Josh and Christi Straub: Coaching the Heart of Teens, with Val Bure

Summary

The Candace Cameron Bure Podcast
Episode: Josh and Christi Straub: Coaching the Heart of Teens, with Val Bure
Release Date: December 19, 2024

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Introduction

In this heartfelt episode of The Candace Cameron Bure Podcast, host Candace Cameron Bure welcomes her husband, Val Bure, along with parenting experts Dr. Josh Straub and Kristi Straub. Celebrating 28 years of marriage and 25 years of parenting together, Candace and Val dive deep into effective strategies for coaching the hearts of teenagers. This episode is a blend of personal anecdotes, expert insights, and practical advice aimed at fostering emotional safety, quality time, and purposeful relationships with teens.

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Meet the Guests

Val Bure’s Introduction and Parenting Journey
Timestamp: [00:00 - 05:04]

Candace introduces Val Bure, her husband of 28 years, who has been a pivotal figure in their family's parenting journey. Val shares his early aspirations of fatherhood, including humorous mentions of wanting a minivan and a dog (00:00-00:15). Together, Candace and Val have nurtured their kids, who are now in their 20s, through various stages of life.

Val Bure [00:00]: "When we got married, I want to be a father. I want to have a minivan and a dog."

Dr. Josh and Kristi Straub’s Perspective
Timestamp: [00:57 - 03:17]

Dr. Josh Straub and Kristi Straub, experts in parenting and coaching, join the conversation to provide a framework for emotional safety and entering the teens' world. They emphasize the importance of building upon previous episodes' foundations to address the unique challenges of parenting teenagers.

Dr. Josh Straub [02:56]: "We've set the stage with emotional safety. What does it look like to enter into our children's world, now into our teens' world."

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Investing Time and Building Emotional Connections

The Importance of Quality Time
Timestamp: [05:04 - 11:45]

Val and Candace discuss the significance of investing time in their children’s lives. Val highlights that making time is essential and that children value one-on-one interactions. Candace elaborates on the difference between being physically present and being emotionally engaged.

Val Bure [05:04]: "You have to invest your time. The kids always value the time that could be just one on one and sitting and listening to them."

Candace Cameron Bure [07:58]: "Showing up and just sitting there. Letting them know that time is valuable."

Setting Boundaries and Consistency
Timestamp: [11:45 - 19:32]

Candace and Val discuss household rules, particularly around technology usage. They emphasize the importance of consistency in enforcing these rules to create emotional safety and opportunities for meaningful conversations.

Candace Cameron Bure [11:45]: "At dinner time or lunchtime, anywhere we sit down for a meal, there are no cell phones."

Val Bure [12:24]: "I might think I'm more of a consistent disciplinarian."

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Creating Golden Moments Through Discipline

The Role of Discipline in Emotional Growth
Timestamp: [19:32 - 28:09]

Val shares a poignant moment at his son's high school graduation where he and Candace first expressed love openly, leading to deeper emotional connections. This underscores the transformative power of consistent emotional expression.

Val Bure [19:32]: "That's the first time they've been hugged by their dads and they've been told 'I love you.'"

Candace adds that being disciplined in expressing love without needing to verbalize it constantly has strengthened their family bonds.

Candace Cameron Bure [20:51]: "Val helps and picks me up. Where Val falters, I can help and pick."

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Resolving Conflicts and Growing Together

Navigating Disagreements with Teachable Moments
Timestamp: [28:09 - 37:05]

The Straubs share tools for resolving conflicts, such as family dialogues and role-playing scenarios to better understand each other's perspectives. These practices help in maintaining open communication and reinforcing family unity.

Dr. Josh Straub [31:16]: "Role-playing is a very powerful tool... helps your kids understand what would be a better way to handle that situation."

Building Tradition and Rituals
Timestamp: [35:12 - 38:43]

Val and Candace discuss the importance of establishing family traditions, such as Friday night dinners and morning routines with devotional time. These rituals create anchor moments that foster a sense of stability and belonging.

Candace Cameron Bure [37:05]: "We have to make those special moments where you hear the whisper of your teens."

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Listener Questions and Expert Advice

Disconnecting from Teen Emotions while Teaching Empathy
Timestamp: [39:50 - 44:34]

Listener Allison asks about balancing empathy with emotional disconnection. The Straubs emphasize understanding the underlying emotions of teens without necessarily agreeing with their perspectives. They advocate for curiosity and active listening as key components of empathetic parenting.

Dr. Josh Straub [40:25]: "Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another."

Natasha Bure [43:24]: "Curiosity puts you on the bottom level... What's deeper within you?"

Maintaining a Spicy Marriage Amidst Parenting Teens
Timestamp: [44:34 - 48:36]

Veronica asks about keeping her marriage vibrant while managing teenage children. Val and Candace humorously share their strategies, like taking walks and setting boundaries around their personal time. They stress the importance of maintaining the marital relationship to model a healthy partnership for their children.

Candace Cameron Bure [48:19]: "Maintain the relationship spicy because one day they're going to be out of the house."

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Concluding Insights

Candace wraps up the episode by highlighting the importance of consistency, emotional presence, and intentional family interactions in coaching the hearts of teens. She also teases the next episode, which will focus on marriage and conflict resolution, further guiding listeners on nurturing strong familial and marital bonds.

Candace Cameron Bure [48:46]: "We're going to be talking more about marriage and conflict within marriage. So make sure that you tune in next week."

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Key Takeaways

1. Invest Time Consistently: Dedicate quality time without distractions to build meaningful connections with your teens.
2. Set and Enforce Boundaries: Establish clear household rules, particularly around technology, to create emotional safety.
3. Express Love Openly: Regularly express love and appreciation to foster strong emotional bonds.
4. Use Family Dialogues: Implement family meetings and role-playing to resolve conflicts and understand different perspectives.
5. Create Traditions: Develop family rituals that provide stability and memorable anchor moments.
6. Balance Empathy with Boundaries: Understand your teen’s emotions without losing your own emotional balance.
7. Nurture Marital Relationships: Maintain a strong marital bond to model healthy relationships for your children.

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Notable Quotes

• Val Bure [00:00]: "I want to have a minivan and a dog."
• Candace Cameron Bure [07:58]: "Invest and be there because they are watching."
• Val Bure [19:32]: "That's the first time they've been hugged by their dads and been told 'I love you.'"
• Dr. Josh Straub [40:25]: "Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another."
• Natasha Bure [43:24]: "Curiosity puts you on the bottom level... What's deeper within you?"

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This episode serves as a comprehensive guide for parents navigating the challenging yet rewarding journey of raising teenagers. By blending personal experiences with expert advice, Candace and her guests provide valuable insights into creating emotionally safe, loving, and structured environments for teens to thrive.

Transcript

[Val Bure]

Candace probably will tell you. When we got right when we got married, I want to be a father. You know, I was like, I want to be a father. I want to have a minivan.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah.

[Val Bure]

And a dog.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Life is like a roller coaster, but it's so much better when we go through it together. Welcome to the Candace Cameron Bure Podcast. We're here to share conversations about life's challenges, celebrations, and everything in between. Today's episode is extra fun because you guys get to meet my husband Val for the first time on the podcast. Season seven is becoming better parents with Dr. Josh and Kristi Straub. And since Val is the one I've done all of my parenting with, you guys are in for a real treat, so come join us. Hi, everyone. Welcome to the show.

[Kristi Straub]

This is an exciting one.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

It is, honey. I'm so glad that you're here.

[Val Bure]

My first time on your show, baby, I waited, what, a few years? You never invited me.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Here we are.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I know it's what you and the kids have been saying, so the time has come.

[Val Bure]

I'm excited and privileged to be here, baby.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Thank you. Well, this was important for me to have you here and invite Val into the conversation because obviously we've been doing parenting together for 25 years and was thinking, for all of the listeners that don't know we've been married, we're celebrating 28 years of marriage, or we'll have. Yeah, we're married 28 years.

[Natasha Bure]

Wow.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah, 28 years. And our kids are all in their 20s now, and one is married. So we've been through. We've been through a lot together.

[Kristi Straub]

Your grandparents in training.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Here we are. We are. So today we're going to be talking about coaching the hearts of teens. And I also thought this was such a great episode for Val to join in because he. Well, he's just a rock star. Dad, I want to say that I don't want to embarrass you, but you are. I'm going to cry. You're an incredible father and an incredible partner, and I. I mean, I know our kids wouldn't be who they are today without you and all of the coaching and training that you've done and you and I together have done over the years with them, but the word coach really stood out to me, coaching our kids. But you literally coached our kids in hockey, in tennis, in sports, and you coached other kids, too. So I just thought, like, you're going to be a great addition to. To voice some opinions in your heart. And what has been successful in our lives to. To help other people listening that are maybe haven't got through it yet that are about to.

[Natasha Bure]

Yeah, like right here.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

That's us. And this is what's fun for me, is I love if you've listened to the previous seven episodes, and if you haven't, those of you listening, love for you to go back and listen to that, because we've set the stage with emotional safety. And what does it look like to enter into our children's world? Now we're talking about what it looks like to enter into our teens world. And it's fun for me to sit here. I know for you too, Christy.

[Kristi Straub]

It's.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

I love asking questions of those who have gone before us. And of course, our kids are 12, 10, and 4. And you guys have been doing this for 25 years. So we get to pitch to you guys as we set the stage for talking about emotional safety in teens and coaching teens hearts. So I. I'm actually going to throw it to you, Val, just to get a little bit of an understanding of who you are. I just love to know from you what's been the favorite part for you of being a dad.

[Val Bure]

You know, I don't think I can pick one single thing. That's. What's the best. Candace probably will tell you. When we got. Right when we got married, I want to be a father. I, you know, I was like, I want to be a father. I want to have a minivan.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah.

[Val Bure]

And a dog.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Yes to the minivan.

[Val Bure]

Yes. Candace would not allow me to get a minivan. So until one, some kind of like.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

You know, truck was like, no, we're not getting the.

[Natasha Bure]

We still drive the minivan. I love it.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

It's pretty great.

[Natasha Bure]

It could, like, raise a child on its own. They have, like, they have, like, cooler systems now where, like, you can keep your bottles cool. I'm like a mother. Absolutely created this thing. It's incredible.

[Val Bure]

It's wonderful. Yeah. So, you know, the best thing for me, even now, I think just to be able to, you know, our kids a little bit older, but to give them a hug. And now the hugs last a little bit longer and they grab you a little bit tighter and just tell them that, you know, I love you and you hear that I love you back, and it's very genuine. And, you know, the best things for us is when we're sitting and having a dinner together now that we're kind of old in a different places and all this stuff. So this is right now probably one of the single best thing in My life that I get to experience with you. Right?

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Wow. I would love to hear from you, even as you talk about feasting and having meals together and just really. Because I think so many of us who are in. Those of you listening who are in the trenches, if you will, and you're going, man, you hear the phrase, the days are long, but the years are short.

[Kristi Straub]

And I'd love to just hear a.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Little bit of foundation of you guys are now in this season where you're reaping a lot of the rewards by feasting and sitting around the table. What were some of the foundational principles or tactics or ways? How did you set the stage for that? Maybe even from the early years, if you look back on it to go, what. What was.

[Kristi Straub]

The hugs are longer. I love hearing that. The I love you are more genuine and sincere. It seems like. It's like this sense of we really are connected. What were some of the ways that you cultivated that through the years that you look back on?

[Val Bure]

One of the things, I mean, we all know raising the kids, it's one of the toughest jobs in the world, you know, but it's rewarding. It does pay off as you, you know, kids get older. But one of the things I always say, you gotta invest your time. It's a time that you invest into your kids. And a lot of friends of mine, they said, well, but, you know, I don't have a time, you know, I gotta provide or I have to do this. And you will always find a time for kids. And the kids always value the time that could be just one on one and sitting and listening to them, the way you can show them. It's, you know, when Candace used to come in and watch the boys play hockey and she goes, well, why am I there? They don't even know I'm there. And I said, believe me, they watching, they see you there. It's very important that you show up and just sit there. Right?

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah. Yes. Because there are many times where I was like, I'm just going to go wait in the car with the heater on because it's cold in the hockey ring. And. But I. But I learned over that time that it really made a difference that I was sitting in the stands and not on my phone, because that's the other thing. I'd get called out like, well, you were there, but you weren't even watching me. And I couldn't always comprehend that. And I, you know, sometimes you feel like you're in survival mode. I have a bunch of Things that I'm doing the other day, the rest of the day. And so, hey, if I can answer a couple emails while I'm at my kids sports event, I'm gonna do this. And. And Val taught me, and the kids taught me, no, that time was so valuable to pay attention and to invest and be there because they are watching. They do see it. So they know that even if you're present, but you're actually not emotionally present with them. There's a massive difference.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Yeah, I remember there I was a mom of a 12 year old who came up to me after giving a talk on emotional safety. And she said, josh, she said, I.

[Kristi Straub]

Don'T know what to do.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

My son's learning how to rap. And I was like, okay. So I walked through a couple of questions. You know, First Corinthians 15 says, Bad company corrupts good character. Is he hanging out with kids that he shouldn't be hanging out with? She said, oh, no, they're youth group kids. Like, I know their parents. They're good kids. I said, was he listening to lyrics.

[Kristi Straub]

That are violent or demeaning to women?

[Dr. Josh Straub]

And she said, no, he's listening to.

[Kristi Straub]

Lecrae, who's a Christian rap artist. And I said, then I only got one piece of advice for you. And I got down on my knee because that's typically how I do to enter into their world. Eye level. I said, learn how to rap, because if you don't enter into their world and become a student of your children, they will find someone else who will learn and you'll build a wall between your heart and theirs. And it seems like there's been times throughout their teenage years where the time factor, and I hear this a lot from men. Well, I got to go provide. And you mentioned this. It's like that quality time is what creates the, the, the quantity. Time is what creates the quality time. If you're not putting in the quantity, then the moments for the quality don't typically end up being there. I'd love for you to just kind of share maybe a little bit of that kind of as you're talking about. Yeah. Showing up for the, you know, what activities, what. How did you enter into their world through their teenage years?

[Val Bure]

That's funny you say that, because I was just thinking about it, you know, I don't like to enter our youngest son's world because he plays a lot of video games and I don't like video games. And I'm like, I despise that. But hey, here I am, just sit with you. For five minutes, pretend like, I like this.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Yeah, yeah.

[Val Bure]

But with us, you know, we always, we hit. We made a lot of different rules while they were younger or even a teenagers. One of them was when we in the car, there is no cell phones, for example. So they said, well, we have nothing to do. I said, well, I don't know, look outside or do whatever. And an amazing part of that was our drive was about anywhere between an hour, an hour and a half each way. And sometimes they go to sleep quiet. Some days we have the most amazing conversations. And those are the things that you don't think about. Well, it's just a car ride, but the car ride can really turn into something very special. You don't know what's going to spark a conversation. He might come and start sharing the things with you. And so one of the things I think I would be driving and I go, guys, look at beautiful sunset, the missing world. So that, you know, one of the greatest things for, for us was that rule that we'd be able to connect in, in those kind of things.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah. And, and the kids are really, really great about it when Val's in the car. Not so great when mom's in the car. But I guess I'm not as, as strict on it, although it bothers me. So if I'm driving with one of the kids and they pull their cell phone out to look at it, it's like, hello, like you know the rule and. But yet I find that I'm probably the example that lets it slide. So if Val's driving, I'll pull out my phone and then I don't obey with the rule. And we talked about that. It's the consistency and, and walking the walk, not just, yeah, say as I say. What does it do as I say, not as I do, not as I do. But that has been overall, generally really an incredible rule that we've implemented. So anytime there's in the car, there's. You can't pull your cell phone out. And, and then at dinner time or lunchtime, anytime we're sitting down for a meal, there are no cell phones.

[Kristi Straub]

Yeah.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

At all.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

And I, I mean, you go back to Deuteronomy chapter six. I mean, that's what Moses is talking about. Yeah, go ahead.

[Kristi Straub]

Yeah.

[Natasha Bure]

Well, it's just what it said, like, you know, when you walk along the way, which is our version of drive time, it's like put like write these commands on your children's heart. And realizing that was sort of been our rule from, from little is like Drive time, bedtime, meal times, like just making those sacred spaces and. But it's interesting, I picked up on something you said, is are you more of the disciplinarian? Like when, when we were talking about last episode. We're talking about boundaries, but would you feel like that's more of your role?

[Val Bure]

It just comes more natural, I think, to me. And you know, I like to make sure that they follow the rules that we set. And yeah, you know, I know Candace for a fact was a little bit annoyed because I was so like, you know, no, no, no, you gotta do this, you gotta do this. So, yes, I might think I'm more of a consistent.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah, Val. And Val's. Val's very, very consistent and very disciplined in his life. And we didn't totally talk about you last week, like that much, but I just said you're the most disciplined person that I know in my life. And that's a reflection of who you are and all the accomplishments that you've had. I mean, you're a two time Olympian, you play professional sports your whole life and you know, you have a, you create a world class product too today. So anyway. But Val is like, we are different in that schedule and consistency is so very important to Val. And I've learned great things from that and become a much more disciplined person in my life too. But on the days where, you know, if he wasn't home and we were taking care of the kids, I'm the one saying, like, today's schedule is, there is no schedule. I just want to relax or let's just see what we feel like doing today. And that would be my breather. Instead of knowing at every hour what we're gonna do. Because Paul likes a day that's planned out.

[Val Bure]

Who doesn't?

[Dr. Josh Straub]

That's true. There are some, there's a. It's wild because you mentioned video games and I think this is important especially because I'm thinking of those listening who.

[Kristi Straub]

Are going, man, that's my issue is video games. And yeah, you know, our son, we, we allow him to play Nintendo Switch and have some video games. And I'm the same way as you. It's just, I'm like, man, is there anything else that we could be doing that's a better use of our time in some respects. But yet when I do father son events, I have them separate. I separate the fathers and the sons. And I do this questionnaire and one of the questions I ask fathers is, what's one thing you wish your son would be doing less of? And the greatest one is I wish you'd be doing less video games. And the cry of the teenagers is the sons is, I just wish my dad would do video games with me. And it's just this dynamic of going, okay, how do we as parents. And I think it's just really important for us to be thinking about, okay, how do we as parents, even though we feel like, yes, it is not the fun thing to do, it is not the. But how do we enter in, still set boundaries and discipline around it? Because I think that's really, really important, especially for boys. It's social media for girls in teenage years and it's video games for boys. Those are the most addictive dopamine, the most addictive, socially acceptable things that we're putting in teenagers in front of teenagers today. And so I think it's important that we do set boundaries around those things, but also that we are not just giving them to our kids and letting them, expecting them to figure it out on their own.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah.

[Kristi Straub]

So as a result of that, I just. Part of that is entering into our kids worlds. But I think that quality, it continues to reinforce that quality time and, or that quantity time because we're entering into their world. But then there's the component of quality time where the golden moments happen. And I hear this a lot from parents of teenagers where it's like, yeah, it wasn't anything specific that I did, it was just this one moment that I remember. And for me, I'm going to give an example. So I used to do a lot of counseling with juvenile delinquents and troubled teenagers. And the lack of a father figure was one of the most significant factors for these boys that were in these juvenile detention centers. And I remember one time there was this one kid I was, I was counseling and we were getting nowhere. We were, he was only in the cognitive. Right. We were just, he was just kind of, we were getting nowhere. And I remember him wanting. We didn't have kids at the time. And I remember him wanting. We had an appointment maybe like 5 o'clock in the afternoon. And I was, these kids were not in a juvenile detention center. They were court appointed to me after they were released to do counseling and community service. And this kid wanted to switch his time to a later time because he wanted to play basketball with his friends. But for me, we were getting nowhere. And I thought, man, I could change it, but I don't want to because I want him to learn what discipline is and I want him to learn to keep his word. So I said, no, I can't change the time. So I show up that day, and he's just sitting there. He's got his arms crossed, his head's down, and, I mean, he just looks angry. And we're going. We're getting nowhere. And finally, I look at him in the moment because I come to the here and now, and it's like, okay, I want to go to emotion. I want to go to the right brain. And I said, I get the sense you're really angry with me. And that's when he looks up and he looks me square in the eye and he cuss at me. And I was like, now we're getting somewhere. And in that session, he started sharing about how his dad was not in his life. And by the end of the session, he got very angry with me. I was able to sit with him and remain calm, and he grew in that session more than any other session. And by the end, he said, I've never had another man sit with me and not allow me to get angry without that man getting up and walking away or getting angry back with me. And he said, you're the first man to ever do that in my life. And what this. What this shows and what research shows is that true growth happens when we're thinking, feeling, and relating at the same time. So it's not just cognitive. It's not just. But we're also relating to someone, but we also have feeling. So this boy was in tears. And so I say that to say, a lot of times we're teaching, we're talking to our teenagers, and it's. It feels like it's going in one ear and out the other.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Right.

[Kristi Straub]

But there's these golden moments, and I think you've created your create. You created them by saying, no phones while we're driving.

[Natasha Bure]

Yeah.

[Kristi Straub]

And I. That's what I hear you saying. So I'd love to hear if there was any golden moments you had because of the discipline of setting. You know what? We're not gonna have phones at the table. We're not gonna have phones in the morning. We're gonna prioritize these certain times of the day where I think what it does is it creates the space for golden moments to happen, whether your teenagers are going on errands with you or what, you know, whatever it might be. Were there any moments you look back and you go, and it'll be fun maybe, to even ask your. Your kids this, because they'll probably remember some golden moments. But, yeah, just like moments where you go, oh, Wow.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I.

[Kristi Straub]

Look at that. I couldn't have orchestrated it, but it was just a sweet moment.

[Val Bure]

Well, I. You know, one of the examples I have, and it kind of brought me to my thought, what you were saying earlier, how, you know, people. Guys in general, not can really connect and open up with their kids or, you know, not expressive of their feelings or, you know, like you were saying, you know, I've never been hugged before. I never been told that I love you. So we were at the graduation of our youngest one and high school.

[Kristi Straub]

Yeah, high school.

[Val Bure]

And father after father gets up and, you know, has to do a speech. And as they do speeches, wow, they bowling. They cry. And I'm looking, I'm like, don't think I'll come out and cry. Should I cry? I don't want to cry. What is this, like? And then I realize they were so emotional, and they kind of coached them, and that's the first time they said, I love you.

[Natasha Bure]

Whoa.

[Val Bure]

That's the first time they've been hugged by their dads. By their dads. And I kind of got up and I go, you know, I give a speech and I go, max, do I really have to say that I love you? You hear that every day, like, for me. And I didn't make a joke, but I'm like, oh, my gosh. Made me realize some people, actually, kids don't hear that from their fathers. And, you know, I have a funny saying, you know, with Max in the morning, I go, who loves you, boy? And he goes, you do? I go, that's right. And off he goes. So it's a very important thing. And, you know, my father, for example, did not say, I love you or hug me as much. And not that, as, you know, I'm missing the part, but I want to give my kids that opportunity to feel loved.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

That's you becoming the parent you want to be, and that's leveling up with the good things that your dad did and then leveling up, going, but I didn't hear as much of the relational. I didn't get the physical emotional hugs and love. So I'm going to do that with my children. And you have done that the whole lives of our children and been such an incredible example in that way. And I think, you know, I just keep hearing, even the example that you use, Josh, that there's so. The father's role in a child's life, and particularly when they are in their teenage years, is so significant and so important. And we've seen it in many examples, sadly, in Our lives of. Of. Of people that we've seen where the dad isn't as present because they are working, and then the. They come home and it's just. It's too tired. I don't want to throw the ball with my child or whatever. But you see the distance in those relationships. And while I believe that moms are typically more naturally nurturing, it is really the so important that the dad show the emotion and the love that makes the significant difference when you're raising teenagers. And that's also not to say that our teenagers are. That we've got. We've gone through serious issues with our teenagers. So let me just tell you that right now, it has not been a smooth ride.

[Val Bure]

And sometimes, you know, it is hard. Sometimes as a teenager, boys or girls with an attitude that they have and they discover themselves, sometimes it is hard to give them a hug and tell them that I love you. You know, they do say some gnarly things into your face, and you have gotta be an adult in that situation and go, I love you. It doesn't matter. It hurts, but I love you.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

And Val has been. You've been a great partner in me because I. As stubborn as I think you are, I think I'm more stubborn in other ways. And Val's always like, honey, go give him a hug. Go give them a hug. Go touch their shoulder. Like, just go be with them. And it's like gritting my teeth, everything in me to do it, and yet I know how important it is. And like you said, I have to be the adult. It's incredible to have a partner when we are truly our teammates within the parenting relationship. Because where I falter, Val helps and picks me up. Where Val falters, I can see and help and pick. I mean, you never falter, honey. Never falter.

[Kristi Straub]

Can I ask this question?

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Because I know Christy and I struggled. I don't think we struggle with it as much as we used to. I think we've grown quite a bit. At least I know I have. Is that even in moments where maybe he has tried to correct you, where you don't get defensive, where it's like, and I know we're going to get into marriage in the next episode, but it's like, how you guys were able to. Did you find that you were always pretty teachable with one another when it came to parenting, or did you find that maybe it took a little bit of time for you to listen to him and go, okay, I'll do it.

[Val Bure]

It's easy to say no. In the heat of the moment, I. You know, it is hard.

[Natasha Bure]

Yeah.

[Val Bure]

It just is. No way to say it, you know, sugarcoat it. It just hard. But, you know, I think we've both.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Learned and grown along the way, and we've grown with each other, and there have been moments of where that safety connection, like, I'm trying to think of a good example, but, I mean, even a notch on a belt, you just. A lot of times when it's really difficult, you're like, where am I. Where am I gonna go with this? This is never. I can't. We're never gonna fix this. We can't get through this. And then yet you just get that one little yes moment where you're like, okay, we made it, and it feels like another notch in the belt, and then you feel a little bit safer. So then the next time it happens, I think I became. I became more and more comfortable that, like, okay, we're not actually fighting against each other. We actually are on the same team. And I think we talk about that, too. Like, you're actually closer than you are far apart. You just don't realize it in the emotion of things. And so that safety, I mean, we've been together for 30 years. It's been created over 30 years. So if you had asked us this question 10 years ago or even 20 years ago, we would have had a different answer. But we're now sitting in the place where we can say, man, it's worth it. And, guys, you're gonna get through it. If you stay consistent, you stay involved, and you stay focused and intentional in the lives of your children, you're gonna get through it. Hurricane Helene was really bad this fall, and you can make an eternal impact this Christmas season by helping people still struggling. Your $50 gift will give emergency essentials like food, water, and other critical supplies to one person in urgent need. Need. And your gift will be doubled thanks to matching funds. Give securely through World Help. Rated four stars by Charity Navigator. Give it World Help.net forward slash Candice. That's World Help.net Candice.

[Natasha Bure]

And what I love, like, it's truly like, teammates, like, that's what I feel like I'm watching. It's like you've. You've played the same game, like, you're on the same team, but you've balanced each other in such supportive ways, because I think that's where we found, like, there's things that I'm just more naturally good at or I notice, and then there's things that I. I get my Feelings hurt. Like, the kids, like, they push your buttons, and he's just steady, and he can come in and it sounds like that's what you've done, is like, you can come in and be like, this is not personal. This is not about you. This is.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

He's told me that so many times. You have.

[Kristi Straub]

You're like, I would love to jump.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Because I was going to ask you. You said. Because there's a lot of people listening whose teenagers are saying things to them that you're like, whoa, where's that coming from? And you said, you have to be the adult.

[Natasha Bure]

Yeah.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Can you define the ways that you've been an adult in those tumultuous teen years where you're. You feel like it is coming at you. What is. What did that look like for you in a practical way as a father?

[Val Bure]

I mean, the best example, just what I said, you know, when, you know, your teenage daughter comes in or, you know, teenage boys and look at you in the eye and start using a. Not a word that you ever taught them, and you have to look at it. I'm like, who is this kid disrespecting me? And you're losing your mind. But then you also step back and go, well, I'm an adult and you're not. You don't even know what you're saying. Separating yourself separate, you have to, you know, you have to do this. And you know, our kids, you know, it's hard inside. I'm boiling. I'm as frustrated as it can be. But I also inside go, you know, God, help me. Help me to get through this. Yeah.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I really think the Holy Spirit.

[Natasha Bure]

Right.

[Val Bure]

And I just literally praying in my head like, hey, just God, help me to get through this.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

And that's what I'm looking for. Because I think there's a lot of parents who are going, I. I can think about that in the moment, but I can't control my emotions. I'm getting overwhelmed. I'm getting angry. And to be able to have. Okay, what does that look like? Self talk. Holy Spirit, God, help me in this moment. Being able to stay disciplined. And. And I think it goes back to things we've talked about in previous episodes of. It really is a focus on who we're becoming as adults for us to maintain our cool.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

In those moments. And so I just really appreciate you sharing that. Is there ways that you have gone back maybe where maybe you didn't get it right, but yet you were able to repair? Or you think about ways that as a family you had repair in some of those moments.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I think one tool that's been really helpful for us has been our family conversations, family dialogues, like literally sitting around the table, getting in the living room and talking things out. Because there's still things that I know I don't have it right. You know, I have very different relationships with all three of my kids and some are more challenging than others. So there's still places even in their 20s that I know I'm not doing it right. But we're at a point where we're all adults so we can sit around and have dialogue. But even when they were in the tween years and teen years, if there was an issue, even if, like, if my issue was with Max, we would sit, all of us, Val, Natasha, Lev, and Max, and then say, Max, what's a problem that you have with Mom? Val would be moderator. And then, whoa, wow, you know, Candace, what's the problem? What's this? And then actually allow to hear everyone's voices and then we get to hear everyone else's opinions. Lev would speak into it and say, because Lev again is like our 50 year old man, even when he was 10 and he would, he, he would come up with something and he'd say, what I'm hearing is, mom, what Max is trying to say is blah, blah, blah. Max, what you're not understanding is mom is doing blah, blah, blah, blah. And then Natasha had a, you know, well, I can speak into this, whether it's from that point of view or hey, Max, or you know, I feel the same way sometimes, or mom, you do this to me too. And I know how Max feels about it. So that has been this incredibly helpful tool. It also bonds us as a family together. It gets us to all understand our personalities. So even at the ages that your kids are at, I would highly recommend, I don't know from a doctor point of view what you would say to that, but this has been such a valuable tool when we don't get it right to have those conversations and then with certain ones, we invite the whole family in.

[Kristi Straub]

That's really cool.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

And, and role playing is, is a very powerful tool. So even with kids our age, one of the things we'll do is if they don't get it right, we will stop it and we'll all come together as a family and role play. Okay, what could have you done differently? And, and even for kids who are going out into the world as it relates to school and maybe they had a, a peer or a friend and they had A situation that they didn't know how to handle. You can role play that as parents within the confines of your home to help your kids understand what would be a better way to handle that situation with your friends? And so exactly what you do, that.

[Kristi Straub]

That's such powerful insight.

[Natasha Bure]

It's so. Because I'm thinking even of times where, like, our older two have translated. Just like you're saying for me what I was not understanding or what I'm not even picking up. Yeah, like, mom, like, Kennedy's worried about this. Like, you're not hearing her, and it's like, oh, you're right. But they. They're so sharp. And I think we. We gloss over. Like, they have depth, like they have the Holy Spirit, too. They have such wisdom. I just love that you've done that. And this, what the family unit then gets to, like, we all grow through those conversations.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Go ahead.

[Val Bure]

No, no, I was just thought about. And you know, also, as they get older, the teenage years, you know, they all want to be loved differently. So, you know, the word love is one thing, but, you know, for one kid, it's spending time this way. Another kid is something different. So it's kind of, you know, that language. And you ask them, like, what is. I don't understand. I spend all that time with you and you still don't feel loved. And they'll be like, well, but you don't do this.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Okay, so it's the Gary Chapman book. Yeah, the Five Love Languages.

[Val Bure]

And it's fantastic.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

It's fantastic. We read that book a long time ago. Each person in our family read it. We discovered what our love language was. Well, not everybody who did it.

[Val Bure]

I don't know.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I think we all just told. We all knew what Val's love language was by reading it.

[Val Bure]

Yeah, but we shared. I think we shared it.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I believe that this is yours. Would you like to read that chapter? And he read that chapter.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

It's amazing.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

But that has been an instrumental book in our lives, too. That's a great point to. To make of the different love languages that each of our children have so that we can know how they feel.

[Kristi Straub]

Loved Gary. Such an amazing man. Love that man.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

I want to ask this question because I think this is, you know, we've talked about some of the harder things. What were some of the, you know, adventure, vacation. Some of these things also shape who we are as a family. And I guess question I want to have is kind of go to the positive instead of always focusing on, you know, the harder parts about being teenagers. Because that's what we tend to focus on. And we're like, oh man. But I think there's, when we talk about cultivating the environment of our home, we want it to be a joy filled environment. We want it to be our kids to be able to come home and feel safe coming back home. And if you're not having fun, that's.

[Kristi Straub]

Part of the, part of the, part.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Of this great point.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

So, so where are some ways that you guys cultivated adventure, you guys had fun, some memories that you can look back on that you go, this is, these are the ways we made sure there was fun and joy in our.

[Kristi Straub]

Household through the teenage years.

[Val Bure]

You know, I mean, again, it's not a big things, it's a little things that's, you know, taking the trips or going on the hikes or going watch the sunrise. It's a time. And then not necessarily in the beginning they want to do this. They'll be like, I have to wake up to go see the sunrise. That sucks. You know, but then as they do it and then you reflect later in their life, they're like, oh my gosh, I miss those times. Why don't we do it? Do you remember that?

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Of course.

[Val Bure]

And it's interesting to see how now we're sitting down with them and then having conversation and you don't even realize how much of the affect some of the things that you did because, and.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Even, even things like. Because I was talking to Natasha about this the other day. She said it was like we had our. On certain nights of the week, let's just call it Friday night. We had our out to dinner night. We had our sushi and yogurt if we lived in this area or we had the other sushi place and froyo, you know, when we lived in Florida. But those were treats. And it was, they were consistent that we always went to this restaurant and then this frozen yogurt place. But they will forever remember that. And that always brought us joy. We had laughs, we had conversations. And that's just a fun thing. And another connection that was really easy to do. It's froyo. But it wasn't, it wasn't the occasional treat. It was like, this is what we get to do on Friday nights. Yeah. Things like that.

[Val Bure]

Yeah.

[Natasha Bure]

And you just said like, this is what we do. Like this, we.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

It's when we're creating happy memories.

[Natasha Bure]

Yeah. It's like I think those are the things that I feel like it's like those anchor moments, like you look back in your childhood it's like, well, we always did this. And it's like, obviously the adventure and the new things are fun too. But I think especially in those teen years, we're not there yet. But those anchoring things where it's like we always do this. So even when the whole world is changing out there and everything feels scary, home and family, like we are anchored.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I mean, talking with Natasha, she was even saying in the. Well, she can tell all the things. The 5am wake ups to go jogging before school, all of that with all the kids, not, not just her. But one of the other reflections was.

[Val Bure]

Like that I thought that was a happy times.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

No, the happy times and an anchor moment that they won't forget. That was a good positive one that they might not have loved in the right at the time. But they look back and they're like, that was really cool. Is that you always took them to bagels before school on certain days of the week, whether it was Monday or Wednesday. And you would do like Bibles and bagels, you would do the, the devo with them always before school with the, with making it fun around food. So that was the special morning that they would go get a bagel with cream cheese. We're going to do the devo and then you're going to school.

[Natasha Bure]

Wow.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

And they remember that and that. That's beautiful. Yeah.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

And, and you guys, what was fascinating about this when I asked this question was you didn't say the big vacation we did to this, this year or the big vacation we did to, you know, this place. It was the mundane. What seemingly mundane, ritualistic, traditional moments that make the Bure family like. That's, that's what I heard. And I think it's so often we tend to downplay the routines of our lives. But I think tradition and ritual are so critical to our ability. I mean, that's what faith is all about, right? It's like we have these, these rituals, I think that are very, very important in our faith that we translate into family dynamic. And that's what I'm hearing. I, we have a mentor that says God shows up in the unexpected, you know, but yet so often we're like waiting for God to show up in these big moments. But for Elijah, as he's, you know, being chased down, he. It wasn't, it wasn't the big moments.

[Kristi Straub]

It wasn't the fire, it wasn't the earthquake, it wasn't the wind. It was a whisper.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

And I hear you guys doing is you've cultivated through the years these moments that were quiet, that were routine.

[Kristi Straub]

That technology was put away. You're going out for sushi. You're creating moments where you can hear the whisper and you can hear one another whisper, and you can hear the whisper of your teens. And it set the stage even to hear their hearts and to hear the cries of their hearts through those gentle whispers. And I just think that's a really cool thought to have. It challenges me to make sure that we keep doing those things in our lives.

[Natasha Bure]

It changes your focus. You know, it's. It's not the biggest thing. Yeah, it really is the small thing.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Okay, guys, we have to go to a listener question. Okay, so honey, we take questions from our listeners. They write in every week. I don't think Val's ever listened to the podcast, so we. They write in how you throw me under a bus.

[Val Bure]

I have not.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

The truth is I haven't. So people write in.

[Val Bure]

Why listen when I can be here?

[Natasha Bure]

Yeah, this is true.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

This is true. And we answer every week our listener questions. So this one is from Allison and she asks, how do you disconnect from your teenager's emotions while trying to teach them empathy.

[Val Bure]

And empathy? Know what the empathy means?

[Candace Cameron Bure]

So guess what? I have the definition of empathy. I lift it up. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. To understand and share the feelings of another.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

And so I'm assuming that what she means is, is I might not agree with their emotion. So how do I show empathy if I don't agree with my teenagers emotions? Is that what we're.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I think so. It's the. It's worded a little bit funny because she's saying, how do I teach them empathy while disconnecting from their emotions?

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Stephen Covey has a. I love this. He talks about this. It might even be in the 7 Habits of a Highly Effective Leader. He says, in order to be understood, we must first understand. And so it's kind of taking the golden rule. Instead of treating one another as you want to be treated, in order to be understood, we must first understand. And I think the way that I hear empathy and the way I understand empathy and have through the years is in order for me, in order for my kids to.

[Kristi Straub]

Or.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Or even for Christy to understand a point of view that I have in order for them. I'll use my kids in this context, since we're talking about parenting. In order for my kids to understand a point I'm trying to make, I first have to understand where they're coming from. Because if I don't enter into their world and understand them. It's going to go in one ear, not the other. And I think that that's kind of what we're. It's almost like when the. When you talked about Landon coming to you and saying, but, Mom, Kennedy is this. Or your kids coming to you and saying, you know, to the sit down where one of your children is trying to give you the perspective of one of your other children.

[Kristi Straub]

It's.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

It's that dynamic where we sit and we go, okay, what really is going on underneath? What. What are they actually feeling? And can you label that feeling similar? I mean, looking at the feelings chart, can you label that feeling so that I can understand? I might not agree with the emotion, I might not agree with the situation, but if I don't connect with the heart of my teenager, if I don't connect and they feel understood, I haven't really done empathy. I haven't done empathy until the other person feels like I have seen them.

[Kristi Straub]

And understood where they're.

[Natasha Bure]

It's that really, like, feeling felt like. It's like, you. You get me. Like I feel felt by you. We were just talking about this earlier where, you know, we're in these little preteen years. I guess that.

[Val Bure]

Yeah, true.

[Natasha Bure]

So weird to say. And I've had so many other moms be like, oh, is your daughter getting into the attitude and, you know, all these things and, and honestly, she's. She's not. But it comes in like little, like, it'll come out a little bit. And she's like, how do you handle that? I was like, I guess I've just learned to ask what's really going on? You know, and she throws out a little bit of that sass. It's like, okay, sure, what's really going on? Because there's something underneath that. And I think that's the point of feeling felt, where it's like, I can toss out these sort of angry, sarcastic barbs, but really I'm just. There's something much more tender going on underneath.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

And I think it's important for you to also share. One thing that you really teach on, I think you do well in is being curious.

[Natasha Bure]

Yeah.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

I think it's just a simple principle.

[Natasha Bure]

I think curiosity. So curiosity is disarming for everyone and it's the least threatening where sometimes even in ourselves, it's like, why am I reacting so big? Like, I am so angry at my child's emotion, or I'm so angry at my spouse, or I'm so something. Anything that feels so big. And it feels like threatening. Like, I don't know what to do with this. And the really, the best way to approach it is just to be curious about it. Can you be curious about, hmm, I wonder why. Like, why is that so big in me? But the same is true for understanding anyone else where I'm not going to take it personally that you got angry with me. It's like, oh, I'm curious. Like, I wonder what that might be for you. And it's so disarming in all relationships because it just puts a different spin on how you're approaching that person. It's not like, I'm not taking this personally or offensively, but it makes me curious, like, what's deeper within you? And I think that's the one curiosity, if anything, is it puts you down to the bottom level of like, yeah, there we go. That's what's really going on.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Okay, we have one more question from Veronica. She. She says, I loved the Better Together episode in season six with Jenny Allen. Thank you, Veronica. I would love to hear more about marriage and fun ways to keep your relationship spicy. Ever since my daughters have become teenagers, they're 16, 15, and 10, I found it hard to relax and I want to engage in nookie nookie, lol with my husband at home. Is that normal? Am I alone on this one? Please kick the kids out of the house. Yes.

[Val Bure]

Very simple. And fix the problem.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

You are not alone. I feel like this is always TMI when I do sit down interviews. Because if it's like People magazine or Us Weekly, they always want to know about, do you have time for this? And then it grosses my kids out because I answer it and they're like.

[Val Bure]

I don't have time for this.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Talking about this time for this baby. We do. We've.

[Val Bure]

I hope Natasha's not watching the episode.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah, I know. Yeah, I'll put a warning at the front of this. Kids, do not watch this episode. We have sent our kids on many a walk. Go take a walk around the block.

[Val Bure]

Now that the adults are like, yeah, now they will.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Because they know what that means. We also.

[Natasha Bure]

Did they know what that meant?

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Well, they do now. They do now. But we're like, guys, don't you feel like going for a walk? And they're like, like, yeah, we don't want to hear that. But when they were younger, if they were. Obviously you're with your kids all the time. We had a pretty hard rule about our bedroom door being closed. So if our bedroom door was closed, whether or not. It was locked, but of course we would lock it. But the bedroom door meant. You may not open our bedroom door.

[Val Bure]

Wow.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

That is our space and our time. And you knock, and we can open it and allow you in or not. But if it's open, you're free to come in. But that door closed meant something. And. And a lot of times, I mean, we could have just been talking.

[Val Bure]

Yeah.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

If we wanted to be doing.

[Val Bure]

Papa gonna go talk.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah. But sometimes, you know, we work. Air quote talking. So that was our rule in our house and our kid. You could ask Max. You could ask Natasha when they're on the show.

[Val Bure]

Max did not follow those rules.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

One time he did it, and it backfired on him.

[Natasha Bure]

Yep.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Because he walked in on us.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Wow.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

And that was more shocking and traumatizing for him. Not for. Not as much for us. Although I was still, like, traumatized. But I. I think in that I. I was so upset. Upset. Sorry, guys. I'm losing my voice a little bit. I was so upset. And I was like, bonnie, you have to go talk to him. You, like, you tell. Like, what was he thinking? We have this rule. You cannot open the door when it's closed. And our door was actually locked. And he. He picked the lock. Which was absurd. Good for him. Like, wow, you need to go talk to him. What got into his mind that he did this? And Val left the room. And when he came back, I was like, what happened? What did he say? What did you tell him? And he was like, honey, I didn't have to say anything. Like, he knew there was no words needed to be spoken. He will never do that again.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Oh, my goodness.

[Natasha Bure]

Natural consequences. The best teacher.

[Val Bure]

That's it.

[Natasha Bure]

Yeah, that's exactly.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

So, Veronica, just tell your kids to go take a walk. Keep that relationship spicy, because one day they're going to be out of the house. House. And you want to still have that great relationship with your husband. So.

[Val Bure]

Yeah, we're still waiting until they're out of the house.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Some days.

[Val Bure]

But it's funny enough, you want him to be out of the house, but once they're out of the house, you want them back in. So it is true. It is true. You know, so it's one of those things.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Well, this was such a fun episode. And guess what? Val's coming back for the next one.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

I'm excited.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah. Too. And we're going to be talking more about marriage and conflict within marriage. So make sure that you tune in next week. And remember, we have something special for you this season called the Healthy Home Guide and it's adapted from Josh and Christie's book Famous at Home. The free PDF is all about understanding emotions in your home and helping kids understand their feelings. Just go to Candice.com to get it and look in our show notes. Until next time. Be grateful. I'll day every day. Candy Rock Entertainment all rights reserved.