Zombie Paintball

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly
Episode: Zombie Paintball
Release Date: April 15, 2025

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Introduction and Initial Banter (01:04 - 02:33)

The episode kicks off with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly greeting listeners from the SiriusXM studios in Nashville. Robert kicks off with a playful shout-out to friends and listeners, highlighting the camaraderie that defines the show.

Notable Quote:

• Bobby Kelly [01:16]: "That's Wade by White lion going out to Laura Bargazzi sitting home. I know you're out there."

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Lainey Wilson and Body Image Humor (02:33 - 21:53)

A significant portion of the episode revolves around humorous and candid discussions about Lainey Wilson, a country singer. Jay and Bobby engage in a back-and-forth banter about her weight loss journey, using exaggerated and comedic language to poke fun at her transformation. They joke about her appearance, referencing her roles in shows like "Yellowstone," and delve into absurd scenarios involving AI-generated images and imaginary situations.

Notable Quotes:

• Big Jay Oakerson [04:03]: "She's got a fat dumper."
• Bobby Kelly [07:03]: "Now she's hot."
• Bobby Kelly [17:18]: "Their pussies have collapsed under the weight like the Titanic submersible."

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Technical Jokes and Podcast Setup (02:33 - 10:37)

The hosts humorously critique their own podcast equipment, particularly focusing on Jacob's microphone. They pretend to troubleshoot technical issues, leading to exaggerated complaints about poor audio quality. This segment showcases their chemistry and ability to turn mundane topics into comedic gold.

Notable Quotes:

• Big Jay Oakerson [02:33]: "Your headphones suck cock."
• Bobby Kelly [06:17]: "Look, I'm moving my microphone too. And there's. Holy. It's a dream."

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Dane Cook Wink Incident (26:00 - 41:14)

A humorous recounting of an encounter with comedian Dane Cook unfolds. Bobby narrates an awkward situation where Dane Cook winks at him, leading to exaggerated anger and confusion. The story highlights themes of miscommunication and the surreal nature of celebrity interactions.

Notable Quotes:

• Big Jay Oakerson [26:00]: "My first time ever coming to Nashville was coming to Zany's..."
• Bobby Kelly [27:02]: "He went down. What is that microphone?"

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Zombie Paintball Adventure (47:24 - 64:55)

The core of the episode centers around a disastrous zombie-themed paintball event. Big Jay Oakerson shares a vivid, comedic narrative of his experience leading a group, including his son Max, through a paintball game designed to simulate a zombie apocalypse. The story is filled with exaggerated descriptions of injuries, missteps, and chaos, emphasizing Jay's lack of preparedness and the absurdity of the situation.

Key Highlights:

• Preparation Struggles: Jay describes the difficulty in finding properly fitting gear, leading to hilarious wardrobe malfunctions.
• Chaos on the Field: As the game intensifies, Jay faces unexpected challenges, including being hit by paintballs and losing track of team members.
• Emotional Breakdown: The narrative reaches a peak as Jay talks about feeling inadequate and wishing for a more realistic battle where his injuries would necessitate medical evacuation.
• Family Dynamics: The episode touches on the strained relationship between Jay and his wife Dawn, humorously suggesting that she purposely set up the game to cause mayhem.

Notable Quotes:

• Big Jay Oakerson [50:46]: "So I. The. Finally the guy's like, dude, how much of the tubes? And I was like, you're right. Let's just leave."
• Bobby Kelly [53:32]: "I've never fat look. Always carrying around a big, fat body."
• Big Jay Oakerson [55:09]: "Dude, I had something happen to me this weekend, and I, I, I. It really me up."

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Interpersonal Dynamics and Personal Reflections (41:14 - 47:24)

Post-paintball, the hosts delve into reflections on masculinity and personal inadequacies. Jay expresses vulnerability, questioning his role and effectiveness as a father and husband. Bobby responds with a mix of support and playful teasing, reinforcing their deep-seated friendship despite the mock-serious tones.

Notable Quotes:

• Big Jay Oakerson [48:19]: "Buddy, you ever get in a fight and you lose and you're like, wow, I thought I was gonna win."
• Bobby Kelly [48:56]: "Yes."

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Concluding Remarks and Upcoming Events (64:55 - End)

The episode wraps up with announcements about upcoming shows and specials. Both hosts promote their individual performances in Nashville and Austin, encouraging listeners to attend and support their endeavors. The closing segments maintain the show's characteristic humor and camaraderie, leaving listeners with a sense of anticipation for future episodes.

Notable Quotes:

• Bobby Kelly [65:07]: "We're going to be right back, everybody. We're kicking it hard. Nashville."
• Big Jay Oakerson [65:37]: "That would have been a great free. We'll be right back. It's the bonfire."

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Conclusion

"Zombie Paintball" is a quintessential episode of The Bonfire, blending sharp wit, personal anecdotes, and comedic storytelling. Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly excel in creating an engaging and entertaining narrative that resonates with listeners, whether they're tuning in for the first time or long-time fans. The episode's blend of humor, vulnerability, and lively banter exemplifies the show's appeal, making it a standout installment in the series.

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Additional Notes:

• Ad Content Skipped: Advertisements for Lowe's, Vitamin Water, BetterHelp, Metro, Dove Men+, and Babbel were excluded from the summary as per instructions.
• Transcript Context: The dynamic between the hosts and their guest, Christine, adds layers to the humor, showcasing their ability to improvise and maintain rapport.
• Engagement with Audience: While not explicitly detailed in the transcript, the hosts often encourage listener interaction, which is subtly woven into their conversations.

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Recommendation for New Listeners:

For those new to The Bonfire, this episode offers a perfect introduction to the hosts' comedic styles and the show's informal, friendly atmosphere. Expect sharp humor, relatable stories, and an entertaining blend of personal and observational comedy.

Transcript

[Bobby Kelly]

Lowes knows that your business is built on speed and trust. That's why the Lowes pro desk is here to get you what you need, the moment you need it. We'll help you plan your project, calculate your materials and pivot when your job takes an unexpected turn. And with our pro only checkout and dedicated pro parking, you have what you need to tackle your job and be back on the job in no time. Just visit us at the pro desk. Lowe's knows pros. We help you save. Vitamin Water was born in New York because New Yorkers wanted more like more flavor to go with all the flavor. A refreshing drink after climbing six flights of stairs to a walk up apartment or standing in the subway station in 100 degree heat.

[Christine]

Focus.

[Bobby Kelly]

When I have an 8 hour shift and triple X after I was out all night at a club called xxx, drink Vitamin Water. It's from New York.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And now the bonfire with Big J Okerson and Robert Kelly live from the SiriusXM studios in Nashville.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's Wade by White lion going out to Laura Bargazzi sitting home. I know you're out there. Lonely girl, single mother, working things out. Or queen to the Nashville royalty, Nate.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bargazzi and Laura Bargazzi, queen to the comedy throne of Nashville.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh my God.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How many, how many Nates did we see on the way over here?

[Bobby Kelly]

So many Nates. Oh yeah, this place. Yeah, that's what happens if you live in Nashville long enough. It's a sleepy enough town that eventually you develop Nate face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nate face.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just a trim beard as it goes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Gray beard. Trim. Nice. Neat.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nice, neat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, nice neat haircut.

[Bobby Kelly]

Little gray, a little bit of gray looks and just well put together.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tight.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well put together though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Some tight pants.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Tight shirt. Good looking.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tight. But it's like tailored almost.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, Almost. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Way.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What? Tight way maybe. Tight.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's so funny that Nate doesn't give a shit about music at all. And Lara's into like hardcore hair metal generation shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So weird.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wait, it's a good tune though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's wrong, Bob?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Those headphones sucked.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, suck on that. Nashville studios.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ah, no, these headphones are fantastic.

[Bobby Kelly]

Your headphones Bite cock. Oh, your headphones.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

These are the Sony ones. These ones are the, you know, the, the. Yeah, I just, I got a podcast equipment. I'm starting a podcast with my dad about history.

[Bobby Kelly]

Anyways, I think he told me a real thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, these are great headphones. What's up, buddy?

[Bobby Kelly]

What's up? We are in Nashville. Me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We should do accents the whole time. Oh yeah, dude. I'll be Bucky. I'll be Bucky.

[Bobby Kelly]

Let's all get busy like that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's get it like that, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know voices.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How you doing?

[Bobby Kelly]

We'll be such sluts tonight. Let's just get shorts, cowboy boots and go be sluts tonight. Dude. But we'll wear. We'll have accents that aren't real. I'm Becky sue and this is Sue Becky. Which one do you want to be? I want Sue Becky's heavier.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll be Sue Becky. Oh, I like the B.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sue Becky.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Where's your accent, though? What you gonna talk like Sue Becky? I like it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know I'm talking right here, girl.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You look like a nasty southern girl because you got your hair all spiked up with red knit and tattoos up your arm.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm a little stinker. I don't give a shit. I love nut. I love men's nut.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You turned your back on God when you were a young girl.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's right. I got a fucking finger tattoo and I look nuts. We got an Airbnb. That is lovely. The owner of the Airbnb is super stoked on Lainey Wilson, though. There's murals over all over the apartment.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Lainey Wilson, if you don't know, is the fat, skinny, pear shaped very attractive.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Country singer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

But she is a tiny up top. It looks like she's standing on a horse body. Like a centaur of sorts.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Isn't it weird how weight, when you eat, it just goes. It doesn't go evenly. Some people. Yeah, some. Some people just goes right to you. Tukish.

[Bobby Kelly]

It went right to her. Tukish. She got a fat ass, but it's great. But the owner of this Airbnb is super stoked on her. Her records are everywhere. Murals on the wall, lined with guitars. Now we are in an apartment building.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's got a big butt.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's a fat dumper.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I kind of like it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not into fat dumpers, but I don't. I don't mind that one.

[Bobby Kelly]

Lainey Wilson.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Woof. That's a big butt. But one on the right is when she probably was coming up, didn't make it. The one on the left is. I've been on a tour bus for four years making it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Somebody. But someone's definitely caught this girl. At least bikini. Come on, Christine. Come through. Do the right thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't think so.

[Bobby Kelly]

Earn your plane ticket.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't think. I don't think you're gonna find her in a bikini. Why you're gonna find maybe a one piece Jewel.

[Bobby Kelly]

They got Jewel in bikinis.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's smoking hot and she's a dirt ball that lives in her car.

[Bobby Kelly]

But mad at just wearing a fucking cowboy hat and singing Eskimo songs. Remember?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I remember. Yoli.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hoo. No, another Burke or Dirk. There you go. Lainey Wilson. Dude, look at her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh wow.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's teensy, actually.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

With a fat ass. That's her before she. That's her in high school. Nope, that's not her now.

[Bobby Kelly]

Sure it is. No, it is not Christine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No way.

[Bobby Kelly]

Tell me it's her right now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That is not her. That is an old picture of her back in the day before she made it when she was at some.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't believe any pictures. You think this is AI too, just because we all happen to get fooled. Nobody did that by the down syndrome.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was you. Only you. You brought us all into that hell. And now I can't get out of the hell because it's all over my algorithm.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now what? Hot down syndrome. Shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. That's all I'm looking at now. This hot AI, it's not even real.

[Bobby Kelly]

Lucky you, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's not lucky me. I don't want it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at this digital clock. Look at this clock that I don't have to look at and do math.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This. This studio is.

[Bobby Kelly]

So why is the New York studios not good? And you know what they do? They don't even tell you that they have cameras in here. They go, there's no cameras. Don't even get used to that. Instead of having cameras don't work. At least you know what you're getting in here.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, but what about the mic? Everything is clean and nice and the. I mean nothing once or twice a show, some board falls on my shin from the. The desk and I have to. I have to hold it the whole show with my leg.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look how much Lou's loving this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, no noise.

[Bobby Kelly]

How crazy is that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look, I'm moving my microphone too. And there's. Holy. It's a dream. Do whatever you want in here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, man. Oh my God. This is really good for my aggressive mic grabbing rants. I go, spread it out, Bobby. You see, I lean like I go.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Bobby just scared me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Come on. What are you doing right now?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can't yell at me like that.

[Bobby Kelly]

The board of education is a sham.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, come on, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

We have to end that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're bringing me back to my school. Come whack me on the head. I'll throw a chair across the room. I'm not stupid. That is not her.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now she's hot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's a. She's Christine. When is that from?

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay, well, we vamp that from her thin ass era.

[Christine]

It's on Facebook, so it's. I think.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, there's a year under it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's old. It's old.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's it say under the post?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's never going to give up unless you find facts.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know that Lanny Wilson used to be thick and then she started oic. Is that what happened? Yes. Those. Those skinny photos are more recent, but are you saying you know for a fact she's ozempic? No, she's not saying it, but she's just everybody. She's lost weight and so people are saying. Okay, so probably is ozempic. Because she was. I will say Bobby and fairness. You're just wrong. This is more current.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna say something Yellowstone.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm sorry.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, apologize, Apologize.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I want to though, because I want you to do it in the future.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't have to. I'll always apologize if I've done something wrong.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I'm gonna do it like this, buddy. I'm really sorry.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, Accepted.

[Bobby Kelly]

This is more current because she's lost weight, so the ass is going away. I'll tell you what. Feels good. No, this is 2018, God damn it. I'm sorry.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Respectfully, Lou Wrong.

[Bobby Kelly]

Seven years ago. This picture is.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hi, Lou, by the way. Jacob, are you there? I'm here. Hey, Lou, why do you sound like you're not here?

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob? What are you on a walkie talkie?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why does Lou sound fantastic, like he's in the studio? This was Big Jim approved. This was.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that true?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What are you. Are you talking through a coffee can?

[Bobby Kelly]

Lou? Sounds like he's in the room with us.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Nice talking to you, Jacob. Listen, the thing is, Jacob, take the little.

[Bobby Kelly]

That tin can and yell to me, please. You can't hear me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, we can hear you. It's. But it sounds like you sound like you're Apollo 13.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, what does the horizon look like?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know why? Because he's talking on that stupid Florida microphone he has. He went down. What is that microphone? Your microphone shouldn't light up.

[Bobby Kelly]

The fuck. Is it a lava lamp you're talking into?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, why are you a 13 year old girl with a TikTok right now? I just got this mic. Yeah, that mic.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, you got to go get some good equipment, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Buddy, the mic shouldn't light up.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're working Radio.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You have a microphone that has a light on it that actually flickers when it hears things.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's batshit. Jacob, you have to get good equipment. You work in radio and you don't like doing it in studio. You want to do it from your mom's house in Florida. You have to have good equipment.

[Christine]

Didn't we all get Motus at one point?

[Bobby Kelly]

Everybody had a motu at one point.

[Christine]

You're a motu, Jacob.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's a motu?

[Christine]

It's a xl. It's a USB XLR adapter.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, are you enjoying your freeze dried ice cream? Jacob, do you miss your family out there?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, we'll get you. Hold on.

[Bobby Kelly]

I promise. We're sending a rescue ship up to get you now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We're gonna need you to do some calculations. Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

Hang on, someone. I think the Klingons are intercepting our circus.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob, can you make it to the transport room?

[Bobby Kelly]

He just left. I love that we bully him into leaving.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He left the show.

[Bobby Kelly]

I hope he leaves for the rest of the show. Hope we bully him right out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow, Lou. Wow. He really just left. He just gave up. I've. I've never seen a grown man quit so easy.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at Lou's wacky monitor. It's crazy. Goes across his whole desk.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hmm. I like it.

[Bobby Kelly]

This guy's prepared. He's prepared to do some home broadcast.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's how good he sounds like he's in the studio. Lou, what's going on, buddy?

[Bobby Kelly]

Two quick things.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wow.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank you for loving my monitor. Love it. 46 inch Samsung.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

As you should have a big monitor. You get it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nice. In case you gotta edit your own dick pics. Yeah. Come on, guys. I was so satisfied with that joke.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was good.

[Bobby Kelly]

There are two articles in the chat, Christine, about Lainey Wilson losing weight. Fat ass. Lou, is that monitor split in two? Yeah, you can split it in two.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Really?

[Bobby Kelly]

Watch TV and play your game at the same time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

With the right girl, you can split it in two.

[Bobby Kelly]

I have to get a good podcast set up soon, so I'm wondering if that's like a good monitor for me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You should have Lou do your setup. Lou knows all about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Black Lou?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, well, both of them. I mean, but he does that setup at his house is pretty sick and he's. He's way into tech, Right?

[Bobby Kelly]

Love it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, you should have a setup.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just gonna figure out a desk and some cameras and shit. I gotta. Gets it all going, but yeah, Lou's got a good setup. For some reason, Jacob goes down there with a fucking cb Radio or something.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He went down. He went to Best Buy before the show and bought the on sale microphone.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. That's crazy. That was an impulse purchase.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. It lights up whatever song you're playing. It goes to the beat.

[Bobby Kelly]

And why would you get the microphone with the light? Why are you trying to draw eyes? People say Jacob's getting a little big for his britches and he's trying to really impose his will on the show. I think getting a light up microphone is. That's a little bit of flash for a background singer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think you know why he did it? Because Jacob likes guys.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob likes guys. That's clear. The answer.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob likes guys. Right now. You think he's. You think he's angrily unplugging that stupid microphone.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob loves guys. Oh, Christine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacob loves guys. I sure do. Jacob loves guys. Jacob loves guys. I love. You have different versions of it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I love all that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You want to hear Kelly Clarkson's version? Oh, please.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob loves guys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's a very special episode. When Jacob falls in love with a guy. When Tim leaves. When Butterly leaves to go to the last day in New York.

[Bobby Kelly]

And he finds love one more time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And he finds love one more time at the Radisson Hotel in Times Square.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob loves guys.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And that's him leaving Jacob sitting in the window of the hotel. Then he gets up and goes to the gym. He's got to move on. Gets his mojo back. It sound like Kelly Clarkson A little. A little bit.

[Bobby Kelly]

A lot of it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I got Kelly Clarkson news nudes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Send them over.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I would never.

[Bobby Kelly]

She was fat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

First of all, if I had nudes of Kelly, I would not. I'm sorry. I would never show them to you.

[Bobby Kelly]

You'd show me.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'd show you Dawn's nudes before I show you Kelly's nudes.

[Bobby Kelly]

You'd show me her name?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, wait. I have more respect for Kelly than that. I would show you Don's nudes. If I get. If I. I don't have any nudes. You don't want to see those, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why not?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You don't want to see that, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no. I'll give you the poses I want.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You write it down. I'll put her in the most. She's sleeping. I swear to God.

[Bobby Kelly]

She just wakes up with her cheeks. Her cheeks in the mid like this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If you promise not to show them to anybody, I will do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Keep them in your phone. You just show them to me. I want to enjoy them with you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I'll do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll get you reinvigorated for your own wife again.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that's great. She'll pull a hammy while I'm trying to do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, also, Christine, if you wouldn't mind bringing up on the screen, at some point, we're gonna have to play the America's best new hit song that you sent me on TikTok or sent me on a thing.

[Christine]

Are we allowed to play that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can't play that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You can't play that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why not?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The one that she sent. That was catchy as hell. And I couldn't sing. Of course. In public?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why couldn't we play that? I don't understand.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

It doesn't make any sense.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can they not play TV shows on fx, channel or. I mean, like, this is crazy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I might not be remembering the song correctly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, no, no, no, no, you are.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Okay, well, I mean, listen, don't sing along. Like I said one time, one time when I was here doing a show at Zany's and I did a very bad joke and they didn't laugh, and I went, what are we in the Bible about? And the lady went, you're on the buckle.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, geez, I like that. It's a great line.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're on the buckle. I was like, all right, then, Christine.

[Bobby Kelly]

Send to yourself while we read this. Make this Lainey Wilson thing bigger, though. Weight loss surgery she got me. Only lunatics would do with the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, hey, hey. No, no.

[Bobby Kelly]

Now. Because of Ozempic and stuff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no. There's a lot of people out there. That bariatric.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not still.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why would you try that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't. Shit. First thing, don't you shame another fat person out of.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not shaming you at all. I wouldn't.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Some people don't want to inject their stomachs. Tw. Throw up and throw up and feel disgusting.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's fair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And some of us want to keep our insides. Our insides and not shoot black jizz for two weeks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was showing somebody. I was showing. Oh, Rosebud Baker was on my podcast and I was telling her, you, dude. And I showed her the photo and I.

[Bobby Kelly]

Black jizz, buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's like I showed her a decapitated baby. She screamed.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. It was. It's. It was. It was nerve wracking. She does look. This is not how she looked on Yellowstone. The middle, maybe.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, maybe to the right maybe.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I'm telling you, she was actually substantially heavier in Yellowstone. Look up, Lainey. Wilson in Yellowstone.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I like her.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, she's fucking hot as shit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, she's very hot.

[Bobby Kelly]

She was hot as shit. Chubby in Yellowstone. It was just. She was chubby. I didn't think it was gonna be a real star. And then she was so good playing that I was like, then look like she's lip sync. You know, you can kind of tell when that's happening.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

When it's like not even them singing, but that was definitely her. And then I was like, looked it up. I was like, oh, yeah, it is a country star. I didn't know before that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you know that righteous gemstones that she sings those. The daughter sings the songs.

[Bobby Kelly]

Who?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

The daughter and Righteous gemstone, the actual daughter. When she sings. That's her singing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, really?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, I just made that up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, come on. Look at that thumper.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I like it. I like it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jesus Christ.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's not the same build that she has currently now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look at her, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All of it. All her food went to her legs.

[Bobby Kelly]

Absolutely. Her moose knuckle is just swallowing up those Lemay pants.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you know how tight I was talking to Yamanika about chubby girls?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She was saying that the. The. Dare I say pussy? Dare you say vagina stink. Wrinkle is tighter down there when you're.

[Bobby Kelly]

Fatter because no one fucks you. She's right. Yamanika nails it again.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know if that was it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, it's easier for your pussy to stay tight when no one can reach it or fuck it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That reach all the fat.

[Bobby Kelly]

You gotta get through a lot before you hit pussyhole.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think it's because the fat mushes it together.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's under a lot more pressure. Like a submarine.

[Bobby Kelly]

Absolutely. It's a diamond.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. It's like a sub in the Mariana Trench.

[Bobby Kelly]

Absolutely. Their pussies have collapsed under the weight like the Titanic submersible.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. She's adorable, man.

[Bobby Kelly]

She was cute here. And here's the thing. Here's what Be nice. Would you scoop her up when she's all fat bottomed like that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

And you go, now it doesn't matter. She has a stunning face and still looks good in the bathing suit. But yeah, let's admit it. She's got some fucking the legs of a fat person and now she doesn't have that at all. And you'd be like, oh, but remember I loved you when you were a pig. So you have to stay with me now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you know what's you know, it's amazing with girls, and it happens a lot. They don't get fat bellies. Like, as a guy, I would get a fat belly and thinner legs. You never really get fat. My legs never really got that fat with girls.

[Bobby Kelly]

I've never fat look. Always carrying around a big, fat body. And so I have this meatball on toothpicks build that sucks shit so hard. Christina, I caught myself in a sitting profile today, and Bobby watched me through the glass look at myself in the mirror, upset. For minutes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was sitting in the thing, eating my little barbecue, and I looked out, and he was. I thought he was looking at me, and then I realized he was looking at himself. And then he started adjusting.

[Bobby Kelly]

He got to see what I see in a mirror. He got to see what I do in a mirror. Come on, dude. I'm like, that's. Come on, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was sad. He's giving himself pep talks, and I was so sad. I was gonna go out and go, hey, dude, I can see you, dude, please.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just know that I can. I knew Bobby was right there. I was just more concerned with my big, fat, disgusting body.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You look good, huh?

[Christine]

That's why we can't have any mirrors.

[Bobby Kelly]

Correct. You can have marriage.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Enough vampires. You look good now. You both look fantastic.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll tell you what. That's not what the. What I. The blur of flesh that I see zip by mirrors in our house doesn't look good to me.

[Christine]

It's crazy because he's. He's literally the weight that. For our relationship, this is the weight he's been saying he wants to get to. And I was like, this is where weight loss is.

[Bobby Kelly]

Turns out it's still gross because I've been.

[Christine]

I told him I've been 135 pounds, really tiny.

[Bobby Kelly]

Prove it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Shut up.

[Christine]

It was on my. I was on my way up from crack, but I was 135 pounds, and I fucking thought that I had to lose 20.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What a fato. And crack. I know that's.

[Bobby Kelly]

Unfortunately, you can't sneak crack into someone's system. I've been trying to give Christine cracking her sleep at night.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Christine was the fattest crack addict ever. 135?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Christine]

On my way back up, I was down to, like, 115.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Still a little chubby for crack. No, dude, you can't.

[Bobby Kelly]

You.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You got to realize, and I said this to you as fatties, you're never going to be happy with yourself, no matter what you do. I was talking to the Ethan supply, who was £700. Now he's. You never, ever. You're never going to look at yourself and be like, I did it because Brad Pitt from Fight Club's body is out there in your head. That's why. And you'll never get there. Right now, you look fantastic. And, Christine, you look beautiful. And, Lou, you can get on some work. You could get some work done.

[Bobby Kelly]

But listen, Manjaro, Lou.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Manjaro, Lou. Get it. I gotta get work. I don't know, dude. You get.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, with a little Manjaro, maybe a chin shaping and a nose job and something that puts your eyes closer together.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And makeup. We could have little makeup on the cheeks.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just keep saying different things. Dude, you would look really good if we got you a full hair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

A beard.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Ear fix.

[Bobby Kelly]

Face tattoo. We'll fix your ears.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We'll fix your ears. Seriously, I'm taking notes on all this money myself. Badly.

[Bobby Kelly]

These don't even make sense. We're going to get your nostrils lengthened.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Chin implant.

[Bobby Kelly]

Chin implant. And upper lip filler. And bottom lip thinner.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't forget his elbows. We're going to fix his ashy elbows.

[Bobby Kelly]

On your ashy ass elbows. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We'll put mayonnaise on him for a week.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

How to be.

[Bobby Kelly]

And your middle back rolls. The ones you don't even know you had until I told you right now. That seem impossible. Middle back rolls. Is it even possible?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Not up there in the middle of your back. Just start getting. Look at sea creature.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Buddy, I'm so glad I lost.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't check. You don't have them. I start checking his back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I had. I had the rolls in the back of my head.

[Bobby Kelly]

The pack of hot dogs, Buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I had them so bad that little maxi would bite them as his. He called them his. What's that? Honey bun. No, what is that? The. The store in the mall. The Honey bun.

[Bobby Kelly]

Cinnabon.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Cinnabon. He would call it a Cinnabon. He goes, dad, can I get a bite of the Cinnabon? And he would bite the back of my. Because it looked like a Cinnabon.

[Bobby Kelly]

You let him?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, because it was adorable.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's not, though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it wasn't.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a terrible thing to eat. Now. That's a core memory for him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I felt great when he went, dad, you took my Cinnabon away.

[Bobby Kelly]

What's the. Is that just a stern joke? But does or is that true that Elvis had something. There was some gross thing on his mother that he would, like, suck on? He would have to, like. He did something for his mother. That was gross. Like sex.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Something with her moles.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right? Like he named him or something like that. Yes, he named her moles. And he was like, there's something gross. Really? Sturm was making fun of it one day, but I think it's from a real thing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Right.

[Bobby Kelly]

But it was great. He was. Yeah. He goes, my mama's what he called it. I forget. So gross, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So check this out. Kelly Clarkson. I am five steps closer to being her friend.

[Bobby Kelly]

Five step. Was it. Was it one move jumped you? Five steps, one move, five things happen.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I. I was talking to Rosebud about it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Baker.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Rosebud, Baker, Baker. Rosebud Baker. Do you need to say that?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. I'm just almost making the joke. You don't know any other Rosebuds? No one's heard Rosebud as a name since Citizen Kane.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, I know three Rosebuds.

[Bobby Kelly]

Do you?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Rosebud Sullivan, Rosebud Shamimi, and Rosebud DeVito.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, don't forget Rosebud Baker.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Guess it's four. You got so wrapped up and so excited that you've thought of three fake blast names that you forgot. You only had to come up with two.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He's just my.

[Bobby Kelly]

When the ball started rolling, you got fucking tunnel vision and you started just saying names. Oh, I almost forgot about Rosebud. Wellington the Third.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So we're on the thing. She films her show where.

[Bobby Kelly]

Rosebud.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, Kelly filmed her show in the NBC studios where SNL happens, where Rosebud writes. Rosebud writes. Guess who Rosebud's boss is?

[Bobby Kelly]

Kelly Clarkson.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. Rosebud's boss is Simon Cowell. No. Rosebud works at snl.

[Bobby Kelly]

Lorne Michaels.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. Yes, but no, Rosebud's. She's a writer for the Peacock. No, not the Peacock.

[Bobby Kelly]

Michael Cheac's name.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Michael Che.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I don't know the Peacock's name.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's no name.

[Bobby Kelly]

The Peacock's name is Michael Che. They named the Peacock after Che.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's no name for the Peacock. It's just the Peacock. Michael Che. We called Michael Che on speakerphone and she called him. She. I called him. He didn't pick up. She called me. Picked up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, my Lord.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But I do have his number. It is his right number.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That is good. Called him and he said, I'll see what I can do. I said, I want to meet her. He's like, do you want to. You want to go on the show? You just want to go see the show? I Go. I would love to go see the show. Christine, you're coming if I go? What? You don't want to go? Fine, you don't want to go? Do you want to go?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll go to Drew Barrymore that day, buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's not what I'm saying. I'd take you, but you'd make fun of it. Yeah, yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't want me to do that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know what?

[Bobby Kelly]

You can come. You want to go drink it in. Seriously?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

You want to sit there, hands clasped on your lap while you just stare at Kelly Clarkson while she sings a modern day version of some old song?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Or a Kelly Clarkson version of some song. What's the one you were playing today? Christine was so into it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's good.

[Bobby Kelly]

The outfield.

[Christine]

She does a great cover.

[Bobby Kelly]

You are loved. She winks so good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She winks.

[Bobby Kelly]

She winks.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And the wink, Christine, I don't know, it was. You were so on the money with the wink. I watched it four times.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine loves a wink. She watches the Kendrick Lamar thing over and over again because he winks at the camera.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do you know who doesn't like a wink?

[Bobby Kelly]

The person getting winked at.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, Dane Cook.

[Bobby Kelly]

He doesn't like a wink.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did I ever tell you it's from Nashville? Did I ever tell you the Dane Cook wink story?

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

My first time ever coming to Nashville was coming to Zany's and the owner, Dorf, Dorfman, met him. I came in a day early. Dorfman, sweetest guy in the world, says to me and Frosty, hey, I got tickets to the basketball game. You want to go? Yeah, let's go. What else are we doing? We go to the game.

[Bobby Kelly]

Memphis Grizzlies.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, we just went to the game. Cool. Hung out, had a hot dog, great fun. And we shot the shit. Just hanging out. It was fun. Really good time. And then the next day we pull up in front of the hotel with DC and Dorfin's coming out with the keys. And he sees me, but he's already know we already had a night. So I rolled down my window and he's like, hey Barbie, what's up? What's up, Dorf? How you doing? And he looks at Dane and he winks. He goes, what's up, Dan? Oh, and Dame was like, just didn't say anything. And we're sitting in the car. Okay guys, here's the thing. Blah, blah, blah. All right, we'll see you guys later. See you later, Dane. See later, Barb. Alright, bye. As we're pulling Away. Dan is so angry and nobody knows why. And then over he goes, fucking wink at me, motherfucker. You fucking wink. Who winks? You don't wink at a fucking guy. Bobby gets a hey, what's up? And boo, buddy. Hey, I get a. I get a little wink. Fucking wink at me. I'm a goddamn headliner.

[Bobby Kelly]

If somebody was saying some of the.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Things that I was saying, I was like, dude, I was trying to tell him, look, man, I went to the game. We know he's probably nervous. You're the fucking dude. You know? You get it wasn't. It just. It was a respectful wink.

[Bobby Kelly]

Get out of my face right now, man. I'm serious. I'll fucking knock you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dane, Dane, calm down. Dane, it was a respectful wink. Relax.

[Bobby Kelly]

You ruin all my fun.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it wasn't me. It was him.

[Bobby Kelly]

Every thing I'm doing, you have to somehow get in and break a rule.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It wasn't me, dude. It was Dwarfman winked at you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, I just realized I left. I just realized I left drugs in our Uber earlier. Christine.

[Christine]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. God gave me a pop brownie. I just left it in an Uber.

[Christine]

Oh, no.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What's that? What's wrong with that?

[Bobby Kelly]

If a kid gets in that Uber and goes free rowdy and eats it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, what's fucking. If a kid gets in that Uber and the parent lets him eat a fucking rogue brownie, he deserves to get wasted.

[Bobby Kelly]

Could you imagine this, though? The driver goes, maybe I had a brownie back there. And he goes, yeah, go ahead. You can have it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

If I. You eat. If you let your kid eat a brownie from an Uber driver, you're a fucking shit parent and you deserve that kid to wind up in the hospital.

[Bobby Kelly]

Or dead or dead.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So harsh. All right, maybe I said hospital and I. And I lightly said, or dead. I didn't say fucking dead, but then I asked you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, by the way, you meant or dead.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And you went, yeah, but it was a slight. It was like. It was. It wasn't. Yeah, dead. I said it was more like.

[Bobby Kelly]

It wasn't hardcore. You're right.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I mean, I don't mean it, but I do.

[Bobby Kelly]

But you do?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

You don't mean it, though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Bobby Kelly]

But you mean it completely.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I do.

[Bobby Kelly]

And utterly so.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That was my first experience with the dwarf man. So you don't fucking wink at me. Dude, it was so funny. Next time I saw Dorfy, he winked at me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, you were out of it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I loved it.

[Bobby Kelly]

You get dialed back to a wink. Is this it. Give me a little Kelly Clarkson. Damn, she looks good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Wait for this Wink.

[Bobby Kelly]

Look how thin those legs are.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Now, this is the Kelly Clarkson show. And, Christine, this is Kelly. Karaoke, you said. Right.

[Christine]

It's Kellyoke.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Whoa. All right, listen, I'm.

[Bobby Kelly]

You should know that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I should, but I don't. But I'm also willing to learn.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you see the video somebody made of me walking down the Gauntlet?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, they made all of us.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's so funny.

[Christine]

So funny.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Black Lou looked fucking. I mean, like it was him.

[Christine]

I didn't see. I only saw.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wait, what do you mean? Black Lou looked like it was him? So did mine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It did.

[Bobby Kelly]

I moved.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was great.

[Bobby Kelly]

You think I can't move like that?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, no, no. I do, man. I don't mean to say that. Why would I say that? I'm just saying Black Lou looked like.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I feel like. Here's the thing. I'm also finding out because we're sharing an Airbnb this week. Bobby and the crew have a lot of conversations that I'm privy to.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, that's not true.

[Bobby Kelly]

Group meetings every Monday.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're. Everybody is. We go over this stuff.

[Bobby Kelly]

No.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

That meeting is. There's a meeting. They meet with McClure and everything.

[Christine]

No, that's not with Bobby.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, you have a meeting with Bobby every week that I'm not on.

[Christine]

No, they have a meeting. Bobby scheduled a meeting with the Lose and Jacob without us.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it was not without you. Everybody was invited.

[Christine]

No, I was not invited till I found out about it. Oh, great.

[Bobby Kelly]

So now I'm left out because nobody wants to hang out with Christine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's.

[Bobby Kelly]

So now it's what it is. The boys club. And now you guys think because I get my nails. And by the way, it's a dip manicure. I can't now that I'm getting dip manicures. You guys are like, well, then let the two bitches stay home.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're a dip.

[Bobby Kelly]

It looks nice.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It doesn't look nice.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's strong.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's the gayest thing I've ever seen.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's a stronger name.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I hate that you got a lighter pink. Yeah, it makes me sick. Why you got a pink that matches your bracelet? Beads.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, it's a lighter pink. I feel like this time.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, listen, it's not. It's a meeting to go over all the lists for the week.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't care.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know, stop looking at your nails.

[Bobby Kelly]

You guys do what you want.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, God.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't give a. Oh, yeah. Little Kelly Clarkson. Damn, she looks good.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Is it this? She does look the best she's looked at all.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't. But here's my thing. You jump on her now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

The issue is there's another fat coming. She's. This isn't her last fat.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't care if she's fat skinny. She's adorable at every stage.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no. Her cheeks grow out of her face.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I love it. I want to bite him with no teeth.

[Bobby Kelly]

Cinnabon. Little Cinnabon.

[Christine]

The wink comes up fast.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you find out, Christine, by the way, about Elvis's mom's moles?

[Christine]

There are, like, three articles that said there was nothing weird between them, and now I just found one that says there is something weird between them.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, let's believe the one.

[Christine]

So I'm gonna go through that.

[Bobby Kelly]

I choose to believe the one that says what I want to hear.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sure.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did you guys know there's a bat boy that lives in someone's basement? You guys didn't read that in the newspaper? The bat boy?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No. And you didn't read a newspaper either.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's a bat boy, and he lives in the basement. Christine, bring up the headline so Bobby can see there's a bat boy that lives in a basement.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I love that you brought it up. You moved to Jersey, and all of a sudden you're getting the paper delivered like Tony Soprano.

[Bobby Kelly]

Christine, show Bobby the evidence that there's a bat boy, please. You can play this first.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did Jacob ever make it back with a better microphone? Apparently this is better now. No, no, not great. It's all right. We'll help you out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don'T get mad. Can you not get mad at us?

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacob, what's your oxygen meter say right now?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was told this is better. Jacob, look behind you. Is that a giant squid? Make it back. Make it back to the tube, Jacob.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thrusters on full set. Photons, 35%. Blast it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's so much. So much, not better. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I love therapy. I was always scared of it. I'm telling you right now, if you have goals in life, if you. Not just people with problems or issues they have to deal with, if you want to achieve things, if you want to get somewhere in life and have focused therapy can help you. BetterHelp is one of the best therapy things. Why? Because it's completely online right now. It's online. You don't have to go in person. You don't have to wait in a lobby, maybe see somebody you know, which is uncomfortable. You can go and you can go whenever you want. And here's the greatest part. You can change the therapist. If the therapist is not working out, you can actually switch it up at no extra cost. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people fully. It's convenient and now it's within reach. Your well being is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com bonfire to get 10 off your first month. That's betterhelp H-E-L-P.com bonfire the best things.

[Bobby Kelly]

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[Big Jay Oakerson]

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[Bobby Kelly]

That's a good idea. Just give up completely.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do not give up. Jacob, you keep trying to adjust that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, look at that. There's a bat boy. And he's escaped. He was found in a cave.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's actually. Norton and Nikki had a child.

[Bobby Kelly]

Holy shit. That should be. If that's not a roast joke, what is? Well, Norton said he couldn't do it, but I guess his jizz worked enough to make this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, his jizz mixed with Nicky's poop made a bat baby that they keep in the basement.

[Bobby Kelly]

A bat boy. Oh, she gave birth to a bat boy. You didn't see. I wonder if his wife does that. If he ever walks in and accidentally sees like she just left some like fucking like dude sized logs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

When I did their podcast, like a three coiler, they talked about poop on the. When they have sex. Is poop on the thing?

[Bobby Kelly]

There has to be.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I know. I wish they would.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're either gonna get food remnants from mouths or remnants from assholes. There's no choices though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're pull your helmet out and a kidney bean skin is gonna be. I'm sorry.

[Christine]

I believe it's called getting painted.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna throw up.

[Christine]

What is poop on the dick after anal?

[Bobby Kelly]

It is. Where'd you hear that?

[Christine]

Gay tick tock.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think you're on gay.

[Christine]

Sometimes I don't know. I remember the guy that I searched with a big muscly butt. So lately I've Been getting some gay stuff.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why would you surprise that Christine's on gay TikTok?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not.

[Christine]

Finger my ass. That's for love.

[Bobby Kelly]

That is for love.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All right, let's see now this wink. Christine told me about this wink. I watched it five times. It is the most meaningful wink I've ever seen. It affects you. If this wink doesn't affect you and show you the power of Kelly Clarkson, you're not a human being.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go on.

[Christine]

Timing is really unreal because it's a.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Second before I would do it. You know what I mean? Because it came from her fucking heart. That's why. That's where she always comes from.

[Bobby Kelly]

I mean, it's extremely self indulgent that she does a talk show and then she's the musical guest every day.

[Christine]

I love it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Why would you not do that? It's her thing.

[Christine]

That's her talent.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's her talent. She's.

[Bobby Kelly]

She.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's doing what she does great.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's like a real throwback to like old timey shows. She's like Jack Benny.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I think she should take over late night. I think they should finally give abroad a shot.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Let me tell you why you're wrong. And you should know this. I just saw something. Somebody was on where with her recently. Where you saw her getting like, she is not leaned into. Like, she would not like our comedy at all.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Look at she's.

[Bobby Kelly]

I saw. I forget who it was went on. I looked at the clip because it was somebody we either know or something.

[Christine]

Mateo was.

[Bobby Kelly]

It was on Kelly Clarkson.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Christine]

He just went. His cookbook promotion. He just did on her show.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe it was that and whoever else was on, but they said stuff. It got like, mildly racy and she was really pulling back from it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna have to change my career path.

[Christine]

Well, she's a Bible belt, right? Like, she's from.

[Bobby Kelly]

It's the buckle.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna change my. I'm saying that I'm gonna change my. Yeah, you should.

[Bobby Kelly]

When people say this is a Bible bell, I should be like, this is the buckle.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's the buckle. You gotta say buckle, though. Yeah, buckle.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just thought of that.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna change my comment works great. My next album is gonna be crystal clean.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's squeaky clean.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Squeaky clean. Kelly.

[Christine]

Start going on Microsoft corporates.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I'm gonna start. I'm gonna squeaky clean, Kelly.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, I like.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Hey, Nate, help me. I need to open for you for a year. I'm gonna get it out. All right, you can come but you gotta stop stools just. You can't jizz on anything. You can't. Nothing. You can't whack on nothing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Here's what you do. Just go to one of his before he does a special. Go watch his hour and just do that as a release. As a special before he has a chance to record it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's genius.

[Bobby Kelly]

Thank you.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then when it comes out, I'll be like, dude, he stole my.

[Bobby Kelly]

Wow, dude. I said I'm gonna do one clean special for Kelly and this guy figures that there's no crossover, so he's gonna come in and steal my shit. That's fucked up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It's a good idea.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm gonna get on it. That's messed up is what you would say to Kelly.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I would say fucked up.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'd say messed up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jacked up. I could say jacked. I could make it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Jacked implies. I say messed. Messed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm learning, dude.

[Bobby Kelly]

Messed up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Messed up. I screwed up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Nope.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I screwed the pooch. Nope. Cuz it's screwing.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes, it's. There's too much. There's too many places to go with that. Bad. You know, I mean, okay, I really messed this one up.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I botched it. I botched it. I jinxed it.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, jinx is bad luck.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Muffed a muff. No, that's.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, no muff. No, no. Muffing isn't a muff. But muffed is fine. It's a football. It's a sports term.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No, it's not good. Muffy. Muff. It's just my thinking. Puss.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not going to fight with you, honest. Because I've. I've tried. I've drawn some weird lines too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Can we watch this wink? The wink that I've heard about for 30 minutes? This way better mean a lot.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's go. Wink.

[Bobby Kelly]

Pause it. Let me tell you what I'm always impressed by with her. This is positive. Yeah, man, you're ready to pounce.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm sorry, dude. I apologize. You know, I'm very protective. Hey, look it. I'm protective of you like this too. If someone says fucking J. I'm like, what?

[Bobby Kelly]

And he's like, I love his work.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I love it. Okay.

[Bobby Kelly]

Every time I watch her, I don't see. Watch her sing too much. But the things that I have watched and been impressed. She always starts so high that I'm like. I go. I always think she's made a mistake. I go, she's made a mistake. She can't go hard because it's gonna hurt to go higher than this. Please start it over again. That Josie was too high in my eyes, but she's always. She never lets me down. She never lets anybody come around and talk it all over.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So many things that I want to say.

[Bobby Kelly]

You know, I like my girls a little bit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Play it again. Play it again. It is so subtle and sexy and commanding.

[Bobby Kelly]

I think it was a blink and one of her eyelids isn't working.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're an. You're an. Don't even do it. Don't do it. Seriously, Jay, don't do it. That's. No, don't do it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Go back to the wink. Let me see the wink.

[Christine]

She talks about the wink afterwards with somebody that was on her show.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Do not.

[Christine]

Yeah, because that girl brought it up and she admits that it was. She goes, yeah, it was on purpose.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Everybody brought it up because it's one of the most amazing things ever done on stage.

[Bobby Kelly]

Give me the wink again.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Go.

[Christine]

She blinks before it. Maybe that's what you're thinking. But then the wink's deliberate.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, I think she is going to blink twice and her eyelash catches on her bangs.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're an ass.

[Bobby Kelly]

Vacation far away Come around and talk.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It over so many things that I wanna say. It's a wink, baby.

[Bobby Kelly]

And it's good timing of where the song is too.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Such good timing, man.

[Christine]

And the timing on the line.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Can we watch it again? Can we watch it one more time?

[Bobby Kelly]

One more time.

[Christine]

I mean, that song, this song makes me feel so. It may like as I was getting older, it made me feel so good about myself just to hear that line.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, that didn't do any. That did nothing. I. I want nothing to do with that. But the wink. I do like I want whatever that women stuff is.

[Christine]

You're saying you wouldn't take 40 year old Kelly Clarkson over 40 year old anybody?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I would take 62 year old Clarkson over anybody.

[Bobby Kelly]

What?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You heard me.

[Bobby Kelly]

You wouldn't though.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

With her money. Yes, I would.

[Bobby Kelly]

Okay.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm not taking Kelly. Old Kelly with no money.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, let Bobby finish. Play the wink again so we could finish.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Thanks.

[Bobby Kelly]

And then I want to hear her do a chorus. Come around and talk it over.

[Christine]

So many things that I wanna say.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You know I like my girls a little bit.

[Bobby Kelly]

I just wanna use your love tonight I don't wanna lose your love tonight. Who are Bill Dutchy? The Day Players? That band is wacky. Nobody there is friends.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, I know. Nobody knows anybody. Look at her. Adorable.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. Who's arguing? She hires a Band of miscreants and virgins so no one tries to fucking her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, that black. I might be digging it out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No.

[Christine]

What song did she do on the. Was it the Rock and Roll hall of Fame?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah. You know what it was. I want to know what love is. Yeah.

[Christine]

So good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Lyrics are so good, no one pays attention to it.

[Christine]

One Night Stand.

[Bobby Kelly]

Such a up song.

[Christine]

Get out, get in, get out.

[Bobby Kelly]

The lyrics are, my chicken gone. Come over and sir. And then she's like. He goes, hey, beat it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm not your shoulder to cry on.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I. I hope she sings it to me. I'll come over and beat it. I'll come over. She can kick me out. Please let me be here forever.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no.

[Christine]

Or as Meg the Stallion would say, damn, you probably want to wear my hoodie.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'll be so much better to you than Josie I'll be so much better.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Than Josie I would suck if I got my heart broken in a marriage. I ruined everything for her. She dumped me. Oh, so adorable. Man, do I love her. She sings great.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

All that extra oomph in her body now.

[Christine]

Was there ever anyone like as special as her on American Idol ever again? Was Carrie Underwood American Idol?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yep. Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, she was great. She still is.

[Bobby Kelly]

What, talent wise, you mean?

[Christine]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Of course.

[Christine]

Superstar out of. I, like, don't know when people are from.

[Bobby Kelly]

Daughtry's had a career. She's got a whole career. I don't. It's not my thing at all. But people follow Daughtry around. They like Daughtry. Oh, my God. This is fucking. She's had a big career. We gonna say something about her? Hudson. Who?

[Christine]

Oh, Jennifer Hudson was American.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jennifer Hudson.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, J. Hud.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, she kind of fell. She hasn't been around a minute.

[Bobby Kelly]

Talk show Jennifer Hudson.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Oh, yeah, she's got.

[Bobby Kelly]

She's the one that does the gauntlet.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't even. You know what? That's so funny. I've never seen the talk show part of it. I've only seen the gauntlet. The gauntlet is the only thing I saw. That's what.

[Bobby Kelly]

Oh, Bobby, look. The bat child's been found in a cave. You don't read the same news as me. I. Oh, I guess our algorithms are different. Yeah, our algorithms are different, boys. Found in a cave two miles underground.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, I, I had something happen to me this weekend, and I, I, I. It really me up.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dude, this is hard for you. I know.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

It was really bad. I just. As a dude, as a man. You think that you're. You think you're certain. You know what I mean? You. I feel like in certain situations I would be useful and I know what I would do. And I found out this weekend that I'm just a. I'm just a piece of that you can't rely on. I'm not really a man, dude. You know, I have all these guns, I live in the woods. I.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are you a pansy?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You're saying, buddy, I'm not a pansy. I'm just.

[Bobby Kelly]

I don't think you're a pansy. But you called me this weekend and we held off on the story. You didn't tell me. I know what you did. I don't know what happened, but I will say I told you not to tell me because you were genuinely shell shocked. And I said, I can tell by your energy already that you're not going to feel better about this by the time we're on the show, so save it and tell me on the show because I know you're. Whatever this was got you gloomy, but you've. You're questioning your manhood, your husbandship and your fatherhood.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Buddy, you ever get in a fight and you lose and you're like, wow, I thought I was gonna win. And then you realize that you're not as tough as you think you are?

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, well. Yeah, well, try doing that with life. Every aspect of life. I wasn't. I'm not as good as I thought I was in one day, buddy. Dawn. Don, first of all. Don't. I don't know what's up with her, but she good.

[Bobby Kelly]

Naked pictures?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Not yet. Oh, she. She's trying to. She always trying to find stuff for me to do, you know, and she. She. She says to me, all right, there's this thing. Last year, we took Max to paintball liberty. Paintball up in. Up where we live. And we went in all his friends, but they were the little guns, and it was all his friends. We owned the course. Around 15 kids. I drove them all up there in a van. I rented this big van. We took them all up, and they're all 10 year olds, 9 year olds in his class and all his friends, and they went up to the paintball thing and they had a blast. But they were smaller guns, less powerful. Everybody had a blast. So dawn says to me, hey, next weekend, there's a zombie apocalypse paintball thing up at Liberty. Maybe you and Max, his friend Marcus and his father from Jiu Jitsu, maybe you guys could go. And I'm Like, I don't know. I don't. What is it? She's like, it's like the zombies fight the humans and it looks like a lot of fun. So I'm like, I. I don't know. Soon that she's pressured.

[Bobby Kelly]

What day of the week was this?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This was. This was probably Monday or Sunday. She tells me about this.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. What day was it signed up for?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

This was on Sunday. To go Sunday morning.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, I spoke to you afterwards.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Sunday morning at 8:30.

[Bobby Kelly]

Why does she want you out of the house that time of day? Well, I just wanted the house empty for some reason.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She wanted. Well, we had to leave at 7 because we had to get there early to get.

[Bobby Kelly]

And she knows all that. Why does she want you out of that house Sunday morning? What could it be?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

Maybe she flashes the gardener.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There's no gardener on Sunday.

[Bobby Kelly]

You think she just flashes neighbors?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't know.

[Bobby Kelly]

You just pressed ham. The neighbors. You think she's fucking putting ass right to the windows?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I don't think so. Because we don't have windows on the side of the house.

[Bobby Kelly]

No, no, they're just some front. When you go home, put a little baby powder on the window. See if it has ass and cooch prints.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

See if there's one tit and a small nipple. And then a small tit with a big nipple.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yes.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Check it looks like an alien's face.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dust for tintprints for tit prints.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Looks like a retarded kid's face on the window. That's Don's tits.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah, Because I think it's a guy with a stroke, buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We go up there. We gotta go up there so early. We get up there first of all. As soon as we get up there, it is professional army guys, Professional paintball. It's like, these are all pros.

[Bobby Kelly]

Are they repelling down walls type shit?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, a guy walked by me in a full ghillie suit, okay? With a sniper rifle. Paintball gun. Wow, that must have cost like 10 grand.

[Bobby Kelly]

Did it have the tripods?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yes. Dude, we have to go in and rent the equipment from these people. I don't own, so I have to rent just shitty guns.

[Bobby Kelly]

Is that. Is that what Airsoft is? Is that a paintball?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Airsoft? Different Airsoft. This is paintball. Airsoft is little balls and plastic balls, okay? So, dude, I'm kind of looking around, waiting for, you know, other people like us who are renting. So it's me, Max and his friend, same age, and the father Jiu Jitsu guy? No, he's a musician. He's a. He's a professional musician.

[Bobby Kelly]

He's a pussy, too, dude.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

He goes, listen, bro. I say to him, look, as long as I don't get my face, because.

[Bobby Kelly]

I got to go do shows, moneymaker.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And then he goes, dude, I got it. I got gigs. I got him. I got a. I got to protect my fingers. That's it. He's a guitar player, bass player, drummer. I go, yeah, well, fine. We're fine. It's gonna be a fun day. Everybody keeps saying it's gonna be fun. So we buy all the gear. First of all, I gotta get a jumpsuit, One of those Josh suits that I can't.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's no suit, but there's no coveralls.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

No suit that fits me. It's just not. So I have to sit there in the middle of everybody trying on three different sizes till I go to the size that the legs are. Have three feet of extra feet lengthwise, because that's the only fat size that fits me.

[Bobby Kelly]

Even now, anytime I joined organized basketball, even they would go, hey, everyone wears this T shirt. Here's the biggest one we got. And then I. Dude, the one we did at the Chelsea Piers, I cut the sleeves off the shirt and cut the shirt straight down the side and safety pinned it to my shirt.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Jesus.

[Bobby Kelly]

I safety pinned it just like. So it just was. I just put it. Made it on top of my shirt. I just pinned, like, the logo on it.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Dude, that's fat. That sucks, dude. I just. I had to leave my zipper open, so I just had my chest out very.

[Bobby Kelly]

And no tank top.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I had no. I had my T shirt on, and I could only zip it up to my belly button and it wouldn't go any further. The largest one they had, and I was like, you don't have a bigger one? He's like, that's it, buddy. And he looked at me, like, sad, like he felt bad for me. And he's been there before. And then we get all this gun stuff. We get the mask, we get all the stuff. 400, 500 bucks when I'm done, I buy balls. I gotta buy the paintballs, a case of them. I get the kids 500 bucks. We're sitting there, we're loading up. As we're loading up. People are getting out of these cars with this one guy had an M60. Like, they have real guns with these beautiful covers over the barrels and over the paintball thing. And they all had like. Like, logos from, like, sponsors.

[Bobby Kelly]

You Know like Fox.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah. They're all sponsored by companies. And then there's me, Max, Marcus and Eric, who are wearing just shitty old that don't fit, that don't fit fatigue jumpsuits. Mercenaries with terrible fucking guns, and buddy.

[Bobby Kelly]

You'Re the face, man.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So then they give us this big thing and they're getting generals, and I'm. I'm starting to get a little nervous.

[Bobby Kelly]

God. Jim say, you want to hang out with us? God, this guy keeps walking back and forth. I see you, dude. Just come, come in, say hi.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You see, Schmooze the people this way. I can move down here. Awesome. Jim would be down here.

[Bobby Kelly]

Dominate. They're gonna be like, he came from the big city. This guy knows big city radio.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Did you see his watch? That's a man's watch. So, dude, they take us. We're the zombies. So they take us. You know, usually fight. You start here and you right on the other side of the field and you go and meet Buddy. This is like a real. They took us out into the woods. Like a 20 minute walk into the woods and it's through mud, it's raining. The kids by the time we get there, they're like, dude, dad, what are we doing? I'm like, just, you know, it's cool. As soon as we get to the spot where they yell, go. Like a hundred guys just appear on the ridgeline. We're at the bottom of this hill and there's a ridgeline at the top. And you just see these shadows of men appear like real war. And they just start flying by your head. My whole glasses got fogged up. I couldn't see a thing. I just hit the ground. Max.

[Bobby Kelly]

Max starts going, you just jumped the ground and panicked.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I couldn't see. I could. I could only see Maximus.

[Bobby Kelly]

I can't see. I can't see. Man down.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All you hear is Maximus went, ow, ow. Dad, Dad, I know. Max, I can't see. Where are you, dad? And then he goes like this. I'm hit. And he goes, ow, ow. I'm hit, motherfucker, I'm hit. I'm done, I'm done. And then his. The guy I'm with, he's like, my fingers, they hit my fingers. And right when I turn around, a paintball just hit my lip. Went under my mask and just smashed my lip. And I was, I couldn't feel my lip. I was like, my lip, my lip in my face. And I'm taught there's a ref there. I go, dude, I can't see, man. He's like, yeah, bro, you can't take your mask off. There's around 50 guys coming down at you right now. You're gonna have to fight your way out. I'm like, I can't. I can't do it. I just lied on the ground and just shot my gun in the direction of people. And then I just heard my son screaming, dad. I was like, max, come to me. He's like, I can't see.

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm like, my legs. My legs are gone. I. Buddy, I shouldn't say it. I shouldn't say what I'm gonna say. Buddy, I don't know. I've got some real thoughts, and I think. I think you didn't consider something here.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

What? That my wife hates me and she's trying to kill me?

[Bobby Kelly]

She sent you out to get killed?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She sent me out.

[Bobby Kelly]

That is the classic story of a jumping. That is a. Hey, why don't you guys go here? Oh, no, I. Listen, Dahlia Dippolito, the black widow lady, remember, that's what she did. I'm going to the gym. I'm going to the gym. Like, oh, no, honey, you stay home from the gym, you know, because the guy was coming over to shoot him in the fucking face to kill him.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

She tried to set you up to get murdered in front of. And she didn't want to take care of Max by herself, so she figured she'd get you guys both. Two birds, one stone, buddy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We had to crawl to, like, this barrel where this guy was.

[Bobby Kelly]

She was aware of this.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I was like, I have to get my kid out of here. I have to get these boys out of here because they're crying. They're like, dad, I'm done. I'm fucking done. I'm like, we can't just leave because the game will not stop. And the only way out is through the game. Like, you have to walk through the blue side to get out.

[Bobby Kelly]

And that's where they are there.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's what they are.

[Bobby Kelly]

They are the blue side.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So I look over, and Max had his paint barrels, the little things, and I'm. Where are your things? He goes, I don't know. They're over there. So I had to go get these things, crawl. I had. I crawled over to a barrier, and I'm looking for these plastic tubes that hold the paintball gums, and I'm just getting whacked. And it. It hurts.

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't they stop when you get hit.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You go, I'm out. I'm out. But then you have to Go back to this other place. But as you're walking, they're still shooting you.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So I. The. Finally the guy's like, dude, how much of the tubes? And I was like, you're right. Let's just leave. We go back. Max and Marcus are gone. They're gone. My son is gone. And I'm going up to guys and I'm like, have you seen a little. Have you seen a boy and his friend? Like a young kid and his friend? And they're like, I think they walked up. I think they walked up that way. So we're going through the woods, trying not to get hit. All of a sudden I. I see Max up on the top of the ridge line over to the left, just sitting there with his head down.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I'm like, max holding a guy's head. Dad, I saved us.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I go, max. And this kid, this guy goes like this. I'm not Max, man. I'm not Max. I go, what? He goes, I'm not Max. How do you get out of here? So there was some random guy with a beard that looked like Max's height.

[Bobby Kelly]

You just thought it was a Max.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So I had to take this guy. We had to take him. I go, follow me. Follow me, man. So we're all kind of walking this ridge line through the woods so we didn't get fucking whacked. And Max and Marcus were back. They made it back without us. I don't know how they did it. They just left us. Made it back to the. The. The picnic table where the thing was, all their shit's off. They're done. Fuck this. Welts all over our body. We lasted under 10 minutes. It was supposed to go from all day till 4 o'clock and we lasted under 10 minutes. That's how much of a soldier I am. That's how much of a man I am. Five, five minutes in, I quit. And I just wanted to be. I would have just. I actually wish it was real war where I really got shot by a real gun so I. At least I could get medevaced out of there.

[Bobby Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

And I wouldn't have to walk 20 minutes back. It was 20 minutes back through the.

[Bobby Kelly]

Woods by yourselves now because the crew still playing.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

They're still playing. Not only that, did I let my team down there. Four people down, plus not Max. The guy I found in the woods. That's five people down and one's injured.

[Bobby Kelly]

Damn. I. What a nightmare that sounds to me, I'll say it a hundred times over, like dawn was trying to have you and Max killed.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Well, it's funny because when I called her up, she only laughed.

[Bobby Kelly]

She did.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I was like, you bitch.

[Bobby Kelly]

She still knew you had a 20 minute walk and she stood another hour by herself. She wanted you out of that house.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Don't forget the half hour back to the house.

[Bobby Kelly]

She wanted you out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She wanted me out.

[Bobby Kelly]

She wanted you out. For some reason, I don't know what it was. I don't want to make it in the fairies. It's not cheating necessarily. Maybe she's doing like a taboo, like only fan stuff. Like she's like, she's taking shits on camera now.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's taking shits on camera. I'd pay to see that.

[Bobby Kelly]

Well, you better hope other people would pay to see.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'd pay to see her little fucking rump take her shit into a jar, buddy. It was so. It was. I can't believe that she would think that we would have that. Sending me into a tournament, a professional paintball, people with my 11 year old son and his friend. Where the fuck. Where would you ever think that would be a good idea?

[Bobby Kelly]

She just wanted you out. You're overthinking her intention of what you could do. She could have been like, hey, I got you guys skydiving lessons. But like shootless. Were you guys like wingsuit? You'll be fine.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

So I shouldn't, I shouldn't go rock climbing next week?

[Bobby Kelly]

I'm just saying, don't let dawn plane your without her.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

She's got me and Max doing rock climbing. No, don't do that. Okay?

[Bobby Kelly]

Don't do that. I do not do that. I did Isabella. I said, you got to learn when to walk away. That's why I started telling you the other day when they added a rock wall at the mall in Long Island. And Carla, my ex, was trying to get me to. She's like, oh, you gotta go up in the rock wall with Isabella. I'm like, no. I'm like, I don't want my daughter. My daughter definitely, if nothing else, thinks I'm like strong and tough.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah.

[Bobby Kelly]

If nothing else, she knows I'm big and blah, blah. To watch her see that that big that she thinks is big and intimidating is actually just a fat, sad, silly person. And what she was gonna see was when I get a hilariously not dangerous level up from the ground on this rock wall, my legs will begin to shake, like I have to take a piss or something because I am utterly terrified of falling and just hurting myself. And I will, I mean, everything on me will be shaking. And I'll be like, you good, Isabelle, you up? You are you next to me. And I don't want to put myself in positions where I can't save them. Yeah, if I. That's what Max saw that day. He had to save himself because you and Jiu Jitsu dad could not handle the situation. War is hell, Bobby.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

War as hell. And it sucked.

[Bobby Kelly]

And I heard ever since you come home, all you can think about is getting back. When you were out there, all you could think about was getting home.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

But now that you're home, I'll never go back again.

[Bobby Kelly]

All you think about is getting back.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll never paintball again.

[Bobby Kelly]

No. It's a stupid idea for dumb assholes to do.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'll never do it again. Unless it's with a bunch of kids.

[Bobby Kelly]

I would just go, hey, how about we just, like, you know, go to the woods and just not.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

You shouldn't paintball with a team where the guys have literally real, like, medals from war and they have their real fatigues from the Afghan war.

[Bobby Kelly]

There's nothing worse than someone taking it too seriously in general, across the board. Guys, settle the fuck.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

I'm gonna wind up one of those stupid YouTube videos. Just fat dad crying in the mud. This guy with a sniper rifle.

[Bobby Kelly]

Just fun with my boy.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Just dad. Help yourself, Max.

[Bobby Kelly]

Luring in trouble if we don't take this break.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Let's take it.

[Bobby Kelly]

All right, we'll take it. We have one read, Bobby. How exciting is that one?

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That's fantastic. We can.

[Bobby Kelly]

That's better than Nunski.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Yeah, good way to look at it.

[Bobby Kelly]

Two pages. Only one read, though. We'll be right back, everybody. We're kicking it hard. Nashville.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

We got a show here in Nashville. I have a show. You have Story wars every night.

[Bobby Kelly]

We're all filled up for tomorrow, live.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

All right, so I have a show Wednesday night at Zany's at 7:00. So if you're around, get tickets, come out. Who knows who's gonna be on the show with me? Who knows? And then we're doing. I'm doing Story wars with you.

[Bobby Kelly]

You're doing Story Wars. Story wars happening every night here, the festival. So if there are some tickets left, grab them. Bobby Kelly is going to be. Yes. That Wednesday night headlining show. Then he's the Mothership in Austin. April.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

In April, 18th and 19th.

[Bobby Kelly]

18Th and 19th.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

There you go, Big J. Check out his new special right now on YouTube, YouTube.com@bigjokerson. They is out.

[Bobby Kelly]

Them's out.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

Them's out now. They is coming out on 4 20. It's two specials. It's hilarious.

[Bobby Kelly]

Two specials for the price of none.

[Big Jay Oakerson]

That would have been a great free. We'll be right back. It's the bonfire. Pacifico is a Mexican lager brood to be discovered. It's like fresh tracks on a powder day like that uncharted trail a stone's throw away like the perfect wave on a sunny day Pacifico find your own way. 21 + drink responsibly imported by Crown Import, Chicago, Illinois. If you've been having your McDonald's sausage.

[Bobby Kelly]

McMuffin with an iced coffee from somewhere else, now is a great time to reconsider. In the Pacific Northwest, it's never too cold for an iced coffee in the morning. Grab yourself yourself a medium caramel, French vanilla or classic iced coffee for just $2.29. Beverage may cause craving for McMuffin or hash browns. Prices and participation may vary. Cannot be combined with any other offer or combo meal.