The Black Mother Wound: Dealing with Mother’s Day When You Have a Mother Wound

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Black Mother Wound – Dealing with Mother’s Day When You Have a Mother Wound

Podcast: The Breakfast Club (The Black Effect Podcast Network & iHeartPodcasts)
Host: Jennifer Arniece
Episode Title: The Black Mother Wound: Dealing with Mother’s Day When You Have a Mother Wound
Release Date: May 10, 2026

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Overview

In this heartfelt and grounding solo episode, host Jennifer Arniece shares tangible guidance and emotional support for listeners navigating Mother’s Day with complex or painful relationships with their mothers, known as the "Black mother wound." Drawing from her work within the Black Mother Wound community, Jennifer provides practical strategies, mindset shifts, and self-compassion tools for approaching Mother’s Day authentically—whether you’re celebrating yourself or protecting your peace from the holiday’s social and emotional pressures.

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Main Themes

• Managing emotions and expectations around Mother’s Day
• The importance of honesty and autonomy in healing
• Boundary setting with mothers and family
• Reparenting and self-celebration
• Letting go of shame and unrealistic societal narratives

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Episode Breakdown

Opening and Community Gratitude

[03:19–04:55]

• Jennifer thanks the community for support and shares personal updates.
• She notes her intention for the episode: “This episode is going to air the Tuesday before Mother's Day. And so that's what we're going to talk about. I was going to try and figure out a smooth way to come into it, but I was like, there's really no way.” (04:21)
• Acknowledges the challenge of this holiday for many listeners.

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Mother’s Day and the Mother Wound

[04:55–08:40]

• Reflects on her own experience with Mother’s Day:

  • Didn’t celebrate holidays as a child, so Mother’s Day never carried weight until adulthood.
  • Observes how marketing, branding, and social media shape feelings about Mother's Day, sometimes inauthentically.
  • Suggests detaching from the “Mother's Day Matrix”:

    “Marketing and branding will tell you a story, okay? And you will take on that story as your own. And you will not know the difference between what you feel and what the world and media and society is telling you to feel.” (07:07)

• Practical tip: Disconnect from social media during the period leading up to Mother’s Day to avoid comparison and emotional triggers.

  • “I want you to focus on that. I don't want you to focus on what's about to happen on Sunday.” (09:09)

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Self-Honesty and Preparation for the Holiday

[08:40–12:55]

• Encourages listeners to ground themselves by being honest about their emotional reality.

• Practice “mining for good feelings”—not just as an emotional shield for Mother’s Day, but as a lasting habit:

  “Healing really is about taking back control of your own mind, right? Because so much of what you have come to believe isn't based off of you… and healing your mother wound is about autonomy… being defined internally by you and by you only.” (10:27)

• If you feel sad, allow the feeling rather than pushing it away.

  “If you are genuinely sad this week, if you are genuinely sad on Sunday, then let yourself be sad. Don't just switch it off and say, Jennifer said to be happy today. No, if you're sad, be sad. There's nothing wrong with that.” (12:15)

• Self-soothing: Treat your inner child with compassion and allow comfort, whether that’s treating yourself, resting, or watching your favorite shows.

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Setting Boundaries and Navigating Contact

[16:44–20:10]

• Addresses listeners who are unsure about reaching out to their mothers or attending familial gatherings:

  “Do what you want to do, right? Healing is about disappointing people, right? Because you have made a choice not to abandon yourself, it can make you feel like you are guilty. It doesn't mean you are guilty.” (17:08)

• For those not yet ready to opt out of family traditions:

  • Be honest—don’t fake affection or exaggerate:

    “Don't go in there all phony like, ‘this is the mom, you've been the best and you didn’t...’ Do not tell that Hallmark story if it's not true, because it's going to bite you in the fucking ass, okay?” (18:44)

  • If necessary, participate minimally (e.g., short visits, neutral greetings) to protect your own emotional well-being.

• Key practical approach:

  • “If you're going to get a card, don't get a card telling her she's the best mom in the world if you don't believe that's who she is.” (18:56)
  • “Set a time limit… be like, you know what? I'm gonna be there for an hour and a half. Go ahead and let everybody know. I'm not gonna be there all day.” (19:18)

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Celebrating Yourself / Redefining Mother’s Day

[20:10–25:23]

• Jennifer emphasizes self-celebration and the reparenting process:

  “How do I celebrate myself? She wouldn't be a mother without me… Celebrate yourself. Make plans for yourself. Celebrate the mother that you are to yourself.” (20:40)

• Reminds listeners: It's okay to redefine what Mother’s Day means for you, even if that means decentering the relationship with your biological mother entirely.

• Self-perception and autonomy:

  “You want to perceive yourself as someone who does things that are good for you… The only way you can really establish that self perception is with practice… I want you to know this is not your fault. And I don't want you to feel shame.” (21:14–21:54)

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Releasing Shame and Embracing Individual Healing

[25:23–28:50]

• “Will tell you that you're the only one. Like, everybody has a great Mother, except me... No relationship is more important than the one you have with yourself.”

  • Recommends seeking loving, trustworthy relationships elsewhere, not only with mothers.
  • Affirms: Not everyone is meant to “have mother as the end all, be all if it's not healthy and loving.”

• On the “fantasy” of a perfect mother:

  “The fantasy does not serve you. The fantasy will keep you from healing. The fantasy is your underdeveloped ego. It is the child in you.” (27:57)

• Reassures listeners: You are the “love of your life” regardless of maternal relationship status.

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Closing Encouragement and Calls to Action

[28:50–31:07]

• “Be extra good to yourself this week, right? You are not responsible for how anybody feels. You have no duty or obligation to do any of that. Your responsibility is to you.” (29:14)
• Jennifer invites listeners to her upcoming group class "Resolve" and encourages question submissions for an audience Q&A episode.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Disconnect from a lot of the social media because you know, it's going to be every month, everybody got the best mother. I want to thank my mother… Even though some of them folks is lying, that's what you don't realize. I know, because I see their posts, and then I also have them in my DMs talking about how their mother said something that crushed them.”
  — Jennifer Arniece (07:44)

• “Healing is about disappointing people, right? Because you have made a choice not to abandon yourself…”
  — Jennifer Arniece (17:08)

• “Don't go in there all phony like, ‘this is the mom, you've been the best and you didn’t. Do not tell that Hallmark story if it's not true, because it's going to bite you in the fucking ass, okay?’”
  — Jennifer Arniece (18:44)

• “Celebrate yourself. Because you made her a mother. You made her a mother for you, right? And celebrate the mother that you are to yourself.”
  — Jennifer Arniece (20:40)

• “You are the love of your life. It's not her. It's not anybody. Even if you had the best mother in the world, you still have to be the one who is the love of your life, who is the source for you, right?”
  — Jennifer Arniece (28:23)

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Key Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment / Discussion Point | | ------------ | --------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 03:19–04:55 | Community gratitude and personal context | | 04:55–08:40 | Mother’s Day and the impact of marketing & social media | | 08:40–12:55 | Emotional honesty and preparing for Mother’s Day | | 16:44–20:10 | Contact with mothers; boundary setting; authenticity vs. faking emotions | | 20:10–25:23 | Radical self-celebration and redefining Mother’s Day | | 25:23–28:50 | Releasing shame and the myth of the perfect or “Hallmark” mother | | 28:50–31:07 | Closing affirmation, self-prioritization, and ways to engage with the show |

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Tone and Language

Jennifer's warm, grounded, and nurturing tone is consistent throughout—balancing gentle accountability with encouragement, humor, and real talk. She uses direct and affirming language, with memorable, relatable turns of phrase drawn from her own life and her counseling work.

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Summary Takeaways

• You are allowed and encouraged to center yourself on Mother’s Day, regardless of your relationship with your mother.
• Emotional honesty, self-compassion, and boundary setting are key to healing the mother wound.
• Reject external pressure—especially from social media or family—to fulfill inauthentic expectations.
• Reparenting and celebrating yourself are radical, worthwhile acts of healing.
• You are not obligated to anyone else’s vision of the holiday; your only responsibility is to the “little girl inside of you.”
• You are not alone in your feelings or your experience. Healing is possible and communal.

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For more on this topic, resources, and community, visit Jennifer’s Instagram @BlackMotherWound and see show notes for the Mother Wound Healing Guide.

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Transcript

[Jennifer Arniece]

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This is Jana Kramer from Wind down with Jana Kramer. Every Mother's Day I tell myself I'm going to be more thoughtful than flowers because flowers are beautiful. But they don't last. In my house, everyone always ends up in the kitchen. Friends, family, the kids. And I love having things around that spark conversation and feel special. That's why I love the Lenox Spice Village. And your mom will too. It's a set of 24 hand painted little houses that are actually spice jars. And I swear people notice it the second they walk in. It's charming, it's nostalgic, and it somehow makes even everyday cooking feel a little more fun. And here's the best part. It actually gets used every day. Whether you're starting the full set or helping her complete one she's loved for years, there's a whole world of Spice Village to explore this Mother's Day. Give her something she'll treasure long after the card is put away. Trust me, once you see it, you'll want one, too. Find the full [e-mail] Spice Village the

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[Jennifer Arniece]

Don't go in there all phony like this is the mom. You've been the best and you didn't. Do not tell that Hallmark story if it's not true, because it's gonna bite you in the fucking ass. Welcome to the Black Mother Wound Podcast, where we center the stories of black women as we heal from the painful relationships with our mothers. Welcome to the Black Mother Wound Podcast. I'm your host, Jennifer Arniece. Welcome back, y'. All. What's happening? Happy Tuesday. I hope everyone is doing well today. Let me start off by thanking everyone for all of the congratulations from last week when I told you all that I won the picture podcast contest on with Black Effect Podcast Network. Thank you all so much. Like y' all know, I had to tell y' all because we really are in this all together. You know what I'm saying? And I couldn't have done it without this community in the way y' all support me and y' all pour into me. I'm not gonna cry in the first minute of the podcast, but I really do want to thank all of y'. All. I really do appreciate you. I'm usually better. I responded to comments, so everybody who left a comment, thank you. It has been so busy since I have been back just with my my own life child, you know, when you leave home, when I leave home for two or three days and I miss a weekend, it's like, oh Lord, all these things I need to do. And during the week I already have a lot to do. But anyway, I appreciate y' all very much. This episode is going to air the Tuesday before Mother's Day. And so that's what we're going to talk about. I was going to try and figure out a smooth way to come into it, but I was like, there's really no way. And I have some notes on my phone to kind of help me stay grounded and focused in this conversation. It has been a couple of years since I've done a mother wound podcast. I've only done one, and I think that was, like, maybe 2022, 2023. Because when mother. Mother's Day comes, I just drop off, you know, and it's not because I'm sad. It is because I am tending to myself, and I'm celebrating Mother's Day, right? Like, I have de centered the relationship with my mother for Mother's Day and have centered me as a mother. And so I have trained myself to celebrate that and to pay attention to that and to pay less attention to the grief in the morning. Now I know everybody is not there. And y' all know I've been doing this work a long time, and I wanted to. You know, I know I'd be giving y' all a lot of work to do. It's like, you need to do this, and you got to get this. And this week, I really just want to give you a hug. Like, I want to talk about how you can manage yourself on Sunday, manage your emotions on Sunday, manage people's expectations. You know, what might be coming up for you as this holiday, which is, like, I think it's like Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother's Day, I think that's like. Like the. The. The order of importance of American holidays. So it's a really big deal, and I know it is. It can be triggering. It can be sad. And I don't want y' all to be sad, and I know I can't. I can't control that. So we're just going to talk about a few things today. What I did was I just, like, wrote questions based off of conversations I have with people in this community, my students and my clients. And the first thing I want to say is be honest with yourself. Like, be honest about how you feel. It's interesting because some of us, if we've never grown up, and maybe this. This might be, you know, my saving grace when it comes to Mother's Day. One, if you grew up in a household where you didn't really celebrate a lot of holidays, that was me. Like, we didn't do Christmas. We did Thanksgiving because that was food. But we didn't do Christmas, Halloween. We do no Easter Bunny. And all that type of sh. We didn't do birthdays. We weren't even Jehovah's Witness. That was just Pentecostal, Christian, Pentecostal, Church of God, holiness, praise God. But we didn't celebrate holidays. So there was never a big push for Mother's Day. And I don't think my mother ever celebrated it with her mother. You know what I mean? So it was never like, I never heard her say, like, oh, is Mother's Day coming up? Let me do something for my mother. That wasn't a thing. And because me and my mother weren't close, I never was, like, super. It never was a super big thing for me. Right. I think when I became. I don't even think I probably was cognizant of Mother's Day until maybe I went to college, I started working, and I wanted to get her Mother's Day cards and buy her stuff for Mother's Day, But I don't even remember Mother's Day as a kid, Right? So it's really interesting because. And I'm saying this to say marketing and branding will tell you a story, okay? And you will take on that story as your own. And you will not know the difference between what you feel and what the world and media and society is telling you to feel. And one of the best things you can do, of course, is disconnect from a lot of the social media because you know, it's going to be every month, everybody got the best mother. I want to thank my mother. My mother. My mother. My mother. My mother. My mother. On social, on Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, you know, even though some of them folks is lying, that's what you don't realize. I know, because I see their posts, and then I also have them in my DMs talking about how their mother said something that crushed them. And they're trying to do this and do that, but they're stuck in the mother. The Mother's Day matrix is what I call it. And if you can really get clear about how you feel and how you've been feeling, when Sunday comes, you can hold on to that feeling, right? So if today is Tuesday, Mother's Day is on Sunday. What I want you to be doing today, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, is mining for good feelings, finding things that you appreciate about yourself and about your life and about the community you're in and people that care about you. And I want you to focus on that. I don't want you to focus on what's about to happen on Sunday. And Healing really is about taking back control of your own mind, right? Because so much of what you have come to believe isn't based off of you. It's a. It's based off of how. How you perceive the world and how you want the world to perceive you. And then you shape your mind around that. I'm gonna say that again. So much of what you believe and even what you feel is around how you perceive the world and how you want to be perceived by the world. And healing your mother wound is about autonomy, and it's about the individuation process. It's about being defined internally by you and by you only, right? And I said I wasn't gonna give y' all any work to do, but I guess this does feel like a little bit of homework. But it's good homework, right? And I want you to do it. I don't want you to be mining for appreciation and good feelings because Mother's Day is coming and you need an emotional buffer. This is how I want you to be living your life on a regular. This is how you need to be living your life every day. This needs to become your habit, like brushing your teeth and putting deodorant on, right? And it's very important. Okay? So that's one thing. So what else do I want you to know? Listen, we. We got mining for good feelings so you can be honest about how you feel, right? But you get to create your feelings. You get to create your feelings. And this is the other thing. If you are genuinely sad this week, if you are genuinely sad on Sunday, then let yourself be sad. Don't just switch it off and say, jennifer said to be happy today. No, if you're sad, be sad. There's nothing wrong with that. And it's not something for you to be ashamed of. And then if you are sad, if you are feeling down. Here we go again. How do you console yourself in that, right? Are you going to take yourself out to eat or you going to order in? Are you going to stay in the bed and binge watch Insecure, right? The whole season, Game of Thrones. Like, what are you going to do in order to soothe the inner little child in you, right? Because you don't have to just suck it up and you don't have to. I don't want you all to punish yourself, right? And go through this thing of, you know, I don't have a mother. This is the worst day of the year for me, and she wasn't there for me. And no one else is going to be there for me. And you use it as a way to like emotionally dump on yourself because you don't deserve that. Don't think about it from the adult perspective. Think about it from the little girl perspective. Like, how would you want her to feel on a day where she feels alone? What would you want to do with her? You know, how would you want to treat her that day? Right. So I. That's how I want you to look at it. Okay.

[Jana Kramer]

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[Jennifer Arniece]

What else do we have here? I already said don't go on social media if kids. That's all I'm gonna say. Because I'm not really on there on Sundays either. I'm not really on social media a lot on the weekends anyway. But when Mother's Day comes, it's like St. Patrick's Day. This is not my thing. I'm not white, I'm not Irish. I don't really drink. It's not for me right now. This is for folks who are still in contact with their mother. I wrote here, should you reach out to her? Some of you all are in, like, this thing. Like, am I going to say something to her? Am I going to call her? Am I going to take her out? Am I going to send her something? Do what you want to do, right? Healing is about disappointing people, right? Because you have made a choice not to abandon yourself, it can make you feel like you are guilty. It doesn't mean you are guilty. You can just feel that you are guilty. And I want you to know how to console yourself with that feeling also, right? Because there's also going to be a part of you that. That is like, yes, finally, like, I took a stand. For some of you, this might be your norm. You don't call, you don't text, you don't send anything. They already know. But if you're in that transition period, right, and you habitually have been showing up for holidays, birthdays, things of that nature, and you like, I don't want to, then don't. And if you're at a point where you don't want to, but you feel like you have to, like, you're not ready. You don't have it in you yet. You don't have the. I don't even want to use the word courage. You're just not to that phase yet where you're, you're.

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[Jennifer Arniece]

You're not about. You're not that bold yet, right? This is what I will say. Temper it. Don't go in there all phony like, this is the mom. You've been the best and you didn't. Do not tell that Hallmark story if it's not true, because it's going to bite you in the fucking ass, okay? I mean, like, hard. Don't do that because you're going to. It's going to blow back on you emotionally, right? If you're going to get. You feel like I'm going to get her a card, don't get a car telling her she's the best mom in the world. If you don't believe that's who she is, get a simple. I hope you have a great day. Happy Mother's Day. Sign Juanita. Like, you know what I mean? Like, there is. There's layers to this, right? You might say, you know what we all do? Go to church on Sunday, or we go to her house. And I'm not to a space where I just can't do that. I don't have it yet. I can't take the pressure of it. Then guess what? Set a time limit. Be like, you know what? I'm gonna be there for an hour and a half. Go ahead and let everybody know. I'm not gonna be there all day. I've got somewhere to go. This is a great way to still practice showing up for yourself, advocating for yourself, setting boundaries without completely cutting everything off because everybody's not there right now, right? So I want you to think about what those options are so you don't abandon yourself this weekend. Okay? What else do I have on here? This is one what I wrote. I said, how do I celebrate myself? She wouldn't be a mother without me. I love that one. Celebrate yourself, right? Celebrate yourself. Make plans for yourself. Self Celebrate yourself. Because you made her a mother. You made her a mother for you, right? And celebrate the mother that you are to yourself. I think that's the biggest thing. It's like, celebrate her in this reparenting process. It's hard being a mother in real life, and it's hard being a mother to yourself in the reparenting process. Celebrate her. This is. It's okay for you to redefine what this day means for you. It's okay for you to redefine what it means for you. This again, this really is all about the autonomy building process. It is really about changing your self perception, right? And you want to perceive yourself as someone who does things that are good for you. You want to perceive yourself as someone who takes care of you, who puts you first, who values your feelings, your emotions, and how you're treated, right? And the only way you can really establish that self perception is with practice. And I keep saying, I didn't have no work for y' all to do this weekend, but I guess this is work still. But I think it's good work. I want you to know this is not your fault. And I don't want you to feel shame. Will tell you that you're the only one. Like, everybody has a. A great Mother, except me. I'm, you know, even if you see her having a good relationship with your siblings and it's like, why me? Don't get stuck in the why, okay? Because it's not your fault. And it's not about why it's happening. It is about being there and supporting yourself and knowing how it impacts you. And that's not only Mother's Day. Like everything I'm talking about for Mother's Day, these are things I want you to use all the time. These are not like one offs. This is the. I'm talking about the same shit I talk about every week. Everything I talk about in class, everything I talk about my clients. It's all the same, okay? And it is vital that you stay on track with your own reparenting process this week. It is vital that you find people that you can be honest and vulnerable and tender with. It is crucial that you create a space where you are the center of it and you are a priority. And that's all the time. I'm just reiterating these things because. Because it is Mother's Day and it can be a really hard day for a lot of women. A lot of men, too, right? So I know I have some men listeners. It can be hard for all of us, men and women. But it's not your fault. There's nothing that you need to do. You are not on the outside. You are not like, well, everybody has a good relationship with their mother except me. And I just. I just want a good relationship with my mother. And this reminds me of that. No relationship is more important than the one you have with yourself. And after that, you just want to have loving relationships. You want to be with people who you can trust and can trust you, right? Who believe in you, who are there for you. It doesn't have to be her. And sometimes I feel so harsh when I say that because I'm not trying to minimize the role of mother, and I definitely am not trying to minimize the role of a healthy, loving mother. Because me being a healthy, loving mother to my son is the number one job. It's the most important thing I will ever do in this life. Right? But I don't want you to center having a mother as the end all, be all if it's not healthy and loving it. This job. For me, being a healthy and loving mother is important because I want him to be able to pick out and see and recognize other loving and supportive people in the world. Right? I'm just here to set an example. So when he goes out in the world. He can see that, okay, it's not for my own benefit. It's not so he can say I'm the most important person in his life forever. And it's so he can go out in the world and find that in other people. I don't want to be the only person that he loves. I don't want to be the only person that loves him. Right? I want him to leave and individuate and break off and become his own person. Not saying he won't have love for me and love me. We have this close relationship, but that's not the point of it, right? So the point is to have a healthy, loving mother, not just somebody who is mother that we can create a fantasy around. Because the fantasy does not serve you. The fantasy will keep you from healing. The fantasy is your underdeveloped ego. It is the child in you, right, who thinks that they can control things. That if I'm good enough, if I say this enough, if I pray hard enough, like, she will change because she is my source. See? She is my emotional source. She is my mental source. She is like. She is how I am able to perceive myself, which is through her. So I need her to be loving and kind and gracious and patient and compassionate so I can know that I deserve it. And that is not true. Okay? You have to be able to give that to yourself. And the role of a healthy, loving mother is to give that to yourself, give that to you so you could keep building it. And that's why reparenting is so important, because that now becomes your job. You are your mother right now. And I don't want to say that from a space of like. And I say this all the time. Like, that's not second best. It's not second prize. It's not, oh, well, okay. You know, like. Well, it shouldn't have to be that way. I disagree with that. I don't believe that. Oh, it should be that. You should have a mother. You should have. There is no should. You have what you have, right? And as long as you're living in should and shouldn't all over yourself, you. You're going to keep yourself from healing, growing, and becoming the version of you that you know is there inside of you, right? You're losing power when you do that. So you just have to know that you are the love of your life. It's not her. It's not anybody. Even if you had the best mother in the world, you still have to be the one who is the love of your life, who is the source for you, right? So that's pretty much what I want to tell y' all today. I didn't, you know, usually it's kind of a little more organized and. Well, maybe not. I don't know. But anyway, I think you get the message. What do I tell you at the end of these episodes? Be good to yourself. Be extra good to yourself this week, right? You are not responsible for how anybody feels. You're not not responsible for making somebody think that they are loved and they're great. And you have a duty and an obligation to show up this Sunday. You have no duty or obligation to do any of that. Your responsibility is to you. That's who your responsibility is to. And to the little girl inside of you. When you look at it like that, it becomes very clear, okay, I love you all deeply, deeply, deeply and dearly. Resolve doors are open. I'm going to put a link in the show notes and in the YouTube description so you can click, click there and sign up. Class starts May 15. It's Thursday, 6 Thursdays, 7:30pm Eastern. It's an amazing time. It's gonna be. It's gonna be a party. You know what I'm saying? If anybody who's been on, you know who. Anybody listening who's been. Who's been my student in resolve knows we laugh, we cry, we kiki. We love on each other and it's just such an amazing time. And we come away not the same, right? We come away just so, so different. And I love that so, so much. Right? So there's going to be a link for that. I'm also going to put a link in there because I want to do an episode where I'm just answering questions, right? I don't think it'll be like a question equals a whole episode, but it's like answering audience questions. So I would like to do that. I think that would be really cool, right? It's like a little Fireside Chat situation. So there'll be a link there for like, you can fill out what your question is. And you don't have to put like your email or your name. It's anonymous. It's just whatever your question is. And I'm just going to go through and answer and give my two cents, right? And it can be about healing your mother wound. It can be about healing in general. Growing, loving, parenting, all the. All the different things that we talk about, right? So just ask whatever the question is. Okay, I'll see y' all next week. Be good to yourself. Be extra, extra, extra good to yourself this week, okay? Don't play with me and I'll see y' all later. Bye. Thank you for listening to the Black Mother Wound Podcast. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and make sure you comment, subscribe and rate the show. You can keep the conversation going over on IG at Black Mother Wound and click the link in the show notes to download the free Mother Wound Healing Guide. See you next week.

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