← The Broski Report with Brittany Broski
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Brittany Broski
Foreign Direct from the Broski Nation headquarters in Los Angeles, California, this is the Broski Report with your host, Brittany Broski. God save a precious queen. Long live her Majesty. God save the supreme leader. Hey. One, two, three, eyes on me. Thank you, Silent Coyote. This is Power Hour with Brittany Broski on the Broski report tonight at 10. Experts claim lymphatic drainage is the key to a youthful glow. We have an expert here, Dr. Broski tonight to teach us a bit about it. More at 10. Someone was accepted into Shiz University. But our nepotism claims at hand. More to come tonight. So we're letting the children, the youth of tomorrow play this game. We're fucked. We're that purple Enderman guy who killed the kids and was in the rabbit shoot. They're going to play this game and go on to vote for America in future. Me. Dude, I'm also going to tell you right now. What am I sipping on? We're simple. Listen to that. Yeah. I will not be crazy this time. You will not make me crazy. When you start to think maybe men are extremely loud. Incorrect buzzer. Introducing the guillotine into the Broski Nation sort of military industrial complex as a form of punishment and torture that is accepted by the government. Government being me. Okay, we are now going to implement first of all, Poitou Me Moncur by Celine Dion gets played. As you're being your. Your peanuts is being jerked and chopped by the guillotine. Okay. It's actually going to be a law change. When your peanuts is getting jerked, do you moan? Oh, he makes me really laugh. Like genuinely laugh. Oh, what the. Oh God. That is so nasty. That is so wretched and vile. See? What the hell is this? Do mermaids exist? Scientists begin tests on a 300 year old. What? Mummified body to uncover the mystery. That's what I'm talking about. Oh, look at her. She's gorgeous. And she's in a skim strapless bra. Oh, look at her. She is beautiful. She's in a skims. Oh my God. K, you did not tell me you were passing through here. What are you doing? You are crazy. Well, no, I can't talk. No, I would love to hear. No, no, don't. Stop the car. Okay. Stop the car. We. No, I'm headed to Santa Monica. Ye. I'm doing. You know, bro. Yes, yes. And her pot. Yes. So that actually comes out tomorrow. I'm the first episode. Oh, call me. You are too sweet. Kk. We like to call her kk. Kkh. Kamala Kardashian. If you will. We like to call her that, too. I said, Kamala, you are so sweet. No, please. I have to go. I really can't stay another minute. I've got to hit the road. Yeah, y'all were blocking traffic. Y'all were crazy over there. Okay, Besitos. Bye. KK can we be serious for one minute? I need everyone at their battle stations. I need people in the situation room. I need people manning the forts. You are not on program. ID please, sir. Bam. Zap. Wow. Leaky sea smoke. Oh. I could have slayed as a brain dead housewife. I would have worn one of those little. The. The. The big butt dresses. And I would have had one of those fancy little fascinator hats. And I would have had just mercury lead in my mouth, just oozing, drooling all over my chest. Okay? And I would have been wed off to some fat ugly man. But he would have been rich. And I would have gossiped with my girls. I would have ate sweat sweets. Those are the just sweetest sugar. The Coca cola had cocaine in it, dude. I would have been living high and mighty. Take me back. Take me back to 1893. I really would have slayed. Like. It really would have been a moment. Would I have smelled like puss? Yeah. Would I smell like puss? Well, yeah. What's wrong? Hold on. Wait. What's wrong? Everyone smelled like puss. No. Come back. Where are you going? Wait. Where are you going? Oh, it's me. I smell like puss. Oh, sorry. Stop talking. Shut the fuck up. Execution by horses. Tying each of the victim's limbs to a different horse and then driving the horses in four different directions. You know, that. That ASMR was crazy. Damn. King Edward had some crazy asmr. Sorry. Excusion by hanging. Hanging the victim, disemboweling them while they're still alive, and then beheading and dismembering them. Oh, right. Oh, holy fuck. Oh, Jesus Christ. Quarter oh. Oh. Quarter oh literally means cutting the person's body into four parts or quarters. Oh, right. I'm done yelling. That's annoying. Fall in line, soldier. How fucking hard is it to pick up WhatsApp and double tap a message? Shut up. Would you look Sylvia Plath in the eye and tell her to not be depressed? It's not always about you. It's not about you all the time. Is that okay? It's not about you. Holy fuck. Zooby zooby zoo. I'm cleaning my ass crack. Zooby zooby zoo. Dandruffin under my nails. Zooby zooby zoo. Oh, a new ingrown hair. Zooby zooby zoo. Ew. There was a big fly that just. That wasn't a fly. That was like a moth. Did you see that in the video? That was a huge bug. Ew. It's on the desk. What do I do? Okay. All right. There's been a murder. The first murder of the Broski Report. We come to you live tonight to report the sudden and gruesome murder of a bug that flew towards my face. And now its carcass is forever going to be on that desk because I'm not going to clean that up. I do not miss corporate America, but the tea we would get sometimes, girl, I miss having co workers. I will say that my co workers and I, we were like this. Damn. We were like this. Because that's trauma bonding, bitch. Say one more time, like, can you speak. Speak normal. Speak like an educated adult when you can. I like when you. Easter is when the bunny. Everyone knows the bunny, of course, the Christ bunny knocked on the tomb three times, okay? He said. He said, knock, knock, knock. Jesus opened the door and he said, we're not doing Girl Scout cookies right now, okay? I'm not interested in buying them. It's Girl Scout cookie season. Please. Like, I'm trying to rest. We're doing the, you know, like, three days of eternal rest. And then he became the Messiah, okay? Now, when the bunny knocked on the tombstone door, that is when the peeps came out, okay? Jesus kind of rolled the tomb away. He. He rolled the big rock, the pe. Came out, okay? And then when Jesus was like, please don't bother me. Like, seriously. I said, leave the doordash in front of the tomb stone, okay? I can't do, like, hand to hand contact right now. Like, I'm doing strictly no contact. Like, it's a whole thing, okay? It's a whole process between me and my heavenly father, but also, I'm the heavenly father, okay? Now this is Jesus talking. And so the bunny was there with the doordash and the peeps ran out and he was like, well, what the fuck am I supposed to. And so Jesus slammed the dome, the tomb shut. And the bunny was like, oh, my God. What am I supposed to do with all these chocolate eggs, okay? The peeps are on the floor. He scoops them up and he goes, this is something. Okay? This is something that we can work with here. What if. And then, of course, he starts. He's kind of, like, looking up at the sun, maybe he goes, to sit down on like a log stump. And he's holding the peeps, he's holding the little chickens. And he's like, what if these old fuckers were made of marshmallow? And then everyone around him was like, what is a marshmallow? He's like, yeah, marshmallow. Marshmallow. Isn't marshmallow made up of, like, horse bones? If you rendered the perfect human face, like through AI, I know, I'm just about really close to that. Guys, seriously, it is me. I'm a real human. I have flaws. It's hard to think of one right now, but I will get back to you on that. We will loop back, sort of circle back, bumping this up in the inbox. No pressure, absolutely no pressure. But I do need this address by eod. End of day. Okay. Make the voices stop. Make the voices stop. Make the voices stop. Room reveal. Is he 60? Maybe. Doesn't matter. That will not stop me. I don't care. Oh, my God. Tumblr rotted my brain in ways that I'm still trying to figure out the last hundred pages. My asshole was clenched. I was, I was. If I was casting a law, a live action movie about my life, it would be Nicholas Cage to play me. He would be in drag. Robert Grew, also known as the Bald Terror. That's what they call me as well. Oh, my God, of course. Painter. If I was a painter way back when, I would have painted that. Look at the way that. That moves. The Red Bull kicked in. I just realized me, like, look at the way the light hits this Amazon Roman packaging. I really understand painters. I could have painted, hey, the Red Bull just kicked in. Here's what's going on. I'm talking about the Hubble telescope, okay? And I've got a question. Because you obviously have spent an excessive amount of time in the air, you probably know some things about the atmosphere and how it works. The telescope is on a. It's on the space station about 300 miles above Earth's surface. My question is, if there was a mushroom cloud, if there was an atomic bomb, if there was like a nuclear explosion, how far up do those usually go? And could you see it from the telescope? And would something like that affect the technology of the telescope? Well, that's several questions. I would say, what am I talking about? I say this all the time. I don't know how to, like, something normal. I don't know how to do that. Yeah, I have a screenshot of your parents home address. What am I. I'm supposed to not. I'm supposed to not know everything about you, dude. I'm supposed to not Google your grandma's name. Oh. Found your grandfather's obituary. Lust. Check. Gluttony. Check. Greed. Check. Sloth. Check. Wrath. Yeah. Wrath. Check. Envy. Yeah. Check. Pride. Check. We're seven for seven, team. All right. What'd you guys get on the seven deadly sins test? Did you guys pass? You have to have five or above to still be allowed in. Broski Nation. Broski Nation. At some point, I'm going to relocate outside of a popular air force base. And I am going to Yoo Hoo. Yoo hoo in my little Marilyn Monroe white dress. No undies. No undies. Okay, no undies. Maybe some spanx. Maybe some 3xL spanx underneath, but no undies. And I'm gonna yoo hoo right outside where they, like, check your id and I'm gonna say, where are the boys? Where are the young servicemen? I'm just a little German girl. And they'll be like, ma'am, you have got. There are, like, military vehicles coming through here. You need to get out of the way. Also, why don't you have underwear on? Why are you barefoot? Okay, Yoo. My handkerchief is shit stained. They're like, ma'am, you've got. You are in the way. Please. I'm dodging in between those little, like, the arms that come down to block the. They'll have the arm come down, they'll check your military id and then they'll let you on you. I jump it. I'm running. I go straight for the barracks. I go straight for the dorms. Okay, Yoo hoo, young gentlemen. Does anybody want me? I'm just a little German girl. They tackle me to the ground. My skirt comes up. No, no. My Spanx. My tan. Spanx. No, no. Don't make me go back. And then a young gentleman comes out of the barracks. Stop, Stop. That's my wife. She escaped. Are you. Oh, shit. They're outside. Yell, oh, they're outside. Yep. They have guns, huh? And ammo. Oh, there's a bomb. Oh, and anthrax. Okay. Oh, so they're mad. Okay, yeah. No. And I'll see you for dinner tonight too. Okay. Could you just, like, disarm the bomb? Okay, love you. Hang up. Okay, love you. Bye. Sorry. That was Sam Hartman. That's what Remy's whispering in my ear. Kill them. Kill them. Kill them. Burn them. And I say, shh, shh, shh. Remy, please. Who was Merriam Webster? Just how I've always thought that. It's fucked up that. There's a King James version of the Bible. Who was James? There's a Jimmy. There's a Mr. Beast version of the Bible. The Mr. Beast Bible. No, bro. Some of them are, like. They're fine to play with outside the package. Just be careful. Don't eat it. Okay. What about if I put it in my mouth? I'm not eating it. I'm just sucking on it a little bit. It's a waffle. You mean you don't want me to suck on it? Grow up. What sort of of. Of meat. What sort of vegetables would this dragon be ingesting after a long day of patrolling, flying around, you know, raising their young. Well, probably some like, because, you know, they can't swim. So what was on the land? People. They was eating people. Very interesting. And do we have any sort of understanding or theory, leading theory that these dragons were ever tamed by people? Hell, no. Hell, no. They would have eaten you like a damn Sunday roast. Get that shit on the barbecue. Flint, iron in the mouth. Poison sack dripping down there. Okay. I turned 27 this year. Y'all. Y'all, can you bow your heads in prayer with me really quick? Dear heavenly Father, I want to thank you for gathering all of us together with our eyes shut and heads bowed in prayer. I'd like to thank you for freeing me of the shackles of this Irishman. Lord, I thank you for looking over me, keeping your hand on my shoulder. When it comes to the Irish, the Irish are devil people. They're devilish folk. They are not to be trusted. Lord, I thank you for keeping your hand on me, over me, watching me. You led me out of the darkness and into the light. Amen, Church. Amen. Lord, I thank you so much for guiding me, guiding me away from the island of Ireland. I was so close. I was. Now I'm just doing Trump. I was so close. So close. Okay. This episode is sponsored by Stitch Fix. No stores, no crowds, no stress. Whether you're working on 20, 25 goals or just updating your wardrobe, Stitch Fix is here to help. I don't always have as much time as I'd like to pick out garments or style new looks. That's why I love having a Stitch Fix stylist. She just gets me. She sends me pieces that make me look and feel great and saves me time. No more stressing and sweating in a crowded, loud fitting room. Just time to focus on you and your vision. Stitch Fix understands your unique fit and style concerns and free shipping and returns make the whole process so easy. We're always changing, so our style should too. Stitch fix makes it simple to embrace your fit and style goals with confidence. I just give my stylist my size, style and budget preferences and she does the rest. I order boxes when I want, no subscription required, and she sends outfit recommendations and styling tips. I keep what I love and I send back the rest. It's so easy. My stylist sends personalized pieces and the fit is flawless. I don't know how she does it, y'all. Personalized styling for everyone. Get started today@stitchfix.com Broski that's stitchfix.com Broski this episode is sponsored by Hungryroot. When it comes to grocery shopping and meal planning, I am the world's number one loser. I travel so much, never have time to grocery shop, and I have such a specific diet. But that's all changed thanks to Hungryroot, my beautiful, lovely savior. Hungryroot is like having your own personal shopper and nutritionist all wrapped into one. They take care of the weekly grocery shopping, recommending healthy groceries and meals tailored to your tastes, nutrition preferences and health goals. It's high quality food for whatever your deal is. Gut friendly, gluten free or dairy free, high protein smoothies, kids snacks, sweets, ready to eat meals, salads, you name it, they got it. All of Hungry Roots recipes can be made in just 15 minutes or less. With over 15,000 recipes shipped each week, there's something for every taste and nutrition preference. All with no preservatives. They only source top quality meat and seafood free of hormones and antibiotics. I tried their grilled turkey, tenderloin and pesto grilled veggies. And let me tell you something, it was such a good filling meal to have in the middle of a busy day. Hungryroot also learns your preferences the more you use it, which is so nice. For recommendations, you're gonna love hungryroot as much as I do. Take advantage of this exclusive offer. For a limited time, get 40% off your first box. Plus get a free item in every box for Life, go to hungryroot.com Broski and use code Broski that's hungryroot.com Broski code Broski to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life hungryroot.com Broski code Broski want you three eyes on me. If you can hear me, clap twice. If you can hear me, clap three times. If you can hear me, sing BBL Dre Zee Baby Andre's day. Did you do it? Okay. I Am clinically delusional. I am clinically crazy. I think that we've sort of established that point. Okay, okay. Fucking relax. Calm down, Staley. Tucci, this is my formal invitation for you to come to my house, come to my kitchen, Watch me cook. Hamburger helper. Watch me cook the simplest of meals. And I want to sit down, and I want to watch you eat it. I'm gonna cook it. I'm gonna plate it just right. I'm gonna grab it with the tongs and, like, you know how they do it. And then I'm gonna garnish it with a fucking leaf of basil, and I'm gonna scoot it across the table to you on one of those rich people plates that's ceramic with the little lip on the end where it looks almost like a bowl, but it's a plate. I'm gonna scoot it across the table to you. I'm gonna flip my chef's towel on my shoulder, and I'm gonna sit here and make eye contact with you as you eat it. And I'm not gonna tell him. Than a tam. Burger helper. I'm gonna say, here we have a lovely pasta dish. This is a pasta dish made with free range organic turkey. Turkey meat that I have so beautifully and lovingly chopped with my own hands. Chopped, minced with garlic, basil. Right. Some various herbs. Thrown this into a pot together with a sort of cream base. Cream base with a little bit of natural cheese. Whipped that up, bring it to a boiling point. Let it simmer, let it solidify. I've taken this, and I've plated it on a beautiful signature Italian ceramic plate. And here it is, still warm. We've warmed the plate in the oven for you. Please be careful in touching it. Here is a fork. Please let us know how you enjoy it. And I want him to sit there, and I want his ass to lie and be like. A free range organic turkey, you said? Mm. Wow. No, I can taste it. I can taste it. Yeah. Mm. Oh, that is just delicious. You said this is. This is a family recipe? Yes. Yes, it is a family recipe. Yes, it is. Thank you. Good night. We're y'all cooking pigs feet and onions in there. Shit. Good night. Linda, were you cooking a turd in there? Put that fucking lid back on. I didn't know we were making turd stew. Linda, put that shit back on there. The whole opener window. This whole fucking kitchen smells like dog shit. That was actually, like, exhibit A of intrusive thought winning Connell. We were supposed to leave 15 minutes ago. Get your ass in that car. We've got to go. We don't have time to stop at Cane's anymore. I told you, if you want to stop at Cane's, we gotta leave 15 minutes early. That line is damn long. Get in the well. We don't have time. Oh, I don't give a shit that you're hungry. Hopefully they have Reese's Pieces at the town hall. Lord knows you took your sweet Tom. La la la la la la. I love Timothee Chalamet, by the way. By the way. I massive respect. I'll stay on a knee the whole time. I appreciate you. I don't want to assert anything. Anything at all. Can you say one time for me? Hail, Supreme Leader. Hail, Supreme Leader Broski. We are honored by your presence. Please leave us under the Christmas tree. Lots of presents. Hail, Supreme Leader Broski. Hail, Supreme Leader Broski. Hail, Supreme Leader Broski. Hail, Supreme Leader Broski. Thank you so much for the. For allowing me to have that nutrigrain bar when I got here. You're so welcome. I won't even charge you for it. May I get up? You can get up. And you know, it's a catch 22 that makes me want to kill myself. Men don't like funny women, okay? Because men hate women. Because men like men. Like I said, I'm feeling dirty. I smell like BO and my hair is a little greasy. So just sort of. Sort of walk with me there, okay? Christ would walk next to you and carry you when it gets too tough. I need y'all to carry me, okay? Y'all are Christ in this situation. Bible study begins now. Broski Nation Bible Study. Broski Nation Bible Study. That is Santa's involvement in Christmas Day. As we all know, he was there. He was in the manger. He was. He had the little elves in the manger. They were sort of running the guest list. So when the wise men and the donkeys, the asses, if you will, were all in that manger after, they were at the Holiday Inn, and Joseph and Mary were like, please look at my wife. She's, like, about to pop. And the Holiday Inn employee was like, okay, sir, can I see some id? Like, and he was like, I don't have an id. And they were like, well, have you stayed with us before? And, you know, Mary was like, oh, I've been here before. And Joseph was like, really? When were you here? She was like, oh, about nine months ago. And the receptionist is like, oh, right. The Holiday Inn Jerusalem, Bethlehem receptionist was like, I see what's going on here? Joseph's like, mary, I've never put my car down here. I've never even been to this Holiday Inn. I've never even been here on vacation. What the fuck were you doing here? And Mary was like, I. It was a work trip, you know, exactly nine months ago. And of course she was about to pop that night. My testicles and my balls are hanging out the bottom of my toga. I'm not fighting in the fighting pits. I am preaching on a marble stone staircase. Okay, when was the last time you played? Have you played with your friends? Have you played, like, I was about to say, played with yourself? Don't. Don't do that. Well, I mean, do. Just don't do it around me. There's mold growing in my fucking frontal cortex. And there's this fun little charm on it, guys. You can put it on your carry ons. You can put it to go. You can, I don't know, hang it over your bed like a baby cradle and play with it like a cat toy. There's so many things you could do. Get out of the pool. That's literally Mother nature to us. And we're like, I want to go four miles underwater. And then we do it and we come up and we're. There's nitrogen in my blood. There's nitrogen under my skin. There's bubbles under my skin. Mother Nature's like, told you, I told you to get out of the water or else what? I say, I'll give you a reason to cry. That's what mother nature said. She said, quit crying. I'll give you a reason to cry. And then she spanked me. She. She hit me on my breaches. Sorry, was that a screenshot of my home on Zillow? And you go, what? What's up? No, no, it was like a c. It was like a funny C edit of like us, you know, like, do you want to go on a date? No. No, no. Yeah, I got that. It was funny. I just. Was that a picture of my, my. I mean, it's not even my house. It's my parents house. Was my parents house on there? No. No. I know, my finger must have slipped. I'm house hunting right now. Yeah, I'm house hunting right now. I must have accidentally included it. Yeah, okay. Right, right. No, and I knew you were moving, but I just saw, you know, like I grew up in that house, so I would recognize it. I'm just kind of wondering like why it was in the edit, you know, just asking. And then that is when I block him, okay? You're asking too many fucking questions. What are you, the police? What are you the fucking police? Get out of my asshole. We had this whole back and forth about, like, first date ideas. I tie you to the railroad tracks and leave you there. And then he was like, that's a good one. First date idea. I. What did he say? I buy a gun and I shoot you. And I said, ooh, first date idea. We get in sensory deprivation tanks and drown each other. And he was like, ooh, that's good. That's good. Imagine having direct access to me, bitch. If I wasn't me and I was a young gentleman with a painter and I could talk to a woman like me, imagine not responding. Imagine being like, oh, she texted me, I'll get to it later. I could not imagine that. Oh, my sweet Lord. I do think, as an adult, like, an oral chew toy would be really, really nice. Why do babies have get to have all the fun? Babies get to gum the shit out of those. Those teething toys. I want to. Teeth. What if I'm teething? Don't look at her. She's teething. I hate getting dinner with Britney. She teeth before she eats. Teething is a treatment for. For Bing disorder. Oh, I got a chew on my microplastics. Dude. Teething. Teething as a 26 year old. Sorry, sorry. I'm teething. No, it's okay. It's okay. Not a lot of people understand it. Yes, it's part of my condition. What's your condition? My gums. What's wrong with your gums? Well, I just have to chew on stuff sometimes. Why? Because it feels good. Damn. Shit. What else? You want to know my bra size? Now we're down a fucking rabbit hole. Bear with me. I'll get out of this in a second. The frontal lobe. All right. The forebrain. The foreskin of the brain. And I do wonder, because Noel talked about this on the TMG podcast. If the human brain is actually the consistency of whipped butter, warm whipped butter, what would it taste like if it were to be, I don't know, salted, seasoned with a little lemon pepper, and smeared on a piece of toast? The frontal lobe. The brain foreskin, is for personality and emotions. Higher thinking skills like problem solving and controlling movement. The temporal lobe, sitting right under that, sort of like the taint ball sack. Frontal lobe helps process your hearing and other senses and helps with language and reading. So the ball sack helps you read. The parietal lobe. That's gonna be the sort of Crown. Okay, the crown. Tip of the forebrain penis. Oh, y'all. Shit. It's hot as fuck under this dragon mask. Fuck. Shut up. Oh, Napoleon. Wow. He would have loved that chalky taste of tubs. Have y'all seen that freaky ass kinky letter that he sent to Josephine, his woman, where he said, I return in three days, do not wash. That's crazy. He wanted that thing stinking like. Shut up. Shut up. That is ridiculous. Napoleon, letter to Josephine B. Oh, my God. Please don't wash. We'll arrive in three days. That is crazy. Even historians do agree that Napoleon didn't mean that Josephine shouldn't do the laundry. Freaky ass motherfucker. He liked it. Stinky devil man. Or actually, that's a real man. My sister had a baby and I took it over after she passed away, and the baby lost all its legs and arms and now it's just a stump. But I take care of it with my wife. And it's growing and it's fairly happy. And it's difficult because I'm working a second shift at the factory to put food on the table. But all the love I see in that little guy's face, it just makes it worth it in the end. True story. Broski Nation is expanding into space. Yes. Thank you. Thank you, guys. This has been years. Seriously, guys, stop. Thank you so much. You know, a lot of Broski Nation members are. Are very, very educated. And some of you are not. And that's okay, because that's what this podcast is for. I'm here to help. Okay? Let's consult the Oracle, Google, and I remember we had to write our own little macabre poems. And my teacher gave me a B. Okay, you don't know you're dealing with an actual published wattpad author bitch. That's like giving Ulysses a fucking C. That's like telling Mary Shelley Frankenstein's. Okay, you're crazy. I wrote Allure, the vampire Harry Styles fan fiction. The much loved, number one bestselling on Wattpad, Harry Styles vampire fan fiction allure. And you're gonna look at me and give me a B? That's like spitting in the face of Christ. This episode is sponsored by Mint Mobile. I love a great deal as much as the next guy, but I'm not gonna go full Karen mode just to save a few bucks. It's gotta be easy. No hoops, no bs. So when Mint Mobile said it was easy to get wireless for $15 a month with the purchase of a three month plan, I called them on it. Turns out it really is that easy to get wireless for $15 a month. The longest part of the process was the time I spent on hold waiting to break up with my old provider. To get started, go to mintmobile.com Broski. You'll see that right now all three month plans are only $15 a month, including the unlimited plan. All plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts. Find out how easy it is to switch to Mint mobile and get three months of premium wireless service for 15 bucks a month. To get this new customer offer and your new three month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com Broski that's mintmobile.com Broski cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com Broski $45 upfront payment required. Equivalent to $15 a month new customers on first three month plan only speed slower above 40 gigabyte on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. You motherfucker. You know, sometimes I zoom out of what I'm doing and I realize the people who comment, I don't like her. She's annoying. I get it. Where is Santa allowed to fly? What? Air zones? Okay, like, is he allowed in certain airspaces, like above Canada, above the United States? Will we shoot him down? And does he have security clearance to sort of be over the D.C. area? A lot of things don't really make sense. Santa Tracker, Nord. Santa Tracker. What? Do we have a microchip? Dude, do we have a fucking satellite on him? I have so many questions. Okay. Oh, my God. I didn't even tell you. So my plan is to move in next to a. Oh, yeah, this movie. Hold on. Go back. It is so fucking hard living in my brain for 30 minutes. Imagine trying to speak for an hour straight. What the fuck am I talking about? I had that moment about 36 different times throughout filming one of these. What the fuck am I talking about? What the fuck was I talking about? About you think that a villa dead is dead. The earth is just a dead thing you can claim. But I know every rock and tree and creature has a life, has a spirit, has a name. My very educated mother just served us. Okay, now see, they fucking changed this bullshit because they. They are rewriting history in front of us. Sheeple. Wake up, sheeple. They said Pluto's not a planet. They Rewrote history. The moon and the sun are, like, having a domestic spat. I really don't know what's going on. You astrology, you have got to explain it to me. Because the. It's Mercury retrograde, but that shit happens like 17 times a year. I don't know. I don't know about Mercury, okay? Mercury has to do some really intensive therapy. And I don't just mean therapy. I mean like cognitive behavioral therapy. We gotta get Mercury, like in pt, okay? We got to get Mercury in one of those pools where old people are, like, in pools, man. Some really intensive mental and physical therapy is needed because. What the fuck is going on? I went to the pretty girl convention and you were not invited. I went to the pretty girl convention and you got denied access, bro. They did not let me in at the door. They said I didn't have the right credentials at the door. Please, can you text your manager to let us in, bro, please. I had a ticket, but they took it back to Red Bull. God damn. Can I fuck read? Like, stay focused. God damn. Like, I'm. I know y'all are pissed off as the viewers. I'm annoyed. Can you. I've got like 18,000 tabs open. I'm tweaking. I'm playing with my stim toy over here. I'm like, oh, the Red Bull can. The Red Bull can shut the up. What am I. I don't even know what I was going to talk about today. God damn. And so I was talking to all team Green talent, which of course you and Mitchell and all the rest of the team Green cast. And at the beginning, they had me and Teffy sort of banter back and forth, just, you know, ah, some rivalry, like, yeah, team, my team's better than yours. Nuh. And then me and Teffy start kissing, that sort of thing. And in it I said something like, well, we have the largest dragon, okay? Cause his name. And I said his. I said, and his name is Vhagar. Well, girl, they posted that clip, okay? And the Game of Thrones dorks came for me because Veigar is a woman, okay? And because, of course, the biggest, baddest, scariest dragon in the land is a woman in the moment. I got nervous and I said, he. Okay? I had misgendered Vhagar to the general populace. And I'd like to come on camera and apologize for doing that because I did not mean to do that, okay? And I. From the bottom of my heart, I did not mean to miss gender Vegar, okay? I'm I'm not seeing any lip action. I wasn't. I wasn't checking out the genitalia on the CGI dragon. And for that, can't apologize enough. Okay? So all that being said, I checked the comments under that video and people were like telling me to kill myself because I misgendered fake dork. You know what I mean? Like, I love this shit so much, but like, dork, sometimes you just gotta do that. You just gotta call people online dorks and that's okay. Again, I apologize. I apologize I misgendered the dragon. But you're a freaking dork for pointing it out, okay? I'm normal. And anyone who says otherwise is a fucking liar and a hater. Can I fucking talk? Jesus Christ. Fucking reboot. Put it in right. Shut the fuck up. Come on. One more time. I'll flash that badge. I'm a flash this badge. Don't look at it too deep. Badge. Don't look at it too closely. Okay? You want to know something? We did a production of Annie in middle school. I didn't even get cast. I applied. I didn't even get cast. I got cut. Like, everyone was in it. I got cut. Fuck you, bitches. And in high school theater, I did Spam a lot. I did the Addams Family. They always made me cross dress or dress up as some old woman. We did Bus Stop for a one act play. The fucking director made me be an old woman in the Addams Family. I was the grandmother in Spamalot. I was a knight. I was actually four different knights. I had the most costume changes of anyone in the fucking play because they had me play four different men. Girl, are you not entertained? Halt. Stop right there. Those who stand before me, prepare to die. Right? This feels so natural in my hand. Now let one more Irishman fuck on me. Nuke. Nukes. Bomb them. Bomb them. Keep bombing them. Bomb them again. When I go home. When I go home. Ole. Ole. Ole. Ole. Ole. Ole. Ole. Ole. Ole. Ole. Ole. Ole. Skimitabitabooly. Your hands are so dainty and frail. Please put down the mug. You don't have to wash it. And I say, guys, guys, let me do this. I've always thought I have my father's hands because guess what? I do. These are the hands of a blue collar man. Okay? My hands look like this. So hers can look like this. But it's just that chicken foot with the painted nails. It's a chicken foot with three talons and red painted nails. My hands look like my father's so hers can look like that. And I'm going to show up in a nun costume and levitate above the crowd. I'm going to show up and be performing exorcisms for free. We go to the premiere and we do the carpet. And it's just one roaming photographer on the carpet. Cause they're waiting for the principal talent to get there. They don't give a fuck about influencers, because why would you? I don't either. Do you know what I mean? But I was invited, and I was like, I'll be my mom. And so we went. It was really fun. And we walked the car. It was just one guy with a fucking camera. He said, here, what's the name? And my publicist was like, brittany Broski. And he goes, okay, Takes one, count them, one photo. Thank you. So funny. I was like, oh, thank you, sir. Sir. Thank you. No, thank you. Because I've been on some carpets where it's Brady. Over here. Over here, here. You know what I mean? Like, House of the Dragon, that sort of thing. It's like, because you're the host and you're important for some of these carpets. It's like, what's your name? All right, move on. Next. Like, moving cattle. They were tagging cattle on this carpet. I was heifer number four. Oh, my God. I'm, like, shaking. I'm tweaking right now. I had, like, four cups coffee. Hey, guys, today I'm going to get my hemorrhoid cream from cvs. These men. These men are wrapped around my finger. They want me so bad. I saw a comment on the post that I put up on Instagram that was like, oh, my God, they all wanted you so bad. I was like, it's like swatting away flies. It's like swatting away fly. But, guys, stop. I'm working, guys, seriously, I'm working right now. If you could just, like, keep the flirty. Keep a flirtiness to a bare minimum, okay? To it to a skeletal minimum. My brain is just an empty. My skull has cobwebs inside of it. And it's just this small, little gooey like, shriveled brain. It's like, because of all the red 40, it's dyed red. Completely. It's. It's completely red. My brain is red and shriveled like a raisin. And it's got mosquito bites on it. I am not usually. I'm about to lie. I'm not one to objectify men. Hey, yeah, the. I am. Hey, that's this entire podcast. Look, me, I'm not one to objectify men. Okay, hey, I'm lying. I looked at this man, and I said, this must be what it feels like when a teen. This must be what it feels like when a teenage boy, like, opens a Playboy magazine for the first time. Like, opens it and does boy. Like, their jaw hits the floor and like, their tongue rolls out onto the floor, like, across the carpet. That's how I felt, dude. Like me drifting across the room with heart, eyes and my tongue on the floor, like towards a pie on the windowsill. That's how I felt. I looked at this far door and had just about fell out. And so that's this video that someone recorded from the Q and A. She uploaded it. And I. I saw it and I was like, that is so. Because, you know, when I'm answering the questions, I don't think about what do I look like? And I watched this video and I saw my own reaction and I was like, yeah, that's accurate. Yeah. And I do it again. That's real. They just don't see. They don't see. Yes. They don't know what I know. They don't know what I've discovered that the mermaids are very real. And not only are they real, but they speak to me. Yes, they speak to me. Whenever I'm in a body of water, I hear they whisper across the waves. They speak to me. I know they're real because they're in my mind. And everything in my mind is real. Y'all are dorks. Y'all are freaking dweebs. Y'all are dorks. And I love it. And I went on this date and I went to a guy's house, and I was like, can I go to the bathroom? Where's your bathroom? He was like, yeah. And I was like, thanks. He was making me a drink in the living room and I went in the bathroom. He had one of those, like, college dorm shower curtains that was too short for the shower. No liner, so it's like molded, moldy toilet beard hairs all over the sink. Toothpaste splash on the mirror. No soap, pubes on the sink as well. And no towel and no hot water. And I go, I gotta get the fuck outta here. So I literally, like, I hover, peed, ran my hands in the water, and I go, I gotta go, actually. And he was like, what the fuck? What do you mean? And I literally was like, it's nice to meet you. Bye. And I walked out. And he, like, walked out and followed me to my car. And he was like, dude, I Do. So I was like, no, I just forgot I had to be somewhere. It was really nice to meet you because at a certain point. What the fuck are you. Have some. So stand up. Stand up, bitch. I had. I looked at myself in the mirror and said, what are you doing? You just hover. Peed at a man's house because you didn't want to get his pubes on the back of your thighs. Oh, if I was a man and I didn't have to give a shit about. Imagine how free. Oh, God, how free they must feel be like, yeah, I got this hot bitch in my place. Yeah. You use the bathroom when she's in the bathroom, like, oh, God, she's having a full blown identity crisis in the bathroom because she's at your place because she agreed to come over. That was literally me. That's happened to me twice. I was like, oh, God. And I always fall for it too, because at least after college, like, at that point in my life, I was like, I'm just looking for conversation that isn't going to make me want to die. And so any witty man who could hold a semblance of a conversation with me, I was like, he's the one. And so he'd be like, you didn't come out to my. Yeah, let's go back to your place. Oh, there's roaches on the floor. I have to go. I have to go. Oh, my God. The clock struck midnight. I have to go. Midnight. The clock struck midnight. I have to go. The click to come. Midnight. So that's happened to me a few times and it will never happen to me again. Ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, xiao bam. I'll be honest, I didn't finish the Bible. It's on my dnf. It's on my. Do not finish. Okay. Did not finish the Bible. Lost interest. No enemies to lovers. Okay. Adam and Eve never make up. If the camera zoomed into my head really quick and, like, did one of those where it blasted through all my arteries and shit. You would see cogs spinning and you'd see little like. Like people working on a railroad in my mind. Like the shit's on fire and like, they're. They're revolting and, like, tearing down monuments like, that's all going on in my brain. Alimony and child support, bitch. What about our children? What about young Seamus? What about young Seamus O'Flanagan? You're not thinking about our boy. You're not thinking about our boy. I marry an Irishman and start speaking in an Irish accent, not how it works. You're not thinking about our boy Seamus O'Flanagan? His father used to work the field. Penelope's better than me because I. I would have been like, colin, get the away from me, man. I'm tripping for dance. No, bitch. That's my husband. Go. Where is the Hubble Space Telescope? This is just me Googling. Where is the Hubble? Have y'all ever been to see it? It's actually in space. Okay, so if you've been to see the Hubble Space Telescope, let's talk after, because what are you doing up in space? God. That's my Cassian. Literally. God. Oh, God. I'm knocking shit over. I start. When I start to get. Oh. That beat of sweat drips down my back, and I start just. I lose control of my hands, my phalanges, my appendages. They go off to the manger. The squad pulls up the wise men. All of the asses and the horses and the king's men. I honestly don't know if Jack and Jill made it that night. And I don't think that Rumplestiltskin was alive at the time. So I'm just trying to remember everyone who was in the manger at the time. Of course, we know that the wise men brought Frankenstein and Myr. Of course we know that the wise men brought Frankenstein and merp. Okay, the wise men showed up with some gifts, with some baby shower gifts for the inevitable birth of baby Jesus, of course. Tender and Mild Dunkin Honey barbecue. They showed up and they were like, we brought you a nice diptyque candle. It's Frankenstein scented. And we brought you some MERP gifts. They went to Spencer's beforehand. The Gag Shop. They went to Hot Topic and Spencer's. They got Jesus. Some truck nuts. They got Jesus. They got Jesus. One of those glasses that looks like. It looks like the 3D movie glasses, but it's got the little chain that dangles down, and it's got a mustache on it. Now, the worst drink I ever had in my life that is going to be ever clear. And Gatorade. And I went to a frat party at A and M, and they said, punch. Punch. Everclear. Everclear is like rubbing alcohol. Worse, Everclear is like jet fuel. That is lighter fluid. And you mixed it in a big, dirty Gatorade cooler with Gatorade, and there's flies floating on top. And you're talking about punch. Yeah, I had three cups. And, yeah, it's the drunkest I've ever been to date. That Shit was awful. Awful because I didn't know how much you're supposed to drink. I was 19. It was the first time I was drinking. I didn't drink in high school. Okay? And you couldn't go to the bars. And so when a scary white man says, here's a free drink. Hey, guess what? I had three. Never again in my life. We all have to learn. We all have to learn and trust and believe. I learned my lesson. I will never, ever clear. Oh, my God. I'm gonna gag thinking about it. Anyway, that was. I was so drunk, I was in front of the toilet that night talking about mommy. I called my mom and left her voice message and called her Mommy. That's how fucking bad it was. Mommy, help me, Mommy. That's insane. I can vote Mommy. Oh, God. The drunker I get, the more my accent comes out, apparently. But also, that was in between me mocking him. Of course, I have to mock British people when I'm around them. So all night I'm talking like this. I'm not even a fucking green T shirt. Darling, Darling. Hello, mate. We're three more. We're three more green T shirts. Thank you. So I'm yelling at the bartender. I'm yelling at him. I'm yelling at this guy. I'm. Oh, you fucking more stupid. I'm talking to him. I'm flirting with him all night. This dude, okay? I don't even remember his name. I wish I did. I'm flirting with him all night. We're at the bar. He's, like, touching my knee. He's like. He's. He's into it. He won. He wants a piece of the broski. He wanted a piece of the boski. Okay? He wanted a bite of Boski. And guess what? The diner was open that night. I want to have witty banter and then maybe meet up and then maybe we ghost each other. Okay? That's what I want. Maybe. Look. Looking for an adventure, partner? Adventure? What are you, Robin Hood? Oh, thank God. I fired my therapist. She is not going to be watching all this. Okay, back to the Goonies. Big monster. I start calling in literally every two days. I'm like, oh, my grandma's sick. Oh, I had food poisoning. Oh, my car broke down. It was something new every day. I was trying to get creative, and then my manager would be like, two more of these and you're fired. And I'm like, oh, I'm gonna be fired. Oh, I'll go work at Outback Steakhouse, bitch. And I'll make more money there. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I hate you. You're gonna get fired. Oh, good. Please, Donald Trump, if you can hear me, please fire me. Please fire me. Can't drink alcohol, but I can fight for my country. Ladies and gentlemen, God bless America. God bless our troops and gentlemen. Start your engines. That was me on Bas.