(As told to Jeremy Lott)
You may have heard the legend that Saint Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland, but I'm here to tell you it ain't, exactly, 100-percent true. Now it's true that Ireland has no snakes today and it's also true that Saint Patrick is the one that done it. But here's the thing: He didn't drive them snakes out.
Nope, he outsmarted them.
The snakes were always sinking their fangs into Irish people. And the people, well, they didn't like being bit one bit. So they all said, "Patrick, caaaan't you do something about it?"
Back then, Ireland was crawling with snakes from Donegal to Cork and from Galway to Wicklow. But there was one place the snakes liked best, and that was on the banks of the River Shannon in Limerick.
Them Limerick snakes were so thick on the ground that the fishermen couldn't cast their lines or launch their boats. If anyone so much as looked at them funny, the snakes would snap and hiss and generally start a stir.
And that's what they done when Patrick came up on them and said, "Snakes, we have to talk." Patrick let them go on for a bit and then he snapped back, "I said talk, not hiss."
"That ssssssilly human thinkssssss he can talk to ussssss," said one pit viper to the other snakes, who all had a good snake laugh at that.
"Yes, that is what the silly human thinks," said Patrick.
Them Limerick layabouts were stunned into shutting up. A human who could speak snake was a new thing to them. Finally, a large python cleared its throat. "Well what issssss it that you want to ssssssay to ussssss, human?" the python asked.
"The Irish have been talking to me, and they think it's time for you to go," Patrick said.
You may wonder why Patrick said, "the Irish" and not "we Irish." It's because he didn't come from here, but that's not what the snakes were wondering at that moment. They weren't wondering because they were coiling mad.
"Then we'll bite them! We'll bite every lasssssst one of them," one rattler said. Many others joined in with threats and hisses.
Again, Patrick let them get it off of their scaly backs for a minute before he spoke up. "My slithery neighbors, Ireland is a wet and chilly place for us humans, and we're warm blooded! Aren't you cold?" he asked.
"Yessssss," a few snakes answered.
"And wouldn't you rather go to where it's warm?" Patrick asked
"Yessssss!" many more snakes said.

"Rattler, wouldn't you like to slither through a nice Texas desert? And Adder, wouldn't you rather lounge on the banks of the Nile? And mamba, doesn't a sky island in an African rainforest sound good?" he asked.
Many snakes nodded their snaky snouts.
"Well then let us give you all a long vacation, and if you don't like it there you can always come back," Patrick said.
Some snakes started to say "yessssss," but then the biggest, baddest one of them all spoke up.
"You reek of liessssss, human. Why shouldn't I ssssssimply eat you insssssstead?" asked the anaconda.
Now, I gotta give Patrick some credit here. He did not give into the fear that he must have been feeling. No, he told that great big snake, "I'm too much for you to swallow." And, well, that did it.
"Ssssssurely you jesssssst, human. I can eat anything that movessssss, from a mousssssse to a rhinocssssserosssssss," the anaconda announced.
So Patrick made a bet then and there. If he could name something that moved that anaconda couldn't eat, all the snakes would all go on that vacation. And if not, well then, he was supper.
There must have been a twinkle in his eye when he said, "Eat the river."
Anaconda hissed. Trapped by its own boast! Still, the great big snake gave it a shot. It slithered out into a ways into the river and opened its great mouth and tried to suck the water in.
It wasn't long before the current carried it off. And I don't know much about snake religious notions. But if they have saints too then Patrick is one of them, because of what he did next.
He'd won. The snake that was gonna eat him was a goner, but Patrick went right went i...

Saint Patrick Charms the Snakes