I did it, I thought 180 degrees better. I was moping at the table. One point, I was like, yo, that table thinks I'm a fucking asshole. They think. They for sure think I knew he was retarded and looked at them like, handle your. Yeah, that's what they saw.

[A]

100%.

[B]

They didn't see that. I thought it was a crazy person. They look. I feel like I was looking at them going like, yo, get your doof away from my fried green tomatoes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I talked about it for five minutes straight and then I was like, I got to do something.

[A]

Yeah. And giving them.

[B]

Let me give my trash. Yeah.

[A]

Give me a table scraps. Not even good. Not even like a filet. Not even like, good stuff. Hey, give him the tomatoes.

[B]

Yeah. I want to go smash this bottle over his head. And purple nurples handler. I got to do something.

[A]

You know when they're retelling that story, this guy was a total dick. And then he walked over with tomatoes.

[B]

And then he thinks because he paid for our meal, all of a sudden he's right with God again. You're not right with God.

[A]

You paid for the meal. That was great. That was. That's what makes you. The tomato thing. Not so much.

[B]

I wanted him to know that I was actually. I answered his question when he asked, what are these? But I said it in like a fried green tomatoes. Is there a problem, dude? Energy, you know, I mean, like, is there something going on? And then he just walked away. And I was like, fucking jerk off.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, God. He's a retard. He's not a jerk off at all. He doesn't know how to be social.

[A]

Yeah. And he's never seen a tomato.

[B]

He would have hugged me if I hugged him after that. He's also never seen a tomato. He would have hugged me. I couldn't hug him though. I had a show that night. He may have killed me. I don't know if you know, they've got powers. They like lift car strong. That's crazy.

[A]

You see what happens when they eat tomatoes?

[B]

Fuels them the fuck up, dude. Shit gets crazy.

[A]

How much was the bill?

[B]

Oh, joy. Another day, another bus delayed. Look on the bright side. You can finally catch up on podcasts. You don't mind running late.

[A]

What's your deal? What's my deal?

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

I'm going to Metro.

[C]

When we hop off.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

Their bill, like a buck 50.

[A]

That's pretty good. Yeah, that's nice.

[B]

I looked at their order. I was a little. I thought it was actually a little bit low. When I got it, I was like, oh, they're gonna be like, thanks. I guess it was like 30 bucks. Like, okay, well, I guess we should have gotten more than a basket of bread and water.

[A]

Yeah, they got four grilled cheeses.

[B]

There's another. There's a comic again. Facebook people just air out. Something about Facebook is because it's unlimited, like, characters or something where you just, like, really air out your private business. And it's a comic asking. He's been doing comedy for, like, 30 plus years, for sure. Black circuit comic, though. Yeah, he's the one. I think I told you a while ago he aired out his thing where he put, like, his monthly budget up on the thing. He's like, what am I not getting here? And he just shows all the money he makes. He's like, I drive uber. I make $600 a month. This goes out here. This goes out here. What's not happening? He puts out a thing the other day of like, yo, am I wrong about this? How do I handle this? And it shows a bill that's got, like, two filet mignons, some sides, a Caesar salad, and something else. And he goes, my Caesar salad's $15. When the bill gets dropped, everyone at the table just goes, why don't we just split it up? Three ways. And it's like, no, man, I had Caesar's. It's just like a weird thing to be complaining about at like, you know, 55 years old.

[A]

Well, he only got the Caesar salad and he had a split.

[B]

He's just complaining that he had the. That they were saying to split the bill through. But he's not complaining. He just. It's not that he's complaining about the idea of that Anyone would can do that. I didn't really eat anything. Why would I pay for the thing? The problem is he keeps telling you in the story, it's like, and I don't got money like that. I don't got. It's just like, you know, again, it's not that there's not turning my nose up at like 80 some bucks or 90 bucks, whatever it was. It's just the idea of like, I don't know if this is a post worthy thing, man.

[A]

Why don't you call Keith and see what he. What's going on with him?

[B]

I don't know. I don't know. It's gonna just bum me out. Kevin Hart doesn't give you fucking Caesar salad money, dude. Oh, Kev's coming around my flaming yawn allowance. Kev's helicopter and in my new car. Oh, Keith.

[A]

Yeah. Facebook is. I think Facebook is for older people.

[B]

Right. But older people still act like no one's looking. I get. They air it out.

[A]

Yeah. And you can go a long time on Facebook.

[B]

I know you can.

[A]

You can just go and put a lot. You go live on Facebook and just go on.

[B]

Oh, dude, I put a bookmark in Sue Costello post to go take a shit. Like, when I'm done taking a shit, it lasts longer than my shit.

[A]

I got out of the algorithm.

[B]

What?

[A]

I'm out.

[B]

What?

[A]

I'm out.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I had to get out.

[B]

It's our thing.

[A]

I know it's our thing, but I was getting scared.

[B]

Joe Mataries and Sue Costello, our whole friendship's based on that.

[A]

Joe, Joe. Joe Matarise is in. I just watched something on Joe the other day.

[B]

Yeah, good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They give him the biz. Poor guy. They just give him the biz. There's no Positive Joe documentary. Poor guy.

[A]

But I can't lose. Like, I mean, Susika. I know it's got like evil leprechaun energy. I don't want to. I'm scared.

[B]

She's owed. She is owed.

[A]

She is.

[B]

And she's gonna take it out of all your Boston asses, but she.

[A]

Not us, not me.

[B]

No, you Were there.

[A]

I was not there.

[B]

You were there.

[A]

I was there for a small amount

[B]

of trying to inception her where I'm making her think you were there. Bobby was right there. Bobby was the one saying, hey, you're a really funny one. You're the funniest woman I've ever met. I'm gonna steal your idea. And then they looked me in the eye and they said they were gonna steal your id. And Colin Quinn said I was funny.

[A]

Hey, buttercup.

[B]

Hey.

[A]

Hey, Christine.

[B]

Why are you not bringing up her thing? You know, I want to get juiced up with a Sue Costello post.

[A]

Dude, I'm so scared. We're all scared, Jay.

[B]

Why? Let's have her on.

[A]

Jay. You have you money. We don't.

[B]

You think I you money?

[A]

No, not at all. But you do have a nice house.

[B]

I barely have fuck me money.

[A]

You have a nice house, huh? Not as nice as your house.

[B]

That's not true.

[A]

Your house is. Your house is perfect.

[B]

What?

[A]

Dude, your house is perfect. No, you just want me to say it again. I will.

[B]

No, I don't.

[A]

Your house is perfect.

[B]

That's not true.

[A]

I'll say it again if that. You keep saying this.

[B]

It's not what it is.

[A]

Your house is perfect.

[B]

I could tell you the imperfections.

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

There's some shoddy brickwork outside. Christine's there.

[A]

Christine.

[B]

That's the only two things?

[A]

Yeah, Christine and shoddy brickwork.

[B]

Yeah, a little bit of shoddy brickwork. And Christine's there.

[A]

You could always get like a she shed in the back. Put her in there.

[B]

She's from Usashi Oita, Japan.

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, it's where she's at right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Gotcha.

[A]

She's there fighting a new war with Japan.

[B]

Oh, see, now we were wondering how much can you.

[A]

I'm saving the girls from pornographic movies in Japan.

[B]

That's pink. That's not Sue Costello.

[A]

Yeah, but it looks like.

[B]

Hang on. Wait. This is it. These are my favorites. December 5th. So we're coming up around on the holidays.

[A]

I know we're doing this.

[B]

What?

[A]

But it's dangerous, what we're about to do. I'm just saying.

[B]

Talk about a strong woman fighting for herself.

[A]

You're saying Beetlejuice three times.

[B]

No, no, no. Caselo. Don't say it. You gotta do the thing. You throw the fucking metal over. What do you mean? What do you. What's the problem here? Here's what she says. December 5th. Rounding up the holidays, coming off Thanksgiving, which I'm sure she had a great one with her family.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely. Hopefully.

[B]

They beat me. They stole my career for eight years and before they badmouthed me. So what? I'm still a rock star. And then she has the video from Pink. That's lighthearted.

[A]

I'm a rock star. Rock star, rock star, rockstar. How did you spell it?

[B]

I said it off Philly. Sta, S, T, A, H, HH all caps.

[A]

Yeah, she spells in Boston accent, which is hard to do.

[B]

Okay, now look, here's the next one. Morning, sugar muffins. And let's see. It's a click. To what? A YouTube video. It's probably just something good.

[A]

Yeah. Oh God. Just a song.

[B]

Randy Travis. Is she from Boston?

[A]

Randy Travis. Didn't he take a tomato off you this weekend,

[B]

Randy? Trey. Nice sweater. Fucking dungaree shirt combo. Get off this bullshit. Why would she make me watch this?

[A]

She likes the song.

[B]

I'd rather hear a rant. Oh, I forgot, she's. Come on, she's doing a play.

[A]

Yeah, she's doing a one woman show.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

What? It's a play.

[B]

Full play.

[A]

Oh, with. Not hers. Hers or somebody else's?

[B]

Hers.

[A]

Okay, what's it called?

[B]

Let's see. She just fixed the end of her play. I've always been ballsy. But just wait till you. Wait till you, I guess, see what a gangster I am now. My whole body has goosebumps. It's called chicken skin. Like the night after week of Jim Burroughs directing me down because Penelope Ann Miller was horrible only to have Les Moonves scream in front of a live audience. Where the fuck is Costello's personality? I locked in, went out, killed it, got Costello from that tape. That's all one sentence. I swear to God. That's one sentence.

[A]

That's wild.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We were all out of breath when you were.

[B]

From my whole body as goosebumps. That was all one sentence.

[C]

What did Penelope Ann Miller do here? I kept trying to.

[B]

I just heard the word. It sounded like she just typed Penelope Ann Miller chairs plates. Is this a shopping list? Or when Candice Bergen tried to sabotage me from the second I showed up.

[A]

That's true. She did. She did.

[B]

I went in my dressing room, pulled in on myself and killed it. In front of the network or in front of the. Or at. In front of the press in Pasadena. They told me the press hated me. And I peeked out and it was packed and I turned the whole room around. I'm locked in harder than all those times put together on the play. So you can imagine, Jacob. It's gonna be some play. We gotta Go roll down. Is it in production? Does she have a drinking problem? No, no.

[A]

She said that. Why would you say that?

[B]

Why'd you say that? Some people are afraid of the truth. Some people are afraid of the truth.

[A]

Afraid of the truth. You had a truth once and you gave it up.

[B]

Oh, here she goes. Now here's a little more lighthearted stuff. My father was right. I'm a real hard maca. I'm hard to Mac the same way a diamond is hard to Mac. Everybody tries to scratch their name into me and I'm the diamond, just laughing and stay flawless. I don't know. God bless her for finding the perseverance to strength to push through in life. Because every day she wants you to know that everyone is beating her down and she climbs through it and rises above. But every day she has to do that.

[A]

She's a diamond.

[B]

You can't mark her. No, it's hard to Mac.

[A]

It's hard to mark.

[B]

It's hard to mark her even when you attack.

[A]

It's hard to mark.

[B]

Yeah, you can't mark her because she's like a diamond. You can't mark her.

[A]

Are you saying mark or mark?

[B]

It's hard to mark her.

[A]

Mock or mark.

[B]

It's easy to mark her. It's hard to mark her. She's hard to mark.

[A]

It's hard.

[B]

I know you're thinking like you're mocking her right now by saying she's had to mark. But it's not the same mock. It's different Mac.

[A]

It's a different. But it's probably both. It's hard to mock her and mock

[B]

her like a diamond.

[A]

It's hard to hard to Mac. Even if you use the marker to mark her a maca.

[B]

You can mack a diamond with a maca, by the way.

[A]

You can mock a diamond with a maca, but it has to be one of those shopping macas.

[B]

Chappie macca.

[A]

A shabby maca.

[B]

So I'm had the maca. Unless you're a shabby macca. Are you macking me? By the way, just the day before they tried to ruin my career. My career is getting bigger. Silly rabbits.

[A]

I mean, she's early.

[B]

Earlier that day. I'm living proof that the OG cannot be bought, bribed, dimmed or broken. Same day again. Scroll up. CBS spent millions on lawyers, PR crisis, fake investigations, arbitration traps, eight years of blacklisting to turn me into the dumb whore who didn't send her script so nobody would ever look at the fact that they stole it, committed fraud with my IP and fucked shareholders and then tried to bury me alive with the New York Actors Guild.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

New York Actors Guild, sdny, wga, eeoc, nlrb. Get ready for the resurrection. It's awesome.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Have you gotten this? Huh? All the same day.

[A]

That's the same day. That's all the same day. Well, she has a lot in her.

[B]

Yeah, well, it's a lot. She's. I mean, everyone, but. I mean, like, I feel like she gets into bed and right away whoever's sitting next to her tries to, like, yank her down on the ground and tell her she ain't going nowhere, and she has to, like, fight that person to get free. It's like a zombie apocalypse. Every day in her life, she has to break free of people who are just trying to slow and hurt her. And maca. But you can't hide the Macca.

[A]

Unless you get a chappie.

[B]

You should get a chappie.

[A]

You got shabby. You can mark it.

[B]

You can mock out there with a. Mock a shoppie.

[A]

Yeah, I can see it on my cop car coming from a mile away.

[B]

Let's get Jacob and her to fall in love. Jacob, you hate this in your life.

[A]

Jacob. A strong woman this girl keeps that can't be mocked.

[C]

For the ranch.

[B]

For the ranch. Can't mack on the ranch. She's like a diamond.

[C]

It's a partnership.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, you can't run a ranch alone.

[A]

Are you going in the room to jerk your meat off again, kid?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. Make that money. Buy me some diamonds.

[B]

She's pale. She's real pale.

[A]

Jacob's pale.

[B]

I like pale Jacob.

[A]

Look at Jacob. I didn't know he was wearing a white T shirt.

[B]

Look at him. Sue, come on. The show one. We want to help you with this thing because I don't like that every day you're just getting the shit beat out of you by people. Seems like a terrible way to live. Yeah.

[A]

Should have her on.

[B]

We should absolutely have her on. And then we're going to set you up with Jacob.

[A]

These cameras aren't rolling right?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. Have her on.

[B]

No, no, no. We should have her on.

[A]

You should. We should have her on.

[B]

And we'll set her up on a date with Jacob. I don't understand the face you're making, but. I'm not making faces.

[A]

I'm not making a face.

[B]

Camera's not even on. What's this face about?

[A]

First of all, Christine is a face expert, not me.

[B]

Christine, you're making faces over there. Hands and face by Sue Costello. I Think we should have her on. We should have Jacob and her fall in love. Okay, Jacob, you looking at her? Is that what you said? You bring up a picture of every piece of shit.

[C]

I don't know what she looks like, to be honest.

[A]

She's a pretty woman. She got like platinum blonde hair. She's petite, but strong.

[B]

She's small, but do not take that for not strong.

[A]

She's your height.

[B]

Yeah. She's tough.

[A]

Very pretty.

[B]

She shines bright like a diamond.

[A]

But she's pretty on the inside too, Hadamak.

[B]

Like a diamond.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There you go, Jacob. Look at her go. She has boots. You like boots on a girl?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

She's a vagina. She's a pussy between her legs.

[A]

It would be interesting to see because you hear about all the stuff that went on, but you really don't know the details. Details of it.

[B]

Of what?

[A]

Of what really happened with her.

[B]

With the cbs?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sitcom.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You've never heard it?

[A]

No.

[B]

You're kidding, right? He goes, you know the thing about this thing. You never really hear about this CBS case unless you look at her Facebook every single day where she informs you. Les Moonves tried to fak her and the thing. But she had the fak hatter because she had the facts.

[A]

And then she became stronger than anything and nothing can mark her.

[B]

Oh, Jacob. Is that the guy you have to kill for? Is that it? No, that's a. That's an actor.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That looks like it's at my house.

[B]

Maybe it's not the actor. Is that an actor?

[C]

Family.

[B]

That's family.

[C]

Merry Christmas from our family to yours.

[B]

Yeah, but that could just be her. That looks like her and her boyfriend.

[A]

Yeah, she probably. That's her boyfriend. I think she moved back to Boston too, right?

[B]

Shut the fuck up.

[A]

I swear to God.

[B]

Now you fucking cock sucking. No way. She fucking.

[A]

I swear to God, I'd never fucking lie to you. Oh, there. Yeah, there you go. Oh, she looks happy.

[B]

Well, that's AI.

[A]

Oh, okay. You have to use the AI to make her happy. But listen, she looks. All right. Have her on. Let's have her on.

[B]

Are these cameras on?

[A]

No.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

No, the cameras are not on. Are they on? Yes, the cameras are rolling.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No way. That's true.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Do I have my dick out of the whole show? Why would you not tell me that you see me half beating offs? Because, you know, I'm trying to stay semi hard for our guests.

[A]

We have a great guest coming.

[B]

You know, I hate on Tuesdays when we have guests because I'm wearing sweatpants and they're expecting to see my floppers banging around down there. You know what I mean? I talk all that. Everyone's expecting my flopper. Great. And now the camera's been on the whole time showing that I'm pregaming it.

[A]

Nuts. Gave away your secrets. It's all right, Jay. We can just edit that out.

[B]

This place sucks. It's live. Is this live?

[A]

Is it rolling live?

[C]

I believe so.

[A]

Oh, my God. Can you tell us that?

[B]

Well, the cameras aren't rolling live. There's no such thing as that. I mean, unless you're on the news. But they're rolling.

[A]

We should definitely have her in.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What's that face for?

[A]

There's a Zen. I got the Zen.

[B]

Oh, I think we should definitely have her in.

[A]

Yeah. What are you making faces?

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

I don't. I'm just.

[B]

That's the face of excitement. That was me pensively wondering if you're gonna say it's okay. Cause, you know, I want her on.

[A]

It's okay.

[B]

I do want her on. I think it'd be great. I want to make Jacob and her fall in love.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

We're gonna get rid of this boyfriend.

[A]

Get rid of the boyfriend.

[B]

The boyfriend, I bet, doesn't take her raging against CBS and their conglomerates every day as seriously as I think you would, Jacob. I think you'd be right outside of Paramount watching.

[C]

I feel like fuck you.

[B]

Except for Landman.

[C]

At this stage in my life, I just kind of want low key. What a chill person.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

That's not what you need.

[B]

You've had that your whole life, dog. You've had your whole life to chill.

[A]

Yeah. It's time to jerk off. Save the buff.

[B]

You think that.

[A]

Have a strong woman in your life.

[B]

Let's see. Let's Sue Custelle be a problem for you on a ranch, dude, I hope that we need.

[A]

We're gonna recreate Landman on your ranch.

[B]

Yeah, dude. Every day. All right. We'll do a new theme for dinner tonight. The theme is order in. What about a goddamn Betty Crocker, yo? Dude, you could fall in love with her. I do see it happening.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's only 2 inches taller than you.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, is she?

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. She's five, three

[B]

and a half. Yeah, sue was cute. I haven't seen her in a long time. In person, she's very cute.

[A]

Last time I saw her was on Norton Chip's podcast. Yeah, she was going on Chip's podcast a lot really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Back in the day he would have her on Chip's podcast.

[B]

Oh, he didn't her.

[A]

No, no. It has a lot of chicks.

[B]

No, I don't mean her. I mean he didn't like her over. She seems very over by the industry.

[A]

I think she was got over by the. The industry. But comics have never her over. I don't think. No, no, no.

[B]

I'm not even sure if CBS did.

[A]

Well, it's interesting to find out, you know, what really happened. We know that.

[B]

Well, I've only heard one side of it, but I've heard all of that side. I've heard that side from every side. You can hear that side from.

[A]

Well, if they did steal her script, that's pretty wild.

[B]

Happy Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for that day. They tried to fucking put me in the mud, but I came out and washed myself off like an oil covered duck from the ocean. And I'm back, baby. Hotter than ever. Come see my play. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Is that what this is?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm here. I'm not going anywhere.

[B]

I'm had the mark now. Hide the mark now. I am hard to mock while you're mocking me.

[A]

If you're mocking me, it won't stick. Cause I'm hard to mock. Hamburgers are great.

[B]

How to Mac? I say we have her on regular third mic. Wait a minute now, sight unseen for a position.

[A]

Wait a minute.

[B]

I want to have a full time position right out of the gates. I want her to feel welcome. This business has kicked her in the muff, dude. They have knocked her all around this place, all the way up to Les Moonves or I don't know. I can't tell. Les Moonves may have been her hero or the worst person ever. I don't. I can't really pay attention to the. I just read them now for context.

[C]

Who?

[A]

Les Moonves was the head of cbs. Head of cbs. And did he do something? Just steal her script or was he.

[B]

I think they made the show and it went a few episodes and no one liked it, so they got rid of it. But she isn't willing to accept that as a possible reality. She goes like, no corporate espionage. Well, somebody came in, stole my good scripts and made a different sitcom with it called Cheese.

[A]

I did hear through back channels that the show that she had.

[B]

This means somebody yelled at your.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Your back channels. Yeah.

[A]

No, I was getting in the ass when they're whispering in my ear. That's back channels. That's back channels

[B]

over by Sollywood What? I'm feeling you. I'm feeling you.

[A]

No, no, don't come at me. Don't come at me.

[B]

I'm feeling you.

[A]

I said don't come.

[B]

I'm completely full.

[A]

You know how hard that is to get out anyway?

[B]

Sukastal got over by West Moonves.

[A]

I don't have to. You jizz up like a drug. Yeah. Disgusting.

[C]

Not all men are bad. That's the message.

[A]

Oh, I thought that was your message on your only fans.

[B]

Not all men are bad. But this man's naughty.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That's your tagline. That's your log line.

[A]

We're working this out.

[B]

Not all men are bad. But this one's. But this one's naughty.

[A]

Yeah. And then a bat flies down.

[B]

That's a shirt.

[A]

Yeah, you have a bat over your junk. Feeding it a banana. Oh, shit, that's me.

[B]

Sorry, dude, I forgot to tell you.

[A]

Yeah, buddy.

[B]

Have you ever. I've never gotten. Sue. I know it wasn't. I've never gotten.

[A]

I'm scared.

[B]

I've never gotten. I want her on the show.

[A]

I know. I do too.

[B]

I've never gotten. I've never gotten a pat down other than my arms at tsa. I went to TSA yesterday morning, and when I got. I went through. They were like, oh, you got the random screening for the big machine where you put your arms up, like. Sure, I've done that a zillion times. I do that picture. I come out and this black dude, dreadlocks young, goes, look at the screen, man. These are the places you hit. There was a weird way to put it. And it's my wrists. Sure. I have, like, bracelets and shit on. And then for some reason inexplicable to this day, two red squares over my dick and balls area. I don't. Couldn't guess why that was. And then the guy goes, cancer. He goes, I gotta. He goes, I have to pat you down. And I was like, okay. And he goes, do you want to go in private? Huh?

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

That was weirder.

[A]

Why? Just. Yeah, I want. That's what I want.

[B]

I didn't want that. I wanted to get to my gate.

[A]

Yeah, you do.

[B]

And then he goes, okay, turn around. And then he. I think he masturbated me. I think I. I think I have, like. I could bring up charges.

[A]

Nah, I just take it and feel it. Just look at it.

[B]

I just took it and feel. I mean, I forgot about it until this moment. So I guess didn't. Wasn't that traumatizing. I already came to it. So.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Out of sight, out of mind, you know? I mean, yeah, but the guy, I didn't realize how deep they got to go. And I'll tell you, he wanted to go to a private area.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because this young, cool black dude doesn't want. That's going to be the laugh all the time. Like, yo, because I was going to tell you we should go to lunch, but I saw you over there whacking off that fat white boy. And they all laugh at him.

[A]

Like, damn, dude, if I was a gay, young black man at TSA and I saw you walking through with sweatpants,

[B]

this wasn't a gay guy.

[A]

How do you know?

[B]

He was not excited about doing it. But I'll tell you what, he still did his job thoroughly.

[A]

Maybe he was playing hard to get.

[B]

Maybe.

[A]

Maybe it's just playing hard to get. Like, I don't want to do this, man. They grabbed your shit?

[B]

Yeah. He didn't stop me. He didn't stop me when. When he was grabbing my dick, he didn't stop me. I took his dreads and I put them behind his ear gently. He didn't stop me from doing that.

[A]

Like, headphones.

[B]

Yes. I don't know. I was like, hey. Hey, champ. What are you doing down there? Seeing what's going on.

[A]

Did you. Did you bounce a little bit?

[B]

No, but I was like, I know. It is. It is crazy, though, Even a guy getting ready to do that. In my mind, I still think, I wish I was harder or I wish my dick was, like, flopping around bigger so he could, like, really get a grip on it. He's not gonna touch my dick. And that's gonna make him go, I wonder where that guy's dick was. He was afraid of you. And inside, and it was cold.

[A]

He just grabs your dick like Eddie Murphy. What is this?

[B]

What is this?

[A]

What is this?

[B]

You remember the best? That's the classic body cam video of all time. Cop frisking the black dude. What is it right here? What is this right here? He goes. My penis. He goes, and that's your penis? And he's like, jacking a guy off over this thing. So funny. Do you remember that? It's like a tank top. Oh, Christine, bring up cop grabs suspect's

[A]

penis in defense of the cop. It did look like a kilo of cocaine.

[B]

Well, it was more that his pants were, like, well below his ass and his whole dick part of his underwear is like, you know, it's like under a tank top, but, like, his shorts are way loose. So it's like it just. I can see how this would happen.

[A]

There's an optical loop.

[B]

It is just funny that when grabbing it, you don't realize that you're squeezing a dick. Seems strange.

[A]

You do when you feel that texture.

[B]

Yeah. You know, for sure, you squeeze it

[A]

a little mushy, but hard.

[B]

You get that smell.

[A]

You're just sad that the menthol TSA cop didn't feel it on you. Yo, you got M M's down there, man.

[B]

Used to listen to song on the weekends and wish you were in love with somebody.

[A]

That's not. That's not it.

[B]

That's not it, is it? I think I've got, like, a tank top on. Yeah. And that's my. And that's your penis. What a great line. That's my penis, sir. And that's your penis. Sarasota weekend. You just eat crappy foods. Do you see any girls in bikinis?

[A]

No.

[B]

That one wearing booty shorts?

[A]

We went to a rock club called the Gator, and there's so many, like, a lot of drunk people, a lot of, you know, a lot of chicks who went. It's like a nightclub upstairs in a live rock venue downstairs. It's kind of a cool club to go to.

[B]

Who? I went.

[A]

Me, Mike. Pete. Mike's friend. My friend Pete. And then a bunch of women from the show. I should say women went to this club. Yeah. Not girls. Women.

[B]

Ladies.

[A]

Ladies.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's so. I was.

[B]

I was talking about a couple old crows. Well, it's like, keep making them worse.

[A]

The Pat. I'm pasta. Like, they were very complimentary of me. They were like, you know, they were kind of, you're so good looking. You're so cute. And I was like, ah. You know, I was standing by the door and a bunch of hot chicks were coming in. I was standing. There's these stairs that go up to the nightclub. I was standing there watching the live band, and these hot chicks came in, and the first chick gave me her license.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

I'm a bouncer. Face like, this stinks. And the girls that would hit me on me.

[B]

It's better than thinking, like, you're there to pick up your daughter or something.

[A]

Yeah. But it just. I was like, now just go. And the girls that were hitting on me were my age. And it's like, look, dude, I'm not cheating on my wife with my wife. You know what I mean?

[B]

Snoozer.

[A]

Yeah, I don't deal with your cancer, freckles. I mean, I like Them on my.

[B]

Cheat on your wife with somebody else's wife.

[C]

I wish I was telling you I had asked Bobby because he said earlier in the show that he overate. And he posted this clip of him. I guess it wasn't Mike. It was some other guy. He said, what'd you eat? He goes, oh, man, I overate. And he lists. Like, I had chocolate cake, apple pie, cheesecake. He listed every dessert you could possibly come up with.

[A]

Bread Bandits is like an insane bakery down there. But they're fans of the bonfire. They're fans of skanks. And why, kid? They just love us. And it's these two dudes. They. They literally. They brought a yeast in illegally from Canada. It's like 100 140-year-old yeast from his great grandfather that they smuggled into the country to start this bakery. They have to keep it alive. Someone has to be with this yeast 24 hours a day, every day. If they go on vacation, someone has to stay with the yeast. And the bread is just amazing.

[B]

Having a dog and a baby.

[A]

So we went there also, Costello. We went there. We went there and they just. We just got a ton of fucking fattening food. But I've never heard. It was crazy, a list like that

[C]

out of one person.

[A]

Yeah, we're. We're a budget. When I get around Mike, I turn into a tub of shit. I just. We just. It's just. All bets are off. I mean, thank God I can't eat a lot, but I know why. You know I'm fat.

[B]

But you want to jack off me and Bobby real quick.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. We can't. We're producers of the show. We can't be.

[B]

Buddy, I don't know if we have to perform.

[A]

Yeah, we have to do.

[B]

We can take a break if you want. You could jack us off then.

[A]

You aren't trying to practice for your show?

[B]

Is that what you're trying to do?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Hey, everybody. What is this? Why do you have these plugs up?

[A]

We got a guest coming in. But Jay's gonna be tonight. He's going to be at the Madison Square Garden with Shane Gillis.

[B]

Nope.

[A]

Tomorrow night?

[B]

Nope. The Thursday night.

[A]

Thursday night.

[B]

I said it on the pre record.

[A]

Tonight you're gonna be thinking about it, right? Tomorrow night you're gonna be, like, getting geared up for it.

[B]

But I only said it and on the Thursday show because it's too late for people to be surprised.

[A]

Thursday night.

[B]

This ruins the surprise.

[A]

Ruins everything. I just ruined the show. Are they really going to be surprised? Oh, my God. Anyways, Big J is going to be at the Chicago Improv in Schaumburg this weekend. After that, he's gonna be in West Nyack, N.Y. dania Beach, FL at the Improv, Fort Worth, TX. Nashville. For tickets and other tour dates, go to bigjaycomedy.com and don't forget on his YouTube page, YouTube.com bigjokers greatest yapir live

[B]

Tour Bobby Kelly is going to be a laugh it up in Poughkeepsie this weekend. Friday and Saturday after that. The Comedy Works south in Colorado Columbus, Ohio Batavia Batavia, Illinois for tickets and all of his tour dates, go to Punchup Live. Robert Kelly. Check out his YouTube page, YouTube.com Obert Kelly comedy and of course, every Tuesday night, 7pm at the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge at the Comedy Cellar. You can catch him and you should. He's the best.

[A]

We're gonna be right back with a very special guest, so stay tuned.

[B]

Meow. We heard you. Nine years of bring back the snack wrap and you've won. But maybe you should have asked for more. Say hello to the Hot Honey snack wrap. Now you've really won. Go to McDonald's and get it while you can. At Strayer University, we help students like you go from Will I To why not? For over 130 years, we've been innovating higher education to make it more affordable, accessible and attainable so you can reach your goals. Go from thinking Can I? To Yes, I can? And keep striving. Visit Strayer. Edu to learn more. Strayer University University is certified to operate in Virginia by Chevinus many campuses, including at 2121 15th Street north in Arlington, Virginia.