Dr. Josh and Christi Straub - Managing Conflict in Parenting - with Val Bure

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Candace Cameron Bure Podcast

Episode: Dr. Josh and Christy Straub - Managing Conflict in Parenting - with Val Bure
Release Date: January 9, 2025
Host: Candace Cameron Bure (CandyRock)
Guests: Dr. Josh Straub, Christy Straub, Val Bure

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Introduction: Navigating the Rollercoaster of Parenting and Marriage

In this engaging episode of The Candace Cameron Bure Podcast, host Candace Cameron Bure delves deep into the intricate dynamics of managing conflict within marriage and parenting. Joined by Dr. Josh Straub, Christy Straub, and Val Bure, the conversation revolves around maintaining a harmonious family environment while prioritizing the marital relationship amidst the challenges of raising children.

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The Impact of Parenthood on Marriage

Candace opens the discussion by reflecting on her own experience:
“Before we had kids, we were fine in our marriage. Like, our marriage was bliss. And then our greatest opponent came in.” (00:00)

Valeri Bure adds humorously,
“I mean, let’s be real.” (00:05)

This introduction sets the stage for exploring how parenthood introduces new dynamics and potential conflicts not present before children entered the family.

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Emotional Safety: The Hub of the Family Wheel

Candace emphasizes the concept of emotional safety as the central pillar of both marriage and parenting:
“Emotional safety is the hub of the wheel... what is going on within your spouse’s heart matters more than what’s going on between the two of you.” (02:02)

Referencing Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Healthy Couples Therapy, Candace underscores the importance of prioritizing a partner’s emotional well-being to foster a resilient and united family front.

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Maintaining a United Front in Parenting

Christy Straub shares their approach to parenting: “We’ve always parented as teammates.” (05:46)

Josh Straub elaborates on their strategy:
“I don’t want to do this in front of the kids because they need to understand that I’m behind your mom, like, 100 times.” (06:48)

This united stance ensures that even when disagreements arise, they are addressed privately, preventing children from feeling insecure or manipulating the situation.

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Communication Strategies: Building Understanding and Growth

Candace and the Straub family discuss various communication techniques that strengthen marital bonds:

• Regular Check-ins:
  “What was one positive feeling you had today? It was one uncomfortable feeling you had today.” (42:08)

• Dedicated Time Together:
  “Every night let’s just go out and sit on the swing. Even if it’s five minutes, but you don’t bring your phone out.” (36:47)

• Open Conversations:
  “We’re two individuals, and there has to be two voices there.” (51:00)

These practices encourage open dialogue, emotional expression, and mutual support, fostering deeper connections without relying solely on conflict-driven resolutions.

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Modeling Healthy Conflict Resolution for Children

Valeri shares insights on the long-term impact of their approach:
“It was about how we're creating this safe container under them to grow up in.” (20:41)

Christy adds how modeling respectful disagreement teaches children valuable life skills:
“To teach Natasha that you can be respectful and disagree as a woman.” (09:40)

By demonstrating effective conflict resolution, they provide their children with a blueprint for their future relationships, emphasizing respect, understanding, and teamwork.

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Handling Conflicts with In-Laws: Setting Boundaries with Grace

When addressing conflicts involving in-laws, the Straub family offers practical advice:

• Prioritize the Marriage:
  “Christy becomes my number one priority over my mom.” (53:03)
  Valeri adds,
  “We’re a team over here. Here are our boundaries.” (54:43)

• Honor and Empathize:
  “Understand where they’re coming from... Now I have a lot more rapport to be able to share.” (58:26)

• Create Opportunities for Mutual Respect:
  “Having them share stories of their childhood or principles they’re teaching our kids.” (57:11)

These strategies ensure that boundaries are respected while maintaining respectful and meaningful relationships with extended family.

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Overcoming Challenges: Staying Connected Amidst Busy Lives

Christy recounts their experience during the COVID lockdown:
“We couldn’t go anywhere, so we would sit by the fire and talk as a family and as a two of us.” (39:19)

Despite facing periods of strained communication, they emphasize persistence:
“We kept going. We pushed through it.” (41:29)

Valeri highlights the significance of consistent, daily interactions:
“Having your partner, having your friend with you... It’s unpacking the daily stuff so it’s not accumulating so much.” (45:04)

Their resilience showcases the importance of perseverance and adapting communication methods to maintain a strong marital bond.

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Practical Tips for Strengthening Marital Relationships

The Straub family shares actionable tips for couples striving to enhance their relationships:

• Dedicated Couple Time:
  “Sit on that porch swing. You go sit at the fire pit.” (44:03)

• Consistent Communication:
  “15 minutes a day... sharing emotions and feeling seen.” (42:08)

• Supporting Each Other’s Roles:
  “He’s my enforcer. You’re my enforcer.” (19:59)

• Verbal Affirmations:
  “I choose you.” (48:04)
  “You are my wife.” (48:04)

These practices promote intimacy, understanding, and mutual respect, essential for a thriving marriage.

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Addressing Listener Questions: Cultivating Healthy Marriages

Listener Laura asks about maintaining closeness without frequent conflicts. The Straub family responds by stressing the importance of ensuring that absence of conflict isn't due to one partner appeasing the other:
“Make sure that one person is not appeasing the other person in the context of the marriage.” (50:19)

Listener Christina inquires about handling conflicts with in-laws regarding parenting. The Straubs advise setting clear boundaries while honoring and empathizing with parents:
“We want to honor our parents... And once they feel understood, now I have a lot more rapport to be able to share.” (54:38)

Their responses highlight the balance between maintaining distinct family boundaries and fostering respectful relationships with extended family.

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Key Takeaways: Building a Strong, United Family

1. Prioritize the Marital Relationship: Ensure that the marriage remains the foundation of the family, above all other relationships.

2. Foster Emotional Safety: Create an environment where both partners feel safe to express their emotions and vulnerabilities.

3. Communicate Effectively: Implement regular, intentional communication practices to stay connected and address issues promptly.

4. Model Healthy Conflict Resolution: Demonstrate respectful disagreement and problem-solving for children to emulate in their future relationships.

5. Set Boundaries with In-Laws: Establish and maintain clear boundaries while honoring and respecting extended family members.

6. Adapt and Persist Through Challenges: Remain resilient and adaptable in the face of life's changing circumstances to sustain a strong marital bond.

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Notable Quotes

• Candace Cameron Bure:
  “Emotional safety is the hub of the wheel, if you will.” (02:02)

• Josh Straub:
  “If your marriage isn't strong, you step out into the world in weakness.” (42:57)

• Christy Straub:
  “We are church everywhere we go. It was a great example of you being a youth pastor in a hockey locker room.” (33:04)

• Valeri Bure:
  “When you create a marriage-centered home, it's the safest place a child could be.” (36:09)

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Conclusion: Strengthening the Family Through Unity and Understanding

In this heartfelt episode, Candace Cameron Bure and her guests provide valuable insights into managing conflict within marriage and parenting. By prioritizing emotional safety, maintaining a united front, and fostering open communication, couples can build resilient, loving families that thrive amidst life’s inevitable challenges. The Straub family's experiences and strategies offer listeners practical guidance to cultivate healthier, more connected relationships.

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Resources Mentioned:

• Book: Famous at Home by Dr. Josh and Christy Straub
• Free Download: Healthy Home Guide available at candace.com

Note: To support the podcast, consider subscribing to Good Ranchers for high-quality, locally sourced meat delivered to your door.

Transcript

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Before we had kids, we were fine in our marriage. Like, our marriage was bliss. And then at our greatest opponent came in.

[Valeri Bure]

I mean, let's be real.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

It was blissful. Blissfully ignorant, I guess we were.

[Valeri Bure]

It was great. And then our opponent came in weighing.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Eight pounds and one ounce.

[Christy Straub]

Life is like a roller coaster, but it's so much better when we go through it together. Welcome to the Candace Cameron Bure podcast. We're here to share conversations about life's challenges, celebrations, and everything in between. This season, we are talking about becoming better parents. My husband Val is with us again today as Dr. Josh and Christy Straub lead us through managing conflict in our home. Come join us. Hi, everyone.

[Josh Straub]

So good to be here.

[Valeri Bure]

I like our little beak here. This is.

[Christy Straub]

I like, I love this.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah, conflict in marriage today. This is gonna get a little juicy.

[Christy Straub]

Maybe, but this is dreamy. I love these conversations. This actually reminds me of my childhood growing up. This is kind of what I was describing in a prior episode when my parents would be in the seat, they would have another couple that was maybe younger than them that would come in and ask for advice and they would just have an. An open conversation.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

So, so good.

[Christy Straub]

I love this. I feel like my dad right now.

[Josh Straub]

What is it, a therapy session or what is it?

[Christy Straub]

Yeah, kind of light feeling. You guys should give it to us.

[Josh Straub]

There's a therap podcast. Light hearted.

[Christy Straub]

It is, but we might. We're going to get into the thick of it today because we are talking about managing conflict with. Within our marriage and within parenting. And I feel like that can be such a huge source of not just disagreement and conflict, yes, in and of itself, but tension between couples when they are not agreeing on parenting or parenting styles. And so how do we work through those conflicts?

[Unknown]

Right. Yeah.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I think it goes back to, again, everything we set the stage for on emotional safety and parenting in previous episodes. It's the same thing in marriage. It's like emotional safety is the hub of the wheel, if you will. And whether you're talking about parenting as a spoke or you're talking about marriage as a spoke or whatever that spoke might be, emotional safety is really that hub of the wheel. And it's the same thing in marriage. And I think as we have conversation today around parenting being the issue or the spoke, if you will, the hub of the wheel is. And the late Sue Johnson, she was the founder of Emotionally Healthy Couples Therapy. And this statement really comes out of what she created with Emotionally Healthy Couples Therapy. And that is this. That what is going on within your spouse's heart matters more than what's going on between the two of you. So I think it's important at the outset of this conversation, as we set the stage, to be thinking about if you're. If you're married and parenting is the conflict, it's going okay. How do I prioritize my spouse's viewpoint, their feelings around this, and entering in and making sure I'm fighting for my spouse rather than fighting with my spouse, Especially in this big area of parenting. Because as we learned in one of the previous episodes on Our Kids Become who We Are, marriage in that one research study from Harvard University was the third. How you treat your spouse was the third most effective parenting strategy to get the outcomes we desire in our kids. And so how we're treating one another, I think is really, really important to this conversation, and it's why we put it here in the context of parenting. But I. I want to throw it to you guys while you guys are over there on the hot seat. Is, was there any parenting issue, if you will, that created conflict in your marriage?

[Christy Straub]

Never. Never. We've never disagreed.

[Josh Straub]

We're about to be struck by lightning right now. Episode is over.

[Unknown]

Over.

[Josh Straub]

You know, I, I thought about that a little bit, but. And I always say this, I think that. And I told our kids recently that the kids are great, but they are. Hardest thing is in the marriage. Yep, that's, you know, if you think about it, I mean, we have enough disagreements between just two of us, and then you add another three personalities into that. That is. It is a hard thing to do. So we attack that by trying to be on the same page as much as we can from the beginning. Set again ground rules for, you know, mom and dad always on the same side. You can be, well, dad sad or mom said or this, and they tried to play that. But most importantly for us was just to set between two of us that, hey, we gotta be one going into that battle, so to speak.

[Christy Straub]

And that took time to learn.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Christy Straub]

Once our kids were younger, when they were toddlers, and then going through just the adolescent years and preteen years, there were different stages of that, but that was Val and I separating ourselves from the kids and saying, we have to talk about this and setting up what the plan was going to be so that when conflict arises, because it's not. If conflict arises, we know conflict will arise. But when there's a challenge, how are we going to attack it? So we did do that early on, and, man, looking back, I'm like, yay, us.

[Unknown]

Yay.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Christy Straub]

Because I don't think we even real. At least I didn't. That we were so intentional about it, and that was such a good thing. But I don't think that we were like, hey, we read this book, and we have to make a plan. We didn't do it in that. It was a little bit more instinctual, because we didn't want. We didn't want the kids to try to manipulate us or feel like we weren't a team. And we've always parented as teammates.

[Josh Straub]

And a perfect example would be, you know, the kids would say something, and, you know, she would react to that problem. And I disagree with her, but I'm not gonna step over her at that moment. I'm going, okay, hold on a second. Let her do her thing. And then we can go back into our room and talk about and be like, you know what? I disagree with you on this. Like, let's do this. But the kids. I don't want to do this in front of the kids because they need to understand that I'm behind your mom, like, 100 times.

[Christy Straub]

And he was actually so good at doing that that there were times when he'd be like, hey, we need to talk, because I don't agree with you, with what you said with the kids. I'd be like, wait, what? I totally thought you were on my side, like. And he's know. But again, it's like, oh, I'm not. I'm. But I'm not gonna challenge you in front of the kids that way, because we are a united front. But I. But I actually disagree, so let's talk this out. That happened a lot.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Did you ever acknowledge that to him, like. Like, in the sense of, like, that you were grateful that he didn't do it in front of the kids, where it was like, I. I thank you.

[Unknown]

For not doing that, even though you disagree, because it sounds like you were surprised.

[Christy Straub]

Publicly acknowledged. But I think we were. We were in. I think we were in agreement that we wanted to be a united front. And so sometimes, you know, I didn't. I didn't get it right, and sometimes he didn't get it right, but we would just keep working through it.

[Unknown]

It's good. Yeah.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

And the reason I say that is because I think so often. I do this all the time where I take Christy for granted, and, you know, you see something in your spouse that you want to honor, and we just. We just don't think to say it. I think it's just important to acknowledge to Say, for sure, let's acknowledge our spouses. Because it's just not the norm, I think, for so many of us to do that.

[Christy Straub]

Yeah.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

And. And I think that's important when you've got.

[Valeri Bure]

You got it right. Because that's what it sounds like. You guys just like, you hit the nail on the head. Not that we are getting it right every time, but I'm sitting here thinking of all the times that we've gotten it wrong. And I don't know that I've ever seen our kids feel so unsafe when they've seen us fight, like, where we have disagreed in front of them and Josh has, or I've called, you know, been like, don't say that. Or, you know, like, in those immature moments and watching the reaction of our kids and how unsafe that feels to.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Them, I think that's what got us.

[Valeri Bure]

That's what had, like. I mean, it's like a slap in the face. Especially our oldest son. I just. I've watched him react. It wasn't even that long ago, but I remember we were arguing about something, and I'm watching out of the corner of my eye, he's just like, the anxiety in him is just ramping. And I realized, oh, this is about us. Like, he's watching us argue, and it's like crumbling the foundation under him. And that was a really. We had to talk about it afterwards because I was like, buddy, I'm. I was just upset in the moment with dad, but I am so sorry for how that made you feel. And I hope that that repair was because it was a really. They're getting older, and they pick up on things that you could have, you know, hide a little easier when they were younger.

[Christy Straub]

I will say that it changed a little bit depending on the season or the age range of our kids, because especially younger, we were very much united front and have those conversations behind closed doors when we didn't agree. But that's not to say that we didn't sometimes challenge each other in front of the kids, especially when they got older, because for me, it became important that when there were sometimes challenges that at least I didn't agree with. I also, it was important for me to know, to teach Natasha that you can be respectful and disagree as a woman. And so as they got older, I pushed a little bit more in front of the kids with Val, and that was on purpose because I was like, your voice. Your voice is important, too. But we have to understand how to do this dialogue in a respectful way.

[Unknown]

That's good.

[Valeri Bure]

It's like modeling. Because otherwise they don't see conflict and conflict solutions.

[Christy Straub]

It's necessarily healthy. If it's all behind closed doors. You have to model how to work through conflict. But again, on the basic day to day parenting decisions, it's like, no, no, we're going to figure that out without the kids and then present as a united front.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I thought it was fascinating about one of the things you said early on that I want to highlight because I think it, it goes without. I think we gloss over it and don't even think about it. I actually have always talked about that. Our greatest opponent, before we had kids, we were fine in our marriage. Like our marriage was bliss. And then at our greatest opponent came in.

[Valeri Bure]

I mean, well, let's be real.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

It was blissful. Blissfully ignorant. I guess we were.

[Valeri Bure]

It was great. And then opponent came in weighing eight.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Pounds and one ounce, right? It was like, once we had kids, it was like, whoa. And you talked about there's now three different personalities in the marriage, but those three different personalities are changing and growing from infancy to toddlerhood, elementary years to middle preteen to, you know, so not. Do you just have three personalities. You've got three personalities that are ebbing and flowing and changing constantly. And I never really thought about it that way in terms of, oh, now these three personalities that are ever growing are also coming into and creating conflict and can create conflict between us. I would love to hear from you guys how you did handle it. Maybe whenever they did try to pit you against one another. What, what did that look like in your marriage?

[Josh Straub]

I think that, you know, this. The simple thing would be as an example, you know, I would say no on something like, you know, the kids come in and say, hey, you know, can I have a cookie? And I'm like, no, you're not going to have a cookie because of this and this and this. And then literally three minutes later, I walking in and I go, I told you not to have a cookie. And he goes, mom says yes. And I'm kind of like, look at him. Like, why'd you say yes? Like I. And. But she did not know. And he. And so now I'm getting mad at her and not, not at him, at, at the kid. But the fact is, and that's what creates that little, you know, a synergy. I go, why did you ever do this? So now I'm mad at her rather than focus on him. So then we go, listen, they can't play you. So hey, what did your dad say? Did your dad say you can have a cookie or not. Yes. So I'm with him. And the same thing like with Candace, right?

[Christy Straub]

Yeah. You learned really quick to ask questions.

[Josh Straub]

Yeah. So, yeah, now they can't play us.

[Christy Straub]

So now let's get out already. What did he say? Yeah, and then. And you said that. I was like, well, I'm gonna go check with him. Yeah.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah, I'm gonna ask him.

[Christy Straub]

Yeah. So that's a helpful.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Josh Straub]

I mean, but it's still going on, right. Right now it's like, I'll, you know, one of our kids call me, hey, can I do this? And I'm like, well, did you ask your mom? That's my kind of a first thing. Because, you know, maybe you already asked mom and mom said no or yes. So I don't want to go and be in a different position. So.

[Christy Straub]

But even there's conflict with adult. With adult children that, you know, they kind of. I feel. I feel like they know what. Generally what answer they're going to get from which parent. So especially if I'm in conflict with one of our kids, they call him right away and then they have the conversation with him. I'm feeling bad about this. Mom did this and this and that. Mom's the worst. Mom doesn't understand. Mom's. Whatever. And then, you know, we have a conversation. It's like, hey, did you talk to the kids today? And how is that going and what's going on? So it's like, then I tell my perspective and. And sometimes, like, I don't even realize there's conflict with the kids, that I did something that was offensive. Or sometimes I go, yeah, but that's totally not what happened. What did they tell you? What did they say to you? Yeah, happens all the time. And so we always are like, even though we have adult children, it's like, you and I are together. We're the ones living together till death do us part. So we are going to be united and not allow the kids to manipulate us, no matter if they're 3 years old or 30 years old. So we have to always get our stories straight with each other and have the honesty. So then if. If, like, Val goes back and has another conversation with the kids, he has my perspective now to say, like, I don't really know if that's exactly what happened, or maybe that's how you felt, but that's really not where your mom was coming from. Yeah.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

You know, so you guys really. And I hear you saying this, and I see this often where families will. Or spouses Individually will prioritize, maybe the kids over the marriage. And you see it playing out with the conflict in the marriage. And you guys seem to have really from the beginning. And I heard you say it's almost more like an instinctual. I think it's Holy Spirit. You allowed Holy Spirit to guide you and going, wait a minute. I knew Val before. Val and I were together, before you all ever even entered this world. It's like you guys knew to prioritize your marriage. Yeah.

[Unknown]

Can you talk a little bit about.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Maybe prioritizing your marriage and how that continued? Like, maybe even how you fought for her whenever the kids were disrespecting her, or that you guys just always. Or maybe vice versa, where it was like, wait a minute. These are the ways that we chose to prioritize our marriage, even above our parenting, maybe even when we didn't agree with the other person.

[Christy Straub]

I mean, I will say that I've never felt more protected by my spouse, Especially when the kids did get older and they physically got bigger than me really quickly. Again, I'm not. I'm not a big person. So when. When the boys could look me eye to eye, I mean, let alone be a foot taller than me, you know, once a lot of moms or a lot of women, when your children become physically bigger than you, it. I mean, it doesn't feel like a threat, but, like, I don't have the physical power anymore. So it's only verbal. It's only my look or what I'm saying to them. Of course there's a consequence, but. But that as a mom, I felt more defeated than I was gonna win because I don't think I'm sassy with my tongue. Like, I. I think of them, they. Sorry, I'm rambling. But those boys, like Val and the boys, they can chirp on, like, when they're playing hockey, and they can. They have one liners, like, till, you know.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

But those boys can't make mama jokes in those one liners with their dad.

[Christy Straub]

That's for sure. No.

[Josh Straub]

So that's out of line. And they know that.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Christy Straub]

Yeah.

[Josh Straub]

Sometimes they do them like, I'm like, no, that's your mom.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah.

[Christy Straub]

Yeah. But I feel like they're all so quick with what they can say, and I'm not verbally swift. I mean, you can even hear it when I talk. I try to be thoughtful about my words, so words just don't come out of me. Like, you know, son, go. Go up to your room.

[Unknown]

Go sit down.

[Christy Straub]

Go to the. Like that. That Doesn't. I don't talk like that. So when they physically become bigger and then I don't feel like my voice carries weight, I felt like I was at a disadvantage with my kids when they became the same size as me or bigger. And so when Val would step in when there were things like, I can't address this, like, there's something that needs to be addressed with my boys, I don't feel like I'm being respected by them and they listening because I'm just little mom over here now. And so those were times when I would wait and I'd say, we're going to have this discussion when your dad comes home and that we're going to all sit down and talk. And when I would tell him, Val, I mean, I think the first time he ever said, like, you may not talk to your mother that way. You may not talk to my wife that way, I was like, whoa, like, I've got some serious backup. And that felt so empowering for me. That again, oh, here's my teammate. Yeah, this is like the defenseman coming in and protecting me.

[Unknown]

So.

[Christy Straub]

And, yeah, as a wife, there was. It was so powerful for me. And you've consistently done that with the kids. And again, we talked about those words, saying, you know, yes, it's your mom, but him using the words, it's my wife. Like, that's my wife you're talking to. I'm like, yeah, we're the teammates. Like, we love you guys. You're part of the team. However, you're going to eventually go off and make your own team, but this team is sticking together. So he is my defenseman for life, and I'm his. Just not in a physical sense. I'll be the goalie. I don't know.

[Josh Straub]

I don't know where defense will come from.

[Valeri Bure]

Come on.

[Christy Straub]

It's hockey analogies.

[Josh Straub]

I'll be your, you know, the bodyguard or whatever. You know, Enforcer.

[Christy Straub]

Yeah, you're my enforcer. My enforcer.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

It's like the honor the king and the queen and the prince and princes and princess, right? It's like, yeah, you don't.

[Valeri Bure]

But in that. So rare. Like, I just. I hear, like, there's such honor there, and I hear it's such kingdom principles where it's like the father leading the family. And I know that's, like, in our culture, so controversial now, but that's what I'm like. That's what I hear. It's like, you've really led your family. You've led your wife, and then the Kids, it's created this, like, safe container for them to grow up in.

[Josh Straub]

You know, it's sad that it's rare the, you know, in this culture that we lose in that. And, you know, I always feel like about going to this culture is like, what can I do? I can change the lives of three human beings. And that's what I'm creating. So now that our young middle one got married, now he's going to be protector of his wife. And that guy that, you know, Elliot is going to come home and she's going to feel safe to be there. And it's, you know, it creates that great relationship in between you and your wife. Because, you know, I love my wife. I adore her. So it doesn't matter if it's a, you know, our kids or some other human being being disrespectful to her. You know, that's the time that. Where I step in and go, hey, listen, you're crossing your line.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Josh Straub]

And I think, you know what? Candace doesn't like it when I'm sometimes a little too aggressive, but when I'm aggressive to protect her, she's like, it's okay. Yes.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

But I think that's the. That's as a culture, especially for us as men, to pay attention to our legacy. I mean, if you're a husband and.

[Unknown]

A father, your legacy, you know, Exodus Moses writes about this is, you know, sins of the fathers have passed the third and fourth generation, but blessing to the thousandth generation of those who love me and seek my commands. And that's our heritage, that's our legacy, is to pass to the thousandth generation that blessing. And we were talking about this earlier, and I didn't mention it in the last episode, but you and I were talking about fathers and how rare it is for fathers to go, I love you. I want to give you a hug. And I think the same thing is true. There was a Ronnie Ware was an Australian nurse, and she did research with all these palliative care patients through the years and would ask what are their greatest regrets? And I just think it's important to talk about because when we talk about being famous at home, there's so much in this Western world that's vying for our attention and our identity. And we want to be famous. We're looking for all the, you know, famous in our own little world, whatever that looks like. And yet, when you look at end of life research, the top three regrets she found was number one is I wish I would have lived the life that I wanted to, rather than what others expected of me. And in an Instagram social media world where we're constantly comparing ourselves, it's very easy to live the life that other. And then we hear the greatest phrase, the greatest struggle is that I'm too busy and we're overwhelmed and there's not enough time. The second greatest regret was I wish I hadn't worked so hard, particularly for men, or I wish I would have prioritized my personal relationships more. And then the third greatest regret was I wish I would have shared my feelings. And I think as we think about that as husbands and fathers in particular, I think about that often. I don't want to live with those regrets. I don't want to live with the regret that I, you know, chose my kids over my wife. And then my wife didn't feel protected. My wife's heart didn't feel fought for, that she didn't feel chosen. I chose her when I married her. I continue to choose her over and over and over again. And I think that that's an important thing. As husbands, we want to continue to help our wives feel safe. Because as you talked about, one of you talked about, what you're doing is you're passing that you're showing Natasha how she deserves to be treated when she gets married. And I think that's what you guys have modeled here in relationship to handling conflict in the parenting years and how you're modeling that. So I want to throw that over to you guys again, because one of the conversations you and I had was, Candace, was, you know, once we resolve conflict, we kind of, you know, we moved on. But yet you resolved conflict. You're married almost 30 years. I would just love to hear. I know you guys talked about, maybe you would go into the room. Is there certain ways that you could just practically that we could give. Listen, listeners, what were some ways that you did resolve conflict with one another that, you know, it was like, yeah, these are some just helpful ways that. That you found to be.

[Christy Straub]

I'm trying to think and like, help me here because I, I remember one of the consistent conflicts that I always had with the kids being young and less when they got older, but still prevalent were sports. And our kids were always in sports. The boys played hockey, Natasha and tennis, and Natasha played tennis, and Val.

[Unknown]

Took.

[Christy Straub]

Them to all of their practices and then eventually coached the boys in hockey, has played tennis with them. Sports have been a huge part of our lives. However, as mom here we're going, hello. We've got to prioritize God, before sports and all of this, the games are on Sundays. They're on Saturdays and Sundays and then travel weekends. And so this always became contentious for me and I struggled with it so greatly. And then I would get mad at Val for it. Not really the kids, because they don't plan it. But I'm like, but this is your thing with them.

[Josh Straub]

I didn't plan it either.

[Christy Straub]

Listen, I'm not saying this was rational on my part. I'm just saying this was. Is how I felt. And I was like, I just don't like that sports are coming before God and we're missing church. And if there isn't an alternative service to go to on a Saturday night or something, I don't think this is right. So this, we always kind of argued about this. And your response was.

[Josh Straub]

I don't even know what my response is. But, you know, for us, as in that particular is, it's all about, you know, kind of a consistency in dedication to show them what we're all about. Because, you know, like, you're saying it's like, but we can do this. And I said, listen, we can go to church on Wednesday, we can go to church on Saturday. We can do that. So it doesn't mean we have to cancel out. Maybe we can do our own Bible study. There's a certain things, and that's the time of their life where you have to be consistent. And the consistency, that's what winning you really builds a character.

[Christy Straub]

Yeah. And I will agree with you now. And that's the consistency that we were talking about. And when it came from that point of view, because it really, truly was not about, yeah, you're gonna win the next Stanley Cup. It wasn't about even winning nothing, anything. It was just about we are committing ourselves to something. We said, yes, we're gonna play this out and be consistent in our lives. And we're gonna. Our yes is gonna mean yes and our no is gonna be mean no.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

And I even heard you play that, that out too. Because it wasn't just that you guys had the church. I mean, you're. You're doing bagels and Bibles with the kids. I mean, you guys, there was this consistent. It wasn't just, you know, I think so often a lot of times we just think that churches are end all, be all. But it's like, no, as parents, we are, we need to be discipling our children because that they're with us way more than they are with the church or with any pastor. And so I want to be the primary one who's influencing their heart spiritually. And it sounds like you guys were already cultivating that even in the midst.

[Christy Straub]

And I think because of that and talking through that and making some of the alternate decisions when we couldn't go to church, even though that was like the number one priority for me, but it was like bigger picture for him. And then again, being the, the spiritual leader of our household, I want to also trust him in that and go honestly and in the most supportive way. Like biblically, you're responsible for those decisions that you're making for our family.

[Josh Straub]

No pressure.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah. Right.

[Christy Straub]

So if this is how you, if this is what you feel is best for our family, as your wife, I want to honor that and nurture it to the best of my ability. Because it is true. While I don't 100% agree, you're not, there's nothing unbiblical there. Yeah, we're still teaching. We are pouring into our kids. It's just not looking the way that I. My preference is.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

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[Christy Straub]

Well.

[Valeri Bure]

And can I just say though, Candice, how you just worded that, I think that is such a Profound example for women on how it's not. You're not giving up your voice, but you're showing some, like, what biblical submission really looks like. Because I think this is such a tricky subject for so many women, especially, like, you're a strong woman. I think I. That way.

[Unknown]

Yes, you do, too.

[Valeri Bure]

And that could. It can be unhealthy. Right? Like, I can take that and, like, I am woman. Hear me roar in unhealth. But what you've just said, like, you not just respected. Honored him, but you empowered him to be, like, you are responsible. I respect your decision. And I also. It's like, you knew that was still on his radar. It wasn't that the spiritual life of your kids was being ignored. In fact, he's like, discipling them in the mornings before school. Like, how many men do that? But you're honoring him. Like, I trust your decision, but I'm also putting the weight of that decision on you. Like, and I think that is just so. It's just a beautiful example of a biblical. Biblical submission and honor.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

And I just.

[Josh Straub]

Oh, my God.

[Christy Straub]

No.

[Josh Straub]

But it's interesting, too, because to that point, you know, and I want to bring that up because it's in my mind is when we did go to the events, like a hockey, you know, the amount of discipleship I did with 20 other kids that playing on the team, it was amazing. It was truly. You know, and I felt like, hey, this is me being in a church. This is me being a leader and a youth pastor. And that's what it is. And, you know, some of my examples, I loved it. You know, the dressing room is typically a safe space for kids. The. They just been kids, whatever, 14, 15. So there could be some bad language, there's some music playing. But they knew the minute that Coach Val walks in has to be changed. So I would, you know, I kind of, like, get to the dresser room, and it would be super loud. And the minute that I open the door, all the conversations stop. And I go, guys. You guys can keep talking. And they knew because they could not talk the way they did.

[Valeri Bure]

Wow.

[Josh Straub]

Before I walked in. The music has to be changed. Everything has to be changed. So the. The way that you can influence other things around you, it's. It's fabulous. And we don't think of that sometimes.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

And that was the closest thing for maybe many of some of those kids that don't ever get to church.

[Josh Straub]

Exactly.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

You know, and yet we are here. We are living it out. You know, it leads to a great question of what is church, you know, and what does that truly look like? And I think, you know, we have a western model of what going to a church building looks like, but yet we are church.

[Unknown]

We had Jesus in our heart.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Everywhere we go is sacred ground. And we get to be the church everywhere we go. And it was a great example, you know, of you being a youth pastor in a hockey locker room and out on the rink and just modeling that we get to build for the kingdom of God in doing those things. And I just think it's awesome. I would love to hear from you guys too. So we have an example of the way that we tend to go back. You know, if, if I'm. Let me say this first. I genuinely believe what you've challenged me to do, and I feel like I do a pretty decent job so far, but you've challenged me even more. And I just want to challenge men listening, like to, to fight for your wives hearts. I just think it's just to, to level up in how we're pursuing our wives hearts, especially as it relates to what our children see in us. Because we want.

[Unknown]

We're modeling for them their own future marriages and how they need to see that done. And I think for many of us, that's just a. I just want to. I want. It's challenged me to level up. Val, you've done that for me just even here in your own. The way you've done this through the teenage years and, and even shepherding the hearts of other teens in your own circle as you're raising your teens. And it's just a beautiful thing. I think if we could be the church in that, have more men doing that, it's just. Man, we would see so much change in, in, in youth in our culture. I know.

[Valeri Bure]

And I think it's. I think it's such a shift in. When we've become so kid focused or kid centric in our homes. You know, it's revolving around the activities of the kids. And it looks like we're, I mean, in some ways almost like worshiping our kids, you know, like just growing these little idols up. And what, what you are both saying is it's just the shift. And I've heard it said so often that a kid feels safest when they know that mom and dad, like, this is the priority relationship and that dad loves mom and mom loves dad even more than they love the kids. And I remember learning that. I mean, I feel like early on it was like, that's such a. It just feels we're creating Again, the safe container, I think, for our kids to grow up in, but to realize that what we are establishing here is more permanent than what we are even putting into them because we want them to go off. We want them to go, then reproduce this. And yet, I think, again, culturally, it's just biting that tide of the child centered homes and the realization that I think as we do this work together in marriage, we are establishing in our.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Kids that marriage centered home is the.

[Unknown]

Safest place a child could be.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Christy Straub]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

When it's strong and it's healthy and it's.

[Christy Straub]

I would like, before we go to the listener questions, I would like to hear some examples from you guys and then we can give some also of how you do prioritize your marriage. So this is outside of the conflict.

[Unknown]

That's what it's going to go through.

[Christy Straub]

Next, whatever season of life you're in with your kids and the ages. Because, listen, I think everyone says, oh, date night. Go on date night.

[Unknown]

Yeah, yeah.

[Christy Straub]

But like, let's get beyond date night.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Christy Straub]

And even let's flesh out what does date night look like. But can you give me some examples how you guys prioritize your time together?

[Valeri Bure]

We realized, so we're up early because we still have a little guy, you know, and the kids were finding, you know, we're just sort of this weird span. And so we were finding, like at bedtime, we put the kids finally to bed. We were just exhausted and we stopped talking because we were just done for the day. And something about being in our home just like, I don't know, we just like checked out. And so one day we have this. Those bed swings on our porch. And it was one night. It started with a conversation that we had to have that was like, not a comfortable one. It was one that was like, actually, I have to bring something up. I have to talk to you about something. We could do on that another time. It would end up being an amazing conversation. But that's where it started, is like we went outside, we sat on this swing. And I don't know what it was. Is it the fresh air? Is it just a different environment? But it started this thing where we're like, every night let's just go out and sit on the swing. And even if it's five minutes, but you don't bring your phone out. You know, where I'm like responding to text messages or whatever. I'm just talking. We're just talking. And it felt like I was making me cry. It felt like back in the early days where it was just like you and I again, you know? And it was like, if. I think we've had, like, it's given us, like, vision, like, we'll come up with things like, ooh, like, out of the box thinking, like, let's go do this. Or like, what if next week we start, you know, planning or prioritizing this? And I'm noticing, like, this kid is needing this and I'm needing this. And, you know, my friend said this to me today, and it really hurt. And, like, I get to, like, talk to him again. You see the emotion. Like, like my best friend. It was like, there we are again. And I think almost like leaving the kids inside, they're tucked in their beds. It gave us just this little place that was just ours. And it's. We love date night. We do. We go, like, probably every other Thursday. We try to make that regular, if we can. And we. We do try to do double dates, too, with really good friends, because we need that. Like, we just come back filled, like, so filled up from those two. But probably more important is our little swing night. Yeah. What about free?

[Christy Straub]

Thanks so much. Pass it. Pass it over. Tissues.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Valeri Bure]

What about for you guys? Yeah, like, real life. What does it look like?

[Josh Straub]

Yeah, for us and, you know, was. Because our lives have been so busy.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Christy Straub]

Well, travel. Travel wise. So we weren't always in the same city.

[Josh Straub]

Same city and all that stuff. And then, you know, and it's like you said, cell phones, the activities, all of that stuff. So, you know, I'm just reflecting on four years ago when the COVID happened and everybody went on lockdown and we kind of got in the house together for the first time in seven years as a family. And first week, we're kind of like, what? Like, I don't know if I like one another and this much time and all of that stuff. And as the time went on, we, you know, we got back to our roots and really dig deep into and gone. This is awesome. And we don't want to lose what this feels like because it was just great conversation sitting by. We couldn't go anywhere. So we will sit by the fire and we'll just talk as a family and we'll talk as a two of us or we go on the hikes and there's a lot of come from there. Because I was thinking about it, you know, like, we do do date nights, but sometimes date nights will not go as well as I want it to be.

[Christy Straub]

I was thinking about.

[Josh Straub]

So it's like date nights and then she get mad, I get mad, and there's no conversation. There's your date night.

[Christy Straub]

We had a season of that, and we kept going weekly on our date night, but we were just not in the healthiest place together. And they were the most uncomfortable and awkward date nights. And we practically sat across from a table. And after, you know, it didn't take but 10 minutes, and it was just a silent dinner, and those were difficult. But we kept going. We kept doing it. We pushed through it. But, yeah, we've had some really awful date nights. But I think that what I'm trying to say here is we did push through and we kept going on them. I think the most important part about that time together, like, what do you do to make your marriage work? Yes. Dates. Doing fun things together that you actually enjoy together. For me, it's. And I think you, too, Christy. It's the conversation. It's feeling heard, it's feeling seen. It's having your best friend to say, I get it.

[Josh Straub]

It.

[Christy Straub]

It's. What I'm about to talk about is probably not high on your priority list. You probably don't care what my friend did to me, said to me, or it's like, trivial stuff.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Christy Straub]

But the fact that he'll just listen.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Christy Straub]

And listen. Yeah. And then he cares. I want. And that he cares.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Christy Straub]

And that. That it's the significant time with the spouse. So you don't have to spend money.

[Valeri Bure]

Yep.

[Christy Straub]

You don't have to go anywhere to spend time with your spouse. So you sit on that porch swing. You go sit at the fire pit. You just. Just sit on the couch in your house, wherever that place is, that you can spend 30 minutes an hour uninterrupted with your spouse. That's the valuable time.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

And that's.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

You know, we talked about this in a previous episode, but that's one thing that we've cultivated. It's become a lifestyle now, but we actually called it 15 minutes a day. This is when we were in those early, rough years where I would just come home and just say, what was one positive feeling you had today? It was one uncomfortable feeling you had today. And I didn't. I didn't have to fix it. I didn't have. In vice versa. She had to fix it. It's just like you're sitting with the person that, you know, sees and still sees everything about who you are and still loves you, and you're. You're sharing and you're feeling seen in, and it's just taking. It's going a Layer deeper. You know, Proverbs says to guard your heart, it is the wellspring of life. And I think, therefore, we need to guard our marital heart. You know, when we guard our marital heart, everything else will flow from it. And I step out. As Tim Keller said, when your marriage.

[Unknown]

Is strong, you step out into the world in strength. When your marriage isn't strong, you step out into the world in weakness. And I think this just gets a layer below the business of the day and, oh, we gotta take the kids here and there and that to know what are you feeling about this? And what are you feeling about that? And it just. It opens up the possibility, and it gets awkward at first, and it's weird and. But eventually you start to just learn, okay, I'm okay to share an emotion. I felt brave. I felt, you know, even doing this is like we're sharing with one another. I feel brave doing this.

[Christy Straub]

I'm also going to jump in and say that it was really important also to know what the time frame is or the timing of those conversations, because that can get a lot of couples in trouble. That's right when she's like, like, well, but I want to talk about this. And he's like, I don't want to talk about this. And then she feels really hurt because he doesn't want to listen. But it's not that he doesn't want to listen. It's just the timing is not that special time for him. He's not at his best listening time.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

And do you know where we found that to be the case for us? And this is trial and error. You have to figure it out where we found it to work. The best for us is when after dinner, we would go for a walk as a family. The kids could run ahead, ride their bike or whatever, and she and I would hold back and just have a little walk. And I'm not looking across the table from her and going, how are you feeling? It's like we're walking side by side. That feels safer for me. And we can just do that and connect.

[Valeri Bure]

And it's almost like you're. It's like you're processing out loud your life with someone who's just there to be with you. Like. And I. I'm sitting here thinking of, like. I mean, we are. We come from the world of counseling, so I love and appreciate it very much. But I think this has probably been more significant in my life than even work with a professional counselor, because it's just on the daily. Like, it's unpacking the daily stuff so it's not accumulating so much. And it's someone just like feeling you and living a long life alongside you. And we did realize, like late at nights was bad idea because I, I shut down.

[Christy Straub]

Well, what's your, what's your cutoff point? Cause we all know this.

[Josh Straub]

I don't know, 7:00, it was like.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Don'T talk to me. Yeah, you're earlier than me.

[Josh Straub]

Yeah, no, no, I'm falling asleep. I'm like, I don't remember the next day. I'm like, what were you saying?

[Christy Straub]

Yes.

[Josh Straub]

She's like, kind of listening. I'm like, I wasn't, I was sleeping. But wake up at 5.30am I'll be happy to talk to you.

[Christy Straub]

Yeah.

[Josh Straub]

And she goes, no.

[Christy Straub]

Yeah, yeah. But it took a long time to figure out. And he finally was like, don't talk to me about anything important after 7:00pm like, my, my mind is shut off. Yeah.

[Valeri Bure]

Okay. I have one question because you guys hit a like a. The structure of your life is different. And a lot of the couples we work with live similarly, where one is off doing something and one is home and there's not time together. Like just in those instances. How do you keep a marriage together when you're not physically together?

[Christy Straub]

We recently implemented, I mean, a few years ago, I say recently, but we implemented the, a two week rule to try not to be apart more than two weeks.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

So.

[Christy Straub]

And that's made a significant difference because it, it was very trying on our marriage, especially when we were doing longer stints. I mean, sometimes when I was filming, I was away five, six weeks, multiple times a year. And that did not bode well for us.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Christy Straub]

And so we set some new boundaries, some new ground rules, some new guardrails.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Christy Straub]

And that two week rule has proven to be pretty good. So if I'm away filming a movie, he might come up for a night, a weekend.

[Josh Straub]

Still too long for me. You know, I'm a time guy. Like, I need a quality time. So for me is even two weeks is, you know, long. And it's again, it's just having your partner, having your friend with you, you know, waking up and not having her there beside me or going to sleep, that's. That's what I miss. Not the most, but.

[Christy Straub]

But see him verbalizing that because for the longest time I didn't know that that meant so much to him that my physical presence there. And I feel like it. See, now we're going to the couples therapy. I promise we'll get to listen. But you verbalizing that and saying, which I think took a long time for you to say. I want you. Like, I miss you. I want to cuddle with you. Yeah, your presence means something. And hearing him say that right now, I'm like, dang, we're not gonna go a week. Like, yeah, that's a turn on. That makes me feel desired, wanted, like, I love it. And it makes me want to be with you even more when you tell me those things.

[Josh Straub]

I said it, but in my head.

[Valeri Bure]

Why aren't you in there and listening?

[Candace Cameron Bure]

And that's a great example of what I was saying earlier of like.

[Unknown]

Like, we don't verbalize. We just don't say sometimes.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

There was a podcast, so I'm part of a mastermind group called Integrated, which is. It's. It's fathers and husbands who are. Who have businesses, but we're integrating our family and being healthy fathers and husbands into this. And I, I'm trying to remember the podcast and who the people were that said this, but it was one of the biggest takeaways that all of us men took from this, this mastermind group that weekend was this couple was talking about sex and marriage and what a husband needs to hear and what a wife needs to hear in order to be turned on or to be ready for sex. And this just brought it up for me. And I'm struggling. I just don't remember the name of the people. So I apologize for that. But it was the two phrases. So what a wife needs to hear from her husband in order to feel ready for sexual is I choose you. And that's exactly what you just. You just said. That is a turn on. It's only a week.

[Unknown]

Okay. This is amazing.

[Josh Straub]

Podcast is over. Yeah, this is it.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Right? And what a husband needs to hear from a wife. Tonight's going to be amazing.

[Christy Straub]

Hey, do we still have time for a listener question? Okay, I think that's a good place. Let's.

[Josh Straub]

That's what I said to you guys.

[Christy Straub]

Well, let's. Let's take our listener question. This one's from Laura, and she said the podcast about emotional health has been so interesting to me as I've. I've had. Not had much experience with counseling or therapy. I appreciate that you're so open about your own struggles. My question is, there is not much conflict. If there is not much conflict in a marriage, how do we know that we're still growing closer without that makeup that arises after an argument? So not much conflict in a marriage that I don't know the answer to that, because I feel like healthy marriages have conflict.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I. I would say this. I would say, yeah, and this may not be the case, Laura, for you, but I. I do. I would say this. When couples come to me who are getting ready to get married and they're like, oh, we never argue.

[Unknown]

We're just meant for each other.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I'm going, then someone is acquiescing or.

[Unknown]

Appeasing the other person more than they should be, because we both need to have a voice. And, you know, there's times where Christy has come to me and she has been very forthright to say, hey, I need to have a voice in this. And I'm going, listen, you're my person. Of course you do. Like, let's talk about this. We need to fight for each other's voice. We're two individuals. Yes, we're one flesh, but we're two individuals, and there has to be two voices there. And so I would just, as a challenge, just say. Just make sure that one person is not appeasing the other person in the context of the marriage in this case.

[Valeri Bure]

And I think that's a beautiful. Like, to say it that way is like, you are. You have a voice, like God created you uniquely. And, yes, there's a lot of melding that does happen in marriage where we become teammates, and it's. We do start to look, look, sound, talk like one another. And yet, I guess I would just say, like, sometimes even in. For us, we've. I think we've reached a place now we don't blow up like we used to. So. So maybe conflict. You know, I think in some homes, you might assume that means, like, a big fight, and conflict could be just, you know, I kind of disagree with that. And it could just be a more subtle form of conflict in your home. But if there's none, be curious about it. Yeah, be curious about that.

[Josh Straub]

You know, then you create some.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah, that's right.

[Christy Straub]

We'll send our family right now.

[Unknown]

But I also.

[Josh Straub]

You don't have a conflict. Yeah, we're coming in.

[Valeri Bure]

I'll send in the children. They'll bring it.

[Josh Straub]

Here you go.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I don't think it's important, too, that growing together, a lot of our growth doesn't happen because we make up after a conflict.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

And I think that's a, you know, maybe a misnomer in some respects.

[Unknown]

Yes.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

There's great times where we've made up after an argument.

[Unknown]

We're like, oh, that was awesome. We've grown because of it. But I would Say our greatest growth experiences, and I'm toss it to you guys too, on this. I don't know that our growth experiences in marriage are always a result of conflict. There's other ways that we grow together as a result of just living life, having adventures together, pushing one another, challenging one another, especially by faith, and saying.

[Valeri Bure]

What is really happening within you, like what is really true for me and letting you just hear that that's how we've grown.

[Unknown]

Yeah. Oh, totally.

[Josh Straub]

That's very true. All of those things.

[Christy Straub]

Yeah.

[Josh Straub]

That's wonderful.

[Christy Straub]

Okay, we have a question from Christina. What's your best advice for approaching conflict with in laws when it comes to raising children? When grandma tries to overrule, I plead with this.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

This is honestly one of the greatest questions we get from married, you know, adult children today is when they have children is in laws and parents. And best advice for approaching conflict with in laws when it comes to raising children? Well, I would, I would verse. Venture to say. First venture to say that as a, as a husband, that whenever I get married to Christy, she becomes my number one priority over my mom. And so, you know, I've got to fight for her heart. You know, my mom's saying, hey, and this isn't necessarily true, but so mom, if you're listening, but if my mom's going, hey, you know, I want to see the kids X, Y and Z time. And I'm going, and Christy's like, oh, no, we can't necessarily do that. I'm going, okay, so I, I'm not fighting for my mom with, I'm not fighting for my mom with my wife. I'm fighting for my wife and then probably with my mom. But I'm going to have a conversation. I'm going to approach my mom and say, hey, mom, we're a team over here. Here's, here's our boundaries, here's our story. Here's how we're living our lives. And then I'm going to enter into my mom and I'm going to honor my mom. Like that's what we are called to do. We're called to honor our parents. And so I think it's always important from an emotional safety standpoint, just like we're doing with our kids. Again, this is the hub of the wheel. In laws become another spoke. I'm going to lead in grace and following truth. And so I want to honor my parents. I want to honor what it is that they are trying to share their concern. I want to empathize with that concern, understand where they're coming from. And then once they feel understood, now I have a lot more rapport to be able to share.

[Unknown]

Okay.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

These are our boundaries now. I want to share where we stand with this and what can we.

[Unknown]

How can we come together and make sure that this works?

[Candace Cameron Bure]

And that's not.

[Unknown]

I'm giving you a quick answer that is not always that easy because it really does depend on the emotional maturity of your parents and your in laws.

[Christy Straub]

Right. And of your spouse.

[Josh Straub]

Yeah. I also like want to say it's you know, like, you know, Candace relationship with my mom and in the beginning was a little bit of harsh and not that, you know, they didn't get along, they just didn't know one another.

[Christy Straub]

But they also don't speak the same language.

[Josh Straub]

Yeah, yeah, true. But what, what I'm, you know, I'm getting to it is as maturity of Candace now where I don't have to argue with my mom about anything. And then there's, of course my mom wants a certain way and I'm just, you know, gonna talk to Candace. She's like, of course. And so she is mature enough to make those decisions that make lives easier on me to that I don't have to go to.

[Christy Straub]

Right.

[Josh Straub]

My mom and argue with my mom. So it's very helpful that, that she. It maybe took her 5, 10, 15 years.

[Christy Straub]

Yeah, it did.

[Josh Straub]

To get to that level. And it's just wonderful to have your spouse making it easy on you.

[Christy Straub]

But that was maturity and growth. Because in the early years I felt like I was in competition with your mom.

[Josh Straub]

Yes.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Christy Straub]

And that's what it was. And it was like, but isn't this our house? Isn't so why is someone else making a decision in our house? So that was the conflict. But then through maturity and as the kids got older, I also realized because then, then I would go back and do the same thing. If my parents came in, I'd be like, no, no, no, let's listen to my mom and dad. And he's like, but you don't want to listen to my mom. But then I got to listen to your parents. Well, you know, and it's just because I agreed with my parents or something. So it just took maturity on my part and I think on both of us to understand that dynamic. But it can be very stressful depending on how your spouse looks at it and what their relationship is with their in laws. I know, I'm trying to give a specific answer, but I mean, I'm grateful to know. I just have a such a different point of view now that we're older that I'm like, of course, like, I want your mom to do whatever she'd like. Yeah, as long as it's not sinful.

[Valeri Bure]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Christy Straub]

No one's asking that then. I just, I want to honor her. And she gave you life and I love her and all the things, you.

[Unknown]

Know, I think it's important to one of my dear friends and he's become somewhat of a mentor of mine. His name is Jeremy Pryor. He. One of the things he talks about is honoring our parents. And one way to do that is, especially if they live close to you, if they don't, you, you, you create opportunities for when you're with them on holidays or whatever. But if they do live close to you and you can have them over for dinner to honor your parents by having them share stories of their childhood or having them share stories of ways that they've overcome adversity or have them share principles that they're teaching your kids. Now all of a sudden you're letting them in your home and they're feeling like they get to pass their legacy and lessons they've learned. And it's a way to honor. And as we build honor, what it does is it opens up opportunities then for us to be able to have conversation around conflict or where we don't see eye to eye because they feel honored. And I think honor always begets honor. And it's just a way to. Instead of always seeing our parents as a problem and like, oh, they're always trying to cause problems. And again, there's in laws and parents who do. But I think if we as adult children can look to honor first, that honor is going to really come back and pay big dividends. And I think that's very biblical.

[Christy Straub]

I'd also like to speak into the in laws were brand new in law. That's what I wanted to got married. But just in the same way, if you, if, if your children are married now, you are the in laws, think of the decisions that you make in ways that you're going to help your child and their spouse grow their marriage to be a strong union and for them to build them up to be the teammates that you want to see them be and be a mate. Not just an amazing couple, but amazing parents. So as hard as it can be to let your kids go and see them form their own lives with someone else and you're no longer number one in their life, look at it as this beautiful opportunity to continue to pour into them, not to get in the way of them, but to support them and remind yourself I'm not the number one priority. But how can I help them make their marriage stronger together? Because that's what I want to do for Lev and Elliot. I'm like, I'm here, I'm here when you need me. I don't want to butt in in anything, but I am at your, I am at your, I'm coming over for dinner. Like I want to be a part of it, but I don't, I don't want to overstep my bounds. I, I want to be asked and invited in. But, but I, but I consistently let them know I am here and always available.

[Unknown]

And I think you're modeling what we've talked about. If you are the in law and I hope that I, I am this one day too is you're just continuing to step in to your child's world and just, yeah, tell me about your world and how can I support, how can I support you? How can I love you? How can I come alongside you? So beautiful.

[Christy Straub]

And if you have an overbearing in law, just pray for patience. Guys. This is such a fun episode. Thank you. Hey, remember, we have a free download for you this season. We're calling it the Healthy Home Guide. It's adapted from Josh and Christy's book Famous at Home and you can get [e-mail] the link is also in our show notes. You can also get their book Famous at Home, which is all about what our conversation this season is based on. Until next time. Be grateful all day, every day. If you value local, trustworthy and high.

[Unknown]

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[Christy Straub]

Life is like a roller coaster. But if today's conversation made it just a little bit better, comment below and tell me how. Candy Rock Entertainment all rights reserved.