MOTHERHOOD AND MENTAL HEALTH W/ LAUREN PULIZ

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Carpool with Kelly and Lizz
Episode Title: Motherhood and Mental Health w/ Lauren Puliz
Release Date: November 26, 2024

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Introduction

In this heartfelt episode of The Carpool with Kelly and Lizz, hosts Kelly Stumpe and Lizz St. John delve deep into the often unspoken challenges of motherhood and mental health. Bringing their expertise as third-generation auto-industry experts into a more personal realm, they welcome Lauren Puliz, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in maternal mental health, to share invaluable insights and actionable strategies for new and seasoned mothers alike.

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Guest Introduction

Lauren Puliz is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a focus on maternal mental health. Operating under her business, Millennial Mama Therapy, Lauren supports mothers navigating the profound transitions that come with parenthood, offering guidance on managing mental health, building resilient relationships, and developing coping mechanisms during the transformative stages of becoming a mother.

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Main Discussion

1. The Transition to Motherhood (Matrescence)

Lauren introduces the concept of matrescence, likening it to adolescence—a significant life transition that reshapes a woman's identity, emotions, and relationships.

• Lauren (32:21): "Matrescence is exactly like adolescence. It is the life transition from being a woman, an adult, to being a mother."

Lauren emphasizes that this transition is irreversible and continuous, affecting every aspect of a mother's life. Once a mother, one never fully exits this life track, continually adapting as children grow and needs evolve.

2. Importance of Mental Health Support

Lauren discusses who should consider seeing a marriage and family therapist:

• Lauren (32:45): "Anyone who is needing mental health support can see a licensed marriage and family therapist... I specialize in maternal mental health, so I work pretty much exclusively with moms..."

She highlights that support is crucial for dealing with depression, anxiety, trauma, and the overwhelming changes that accompany motherhood.

3. Pre-Birth Planning and Coping Strategies

Kelly shares her personal experience with postpartum depression and how having a solid plan in place—discussed with her doctor and communicated to her partner—helped her manage subsequent pregnancies more effectively.

• Kelly (34:09): "Having those tools set in place gave me so much less anxiety because I knew, if it got there, I'd know what to do."

Lauren reinforces the importance of planning ahead to mitigate the challenges of motherhood.

4. Giving Yourself Grace

Kelly raises a common phrase often heard by postpartum mothers: "Give yourself grace." She questions its practicality and seeks Lauren's interpretation.

• Kelly (40:24): "Give yourself grace. What does that mean? And also, how do I give myself grace?"

Lauren provides a nuanced explanation:

• Lauren (40:38): "It's about recognizing that you're doing the best you can with what you have at the time. It's okay to not have everything figured out."

She introduces distress tolerance skills—practical tools to help mothers navigate unavoidable stressful situations without added pressure to be perfect.

5. The Impact of Social Media on Motherhood

The conversation shifts to the dual-edged sword of social media. While it can offer reassurance that one is not alone, it often leads to unhealthy comparisons.

• Lauren (43:04): "It's so easy to be like, 'Wow, Kelly's day was amazing,' but you don't see the chaos behind the scenes."

Lauren advises limiting exposure to social media influences that don't align with one's current life stage and focusing on sources of support that alleviate pressure.

6. Embracing the "Good Enough Parent" Philosophy

Lauren introduces the concept of being a "good enough parent", emphasizing that perfection is unattainable and unnecessary.

• Lauren (53:13): "Good enough parents don't have to be perfect. They can miss the mark and still create healing through repair."

She explains that making mistakes is natural, and what's crucial is the ability to recognize them and mend relationships, fostering a closer bond with children.

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Blake's Besties: Stories of Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Towards the end of the episode, Kelly and Lizz honor Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month by sharing poignant stories submitted by listeners:

1. Caitlyn's Story:
   Caitlyn shares the heartbreaking loss of her daughter Charlotte at 16 weeks, a loss that profoundly impacted her four-year-old son, who remembers and speaks of his little sister with love and grace.

2. Listener’s Tribute:
   Another poignant message recounts the loss of Jordan at 16 weeks while abroad for a wedding. The listener describes the strength found in the belief that Jordan knew immense love and comfort, offering a beautiful perspective on loss and remembrance.

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Conclusion

This episode of The Carpool with Kelly and Lizz provides a compassionate and insightful exploration of the mental health challenges faced by mothers. Through Lauren Puliz's expertise, listeners gain a deeper understanding of the emotional transitions of motherhood, the importance of mental health support, and practical strategies to navigate this life-changing journey. The episode concludes with moving tributes, reinforcing the community's strength and resilience.

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Notable Quotes

• Lauren (32:21): "Matrescence is exactly like adolescence. It is the life transition from being a woman, an adult, to being a mother."
• Kelly (34:09): "Having those tools set in place gave me so much less anxiety because I knew, if it got there, I'd know what to do."
• Lauren (40:38): "It's about recognizing that you're doing the best you can with what you have at the time. It's okay to not have everything figured out."
• Lauren (53:13): "Good enough parents don't have to be perfect. They can miss the mark and still create healing through repair."

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Resources Mentioned

• Lauren Puliz's Practice:
  • Website: millennialmamatherapy.com
  • Instagram: @millennialmamatherapy

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For more episodes and updates, subscribe to The Carpool with Kelly and Lizz on your preferred podcast platform.

Transcript

[Kelly]

Want to shop Walmart Black Friday deals first. Walmart plus members get early access to our hottest deals. Join now and get 50% off a one year annual membership. Shop Black Friday deals first with Walmart plus see [e-mail] the holidays are here at the Home Depot, so let's get to decorating. Find your perfect tree in our huge assortment of shapes, sizes and styles. Like the easy to assemble Jackson Noble fir with pre lit branches perfect for styling with all your favorite ornaments. Or the flock starry light Frasier fir with over 1900 pre lit memory wire branches that keep their shape so it's ready right out of the box.

[Liz]

Ooh.

[Kelly]

Find the perfect tree now at the Home Depot.

[Liz]

Welcome to the carpool podcast with Kelly.

[Kelly]

George is in an all red outfit, red shirt, red pants. Yeah, but he looks like a giant ketchup bottle on mom's Christmas car.

[Lauren]

And Liz Spanx is just such light of my life postpartum. And I'm so thankful for what am I thankful for this year as we go around the Thanksgiving table, Spanx, your.

[Liz]

Mom time off starts now.

[Kelly]

Welcome back to the carpool podcast with.

[Lauren]

Kelly and Liz and Libby and Sloanie Baloney. Sloan is like wide awake. We just had an interview and like she was really distracting the entire time for me, to be honest.

[Kelly]

Yeah, Sloania Bologna of Genovia. That's what I've been called. Bologna of Genovia bologna. She was grunting. She was giving grunts.

[Lauren]

Yeah, she's giving grunts.

[Kelly]

So Liberty Mutual insurance has been an angel.

[Lauren]

Yeah, it's like I forgot she was here.

[Kelly]

Yeah, she's been good.

[Lauren]

The girls both just had a little bit updates for, you know, from. Well, Kelly and I will give our updates, but like updates on the other girls in the podcast. They both just had their two months month checkups and Livia's three pounds heavier at two months.

[Kelly]

Livia's 13. 9. That does put her in like the 90th percentile for weight. Yeah, she's a biggins. She's a biggins.

[Lauren]

Yeah. Sloan was in like the 40th percentile for weight. She's like 10 pounds.

[Kelly]

But I also did go to the doctor like nine and a half weeks for her two months because my doctor couldn't get me in. So, you know, let's say she maybe would have been another. I don't know. But yeah, Liberty's huge slownia is a peanut, but I'm sure it'll come out in the wash the same. Those percentiles, like, they're a Little toxic. I feel like.

[Lauren]

Well, like, you were always, like, so much taller than me for what felt like so much of my life. And then once I hit my growth spurt, it was over.

[Kelly]

Yeah, I know. That was so weird. Like, I was. I was born tall. Elizabeth was like a shrimp until, like, the seventh grade. Like, she was short, guys.

[Lauren]

I grew seven inches in one year. And everyone's like, that's not possible.

[Kelly]

And it's like, ask our mom.

[Lauren]

It happened. Mom was like, you'd go to sleep and wake up 2 inches taller is the weirdest thing. So. But I had this weird. I had this thing called Sever's disease. So it was this, like, mom took me to the doctor because I had this pain in my heel, and they were like, oh, this is severe's disease. Normally tall people have this. And Mom's like, no, that's my daughter Kelly. She's the tall one. This is. Elizabeth is not tall.

[Kelly]

And then remember that you had to wear that little heel insert for a while.

[Lauren]

I know.

[Kelly]

That's a fun fact.

[Lauren]

Anyway, we have an exciting episode today. We have a guest on today's podcast. We're kind of into the guests lately.

[Kelly]

Yeah, I. We are into the guests, and we want. I want the feedback on the guests. But to do two episodes a week and do everything else, like, it's just hard to always come up with things to talk about. And so, anyway, we need other people to come up with things to talk about sometimes. And I do think there's a lot of good information to be shared out there. We spoke on the last podcast. It's like, I just don't know enough about things.

[Lauren]

Totally.

[Kelly]

You know?

[Lauren]

Yeah. So this is just. We will never be a podcast that only has guests, obviously, because, like, we.

[Kelly]

Have to yap enough to say we.

[Lauren]

Have enough to yap about. But I do think that having a guest more often, I would like. I like to learn things. Those are the podcasts that I like to listen to.

[Kelly]

Well, I think also I've heard that's how you grow. And one thing about our podcast is I'm so grateful for all of you who tune in, but, like, we're not getting a lot of new listeners.

[Lauren]

No. Yeah.

[Kelly]

Like, we have been pretty, like, stale at our number of listeners for quite a while now. So I do feel as though having guests and having guests promote on their platforms hopefully will in turn grow the podcast. We just have to be really mindful about, like, when we have guests, then to not, like, get on here and yap about nothing that no one cares about because they're here. We just gotta be careful. Like when it's a big wig guest or when it's a big wig. Guess when you just need to be like, hey, I'm Kelly. Like, here's a little background about introduce ourselves.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

Do you know what I'm saying?

[Lauren]

Yeah, yeah. No, for sure.

[Kelly]

But I also like having, like, don't get me wrong, I like having some of the big names like NTK Busy Toddler. Like, I like having the big names, but I also like having people who don't have, like, who are. Don't have, like, the biggest social media presence. Because I also just think there's people to be elevated in all walks of life.

[Lauren]

Totally. And also I just think that, like, when you get people, like Busy toddler, naptime kitchen, like, we're. We're in. We're talking to them because they're, you know, influencers and stuff. So we. We don't have an influencer on our podcast today. We do have. What is it?

[Kelly]

A license. First of all, her name has license in it. Licensed. Licensed family marriage therapist.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

And we talk about maternal mental health. And it's a really. It's really good.

[Lauren]

Yeah, I needed it.

[Kelly]

You know, us talk about tangible takeaways.

[Lauren]

We only love a tangible takeaway.

[Kelly]

Meat and potatoes is on the menu. Let's just say that.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

And she heard that's the drive thru was iconic. So that's coming up. Before that comes up, we have some general banter to get to. We have some things to talk about.

[Lauren]

Yes, we do.

[Kelly]

It is almost Thanksgiving days away at this point.

[Lauren]

Yes.

[Kelly]

I'm so excited. One total blind spot that I have totally forgot about, though. Like, we had so much talk about preps and preparing. What are you wearing? Oh, yeah. Jump scare. What are your kids wearing? And I really want to go. I'm gonna try to, like, you know, make my life hard and start a new tradition, but I feel like I should go take a picture with our turkey. Our hay bale turkey.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

But, like, I want to make my kids, like, in a Thanksgiving outfit, because if I can. You know, I told you as soon as I had four kids, I don't care what anyone's wearing anymore. If they are dressed, it's good enough for me. To the point where it's like, if you look at mom's Chris, like our mother's Christmas card, George is an all red outfit, red shirt, red pants.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

Like, it doesn't match at all because. Or it does match, but it looks like a giant Ketchup bottle on mom. On mom's Christmas card. Yeah, because I told her, I said, mom, I. If you wanted a matching outfit, you'd have to tell me ahead of time because my kids get themselves dressed these days.

[Lauren]

Yeah. So what are we wearing? Luckily, I. Luckily I just had my family. I had two rounds of family photos taken, so I'm going to throw them in that.

[Kelly]

You're gonna wear a dress?

[Lauren]

Oh, no, I don't know about me. I know about my kids. Maybe I'll wear it. Well, I don't know. It's breastfeeding friendly. My kids are going to wear, I don't know, overalls and a sweater.

[Kelly]

I am lucky for me, you like, I did just get a Spanx pants. Order in a lot of. So I have Spanx bottoms.

[Lauren]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kelly]

Spanx bottoms sweater. I think that my thing is I. It's just so hard to like, curate an outfit because I'm breastfeeding or I'm baby wearing. So it's also like, who freaking cares what top I wear? And like, if I really want to look cute, like, I should just wear like a simple, like black, like long sleeve T shirt because I got like a cute black baby wrap. And like, Lord knows the wrap's not leaving my chest.

[Lauren]

Yeah, no, there's not a baby in it.

[Kelly]

Yeah, the wraps. And even if there isn't a baby. Oh, the baby's out of it for two seconds. Like, I'm not gonna undo the whole wrap.

[Lauren]

No, it's staying on.

[Kelly]

So I'm wearing a thing. So I'm wearing a. I'm wearing a wild bird ring sling to Thanksgiving is what I'm trying to tell you.

[Lauren]

Yeah, No, I think that's good.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

And that reminds me, I also have Spanx pants and I have a Spanx skort. Spanx is just the such a light of my life postpartum.

[Kelly]

I know, I know.

[Lauren]

People so thankful for. What am I thankful for this year as we go around the Thanksgiving table? Spanx.

[Kelly]

I know. Not sponsored. This podcast isn't sponsored. I do work with them on social media, but it's honestly because I beg them to work with me. Like, I'm constantly. Hey, like, do you guys want to, like, do that again? Like, that was so fun. They. If anyone ever asked me, like, is it really worth it? 100%. 100.

[Lauren]

Yeah. Hey, I'm not sponsored by Spanx, so. And I like, I buy everything, so yeah, it's worth it. And it's worth it if you're tall because they have tall sizes And I think they might have petite. I don't know. They're just size. Their size.

[Kelly]

Gears did get grinded the other day because I ordered a clearance dress, thinking that it'd be. And the dress was way too short.

[Lauren]

Oh, bummer.

[Kelly]

It wasn't tall. But, like, I'm like, surely the model is at least 5, 10, like, and it looks like long on her. Wasn't too long. But lucky for Grayson, because it's darling.

[Lauren]

Lucky for Grayson.

[Kelly]

I already gave it to her. I know. She's blessed.

[Lauren]

She's blessed.

[Kelly]

So thankful for Spanx. Thankful for Thanksgiving.

[Lauren]

Thankful for.

[Kelly]

I have a huge towel warmer update.

[Lauren]

Oh, my gosh. What is it?

[Kelly]

Well, I still haven't opened it, but I decided that I'm going to open it and I'm going to use it.

[Lauren]

That's your huge update.

[Kelly]

But I thought about such a good idea, and I don't know if it will work like this, but I can't imagine why it wouldn't. But you know how we talked a couple episodes ago about, like, putting your kids clothes in the dryer?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

Well, the dryer's on the other side of my house, where. So it's like, I'm not gonna do that. But, like, I can hear her eating.

[Lauren]

I know. She's being really difficult today.

[Kelly]

I don't know. We'll see if people mind if they do their baby haters. And that says more about you than. Anyway. What if I put their jammies in the towel warmer?

[Lauren]

Yeah, I don't think.

[Kelly]

Warm up their jammies.

[Lauren]

Yeah, I don't see why that wouldn't work, especially in the winter. Okay, well, so that wasn't really a huge update after the fact that you said that you were going to take it out of the box, but now you owe us a huge update. So next up.

[Kelly]

Well, but. Because I decided to take it out of the box because I thought of that genius idea, and I did feel bad putting Libby in a cold towel. It's really for Libby.

[Lauren]

Like, it's not.

[Kelly]

It's for Libby. The other kids don't need to have warm towel, but, like, I feel as though going into these winter months, Liberty could benefit from a warm towel.

[Lauren]

Yeah. I think she deserves it.

[Kelly]

Yeah. So that's my update.

[Lauren]

Okay, thank you.

[Kelly]

Other updates is we're down to 12 chickens. We started with 18.

[Lauren]

Oh, no.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Lauren]

Fox, coyote.

[Kelly]

Fox.

[Lauren]

Fox.

[Kelly]

Fox. So.

[Lauren]

TBD, what do you do?

[Kelly]

We have. I mean, it's. I don't know if people are gonna really want to hear what we're gonna have to do. But I mean there is like there is a trapping season here in Missouri. So trapping season has started. So we'll probably try to trap the fox. We've cut back on how long the chickens are allowed to be outside. We try to like if we try to. But it's like, it's so hard because like I want the chickens to go outside or they're in a coop all day.

[Lauren]

Well, yeah, I mean you've got to let them be free range.

[Kelly]

Tommy needs to step it up to be honest with you.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

What Tommy. So probably we'll start have to keeping Tommy outside during the day.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

Because I think it was like Tommy was inside with us. It's like, Tommy, if the chickens are out, respectfully, you're out.

[Lauren]

You gotta.

[Kelly]

You gotta work. Tom, you have a job to do. Because we just started getting eggs. Like we didn't come this far to only come this far.

[Lauren]

Totally.

[Kelly]

So.

[Lauren]

Okay, well, best of luck on that is. Can you like put out? You know, I've seen like fake coyotes and stuff to like keep geese away.

[Kelly]

Oh yeah, that's not. I'll have to. I'll have to see what they say. That's not a bad idea. I mean people keep sending me like you can get like a cage like that. They would then go like go under this cage and you can like move the cage. But it's just. That seems like not what I want to do. I want them to be free range chickens.

[Lauren]

Oh, the chickens. Yeah.

[Kelly]

And I do think if we get. If we trap the fox, it will be over.

[Lauren]

Mm.

[Kelly]

Because they're not out that long. Like we let them out from 12 to 4 every day.

[Lauren]

Yeah. You just like also with like kids running around and stuff. You don't want a fox like on your property.

[Kelly]

I don't think the fox will touch the kids though.

[Lauren]

I don't think the fox will touch the kids. But I don't think we need like your kids are at the barn a lot. I just don't think we need a fox to be in the barn.

[Kelly]

We turned on talk radio in the barn because we heard that would help.

[Lauren]

Oh, okay. So it's like a people there. Yeah. Okay.

[Kelly]

So we actually, at the time of this recording, we haven't. We've had. We haven't seen the fox in like six days.

[Lauren]

Okay, that's good.

[Kelly]

So maybe someone else trapped him.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Kelly]

And we have cameras all over the property. So like if we hear if we like Tyler hasn't seen him on the camera either.

[Lauren]

Okay, that's good.

[Kelly]

That's a little. That's a little fox update.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Kelly]

Do you have any updates?

[Lauren]

I don't have any updates, but I do have a fun fact.

[Kelly]

Oh.

[Lauren]

Because I was so excited about my fact, my last fact. And I was so excited about it that I said, hey, Maddie, do you know what the national animal of Scotland is? He goes, yeah, unicorn.

[Kelly]

Of course he knew he was.

[Lauren]

Did you really think I wasn't gonna know that? And then I had to sit there. A lesson about flags of other countries. So that was on me.

[Kelly]

So spare us that, please.

[Lauren]

Yeah. But I do have a fun fact. And it is about. It's Thanksgiving themed, and it is a fun fact about Thanksgiving food. Americans buy 365 million pounds of Turkey the week of Thanksgiving.

[Kelly]

I think that tracks.

[Lauren]

365 million?

[Kelly]

Yeah. But there's about 330 million Americans, so everyone has about a pound.

[Lauren]

Yeah. Okay.

[Kelly]

I guess when you play, Tyler has a couple. Yeah, I think that totally tracks.

[Lauren]

About 77 million pounds of ham is purchased for Thanksgiving.

[Kelly]

That seems crazy.

[Lauren]

And about 250 million pounds of potatoes are purchased for Thanksgiving.

[Kelly]

What's your favorite Thanksgiving food? Mine? Sweet potatoes. Fun fact about me.

[Lauren]

Yeah, I like it depends on how it's prepared, I suppose. I don't know if I really have a favorite. Honestly, like, Thanksgiving food does not bring me that much joy.

[Kelly]

Really?

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Lauren]

Hate to be that girl. It just. I don't know. It doesn't. It doesn't do a lot for me.

[Kelly]

Okay, well, that's okay.

[Lauren]

Yeah. I don't know. I saw this reel and someone was like, friendly reminder that you don't have to have, like, turkey and stuffing for Thanksgiving. You can do something else.

[Kelly]

No, you have to have those things. It's the American way.

[Lauren]

I'm just. I don't know.

[Kelly]

I'm not.

[Lauren]

I'm not. I'm not the biggest Thanksgiving food person to this.

[Kelly]

As she's slaving away in the kitchen, making you think, well, I'm going.

[Lauren]

I'm going to eat it. I'm going to eat it all. Of course. I always do. It's just. It's not. I think it's overrated.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Lauren]

Okay. I just think it's overrated.

[Kelly]

And that's fine. Because that's fine. Okay, well, let's pivot. I have a big week this week. I'm getting my car professionally detailed.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

For my quarterly detail. Tyler's also doing it this time. And I wanted to talk about something I shared on my Instagram the other day, and that was just. Let's talk about new car buying. This is kind of like, this is kind of your industry news for the day because I think there's a lot of, a lot of people buy cars towards the end of the year. They try to buy like the leftover model years. They're trying to like do it for tax purposes. They, I don't know, they want one for Christmas. A lot of people are out new car shopping. I have such a complicated relationship with new cars, just to be honest with you. And most of the time I don't think probably like six out of four times I would tell people, probably seven out of three times I would know seven out of ten times I would tell people not to buy a new car and to buy a used car. And like from a practicality standpoint, like it almost always makes more sense to buy a used car. Now I'm not talking slightly used because to me I think the worst deal in the world right now is like a slightly used car. Like a 2023 is probably like not a good deal because it's still very expensive and you don't qualify for like the lower new car interest rates. So it's like it's. And you don't have as long a warranty. So like truly, she's like a no man's land kind of thing. But I think most people would benefit from buying like a pre owned car, like a 20, 2021-2020-2018-2022, whatever, a used car. And the thing with new cars that I see so often is when you first, and I apologize if you heard this on my Instagram story, but you need to hear it again. Like when you first go look at that Hyundai Palisade and it's a Hyundai Palisade calligraphy and it's brand spanking new. It smells great, it looks great. They tell you the payment's going to be 775, 800 bucks. Let's say 800 bucks. But you're like, yeah, but it's a brand new car. Like it's brand new. But like if you're signing up for that $800 payment for 72 months, is it still worth $800 a month 70 months from now? Ask yourself that. Absolutely. It's not.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

And that's why people and people will always pay. They will pay off their car, go buy a new car, pay off their car, buy a new car. So much of America is just committed to having car payments. And I'm not here to tell you I don't think I'm fine with Car payments, but just realistic with yourself. Everyone says, I'm going to buy new, but I'm going to have it for 10 years. Are you? Are you? Some of you will, but will you? Yeah, like, but will you? And you know, if, you know, if I'm talking to you and it's okay to say like, no, you're right, Kelly, I'm probably not. Because I'm going to get bored because my needs are going to change, because I'm just going to want something new and I'm validating that emotion. But then, like, let's just make a really smart purchase with it.

[Lauren]

Mm.

[Kelly]

You can get a new car every three years if you want. You just have to buy used. Like, that's fun because it's new to you and you get a professional detail and like, who cares if it has a couple clicks on the odometer? It's clean and it's new to you.

[Lauren]

Yeah, I mean it's totally. And like the technology, I do feel like in a lot of ways I feel like we have kind of like plateaued on technology.

[Kelly]

That was gonna be my second point.

[Lauren]

However, we really don't know what it's gonna look like five, ten years from now. So on one hand, yeah, buy a car from 2020. The car from 2024 versus 2020 does not have a massive difference in tech. But a car from 2020 to 2030, maybe, I don't know. So it's like when you, when you think you're going to keep it for so long, you might have regrets. And yeah, I'm, I'm with you on that.

[Kelly]

Yeah. To me, you can go get a high trim level. 2019, it's going to have blind spot. It has automated cruise control, it has front occlusion warning, it has automatic emergency braking. It has Apple CarPlay. It has everything the new cars have. The new cars, they don't have anything that the used ones don't. Elizabeth's right now. 2014, 2015. Yes, I do. I would say like 2017 and above. I feel like on the highest trim to highest trim, like, it's pretty. They have the same crap on them. I really believe that. I really do, for the most part.

[Liz]

So do that.

[Lauren]

The same safety, the same like safety features too. Because I do think that that's like a really big jump that people notice when go from like actually a 10 year old car to like a new car. Today is all the like automatic crash prevention tech is kind of like a.

[Kelly]

Jump scare that can be found on used vehicles. Like that's the point. Also you can, you can buy expense, you can buy extended service contracts, you can buy, you can put a warranty on the car. Okay. Is the interest rate higher than on a new car? Yeah. Are new car interest rates 0% for 72 months? No. No. New car interest rates, they're a little better. They're not like waves better. So it's just like that slightly used I think is a total bus. Unless it's like, I mean you'll have to run the numbers either way. But I just would not be scared of like a, of an older car. And I. We say this all the time. Older cars with miles on them, okay. That's called proven reliability. They're fine.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

I'm not saying you're not going to have to maintain the car, but I'm saying the new ones are catching on fire. Like the new, the. I mean you can't even half of them have recalls on them anyway.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

Just like I know, and I know we do a lot of new car content because like that's of the times and you know, we're, we're here to get views when we have to be relevant. But like just hear me when I say like I am a used car, Stan. And I'm probably one of the only car reviewers who even gives it a breath because they're all so trying to like get their clickbait on like a 12 inch screen versus a 10 inch screen. I don't even bother. I'm not care what size the screen is. I really don't prefer the practicality of it all. So yeah, that's what I have to say about that.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Kelly]

And one more thing.

[Lauren]

Okay.

[Kelly]

The cars also don't really change year to year. I always get asked like, hey, what's the difference between the 25 tire and the 24? I'm like nothing. The freaking year and probably the price tag.

[Lauren]

I think people are really surprised to hear that nothing changed at all. It's the identical car except it was made in a different year.

[Kelly]

And they may say, oh for 25, now we have this color. But it's like you were going to get a black one anyway, so you didn't even really care about that. Yeah, pay attention to model, to body style changes. But like the Honda Odyssey, you know, I love to just. She's a prime freaking example, that one. 27. You give me a 2017, a 2023. No idea. Couldn't tell you the difference. Couldn't tell you the difference. And I'm a professional. Yeah, maybe, maybe not. If I can't tell you the difference, but, like, that's the point. They are not all that different.

[Lauren]

Yeah, exactly. Okay, Cal. Well, thank you for that little industry. I guess I was interested.

[Kelly]

That's a great segue to our millennial word that you have on the shared note, because were you just sat for that?

[Lauren]

Yeah. So I. We're kind of going out of order. But I do have a millennial word of the day where we learn Gen Z slang so we can be less lame that I wanted to talk about because I. I think that we all know what it means because I've been seeing it a lot on, like, the mom side of reels, but it's sad. And it's like when you are sat, like, and you're sat for something, like the post Thanksgiving gossip session. I am sat for with my sister. Like, I am sat for that. Like, I am ready. I am dedicated to this moment. It is the only thing that I am doing. Like, we are paying attention. I am. I'm sat.

[Kelly]

Sat.

[Lauren]

Sat. So that's the word. And then the other word that I have been seeing is yap, yap, yap. So it's like yap. So it's like the post might be. Actually, I saw a perfect one of a girl who I went to college with. She posted a photo of her. She was at a restaurant, and she and her friend had a martini, and then they had two baby bottles next to the martini, and it was like this plus yap. So it's like this plus just like, just like talking and chit chat. So yap is just like chat. It's kind of like you can be sat for yap. It's like gossip. It's like chit chat. It's like a girly time. It's whatever it is. And then I've been seeing a lot of things that are like this and. And yap. So it's like this scenario plus chit chatting with my friend.

[Kelly]

Oh, I'm loving it.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

I've been using a lot of new millennial words lately. I've been loving. I fear.

[Lauren]

I fear.

[Kelly]

Like, if Elizabeth's like, hey, like, how do you, you know, cook a ham steak? I'd be like, oh, that's common sense. I fear.

[Lauren]

Well, that was a. That was a trending sound.

[Kelly]

Oh, I fear. Yeah, I just think that's fun. And I've also been liking cooked. I was watching Sydney Snapchat story the other day, and she's like, oh, she cooked my nails. And she like, shut her nails. She's like, she cooked. I think that's a fun. I think that's a fun thing to say. Oh, well.

[Lauren]

You know what I think is worth reading aloud on the podcast is the text message that we received from our sister's boyfriend, Drew, because it is just riddled with frat boiling.

[Kelly]

Drew is such a frat boy.

[Lauren]

We love Drew so much, but the guy is such a frat. This is. This is what he sent to me and Kelly one morning.

[Kelly]

So random. Also. Haven't listened to it, have you?

[Lauren]

I did look at it, yes. I. I knew a lot of the songs on it. It is a good play. Okay. When he sent his playlist, he said, what up, car moms? Happy Thursday here. Firing you over my fall country playlist because I got a feeling y'all would vibe with it. W I t. T I t. One word. And then he sent us a playlist.

[Kelly]

I like why he calls us car moms. What up?

[Lauren]

I know, moms.

[Kelly]

Droobie Drew. Droobie Drew.

[Lauren]

So the playlist is titled Old Souls in Dirt Roads. And then I looked at some of the songs on it, and I'm like, these are a lot of songs that maybe we listen to in, like, high school. Some of them.

[Kelly]

Oh, they're vintage. Oh, they're vintage.

[Lauren]

I fear they're vin.

[Kelly]

I fear he thinks they're vintage.

[Lauren]

Yeah, you know, so that's. I mean, it's a mixture. It's a mixture. It's a good playlist. Thank you, Drew. But vibe with it.

[Kelly]

Vibe with it. Speaking of vibing with it, Elizabeth has a huge birthday coming up. She's gonna be 30, and I am enlisting the carpooler's help because I must get her a gift, and I am stumped. I am stumped.

[Lauren]

You're stumped, Kel, what would you like? We like the same things, Kelly.

[Kelly]

Stumpy is stumpity. I don't know, because you got me a really nice gift. I want to spend, like, around. I'm going to say the price. I want to spend around, like, 300 to 400 because you're my sister. It's your 30th birthday. Send me ideas.

[Lauren]

That's so nice.

[Kelly]

Sends me ideas. I'm stumped. I said today, do you want something like, you'll have forever or something you'll really enjoy right now? And she's like, what does that mean?

[Lauren]

Yeah, she's. She's really. She's really stumped.

[Kelly]

Well, I don't want. I feel like I was. I had my eyes on this fruit bowl for you, and Not a marble fruit bowl. But then I said, that's stupid. That's not gonna be a fun thing to open.

[Lauren]

Yeah. And if you spent 300 on a fruit bowl, I'd be really mad at you.

[Kelly]

That's what I'm saying. It's a difficult. The thing is, it's a difficult price point. It maybe needs to be like three things for a hundred because it's a difficult price point. It is not thousands of dollars. No, I'm not even willing. I don't even. So that's a hard price point.

[Lauren]

I think it is a. It is a hard price point.

[Kelly]

And there's several, like, 50 things I could get you. So you should. I just get you multiple things. But I want to make a big splash.

[Lauren]

Yeah. I got Kelly, and I also got it for my friend for her 30th birthday, but I. I split it with someone. It's the. How much even is that? It's like a Gucci next. Like, neck scarf. Like, silk scarf. But it's. It's not like. It's not very big. I wear it in my hair.

[Kelly]

I, like, tied it on a purse.

[Lauren]

Yeah, you can tie it on a purse. You can tie it in your hair. I think it was like, around $200. So maybe you can lower your price point for. Fair is fair. But that's what I got you. And I think that was like. I think that felt special because, like, you got the Gucci box, and it.

[Kelly]

Was probably, like, one of the cheaper.

[Lauren]

Things you can get from Gucci because again, it's not thousands. So I don't know.

[Kelly]

But if anyone has anything fabulous in that price point, if you could hit me up, that'd be great. Sorry, I just wanted to crowdsource.

[Lauren]

Yeah, no, it's fine. I really struggle with my birthday being two days after Christmas because I. Oh.

[Kelly]

And I have Elizabeth for Secret Santa.

[Lauren]

I know.

[Kelly]

How annoying our sibling Secret Santa. Well, it's fine because I have plenty of 50 items I can think for you.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

But then, yeah, it is annoying, but someone was gonna have to do it, so I guess I'm happy it's me.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

Well, anyway, we. I think we got to wrap this because Liberty's kind of done.

[Lauren]

Okay, well, we do have an interview to get to, so I hope you guys all enjoy our interview with Lauren Pool Pew. Liz. Today's episode is brought to you by Uncommon Goods. Spark something uncommon this holiday with just the right gift from Uncommon Goods. Tis the season to figure out what the heck to get your in laws for the holidays. Enter Uncommon Goods. They scour the globe for original, handmade, absolutely remarkable things. Uncommon Goods looks for products that are high quality, unique and often handmade or made in the us. They have the most meaningful out of the ordinary gifts anywhere. They even have gifts that you can personalize. My sister in law actually got me a cutting board last year for Christmas. It had my grandmother's rum cake recipe in her handwriting engraved into it and it was from Uncommon Goods. And I'm telling you like I cried, she cried. It was a beautiful moment. Personalized gifts are always a home run for the holidays. So we do have a code for our listeners. To get 15 off your next gift, go to UncommonGoods.com Carpool that's UncommonGoods.com Carpool for 15 off don't miss out on this limited time offer Uncommon Goods we're all out of the ordinary. Today's episode is brought to you by Cozy Earth. I have always been so jealous of my kids bamboo pajamas because they are so soft and cozy. So I'm thrilled to have discovered Cozy Earth's bamboo pajamas and sheet sets. The buttery soft material makes for the most comfortable night's sleep. I already love the time of day I get to crawl into bed, but doing that with Cozy Earth sheets on the bed makes that experience even better. Cozy Earth sheets are made with an enhanced fabric so it won't pill and is incredibly soft. The sheets also offer great temperature regulation. They are so breathable you'll sleep several degrees cooler. Cozy Earth products are high quality and ethically made. They hold themselves to the highest standard when it comes to feel utility and performance. So I'm so excited to say that we have a 40% off code right now. So visit cozyearth.com carpool and use our exclusive 40% off code. Carpool give the gift of luxury this holiday season and if you get the post purchase survey, say that you heard about Cozy Earth from the Carpool podcast. Wrap the ones you love in luxury with Cozy Earth.

[Kelly]

Lauren. She told me Pew Liz.

[Liz]

You got it you guys.

[Kelly]

If you saw how it was spelled you'd be like wow Kelly, I can't believe you got there. Lauren Pulis is a licensed marriage family therapist. She's a carpooler. She's a mom of two and she's joining us today. Hey Lauren, how are you?

[Liz]

I am good. I'm so happy to be here. Thank you guys so much for having me. Like I was saying off the mic. I have been following Kelly since before Liz joined. I've been following the Carpool since the first episode. It gets me through. I am so honored to get to be here with you guys.

[Lauren]

We're so happy to have you.

[Kelly]

Well, Lauren, I would just like to jump right in. We. I mean, I feel like we've spoken a little bit, but tell people who would come see a marriage family therapist and who was kind of like your ideal client and who could benefit from seeing someone like this. I know we'll get into why you should see one, but just kind of tell us who should come see one.

[Liz]

Absolutely. So a licensed marriage and family therapist. Anyone who is needing mental health support can see a licensed marriage and family therapist throughout the United States. There's different license types for mental health therapists. So you might see lpcc, you might see, like, I can't even remember all of them. In California, like, they say LMFT is king. So out here, most of us are LMFTs or LPCCs. But you might see an LMHC or LPC or what have you. It kind of depends on your state. But anybody seeking support for your mental health or for your relationship, whether it is like depression, anxiety, support for suicidal ideation, self harm, issues with communication, trauma, childhood issues, things like that. And then for me, I specialize in maternal mental health, so I work pretty much exclusively with moms or with parent couples on navigating how your life relationship changes after welcoming a baby. Or I also do work with moms who are maybe on that path where they recognize, hey, I have a mental health history and I'm planning to have children. And I recognize that this is going to be a really big shift for me and I want to start putting a plan together ahead of time. So that way I know how to support myself during pregnancy or during postpartum. So pretty much anybody who is in that track.

[Kelly]

Yeah. So what we liked about Lauren, when she reached out. And first of all, like, Lauren did my favorite thing, which is she shoot. How do I say it?

[Liz]

You shoot your shot.

[Kelly]

You shoot your shot. She shooted her shot or whatever. She sent us like a really great email. I was like reading it in bed one night and I was like, okay, sure. Like, yeah, my mental health could probably use a check in anyway. So this could kind of two birds, if you will.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

So when we were offline, one of the things that Lauren said that really resonated with me is she mentioned how she didn't really find her niche. She said she found her niche 24 hours after her first was born because she was sitting in the hospital and was like, Holy crap. What just happened? And, like, what is going to happen? That transition is so jarring. And I always say that, which I think Elizabeth feels a different experience. But out of my four kids, 0 to 1, I think will always be my hardest transition. It just rocked my socks. I've never been the same since. Can you talk a little bit more about why that transition is so hard and what we can do just to ease it a little bit?

[Liz]

Yeah, absolutely. So I think it helps to start a little bit with just recognizing that that transition from going from 0 to 1, it puts you on this life track that you really never get off of. And that's the life track of matress. So when you hear the word matrescence, think adolescence. How adolescence is this transition from being a child to being an adult. And it is rocky and it is uncomfortable, and your body is changing and your emotions are changing and your relationship is changing. Relationships are changing. Societal expectations of you are changing. You don't really feel like yourself, but you don't know who you feel like or what you feel like. Like, everything just feels crappy and you're like, I don't know what to do and how to make sense of it. Matrescence is exactly like that. It is the life transition, life stage transition from being a person, from being a woman, an adult, to being a mother. And honestly, once you are on it, you really never get off of it. Especially because of the fact that once you become a mom, and this is why I think as we talk about, excuse me, Blake's Besties and pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, like, once you become a mother in any capacity, you're always a mother. Everything is filtering through that lens. Everything in your life filters through that lens. And your relationship with being a mother changes as time goes on. You know, I mean, like, I'm still in the early babies or early kids stage. My oldest is three and a half, and my youngest is 14 months. But, like, I know, like, George and Hattie are a little bit older. And you were talking, Kelly, the other, like, a couple weeks ago about, like, I'm not ready to be, like, a school kid mom. Like, how do I do this? How do I manage this transition? Like, oh, my God, thinking about having teenagers, it's like, we're kind of always on this transition through the different stages of being a mom. To now thinking about, like, you know, your guys mom and, like, my mom, where they have adult kids and supporting your adult kids.

[Kelly]

And I thought it was really interesting how you mentioned that you actually think it's a good idea for people to see someone like you before they become a mom or like, before they have their second child to, like, prepare for that transition, which I thought was really interesting. I mean, we prepare for a baby coming in so many different ways. And I always said, like, I felt like I was so scared about having postpartum depression with my following three kids after I experienced it with George. And what helped me with the other three is I had a solid plan in place. So if I was like, if I did feel that, I've already spoken to my doctor about what I'm supposed to do when I feel that. I've already told Tyler what to look out for if he thinks I'm feeling that. And I agree with you, like, even if you don't end up using it, I think having those tools set in place is, to me, it like, gave me so much less anxiety because I knew, like, if it got there, I'd. I'd know what to do.

[Liz]

Yes, exactly. That's honestly, like, one of the things that I, like, scream from the rooftops and try to preach to everybody is just having a plan, thinking about these things ahead of time. And I think the thing that is really, really so hard when it comes to first time moms is that becoming a mother, like, there is just such a stark shift. Like, you are pregnant for nine months and then like, you quote, unquote, become a mother. Like, in seconds, suddenly that baby is on your chest and you're like, what the heck? What happened? How did I get here? What's going on? I don't know how to do, how to do this. Like, I can remember being like, when is this child's mother going to come get her? Because I don't know what to do. They're like, how do you feel about xyz? I'm like, who's making medical decisions for this child? Because surely it's not me. I am in no position to do this. And it's hard to explain that paradigm shift to somebody who hasn't been through it yet. So it's really interesting because me and a lot of my perinatal provider friends in my local area, we try to target first time moms with education. But really it's so interesting because we see it's the second time moms that are coming to us right away. It is, you know, the second time moms that are looking for doula, looking for support, looking for all this because they know how hard it was. So it's one of those, like, tough things of, like, how do we try to help people understand the benefits of having a plan, but also at the same time, knowing that sometimes until you've been through the thing, you. You don't know. You go, oh, yeah, yeah, no, that's great. But, like, I'm. I've got a stroller. I'm great. Like, I was like, I have the stroller. I have the car seat. Like, didn't have a plan for my next.

[Kelly]

I think people just don't. And people sometimes always will look at me, and now that I've had four, and they're like, they'll ask me, like, well, how do you do this? And, like, don't you have this figured out? And I'm like, no. Like, I think it's all. I think there's also comfort for first time. Well, comfort and maybe some. Maybe scaredness. Being like, no, I have four kids, and I still. Yeah. Not sure on that. Like, it's just crazy. How so? I think that maybe they need to hear that. Like, I. I don't consider my. I even. I don't consider myself an expert in the parenting space, even, like, because I'm. Cause I don't feel that way. Like, I know that I've done it four times, but, like, there's just. You'll never stop learning.

[Liz]

No.

[Kelly]

And you'll.

[Lauren]

I think. Yeah.

[Kelly]

I think that there's always ways that I can improve myself and, you know, do things a little better.

[Liz]

You never stop learning. Also, every child is so different. Every pregnancy, every birth, every postpartum experience is so different.

[Kelly]

So I want to kind of put you on the spot and ask you a question, because I think something that postpartum moms hear a lot, and it's a phrase that really grinds my gears because to me, it's like, the most. I'm a tangible girl. Like, I want action steps, but, like, give yourself grace. What does that mean? And also, how do I. How does one give themselves grace? I just think that's a very. I know people. I know people's intentions, like, are good to say it, but it's like telling an anxious person, oh, don't worry. It's like, okay, well, to, like, that's what it feels like to me.

[Liz]

Yes. Oh, my God. 100%. 100%. I totally got that. I think a lot of the things that I tell moms that I work with is, this is hard. Like, it is hard. Like, if you feel like you don't know what you're doing and you're failing at it all. Like, you are. You are doing it right. Like, you are doing the best you can with what you have. And so there's pieces of, I think, like the give yourself grace of having to recognize, okay, where are these senses of pressure coming from that I ought to do something this way, that this is the right way to be a mother or the wrong way to be a mother. And so learning how to kind of like, filter out influences that aren't helpful. So stepping back a little bit, like, coming into, like, practical skills and things like that. One of the things that I talk to moms about a lot is something called distress tolerance skills. And distress tolerance skills are exactly that. They are tools that help us survive a situation that is distressing that we kind of can't really get out of. Like, you know, those situations where that's like, there's no way out except for through. And I think that postpartum is one of those. It's like, there is no magic cure to get your baby to sleep through the night. There is no magic cure for some of the different challenges that are going on. Like, there's no way out but through. And so utilizing distress tolerance skills, which, yes, some of them can be kind of the things that have become like, cheesy therapist things of like, take a walk, take some deep breaths. Like, you know, take something, you know, like, take some time for yourself. But also it can be things like, okay, I have to recognize where I need to cut out areas in my life, like sources of influence that are creating stress for me. So, for example, I need to limit my exposure to social media. Like, you know, we talk about, like, Kelly, I love that you talk about the piece of, like, you know, don't center yourself in every piece of content. Like, recognize, like, hey, maybe Ballerina Farm isn't for me in this stage of life. You know, maybe in this stage of life, XYZ is just not helpful for me. You know, focusing in on those, like, it's okay to put blinders on and to look for sources of support that do resonate with you, that help you release pressure on yourself. So, like, yeah, yeah, putting blinders on.

[Kelly]

You know, I think that there's such social media. It's the epitome of like, a blessing and a curse, a give and take. Because there's. So it's. It's good to see that you're not alone.

[Liz]

Yes.

[Kelly]

It's also hard to see that someone's doing it better than you or doing it differently than you or like. Or perceiving, like, that they're handling it better.

[Lauren]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

And I think, I think you kind of have to take the good with the bad because I honestly think it's better to have it, because I do think we've had, I mean, I can't imagine, like the 1950s when, like, everyone just acted like they all had it together at the supermarket. Like that. I. I don't. That's crazy. Like, that's crazy.

[Lauren]

And they didn't have LMFTs then.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Liz]

And they were just, they had psychiatrists and they had the beginnings of psychology, but they were all trying to lobotomize everybody and tell women they were crazy and hysterical.

[Kelly]

So. Right. So there was that. So now it's nice that we can. You can see that there's other people going through it, but I do think we're just still trying to learn. Not every, not everyone, you can't. And like, one of my favorite, like, new quotes that I've learned recently is when you do compare yourself, you're comparing their best to your worst most of the time. So, like, you're comparing, like my best moment of my day that I decided to post on Instagram to your worst moment of your day. Like, sister, let's go bad for bad. Like, we're there, we're equal. Let's go good for good. Like, we're also probably equal. So I think that's a really tangible way to just say, okay, wait, hold on, what am I comparing? Because, like, just because Kelly posted that she made a soup on a Sunday, that was one. You saw a 15 second frame out of a 24 hour Sunday can tell you there was peaks and valleys 100%.

[Liz]

And I have to say, it's almost one of those things too. So this year, I didn't have a business Instagram until the beginning of this year. So I've been starting to navigate my way through the wild, wild world of social media. And as I'm posting things or things like that, really realizing, wow, this is just a snapshot of my day. Like, as a consumer of social media, it's so easy to be like, oh my God, it looks like Kelly's day was amazing and now she's out with the pigs. Or like this and that, or Liz is doing this and wow, look at me. I can barely, like, run a brush through my hair. But so maybe that's even like, sometimes I will say that with clients of, like, find something practical like that. Like, you try for a day just like documenting your life on social media, like, not even posting it, but, like, you're there.

[Kelly]

I agree.

[Liz]

Like, how little you are seeing of someone's day and how easy it is to like, yes, frame a shot in a certain way. It's like, oh, let me frame this shot. You can't see the mass chaos that is on the outside of that shot. Like, I remember after I had Nora, my second, we went to, like, literally when she was like six days old, we, like, went to Costco and like, we're like, be popping around, like through Costco and stuff like that. And people like, your baby is adorable. How old is she? And I'm like five days old, like, blah, blah, blah, blah. And like the whole time I'm going, some of these people, like, there are other moms out there who are like, watching me in the store who have like five, six month olds and are like, how is that mom with that freshy baby out here? And they have no idea that this is my second go around. My second go around was much different than with my first. I felt a lot better with my second than I did with my first. I. You know, there's so many things where it's so easy to compare. And it was almost one of those things where I almost felt like I wanted to put, like a poster on my forehead saying, this is my second time. Do not compare to me. Also, you have no idea that my C section scar is kind of burning right now. Like, it is so easy to compare ourselves to others and to assume that someone is thriving when they're really not.

[Kelly]

Yeah, I do think. I think it is. I've always liked creating content, and I think it's kind of like a backwards thing to be like, oh, you're struggling with social media. Well, you try to do it. But I think it's. I think it's fun. First of all, for some people, it might be fun, and it's something about, like, romanticizing your day a little bit, like, okay, you know what? And showing. I think it's also fun to, like, show your work. And I'm not saying, like, get credit, but even to, like, your 200 followers, I think it's fun to be like, hey, here's what I. Here's something that I accomplished today. Like, kind of brag on yourself a little bit. I've always found it very therapeutic. And sometimes I've gotten, like, flack on Instagram for, like, doing too much. Or it's like, girl, like, you just had a baby. Don't be doing that. And it's like, girl, like, this is the only thing. Like, this is. I have to do something, and I Have to like, post about it because I like to.

[Lauren]

I'm sharing something.

[Kelly]

Like, call it a cry for help, but like, I'm sharing something I'm proud of that I did today because I did a lot of things I wasn't proud of.

[Lauren]

Nothing will make you feel more accomplished than cleaning your kitchen and recording it on time lapse. Time lapse. And then watching it back and then just post it. I love doing that.

[Liz]

You're like, oh my God, Lauren, I.

[Lauren]

I know. You're like, wow, that was only 30 seconds. Lauren, I have a. I have a question for you. So I feel like a lot of people probably have this feeling when they become a mom. And I'm sure it has a lot to do with the. What was that word you use? Matt. Matt Madeles. Okay. Very much in this stage, I'm sure you hear this all the time. I don't feel like myself. What do you. How do we. Where do we go from there? If someone comes to you and they're just like, I feel so far from the person that I was. What do I. What, what am I supposed to do?

[Liz]

The first thing that I say with that is you first have to just okay that feeling. Like it is okay that you don't feel like yourself. And I know that it is scary and it's allowed to be scary. This is a huge stage of transition that you are in. You have, you know, a brand new baby. You are, you know, like learning how to be a parent to two or four for the first time. You guys have never done this before. You know, you guys have been moms before, but you've never been parents to two before or four before. Like it is okay. It makes. Makes sense that you don't feel like yourself. Also when you look at the hormones on top of it that is happening. Like the hormones from sustaining the pregnancy, the hormones from sustaining breastfeeding, like all of that, it makes sense that you don't feel like yourself. So don't beat up on yourself for not feeling like you. So first of all, it's just okaying the feeling. And then I like to always come back around with the reassurance of you will find yourself again. And after, like, especially with moms where they're doing it for like a second, third, fourth time or whatever, going like you guys found yourselves afterwards, right? Eventually after having James, eventually after having like, you know, George, Hattie and Fred, you guys felt like yourselves again, right? So who you are is still in there. She has not gone away, but we are getting to know new aspects of who she is now because mom two, two versus, you know, mom to one looks a little bit different. Mom to four versus mom to three looks a little bit different. So there's kind of this, like, continuous re getting to know yourself and not expecting yourself to be the same person throughout your entire life. We are dynamic, you know, I mean, like, look at who we were 10 years ago, right? Like back in. Back in November of 2014. Who were we? Definitely not who we are now, regardless of kids.

[Kelly]

I've been telling Liz that because I. Because I think this transition list has hit you a lot harder than your first one. And I keep telling her, like, you're gonna love the girl you are when you come out of this, though, because I really feel like it's when you do, like, because Lauren, you're so right. Like, you do come back to it. And like, when you do, like, you kind of. I kind of always felt like a baddie. I'm like, okay. Not know, like now I did that. I think you're gonna, like, love the person you are on the other side of this. And I also think we all think we're a lot further gone than what we actually are. And I'm not saying what we're doing isn't hard, but it's not. At least for me. It's amazing what like a nice coffee, a night's sleep will do for me. Like, then I can see, like, okay. Like I was.

[Lauren]

It's okay.

[Kelly]

And like, you know, you have like, scary nights and then the next day you're like, okay. I wasn't as far gone as I thought.

[Liz]

I'm gonna be okay 1, 100%. It's like sometimes the small things can be so, so helpful. I mean, like my 14 month old, she had like a double ear infection last week. Which first ear infection in my, like, career as a mother. I don't know how we escaped it with my first, but. And then on top of that, she's 14 months old and has been majorly clingy. Like, unless I am holding her, if she can see me and I'm not holding her, she is screaming, crying, completely upset. Until I pick her up, I cannot get anything done. And so my in laws blessed them, took our two girls overnight Saturday into Sunday. And I could not believe how, like, refreshed I felt just from not having to do one bedtime, having a good night of sleep, not having to do one morning routine. Like, by like noon the next day, I was ready to have them back. But again, it's that piece of just letting where you are at be okay. That's where it comes. Like, those distress tolerance skills come in of. I have to develop skill sets to tolerate the fact that I don't feel great right now. And because I don't feel great and because I don't feel like myself, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me. It is just a symbol of this season. Like, and that's where I love comparing it to adolescence. Remember when you were 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, and the world felt so crappy. We were full of acne and full of hormones and didn't like ourselves and had crushes on people that maybe weren't returned. We were fighting with our parents and fighting with our siblings and about ready to, like, you know, chuck ourselves out the window and all of that. Like, as best as you can, have grace and compassion with who you are now. Like, who you are now is doing an awesome job and doing the best she can with what she has at the time. And that's enough. Like, that's all our kids need.

[Kelly]

Like, I don't know.

[Liz]

Have you guys ever heard of this concept of, like, a good enough parent? No. Research shows that our kids do not need perfect parents. They need good enough parents. And what that means is, let's say, like, your child comes to you and says, hey, mom, I need something. You can miss the mark. Like, in the sense of not hear the request, like, or be like, no, I can't meet that request. Or be like, I'm so overwhelmed right now, I can't talk to you. You can miss the mark seven out of ten times. You can turn toward them. Like, three out of ten times be like, yeah, I love you. Like, I'm here. I got you three out of 10 times. And be a good enough parent. The key is making repair. And that might be making repair. Like, later that evening. Like, you know, my older daughter's named Harper might be like, hey, Harper, Mommy was really overwhelmed and overstimulated earlier. I'm so sorry that I didn't respond in the way that you needed. I'm here now. What can I do for you? It might be making repair. When they're adults and they come to us and say, hey, mom, do you rem when I was 15 and blah, blah, blah, blah, happened and being able to go, wow, you know, thank you so much for telling me about that. Maybe we don't remember what it is. And it's like, I don't remember what that was, but I'm so glad you told me about that I'm so sorry that in that moment, I couldn't give you what you needed. Thank you for sharing that with me. Like, we can't be perfect. It is impossible to be perfect. And so in modeling for our kids that they don't. That we are not perfect, but we can make repair and create healing. That, in turn, gives them permission to not be perfect. And it gives them, like, that model for how to make repair and for there to ultimately be, like, closer connection afterwards. Because I don't know about you guys, but, like, I personally feel the closest to someone when there has been, like, a rift and then there has been repair. It's like, wow, there's this renewed sense of safety because we could talk about this hard thing and come back together.

[Lauren]

Totally.

[Liz]

So that's one of the things that I remind my clients. Yeah, you don't have to be perfect. It's impossible. I mean, we don't expect our kids to be perfect, so why do we expect ourselves to be perfect?

[Kelly]

Yeah. Well, Lauren, this was so insightful. Thank you so much for coming on. And I know that's. And just kind of just sharing some tangible takeaways and. And I think that I love the story of you just falling into this need because you were someone who probably needed it. I think that's so inspiring. So tell people where they can find you, and then if you wouldn't mind, tell us what you're making for dinner tonight.

[Liz]

Absolutely. So people can find me online. My business name is Millennial Mama therapy. Millennial has two N's and two L's in it, so millennialmama therapy.com you can also find me on Instagram at Millennial Mamatherapy. Millennial Mamatherapy everywhere is me. In Sacramento, California. I can work with clients throughout the state of California. It's the only state I'm licensed in, so unfortunately, I can't work elsewhere. And then, truthfully, I have no idea what on earth I'm making for dinner tonight. But the dish, the drive through that I brought, I already apologized to Liz off mic because it's a soup, but it's grilled cheese and tomato soup. And what I love about it is you can do the most or an.

[Kelly]

Excellent one, and you can do the least with it.

[Liz]

You can get a can.

[Kelly]

She's so right.

[Liz]

You can like, get the most basic cheese and bread you have in your fridge. I love that you can just, like, have those ingredients, like, on hand. And especially this time of year. Like, nobody's upset about grilled cheese and tomato soup. Like, everybody loves It. It's warm, it's cozy.

[Kelly]

Excellent. Ditch the drive through.

[Lauren]

Like, even I will eat that soup.

[Liz]

Perfect. Perfect. You can add some ground beef into it. Get some of, like, you know, your. What is it? Half a hog and quarter of cow that you guys have in your bakery. Throw some protein in there. There's some pasta in there. Throw some rice in there.

[Kelly]

No, she's right. You can do the most. Is it bunny bread and Kraft singles, or is it sourdough and like, a Havarti? Like, you just. You can do the most. You can do the least.

[Lauren]

Sometimes it's just making a good enough grilled cheese sandwich.

[Kelly]

Seven out of 10 times, I'm just gonna make a good enough grilled. Grilled cheese sandwich.

[Lauren]

Oh, my gosh. Yes.

[Liz]

We are good enough moms who make good enough dinners who make good enough grilled cheeses. Our kids are fed. They're thriving. We're surviving.

[Kelly]

I love that.

[Lauren]

But we'll.

[Liz]

Eventually, we'll be thriving too.

[Kelly]

I love that so much. Lauren, thank you so much for joining the carpal podcast. Make sure you guys give her a follow over on Instagram and let us know what other kind of guests we should have. I feel like this was really. I love learning. I like learning on my own podcast.

[Lauren]

I needed a little therapy session anyway, so I'm happy we got a little.

[Liz]

Well, thank you guys so much for having so fun. I already, like, gushed about this off the pod, but just want to say, like, on the mic, how much I admire and respect the two of you. Not, not just for the content you are creating and making, but also for how you guys are going about creating your business. And, like, you know what? You guys are modeling for other female entrepreneurs. Entrepreneurs out there.

[Lauren]

So thanks, Lauren. Thanks, Lauren.

[Kelly]

All right, have a good one.

[Liz]

All right, bye.

[Kelly]

And now it's time for Blake's Besties, where we share the stories of babies gone too soon in honor of pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. And our first story comes from Caitlyn. Caitlyn says that we lost our precious girl Charlotte last November, the day after we publicly announced our pregnancy. My son, now four years old, talks about her daily. Still, he tells everyone he has a little sister and heaven watching over him. I was 16 weeks when when we went in for our regular scan to check on her growth and found out that she had no heartbeat. And I had to deliver her later that day. On October 20th this year, I delivered our double rainbow baby. I always think it's so amazing to hear, like, I think how healing the other siblings are in the process and how good, like, a child does it remembering it. And it's like what we talked about the other day. Like, it's so. I think so much of, like, our culture feels like it's so taboo to talk about them, but, like, children just don't feel that way. And, like, children just have no qualms with like, or why wouldn't they talk about the baby sister? I just think we can all be. Be more like that.

[Lauren]

Be more like children. Yeah. Okay. I have one. Hi, Kelly and Liz, thank you for the space to share this intimate and awesome journey this year. You could say I have been heavily influenced by you both. I bought a 24 Volkswagen Atlas per the car mom car of the year. I bought my second house like you both and were expecting our second baby on March 9th. I can't really pinpoint anything specific about this pregnancy. Just an overwhelming sense of happiness. We did a cupcake gender reveal just between my husband, daughter, and myself. And I'll never be able to describe the pure joy when we found out it was a boy. That was until 9:22, when my world turned upside down. We were traveling out of the country for a wedding and lost Jordan at 16 weeks. This was one of the scariest things to go through. Having your body let you down, being in another country with a language barrier and going to a foreign hospital. But one thing that gives me comfort is this is this little Portuguese doctor looked at me and said, look, this baby only knew you and how much you loved him. But you cannot let this grief weigh you down. You must go live your life because there is so much joy. Though I still have moments and still all very raw, I think back to this wisdom, this wisdom often. Jordan, you are so loved and cherished. We will always remember the joy you brought us. Our sweet angel baby.

[Kelly]

Oh, my gosh.

[Lauren]

Yeah. I think that that perspective of just, like, how horrible it is to lose your pregnancy, lose your baby, but for their entire life, all that they knew was, like, comfort and safety and mom and love and, like, that is their entire. That was their entire existence. I don't. I don't know if that helps anyone, but obviously it helped this mom, and I just think that it was, like, a really beautiful way to think about it.

[Kelly]

Wow.

[Lauren]

Yeah. So that is our episode. So thank you so much for listening to the Carpool podcast, and we'll talk to you next time.

[Kelly]

See ya. Thank you for listening to the Carpool podcast with Kelly and Liz.

[Liz]

Make sure you're subscribed so you never miss an episode.

[Kelly]

And if you enjoyed riding with us.

[Liz]

Tell everybody you know there's room in.

[Kelly]

The car for everyone.