What if the emotional patterns you struggle with aren’t actually who you are? What if they’re just patterns—and patterns can be interrupted?

I’m joined by Dr. Elisha Goldstein, returning to the show eight years after his first appearance, to talk about his new book, Tiny Shifts: How Emotional Health Transforms Stress, Relationships, and Longevity. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about healthy eating, exercise, fitness, sleep, and all the things we do to live a long and healthy life, but what about the emotional stuff? Because Elisha makes the case that emotional longevity is just as important as physical longevity—and that living in a high-stress, agitated pattern can potentially take years off your life.

We get into his simple 4-R method: recognize, release, refocus, reinforce, which can help you catch yourself in an overwhelmed loop before you spiral into those undesirable, repeatable patterns. We talk about why the skills we learn can easily fail us when we need them the most—when we’re under pressure, agitated, or triggered—and how to create more space between stimulus and response.

Elisha explains why emotions are biology, how getting in touch with what’s happening in your body can change the way you respond, and why asking your brain better questions can lead to better answers. We also talk about the everyday moments that can send us into these patterns, from traffic to social media outrage to difficult relationships, and Elisha shares a personal story about getting scammed online that puts all of this to the test in real time.

This is a fascinating conversation about emotional health, longevity, and learning to recognize the patterns that drive our behavior so we can interrupt them and give ourselves more choice in the moments when we need it most.

TIMESTAMPS:

Can Dr. Goldstein's 4-R method be the tool we need when we get under emotional stress and dysregulation? [01:03]

We live in stressful times. Even when we see ourselves as living a healthy life, we might not be aware of how this stress is effecting our body. [07:01]

The moment of awareness when you realize that you are tense, your heart rate is up, that's when you begin to recover. [10:25]

Your body always has a physical response. You can learn to map your feelings on your body. [15:10]

Our responses are just a pattern, not part of our identity. [20:01]

If a label (diagnosis) is helpful to you to identify something so you can better understand the pattern and create an intervention, it can be helpful. [25:24]

Trauma can be passed through generations. [27:14]

We learn to refocus. What do I need right now? [30:47]

When you can identify what you are feeling, your brain is mapping the sensation. [38:33]

Asking yourself questions like "What do I need? "Why aren't I kinder to myself?" puts you in a more empowering place. [44:15]

When dealing with being taken advantage of, what comes after anger? [46:21]

An example could be if there was friction in your relationship, you can ask yourself, "What would it be like if I just stopped trying to argue and just listened instead?" [47:44]

Social media can be very much a detriment in a lot of ways to our minds and our culture. [49:51]

If you get wrapped up in some news that upsets you, it makes you obsess about it, creating anxiety. [51:24]

If you can overcome a pattern once, and not react with that triggered response, it's a huge breakthrough. [54:27]

Listen to your experience. [01:02:03]

If your message to yourself is, "I should be able to shift my perspective and feel better," you are just feeding the feeling of shame. [01:05:39]

LINKS:

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