Josh and Christi Straub: Setting Boundaries with Kids

Summary

The Candace Cameron Bure Podcast: Episode Summary

Title: Josh and Christi Straub: Setting Boundaries with Kids
Release Date: December 12, 2024
Hosts: Candace Cameron Bure, Dr. Josh Straub, Kristi Straub
Guest: Dr. Josh Straub and Kristi Straub

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1. Introduction and Lighthearted Start

The episode kicks off with a warm welcome from Candace Cameron Bure, setting the tone for an engaging and authentic conversation about parenting challenges and triumphs.

Kristi Straub shares her anticipation for the episode's topic:

"I feel like a lot of parents have been waiting for this topic because it can feel the most tedious at times and the most effective thing, the thing that we need to do, sometimes we hate to do, do, sometimes we really want to do."
[01:05]

Hidden Talents and Fun Conversations: The hosts delve into a lighthearted segment about hidden talents, revealing personal anecdotes that showcase their personalities beyond parenting.

Candace Cameron Bure discusses her knack for drumming:

"I do enjoy playing drums when I was a kid, and I... Yeah, can do that. But I don't do it formally or... Yeah, I wouldn't say that I was good enough to do it."
[02:05]

Dr. Josh Straub humorously mentions his college volleyball days:

"I played volleyball in college, so that was my... I don't know if that's."
[01:50]

2. Favorite Family Activities in Nashville

The conversation shifts to favorite family spots in Nashville, highlighting activities that foster family bonding and fun.

Candace Cameron Bure recommends Soundwaves, an indoor and outdoor water park:

"We do a little staycation. We go and we stay a night at the Aubrey Land, and then we just crush for two days the water park there. It is actually really cool."
[05:15]

Dr. Josh Straub suggests Arrington Vineyards for a relaxed family picnic:

"Arrington is like, yeah, you can bring a picnic. It's like in a vineyard. You can just sit everyone. They have, like, outdoor music, and it..."
[05:58]

Candace Cameron Bure emphasizes the joy of live music and songwriter nights in Nashville:

"I do love live music. I love songwriter's nights in Nashville, where you sit, you go to a place and you hear the songwriter. You hear these popular songs being played, but you're hearing them being played by the person who wrote the song, not maybe the artist that you've known a song for."
[06:00]

3. Sharing Personal Stories on Discipline and Boundaries

Dr. Josh and Kristi Straub open up about their personal experiences with setting boundaries and disciplining their children, providing relatable insights for parents navigating similar challenges.

Dr. Josh Straub recounts a memorable standoff with their daughter Kennedy over a s'more:

"I was like, honey, well, I think daddy gave you one. Nope. Okay, well, I'm gonna go talk to daddy, and if he tells me that, you know, he gave you a s'more already, then I know that you're not telling me the truth, and there will be a consequence."
[07:05] – [09:31]

Candace Cameron Bure reflects on the importance of maintaining boundaries:

"I think when it comes to setting boundaries, especially with rules in the home, we need to be clear, we need to be consistent, and we need to follow through."
[12:30]

She further elaborates on the principles of discipline:

"Discipline, as Mr. Rogers said, the continual, everyday process of learning self-discipline."
[13:34]

4. Handling Sibling Rivalry

The hosts discuss strategies for managing sibling rivalry, emphasizing the importance of teaching respect and collaboration among siblings.

Kristi Straub shares an incident involving her teenage sons:

"They were in our bedroom, and it was in the hallway, so... it was like awful. As a mom, my heart was breaking because... But that was the only time I remember them physically fighting."
[30:26] – [32:28]

Candace Cameron Bure explains her approach to resolving conflicts:

"My consequence for that is I'm going to give them a task that they have to accomplish together. And if they don't, and they have to work together as a team to accomplish it."
[29:00] – [30:25]

5. Approaches to Discipline and Setting Boundaries

Dr. Josh and Kristi delve deeper into their philosophies on discipline, highlighting the balance between setting clear boundaries and fostering an environment of love and respect.

Kristi Straub emphasizes purposeful consequences:

"I don't want to have like a random consequence that really has nothing to do with what they've done."
[15:54]

Candace Cameron Bure introduces Mr. Rogers' definition of discipline:

"I think of discipline as the continual everyday process of learning self-discipline... we have to be disciplined as parents as well."
[12:30] – [13:34]

She also references Allison Gopnik’s book, "The Gardener and the Carpenter," to illustrate parenting styles:

"We are more like gardeners with our children. It's like cultivating a garden... There's something beautiful about that."
[19:00] – [20:56]

6. Listener Question and Advice

The episode addresses a listener’s concern about marital disagreements over language used around children, offering practical and faith-based advice.

Listener Question from Katie:

"My husband and I don't always see eye to eye about bad language around the kids. I feel disrespected and it hurts. How do we tackle this?"
[36:06]

Candace Cameron Bure advises approaching the issue as a team:

"Use us... I think we have to be able to use 'us' and... how can we come together as a team and do that together, where I support you, where you feel respected as a father and a husband."
[36:42] – [39:27]

Kristi Straub suggests incorporating prayer and scripture:

"I would start praying for the heart of my husband... show him the Scriptures... it's about honoring God and teaching our children godly principles."
[39:27] – [41:00]

7. Conclusion and Teasers for Next Episode

The hosts wrap up the episode by encouraging listeners to stay engaged and teasing upcoming content.

Kristi Straub invites listeners to join their email list for additional resources:

"We have a free download for you this season. We're calling it the Healthy Home Guide, and it comes from Josh and Christy's book, Famous at Home."
[41:33] – [41:49]

Candace Cameron Bure emphasizes the importance of continual growth and discipline:

"We have to pay attention to how we're treating one another... it's not personal; it's them trying to figure out their world."
[35:30] – [35:46]

---

Key Takeaways:

• Clear and Consistent Boundaries: Establishing and maintaining clear rules helps children understand expectations and consequences.
• Consistent Discipline: Applying consequences that are directly related to the behavior reinforces learning.
• Modeling Behavior: Parents must embody the discipline and respect they wish to see in their children.
• Team Approach in Marital Relations: Addressing parenting disagreements as a unified team fosters mutual respect and effective solutions.
• Emotional Safety: Creating a supportive and loving environment allows children to develop self-discipline and moral understanding.
• Prayer and Faith-Based Guidance: Incorporating spiritual practices can strengthen family bonds and guide parental decisions.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Kristi Straub on Parenting Challenges:

  "I feel like a lot of parents have been waiting for this topic because it can feel the most tedious at times and the most effective thing, the thing that we need to do, sometimes we hate to do, do, sometimes we really want to do."
  [01:05]

• Candace Cameron Bure on Discipline:

  "Discipline, as Mr. Rogers said, the continual, everyday process of learning self-discipline."
  [12:30]

• Listener Advice on Marital Unity:

  "Use us... I think we have to be able to use 'us' and... how can we come together as a team and do that together, where I support you, where you feel respected as a father and a husband."
  [36:42]

---

This episode of The Candace Cameron Bure Podcast offers profound insights into effective parenting through setting boundaries and disciplined yet loving guidance. By sharing personal stories and practical advice, Dr. Josh and Kristi Straub provide listeners with valuable strategies to foster respectful and responsible behaviors in their children.

Transcript

[Candace Cameron Bure]

What happened whenever your children didn't respond to the boundaries, didn't respond to the discipline? How did you respond then?

[Kristi Straub]

I feel like we responded reasonably. These are going to be great questions for my kids when they.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

When they're on the show.

[Kristi Straub]

Natasha, you tell us you break down. Life is like a roller coaster, but it's better when we go through it together. Welcome to the Candace Cameron Bure Podcast. We're here to share conversations about life's challenges, celebrations, and everything in between. Our guest hosts this season are Dr. Josh and Kristi Straub. Come on and join us. Hi, guys.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Hello.

[Kristi Straub]

Another exciting episode.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Yeah.

[Kristi Straub]

I feel like a lot of parents have been waiting for this topic because it can feel the most tedious at times and the most effective thing, the thing that we need to do, sometimes we hate to do, do, sometimes we really want to do.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Yep.

[Kristi Straub]

We're talking about setting boundaries with your kids.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yep.

[Kristi Straub]

But before we get into this, which could be kind of heavy, I don't know, maybe it won't be. Maybe it'll be really funny. I. I just want our. Our listeners to get to know you guys a little bit better, and I feel like you have shared so much. It's been incredible. But I. I want them to see the fun side of you guys, too.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

So we do have fun side.

[Kristi Straub]

I'm just gonna have some questions for you. Okay, here's the question.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Okay.

[Kristi Straub]

Do either of you have any hidden talents?

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Hidden talents? Do you. You. You used to.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Oh, great. What is it?

[Kristi Straub]

What is it?

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

You. Because I played volleyball.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Because you played volleyball.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

I played volleyball in college, so that was my. I don't know if that's.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I just have never seen you play.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Volleyball, so it's been hidden from you.

[Kristi Straub]

Oh, I see.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Yeah.

[Kristi Straub]

Hidden from you.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

That's what it was.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

It feels like a former life, to be totally honest.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah. Your talents would be. For me, I do enjoy playing drums.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Yeah.

[Kristi Straub]

Okay.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Played drums when I was a kid, and I. Yeah, can do that. But I don't do it formally or. Yeah, I wouldn't say that I was good enough to do it.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

You know what? I'm gonna say you're pretty good on a Blackstone.

[Kristi Straub]

On a what?

[Dr. Josh Straub]

A Blackstone. Do you know it's like those, like, grills.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

It's almost like basically like a cast iron.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Oh, really? Hibachi.

[Kristi Straub]

Okay.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Yeah, he's gotten quite good.

[Kristi Straub]

That's really.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I do enjoy cooking. I enjoy.

[Kristi Straub]

That's. You can talk about that's new a lot. What's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I'm going to actually say this is funny because growing up, I wouldn't have thought that this was weird. But looking back on it and knowing how I eat today, I'm like, that's really weird. A scrapple. You ever heard of scrapple?

[Kristi Straub]

I don't know what scrapple? Is it a Southern thing?

[Dr. Josh Straub]

No, it's Pennsylvania.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

But when you butcher a pig. Okay, okay. It's like you do the bacon and you do the ham and you do that. But the scrapple is like what they make with all the other rest of the stuff.

[Kristi Straub]

Okay.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

They combine it all and they put it in this slab of maybe meat.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

I don't know, like baloney. I feel like a bologna.

[Kristi Straub]

But it's not. You don't put it in Tasting like a sausage. Is it just like.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

It's.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

What kind of.

[Kristi Straub]

Is almost like.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

It's almost in the sausage and then they, like, cut it.

[Kristi Straub]

Okay.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

No, it's like a little patty. A scrapple was like a little patty.

[Kristi Straub]

So is it Spam?

[Candace Cameron Bure]

It's like a patty of, like, it's.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

It's in a can.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

It was like a thing that we all ate. And I was like that. I don't know that that was good.

[Kristi Straub]

I've never had that. I've never even heard of that.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

And people eat it a lot. They talk about it.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

It's weird.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

I wonder. We're back there.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

It's a weird thing. It's weird.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

I like what comes to me. And this is probably going to sound really Canadian. It's maybe even not that weird. But we. We would take, like, maple syrup.

[Kristi Straub]

Maple syrup on everything.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

They're stereotypical Canadian. We take maples.

[Kristi Straub]

A very elf of you.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

And we in snow. So it freezes. So it makes like a maple. It's almost like a candy, but it's like a frozen candy. But I realized how stereotypically Canadian that sounds.

[Kristi Straub]

The fact that I've never heard that and spent half my life in Canada and film all of my movies there.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Put it in a new movie.

[Kristi Straub]

I need to call you for more tips.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Christmas movie tips. I'm your girl. You should try that in a movie. They, like, do it, like, on their little date. But that's so cute. But it's really good because it makes it like a toffee candy.

[Kristi Straub]

Yeah. Thing that sounds delicious. Anyway, do you guys have any fame? Favorite family spots in Nashville?

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I would say yes. And I would say this would be because of our children. Is sound waves. Sound waves is the water park that is built into The Gaylord Opryland Hotel, and they have an indoor and outdoor component to it. And so we do a little staycation. We go and we stay a night at the Aubry Land, and then we just crush for two days the water park there. It is actually really cool.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Bring earplugs.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah. Because it's in the inside part. It's loud.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

It's called water.

[Kristi Straub]

Okay.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

So there's, like, music in, like, every part.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

It's a lot, but it's a lot.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

It is.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I really enjoy it.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

It is really? Kids love it, and we live, like, outside of Nashville, so, like, anything I would say that we actually enjoy is probably, like, further out, hiking, things like that. Yeah, yeah. Like, there's just. We really love it. I think what I would say is, oh, even, like, Arrington Vineyards is super fun to, like, bring. I don't know if you've ever been there.

[Kristi Straub]

No.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Arrington is like, yeah, you can bring a picnic. It's like in a vineyard. You can just sit everyone. They have, like, outdoor music, and it.

[Kristi Straub]

That sounds.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

And it's.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I do love live music. I love songwriters nights in Nashville, where you sit, you go to a place and you hear the songwriter. You hear these popular songs being played, but you're hearing them being played by the person who wrote the song, not maybe the artist that you've known a song for. And sometimes you get a backstory behind it and where the song came from. Those are beautiful.

[Kristi Straub]

So, guys, I was going to say, which is really selfish of me, like, great. So the next time I come visit Nashville, you know where to take me. And then I just realized, how about I say, why don't I watch the kids, and you guys could go out and have a date night. See that? Becoming the parent and person I want.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

To be the grandparent in training.

[Kristi Straub]

Yes.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Like, let me take the kids.

[Kristi Straub]

Okay, my final question. Well, it's actually getting into today's topic, but we're going to be talking about. About discipline and boundaries with our kids. So do you guys have a story that you're willing to share that your kids wouldn't mind you sharing where maybe they got in trouble?

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Oh, yeah. This has become a family. Like, some of these have become family lore, like, where it's, like, old and retold so many times.

[Kristi Straub]

Does it get better each time? It totally does.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

And for some reason, similar to you with Natasha.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Yes.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

With her lying. And we talked about that. Yeah, we speak. But what I love about it is I love when parents are freaked out. Like, I just caught My son or daughter lying. And you're like, awesome. This is. Every child. Your child is going to lie. They are normal. And this is.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

You're raising a human.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

That's right.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kennedy. It was Kennedy. And she was, I think, three. We were at the cottage, and we were at. My whole family was there, so we would go on this big, like, a summer vacation. We try to. We don't all live in the same place, and so we get together, and so it's the cousins, and we're having this bonfire down at the water, and the kid, they're making s'mores. We have those, like, glow stick. You know, like, party glow stick. You know, they've got the bracelets and the wands and the thing. And so we're gonna have a glow stick party dance party. And. But they started with s'mores, and Josh had given Kennedy a s'more, which I had seen. Like, I knew that it had happened. And then she came to me, and she was like, mommy, can I have a s'more? And I said, well, honey, did you have one? Nope.

[Kristi Straub]

Like, it's the same.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Like, is this every child's, like, rite of passage? I was like, honey, well, I think daddy gave you one. Nope. Okay, well, I'm gonna go talk to daddy, and if he tells me that, you know, he gave you a s'more already, then I know that you're not telling me the truth, and there will be a consequence. Okay. And it was like this. I'm like, where did you come from, little miss? And we went into a standoff about this darn s'more for. I think it was literally hours.

[Kristi Straub]

Like, oh, my goodness.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

To the point where I was like, you do not get to attend the glow stick party. The dude had to take her back.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Up to the cottage.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Take her back up to the cottage, which I was so mad about, because I didn't want to be in the cottage. I wanted to be down in the glow stick dance party. And I had to go in, up and sit with her in the cottage until she confessed, which.

[Kristi Straub]

Did she. Eventually she did.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

It was.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

But it was probably two, three hours later. Literally, it was a standoff.

[Kristi Straub]

That's how I felt.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I remember Christy coming out to me and saying, I cannot let her win this.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Yeah.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

This is.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

It's like.

[Kristi Straub]

It was one of those.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Like, it was.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

That's why when you told us to her, I was like, oh, my word. I relate so well, because it was like, I. I do realize there's a lot of hills that are not worth dying on. This was one. It was like the first time where she dug her heels in and it was a battle of wills, but. But not just about something arbitrary. It's like, we do not lie. And. And I don't know to this day if she has lied since. It was, like, so ingrained in her after that standoff. She's. Now, she's not one to be. To be deceitful, but it was like something did break that day, but. Oh, my word. But it cost us, too.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

It did.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

I wanted to give in because I didn't want to have to do this. And I think that's why it's become family lore, because now they have a little brother and they're like, oh, Micah, do not lie to mom and dad. Like, I gotta tell you the story of the glossy party.

[Kristi Straub]

I never got the confession from Natasha ever. Never got it.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Wow.

[Kristi Straub]

But I think that's where I went wrong because it didn't set the precedence.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

That's like, I. This is so wild. And I'm going to make this analogy anyway. We have a dog, and training a dog, you always want to make sure that you're the last one to look away. Like when you're training a dog and a dog is in trouble, it's like, if we're going to maintain eye contact and that dog is staring at me, he has to. Submission is when that dog looks away first and you got to make sure you maintain eye contact. And I think it's a similar principle with our kids of we need to make sure we stand our ground rather than just giving in. Because when we give in, our children learn that, oh, well, I can get over on mom and Dad. I can get over. I can get over. Because that's what we end up doing. And I think when it comes to setting boundaries, especially with rules in the home, we need to be clear, we need to be consistent, and we need to follow through. And I think those are three mistakes we tend to make when we're disciplining kids is, number one, we're not clear on the rules. So in other words, it might be that, you know, okay, the house is clean. You gotta take off your shoes before you come into the house. Well, three days later, the house is dirty again, and we're like, ah, whatever. Just, you can wear your shoes. But then house gets clean again, and it's like, oh, I told you, you gotta take off your shoes. But we're not being clear. Either we're taking off our shoes or we're not. It's like we have to be clear on the rules and then we have to be consistent in implementing those rules. And so, and I think sometimes we make mistakes is we have too many rules that our kids are trying to follow and they don't know or we're not consistent enough. And then always following through with discipline as it relates to what's the consequence if we're not following those rules. And I think those is trying to simplify it as much as we can. That's the area that we really want to pay attention to. And I also say, I say this. We've spoken so much in this season about becoming and that our children turn out become who we are. And I Love thinking about Mr. Rogers definition of discipline. He said, I think of discipline as the continual everyday process of learning self discipline. And I think that's so beautiful for each of us because that's what we're trying to do. We're trying to get our children to learn self discipline. But it's a continual, everyday process that we're all trying to learn. And so therefore we have to be disciplined as parents as well. We have to know that with my teenagers, if I'm going to set a rule about social media and my phone and screen time, I best be doing a similar thing and modeling it for my kids as opposed to do as I say, not as I do. More is caught than taught. And so we want to pay attention to that and prioritize that. Candace, I'd be interested for you. Was it hard setting boundaries with your kids?

[Kristi Straub]

I don't know if this is surprising, but no, it wasn't hard for me to set boundaries or for Val. I'm also married to one of the most disciplined people I have ever known in my entire life. His consistency and willingness to be a disciplined person is exceeding. It is.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

You don't become a professional athlete without having that.

[Kristi Straub]

Exactly.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yep.

[Kristi Straub]

So it wasn't hard for me because also in the same way again, gonna go back to being a kid actor. Those were things I had to be as a child. So that set an expectation for what I thought my children should be able to do. So to set those boundaries.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

So I guess the question would then be that you guys were disciplined, but what happened whenever your children didn't respond to the boundaries, didn't respond. Respond to the discipline? How did you respond then?

[Kristi Straub]

Yeah, how did we respond for you guys? Yeah, the behavior. I feel like we responded reasonably. This. These are going to be great questions for my kids when they, when they're on the show. You freaked Out. I'm sure I did freak out some days, but I feel like for the most part, you know, it's disappointing. As a parent, you're thinking of, okay, what do I have to do? What type of consequence do I want to give them? And what is the type of consequence that fits the, the bill or fits the crime? Like, I don't want to have like a random consequence that really has nothing to do with what, what they've done. So, for instance, if, if, if they went, if one of my kids went out and like met their friends after I told them, you're not allowed to go out, you need to stay home and do your homework, then the consequence has to fit that. It has to be like, well, then you're grounded from seeing your friends for another day or two. Or, well, I'm going to take your phone because if you were texting them when you weren't supposed to, the phone goes away. I don't want to randomly just say, well, you can't go to Disneyland two weeks from now. That's your consequence. That really had nothing to do with what they were doing at that specific moment. Those were the types of ways we tried to respond as fast as we could.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Well, and I think it's important too to realize, you know, one of the, I think it's one of the most worried about aspects of parenting for all of us is, are my kids listening? Am I disciplining? And yet. And there was a few seasons or a few episodes back earlier in the season where I talked about this meta analysis by this guy out of Harvard who talked about the top 10 parenting strategies to get the outcomes we most desire in our kids. It wasn't number seven on the list was behavior modification or discipline. And so you think about that and you're like, wow, that was the seventh one on the list. So many of the other ones as we talked about, were who we're becoming as adults. And I think behavior modification or discipline, what we don't want to do, we don't want our 16 year old driving safely because they know they're going to get a Snickers bar when they get home. Right? There has to be a point at which moral development is like, all right, I'm going to drive safely because of all the other people out there on the road. It's not because mom and dad are going to give me a Snickers bar. So you've got now that Snickers bar or whatever. The positive reinforcement is important early on, but there comes a point at which we have to explain the why to our kids, and it help them experience the natural consequences of when they don't. When they don't follow the rules or meet the expectations or hit the boundary. And I think those are two. I like to say this. I see in my children if I can get them to experience as close as possible to the natural consequence similar to what you're talking about, the natural consequence of what they disobeyed in where they sinned or however that looked like. And then, number two, if they feel remorse for what they did to me, I think those are two of the most beautiful outcomes that we want to see when it comes to setting boundaries. Because that's where discipline comes into play. Right. It's like that's where if I'm going to. And I love to think about this. You know, you talked about Val. I think of this as if life were a playing field. You know, I am only going to see the field if I'm practicing the fundamentals over and over and over again. I'm not going to see the field if I don't know how to interact with other humans. I'm not going to see the playing field if I'm lying all the time. And I never learned that lying is a problem. You know, I'm never going to see the field if I'm speaking disrespectfully to authority figures and to my parents, because as soon as they step out into the real world, they're going to learn real quickly. You don't speak disrespectfully to an authority figure. Right.

[Kristi Straub]

It's like, no.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

So the more that we can get them to experience those natural consequences and experience the real world around them, I think that is where discipline really lived out. As Mr. Rogers said, the continual, everyday process of learning self discipline. What is the environment we're cultivating? I think there's something beautiful about that, and it makes parenting difficult because it makes it subjective and not always as black and white as we want as parents. And there's a great researcher. I need to find her name. She wrote a book, and I am going to look it up right now. Her name is Allison Gopnik, and she wrote a book called the Gardener and the Carpenter. And in it she talks about the two different styles of parenting and how we tend to think of parenting and all the parenting books. All these things really came rise in the mid-1900s where it was like, okay, we've got. But it came along with the rise of education. Well, and so therefore, what we do is we Think about parenting as carpentry, right? Well, carpentry is you have to have the exact measurements in order to get this house so that the house doesn't fall over. Well, we tend to feel like, okay, I have to get the exact discipline strategy so that my children don't fall over, over. But the reality is, is that that's not a comparable analogy because what we're doing as parents is we're more like gardeners with our children. It's like cultivating a garden. There's soil you have to cultivate, there's seasons that are appropriate for certain edification and discipline. And where we got a water and where do we got to. And so I just think. I love that analogy. And I just want to take the pressure off of parents to feel like discipline is the end be all. And to start maybe having a different metric for how we're raising our children. Boundaries are incredibly important. Don't get me wrong. We need truth. Our children need truth. However, it's not the end all be all in the sense that what about joy, what about the environment you're cultivating true discipline, true obedience, as we've said in the past, is going to flow out of that experience of love in the environment. And so I just think to set that bar and to maybe just kind of get us off of being so hyper focused on one aspect of parenting.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Right.

[Kristi Straub]

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[Dr. Josh Straub]

Boundaries keep everyone safe.

[Kristi Straub]

Right?

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Like, for all of us. That's what.

[Kristi Straub]

It's.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

The guidelines, the guardrails that keep all of us. It tells what's in, what's out, what's safe, you know, allowed and what's not. And I think for all of us, that makes us feel safe. But when we're so focused on the rails, like, we're pushing to the outer extremes. And I think one shift that I've. I've really noticed for us as the kids have gotten older has not been as much, you know, the discipline, yes, that's. We have boundaries, we have rules. And, And I. And I will say I thought of this earlier. Like, we've kind of. You can't hit all the marks at the same time. You know, so I found we had to like, like, work on one thing at a time. So it was like all on deck for, you know, no complaining or all on deck for. We sit at the table, you know, when they're really little and it's like, that's the rule. We're not adding in all these other rules. It's like, this is the one we're focusing on right now. Because otherwise it just. You're gonna exhaust yourself and exasperate the kids. Like, it's like nobody's doing anything right. But I think as we've shifted, we've moved toward high responsibility, high expectation, and high reward. So away from negative behavior and, you know, negative consequence and positive behavior. Positive reward or consequence in that, like the. We know who you are. We know who God has made you to be. We're getting to know even more who that is. But because he's made you in his image, I have high expectations for you. And I don't mean. I actually don't really care how you do in school. I actually don't really care how you.

[Kristi Straub]

Performance expectations.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Yeah, but character, how you are as a human, how you contribute to our family. Like, we have high expectations, high responsibility, and then there's high reward that comes with that. And we've noticed because we had two very strong willed children and. And the battle of wills is. It got exhausting, like, and we realized the shift toward what I see in you and what I believe you to be is so different than, like, and you didn't do this again and you messed up on this again. And so I just think that shift, I don't know, it brought life to me for sure as a mom where I. I needed some wind in my sails. And I noticed it did it for them too. And so they have, like, they do have a lot of responsibility and I give. Now they're home because we homeschool. So, like, they have jobs, like, all through the day and they take care of a lot of responsibility. And now Landon's broken his arm and I'm noticing, like, I'm like, man, there's a lot of things you did that I.

[Kristi Straub]

It's true.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Now I have to do because you. But I'm like, like, wow, what a contributor.

[Kristi Straub]

Yeah.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Contributor you are to our family.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

And there's a. There's this phrase that we use. It's a beautiful. It comes out of a book called the Culture Code, which is a business book, but it talks about the safety in business culture. And it's an 18 word phrase that is just so powerful for kids. And it really, it's the balance of safety, but also calling them higher. And it's this phrase, I'm giving you this feedback because I have very high expectations of you and I know you can meet them. And that's what Christie's talking about. It's. I'm giving you this feedback because I have very high expectations of you and I know you've got what it takes. I know you can meet them. And it just calls our kids higher. And so, yeah, I would love to know for you what boundaries you had in your. In. As growing up in your home, what boundaries you had.

[Kristi Straub]

I feel like it was all of like the typical boundaries, like normal, like, listen. Yeah, Obey, listen, obey. Ask permission first before you do it. Come home when the street lights turn on. You can't go anywhere without a parent present unless it's okayed by us beforehand. Call if you're gonna be late. I mean, those seem to be so basic and yet I feel like sometimes they're missed in our culture today by kids.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Yeah, yeah.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Would. Similar to we were talking about earlier. Clear. Were the expectations clear?

[Kristi Straub]

Very clear.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah.

[Kristi Straub]

Because I can rattle those off and.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

I know, like, yeah, you can tell.

[Kristi Straub]

I did not miss that.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah.

[Kristi Straub]

But there was always. What I appreciated about those expectations, which I carried on to my children, was that there was. There was always grace with it. Here's the boundary. However, if there's an exception, if that's not working in your favor, like if you're going to be late for something, your curfew's 10.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah.

[Kristi Straub]

But if you're going to be late or you ran into something, call, just call, pull over and call, or go to your friend's house. Stop and call and let me know you're going to be home. Then there's Grace. So I. If I say, here's what's happened. I'm not going to be home till 10:30 and it's a reasonable explanation, then there's Grace. And I really appreciated the explanation of that and knowing that there was a cushion, but not a cushion I wanted to abuse in any way.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah. I think, again, I think even for all of us to go back to our own childhood and to remember ourselves as children and what felt safe.

[Kristi Straub]

Right.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Were there any of your. You or your siblings who pushed boundaries in particular in your home? And how was that?

[Kristi Straub]

Oh, I don't remember any specific examples. I feel like I was a goody two shoes. I'd have to ask my parents. I certainly wasn't. Wasn't a perfect child, but I pretty much obeyed the rules. One of my sisters pushed the boundaries a lot, and I think that was probably hard for my parents, but.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah. What about sibling rivalry? How did you handle it as a mom or how did you experience it, maybe as a child? Because I think sibling rivalry is one of those. Those where we've.

[Kristi Straub]

Do your kids have boundaries? I. I didn't really experience sibling rivalry. I was very close friend, like close buddies with my sister Melissa, and then love. My sister Bridget. She was just kind of older, and then my brother's six years older, so I didn't have any sibling rivalry with them. And. And Melissa was like my best friend. She would just help me along the way. And then with my own kids, I. I would have to ask them. Honestly, from. From the outside, I don't feel like the. The sibling rivalry was great. However, maybe my boys had a little playing in hockey, you know, at the same time, maybe being compared to one another.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Yeah.

[Kristi Straub]

And things like that. But my kids are all pretty close. They've been pretty close buddies.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah, we hear. We hear that a lot. You know, how do we deal with sibling rivalry? How do we deal with the nitpicking back and forth and the. And the going back and forth? And I think, you know, for me, the boundary is we've gotten to a place where they're pretty good. They're in a season right now where they're doing that a little bit more. But we had a moment a couple weeks ago where they were at each other. And they know my consequence for that is I'm going to give them a task that they have to accomplish together. And if they don't, and they have to work together as a team to accomplish it. And I remember they were at each other and I said, guys, I don't know what this is about, but you're old enough to handle it yourself, and I'm going to let you handle it yourself. And if this keeps happening and it's influencing the atmosphere of the rest of all of our. Of our home and influencing everybody else, you guys are going to have to clean out. We have this cabin on our property. And I just said, and it was a Friday, and so we practice Sabbath on Saturday. And we just. It's just something we can get into in another episode. But we just. It's something that we do because we believe in rest. And they love Saturdays. They just know it's their day that they're gonna play and all that. And so we. I. But I told them, I said, you Guys are gonna have to wake up tomorrow morning. You're gonna have to clean the cabin if you do this again. Well, we're in a piece of joint, and we're in line in public, and they are just at each other, and they're loud. And I said. I stopped them, and I said, do you hear yourselves right now? I said, you know what that means, don't you? And they just were like. Their faces just. You can just see it come over their face. And I made them clean the cabin the next morning. And. And. And I. I was there. I was alongside them. You know, it wasn't like I'm like, hey, you know, But I. You know, I'm watching them. I'm helping them.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Yeah.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

But they were bummed that they had to spend the first couple hours cleaning that morning, and it. It remedied it for a little while, you know, and so it continues to. I think that building, again, setting discipline, where we're paying attention to how we're treating one another.

[Kristi Straub]

I will say that reminds me of a story when my boys were older. And I don't know if it was rivalry or they just. They just got into an argument.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah.

[Kristi Straub]

But they were. I want to say it was like 13 and 15 or 14 and 16 something. They were grown, like, teenage boys. Not quite full size, but almost. And they got into a fight, and the first punch was thrown.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Oh, wow.

[Kristi Straub]

And we were. They were in our bedroom, and it was in the hallway, so it was a more narrow space, so. And of course, I went to just jump in and pull it apart, and Val grabbed me, pulled me back, and he goes. Let him go at it.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Wow.

[Kristi Straub]

And it was, like, awful. It was awful. As a mom, my heart was breaking because they. He just said. I mean, Val, in the midst of. It was like, they're gonna. They're gonna figure it out right now. They're gonna figure it out between the two of them, and then one of them is gonna stop. But he. But we let him just go at it, and it was heartbreaking. But eventually they stopped, and I don't know, maybe Val ended up breaking it up. I can't even remember. It was like. It just felt so awful. I'm watching my boys, like, slug each other, like, hard. And it was bad. But that was the only time I remember them physically fighting, that we were there and allowed them to. But I'll tell you, it stopped the problem for a long time. The. The other. Whoever was the instigator, wasn't instigating anymore.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah. Oh, wow.

[Kristi Straub]

They kind of had to, like, set the. It was, you know, big brother, little brother. But it's like, now we gotta set who's listening and respecting.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah. Wow. And to do it good.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

No, but just. And to let them do that, like, I just respect you so much for doing that.

[Kristi Straub]

Never let that happen.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

But I feel like any mom would be like, yeah.

[Kristi Straub]

For my husband, that he's like, like, no, no, no. I have. I have a brother. He knows how men work.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Yes, he knows.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Oh, it's so good. Yeah.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Wow.

[Kristi Straub]

By the way, I'm not advocating for your children to, like, fit fight. I'm just sharing a story that happened.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

To us and the safety. Yeah.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

So what about Natasha? Because, like, I feel like that's a Girls. Especially teenage, older girls. Like, it's a different ball game.

[Kristi Straub]

Totally different ball game. And Natasha gave us the most trouble growing up. Again, we're gonna sit and we're gonna. We're gonna talk about it.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah.

[Kristi Straub]

But we can laugh about it now, and. Which is such a blessing and a beautiful place to be in. And so I'm encouraging all of you that feel like you're in the thick of it. They will come through it. I promise they'll come through it. But it did look really different with Natasha. And there was a book that I read when she was older. My kids were older. I wished that I had had this resource younger. And it' by Lisa D'Amore. It's called Untangled Guiding Teenage Girls through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood. And what I found most interesting in that book was that she helped me see that it wasn't a personal attack on me, that her disobedience wasn't about her, like, outright disobeying us, but it was kind of figuring out her own boundaries. Even though we as establish them as children get older. And then in the teenage years they're in. In their nature, they're going to test boundaries. But what they do is test them at home first before they're testing them out with other people that they don't know. And I was like, oh, that makes so much sense. Because there's a safety within your home. So if they can push mom and dad a little, they can see how far they can go. And then when they go out into the real world, it establishes is the bigger boundary of, like, oh, I really shouldn't do that.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah.

[Kristi Straub]

Or maybe I can push a little bit here. So it was. Anyway, I really enjoyed that book. Again, I wish that I had had.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

That's good. Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Almost had a teenage daughter.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah.

[Kristi Straub]

Earlier.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

But I think with that, again, what she's alluding to is going back to that posture of emotional safety and you guys going, okay, this is not personal. Wow. Therefore, I can. I can be when. When my kids get big, I can come small and enter into their world, as opposed to us getting big, too, and matching their bigness and then it just blowing up.

[Kristi Straub]

Right.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

And I think that's really important for each of us as parents to realize, oh, wow, this is. I don't need to take this personally. This is them trying to figure out their world and I need to come alongside.

[Kristi Straub]

And it's really hard not to in the moment, take it personally. Val was really great at reminding me that. That all the time.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

It's not personal.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

It's not personal, and you're going to take it personal. And I want to just remind people to go back to the previous episodes where we talked about just two out of five times. You can still get the outcomes you desire in your kids because you're going to mess up. And when you do mess up, just seek forgiveness. Just ask for forgiveness from your kids. Apologize.

[Kristi Straub]

Well, let's go to our listener question today. It's from Katie, and she writes in My husband and I don't always see eye to eye about bad language around the kids. I didn't grow up with bad language spoken in the home. It was disrespectful. So when he uses that kind of language in our home, not towards me or the kids, I feel disrespected and it hurts. I'm not sure how I should handle this. How do we tackle this one? Because again, this is a. It's talking about a specific problem. And yet the overarching theme is really about feeling disrespectful.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yeah, it's really a marriage issue. More than anything we talk about this often is that the issue is. The issue we're arguing about is never the issue. It's always something underlying that. And in this case, clearly she feels disrespected and hurt. And her ability, Katie, your ability to be able to share that you feel disrespected. And I don't know if this is something that you have done, but when you start to go tit for tat around bad language, what ends up happening is is he probably feels shamed or ridiculed, and obviously that's just going to bring up his defense. So his fight or flight is going off and it sounds like he's probably fighting. Well, it doesn't matter if I use bad language around the Kids, why do you care? Are you trying to tell me what to do? You know, and then that's how we get, we get very defensive as opposed to coming in with a posture of going, can I talk to you about something? And, you know, I, you know, I want our kids, you know, casting vision for how you Again, I always think starting with the end in mind and working backwards is really, really important to say, hey, this is the vision we have for our kids. We want our kids to be respectful. We want them to turn out this way. And, and I know we have differing views on that, but what I would love to be able to do is come back and let's talk about how we can enter in together as a team to raise our kids. I think in this case, she just said kids. So it's not just girls. And basically going I in a lot of ways and being able to voice. I feel disrespected when this happens, but using team language. So what we have to be able to do with our spouses is use us. Dr. Carol Rust Belt found that an us against the world attitude leads to high marital satisfaction. So in other words, if you're going to say, I feel disrespected, we have to be able to couch that in the sense of, I, we're a team. I love you. I'm not pitting my, I'm not blaming you. I'm not putting this all on you. What I'm saying is, and it may be even starting by taking ownership of maybe an area that you are breaking down. You know, I'm sorry that I have belittled you. I'm sorry that maybe if I have spoken condescendingly to you about this. Genuinely, it's not even the bad language that concerns me. I want our girls, I want our kids to be X, Y and Z. And in mine, how can we come together as a team and do that together, where I support you, where you feel respected as a father and a husband, how can I do that better? And her taking ownership of that, because what that does is that invites him in without putting him on the defensive.

[Kristi Straub]

Yeah, that's really good. I also, I would start praying for the heart of my husband because what I feel like maybe he doesn't see that as offensive. And yet we can look to scripture and know that, you know, the Bible says, like, don't let foul language come out of your mouth. And you know what, what comes out of the mouth is in the heart. And so I, I, I would start praying for my husband's heart that he would have a heart to. In obedience to God, not want to use that type of language, because it actually might really not mean anything to him. It might not even feel bad. It's like, hey, this is how I grew up. And it just. They're just words. And I know a lot of people who feel like that. So I would also pray like God, could you. Could you help him see that these words aren't honoring? And then. And therefore also not honoring around our kids to. To. And hear those just be words. Because words do matter. They are important to you. You teach on words. And I would pray for that. And I would also, in that conversation that you would invite them to have together as teammates. Also show an example. I mean, it might push his buttons. I don't know where he is in a. In a biblical sense, but show him the Scriptures. So you have something that backs it up that's saying, it's not just because my parents didn't use bad language. It's not just because I want. It's about honoring God, and I want to teach our children godly principles. And here's where it says in the.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Bible, speaking in truth. Yeah. And I think, too, you know, and it's hard to navigate that because you have to pray into. And I love that you said that you have to pray into. Where is our spouse in this? Will my spouse receive this? And I think of Romans 14, you know, where. You know, it really, what that's talking about is your convictions being your convictions and not judging your brother based on their convictions and where they're at. And I think we also have to pay attention to. The Lord might have me in a different place. And so therefore, I. The only way I can get him to that place is by the Holy Spirit convicting him. And that has to happen through prayer.

[Kristi Straub]

Yeah.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

And so I think that's a big, big component of it.

[Kristi Straub]

Yeah.

[Dr. Josh Straub]

Good.

[Kristi Straub]

Well, that's it, guys. That's it for today's episode. But we're gonna be back, and when we're back next week, we're gonna have a special guest.

[Candace Cameron Bure]

Yay.

[Kristi Straub]

So make sure you guys. Guys tune in for that. I wanted to ask you, are you on our email list? Because every week we send out show notes, ideas. We even answer listener questions on the emails, too. So you don't want to miss it. We might be answering yours. We also have a free download for you this season. We're calling it the Healthy Home Guide, and it comes from Josh and Christy's book, Famous at Home. Just go to Candace.com to get it, and you'll also find a link to their book in the show Notes, which is what our whole season is based on. Until next time, be grateful all day, every day. Candy Rock Entertainment. All rights reserved.