A good story never dies with T.J. English

Summary

Podcast Summary: "A Good Story Never Dies with T.J. English"

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament
• Host/Author: Joey Coco Diaz
• Description: Joey Diaz (comedian, actor, and New York Times Bestselling author) and Lee Syatt discuss life, comedy, and everything in between on this weekly NYC-based podcast.
• Episode: A Good Story Never Dies with T.J. English
• Release Date: April 15, 2025

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1. Disastrous Dining Experience at P.F. Chang's

[00:00 - 03:00]

The episode kicks off with Joey Diaz recounting his recent disappointing meal at P.F. Chang's. His usual order, the Szechuan beef and hot and sour soup, did not meet his expectations.

• Joey Diaz: "We just ate bread. We're hungry. All right, let's go P Chang." [00:00]
• Joey Diaz: "They poured like 2,000 gallons of that Asian dressing on. I got a headache." [01:22]

His frustration mounts as he describes the absence of his favorite dishes, leading to an unsatisfactory dining experience for his family.

2. Parenting Challenges and a Canceled Middle School Game

[03:00 - 07:00]

Joey shares a stressful week involving attending his daughter's middle school game that was abruptly canceled. The situation led to an unexpected and lengthy car ride with three 12-year-old girls.

• Joey Diaz: "That was the longest 30 minutes of my life. Three 12-year old girls do not shut the fuck up." [05:06]
• Joey Diaz: "I had the week from hell last week... But not really. This is the shit I live for." [05:06]

The anecdote highlights Joey's patience and the humorous chaos of parenting young adolescents.

3. Reflections on Testosterone Levels and Male Health

[13:00 - 15:00]

The conversation shifts to a concerning topic: declining testosterone levels among young men. Joey expresses his views on modern lifestyles and their impact on male health.

• Joey Diaz: "Men don't even have testosterone. Grown men have the lowest testosterone rates of all time." [09:03]
• Joey Diaz: "First of all, it was 44 bucks. Damn, they raised it. The fucking salt and pepper prawns were 31 and they were greasy." [01:22]

He discusses the societal changes contributing to this decline, such as sedentary lifestyles and poor dietary choices.

4. High-Tech Dentist Visit

[13:40 - 15:10]

Joey narrates a positive experience at a state-of-the-art dental clinic. The advanced technology and efficient service left a lasting impression.

• Joey Diaz: "I forgot thinking about the time I went to the dentist... It was fucking amazing." [13:40]
• Joey Diaz: "The guy's like, I gotta rip two teeth out. I gotta take medication the night before." [14:41]

He contrasts this with older dental practices, appreciating the modern advancements in dental care.

5. Air Conditioning Anecdotes

[15:10 - 21:00]

A humorous exchange about air conditioning preferences reveals Joey's strong opinions on maintaining cool environments versus relying on fans.

• Joey Diaz: "Put the fucking air on. When I'm gone, you can do whatever the fuck you want." [17:03]
• Lee Syatt: "It's my first full summer in New York." [20:43]

Their banter underscores the perennial debate over optimal cooling methods, especially during hot summer months.

6. Introduction of Guest T.J. English and His Work

[27:44 - 35:47]

The episode welcomes T.J. English, an esteemed author known for his works on jazz and organized crime. T.J. discusses his latest book, "The Last Kilo," which delves into the intricate relationships between jazz music and mafia activities.

• T.J. English: "The Last Kilo explores how jazz and organized crime intersected across major U.S. cities." [30:19]
• Lee Syatt: "It's awesome to have you here, T.J." [27:44]

T.J. elaborates on his research methodology, emphasizing the challenges of uncovering historical connections without firsthand accounts.

7. Stories of Cocaine and Criminal Enterprises

[35:47 - 78:17]

A significant portion of the episode features in-depth discussions about the cocaine trade, its historical context, and its portrayal in media and popular culture. T.J. shares compelling narratives from his research, highlighting key figures like Willie Falcone and Salma Gluta, who played pivotal roles in the Miami cocaine boom of the 1980s.

• T.J. English: "Willie Falcone and Salma Gluta created a sophisticated distribution network that spanned major U.S. cities." [66:27]
• Joey Diaz: "Cocaine was such a big marketing tool back in the day. It was everywhere." [96:18]

They explore the socio-political factors that fueled the cocaine epidemic, including connections to the anti-Castro movement and the CIA's involvement in funding the Contras.

• T.J. English: "Their operations were deeply intertwined with political agendas, using drug money to finance anti-Castro activities." [70:49]

The conversation also delves into the cultural impact of cocaine in the entertainment industry, with references to famous figures and tragic stories related to substance abuse.

• Joey Diaz: "Celebrities were doing coke, rock stars were doing coke, athletes were doing coke." [80:01]

8. Drug Culture in Comedy and Personal Experiences

[78:17 - 105:55]

Joey and T.J. discuss the pervasive influence of drugs, particularly cocaine, in the comedy scene and Joey’s personal battles with substance abuse. Joey recounts his early exposure to drugs, the normalization of cocaine in his environment, and the subsequent fallout.

• Joey Diaz: "From 1979 to 2007, I was fucking hooked." [105:15]
• T.J. English: "There’s a self-destructive tendency in the drug world that affects individuals and industries alike." [90:57]

Joey shares anecdotes about his youth, interactions with drug users, and the eventual repercussions of his addiction, providing a raw and honest look into the darker side of the comedy and entertainment industries.

• Joey Diaz: "One night, a guy gave me a capsule filled with cocaine for my future relationships." [101:20]

T.J. adds insights into the broader implications of drug culture on societal norms and personal relationships, emphasizing the lasting impact of addiction.

9. The Enduring Allure of Storytelling and Writing

[35:47 - 119:45]

The latter part of the episode shifts focus to the art of storytelling and writing. T.J. English discusses his process of writing historical crime novels, underscoring the importance of narrative structure and creative inspiration.

• T.J. English: "Storytelling is about weaving facts into a compelling narrative that resonates with readers." [45:07]
• Joey Diaz: "Writing is like a muscle. You have to keep it active." [50:29]

Joey reflects on his own writing habits, drawing parallels between stand-up comedy and crafting a narrative, and shares his challenges with authoring books while battling substance issues.

• Joey Diaz: "Sometimes a different perspective hits me, and a perfect story unfolds overnight." [47:35]

The discussion highlights the symbiotic relationship between personal experiences and creative expression, illustrating how life events can significantly influence one's writing.

• Joey Diaz: "Writing is isolated work, tuning the world out to create your own story." [58:13]

Notable Quotes:

• Joey Diaz: "A good story never dies." [Beginning]
• T.J. English: "Jazz and organized crime evolved hand in hand, shaping the cultural landscape of America." [30:19]
• Joey Diaz: "Everyone did it back in the day. It was a complete wave." [94:05]

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Conclusion

In this episode of "The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament," Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt engage in a candid and wide-ranging conversation with author T.J. English. They explore the intersections of music, crime, personal struggles, and the enduring power of storytelling. Through humorous anecdotes and serious discussions, the episode offers listeners a multifaceted look into the complexities of life, addiction, and creative expression.

Note: Advertisements and promotional segments were omitted to focus on the core content of the discussion.

Transcript

[Joey Diaz]

Sunday we just went and it was the worst meal ever. That fucking P F Chang's yesterday.

[Lee Syatt]

How do you even end up at P F Chang's?

[Joey Diaz]

I go to P F Chang's once a month. I get the Szechuan beef. Are we on yet?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, well, we're recording. We don't have to be, but.

[Joey Diaz]

Nah, fuck it, let's go from here. We get the Szechuan beef, I get the hot and sour soup and you're safe the rice. You're always fucking safe. Always safe with that. They got the little noodles, you know. Always safe with that. Yesterday I had to go to mall. I had the girls with me. Everybody's hungry all of a sudden. Fucking hungry. We just ate bread. We're hungry. All right, let's go P Chang. Let's go to P F Chang's. I go in there, they got the oolong sea bass. They've had the oolong sea bass for 30 fucking years. But they took it off the fucking menu when I went in there. The only reason why I went to P F Chang, as I agreed, is because they got fried chicken. Now I got no fried chicken in New Jersey. At least this kills the. Whatever. It's not the best fried chicken, but it ain't bad either. So I go in there, they got no fried chicken and they got the oolong fucking sea bass, which they haven't had for fucking two years. So I go, you know what? Let me live off a little bit off the box. Let me get the oolong, whatever the fuck it was. I got the house salad and that was it. The house salad. They poured like 2,000 gallons of that Asian dressing on. I got a headache.

[Lee Syatt]

Gave you a headache?

[Joey Diaz]

And the fucking oolong, I don't know who cooked it. It wasn't no oolong. It was deep fried or some.

[Lee Syatt]

Dude, I have to be you. You have to admit, if I was coming in here with I went to PF Chang's and got fish, you would have a 45 minute rant.

[Joey Diaz]

I've been getting fish at PF Chang's for 10 years.

[Lee Syatt]

You live in New Jersey. And what about Freddie? What happened to Freddy?

[Joey Diaz]

Hold on. When I go on the road, when I go on the road to Columbus, there's certain towns, I can tell you exactly what the cities are. I go to PF Chang, close to the hotel, and they always got the fish and the salad can't go wrong with the fish and the salad cannot go wrong. You know, people get the fucking mocky Maki shrimp and the fat. I don't like none of that shit. I don't like none of that firecracker shrimp.

[Lee Syatt]

Ooh, that's good. I like that.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Cause you're fucking 10, you know, you're going there with a little hat, fucking fire shrimp. And then I know you eat sushi at fucking people.

[Lee Syatt]

No, I don't want to eat it.

[Joey Diaz]

How dare you put that on my record?

[Lee Syatt]

I want blemish record of they got three rolls.

[Joey Diaz]

What a coincidence. They're all prepackaged and you're in there. Oh, I mean, Asian, you know. But the fish ain't bad. That's my point. First of all, it was 44 bucks. Damn, they raised it. The fucking salt and pepper prawns were 31 and they were greasy. Than I tasted one, I had to spit it out. I went home, both of us, Me and my wife were shitting blood all over. Everybody was shitting. The only one is my billy goat daughter. She. No, but she had the beef and broccoli. She was safe. She was fucking safe, right?

[Lee Syatt]

How did you end up there instead of going to Freddy or like a regular Chinese?

[Joey Diaz]

Because I was in Freehold at the fucking mall. Do you not understand me?

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but if I had that excuse, you would be ripping me a new asshole right now because you did it.

[Joey Diaz]

Because a girl told you to go there.

[Lee Syatt]

Your girl told you to go there.

[Joey Diaz]

The boss. And my fucking daughter, my wife told me to go there.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, your daughter's the boss?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. You ever sit with that miserable fuck at a restaurant? Your daughter, if she don't like it, it's fucking misery. She looks on her phone, she looks around the restaurant like a retard. I can't. I can't. So I gotta take her somewhere where she fucking enjoys the food. And she's gonna be there Was a Yankee game on. You know, we're watching that. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, I got stuck with her. Listen, I had the week from hell last week, okay? Okay, but not really. This is the shit I live for. On paper, it sounds shitty. I went to my daughter's middle school game. I get there, and the bus from our school is there and the girls from our school is there. But I don't see the other team. We're waiting, and it's the home team. The fucking home team. I'm like, where's this fucking home team at? So I'm sitting in my car, I'm watching them warm up, and all of a sudden I see the Principal of the school run out from the school we're playing at. And she's like, game's been canceled. Our team went over to Marlboro and you guys came here, so forget it. So it's 3:30 in the afternoon, so all these kids are scrambling, they're on their phone calling their parents. Like three of these fucking kids. Their parents work like six o'clock at night.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

So my daughter comes over, she calls me and she goes, dad, no game. I can fucking tell that. All right? I can see you guys are walking over here now. So she goes, and what's her name's? Parents don't get out till five. Do you mind? I go, bring her with you. And then she called back, she goes, the Jewish girl's parents don't get out till five. I go, bring her with you too. Because I like her. I like both those girls. So they got in the car. That was the longest 30 minutes of my life. Three 12 year old girls do not shut the fuck up.

[Lee Syatt]

And they were talking to you?

[Joey Diaz]

No, they don't want to talk to an old fucking man. 4. They had some fucking music on and fucking jamming and yelling and talking about the school and this. Then I go, I asked them the question of life. You want to crack three little girls? What do you ladies want to eat? Oh, it's like I fucking pulled the fucking plug and threw a fucking grenade back there. I don't like this, I don't like that. I don't like this. There's one girl that, her legs are like this. Her little waist is like this. I will put the picture up. You gotta see how she eats meat and hamburgers. She weighs 10 pounds. Her mother tells me all the time. She goes, we had to leave here and take her for a fucking steak last week. She ate everything. She cleaned off the steak and she didn't give a fuck. She'll go anywhere.

[Lee Syatt]

That girl, is she the Jewish one?

[Joey Diaz]

No, the Jewish one was the one. I'm like, how about Chinese food? I don't know. You fucking Jew, you know.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh my God. Especially before Passover.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm like, jewish, you want Chinese food? She's like, I don't know, I'll find something. I'm like, God damn it. So I took them for pizza, okay? Fancy restaurant. And they were in love. They all got their little sodas with the cherries in it and.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, the Shirley Temples.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, they were.

[Lee Syatt]

That was the best.

[Joey Diaz]

When you were like a kid, those girls devoured that tape. My wife got it. My daughter got a Chicken pone. That was the size of my head. The other girl got a whole fucking pizza and the other girl got the half pound cheeseburger with the fries gone. I didn't eat dick because I had the stitches in my mouth. I had to sit there and just watch.

[Lee Syatt]

No wonder they like going out to eat with you.

[Joey Diaz]

Nah, I had them for like an hour and a half. It was the shit they were talking about. Is amazing that the. That they were talking about in that car. Who's dating who at 12? Oh, yeah. They don't even kiss. They just walk around like, yeah, they were dating, but they never talked in school.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

What are you talking about? You know what I'm saying?

[Lee Syatt]

That that's when you're dating and you hold hands. You're like, you break up the same day.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, yeah. They don't. They don't like that. Then my daughter told the story about when she was 6, she had a boyfriend for about two weeks, but the kid kept getting in trouble. A Russian kid named Nikita. And she dumped him. And that day he slipped and cut his hand. He got stitches in school. My daughter's like, I felt so bad, I just dumped him. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? I don't even remember Nikita. He was a big fucking kid for eight years old.

[Lee Syatt]

What does it feel like to you? Like, you know, to hear your daughter talking about, like, dating and like, no, she wasn't.

[Joey Diaz]

She's like, fucking. I think my daughter's gonna be a lesbian. I don't know. She likes softball, you know, and she's like, I don't know. Those kids are goofy. One day she told me, she goes, those kids in my class, they come in thinking that they got a big dick dad. But she goes, at the end of the day, I got a bigger dick. And I just. Look, I'm like, okay, you want it? So.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus, I can't wait till she's like 16, just going crazy. Like, what. What were you like in 12? Do you like. Do you think about that now when you. When you look at that? When you look at her?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. And it's two different worlds. Were you dating back? Well, I was starting to fall in love with this girl I dry humped.

[Lee Syatt]

That's it, The New Yorker.

[Joey Diaz]

We dry humped, we walked home together, we danced at the school dances. I mean, that was it. There was no. I mean, in my mind that was sexual because I was raised in that shit. I got Cuban uncles who ask you at 5, you got your dick sucked. Dick sucked you got your dick sucked. You're like, ah. You start crying. You don't know what the fuck they're talking about. But that's what they ask you if you piss. Sweet. You know, creepy fucking Cuban uncles, all of them would be in prison today, right? Because the shit they say to you growing up as you're a fucking young man.

[Lee Syatt]

So do you fuck with. I mean, obviously not like in the sexual way, but like, do you fuck with these kids at all? No, no, no. Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

Because they're young women and I don't want them to take something wrong and go to their homes and then say.

[Lee Syatt]

Something that makes sense.

[Joey Diaz]

I said something. So I don't discuss anything in front of them. I talk some shit in front of my daughter. She's my fucking daughter, right? But these yellow young girls know, if they get in the car and they get into a car, I'll tell them, lighten up on the fucking conversation. And they don't think that way. Guys, trust me when I'm telling you that I'm around these kids, I see them like the little boys. They're 12 still. When I was 12, I was starting to bang it out. I was sniffing my aunt's bras. I was doing creepy shit. These guys probably are, but they're reserved. They wear slippers with socks on. These fucking kids. They don't even have to come in their nuts, they're so weak. I mean this to the test. Men don't even have testosterone. Grown men have the lowest testosterone rates of all time. With the egg whites and the faggotry and the fucking. And the phone and the fucking. You know, there's no cum left. You think these 12 year olds are gonna have cum in their little nut sacks? They don't eat like us. They don't eat. You know, when we were growing up, you ate what your mother cooked. Fucking pasta, steak, black beans. These fucking kids got every single option and there's every single chemical in their fucking food, right? From Cheerios to fucking, you know, everything. They don't even have sperm. They have nothing. They have fucking nothing. These little facts.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus Christ. Do you think, you think it's going that way? Because like I would have thought it's.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm just telling you what I read.

[Lee Syatt]

What articles are you reading where they're talking about 12 year old?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm not talking about. I'm not talking about kids. But what I'm saying is it's a, it's. It's a fucking crisis right now that they've tested men 25 to 34. And testosterone levels across the board. That's why you see these guys with their brown shoes and the blue suits and they tighten up. They look like fucking faggots. They look like fucking faggots. But it's accepted now. Look at men today. They don't look like men no more. They don't look like James Coburn. They don't look like fucking Sollozzo. What was that guy's name? They don't look like that. They don't look like that. And then again, you look at women. If you guys are watching this, if you're young, dig up Playboy magazine on Google. Look at what tits looked like in the seventies. They were thicker. And the fucking circle in the middle was gigantic. Whatever that fucking thing is. The areola was huge. Titties from the 70s and titties from the 2000s are two complete different fucking titties.

[Lee Syatt]

I never thought about. What do you think happened to the titties?

[Joey Diaz]

Everything changed. Women started putting more shit in their bodies, just like fucking men did. So I know for a fact right now, if you look up the fucking charts, testosterone is down in young men. So it's got to be down in young kids. It didn't even reach. It doesn't even fucking reach. And that has to do with playing guys. When you're on a fucking computer and you're running, that's testosterone in your fucking legs. Walking upstairs, walking up the field with your fucking football uniform on. That's what builds testosterone. At our age, at my age, if I sit there and watch tv, there's nothing in your dick. You try to jerk off, it won't get hard. And if you do get it hard for a minute and a half, dust comes out of it. That's proven. You got to stick up with your fucking protein. And you got to fucking do stuff from here down. You got to do stuff from here down. That's your sperm. That's. That's your fucking growth hormone. Then you gotta supplement with that shit. That's big now. The fucking tit milk.

[Lee Syatt]

Breast milk.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, you get it in powder.

[Lee Syatt]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

What's the first shot of tit milk that comes out? It's liquor Gold. They call it Liquor Gold. What's that shit called?

[Lee Syatt]

I've never heard of that.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, when the baby comes out of the fucking womb and the doctor gives it back to the mom, that first blast, the titmil. Colostrum. It's called colostrum. And it comes in fucking packages now. And you gotta put two or three fucking dips in your milk every day or whatever. And watch what happens to your dick. Watch what happens to your hair. I started taking the ear. I got no hair on my head. But everywhere else. I'm a wolf, man. I got hair everywhere. Oh, my God. My wife had to shave my ear the other day. Yeah, I got hair everywhere else. On my legs, my fucking behind, my kneecaps. It grows hair. Colostrum. Not where you need it.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I had to do. Because you've been like hairless, like. Because I've seen more of you than like, you've. I've never seen hair on any part of you.

[Joey Diaz]

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. So I don't even know how we got in this conversation.

[Lee Syatt]

I have no idea.

[Joey Diaz]

With testosterone. And then I had the best day of my life the other day when I went to the dentist. I went to a dentist that's high end computers, 3D imagery. Okay, this is wild. I mean, you get raped up to fucking ass, but you go to these old guys and they're still working like 1970, you know, you can't fucking do it. So I went to this guy just to check them out. Oh, my God, they printed up on the thing. They show your teeth. They got a DJ behind you, action. It's fucking amazing. So I go in there, the guy's like, I gotta rip two teeth out. I gotta take medication the night before. I go in there, fucking 10 in the morning, I put the ipod, whatever the fuck, your earphones on. And guys, he started popping needles in my mouth. I felt the first three and after that I didn't feel anything. And at the end I go, did you pull your teeth out yet? He goes, I did that in the beginning. I didn't feel two teeth. And they had 60 year old Cuban teeth, pre revolutionary teeth, you know what I'm saying? When there was fucking real tit milk and Russians and Cubans.

[Lee Syatt]

You're not lying. You open everything with your teeth. I've seen you open like fucking like metal with your teeth.

[Joey Diaz]

I got Cuban teeth, dog. I seen him going like this for a minute, but I didn't know what the fuck but.

[Lee Syatt]

And this was your best day? What, this was a good day for you?

[Joey Diaz]

It was good because I lived it. I thought I was gonna faint eight times, but I didn't. The only thing that bothered me was the stitches. The cotton that hung on my mouth. Every time he'd have to fucking put it in, the cap would hang in my mouth. It was driving me why don't you like cotton? I fucking hate cotton.

[Lee Syatt]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

I like cotton underwears and a cotton T shirt, but a ball of cotton drives me fucking crazy when you rub it on me. Even like a Q tip when you fucking stick it in my ear at first. That's why I always do those coke pens. You ever scratch your ear with a Coke pen and shit? The Bic that you pop the top.

[Lee Syatt]

I've seen you do that. Yeah, the blue ones.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, you pop it, you snort coke. But before you snort the coke, you scratch your ear with it, and the wax holds on to that little coke. The next morning, you gotta be looking for that cocksucker.

[Lee Syatt]

I was gonna. Did you ever put coke in your ear anyway? I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

Why would I put coke in my ear?

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

Why are you picking your.

[Lee Syatt]

Why are you picking your ear?

[Joey Diaz]

Why would I put coke in my ear?

[Lee Syatt]

You put it everywhere else.

[Joey Diaz]

Dogs put coconut. If you want to get your animal high, that's what the. You do. How was your weekend? You got promoted. You did three spots on Thursday.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, it was great. Comedy's been going great. I was at St Mark's Comedy Club, too. It was a great weekend.

[Joey Diaz]

Look at you and shit.

[Lee Syatt]

I walked up the stairs for one of the last times.

[Joey Diaz]

I told you. I told you when I met you that time you were looking for the first woman.

[Lee Syatt]

It was not the first.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. You. I knew when you got it, and now you dropped it on me when.

[Lee Syatt]

I dropped it on you.

[Joey Diaz]

Third week since I've been here in Harlem. It was excited.

[Lee Syatt]

I was excited.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm up the corner from a Chinese restaurant. I'm down the block from this, and all of a sudden, under his breath, he hit me with, like. You know, it's also four floors. What? What'd you say? No elevator. Fourth flight. I go, lee, get the money back. You're not.

[Lee Syatt]

You can't get the money back.

[Joey Diaz]

You're not gonna go up no four flights of stairs. I know you for years.

[Lee Syatt]

I'm gonna go up. I'm gonna go up. I have to over the next couple months because it. It has ac. She doesn't have ac. I have good ac. She has, like, minimal.

[Joey Diaz]

Get rid of.

[Lee Syatt]

The entire New York.

[Joey Diaz]

City if you ain't got.

[Lee Syatt]

She has it, but it's like that. Have you ever had the buildings where it's like, either hot or air?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, you. No, you got to get one in the.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I have central air in Harlem.

[Joey Diaz]

Tell her you're Jewish and you need one in the window.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I need. Dude, I need ac.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[TJ English]

Everywhere.

[Joey Diaz]

You're a chubby Jewish dude. You got a time for central air and. Oh my God. Let's open the window. The breeze. Listen, you and your breeze. That don't work for Uncle Joey. No people in California pull that.

[Lee Syatt]

They do.

[Joey Diaz]

They're just cheap. We live in the beach. We open up the window. Listen, listen, listen. Stop. You're just a cheapskate. You're just a fucking cheap fuck. Put the fucking air on. When I'm gone, you can do whatever the fuck you want. Open the windows, light candles, rub each other's feet. When papa's here, put the fucking air conditioner down. And shut those fucking windows. I don't want to hear your neighbors fucking doing Yama state noises next door.

[Lee Syatt]

One of my favorite stories with you in air conditioning is I think you were in Nashville or somewhere. And you turn the AC on so cold that it was too cold to get out of the bed to go pee. Yeah, he just peed from the bed.

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck yeah, it was too cold. Sometimes that air conditioning backfires, Jack. And you gotta do what you gotta do. But these people with. Oh, we have fans. Listen, a fan ain't gonna work. They got fans in Cuba. Ask em how it's working out for them. You know what I'm saying? They got fans in Puerto Rico too, in August. Ask them how it's working out.

[Lee Syatt]

And they always put the string on it so you can see where the air is.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I don't wanna see where it's going. I just want cold. Listen, when I moved to North Bergen When I was 10, my mother made the mistake to put an air conditioner in my window.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Now guys, 73 TJ how much colder was it in 73 than what the bullshit is we got now? We had no fucking buildings. This whole river line didn't have no buildings. So that air that comes down from Canada from fucking once, it would pop up and then it would catch in the bottom of those North Bergen hills. Your ears were like potato chips. They would just break. They would just break. That's why a bunch of people in North Bergen don't have ears. They got fucked up ears. Chickarelli, all those motherfuckers, their ear broke. Do you know I used to put my air conditioner on in December? By the time I got up.

[Lee Syatt]

Would it even work?

[Joey Diaz]

By the time I got up in the morning, it was frozen. There was 2 inches of snow on it. I'd have to leave a bucket under the bed and Push the bed. My mom would go, why do you put the air conditioner on? It's fucking December. I'm one of those type of guys.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, yeah. I love opening the window in the window.

[Joey Diaz]

December, December, Colorado. And you too. Where TJ lives. New Mexico. September comes along, you open the window at night. Oh, you gotta get up at 4 in the morning. Shut that down. It's cold in there. It drops to like 10 and shit. You're like, yeah, yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Fuck.

[TJ English]

You're up in the mountains.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. You're up in the fucking mountains. Colorado in July. Leave that little window open at night. I don't care what it was in the daytime. I don't care if the streets were melting. Leave that window. By 5:30, you'll be waking up going, what the fuck?

[Lee Syatt]

That is something that, like, I'm not. I'm loving New York. But this, this is gonna be my, like, first full summer.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

And, dude, I was here last summer looking for these apartments and, like, I would walk out of the house and be like, I'd have to change three times a day.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

And I'm not you. Who takes three showers a day normally.

[Joey Diaz]

But I would be four flights of stairs. You're in no danger taking that one shower.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, I know, dude. I'm so happy to be getting out of that place. But who knows?

[Joey Diaz]

Who knows what?

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know. You gave me. Give me 200 milligrams of coconut gummy. It's already kicking in.

[Joey Diaz]

Here we go. We're in training.

[Lee Syatt]

What do you mean?

[Joey Diaz]

What do you mean? Here we go.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, we're in training.

[Joey Diaz]

We're back.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, my God, dude, I'm not even gonna remember Austin. I already know. People are gonna ask me, how was Austin? But I have no.

[Joey Diaz]

You ever see any movies? Remember in Austin? Nobody wants to remember. They want to go down there, eat barbecue, shit blood, get chlamydia and come right back. That's the University of Texas. A lot of dirty pussy down there.

[Lee Syatt]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

A lot of dirty fucking white women puke on the streets.

[Lee Syatt]

Is that good? I don't want to.

[Joey Diaz]

That's tremendous.

[Lee Syatt]

Why do you want to get chlamydia?

[Joey Diaz]

You come home with a crab and a little scratching and. And a little juice coming out of your dick. That always makes Mama happy. You know what I'm saying? You know, how can you die without getting chlamydia? One time? I'm okay with that stupid chick in LA who got the fake tits and got married three months later. What'd you get? The fake Tits for? Nobody came on them. She spent three grand on fake tits. Nobody came on them. She didn't tit fuck anybody. She met one guy and got married. That's it. Take them back. What do you need them for?

[Lee Syatt]

Take them back.

[Joey Diaz]

Take them back. $3,000 down the drain. Now you're going to have kids. You got to take them out to breastfeed. What would you do that for? I spent $3,000 on titties. I'm rocking. Jack, I'm at Rudy's smacking people with tits. I'm having a good old time. I'm earning. You can make a good living with a big. Pay attention to the bar.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, but then you're going to have to spend all that money on therapy. After 20 years using your tits in a bar.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, nobody wants to see your tits in 20 years.

[Lee Syatt]

Well, yeah, but after 20 years she's.

[Joey Diaz]

Still going to have great tits. But a stomach like mine, nobody wants to see you clapping when your whole body fucking shakes. Okay? You got a short longevity, right? Nice. Fake tits are like a running back. Oh, really?

[Lee Syatt]

It's three years and then what happens? You gotta retire.

[Joey Diaz]

And then one gets bigger than the other one. The one nipple falls out of line. So you gotta work those motherfuckers. Jerk. You gotta take them out.

[Lee Syatt]

Have you. I've never, I've never, like, maybe a stripper, but I don't think I've ever seen like in person fake tits. Like no one ever fucked has had fake tits. I don't think.

[Joey Diaz]

You never been with a woman?

[Lee Syatt]

I don't think so.

[Joey Diaz]

Tremendous.

[TJ English]

Really.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, you give him a stab and you lift up the tip. You rub the scar. Punch it a little bit.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you punch the scar?

[Joey Diaz]

Sure, you rub, they love it. You press your finger in there. You dirty, flat chested. Who you think you're lying to? You press that finger in there. They love it. Pain and pleasure at the same time.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus. I don't like, I did. I did hook up with a girl once who had the reduction. I was really pissed off when she told me.

[Joey Diaz]

I bet you were.

[Lee Syatt]

I was like, why would you get it reduced?

[Joey Diaz]

Why'd you get it reduced? I don't know. Okay. Bummer. They always tell you that because my back was hurting. Let it hurt.

[Lee Syatt]

Lay down.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh my God, the ancestors, they're all bent over. Who gives a. Your back hurts. I went to school with a girl that had gigantic tits in grammar school. I mean, they were gigantic. I mean gigantic. She was cute, but her back started hurting too. What are you gonna do they had to bury their tits. Now she's got like C cups. All right, what are you gonna do? They still work.

[Lee Syatt]

Would you ever do anything? Like, did you ever, like, think about like any sort of plastic surgery?

[Joey Diaz]

All the time. I think I'm going in next week. I'm gonna do my nut sack, my foot, I'm gonna do my face. I'm gonna look like fucking Mel Gibson. I don't know how you fucking retire, dude.

[Lee Syatt]

They do a lot of shit. Like they can make your dick bigger.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, but who needs that?

[Lee Syatt]

I don't know.

[Joey Diaz]

Who needs that? Why don't you go and get your dick bigger?

[Lee Syatt]

Like, because I can't show up now with a bigger dick.

[Joey Diaz]

21 inch dick. A Jew.

[Lee Syatt]

That'd be nice.

[Joey Diaz]

And do a review and fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

A review of my dick?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, call it. What's the guy's name?

[Lee Syatt]

Ron Jeremy.

[Joey Diaz]

No, Ron Jeremy. What's the guy that runs Israel's name?

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, fucking not Yahoo's favorite missile.

[Joey Diaz]

That's what'll be. You just do a male review. You bring Aaron Berg with you. Another Jew.

[Lee Syatt]

I don't think he wants to see my dick.

[Joey Diaz]

No, listen, when it's two feet, everybody wants to see your dick.

[Lee Syatt]

That's true.

[Joey Diaz]

When you have a two foot dick, everybody wants to take a peek. They won't tell you. It's like that girl at three in the morning, I don't want to have sex. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to see your dick. Yeah, they do want to see your dick. Because you got a 21 inch dick, 26 inch. Let's do 2.2ft of dick. 1.8 when it's cold. Okay? Everybody wants to see your dick. You can open up an open mic, charge five bucks, people come in, and if at ten bucks they could touch it, like they could rub it. That's where the market picks up.

[Lee Syatt]

What was that Mark Wahlberg movie?

[Joey Diaz]

You sell T shirts afterwards? I touched a big dick. This is a big business.

[Lee Syatt]

I went to New York and all I got was this.

[Joey Diaz]

You wanted to meet with business. I got business for you.

[Lee Syatt]

What was that Mark Wahlberg movie where he had the huge dick?

[Joey Diaz]

Boogie Nights.

[Lee Syatt]

Boogie Nights. And he would just let guys like look at it in the back. Right? Or what?

[Joey Diaz]

It was crazy. Does it matter?

[Lee Syatt]

Of course. You're the one talking about a two foot dick. Oh, my God.

[Joey Diaz]

If I had a two foot dick, I wouldn't wear underwear.

[Lee Syatt]

Why?

[Joey Diaz]

I just take the ticket. Why? Because. Why?

[Lee Syatt]

It's not a ticket. It's Jail? What do you mean? You're going to walk around?

[Joey Diaz]

Take the ticket. What's the story? You got your pants off? Look at the size of this fucking horn between my legs. You want to fuck with me, cocksucker? It's 10 degrees out. I got 1.8 over here I'm throwing at you and you want to give me a ticket? Do you know who my grandfather is? You know the size of his fucking dick? Fucking Lee. We're back, motherfuckers, in a big way. And we'll be back with our guest. It's Tuesday the 15th, the halfway mark. So get your shit together. The church New Testament is here. Cocksuckers. We'll be right back. What's happening, beautiful people? Uncle Joey here for Bluechew. Listen, if a soft sausage is holding you back from meeting the love of your life, Blue Chew has what you need. They send chewable tablets right to your fucking front door that are gonna make you a beast in the bedroom. Just head over to their website, talk to one of their licensed medical providers, and if they approve you, you'll get your medicine within days. It's easy, it's quick, and it's confidential. Even the mailman won't know. I love Bluechew. You know why? They come in individual packets. You meet a victim, you put on your cape, you eat it, and you're ready to rock. And she will call back. They even taste like mint so your breath can be fresh when you're diving that little Munqua. Anyway, make life easier by getting harder and discover your [e-mail] and we've got a special deal for church listeners. You ready? Try your first month of Bluechew for free. Especially now, you want to head into late Memorial Day slinging dick like Batman. You know what I'm saying? Just press in code, Joey J O, E Y. And pay $5 in shipping. That's promo code Joey J O e y. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And I want to thank Bluechew for sponsoring the show. We're back, bitches. With author extraordinaire and dear, dear friend, Mr. TJ motherfucking English in the house.

[TJ English]

T. Joey, how you doing?

[Joey Diaz]

Pull that mic up. T.J. english.

[TJ English]

How you doing, Joey?

[Joey Diaz]

I'm doing well, my brother. How about you? Always a pleasure to see you.

[TJ English]

Yeah, I don't see you often enough.

[Joey Diaz]

What's happening? I know, I know, I know. I live right fucking here.

[TJ English]

I know, I know, I know.

[Joey Diaz]

I wish I would do more stuff for you maybe go to the Blue Note or something.

[TJ English]

Anytime.

[Joey Diaz]

I know you're a Blue Note type of guy. I tried to get some shows there, but they were already booked for the year. Just like maybe something at 8:00.

[TJ English]

Yeah, you gotta get tickets early there.

[Lee Syatt]

You've been to the Blue Note? It's one of my favorite places.

[Joey Diaz]

He's a fucking king in there. He does what he wants and miss.

[Lee Syatt]

So blue.

[Joey Diaz]

He puts the blue and blue. Have you been to the other ones?

[TJ English]

I've been to all the jazz world.

[Lee Syatt]

They have one in Hawaii.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[TJ English]

Oh, no, I haven't been to. They have them all over now, though.

[Joey Diaz]

I noticed Seattle.

[TJ English]

A lot of places. I've always see a advertisement for something like Houston. I mean, I didn't know they had a Blue Note in Houston.

[Joey Diaz]

Wow, that's a good place.

[TJ English]

So they franchised.

[Lee Syatt]

What?

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

How long have you been into jazz?

[TJ English]

I think it's funny because there was no jazz around at all when I was a little kid growing up, so I probably never. Well, no, I take that back. My parents had a couple albums. They had Louis Armstrong and they had Bing Crosby and they might have had some Sinatra stuff. So I got a little flavor of it. But it wasn't until I got to college, Southern California in the late 70s. And I would just go to these great old used record stores near the beach in Santa Monica, and I started buying jazz records and. And I just was winging it, you know? This looks interesting. I mean, I kind of knew. Okay, I've heard of Duke Ellington. Let me listen to that. And I just started to explore it and then just got into it, man. Just got into it. I don't. There's no other music like. Like jazz, to me, it. It's got soul and you feel it. But it's also kind of intellectual. There's like a thought process involved in it.

[Lee Syatt]

And I don't. I don't know anything about music, but seeing it live, which is new for me.

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Like, I saw it at the Blue Note and then I went to Nashville and saw it at a jazz place. It was crazy. Like, live in a small place is cool as shit. Yeah, because it's like, you know, it's just like you can really get into it. And I know you're not here to talk about jazz, but I love the Blue Note. I love it.

[Joey Diaz]

You could talk about anything.

[TJ English]

The last book I wrote was about jazz.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[TJ English]

So jazz and its history, historical connections to organized crime.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, shit.

[TJ English]

Yeah. There's more to that. Story than you would think. I mean jazz in the. And the mob and the mafia in the United States kind of all started at the same time in different cities like New Orleans and Chicago and New.

[Lee Syatt]

York and where they own clubs.

[TJ English]

They own clubs. They owned the very first jazz clubs. So they were in. On the ground floor as the presenters of the music. All the clubs are. Most of the clubs are in every city. Large cities and even medium sized cities were run by the local mob element. That's who ran the jazz clubs.

[Lee Syatt]

And. And just because it was a cash business, like why would they pick jazz?

[TJ English]

Jazz was. Jazz was, you know how big hip hop was. When hip hop just first started to really hit in the 80s and captured everybody's imagination. Jazz was that times 10. Jazz was like a cultural phenomenon. There'd never been any music like that. All there'd been in America up to that point was, you know, bluegrass and folk music and then classical music from Europe. European music. Basically jazz was like American. It was the blues had the blues in the roots of it. And it all started in. In New Orleans. So it was a phenomenon, man. It was really popular. Everybody went to jazz clubs.

[Lee Syatt]

That's whenever I watch a movie from like that time and like people are out at like a. Seeing music and like doing stuff every night. Like that doesn't happen anymore. People are out seeing something every night because I was like. There wasn't TV or like. It was crazy.

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

I can't imagine how big that was. It like a huge part of the mob's business.

[TJ English]

It wasn't a huge part of their business. It wasn't so much economic as it was prestige. It was like the hottest thing. Like everyone's coming to your club and everyone wants to be seen in your club and everyone wants to be at your club. It was great advertising for. For a mobster, you know. Oh yeah. It gave them stature and they became friendly with some of the musicians and hung out with them and stuff. So there was a lot of cross pollination.

[Lee Syatt]

That's awesome.

[Joey Diaz]

It's really weird when you. I used to go to a. When I first started comedy, 93, 94 around there. My Tribble had a run in Colorado and this was one of those rooms that it was in Gunnison or one of those off the. Not Denver or Boulder.

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, and I remember going in there one night, doing a show and like another 75 bucks people didn't like me. And on the way out I started talking to the owner. He took me in the back and he was like, no, we started just doing comedy in whatever it was. 89. When the comedy boom. Before that, we did everything. They took me in the back. This was a little fucking club in Gunnison, Colorado. Everybody was there. Everybody. He even told me that the only comedian he did started bringing was Roseanne. And that one time she showed up with Tom Arnold and that he got so coked up on blood that when she pulled the. When he pulled the fucking mattress out, it was just blood all over the mattress from his nose and shit. But it's really weird. It had gone back to like the 50s.

[TJ English]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

He had a bunch of people. I can't remember off the top. I do remember the Roseanne story, but just, you know, it's. It's.

[TJ English]

That's a throwback to like the days of burlesque entertainment where you had a venue and you had all these variety of acts. You know, you had musicians, you had jugglers, you had all kinds of dancing. Vaudeville, Vaudeville.

[Joey Diaz]

Right, Something like that.

[TJ English]

Vaudeville. And it would travel around the country and it was huge. You go to all these different cities, big cities, little size cities. And it. Yeah, jazz was a part of that a little bit. When it first started, that was put in the mix, those vaudeville shows. But guys like Sammy Davis Jr. Came out of that. Yeah, that. That's. I. I miss. I miss. I miss that kind of nightlife.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know why I was thinking about this. A few days ago, the Comedy Store, Ciro's was. It was Ciro's before that. Yeah, you gotta remember, guys, that was a full service club. Sex, booze. And if your chick got pregnant, the Belly Room is where they did the abortion. That's why they called it the Belly Room.

[Lee Syatt]

It was like a nightclub.

[Joey Diaz]

When you walk through the Comedy Store, you will find hidden passages. You will find where Bugsy Siegel. Cause that was his club.

[TJ English]

Yeah, that's all back from.

[Joey Diaz]

Bugsy would fucking come out Prohibition. So you could see where he would watch the shows in the main room from standing up there. Nobody could see him. There's two way mirrors all over that fucking place. I was remembering this, that Mitzi's office was a safe. You know those safes that you open up and going through the wall like a bank. Damn.

[Lee Syatt]

They had that much cash coming in.

[Joey Diaz]

You had open that. No, it was an old fucking safe.

[Lee Syatt]

I know, but I'm saying they had that much cash coming in when it.

[Joey Diaz]

Was zero into an office.

[Lee Syatt]

Okay?

[TJ English]

That's all.

[Lee Syatt]

No, but you're saying it was. When it was zeros, it was a.

[TJ English]

Safe, that's all from prohibition date, that's all. Prohibition when there was illegal activities like booze and gambling going on in those establishments. Yeah, fuck, I fantasize about that era too. A lot.

[Joey Diaz]

You could go downstairs to the basement and you could. There's a secret path and if you find that if they got raided there was a way for them to get out and come out on the alley or the valley up by the fucking hill. I mean dog, it is very interesting.

[TJ English]

Yes.

[Joey Diaz]

Like it's very interesting what they did. And it's funny because when I read your book about the jazz, that's what I was feeling in those clubs. Yeah, you know, nevermind money laundering, making money off the fucking probation. I mean, you know, mobsters just. It was just a way to cleanse money and it was a sign of stature. So it made fucking sense.

[TJ English]

And they all wore beautiful suits. All the gangsters dressed fine, man. They. Everything, everything about him from head to toe was his finery. The best suits, the best tailoring. So when they were in a club, there was this guy, Oney Madden, who, Who ran the Cotton Club when it was in its heyday. And he was a fucking Irish punk from Hell's Kitchen and had had been the leader of a gang called the Gophers. And he did some serious shit. He even went away and did time for murder. And he came back and it was the middle of prohibition and he was like, oh shit, none of this existed when I went away to prison. And now he's come back, he's like, I'm going to make the most of this. So he started making connections with politicians and the police. He started using corruption to create a system. To make a long story short, within a year he was the biggest bootlegger in all of New York City. And he would, wouldn't step outside. So they called him. What was his nickname? It'll come to me. I catchy nickname. Something to do with Broadway because he'd hang out on Broadway and he, he was a boy. He had an affair with Mae West. He had a fling with Mae West. This guy was the of a walk, as they used to say. And, and. But he never went anywhere unless he was dressed to the nines, man. He didn't show himself in public. And the gangsters were like that. It was kind of a very elegant presentation. You could see why people were attracted to the allure of the gangster. You know, they had that sex appeal. They really had it.

[Joey Diaz]

Even when you watch the Raging Bull, when they go to that fair in the beginning where the first fight is. Everybody's dressed for the fucking. Oh, yeah, and those suits are gorgeous.

[TJ English]

Yeah. The women, too, though, they dress up in the. In the. In the finery and in the dresses. Yeah, that got lost along the way, man. I guess it was the 60s, really.

[Joey Diaz]

That, you know, I still remember dressing up the fly. Like, my mother would make me put a suit on to fly anywhere.

[TJ English]

Like, anywhere fly.

[Joey Diaz]

And then as I got older, I'm like, what am I gonna wear a suit for? Now people are wearing flip flops and pajamas and dirty hair.

[Lee Syatt]

How do you do if you're, like, you know, doing research on something like this? You can't Google, like, the mobsters. Like, do you interview people? Like, how do you research this?

[TJ English]

That was a tough one. That's a good question. Because the different books I've done have different research requirements, and this one was tough because it was ancient history, and there was no one left, no sources, nobody to talk to. A lot of my books, like this recent one, it's all interviews, firsthand accounts. But this was like, everyone's dead and gone. So how do you. How do you recreate that? The first thing I had to go, I had to read the. The memoirs and biographies of all those musicians. And I had to find little references in those biographies to the gangster element and stuff. It was there. Usually it was like a chapter, maybe in someone's thing. And so I had to coalesce all that knowledge about that, and then I had to find a story to tell. And. And I found the story to tell by focusing on two main guys. The first half of the book is Louis Armstrong and the gangsters, and the second half of the book is Sinatra in the Gangsters. And so telling those two stories, you get, like, the whole history of that relationship.

[Lee Syatt]

And how do you. If you're doing research like that, how do you know what to trust based off of, like, what you find? Like. Like just one memoir. Like, do you have to see it mentioned in a couple.

[TJ English]

You gotta. You gotta cross check it. You gotta verify it.

[Lee Syatt]

Usually it's when I was.

[TJ English]

But then there's a thing called folk history where you make it clear that, all right, this hasn't been vetted, but this is what the. The story was.

[Lee Syatt]

Right?

[TJ English]

You know, and after a while, the story becomes real history. You know, It's. It's what has longevity. Like, a good story lasts forever. You know what I mean? You can tell stories about Sinatra. Nobody cares if they're true or not. They're good stories.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, he always had Good stories.

[TJ English]

Just that it was. And when I was doing the Westies, I remember I would hear the most outlandish stories about the Westies. But I knew the stuff that they had done was. That was verified that you could prove there was proof, witnesses, that kind of thing. And that shit was outrageous. So anything I heard that someone would say that they did, I'd have to think, well, it could be true. Like, I heard some wild about them with a head rolling it down the counter in a bar. Some guy's head they had cut off. I couldn't. I couldn't verify that to be true, but they did other. That was equally as wild. They did cut off hands and put them in the freezer with the idea that they were gonna save the fingerprints to plant.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes.

[Lee Syatt]

When Joey told me that you were coming on, the thing that I was thinking about is like, you have, like, one of the few professions, and I'm sure it's changed, but like, you're writing books the same way. Like a lot of. Like 100 years ago, people were writing books. Like, it's kind of. There's not many things left. Like writing a book.

[TJ English]

Yeah, you know, it's. It's an ancient art. It freaks me out sometimes when I think about it. When I'm writing a book and I'm lost in the middle of it and, you know, I got a stack of pages, but still I got another stack to get to the end of it. And it's fucking. It's intimidating. And I'm always thinking, nobody's going to want to read this fucking book. Nobody reads books anymore. They said this is like prehistoric. This is so ancient. This is the voice I'm hearing in my head. Right. You stupid motherfucker. This is the 21st century. Just what you were saying. This is like primitive people open a book of written pages on a. On a piece of paper, and that can hold their attention for sometimes hours at a time. That's. That's like real primitive storytelling, if you can. If you can pull that off.

[Lee Syatt]

But it can.

[TJ English]

And. But now we're in an era where that's a dying. I think that's a dying art, people being able to do that. Nobody has the attention spans anymore, so.

[Joey Diaz]

Write it or to tell it or.

[TJ English]

Both or to read it.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, there's still people or legit, you know, that they don't mind. Listen, the thing I miss about the most is not flying as much because that was the only place I could read on a plane.

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

With peace. It's the best Whether it's four hours, two hours, it was at peace. Ever since I stopped traveling. I read books when I was in the hospital. As a matter of fact, I read the Corporation again when I was in the hospital last time. And I got a question for you because I laughed for two hours when you said that. Because every time you read a book, people always go, why would I read that book? I read it already, you stupid motherfucker. You're gonna catch. You didn't read.

[TJ English]

That's true.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, I'll read a book once a year. If I really like a book, I'll read it once a year. Cujo Corporation, fucking Havana, Nocturne. There's another one I read every fucking year. The one about, you know, the art of war. The war of art. The one Frank Pressfield, whatever. I read that every January just to keep my mind fresh. But you fucking dropped a line in there that I fucking died in the hospital. You said something about that they call people from Oriente, the Palestinians.

[TJ English]

Oh, Palestinos.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God.

[TJ English]

They still do that.

[Joey Diaz]

Because they're men without land.

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, my God. And the only. That's a Cuban sense of humor. That's a very human sense of humor.

[Lee Syatt]

He called me up when he read. Was great.

[Joey Diaz]

Dying. Dying.

[TJ English]

Yeah. You have no land here.

[Joey Diaz]

You have no land.

[TJ English]

Yeah, that's.

[Lee Syatt]

And how do you. Because, like, what I was trying to relate it to was I'm at the very beginning of stand up, and I have to not only write jokes, but weave them together. And like, putting it here versus here matters.

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

Like, with a story like yours isn't even a novel. It's. It's like actual things that happened. Weaving that together into a story must be completely different. And like. Like, it's just like, oh, it's a big task.

[TJ English]

Yeah. But that's the creative part. That's where the art artistry comes in. You know, where you take all that. A lot of people can gather the material, but not everybody can tell that story in a way that really grabs a reader or a viewer or whatever. I think about what you guys do as writers a lot because you're right, it's a much different form, but you're kind of doing the same thing. You're structuring a set right where you want it to tell a story.

[Joey Diaz]

Get callbacks. You want to have pauses, and it takes time because you have to do it on the drawing board and also on stage. Yeah, See, that's the difference. Like, I would love to write a book where you could. What do you call that shit? Talk it to people?

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

What's that called?

[Lee Syatt]

Workshop it or.

[Joey Diaz]

Workshop it? Yeah, you know, a chapter every week for people. You get like six chapters ahead of you and then you just do it once a week. That would help me a lot if I did that, you know, because I know how to test it on the battlefield.

[TJ English]

Yeah, but also you clearly. Here's another thing. You clearly have the storytelling skills, right? Storytelling skills?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. You learn that.

[TJ English]

That's the. You might have to be born with that to an extent. Right. The storytelling skills. I think of it as coming from the ancestors, you know, like it comes from somewhere. You inherited that.

[Joey Diaz]

Really?

[TJ English]

Yeah. George Carlin used to say, you don't lick it off a rock. You got it from somewhere, you know, you got it from your ancestors.

[Joey Diaz]

That's crazy.

[TJ English]

So the storytelling. Yeah. And then you fine tuned it with your. The life that you live.

[Joey Diaz]

You find it's very. I have to. I have a storyteller show on Sunday, and I was banging my head on the story. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? And all of a sudden, this morning, I'm eating breakfast and a complete different story came in that's going to weave and it's perfect now. I could tell the story about the wind getting caught in a pussy and all that. Because now it's going to work. Now it's going to work.

[TJ English]

Yeah. Click. Everything fit.

[Joey Diaz]

It took three months of thinking and I was going somewhere else the whole time. And then this morning it hit me from a different perspective. And I was just talking to the girl I wrote the book with, and she was telling me that she'd been going to her father's house to write because she has author's block at her house. And I was like, I've been going through the same fucking thing. And when I go to Starbucks, I can't write shit either. That's fucking terrible energy in Starbucks. Nobody could write in there. What are you gonna write in there about? Lattes and shit? So I started writing in the garage. Oh, yeah. Last night I just went in the garage because I got a little freezer in there. I put my pad on there and the computer and I was. And this morning, I think, in your.

[TJ English]

Sleep, you're gonna have to set up a little table out there, a little desk, you know?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[Lee Syatt]

But even like, I would have. I was just thinking, like, you might. You might like that. There's no desk. Like, are you walking around and like doing stuff as you're writing?

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, I just sat in the garage. I put the Bluetooth on, okay? And I fucking sat there for 30 minutes. I made great notes, and I wasn't even going there. Like I said to you, I wasn't going there this morning. Something came in, and I go, if I add it to that, it'll be the fucking perfect fucking story.

[TJ English]

So, you know, I often have to remind myself. So, you know, when you have a writing task, you do anything to avoid it. You know, you do all kinds of. To avoid it. And so I'll go for long walks along the river and. And. And I'll be hard on myself because, like, you should be writing right now. But no, those walks along the river are really valuable, very valuable in terms of thinking time. You know, that's part of the process. So you have to do that periodically.

[Joey Diaz]

My whole thing is, I like the warmer weather because I could write and then take a note and then smoke a joint and then put earphones on and go for a walk. You leave that alone. You just go for a walk on that. And sometimes when you come back, you might have the answer or you might not, or you might get the answer to something else. Okay? And that's always been a fucking thing I love also. So, yeah, writing is. I wish I would have gone to college for it. I wish I would have put more effort into it in my standup career early on, because I just would have built better habits. You know, when you do stand up, it's like writing. Yeah, you just put out a book, but you're writing, motherfucker. That book just came out. But you've been writing lately because, you know, you can't just shut it down for a year and wait and fan your pussy, and then it'll come to me. You got to keep writing that muscle, even if it's just what your day is going to be about.

[Lee Syatt]

Or is that true?

[Joey Diaz]

They went, yeah, it's a muscle.

[Lee Syatt]

That makes sense.

[TJ English]

What if you want to. What if you want to fan your pussy, though?

[Joey Diaz]

If you want to fan your pussy, then you fan your pussy. It's your pussy. You can do whatever you want.

[Lee Syatt]

It's like, Joe, because you. Like, that was. You said something before the podcast, like, little commitments become big commitments. You said that the entire time I've known you. But you've been writing. You wrote it. You were writing that book when I first met you, you were writing it. And it, like, how many times did it change? Did it change 20 times the other day?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I was like, I wouldn't even let what TJ happens To him, where he writes it all, and then he beats himself up. I would beat myself up from the beginning, like, nobody wants to read. I found my mother on the floor. Nobody wants to read. And I robbed the jewelry store. Nobody wants to hear about you raising your fucking stupid kid. Nobody wants to hear anything. That's what I was going through in my mind.

[TJ English]

Talk yourself out of it.

[Joey Diaz]

But it's really weird. You write 10 stories, and what you're looking for is a connector. You need that touch throughout, and that's. I can tell you stories for hours, connecting them. That takes time.

[TJ English]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We call that the narrative.

[Joey Diaz]

That takes time.

[TJ English]

The narrative, you know, that holds it all together.

[Joey Diaz]

That takes time.

[TJ English]

And that's when it sings, baby. That's when you know you have something that's real, you know, that reaches. That does still reach people. Even though books maybe are not popular in that way anymore. But to people who read books, it can have a real impact.

[Joey Diaz]

How do you think I like to read? Like I'm a nerd. I have lack of. I have not great comprehension. So when I read a book, it took me 20 years to figure this out. I have to read a book with a marker. I have to learn how to read. I can't go three chapters because I'm gonna have to wake up in the morning and read those three chapters again. So I go two, and I pace myself. Then I'll read parts of it again, and then I'll start on the next chapter. But it took me 20 years to learn how to read.

[TJ English]

So what's the marker for?

[Joey Diaz]

To retain the. The good stuff from the book.

[TJ English]

Oh, you. You underline things. Yeah, yeah, I do that too.

[Joey Diaz]

Why not? Why fucking?

[TJ English]

I write in the margins. I do that.

[Joey Diaz]

I get into it. You know, everybody says, I like to smoke pot and go for a midnight walk. Go fuck yourself. I like smoking pot, getting a light and maybe a pot of coffee and just sitting there and roll another joint so you could smoke it with the coffee as you read your book.

[TJ English]

Oh, you get high and read, huh? Yeah, I can't really do that. I don't retain it if I do that.

[Lee Syatt]

That might be the retention problem.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, well, if you get too high, you start reading, and then stories from your life come in, start going into your head. This reminds me of the time Philadelphia.

[TJ English]

Because your imagination is inflamed while you're reading it, right? It's extra sensory and you're picking up a lot of other shit.

[Joey Diaz]

But at the same time, I want to feel the book. I Want to cry. I want to feel hurt. When the. When the writer gets hurt, I want to feel like I like reading and crying. Like. Let me give you an example. The other night, I was switching through the fucking channels and the last 30 minutes of Carrie was on one of the greatest 30 minutes of television and movie history. In fact, Travolta. That's how they got you to go see that movie was. Travolta was in the movie. But he don't come out to the end when he gets killed.

[TJ English]

He was kind of a nobody at that point.

[Joey Diaz]

No, he was. It had been like maybe six episodes of welcome Back Cotton.

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And the girls liked them. So that's why you went to see that movie.

[TJ English]

They must have been disappointed because he's hardly in it.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, he's what?

[TJ English]

He's hardly in it.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. He gets killed at the end.

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

But it's so weird. I was watching the last half hour in that movie and I remember reading that book and not even knowing who the author was. Not even giving a fuck who the author was. And then years later, I got out in writing and he tells the story of how his wife threw that away. About. What was he thinking about? People move things with their mind.

[TJ English]

Yeah. Telekinesis.

[Joey Diaz]

Yes.

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And his wife threw it away and when he got home, she gave it back to him and said, finish this. And that became fucking Carrie. And I'm thinking about how the fuck he wrote that. Like, even with you, with the corporation of Van Denoch turn the Westies, I like reading a book and then for like a day or two going, how the fuck this motherfucker write that? That's how much.

[TJ English]

That's a nice. Taking a book for a writer. That's. That's a great compliment.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[TJ English]

Because you want to think in your act what you do. You want to think. I just want to dazzle these motherfuckers. I want to like, make them have to go, fuck. How did he do that? And I know you must get that feeling in your stand up, right?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

When you're flow. Yeah. You're flowing and you're seeing them and then you start laughing. That's the money. That's the money that nobody could pay you enough for when you start laughing. That's why I was having a hard time writing jokes and not smoking pot because I like to get blitzed when I write. So if I'm giggling, motherfucker, that joke's getting written down. As dirty or as nasty as it could be. I'm writing that bitch Down.

[TJ English]

So as you're writing shit down and you start to call your way through it, how much of it do you keep? How much of it is good and how much of it is just.

[Joey Diaz]

Let's go 50%.

[TJ English]

Oh, that's good.

[Joey Diaz]

Damn, 50% is good. The other 50 is God awful. That's the danger about writing comedy when you get high, that you might wake up in the morning and find some shit that you're gonna go, dog, I gotta see a priest. This is not good.

[TJ English]

He's like, I gotta burn that.

[Joey Diaz]

And no, I'm lying to you. Now that we break it down, I retain 20%.

[Lee Syatt]

I was gonna say 50% is high.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I retain 20%, especially if I'm getting high. And I write a page first off, the first hour, I gotta figure out what I wrote. It's hieroglyphics. I'm so high. And I start writing Joey shorthand. Like, I start writing my own shorthand. I don't remember it the next day. You know, there's a ton of problems. Yeah, yeah. Tons of problems.

[TJ English]

You know what Carlin said about how he did it was he would write his stuff not. Not high at all. He would complete what he thought was an act, and then he would get high and punch it up.

[Joey Diaz]

Punch it up. Yeah.

[TJ English]

And that was the point where he would get high. And he said that was always really good value stuff that you were bringing in.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, it's funny because I do that with acting auditions. If you send me an acting audition, I read it, I read it, I read it, I read it, I read it. Then I get hot. Then I read it, I read it, I read it. And then I start making notes. What goes here, where I'm taking a pause, where I'm gonna take a drink of water, where I'm gonna scratch my ass, everything. If I'm gonna improvise, I'll put something there. That's when that works.

[TJ English]

Weed is very valuable for your creative process.

[Joey Diaz]

Then it's gotta be great weed. Like, I wanna drool. I wanna fucking drool like a monkey. I wanna drool. Be left the fuck alone. A little bit of music. Not too loud. Schnapple, iced tea. Lemon, no sweetener in it. That shit. I could go for hours. Two hours writing and no computers. Yeah, I use computers for research. Everything is written by my hand.

[TJ English]

Well, you're describing the process of being a writer and how isolated and alone that is.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm an only child.

[TJ English]

And you tune the whole world out and you create your own little world that you're working on in your writing?

[Joey Diaz]

Absolutely. I don't even like when my fucking wife comes down. Cause you're writing something good and all of a sudden she'll come down. Are you hungry yet? Listen, I look fucking hungry to you, but I don't want to shut the door because that's an insult. So I can't. So I gotta wait till they leave for me to do anything.

[TJ English]

You're maintaining your sanity down there.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[TJ English]

That's what you're doing.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I'm an only child. I'm heady. I've always been heady. I love smoking dope and just dissipating.

[TJ English]

Right.

[Joey Diaz]

Listen, when I was 18, everybody was going Hawaii and this. My goal was to get a million dollars and move to an island by myself and smoke dope and eat chicken cutlets and drink cranberry juice. That's happiness for me. Sounds good. Nobody bothering me, nobody talking to me.

[TJ English]

That's not bad. How old were you when you came up with that?

[Joey Diaz]

18, 19. I'm like, if it was up to me, that's pretty cool. At that age. I wanted to move to Cartagena and buy a big rock soap.

[TJ English]

That's very clear headed for a 19 year old. Right. Don't you think?

[Joey Diaz]

I knew all those things. I also knew at 14 that I was not going to work days. I loved people who had days off. They had more freedom in their lives. They were out on the corner when it was hot, getting a hot dog and then they went to work at night when it didn't really fucking matter. That's a complete different discipline. Because I didn't like going out either. I could care less about going to a club or being in vip. So if you could pay me at night and I could have my days to myself, no drama. Because when you're walking in the house, everybody's leaving for work. You go in there, make a cheese omelet, put on fucking Popeye and sit there and nobody's going to come in and break your fucking balls. Everybody's at work.

[TJ English]

You're living the dream, baby.

[Joey Diaz]

No, but I've always loved that.

[TJ English]

That's what I mean. You had that dream and now you're living that dream.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, having a day job for me was always fucking brutal. And I would do it and then I'd go, what the fuck? I could steal something. I could sell an eight ball and make 75 bucks.

[TJ English]

You know, it's a grind I could see. I know guys like you, a lot of guys like you wind up in the Criminal life. Yeah, because they can't take the grind of having to do a 9 to 5.

[Joey Diaz]

I gotta work 1250. I'm working 12 fucking 10 hours a day. I'm gonna make a buck 25 a day. I can make that. Fucking breaking into a room. I know a guy that's got that on it in his pocket right fucking now. And that's what would happen. I'd go, you know what? It's time I become a human being. And I take these jobs in Colorado. And I'd be drilling fucking beams, getting bit by mosquito bites. And I felt like once the check came, and I'm like, $300. Yeah, I got bit. I had to fucking eat a salami sandwich.

[TJ English]

You'd see all the deductions from the check.

[Joey Diaz]

I'm like, I'm not doing this. I'm not doing it. It's not worth it to me no more. It's not worth it to me. So I went without for years just to prove my point. I'm not working days. I would work days enough to get money, and then I quit. And then I'd fucking figure out when I lived in Boulder, my rent was due. And every day before my rent was due, I did not know how I was getting that $400, and I didn't care. And I'll tell you all the times I got that $400 and you would die. Like I remember it, I would just go to Kmart and wait for people to drop receipts, and I would pick them up in the wind, and they'd spend 300 hours. I just go in there and took everything they take and return it without even walking out the store. Wouldn't even walk out the fucking store. I remember one time I needed to rent, and a guy dropped a receipt with 500 bucks for a lawnmower. And I went in to go to steal it, and they didn't have it in Boulder. So I got in the car and I went to Kmart in Longline. They had one left. I actually walked in there, put the receipt on it, walked up to the guy. He's like, what's going on? I go, I just got this. I don't want it. I didn't even buy it at that store. He took the receipt.

[Lee Syatt]

He didn't buy it at any store.

[TJ English]

So how old were you at this time you're doing this?

[Joey Diaz]

20. This is out of prison. Out of prison, knowing that I could go back to jail anytime. Oh, and then I did get caught one day, and I gave him a fake name and they take me to Boulder and I'll never forget. I walk in Boulder and all the cops know me. Joey, what's going on? Joey, how you doing? You're back. We told you you'd be back. But I used a different name. When they arrested me, they got the card out. They fingerprinted me. I still remember that cop saying, did.

[TJ English]

You have fake id?

[Joey Diaz]

No. He's calling me Joey. And the card says, james, something else. And he's pressing and I'm like, I hope he doesn't look at that fucking card. I was in there 36 days already. 30 days over the holiday. They knew who I was. They fingerprint me going, joey, how you doing? I'm like, oh, if this motherfucker looks at this fingerprint card and he sees this name, he's gonna shit his pants. And I got away with it.

[TJ English]

Whoa.

[Joey Diaz]

And then when I went to court, they pulled me aside and they go, we know who you are. And I did the. I went back to court under that name. I did the probation under that name. And I had to do community service. And I did it just to fucking.

[TJ English]

Nobody ever asked to see an id.

[Joey Diaz]

Not one. And at the community service, I became friends with a cop. I picked the HIV building and I would paint it and take the garbage out the HIV building. And after the job was over, about a year later, I smacked my ex wife's boyfriend. The cop that came to arrest me was the cop from the HIV thing. He wouldn't arrest me. He's like, I'll give him a ticket. And he gave the other guy a ticket for calling me a racial slur. So every story fits. You see what I'm saying?

[TJ English]

In my life, you got a little angel over your shoulder, man.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. How fucking crazy was it?

[TJ English]

You got an angel and you got a devil.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, I got a big devil. My angel's got a big dick. My angel's got a big dick. And he's Cuban. You know how those Cuban angels are. They ain't around, motherfucker.

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

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[TJ English]

There's a little bit of New Jersey in that book, but it's mostly Miami boys. Cubans in Miami.

[Joey Diaz]

What's the guy's name?

[TJ English]

The two brothers, Willie Falcone, and his brother's name was Gustavo Tavi, but his partner was Salma Gluta. So Willie and Sal, they were kind of legendary figures in Miami starting in early 80s, all through the 80s, really, till they got busted and they created a gang called Los Muchachos. And Los Muchachos were the biggest by far, importers and distributors of kilos in the US So they created a distribution network based in Miami that was shipping it eventually to LA and San Francisco and Chicago and New York, everywhere. And they, they only dealt at the high level. Like in these different cities, they had maybe like eight customers, but there were eight customers that were buying bulk. And so they were operating at that level. And interestingly enough, there wasn't a lot of violence in this story at that level of the cocaine business. I really learned some shit researching this because, you know, we were all, we're all primed to believe that the cocaine universe is just bloodshed from top to bottom and, you know, Uzis and, and chainsaws like Scarface. So I just assumed that there was going to be nothing but violence in any cocaine story that you tell. But this story, there wasn't a lot of violence the way they were doing it, they were Cuban exiles. They were tight. They were that first generation of exiles whose parents had been humiliated and had to leave. And these kids were like 10 or 11. And they grew up watching their parents suffer, in a sense. And they were driven by this desire to make it, to make it by hook or by crook. And the cocaine thing just kind of fell in their lap. I go into it in the book. It was actually connected to the anti Castro movement and the CIA, and they were bringing kilos to United States to sell and use that money to buy arms and explosives for the Contras in Central America. So it was all wrapped up in that political politics of it from, from the get go. And so that's how Willie and Sal first got into it. They'd started doing it to raise money for the anti Castro movement. And then the anti Castle women got busted, led to the Iran Contra hearings. It was a big political scandal. So that shut down. But by then, Willie and Sal had created a system, and they were like, well, let's just keep doing it and keep all the money for us. And that's when they became the Los Muchachas. And they just, they created this very complex apparatus of bringing. They'd go right to the source. They'd meet with Escobar. They were. They were dealing with both the Colombians, I mean, sorry, with the people from Medellin and the Cali people. They were double dipping. The two. Didn't. Those two cartels didn't know. Willie and Sal didn't let it be known to. If you're following me like, Medellin didn't know they were dealing with Cali, and Cali didn't know they were dealing with Medellin because neither side probably would have approved of it. But they were doing it and they, they did it at a very high level. And they came up with a system to bring the kilos into the US and they did that in all kinds of ingenious ways. They had their own pilots and planes, but they also had boats. They wound up being championship power boat race. Yeah, I mean, they own the powerboat racing business. They owned a company that built the engines. A great way to launder. A great way to launder money, by the way. The company that built the engines, the company that built the, the boats, they were designing the boat, designing them. And, and, and then they got to race them, and they were going into races, borgatas all over the world, you know.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, they had a warrant on them.

[TJ English]

Yeah, well, they had a warrant on them. Eventually, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, I watched this. There was a series of them.

[TJ English]

Yes, there was. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

A month ago or something, I called you. I go, I'm watching these two fucking.

[TJ English]

Yeah, that's Willie and Sal. So I was able to do this book because Willie Falcone's family reached out to me. He did 27, 28 years, something like that. And as he was getting to the end of that, that bit, his daughter contacted me. It was like, you know, he knows your work. He'd read the Westies. He'd read Havana Nocturne, and Corporation was just coming out at that time. So he got it in his head that I was the guy to do his book, and he had his daughter reach out to me. And I didn't know enough about him to know whether I would want to do it or not. I think I said no. When it first came up, I said, I can't really answer that because I would have to at least meet, have a chance to talk to him, you know. So we tried to. I tried to get into prison to see him, and prison shut it down. They wouldn't let me in. So I had to wait till he got out, which was a couple years later. And then when he got out, they deported him from the United States because he'd never bothered getting U.S. citizenship. He was a Cuban. He came over that. He was. He came over that time when Cubans were being given a kind of special right, legal status, you know, so you never even bothered to become a citizen. So they deported his ass. And so now I'm getting to know him a little bit because we're. We're doing zoom conference calls. So I'm getting a feel for him. And he gets supported to the Doctor, and then the Doctor finds out. One of the Doctor politicians finds out he's there and starts accusing another politician of letting a big narco in the country. So they kick him out of there, out of the Doctor. He's got to go, hat in hand, find another country. I can't tell you the country where he's in, although it'd be, I think, real easy to guess. So I had to go there to interview him face to face. And it was right in the middle of COVID and it was a pain in the ass. Get in a plane. I'll say. I'll say South America. I'll general, you know, narrow it down. And I kept missing flights because I didn't have the proper test. COVID test before the plane. It was a nightmare getting there. But I got there and I met this guy. And for like three days, we just did interviews all day long. We'd start pretty early, like 9am and we'd go to lunch, have some food, and then come back and do another three hours or so. And we did that for like three days. Him just telling me his, his life story. And I had it, man. I can remember coming back thinking, wow, I've never had this kind of access with a. With a source. They tell me their whole life story and everyone want. Willie Falcone hadn't talked to anybody, so everyone wanted to know his story. He was like a mystery man, very charismatic. And I got that motherfucker story and was able to tell that story. And it was, it was a. You know, I know he's a criminal, he's a bad guy, and he certainly paid for it and everything. But it was, it was kind of an honor to tell his story. He was, he. He's a guy with a certain code, honor. He's a criminal. You know, the certain criminals to me are almost like royalty in a sense, criminal royalty, because they have that sense of honor about what they do. Especially guys who put crews together, you know, and do robberies. I have a friend who is an incredible source up in Boston. Irish American gangster named Pat Nee. He was kind of a rival and later a partner of Whitey Bulgers. He started out as a thief, you know, breaking into warehouses and shit. And as he started to advance up from that, he started doing armored car robberies. And I've had late night conversations with him many times over, over some Irish whiskey or whatever. And he's telling me what he, what he, what he knows about his life as a thief, and he would put together crews and I, and I had said to him, you know, one of the things about putting together a robbery crew to do something like that, to me, I was like, how do you con? How do you do quality control? How do you know you. These got to be people you really trust. Your, your crew that you're gonna do a armored car robbery with, it's gotta be people you have total faith in and you totally trust. And so you want to know, none of these guys are going to break and snitch. We're in this to the end, you know? And I'd say, yeah, but how can you guarantee that? And he said, you can't guarantee it. He said, but you always wanted to try to make sure because otherwise you were going to have to take care of that person. There's a weak link. You were, you were going to have to address the Weak. So that person would get wind up getting killed. That person in the crew. That's just the nature of putting together a criminal crew like that. And they did. They did. He'd tell me these stories of how they do warehouse robberies where they. They'd pull up a big truck like two in the morning at a warehouse. This is back like in the 60s, 70s. And they'd actually pull the open truck butt up against the wall. And then they'd get hammers and, and, and. And just break the wall down. Just take out a big section of the wall. And then they, they. They go in there like. Like mice. And they just start looking for what was the valuable shit. You know, the most valuable shit, he said, long term is canned goods and stuff. Anyway, they'd go in there, they'd flee the place. And then he said, you know what their signature was after they did one of these robberies and they wanted people to know it was their crew. They find a desk of who they thought was the most important person in there and they'd open the bottom drawer and they would in it.

[Lee Syatt]

And that was supposed to be like.

[TJ English]

That was their joke.

[Joey Diaz]

That was that.

[TJ English]

That was their signature.

[Joey Diaz]

That was that car.

[Lee Syatt]

That's like the worst signature. That was.

[TJ English]

We were here.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, you talk about criminals.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh my God.

[Joey Diaz]

The American public has been. We love criminals and we love their stories. And you know, I mean, look at all the criminal movies we have from the 30s. Scarface.

[TJ English]

Yeah, I still love them. I still love them.

[Joey Diaz]

I love all of them.

[TJ English]

Those Jimmy Cagney movies.

[Joey Diaz]

Fuck it, he's crazy. What are you talking to him for? All that shit. But you know, it's a market that'll never fucking end. Like, look at this poor De Niro movie, Alto Knights. It died a death of. And I don't think it was a bad movie. Yeah, I don't think it was.

[TJ English]

Did you see it?

[Joey Diaz]

No, I don't. I didn't have a chance to put it. They yanked it last week.

[TJ English]

Yeah, no, they killed it before it was even out of the gate.

[Joey Diaz]

And you know. Yeah, people like. Well, Trump and Listen, we've been the movie business shot because we've been taken to repetitive. I went to the movies every Friday, just like you did growing up, tj Every Saturday we went to the fucking movies. Yeah, you either went to what came out or two for $3.

[TJ English]

Clifford Drive inside.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, drive ins in Clifton. Whatever. We've taken that out. But at the same time, the mobster shit, Italian wise, it's done now. Mobland the English. Cause like I tell you, there's gangsters and there's people who are dangerous. But then there's Helen Mirren. God damn, that bitch is fucking good in everything she does. Did you see her last night? She had the fucking red. Her toenails are painted, her hands.

[TJ English]

I have a theory, man. Every Latino male I know has a thing for her.

[Joey Diaz]

Really?

[TJ English]

I don't think Latinos have a thing for him.

[Joey Diaz]

I don't wanna fuck her or nothing like that.

[TJ English]

Well, you ever see her when she was in her pride?

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, she was a piece ass. Yeah. But now she's old and she don't give a fuck.

[TJ English]

She's still kind of sexy.

[Joey Diaz]

She's still very sexy. She had boots on last week and a mini skirt and a leopard shirt on. She's fucking 75 years old with a leopard shirt on. Unfucking real. But beside that, that's. We've. We're infatuated with all those stories. If you go on Netflix, how many fucking Escobar movies are there on fucking Netflix? Jesus Christ, Netflix. Buy a different.

[TJ English]

No, it's funny.

[Joey Diaz]

Paradise Remains. And they're all gone off.

[TJ English]

They're like seven or eight of them.

[Joey Diaz]

And they're all God awful. Pretty much the only one good is narcos.

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And that even lost its fucking thing after a while. Every time you go on there, the narco, now it's Aaron, fucking Aaron, the guy who. Aaron Hernandez. How many movies are you gonna give me? Oh, Hernandez, Yeah, he got punched in the head and he fucking shot eight people. What do you want from me? That's what happens, you know, it's like Bryce Mitchell. Did you watch that fight the other night? He got knocked out Again, listen, I always say, Christianity and punches to the head, they just don't mix. Jesus got punched in the head and he left three days later. He's like, I don't need this shit. It don't work. But it's funny how you know, this cocaine thing. Like, listen, I was very. I love all this shit. I love all these books, you know, I love all this stuff because I grew up in it. I saw it. I saw it. I saw point A and I saw point B. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw everybody spending $2 for a hit of acid. And two years later, everybody was spending $50 for a half gram of coke. That's a big fucking upswing. Yeah, people were spending nickelbacks. It was $5 for three joints and a little manila envelope all over the city. And now the needle just moved to 50 fucking bucks for half a gram. You know, I was telling somebody, I remember living here up to 83, and we would go out and buy a half a gram between three of us. When it ended, you went home. You went home. When I came back 18 months later, people were leaving on Fridays and coming home on Sunday or Monday morning, like it had just blown up. Yeah, I saw what happened with weed in California. What happened here with coke.

[TJ English]

Well, you're Cuban, so you were in the main vein of the. Of the Cuban culture, the selling of it, the using of it. You know, you had that Cuban connection. That cocaine was like. These guys who I was talking to were in Los Muchachos, and I interviewed a bunch of other ones, other than just Willie. They were from that generation. Cuban exiles, Miami. And they just hit the cocaine business and they. They just took over that. They turned Little Havana into, like, where all their safe houses were, where you could stash it. Nobody was going to talk about it, and you could. You could get away. The whole culture became part of the cocaine business to an extent. So you were in the middle of it.

[Joey Diaz]

So I made saint. I did Obatala in 1969. And there was a gay sontero that used to hang out there. He would always break people's balls. And one night, he said something to me, and I said something to him. I said, ojalaca de muayra. In my house, you can't say ohala. That means I hope. Yeah, I said something like, I hope you fucking die, motherfucker. And they came and grabbed me by my head. My mom, and she's like, you can't say that. About three weeks later, this motherfucker died. All right?

[TJ English]

The gay santero died.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, he died from something. And I'll never forget. We had to go up there with my godmother. My godmother took me up there. I'll never forget the story. We're on the streets, and when a Santeria person dies, they can't bring him home. You have to do a thing there. While the cops are standing there, they have to do a fucking thing. They cannot be brought to the funeral parlor. You gotta take the saint out of their head. So while they were taking the saint out of their head, I remember my godmother going, this is gonna be tough. She was talking to my mother and another lady in the car. The guy had a kilo under his bed while they were doing the fucking thing. And somebody had to go up there and sneak out with the kilo from under the bed. I still remember being a Kid again.

[TJ English]

See, I told you that.

[Joey Diaz]

What the fuck are they talking. Let's say it was 1971. And I still remember being a kid and telling my mom, ma, clean your fucking nose. Like I was a fucking kid, guys. Eight, nine, and going, clean your fucking nose, please. My friends are here, you know.

[Lee Syatt]

Do you think it's, like, as prevalent as weed is now?

[Joey Diaz]

What's that?

[Lee Syatt]

Coke. When your mom was doing.

[Joey Diaz]

Not when I was 8, 9, 10. Like, I knew that my mother's bar people did it, and I knew that they did stupid shit with it. They weren't smoking or anything like that. They would just. I still remember getting up in the mornings, like in 8th grade, 7th grade, and going to school, and they'd be in my living room with a huge aluminum foil open. And they wouldn't grind the coke. In those days, there was no grinding it. You just put the rocks in your house.

[TJ English]

Oh, shit.

[Joey Diaz]

And they would just sit there and I'd go to school and eat my Cheerios while they're snorting coke. And they all felt guilty, so they would all give me money. Hey, what are you going to have for lunch? Here's 50 bucks. I would leave for like $200 every time they were over snorting coke. And my mother used to tell them, don't give them cash. And I go, nah, nah, nah, come back tomorrow. You can do any whatever you want in my fucking house.

[TJ English]

No. Doing coke that way is what burns a hole in your nose.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, they didn't know. It was 1974, 1975. And then there was a guy that used to come to my house that in the mornings I would hear my mother and stepfather and everybody else talking about him. They had to throw him out all the time because he used to get paranoid. His name was Munieko. He had an eye that when he did coke, it staggered and shit, right? So when I was a kid, I liked him a lot. Munieko, he had two sons. I liked him a lot when I was a kid. And something happened at the bar. I did something. I stuck up for him. And he called my mother. He goes, tell Coco I'm going to take him to Macy's tonight with his son. I was still living on 88th street, so I had to be under 10. And I'll never forget that. He came over and he took me to Macy's. And he goes, buy whatever you want. And I bought like, the Hot Wheel carry Case and like the Mongoose. Remember that one thing?

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And I brought it home when we got walked in the door, he looked at my mother. My mother goes, is that all he got? And he goes, that's all he wanted. And my mother looked at me and he goes. And the guy took a fucking six inches of cash out. He goes, I brought this. He didn't want to spend any of it. When I saw that, I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's go back. I want to get some skis, because I just saw the James Bond movie on skis and shit. I spent like $21. The guy had, like 10,000 to spend on me because I said something and covered for his wife, like somebody was gonna get in trouble. But I said I hadn't seen him. And they were like, he's smart. He's a good boy. He didn't lie. He fucking stuck up for us. So then my mother dies. I don't see this guy. But he was tight before my mother died. They killed his son. He was doing heroin with somebody up in. Just around here somewhere up in Fort Lee. Up, up. They had money. A white girl. And after my mother died, I'm meeting on 43rd and Bergen, and some guy comes in. He goes, aren't you friends with Munyko? I'm like, yeah, where is he now? Like, he wants you to call him. I've been looking for months for you. He's in Florida. So I call him. He sends me a plane ticket. I go down, like two days later. First night, he's all coked up. He's like, I sent for you because I want your Italian friends to kill that family. Because he knew that I lived at the Bolzano's and that he shot a guy eight times in the back. He goes, see if you go over there and fucking have him killed. And I'm like, let's do some coke, right? I'm sitting. So he brings me back to his house. Got a wife and 2. The one kid died, and the other kid way older than me. I got to be 18, 19. And this guy comes in the room. You ready for this? He would do coke. Like, he would disappear and then come back with white underwear, a white T shirt, V neck, a Chinese T shirt with the things with the gold chain with chancletas and his feet out. But he would get a big margarine tub. It's unheard of. He'd get the biggest margarine tub.

[TJ English]

Is this the gay santero still?

[Joey Diaz]

No, no, no. The gay santero is dead and buried. This is like an uncle to me. He would get. Fill it with water and then put A dish in. So the dish would float in the water and then he would put coke on it. So if the cops came, he would just dump the coke in the water. I mean, that's a complete different set of paranoia. He had bars on his window already, the whole fucking thing. So now we're doing coke. I'm sneaking little coke lines. And he's. And he's just rattling off and his eye is looking all over the place. But he would carry the.22 or the.32 in his waistband. And do you know, at 5 in the morning, dog, he goes outside to look out the window and the gun slips and he shoots himself in the fucking foot. And his wife comes running in. The son, he's on the floor and they're like. I'm like, call the ambulance. Call. He's like, don't call nobody. And his wife go, he shot himself last month, too. And I looked at his feet. He had, like three little bullet holes in his fucking feet. Every time the gun fell, he'd go off and shoot himself in the fucking.

[Lee Syatt]

Jesus.

[Joey Diaz]

Like, that was 84. And by that time, the cat was out of the bag. But all these stories that we're reading about now, that's a good one.

[TJ English]

Have you ever told that story before?

[Joey Diaz]

I think so. I think so. I think fucking so. That was a wild night with that mother. It was a Monday morning and the music at the time was Chaka Khan and Give Me a Higher Love. It was August or September of 84. That song.

[TJ English]

Yeah. Yeah. Those songs really place it in time, right?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. Chaka Khan, I Feel for you.

[TJ English]

That's that one, I think.

[Joey Diaz]

What song?

[TJ English]

I Feel for your. That was. That song.

[Joey Diaz]

That's a good one. That's a good one. Yeah.

[TJ English]

She still looks good, man. I'm on her social media.

[Joey Diaz]

She looks really good. I was just listening to her the other day. The first I listened to Sweet Thing when she was still with Rufus. That motherfucker played that guitar because nobody plays a guitar like this.

[TJ English]

She was a cutie back then.

[Joey Diaz]

He was what?

[TJ English]

She was a cutie.

[Joey Diaz]

She was hot.

[TJ English]

She was adorable.

[Joey Diaz]

I was 76. That was my son. I will love you anyway Even if.

[TJ English]

You cannot stay she had the big fro.

[Joey Diaz]

She was hot.

[TJ English]

Hot, yes, yes.

[Joey Diaz]

But all these books now and all these series, it's just like this drug thing. We were fucked. We were fucked as Americans. Like, they fucked us. And listen, I had a great time doing Coke for 28 years. I'm not gonna sit here and be Johnny Hypocrite, but We got fucked, you know, because you read about all these different organizations and stuff. Everything was great till about the 80 or 81. And then the government got involved. And that's when everything fucked up.

[TJ English]

That's the war on drugs.

[Joey Diaz]

It was no war on drugs. It was a silent war on drugs. We wanna make a piece of it, too. That's why they went and went down there and got Noriega.

[TJ English]

Right?

[Joey Diaz]

They never gave a fuck about Noriega. They were talking about the Panama Canal. They wanted what Noriega wanted. They wanted their 15% dog. Just the way it is. And that's what they always fucking do. That's what they always do. And that's when it blew out of proportion. And you know, you watch all these documentaries, Cocaine Cowboys, this and that, this and that. How many of these guys were there? I mean, think about how many of.

[TJ English]

These guys were there in the cocaine business?

[Joey Diaz]

Everybody got into the cocaine business after a while.

[TJ English]

Yeah, well, there were many layers to it.

[Joey Diaz]

There was layers and there were morons. Yeah, morons that were making a lot of money. Cause they used to rob those morons. They didn't know what they. They didn't know. I'm gonna tell you an interesting one. I got locked. Before I got locked up, there was a family called the Mark Leaves in Longmont, Colorado. This is 86. I got locked up in 87. By the time I got locked up, they were already in county waiting for sentencing. I didn't know the story. It was what I read. It was a father and son landscaping business. And one day they bought a fucking ounce of coke and started selling it. And the thing took off. The thing took off like they couldn't even. They didn't. And they were so stupid. They were rednecks. They didn't know how to launder the money, so they just kept buying landscape trucks. They had every fucking truck that you could buy. These people were making serious fucking money. And when they got busted, the cops busted them and sat there the whole night and sold coke just to double check the amount that they were fucking making on the weekends. Plus they were wholesaling kilos, the whole fucking thing. I get locked up and I meet the little markliest and we're talking one day and I'm like, what the fuck were you motherfucking rednecks doing up in long money, right, man? We started with an ounce and then we're picking up five kilos every other week. I mean, these guys got huge, but they were two idiots, the feds. You know how the Feds when Mark Lee, young Mark Lee, lived with his wife downstairs and she was pregnant. After they got arrested, they found out that the father knocked her up when they were doing coke together. They were rednecks, dog. They were white trash motherfuckers.

[Lee Syatt]

Wait, they were doing coke together?

[Joey Diaz]

The mother and the father? Okay, so the young Mark Lee, who was married that I was doing time with, they got divorced during sentencing and she went with the father. I mean, this is just cocaine shit, man. This is just. I heard all these fucking stories. And that's how they got him to plea bargain. That's how she ended up ratting on the both of them and fucking. Because he was fucking the both of them. Just crazy shit. There was a crazy time in America.

[TJ English]

When, when, when cocaine, you know this, when cocaine hit, let's say early 80s, this period you're talking about, it hit like a fucking tidal wave.

[Joey Diaz]

Like a tidal wave.

[TJ English]

And it hit everywhere in the us this was. This was Willie and Sal. They were bringing it to these different places. They were. They were selling more coke than anybody in LA by the mid-80s. And it just hit everybody. People, you know, the early media about cocaine was mostly positive. It was on the COVID of Time magazine, the Newsweek magazine. And they were like, everybody's doing it. All different class levels are doing it. You don't get a hangover. There's no hangover. And all the. So the, The PR on coke was very positive up until crack. Till crack. Crack, crack kind of tarnished, kind of tarnished the image a little bit. So if you were a coke dealer, you had blood on your hands by the, you know, the coke, by the crack era. But yeah, it was. It hit like a phenomenon. We all know it from the clubs, the way it took over in nightclubs. I mean, come on. But what always got me was up in New York, and I'm sure this is true, actually, I saw it in Cleveland and some other places. Cocaine hit, had hit the working class. Like you go to the local Blarney Stone after work on a Friday and all those working class people were doing coke. They made it affordable. This is one of the things Willie and Sal did. They brought in a lot of product so that they could bring the price down. The price came down suddenly and they got it to the middle class and the working class.

[Joey Diaz]

What they did was they did something that nobody planned on. They got the biggest form of free advertising that there ever was, if anybody ever did it was cocaine. Because in the early 80s, when somebody went to the bathroom, they came out and they Went to their drink and you heard, yeah, that was it. And people would come right up to you, are you doing coke, man? Is it cool? Do you really see things? Do you hear the. You know. And they'd ask you creepy questions. Then it just took one thing. You want to do a line of coke? Yeah, sure. Let's try it. And boom, they were hooked.

[TJ English]

Because how could you say no to it?

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah, because you believe that it brought you into a different class. You're at a class by you doing it like a chick. Chick lives in the projects of North Bergen. You got her in the city doing coke, drinking Dom Perignon. She's sucking your dick because nobody's ever made her feel that way. All of a sudden, there was no VIP in those days. But think about it. That was the VIP room. If you coming out of the bathroom. Oh, my God. And doing all that shit. And that's.

[Lee Syatt]

What do you think changed? Like, why? Because that. I mean, I've seen cocaine out, but I've never, Like, it wasn't. I don't think it's like that anymore. I don't think that's the type of drug.

[TJ English]

It's out there.

[Joey Diaz]

It's out there.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, it's definitely out there. But I don't think it's like a status.

[TJ English]

Not like that. Not like it was. No, we're talking about now it seems.

[Lee Syatt]

Dirtier now it seems like people like it. Like to me, who's never done it.

[Joey Diaz]

Dog somebody, it's like people. I don't gamble. I always win. You ever meet those people? Every time I go to Vegas, yeah.

[TJ English]

They usually.

[Joey Diaz]

I clean up. Well, Vegas don't get bigger.

[TJ English]

In Vegas, those are the people who do a lot of cocaine.

[Joey Diaz]

If you're winning and everybody I know wins, how the fuck is Vegas keep getting bigger and bigger. These cartels have all the money in the fucking world. When. In the 80s when they were doing all. Didn't these motherfucking make Forbes magazines early on, the Escobars, that dude was making what, 6 million a day? Are you fucking kidding me? So, you know, it was. I remember it feeling like if you did coke, you were a little better person. Celebrities were doing coke, Rock stars were doing coke. Athletes were doing coke. And I'm telling you, I grew up in northern New Jersey, blue collarville. And when somebody went and came out of a bathroom, it was like fucking all hell would break loose.

[TJ English]

Well, you had a better chance of getting laid if the ladies heard that sniffing too. Cause they loved the coke.

[Joey Diaz]

They fucking loved it during that Period.

[TJ English]

Yeah, yeah. No, it was. And I wasn't even that indico, really.

[Joey Diaz]

I was. I loved it from day one. Loved it. I didn't get high for, like, the first year on it, and I thought they were playing a trick on it, but, you know.

[TJ English]

But, you know, the whole. Sorry to interrupt, but the whole world can be divided into two groups. The. The groups are when they laid out that line of cocaine at a party club for the first time and said, you want to try some? There's the people who said no, and there's the people who said yes to that. And they're two very different kinds of people, right? Totally different kinds of people. I personally would rather spend time with the people who did the line of coke than the people who didn't do the line of coke. The ones who didn't do the line of coke are ones that just probably became boring.

[Lee Syatt]

Oh, God.

[TJ English]

Dude, they lived a boring life.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, when my mom sold the bar in 78, she. She had some money. She invested in a fucking jewelry store in the city, but she was buying more jewelry than she was selling. And then she would go to the fucking. The Yonkers Raceway, and they were fucking. You know, she was losing her money gambling. So my last year with her, she started holding drugs downstairs in the basement for people. And for a few weeks, there'd be weed downstairs in the fucking. In those yellow Colombian bags. But it was the worst weed in the world. Whoever grew it crushed the seeds and put the seeds back in it. So it means every time you spark it, it blows up. It blows up. You couldn't even smoke a joint. Pa. Pa, you gotta keep lighting it.

[TJ English]

I never heard of that.

[Joey Diaz]

And then I went downstairs one day and I found a big bag of coke. I'm talking a big bag of coke. And I would look at it. I would ask around. And then one day, I stole some, like, just a little taste. And I gave it to a friend of mine. I go, you're a good guy. You like doing coke. Take this. And he's like, where'd you get this from? So I took some. And one day, a week before my mother died, one day we went to Hudson County Park. We robbed beer from Albertsons, and we went to my buddy's house. And while we were down there, everybody was in the basement and him and I were upstairs. And I gotta tell you something, I got some fucking coke. And he's like, we were 16. He's like, come on. So we were drinking vodka with peppermint schnapps and we would crush the ice cream.

[TJ English]

You're 16.

[Joey Diaz]

16. And we'd put it in the freezer for it to get hard. And then when it came out, that's how we did it. We sprinkled the coke on there first, like. And we called them, like, snowballs. We went back down, and we're talking to these kids who are not doing drugs. And we're like. We're drinking Snowball. And they're like, what's a snowball? They didn't even know. And then finally we went upstairs and did a line of coke. And we were like, don't say this to nobody. We did that coke. And I don't remember getting. I didn't get high till maybe you.

[TJ English]

Guys were little hoodlums, right?

[Joey Diaz]

And then we used to bring it.

[TJ English]

You were like, Jimmy Cagney and Dog.

[Joey Diaz]

My sophomore and junior year, we used to bring. Bring it to school. There was a football player that sold grams at school. And we would bring them into the classrooms and pass the package back and forth during the class and do little bumps. And kids were looking at us like we were fucking Martians, man.

[TJ English]

That's hilarious. I guess you were destined. You were destined to do coke. You know, you just got there way faster than most people.

[Joey Diaz]

I'll tell you the funniest story ever. In the sixth grade, I'm dating this Cuban girl in New York, Ariza. And my man. And your man Tati comes over, and he comes over. Cause I fucking hated Nina. But he comes by himself. And he was like a broad Cuban guy, thin, like that dude probably had a big dick. Cause he was like 6 foot 1, 180. But he had big hands and big feet. And he was thin and hard.

[TJ English]

Sounds like a big dick.

[Joey Diaz]

All right. So one day he comes over and he's like, your mother tells me you're dating some girl. Like, my mother went to him to give me, like, advice and talk to me, not him. I mean, you gotta think. This guy used to take me to a barbershop on the way back. Those little apartments on Boulevard east. By the 60s right there, there's little. Like they've been there forever. We would go in there, and that was one of his places where he waved coke. But there were two girls that were always naked. And they'd be eating each other out. And he'd go, let's watch for a little while. I'm in the sixth fucking grade with this guy, you know? This is Tati Dog. He knows. He knows the legend of Tati. So one night, he's like, you eating a pussy. And I'm like, no, I'm not doing anything. I barely kiss her. He's like, this is what you do. And he fucking went in his jacket pocket and he took the fucking something out and he. And he had a capsule and he emptied it. Like a fucking contact, you know? Contact. Remember for 16 hour cold relief, he had, like, a contact and he emptied it and he filled it up with coke and he gave it to me. He goes, next time that girl comes over, you put that on her pussy. And I'm like, what? I didn't even know what he was talking about. He's like, you gotta eat her pussy and all this shit. And I'm like, I didn't sell nothing to nobody for fucking, like, five months. Wow. And then one night, my mother came home with steam in her heart. She goes, get fucking down here. She goes, tati gave you fucking coke? And you. Where is it? And she goes, in my drawer. She's like, go get it and give it to Mommy. I could hear her on the phone. How dare you give him Coke. He's 12 fucking years old. What were you thinking? And he's on the other line, but trust me, he's gonna put on a pussy. You know, La Papaya. You know how they talk. Slap on La Papaya. Like those old school, revolutionary. Dottie gave me a fucking capsule filled with cocaine. So that's what I grew up with. So at first I would look at them and go, I'm never gonna do that. I'll smoke dope, but I ain't putting nothing in my nose. And then I discovered THC crystal gorilla biscuits, AKA fucking parrot tranquilizers. And then cocaine came along, like six months after that. And I swore I wouldn't do it. And I was, like, fucking hooked. And that was it after that, from 1979 to 2007, I was fucking hooked.

[TJ English]

It was a hard thing to not do because it was around.

[Joey Diaz]

It was everywhere.

[TJ English]

You know, you go to a party at somebody's house, it's definitely gonna be there. Go to a club, it's definitely gonna be there.

[Joey Diaz]

Go in the woman's bathroom, it's there. Go in the men's bathroom, it's kind of everywhere.

[TJ English]

There might be a line at the party, the coke was there, and there'd be, like, a line.

[Joey Diaz]

But it was crazy because if you went to New York in the 80s, you could put an ounce on the table and snort it. People were doing it at restaurants, clubs. But then I went out in the city in 93 and I took a package out. They almost fucking called 911 on me. Yeah, they threw me out. They were like, we don't do that here no more. I'm like, it's New York City. They're like, we don't.

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

No, that era, it changed completely.

[Lee Syatt]

Like, what about, like, the history of, like, cocaine and comedy? Because I was thinking, like, comedy might have been one of the worst places for you to go. Like, cocaine wise. Like, they must be out every night.

[TJ English]

Somebody should write.

[Lee Syatt]

Yeah, I was just thinking, that's a cool.

[TJ English]

That's a book somebody should write. The History of Cocaine and Comedy.

[Joey Diaz]

Well, again, that was my favorite comic, Richard Price, when he lit himself up.

[TJ English]

You should write that book.

[Joey Diaz]

What's that? Cocaine and Comedy.

[TJ English]

The History of Cocaine and Comedy. You got another book in you?

[Joey Diaz]

I was just talking to the guy the other day.

[Lee Syatt]

He's like, yeah, everyone did. Seemed like it.

[Joey Diaz]

I mean, you're up, Freddie Prinze.

[TJ English]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

All those deaths prior, you know, all those fucking great. Those guys got hooked. Marvin Gaye was fucked up.

[TJ English]

Oh, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Marvin Gaye was fucked up. A lot of those guys. My favorite, Hollywood Henderson was fucked up. Fucked up, you know, and that's why cocaine was easy, because athletes were doing it. You know, the only person that broke my heart when I found out he did coke, there was only one person that was in shock, and that's Joe Montana. Oh, when I found out Joe Montana did coke, I was fucking pissed off like a motherfucker, really, because he was like my hero, you know, I didn't want my heroes.

[TJ English]

You put him on a pedestal.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah. I didn't think Joe Montana did coke then. I heard horrible stories.

[TJ English]

So, yeah, a lot of athletes of that era, football players were doing coke, basketball players, I'm sure baseball players. Remember in the whole big scandal with the whole New York mets in the 80s, Keith Hernandez, they were all cokeheads.

[Joey Diaz]

The Phoenix Suns with Gandra's ex younger brother.

[TJ English]

There was.

[Joey Diaz]

They were doing.

[TJ English]

In the dugout, they'd make jokes about how they were gonna run out and sniff up the foul line on the field like it was a line of coke.

[Joey Diaz]

The fucking San Diego Chargers had a problem that even Fred Dean left and called him a bunch of free bacon motherfuckers when he went to the Niners. Yeah, it was real, man. And, you know, listen, we were sold a bill of rights, that it didn't do anything for you. When I found myself in prison for kidnapping, I was like, they were fucking wrong. Okay. They didn't really know. They didn't really know the effects of cocaine. They didn't know the effects of long term cocaine usage. They just didn't know the effects of long term cocaine usage with alcohol. And the imagination. Yeah, because cocaine in the imagination. Life and imagination. Imagination sometimes gets you in trouble without you even knowing it, you know, you don't even know it's imagination. I just had something six months ago where I'm like, what made me do something like this? It was imagination. So something that I thought would happen from a TV show I watched or something, it's just horrible.

[Lee Syatt]

So are you saying when you like when coke first came out, you didn't think it was bad for you?

[Joey Diaz]

It wasn't told, it wasn't built like that. It was something that you did, it made you drink. No hangovers. You're going to go home and find.

[TJ English]

Yeah, there were no, there were no case studies of long term users because there hadn't been any at that point.

[Lee Syatt]

Fuck, I never thought, I just thought you knew it was bad, but it was fun.

[Joey Diaz]

No, I mean the other night something was on that was very Time magazine.

[TJ English]

Said, you know, there were no bad consequences from it.

[Joey Diaz]

Oh, in 1987, something happened in this country that was really weird and I was just coming home and it was the death of Lenny Byas. That was very controversial death in my world because I was about 20 something at the time. He got drafted and he died the next day.

[TJ English]

That night at a party.

[Joey Diaz]

Night at a party. And he said he never did it before. So if he had never done it before and this is his first time, well, he died and they went after Lefty Dries the butt. The moral of that story was this is how crazy that is. I was here, I had just flown in for something here and I was in the city and I went to get coke or weed and somebody goes, we got the bias. Oh shit. I'm like, what? I didn't even know what he was saying. I thought he asked me how Lenny Bias died. He goes, nah, we got what killed Lenny Bias. And I was like, you cold blooded motherfuckers, you know, but it was so cocaine was such a bad. Like this.

[TJ English]

That's wild about the drug world, right? There's that, there's that. I don't want to call it evil, but there's a certain level of that business where like if they hear there's a certain coke that's taking people out, they want it. Everyone, there's a, there's a very self destructive tendency, you know, to, to use that shit and yeah. If that takes over, we're all in bad shape.

[Joey Diaz]

You know, I once saw something that said cocaine was a curse from the Incas to destroy white men.

[TJ English]

It's possible they used it.

[Joey Diaz]

And after what I saw, what I've seen, what it made me do. Yeah, yeah, there's something to that. There's something. And it comes from the natural. But the shit they put in there, once you find out what they actually.

[TJ English]

Put in there, it's a plant.

[Joey Diaz]

You're like, you know, no wonder. I had T shirts that had. This was brown white T shirts that you would put chlorine on, but the sweat was brown. God knows what was in there. You see them when they're putting gas and acetyne, you know, melugia juice. And, you know, it was just so many fucking things. And that's why I'm pissed sometimes when I go back into the 80s and the late 70s of cocaine. It was like they were fighting a war that they were help supplying.

[TJ English]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

And that's what got to me.

[TJ English]

Yeah. That's the corruption of the whole thing.

[Joey Diaz]

That's what really pissed me off. And listen, like, right now, I feel at times like one of those people that sues Marlboro for getting cancer. You know, me talking this way, like, going, I'm pissed about what they did, but I was that weak and I let it in.

[TJ English]

Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Can't be mad at Marlboro. You know what I'm saying? You can't be mad at the Colombians and you can't be mad.

[TJ English]

No, it's a plant. When I was in Peru, I did coca leaves every day, and it felt.

[Joey Diaz]

Like a million bucks. It was clean.

[TJ English]

Well, first of all, it's. It's a. It's because of the altitude.

[Joey Diaz]

Yeah.

[TJ English]

Keeps you from getting altitude sickness. And so you have just a little water. Coca leaves in your mouth. And I liked. Was kind of like a lot of tobacco. I've never done that, but so I was doing it every day. And the hotel where I was staying, they had like a bowl of coca leaves. When you come into the hotel, you could just help yourself to it. There was always tea that was made out of the coca leaves that was there for you to have.

[Lee Syatt]

Did you feel yourself getting addicted to it?

[TJ English]

No. Hell, no. But you'd get a little buzz. It was like coffee. It was very much like coffee. It gave you a little caffeine buzz. And I used it one time when I was going up to see a shaman, a woman. All I knew is that this woman was Elderly. And she was in this village outside of Lima, and we could go see her and, you know, have a session with her. And I said, yeah, that sounds great. We had to take a bus to get there. And then when we got off the bus, we had to go up a hill into a very remote part of this little village. And then we get up there and the one house out in the middle of nowhere, and there's a line there. There's a line of people waiting to get in to see this Kurandera. And so I'm on the line and finally get in to see this old lady and, and she's like, she's about 95. She speaks a local dialect, not Spanish. So there was a translator there. And she, I, I sit down in front of her and she says, okay, you got to take a bunch of coca leaves and put them in your mouth. And by then I had been using coca leaves almost every day while I was there. So I was like, great, no problem. Boom. Put it in there. And I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm vibing on it, you know, I'm getting the juices from it and everything. And she's looking at me, she's looking at me. And then she turns the translator, she says, is he married? She, she was turned on. It's not. I think she was turned on by the fact that I was taking to the leaves with, with, you know, with, with great gusto. She liked that. She's turned on by that. She thought that was great. So it's, it's like a bonding thing. The coca leaves, it's a ritual from, from long ago. Just like coke, you know, cocaine.

[Joey Diaz]

But that's a more natural way. And that's more of a spiritual way.

[TJ English]

Yes.

[Joey Diaz]

Once you add gasoline and shoot people, you know, everything else. And yes, that's man.

[TJ English]

That's man. That's what man does, right? That's a man, man. Turns it into a dirty little business. What are we going to do about that, Joey?

[Joey Diaz]

Pisses me off, tj. Everything pisses me off. That's what happens when you get old. You have no teeth. You have a. You have a hernia now.

[TJ English]

Hey, you're doing good, man. You're still sitting here telling great stories, able to enjoy good stories.

[Joey Diaz]

It's okay. It's okay. It's been okay, man, you know, I'd rather be in the hospital than six feet under. So we're here, we're slinging dick. We're going to Austin this week. We got two sold out shows no shit. We're eating some tomatoes.

[TJ English]

You're gonna do Rogan when you're there.

[Joey Diaz]

Thursday.

[TJ English]

Wow.

[Joey Diaz]

Thursday, Friday, go get some stem cell on my dick. I'm gonna get some shot here.

[TJ English]

Really?

[Joey Diaz]

I don't know. I was just. I usually go for a shot at my knee and maybe there, there is there.

[TJ English]

You do get to a stage, I guess men get to a stage where you have to start shooting your dick with something.

[Joey Diaz]

Not me. I'm not putting anything in my dick, you know. Yeah, that's a different world. But they will invent something.

[TJ English]

It get. No, no, that's already happening. I have this. That guy was telling you about in Boston. Gangster friend of mine, he had some, and he. He'd got it on the black market for another gangster. And he took me one day, he said, I gotta take this over this guy. This. This injectable fluid with the needle that they inject into their dicks. Because they were. They were. They were both probably pushing 70 around that time or into their 70s. Well into their 70s. Yeah. And they were. So they were having to inject their dick. So he's going over to see this guy to give him some of this liquid. And they're making a deal. He's paying him for it. He got it on the black market. And. And so they leave me in the car. I'm sitting in the car, and they're like standing in the street right in front of the car. And I'm watching this transaction. And the one guy who. Who I didn't come with, he comes over the car and he taps on the window and I roll it down. He says, hey, you're the writer, right? Yeah. He says, you're writing a book. I said, writing a book? No, not at the moment. Not writing a book. Because he says, you're not putting this in a book. Right. He didn't want me putting in the book that these guys, you know, having to do a black market deal to buy stuff to inject into their dick. So they had any action at all. And they tell me, the older guys, the older fellows tell me that that's one of the next stages. You're probably not there yet. I'm not quite there yet, but that's what we have to look forward to.

[Joey Diaz]

And what is the gel doing your dick?

[TJ English]

I don't think it's a gel. I. Well, I don't know. I. No, I think it's. I think it's just something that stimulates your blood, I guess.

[Joey Diaz]

You go to China, you buy those lizard balls.

[Lee Syatt]

This Episode is also brought to you by bluechew.

[TJ English]

I remember I was in Hong Kong once, and you go to one of those little place where they sell all that shit and the variety of stuff they have in, like, a Chinese pharmacy, all those ancient herbs and shit they.

[Joey Diaz]

Have, they're all for the dick.

[TJ English]

A lot of them are for the.

[Lee Syatt]

Dick, but they shoot themselves.

[Joey Diaz]

That black tar that you eat, that breaks, that's for your dick. You have to go to a Chinese pharmacist. They say you can't turn that shit back. That's good dick. That's like Okinawa dick. You just keep giving it. It's the dick that keeps coming. You know what I'm saying? Tj, always a pleasure to have you, brother.

[TJ English]

My pleasure, man.

[Joey Diaz]

Fucking thank you for leaving the book. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being my inspiration. I love reading your stuff, and hopefully one day I'll grow up to be like you.

[Lee Syatt]

So for the audio listeners, tj, what's the name of the new book?

[TJ English]

New book's called the Last Kilo. Last Kilo. There's a subtitle. I don't even remember it anymore. But, yeah, it came out as a hardcover book a few months ago. And it's out there. You can get it anywhere. You can buy a book. Yeah.

[Joey Diaz]

Thank you, brother.

[TJ English]

Thank you.

[Joey Diaz]

And that's it. We got Austin, Texas. Lee, what do you got?

[Lee Syatt]

The 19th Saturday. I'm with Steve Simone at the dojo.

[Joey Diaz]

Or the dojo of comedy. There he is right there. Perfect. On a Saturday night. What else you got going on? You doing any shows at the fucking. You, tj, you're doing any shows at the Blue Moon? Whatever. The Blue Note. The Blue Note.

[TJ English]

The Blue Note.

[Joey Diaz]

Whatever the fuck.

[TJ English]

The Blue Note. Shit. The conversation is deteriorating rapidly all of a sudden.

[Joey Diaz]

That's what happened.

[TJ English]

It's just crumbling right before your eyes.

[Joey Diaz]

I love you guys. See you next week. Stay black. I want to thank tj. I want to thank Lee, but most importantly, I want to thank you guys for always having it back. Have a great week and we'll see you next week, I guess. What's happening? Beautiful people. Uncle Joey here for Bluechew. Listen, if a soft sausage is holding you back from meeting the love of your life, bluechew has what you need. They send chewable tablets right to your fucking front door that are gonna make you a beast in the bedroom. Just head over to their website, talk to one of their licensed medical providers, and if they approve you, you'll get your medicine within days. It's easy it's quick and it's confidential. Even the mailman won't know. I love Bluechew. You know why? They come in individual packets. You meet a victim, you put on your cape, you eat it, and you're ready to rock. And she will call back. They even taste like mint so your breath can be fresh when you're diving that little Munqua. Anyway, make life easier by getting harder and discover your [e-mail] and we've got a special deal for church listeners. You ready? Try your first month of Bluetooth for free. Especially now you want to head into late Memorial Day slinging dick like Batman. You know what I'm saying? Just press in code Joey J O E Y and pay $5 in shipping. That's promo code Joey J O E Y. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And I want to thank Bluechew for sponsoring the show.